Chapter Text
Shitty woke slowly, and then all at once. He wasn't in any familiar surroundings - this wasn't his bed, or Milboss' home, and he couldn't remember where he was last.
Something sour, smelling of rot invaded his nostrils. Ew, mold.
Where am I? What the fuck? Shitty stood up, small noises from his bare feet shuffling echoing through the stone tunnel.
Wherever he was, it was dark. Pitch dark to the point of eyes being useless. In a cave. With no items.
Where mobs could spawn at any moment.
Shitty stilled himself suddenly at the last thought. He had no armor and nothing to defend himself with, in what seemed like a damp, moldy, and fucking cold cave. Shitty wrapped his bare arms around his middle and exhaled slowly. He wondered if his breath could be seen, had he a torch.
. . . But he didn't, so he had to figure his situation out without light. Teeth chattering quietly, Shitty stumbled around in the dark with his arms out until cold stone kissed his hands. He shuffled his feet slowly, careful not to trip over anything. He kept to the wall, fingers trailing lightly on the stone wall. As he walked, he tried his best to not touch the amalgamation of lichen and mold that grew thick in some areas. The stone was consistently flat. Weird.
While he walked, Shitty tried to remember yesterday. The last think he truly remembered was . . .
Winning the Anus Ravine War? No - no, that wasn't quite right. Shitty distinctly remembered being Vice Chairman . . .
Shitty lost track of how long he'd been walking. He was hungry, thirsty, and tired as hell. His legs ached from the exercise. Shitty really wanted to just give up, punch his way out somehow. Could I? He thought. No, likely not. He wanted sunlight. More than that, he wanted Penis - wait. Shitty froze midstep. Penis was behind this somehow, it had his face written all over it. Shitty knew it. What did he want?
Shitty's thought process stopped in tracks when he noticed - or thought that he noticed, it was hard to tell - the temperature was rising.
It could have been from the exercise, or maybe just wishful thinking, but Shitty wanted to let himself hope. The floor felt smoother somehow, like marble instead of stone, and maybe he was imagining it but - is the floor descending? It felt angled slightly. Shitty felt less like he was walking aimlessly. He took quicker steps, walking with a purpose towards the heat.
And promptly ran headfirst into a wall. A warm wall. It didn't exactly radiate heat but it was warm enough to make him think there might be a lava pool behind a sheet of stone, if only he could break through it.
Shitty felt around, searching for a dip in the stone that he might be able to break through. Without items it would be hard, and it would hurt, but he would literally die in this musty cave if he didn't so something.
The wall's texture seemed to switched to something - grainy? Almost like -
"Ah!"
Almost like wood. Cut wood. Small pieces jutting out and all. Shitty's finger throbbed as it bled, and he popped it into his mouth to try to get the splinter out. Shitty refused to die from something stupid like a splinter infection. That would be kind of pathetic.
More carefully this time, Shitty felt out for the wood plank with his opposing hand and yeah, that was definitely wood. More than that, he noticed, it was a door. Warm enough to feel the heat against his fingertips.
While Shitty was psyching himself up to open the door, it creaked open slowly . . .
. . . to reveal a purple face, pale purple mask feeling almost like a taunt.
"Penis?" Shitty asked. His hand twitched to reach out before he stopped himself - this didn't feel right. Why was he so -
The Penis lookalike straightened, head too close to the ceiling to be Penis.
Why was he so tall?
"Not . . . exactly. No, I'm not your boyfriend -"
Wary and against his best interest, Shitty replied, "Hes not my - we're not - Penis isn't my boyfriend. Where'd you even hear such a thing-"
His head tilted questioningly, and then slowly nodded. "Sure he's not, whatever. He's a dickhead anyway, isn't he? Probably be a bad partner anyway, what with the whole 'let's manipulate and murder all my friends and kidnap my, uh - you - sorry, I almost said boyfriend again - and take over the world' thing that he has going on."
Shitty shifted uncomfortably in the doorway. "Yeah, I guess." He was more focused on studying the unknown person than analyzing his entirely platonic and violent relationship with Penis. He didn't look much like a person, not quite. He was off somehow. Shitty couldn't quite put his finger on it. He was brighter, or something. Skin too smooth, teeth too large. Large enough to look inhuman, he moved like a predator as he stepped out of the doorframe to make way for Shitty to come in.
Does that make me the prey, Shitty thought, stepping in the room.
Then the - being's? - words felt suddenly stark in Shitty’s mind. His eyes widened comically. "Wait, what? He kidnapped me?"
"Wow, you must be tired. That took way too long for you to be worried about." The man looked him up and down, grimacing slightly. "Yeah, he's sort of - well he's kind of in the middle of a war right now. He drugged you yesterday at that fancy dancy little reconciliation party you two had yesterday. He wanted to make sure you wouldn't do something stupid, like. I dunno. Oppose him and die, I guess. So. Penis wanted to make sure you'd be safe, and I'm willing to do so."
Shitty felt the blood drain from his face. "Penis kidnapped me," he whispered.
"You didn't honestly think you'd just appeared there, thousands of blocks below the surface, in a completely empty cave devoid of even pebbles, did you? That's not a thing that happens, I don't think. That's kind of stupid of you actually."
". . . Okay." Shitty felt lightheaded.
Penis gave him a hard look. "Why don't you have a seat? I refuse to like, hand feed you soup or something if you pass out."
"That's not how that works," Shitty grumbles, but he's cold, hungry, tired, and somehow this is looking like his best option.
Taking his eyes off of the Penis look-alike seemed like a terrible idea, but Shitty did it anyway. While the man - man? Or something other? - Shitty took in his surroundings for the first time. It was . . .
It was weird. It was a liveable area, surely, but it looked like something an alien would design for a human, made entirely in a way that only approximated a home. Yet it had all of the necessary elements of a house, so Shitty didn't mention it and just sat uncomfortably on the couch he was led to.
The man sat beside him. Shitty didn't like the way he was staring at him.
Shitty finally gave in to his own questions. "Who are you? What are you?"
The man chuckled and shifted to face Shitty more. "Oh, introductions finally in order? Took you long enough. I'm PenisUWU. I'm something of a god, here."
"A god," Shitty asked dumbly. Rhat explained some things; Shitty was right in that he wasn't human.
"Yes, exactly! I was wondering if you were going to actually ask or not. You've been thinking about my . . . Disposition for a while now."
Shitty startled. "You can hear my thoughts?"
"I'm a god," PenisUWU said in explanation.
"Stop it, then," Shitty grumbled. "It's rude."
The god smirked. "No. Anyway, you and I need to have a little chat. Like I said, Penis has asked me to keep you for a little while, until he wins that little spat he's in right now. Not sure how long that will be, but you'll be here until then. Do me a favor and keep your casual bitchy energy on the down low and we'll get along fine," PenisUWU said. "Bitchy energy includes trying to run away, by the way. Don't do that."
Looking around, Shitty honestly wasn't sure the even was a way to escape even if he tried. Would it be best to just cooperate and kill Penis once he's set free?
The god sighed heavily. "I mean yeah, considering that's just what I fuckin' said. This little cave is entirely lined in bedrock. Like yeah, you could try to escape I guess. But it will be ultimately a failure so. Do with that information what you will."
"Stop reading my mind," Shitty grumbled.
"Make me," PenisUWU said gleefully.
Fine. Whatever. Shitty could cooperate for a couple of months, he guessed. Probably. "What do I even do in the meantime then? If I'm stuck in this tiny cave? I'm a builder. That's all I do, really."
"Well, you could talk to me." Shitty did not want to do that. "What did I literally just say about the bitchy energy you little rat? I guess I can come with a couple of things. Don't humans like, go crazy without interaction? I could just leave you alone and let you drive yourself insane."
"But you won't, right?"
"Ugh, no. Penis wants you alive and I want something from him, so. I assume he means alive and sane. I'll get you a pet or something" PenisUWU stood up, walking toward the door.
Shitty scrambled after him, stumbling after him. "Hey! Wait where are you going?"
PenisUWU groaned, slapping a hand down on Shitty's shoulder. It held fast and covered too much ground, reminding Shitty of what exactly he was dealing with here.
"Look dude, you're gonna have to entertain yourself some. I'll get you some stupid pet, whatever. I have responsibilities. In case you forgot, boobear, sweetheart, babe, but I am a god." The gods face contorted in anger. "I will not be here probably most of the time because I have a whole universe to run, if your tiny brain can comprehend such a thing." The large hand on Shitty's shoulder shoved him away. "Sit down, shut up, and be good for a couple of hours, if you can manage that. Can you?"
Shitty didn't answer with words. He sat back on couch and looked pointedly up at PenisUWU.
"Don't give me that face. It's weird. I'll come back with like - is an enderman a good pet? - I get you some dumb little animal or something. Just . . . Calm down. Foods in that chest over there," PenisUWU pointed over to a corner of the room, where indeed there was a chest, as well as what a kitchen might look like from someone who has never seen one before.
"Okay," Shitty replied. "And uh. Enderman are violent and not really -" but the god had already left. Shitty sighed and resigned himself to being alone for now. "- not really good pets. Goddammit.
And possibly an enderman. Because that makes sense.