Archive of Our Own ^beta

The road to dreams was an infinite journey. No matter the hellfire Joonghyuk walked through near the end, no matter how steep the spiral to insanity was - it was a path much longer than could be imagined. With the many chapters of this endless game he'd passed along the way, it was impossible to determine what had happened and when.

And yet, all he had ever done was try the impossible. Even with the infinite amount things that happened, perhaps there were a finite number of the most striking in his memory.

With Gong Pildu and Hyunsung stationed at Chungmuro as its protectors, Joonghyuk took Namwoon and Jihye with him to pick up his little sister.

Mia was just as stubborn as him. It was a trait they shared that brought him relief. He knew that she could handle herself, that she could survive without him.

She'd been the first one to stand up for him when he'd decided to be a pro gamer, and he hadn't hesitated to defend her when she sucker-punched a bully in 4th grade. They were both strong, but Joonghyuk had her back and she had his. No matter how many changes he had to make throughout his journey to the perfect ending, he wanted that to stay the same. 

As for why he'd brought along the two kids instead of going alone, well, Jihye and Mia had always become good friends whenever they had met, and Namwoon often acted carelessly during this part of the scenarios. Hyunsung, despite his incredible strength, didn't have the influence to prevent edgy chuunibyou from leaving their base and not killing important people.

And so, Namwoon and Jihye already bickering loudly, they went on their way to collect Joonghyuk's favorite outspoken glutton. His hand tightened on his sword hilt at how much faster they could be going. Mia was fine, and pushing the kids to go faster would risk pushing them away from him. Connection within the party was too important to lose, so he stayed silent.

At the speed they were going, he had time to kill on their way. Joonghyuk's train of thought quickly wandered off to his plans for this round.

I'll take over the stations on the way to Mia , he recited mindlessly. We'll make our way to Gwanghwamun-

A gasp came from somewhere in front of them. It was as loud as thunder in the abandoned train station. Namwoon and Jihye instantly perked up, and Joonghyuk's sharp vision caught sight of a short woman with a pistol in hand. Her eyes were wide as she ran away, but she was interrupted by Namwoon's cackling and the sound of metal piercing flesh.

He gestured inexplicably into the air with a shit-eating grin Joonghyuk had long ago learned meant it was for his sponsor. The Abyssal Black Flame Dragon truly was a sponsor few had the shamelessness and strength to humor.

Jihye made a face, kicking Namwoon in the ankle. "Jeez, what a waste of time. What are you doing?"

For the 5th time out of 14 rounds, he just laughed again, and said, "Your mom!"

Her expression of shock and mild offense was certainly not one Joonghyuk would forget anytime soon; with her wide eyes and open mouth - it was rare to catch Jihye off guard like that.

"Shit, you walked right into that one!" Namwoon said. His delight would soon be turned to a suffering ten times greater than his mirth, though he didn't seem to realize Jihye's shocked face quickly giving way to childish rage. "It was such an obvious fucking trap!"

As Jihye kicked his ass, Joonghyuk froze as a sudden realization dawned on him. Obvious fucking trap. The words resonated within him, and the puzzle pieces clicked together in his mind. The Absolute Throne is a trap.

The Throne's overbearing connection to him had always held him back before. He would be much stronger without it, despite the initial disadvantage. The newest deviation in his round decided, Joonghyuk began to map out his plan to the familiar sound of Jihye yelling as Namwoon made "deez nuts"  jokes.

Yes, I will go further than I ever have before this round. This time, I will succeed. I will see the world I've been wishing to create from the start.

He walked on with firmer steps, eyes unwaveringly looking ahead. The 17th round marked the realization of the Absolute Throne, and he was certain he could make it to the end this time. He could do it. He had to.

Determination was a curious thing. It could not be touched, smelt, or seen. It was as intangible as the air he breathed.

Yet Joonghyuk needed it as much as he did oxygen - and he had it in spades. No matter how hard the scenario was, no matter how impossible it felt to move on, he still went on his way to his ideal ending. Be it running, walking, or even crawling, round after round, he didn't give up.

After all, how could he? How could he give up when he thought of Lee Seolhwa smiling as she healed him, eyes squinted shut from time together well-spent? How could he give up when there was so much to go on for?

Dreams and wishes, nightmares and fears - he would live through them again and again, all for the sake of connections built along the way.

But of course, connections were meant to be two-way, communication of people on the same page. How could a regressor have a connection like that?

"Loneliness…" Nirvana mused. " Do you understand what it's like to be lonely?"

Though his brows furrowed, Joonghyuk didn't answer him. Loneliness was one of the few things they both understood better than anyone.

"You're not alone. You are surrounded by friends and foes alike. But they can never understand you, can they?"

He was frozen in place, numb and burning. No one could understand, but they would try to help. He could never tell anyone, but they would try to listen. They were dead, but they were alive. He was alive, but he was dead.

Over, and over, and over again.

Like gunshots in a shooting range, Nirvana showed him memory after memory of all that had happened. And each one hit its target - a weak spot he couldn't guard.

Lee Seolhwa bled out in his arms. Kim Namwoon asked him for a mercy kill before he went insane. Lee Jihye screamed as the Catastrophe of Questions killed her. Lee Hyunsung smiled through tears as he protected the 143rd Joonghyuk one last time

Yet today, Seolhwa healed a hundred incarnations. Namwoon and Jihye argued over who had killed more monsters. Hyunsung asked him if he wanted to eat breakfast together.

They died and they are alive. They don't know anything.

"I understand you, Joonghyuk," Nirvana whispered in his mind. "More than anyone else. We have lived and died and lived again. We will never escape this wretched cycle, and we will never be able to admit this to anyone,"

Every life and every death was so fleeting. They all repeated again and again, blurring together in a haze of red, a sun rising and sinking with the dawn and dusk. They faded into Joonghyuk's memory, records for him to hold onto in his heart as fuel, only to burn into an endless pile of ashes.

This round was supposed to be different. A round without the death of his allies, where he could see the sun rise on his perfect ending. He would see it. He had to. Because surely, after all of his suffering, there was such an ending for him to reach, right?

Memory after memory flashed through his mind. There was nothing but death and destruction. Shin Yoosung, Gong Pildu, Han Donghoon, and Jang Hayoung died over a hundred different times.

Nirvana spoke in his mind. "Give up, Yoo Joonghyuk. Become one with me, and live in the present. You don't have to suffer. You can live happily, again and again and again. You don't have to see their inevitable deaths,"

Joonghyuk was alone.

But despite all that, Nirvana still wanted to promise him happiness? His freedom was a pretty lie, a rejection of reality, and an illusion of sanity. Fiction could never change reality. His hand tightened around the hilt of his blade at Nirvana's shameless lies.

A slice across Nirvana's arm for lying to him. Another across his torso for tempting him. Slash after slash, cut after cut, Joonghyuk painted him red for his lies.

"Oh, Joonghyuk," The reincarnator mused. "In the end, you are still a fool," 

Joonghyuk's breaths quickened, and he stabbed his blade into his tattered body. "Silence," He said, voice steady despite the ache in his chest.

"How many times have you told me you'd start living as a regressor? Yet here you are, trying to collect pieces of your past and bring them into the present,"

"They are useful people,"

"Just that?" Nirvana's mocking eyes traced Joonghyuk's skin littered with cuts. With each regression, his every scar was erased. There was no evidence of his suffering other than his own memory. Each regression simply restarted his painful journey. "If they're truly just useful, then why did you bleed for them?"

Glass could survive centuries in the ocean, persevering through slow erosion and transforming into beautiful, smooth sea glass for its troubles. Yet at the end of the day, glass was still just glass. Joonghyuk's strength began to fail him. His hands trembled as he fought the truth that would smother him.

"Oh, Joonghyuk, for a regressor, love is nothing but a drug. Don't you understand? No matter how hard you try, your time can never be shared with another," Nirvana lamented. "Yet here you are, pathetically injecting it into yourself for a quick fix of happiness, only to be ruined when it leaves you,"

He forced his voice to be steady. "I can create new memories with them,"

"But will they be the same as they are in your memories?"

His breath caught in his throat, sword frozen above Nirvana’s eyes.

Nirvana continued. "Will this Lee Jihye still confess to how she murdered her best friend as the rain pours down? Will Kim Namwoom still show you old photos, trying to laugh through tears? Will Lee Seolhwa still smile at you, the life you've both created cradled in her arms - the future of humanity in this ruined world?"

He opened his mouth a little but then shut it again, uncertain of what to say. Vulnerability was fatal, yet he had been trusted with it by his closest companions. They were earth-shattering moments to them, as they were to him. A sick feeling rose in Joonghyuk's stomach at the idea of expecting them to happen again. Yet there was nothing else for him to do but stomach the guilt.

"No matter," he said. "I can walk this path once again,"

Nirvana laughed. "Ah, how beautifully you speak of the path to hell,"

The words resonated within him, striking a chord as the world went dark. An unbearably familiar memory was hiding just out of reach. It was like waking from a fading dream, mind empty and heart bursting with tears without knowing why.

Joonghyuk opened his eyes in that damn train for the 135th time.

In a time locked away by a deal unbroken, humanity survived the apocalypse. Homes were found, schools were rebuilt, and structure was restored. Everyone gathered to create the dawn of the new civilization.

Yet a hero decided to abandon this perfect ending.

[You might forget everything in this timeline, Yoo Joonghyuk] A star warned him. [You might not be able to see past the wall; even with 1864 regressions, you might still not be able to see the other side]

Yet this hero stood firm, prepared to walk the path of hell.

All for the sake of seeing the oldest star.

The star that always watched over him.

For the 568th time, his party was scattered across the area to face more personalized challenges. Joonghyuk woke up in an internet cafe, computers covered in blood and dust. It was a sight he'd grown too used to seeing, barely even wrinkling his nose at the sickening scent of iron and rot.

He didn't waste time on his mission. Walking around briskly, he pretended to search for supplies, his expression as blank and solemn as always.

[Constellation King Of Falsely Accused is disappointed at your lack of reaction!]

[Constellation Thoughtless Beggar has sponsored 1000 coins to spite him!]

Joonghyuk left the internet cafe and went to pick up Namwoon from his apartment, a grey building with burnt doorways and crumbling windows, number 29 on the second floor. He arrived in less than half an hour. Each step, each turn, every crack in the road - he'd memorized them all long ago.

The door creaked open, and he walked into the living room. The white walls were clean of the gore that came with failing the first scenario, and Namwoon was sitting on a dark blue couch, facing away from him. Despite his footsteps - far, far louder than what he knew Namwoon could pick up on - there was no reaction. No knife thrust into his face, no instinctive threats, no bullshit grin. And Joonghyuk knew why.

The awfully familiar stench of blood and rot came from the bathroom on the left; despite there having been no failed first scenario inside, there had still been an occupant of the apartment.

Joonghyuk didn't bother looking inside the bathroom. He had done this enough times to know all he would see was the corpse of Namwoon's mother, the blood that had flowed through her wrists dried across the floor.

Namwoon was silently sitting on the couch. Face pale, fists clenched, he stared at nothing with red eyes, the same way he had the past 567 times. Joonghyuk cleared his throat, and he flinched as suddenly as a triggered mousetrap.

"Ah…" his voice shook but he stood to greet Joonghyuk. "Captain, I didn't- I didn't hear you come in,"

In the 2nd round, he helped him pack photographs and listened to bittersweet stories of his childhood. In the 20th round, he hugged him tightly as Namwoon cried. Back in the 178th round, he said meaningless words of comfort. 50 rounds ago, Joonghyuk had at least patted him on the shoulder.

Yet at the sight of the same despair once again, he found only hollow frustration where sympathy once lay.

Joonghyuk looked away. "We have to pick up Jihye," He said coldly as he left Namwoon to follow behind him. 

And for just a moment, a breeze blew through the air, a broken wind chime singing out from the neighboring apartment. And perhaps, if Joonghyuk listened very, very closely, he would hear the sound of a mind being lost, of a heart being broken, of a pedestal crashing to the ground.

But the Delusional Demon was meant for insanity from the beginning, so he didn't even spare him a glance.

His party member laughed hysterically. “Of course!” Namwoon cried out, voice hoarse. “Of course- of course, you would act this way,” He was barely even a step behind him, clumsily stumbling along. “I should’ve come to find you the second I woke up, instead of moping around over nothing like that,”

Joonghyuk didn’t reply.

Even when all humor drained away from the laughter, and it gave way to charged silence, Joonghyuk didn’t so much as look back at him.

One, two, three, four…

His deaths passed him by like clouds in the sky. Leaves were blown away by the wind, and flower petals fluttered down to the ground. Everything simply left him all alone and died, even himself. It was all meaningless.

One hundred and six, one hundred and seven, one hundred and eight…

His heart ached for the knowledge that he was searching for something obtainable. The perfect ending had to be out there, just within his grasp, and he simply had to reach out further. It was possible.

Four hundred and eighteen, four hundred and nineteen, four hundred and twenty…

But the truth was that it might not be possible, right? There was never a guarantee that his perfect ending was real. Was he fighting for something that didn't exist? Was his entire motivation just a pretty lie he'd fabricated as real?

Six hundred and ninety,  six hundred and twenty-one, six hundred and twenty-three…

The 999th scenario was when they were supposed to reach the Conclusion. It was the round where everyone would live, where everyone would see the sun rise at the end of this sick game, breathe a sigh of relief and finally cry without others finding entertainment in it.

No more deaths, Joonghyuk promised himself.  I will not lose anyone in this round.

And so, heart shattered by the despairing deaths from the previous rounds, Joonghyuk gave and gave and gave for his precious team. They would see the end. No matter what.

I have lived 999 lives, but they will only ever live one. Thus, I must take the burden and make sure they can reach their happy ending. 

So Joonghyuk waved away her concerns after he sacrificed his left arm to save Jihye.  When he lost his leg saving Hyunsung, he played drinking games with him until he was laughing again. He hugged Yoosung as she mourned the loss of his sight. Because of his sacrifices, they were all still alive.

Incredibly, impossibly, they made their way to the end of the scenarios.

But of course, the Conclusion could never be so easy to reach. Seoul was sinking away under a never-ending ocean, and every damn life he had saved was slipping away from him.

Without even tear ducts to cry with, Joonghyuk had no way to express his despair.

The world was ending for the 999th time.

Why? Why did the story always have to end like this? There had to be a happy ending somewhere out there, right? An ending where laughter rang out as clear as bells, where they didn't dread the next day, where they could love every tomorrow - an ending like that had to be possible, right?

He had come too far for things to end like this. All this suffering, this death, this sacrifice - all the scenarios ever did was break their futures. Joonghyuk could never see that blessed tomorrow.

Joonghyuk alone stood at the edge of the crumbling outer wall. The cacophony of war surrounded him as he stared unseeingly at the battlefield. Perhaps he should smile as one last token of comfort for the people he was saving. But in the face of destruction once more, it was all he could do to stand without trembling.

I have failed hundreds of times. My actions were clumsy, and my plans were riddled with mistakes and oversights. I have ruined countless lives.

"...This is the only way," He was dying. Right at the end, he was dying. His heart screamed out cries he could never voice. 

Despite my failures, I can be their hero. I can save their futures.

"Master! Stop!" Behind him, he could hear Jihye begging him not to do this. Her voice cracked as she cried. "I said, stop!"

His very soul was shattering, splitting at the seams. And still, Joonghyuk made the trade. The world where everyone lived was incomparably precious to his own meaningless death.

I'm sorry. Jihye, Hyunsung, Seolhwa, Namwoon, Uriel, Yoosung. I have to go on this mission alone.

Breath filled his lungs one final time, and so he spoke his last words. "You must survive,"

Everything was fading to grey. The happiness he had shared with them all was dying with him this round, flying away, sucked up by the Outer Gods and the story. After this, Joonghyuk would truly have given up everything for this round, so they had to survive. They had to see the tomorrow that always escaped him.

His eyes opened, and he was back in the train carriage. He hoped that his teammates would smile together. He hoped they would laugh together. He hoped they would do all of the things they'd wanted to but never had the chance to.

[Constellation, Woollim Princess is wondering why you're crying.]

He sobbed for reasons no one would understand. He was shaking and crying and choking, and the scenario mercilessly began. Joonghyuk set off the explosion to kill the other train occupants by instinct. A half-eaten pack of Oreos fell to the floor in crumbs. The sponsor selection began. Joonghyuk didn't even bother to read the screen, instead taking the time to reminisce over the last round.

He had hurt them all by leaving. They probably hated him.

Please, though his words would never reach them, he prayed nonetheless. Remember that ending I loved so much. Feel the happiness I wanted to give you all. Whether you love your tomorrow or simply take it for granted - I do not care. Just live through it. Please.

Why did his lungs draw breath? After all of these rounds, Joonghyuk knew how fleeting life was - gone within a blink, it was something as precious as gold that slipped away like water through his fingertips.

Once upon a time, he'd been approached with another chance to save his loved ones. Like a drowning man grasping at a rescue rope, he'd blindly clung to the opportunity.

And life's charm had broken him. He'd treasured the passing days, created a life with too much joy for him to appreciate, and watched as it was taken away. Praying to a world that never listened, Joonghyuk had wished for that dream to never end.

Right beyond the door of life, he had waited for that ending to happen. He would wait forever. And yet it never came.

His dream was one created for someone stronger than the world itself. Yet with no strength, he shamelessly resolved to go continue on his mission alone.

Yoo Joonghyuk was always a fool. His parents had been murdered, and he hadn't been able to do a thing. His grades had been average at best, and he'd had to turn to gaming for a living. But even then, he hadn't been anything special. He was stupid and unskilled in more ways than he could count- though perhaps that didn't mean much, anyway, considering he'd once answered 7 times 11 with 0.

The apocalypse gave him a new beginning. No one had to know his struggles anymore, because the world had given him another chance. The constellations were happy to see him. Even back in the first round, he was thought of as strong. He had been admired.

A bloody knife, overeager and bursting with rebellion had revered him. A strong shield had come to him for what to do. A newly forged blade, still cooling from an unbearable heat, had called him her master. Angels and demons and gods alike had cheered and jeered at him. Joonghyuk was notable, and powerful, and he was someone.

In the heat of battle, he was supposedly unbeatable. He had seen it before, after all. He had seen everything before, again and again, burned into his mind. The ashes were scattered around him. His consciousness was filled with memories that drowned him, and he was sinking further and further, the very person who had pushed him into the ever-growing ocean simply sat by and watched him struggle.

Insanity was trying the same thing and expecting something new. Ingenuity was tweaking the action to achieve better results. In his endless limbo of slow changes and fruitless repetition, he was simply left with inanity.

Yoo Joonghyuk was always a fool. For after a thousand tries, after hundreds of years - he was still trying to reach an impossible ending.

There was nothing but despair left in the world. And there was no one but Joonghyuk left to bear witness to the terrible repeating tragedy.

If he could just stop it all, wouldn't he be better off? His ideal ending was unreachable, but maybe his brighter past was. If only he could reach back into the past he had long left behind - then, perhaps he could erase the meaningless pain he'd suffered in his attempt for the impossible.

Loneliness was a fuel for those who were too strong to give in, and Joonghyuk had never even had a chance to give up. Anna Croft no longer shared his memories. Nirvana no longer appeared. Even his sponsor had shown him nothing but stony silence since the third round.

If only someone could share in his eternal grief, and bear witness as he did. As selfish as it was, was it truly too much to ask? Wasn't he allowed to show off his pain after suffering for so long? If there was even just one person left to witness, he could persevere until he reached his hopeless ending. No matter how reluctant they were to hear him out, he'd be at a loss for words to thank them even when the stars died out and the universe collapsed onto itself. 

But there was no such person, and loneliness was a fuel much too easy to spark into rage.

"Nothing turns out right!" Joonghyuk had finally screamed during Gigantomachia, rage bubbling over like boiling milk. "Every damn regression, every damn choice! No matter what I've done, it all goes wrong,"

Mouth set in a scowl, he swung his blade at a giant, and it embedded itself deep into tough flesh. He couldn't pull it out, and screamed again. The giant's eyes were wide with fear.

"Fuck!" He kicked the giant instead. Again, and again, and again, until the giant was groaning and stumbling away from him, and he could finally pull his sword out of him. "Why? What did I do to deserve this?"

[The constellations are on the edge of their seats!]

"I've tried my best! I've killed and died, bled and lived, so why am I still here?"

The ground at his feet split apart at the impact of a giant falling down, dead. Two gigantic monsters - crows the size of a classroom with teeth as big as washing machines came swooping down at him. Joonghyuk leapt, his sword slashing at the sky to meet them. The attack killed them immediately upon impact.

Again and again, he killed enemies. His sword shook as he wielded it - whether it was from rage, fear, or exhaustion, Joonghyuk could no longer tell. He stood alone on the battlefield. No one was there to save him. No one was there for him to save either.

No matter how many times Joonghyuk replayed the game of death, his loved ones always ran a little too far. They went out of sight, out of reach, out of his defense. If he could just foresee a little clearer, if he could just catch up to the world against him, he could save them.

But he couldn't.

His cracked shield, his sinking ship, his broken knife, his tattered bandages- everyone was dead. Yoosung had long ago stopped coming. Perhaps the him of the future rounds had stopped letting her become an adult. Even Anna Croft had long ago begun to go into rounds blind, blissfully ignorant of the hundreds of times everything had been played through.

Joonghyuk had no companions. It was a simple fact he should've accepted a long time ago.

There would never be any peace or home waiting for him. Not with the damn regressions, blocking him from an escape to heaven or hell. In this neverending nightmare - in this repeating tragedy, he would suffer eternally.

With a bitter laugh that left his throat hoarse, he opened his arms and finally let a demonic rhinoceros pierce his flesh with its poisoned horns. Though the pain burned against his body like a firework show, he didn't scream. Why would he? It wasn't like anyone would hear it anyway.

In neither life nor death, he had no companion who could ever help him.

"Why?" Joonghyuk asked his sponsor. "Why are you doing this? Why can't you just let me die?"

His unknown jailer didn't reply.

Of course. What had Joonghyuk expected? He never received an answer. There was no prayer or negotiation that could ever save him.

It was all just a lost cause.

…why was he doing this again?

The world had turned gray, sight blurred with familiarity to the point he didn't see a thing. Every step was nothing but empty muscle memory. This meaningless ruse of a life stretched too far back for him to remember, and too far forward for him to ever see the end.

Was there an end?

"Hey, Yoo Joonghyuk," A woman with short hair spoke to him. The sharp look in her eyes, confident and predatory, cut through the dull, repeating scenario.

"I know about the scenarios. I know more than anyone here. I can take us to a happy ending," She said, her words echoing a scammer's empty promises. But with a smirk, she quickly added on a pointed, "This timeline will be a success,"

He inhaled sharply. The sudden implication that this woman knew about all of the rounds sent a chill down his spine, not unlike an ice bucket challenge or a small, highly poisonous 4th grade ice snake crawling down his back. Joonghyuk slowly raised his fist. This should've been impossible. There was no way something like this could happen. And yet…

And yet the existence of someone who knew a little about what he had gone through had soothed a burning pain he had long ago forced himself to forget.

She must have read his hesitation, not wasting the slightest moment to continue. "Yeah, this is round… what, somewhere in the thousands? You've been at this for a long time, haven't you, Joonghyuk?" She stepped closer to him, chin tilted up to look him in the eyes. She smiled confidently. "Why don't we bring this to an end for good?"

An end… for good?

I'm tired of this. No more rounds. No more regressions. I want to have a permanent ending.

…please.

"Name," Joonghyuk demanded. It was a weak imitation of the intensity he'd once had. "What is your name?"

"Han Sooyoung," She offered him a hand to shake, a confident smile upon her face. "Tell me what you know - fill me in on the bits of knowledge I'm lacking in, and I'll find a way to kill permanently,"

Joonghyuk shook her hand, and so his final ending began.