Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ellie

It's late in the evening when Ellie finds that abandoned little cabin in the woods. With a shove of her shoulder she pushes the door open, sending a shower of dust down. She coughs, waving her hand through the dust cloud, until her vision clears.

The cabin looks comfortable enough, if she ignores the part where the roof has caved in. It certainly looks more comfortable than the hard ground with its roots and rocks and whatever digging into her back. Jackson is still a few hours away and Ellie doesn't feel like walking those in the dark.

Yeah. This place will do for the night. Even got a small bunk bed and a gas stove, so Ellie could cook something up if she wanted.

She doesn't. Cooking has always been more Dina's thing. The stuff that woman could do with just a rabbit and a few potatoes... It's not that Ellie can't cook, there's just something about standing at a kitchen range, stirring away in a pot that makes life feel so normal. Like everything is okay, and it wasn't then and it isn't now, so Ellie doesn't feel like cooking.

She sits down on the bunk bed, sets her backpack between her legs and puts her handgun on the small nightstand. It's getting dark quickly now. Through the window opposite her, Ellie can see the dimly lit forest and apart from the occasional call of an owl it's utterly silent. But it's a loud silence, roaring, screaming at her you're alone, you're all alone and for what?

Ellie drops her gaze and lies down. Hands on her chest she tries to take a few calming breaths, reflexively reaching for her fingers that aren't there anymore and lays a hand on Dina's bracelet instead.

Dina.

Warm eyes, soft hair, gentle touch, bright smile. Dina.

Ellie exhales. She'll reach Jackson tomorrow.

She closes her eyes.

Scratchy beard, hazel eyes, comforting hands, strong hugs.

Ellie sleeps.

She snaps awake just a few hours later, her whole body on alert, hand reaching for her switchblade. She's not sure what woke her. A noise, probably. Looking back she gets why Joel was always such a light sleeper. Back when they were traveling together he woke up every time Ellie so much as shifted in the covers. She used to feel a bit guilty for that, until she decided that, Jesus Christ, it's not her fault the man had ears like, like...

Like whatever animal it is that has good ears.

Things are different now. Ellie has been traveling alone for months with no one to look after her but herself, so she has grown more than wary of strange noises waking her in the night. She grabs her backpack and Joel's revolver and steps out of the cabin to see what's going on.

It's completely dark out. What little light there is comes from the moon, and the clouds are doing their best to stop that from happening, so it's not much. Ellie's flashlight stays off. She doesn't want to draw attention to herself, doesn't want to get sneaked up on. She'd much rather do the sneaking herself, something that works a lot better in the dark.
Ellie moves slowly, revolver drawn, trying to keep quiet, but she can't help the rustle of leaves under her feet. Apart from that it's quiet. Whatever noise woke her up hasn't made a reappearance yet. Probably just some animal. Ellie is about to turn back when the forest abruptly stops and her next step meets solid ground.

A road.

Huh.

Now that the trees aren't blocking the sky anymore the moon grants her a little more light and Ellie frowns at the street under her feet.

It looks... fine.

Nothing like the streets usually look after 25 years in the apocalypse. There's the odd crack in the tarmac here and there, but other than that it's a perfectly drivable road. Nothing blocking or growing on it, not a single broken down car in sight.

That's... weird.

And that's about as far as her train of thought takes her, because she's interrupted by a noise, closely followed by a beam of light, throwing her shadow on the road.
Ellie doesn't even think about stepping out of the way. Her last thought is Huh. That would explain what woke me and then there's frantic honking and screeching tires and Ellie is knocked off her feet. She hits the floor hard, her head slamming into the softer ground of the woods and her world goes dark.

The first thing she becomes aware of is a raging headache and a dark room. It takes her embarrassingly long to realise she's lying in a bed and that alone is enough to send her heart racing. That's when she notices the steady beeping to her left getting faster.

A heart monitor? Since when are those a thing again?

Ellie props herself up on her elbows, grimacing at the pain in her head. Taking stock of her surroundings she notices that this room she's lying in looks a whole lot like the rooms in Jackson's clinic, just fancier, and a look to the window confirms that she is in a town. It's still dark outside, but she can see lights. As far as she knows Jackson is the closest town to that little cabin, but it was still hours away on foot. How did she get here so fast?

Oh. That's right. She was hit by a car. Maybe it was on of Jackson's and the dickface that hit her recognized her and dropped her off here. In Jackson. Granted, this is where Ellie was headed, but she thought she'd get more time—say, a day's walk—to prepare herself. Ellie did not plan to wake up in the heart of the town. She was going to walk up to the gate, say hi, maybe even give a friendly wave and then—

Okay, so she hasn't actually thought farther than that. She'd figured the rest would just come naturally. Maybe the guards would naturally shoot her. That would take care of a lot of her worries.

Except Jackson doesn't normally shoot stragglers. Sucks for her.

But whatever she'd imagined, it sure would have beaten the hell out of waking up in the clinic. Who even knows she's here? Maria? Probably Maria. Dina? Hopefully not. Tommy?

Christ, Tommy. How can she face him after what she did, what she didn't do.

The beeping grows faster and when did Jackson get heart monitors anyway?

Voices from outside the room draw her gaze to the door. Through a small window she sees an old man with white hair and glasses holding a clipboard. Looks like a doctor. Ellie doesn't know him, but she hasn't been to Jackson in over a year, there are bound to be new people. The white coat and scrubs are a bit fancy for her taste, not that she's all that focused on him. Who really has her attention is the guy he's talking to, because from behind the guy looks a whole lot like Joel, down to the hair and the jacket and the width of his shoulders.

Ellie turns away, clenching her hands around the bed sheets to keep them from trembling.

Just a man. Not Joel.

Just a man, not Joel, because Joel is dead in the ground and has been for well over a year now. About the same amount of time she spent not talking to him.

Ellie squeezes her eyes shut against the headache that's pounding away at her.

Hazel eyes, deep voice, strong hugs, comforting hands.

It doesn't calm her like it usually does, but Ellie is so exhausted she falls asleep anyway.

Next time she wakes up, it's to Joel slumped on a chair in her room. Sleeping. That gives her a pause. She's never hallucinated him sleeping before. Usually he's just standing in a corner of the room, giving her looks of pity and asking questions like What are you doing, kiddo? You really gonna go through with this?

Yeah. Yeah, she fucking was and screw everyone who stood in her way.

It's not gonna bring me back.

She fucking knew that. Didn't change a damn thing. Ellie said she was going to kill every last one of them and that was exactly what she was going to do

And she did. She killed everyone but one.

Ellie doesn't know if it's regret or relief she feels when she thinks back to that day on the beach, and quite frankly, she's too much of a coward to dig deep enough into her psyche to find out. Instead she just feels sick and tries not to think about it at all.

But that day was also the last time she... saw him. She hasn't hallucinated him since, hasn't had a nightmare, hasn't looked over her shoulder because she expected him to be there, telling her to slow the hell down because he was getting too old to be running around like that.

Ellie doesn't know how to feel about that either. All these bookstores she's come across and never once did she find a self help book that said What to do when your father figure you sort of pretended to hate for two years is brutally murdered in front of you the day after you started to forgive him and you set out to avenge him, but don't actually kill his killer.

That book would really come in handy right about now.

Although, objectively speaking, not seeing a hallucination of your dead father figure is probably a good thing, right? So where does that leave her? Because that's definitely Joel in the chair. Hallucination-Joel, not real-Joel, looking all comfy with his head tipped back, arms crossed over his chest and legs stretched out in front of him.

Ellie stares at the ceiling with a sigh. Here goes hoping she's getting any better. "Fuck."

Hallucination-Joel stirs. Do hallucinations usually wake up? Hell, do hallucinations even sleep?

"Ellie?"

Ellie very determinedly does not turn her head. "Nope, I'm not talking to you."

There's a pause and the rustle of clothes. The chair creaks. "Ellie."

Fuck, no. No, no, no. She wants so badly to hear his voice again, but not like this. Not like this. "You're not supposed to be here."

It's cruel, seeing him like this, hearing his voice, and a part of Ellie wants to slam her head against the wall until it stops. But another part of her, one she wants to suffocate until it's just as lifeless as the rest of her, glimmers into a small spark of relief at Joel's presence. Even when that presence is not actually real. Hallucination-Joel is better than no Joel at all. It means she's not alone.

Joel sighs. He sounds tired. "The hospital called me. Apparently you kept mumbling my name and they didn't know who else to contact, since you didn't have your phone or ID with you. You—"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" She does turn her head then, but forgets all about her confusion at the sight of him.

Joel is leaning forward, elbows on his knees, the worry lines etched into his forehead even more pronounced than usual. He looks pretty much exactly like every other hallucination she's had of him, except for the startling intensity of his eyes.

God, he looks so real. Ellie fists her blanket to keep herself from reaching out a hand. She's done that before—tried to touch him, only to meet nothing but air, followed by crippling disappointment. A follow-up to that moment is just about the last thing Ellie needs right now.

Joel puts his hands on his knees, pushing himself up. "Look, I'm gonna get the doctor, alright?"

A bitter laugh escapes her. "Yeah, good fucking luck with that."

Hurt flashes in his eyes and the memory of that evening at the dance pierces her brain like an arrow. Ellie feels the crazy need to apologize. To a figment of her imagination. But that look is gone as quickly as it appeared and he moves to the door without another word. Ellie watches him leave, trying to swallow down the panic at the thought of not seeing him again.

Maybe this is it. Maybe he's gone for good this time.

Maybe Ellie really is alone now.

Or at least she would be if it wasn't for the small fact that she's in Jackson—the place she called home for four years. She's gonna have to confront that sooner or later.

And screw it, she needs to get out of this room.

Ellie kicks back the blanket and climbs out of the bed, immediately regretting the speed of her actions when her headache comes back full force. She raises a hand to the back of her head to find a sizeable lump there.

"Hit by a fucking car. Fucking asshole..."

Only when starts taking the steps to the window does she notice that she's wearing a hospital gown.

A whole ass hospital gown. Jesus, what happened in Jackson while she was gone?

And then she reaches the window and her brain stutters to a complete halt. This... this can't be Jackson, it can't be. There are cars driving around. Like, a lot of them, stopping at red lights and crosswalks, casually taking corners and parking at some place called Walmart.

There's actual traffic going on.

If it wasn't for the pounding in her head Ellie would think this is a dream. A lot may have changed since she's last been to Jackson, but no way they have cars now. Not this many. Sure, there's the odd tractor or pick up truck they use to transport heavier supplies and gear, but not this. This is the stuff from twenty five years ago.
Ellie is starting to feel a little light headed when the door opens and Joel and the doctor enter the room.

Seems like Joel is not done with her after all.

"Miss Miller, it's good to see you awake," the doctor says, "though you shouldn't be out of bed yet. That's quite the hit to the head you took. Had us all worried. How are you feeling?"

Ellie stares.

The doc frowns. "Miss Miller?"

"Huh?"

"I asked how you were feeling."

"I'm— I don't—" Ellie puts a hand on the windowsill for support and looks outside again. Cars, people, no horses. "Where am I, what's going on?"

Now it's Joel's turn to frown as he looks at the doctor. (He's getting awfully involved for a hallucination.)

The doctor keeps looking at Ellie. "You're in Jackson, Wyoming. You were hit by car during the night and suffered a concussion. The driver called an ambulance and you were transmitted to the hospital at four a.m. You were unconscious for three hours."

Ellie tries to suck in a breath, but the oxygen never reaches her lungs. "You better stop fucking lying to me."

"Ellie—"

"Miss Miller. I think perhaps you should take a se-"

"Don't you take another step towards me!"

Both Joel and the doctor stop in their tracks. Ellie takes a frantic look across the room. Her backpack is in the opposite corner of the room—too far away. God knows where her switchblade is, the revolver—

"Ellie. Ellie listen to me."

That's Joel's voice. Joel who is dead and definitely not standing in the room right now. Why does he sound so real?

"You're in Jackson. You're safe." Joel lifts a hand to the doctor's shoulder. "This is Doctor Carter. I know him, alright? You can trust him."

But Ellie is not absorbing any of his words, because Joel just put his hand on the doctor's shoulder. She can even see the dents in the coat where Joel's hand is resting.

Hallucinations aren't supposed to do that.

With a shaky breath, Ellie fixes her eyes at the doctor. "You can see him?"

The confusion in the doc's eyes is answer enough.

Ellie's world tips sideways and she stumbles with it. Her shoulder hits the wall, her knees threaten to buckle—

Joel crosses the distance berween them in a single step, taking her by the shoulders. "Easy, kiddo."

Ellie's hand flies to his forearm. His very firm, very solid, very real forearm.

This can't be. She's lost it. She has completely and utterly lost it. Her mind is fucked.

"Ellie, hey, look at me."

I am.

Hazel eyes, scratchy beard, deep voice and the proof of his comforting hands on her shoulders.

"I think I'm gonna throw up."

Good thing she barely eats these days, but that's probably also the reason for the black spots appearing in her vision and the muted sounds of Joel raising his voice at the doctor. The words Ellie can't make out, because she's busy losing consciousness. She feels herself falling forward, the only thing preventing her from hitting the floor Joel's arms around her. Ellie has just enough presence of mind to feel her head dropping againt his chest. She imagines she can hear his heartbeat. It must be his. Her's has gone numb long ago.

Thump.

Thump.

Ellie closes her eyes. She wouldn't mind dying like this. Maybe that's what's happening.

You're okay, kiddo. I got you.

I know you do.

And with that Ellie lets herself go.

Chapter Text

Joel

Joel looks at the still body in the hospital bed and releases a heavy sigh.

What a night.

Getting a call from the hospital at four in the morning is not how he thought he'd start his day, and he definitely didn't expect the call to be about Ellie being hit by car.

He'd driven to the hospital with the full intention to punch the driver in the face, but when he got there, he saw that the guy was barely out of his teens and pretty shaken up already, so Joel settled for the meanest death glare he could manage. The kid had turned several shades whiter, shrunk a few inches and will probably never drive a car again.

That's just fine with Joel.

When it comes to car accidents he's had his fill. The less reckless drivers on the road the better Joel will sleep at night.

Interlocking his hands in front of his mouth, he makes peace with the fact that he will sleep like absolute shit tonight. Not only does the whole Ellie-being-hit-by-a-car-thing bring up some unwelcome memories, it also raises some damn good questions like: What was she doing out there in the middle of the night? Why didn't she tell him she was coming? Why didn't Tommy tell him she was coming? Why is she here at all?

And why the hell is she missing two fingers?

People don't just lose their fingers the same way they accidently break a bone. Something bad must have happened. Something Tommy conveniently forgot to mention.

What on earth did Ellie get herself into that she lost two fingers? And on her left hand, no less. As if losing fingers wasn't already bad enough, it had to happen on her fretting hand. It's gonna make playing the guitar pretty damn hard, if not impossible.

Joel runs a hand over his face, coming to terms with a very heavy thought. Maybe she's stopped playing. How would he know? Tommy only tells him so much. Maybe she's changed. She looks like she has. Different hair cut, the tattoo is new. Interesting design, the moth. Looks a bit like the one on the guitar Joel gave her. A coincidence, probably. Ellie wouldn't get a design stitched into her skin that's so clearly tied to him.

Would she?

Letting his gaze roam over her features, his heart only grows heavier. Ellie looks old. Older than a girl her age should look. Even now in her sleep there's a slight frown on her face, as if she's worried or in pain.

Joel rubs the ball of his hand over his chest at the ache that's spreading there. He forgot to take his damn pills this morning, hell, he only just remembered putting on some pants before running out of the door. Maybe he's got some in the car. Pills, that is. They should make the heartache go away, at least. The anger will probably stay until he gets his hands on Tommy.

Joel is going to choke the life out of his brother if he doesn't show up here with a good explanation and it better be the best goddamn explanation Joel has ever heard.

He fishes his phone out of his pocket and sighs at the blank display. Still no answer from him...

The door to the room opens and Carter comes in. "How's she doing?" he asks.

"You tell me."

Carter squints at the heart monitor by Ellie's side. "Vital signs are looking good. Has she woken up at all?"

Joel shakes his head and gets up from his chair, gripping the railing of Ellie's bed as he takes in the troubled look on her face. "Is she going to be alright?"

"Difficult to say with head injuries. We'll have to wait until she wakes up to see how she's doing."

"Earlier...." Joel says, flexing his jaw, "when she said 'You see him, too', like she thought I wasn't real... What happened there?"

"She was probably just confused," Carter says in a tone Joel doesn't like at all. It's his doctor voice, the one he uses when has a bad feeling about something and doesn't want to admit it for fear of causing a panic. Joel should know. He's been on the receiving end of that voice. "Hits to the head do funny things to the brain. Chances are pretty good it's just temporary, but again, we'll have to wait for her to wake up to be sure.”

Joel's eyes jump to Ellie's missing fingers and his grip on the railing tightens. "What about her hand?"

"Well, there's not much I can do in a way of treatment. The wounds are closed and healed relatively well;  whatever happened must have happened several weeks or even months ago. I'm more worried about how it might have happened."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean it's not a clean cut. It looks more like..."

"Like?"

Carter nervously shifts his weight, giving Joel the feeling that he's really not going to like what he's about to hear.

"Well, it looks more like they were... ripped off."

" Ripped off?"

"Perhaps bitten off..."

Joel steps away from the bed, hand rising to his chest where his heart hurts with every beat against his ribcage.

Jesus Christ. How did Ellie get her fingers ripped off?

"Joel, I think you need to sit down- "

The pressure in his chest grows so heavy Joel can barely breathe. He ignores Carter’s helping hand and flees for the door instead

Where are they, goddammit.

Joel is rifling through his glove box in search of that little pill bottle he knows he put in his car somewhere, but all he finds are a dozen old cassettes and a pair of sunglasses he hasn't worn in twenty years.

He directs his search under the seat where he's met with a worrying amount of dog hair, no less than three chewed on tennis balls, this car’s worth in coins and more dog treats than he cares to count. He's pretty sure some of those are growing mold.

What he doesn’t find are his pills. Thank God. If Joel had found them there under the seat the only place he'd have chucked them is nuclear waste. Same place he's gonna dump this car if he'll ever be able to afford a new one, jesus.

He straightens up, closing the door to his truck with a defeated sigh.

Now what.

Someone pointedly clears their throat behind him and Joel turns around to see Carter coming towards him. The old man is fishing a lighter and cigarette from his breast pocket, and without asking for permission puts himself next to Joel.

"Want one?" he asks.

"I don't smoke."

"Good for you. Habit's a pain to keep these days, but it's either that or alcohol and I hear it's a little frowned upon to show up drunk on the job."

Joel gives a non-commital grunt. He really couldn't care less about the doc's smoking habits. His thoughts are on Ellie. What happened to her in the years since she left? What happened to the little girl Joel once knew?

Carter nudges his arm. Two pills are lying in his open palm.

"What's that?"

"GTN." He nods at Joel's chest, brow furrowed in worry. "Need a check up?"

Joel grudgingly takes the pills. "No."

"You sure?"

"I don't need a check up, I need to know she's going to be okay."

"We'll see," Carter says, taking a drag from his cigarette. "How come you never told me you had a daughter?"

Joel sighs inwardly. That question had to come sooner or later. "She doesn't live with me."

"Yeah, I gathered that much."

Out of the corner of his eye Joel sees the doc turning his head toward him, waiting for him to fill the gaps.

He doesn't.

Carter blows out a cloud of smoke, a wry smile on his lips.  "So, I guess that’s that conversation over with then." He huffs a laugh when Joel doesn't say anything. "I'll have someone come get you if she wakes up. " Carter stomps out his cigarette and goes back inside.

Joel is left alone in the parking lot, staring at the pills in his hand. He lays one under his tongue, the other he stows away for later. As the pain in his chest slowly lessens, so does his anger and with that his energy, and Joel is left feeling like the tired, old man he has become. He takes a look at his watch, sees that it's past noon and prays to a God he occasionally believes in that Halican hasn't pissed on the carpet.

Maybe he should text Tess, ask her if she can take him for a walk. Maybe he should text Tess and ask if she knows why Ellie is here. Or maybe he should text Tess and tell her to text Tommy that if he doesn't respond to Joel's texts within the next two minutes Joel is going to throw his brick at his head next time he shows his face.

Very mature, Dad.

Joel sighs at the moral compass in his head. That's what he gets for looking at his watch too long.

"Mr Miller?"

He looks up and sees a nurse standing in the entrance of the hospital.

"She's awake," is all she says and those simple words make him way more nervous than they should. He gives himself a moment to breathe and then follows the nurse inside.

It's just Ellie, he tells himself, no need to be nervous. None at all.

When Joel enters the room Ellie is sitting on the foot of the bed and Carter is shining a light in her eyes. Eyes that immediately jump to his, traveling over his face and down his body, stopping somewhere at his leg. Her face does something complicated then, like she has trouble believing what she's seeing.

Which does not bode well.

"Miss Miller?"

Ellie's eyes stay glued to Joel.

"Ellie?"

Only when Carter says her name does Ellie react. She tears her eyes off Joel and directs them at the doctor, but she still looks lost.

"I'm going to ask you a few simple questions, okay? Nothing to worry about."

"Okay."

"What's your name?"

"Ellie."

"Full name, please."

She frowns. "Uhm, Williams. Ellie Williams."

Ouch.

She really is done with him, isn't she?

Carter raises a questioning eyebrow at Joel, Joel nods. What else can he do?

"Can you tell me what year it is?" Carter asks.

"It's, uh, two-thousand... forty."

That took her a little long. Joel crosses his arms over his chest as Carter jots something down on his notepad. He can't read it from where he's standing, but he doubts it's something good.

"And who's president at the moment?"

"President— what? You mean Maria?"

Carter stares blankly at Ellie. Ellie stares back. Then both sets of eyes jump to his, as if he has any idea what's going on.

"It's fine, she's... never been much for politics."

What else could he say? Who doesn't know who the president is?

The doc doesn't look convinced. "Right." He tucks his pen in his breast pocket, going over his notes. He purses his lips, scratches at his stubble. Hums. Scratches some more. "Alright, I'd like to do some more tests, see if—"

Ellie immediately tenses up. "Tests? What kind of tests?"

"A CT scan for starters, see if there's any damage to the skull. A brain scan—"

"A brain scan? Fuck, no, I'm not brain damaged. You're not doing any tests on me."

"Miss Miller—"

"Stop fucking calling me that!" Ellie pushes past Carter to the window, putting her hands against the glass. She doesn't just look lost anymore, she looks scared and that tears at Joel's heart.

"Miss Mill— Ellie, I really think it would be beneficial to—"

" No. I'm done here." Ellie rushes the steps to the bed where her clothes and backpack are.

"You can't just leave. We have to at least keep you overnight for observation."

Ellie ignores him, frantically searching through her backpack. "Where's my— his— " Then she looks between Joel and Carter, seemingly deciding on something and says, "nevermind." She takes the pile of clothes and strides toward the bathroom, but Carter blocks her path.

"I need you to please reconsider— "

"Get the fuck outta my way."

The doc locks eyes with Joel, silently asking for help, but Joel doesn't give it to him. He has no idea what's going on with Ellie, all he knows is that he wants her to be okay and he wants to make that scared face disappear and if that means getting her out of the hospital against medical advice, then so be it.

"You heard her. We're done here."

To Carter's credit he doesn't try to fight him on it. He just sighs, letting Joel know exactly how stupid that move is and steps out of the way. Ellie storms off to the bathroom while Carter keeps his eyes on Joel, giving him a disapproving look. "I'll get the paperwork done, just know that she'll be leaving—"

"—against medical advice, yeah, I've heard that one before, haven't I?”

"Like father, like daughter. Guess I should have known."

Joel doesn't bother replying and Carter leaves the room with another sigh.

Ellie exits the bathroom a moment later, fully dressed with her backpack on her shoulders. She stops in the doorway and just looks at him. Joel has no idea what to make of these looks. Ellie still looks lost, confused and... sad?

Something is definitely wrong and Joel needs to find out what it is, needs to make it alright again.

"All set?" he asks, after the stares and the silence get a little awkward.

Ellie nods.

Joel opens the door. "Come on, kiddo."

He's pretty sure he sees Ellie's lips tremble.

"Where are we going?" she asks.

Joel takes in the downward curve of her mouth, her sad eyes and the way she clenches her left hand, then he locks eyes with her and says, "I'm taking us home."

Chapter Text

Ellie

Ellie knows two things.

One: At some point between falling asleep in the cabin and getting hit by a car something went completely fucking haywire because things were normal then, and suddenly they weren't. Suddenly she was in a hospital bed, wearing a hospital gown and Joel was alive. Still is, in fact, Ellie confirms with a glance to her side—a steady presence as if he was never even gone at all and as much as Ellie wishes otherwise, that's not her world. In her world people don't drive cars and they don't walk their dogs with the leash in one hand and a phone in the other and they don't exit stores with shopping carts full of groceries.

That means something must have happened that landed her here.

Two: She's not dead, which is already kind of a bummer, but as if that wasn't bad enough on its own, she now has to deal with whatever this is.

Quite frankly, as soon as Ellie tries to figure out what exactly is happening one big question mark pops up in her head, surrounded by lots of small question marks and a few exclamation marks.

Bottom line is, she has absolutely no idea what's going on.

As she crosses the parking lot with Joel by her side, she notices one thing that makes sense. Joel is clearly heading for that old banged up pick-up truck painted in a washed out red.

Yeah, definitely the kind of car Joel would drive.

Ellie does her best at pretending everything is totally normal as she gets in on the passenger seat, backpack between her legs, while Joel seats himself behind the steering wheel. As he puts the keys in the ignition the sleeve of his jacket rides up, revealing his watch. Ellie does a double take when she realises in what condition that watch is. It's not broken. The glass is entirely whole and clean, the hands inside merrily ticking away.

The sight is so alien that Ellie has trouble tearing her gaze away. Joel notices her staring and glances at his watch as if looking for whatever caught Ellie's attention, but there's nothing there to find.

"It's three o'clock," is all he says.

"Yeah, I can... see that." Ellie swallows. turning her gaze to the window as Joel starts the drive home.

It's a short drive. Thanks to Joel's working watch Ellie can see that it takes just about ten minutes. Ten minutes is a good amount of time to give Joel a proper once over, now that he can't exactly stare back, and it takes her just about two seconds to notice that the scar on the bridge of his nose is missing. His nose is perfectly fine, unmarked, un-punched, and that, somehow, is even more unsettling than his unbroken watch because who is this Joel?

Strangely enough, he doesn't seem nearly as confused about this whole thing as Ellie is, which means... what exactly?

Fucking hell, if this is a dream Ellie would really like to wake up right about now because wrecking her brain about what's going on is getting exhausting.

The first (and to be honest only) idea that's come to her mind so far is time travel, but she discards that idea as quickly as it came because Joel doesn't look any younger. In fact, now that she's focusing on the small details instead of the big, bold HE'S ALIVE, she notices that he even looks a little older. There's a little more gray in his hair and beard.

He looks like Ellie imagines he'd look like now if he hadn't been fucking killed.

Ellie is just about to get a crick in her neck from keeping head turned for five minutes straight when she sees Joel's eyes jumping to the side and yeah, he's definitely noticed her staring now. Time to look the other way.

The view through the car window offers little comfort. This is Jackson alright, but it's not her Jackson. There's not a single horse in sight, not to mention the missing watchtowers. The only way she can tell this is Jackson at all are the familiar buildings. The hospital she woke up in looked like the clinic; she could see the church from the window of her hospital room and they just drove past the Tipsy Bison, which means, theoretically, Joel's house is not far. Just a few more turns and—

There it is. Mail box, porch and wind chime and everything.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me."

Joel shoots her a look as he parks the truck in the drive way. "Something wrong?"

"No, nothing." I'm just losing my mind is all.

Ellie climbs the stairs behind Joel, hand trailing over the banister. Since Seattle she's only been to his house once, back when they were packing up to leave for the farm and Ellie decided which memories she wanted to take with her and which she wanted to leave behind. Tommy was there with her that day. He took some stuff for himself—Joel's owl mug, the picture of the two of them, Joel's guitars... even the unfinished ones. It was good, remembering Joel with Tommy. It was the closest she's felt to him since his death and Tommy is the closest thing she has to Joel. Or had, rather. Ellie doubts Tommy will ever want to speak to her again when he finds out she let Abby walk away.

Just another loss on a very long list.

Ellie follows Joel inside. The house looks... pretty much the same, just in better condition. She doesn't get the impression it stood empty for twenty years during the apocalypse.

And that's as far as her observations go because she's interrupted by a sound that reminds her of Buckley when he's so excited to see someone that his paws just scratch over the floor a couple times before he finds traction.

Joel has a dog?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, he does, and Ellie only just stops herself from reaching for her switchblade, before the dog jumps up at her, trying his best to slobber all over her face.

Ellie pets him over the head a little half-heartedly, trying to keep her face out of reach of his tongue (and teeth). Her recent experience with dogs haven't exactly been positive, in fact, most tried to kill her, so she doesn't think she's too for in the wrong when she's grown a little wary of them.

Joel comes to her rescue. "Alright, boy, I think she's got the message, calm down."

The dog directs his excitement at Joel and Joel gives him a good scratch behind the ears and rubs down his back.

The sight is actually a familiar one. Joel always did have a soft spot for Buckley.

The dog calms down eventually and trots off to the sitting room and Ellie and Joel are left standing in the hall, no one quite knowing where to look.

Joel clears his throat. "Your room's still there if you wanna... put away your things."

Her room?

Ellie doesn't have a room in Joel's house. She had one for, like, the first two or three weeks before they fixed up the garage, but that was little more than a bed and a closet and when Ellie moved into the garage that room became Joel's workshop.

Also, her having a room implies that Ellie or an Ellie exists here.

Two Jacksons, two Joels, two Ellies. Totally makes sense.

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna... do that." Ellie turns away from Joel and heads up the stairs , hoping that her room is the one Joel had his workshop in.

It is. Thank God. Would have been pretty awkward had Joel caught her stumbling through the house looking for her room.

Honestly, Ellie is a little disappointed. Standing in the doorway she decides that this has to be the saddest bedroom she has ever seen, and Ellie has seen a lot of bedrooms.

There's a desk by the window, a closet pushed to the wall, a pretty nice double bed...

And a guitar. One she can't play because she's missing two fingers. She balls her hand to a fist which doesn't really help against the phantom pain and turns away from the guitar toward the bed. It looks slept in, which likely means that the other Ellie is around somewhere and going to show up here sooner or later.

She needs to talk to Joel, figure out what's going on and fix it. Somehow.

Ellie leaves her backpack by the desk and goes back downstairs in search for Joel. She finds him in the kitchen, staring through the window with a coffee mug in hand. Figures.

He turns around when Ellie approaches him, setting the coffee mug on the table.

"So," he says.

"So..."

"What's going on with you?"

"Excellent question. I'm... not sure."

"What do you mean?"'

"Okay, so this is going to sound crazy, but this isn't my world."

He narrows his eyes at her. "What?"

"I mean, I'm not from here. This isn't right, none of this is. This isn't my Jackson, this isn't my reality, I don't have a room in your house- "

Ellie doesn't even notice how fast she's talking until Joel raises his hands in an attempt to calm her down.

"Woah, woah, Ellie, slow down. What are you talking about?"

Ellie gestures helplessly with her hand trying to collect her thoughts. They don't really become less of a jumbled mess but she tries to explain herself anyway. "I was walking back to Jackson, but it was getting late, so I decided to spend the night in this abandoned cabin I found. I went to sleep, woke up a few hours later by some weird noise, so I decided to take a look. Turned out it was a car, I got run over and next thing I know I wake up in a hospital and you're... there."

"Hang on, you... walked here?"

"Yeah."

"All the way from Texas?"

"What? No, Santa Barbara."

"The hell were you doing in Santa Barbara?"

"Why would I be in Texas?"

Joel looks at Ellie like she has lost her mind and Ellie has a feeling she looks just as confused.

Joel snaps out of it first. "I'm getting the feeling we're talking past each other here."

"No shit."

"Let's just sit down and then you're gonna tell me from the start what's going on."

"Like, all the way from the start?"

"That'd be best, yeah."

"It's... kind of a long story."

Joel sits down at the table, putting his hands around his coffee mug. "I got time."

"Alright." Ellie sits down across from him, hands in her lap. "Ever heard of the cordyceps fungus?"

Joel looks like he's trying very hard to pretend that this is a totally normal way to start a conversation. "...no."

"Well, in the year of our Lord 2013..."

Chapter Text

Joel

"So, let me get this straight." Joel pauses for effect. "Zombies."

"Not really. They're not undead, the fungus in their brain just makes them go crazy and makes them want to eat people. And they look gross."

"Right."

"But for the sake of simplification, sure, let's go with zombies."

Joel leans back in his chair, dragging a hand over his face.

What the hell.

"So, you're telling me you're, what, from the future?"

"I have thought about that. pretty sure I'm not, though, 'cause you don't look any younger. Plus," Ellie says, pointing to the calendar on the wall, "that says September 2040, same time I live in."

Joel sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "You do realize what your story sounds like, right?"

"Like I've lost my mind, yeah. Not sure that's not the case, yet, so maybe keep an eye on that."

Joel lets out a breath, nods to himself. "Right." He gets up, pours himself a glass of water and opens the medical cabinet.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking an aspirin. You're giving me a headache."

"You have a headache? I feel like somebody drilled a hole in my skull, sucked my brain out with a straw, put it in a blender and poured the remains back in my head."

Joel grimaces. "You really didn't have to go into that much detail."

"Just wanted to make sure I'm bringing the point across."

"Oh, you've brought it across, alright."

Joel swallows the aspirin, puts the glass into the sink.

"Feeling any better?"

"I'm just gonna give it a couple minutes."

He doubts a couple minutes will make him feel any better. And the aspirin won't help much either. With a sigh he puts his hands on the counter and watches his knuckles go white with the strength of his grip.

"You okay?" Ellie asks behind him.

"Yep."

No. No, he's not okay, he's... angry. Disappointed. Mostly at himself. Ever since Ellie— his Ellie—walked out the door, there's been that small spark of hope that one day she would come back, and no matter how hard he tried that spark wouldn't snuff out. So when he got that call from the hospital that she was here, that spark had caught flame and grew into a fire (muted down by the fact that Ellie was injured in a hospital.) But it what this Ellie says is true—and he can barely believe he's actually contemplating the idea—then that means that his Ellie hasn't come back and that fire is down to a spark again; smaller than before, but still there and hurting more than ever.

"Where did you get this?"

Joel turns around and finds Ellie standing by the bookshelf, holding An idiot's guide to space.

"Amazon," Joel answers.

"You’ve fished this out of a river in South America?"

Joel gives Ellie a blank look. "...no. I bought it. Online."

Ellie nods to herself. "Right, I'll just pretend to know what that means."

"How do you not know what Amazon is?"

"Hey, in my world human progress stopped in 2013 and I was born 6 years after that, so..."

Right. Zombie apocalypse. How could he forget…

Joel watches as Ellie puts the book back on the shelf. She looks sad again. That more than anything she's told him proves to him that she's telling the truth. His Ellie doesn't look like that, so worn out by life, so... beaten.

Underneath all the confusion is a bit of relief. It means his Ellie is fine. She has all her fingers, can play the guitar and doesn't have the eyes of a battle traumatised soldier.

Seems like he won't have to kill Tommy, after all. Good news, that.

The question that remains is, what happened to this Ellie?

Joel sees her stifling a yawn and only then does he notice how tired he is, even though it's still early in the evening. But then, his day has been rather eventful and Ellie's even more so.

He clears his throat, getting Ellie's attention. "Look, how about we just call it a day and work on... working things out tomorrow?"

"Sounds good to me. I'm just gonna have to find a place to sleep. An abandoned shed maybe or a cave..."

A cave?

"Hold on, you're not gonna sleep in a cave. Your bedroom—Ellie's bedroom is just fine."

"And when she comes here and finds me sleeping in her room?"

"Uh, no, you don't need to worry about that. She's... away"

"Away?"

"College."

"Oh." It's quiet. Barely a word. "What's she studying?"

"Whatever it is you study to become an astronaut."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. Why, not your thing?"

"No, it…" she turns away from him, eyes on An idiot's guide to space. "It sounds pretty cool actually."

Oh.

Not much chance of becoming an astronaut during the apocalypse, Joel reckons.

"Anyway," Ellie says. (Joel may have known this Ellie for only a day, but he recognizes when his Ellie is using forced nonchalance and it sounds just the same.) "I'm gonna turn in. 'Night."

She flees for the stairs before Joel can say anything.

A vibration in his pocket tells him he just got a text.

What's with all the calls? - T

Typical. 14 text messages and 6 missed calls and that's the response he gets.

Would it kill you to look at your phone more than once a day? - J

I'm looking now, what's going on? - T

Damn good question.

Is Ellie with you? - J  

Just to be sure.

Yeah. - T

Sure? - J

A moment passes before Tommy replies, suggesting he went to take a look.

She's watching a movie, giving me a weird look over her cereals. Probably knows I'm talking to you. - T

Joel breathes a laugh. Yeah, she would know that.

Wait a minute.

Why is she having cereals for dinner? - J

What’s wrong with cereals? -T

What's wrong with a proper dinner? -J

Well, tell me what you had for dinner then. Inspire me. - T

Joel is about to type his answer when he realises... he didn't actually have dinner. Or breakfast. Apart from that god-awful sandwich Carter forced down his throat he didn't eat anything at all.

And neither did Ellie.

Well shit. He's gone rusty in his parenting, that's for sure. He'll make up for it with a big breakfast.

Tommy takes his silence for an answer.

Ha! Next time you wanna bitch about my parenting skills, choose something you're actually better at.-  T

If Joel dragged his hand any harder over his face he'd permanently elongate it.

Look, believe it or not, but I actually called you for a reason - J

Do tell. - T

At four this morning I got a call from the hospital saying that Ellie got transmitted with a head injury she got from getting hit by a car. I sat at her bedside all night, looking at a new haircut, a tattoo and two missing fingers, and now you're telling me she's having dinner at your house.

Anything you want to add to that? - J

You're high? - T

Anything useful? - J

Then no. May I suggest you start making sense? - T

I took her home, she told me some wild story about a zombie fungus and you know what? I actually believe her. - J

A moment passes, then Joel's phone lights up with an incoming call. He doesn't get a word out before Tommy speaks.

"Just what the fuck are you on about?''

"Alright, I got it," Tommy says. "Twins."

Joel sighs. He's been doing that a lot this evening.

"Come on, it makes sense right?"

"You're telling me that-"

"Joel. You're mumbling. I can't understand shit."

Joel takes his face out of his hands and drops them on the table where his phone is set on speaker. "You're telling me that Ellie has a secret twin sister no one knows about who is also called Ellie?"

"Maybe Ellie is short for Eleanor, Eliza, Elena—"

"I'm gonna stop you right there."

"Fine, never mind about the name, but the twin thing is not that far-fetched. Ellie grew up in an orphanage, doesn't remember her mother or father... I don't think it would be so surprising."

"And the zombie story?"

"Ever entertained the idea that she's making that up?"

"Why would she make that up?"

"Well shit, Joel, I don't know, but come on... You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Actually... I kinda do."

"You're messing with me."

"Look, I can't explain it. Tommy, I just..." Joel sighs, rubs a hand over his forehead. "The look on her face when she told me her story... It just feels right."

Tommy is quiet for a long moment, then he just says, "well... crap."

"Yeah."

"Okay, so what are you gonna... I mean... what are you gonna... do? About it."

"Don't know yet."

"...right."

"Look, it was a long day, alright? She's sleeping and that's exactly what I'm gonna do next."

"Yeah, sure, sure. Uhhh... keep me… updated... or something." And there's a rustling noise which means Tommy is holding the phone to his chest, and a quiet, muttered "Fucking hell."

"I heard that."

"Yeah, whatever."

Ignoring his brother, Joel squints through the kitchen window trying to see what Halican is up to. He's let him into the yard during one of Tommy's monologues when it became clear that taking him for a walk would not be in the cards today.

He finds him taking a shit on the lawn.

"Oh, great..."

"What is?"

"Nothing. Listen, Tommy…" Joel lifts his phone to his ear and gets up from the table. "How is... she. Ellie, I mean, is she...?"

"She's fine, Joel," Tommy says and Joel hates how kind and reassuring he sounds. "She's doing great in school, one of the best in her class—kid's smarter than you and me put together. You should see her with JJ and Dina—she really loves these two. She's uh... she's been giving guitar lessons to the kids in town, earning some extra bucks. You'd be proud, she's doing a great job at it."

Joel swallows hard, one hand on his aching heart.

"I mean, there's stuff I can't talk to you about 'cause it's not my place to tell, but in general, all is good. You don't need to worry about her."

Now, why does that sound so cruel...

Joel releases a breath, closing his eyes for a second. "Okay. Thanks, Tommy."

“Hey Joel?”

"What."

“How have you been? Any… hits on the head recently?”

Joel narrows his eyes. “Is that your way of subtly asking me if I’m off my rocker?”

“Not so subtle, was it…”

“I’m not crazy, Tommy, and neither is she.”

“Alright, I’m just… making sure.” 

"Uh-huh…" With a look at his watch Joel decides to put an end to this entirely pointless conversation. “Give Maria my regards.”

“Uh-huh. Just as soon as you get your head out of your ass and give Tess my regards. When do I get to be brother in law?” 

Joel rolls his eyes and without another word hangs up the phone. He can still hear Tommy’s snicker, though, that bastard.  

Stuffing his phone in his pocket, Joel makes his way to the back door and whistles for Halican. The dog comes running, sniffing at Joel's hand, expecting a treat.

"Had fun ruining my yard?"

Halican sits, tail swishing back and forth over the floor.

"Alright." Joel takes a treat off the shelf by the door and Halican wolfs it down. "Now, how does a good night of sleep sound, huh, boy?"

Halican's ears perk up in agreement and Joel leads the way to his bedroom. He opens the door and immediately stops in the doorway.

Oh.

Ellie is sleeping in his bed.

Joel takes a quick look around and confirms that it's definitely his room. Closet, desk, guitar and double bed.

Yep, it's his room alright, which means either Ellie just didn’t give a shit or she doesn't actually know where her room is. Something tells him it's the latter.

He's got two choices now. Either he wakes Ellie up and shows her into her room, or he sleeps in Ellie's room.

Halican pushes his head between Joel's legs, probably to see what has his owner standing in the doorway like an idiot. He twists his head at Joel, Joel raises an eyebrow at him, looks at Ellie sleeping peacefully in his bed.

The decision takes him all but two seconds to make.

He closes the door, steps over Halican and walks into Ellie's room. Under his dog's watchful gaze he puts some new sheets on the bed and dresses down to his t-shirt and boxers. Realising this will be their place for the night. Halican turns in circles a few times before lying down in the middle of the carpet.

Joel for his part lies down on the bed and immediately grimaces. Back at the hospital when he realised he had a terrible night ahead of himself, he didn't think it would be because of Ellie's way too soft mattress.

His back will punish him tomorrow for this little excursion.

Joel makes himself as comfortable as he can, folding his hands on his chest and staring up at the ceiling. Ellie's glowing stars are still up there. She's arranged them in the shape of Orion, back when she went through her archery phase she never really grew out of. Big Dipper is right next to it, though Joel suspects she only put that one up for his sake because it's the only damn constellation he was ever able to find.

Ursa Major, that's the proper name.

See Ellie? I do listen.

Not that it matters now. Joel has missed his chance.

He wonders if Ellie has glowing stars at Tommy's too. He hopes so. And then he wonders if this other Ellie is also afraid of the dark, and if she has something that keeps that darkness at bay. He doubts it. Remembering the way she looked at him in the hospital, out of these deep, haunted eyes, Joel fears the darkness has already made a home in her chest.

Her world hasn't been very kind to her, that much is clear.

Joel is not especially good at being kind either, but he knows a thing or two about darkness taking hold on you, and he knows that all it really takes is someone carrying a little light. Maybe he could do that. He could try to make this world a little kinder for her. For as long as she’s here. For as long as that may be. He could at least try, see if he has that in him.

Yeah, he's going to try.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Ellie had slept surprisingly well.

Until some asshole decided six in the morning would be the perfect time to honk his truck right in front of Joel's house.

Joel's house. Where she still is.

Sitting on the foot of the bed, Ellie tries to weigh the arguments that prove she's gone insane against those that prove she's... not insane. So for the scale is tipping decidedly pro insanity, as Ellie has not been able to come up with a single point that would prove she hasn't lost her mind.

She does wonder, though, do insane people know they're insane? Do they feel their mind shattering? Do they try to put the shards back together, or do they just walk over them, paying them no mind at all, until all that's left is dust?

Ellie thinks she can feel her mind shattering, like cracks in a glass. She doesn't know if she'll have the strength to put it back together if it breaks. Maybe she won't want to. Maybe she'll stomp on the pieces that will be left behind, reduce them to particles and scatter them into the stars. She could become someone else, someone new. Someone with no memories, no fears, no mistakes and no regrets.

The thought is dangerously tempting. It sounds so blissful, being no one, having no past and no future. It sounds like everything Ellie needs to let go of...

Of everything.

A new start—that's what she needs. But there's something that's stopping her from doing just that. A hand on her shoulder, a kiss to her cheek and a tiny hand wrapping itself around her finger. 

Ellie can't lose herself yet. Before she can become no one, she needs to at least try to be someone.

Right now, she feels like neither—hovering in a void somewhere between cure for mankind and orphan. Between bringer of death and lover of life.

Noises coming from downstairs offer an escape from her mind. It feels like finding a thread in the middle of a maze and following it to the exit.

Someone is puttering away in the kitchen.

Not someone.

Joel.

Ellie takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She's going to go down there and she's going to look at Joel and she's going to try her damn hardest, not to let it get to her. She imagines sticking tape over the cracks of her mind.

She's not going to break. Not today.

Ellie enters the kitchen to the smell of pancakes sizzling on the stove, and freshly brewed coffee. Joel is standing at the kitchen range, coffee mug in one hand and flipping pancakes with the other. Ellie peeks over his shoulder, lays eyes on the mountain of pancakes Joel has already stacked on a plate and lets out a low whistle.

"Geez, are we expecting company?”

Joel turns off the stove. "You didn't eat anything yesterday, so I'm making sure you do today." He hands Ellie a plate filled with no less than five pancakes. "Coffee?"

"Absolutely not."

Joel smiles as if that answer was exactly what he expected to hear. "There's apple juice on the table, make yourself comfortable."

Ellie stares at her plate, the sight of it a little daunting. "I'm... actually not that hungry."

"Too bad." Joel prepares himself a plate and sits down at the kitchen table, looking at Ellie in a way that tells her there's no use in fighting him over this.

Ellie plops into the chair opposite him.

As soon as they're both seated, Joel's dog comes into the kitchen and lays his chin on Joel's thigh.

“Oh no, you don't," Joel says. He points across the room, snapping his fingers. "Back, boy."

Very reluctantly the dog trots over to the corner of the room and lies down, ears on alert, eyes never leaving Joel. The sight makes Ellie smile a little. She has to admit the dog is kind of cute.

"Ignore him. "Joel says.

"What's his name?"

"Halican."

"That's..." a weird ass name, "... interesting."

Joel grunts like he knows exactly what she thinks of that name and turns his attention to his food.

A problem Ellie is going to have to tackle sooner rather than later, too. She puts a forkful of pancake in her mouth and—

Damn.

These might just be the best pancake she's ever eaten.

"Well," Ellie says around her mouthful of food, "I think it's safe to say you're a better cook than—"

She breaks off.

Fuck.

"Than?"

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck.

"Ellie?"

She swallows the food. It goes down like stones and tastes like iron. Sand is grinding between her teeth, saltwater is burning in her wounds.

"Ellie."

It's Joel's hand on her left one that pulls her back. The skin contact burns like ice and Ellie snatches her hand back, holding the stumps of her fingers that pound in pain.

"You alright?"

It's Joel's voice. Joel's voice that she shouldn't be able to hear because Joel is dead.

He'sdeadHe'sdeadHe'sdead and whatever this is, it’s not going to bring him back. And it's not him.

It's not him.

"I'm fine," Ellie says, ignoring the tremble in her voice. So much for not letting it get to her.

"You sure?"

"I said I'm fine."

He doesn't believe her—that much is clear to see. But in a very Joel-like fashion he also doesn't pry. 

"Okay." He hesitates for a moment, then returns to his food. 

Ellie looks at her own food and even the thought of putting that stuff in her mouth makes bile rise in her throat. It's a shame really. Those were some good pancakes.

"Pancakes is the only thing I don't screw up, by the way."

Ellie blinks. "What?"

"You said I'm a better cook than... someone, but my Ellie never failed to remind me that pancakes is the only dish I'm good at." 

He takes a sip of his coffee, none the wiser to Ellie's internal chaos. Seeing him sitting at the breakfast table like nothing happened unleashes such a storm of emotions in her that Ellie doesn't know if she should laugh or cry. That's gotta be the first sign of insanity, right?

"Joel."

"Yeah?"

"No, I mean... you're a better cook than him. My Joel, I mean. He was... a terrible fucking cook."

Joel's eyes squint ever so slightly and only then does Ellie realise what she just said.

Was a terrible cook. Past tense.

Shit. That's one of the things she hasn't told him. There's actually a lot she hasn't told him. Her immunity for starters. The fact that she and Joel traveled halfway across the country to make a cure. She also didn't tell him that Joel single handedly dismantled the fireflies, killing dozens of people, saved Ellie from the operating table and doomed humanity in the process.

She didn't tell him about Abby. Or Seattle. Or Santa Barbara. And she didn't tell him about those two years not talking to him. Ellie is too much of a coward for that.

She doesn't meet his eyes across the table. Instead she picks at her food and pretends she doesn't feel him staring at her. He remains quiet, thankfully.

Eventually he leans back in his chair, finishing his coffee. "Alright, walk me through it again, you went to sleep in the cabin, woke up—"

"—got hit by a car, woke up in a hospital."

"Right, so. I reckon we go back to that cabin and just... take a look around."

“And look for what?”

"I don't know exactly. A clue, anything that might tell us what happened."

Ellie shrugs. "I guess that's as good a plan as any. We should get a move on then—it's gonna take us a few hours to get there."

"I own a car, Ellie."

Right. Cars. So convenient.

Joel gestures at her plate. "You've barely eaten."

"I told you I'm not hungry."

To Ellie's relief he doesn't put up a fight.

"Fine. You're the adult."

Well, that just sounded unnecessarily sarcastic.

Joel puts his plate in the sink and dumps Ellie's food in the trash (Ellie feels a little bit bad about that actually) and says, "let's head out."

Joel

Joel scratches at his beard, contemplating the assortment of snacks in the gas station.

What do people in the apocalypse eat? Stuff that doesn't go bad probably, so dried food, canned food, nuts... not that he has a lot to choose from - gas stations only offer so much. He decides on a bag of dried apple rings. One, because he really doesn't like nuts and two, because the dried apricots look like they've made the trip through the digestive system once before, and Joel gets diarrhea just looking at them. So. Dried apple rings it is.

He pays for the gas and the apples and gets back into the car with Ellie. As soon as they're back on the road he drops the bag of apple rings in Ellie's lap.

"Open that for me, will you?"

"What is that?"

"Dried apple rings."

"Why?"

"'Cause I felt like it. I need my hands on the wheel, are you gonna open it or not?"

Ellie opens the bag and Joel reaches inside for an apple ring.

It tastes like shit.

He gets another one.

"Gotta say," he says, hiding a grimace, "you're taking this remarkably well. This whole... being transported into another reality thing."

Ellie takes a contemplative look into the bag. "You know that feeling when things get too weird for your brain to comprehend, so you stop trying to understand them?"

"Can't say I do."

"Well, that's where I'm at right now," she says and helps herself to an apple ring.

Mission accomplished.

Now he just needs to keep her talking.

"So," Joel starts, clearing his throat, "can I ask what happened to your fingers?"

"Nope."

Fair enough.

"What about Santa Barbara then?"

Ellie stops chewing. "What about it?"

"It's a long way from Jackson. Just wondering why anyone would risk traveling halfway across the country in a world that's as dangerous as you've described it. I'm guessing it wasn't for a vacation."

"No," Ellie says, simply, "it wasn't."

Right, so somehow Joel has managed to bring up two sore spots in a row. Everybody needs a talent...

From the corner of his eye he sees Ellie eating another apple ring, more slowly though, as if she needed all her willpower to swallow it down.

"So, why did you think I was in Texas?" she asks.

"Uhm, Ellie lives there. With Tommy. Goes to college there."

She pauses. "Tommy lives in Texas?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

The surprise in her voice has Joel casting a quick glance at her. "Why not?"

"Because Jackson is his thing. He and Maria run the town together. Well, Maria more than Tommy, I just… can't really picture him anywhere else."

"Well, my Tommy never lived anywhere but in Texas."

"Weird, but okay. And this Ellie is going to college in Texas because—?"

"All the good science colleges are down there. Or so I've been told."

"You're telling me there's not one decent science college in all of Wyoming? I know there's one in Colorado, which wouldn't even be that far from here. I mean, with a car I bet you could reach it in—"

"Just ask what you wanna ask."

"Why doesn't she live with you?"

Joel releases a drawn out sigh, hands tightening on the steering wheel. "We had a... disagreement, about three years ago. She left for college a few months later, I ain't seen her since."

That's the short version. But Ellie has given him nothing but short versions, too, so he thinks that's fair.

"A disagreement."

"Yeah."

"About what?"

"I tell you that, are you gonna tell me what happened to your hand?"

Ellie stays quiet.

"I thought so. Let's just keep our histories to ourselves."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Ellie packs away the apple rings and Joel could kick himself. So much for trying to be kind.

Hey, Dad? Try harder.

Joel bites his lip, casting Ellie a sidelong glance. She's staring out of the window, one hand on her missing fingers. Joel thinks about what to say, or what to do, but then he remembers that just last week he finally got his radio fixed and with any luck his Pearl Jam record is still in there. His Ellie loves that one; maybe this Ellie does too. He decides to risk it and presses play.

He was right, thank God. It even starts out with one of his favorites.

If I ever were to—

Ellie's hand shoots out at an alarming speed, punching every button she can find, until the music's turned off. Poor Eddie didn't even get to finish the first verse.

"Alright," Joel says, more to himself than to Ellie, "not a fan of Pearl Jam, got it."

Ellie clenches her left hand into a fist, the right one working on her temple. "Fuck," she mutters, barely audible.

"You okay?"

Ellie ignores him, directing her gaze to the window. "Wait, stop here."

Joel pulls over and Ellie throws on her backpack, gets out of the car and starts searching through the grass by the road.

Joel follows her, a little befuddled as to what she's doing there. "Need help?" 

"I'm looking for something."

"I can see that. What for?"

"Something important, just… give me a second."

"Alright." Joel crosses his arms and leans back against his truck. It's pretty nice out here, this time of year, with the leaves starting to change their color and the cool fall wind rustling through the trees. He should take Halican for a walk out here. It's been too long since—

"Found it!"

Ellie crawls out of a bush, in her hand a—

Dear God, is that a revolver?

"You have an emotional attachment to a gun?"

"Shut up. Cabin's this way." Ellie tucks the revolver into the waistband of her jeans with a casualness that normal people would use to put their phone into their pockets.

Which says a lot about the world she comes from.

Joel follows her deeper into the woods until they reach a small cabin, which looks exactly like the kind of place fairytale witches would hide their kidnapped children in.

"You slept in here?"

"I slept in worse places."

Joel believes her.

They step inside and the carpenter in Joel wonders how this place is still standing. Rotten wood, moss growing up the walls, part of the ceiling is caved in...

"You usually sleep in places like this?"

"When I'm traveling? I'm lucky if I find a place like this." Ellie is kneeling on the floor, taking a look under the bed. "My stuff isn't here."

"Stuff?"

"Shotgun, Bolt-Action, bow, pistol—"

"Yeah, okay, I get it." Joel takes a few steps across the room, wood creaking under his feet. Wiping the window with the cuff of his jacket he takes a look outside. All looks... normal. "Hm."

"Hm what?"

"You're here."

"Yeah?"

"But you're weapons ain't."

"Which means either they got stolen or this didn't work."

"Do you feel... different?"

"Like, transported into another reality kind of different?"

"Yeah."

"No. Do you?"

Joel stares at Ellie, Ellie raises an eyebrow.

"I mean, you're in here, too. If this is a portal or whatever then you get transported with me. Ever thought of that, detective?"

He did not. "Christ."

"Indeed. So do you? Feel any different?"

"No." Thank God. He's not sure he's all that well suited for a zombie apocalypse.

Ellie sighs. "Me neither."

Joel puts one hand on his hip, rubbing the other over his face. "Alright, I got a different idea. You were alone when it happened, so I'm gonna go outside and you'll wait here and see if anything changes."

Ellie shrugs. "I don't have a better idea, so might as well try it..."

Joel walks the few steps to the door and is just about to set his foot outside.

"Joel, wait."

He turns around.

"If this works, then... we probably won't meet each other again. Ever. So..." Ellie fiddles with her hands, shifting her weight. "I'm just..." she trails off, letting out a frustrated sigh. "It was good to see you again. I mean meet you again. 'cause now l've met two of you. Both of you, and now I'm gonna go back to my world where-'' She breaks off clearing her throat. "Anyway. It was good, is all. Meeting you, seeing how the old world works. It was... cool."

Joel swallows hard, his hand tightening on the doorknob. "Yeah, it was... good to meet you too and I hope..." He sighs past the clump in his throat. "I hope things work out for you and... good luck."

Good luck? Come on, Dad, you can do better than that.

He clenches his jaw and turns away from Ellie. Her eyes burn a hole into his back, until he's closed the door and every step he takes away from that cabin feels like leaving parts of himself behind—like a trail of breadcrumbs, only no one will be there to pick up the pieces.

He waits, arms crossed over his chest, cabin still in sight.

He waits, heart pounding against his chest, and nothing happens. The forest lies still apart from the occasional call of a bird or a rustle of leaves, and Joel is about to turn around, get home to an empty house and a heavy heart, when he hears a noise coming from the cabin.

Ellie is sticking her head through the window, leaning on her forearms like she owns the place. "This shit's not working."

And the weight that lifts off of Joel's chest is so big that a breath of relief leaves him in a rush.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Needless to say, the drive home is decidedly strained. Joel's radio is playing on such a low volume that it does not, in fact, drown out the silence, but just makes it more obvious that no one's talking, which quite frankly makes the whole drive even more awkward.

Ellie presses her lips together, drumming her fingers on the door. She gives Joel a sidelong glance, but the man just stubbornly stares ahead. Granted, it would be a lot more concerning if he stared out of the window, considering he's driving the car, but everything about his body language screams I don't want to talk about the thing you want to talk about.

Which obviously means Ellie is going to talk about the thing.

"So...." she starts, doing Joel the courtesy of not looking at him, "am I correct in assuming I'm stuck here?"

Joel lets out a very resigned sigh. "Looks that way. For now, at least, until we figure something else out. "

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

If it weren't for the radio Ellie imagines she could hear crickets chirping, but even so the effect is the same.

"Cool."

Joel clears his throat, taps his thumb on the steering wheel. Even that is louder than the radio.

Ellie looks at Joel, accepts that he’s not going to say another word on the subject and subtly turns up the volume.

The silence doesn't get any less awkward when they arrive at the house.

They're in the kitchen. Joel is leaning back against the breakfast table, while Ellie is sitting on the counter. Halican doesn't seem to mind the tense silence at all. He's lying on his back, limbs akimbo, balls on display.

Ellie wishes she was capable of giving that little fucks.

But she's not.

"I could still look for some other place to hole up in, you know."

Joel frowns at her. "Why would you do that?"

"Because you didn't exactly sign up for this—my just showing up here and taking up your space and time. I'm just saying, I'd totally get it if you—"

"I ain't throwing you out."

"I know, I know, I'm just saying... I could work this out by myself. You don't have to... take care of me or whatever."

"Ellie.”

"Hm?"

"I'm not leaving you alone with this. And you're definitely not going to sleep in some shed or cave or whatever else you come up with."

Ellie feels an embarrassing amount of relief at his words. "Right, cool, okay."

Joel looks at her a moment longer as if to make sure she really believes him, then he pushes himself off the table and walks over to the fridge.

"Hungry?"

"Uh, not really." She's still trying to digest those apple rings. The ones in her Jackson are way better.

"Well, that's convenient, since we don't have anything to eat." Joel closes the fridge and looks at his watch. "And I can't go to the store because I need to be at work in half an hour."

"Work?"

"Yes, work."

"You didn't have to work yesterday."

"Yesterday was a Sunday."

"So?"

"So Sundays are off-days."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Huh. That's pretty neat. "I'm guessing you're a carpenter, too?"

"I was. Now I'm just driving to people's houses and repair things for them, and sell my own stuff. It's kinda a freelance thing." Joel is sorting through a shelf, pushing aside various jars filled with coffee beans, oats, and flour and stuff. "There's some cereals if you get hungry. Guess I'll bring some take out on my way home."

"I could go to the store."

"Nah, I'm gonna need the truck."

"So, I'll walk."

"You can't. That would take almost an hour one way. You ain't walking that far, definitely not with shopping bags.

"Joel, trust me, I've walked further than that with heavier bags. I'll survive."

Joel bites his lip, scratching the back of his head. "At least take my bike then.'

"Uh…"

"You might wanna check the tires, though, been a while since I've used it."

"Idon'tknowhowtorideabike."

"Pardon?"

Ellie lets out a breath, jumping off the counter. "I said I don't know how to ride a bike."

Joel to his credit tries not to look surprised. But fails. "Oh. Uh... You know what, forget the shopping. I'll go tomorrow, it's fine." He takes another look at his watch. "Christ, I gotta go. Text me if you need something."

"Text?"

"Or call." Joel puts his pockets, before picking the keys off the table.

"I don't... have a phone?"

He stops with his hand on the doorknob, shoulders dropping. "Right, course you don't." He sighs, one hand massaging his forehead. "It don't matter. I'll be back in a couple of hours, just don't set the house on fire."

"Joel, I'm twenty-one, not eight."

Joel frowns, looking to the side as if going over the calculations in his head. "Twenty-one, really? When did that happen?"

"Sometime over the course of the last twenty-one years, I guess."

"Well, damn..." He shakes his head,  snaps out of it. "Help yourself to any food you may find. I'll bring take out. See you later."

And then he's off. Ellie hears the car leaving the driveway and then she's all alone in the silence of Joel's house.

If it wasn't for Halican's snoring, that is. That dog snores like an old man.

"I bet you make a terrible guard dog."

He doesn't react, which says it all, really.

Ellie blows out a breath, shoving her hands in the pocket of her hoodie.

Now what?

She jumps when some asshole down the street roars his motorcycle (probably alerting every clicker in a ten mile radius) and Halican bolts upright, looking for all the world like it's 3 a.m. and somebody dumped a glass of water on him.

If he could talk, Ellie is pretty sure he'd say what the fuck.

"What a dick, right?"

Halican snorts an annoyed sigh—if dogs are even capable of being annoyed—and trots off into the sitting room.

Ellie follows him, because there's shit else to do.

He hops in Joel's chair, lays his chin on the armrest and promptly falls asleep again. And that's when Ellie decides that she's definitely going to be a dog in her next life.

But since Halican is clearly not going to entertain her, Ellie is going to have to find something else to kill the hours, until Joel comes back. Hands in her pocket, she strolls through the sitting room, skimming over the books and movies stacked in the shelves. She sees some familiar titles: Die Hard, Jurassic Park, Back to the future and, she notices with a twist of her heart, Curtis and Viper. All four of them.

Ellie stops then, biting on her lip, as the regret swells up in her. What she wouldn't give now to have that one movie night with him. Just the one night. Just Joel and her with a big bowl of popcorn between them, socked feet on the coffee table and all lights turned off.

Movie nights were Joel and Ellie nights, until they weren't. Now they're just precious memories, followed by a heap of regret at the thought of how many more of those memories she could have had if she hadn't pushed him away.

Ellie turns her back on the movie shelf only to come face to face with a picture of herself. She's young in that picture—maybe thirteen or fourteen—with a smile so big that Ellie has trouble recognizing herself.

She used to smile like that, a lifetime ago it feels like.

The Ellie in the picture is pointing both hands behind her and only then does Ellie realise why she's smiling so big. She's standing in front of an observatory, probably about to have the view of her life. Of course, that would get her smiling, alright.

Ellie traces her fingers over the picture, wistfully thinking of what could have been. But that thought bursts like a bubble when she sees her knuckles, scarred by years of fighting and killing next to that carefree face.

This is not her. Never was. Never will be, and Ellie is going to have to make her peace with  that.

She continues her stroll through Joel's sitting room. Last time she did that it was with Tommy waiting at the door, in her hands a box filled with a bunch of Joel's carvings. She swallows hard at the memory that feels like a dream here. It's dangerously tempting to pretend this is real, that nothing happened when the living proof is going to walk through the door in a couple of hours. Ellie makes the conscious effort to push that thought as far away as possible. It will bring her nothing but pain.

She turns away from the picture toward the coffee table and her eyes fall on one of these foldable computers—laptops she's pretty sure they're called.

Hm.

Things just got interesting.

A laptop means she has the entire internet at her disposal, the world wide web—a concept Joel was never quite able to explain to her. What was that word he used? Google? Yeah, that sounds right.

Ellie can google stuff.

She drops on the couch, pulling the laptop onto her lap (Ha! Is that where the name comes from?) She wishes Dina and Jesse could see this. They'd lose their shits.

Ellie opens the laptop and–

Aw, man.

Joel has a picture of Ellie and Tommy set as his wallpaper. 

Man, that's cute. 

They're sitting on camping chairs at a fire, Tommy is laughing at something, beer bottle in hand. Ellie is laughing, too, pointing at the camera like she only just noticed that Joel is taking a picture of them. Maria is in the background standing at Joel's car with a bucket and a bunch of fishing rods.

There's no gun lying around. No one is carrying a holster.

Simpler times. Or a simpler world rather.

Ellie pulls herself together and searches through the icons on the screen.

"Internet, internet, internet... "

There, Google Chrome, that's gotta be it. Now. What is she going to search for first? She doesn't have to think for long. Carefully, with her two forefingers she types in space.

245.000.000 results.

Ellie makes herself comfortable and clicks on the first link.

Joel

Joel savors the last sip of his coffee, absentmindedly bending his wrist back and forth. The damn bed Esther wanted him to fix was heavy, and if his back didn't hurt after the night on Ellie's mattress it certainly does now. As do his wrists.

He really is getting old, isn't he?

"Joel?"

He's startled out of his musings and lifts his gaze at Tess. "Yeah?"

she holds the coffee pot over Joel's mug, eyebrow lifted expectantly. "Want me to fill you up?"

"I'm good, thanks." He takes a look at his watch. "Gotta head home, anyway."

"You got someone waiting for you?"

"Uh, yeah, got a date with my dog in about thirty minutes. Can't miss that.”

Tess good naturedly rolls her eyes. "How's that beast of yours doing?"

"Fine. How's your frog?"

"You know damn well it's not a frog."

Joel does a half-hearted effort at hiding his grin grin. "It looks like a frog."

"It's a gecko, Joel, a gecko."

"I don't even know what that is." 

With a sigh Tess drops onto the bench opposite him. "I honestly don't know why I'm friends with you." She fills Joel's mug to the brim, adds four sugars and takes a generous sip. "Jesus Christ." She sets the mug down with a grimace. "I seriously don't know why you come this often. Stuff tastes like crap."

"I don't butcher my coffee with four sugars. It tastes just fine in its natural state."

"Sugar is the only thing that makes that brew bearable."

"Should that be reason for concern, considering it's your coffee shop?"

"People don't come for the coffee, Joel, they come for the waffles and the sandwiches."

Joel doesn't tell her that he doesn't really come for the coffee either (although it is a very welcome bonus) and neither have the waffles and the sandwiches anything to do with it.

The bell saves him from replying.

"Think you have a new customer there."

"My newly employed university student desperate for money can take care of that."

Joel takes a look over Tess's shoulder, but all he sees is a guy closer to his own age working the counter.

"Yep, you're looking right at him."

"Huh. Well, it's certainly admirable."

Tess smirks. "Thinking of a change in career?"

Joel snorts. "Definitely not." He barely finished high school, no way he was gonna go to university.

"Speaking of," Tess says, folding her arms on the table. "I get back pain just looking at you. What the hell did you do?"

Joel is suddenly very interested in the menu on the table he hasn't read in fifteen years. "Lifted something heavy."

Tess looks unimpressed. "You don't say. Who was so desperately in need of your services?"

Joel sighs. "Esther."

Tess's eyebrows shoot up in the most un-surprised way. "Really? What is that, the... fifth time this month?"

"I ain't exactly keeping count."

"I bet. Hell, I'd have trouble tracking those numbers, too. What'd she want?"

There aren't many occasions where Joel wishes he was a better liar, but this here is definitely one of them.

"She asked me to take a look at her bed. It was squeaking."

A slow grin spreads over Tess's face. "Did she ask you to lie on it to see where the problem is?"

"She did actually."He looks at Tess and very pointedly says. "I declined."

Tess puts her chin in her hand, giving him her best fake sweet smile. "You are adorable."

"And you're a pain in the ass."

"Hm. Imagine how she feels—going through all that trouble only for you to brush her off."

"Tess..."

"In all seriousness, Joel, I think you should ask her out."

"I don't want to."

"I think it'd be good for you."

"Tess. I'm not interested, and she definitely deserves better than a man who asks her out just because it'd be good for him."

This time when Tess smiles at him it looks a little sad. "Okay."

The bell rings a second time. There's the hello's and what can I do for you's. Joel looks out of the window because he can't stand to look at Tess's sad smile.

"Joel," she says gently. "I've heard from Ellie."

He swivels his head at her. Which one, he almost says. "When?" he asks instead, helpless to the hope in his voice. 

"She called me. Yesterday evening."

"Called?"

"Yeah. I was just as surprised as you. You know we text every now and then, but that girl never calls."

"So why did she? Is she okay?"

"She's fine, Joel. Better than fine. She competed in some science contest thing at her university and won first prize, so she calls to tell me she won a trip to the NASA Space Center in Houston. God, Joel, she sounded so excited on the phone it was like she was fourteen again."

Joel swallows hard, setting mouth into a firm line "That's great," he says and means it. Ellie cutting him out of her life hasn't stopped him from hoping that her dreams will come true. but knowing he won't be there to see it happen, well... It's a sore spot.

"Joel." Tess lays a hand on his arm, right next to his watch. "Joel, she asked about you.”

Joel's whole body tenses. "If this is your sick idea of a joke—"

"Jesus, Joel, no." She tightens her grip on his arm, pinning him with an intense but sympathetic gaze. "I've known that girl for almost ten years now and she has never called me. She used to call you all the time. Remember when you got her that phone for her thirteenth? She treasured that little thing like nothing else. Every time something happened at the orphanage—good or bad—she called you. Same thing later in school. How many times did we get interrupted at this very table because she just had to tell you about that thing that happened?"

"Tess—"

"Listen. You know what I think? I think she went on that trip to the Space Center—something she's talked your ears off for years, and the first person she wanted to tell was you. But she couldn't call you, so she called the next best thing."

"Tess, stop. You don't know that."

"Of course I know that. I've known Ellie for as long as you have—"

"Bullshit. You've known her longer than I have. Tommy and Maria have known her longer than I have because contrary to me they've been part of her life the past three years."

Tess's eyes are so full of pity that Joel can hardly stand it. "If only you could see yourself like I do."

He has no idea what she means and he doesn't care to find out. His heart hurts and he doesn't feel like collapsing in Tess's coffee shop. "I gotta go." He stands up, puts on his jacket and takes out his wallet. His fingers are trembling so hard he has trouble finding the right notes. Tess won't notice—he always leaves a generous tip anyway. He drops the money on the table.

Tess smiles softly when she sees just how much. "I don't take tips from you."

"Then give it to your university student." Joel steps past her, eager to get out of there, but Tess halts him with a call of his name.

"Joel."

He stops.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine." She's not nearly as sorry as he is.

He gets home forty minutes later, a bag of Chinese food in his hand, and sees Ellie sitting on the couch with his laptop.

"What are you doing with my laptop?"

Ellie doesn't even look up from the screen. "Did you know that sunsets on Mars are blue?"

Joel closes the door with his foot. "No, I did not know that." He puts the food on the table to greet Halican, then takes two forks and the food and sits down next to Ellie.

He takes the laptop out of her hand—

"Hey!"

—and replaces it with the fork and a box of noodles.

"Food. Fork. Eat."

"Hmpf. You're just like him."

"Like who?"

"My Joel. He used to force feed me all the time."

"Well," Joel says, putting his feet on the coffee table, "next time you stop by for a visit, bring him with you. sounds like we'd get along just fine." He watches out of the corner of his eyes for Ellie's reaction. She's staring off into space, holding the food and fork in her hands like she's forgotten they're there. Finally her gaze jumps at him, only for a second, enough to see a deep, deep hurt there, before she settles into the couch like nothing happened.

Joel lets her be. Seems like they both have pieces of their lives they don't want to talk about. How very unsurprising...

He grabs the remote, turns on the news and. digs into his noodles. "You're allowed to take a shower, you know."

"Is that your way of telling me I smell bad?"

"No, that's my way of telling you you're allowed to take a shower."

"Meh, I'll think about it."

Joel casts a sidelong glance at her. She's sitting cross legged, eyes glued to the screen, eating slowly like she's using all her concentration to listen to the news anchor.

Joel offers her the remote. "Do you wanna watch something else, or…"

Ellie's eyes jump from the remote to Joel and back to the remote again, then she hastily grabs it as if afraid he's going to take back his offer.

"That button changes the channel," is all Joel needs to say and then Ellie is zapping through programmes Joel didn't even know he had. They keep coming back to the news, though. Joel is not surprised that that's what grabbed Ellie's attention. Living in a zombie apocalypse with no phone and no internet must make it near impossible to know anything about other countries. Joel would probably be fascinated, too, but as it is the news stops being interesting after the first ten minutes. so he takes the noodle boxes to the trash (Ellie's is empty he notices with no small amount of satisfaction) and whistles for Halican.

"I'm gonna take Halican for a walk, be back in thirty minutes."

"Uh-huh."

Yeah, she didn't register a word of that.

He clips Halican on the leash and they're off, taking their familiar round. When they're outside of town Joel unclips him and the dog is off running despite his eight years.

"Show off."

His phone vibrates in his pocket. It's a text from Tess.

She asked how you're doing in case you were wondering. I told her you're doing good and she sounded relieved.

Just thought you should know.

Joel puts his phone away without answering, but it's heavy with the weight of all the thoughts and feelings he doesn’t want to admit to himself yet.

It's almost dark by the time he gets home. He gives Halican his food and water, and then takes a quick look into the sitting room. Ellie is still stuck to the TV, watching a documentary or something. He doesn't interrupt. Instead Joel heads to his room and opens the drawer to his nightstand. There's a letter there, sealed in an envelope, paper crinkled and softened from the dozens of times he’s held it in his hand, wondering if he should do something about it. In the nine months since he first held it he's never found the courage.

And neither does he today.

With clammy hands he lays it back in the drawer and flees from the room.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Ellie is halfway through her can of peaches when Joel comes down the next morning. He grunts a greeting at her and makes his way to the coffeemaker, painstakingly slowly, like he's trying to move his body as little as possible.

"You okay?"

"Peachy."

So that's a no then. "Alright. Someone got out on the wrong side of the bed today."

"Somethin' like that." Joel opens the cupboard and Ellie can see his eyes actually widening with a dawning realisation. He closes the cupboard with a resigned sack of his shoulders. "We're out of coffee..."

"Well, you wouldn't let me go to the store yesterday and now you're paying for it."

With a sigh Joel lays his head in his neck and comes shuffling over to the table where he drops into a chair, putting his chin in his hand.

Ellie continues her breakfast.

"Are you... eating peaches straight outta the can?"

She meets Joel's bemused eyes. "... yeah?"

Joel looks like he's doubting her sanity. "Why..."

"It's not like we have anything else. And besides, they've only been expired for six months, I mean—"

"Six months? Ellie, you can't eat food that's been expired that long."

"Of course, I can. Canned food never goes bad, I should know—I've eaten canned peaches that had been expired for, like, 20 years."

"Twenty years? How are you still alive?"

"Joel, expired food is not even in the top ten of things that can kill you in my world."

"Top Ten?"

"Oh yeah." Ellie counts down the list with her fingers. "Hunters, cannibals, wild animals, Infected, cults—"

She's interrupted by the ringing of Joel's phone. Rude. Though Joel looks rather relieved.

He lifts the phone to his ear. "Yes?"

Ellie catches only snippets of the conversation, something about roof, hole and leaking. She doesn't need to be a detective to figure out what that means.

"Yes, Mrs— Harriet, right. I'll be... it's no trouble at all. I'll be right there. With the dog, yes. Yes, bye."

"Who was that?"

"Mrs. Harriet Fletcher—old lady across town. Wants me to fix her roof."

"Maybe you should fix your back first."

Joel doesn't dignify that with a response other than a glare. He puts on his jacket and takes the leash of the hanger. Halican comes skidding around the corner as soon as he hears what Joel is doing.

"You coming?" Joel asks, putting a collar on Halican.

Ellie stops chewing. "Am I coming?"

"Unless you want to wait around in the house again for God knows how long."

Ellie does not want to wait around in the house for God knows how long. She rushes upstairs for her backpack and meets Joel and Halican at the car.

"You really don't have to bring your backpack everywhere you go."

"I don't like leaving my stuff behind."

"At least tell me your revolver ain't in there."

"Of course it's not."

It's tucked into her waistband, hidden by her shirt.

The drive through Jackson is short, and thank God for that. Ellie has claimed the window seat, not her brightest idea because now Halican is slobbering all over her in an attempt to stick his tongue out of the window.

"Your dog is drooling on me."

"Be glad that's all he's doing."

"Gross."

They stop at a red light and Ellie cranes her neck to see past Halican's dripping tongue, catching sight of a coffee shop.

"Hey, Joel, look at that. Tessa's. I bet they have coffee there."

Joel keeps his eyes very determinedly on the traffic light. "Hm? No, that's alright."

"Hang on, is that... Tess?"

"You know her?"

"Only for a day or two, but... yeah, I knew her." She's handing coffee out to people with a smile, wipes the counter, fixes her bandana. "Well, fuck me. We should stop by."

"I don't think so."

"Oh, come on, Joel, you—" Ellie breaks off when she looks at Joel, his fingers tapping nervously on the steering wheel. Is he... blushing? "Oh my God. You have a crush."

"Please don't call it that."

Ellie grins. "I always did wonder about you two. Glad to finally know for sure."

"Ellie."

"We're stopping by. No argument."

Joel accepts his fate, and when the light turns green, pulls over at Tessa's.

"Does that mean her name is actually Tessa?" Ellie asks, watching Tess from the parking lot.

"No, it's Tess. Tessa's just sounds better than Tess's."

"Huh. Gotta say, I'd never have pictured her running a coffee shop."

"She didn't always. Used to be a war journalist until she got shot abroad."

"Oh. Yeah, that sounds a lot more like her."

Ellie waits for Joel to get out of the car, but he just sits there, biting his lip as he does when he's nervous. "Are you going in, or..."

Joel takes a breath. "I guess."

"It's okay to be nervous, you know. No judgment."

"Ellie, I've known Tess for twenty years, I'm way past nervous. Things just didn't exactly end well last time I stopped by."

"Oh? What happened?"

Joel doesn't react. He grabs his wallet and leaves the car.

"Ask for her number!" Ellie calls. That's what people in this world do, right?

"I already have her number," Joel says and slams the door.

That man and his talent for not answering questions...

Tess greets him with a smile. At least she doesn't appear to be holding a grudge. Ellie can't see Joel's face, but she sees how he hooks his thumb into his belt like he does when he doesn't know where to put his hands. They talk (longer than it takes to order a coffee) and a few minutes later, Joel comes back with a paper cup and a plastic bag.

He drops the bag in her lap and starts the engine. "There's sandwiches in there."

Ellie doesn't give a shit about the sandwiches. "How did it go?"

"Fine."

And then Halican tries to eat the sandwiches, sparing Joel from any more questions.

Joel has barely pulled into the driveway when the door to the house opens and two black kids, between the ages of seven and ten come running out.

"Someone's excited to see you."

"They're excited to see Halican."

Sure enough, as soon as the dog hears the kids, he stomps over Ellie in an attempt to reach the door, slapping his tail in Ellie's face.

Ellie splutters, swatting at Halican's butt. "Fucking— Joel, get your dog under control!"

"Just— open the door."

Ellie searches for the door handle and then Halican is jumping out, off to greet the boys.

Just as Ellie and Joel exit the car, the door opens a second time and an old lady steps out, wearing a bright yellow dress under an apron, a warm smile and an energy that screams comfort.

"Joel," she calls out, so obviously and genuinely happy to see him that Ellie can't help but smile. "It's so good to see you."

"Mrs Fletcher."

"Oh, stop it with the Mrs. How many times do I need to tell you to call me Harriet?" She obviously doesn't expect an answer because her attention is on Ellie. "And who have you brought with you?"

"This is Ellie, my, uh..."

"Oh, you've brought your daughter?"

Daughter?

Harriet's smile widens even further. "Oh, it's lovely to finally meet you." She takes both of Ellie's hands in hers looking at her like she's a long lost granddaughter and not some stranger she just met for the first time. "Welcome."

Ellie has no idea what's happening, but all of a sudden she feels like crying.

"Come on in, you two. Boys, won't you say hello to Joel and Ellie?"

The kids look up from their playing with Halican just long enough to send a quick wave and a hello over.

"Oh, those boys have no manners at all."

"It's alright." Joel waves her off. "Where's that hole you were talking about?"

"It's the garage behind the house," Harriet says, gesturing them to follow her. "You remember that terrible storm last week? It knocked a few branches onto the roof and those metal sheets can only hold so much. We only noticed the hole yesterday when we went in there to get the bikes for the kids out. Rick wanted to repair it himself, but I don't want him climbing those ladders anymore. A man his age..."

"How old are you two?" Ellie asks.

"I'm seventy-four, my husband is seventy-six."

Damn. That is old. Ellie only knows a handful of people who've made it that far, yet here Harriet is giving Ellie the impression that she's going to live 20 more years. What is a novelty in her world seems to be the norm here.

"If he falls off that ladder there's a good chance he won't get up again, so I called your father first thing in the morning."

Ellie swallows.

Father and Daughter.

Is that what this Joel and his Ellie are to each other?

"Rick!" Harriet calls out when they reach the garage. "Joel is here and he finally brought Ellie with him."

An old man wearing an oil and paint stained overall comes out of the garage. His black hair and beard are sprinkled with gray and his smile is just as warm as his wife's. He wipes his hands on a rag, greets first Joel with a firm handshake, then Ellie. "Good to meet you," he says in a rough but comforting voice. He must be great at reading bedtime stories.

Harriet steps forward, hands on her hips. "Rick Fletcher, if you've been trying to climb that ladder—"

"Not at all, I was just tinkering at the car," he says with an innocent smile and a wink at Ellie.

Harriet doesn't seem fooled for a second. "Why don't you make yourself useful and show Joel where the problem is, and I'll take Ellie here inside."

Ellie gets the feeling that Harriet is not a woman to be argued with, so she follows without complaint. She steps into the kitchen after Harriet and immediately the smell of freshly baked bread wafts over her.

"Something smells good."

"Oh, I was just in the middle of making a plum pie or two—the boys love them."

"Your grandchildren?"

"And our pride and joy."

The way she says it... Ellie believes her.

Harriet takes an apron of the chair and holds it out to Ellie. "Come on, wash your hands and help me with this dough."

Ellie hesitantly takes the apron. "Uhm... I'm not really much of a baker..."

"Well, then it's time you learn, or how else are you going to bake a pie for your kids?"

The question isn't meant to hurt, but it does. Ellie's lungs feel like they're shrinking in size and her heart wilts just a bit further. She hasn't let herself think about Dina and JJ since she got here, but She does now, and it hurts. She misses JJ's soft giggle, his weight on her hip and his tiny hand in hers. She misses Dina's presence, her voice, her touch, her smell; longs for the way she stopped the world from closing in on her after Joel's death, how she made it all just a little bit easier to bear. More than anything right now, Ellie wants to hold her family in her arms. But she can't. And it opens another hole in her chest that can't be filled.

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Harriet asks. "Scrub your hands and strew some flour on the table."

Right. Ellie is going to put whatever is left of her heart and soul into that pie and it's going to be the best fucking pie anyone has ever laid eyes on.

Ellie revises that thought twenty minutes later when she's buried wrist deep in a sticky flour milk mix. Yeast dough, as it turns out, is one tricky son of a bitch. And those are Harriet's words, not Ellie's. The old lady hasn't left her side so far, not even batting an eyelash at Ellie's scarred hands and missing fingers. Ellie is grateful—she doesn't feel like talking.

Harriet is looking over her shoulder, watching as Ellie butchers what was supposed to be a perfect pie. "Now that is a perfect yeast dough. Just dry enough to not stick to your fingers anymore."

Ellie is pretty sure she only says that to make her feel better.

"Now put it on a baking sheet and roll it out, but not too thin or the juice of the plums will seep through."

It's another twenty minutes until the pie is in the oven. Ellie is drying her hands, looking through the window at Joel and Rick working on the metal roof. Joel is standing on a ladder, while Rick is on the ground handing him one of those metal sheets. He says something that Ellie can't hear, but it makes Joel chuckle, and that makes Ellie smile. She's glad this Joel has people in his life that care about him. She's glad he's not alone.

"He's a good man, your Dad." Harriet steps next to her.

"He's..." not my Dad. And I'm not who you think I am. "Well, he's got a knack for fixing stuff, that's for sure."

"Oh, he has a gift. It's a true blessing we have him."

"How did you meet?"

"Must be fifteen or so years ago now. We needed someone who could fix our porch and he needed work. For about a month he came over every day, worked for hours without a break, barely said a word." Harriet sighs heavily. "There was just something very sad about him. He never told me, of course. I only found out six years ago." Harriet falls quiet, one hand on her chest, as if that memory made her heart hurt.

"What happened six years ago?"

"Our daughter and her husband died in a shooting. They were both doctors at a medical conference and some lunatic decided to shoot the place up. Thirty-two people died that day. We were made childless parents and our grandkids became orphans. If it hadn't been for the boys, well... I don't know where my Rick and I would be today."

"I'm... really sorry to hear that."

And here Ellie thought people only get shot in her world.

Harriet sends a sad smile her way. "You're probably wondering what this has to do with Joel."

"Well..."

"When I looked into the mirror six years ago, I saw the same grief and anger in my eyes that had taken over his face. That's when I knew."

"Oh..." Of course. Sarah. Christ, how had Ellie not thought of her earlier?

"And believe me when I tell you I watched the life return to his eyes when he met you."

When he met the other Ellie.

Ellie looks to the window again, avoiding Harriet's eyes. She  shouldn't have come, posing as Joel's daughter and lying to those wonderful people. She sees Halican racing across the lawn, the boys running after him. Rick follows a second later, admirably fast for a man his age.

"Oh dear. Looks like the neighbor's cat is about. Rick never runs unless that cat's life is at stage. I best get on out there." Harriet pats Ellie on the shoulder and leaves her alone in the kitchen.

Joel is still working on the roof and Ellie notices that Rick has left the box of screws on the ground. She hurries outside just as Joel prepares to climb off the ladder.

"Wait, I got it."

Joel lifts his head, relieved. "The screws, could you—"

"Yep."

"Only need two more."

She gives him the screws and Joel drills them into the roof.

"That should hold," he says and comes climbing down the ladder with a grimace and a repressed groan.

"Jeez, and here I thought they hired a young man."

"I'm fifty-seven, Ellie. A long way from young."

"Don't fall. Old people's bones take ages to heal, you know."

Joel plants both his feet firmly on the ground, giving Ellie a pointed look.

"Congrats," she says drily.

Joel takes screws and drill driver and disappears into the garage. He steps out, taking a look around. "Where is everybody?"

"Uh, I think Halican is trying to eat the neighbor's cat and everybody is trying to stop that from happening."

"Oh, great."

"Should we go look for them or...?"

As if on cue Halican comes running around the corner, barking happily as if trying to say, 'you guys, you won't believe what just happened.'

"Well, there's no blood around his mouth, so that's good, right?"

"Uhm—" And then Joel is almost knocked off his feet by Halican jumping up at him.

The boys are next, each pulling a grandparent along. The smallest boy pumps a fist in victory.

"We saved the cat!"

Ellie grins at Joel. "I like them."

They end up taking half the pie with them, but that's alright, because Harriet has made two.

And it's a pretty good pie, so it's not like Ellie was gonna fight her on it.

She's gazing out of the window of the car (this time without Halican drooling all over her, because he's passed out next to her) munching on her piece of pie.

"Uh, Joel?"

"Hm?"

"I think you just missed our turn."

"We're not going home."

Ellie raises both eyebrows at him. "We're not?"

"Nope, I wanna show you something."

"Show me what?"

The corner of Joel's mouth quirks up into a secretive smile. "A good view."

Joel has parked the car in a big ass field surrounded by mountains, with a string of buildings at the far end that could be anything from a small neighborhood to a big factory.

Ellie is sitting next to him in the bed of the truck, waiting for the penny to drop. "Not to hurt your feelings or anything, but as far as views go, I've had better ones."

That secretive smile returns to his lips. "Just wait. You'll see.'"

Ellie sighs, a little exasperated. "Alright."

The view could be worse, though. Now, with the day slowly turning toward evening the sunlight has that golden shine, that makes everything look gentler somehow. The wind sweeps through the grass—it ripples like waves; it rustles and whispers. It reminds Ellie of home a bit. Of the farm. And if Ellie closes her eyes she can almost hear Dina's voice. But they're not loving words. All Ellie hears is Prove it. Stay. I'm not gonna do this again, and she chases the image from her mind, taking a shaky breath. She feels Joel's worried eyes on her.

"You alright?"

She sends him a quick smile, that cuts into her cheeks. "Yeah," she breathes. Her voice won't allow her more than that. Ellie wipes a finger under her nose, looks out into the field, if only to avoid Joel's worried eyes. "Hey, where'd Halican run off to?"

As if he heard his name, Halican pokes his head out of the grass, in his mouth a tennis ball, and comes hopping over to them. Joel sighs like this has happened a hundred times before, but stretches his hand out for Halican to drop the ball in it. Joel throws it and Halican is off like a shot, jumping through the grass.

"For a dog his age he sure runs fast," Joel says.

"How old is he?"

"Eight."

"That's like fifty-something in human years, right? Damn, you two are the same age."

"Good luck trying to find me chasing after a ball like that."

"If, say, I threw a bag of coffee beans..."

"I'd go to the store and buy a new one."

Ellie sighs. "Your world is honestly so boring."

Halican comes back, this time stopping in front of Ellie. She pauses, raising an eyebrow at him. "Really?"

Halican tilts his head and sits down, but his eyes never leave Ellie.

"Oh, fine." Ellie lets him drop the ball in her hand, not prepared for the amount of dog drool on it. "Yikes." She throws it, if only to get it out of her hand, and then she wipes her hand on Joel's jacket. "Gross."

"How old are you..."

"Your dog, your drool."

Halican comes back a second time, stopping in front of Joel again.

"See? He agrees."

Joel throws the ball, Ellie watches it sail through the air.

"You know, I'm still waiting for—"

Just then she's interrupted by a loud roaring, like that of a huge engine and a moment later she sees something rising from the buildings in the distance.

Joel gently elbows her in the side. "There it is."

It takes Ellie a moment to register what she's seeing right now.

It's a plane, rising into the air.

She blinks, mouth gaping open. "Holy shit, it's huge." And it's coming right toward them. Ellie cranes her neck as the plane flies over them. It's so close and it's loud and it's awesome. Ellie feels the grin splitting her face. "Holy shit, Joel."

He smiles at her. "Still think this ain't a good view?"

She stares after the plane as it gains height, flying farther and farther away from her. "Think of the view the pilot must have right now. "

"Well, I don't know about the pilot, but from a passenger's side. I know the view is... one of a kind."

Ellie swivels her head at Joel, staring at him. "You've been on a plane?"

"Once, yeah. Or twice, really. There and back again. Tommy, Sarah, and I once flew to Costa Rica."

"What was it like?"

"Other than damn expensive? Nothing quite like taking off in a plane. Feels a bit like taking the elevator, only... more intense."

Ellie doesn't tell him that she's never been in a working elevator before, and probably never will. She also doesn't tell him that she has no idea what Costa Rica looks like, though it sounds like some place warm. Ellie stares after the plane, wonders about the people on it. Do they know how lucky they are?

"Where do you think it's going?" she asks, when the plane is nothing more than a spot in the sky.

"I don't know. But my Ellie always thought it was flying to California."

Ellie almost scoffs. Fucking California. Why does everyone always want to go to California?

"She had this friend at the orphanage, Riley, and the two of them used to come here, to see the planes. They had this dream of... surfing in L.A."

Oh.

Suddenly Ellie feels very cold. "Did they ever make it?"

For a while Joel says nothing, doesn't even look at her. He's looking at the disappearing spot in the sky, a troubled frown on his face. "No. No they didn't. Riley died a few years ago. Drug overdose. "

Ellie closes her eyes, turning her head away.

How many people have to die, until Ellie stops feeling the drop of stomach at the news, the seizing of her chest, the shrinking of her lungs.

Riley.

God, no.

"Fuck." Ellie wants to scream, wants to rage and shout, but her voice is brittle and her throat is dry. "Fuck."

"You knew her?" Joel asks gently.

"Knew, yeah. She's dead." Along with so many others she couldn't save.

"I'm sorry."

Ellie breathes out. "It's not your fault." It's mine.

Joel gazes out into the distance, squinting against the sun. One hand is on his watch. "I ain't so sure."

When Joel doesn't elaborate (because of course he doesn't) Ellie asks, "how do you mean?"

Joel takes his wallet from his jacket and pulls out a small polaroid picture he hands to Ellie.

It's a picture of him and his Ellie. Ellie has one arm around Joel's shoulder, which looks comical considering he's so much taller than her, her other hand is flipping a reverse peace sign at the camera. She's grinning from ear to ear, sticking her tongue past her teeth. Joel has his arms crossed over his chest, looking down at Ellie with an expression she can only describe as fond.

The photo is captioned August 2033, about the same time she met her Joel in her world.

"That was the day of the adoption. Tommy took that photo after we signed the papers. He was the only one who showed up in a suit, the idiot. Refused to let anyone else have the camera 'cause he didn't wanna show up in any picture dressed like—"

"Adoption."

Joel clears his throat. "Yeah. That's why the Fletchers called you my daughter."

The picture in Ellie's hand is trembling. She can't take her eyes off it. "When did you meet her?"

"About ten years ago. Adopted her two years later."

Ten years. Ellie only knew her Joel for five. Five years is nothing compared to the lifetime she has still ahead of herself. It's little more than a moment—gone before she could fully appreciate its worth.

What will be left of Joel in fifty years? Will he just be somebody she once knew? Just a passing someone lost in a sea of memories?

Ellie looks at that picture of the other Ellie with this Joel and is taken over by an overwhelming feeling of... jealousy. Ten years. And they could make it thirty more if they weren't so hung up on this disagreement

If they didn't make the exact same mistake Ellie has made.

"Joel." Ellie lowers the picture. Her voice sounds rough. "What happened between you two?"

Joel holds her gaze and Ellie thinks he must have expected that question, because he nods ever so slightly as if steeling himself for what he's about to tell her. "Riley went missing a few months after I adopted Ellie. Ellie wasn't worried at first; they used to do that all the time—sneaking out, running off... She was so convinced that Riley would somehow... let her know what she was doing, that she would just show up again in a few days with one hell of a story to tell and they'd laugh it off. But she didn't. Riley was missing for almost a year, until a night guard found her in a mall in Boston, with so much heroin in her blood that it was ruled a suicide."

This is where Joel stops—whether for his own sake or her's, Ellie doesn't know, but she needs this moment to breathe. The picture is clenched tight in her hand.

"That doesn't explain why your Ellie doesn't talk to you anymore."

Joel fiddles with his watch, rubbing his thumb back and forth over the glass. He's staring at it like he's trying to find the courage to say his next words. Then finally he looks at Ellie. "Ellie doesn't talk to me anymore because I didn't tell her about Riley's death."

Ellie stares at Joel as the pieces start to click into place. "Jesus Christ, Joel. Why the hell not?"

"Because I knew Ellie would blame herself for her death. When the whole adoption process started Riley grew more and more distant. She never wanted to meet me, barely met up with Ellie and never visited when Ellie moved in with me. She probably thought Ellie had left her behind, that I took her away from her. That's why she ran away. And it took Ellie that entire year to even begin to accept that she wasn't coming back and just when I thought she could finally move on, I get a call from Marlene that Riley is dead. I didn't tell Ellie, because I know what loss does to a person and I couldn't let that happen to her. I thought not knowing and telling yourself she's fine was better than knowing she killed herself."

Now, what the hell is Ellie supposed to do with that...

The thing is, she gets it—this fierce need to do absolutely anything in your power to protect the ones you love. It took her a while to see Joel's act (her Joel's) as the act of love it was. And the reason it took her so long was because she didn't want to see it, and Ellie bets what's left of her left hand that the other Ellie is going through the exact same thing.

"What a fucking mess."

"Yeah."

"How did she find out? About her death?"

"Marlene came by once, when I wasn't there and... apparently it came up in the conversation."

Shit. What a shitty way to find out.

Ellie stares out into the distance, watching as the sun steadily creeps closer to the horizon and suddenly she just feels very tired.

"She's not running from you," she tells Joel, "she's running from her guilt."

Joel looks at her and Ellie is not sure if he wants to believe her or not. "I'm not sure that's better."

And then he reaches behind him for the leash and hops off the truck. "Halican!"

Looks like their conversation is over, but Ellie has one last question.

"Hey Joel?"

"What."

"Why did you take me to the Fletchers today?"

Joel turns to look at her and with Ellie still sitting in the truck he stands a little lower than her. Maybe that's why he looks so vulnerable in that moment—having to look up for once.

"Because they're the kindest people I know," he tells her, "and I thought you could use a little kindness."

In that moment, another engine roars to life and the plane follows a moment later, soaring into the sky.

But Ellie wants to be right here, in this moment, not up in the clouds.

"Thanks," she says so quietly she doubts Joel even heard her, but he smiles at her—one of his tiny, barely there smiles and says:

"You know... I could teach you how to ride a bike. If you're up for it."

Ellie matches his smile. "Okay."

Chapter Text

Joel

"Really? That's your bike?"

Joel takes a look at his bicycle trying to find what has Ellie so offended. It's got the usual two (recently pumped up) tires, it's colored a simple black and gray, doesn't have a basket at the front...

"What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing at all. I just thought you'd have one of those old people bikes where the frame is really low, so you don't have to swing your leg over the saddle."

"Believe it or not, Ellie, I wasn't born an old man. I bought this thing fifteen years ago and haven't used it in ten. Surprised it hasn't fallen apart."

Ellie smirks. "Maybe you should take it for a test drive, just to be sure. Before it's used by an inexperienced rider such as myself."

"You just want to see me ride this thing, don't you?"

"I kinda do, yeah."

Joel sighs, but he can't really deny her that, can he?

He's relieved when his leg makes it over the saddle on the first try and he doesn't run anything over while he makes it down the driveway.

Seems like there's indeed some truth behind that saying.

He rides a bit down the street, checking if the brakes still work (they do) and if the tires have any holes (they don't) and comes back, rolling to a stop in front of Ellie.

"Happy?"

"Very."

"Then it's your turn. C'mon."

"Oh boy."

Ellie steps up to the bike while Joel takes hold of the steering handle and the saddle bar.

"I'll hold it, you get on."

"Okay."

Ellie makes it on the bike a little unsteadily, gripping the handle like a vice and feet searching for the pedals.

"Uh, I think the saddle is too high."

"Can you touch the ground with your toes?"

"Yeah?"

"Then it's not too high."

"You sure about that?"

"This ain't my first time teaching to ride a

bike."

"Oh yeah?" Ellie says, but seems more concentrated on not falling over than listening to him. "Who else was lucky enough to catch a lesson from you?"

"Sarah and Tommy."

That gets her attention. She turns her head at him, searching his eyes, but doesn't say anything.

"In that order, in case you were wondering."

She snorts. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me."

Joel can't bring himself to smile, he's glad Ellie is looking the other way. She didn't ask him about Sarah and he doesn't know what to make of that, but now is not the time to ask - he's got a lesson to teach.

"On the left is your front wheel brake, this handle right here. Right is your rear wheel brake."

"Left, front. Right, rear. Got it."

"Most of the time you're gonna want to use your rear brake, or both at the same time. Use the front brake and depending on the speed you're going and how hard you brake you're just gonna fall on your face."

"Rear brake or both. Right."

"Good. You ready?"

"Totally."

"Let's give it a go then."

And give it a go she does. Ellie puts her weight into the pedals and the bike gets rolling. So far so good.

"Keep the steering steady," Joel says, jogging along with her

Ellie's eyes are fixed on the road, hands gripping the handle like her life depends on it. "Hoooly crap."

"You're doing good. Try going a little faster, it'll be easier to stay balanced."

Ellie does as she's told. She goes faster. And faster. Too fast for Joel to jog along, so he stays behind.

"Just like that!" he calls.

"I think I'm getting the hang of this!" Ellie keeps on going faster and faster, a little too fast for Joel's taste, right toward the crossroads.

"Ellie, brake!"

She doesn't react.

"Brake, Ellie, brake!" he calls again, breaking into a run, knowing full well he won't reach her in time.

But just before Joel gets a heart attack. Ellie hits the brakes and the bike goes from way too fast to a sudden stop and Ellie flies out of the saddle with whelp.

"Jesus Christ." Joel runs faster toward the bush she's fallen into, one hand searching for his phone in case she's broken something. Or worse, god forbid. "Ellie?"

Her hand is the first thing he sees. "I'm okay," she says and then the rest of her appears, plucking leaves and twigs from her hair. "I used the wrong brake."

Joel releases two minutes of held in breath in a single sigh. "Yes, I saw that."

Ellie blows a strand of hair out of her face. "Let's go again."

Joel drags a hand over his face. What has he gotten himself into...

Later that evening, after Joel had finally gotten Ellie to leave that bike alone, she's sitting on the couch glued to the TV, while Joel is sitting in his armchair, doing some research on his laptop. At least he's trying to. The print is awful small and his reading glasses are upstairs in his nightstand, plus he still hasn't found the right time to tell Ellie that she's been sleeping in the wrong room, and his back is cruelly complaining about it, so he doesn't really fancy getting out of his chair.

So. Squinting and guessing the words it is.

"Alright, you've won."

Joel looks up at Ellie. "Beg your pardon?"

"The squinting contest. I've been doing it for the past five minutes and now I have a headache. Meanwhile you've been squinting at your laptop for, like, the past half hour and you're still going strong. So. Congratulations, you've won."

If Joel didn't have a headache from all the squinting he'd roll his eyes. "You're hilarious."

"I know. But please, for the love of god, put on some reading glasses before we both get an aneurysm."

"God help me," Joel mutters, but Ellie is right. About the reading glasses, not the aneurysm. Hopefully. Joel sets his laptop on the coffee table and then puts his hands on the armrests, preparing to heave himself out of his chair, but Ellie saves him from the back pain.

"Jesus, Joel, just tell me where they are, before you break your back."

With a relieved sigh, Joel sinks back into his chair (not that he's made it very far.) "In my room. First drawer of my nightstand."

Ellie positively glides off the couch and up the stairs (although Joel's judgement may be a bit screwed) and reaches the room in half the time it would have taken Joel to get out of his chair.

For a moment it's silent. Then there's a single drawn out, slightly panicked, "Joooel?"

Jesus, what could she possibly have found that made her sound like that?

"Yeah?"

Instead of giving an answer, Ellie pounds down the stairs and skids into the sitting room.

"Aren't you a little too... you to have glowing stars sticking to your ceiling?"

"What are you– " Realization hits him. "0h. "

"Please tell me this isn't what I think it is."

Joel clears his throat. "If you're wondering whether you've been sleeping in the wrong room–"

"Oh my God."

"Look, it's not a big deal, I just haven't found the right time to tell you."

"This doesn't require a right time, it requires a quick, Hey Ellie, get the fuck outta my bed."

"Alright, maybe I didn't have the heart to tell you."

"Oh my God. You have got to be the biggest idiot on this planet."

"I'm not the one who's been sleeping in the wrong room."

"You're also not the one who got thrown into another world."

Fair point.

"Fucking hell..." Ellie turns on her heels and heads upstairs.

"What are you doing?"

"Moving my stuff!"

Stuff that Joel knows consists of exactly one backpack, but he's wise enough to keep that to himself.

She comes back a minute later, tossing him his reading glasses (Joel is pretty sure she was aiming for his face) and drops on the couch, pulling her knees to her chest.

"Finished moving?" Joel asks, putting on his reading glasses. He can't help the little smirk that pulls at his lips.

"You're an idiot and you've got the saddest fucking bedroom I've ever seen."

Joel snorts, sees Ellie fighting a smile. He gets his laptop, pushes his glasses up with his forefinger.

Ah, yes. Much better.

It's several hours and a crick in his neck later when Joel looks up from his laptop, having gotten exactly nowhere. Or at least nowhere that's making any sense.

Maybe that's the crux of the problem – none of this does make any sense, does it? Maybe instead of looking for the most logical conclusion, he should look for the least illogical one. Yeah, that sounds smart.

Joel goes through his recent search results again, clicking on the one that sounded the least like humanity was going nuts.

Just then his phone lights up with a text.

How is my favorite brother doing this fine evening? - T

Ah christ, just what he needs.

How drunk are you? - J

Only moderately. Ellie brought over her friends and for some reason the evening ended in drinking games. - T

Joel blinks, reads that text again.

You're playing drinking games with Ellie and her friends? - J

Joel is not jealous. Nope, not at all.

Yeah. I wasn't going to at first, but they kept begging and begging until I finally gave in. - T

Joel scoffs. No, they didn't. - J

No, they didn't. Maria is out of town for the weekend and Ellie took pity on a lonely old man. - T

Joel snorts. That I believe. - J

Alright asshole, on a scale of lonely old man to drunk texting your brother, how pathetic is your evening going? - T

I'm stuck in my armchair because my back is behaving like that of an eighty year old man. - J

Two minutes pass without an answer from Tommy which means either he's fallen asleep or he's laughing his ass off. Joel guesses it's the latter.

He's right.

Not gonna lie, I've almost pissed myself laughing. - T

Might be a sign to lay off the liquor. - J

Might be. For real though, how's it going with your... situation? -T

My situation is still here and we haven't gotten any closer to figuring out how to get her back. But we've ruled out time travel. - J

There's another pause and Joel pictures a dumbstruck Tommy, thumbs hovering over his phone with absolutely no idea what to say to that.

Finally, an answer comes:

You know, I thought I was prepared for this conversation, but turns out I'm not. You still don't think it's twins,  which would be the logical conclusion to come to? -T

It's not twins, Tommy. - J

Joel takes a look at his laptop and gives himself a moment to think, yes, apparently he has become that person, before sending off a text to Tommy.

I actually believe she's from a parallel universe. -J

After all a world conceived of coexisting with and having certain similarities to the known world but different from it in some fundamental way sounds about right, doesn't it?

You gotta be shittin me. - T

Thank you for your invaluable contribution. - J

You know what, I'm too drunk and it's too late for this. I'm turning in. -T

That's the first sensible thing I've heard from you today. - J

Says the man who honest to God just suggested parallel universes. -T

Why are you still up, anyway? - T

Stuck in my armchair, remember? - J

Joel waits for longer than two minutes this time but no answer comes. He huffs a laugh and sends one final text to Tommy.

I hope you've reached the bathroom in time. J

Tommy had a point, though. It is late and back pain or no, he's gonna have to make it out of his chair at some point. Plus, now that their little misunderstanding is cleared up, Joel has his own bed to look forward to and that serves as a sufficient enough motivator to get himself out of his chair.

And that's when he notices that Ellie is still lying on the couch and hasn't said a word in ages. Upon closer inspection it turns out that she's fast asleep, with Halican curled up at her feet.

Well.

Now what.

Joel looks down on her sleeping figure, hooks his thumb into his belt. He sighs softly. "What am I gonna do with you?"

She looks so fragile, lying on the couch like that with her legs pulled up and head pillowed on her arm. That pained frown has disappeared – now she just looks peaceful, like everything is right with her world.

It tears at Joel's heart, seeing her peaceful face. It makes him think of all the terrible things that must have happened to her to make it disappear in the first place and why no one was there to shield her from it. And it makes him wonder about his other version, about her Joel.

Wasn't he there? Wasn't she his to protect?

Joel looks at Ellie's peaceful face and makes a promise to himself (and to her) that he's going to try his hardest to make sure it stays there, for as long as she's here and beyond that.

It's Ellie, after all... He can't not love her.

Carefully, he covers her with a blanket, making sure her feet and shoulders are tucked in. Ten years ago he'd have carried her to bed, but they're both a little too old for that, and Joel really doesn't want to wake her up. He tucks a stray strand of hair behind her ear, gives Halican a quick scratch.

"Watch over her, will you."

The dog blinks sleepily at him, lays his chin on Ellie's foot.

"Good boy."

Joel makes his way into his bedroom and lies down, staring at the ceiling.

He kinda misses the glowing stars.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Now that Ellie knows how to ride a bike, Jackson has gotten a whole lot bigger and Joel has gotten a whole lot less reluctant to let her do the shopping.

"One condition," he'd said, "you put on a helmet."

"You got it." Ellie had said and she'd kept her promise right until she'd rounded a corner and left Joel's line of sight (who'd been standing at the window like the overprotective drama queen he is.) As soon as he couldn't see her anymore, she'd taken it off and stuffed it into her backpack.

Honestly, like a ride to the store is gonna kill her.

She reaches the parking lot, taking a look around. There's only three cars there, which is a relief. The fewer people, the less the revolver at her back is gonna tickle her.

Ellie leans her bike against the storefront, searching her pocket for the shopping list Joel gave her.

It reads:

Milk

Bread

Butter

Orange juice

Coffee!!! (which he has underlined three times.)

Canned peaches

Dried apple rings

Jerky

Honestly, Ellie was kind of hoping to step away from all the canned and dried food, but sure... who is she to deny Joel his apple rings... The ones from the gas station sucked, though, she hopes they got decent ones here.

Ellie releases a breath, gripping the straps of her backpack.

Right then. Time to get on in there.

She steps up to the entrance, the sliding doors automatically opening up to her (fancy, that) and she steps inside.

It's a small store, thankfully. From where she's standing, Ellie can see all the way to the other end, as well  as the heads of the three other customers, passing through the aisles. One white haired old lady, one bald guy and a woman with her son. Who she doesn't see is a cashier, but she suspects they'll show up soon enough.

Ellie systematically works herself through the shelves, grabbing the items on Joel's list. She puts a bag of coffee beans in her backpack, about to move on to the canned peaches, but then she sees those three exclamation marks and underlinings and promptly adds two more bags.

God forbid Joel runs out of coffee.

Ellie finishes the last items on the list quickly. The whole thing took her twenty minutes tops. Not bad for a first time shopper. As a treat Ellie grabs the sweetest looking candy she can find, feeling pretty pleased with herself.

She walks up to the checkout, putting everything on the counter and fumbles for Joel's wallet. Distantly, She notices the cashier stepping behind the counter and scanning her items, but Ellie is so focused on the wallet that she doesn't even look up. She's staring at the two pictures tucked in the wallet. One is the one Joel showed her of him and his Ellie, the other one is of him and Sarah. And it's the exact same picture her Joel had. Ellie hasn't seen that picture in ages – she's pretty sure Tommy took it – and now, staring at it, Ellie is caught off guard by the wave of homesickness that crashes over her.

That picture is the only thing truly familiar to her in this strange world and now that Ellie has found that anchor –  small as it may be –  she doesn't want to let go of it.

"That's 33,60$."

Ellie almost drops the wallet.

She knows that voice. It has followed her into her nightmares and haunts her in her memories.

God, please don't let it be her.

Heart in her throat, Ellie lifts her head and stares right into the eyes of the very last person she wants to see.

It's Abby.

"Are you gonna pay today, or...?" Her voice is bored, unimpressed.

"H-How much?"

"33,60$. Still."

With trembling fingers, Ellie fumbles for the money.

It's not her lt's not her lt's not her.

Just a girl.

Not a threat.

But that doesn't stop the bile from rising in her throat and the revolver burning at her back.

"Take your time," Not-Abby says and Ellie grits her teeth, sand grinding between them, salt water burning in her eyes.

She finally fishes a fifty dollar note out and drops it on the counter. For a second she swears she can see blood dripping from her dismembered fingers, but it's gone in a blink.

Ellie grabs the shopping bag off the counter and flees for the door.

"Hey, I still got your change!"

Ellie ignores her. She makes it all the way to her bike where she collapses on the sidewalk, heaving for breaths. She presses the balls of her palms into her eyes.

Calm down, calm the fuck down.

A hand lightly touches her shoulder. "Head between your knees."

Ellie flinches so hard she almost knocks over her bike. "Don't you fucking touch me."

Abby steps back, lifting her hands. "Alright, jeez, just trying to help."

"Get the fuck outta my sight."

"Okay, here's your change. Fuck you too."

Abby drops the money on the ground and goes back inside.

Ellie rakes her fingers through her hair, pulling at the roots, but the pain doesn't relieve her and it doesn't distract her from what she really wants.

Dina.

She wants her here. Next to her. It's her hand Ellie wants to feel on her shoulder, her comforting voice.

But Dina is not here. All Ellie can do is wait it out. All alone.

A strangled sob escapes her. Ellie hugs her arms to her chest.

Her skin hurts.

She makes it up eventually. When the mental picture of Dina fades into nothingness and Ellie becomes aware of the hard ground beneath her. When the stumps on her hand stop burning and the noose around her neck loosens, Ellie gathers all her strength and stands up. She takes her backpack and bike and starts walking. Head in a daze she walks until she reaches a fork in the road. There she stops. Ellie knows the way to Joel's house, knows a left turn would take her back, but she's staring to the right, down the empty street that would take her to the West gate. There she could get a horse and ride up into the woods. With a horse it would only take her an hour or two to get there.

Ellie flexes her hands on the handle of the bike. She bets she could make it there just as fast with the bike.

But what for? Why does Ellie feel that pull, when she knows they won't be there? Why is knowing not enough to stop her from getting on the bike and riding down that road? She rides all the way out of town and continues on into the woods, until she finds her familiar trail.

And then she sees it. The farmhouse.

Ellie stops at the fence, staring at the house that used to be a place of comfort to her. A home. Now she's not sure anymore. Maybe it never was that. Maybe Ellie tried too hard to shape herself into someone she wasn't ready to be yet. Tried too hard to fit into a life that she didn't know how to lead.

The front door of the house bursts open and two kids come running out – maybe ten and eight years old – followed by a woman in her thirties, hair in a bandana, carrying a laundry basket. She calls something after the kids, but they ignore her, busy acting out a sword fight. The woman doesn't seem to mind. She shakes her head fondly and continues with her laundry.

"Can I help you?"

Ellie jumps, tearing her gaze from the life that once was hers, and sees another woman appearing from behind the tractor she and JJ used to sit on. This woman looks about the same age as the other one, wearing an unbuttoned flannel over a t-shirt and jeans. She's looking at Ellie with a kind, if confused smile.

Ellie shakes herself out of her stupor. "Sorry, I didn't mean to..." She clears her throat. "You live here?"

The woman comes closer to the fence, wiping her hands on an oil stained rag. "Yeah."

Ellie nods, pressing her lips together. "It's a nice place. You're lucky."

The woman doesn't really look any less confused "I guess so."

Ellie's eyes wander to the playing kids and the woman folding the laundry. "Your family?"

The woman follows Ellie's gaze, smile growing wider. "Yes, they are."

Something clenches in Ellie's chest, a sharp pain shooting through her ribcage.

"Take good care of them," she says.

The woman frowns at her. "Do I know you from somewhere?"

"No, I was just riding and I saw your house and..." Ellie gestures aimlessly with her hand. "It's a nice place, is all. Sorry, I didn't mean to be a creep, I'll leave."

The woman's eyes crinkle at the corners. "You need a ride home?"

"Nope, got my ride right here." Ellie says, turning her bike around, ready to leave.

"Alright," the woman says, putting her hands on her hips. She's wearing Converse, Ellie notices. "You get home safe."

Ellie lifts her hand in a wave. "Will do," she says and gets on her bike.

The house is in good hands. They might not be Ellie's and Dina's hands - maybe they weren't meant to be. But that house is meant to be lived in, meant to be a home, and these two women have made it that.

Maybe that's why Ellie had to come here –  to make sure the house is taken care of. And it is.

Ellie starts her way home and doesn't look back.

It's almost dark by the time Ellie makes it back. The sky is colored a dusky gray-blue, while the streetlights illuminate the road ahead of her. Ellie is pushing her bike on the sidewalk, eyes directed at the cobblestones, not really looking at anything. She enters Joel's yard through the back gate, leaning her bike against the garage.

That's when she hears it. A guitar, and Joel softly singing along with it.

Long is the road that leads me home

And longer still when I walk alone

Bitter is the thought of all that time

Spent searching for something I'll never find

Take this burden away from me

And bury it before it buries me

Ellie's hands are clenched tight around the bike, fingernails digging into her palm. Her heart feels like it's trying to cower deeper into the walls of her chest, shrinking and cramping, anything to get away from this pain.

Steady is the hand that's come to terms

With the lessons it has had to learn

I've seen the things that I must do

But Lord, this road is meant for two

So I am waiting here for you

She can't do this. She can't stand here and listen to Joel sing – this other Joel who is so very alive, but couldn't be further away from her. It's too much and at the same time not nearly enough. She wants her Joel, the one that remembers finding a giraffe with her, giving her swimming lessons and jumping off a dinosaur. The one who came home with bloody hands from punching a Runner to death and then continued to create the most beautiful carvings with those very same hands. Her Joel with his scarred nose and broken watch and smelling of wood and varnish.

"Ellie?"

Ellie closes her eyes, giving herself a moment before answering.

"Yeah," she calls out, voice hoarse. "I'm here."

She gets her legs moving and makes her way to the porch, just as Joel sets his guitar aside. He looks her up and down, worried and not trying to hide it. That's something her Joel was alway very honest about – his worrying about her. Or maybe Ellie just knew him that well.

"You took your time," he says.

"Yeah, sorry, I just..." Ellie gestures aimlessly with her hand, pulling out a chair. "Guess I just lost track of time," she says and sits down, setting her backpack on the floor. "I got your coffee, though. Three bags, one for every exclamation mark."

"That's not how I meant it and you know it."

"You're really gonna sit here and pretend like your eyes didn't just light up?"

Joel scoffs, but he can't hide the crinkle of amusement that plays around his eyes.

God, she misses him.

She can feel his eyes on her – he knows something is up. Ellie ducks her head, fiddling with her fingers. Then she nods at his guitar.

"Didn't mean to interrupt."

Joel looks at the guitar, then back at Ellie, a look of careful consideration in his eyes.

"You play?" he asks, sounding a lot like he's expecting a yes.

Ellie lifts her left hand. "Three fingers, remember?"

"That don't exactly answer my question."

Ellie lowers her hand, staring at her stumps and remembers when she found her guitar at the farmhouse, tried to play, but couldn't. She flexes her hand, stares off into the night. "I used to," she says.

Joel takes his guitar by the neck, holds it out to her. "You wanna give it a whirl?"

Ellie sighs. "Joel–"

"Just give it a try, come on."

She wants to. She wants to take that guitar and play like she used to. She wants to play songs for Dina and lullabies for JJ, but she can't. She knows damn well that she can't. And yet.

Her hand reaches out and she settles the guitar on her lap. Her hand travels up the neck, her two fingers pressing down on the strings.

Ellie plays.

She tries to.

If I ever were to lose you, I'd surely lose myself

That's as far as she makes it. It doesn't work, of course it doesn't. She knew that from the start, but it still feels like losing another part of Joel. Like letting him down, and the wound in Ellie's chest that's never stopped hurting starts bleeding again.

She lifts the guitar off her lap. "Here," she says to Joel.

He looks at her with a sad smile, takes the guitar. "Thought you didn't like Pearl Jam."

"It's not fucking Pearl Jam, okay? It's – " she breaks off, looking at her hand. She clenches her three fingers into a fist. "Joel taught me that song. It was the first song I knew how to play."

Joel nods like he understands, but how could he?

"Good choice. My Ellie made me teach her a Coldplay song." At Ellie's questioning eyes he continues. "When I started teaching her, I asked what she'd like to play and she said The Scientist by Coldplay ."

Ellie shakes her head. "I don't know it."

Joel flips the guitar on his lap, positioning his hands. "Bear in mind, I'm going for the Willie Nelson version here."

That guy Ellie knows. "And why's that?"

"Because the original song is full of high notes and I can't sing a high note to save my life."

Ellie chuckles softly and Joel begins to play.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

By the time Joel finishes the song, the weight on Ellie's chest has grown so heavy that it's nearly impossible to breathe. She sucks in a sharp breath, her stomach cramps.

"Ellie?"

Ellie shakes her head. She can't look at him. That song hit entirely too close to home. If she looks at him now, into his worried eyes, she's definitely going to cry. Or do something really stupid like throwing her arms around his neck, which is something she desperately wants to do, but not with this Joel.

It's not him It's not him It's not him.

Her Joel is lying six feet under with worms and maggots eating away at his rotting flesh and Ellie is never going to hear another song coming out of his mouth, and his Not-murderer is working in a store twenty minutes from here and tried to help her through a panic attack and Ellie is breaking apart. She can feel it – her skin cracking, revealing the bones underneath. She stares at her trembling hand, the blood dripping from her missing fingers...

And then there's Not-Joel's hand on hers. Warm. Alive. Entirely enveloping hers.

"Ellie. "

And Ellie flinches. She pulls her hand back, stands on her shaky legs.

"I think I'm going to bed," she says, the words tumbling out of her mouth. She barely hears them.

"You okay?"

"I’m fine."

She leaves Not-Joel on the porch and goes upstairs into her room. She lies down under the covers, sees the glowing stars sticking to the ceiling and somehow that's what breaks her.

Big Dipper, that's one I recognize.

It's called Ursa Major, Joel.

Nah, no way. That's definitely Big Dipper. Wanna know how I know? Cause it's big. And looks like a dipper.

Ellie can hear the voice so clearly, but she can't tell if it's his voice, or the one of the other Joel. What if she loses him? What if she can’t tell the difference anymore? What made her Joel her Joel ? Ellie feels an irrational panic crawling up her throat. With clammy hands she reaches for her backpack, takes out her journal and opens it on the last page. Her drawing of him. That’s her Joel. He’s right there, untouchable for anyone but her and hers to remember.

She curls into a ball, staring at the drawing.

She doesn't sleep.

Chapter Text

Joel

Joel has always considered himself a patient man. He had to be as a parent and a craftsman – comes with the job. Rarely is he angry.

Well.

That's not quite true. Truth is, he's always angry, has been for just about twenty-five years now, but it's a passive anger, just under the surface. A constant bitterness at the world, life and existence in general. But rarely does he resort to emotional outbursts. Fits of rage. But dear god, if there's one thing that gets him from zero to boiling it's smartphones. He's bought one for Ellie, the cheapest he could find, so if she ever were to take five hours for a trip to the store again she can text him, so Joel won't worry himself sick for five hours.

Truth be told, when her absence passed the three hour mark Joel thought she'd just... disappeared... in the same sudden, unexpected way she first showed up. Maybe that's how it works. Maybe one day Joel will wake up and she'll be just... gone.

But Joel will cross that bridge when he comes to it, because that evening Ellie did come back, to Joel's immeasurable relief, even if she came back changed.

Now, he's sitting in Tess's coffee shop, tapping away at that goddamned phone and he's this close to throwing the damn thing across the room.

"Need a hand?"

Joel lifts his head, looking past the brim of his glasses. It's Tess bringing him his coffee.

"Don't tell me you finally got a new phone."

"Hm? No, it's for– I mean, yeah. Mine, uh... broke. Dropped it. "

"Thank god. You've had that thing for, what... ten years?"

"It works. Don't see the point in getting a new one, when the current one still does its job." Joel pauses, considering his words. "I mean worked. And now it's broken, so I got a new one."

"Right." Tess sits down opposite him, stretching out a hand. "Give it here already. Watching you is giving me a headache."

Joel hands over the phone and takes off his glasses. He watches Tess squinting and frowning at the screen, and he knows from personal experience that you only do that when the print is too goddamn small. 

He smiles to himself. Ten years younger than him is still forty- seven.

He dangles his reading glasses in front of her. "Need the glasses to go along with that?"

Tess narrows her eyes at him, opening her mouth, no doubt to give a witty reply, but she's interrupted by a ringtone.

Joel's ringtone. Unmistakably. It's the same guitar riff he's had for ten years now and it's definitely coming from somewhere in his jacket.

Tess raises an eyebrow at him, slowly setting the new phone down. "Think that's your phone there, Joel."

"Uh..." He clears his throat. "Excuse me." He shuffles out of the booth, fishing his phone out of his pocket. 

It's Tommy, of course it is. He makes it to the men's restroom where he answers the call.

"Tommy," he says, without giving his brother a chance to speak, "you have the worst goddamn timing."

"Why? You on a date or something?"

Joel rubs a hand over his face.

He's a patient man. Most of the time.

"Nevermind, forget it. Why are you calling?"

"You missed our date."

"Our what now?"

"Last week was the fifteenth. Mid-month. That's normally the day you call to ask how Ellie is doing. But you didn't, so I'm basically just making sure you ain't dead."

Joel sighs, exasperated. "Why would I be dead?"

"Shit, I don't know, but you got folks from a parallel universe showing up at your house, who's to say aliens ain't next?"

"Well, aliens don't exist, so let's start there."

"Yeah, well, up until a week ago parallel universes didn't exist either, so that's a moot point."

"Oh for Christ's sake, Tommy. I didn't get kidnapped by aliens, happy now?"

In that moment the door to the toilet stall opens and Tess's university student steps out. There's a second of incredibly awkward eye contact between them. The fella mumbles an excuse me, washes his hands and hurries out of the room.

Joel can definitely not ever come back here, as long as that guy works here.

"...Joel."

He sighs. "What."

"Are you in a public toilet?"

Joel can hear his grin. "What do you want, Tommy?"

"Aren't you going to ask me how Ellie is doing?"

And that's the question that cuts Joel's very last thread.

"I know for a fact that she's miserable. She doesn't eat, barely sleeps and I'm pretty sure she's avoiding me ever since she took that damn trip to the store. She’s always on that damn bike of hers and coming home at all hours of the night, while I worry myself sick and tired. In short Tommy, Ellie is so far from fine, that I don't need to listen to you to notice it."

Joel is not one for emotional outbursts.

Usually.

"Joel. Brother. Calm down. I have no idea what you're talking about. I meant our Ellie. You know, the one you adopted like ten years ago? Then one that lives with me? Ringing any bells here?”

Joel's breath leaves him in a rush.

Jesus Christ.

Ellie.

He didn't forget about her, he didn't. It's just... with the other Ellie around, who is so much like his Ellie, it feels a lot like old times. Like the past few years never happened and things between them are easy and comfortable and good. Like they're supposed to be. It's so hard not to fall into that trap – even harder now that this Ellie is miles away from anything one could qualify as okay and she's definitely nowhere near that peaceful look on her face from a few nights ago.

And worst of it all. Joel is completely helpless in this. He doesn't have the first idea what's going through her head, has no clue how to help her.

With a sigh, he closes his eyes. Exhausted. Defeated.

"Joel?"

"I'm here," he says into the phone. "I'm just..."

"Stressed? Old? Depressed? Tired?"

"Yeah..."

There's a pause. "What, like, all four of those?"

"How is Ellie? Our Ellie."

Another pause. A heavy one. "Yeah, she's fine, she's good. Nothing happened or anything, I'm just calling because you didn't."

"Yeah, sorry, I've been feeling a little..." useless "...out of sorts."

"No shit. Wanna talk about it?"

"I just need to figure this thing out. This other Ellie, she's..."

" ...not okay, sounds like."

"No," Joel says. "She's not."

The other end is silent for a moment, but Joel can hear his brother think and more often than not whatever follows that sound is something incredibly stupid.

"Well... " Tommy starts, "I'm actually calling about one other thing."

"What's that?"

"This might come as a surprise to you, but your birthday is coming up– "

"Oh, Jesus Christ."

"Just hear me out - "

"I'm not coming."

"Joel– "

"I'm not coming. Not for my birthday, not for Christmas, not for the second coming of Christ."

"I know that. Which is why I thought I'd come to you. With JJ. I talked to Dina about it and she'd be happy to have a weekend to herself."

It's Joel's turn to pause, going over Tommy's word. They don't sound any less stupid. "That's a terrible idea. JJ sees Ellie every day, what's he gonna think when he suddenly sees the other Ellie with me?"

"The boy is two, Joel, I don't think he's gonna wreck his brain about it."

"The answer is no."

"Oh, come on, just for the weekend. Maria is working on that case about the shooter in the medical conference – apparently there's a new lead – anyway, she's busy, so it'll just be JJ and me coming over for a boys' weekend. The kid misses you, you know."

Joel resists the urge to roll his eyes. "The kid doesn't even know me."

"Exactly! Ain't that sad? He'd miss you, if he knew you, you know."

"I said no."

There's a stubborn silence on the other end.

"Tommy?"

"Yes, alright, the answer is no."

"I mean it. Don't you dare show up here."

" Alright , I got it."

"Good."

A few seconds of strained silence pass. Joel hooks his thumb into his jeans. "Thanks for calling."

"Uh-huh."

The clock on the wall ticks and ticks. Joel listens to Tommy's working mind.

"I swear to god, if you show up here on the 26th-"

Tommy hangs up the phone. Joel sighs at the display.

That bastard. He's so gonna come.

Joel makes his way back to the booth where Tess is still sitting. He'd hoped that by the time he crossed the room he'd have come up with a good explanation for the whole phone thing.

He'd hoped in vain.

He makes it back to the booth, opens his mouth. Tess doesn't let him speak.

"Here," she says, getting up from the table and giving him the new phone. "It's all set up."

Hesitantly, Joel takes the phone. "Tess–"

"No, Joel, listen." She doesn't sound angry, more like... sympathetic. Maybe a little tired. "I know something's going on with you, something you don't want to tell me and that's fine. It's none of my business, I get it, but... the quiet stoic act? It's never helped anyone, so just... " she sighs, somewhere between sad and hurt. "Look after yourself, alright?" She says it with a fragile little smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Alright." She lays a hand on his chest, only for a moment. "See you around, Texas."

Joel nervously fiddles with the phone in his hand, standing in front of Ellie's room, like a little child that's too embarrassed to tell his parents he threw up.

Which is ridiculous. If anyone has to be the child in this situation it should be Ellie.

Maybe, more accurately, Joel is standing in front of Ellie's room like a nervous father who doesn't have the balls to enter his teenager's room, because teenagers are a species of their own and no one ever knows how they'll react to a parent entering their domain.

Which is only moderately less ridiculous. Plus Ellie is not actually a teenager anymore, so Joel is officially all out of analogies.

He's gotta knock. Maybe start the whole thing with a joke – one of them puns Ellie can't get enough of.

Definitely don't tell a joke, Dad.

Yeah, maybe not.

But one way or another he's gotta knock.

Joel lifts his fist and just as the knuckle of his forefinger is about to connect with the door, it swings open and Joel comes face to face with Ellie. She looks just about as caught off guard as Joel feels.

"Uhm... hey, Joel."

Joel lowers his hand. "Hey." Then he notices the backpack on her shoulders and the fact that she's wearing shoes. "Going somewhere?" Again?

"Yeah, I was just about to... head out. Get some air. I'm not really used to sitting in the house for days on end."

Joel knows Ellie well enough that he recognizes that that's not the real reason she leaves every day.

"You sure?" he asks. "I was just about to make dinner – won't even be an hour till it's done. You sure you don't wanna wait for–"

"I'm not really hungry. Thanks, but I'm just gonna..." she points down the hallway, puts on a strained smile and pushes past him.

Joel resists the urge to grab her arm and make her stay.

Just stay, dammit. Talk to me. What makes you leave every day? What was done to you? Why are you so convinced you need to do this on your own? I'm right here.

But Joel doesn't say any of those things. He lets her pass, hand clenched tight around the phone.

And only then does he remember the reason he came to her door in the first place.

"Ellie, wait, just for a moment."

She stops, one hand on the banister, and Joel thinks he can see her closing her eyes for a second, before turning to look at him.

"What is it?"

"I, uh... I got you something," Joel says, meeting her at the stairs. "A phone for when you're... out there. Or I'm working and you need something, or just for... letting me know what you're up to."

Ellie stares at the phone in his hand, lips moving, but no sound comes out. Carefully, she takes it from his hand. Joel is not sure if he's just imagining things or if Ellie really is extra careful that her fingers don't touch his palm.

"You bought this for me?"

Joel closes his hand, lets it hang limply by his side. "Yeah, I thought... we don't know how long you're gonna be here, so I thought it would be... good, if you had one."

For half a second Ellie's eyes jump to his, but just as quickly she's lowered them again. "Thanks," she says quietly.

Joel clears his throat, raises his forefinger at the phone. "That button unlocks it. My number is already in there, all you have to do is tap on the phone icon and then on my name. I won't pretend I’m an expert with these things, but I could show you how to use it for–"

"I think I can figure this out on my own, actually. You don't have to explain it to me."

Joel is pretty sure his heart gains another crack at her words. "Yeah," he says, taking a step back. "Okay."

With another strained smile that looks even more pained than the one before, Ellie turns and hurries down the stairs.

Joel hears the front door click shut and with it his stoicism crumbles. He runs both hands over his face and can't help the shaky breath that escapes him.

Only a week and he's already losing her.

Joel stares at his watch, wishing so badly to hear her voice, but of course, now when he needs her the most Sarah stays silent.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Sitting on a bench across the parking lot, Ellie tells herself it's different this time. It's not the same obsession. She's not here to kill her – she knows it's not really her and Ellie is not that far gone that she would kill an innocent girl just because she looks like Joel's killer. Ellie just wants to know what she's like, this other version of Abby. Whether she has a tendency to torture and kill people too. It's only reasonable. Public safety and all...

Ellie sits there on the bench, a comic book opened in her lap that she's brought along purely for cover. Briefly, she had contemplated taking out her binoculars, but then she thought if she's really gonna sit here with binoculars in her face, she might as well put on a fake mustache, too, maybe even hold up a sign. Hello. I am stalking you. Don't mind me.

Point is, the binoculars stay in her backpack. She doesn't need them anyway. Anyone with eyes can see that this Abby is... not the one Ellie knows. Honestly, Ellie is having a hard time picturing this Abby could torture and kill anyone. She's far too... normal for that. Not violent at all. But then again that could just be because she can't exactly go around beating up her customers. Ellie imagines that would be bad for business.

But there's something... something about this Abby that Ellie can't stop coming here. Maybe it's her cold eyes or the way she never even looks at her customers, never says a word more than necessary, never even cracks a smile.

At least not until a certain boy shows up.

That's the routine Ellie has gotten to know in the week she's been keeping an eye on the place: Fifteen minutes before Abby's shift ends, the kid would show up and suddenly Abby would be this easy going young woman who laughs and jokes with a kid ten years younger than her. He would sit on the counter, swinging his legs while Abby would clean the store up and then they would leave the place together.

And Ellie would be left alone in the parking lot wondering why it's so difficult to see them together.

Speaking of... the boy should have been here ten minutes ago. In the entire time Ellie has been scouting this place, he was never late. Early, sometimes, but never late, and his tardiness hasn't gone unnoticed by Abby, if the frequent looks she gives the clock are anything to go by.

It's that moment that Ellie hears loud voices coming from an alley behind the store. Yells, more like, and... laughter? Not a good combination, so Ellie gets up, takes a careful look around to make sure no one sees her, and changes the comic in her hand for Joel's revolver. Then she heads for the alley.

What she finds are three boys standing around a fourth boy lying on the ground. The kid is clutching his stomach, blood from his nose and a busted lip smeared over his cheek. The three boys seem to be very proud of their work – gloating as they are with twisted smiles on their faces.

"Yeah, you're not such a strong man now, are you? Lily."

Their sick laughter fills the alley. One of them spits on the boy lying helpless on the ground and that picture sends a violent jolt through Ellie's body, because for the flash of a second she sees Joel there, beaten and bloodied, helpless on the ground. Her grip on the revolver tightens and she's halfway down the alley before she even realises her legs are moving.

"Hey, asshole!"

The three kids spin around, smiles vanishing from their faces as soon as they spot the gun in Ellie's hand. They back up in fear, almost stumbling over the boy on the ground.

"How about you little shits get the fuck out of her before I need to use this thing."

Three heads jerk up and down in unison, mouths zipped shut.

"Well then fucking scatter and you better don't ever touch a hair on that boy's head again, you hear me?"

The kids nod some more, until they finally remember the use of their legs and almost stumble over each other trying to leave the alley.

Ellie pays them no further mind and kneels down by the boy.

"Hey, kid?"

He mumbles something Ellie can't make out, he's barely conscious. Ellie lays a hand under his cheek to turn his face up and her heart plummets to her stomach when she realises who he is.

It's the boy who always visits Abby.

The boy from the theater that shot an arrow through Tommy’s knee. The boy who stopped Abby from killing Dina. The boy from the beach who Abby carried in her arms.

The boy whose throat Ellie held a knife to.

I got you.

Ellie's hands tremble as she struggles to her feet. Her mouth is dry, her hands clammy.

"Hey!"

She spins around and sees Abby coming down the alley.

"Get away from him!"

Ellie stumbles back. "I didnt... I didn't do this," she mumbles. And she didn't, did she? No she wouldn't have. She wasn't going to kill the boy. The knife to his throat – that was just because she wanted Abby to fight.

She wouldn't have killed the boy. She wouldn't have.

Abby pushes her out of the way and kneels down by the boy.

"Lev?"

She gets about the same reaction Ellie did.

"Shit."

Abby tucks her arms under his legs and shoulder and picks him up, heading for the store.

Ellie stays where she is, staring at the blood spots on the ground and trying very hard not to let the picture of Joel's broken body enter her mind. The smell of iron floods her nose – Ellie needs to get out of this alley now.

She turns and sees Abby's retreating figure, Lev securely in her arms. It's the only anchor Ellie has and like a bleeding soldier who has found footsteps in a barren battlefield, Ellie trails after them.

They enter the store through the sliding doors and Abby takes a look over her shoulder, seemingly not surprised at all to see that Ellie followed them.

"You. Get the door behind the counter."

Ellie does as she's told. It's a small room with a couch, a fridge, a small desk and a sink, and Abby shoulders past her toward the couch.

"You wanna make yourself useful, grab the first aid kit under the sink," she says, laying Lev on the couch. She raises an eyebrow at Ellie. "And maybe put away that revolver."

Ellie looks down at her hand and sure enough, she's still holding the gun. She tucks it into her waistband and crouches down by the sink to get the first aid kit.

"Here."

Abby takes it. "Thanks," she says gruffly and immediately sets to work. She doesn't spare Ellie another glance. "Close the door behind you, would you?"

Ellie doesn't move. "Is he okay?"

"Does he fucking look okay?"

Ellie clenches her jaw, says nothing.

Abby sighs. "Look, I appreciate you showing up when you did, but I don't need your help, okay? So just..." she makes a gesture with her hand. "Go."

Ellie shuffles closer to the door, takes one last look at the boy, and leaves, closing the door behind her.

She stands there, in the dark, quiet store and has no idea what to do with herself.

Eventually, the door to that little back room opens and Abby steps out. This time she's at least a little surprised to see Ellie there.

"Why are you still here?"

"How is he?"

Abby crosses her arms. "Why do you care?"

That's actually a pretty good question. Ellie has no idea. "Uhm..."

"You make a terrible stalker, you know that?"

"What?"

"You, on that bench with your comic book – it's a terrible cover up, by the way, no one needs ten minutes to read a page in a comic book."

"Whoah, hold on, I'm not stalking you." Not really. She's just... keeping an eye on her.

"Oh yeah? So there's a different reason you've been sitting on that bench every day, staring at me? Go on, I can't wait to hear it."

Ellie has to admit, it does sound an awful lot like stalking. "You just remind me of someone that I... knew. And I wanted to make sure that you weren't that person."

"You could have fucking asked. And I don't know you, so... case closed."

"Wait," Ellie says, before Abby turns to leave. "Why are you here?"

Abby spreads her hands to the side, raising an eyebrow "I work here."

"No, I mean why are you here , in Jackson. Are you... looking for someone?"

Abby takes a step toward her, narrowing her eyes. "How is that any of your fucking business ?"

It is my business if you're here for Joel.

But Ellie can’t exactly say that, so she says the next best thing.

"Because you look a little lost. Like you're looking for something to… get you back on track."

Maybe Ellie's words hit a little too close to home because Abby's eyes blaze with rage, her hands ball into fists and for a moment Ellie thinks she's going to punch her.

But nothing happens.

"Get the fuck outta my store," she says, turns on her heels, entering the backroom and slamming the door in Ellie's face.

By the time Ellie gets home, it's late enough for any reasonable person to be asleep, but the light in Joel's sitting room is still burning which means he must be still awake.

Ellie leans the bike against the garage and walks up the stairs to the front door. Not for the first time she's glad that Halican is not the kind of dog that barks when people come home. Instead he greets her with a soft whine, lazily wagging his tail. Ellie gives him a quick scratch, keeping an eye out for Joel. Usually, he's not far behind Halican, asking in that careful way of his what she's been up to, how her day has been, if she's hungry… She strongly suspects that what he really wants to ask her is Where have you been all day, what do you do, why are you always coming home so late, why are you avoiding me? Maybe he'd even want to take her by the shoulders and shake the answers out of her – Ellie is grateful for his level of restraint in that regard – but today he doesn't even come to the door. Briefly, Ellie entertains the thought of just sneaking up the stairs and avoiding him and his questions altogether, but in the end her curiosity – or worry, really – wins over her.

She enters the sitting room and it immediately becomes clear why Joel didn't come to the door. 

He's fallen asleep in his armchair, a book on his stomach, his arm hanging over the armrest. His phone is lying on the floor.

Ellie feels a pang of guilt when she spots the phone. He probably tried contacting her, asking when she would come home, only Elle never answered because she keeps forgetting she has a phone and thus never charges it or takes it with her.

Quietly, she moves toward him and picks up his phone – it must have slipped from his hand when he fell asleep. She pushes the unlock-button like Joel showed her and the screen shows the messages Joel sent her.

I made dinner, you coming? - J    19:23

Everything alright? - J    20:01

Ellie? - J    23:46

The pit of guilt in Ellie's stomach grows deeper. He sent that last text over an hour ago.

"Sorry," she mumbles, gently setting his phone on the coffee table.

Studying his sleeping figure she wonders if she should wake him up. His back and neck will hurt him after a night in his armchair, although he won't complain about it, stoic as he is.

Ellie decides to let him sleep. Who knows if he'll be able to fall asleep again if she wakes him now? After all, a night of bad sleep is better than no steep at all, right? Right.

At least that's what she tells herself.

Truth is she's just too afraid to look into his concerned eyes and doesn't trust herself not to sink into his arms and just pretend . Just for a moment. Give her just one small moment where everything is fine and no one got killed and Ellie's life doesn't lie in shards at her feet. One small moment that could spiral into other moments and this could become her reality. She could just stay. The other Ellie isn't around and in her own world there's probably no one who would miss her, so why not? Why shouldn't she just stay?

With a shake of her head she snaps herself out of it. That line of thought will take her nowhere. She can't stay. End of discussion. As soon as she figures out how to get back to her own world she'll have to leave and that's that. Best not to get any more attached than she already is.

Ellie does take one small risk though. Carefully, she takes the reading glasses off Joel's face and slides the book out from under his hand. She puts both items on the coffee table, takes a blanket off the couch and covers him up to his chest.

Through the entire thing Joel didn't even twitch. Ellie smiles sadly at his sleeping face. Her Joel would have been awake the moment her foot had stepped on the creaky stair of the porch.

It makes her wonder about the kind of man Joel would have been if the Outbreak hadn't happened. She supposes she has her answer right here and she decides she likes it. This suits him, this more relaxed, safe life in which he can just fall asleep in his armchair without a care in the world. Her Joel got a taste of it in Jackson – Ellie is grateful for that, at least, even if that peace didn't last very long.

With a parting glance at Joel's unscarred nose she turns away, ready to head upstairs. As if sensing her intentions Halican comes trotting toward her to say goodnight. He sticks his head between Ellie's legs and lazily wags his tail when Ellie gives in and scratches him behind the ears. He stays like that for a moment, then moves away to lie down right where Joel's arm is hanging over the armrest. If Halican lifted his head now Joel's hand would lie right between his pointy ears.

No coincidence, surely.

Ellie thinks of her Joel who always had a moment to spare if one of Jackson's dogs came begging for pets. She looks at Halican curled up at Joel's side and that muscle in her chest that Ellie has thought had gone numb long ago, pumps something warm and golden through her veins.

She smiles at the dog, relishes in the warmth in her chest.

"Yeah, he would have liked you."

Chapter Text

Joel

Joel's day had started with a crick in his neck, pain in his back and Halican's tongue between his fingers, and from then on it had only gotten worse. The ringing of his phone was what had woken him and Joel had struggled out of his chair (a little confused about the blanket because he's pretty sure he didn't have one when he'd fallen asleep) and answered the call. He'd let the lady on the other end vent about how her kitchen was falling apart, far more interested in the note on the table that had said:

Sorry, forgot to charge my phone.

Joel had looked at Halican, Halican had tilted his head.

"Well, at least she's communicating."

"The kitchen?"

And that was when he'd been reminded of the lady on the phone.

Joel had downed a coffee along with his meds, packed his tools and his dog and drove over there. Truthfully, when the woman had said that her kitchen was falling apart, Joel had thought she was exaggerating, but it had turned out that her kitchen really was hanging on to its last screws and it had taken Joel the entire day to fix it.

Now, on his way home, Joel is ready to fall asleep in his seat. He's got one hand on the steering wheel, the other is holding his head upright. Halican is passed out next to him, exhausted after a day of chasing squirrels.

His phone buzzes with an incoming message and Joel hastily fishes it out of his pocket, for once grateful for the red light ahead of him. He takes a look at the display and what usually causes a warmth to spread through his chest (some might even call it butterflies) now only results in disappointment.

It's from Tess. Or in other words, it's not from Ellie. And disappointment turns into bitterness when he reads the text.

Today might not mean much to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me, so... Happy birthday, Texas.

Joel sighs through his nose.

He did not need that reminder.

The light turns green and Joel steps on the gas. Thankfully, his truck is a piece of crap that takes ages to gain speed, otherwise he'd run over the maniac who just tried pushing her bike across the street without looking.

It's only after he slams into the brakes and Halican bolts upright that he sees that the maniac is Ellie.

Jesus Christ.

Fifteen more inches and Joel would have been the first guy to kill both his daughters on his birthday.

Ellie for her part doesn't seem the least bit fazed by her brush with death. She's standing in the middle of the road, hands on her bike, squinting at him through the windshield.

"Joel?"

Halican whines, wagging his tail.

Unbelievable.

Joel releases the death grip on the steering wheel, wills his heart to calm down and steps out of his truck, ignoring the honking car behind him. He's glad when his shaking knees don't give out.

"Ellie. What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"Jeez, you almost hit me."

"You don't say. You trying to get yourself killed?"

Ellie opens her mouth–

Joel raises a hand. "Don't answer that. Get in the truck."

"No thanks, I'm good with the bike."

Without a word Joel steps forward and yanks the bike from her hands (probably more violently than necessary) and positively throws it into the bed of his pickup.

"Get in the truck."

With her eyes wide and both eyebrows raised, Ellie complies.

Joel turns to follow suit, sending a menacing death glare at the guy behind his car, who's been honking the living daylights out of his tiny toyota, and the fella shrinks in his seat.

Joel gets in his truck, swatting at Halican's wagging tail, who's busy shoving his nose in Ellie's face, who in turn is swatting at his head. Neither of them is very successful.

"Halican, sit!"

At Joel's command, Halican plants his butt on the seat, tongue lolling out. He's not any less excited about Ellie's presence, which puts his mood into a weird contrast to the strained atmosphere in the car.

Joel steps on the gas. Again.

"So," he starts, and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Ellie shift in her seat. "Do you make a habit of trying to get run over or is that just for Fridays?"

Ellie lets out an annoyed breath. "I wasn't trying to get run over, I just haven't gotten used to the whole traffic thing yet."

"The whole traffic thing? Jesus Christ, I never should have let you out with that bike."

Ellie turns toward him. "Hey, you don't get to tell me what I can and can't do. I'm not a kid anymore."

"You sure about that? Cause it looks like you could use a lesson in common goddamn sense."

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't grow up in fucking paradise where everybody can just drive their car to the store, like it's nobody's business. I'm used to actual danger, you know, the life threatening kind?"

"Don't talk to me about danger, Sarah. Car accidents can get you killed. Not opening your damn eyes when crossing the street gets you killed."

He notices his slip-up too late.

The car is engulfed into an oppressive silence. Even Halican has noticed the change in mood and is curled into a ball, hiding under his tail.

Ellie is quiet next to him, looking down at her hands. "Joel..."

Goddamn…

Joel clenches his hands on the steering wheel and lets out a long, tired breath. "Let's just get home."

A very quiet okay is all the answer he gets and they drive the rest of the way in silence.

Joel really thought this day couldn't get any worse, but then he pulls into the driveway and already sees another car parked there. A rental, going by the Rent me! bumper sticker.

Ellie leans forward in her seat. "Who– "

With all the stoicism he can muster, Joel turns off his truck, pulls the key out of the ignition and sinks back into his seat.

He knows exactly who that is.

Today marks without a doubt the second worst birthday he's ever had.

"Joel?"

"It's alright," he says, opening the door, "I know who this is."

Halican jumps out after him, followed by Ellie, and the three of them enter the house. The damn dog immediately runs off into the kitchen, baited by the sounds of clanking cutlery. He whines and barks, paws scratching over the floor.

"What the hell?" are the first words Joel hears from his brother, before he even sees him.

"Fucking dog– sit!"

What follows is an even louder exclamation in a kid's voice, accompanied by small hands slamming on a plastic table. "Fucking dog!"

"No, no, no, sh– I didn't say that."

Joel decides to come to Tommy's rescue and steps into the kitchen, laying eyes on his brother, who's trying his best to work his way around Halican, while holding a mug of coffee in one hand and a yogurt in the other. JJ, who Joel has seen nothing but pictures of, is kicking his legs in his highchair, stretching his arms out for the yogurt.

"Alright there, little brother?"

"Get your damn dog."

JJ brings his hands down. "Damn dog!"

Joel has trouble hiding a smile. "Halican, come here boy." He taps his thigh and Halican comes toward him, tail wagging, and a big smile on his face like he's trying to say look who's here.

Way now free, Tommy makes it to JJ and gives him his yogurt. The boy immediately digs in.

"I swear, he's got the cussing from Ellie," Tommy says and takes a sip from his coffee. He turns around, but before he looks at Joel his eyes land somewhere behind him and he almost drops his coffee. "Holy shit."

Joel turns his head over his shoulder at Ellie, who to his alarm, looks like she might faint on the spot and she's not even looking at Tommy. Her eyes are fixed on JJ, who's getting yogurt everywhere but in his mouth.

"Gotta be honest with you, until now I thought for sure Joel was having me on, but you really are her. "

Ellie tears her eyes from JJ at Tommy, but doesn't look any less pale. "Tommy."

At the sound of her voice, JJ looks up from his yogurt and his face splits into a smile. "Ellie!" He drops his spoon and tries to push himself out of his chair. "Ellie, up!"

Tommy steps forward, before JJ can escape his chair. "Easy pal, you done with your yogurt?"

"Ellie, up!" JJ says again, lifting his arms.

"Yep, heard you the first time." Tommy takes JJ out of his chair, planting him on his hip, but immediately JJ leans to the side in search of Ellie, who sways forward as if to take him, but stops herself, clenching her fists.

JJ is getting more and more fed up with the situation and seems on the verge of crying. "I want Ellie," he says and even Joel's heart breaks a little.

Tommy tries to console him. "Listen buddy, we got a bit of a complicated situation here–"

And that's when JJ starts crying.

Joel is caught between wanting to comfort JJ himself, although he hasn't held a toddler in his arms in forty years, and smacking Tommy over the head for bringing the kid. He knew it was a terrible idea.

But then Ellie surprises everyone in the room, probably even herself, when she steps forward and takes JJ from Tommy, securely settling him on her hip.

"Hey, potato," she says softly, wiping the tears from JJ's cheeks in a way only a mother can.

Joel locks eyes with Tommy and he can tell, they're both thinking the same thing.

Oh.

"So, parallel universe, you say." Tommy drops into the chair next to Joel, opening his can of beer. They're sitting out on the porch, in the cool evening air, listening to the sounds of the night.

"Hell if I know." Joel says, staring at his beer. "But if it ain't time travel..."

Tommy scratches at his beard. "Damn, out of two options, I don't know which one sounds crazier, I mean..." He sits up straight, turning toward Joel. "Just what are we talking about here? Parallel universes? Like, like a multiverse, like the Marvel movies?"'

"I don't know."

Tommy stares at him. "That's... not what I wanted to hear."

"Well, I'm pretty sure Thanos is gonna stay out of the equation, if that makes you feel any better."

Frowning, Tommy sinks back into his chair. "Hell, not really." Then he looks at Joel again. "How do you know who Thanos is?"

"Ellie loves those movies, of course I know who Thanos is."

"Fair enough."

They're quiet again, each drinking from their beers. As much as he hates to admit it, Joel is glad Tommy is here. They don't see each other often these days and Joel finds he's missed the companionable evenings on the porch.

"Alright, let's go with the parallel universe theory," Tommy says. "How much do you know about her world?"

"Not much. Apparently it's a zombie-like apocalypse, she lives in Jackson and other versions of you, Tess, Maria and me exist there. And she obviously knows JJ, so I reckon he, Dina and Jesse exist there too."

"Huh."

"Hm."

"Wild."

"Yep."

"She called JJ potato."

"I've heard," Joel says, leaning forward in his chair and rubbing a hand over his face.

"Only Ellie does that."

Joel nods. It does seem like something his Ellie would do.

"Joel."

Joel sighs, head in his hands. "She has a family."

"And she's been here for what, two weeks?"

"Just about."

"And she's never mentioned them to you?"

Joel shakes his head.

"So... what do you make of that? I mean, I know Jesse and Dina. I know they love Ellie, and I know that if Ellie didn't come home for two weeks they wouldn't rest until they found her, and our Ellie would fight like hell to get back to them, but now you're telling me that this Ellie has never even mentioned them?"

"No, she hasn't, and I didn't ask." Looking back he probably should have, but he's never even met Jesse and Dina, so it hadn't really occurred to him.

Joel says nothing, draws his thumb over the rim of his beer can.

"Listen, Joel, there's something else about why I came here. Something you should know."

That gets Joel's attention. "What?"

"Ellie, Dina and Jesse... they're talking about moving."

"Moving? Moving where?"

"Well, out, mainly. I haven't heard any specifics yet, but my guess is closer to Jesse's parents."

"Which would be?" 

"Uh, Maine?"

" Maine?" Joel almost crushes his beer can.

"Alright, don't panic, it's just an assumption. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything."

"Tommy, if she leaves, then–" He will lose her. Completely this time. Irrevocably. Without that last connection to Tommy there's nothing still connecting her to him, no last thin thread he can hold on to. Nothing.

"Calm down, she ain't packing yet. And instead of planning a memorial service for everything that could have been, you could just head down there with me and, you know, talk to her? With words?"

"Tommy–"

"Use your limited vocabulary to explain why you did what you did, maybe even go so far as to apologize. Ever thought of that?"

"It ain't that simple and you know it."

"Bullshit. It's exactly that simple. Granted, she might not forgive you, and we both know it would be her good night not to, but at least you'll have tried. Now, you're just sitting on your ass and what, waiting for to just show up here?"

"I'm giving her space."

"Yeah, and soon that'll be over two thousand miles of space. I hate to break it to you, but maybe your method isn't working."

This time Joel does crush the beer can in his hand, but he stays silent.

"Sure, do the stubborn silence act on me because that's working out so well for you."

In that moment, the door to the porch opens and Ellie steps out. She looks awkwardly back and forth between them, which has Joel thinking she's heart the entire conversation.

"Hey, uh, JJ's fallen asleep on the couch, so..."

"What, he just fell asleep without throwing a tantrum?" Tommy looks her up and down like she might be the new messiah. "How'd you manage that?"

"Uhm, a lullaby?"

"Huh, maybe I oughta try that."

Joel snorts. "Maybe not, he might scream louder to drown you out."

"Hey, some people happen to like my voice. Apparently it's smokey."

"Smokey is just a kinder word for ear-grating," Ellie and Joel say at the same time.

"Alright, screw you both. I'm carrying the little guy to bed." Tommy gets inside and then there's just Ellie and Joel on the porch. For a moment it's awkward. Ellie obviously doesn't know if she should stay or get back inside. To Joel's relief she decides to stay and sits down on the chair Tommy left behind.

"So... just curious, but should we expect the cops to show up here looking for kidnapper and a missing toddler?"

"You know, that's the first thing I asked him and apparently he has Dina's expressed permission. Even got it inwriting."

"So that's okay then?"

"I sincerely hope so."

Ellie nods, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Joel clears his throat. "I, uh... I'm not sure how much you heard..."

"Oh, I heard every word."

"Right, uhm..." Joel shifts in his seat, but Ellie saves him from an awkward apology.

"You're right. I do have a family back home. Or I did, at least." She pulls her legs onto the chair, hugging her knees to her chest. "Jesse is dead. He died trying to help me and never even got to meet his son. And I left Dina and JJ to go to Santa Barbara, so I think it's safe to say I screwed that up. JJ won't remember me and Dina is probably trying to forget me, so... " she shrugs, not looking at him. "There's no one looking for me. No one worrying over me or missing me. I'm alone."

Joel swallows. As so often in these kinds of talks he doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry. About Jesse."

Ellie clenches her jaw, says nothing.

"But... you were on your way back," Joel continues, "weren't you? You said you walked from Santa Barbara till here, so... if you think no one's waiting for you, why make the trip?"

Slowly, Ellie turns her head and Joel's heart breaks at what he finds there. There shouldn't be that much pain in a face that young.

"I don't know," she says, "I guess I just need to be sure. I need to see if I still have a home. I need to at least try."

Then you're doing what I don't have the guts for.

Joel studies the crushed beer can in his hand and can't help but think that's what loss does to you. It wraps a hand around your ribcage and just squeezes with all its might, until the bones crack and crash.

When Joel looks at Ellie he thinks he can hear her bones crack. Maybe that's where that pained expression comes from.

"You're hoping they're still there," he says.

Ellie looks down at her hands, fiddling with the bracelet on her wrist. She nods ever so slightly. "Hoping but not expecting."

One corner of Joel's mouth twitches into a sad smile. "Hoping but not expecting. Sounds about right."

Ellie glances at him, mirroring his half smile. "I got that from you, you know. Well, the other you."

"He sounds like a right ray of sunshine."

Ellie's smile turns sad. "He had his moments."

Had.

Ellie's use of the past tense whenever she refers to her her Joel hasn't gone unnoticed by Joel. Nor has the fact that Ellie hasn't mentioned him as someone who might miss her. It can really mean only one thing, but so far Joel hasn't found the courage to bring that up and neither has Ellie. If the way she shoots him a quick glance that practically begs him not to ask about it is anything to go by, she's not going to anytime soon.

There's a heavy pause following that statement. Heavy but short due to Ellie immediately changing the subject.

"Hey, by the way, I didn't mean to put a damper on your day. It's your birthday and I totally forgot."

Joel waves it off. "I really don't give a damn about my birthday. In fact, people would do me a real favor it they forgot about it."

Ellie chuckles. "Somehow that's exactly what I expected to hear."

"I'm guessing I have that in common with your Joel?"

"Yep, he pretty much hated his birthday. When I asked him when it was, he flat out refused to tell me, so I had to ask Tommy and when he finally told me, he made me promise not to ever say Happy Birthday to Joel or acknowledge that it's his birthday at all. I obviously thought that was dumb, so I convinced Tommy to help me bake some muffins. Naturally they turned out tasting like shit, so we made Maria bake a cake. I brought the cake over to Joel and was really casual and subtle about it. At least I like to think I was." A smile appears on her face at the memory of her story and Joel smiles with her. "We ate cake, had an action movie marathon and I never said a word about his birthday. I mean, he must have known, the entire time, but... " She shrugs, still smiling to herself. "I like to think he appreciated it."

"I'm sure he did."

Past tense again, but this time Ellie doesn't wince and change the subject. She meets his eyes, a fragile, little smile on her face, a silent thank you and it stays there for the rest of the evening.

Ellie

That night Ellie wakes from a crash coming from downstairs. She squints at the digital clock on her nightstand; it's just past four. Survival instincts kicked in, Ellie gets up and makes her way down. Soon she hears the warm rumble of Joel's voice together with JJ's brighter one. She sneaks on to the doorway of the sitting room where she stops, taking in the sight that greets her.

Joel is sitting on the couch, barefoot, wearing a t-shirt and dark blue pajamas pants, his guitar is propped against the armrest. JJ is standing between Joel's knees in his white pajamas with little giraffes on them. He's showing Joel a wooden toy pick up truck and proudly states:

"Car."

"Car, that's right, "Joel says and takes it from him, adding it to the collection of wooden toys in his lap. JJ promptly turns and bows down to a box that's fallen over which must have resulted in the dozens of wood toys strewn across the floor.

JJ chooses another toy and plants it in Joel's waiting hand. "Dog."

Joel squints at the toy, giving it a closer look. "That's actually a fox, but I'll let it pass. God knows it's not my proudest work."

JJ looks from Joel at the toy and promptly takes it back, turning it over in his little hands. "Fox," he says, drawing out the F as if getting used to a new word. Then he looks over at Joel like he's awaiting his approval.

Joel smiles at him. "You're a smart fella, I'll give you that."

JJ steps forward and drops the fox in Joel's lap and the spiel begins anew.

Ellie watches Joel being a Grandfather to JJ and a physical pain spreads through her chest. It pushes against her ribcage, chokes her lungs and crawls through her throat, so persistent and real that Ellie presses her hand on her sternum, trying to relieve the pressure. It doesn't work and the pain grows and grows until the walls of Ellie's chest are filled with it.

"A giraffe!" JJ suddenly calls out, almost shoving the animal in Joel's face. He grabs a fistful of his pajamas, grinning broadly at Joel. "Like mine!"

Joel laughs quietly. "You like giraffes, huh."

JJ nods and after giving the giraffe another look he very carefully stows it away in the front pocket of his pajama top.

That startles a laugh out of Ellie and Joel and JJ both turn their heads at her.

"Looks like you're not getting that giraffe back anytime soon."

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Not long," she assures him, making her way to the couch.

JJ smiles and waves at her. "Hi."

"Hi yourself," she says and sits down next to Joel.

"Did we wake you?" he asks.

"Did you tip over that chest?"

"JJ did."

"Then you woke me." Ellie takes a look around. "Is Tommy awake, too, or...?"

"Not anymore." Joel gestures at JJ. "I took over his shift."

"How long have you been awake?"

"JJ about an hour, I'm heading towards three."

JJ comes and gives Joel another toy. "What's this?"

Ellie is surprised by how much and how clearly he can talk. When she left for Santa Barbara, JJ was still just babbling. To think she missed all of that...

"Owl," Joel says, then repeats it slowly and clearly, so JJ can speak after him.

JJ is fixing his eyes on Joel, concentrating on putting the word together. "Owl."

"That's right."

And JJ's off again, looking for his next treasure.

"You're good with him," Ellie says. "How often do you see him?"

"I don't," Joel answers, studying the owl in his hand. "This is my first time." He lays the owl on the couch (his lap is getting a little full). "Probably gonna be my last too."

Ellie takes the owl in her hand, running her thumb over the smooth wood. She gives Joel a careful glance, trying to imagine what must be going through his head. "I heard Ellie and Dina are leaving for Maine?"

"At least that's what Tommy said."

"East coast is a long way from here."

"It's damn near Canada is what it is."

"That what kept you up tonight?"

Joel sighs. "Might be."

Ellie looks at the wooden owl again and all the other small carvings that are perfectly sized to fit into kids hands, and that persistent sting in her chest makes itself known again. "You made all these yourself, didn't you? For a kid you never get to see."

Joel shoots her a quick glance, a rare vulnerability in his eyes. "We had a long winter – it was something to do."

Before Ellie can say anything more, JJ comes again, but this time to her.

"Ellie, look!" he says, showing her his newest find. "Your guitar." He drops it into her palm and Ellie closes her hand around it.

"Thanks, buddy," she says, but can't bring herself to look at the guitar.

JJ promptly turns and heads straight for Joel's guitar, grabbing it by the neck with both hands. Getting it over to them proves to be a bit of struggle, mainly because the damn thing is taller than him, so Joel helps him along a little.

"You want another song?"

JJ drags the guitar past Joel, stopping at Ellie. "I want Ellie to play."

And Ellie suddenly feels cold all over. "Uhm, JJ, I can't–"

He looks at her, not understanding a thing. His Ellie probably plays for him all the time, so how should Ellie even begin to explain why she can't play?

She looks into JJ's innocent, brown eyes. There's so much of Dina and Jesse in there, two people Ellie misses fiercely and also the two people she trusted with almost anything. The two best friends anyone could hope for and even if she never sees them again she owes them this much:

Ellie holds out her left hand, holding it for JJ to see. "I can't play for you." That sentence cuts into her throat like she just swallowed glass.

JJ's eyes are fixed on the spot where Ellie's ring and little finger should be. He reaches out a hand – Ellie fights the urge to pull hers away – and lays it on the stumps.

"Ouch?"

A wet laugh escapes her. "Yeah, ouch, a little bit."

And that's that. No questions asked, no explanation needed. JJ drags the guitar back to Joel for him to play. Joel meets Ellie's eyes, a silent question of Is that okay with you? There's a bit of something else in there too. Pride maybe, and relief. Ellie gives a barely noticeable nod and Joel grabs the guitar, while JJ climbs into the armchair to listen.

Joel begins by plucking the notes, deep sounds resonating through the room.

Goodbye darkness, hello to the light.

Ellie's heart skips a beat when she realises she knows that song. Joel played it for her once, years ago, when she couldn't sleep and came sneaking into his house in the middle of the night. Her attempt at stealth hadn't worked, of course, and he'd come downstairs to see what was wrong. Can't sleep is all Ellie had told him, and without asking for an explanation Joel had grabbed his guitar and began playing that song for her. It does have a bit of a lullaby sound to it and Ellie had fallen asleep right there on Joel's couch.

Back then Ellie hadn't quite understood why those nightmare plagued nights drew her to Joel's house, why she slept better on that old couch of his than in her own bed. The realization came years later when she noticed that JJ slept better tucked between Ellie and Dina than alone in his crib.

It was safety. Security. Knowing there was someone watching over her and nothing bad could possibly happen.

Ellie watches JJ's eyes getting heavier, each blink slower than the one before. She bets her life that JJ would have fallen asleep right there if it hadn't been for Tommy stumbling into the room, squinting at them through bleary eyes and grumbling something about early fuckin' risers.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Ellie comes down from her shower that morning and steps into the kitchen. She expects Joel and Tommy to still be sitting at the breakfast table where she left them, but Joel is nowhere to be seen and Tommy is standing at the sink, washing the dishes.

“He’s out,” he says at her questioning look around, “walking the dog.”

“Oh.”

And JJ is sleeping, which means Ellie is alone with Tommy.

Awkward.

Not quite sure what to do with herself and figuring it would be kind of a dick move to just turn and leave, Ellie grabs a towel and begins drying the dishes Tommy has cleaned. He sends her a small, lopsided smile that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. They don’t look much alike, the two brothers, but that smile of Tommy’s has always reminded her of Joel.

Ellie looks away.

“So,” Tommy says, after the silence gets too awkward, “this is weird, right?”

 Ellie glances at him, just long enough to see that that smile is still there. “Yeah, a little.”

“Parallel universes… Who woulda thunk, huh?”

“Is that what we’re calling it?”

“It’s what Joel is calling it. He hasn’t told you?”

“Uh… no, we haven’t… talked much the last couple of days.” Ellie reaches for another plate, ignoring Tommy’s eyes on her. She scrubs and scrubs, definitely more forcefully than that poor plate deserves, but Tommy is still staring at her and if Ellie doesn’t come up with something to say within the next five seconds, he’s definitely going to ask what’s wrong.  She puts the plate away, before it shatters in her hands and reaches for a mug. “So, uh… you and the other Ellie… you guys are close? She lives with you, right?”

“Uh, yeah, I reckon we are,” Tommy says and finally goes back to washing the dishes. “She lives in a trailer on my land, and half the time Dina and Jesse are there too, which means lucky me gets to see the kid a lot.”

“Yeah, I noticed. He likes you.”

So did her JJ. The few times Tommy had come by the farmhouse, they had trouble pulling JJ from Tommy’s lap. Not that that was particularly surprising. Kids just like Tommy – it’s always been that way. Although, Ellie thinks with a clench of her heart, that may have changed since they got back from Seattle. Tommy can’t exactly fool around and have water gun fights with the kids anymore.

This Tommy, however, Ellie can definitely see having water gun fights and snowball fights… She can see him taking the kids sledding and chasing them through the playground. When Ellie looks at this Tommy, she sees someone with a young man’s heart. She sees the man Tommy once was. The years have been kind to him, that’s for sure. He looks good. Healthy. Fit even. His hair is still mostly blond with a few gray strands here and there. He still has that youthful glint in his eyes, and with a look at his left hand Ellie confirms that his wedding ring is still in place.

Good for him.

Ellie presses her lips together, as so often caught between gratitude that at least life for the people she loves is working out somewhere, and jealousy because why couldn’t that life be hers?

“Getting kids to like you ain’t that hard,” Tommy says, handing her a glass. “You just gotta let them know you’re paying attention to them. You know, let them know they’re important.” And with a smirk he adds, “and you gotta let them do things their parents won’t let them do. But I’m pretty sure it’s more about the first two things, yeah...”

Ellie breathes a laugh and Tommy smiles.

“Don’t tell Joel, but that’s how I won Sarah.”

“Oh, I see, so it was a competition?”

“You’re damn right it was. And lemme tell you, Sarah knew exactly how to use that to her advantage. She always told each of us that the other one was her favorite, so Joel and I would constantly try to one up each other.” Tommy smiles fondly, pausing in his movements for a moment. "She was a smart kid, Sarah. A good kid."

Now it's Ellie's turn to pause, pondering that wistful expression on Tommy’s face.  "What happened to her?"

Tommy's smile turns apologetic. A little sad. "Ain't my story to tell."

Right.

Ellie sighs. "No, I guess not."

"What about your Joel, though?"

Ellie winces. "What?"

"He a good grandpa to JJ?"

The glass in Ellie's hand shatters, the shards scattering over the floor. "Fuck, sorry." If JJ comes through here he'll have splinters in his feet. She turns around, eyes flying over Joel's cabinets. Where does he keep a hand brush? "Shit, let me just–"

"Woah, Ellie, slow down. You're getting blood all over the counter."

She stops, looking at her left hand. There's blood running down her fingers into her palm from a dozen little cuts. It looks like her stumps have started bleeding again. Maybe they have. Maybe Ellie is still at the beach. Her ears are roaring with the sound of the ocean, her nostrils are filled with the smell of salt and iron and... rust. 

You came deep as any ocean 

Did something out there hear?

"Hey. Ellie."

Ellie comes back with a start, staring at the towel Tommy is pressing into her bleeding hand. He stares at her with a mixture of confusion and worry.

"You with me?"

Ellie blinks, nods her head. "Yeah. Shit, I'm sorry."

"You're okay. Just take a breath."

Ellie does as she's told. It sounds a little shaky, but at least the roaring in her ears disappears.

"Easy does it. I'm gonna take a look at your hand, alright?"

Ellie nods and Tommy lifts the towel. It's got a few blood spots, but it's not so bad. Just a few small cuts – nothing to fret over.

"Joel's gotta have band-aids around here somewhere..."

"Cabinet on the left, " Ellie answers, "last drawer."

Yeah, she opened that drawer a lot back in the day, and at least half of those times were because Joel had cut himself whittling.

Tommy gets the band-aids and sits her down at the table. "Gimme your hand."

Ellie does, staring at the mess on the floor. "I'm gonna clean that up, before JJ–"

"Don't you worry about that now."

Tommy applies band-aid after band-aid with the same care and concentration her Tommy used when cleaning his rifle. He doesn't ask about her missing fingers, handles them just as gently as the rest of her hand. Ellie's heart swells at the sight of him. It bruises and turns itself blue with the ache of missing him. It's different from missing Dina and JJ, or even Jesse and Joel, because she knows that, even if she makes it home, this is not the Tommy she will return to. If Ellie makes it home she will miss Tommy just as fiercely as she does now, and he will feel just as far away. The Tommy Ellie once knew is gone and she feels his loss just as keenly as any other.

"There. All done," he says, but what Ellie hears is You let me know if you wanna talk about it, and her next words leave her mouth before she’s even consciously decided to speak.

"He's dead." 

Tommy looks at her, startled. "Who is?"

"Joel."

Tommy laughs. "I wouldn't jump to any conclusions yet, he's only been gone twenty minutes."

"No, I mean my Joel back home, in my world. He's dead." Ellie swallows, trying to keep her lips from trembling. "And so is Jesse. And Tess."

Tommy is not laughing anymore. He looks at Ellie like he's waiting for the punchline to drop, but none comes. "Shit, you're not kidding."

Ellie shakes her head, lets her hand drop to the table.

Tommy stares at her. "What happened?"

"How much did Joel tell you about my world?"

"Just that it's some kind of zombie-apokalypse."

"Something like that, yeah." Ellie stares at her hand, counting the band aids. There's four of them and Ellie focuses on the pain behind them to ground herself. "Tess died sacrificing herself so Joel and I could get out of Boston. But she also got bit, so if she hadn't gotten shot trying to buy us some time, she'd have turned. Jesse got shot trying to help, and Joel– " That's where her voice leaves her, stuck in her dry throat. She clenches her hand to a fist, feels the sting of her cuts.

She's right here at this table, not at the beach and not in that basement.

"Joel was killed because of something he did. For me. He saved my life and that made a lot of people angry, and the craziest thing is that the girl who killed him works in a store twenty minutes from here, same girl I tried to kill, only it's not her, you know? Same as you're not my Tommy, and every time I look at Joel I need to remind myself that, nope, my Joel died in a pool of his own blood while I could do nothing but watch, so yeah. I've been avoiding him, and you know what?" Ellie looks at a blurry vision of Tommy, only now noticing the tears in her eyes and the wild beat of her heart. "It's not easy, cause I really fucking miss him, but looking at him is even harder, and I just keep thinking–" she stops, breath caught in her chest. "Maybe it's finally my turn to lose my mind."

Ellie releases her breath, but doesn't dare blink for fear her tears will spill over.

Tommy is quiet, but he's always been a loud listener. His silence speaks, while Joel's had embraced. It doesn't make him a better or worse listener. Sometimes, like now, Ellie needs his loud silence, so it can drown out her own.

"That sounds... like you've been through hell," Tommy finally says. "I'm really sorry you had to go through all of that. For whatever that's worth, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too," Ellie says, but she can barely hear herself. "I'm sorry that Tess got bit because of me and I'm sorry Jesse died for me. I'm sorry I left Dina and JJ alone, and I'm sorry there won't ever be a cure, that I can't make anyone immune. I'm sorry I was such an asshole to Joel for two years, I'm sorry for letting Tommy down, I'm sorry for holding a knife to Lev's throat. And I'm sorry for killing that pregnant woman, I'm–" she cuts herself off, taking a shaky breath. "I'm sorry for a lot of things."

Tommy almost smiles. "Yeah, it sure sounds like it. It also sounds like there's a lot more to all these apologies, so... I'll listen... if you feel like talking."

Ellie does not feel like talking. Talking hurts. Quite frankly, it feels like throwing up a brick. It brings memories to the surface and could have beens, guilt and regret, anger and hate, and Ellie really doesn't want to talk about it. She's said too much already, no way she's going to let another word about this leave her mouth.

"Okay."

Ellie tells him everything.

"Jesus Christ, Ellie."

More like Fucking hell, Ellie.

"That's a lot."

"Yeah." Yeah, it fucking is.

Tommy takes a breath. "What does Joel know? This Joel."

"Not much. He knows about the fungus and the world going to shit. He knows Jesse is dead, but doesn't know why, and he knows I left Dina and JJ to go to Santa Barbara, but I didn't explain that either."

"So, he knows nothing really. Nothing that really matters."

Ellie says nothing.

"Ellie."

"What."

"You need to tell him."

"Why?"

"Because he needs to know. "

"Why? What happened in my world doesn't concern him. It doesn't matter. Once I'm gone, none of this will matter. He's just better off not knowing what a shit show my life has been."

"Then why have you told me?"

That gives her a pause. "Because you're... you're you. You're just... easier to talk to sometimes."

"You're afraid of telling him."

"What? No, I'm not."

"Yeah, you are. You're afraid of letting loose, of letting go. And you're afraid of letting yourself see this as the chance it really is."

"Shut up, you got it wrong."

Tommy smiles. It looks terribly gentle. "I know you, Ellie Miller."

"That's... that's not my name."

"’course it is. It might not be on paper, but under all that skin and bones, you are that man's daughter."

Ellie has no idea what to say to that, which is why she's never been so relieved to hear steps on the porch. Both Ellie and Tommy look first toward the door, then back at each other.

"Promise me you won't tell Joel any of this."

"Ellie–"

"Tommy, please."

He studies her for a moment – Ellie hates how sad he looks – until they hear the door opening, then he sighs.

"Okay," he says, and Ellie pretends to be relieved.

Chapter Text

Ellie

Tommy leaves the next day.

Ellie and Joel walk him out to his car, watch him strap JJ into the kid's seat. JJ waves at them, opening and closing his hand. "Bye," he says, as Ellie and Joel wave back. Then he leans back in his seat, hands folded around that little wooden giraffe he refused to leave behind, and everything in Ellie aches to go to him, hold him to her chest and never let him go again. But she doesn't do any of that. Ellie just stands there, rooted to the spot, and a part of her wonders how many goodbyes a person can take, until they have none left to give.

Tommy says his goodbyes to Joel first. They share a quick hug and a pat on the back and then it's Ellie's turn. He stops in front of her for a moment, hesitating, but then he smiles a What am I gonna do with you kind of smile, and steps forward and hugs her. Ellie stiffens at first but then she sinks into it, allowing herself to close her eyes for a second and relish in this. She misses Tommy, really fucking badly, and maybe this Tommy notices just how badly she needs this moment because he holds her just a bit tighter.

"Don't waste this," he whispers into her ear and then he's gone. He walks away from her, gets into his car and backs out of the driveway. Before he drives away, though, he rolls down the window, props his arm on the door and says, "hey, Ellie? If you see your Tommy again, you give him an ass kicking from me."

And then he's off.

Joel turns to her. "What was that about?"

Ellie swallows. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

That evening Ellie sits at the desk in her room, earbuds in, journal out, scribbling away. She hasn't written a song in ages, doesn't really see the point in it when she can't even play anymore. So what she does instead is listen to music and write down the lyrics that stick with her. She's got her head pillowed on one arm, journal in arms reach, leaving behind messy shards of her mind.

Spent all night trying to remember your face
Like trying to get blood from a stone
But there was nothing to save

She thinks about what Tommy said to her - that she is too afraid to see this whole thing as the chance it is.

Chance for what? And what did he mean by Don't waste this?

This isn't Ellie's world – there's nothing to waste and no second chance. She's just a spectator and for some reason, life or fate or fucking karma for all she knows, chose to punish her one more time by giving her this taste of a life she could have had.

And the backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done

What is the point in all of this? What's the lesson Ellie doesn't understand? A part of her wants to scream at the sky and the universe, I get it, okay? I fucked up, I made a huge fucking mistake, and I fucking get it! Now just leave me alone!

But instead of mindlessly screaming at the universe, Ellie grips her pen like she’s trying to choke it and carves the words into the page.

When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

She goes over the lines again and again, until the ink bleeds through the paper. As the ink stain grows, she wonders if that is what the inside of her chest looks like. Is there just a big, black stain, slowly swallowing her up? 

With a sigh Ellie lifts her heavy head, taking a look outside. She sees Joel crossing the yard, heading to the garage. Once again she's taken aback by the very solidness of him. His heavy steps leave imprints in the grass, proving that he is so, so horribly real.

Ellie relaxes the death grip on her pen, holds it a little gentler.

So persistent in my ways 
Hey, angel, I am here to stay

But just as she writes that last word her pen runs out of ink and stay fades into nothingness.

Ellie lifts the pen off the page, sits back and stares at the disappearing word.

How fucking ironic.

She can't leave it like that.

Ellie gets up – walkman stowed in the pocket of her hoodie – and searches her backpack for a pen, but finds none. She searches through the drawer of her desk – no luck.

Then she remembers she saw one in Joel's nightstand when she went looking for his glasses, so she makes her way over there, rummages through the drawer and finds the pen by a small note pad and... a letter.

Now, Ellie wouldn't have given that letter a second thought if it weren't for the two addresses on it. One is Joel's, here in Jackson, and the other one is Ellie's in Texas.

Frowning, Ellie presses stop on her walkman and takes her earbuds out.

This kinda looks a whole lot like Joel has a letter from Ellie just casually lying in his nightstand, and it must have lain there for a while. The ink of Ellie's address is all smudged as if Joel kept rubbing a finger over it. The envelope itself is wrinkled and worn, almost as if he crumbled it to a ball and then straightened it out again. What's even more confusing is that, when Ellie turns the letter around, she notices that it's still sealed, which means he probably hasn't even read it.

Why would Joel keep an unread letter from Ellie in his nightstand?

Staring at her name on the envelope, Ellie forgets all about the pen and her journal. Driven by a sense of determination, she makes her way outside and barges into Joel's workshop.

"What the hell is this?"

Joel whirls around, surprise on his face, until he spots the letter in Ellie's hand. His expression darkens, his back tenses. "That's none of your business."

"It's from Ellie – it is my business. When did this come?"

"Ellie–"

"Joel. When did this come?"

Joel holds her gaze for another moment, but Ellie doesn't back down. She needs to know. "Tell me."

Joel visibly gives in, shoulders dropping. "It's not..." He trails off.

Ellie waits, eyebrows raised. "It's not what?"

"It's about nine months old," he sighs.

"Nine months..." Ellie pauses, letting that number sink in. "You're telling me you've spent the past nine months feeling sorry for yourself because she left, all while you've been sitting on a letter from her?”

"It ain't like that–"

"Oh yeah? Go on then, why haven't read it?"

Joel stands there, giving her that dark look Ellie rarely got directed at herself. "That's none of your damn business."

"No? Well, fuck that. If you're not gonna read it, I will." Ellie moves her finger under the flap of the letter-

"Don't open that letter, Ellie, you don't know what you're talking about."

"So explain it to me. Cause the way I see it this could be an invitation. You could just drive down there, have a nice little chat and smooth things over. Ever thought of that?"

"Ellie, she hates me."

"No, she fucking doesn't. She may think she does, maybe she ever wishes she did, but she doesn't hate you, Joel. "

He shakes his head, the color has left his face, and his voice comes out strained as if he's run out of air. "You don't know that."

"Of course I know that. I'm her, remember? Only I got a shit deal in life and I screwed up big time and I can't ever make it right. But you? You have no idea how lucky you are. What's fucking stopping you from going over there?"

Ellie stops, looking at Joel for an answer but he's not even looking at her. He's pressing a hand to his chest, stumbling back into his work bench.

"Joel?"

He draws in a sharp breath tries to at least. "Ah, shit." And then his legs give out.

"Joel!"

Ellie crosses the room in no time, dropping to the next to him

"Joel? What's going on?" Her hands are hovering over his chest where his fingers are digging into his sternum.

"Heart attack."

"What?"

"Call an ambulance." He's barely struggled the words out, when his eyes roll back in his head and his hand goes limp.

"No, no, no, no, Joel?" Ellie cups his face in her hands, feeling his clammy skin and sweaty forehead. "Joel, wake up." He doesn't react. "Joel, wake up, you need to tell me what to do. I don't know how any of this shit works." But Joel stays still. Ellie takes his limp hand in hers, crushing his fingers. She needs to calm down. She needs to calm the fuck down.

Don't get a panic attack.

Ambulance.

Joel said she needs to call an ambulance, so where is his phone?

She pads his pockets-

"Where the fuck is your phone?"

There. Inside pocket of his jacket. With trembling fingers she searches for the call icon, taps on it and–

The number.

What the fuck is the number?

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

She's this close to throwing the damn thing across the room and just carrying Joel to the hospital, when she sees Emergency at the bottom corner of the screen.

She damn near punches it.

"Emergency services, what is your situation?"

"I need a fucking ambulance."

Joel

Joel wakes to glaring overhead lights, a raging headache and a pain in his chest like someone brought a sledgehammer down on him.

"Jesus..."

A blurry face comes into vision.

"Joel?"

"Hm-mh. Gimme a sec."

The blurry face sharpens into a very not-pleased Ellie. "You have a heart condition."

Joel narrows his eyes against the glaring lights. "Yeah. I know."

"Yeah, well, I fucking didn't."

"How long have I–"

"Were you ever gonna tell me?"

Joel swallows past his dry throat. Christ, he'd kill for a water. "Didn't plan to."

Ellie gives him a flat look "You're a dick." And then she leaves his line of sight, coming back a moment later with a glass of water. Thank God. "Here."

Joel gingerly sits up, grimacing at the pain in his chest. He doesn't remember it hurting that much last time.

"Does Ellie know?"

Joel stops with the glass raised halfway to his mouth, glancing at Ellie. There's a bitter curve to her mouth. She looks tired. Disappointed, like she already knows the answer to that question.

Joel drinks from his water. "Know what?"

"Cut the bullshit, Joel, does she know you had a heart attack nine months ago, or not?"

Joel sets the glass down. "No, and she don't need to."

Ellie shakes her head in disbelief. "I can't fucking believe you. Don't you think she'd want to know? That she wouldn't come back in a heartbeat if she knew you could die tomorrow?"

"I ain't dying to tomorrow–" 

"You don't know that."

"–and that's exactly why I didn't tell her. I don't want her to come back just because she feels like she has to, or out of some sense of running out of time."

"Newsflash, Joel, you are running out of time. You don't know what's gonna happen next. You could die tomorrow, whether by heart attack or whatever. Ellie could die tomorrow. Ever thought of that? Whatever happened to Sarah could just as easily happen to–"

"Don't finish that sentence."

"Let me guess, I'm treading on some thin ice here."

Joel raises a shaking finger at her. "Don't you ever use Sarah against me."

In that moment the door to the room bursts open and Doctor Carter steps in, head buried in a clipboard. He looks up, stopping in his tracks, eyes jumping between Joel and Ellie. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Nope," Ellie says, grabbing her jacket off the chair (a jacket that looks a whole lot like his jacket), "I was just leaving." She brushes past Carter, slamming the door on her way out.

The room is left in a defeaning silence.

Carter blinks at the door. "Alright, then," he says, overly cheery, and turns to Joel. "So, second heart attack in nine months, how are we feeling about that?"

Joel releases a shaky breath. "Pissed apparently."

"Yeah, no offense, but if my Dad had a heart- condition he didn't tell me about and then proceeded to have a heart attack and I was left to give him chest compression till the ambulance arrived–" Carter drops the clipboard at Joel's feet– "I'd be pretty pissed, too." 

Joel pauses. "Chest compressions ?"

"Yup. You went into cardiac arrest, Joel, that means your heart stopped beating. Good thing you live so close to the hospital - the ambulance only took six minutes to arrive at your house. Six minutes makes 600 chest compressions, if one can hold that tempo for so long. And in case you were wondering why your chest feels like somebody dropped a house on you, that's probably why."

Joel swallows with a look at the door.

"You're damn lucky you're still alive."

Joel looks at Carter. "Trying to make me feel guilty?"

The doc smiles. It looks a little evil. "Yes. And it's working." He steps next to Joel, pulling a stethoscope from his coat. "But guilt-tripping aside – how are you feeling? Been under a lot of stress recently?"

Joel thinks back on the last two weeks and releases a deep, deep sigh. "You could say that."

Chapter Text

Ellie

Her hands won't stop shaking. Ellie stares down at her palms, trying to lose the feeling of Joel's chest caving in under her weight. As solid as he's always seemed to Ellie, when she felt his bones give away under the force of her hands he had felt terrifyingly fragile, like anything could break him.

Ellie touches her thumbs to the tips of her fingers. Her calluses are long gone, but when she was crushing Joel's hand in hers she could feel his. Hardened skin, made tougher by decades of doing something he loves, of tending to that love.

Ellie wonders if that is the lesson she came here to learn. That love and pain aren't exclusive, and that to love someone means to endure the pain that comes with it.

Endure and survive, right?

"You looking for Abby?"

Ellie snaps her head up and finds Lev standing in front of her.

"She's inside," he says with a nod toward the store.

"I, uhm..." She folds her hands, looking past Lev at the glass doors. "I haven't decided yet."

Lev puts his hands into the pockets of his jacket. Something about that looks vaguely familiar to Ellie, and then it hits her. He's wearing Abby's bomber jacket.

Ellie swallows and looks away.

"You should see her."

"Why's that."

"Cause she's been all weird since... you know... last time."

Ellie wipes a hand over her nose, looking anywhere but at Lev. "Do you even remember any of that?"

"I remember you. Things could have gone a lot worse if you hadn't shown up."

Ellie balls her hand to a fist, until her nails are digging into her palm. She remembers her knife there, holding it to the boy's throat.

"You really don't know shit about me."

Lev shrugs. "Maybe not, but you seem to know something about Abby and that makes her nervous."

Ellie snorts. She's the one that makes Abby nervous? Real fucking funny, that.

"I really think you should talk to her," Lev says. "I promise she's not as mean she seems."

Ellie keeps the bitter laugh to herself.

Lev does a half turn, pointing at the door. "I'm going inside, are you coming?"

Ellie unclenches her hands. They've stopped shaking. She takes a breath, looks at Lev. "Okay."

Abby is working at the cash desk when they get inside, counting the money or something. She looks up when the bell above the door jingles, a smile on her face that vanishes as soon as she spots Ellie.

"Did I not make myself clear when I said get the fuck out of my store?"

"She just wants to talk, Abby."

She looks at Lev, some of the anger leaving her features. That marks the second time Ellie has seen Lev acting as the voice of reason. Too bad he wasn't there when she killed Joel.

"We got nothing to talk about," Abby says.

"I think you do." Lev walks around the counter, leaving Ellie's side

Abby catches his eye, ignoring Ellie completely. "Hey, tonight's movie night," she says more quietly, but Ellie can still hear her and something about that 'movie night' has her lowering her gaze, shifting her weight.

They have movie nights...

"There'll be time for movie night tomorrow. And I have homework anyway, which I'm going to do in there–" Lev points at the back room– "while you two can stay here and talk things out."

And just like that he's backed out, closing the door with a click. He might as well have flipped a switch because Abby is back to her usual self in no time.

"Look, I don't know who you think you are or who you think I am, but if you're not out of my sight by the time I've finished this sentence–"

"I'm Ellie."

Abby narrows her eyes. "What?"

"My name's Ellie, and almost two years ago someone very dear to me was killed and you look a whole lot like the girl who killed him, so... that's why I freaked out on you and why l've been so... stalker-ish. " Ellie steps back, lifting her hands in a placating manner. "That's it. That's all I wanted to say. I'll leave."

Ellie backs out of the store. She's almost reached the door when–

"Wait."

She turns. 

"Maybe we do have something to talk about."

Ellie hesitates for a moment, mustering Abby. She doesn't look angry anymore. Ellie can't quite put a name to the feeling that's displayed on Abby's face, but it's something complicated. Something troubled. Something that looks an awful lot like what Ellie imagines she'd find in her own face if she had the courage to look into the mirror.

Ellie swallows and steps back inside. She didn't exactly expect to have a heart to heart with Abby, nor is she sure she particularly wants one, and Abby doesn't seem all that eager either. She sighs like she's already tired of the situation and waves a dismissive hand.

"Sit down or whatever. I'm gonna need a drink for this."

Ellie looks around. "Sit down where?"

"I don't know, on the counter?" And with that she disappears into the backroom.

Ellie briefly contemplates just leaving – Abby would probably be relieved, too – but she stays. As much as she doesn't want to have this conversation, maybe she needs it. She hops onto the counter right as Abby comes back with two cans of beer.

"Here." She hands Ellie a beer and plants herself next to her with about as much distance between them as the counter will allow.

Ellie is just fine with that.

And then they just sit there in silence. Abby is looking at her beer like she's expecting it to start the conversation. She shifts her jaw, takes a sip from the can and still doesn't say a word.

Ellie looks at her own unopened beer. "So..." she starts, "what do you think we gotta talk about?"

Abby's tense shoulders deflate with a rushed exhale. "Shit, I don't know. I guess... You said someone close to you was killed?"

"Yep."

"Well, I... I can actually empathize with that."

Ellie huffs. "Can you."

"Yeah, my Dad... About six years ago somebody killed my Dad."

Ellie is glad she didn't open her beer. The force with which she's gripping the can would have sent the whole content flying in her face.

Killed fathers, is it...

"Great, so we have that in fucking common."

"Your Dad is the one who got killed?"

Ellie almost laughs, rubbing her thumb and forefinger over her eyes. Here she is having a heart to heart with Joel's kind-of-killer. Fuck, maybe she does need that beer. "He wasn't exactly my Dad, but he was the closest thing I ever had to one." And then she opens her beer to distract herself from her next sentence. "I sure loved him like one."

Abby nods, looking at the door to the back room where Lev is doing his homework. "Blood doesn't make family," she says and Ellie is once again reminded of the scene on the beach.

I got you.

She bites the inside of her cheek, thinking of all the times Joel said that to her.

Ellie nods at the door. "How'd you meet him?"

"Not so different from how you met him," Abby says, sounding very bitter all of a sudden. "I met his sister first. She came in here right before closing time, looking for first aid supplies. I told her we didn't really sell any apart from bandaids and stuff, but she looked so scared that I gave her the ones I keep in the back. She ran out of the store to an old beat up car in the parking lot, but didn't drive away. I closed the store and went over there and saw her trying to stitch up a cut on Lev's cheek, and I happen to know a thing or two about stitching up wounds so... I helped them out." She shrugs, taking a sip from her beer. "Rest's history, I guess."

Ellie nods, for some reason feeling rather sick to her stomach. This version of Abby doesn't really compute with the picture Ellie has of her. Or maybe, when Ellie thinks about the beach, maybe it does and maybe that's even worse.

"Sounds like the kid is having a rough childhood."

"Yeah, you could say that. I swear, those fucking teenagers..." Abby rubs a hand down her face, frustration oozing off of her. She sighs. "His sister is in California. She's got a job there. As soon as she's saved enough money she's getting him out of here."

Ellie hums, rubbing her thumb through the condensation on the beer can. "And where will you be?"

Abby shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe I'll go with them, but... with my Dad's murderer still out there... I don't think there's anywhere I can really rest, you know?"

"Yeah," Ellie says, letting out a breath. "I know."

Abby has just put into words what Ellie has felt like the past months, only she is the last person Ellie wants understanding from.

"Worst of it all," Abby continues, "I know exactly who did it, but there's nothing I can do about it."

"Why not?"

"Because the police fucking suck at their job and nobody knows where he is. You'd think someone shooting up a medical conference with hundreds of witnesses would be easy enough to find."

And something... something about that sentence makes the gears in Ellie's head turn. "Medical conference?"

"Yeah, my Dad was a doctor, one of the best neurosurgeons in the country, but guess what, he couldn't perform miracles."

And that's the moment the gears click into place and a big, fat Oh appears in Ellie's head.

Abby's Dad. A neurosurgeon. Dead.

Why does that feel like the last piece of a puzzle Ellie didn't even know she was missing?

"One day this guy came into his office asking about his daughter. She had a brain tumor - a pretty bad one. My Dad operated on her and while she survived the surgery, she never woke up afterwards. It happens sometimes. They had to let her go, but this guy was just convinced they let her die, accused my Dad of being a murderer. Few weeks later my Dad was the lead speaker in a medical conference in Salt Lake, with hundreds of other doctors and neurosurgeons and this guy showed up and just shot the place up. Killed my Dad and just about everyone who stood in his way. And then he just up and vanished. No one has managed to find him yet, it's fucking pathetic. "

Ellie listens to Abby's story and while anyone with half a heart would have been shocked at what Abby has lived through, all Ellie can think is Oh. Of course. It feels like all this time she was looking at a tiny detail of a bigger picture and now she's zooming out and can finally see the whole thing.

Joel, her Joel, must have killed Abby's Dad because he was the doctor who was going to operate on Ellie, and that's why Abby came looking for him. It was never about the cure or even the Fireflies. Abby's Dad was taken from her and Abby did the only thing that felt right to her.

Ellie takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly.

It's a strange thing, after all this time, to feel the fog in her mind lift. To accept what happened. Ellie won't ever be able to forgive Abby and she won't ever be able to forget, but in a far away kind of way, she can understand.

"What about you?"

Ellie snaps back into the present. "Huh?"

"You said your Dad got killed. What happened?"

"Uhm... " Ellie rubs a hand over the sore muscle of her arm. "It's kind of... "

"Complicated?"

"You could say that. He, uh... " Christ, how can she even begin to explain that whole mess in a way this Abby would understand? "Let's just say he was at the wrong place at the wrong time and someone from his past felt like getting payback. I was there. I saw it happen and I couldn't do anything to help him."

"Jesus, and you thought I was the one who did it?"

"No, I knew you weren't really her, you're just... pretty much the spitting image of her so..."

With a raise of her eyebrows Abby looks down at her beer and sets it down between them. "Honestly, I'm kind of impressed by you. If I thought my Dad's murderer stood before me I'd go for his throat, screw the consequences. "

Is that right...

Ellie purses her lips. "Yeah, I believe you," she says and promptly takes a sip from her beer.

"Did they ever get her?"

Ellie nods slowly. "Kind of, she's... very far away from here."

She does wonder sometimes what became of them. Abby and Lev, somewhere out there. Maybe they found a home somewhere, or maybe they crashed their boat. Maybe they're trying their best with the hands they're dealt, maybe a Clicker got them. It doesn't really matter. Whatever happens to them is no longer in Ellie's hands. She's let them go.

"Hey, Ellie?"

Ellie twitches, a shiver running down her spine. Hearing her name in Abby's voice... She's not sure she likes it. It sounds a little too familiar. A little too human. Or maybe Ellie just isn't used to hearing her own name spoken aloud with so little behind it. There's no anger, no fear, no worry, no love, no disappointment, no nothing. It's just a name and they're just two girls and they have more in common than Ellie even realised.

She turns her head and sees Abby's outstretched hand. She frowns, looks at Abby. There's a tiny half- smile on her lips and a warmth in her eyes Ellie hasn't expected to see.

"Good talk," she says, and Ellie–

Ellie lifts her hand and slowly lays it in Abby's. It lasts for only a moment – Abby's hand tightening around hers, the warmth of her touch, the feeling of the bones of her hand under Ellie's fingers. In another world that hand held the club that ended Joel's life and here it's holding Ellie's hand, but before Ellie can even think about what that means, the moment is over. Abby pulls her hand back and Ellie looks at hers, flexing her fingers. She's not sure what she's expecting to find there, after all, nothing has changed. Ellie just shook hands with the girl who, in another universe, is Joel's killer and well... her world keeps turning.

She walks home that night, relishing in the cool evening air. It's getting colder now with October just around the corner. Ellie rubs her arms against the cold, wincing when her sore muscles remind her of the six hundred or so chest compressions she did on Joel's heart. Turns out chest compressions are a great arm workout, but not the kind she needs any repetition of.

She shivers as the chilly wind blows past her, goosebumps breaking over her skin. She stops in the road, takes off her backpack and pulls out Joel's jacket. she hasn't worn it in a while, not until yesterday when she sat at Joel's bedside waiting for him to wake up. She pulls it on now, swings her backpack on her shoulders and buries her hands in the pockets. Her fingers hit something hard and cool and Ellie remembers that she put Joel's watch in there, as a way of keeping it close to him. She takes it out, looking at the broken glass. She wonders when that happened, the two holes in the face. Was it the same moment that Sarah died? Or was it just some dumb little accident?

Quarter past two. The moment time stood still for Joel.

She'll never know, will she? Her time with Joel has run out. It's over. She's not going to get even a second of it back.

But that doesn't mean that the same fate needs to happen to this Joel and his Ellie. In fact, as far as Ellie is concerned, fate can go fuck itself.

With a new sense of determination and maybe a little bit of pure fucking spite, Ellie stuffs the watch back in Joel's pocket and marches homeward.

She is going to try her damn hardest to get this Joel and his Ellie those Future Days she didn't get to have and that starts with getting Joel and Ellie to talk to each other.

Chapter Text

Joel

"Look, miss–"

"I'm married."

Joel feels like letting out a very long sigh. He resists the urge. "Ma'am. I am a grown man, capable of making my own decisions as this signed form of Leaving against medical advice clearly states. Now, if you would be so kind as to release me..."

The young woman at the reception doesn't look all that impressed by him.

"You're the guy with the heart attack, right?"

Joel has a feeling that won't work in his favor.

"That means I can't let you leave on your own, no matter how grown and capable of making your own decisions you may be. You in a driver's seat is a safety hazard, plus this," she says pointing at the form in his hand, "makes me doubt your judgment.”

Joel ignores that last remark – he's heard it before. "I'll call a taxi."

Undeterred, the woman keeps typing into her computer. "Is the taxi driver going to stay home with you?"

Joel says nothing.

"I thought so. You're going to have to call someone to pick you up. Friends or family."

"What if I have no friends or family?"

The nurse checks a different monitor. "Your room is still available."

"No, thanks." Joel turns, casting a longing gaze down the hall where the exit doors are. Briefly, he entertains the idea of making a run for it, but he doesn't really feel like getting tackled by one of these security guards.

He turns back to the young nurse, but she's not there anymore. A colleague, a woman closer to his own age has taken her place. That lifts his spirits a bit – the older ones are usually much easier to convince.

"Pardon, ma'am, I've signed this form of Leaving against medical advice –"

"Someone there to pick you up?"

The world's gotta be messing with him.

"Actually, I'm picking him up."

Joel turns around to see... Tess stalking toward the reception.

"I'm his wife, where do I sign?"

Joel gives the nurse an expectant look, the nurse raises both eyebrows at them, but gives Tess the paperwork. She signs it with a flourish then takes Joel's arm into both her hands.

"Come on, honey bear, let's get you home."

"Honey bear?" Joel says, closing the door to Tess's car in a very civilized way.

"A heart attack?" Tess positively shrieks, slamming the door close with such force Joel is surprised the window stays intact. "When were you gonna tell me?"

"How did you find out about that?"

Tess throws her phone at him and Joel fumbles to catch it. "Twenty-one unanswered text messages, a trip to your house, almost getting hit over the head with a frying pan and a long talk with Ellie from an alternate universe."

Joel stops scrolling through the text messages Tess has sent him (at least half of which are just his name in varying ways of capitalization and a rising number of exclamation marks) and stares at her. "You've met her."

"Yes, we've met," Tess says, pulling into traffic. "Thanks for the heads up, by the way."

"Well, to be fair, I didn't exactly expect you to break into my house."

"I have a key you dumbass, self absorbed, complete and utter son of a–"

"Red light!"

Tess slams into the brakes, while Joel slams a hand on the dashboard, so he won't be sent flying through the windshield. The driver of the car they've almost totaled, turns around, throwing his hands up as if to say what the hell and Tess flips him the bird.

And the nurse called him a safety hazard...

The light turns green and Tess continues her aggressive drive through town. Joel subtly reaches for the handle above the door.

"You really ought to drive more carefully, before you run someone–"

"Shut up. You're lucky I love you, you know, or I'd have left you in that hospital to rot."

Silence.

Joel doesn't breathe, giving Tess a surreptitious glance.

She's staring through the windshield, eyes narrowed in confusion. "Did I just say I love you?"

Joel clears his throat. "Uhm, yep."

She sighs, her white knuckled grip relaxing on the steering wheel. "Ignore that, I'm not in the mood."

"Uhm, okay."

Awkward silence ensues.

"So... " Joel drums his fingers on his thigh. "Why didn't Ellie come?"

"Cause you're a dick."

Joel sighs in defeat. "So I've been told."

Halican seems to be the only one who's happy to see him. He jumps up at him, wags his tail and whines like he hasn't seen him in weeks.

Joel bows down and gives him an extra good scratch.

"How's your heart?"

He looks up and finds Ellie standing in the hallway, arms crossed, not really looking any happier than when she stormed out of the hospital.

Joel looks at Tess. "Pretty good, actually."

She ignores him. Joel reckons that means she's still not in the mood. Alright then.

He puts his hands on his thighs and straightens up, much to Halican's dismay.

"So, uh, I hear you two have met?" he says, gesturing between Ellie and Tess.

"Yep," Ellie says and points at Tess. "She didn't know about your heart condition either."

Joel sighs. Is he ever going to live this down? "No, she did not."

"Does Tommy know?"

"Nope."

"Well, then who does know? Cause if you're about to tell me you live alone with a heart condition no one knows about, I will fucking punch you."

Joel thinks hard and fast and comes up with... half a dozen people actually, considering his first attack happened in public, but since all of these people are not only strangers, but also residing in Texas, he doubts that will satisfy Ellie, so he just says nothing, and Ellie takes his silence for an answer.

"You're so fucking stupid. What if I hadn't been there? What if next time no one's there? What if next time you fall face first into a ditch and just fucking drown, huh? Ever thought of that?"

"I don't plan for there being a next time," Joel says and even he realizes how naive that sounds. Next to him Tess just rolls her eyes, meanwhile Ellie looks even more pissed off than before, if that's possible.

"Oh, so you're just ignoring your reality now, is that it? You're just gonna hide from the truth and expect things to work out if you ignore them hard enough, cause you're so fucking good at that, aren't you?"

Joel bites his lip, shifting his weight. Ellie is... uncomfortably right, actually. He opens his mouth, not even sure what he wants to say, but Ellie doesn't let him speak anyway.

"You know what? Save it. We can talk once you've gotten it into your thick head that some people would actually be upset if something happened to you and that lying is a shitty way to protect someone."

And with that she stalks off – up the stairs and into her room. At least she doesn't slam the door.

"You're not having another heart attack, are you?"

Joel glances at Tess, but he can't quite bring himself to hold her gaze. "I'm fine," he says, but his shaking hands would prove otherwise.

A part of him – the part of him that was once called Dad – wants to go up the stairs, knock on her door and fix this. Maybe Joel has underestimated how big that part in him still is because he almost gets his legs moving, almost takes that step, but then he feels Tess's hand on his shoulder.

"I don't think that would be such a good idea."

And just like that the fight rushes out of him. He looks at Tess, at her sad smile and warm eyes.

"Yeah," he breathes out.

Tess pats his shoulder. "Come on, let's go for a walk. Your dog's been feeling neglected."

It's a cool evening. Tess has borrowed one of his jackets and has her hands buried in the pockets. Joel has Halican's leash bunched up in one hand and every now and then their arms brush. Joel doesn't feel the need to move away. It's comfortable walking together. Or it would be if there wasn't the overlaying shadow of what just transpired at the house. Joel is feeling the weight of Ellie's words and her anger quite keenly.

"You ever thought of retiring?"

Joel blinks down at Tess, a little taken aback by her question that has absolutely nothing to do with what's been going through his head. She's not looking at him, seemingly just enjoying the view of the mountains around them, and the sight of Halican trying to drag a branch along that's double his length.

"No," Joel says honestly.

"Not ever?"

"Well, retiring would require me to have a job, which I don't."

"Come on. You do work."

"Not in any official capacity. People call me to take care of their messes and I do it without any paperwork and without asking any questions."

Tess snorts. "You make it sound like you're some kind of paid killer."

"Well, I'm not quite that desperate yet, but if the call comes..."

Tess bumps her elbow with his, a crinkle of amusement playing around her eyes. "I'm being serious, Joel. Pretty sure having a heart condition makes you a candidate for early retirement. It's not even that early, I mean you're, what, sixty-two?"

"Fifty-seven and you damn well know it."

She smirks at him. "Try fifty-eight, it was your birthday a few days ago, remember?"

"I'd rather not. And my point still stands. Fifty-eight is no age to start thinking about retirement."

Tess hums. "So, you don't like thinking about the future and you'd rather chop off a hand than thinking about the past, so... Joel Miller, man of the present." She clicks her tongue. "That doesn't sound quite right either, does it."

"What are you getting at, Tess?"

She nods at a bench at the top of a hill, overlooking the entire town. "Let's sit down."

Joel doesn't really feel like having a sitting down kind of talk-he never does, really. But there are those kinds of talks one can run away from and then there are the ones one can't.

This talk seems to be of the latter category.

He sits down next to Tess, dropping the leash between his feet. Halican, meanwhile, has given up on the branch and is busy digging a hole in the ground, looking for mice or moles. To this day he has never found any, so Joel isn't too worried about having to jump in to save a life.

"Joel."

He tenses, knowing what comes next and not looking forward to it.

"Tell me honestly, how long are you going to keep doing this to yourself?"

"Do what?"

"This... hoping for her to come back."

Joel scoffs, wishing his heart didn't feel as fragile as it does. "I ain't hoping, we're done, she said so. She's not coming back."

"Then why are you waiting?"

These are the words Joel was afraid to hear. He says nothing, training his eyes at some far away spot in the distance.

Letting out a sigh, Tess scootches closer to him, until their shoulders are touching and lays a gentle hand on his arm. "I know you, Joel. You may not wanna hear it, but I do. And I know the way you love people – it's my favorite thing about you. Getting you to love anyone is like trying to break through a brick wall with nothing but a spoon, but once you've made it through...the hard work pays off." Tess takes a breath and clasps his hand in hers. "No one loves like you do, Joel – it's why I fell in love with you. But it's also the thing that might break you. And I don't want to see that happen."

Joel looks at their joined hands, something hot and aching spreading in his chest. "So, what do you want me to do? Stop waiting? Just let her go?"

"Drive down to Texas. Talk to her."

Joel vehemently shakes his head. "No."

"Dammit, Joel, look at me."

He does, staring into those hazel eyes he loves so much and what he finds there almost makes him cave in.

"What if she's the one waiting?" she says, searching his eyes. "What if, Joel? You two may not be related by blood, but dear god, that girl is your daughter and she loves just like you. You taught her how."

"I broke her trust, Tess, in the worst way imaginable. If she's waiting for me, then only so she can punch me in the face, and I can do without that."

Tess sighs, squeezing his hand. "If you can't do it for your Ellie, then do it for the one waiting in your house right now. I don't don't know what happened to her, I don't know what needs to happen to a person for them to look like that, but I can tell just from looking into her eyes that that girl is lost, Joel. She sees no road ahead of her and must have one hell of a dark one behind her."

So he wasn't wrong, when he first met her, about that beaten look in her eyes. Even Tess has noticed it and she's only known her for a couple of hours. Joel sighs, staring at the peak of the mountains where the sun is starting to make room for the moon.

You know she's right, Dad.

He looks down at his watch, at the hands ticking away. That's his time passing by, running away from him.

"I think he might be dead. The other me, in her world."

The words hover there in their air, before Tess catches them. "How do you know, did she tell you that?"

"No, I don't know for sure, it's just... whenever she mentions him, she uses past tense, so..."

For a moment, Tess is quiet, then a breath rushes out of her. "Fuck."

Yeah. That about sums it up. Somewhere out there his zombie-apocalypse counterpart is dead and Joel has no idea what to do with that knowledge. Ellie didn't tell him about it, so he reckons she doesn't want him to know.

"Shit, that explains why she's so pissed about your attack. I'm guessing she doesn't want to lose you twice."

"I reckon so."

"I'm also guessing she doesn't want to leave here knowing your relationship with Ellie is anything but good."

Joel sighs, leaning back. "So I should do it for her. Drive down to Texas, talk to Ellie..."

"You should do it for her."

Joel swallows, looking down at their joined hands. He can't for the life of him remember the last time he held hands with someone. It must have been decades ago – so long that he's forgotten what it felt like, the sensation of someone else's fingers fitting between his own. He strokes his thumb over Tess's – so small compared to his own – and feels her hand squeezing back in answer.

"How do you know?" he asks in a voice so low he can barely hear himself. "How do you know she won't take one look at me and tell me to leave her be?"

Tess shakes her head. "I don't know that for sure. But Joel–" Her voice sounds awfully gentle– "how do you know that she will?"

Joel lifts his gaze at her, searching her eyes. "I suppose I don't."

"Well, there you go. And you know what else I think?" Tess says, as a soft smile spreads over her face. Her free hand wanders over to their joined ones and softly she taps a finger on his watch. "I think she would want you to go."

That tap on his watch might as well have been a tap on his heart, because Joel sees, more clearly than ever, Sarah's face in his mind's eye, split into a grin. He feels her elbow playfully jabbing into his ribs. He hears her voice.

I like her.  

And maybe it's that – Sarah's approval – that makes him lean forward and do the thing he's wanted to do for years now. Or maybe it's the warmth in Tess's eyes that he only now realizes might be more than just that. Could be that hot ache in his chest that's starting to give way to a molten heat that he feels all the way to the tips of his fingers. It's probably a combination of all of these things, but right now Joel doesn't even care. All he cares about is the feeling of Tess's lips tightening against his, her hand that a moment ago was on his watch, traveling up his neck into his hair. She pulls him closer, smiling against his lips.

"Took you long enough," she breathes, and Joel cups her face into his hand, strokes his thumb over her cheekbone. She leans into his touch, closing her eyes and Joel gently pulls his hand from hers, lays his arm around her shoulders and pulls her into his side. He presses a kiss into her hair as her weight sinks against him, breathing in the smell of her.

Ten long years he's wanted this and now that it's finally happening Joel can't help but think maybe it had to take this long. Maybe it had to happen like this.

"Joel?"

He hums in response.

"I really think you should go. To Texas, I mean. I think you might be underestimating that girl’s capacity for forgiveness, and her love for you."

Joel sighs, appreciating Tess's words, but having trouble believing them. "Tess, she's down there to get away from me. I really have no right to just show up and demand her forgiveness."

With a sigh, Tess sits up straight, looking at him with an expression Joel can't quite decipher. "Your level of respect for other people's wishes is infuriating. I can't even argue with that."

Joel smirks. "So, you agree with me?"

"No, I don't. Stop smirking. I still think you should go. Show her you still care at least."

Joel frowns. "Of course I still care, why would she think I don't?"

"Because, genius, she hasn't heard so much as a peep from you since she left, so maybe she came to the conclusion that you just don't give a shit anymore."

Shit.

Joel has never actually thought about it like that.

Tess bumps shoulders with him. "I just said something smart, didn't I?"

Joel scratches at his beard. "You might have."

"Does that mean you're gonna get your ass down there?"

Joel drops his hand, letting out a breath. "I'll think about it."

"Good. Do me a favor and think about it at home? It's fucking freezing out here."

A little amused Joel raises an eyebrow. "How can it be freezing – you're wearing my winter jacket."

"Well, then it must be because your winter jacket does jack shit for protection against the cold."

"Do you want to give it back?"

"I didn't say that."

"Uh-huh."

"Joel, get your dog, so we can get off this damn hill."

Joel is left to enter the house alone. It's dark inside. He switches the light on in the kitchen and gives Halican his food and water, then the two of them make their way upstairs.

Joel stops when he reaches the door to Ellie's room, debating with himself whether he should go in. What would he say to her, if she's even still awake? Sorry for having a heart attack? Sorry for almost dying on you? Again?

None of it sounds the least bit adequate or even appropriate.

Joel wonders what must go through her head, when she looks at him. If he's really right and the other Joel is really dead, then... Christ, if Joel somehow ended up in a world where Sarah was still alive and she stood before him, he'd be...

A wreck.

He doesn't know what he'd do, but closing her into his arms and never ever letting her go again comes to mind.

His hand hovers over the door knob to Ellie's room. Maybe he should do just that, just hold her, but...

He's not him, is he? He's nother Joel and he doesn't have the first idea what the two of them went through, how close they really were.

With a sigh he lowers his hand, looking at Halican.

"I bet you've never had to worry about a thing in your life and here I am worrying about two lives."

The dog just blinks sleepily at him, not even tilting his head.

"You're really not helping."

Halican continues to look unimpressed. If Joel is going to stand here any longer chances are the dog will just drop to sleep right here, and Joel has kinda gotten used to having a furry companion in his bed, so.

He taps his thigh and Halican follows him into the bedroom, jumping into bed. Joel changes into his sleeping clothes and sits down on his side of the bed,  pondering the first drawer of his nightstand. He opens it and to his surprise and no small amount of relief the letter is back in its place, still closed. Ellie must have put it back.

Having absolutely no idea what to do with that piece of information, Joel pushes Halican's butt out of the way, so he can lie down. He has his side of the bed to himself for about twelve seconds, before Halican sidles up to him again. Joel huffs a quiet laugh, grabs his phone and sends a text to Tess.

What are your feelings on sharing a bed with a dog? - J

Are you implying what I think you are implying? - T

Joel sends her a picture of Halican lying next to him.

Think you can squeeze yourself in there? - J

A moment passes, then Tess sends him a middle finger.

Joel snorts. "I reckon that's a no, then. Looks like we're gonna have to figure something out, pal."

Halican doesn't react, fast asleep as he is, lucky him. Joel puts his phone away, folds his hands on his chest and stares up at the ceiling. He thinks of Ellie in the other room. Maybe she's lying awake, too, staring at her glowing stars. Maybe she heard him standing at her door and wished for him to come inside. But it's just as likely that she heard him and prayed he'd go away. Joel is totally out of his depth here and feels terribly useless. How can he help her if he doesn't know her full story?

He thinks of what Tess said to him. If you can't do it for your Ellie, then do it for the one waiting in your house right now.

You should do it for her.

Joel sighs, coming to a realization. "Ah, hell."

Chapter Text

Ellie

Ellie has a plan. It might be a little morally questionable, a little crazy, more than a bit reckless, and Joel will likely lose his shit when he realises what's going on, but it's the only plan Ellie could come up with, and quite frankly, she's all out of fucks to give.

It's now nine in the morning and Ellie hears the shower running which means she has about twenty minutes to prepare.

First, she heats up some water, then scours Joel's cabinets for the chamomile tea she found there a while back. It's pushed back in the darkest corner of the cabinet, covered by a thin layer of dust. Ellie doesn't look at the expiration date. Tea doesn't go bad, right? Right.

She pours Joel a mug of hot water, puts a tea bag in it and opens the medical cabinet.

This is where things get a little sketchy.

Ellie takes the small bottle of sleeping pills and pops two into the tea. Joel is a big guy – one pill probably wouldn't cut it. She watches the pills dissolve, feeling a little queasy at the thought of what she's about to do.

She looks at Halican, who's been watching her every move. "On a scale of one to ten, how bad of a person am I?"

He sighs a pretty disappointed sounding sigh.

"That bad, huh..."

Just then her brain stutters to a halt when she makes a terrible realization.

The dog.

What the hell is she going to do with the damn dog?

She can't leave him alone for god knows how many days they'll be gone, and Joel will definitely throw a fit if that dog isn't accounted for.

"Shit."

She's gonna have to take him with them

"Shit shit shit."

That complicates things.

She can't exactly put the dog in the car without Joel asking questions. She's going to have to come back for him. Plus he's going to need food and space and opportunity to piss.

Ellie takes a breath. It's gonna be fine. It's manageable. Nothing that turns her plan into an impossibility. She needs to get everything else sorted.

She climbs the stairs to Joel's room and goes through his closet, grabbing one item of everything – a shirt, jeans, pants and socks. Clothes stashed under one arm, she's about to leave when her gaze falls on the nightstand.

The letter. The one she couldn't bring herself to read.

Ellie bites her lip, wondering if it would be a good idea to bring it along. Something tells her that letter still has a role to play in all this.

She stows it away in the front pocket of her hoodie and continues on into her own room, where she packs Joel's clothes into her backpack, adding her revolver. Everything else she needs is already in there. She goes back downstairs, all the way out to Joel's car and throws her backpack behind the passenger's seat.

Just when she's back inside, Joel comes down from his shower, stopping in the hall as if surprised to see her there.

Ellie folds her arms over her chest. "Good morning."

He frowns at her. "Mornin'." 

"Breakfast?"

His frown deepens. "Sure."

Yeah, he's definitely suspicious.

Ellie leads the way into the kitchen gesturing at the breakfast table. "There you go."

Joel stops at the table, taking in the sorry sight that is his breakfast.He points one finger at the mug. "That's tea."

"Yep."

"What happened to coffee?"

"You're not supposed to drink coffee after a heart attack."

"Pretty sure that's a myth," Joel grumbles, studying the otherwise empty table. "Did we run out of food, too, or...?"

Ellie promptly takes a bag of dried apple rings out of the cabinet and dumps it on the table. "There. Food."

Joel raises an eyebrow. "Great. Love those."

"Bon appetit."

Joel sits down and fucking finally drinks the fucking tea.

Ellie impatiently taps her foot. "Okay, so as soon as you're finished we're gonna have to drive to the hospital," she mentions as casually as possible.

Joel stops with the mug raised halfway to his mouth. "Why's that?"

"Because, genius, you checked yourself out of the hospital against medical advice which means you're gonna have to come back for a check-up. "

"Says who?"

"Says... me. And your doctor, so... drink your fucking tea."

Joel does, painstakingly slowly. He actually has the nerve to reach for the newspaper, which Ellie has never seen him do before. She's pretty sure he's only reading it to rile her up.

And it's working.

Ellie's eye twitches as every now and then Joel takes a sip from his tea. He turns a page, smacks his lips and Ellie contemplates hitting him over the head with that stupid fucking newspaper.

What could possibly be so fascinating?

"Well, look at that," Joel says, pointing at the newspaper, "fifty reasons why coffee is good for you after a heart attack."'

"Oh, fuck off, it doesn't say that."

"Well, I'm not wearing my reading glasses, so I wouldn't know, but it could say that."

Now Ellie's eye definitely twitches. "Are you telling me you've been staring at a newspaper for the past half hour and you can't even read it? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"I'm looking at the pictures."

Ellie wants to scream into a pillow. "Give me that," she says and yanks the newspaper from Joel's hands. "Now get off your ass, we're leaving."

Joel has the audacity to smirk. "Why are you in such a hurry anyway?"

Because the sleeping pills I smuggled into your tea will show effects in a few minutes and I don't feel like dragging your dead weight into the car.

"I want to get this over with, don't you?"

"I suppose."

"Well, then, let's go."

They walk to the door, Joel stretches his hand out for the car keys, but Ellie snatches them before he can.

"Ellie."

"You're not driving."

"You don't have a license."

"You have a heart condition."

That shuts him up.

"Get in the truck."

Joel complies and they're off.

Ellie drives slowly. The drive to the hospital barely takes ten minutes and it would do no good to get there before Joel has fallen asleep, considering he's not actually scheduled for a check-up. Plus driving slowly may lull Joel to sleep. It's even raining a bit and Ellie has read in one of those parenting books that the sound of the windscreen wipers may help kids to fall asleep, so Ellie switches them on.

"You could go a little faster, you know," Joel says, probably in response to the honking car behind them.

"I'm driving responsibly. Wet roads and all..."

"Uh-huh."

Ellie drums her fingers on the steering wheel, casting a glance at Joel, who's rubbing at his eyes. "Feeling okay?"

"Hm-mh. Bit tired."

"Huh. Weird."

Yeah, well done, Ellie. That didn't sound suspicious at all.

She purses her lips, shifts her jaw. "You know, you could close your eyes for a bit, it's no problem."

Joel huffs. "For the ten minutes it takes to drive to the hospital? I think I'll manage."

Ellie shrugs. "Just saying."

Five minutes later, Joel can barely keep his eyes open, and after another three minutes, just when the hospital comes into view, his head tips to the side and he's nodded off.

About fucking time.

Ellie makes a u-turn first opportunity she gets, steps on the gas and reaches the house in record time (probably breaking a traffic regulation or twenty, but whatever.)

Halican is already waiting for her when she gets inside, happy to see her as always. She lets him out into the yard, sees him lifting his leg at the tree (that's that taken care of) and heads back into the kitchen to get the dog food and bowls. She dumps everything in the car, then goes back for Halican.

"Alright, buddy, you're up."

Halican follows her to the car and Ellie opens the backseat door for him. He hops in, immediately spotting Joel and sticking his nose in his face.

"No, no, no, don't do that." Ellie climbs into the car, pushing Halican back. "It's fine, he's just sleeping," she says, throwing a look at Joel to make sure he really is still sleeping. He doesn't move, which should be a good sign – his eyes are closed, too, head tipped against the window.

He looks like he's dead.

"Joel?"

Like he's gonna answer...

Halican whines, looking at Ellie as if to ask what's wrong with him?

Heart beating way faster than it has any right to Ellie lifts a finger under Joel's nose to check if he's still breathing – he is – and then, just to be sure, she lays a hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. It's beating in a perfectly normal rhythm.

"See? He's fine," she says and pretends it's for Halican's sake.

The dog lies down, chin between his front paws, not really looking all that happy.

But Ellie is not a dog whisperer, so who the fuck knows.

"You all set?"

Halican grumbles something which Ellie takes as a no.

"Whatever." She takes a deep breath, taking hold of the steering wheel. She's sure about this. For the first time since... since she found out the truth about Joel's lie she's sure about something. Yes, this is the right thing to do.

She looks at Joel. She looks at the road ahead of her. She feels the strong beat of her heart.

She turns on the engine.

"Texas here we come."

It's about four hours later that Joel begins to stir. With a grimace he moves his head from the window, raising a hand to his forehead.

"Jesus Christ."

He opens his eyes, squinting through the window. "What the hell..."

That's when Ellie decides to chime in. "Wakey-wakey."

Joel turns his head, looking more awake, but not any less confused. "Don't wakey-wakey me, what the hell is going on?"

"Okay, so don't freak out."

"Oh Jesus..."

"I said don't freak out."

"Where are we?"

"Just let me explain–"

But the universe is not so kind, because no sooner has she said that, they drive by a road sign that says Rawlins – 5 miles and Ellie shuts her mouth. This is not how she meant to break it to him.

"Ellie."

She very determinedly keeps her eyes on the road. "Yep?"

"Did that sign just say Rawlins?"

Ellie swallows. "Yep."

"Rawlins as in three hundred miles from Jackson – that Rawlins?"

She risks a glance at him. "Is there another?"

Within a span of a second Joel goes through pretty much every facial expression one could interpret as confused before he just shakes his head in disbelief.

"I'm going to ask you one more time: What the hell is going on?"

"We're driving to Texas."

"I beg your pardon?"

"We, and by we I mean I, am making sure you don't fuck up your life and Ellie's and since you apparently completely lack the ability to get off your ass I have decided to take matters into my own hands and drive you to Texas."

Joel stubbornly stares ahead. "Pull over."

"No, you listen to me. I am sick and tired of watching things go wrong and wondering if there was something I could have done. I've had enough guilt and regret in my life and I'm not adding this life to the list, you hear me? This time I'm doing it right and you don't get to say no to that.”

"Ellie–"

"Shut up, I'm not done."

"Dammit, Ellie, pull over or I will!"

Ellie has no doubt that he will, so she does as she's told, but she makes sure that Joel knows exactly what she thinks of that.

"For fuck's sake, Joel, this is so fucking stupid. Why are you so afraid of trying to fix things?"

Joel just sighs. "Get out of the car."

Ellie stares at him. "Seriously?"

"Out, Ellie."

Ellie throws her hands up and gets out of the car. "Sure, whatever, just fucking leave me here, I guess. See where that gets you." She stands there on the side of the road, watching Joel get out of the truck. "You know, I can walk back to Jackson – I got no problem with that. In fact, I could walk all the way to Texas–"

"Oh for Christ's sake, Ellie, I ain't leaving you here, get in the passenger seat."

Oh.

Ellie stomps over to her side of the car and gets in while Joel sits down behind the wheel. She crosses her arms, silently fuming.

"You're a fucking idiot."

Joel sighs, taking hold of the steering wheel, but he doesn't turn the car around and drives back to Jackson. He looks at Ellie. It takes her a moment, until she recognizes the emotion on his face. It's fear, and that's not something that she's seen often there.

"Are you sure about this?" he asks.

Ellie raises her chin at him. "Yes, Joel, I'm sure. More than ever before in my life I'm sure."

He looks ahead at the road, biting his lip.

"Joel," Ellie says, a sudden calmness washing over her. "I finally know what I have to do. Trust me."

With an exhale his shoulders relax. He closes his eyes and when he opens them again the fear has almost disappeared. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"But I'm not letting you drive another thousand miles – you don't have a license."

"But we're driving to Texas."

"God help me… Yes, we're driving to Texas."

Ellie mentally high-fives herself.

Joel’s eyes suddenly widen as he looks at Ellie. "Hang on, where's–"

"Relax, he's in the backseat."

Joel turns. Halican is curled into a ball, giving them his best impression of a sad puppy. He almost has Ellie fooled, but then the tip of his tail twitches like he's repressing the urge to wag it.

"Alright, boy?"

He's up like a shot, jumping over the middle console and shoving his butt in Ellie's face, so he can greet Joel.

"Alright, alright, calm down. Sit, Halican."

To Ellie's immense relief he does as he's told and plants his but on the seat, tongue lolling out.

With a shudder, Ellie plucks a dog hair from her own tongue, flicking it at Joel (not that it makes it that far.) "I swear to God if he starts drooling on me, I'm banning him to the back seat."

"Good luck trying to keep him there."

"Whatever. Are we ready for our road trip or what?"

"I don't know, are we?" Joel takes a look behind the seats. "Where's our luggage?"

Ellie blinks. "Luggage."

"Yes, luggage. We'll be gone for a few days, so please tell me you've brought some essentials with you."

Ellie thinks of her backpack. "I did bring a change of clothes."

"One change of clothes, that's it? No toothbrush, no soap...?"

Ellie shakes her head, Joel sighs. "Well, looks like we're gonna have to go shopping."

"We're not gonna shop for shit, until you get this car moving."

Joel raises a fair enough eyebrow and turns on the engine.

"Finally, and now that you’re driving, I get to be DJ." Ellie opens the glove box in search of cassettes and the collection she finds there does not disappoint. She picks one, sliding it into the stereo and the guitar riff that comes out of the speaker puts a smile on her face immediately.

She knows that song. It's fucking awesome.

There were moments of dreams I was offered to save.

I lived less like a workhorse, more like a slave.

I thought that one quick moment that was noble or brave

Would be worth the most of my life

And then to make things even better, she spots a pair of aviators in the glove box.

"Fuck yeah."

Joel huffs a laugh. "It ain't even sunny."

"Shush, I'm enjoying the moment," Ellie says, aviators proudly in place.

Joel smiles in that particular way that only he can – more with his eyes than with his lips. It looks a bit sad really, though Ellie has no idea why.  "Sounds about right."

He turns up the volume and they hit the road.

Their road trip comes to an impromptu halt not even thirty minutes later when they reach an intersection and Joel realizes he has absolutely no idea where they are.

"Well," Ellie says, "this is... anticlimactic."

There are three roads ahead of them and a whole lot of nothing else. Just open prairie.

Joel props his arm on the steering wheel, taking a look at their three options. "Whatever happened to road signs?"

"Yeah, speaking of... shouldn't we have reached Rawlins by now? Did we miss a turn or something?"

Joel scratches at his beard, drumming his fingers. Then he steps out of the car, fumbling for something in his pocket.

"What are you doing?"

"Checking if I can get a signal on my phone," he answers and heads for the middle of the intersection, where he sticks his arm in the air and starts walking from one corner of the junction to the other.

Halican and Ellie watch him pace, and out of the two of them Ellie doesn't know who is more confused.

"Does he look like an absolute clown or is that just me?"

Halican whines, not taking his eyes off Joel. Ellie takes pity on him and opens the door to let him out – a chance for him to take care of his business, too, and for Ellie to stretch her legs.

"Getting anywhere with that?" she calls over to Joel, leaning back against the hood of the truck.

"Well," Joel says, lowering his arm and coming over to her. "We are in Wyoming."

Ellie waits. "That's it?"

"That's it."

"Great." Ellie folds her arms, taking a look around. "Texas is south east of here, we should just head that way."

Joel huffs. "And where is south east exactly?"

Ellie points to the left.

Joel stares into the direction of her finger and then back at her again. "Just how long have you been sitting on that piece of information?"

"Well, I didn't know we were relying on my sense of direction. I thought you had a fancy map thing on your phone."

"The fancy map thing ain't working."

Ellie steps away from the hood, spreading her arms. "Well then, south east it is."

Joel whistles for Halican and they hit the road. Again.

They never do make it to Rawlins, but they do make it to Fort Collins which – in Ellie's book – technically means they never did get themselves lost in the first place.

"What's that saying? Just because it ain't on a map doesn't mean it ain't on track. "

"That's ... not a saying."

Ellie shrugs. "Well, it should be one."

They leave Fort Collins behind and the entire time they drive past Denver Ellie is glued to the window. A city, not taken over by nature or hunters or some other group is not something she gets to see... ever. But at the same time, when Joel asks her if she wants to go inside the city, maybe walk around a bit, Ellie has to decline. Even the thought of being around that many people makes Ellie feel like her airways just got cut off. And Joel seems relieved at her answer, too. Ellie supposes he's not much for cities either.

They make it past Denver and keep driving for another hour or so, until the afternoon turns into evening and Joel starts to look more and more out of the window than at the street.

"What are you looking for?"

"A place to eat, and then a place to sleep."

"Hang on, I brought some food." Ellie gets her backpack from behind the seat. "Let's see, we've got canned peaches and dried apple rings."

"Are those the same canned peaches that have been expired for six months?"

"No, I bought new ones, remember?"

Joel looks back and forth between the two options. "Tough choice..."

Ellie sees an opportunity and takes it. "You can have the apple rings, I like my peaches." She drops the bag in Joel's lap, even being kind enough to open it for him. She really hates those apple rings.

Joel looks at the bag like it's going to jump in his face. " ...thanks." He reaches inside, but just then Ellie spots a huge, blinking sign in the shape of an arrow.

"Jeez, what's up with that McDonad's thing? That sign is blinding."

Joel drops the apple ring like it bit him "What? Where?"

“Up there, on the right."

"Oh, thank God," Joel mumbles. "Forget about the canned peaches – we're getting something better."

Joel has parked the car in an empty parking lot and the two of them are sitting in the bed of the truck with Halican left in the driver's cab, probably keeping Ellie's seat warm

"This is so gross, but also so, so good," Ellie says, chewing on her burger.

Joel helps himself to his french fries. "Well, that's McDonald's for you."

Ellie finishes the last bite of her burger, takes a sip of her coke.

"So," she says and steals a french fry from Joel, "have you thought about what you're gonna say to Ellie when you meet her?"

Joel coughs, pounding a fist on his chest. "Seeing that I'm trying not to think about it all... no. I have not."

"Might be a good idea, though. You know, prepare some words."

"I don't think so."

"How about 'Hey Ellie, sorry for lying to your face all this time, and by the way, I have a heart condition. Fancy forgiving me before I die?’"

"Again. I don't think so."

Ellie shrugs in agreement. "Yeah, probably not the way to go."

"You think..."

Just then Joel's phone beeps with an incoming message. And then it beeps again. And again. And again.

"Hey, Joel? I think someone's trying to get a hold on you."

Joel gives Ellie a look and fishes his phone out of his pocket. Both eyebrows shoot up when he looks at the screen.

Needless to say, Ellie is curious. "Who is it?"

"None of your business."

Of course not...

Joel is busy squinting at his phone, so Ellie takes the opportunity to lean closer to him, so she can look at the display.

What the fuck. You have a heart condition??

"It's Tommy, isn't it?"

Joel shoots Ellie a dark look just as his phone begins playing a guitar riff, and he jumps off the truck, lifting the phone to his ear.

"Tommy."

Tommy is yelling so loudly that even Ellie can hear his voice, although Joel has walked a few steps away from her. She can't make out every word, but he hears her name come up, which makes Joel pinch the bridge of his nose. She hears the words pretty fucking stupid at which Joel just sighs. And she hears Sarah's name, which is when Joel's expression shatters into something almost guilty. Joel for his part doesn't get a word in edgewise and when he hangs up the phone his expression is completely unreadable. That means he's either trying not to feel whatever he's feeling or he doesn't want Ellie to know what he's feeling.

Probably a bit of both.

"What did he want?" Ellie asks when Joel is back at the truck.

Joel doesn't even pause to look at her and heads straight for the driver's cab. "Nothin'. Let's go."

Roger that.

Ellie dumps the empty food boxes in the trash and joins Joel in the car. He puts on his seat belt, hesitates before he puts the key into the ignition. He clears his throat. "Ready?"

Ellie nods, securing her seatbelt. "Look, Joel... "

He tenses, one hand at the keys.

"I'm sorry for what I said at the hospital – that whatever happened to Sarah could just as well happen to Ellie. That was way out of line and I shouldn't have said that."

He sighs. "It's fine. God knows, you ain't wrong."

Ellie bites her lip, waiting for him to go on.

Joel turns on the car. "Let's just find a hotel."

It's Ellie's turn to sigh.

They find a hotel pretty close by. Ellie doesn't know who she was expecting at the reception but it sure wasn't a teenager chewing on a gum while playing on his phone.

"Welcome to the Holiday Inn, what can I do for you..."

The kid sounds about as bored as a person can become.

"We'd like to rent a room for the night," Joel answers. "Two beds, please."

The kid takes a look over the counter, raising a brow at Halican. "Dogs don't get a bed – You're lucky if he gets a carpet."

Joel frowns. "What? The bed is for... me and my daughter here."

This time the kid raises both eyebrows at them. "Sure, whatever." He slides a key over to them "Room six. One bed, one couch. Plus carpet."

Joel takes the keys. "Thank you kindly," he says, but what Ellie hears is Drop dead you perfect example of parenting gone wrong.

She snorts.

The kid takes another look over the counter. "Where's you guys' luggage?"

Joel turns to Ellie. "Yes, Ellie. You wanna tell this young gentleman where our luggage is?"

The grin slides off her face. "Yeah, we don't... we don't have any luggage."

Joel turns back to the kid. "There. We don't have any luggage."

The kid pops a bubble. "Cool." He points to the right. "Room six. Left side, the far end."

They make it to their room and Joel shuts the door, taking a look at his watch. He blows out a breath, takes one pillow from the bed and tosses it on the couch where he sits down and starts taking off his shoes.

Ellie frowns. "What are you doing?"

"Going to sleep."

"On the couch?"

Joel raises an eyebrow as if to say, your point?

"Need I remind you that you walked around like Quasimodo after just one night in my bed? Come on, I'll take the couch."

Joel looks like he wants to argue, but decides against it. "Fine, I ain't gonna fight you over back pain."

They switch places – Ellie takes the couch while Joel takes the bed. Halican joins him soon after because apparently carpets are beneath him.

They lie there in the silence of the room, both so aware of the other and suddenly it’s hard. After having spent an entire day in the car together, in about as close as quarts can become, this lying in the darkness and not even seeing each other is difficult. There's no music in the background, no breathtaking landscape to distract Ellie from what lies ahead. There's just the sound of two people (and one dog) breathing.

"How do you know who Quasimodo is?"

Ellie smiles to herself. "I'm no stranger to movies."

"Ah." He's quiet for a moment. "Joel watched them with you?"

"Oh yeah, he made sure I got a proper education."

This silence from Joel is the loudest she's ever heard from him.

"You talk about him in past tense."

And with that the smile slides off Ellie's face. "Yeah."

"You wanna tell me about it?"

Ellie swallows. Her throat is dry, her hands are cold. "Not yet."

Joel's answer is so quiet she barely hears it. "Okay."

Ellie turns away from him, hiding her face in the couch. The sound of her missing him must be so loud in the silence of the room – her ears are roaring with it – but Joel says nothing more and Ellie wonders if that is a gift or a curse.

Chapter Text

Joel

It's been a while since Joel has seen the sunrise, and it's been even longer since he's seen it without the mountains blocking his view. Deer Trail, Colorado is, in a word, flat. It's almost a little jarring after over twenty years of living in Jackson and being surrounded by mountains. Being able to see the sun rise above the prairie is a plus, though.

It's just past seven, yet Joel has already been awake for over two hours. He'd slept like shit, not only because of the strange bed, but also because he'd felt...restless. Couldn't keep his mind quiet – something he's usually pretty good at. He'd woken up at some ungodly hour of the morning and, unable to fall asleep again, sneaked past Ellie and took Halican out for an early walk. He's been wandering through town, taking a road that led further out. If Joel had known that road would take him to the cemetery he'd have walked the opposite damn direction. But he's here now and the red light of the rising sun is shining directly on the grave of one Emily Spencer. That name doesn't mean anything to Joel, so there's really no need for that dull sting in his chest. It shouldn't hurt looking at that grave, but it does. The two dates engraved into the stone speak of a lifetime for too short.

In loving memory of Emily Spencer 

March 23rd 2030 – June 4th 2038

Our flower that withered too soon.

The girl was only eight – younger even than Sarah.

Our flower that withered too soon.

Withered.

What does that mean, withered? Was the girl sick and just... slowly withered away? Joel wonders if that makes it easier, knowing your daughter will die. Did the parents get to prepare themselves? Did they get to cherish their last moments with her?

Would it have been easier, sitting at Sarah's beside, slowly watching her die and knowing there was nothing he could do about it?

No, he decides. No, it wouldn't have been.

Our flower that withered too soon.

Sarah didn't wither. She was just... there one moment and gone the next. There's no poetry in that. No pretty saying to put on her gravestone.

Or maybe that's just Joel's way of thinking. Death is never poetic and Joel has no fancy way with words and that means there's only two lines on Sarah's gravestone – the name and the dates. That was all the poetry he'd had in him. Maybe if he’d had let Tommy take charge of the funeral arrangements like he'd offered Sarah would have a prettier stone now.

Yeah, I bet Uncle Tommy would have made them engrave a football into my gravestone. And maybe some Halican Drops lyrics.

God forbid.

"Pardon me, Sir?"

Joel turns around to a woman standing behind him, holding a bouquet of flowers.

She smiles kindly. "Can I help you?"

Joel shifts his weight, a little out of his depth. Shouldn’t that be his line, considering she’s the one who came up to him?

"It's just... your standing at my daughter's grave and I'd Iike to.... " She gives the flowers a slight shake and Joel immediately feels like...

Like a fucking idiot, as Ellie would say.

"I'm sorry, of course." Joel hurries out of the way, but he doesn't make it further than a few steps. He does a half turn, wondering if he should say something. It doesn't feel quite right, just leaving. Especially not after that blunder of his. Joel looks at the woman kneeling on the ground, laying down her flowers. He thinks and thinks about what to say and comes up with absolutely nothing. He stands there long enough for the woman to stand up again. She turns, a little surprised that he’s still there.

Joel clears his throat. "I, uh... I'm sorry for your loss," is what he ends up saying, and he immediately wishes he’d have kept his mouth shut. He hates that saying, he abhors it. He’s heard it far too many times from people who didn’t know what else to say to him and every time he’d felt like punching that person in the face. What is one even supposed to reply to that? Thank you, I feel much better now? Don’t be? Why am I alive while my daughter isn't? How about instead of feeling sorry, you throw yourself into the ground, so I can have her back?

"And I for yours," is what the woman replies, her eyes softening at the corners. 

Joel can’t say he saw that coming. He shifts his weight, opening his mouth but no sound comes out.

The woman ducks her head, seeming almost embarrassed. "Sorry, I–" She pauses for a moment, as if thinking of what to say. "I've been to a lot of grief counseling classes recently and that means l've seen a lot of faces like yours."

"Ah." Joel looks away. "Right."

"If you don't mind me asking... How long has it been? Since... since it happened?"

Joel does mind actually. It's a terribly intrusive question and for a second he contemplates just leaving. But then he sees the fear in the woman's eyes, the trepidation, and yes, he hears Sarah's voice.

Don't be a dick, Dad.

He breathes. "About twenty-five years."

The woman closes her eyes in acceptance, a sad smile tugging at her lips. "So it doesn't get any easier then."

A soft breeze blows past them – it ruffles the petals on the flowers of Emily's grave.

Our flower that withered too soon.

"It does, actually," Joel says gently. "Once you know what to do with all the love you got inside you that has nowhere to go."

The woman nods thoughtfully, that sad smile never leaving her features. "Did you learn that in your grief counseling classes?"

Joel shakes his head. "No, ma'am, I never been to one."

This time her smile reaches her eyes and stretches over both cheeks. "Maybe I should stop going then."

"That really ain't for me to say."

The woman hums in, looking at her daughter’s grave. Joel figures that's the conversation over with. God knows he's run out of things to say.

"Enjoy your day," he says.

The woman meets his eyes, something that looks an awful lot like gratitude in her gaze. "I just might." 

And that's that.

Joel whistles for Halican and they start their way back to the motel. If Joel had known he'd feel a lot lighter after that talk with the woman, maybe he'd have taken the road to the cemetery on purpose.

The motel is already in sight when his phone alerts him of a text message. It's from Tess.

Just noticed that I still have your jacket. Want me to come over and drop it off? - T

Don't bother, I'm not home. - J

When are you home then? - T

Probably not for a couple of days. - J

Alright, I'll bite. Where are you? - T

Deer Trail. - J

A moment passes without an answer from Tess and Joel thinks he might just have her stumped.

I'm confused. Are you having a late midlife crisis and went hunting? For several days? - T

No, I'm not on a deer trail – I'm in Deer Trail, Colorado. - J

Why the hell are you in Deer Trail, Colorado?- T

I've been kidnapped. - J

Okay, so either your kidnapper isn't very good at what he does, considering he’s left you your phone, or your kidnapper is Ellie. - T

The latter. - J

I'm honestly surprised at how little that surprises me. That still doesn't explain why you're in Colorado, though. - T

Well, Deer Trail, Colorado just so happens to be on route to Austin, Texas. - J

Exactly three seconds pass, then his phone starts ringing.

With a sigh, Joel makes himself comfortable on a nearby bench and answers the call.

"Thank God for that girl."

Joel runs a hand over his face. "Uh-huh."

"Seriously, how long would it have taken you to get your ass down there?"

Joel just sighs.

"Exactly. She's doing you a favor, you know."

"Tell me that again when my Ellie has slammed the door in my face."

"If she actually does that I will personally come down there and kick it down for you."

Joel huffs a tired laugh. "I'm sure she'll appreciate that."

"Yeah, anyway. What are your thoughts on moving in together?"

Joel blinks, trying to catch up to Tess’s train of thought. "Are you asking for my opinion, generally speaking, on two people moving in together or do you have someone specific in my mind?"

"Yeah, specifically my Uncle Nigel and his girlfriend Bridget – what are you thinking?"

"Oh. Well, I, uh... I'm not sure, if–"

"Oh for Christ's sake, Joel, I was talking about you and me!"

"Oh."

"Yes, oh. Ellie did have a point, you know. You living alone with a heart condition is pretty stupid."

Joel narrows his eyes. "I don't need a live-in nurse."

"The live-in nurse part is only seventy percent of why I want to move in with you."

Joel raises an eyebrow. "Seventy percent..."

"Hm. Give or take."

Joel exhales, sinking back into the bench as he mentally goes through twenty years of friendship with Tess in an attempt to find the moment he screwed up so badly that he now deserves to listen to this.

"What are you sighing about?"

"Just wondering why I love you is all."

"Meh. Been there. It's a surprisingly frustrating train of thought."

"I'm beginning to notice that."

"So. Moving in together – yes or no?"

"Don't know yet. Ask me again when that percentage drops below thirty."

Tess sighs. "Joel?"

"Yes?"

"Your inability to take a joke is only surpassed by your inability to take a compliment."

"Was that a compliment?"

He can hear her rolling her eyes. "I'm hanging up the phone now."

And just like that she's gone. Joel snorts, smiling to himself as he puts away his phone.

"What are you smiling about?"

Joel startles at Ellie's voice. "Jesus, you trying to give me a heart attack?"

"Trying to prevent that actually. Catch!"

Joel does not, in fact, catch whatever Ellie just threw at his head. Instead it just hits him in the face. "Ow. What the hell, Ellie?"

"Whoops. I swear I thought you'd catch that."

"Next time you want me to catch something, warn me before you throw it."

"Noted. But my Joel would have caught it. Just saying."

"Pardon me for not having the reflexes of an apocalypse hardened survivor." Joel bows down to pick up the thing that Ellie threw at him. "What's this anyway?"

"Your anti heart attack pills," Ellie says, sitting down next to him and handing him a mug of coffee, "and your favorite poison to swallow them down."

"Hm. Thanks, I guess."

"You're welcome. I hope you don't mind, but I took a sip of that," she says, pointing at the coffee.

Joel raises an expectant eyebrow. "And?"

"I spit it on the carpet. Looks like dog piss, so I figured I’d leave it there as a surprise for our dear receptionist."

Joel chuckles, aware that he should say something like, you can’t just spit on people’s carpets, Ellie, but he decides to hell with that, and takes a sip of his coffee.

"Hey, uh, speaking of dog piss... " Ellie says, twisting where she sits to take a look around. "Where's Halican?"

Joel stops with the mug still at his lips. He swallows, slowly lowers his mug and takes a look at the ground to his left. He's relatively sure Halican lay there when he was talking to Tess. "Uhm..."

"He ran off, didn't he?"

Joel clears his throat. "We might have a slight problem on our hands." 

When they finally do find Halican, Joel almost wishes they hadn't. It would have spared him the sight of his dog chasing after half a dozen kids chasing after an ice cream truck.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Leave it to Ellie to say the words Joel prefers to keep in his head.

"Is that an actual ice cream truck?"

"That is an actual ice cream truck." Though what's it doing here at nine in the morning Joel has absolutely no idea. Not that he particularly cares to find out. He is trying to summon the willpower to walk over to that damn truck, where his dog is sitting amongst the kids like he's waiting for a cone himself.

"On a scale of one to ten, how badly are you wishing that dog wasn't yours right now?"

Joel doesn't answer, which is probably answer enough, and marches over to the truck.

"I'll take that as an eleven." Ellie says, joining his side.

"Halican!"

His ears twitch proving that he heard him, but he does an excellent job at ignoring him, proving that Joel got himself a bastard of a dog.

"Halican, come here, boy!"

Needless to say, the dog doesn't move.

Ellie grins. "I'm having fun."

Luckily, Joel still has an ace up his sleeve. He reaches inside his jacket for the bag of treats he keeps in there. He gives it a shake and at the familiar rustle, Halican swivels his head around, eyes widening at the sight of his favorite food, and he comes running over.

"There you go," Joel says, giving Halican his treat he doesn't deserve and clips him on the leash. "Come on." He gives the leash a slight tug, but then he sees Ellie still staring at that ice cream truck like she’s looking at a dear memory.

"Ellie?"

She looks at him, a sad smile forming on her lips, like a crack in porcelain. "Yeah, it's just... Ice cream truck. Never thought I'd get to see one in action."

Joel puts his hand in his jacket pocket, feeling his wallet there. He looks at the truck where the driver is serving the last kid. He looks at Ellie.

He gives her the leash. "Hold this."

And then, like a man on a mission, he walks over to that ice cream truck and spends way too much money. 

Chapter Text

Joel

"You sure you don't want any?" Ellie asks, shoveling another spoonful of ice cream in her mouth.

"Yes, I'm sure, thanks." Quite frankly, the closer they get to Texas, the sicker Joel feels and even the thought of putting that sweet stuff into his mouth makes him want to throw up. They just drove past the 250 miles sign and Joel is resisting the urge to make a U-turn.

But then he looks at Ellie munching away on her ice cream, staring out of the window with her feet propped on the dashboard, and he reminds himself why he's doing this.

He's doing this for her, and so he keeps the car firmly on course to Austin, Texas.

That is until his car starts beeping, telling him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't want to get stuck here in the middle of nowhere, he better start looking for a gas station.

"What was that sound?"

"We're running outta gas, so keep an eye out for a gas station."

"Roger that."

Their search for a gas station takes them all the way into the next town and when they find it, it's conveniently located next to a small store, so Joel uses the opportunity to buy a pair of toothbrushes and some soap, plus two sandwiches because there's no way he's going to eat anymore of these apple rings. In his life. Ever.

He leaves the store and finds Ellie and Halican sitting in the bed of his truck.

"Here you go," he says, giving Ellie a sandwich.

Halican looks from the sandwich at Joel as if to say where's mine and Joel rips off a piece of ham and gives it to him.

Ellie smiles at them.

"What."

"Nothing, I'm just... trying to picture you waking up one day and thinking, yeah. Imma get myself a dog today. "

Joel chuckles. "You're not that far off from what actually happened."

Ellie bites into her sandwich. "I'm listening."

Joel figures he's brought that on himself, so he takes a breath and begins telling his story. "It was a few weeks after Ellie left. I began working for this shelter – big job, they needed new doors and windows, a few repairs here and there. I came over every day for almost a month. I saw animals come and go, kittens and puppies finding new homes. But this fella," Joel says, giving Halican a rough pat on the head, "just never got picked up. And I was getting more and more fed up with living in an empty house, so... I brought him home with me."

Ellie hums, running a hand down Halican's back. "We have a dog in Jackson. Doesn't really belong to anyone, he's just... kind of the town's dog. Buckley, he's called, and sometimes I'd find him lying on Joel's porch, listening to him play." She takes a breath and her next words are so quiet Joel can barely hear them. "I wonder if the damn dog misses him."

Now what the hell is Joel supposed to say to that...

Turns out he doesn't have to say anything because Ellie lifts her gaze and whatever catches her eye makes them widen in excitement.

"Wait a minute, is that–?" She cranes her neck, tapping Joel on the arm. "There's a theater over there, right? That building way back there with the lights over the door?"

Joel tries to follow her gaze, his eyes landing on something that looks indeed like a theater. "I reckon it is.”

"We have to go."

Joel frowns. "To the theater?"

"Yes, absolutely. I've never been to one. Well, not one in working order."

"Ellie, I doubt they allow dogs in there and we can't leave him in the car that long."

Ellie's shoulders deflate. "Oh. Right. Nevermind, it's cool, it was just a thought." Ellie packs her half eaten sandwich back in the wrapper, and Joel–

Feels like smacking himself over the head.

"Tell you what, we finish these sandwiches, then we'll find us a motel, and then we can give that theater a look."

Ellie stares at him. "What about Halican?"

"He'll be fine in a motel room." Joel nods at her sandwich. "Come on, eat up."

They waltz into the next motel they can find – this one with a much nicer receptionist who actually does give them a room with two beds. They drop Halican off, give him food and water (because Ellie has thought of that , but not of toothbrushes) and head out again. The theater's not far – they make it there on foot in just a few minutes.

"Howdy," Joel announces them to the woman behind the counter. "Two tickets for... whichever movie plays next."

The woman raises an eyebrow at them. "You want two tickets for Finding Nemo?"

Joel narrows his eyes in confusion, notices Ellie looking back and forth between him and the cashier. "You're showing a kids movie from 2003?"

"It's the first Friday of the month – kids day. They're showing Finding Dory right after in case you wanna stick around."

"Fuck me, there’s a sequel?"

The receptionist gives Joel a very judgmental look, as if Ellie’s choice of language was his fault, which he thinks is a little uncalled for. But well.

Looks like Joel is about to pay twenty bucks for a movie he's seen just about a hundred times.

"Two tickets for Finding Nemo, please."

"Coming right up." The woman turns to her computer, but her gaze falls on Ellie rocking on her feet, hands on the straps of her backpack with a barely concealed grin. She looks at Joel. "You want the kids menu with that?"

Joel sighs. Make that thirty bucks.

"Somewhere, beyond the sea–"

"Stop it."

"What, I've got an earworm."

"I've noticed, don't make me have one."

Ellie smirks and pops another popcorn in her mouth. She looks up at the sky. It's a clear night, a bit cool, but the stars make up for it. Joel follows her gaze and wonders what she sees up there, that makes her smile disappear and turns her face so wistful.

"You alright?" he asks carefully.

That wistful expression disappears when she looks at him. "Yeah," she says and it almost sounds like it could be true. She tips the bag of popcorn toward him. "Want some?"

Joel debates with himself if he should say something.

Where do your thoughts take you that makes you look like that? Don't let them lead you away. Don't get lost up there.

But he doesn't. Not yet, Ellie had said. She'll tell him when she's ready. He trusts her with that.

"Sure," he says and helps himself to some popcorn.

Their motel comes into view. Joel pats his pockets for the keys and... doesn't find them.

"Damn."

"What is it?"

"Left the damn keys in the theater – must have fallen out when I took off my jacket."

Ellie stops chewing. "So... now what?" she asks, while Joel goes through every pocket he has on him. They're definitely not there. "I know how to break into rooms, you know. Just saying."

"We're not gonna break into our own motel room. I'm gonna go back and get them. Wait, here."

"You sure?"

"I'll take the shortcut through the alley. Be right back." He turns and starts walking away from her.

"Might as well get some more popcorn while you're there!"

"I don't think I will," Joel calls over his shoulder. He's pretty sure he can hear her say, "it was worth a try."

Joel heads toward the theater in quick steps, diving into the alley which he hopes is a short cut. He's about half way through when a figure steps out of the darkness, blocking his way.

"Not so fast there, old timer."

Joel slows to a stop, a sense of dark foreboding coming over him.

"That's right, stay right there." The guy comes closer to him and Joel spots the gun in his hand. A look over his shoulder confirms–

Yep, one other guy, trying to look tough by cracking his knuckles. Both of them look no older than twenty.

Kids these days...

"Can I help you boys?"

The guy in front of him, the leader of the operation apparently, raises the gun at Joel's chest, a dirty smirk on his lips.

"Yeah. You could empty your pockets for me."

Joel studies the kid from head to toe. He seems pretty confident about the whole thing – easy posture, gun steady in his hand – surely not his first mugging. The other kid tells a different story, however. He doesn't seem so sure about this and Joel is just glad that the gun is in a steady hand and not in the nervous fingers of the other kid.

Joel turns back to the boss. "And what if I don't?"

The smirk disappears from the kid's face. "Then I'll blow your fucking head off and take your stuff anway, wise ass."

Joel nods to himself. He doesn't really feel like beating up a couple of kids, and quite honestly, he doubts he could, even without the gun (that sort of thing seems more like other Joel's department), so he reaches inside his jacket and pulls out his wallet. "There."

The boss nods over to his partner. "Toss it over to him."

Joel does as he's told and the kid fumbles to catch it.

Joel almost sighs. The kid is really not a natural at this.

He goes through Joel's wallet, eyes widening at what he finds there. "There's barely twenty bucks in here, man," he says, sounding a little panicked.

"You sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Two tenners and a couple of quarters, the hell are we supposed to do with this?"

Joel shrugs. "It's all I got on me. Take the money and the credit card for all I care, but I'd appreciate it if you could leave me the wallet–"

He doesn't get any further than this. Next thing he knows there's a gun pressed to his back and an angry sneer right by his ear.

"You think this is a fucking joke?"

Slowly Joel raises his hands. "Easy, son. There's no need for this to get ugly. Just take the money and go."

"See, I can't do that." The gun leaves his back only to show up right in front of his face. The kid's eyes dart from Joel's face to his wrist, where the sleeve of his jacket has rolled up, revealing Joel's most cherished possession. That dark smirk returns to the kid's face. "Give me your watch."

Well, so much for no need for this to get ugly because for Joel things just have.

"You ain't getting my watch."

The kid slams the gun so hard in Joel's face that he stumbles back a few steps, pain exploding in his nose.

"Are you fucking deaf? I said your watch, old man."

Joel straightens up, wiping the blood from the bridge of his nose. "Then you're gonna have to kill me."

He clicks the safety off. "That can be arranged."

The other kid looks nervously between Joel and his boss. "Woah, Rich, what the hell are you doing? We got the money, let's just go."

"You should listen to your friend, Rich."

"Shut the fuck up. I'm not leaving without that watch."

On second thought, Joel takes back the part about the gun being in a steady hand. The kid is this close to blowing up. He recognizes the sticky situation he's in the same moment he sees Ellie appearing behind the other guy, and his heart drops to his stomach.

She's pointing her revolver at Rich, a cold rage in her eyes that Joel has never seen before. "You better drop that gun right the fuck now."

"Ellie?"

Rich doesn't move and before Joel realizes what's happening Ellie has one arm around the other kid's throat, holding the revolver to his temple. "Fucking drop it or I'll shoot and you better fucking believe I will."

"Easy, Ellie." But she pays him no mind. Her gaze is fixed on Rich, who's still pointing the gun at him. Joel doesn't know who he's more afraid for: Rich, the guy being held hostage, or Ellie.

"Fucking hell, man, just do as she says."

Rich keeps his gun on Joel, eyes blazing with rage. He looks from Ellie to his desperate partner as if deciding which nuisance to shoot first.

And Joel can't have that.

He grabs Rich from behind and slams him into the wall. The gun clatters to the ground the same moment Joel gets an elbow right under his ribs. The pain is so excruciating that the corners of his vision turn black. He doubles over, barely feels his knees hitting the ground, and somewhere in the far back of his mind he hears the voice of his old football coach, liver shot.

"Joel!""

Her voice sounds like he's underwater – muffled and muted, as he fights to breathe through the pain. He hears another body hit the ground. He prays it's not Ellie's, but he doesn't even manage to lift his head.

Then there's a hand on his shoulder, pulling at him. His back sinks against the wall and he sees Ellie's face, worried but unharmed.

"Joel?"

"I'm alright." His voice comes out as barely more than a breath. "I'm okay."

Ellie seems to have a hard time believing that because her hands won't leave his shoulders and her eyes are traveling over every inch of his body. That's probably why she doesn't notice Rich sneaking up on her with his gun raised at her head, but Joel does and he shoots out a hand, just as that gunshot goes off. He hears something shatter, feels a terrible pain in his wrist. Ellie leaves his line of sight and a moment later there's another gunshot followed by a cry of pain.

It's not Ellie's voice and that part relieves and part horrifies him.

"Ellie, stop," he says, before he can even see them.

Rich is clutching his arm to his chest, blood running through his fingers. Ellie is still pointing her revolver at him, chest heaving with breaths.

"Let him go, Ellie. Just let him go."

The gun in her hand trembles, but she lowers it, eyes trained on the bleeding kid. "Get the fuck outta here."

He doesn't need to be told twice. He's out of the alley as fast as his legs can carry him. The other kid is nowhere to be seen – probably made a run for it, while Joel was delirious with pain.

Not that he particularly cares. Ellie looks like she's about to have a panic attack and Joel would like to stop that from happening. He struggles to his feet, ignoring all his pains, and makes his way over to her.

"Ellie?"

She winces at his voice, looking at him as if she's having trouble recognizing him, or believing he's real.

"You okay?"

Ellie's lips tremble to a thin line. She shakes her head. "I'm not," she says, pinning him with a gaze that cries for help. "I'm not okay, Joel."

Something in Joel's old, scarred heart breaks open at her words and he closes the last few steps to her, gently tugging at shoulder. "Come here, kiddo."

The gun in Ellie's hand clatters to the ground and she sinks against his chest, holding him so tightly like she's afraid he's going to disappear on her, and Joel folds her arms around her and holds her and holds her and holds her.

"Sit down at the table, I'll get the first aid kit."

Ellie disappears into the bathroom, while Joel makes his way to the table, one hand on his ribs as he sits down. Halican comes over to him, a little hesitantly as if he knew Joel is hurt and he needs to be careful.

"Alright, boy?"

He lays his chin on Joel's thigh and Joel strokes over his head and pats his side.

"Alright, boy. It's okay."

Ellie comes back with the first aid kit and a bottle of whiskey and sits down opposite him.

"Where'd you get the whiskey from?" Joel asks. He's pretty sure motels don't supply their bathrooms with free liquor.

"I always carry alcohol with me."

Joel's eyebrows shoot up. "You realize what that sounds like?"

"Well, it's not for drinking, obviously. I mainly use it as a disinfectant."

"Mainly?"

"Disinfectant and molotovs. Yeah."

Joel sighs. He's not even surprised. "Let's stick to the disinfectant, shall we."

"That was the plan."

With a surety that makes Joel think she's done this hundreds of times before, Ellie sorts through the first aid kit and picks out the things she needs.

"This is gonna hurt," she says as she pours some of the whiskey over a piece of bandage amd raises it to Joel's nose.

"Just...do it."

It does hurt and Joel winces at the sting, but he's also starting to get the impression that his pain tolerance has skyrocketed after that elbow to the liver.

That hurt.

Ellie dabs at the bridge of his nose, her brow furrowed – whether in concentration or guilt he's not quite sure. Then she leans back, hands falling into her lap. "That's gonna scar, you know."

"It's fine."

Ellie sighs like it's not fine at all and gestures at his ribs. "Lift up your shirt."

Joel really doesn't have the energy to put up an argument, so he does as he's told, directing his gaze firmly at the opposite wall.

"Can you breathe okay?"

Joel takes a deep breath, let's it out slowly. "Yep. It's fine."

"Try twisting your body."

He does and apart from the crack of his spine, which has nothing at all to do with his liver, he doesn't feel anything.

"What if you press down on it?"

Joel presses a hand on his ribs and–

Yeah, okay. That actually hurts.

"It's fine. Not that bad."

"Which is Joel-speak for it hurts like a bitch."

"I wouldn't go that far. Really, it's... I'm alright."

Ellie sighs. "Okay, well... I guess they're not broken then. That's good at least." She casts a troubled look at his left hand. "I'm not so sure about your wrist."

His wrist, yeah. His broken watch – glass shattered by the bullet that was meant for Ellie's head.

Joel clenches his jaw. His right hand weighs a thousand tons when he moves it to his left to take off his watch. He's never done that before, not once in almost thirty years since he got it. His wrist feels terribly naked without it, like he just took every precious memory of Sarah and dumped them on the table, as if they were just a forgotten piece of accessory. As soon as he sets the watch down, he wants to gather it up again, before the memories scatter to the ground where they'll be lost forever.

"Can you move your hand at all?"

Joel swallows down his irrational fear and curls his wrist as far as it will let him. It hurts and trembles in protest, but it doesn't scream at him like it did when the damn ladder slipped from under his feet while was trying to clear the gutter from any ice.

"It's not broken."

"You sure?"

"I know what a broken wrist feels like and this ain't it."

Ellie blows out a breath. "That's one tough watch."

Joel looks at the watch on the table, itching to put it back on. "Yeah. It is."

Ellie takes a bandage from the kit and starts wrapping it around his wrist. She works in silence for a moment, before she carefully asks, "Joel?"

"Hm?"

"What happened? To Sarah, I mean."

Joel knew that question would come one day. It doesn't mean he is prepared for it.

"She was hit by a car, when she was twelve," he starts, barely recognizing the sound of his own voice. "It was my birthday, so I was gonna pick her up from school. I was parked on the other side of the road, saw her coming out of the school building. She had that little package in her hand and when she saw me she got so excited that she just ran across the street without looking and... that was it. The oncoming car was going way over the speed limit and had no chance to break. Slammed right into her." Joel lets out a breath, staring at the watch on the table. It doesn't stop the pictures from flooding his mind. Sarah's bright grin, her excitement. The car slamming into her, the sound of her limp body hitting the ground. Joel remembers dropping to his knees next to her, gathering her into his arms. He still sees her empty eyes, the red stain on the road. He still feels her hair in his fingers, wet with her blood.

Sarah didn't wither. She was ripped from him as violently as the roots of a tree are ripped from the earth.

"Joel."

It's Ellie's voice that takes him back to the present.

"I'm so sorry."

The words don't feel like empty platitudes when they come from Ellie. They're not hollow and meaningless. In fact, they are so heavy with grief that Joel feels the weight of them like one feels the pressure in the air of an oncoming thunderstorm.

"That's okay, Ellie," he says and doesn't know if he's comforting her or himself. "The mother of Sarah's best friend came up to me at the funeral, gave me that package. I only opened it weeks later." The irony hadn't lost on him, that Sarah had gifted him a watch the same moment his time with her had run out. "I put on the watch, packed a bag and got the hell out of Texas."

That's his story. And the first time he's put it into so many words.

"Did you ever go back? To Texas, I mean. To your old home?"

"Once, yeah. About ten months ago."

From the look in her eyes Ellie wasn't expecting that answer.

"Tommy had invited me over for Christmas, convinced me to come. I drove down there, parked the car at Tommy's house and then I saw her walk by the window."

"And then what?"

And then Joel had sat in the car for thirty minutes staring at the house, hoping to catch another glimpse of her, until he decided that he absolutely could not bring himself to go in there, so he turned the car around and left.

"I went to the cemetery instead. To Sarah's grave, and that's when I had my first heart attack."

Joel doesn't quite know what it was that caused his heart to seize in his chest. Maybe it was the sight of Sarah's name on a gravestone – something he hadn't seen since the funeral. Maybe it was the sight of the flowers and the burning candle on Sarah's grave, which meant someone had been visiting and that someone hadn't been him. Or maybe it was staring at Sarah's grave and realizing he couldn't save either of them. He'd failed them both in the end. Failed twice as a father. Maybe his heart had agreed with that particular thought and just decided it was time to jump ship before things could get any worse.

"Jesus Christ, Joel, how did you even–"

"Survive? You'd be surprised at the number of people who go to the cemetery on Christmas Eve. Someone must have called an ambulance. I woke up in the hospital, called Tommy to tell him I couldn't make it, and just... drove back home."

The look on Ellie' face is somewhere between disbelief, shock and disappointment. "You just left? Without even trying to fix things? Does Tommy even know you were there?"

Joel raises a hand in an attempt to slow her down. "Ellie, stop–"

"You could have fixed things then. You had an opportunity and you just threw that away and now you're telling me you almost fucking died?"

"Ellie, stop. I know, okay? I know I should have gone inside, I know I should have tried to fix things–"

"Do you, really? Cause if I hadn't fucking drugged and kidnapped you, you'd still be sitting on your ass, up in fucking Jackson."

"I know all that now, Ellie. I know it now. I'm sorry it took me this long."

At his words the fight and the rage visibly rush out of her. She stares at him out of wide, reddened eyes, shimmering with unshed tears. Joel wishes she'd let them fall. He wishes she'd allow herself to.

"Do you really?" she asks, her voice so quiet Joel thinks it must hurt, keeping it down like that.

"I think I do. You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to. I have enough pieces of the story to know that your Joel didn't just die. I know something must have happened – something you feel guilty about. And I've heard the word regret so often from you that I know that's got something to do with it, too, so I think I know what this whole thing means to you. God knows, you wouldn't be so angry with me if... whatever happened to you and your Joel hadn't happened."

Ellie looks away, fiddling with her bracelet. "It's not you I'm angry with. Not really. It's me." She sniffs, angrily wipes at her eyes, and Joel doesn't dare breathe. "That fungus I told you about? I'm immune to it, unlike Riley and Tess and Sam and everyone else on this fucking planet. Joel was supposed to take me halfway across the country, to a group of doctors that were trying to find a cure. But when we got there he found out that making a cure would have killed me, so you know what he did?"

Joel has no idea if that's an honest question, but the answer comes to him so quickly and clearly that he can't stop himself from saying it. "He stopped them."

"Yeah. He fucking stopped them. And then he lied to me about it. It took me two years until I found out the truth and when I did I was so... angry and hurt and disappointed that I just told him we're done. For the next two years I was a complete asshole to you and when I finally wanted to forgive you fucking Abby comes along and kills you because you killed her father and I–" she stops, eyes narrowed in confusion as she stares at nothing at all, before her eyes dart to him.

You.

"Fuck."

"Ellie-"

"Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to– I know you're not–"

"Ellie, it's okay."

"No, it's not. Nothing is okay, Joel, I fucked up. And it wasn't just being an asshole to– to him, it was also going to Seattle, taking Dina with me, so I could take revenge. I got Jesse killed, I almost got Dina killed, I got Tommy crippled. And when that wasn't enough I left Dina alone with JJ, so I could go to Santa Barbara, and when I finally found Abby I didn't even kill her. Instead I just lost my fingers and now I'm…” she trails off, gaze turned inward where Joel can’t see to.  "I'm so alone."

"That's not true, you're not–"

"Don't tell me I'm not, Joel. I don't belong here in this world with you. There's no one here for me, not even you. You're not someone I have, you're just... a familiar face. That's all you and I are to each other."

"Ellie, I'm not driving across the country in hopes of fixing a relationship that might very well be unfixable, for a familiar face. I'm doing this for you. And I am here for you. For as long as you're around – whether that's thirty years or thirty minutes – I'm here."

Ellie's lips tremble at his words. She looks so small sitting in her chair with her hands in her lap, shoulders sunken in on herself. She's skin and bones – terrifyingly fragile – and, God, if the world hasn't tested her to her limits. It makes Joel want to gather her up into his arms, shield her from the world, and take the blows in her place. He would if he could. If only he could.

Ellie doesn't say anything in response. She takes the watch off the table and wraps it around his right wrist. She holds on to it, gripping it tightly. "Don't stop wearing it."

"I wasn't going to."

Ellie nods, more to herself than to him, and Joel gets the feeling there's a little something about that watch that Ellie hasn't shared with him yet.

"Good," she says, as if reassuring herself, "good," and only then does she take her hand from his. She meets his eyes. There's a calmness there that wasn't there before, a quietness so in contrast to the warzone from just a few moments ago that Joel lets out a breath of relief.

Whatever happens on this trip, whether his Ellie forgives him or not, it'll be worth it for these brief moments of peace in Ellie's eyes.

Chapter Text

Ellie

The last hours of their trip remain largely silent. The last of Joel's cassettes is playing in the background, doing a pretty good job of filling the quiet. Joel for his part has the same stoic expression on his face that he's had since they got in the car this morning, probably trying his best to ignore the reason they're coming here and at the same time stealing himself for it.

Ellie studies him—the bandage on his wrist, the broken watch, his bruised nose with the butterfly stitches... The sight is so familiar. It hurts while still being a comfort somehow.

Joel catches her looking at him. "What?" he asks.

Ellie smiles at him. "You look like you lost a bar brawl."

"Really?" Joel takes a look into the rearview mirror. "Hm. I think I look like I won the bar brawl."

Ellie snorts, something warm and bright filling her chest.

Last night was in many ways a disaster, but in many ways it was also exactly the disaster she needed. She can look at Joel now without it feeling like her chest is going to cave in on her. When she looks at him now she doesn't see him anymore and for the first time since she came here she feels like she can relax into herself.

Ellie makes herself comfortable and directs her gaze at the window. Texas, for all its wide stretches of dry desert, is actually quite beautiful. She thinks of her Joel growing up here. This is his land—the place that shaped him, and Ellie feels right at home here. It's dry, it's rugged, but it's also warm and golden, and the last rays of the evening sun feel like a Welcome home after a rough day.

Now if only the music hadn't just switched from U2 to... whatever it is that's coming out of the stereo.

"Didn't know you were into hard rock," Ellie says.

Joel punches the power button of the radio and the car falls silent. "I'm not."

Right.

Ellie nods to herself, turning her gaze to the window again. She drums her fingers on the door, chews on the inside of her cheek.

She liked their silence better when the music was filling the gaps.

"Halican Drops."

Ellie startles, turning around in her seat. "Drops what, a shit? Jesus stop the car before—"

"What? No, that's not what I mean. Halican Drops is the name of the band that just played—Sarah's favorite. She told me once that if we were ever gonna get a dog she would name him Halican, so... That's where the name comes from."

Slowly Ellie sinks back into her seat. "That's... definitely better than him taking a shit on the backseat. Although... " She grins at him. "You do realize everyone is just gonna think you're a huge fan of that boy band."

Joel sighs. "It's the cross l've chosen to bear."

Ellie can't help it. She laughs, just a little. Just enough for a sound to come out of her chest. It's a strange feeling, the joy bubbling up in her. She can't remember the last time she laughed—her chest feels all rusty. Joel must notice it, too, because he looks at her with that special smile of his that Ellie has always thought he keeps just for her. She doubts anyone else would even be able to see it, since the stretch of his lips is mostly hidden by his beard, but his eyes go all soft and warm and Ellie thinks of all the times she must have looked at JJ that way, and what a beautiful and precious gift it is to carry the way someone loves a person inside oneself.

None the wiser to Ellie's thoughts, Joel relaxes his grip on the steering wheel, holding it loosely in one hand. He sighs, keeping to himself what Ellie is about to say out loud.

"This is one boring, long ass road."

"Yep."

"It's got its charm, though. The emptiness, the desert, the sunset... " Ellie shrugs. "I kinda like it."

Joel hums in thought. He scratches at his beard, takes a contemplative look into the rear and side mirrors. "How long's it been since you saw another car?"

Ellie thinks back on the last couple of miles."I don't know, a while?"

"Hm."

"Why, what are you thinking?"

Instead of answering Joel pulls over and stops the car. "Get out," he says, taking off his seatbelt.

"What are we doing?"

"We're switching seats."

"What? But you said I can't—"

Joel gets out of the truck and slams the door.

"—drive," Ellie finishes to herself. She raises an eyebrow at Halican, but he seems just as confused as she is.

Joel opens her door. "C'mon, scoot."

"Fine." Ellie climbs into the driver's seat and waits for Joel to get in the car.

"Now, " he starts, "wanna know what Tommy and I did when I got my driver's license?"

"Something stupid?"

"Close. Something fun."

Ellie narrows his eyes at him. "You're being weird."

Joel smiles in a way that reminds her of her Joel when he told her he found something for her birthday—all proud and sure of himself. He turns the radio back on and pushes the backtrack button until Where the streets have no name starts playing.

"There we go." He leans back in his seat, nods at the steering wheel. "Go on, drive.”

Ellie shoots him a bemused look, but does as she's told. She pulls back onto the road and accelerates to about fifty miles per hour.

"Come on. You can go faster than that."

"I'm not driving any slower than you did."

"I know, but that ain't why I'm letting you take the wheel."

Ellie is seriously starting to wonder what was in that coffee he got from the gas station a couple miles ago.

"Look, if you're too scared to go any faster than this, then that's fine, but—"

"Hang on, who are you calling scared? I'm not scared."

"Well, then step on it."

"Alright, old man, you asked for it." Ellie pushes her foot down, watches the needle pass sixty, on to seventy and when that guitar riff really sets in Ellie can't help the broad grin that takes over her face.

I wanna run, I want to hide.

Fuck yeah.

Ellie rolls down the windows, stretches her arm out. She feels the wind cut through her fingers—it grazes her cheeks and messes up her hair and Ellie thinks this is the closest to flying she'll ever get.

Joel laughs next to her—a warm, carefree sound she didn't get to hear nearly enough. Even the damn dog is trying to get the most of the moment. He's sticking his head past Joel's shoulder, trying to reach the window. The picture is so ridiculous that all Ellie can think is this moment right here. Remember this. Cherish it for all the moments you didn't get to cherish. Make a memory for all the memories you didn't get to make.

Tommy's words come back to her—the last words he said to her when he hugged her goodbye and left with JJ.

Don't waste this.

Now she knows what he meant.

And when I go there, I'll go there with you. It's all I can do.

Ellie soars down the road, like a prisoner breaking out of her cell, and a joyous laugh escapes her. Her chest doesn't feel so rusty anymore.

She is so caught up in the moment that she doesn't even register the blinking red and blue lights in the back, until Joel remarks upon them.

"Oh shit."

"What? What's going on?"

"It's the cops, pull over."

"Oh shit." Ellie takes a look over her shoulder and definitely sees what looks like a cop car. "Should we make a run for it?"

"No, we definitely shouldn't. Just pull over, it'll be fine."

Ellie slows to a stop, as does the cop car, a good fifty feet away.

Joel takes off his seat belt. "Quick, climb in the back."

She shoots Joel a doubtful glance.

"I'm serious. Now, before he sees you."

"Fucking hell..." Ellie mutters to herself and begins her climb over the middle console into the back of the car.

It's dark out now. Ellie can't make out much, but the cop seems to have as much trouble climbing out of his car as Joel does climbing into the driver's seat. He gets himself seated, turns off the music and a moment later the cop appears at his window.

Old guy, white mustache, cowboy hat, and going by the size of his gut hasn't chased a criminal in years.

"Evenin', folks," he says, pushing up his glasses.

Joel clears his throat. "Howdy."

The cop takes a critical look at Joel's face. "You're lookin’ a little rough there, pal."

"Yeah, that. I uh... just got into a bit of a bar brawl, that's all.”

Ellie represses a snort.

"Uh-huh. Had a drink too many, is that it?"

"Well, the other fella sure did."

"Going by the looks of it, the other fella won."

Joel grunts something in reply and Ellie is starting to find this whole situation tremendously funny.

"Can I see license and registration, please?"

Joel searches the glove box, rummaging through the cassettes until he finds whatever piece of paper he's looking for and gives it to the cop, adding his wallet.

The guy takes a careful look at both items. "Do you have any idea the speed you were going?"

"Bit fast there, huh."

"Speed limit is fiftyty, partner, and you were heading well toward eighty."

"I'm real sorry, officer, won't happen again."

"What brings you folks out here so late?"

"Visiting my daughter. She goes to college in Austin."

"This your daughter, Sir?" the cop asks, showing Joel the picture of Ellie in his wallet.

"That's right."

The cop points a finger at Ellie. "Why she look like her?" 

Joel takes a look over his shoulder as if to check what Ellie looks like. Ellie sends him a nervous smile and a raised eyebrow that hopefully translates into what the fuck are you doing? and Joel sends her look that Ellie translates into I don't fucking know. Then Joel looks back at the cop.

"They're, uh, twins."

The cop raises a skeptical eyebrow. "What about the dog?"

"Well, he's not a twin as far as I know."

"He oughta be secured. There's rules for that kinda thing."

"I'll be sure to get caught up on those."

The cop looks at Joel like he's not sure if he's taking the piss or not, but after another narrow-eyed look he gives Joel his wallet and registration back. "Austin is another hour from here—try to keep it under sixty, yeah?"

"Yes, Sir."

The cop tips his hat. "Enjoy your evening, folks."

"Will do, thank you."

And with another skeptical look at Ellie, which she responds to with that awkward fake smile she uses on people she unfortunately needs to be polite to, the cop wanders back to his car. Joel starts the truck and Ellie climbs back into the passenger seat.

"So..." she says, more than a little amused. "This is your and Tommy's idea of fun?"

"Well, it used to be, back when switching seats didn't feel like dislocating my hip." Joel meets her eyes and the youthful twinkle she finds there makes her snort a laugh.

"That was completely ridiculous."

Joel hums, a lopsided smile on his lips. "Fella didn't even give me a ticket."

And that's when Ellie laughs and it feels like the joy has never even left her chest.

Later, when they've settled into their last motel room of their trip and they're both lying in their beds, Ellie stares up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Joel is awake, too, she can tell. She can hear him breathe and his breaths are not the slow and deep ones of a sleeper.

"Hey Joel?" Ellie asks, pulling the blanket up to her chin.

"Yeah?"

"Why did you do that? Why did you let me drive?"

She can hear him shift under the covers. "I thought you might enjoy it."

"That simple?"

"That simple."

Ellie did enjoy it. It wasn't even just the simple fun and exhilaration of speeding down the road at  eighty miles an hour—it was also... the feeling of running toward something, instead of running away. For a precious few minutes Ellie could recognize herself. As much as she misses Joel, Dina and Jesse and JJ and Tommy, she realizes she misses herself, too. She misses the girl she used to be—grieves for her because there's something else she has realized: These fleeting moments of feeling like herself are all she has left. That's what remains of her: A passing someone lost in a sea of memories.

"Ellie? You okay?"

Only now does she notice the shuddering breath that's pushed through her throat. She tries to get her lungs back under control, wipes at her eyes before the tears get a chance to roll down her cheeks.

"Yeah, it's just..." she trails off, helpless. How can she even begin to explain the storm that's been raging inside her for so long now, she doesn't even remember what it was like when her mind was calm. "Do you ever wonder? About the person you would be now, if Sarah hadn't died?"

For a long moment Joel is quiet and Ellie almost thinks he's just not going to answer at all. "No," he eventually says, and he sounds so at peace with that that Ellie's chest tears itself apart with longing.

"So you never look back at the person you once were and just... don't recognize yourself anymore?"

Joel releases a long, heavy sigh that sounds like twenty-five years of... soldiering on. "There ain't no use in thoughts like that, Ellie. They ain't gonna lead you nowhere. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you're still you. All these little pieces you think you lost— they're still there. You just gotta find 'em again. Sometimes that means stepping off your path for a bit, doesn't mean you're lost."

In the dim moonlight, Ellie sees Joel's head turning toward her.

"What was that saying of yours? Just because it ain't on the map doesn't mean it ain't on track."

Ellie smiles sadly. "That's not a saying." 

"Well, you made it one, didn't you?" 

She sighs. "I suppose I did."

"Well, there you go." Joel turns his head back towards the ceiling, folding his hands on his chest.

Ellie keeps staring at him—at his silhouette illuminated by the moonlight—and feels a deep sense of appreciation for him.

"Hey Joel?" she asks once more.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she says simply.

Maybe Joel knows exactly what's going on in her head, better than she even knows, because all he says is, "you're welcome, kiddo," and for reasons she can't explain, that's exactly what she needed to hear.

Chapter Text

Ellie

"Tell me again why we're here?"

Ellie adjusts her binoculars trying to get a good look at the main entrance of the university. "Cause I'm nosey."

Joel sighs next to her, arms crossed over his chest. He's leant back in the driver's seat, eyes closed, though if that is because he's actually tired or because he doesn't want to look reality in the eyes, Ellie doesn't know.

Not that she cares all that much. Her eyes are on the students leaving the university.

Nope, not her, not her, not her...

"Are you sure she's here?"

"I know this is the university she goes to. If she's here right now, I have no idea."

"Can you ask Tommy?"

"No."

Ellie lowers her binoculars, giving Joel a flat look. "You are such a child."

"Says the one sitting there in a hoodie, baseball cap and sunglasses like some kind of undercover superhero."

"Well, if she is here I don't want her to recognize me, obviously."

"Trust me, if she sees us she'll be so preoccupied with punching me in the face, she won't even notice you."

"Holy shit, there she is."

That has Joel sitting up straight, scanning the crowd.

"Over there, walking down the stairs."

That's her alright. Her hair is a bit longer—similar to how Ellie used to wear it. She's wearing a flannel with the sleeves rolled up over a t-shirt and ripped jeans. Her sneakers look brand new, like she just bought them in a store. There's no tattoo on her arm, no scar, either. What she does have is a skateboard tucked under one arm, and backpack probably filled with books, instead of molotov and nail bombs.

Ellie lowers her binoculars, trying to swallow down the lump in her throat. She looks over to Joel, who looks like he's having the same problem. His eyes are trained on his Ellie, hands clenched around the steering wheel like that's the only thing stopping him from going over there.

Ellie turns her gaze at the other version of herself again and what had started out as a lump in her throat quickly becomes bile, when she sees Dina catching up with Other Ellie, snaking an arm around hers, quickly followed by Jesse ambushing them from behind throwing his arms around their shoulders.

Fucking Jesse. Not dead on the floor, but alive, smiling, cheerful. He says something that makes Dina laugh and Ellie can almost hear it—that bright sound reaching her ears, chasing the clouds from her mind. God, she's beautiful. Ellie's stomach cramps with the ache of missing her. She clenches her jaw, stares down at her white knuckled grip on the binoculars.

It was a terrible idea, coming here, wanting to catch a glimpse of how life could have worked out for her and the people she loves. She shouldn't have come. Her skin hurts and the noose she thought she'd lost tightens around her neck. She tries to suck in a breath, but the oxygen never reaches her lungs.

"Ellie?"

"I need some air." She's out of the car, before Joel can say anything, walking into the opposite direction of the university.

"Ellie!"

She walks faster, ignoring him, hears a car door slam shut.

"Ellie, wait up!"

She does the exact opposite. She breaks into a run. She runs away from Joel, she runs away from Dina and Jesse, she runs away from the life she wasn't allowed to have, she runs away from the life she could have had but screwed up.

"Ellie!"

She runs away.

Ellie stops when she can barely feel her legs anymore and her lungs are burning from exhaustion. She stops on the sidewalk, heaving for breaths. Lifting her gaze, she realizes she has no idea how far she's run, or where she even is. A quieter part of town, it seems like—there's barely any pedestrians about and no one spares her so much as a glance. Ellie looks up at the gray sky just as a raindrop comes down, landing on her cheek. Within the span of just a few moments rain is pouring down and Ellie quickly pulls her hood over the baseball cap—not that that really helps against the rain.

"Jesus Christ, what the hell?" It was sunny not even thirty minutes ago and now it's cats and dogs. "Fucking Texas..."

She looks around for a place to hide from the rain and sees a place called Sam's book cave. Sounds promising enough.

She hurries inside and quickly realizes the place is a library, and quite the cozy one at that. Heavy, wooden bookcases that seem like they’re bending under their weight, the walls are painted a dark green and the spots that aren't covered by bookshelves are covered by plants.

Book cave sounds about right.

Ellie pulls back her hood and hooks her sunglasses into the collar of her hoodie. 

Apart from her the place seems deserted. No other customers, not even a cashier, if that ancient looking desk is supposed to be a cash desk. 

Ellie takes a stroll through the aisles. This place has everything. From yellow-paged and dog-eared classics to graphic novels and—

Oooh. Comics. And not just any comics. There's an entire shelf dedicated to Savage Starlight, some titles she's never even heard of before. She pulls one out, looks at the publication date and sees December 2013. Post-outbreak.

"No way."

She can catch up on all the cliffhangers.

Just then the bell above the door jingles and Ellie looks to the door and sees—

Oh fuck.

It's Other Ellie. Holy crap, what now?

Ellie quickly dives into the next aisle, while Other Ellie takes a careful look around and—probably thinking no one's there—drops her skateboard and rides past the cash desk. She cruises through the aisles, tapping a rhythm against her thigh and only then does Ellie notice that Other Ellie is wearing earbuds, but there's no cord.

Cordless earbuds. That's pretty neat.

"Hey, Ellie! No skating indoors!"

That voice sounds weirdly familiar, but before Ellie can put her finger on it she's distracted by the super awesome move Other Ellie makes getting off her skateboard.

"Yep, sorry!" she says, kicking her board up and taking out her earbuds.

Hiding in her spot between the shelves Ellie smiles to herself. This Other Ellie is kinda cool. And she's heading directly toward the Savage Starlight shelf.

No surprises there.

She pulls one out, leaves through it, puts it back on the shelf... Ellie remembers that one—it was one of the weaker issues. She remembers complaining about it to Joel, about how the characters were acting out of character, making stupid decisions that led to a stupid ending. After her rant, Joel didn't even look up from the rabbit he was skinning and just told her, "if you don't like the story, write your own." That had shut her up. Ellie never did write her own story, mainly because she had neither notebook nor pen, but she dreamed one up, and on days when she didn't have a comic, the one in her head filled the gaps. And it wasn't half bad either.

Watching Other Ellie from her spot between the cooking books, Ellie makes a decision. It's probably a stupid one, but she can't help herself. And well... she's already in disguise and all... She pulls her hood over her head and puts on her sunglasses, which probably makes her look like a complete douche, but she can't exactly introduce herself to Other Ellie looking like, well... her.

Disguise in place she puts herself next to Other Ellie.

"Savage Starlight fan, huh?"

Other Ellie gives her a quick glance and Ellie immediately picks up on her annoyance. Pretty funny, that. She'd have hated being interrupted by some stranger during a comic scout.

"Yeah," Other Ellie says.

"Hm." Ellie takes a look at the one in her hand. "Which one have you got?"

"Uh, Deep Phase."

"Meh. That one's pretty flat actually—not nearly as deep as it sounds."

Other Ellie snorts. "Was that your attempt at a pun?"

"It was bad, wasn't it."

"Yeah, pretty bad."

Ellie smiles a bit, spotting a familiar comic on the shelf. "This one's my favorite," she says, pulling it out. It's got a special place in her heart because it's the one Joel found her after she shot that guy who was trying to drown him. She saw him pick up that comic and the hot coil of anger in her chest had immediately cooled down a little. Joel had picked up that comic, although just a minute earlier he'd been angry with her and although Ellie had been giving him the silent treatment. He hadn't called out to her like he usually did, but he still picked it up. It had been the first look into his softer side and Ellie treasures that comic more than any other.

"Accretion? Really?" Other Ellie doesn’t sound skeptical, more like... pleasantly surprised. "It's one of my favorites, too. Super underrated if you ask me."

"Totally. I mean, it's not as gory as the others, but it's got some great character moments."

"Yeah, right? Like that scene where Daniela Star and Captain Ryan need to decide if they save everyone on the spaceship or if they let it crash into the enemy's ship, so they win the battle."

"Exactly! One of my favorite scenes. Really gave you a glimpse into the characters' minds."

Other Ellie looks at her like she just found her new best friend. She stretches her hand out. "I'm Ellie."

Ellie hesitantly takes it. "Uh..." I know. "...cool."

Other Ellie raises an expectant eyebrow. "This is... usually the moment where you introduce yourself in turn."

"Oh, right, I'm Eeelllllll... " don't say it, don't say it, don't say it, "...lena." Because in times of crisis Uncharted is the first thing that comes to mind.

"Alright, Elena. I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. You new here?"

"Uh, not really, I’m just… passing through. Kind of on a road trip.”

"Oh, so where are you from?"

"Uhm, Jackson?"

Other Ellie definitely didn't see that coming. "Jackson, Wyoming?"

"That's the one. You know it?"

"Yeah, actually, I... lived there. For a while."

"Oh? You got family up there?"

Something dark passes over Other Ellie's features. Dark and a little sad. "I don't know. Maybe."

"Want me to pass on some regards when I get back?"

"Uh, no."

"You sure?"

"Yep, very. I'm not sure he'd want to hear it anyway."

You dumb fuck. You have no idea how badly he wants to hear it.

Other Ellie is staring at the bookshelf, but Ellie can tell she’s done looking for comics. It’s strange, reading her own face like that, knowing exactly what’s going on in that head. The fact that this Ellie misses her Joel is so plain to see, that Ellie wonders if back then everybody just knew when they looked at her, that she missed Joel more than she wanted to hate him. That being angry with him hurt more than the thought of what he’d done, and that her love for him burnt hotter than her rage and hate ever could.

Other Ellie wipes that expression off her face and that cold, pretend friendly expression that takes over her features feels like a slap in Ellie’s face.

Look at you. Who have you become?

"You know what?" Other Ellie says, "I gotta head home, got some people waiting for me. It was nice to meet you."

Ellie nods, taking a step back. "Yeah, you too," she says, though her voice is little more than a mumble.

Other Ellie drops her skateboard and cruises toward the exit.

Ellie steps toward the window and takes a look outside. The sky has cleared up; a few tentative sun rays are peeking through the clouds. Ellie looks to the left and then to the right. Finally she nods to herself. Yep. She has absolutely no idea where she is.

"Well, shit." How the hell is she supposed to get back to the motel? Back to Joel who is probably losing mind right now.

She could call him—that's what her phone is for, right? Ellie reaches behind her only to realise that her backpack isn't there because she left it in Joel's car, along with her phone.

"Great. Fucking perfect."

With absolutely no idea what to do Ellie steps out of the library. She takes a look down the street and sees Other Ellie cruising down the sidewalk. That's when an idea occurs to her.

"Ellie!" she calls out, running after her. "Ellie, wait up!"

Looking over her shoulder, Other Ellie slows her skateboard.

"Hey," Ellie says, catching up to her.

"Hey," Other Ellie says, a little confused.

"Hey, sorry, but... could I borrow your phone for a sec?"

"Uh... sure." Other Ellie pulls out her phone and gives it to her.

"Thanks," Ellie says and scrolls through the contacts. She doesn't find Joel's name there (because that would have been too easy) but she finds Dina and Jesse, Maria, Tess and Tommy, along with a bunch of others. She definitely can't call Dina or Jesse and she's not sure if Maria even knows she exists. Tess is not gonna be much use here, so the only option left is Tommy.

She taps on his name.

He picks up pretty quickly. "Hey, kid, what's up?"

"Hey, To- To- Tommm... "—she glances at Other Ellie who's giving her a pretty weird look—"...as. Thomas. Hi."

There's a pause. "What?"

She raises an apologetic finger at Other Ellie. "One sec, " she says and takes a few steps away from her. Then she whispers into the phone, "Tommy, it's me."

"Yeah, I know. Caller ID and all."

"What? No, it's the other me, the other Ellie."

Another pause. "Are you high?"

"Oh for fuck's sake. Apocalypse Ellie, Zombie Ellie, Parallel Universe Ellie! Ringing any bells here?"

"Oh! Wait, but how—"

"Long story short: I dragged Joel's ass down to Texas but when we met the other Ellie I freaked and ran off. But then I met her in a library, we had a nice little chat and now I'm borrowing her phone to call you, so you can call Joel and tell him where I am, before he gets another heart attack."

"Yeah, about the heart attack... have you told him he's a dumbass?"

"Of course, I have."

"Good. Multiple times?"

"Yep."

"Very good. Now, tell me your story again, cause I didn't get a word of that."

"Oh for—” Ellie resists the urge to pull her hair out. “It doesn't matter. Just call Joel and tell him I'm at Sam's book cave."

"Yeah, I know the place."

"Great, awesome. Look, I need to give Other Ellie her phone back, she's giving me weird looks."

"Well, I'd be looking pretty fucking weird, too, if my doppelganger was asking for my phone."

"I'm in disguise, Tommy. Obviously."

"What, like a fake mustache?"

"More like undercover superhero."

"That actually works?"

"Apparently. Though it might not for much longer, if I don't get out of here."

"Yeah, okay. Sam's book cave —I'll pass it on."

"Thanks. Hey, Tommy?"

"What?"

"I'm not wasting this. I know what you meant now, and I just want you to know that I'm... I'm not wasting it."

Tommy is quiet for a moment and Ellie bites her lip waiting for an answer. "That's good, Ellie. I'm really glad to hear that."

"Yeah, I think... I think I got this."

"Apart from the freaking out part?"

"Yeah, apart from that. Minor setback, we’re ignoring that.” 

"Uh-huh."

"I mean, the rest is pretty much on Joel, but... I'm not wasting this. Just want you to know that."

Tommy hums. "You know, for what it's worth, I'm really glad you popped into our world. You've definitely left a mark on Joel—I can tell you that much. And I mean that in a good way."

Ellie ducks her head, shifts her weight. "Thanks."

"No sweat." She can hear his smile. "I'll give Joel a call, tell him where you are."

"Alright. Bye, Tommy."

"Take care of yourself, yeah?"

"Of course."

Ellie hangs up the phone and makes it back to Other Ellie. "Thanks," she says, giving her her phone back.

"No problem. Everything okay?"

"Hm? Oh yeah, just needed to call someone to pick me up, that's all."

"Oh." Other Ellie hesitantly puts her phone away. "So you're gonna be alright here?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay, well... see you around, maybe."

"Maybe, and uh, hey... one last thing. In case someone from your past shows up, looking to make amends... don't send them away. Seriously, you never know how much longer they're around."

Other Ellie’s gaze shoots up, something akin to fear in her eyes. "What? How do you— Why would you say that?"

Ellie shrugs. "I say that to everyone who's phone I borrow. You never know when it could be true."

Other Ellie’s eyes dart back and forth as she frowns at Ellie. "Do we know each other?"

"Nope." Ellie grins. "Have a nice day." And with that Ellie starts walking back to the library. Some moments later she hears a skateboard rolling over cobblestones and she turns, staring after Other Ellie until she disappears around a corner. That's the last she's seen of her—she's sure of it. Now it's up to Joel.

Ellie sits down on the stairs of the library, takes off sunglasses, hood and baseball cap and waits. Not for long, though. Barely five minutes pass, until Joel's familiar pick-up pulls up with Halican barking at the window. Joel stops the car on the other side of the road, opening the door before the tires have  even stopped rolling.

"Ellie!" He crosses the street without looking and Ellie has just enough time to stand up and say a quick, "Hey," before Joel takes her by the shoulders and crushes her to his chest. Ellie stiffens at first, not really expecting that kind of greeting, but then she does what she wishes she would have done years ago in front of St. Mary's: She raises her arms around his ribcage and holds him in return, feeling his chest rise and fall with a deep sigh.

"What the hell was that? Just running off like that... You gotta be careful. You can't just run away."

"Sorry," Ellie says, though her voice is smothered by his shoulder a bit. "I kinda freaked out back there."

Joel loosens their embrace, holding her at arm's length and pins her with a gaze that is so filled with worry that Ellie feels terribly guilty.

"Are you alright?"

Ellie nods. "Yeah, I'm good, it was just... seeing Jesse and Dina and... and Ellie... it was just... " she trails off, letting out a breath. "A bit much."

Joel's eyes soften, his grip on her shoulder relaxes. He nods at the car. "Come on," he says with a reassuring hand on her back, "let's get back to the motel."

Ellie tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, nods. "Okay." 

She crosses the street with Joel, getting to the passenger's side of the car, but just before she gets in she looks at the library one more time and sees a familiar face stepping behind the counter.

She can't immediately place it—it's just a vague feeling of I know that face—and then it hits her.

It's Sam.

He's not thirteen anymore—that's why she didn't recognize him at first. He looks older, bears a striking resemblance to Henry, actually.

Ellie smiles to herself.

Sam's book cave.

"Props to you, Sam."

"Ellie?" Joel's voice appears from out of the car. "You coming?"

"Yep." Ellie takes one last look at Sam, is happy with who she sees and joins Joel in the car.

Chapter Text

Ellie

They pull into the parking lot of the motel. Joel stops the car, but neither of them makes a move to exit it. Joel leans back in his seat with a sigh, staring out of the window like he's trying to find the courage to start whatever conversation lies in the air.

Ellie decides to relieve him of that burden.

"I met her, you know."

Joel turns to look at her.

"I mean, Tommy probably told you that, but... I met her. She's kinda cool—I see why you like her."

Joel huffs a laugh, running a hand over his face. "Yeah." He sighs, taps his fingers on the steering wheel. Then he looks at her. "You still got that bottle of whiskey?"

Ellie frowns. "Yeah, why?"

"I need a drink."

Two minutes later, they're sitting in the bed of Joel's truck, taking turns on the bottle.

"Can I ask you something?"

Joel swallows his sip. "What?"

"How did you and Ellie meet?"

A warm smile takes over his features. "She, uh... heh, she pickpocketed me."

"Seriously?"

"Yep, and it was her lucky day, because I had just been to the bank and carried 200 dollars in cash with me."

"Is that... a lot?"

"A Iot to lose to a pickpocketing twelve year old, yeah. Apparently she felt a bit guilty about that, too, because the next day I found her waiting for me at Tess's coffee shop and she gave me the money back. Came up twenty bucks short, though."

"What'd you do?"

"I asked her what she spend it on on she looked at me, damn near offended, and said What's it got to fucking do with you? So I told her if she was gonna steal my money the least she could do was tell me if she spent it well, and she looked me dead in the eye and said, Drugs and stalked off."

Ellie laughs. "Yeah, okay, I can definitely see that happening. But considering the moment I met my Joel I tried to stab him... you came off easy."

Joel smiles, lost in thought. "Few days later I'm at the store and she gets caught trying to steal a dozen or so energy bars and I reckoned... A kid doesn't steal energy bars for fun. They steal a candy bar or a bag of chips. Only reason they'd steal energy bars is if they didn't know where their next meal would come from."

"She was homeless?"

"That's what I thought, so I walked up to the counter and paid for the damn things. Told the cashier I'd owe him a favor if he didn't call the cops."

Ellie smiles, taking the bottle from him. "You're just a big softie, aren't you."

"Well, Ellie was the one who kept showing up at Tess's coffee shop at the off chance that I would come by, so she could share the damn energy bars with me. Said if I'm the one who paid for them, the least I could do is eat them. Tess texted me every time she saw Ellie sitting at the doorstep and I'd come over, pretend like those energy bars didn’t taste like whatever they throw away at chemistry factories, and Ellie would tell me about her day. And... yeah. Things just fell into place from then on."

Ellie hums, sitting there in the aftermath of Joel's words and can't help but think about what love does to a person. Joel is not a big talker on his best of days, but whenever he gets the opportunity to talk about Ellie, he barely shuts up. It's beautiful, endearing even, and it makes Ellie a little jealous.

"Have you ever met Riley?" she asks.

Joel's expression sobers. "Once, yeah. Ellie brought her along one time. I don't think she liked me very much. She kept looking at me in a way... like she knew I was gonna take Ellie away from her. After the adoption they met up less and less. They hadn't seen each other for weeks by the time Riley was announced missing. Not as far as I know, at least."

"Do you think they had a fight or something?"

"Could be. If they did, Ellie never told me about it. Once she realized Riley wasn't a fan of me she became pretty quiet about her, and I didn't pry, so..."

Ellie smiles softly, running her thumb over the neck of the bottle. "You know, for someone who hates talking about his feelings you understand those of others pretty well."

"Because I didn't pry?"

"Because you respect people's privacy the same way you'd want your own privacy to be respected."

With a quick glance at Ellie Joel grabs the whiskey, raising it to his lips. "Sounds like common courtesy to me," he says and takes a swig.

"Actually," Ellie says, putting her hand into the pocket of her hoodie, "not so common." And with that she pulls out the letter. She's pretty sure she sees some of the color leave Joel's face. "Don't get a heart attack. I didn't read it, I swear. But I think it's about time you did."

Joel bites his lip, staring at the letter in her hand. He takes it, puts his finger under the flap and... doesn't open it.

Ellie sighs. "Gimme that." She snatches it back, rips it open and pulls out the piece of paper that has a habit of sending Joel into cardiac arrest. He doesn't protest, though, so Ellie figures she's good to go.

She folds the letter open and begins to read.

"Dear Ellie."

And she immediately stops. "Wait, what?"

"I did tell you you don't know what you're talking about when you first came to me with that letter."

Ellie's hand trembles, sending the letter into a quiver. She stares down at her name where it should be Joel’s. "I don't understand."

Joel takes a breath. "It's not a letter from Ellie to me—it's a letter from me to Ellie. One I never sent."

"Why the hell not?"

Joel hesitates before answering, avoiding Ellie's eyes. "I don't know."

"Oh, fuck that. I don't believe you. You know exactly why you didn't send it, you're just afraid of admitting it."

Joel nods slowly, staring at the bottle in his hand. "Afraid is the right word."

"Afraid of what?"

"You know her better than anyone—you tell me. If you'd gotten a letter from your Joel what would you have done with it?"

Ripped it to pieces is the first thing that comes to Ellie's mind. At least right after she found out what he did. Back then her anger was so suffocating the idea of forgiveness hadn't even crossed her mind. But later—much later—she probably would have stared at the letter for a good long while and then put it on a shelf somewhere, until one day she'd have been ready to open it.

But Ellie doesn't say any of those things and Joel takes her silence for an answer.

"So, I wasn't that far off, was l?"

"But I'm not her, and I don't know her better than anyone. Maybe she'd have gotten that letter and taken the first plane back here."

"It don't matter anymore—I didn't send it."

"You could still give it to her."

Joel shakes his head. "No. That letter isn't for her anymore. I met someone who needs to hear it even more than she does."

And with that Joel carefully takes the letter from Ellie's hand, straightens the paper out, and begins to read.

"Dear Ellie," he begins, and Ellie immediately loses the ability to breathe.

"What are you doing?" she asks in a voice so shaky she has trouble recognizing herself.

"I'm going to tell you something that I reckon no one has ever told you before. If you'll let me.”

Something in Ellie's chest feels like it's on fire. A burn, a sting, something digging its claws in, cutting into her from the inside out. Ellie barely feels herself nod, but it's enough for Joel, and once again he begins to read.

"Dear Ellie,

Maybe you're surprised to hear from me. I know I am surprised to be writing to you, and in case you're actually reading this I'm even more surprised you didn't tore this letter to pieces. You have every right to, after all.

It's been over three years since you left and I think you know me well enough that you're not looking for an apology or explanation in this letter—although you'd be entitled to both of those—but I think it's about time someone tells you something you need to hear. Right now you're probably angry with me for thinking I know you better than you know yourself. It's not a terribly comfortable thought, but maybe in this singular instance, I do.

Ellie, I know you think you carry the world's burden on your shoulders, but let me tell you something: you don't. Now, don't roll your eyes at me—I know that's easy for me to say. You want to save every person you meet; you hear all the cries for help everyone else is deaf to, but Ellie, being the savior of everyone you come across is not your responsibility.

And you might hate me for saying this, but saving Riley wasn't your responsibility either. You're allowed to have good things happening to you. You don't have to carry the pain and suffering of others. Although I know the feeling. Ask any parent and I guarantee you if carrying twice the load meant their child wouldn't know a day of suffering in their life, they'd do it.

Maybe that's your explanation right there.

Don't get me wrong. With this letter I'm not asking for forgiveness and I'm not expecting a response. I don't know even know how much this means to you coming from me, but l'm hoping that maybe you can start letting go of some of that guilt you carry around and stop looking at yourself as the girl who failed her best friend. Because you didn't, Ellie. You never failed anyone.

And just in case you need someone to tell you that every now and then, you know where to find me.

Love,

Joel" 

Joel folds the letter—Ellie hears the crinkle of paper—and puts it down between them. Neither of them speak. Ellie doubts she could, even if she wanted to. If she opened her mouth now she would either throw up or start crying. Maybe that would stop her skin from feeling like it's trying to peel itself off.

"Ellie?"

She sucks in a shaky breath

"What are you thinking?"

She lets it out slowly. "I'm thinking you should have sent her that letter. Would have spared you the last ten months of heartache."

"Hm." Out of the corner of her eye Ellie sees him looking at her. "I'm glad I didn't. That way I got to read it to you."

"Joel..." His name rushes out of her in a breath. "You need to go. Go and talk to her, please. I need you to—" She stops. Hesitates. Then she gathers all her courage and looks at him. "I need you to."

Joel's eyes are pinned on hers and whatever he finds there makes him nod ever so slightly. "Okay," he says simply and Ellie feels the first brick in the wall around her mind loosen. "Okay." He looks at the letter between them, biting his lips. "Will you be alright here on your own?"

Ellie nods. It’s all she can manage.

In the end it's strange, after four days spent in the car together, to see him drive off without her. She supposes it's his turn to run toward something instead of running away and Ellie has no place in that part of the adventure. They each have to walk their last mile alone and the closer Joel comes to finishing his, the closer Ellie comes to starting hers.

She looks down at Halican, tugging at his leash.

"You wanna go for a walk, buddy?"

His ears perk up in agreement and Ellie sends one last look down the street, sees Joel's tail lights disappear around the corner. It feels a bit like letting him slip through her fingers, but Ellie knows it was always going to end like this.

"Come on, then," she says and the two of them walk into the dusk.

They stop on a hill not too far from the motel. Ellie sits down on the cool grass, facing the setting sun. It's a chilly night and Ellie pulls Joel's jacket out of her backpack and puts it on. Halican curls up next to her, a warm presence at her side.

She strokes over his back. "I'm gonna miss you, pal," she says, and distantly she wonders when she started thinking of going home.

A cold breeze passes by her and as Ellie puts her hands in the pockets of Joel's jacket she is once again reminded of his watch. She takes it out, studying it in the fading light of the sunset, running her thumb over the cracks in the glass.

She feels like that—cracked and broken and stuck in time. So damn fragile that she's walking on eggshells in her own mind. Ever since she came back from Seattle she's felt like she's trying to cross a frozen lake in her mind, but every time she thinks of Joel she hears the ice crack and has to retreat back to the shore.

One step forward two steps back.

She stares down at Joel's watch, wishing so intensely—more intensely than she has ever allowed herself to—for him to be here. Next to her. By her side.

"I miss you," she breathes and that's when that first tear falls, right onto the watch, disappearing between the cracks.

Ellie feels the ice under her feet break and stays right where she is. She wants to miss him, she wants to let herself miss him. She never has before. Every time he got too close Ellie pushed him away. She had rather simmered in her rage than drowned in her grief.

But she can't find her rage now. She's standing alone on a frozen lake, ice cracking, and she lets it happen.

Ellie clutches his watch as her tears spill over, wishing she could clutch his hand instead.

I'm sorry it took me so long, but I'm here now.

Ellie cries, burrowing her face in the collar of his jacket. His scent gets fainter every day, but for now it's here and Ellie breathes it in—the closest to an embrace she's ever going to get. Wood and varnish and sunlight, and Ellie closes her eyes and lets the sobs wreck her body.

Chapter Text

Joel

Sitting in his car on the side of the road Joel is getting a distinct sense of deja vu. Less than a year ago he was parked in the exact same spot, staring at the house like a kicked out puppy. The only difference now is that he's not staring at the house; he's staring at the trailer Ellie calls home. The lights are on and every now and then Joel sees a shadow pass by the window which means Ellie is in there right now. Joel should really knock on the door, if only so the neighbors won't call the cops on him because what he's doing right now looks an awful lot like stalking.

He's going to knock.

He's going to get out of his car, walk over there and knock on the door.

Any second now.

If only his hand wasn't gripping the steering wheel like a drowning man would hold on to a lifebelt.

In the neighboring house a light switches on and a bespectacled old lady appears at the window, shooting him a narrow eyed look. Her arm reaches to the side and just at the off chance she's actually reaching for her phone Joel gathers all his courage and steps out of the car. He raises two fingers at the old lady in greeting, (pretty sure he sees her arm lowering—though she doesn't lose that narrow eyed look), tries and fails to work up some confidence, but marches over to the trailer anyway. He owes other Ellie that much—whether this works out or not.

The trailer is far enough from the house that Tommy shouldn't notice him (because he really doesn't want to have that conversation) and far enough for privacy, while not making it look like Ellie got exiled from her own house.

It's a cozy little thing—a miniature cabin on wheels, basically. Even got a small porch. Joel can picture Ellie there, picking away at her guitar.

He's gotta hand it to Tommy—He did a good job with this trailer.

The porch creaks when Joel steps on it, as any porch would that has to endure Ellie pounding up and down the floorboards. The thought makes Joel smile a little.

Right. He's made it to the door. Now on to the actually difficult part. Knocking. Joel wills his pounding heart to calm down—it would do no good to have a heart attack on Ellie's doorstep—raises his fist to the door and—

Knocks.

Twice his knuckles connect with the door and Joel takes a step back, briefly contemplates vomiting over the banister, decides against it and then the door opens.

But it's not Ellie who greets him with a warm smile. It's a woman about Ellie's age with black hair and brown eyes, and Joel takes a leap of faith and guesses this is Dina.

Which he did not plan for.

"Uhm... hi, I'm—"

"Joel, I know," she says with a smile, and before either of them can say anything more JJ's voice rings out to them.

"Ellie?"

Dina answers, "no, honey, it's Ellie's Dad."

Ellie's Dad?

Dina crouches down, stretching out a hand. "You wanna say hi to your Grandpa?"

Grandpa?

Joel tries to swallow past the tightness in his throat as JJ appears in the doorway, taking his Mom's hand. He smiles shyly at Joel, pressing himself into Dina's side. "Hi," he says.

Joel tries for a smile, lifting his hand in a wave. "Hey."

Dina straightens up, running a hand through JJ's hair. "You remember Joel, right?"

JJ nods, not taking his eyes off Joel, still with that shy grin on his face. Dina smiles at him the same way Ellie smiled at him—full of love—then she addresses Joel.

"He takes that little giraffe everywhere he goes, you know. It's his new best friend— named him Jerry. Pretty sure that was Ellie's idea, though."

Even if Joel knew what to say to that, he wouldn't be able to say it. The words wouldn't get past the lump in his throat.

"Oh, I forget!" Dina says with a hand at her forehead. "You have no idea who I am, do you? I' m—"

"Dina, right? Tommy mentioned you here and there."

Dina hums with a twinkle in her eyes. "So, Tommy couldn't help spilling the beans, could he?"

"Uh... well, I, uhm..."

"Relax, I'm messing with you." She stretches out a hand. "It's nice to finally meet you."

Joel shakes it. "You too."

"But you're not here for me, are you?"

"Ah, no. I was looking for—"

Dina smiles knowingly. "She's at the old church. it's where she gives her guitar lessons."

"Old church?"

"It's not far. Just head to the elementary school. You should be able to see it from there. "

"That church. Wasn't called the old church when I lived here."

"It is now. Times change, don't they?"

Joel raises an eyebrow in agreement. "They do indeed."

"She usually hangs around for a bit after she's finished the lesson. If you head there now you should be able to catch her."

Joel nods. "Thanks." He turns to leave, but Dina halts him.

"Joel Miller."

He stops.

Dina's lips pull into a lopsided smile. "You're not so bad."

Joel shifts his weight, hooking his thumb into his belt. "I'm... not quite sure what to say to that."

"Well, Ellie didn't tell me a whole lot about you, so I tried to come up with someone somewhere between Tommy and... a lying, selfish dick. And let's just say I didn't come up with much. But you're not so bad."

"You don't know me."

"Not yet, no. I have a feeling that's about to change, though."

Joel lowers his gaze. It falls on JJ hiding behind Dina's leg and Joel only now notices he's holding the wooden giraffe. The wood is not bare anymore, though; it's painted yellow with brown spots and black eyes. The paint job doesn't look like that of a two year old. It makes Joel wonder who painted it and why his heart insists on telling him it was Ellie.

"We'll see," he says and then he winks at JJ who blinks at him in return. Joel smiles, amused. He has yet to meet a toddler who can wink.

Joel looks at Dina again. "I'm gonna... get outta your hair."

"You're not in my hair. But you should probably get going, yeah."

"Right, well... have a nice evening."

Dina hums, again with that lopsided smile. "Good luck," she says, and Joel decides—not that Ellie needs it or anything, but... he approves.

Dina is a very lucky woman. They both are.

And with that thought in mind Joel turns and heads back to the car. On his way there he risks a glance at the main house and sees—to his immense displeasure—Tommy standing at the window with a dumb grin on his face and giving him two thumbs up. Joel sighs, only just resisting the urge to give him two middle fingers. He's an adult, after all, unlike Tommy who's clearly a four year old. Honestly, the only thing missing is one of those giant foam fingers to complete the look.

In an attempt at discouraging him Joel stubbornly looks the other way, but he can still see Tommy laughing as he steps away from the window.

By the time Joel pulls up at the church the sun has nearly disappeared. Its last rays are shining into the colored windows and Joel can only imagine the spectacle of light that must take place in there.

He turns off the engine, pulls the key out of the ignition and leans back into his seat. Strangely, all his nervousness and from before is gone. Probably used it all up, only for Dina to open the door. Might be for the best, really. Now he looks at the church, knowing for sure this time that Ellie will be there, and all he feels is... an eerie calmness. By the time he walks out of that church his life has either gotten significantly better or worse than ever. Knowing there's this inevitability to his situation, knowing there's only two possible outcomes puts his mind strangely at ease.

Well.

He supposes there's a third one. He could just... not talk to her. He could go back, tell other Ellie they've worked it out. He could lie to her. What would it matter? One way or another, Other Ellie is going to return to her world sooner or later and Joel will be... alone. Again.

What would be the consequences of that lie?

Joel can't think of any, other than it would make him even more of a shitty person than he already is.

He sighs.

No, there's no third option. He's not going to lie to Ellie—not again. Not to either of them.

He gets out of the car, walks over to the church and opens the heavy wooden doors.

He was right about the spectacle of light taking place. The sun's golden rays are shining through the red and blue and green glass of the windows, throwing spots of color on the floor. Dust particles are hovering in the air, glinting in the light.

Joel had forgotten that this place could actually be quite beautiful. Sarah's funeral had been a dark and cloudy day and the church had felt cold and dreary. The benches are pushed to the side now, but he still remembers where he sat. First row, the aisle to his left, Tommy to his right. Joel had spent the entire funeral staring at the photo of Sarah next to her coffin, while the pastor, Tommy and God knows who else held their eulogies. He doesn't remember a word of them. He remembers Tommy's hand gripping his shoulder at one point, which made him realize that there were tears running down his face. Back then he hadn't had the strength to hold them back. That came later. A few days after the funeral, when the mother of Sarah's best friend showed up and gave him the package with the watch in it, saying that she found it by the side of the road, because it must have...

She'd kept the rest of the sentence to herself, but it wasn't too hard filling the gaps. The watch must have been thrown out of Sarah's hand when the car slammed into her. Or when her body hit the floor.

Whichever it was, the moment Joel had put on the watch he'd gone numb to it. All of it. There have been no tears since then.

Joel sighs, staring at the altar and damns it all the way to hell, not particularly caring if he will join it there when the time comes. Goddamn this church. Of all the places Ellie could have picked for her guitar lessons...

Speaking of...

Joel can hear the soft twang of a guitar being played in the room on the right. Slowly he walks closer, careful that his steps don't echo through the hall.

The door is about halfway open and Joel can see her sitting on a chair with a guitar in her lap. She has her back to him, otherwise she'd have seen him already. Joel stops, his heart beating so wildly he's almost surprised Ellie doesn't hear it. She keeps picking away at her guitar, a quiet melody full of melancholy, until she suddenly stops, releasing a sigh. She gets up, crossing the room toward the guitar stand and Joel decides to make himself known.

The door creaks when he pushes it open, but Ellie doesn't even turn her head.

"Lesson's over," she says, setting the guitar on its stand, "come back next week if you wanna join in."

Joel clears his throat. "I'm not here for a lesson. Though I have no doubt you could teach me something."

Ellie stands stock-still as if someone pressed a pause-button on her. Only her head twitches upright as if she wasn't sure she heard right.

Staring at the back of her head Joel feels a pit growing in his stomach. He swallows. "Ellie?"

Slowly, she turns and at the side of her face a rushed exhale escapes him.

This is Ellie. His Ellie. One might argue that he's seen that face every day for the past three weeks, but he hasn't—not really. He hasn't seen that face in three years. Not like this—not her standing right in front of him. Three years and yet he knows her like no time at all has passed.

Her brow furrows, she narrows her eyes at him. "What the fuck happened to your face?"

Joel blinks, a little taken aback. That's not exactly what he expected her first words to be, but then he remembers his busted nose and well... he supposes the question is not completely unreasonable.

"I uh... I got mugged."

Both her eyebrows shoot up. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. It all worked out, though. Someone came along, played the hero."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

Joel clenches his hand in the following silence, not knowing how to start the conversation he came here for and unable to tear his eyes from Ellie's. Hers dart back and forth, until the corners of her lips tremble into a bitter line. She looks away, crossing her arms.

"What are you doing here, Joel?"

"I, uh... Dina pointed me here, she—"

"Dina?"

"Yeah, I stopped by your trailer, but you weren't there. She told me I'd find you here, so..."

"Alright." She shifts, raises her chin at him. "You found me. What do you want?"

Joel sees the tension in her shoulders, sees the way her lips twitch every few seconds. Her hand is gripping her upper arm so tightly the tips of herr fingers are turned white.

Joel sighs. His own fist relaxes as the tension leaves his shoulders. "I don't want anything from you. I just came here to talk."

"Talk about what?"

You know what.

She must know. Otherwise she wouldn't be so defensive.

"About Riley," Joel says. "About her death."

Ellie's eyes blaze with anger at his words. "You got some fucking nerve. What stopped you from talking to me about it three years ago, huh?"

In hindsight, maybe Joel should have prepared some words. Maybe that way he'd know what to say to that now, or maybe he'd have come up with a better choice of words.

"Ellie—"

"Fuck." Ellie's demeanor crumbles. Her arms fall to her side as she drops into a chair, face in her hands. Her shoulders lift with a shaky breath and Joel reflexively takes a step forward, his hand reaching for her, but he stops himself. He's surely the last person Ellie wants comfort from.