Chapter Text
He’s done it his whole life, the damn nerd. As long as Katsuki can remember Deku would be carrying along doing whatever and randomly start singing. Honestly, it was kind of strange but also kind of adorable. Deku had a sweet, melodic voice and as he grew up, the constant singing paid off as his voice only became more beautiful. Katsuki remembers him when they were small, singing songs from Disney movies and coloring, as he watches Deku in the dorm kitchen singing Encanto as he chops vegetables with Katsuki for dinner. There wasn’t even music playing, there really never had to be for Deku to start singing though.
Katsuki would never admit it, but he loved when Deku randomly burst into song like a fucking broadway character. He felt like he was getting an inside look into the nerd’s mind.
Sometimes the songs seemed to fit whatever mood Deku was in, he would burst out in old pop hits from their childhood when he was excited and comfortable and goofy and sweet, calm songs, like Ed Sheeran when he was relaxed and comfortable.
Other times it seemed like the songs were just whatever was his favorite at the moment. Those were the times that made Katsuki the most curious. The songs weren’t always the same. One day it would be Izuku singing a broadway song on repeat and the next it would be the new Halsey or Waterparks. When he started hearing Deku repeat a song over and over, he didn’t find it annoying, he just wondered why that song. What about that song, or that line if it was just a snippet Deku kept repeating, made him so attached to it at this moment? Was it the lyrics cutting a new connecting path for the synapses in his brain that felt right? Or was it something in the melody that felt good to sing?
These thoughts run through his head as he hears Deku start singing something that sounds vaguely familiar….”When I’m away from you, I’m happier than ever, wish I could explain it better, I wish it wasn’t true.” Katsuki looks at him surprised and confused. He thought he knew the song but it sounded awful sad and tired for the usually upbeat and optimistic Izuku.
Katsuki typed the lyrics in his phone after making sure Deku couldn’t see what he was doing and quickly “Billie Eilish - Happier Than Ever” popped up. He hit the lyrics link and read through the words…
[insert happier than ever lyrics here]
He felt sick. He felt like he’d been hit by a bus and like his heart was in his throat stopping the flow of oxygen. It was like Deku had written that song about him! The lyrics fit their story so well, Katsuki couldn’t breathe. What if Deku was singing it to let Katsuki know in the least embarrassing way possible that he would be happier if Katsuki wasn’t around him?
He remembers hearing him sing “Waiting on a Miracle” from Encanto on a loop for a week after they watched it. He never asked, but it was so clear from watching Deku sniffle and cry watching the scene that he related to Mirabel and the song due to his own experiences being quirkless. What if he related to Billie’s song because of Katsuki?
As he listens to the nerd sing and chop veggies, he thinks how Deku deserves to be happy all the time and realizes he would do anything to make sure he was happy…even if that meant backing off.
As their friendship improved, Katsuki found himself spending more and more time around the nerd and only wanting to be around him more. After waking in the hospital for taking a shot from Shigaraki meant for Deku and only wanting to know of Deku was alright, he could no longer deny he felt more for the nerd than just friendship.
After that, and retrieving the shithead from his stupid vigilante bullshit, he hardly let the nerd out of his sight. Every morning they trained together before classes and eating lunch together and making and eating dinner together. On weekends, they could be found together whether it was at the movie theater seeing the new superhero film or the training ring getting some extra practice in. Often they would even go home together and have family dinners with their parents.
Now though, Katsuki was thinking maybe the nerd didn’t enjoy all that time together as much as he thought…maybe he just didn’t want to face the possibility of making Katsuki angry so he went along with it. Katsuki had vowed he would never hurt Deku again and yet he feared that’s exactly what he was doing by making him be around him all the time. So Katsuki decided he would give the nerd space.
After dinner, Izuku turned to Katsuki and said, “hey you wanna come to my room and finish that All Might documentary?” A normal enough thing for them to do on a weeknight, often binging a series together. Katsuki wanted to accept like normal, but then he remembered “when I’m away from you” coming from deku’s mouth so emotionally and instead says “sorry, I gotta study.”
“Oh. That’s okay! I probably should too. Whatcha need to work on? I haven’t done any of my homework yet.”
“Uhh, English. I gotta read so I’m gonna do it in my room.”
“Ok! Want me to join?”
“No. I think I’m gonna study on my own for a bit.”
“Oh” Izuku said, looking crestfallen. “Uh, okay. Guess I’ll see you in the morning for training then?”
Katsuki made a noncommittal noise and took their plates to the dishwasher before going to hide out in his room and mope.
For the next week, Katsuki was more miserable and stressed out than he’d been since Deku’s coma. He’d blown the nerd off for everything they usually did together, ignoring him when Izuku knocked on his door the next morning for training and telling him later that Katsuki overslept. Izuku was suspicious, Katsuki was a creature of habit and never overslept as far as Izuku recalled, but Izuku didn’t push it, knowing if something was wrong Katsuki would talk to him when he was ready.
Izuku did start worrying when Katsuki continued acting weird all week. He didn’t sit with him at lunch or offer to make him dinner. He rejected Izuku’s offers to study or train together and missed out on all of their usual training sessions, even blowing off their usual tea with All Might! All Might of course asked after the blond, thinking his distance was strange after how close the boys had gotten. Just having someone else acknowledge Kacchan was acting weird helped Izuku feel a little better.
Things came to a head when Izuku went to Kacchan’s room to grab a notebook he’d left there while they were working on a project and heard the blond chatting with Kirishima.
“It’s like he won’t take the hint and just keeps following me everywhere! I don’t know how to be more clear without being a dick!” The blond complained.
“Dude you’ve barely acknowledged he exists in the last week. He’s smart enough to know what ghosting is.”
“I’m not fucking ghosting him! How can you even ghost someone you weren’t dating? I am just getting some space! We were spending like every waking minute together.”
“Uh yeah dude, the whole class knows. We saw. Why do you think I asked why you ghosted him?”
“I DIDNT FUCKING GHOST HIM”
“Bro, you made like Danny Phantom this week! Honestly, I can’t believe you guys weren’t dating. You looked so happy being around him, well happy for you I guess, more like less explosive.”
“Yeah well appearances can be deceiving.” Katsuki said with a defeated huff.
Izuku turned and backed away, heart hammering in his chest and tears in his eyes. He’d heard enough. He thought he and Kacchan were in a better place than ever. He had been so happy and comfortable with their routine and having the blond boy as a fixed star in his universe. It felt like he’d stumbled into a parallel universe, like everything had been moved half an inch to the left and he was the only one who noticed. His heart was breaking and he just wanted to sob.
Kacchan had been the center of his universe as long as he could remember. He was the image of every ideal in Izuku’s mind and the only person Izuku ever remembered wanting to have around constantly. He thought that maybe Kacchan shared his feelings, that they circled each other rather than Izuku orbiting him. When Kacchan started going out of his way to help Izuku, like in the war, he really thought it meant Kacchan actually did care about him. Maybe even liked him, not like Izuku liked Kacchan, but enough to at least be friends!
Izuku wonders if he’d just been looking at things through rose-colored lenses and Kacchan has just been tolerating him out of guilt this whole time. If that’s the case, he doesn’t want to burden Kacchan. Since Kacchan seems to want nothing more than to be away from him, Izuku decided to give him his space.