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emily recognized the soft knock on her front door to let her know who it was. emily had given her a key a while ago, before they started whatever their arrangement was, but she always knocked before she let herself in. emily was alerted when she did with the squeaking of the rusty door hinges and the smell of the summer air filling her nostrils.
she caught the sight of beach blonde hair out of the corner of her eyes, causing her to turn. she watched her close the front door before her eyes saw the bright blue ones of her secret lover. “hi, jj,” she said, being met with a smile.
the blonde took a few large strides over to the couch where emily was sitting and immediately straddled her lap, pressing their lips together in a needy kiss. automatically, emily moaned into the kiss before she lightly pushed jj back with a hand on her chest. “hey, are you sure?” she whispered. they were close enough now that she didn’t need to be any louder. “i know this was a tough one for you.”
jj watched her lips as she spoke. “i’ve never needed you more than right now, emily.”
the kiss was softer this time, more like the first time they did this. emily helped guide her through being with a woman since she’d didn’t have that experience before she met emily. now, this was a regular thing. after a case, jj would show up at emily’s house, let herself in, and they’d fall into a familiar rhythm.
it had begun that august. will had gone on a month-long trip to new orleans to visit his family while jj stayed in dc. emily, knowing the blonde easily got lonely, had offered to take her to the beach on one of their days off, and how could she say no? jj loved the beach.
so when emily rubbed sunscreen on her back and jj thanked her with a kiss, they didn’t even talk about it. they continued about their day as if their lips had never met, hands had never slightly wandered. they blamed it on the sun and the loneliness.
that is until it happened again, but this time, it went further, ending with them twisted in the white fabric of emily’s bedsheets at the end of the night.
for the month of august, they were together. jj practically lived at emily’s house, even inhabiting a drawer full of clothes in the brunette’s dresser. they were domestic — cuddling under the blanket while watching a movie or slow dancing in the kitchen.
the sex was amazing, of course, but emily loved having all of jennifer. she got to see the anxieties she kept hidden before, during, and after cases, and was able to help calm some of her worries.
over the course of that month, that august, emily fell in love. she felt every emotion in the book. she was happier than she had ever been. she thought she’d been in love before, but she realized that none of her past loves could compare to this. she was feeling everything so violently that it physically pained her. she constantly smiled to the point where the apples of her cheeks were sore when she fell asleep. her stomach would hurt from laughing too hard at her jokes that weren’t funny to anyone else.
on the other hand, she knew it would end. eventually, her husband would come back, and august would be over. their relationship, the domestic side of things, at least, would slip away with the month.
jj was never hers to have.
realistically, she knew this. emily knew that jj would go back to her husband, but it was fun while it lasted.
what she didn’t expect, was jj to show up at her door a couple of months later after a particularly hard case. she didn’t let herself in, but immediately pressed her lips against the brunette’s when the door opened. emily asked a quick “are you sure?” before they continued. there were no other words shared between them, just moans when it was happening and silent tears when it was over.
it wasn’t a casual fuck. it was gentle, emily coercing orgasm after orgasm out of the blonde. she didn’t need reciprocation, but jj wanted to do it. she wanted to feel emily fall apart under her touch so that she could get the horrible images of the case out of her mind.
it was cruel, really.
jj couldn’t have emily, not emotionally, at least. that part of her was reserved for her husband even though she wanted so desperately to bare her heart and soul to the other woman.
they both settled for the sexual aspect. however, emily allowed herself to fall in love. she didn’t make plans after cases, and if she did, she canceled them in the hopes that jj would show up at her front door.
without fail, she always did. emily hated how predictable their relationship became. she hated how predictable she was. emily would always be waiting at home for the knock and turn of the key. she fell deeper in love with every kiss and it was killing her inside.
finally, she stopped it. she had no other choice. she pulled away from the immediate kiss that jj gave her with a small, “wait,” not sure if she was actually going through with it or not. “we have to stop,” she eventually said.
“what?” the blonde asked, taking a step back. “what do you mean?”
“i love you, jennifer, and i can’t do that to myself. i can’t love you. you’re not mine to have, to love. you have a husband, and while august was the best month of my life, it ended while your marriage hasn’t. i wanted so bad for both of them to be able to exist — you and him and us — but that’s not how it works. i can’t cling to the one part of you that i have when i want every single one of them.”
by this point, both of them were crying. emily was overcome with the spillage of emotions coming out of her mouth, and jj was overcome with the want to be able to say it back.
“i want to,” the blonde said softly. “emily, you know i want to, but it’s not that easy.”
“i know,” she took a deep breath and let it out in a sigh, “which is why we have to stop. i wish it could be enough for me, but it isn’t. you weren’t mine to have and you’re not mine to lose.”
“emily, please, don’t do this,” jj cried. “you’re all i have.”
“no,” she said, “you are all i have. you have your husband, jj, who loves you, and is able to love every part of you.”
jj nodded slightly, trying to quiet her sobs. “okay, then.”
“if anything ever changes, you know where to find me. i’ll always love you.”
she helped the blonde to the door, letting her know that it was time for her to go. when the door closed between them, both backs pressed against their respective sides, emily finally heard what she had been waiting for all along: “i’ll always love you, too.”