Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Dazai made a group chat.

Dazai added Chuuya, Yosano, Atsushi, and 16 others to the group chat.

Dazai: watch this

Dazai changed 19 usernames.

pussyhaver💔: boom.

pigeon: 

pigeon: dazai is this your way of coming out

pussyhaver💔: yes bbg 😘😘

pigeon: …

tittielover2000: nice

tittielover2000: OOO!! i love my name

pigeon: DAZAI I AM GOING TO KILL YOU WHAT IS THIS USER

pussyhaver💔: wdym 😊

pigeon: no.

pigeon: dazai i WILL kill u

pussyhaver💔: chibi i want suicide, not to be murdered 🥺

pigeon: stfu and uh

pigeon: do an intro with like pronouns and shit idk

mclovinit: oh that’s a good idea

mclovinit: i’ll start

mclovinit: gin, genderfluid, all pronouns, 17yo

pigeon: chuuya, male, he/him, 22yo

tittielover2000: yosano, female, she/her, 25yo 

pussyhaver💔: dazai, male ty very much, he/him, 22yo

gachatuber is online

gachatuber: oh uh

gachatuber: …

gachatuber: atsushi, male (??), any pronouns ig, 18yo

Kunikida is online.

Kunikida: Dazai, what is the meaning of this?

pussyhaver💔: a group chat, obviously!!!

pussyhaver💔: ur lucky i spared u a username only bc i don’t want u to beat me up again 🤕🤕

Kunikida: I don’t “beat you up”.

Kunikida: Ahem, apologies.

mclovinit: ur good

Kunikida: Kunikida, male, he/him, 22.

Kunikida is offline.

mitskiurmom is online.

libertymutual is online.

girlfriend is online.

girlfriend: a group chat? this can’t end well.

mitskiurmom: agreed

gachatuber: oh hey kyouka

mitskiurmom: hi atsushi 

girlfriend: well, i suppose i should introduce myself

girlfriend: Kouyou, female, she/her, 26yo

mitskiurmom: kyouka, female, she/her, 14yo

libertymutual: hi

libertymutual: …

libertymutual: DAZAI IS THIS BECAUSE OF THE PHASE

pussyhaver💔: maybe maybe not

libertymutual: whatever stfu u like men anyways hi i’m Q, non-binary, they/them, 13yo

pussyhaver💔: Q is being homophobic omg so mean to ur own brother 

tittielover2000: dazai pls,,, 

tittielover2000: that reminds me dazai stop flirting with women take the men or something leave some women for me 😐

pigeon: u act like siblings 

pigeon: or not i wouldn’t rlly know 

tittielover2000: its bc we’re all adoptive siblings LMFAO

libertymutual: unfortunately 

tittielover2000: bitch stfu u would be on the streets if u didn’t live with me i literally pay for our house dazai doesn’t do shit and u can’t do shit so i pay

tittielover2000: thank god i got my medical degree or we would be on the streets

pussyhaver💔: yosano christian confirmed

tittielover2000: ur mom

pussyhaver💔: we don’t have one

tittielover2000: u have a point

mitskiurmom: lately i’ve been crying like a tall child

pigeon: pls kyouka no

girlfriend: lad

pigeon: taken back

libertymutual: oh oh oh oh riley

mitskiurmom: auto parts

libertymutual: high five

mitskiurmom: 🙌

pussyhaver💔: is that even a high-five emoji

mitskiurmom: it is now

mclovinit: hate to breakup this lovey convo but higuchi just got a pancake stuck on the ceiling/srs

mclovinit: thank god ryuu isnt home or he would murder us LMFAO

mclovinit: but uh,, how do we get it down

pigeon: …

girlfriend: …

gachatuber: …

mitskiurmom: …

libertymutual: …

pussyhaver💔: meow

pigeon: the hell

tittielover2000: girlie dw about it’ll fall soon just tell higuchi to continue making dinner

libertymutual: can confirm happened to akiko once

tittielover2000: i’ll shove a bead up ur nose like u did when u were 5

libertymutual: that fucking traumatized me bro they were full on diggin up my nose like ow fuck 

pussyhaver💔: i remember that

gachatuber: i go to grab a fucking granola bar and what do i come back too

mitskiurmom: he left out the fact i ate all the granola bars so he ended up grabbing pringles

gachatuber: shut it charles is sleeping with me tonight

mitskiurmom: ur gonna regret that

pussyhaver💔: i still don’t understand how u afford to keep charles istg 

mitskiurmom: we picked him up from the streets

pussyhaver💔: oh yeah

mitskiurmom: im gonna go mourn charles bye

gachatuber: wait kyouka no i’m sorry 😔😔😔

mitskiurmom is offline

gachatuber: wow

gachatuber is offline

libertymutual: yeah ima just,,, go

libertymutual is offline

girlfriend is offline

mclovinit: …

mclovinit: well, thx yosano for the help 

mclovinit: i’ll let everyone know when it falls down

tittielover2000: np

pigeon: wait, where’s ryuu?

mclovinit: oh, he’s out with the tanizaki’s, tachihara, and lucy, i convinced him to try to make friends 

pigeon: that’s

pigeon: actually really good

mclovinit: ikr

mclovinit: i also think it’s partially because he’s still not over higu obsessing over him in middle school so he just doesn’t wanna see her tonight but whatever it works

pussyhaver💔: higuchi obsessed over him but he obsessed over me 😞

pigeon: stfu at least ppl actually like you

pussyhaver💔: …

tittielover2000: …

mclovinit: …

pigeon: shit

pigeon is offline

pussyhaver💔: well

pussyhaver💔: i think that concludes our night

tittielover2000: agreed

mclovinit: agreed

pussyhaver💔is offline

tittielover2000 is offline

mclovinit is offline

2:43AM

mclovinit is online

mclovinit: guys the pancake fell

Chapter Text

twilightstan is online

twilightstan: Akutagawa, male, he/him, 20.

irlannabelle is online

bitch❌ is online

irlannabelle: damn u could’ve at least said hi first

bitch❌: lucy?

irlannabelle: tachihara?

bitch❌: i’m offended you can guess who this is because of my user

irlannabelle: ur mom

bitch❌: you know we should introduce ourselves

irlannabelle: true

bitch❌: tachihara, male, he/him, 19

irlannabelle: lucy, ur fellow demigirl, she/they, 19

schoolgirl is online

schoolboy is online

schoolboy: nice user, tachi

bitch❌: thanks. 😐

schoolgirl: that’s what u get for tripping lucy last night

irlannabelle: now your talking

schoolboy: do ur intro naomi

schoolboy: junichiro, male, he/they, 18

schoolgirl: naomi, female, she/her, 17

pussyhaver💔 is online

libertymutual is online

tittielover2000 is online

tittiehaver2000: LMFAOOOOOOO

libertymutual: HAHSHSHHSHDHDHUDHNDUDNUDNSUNS CRYIGN SOBBING SCREAMINF

pussyhaver💔: ELISE GET UR ASS ONLINE AND EXPLAIN URSLELF SJNDJNDNDIDM

pussyhaver💔: @cancelmori

libertymutual: @cancelmori

tittielover2000: @cancelmori

irlannabelle: idk what tf is going on but @cancelmori

schoolgirl: @cancelmori

cancelmori is online

bitch❌: @cancelmori

cancelmori: i’m online u dumb fuck

pussyhaver💔: EXPLAINJXHX

libertymutual: ELISE EXPLAIN YOUR GODDAMN ASS AKIKO IS LITERALLY CRYING HELP

cancelmori: it’s not even that funny i just threw a piano at mori when he asked me if i was practicing because you could hear it from the other room

libertymutual: A GODDAM P-I-A-N-O.

cancelmori: it’s technically a keyboard but nobody gives a shit

schoolgirl: FR???

libertymutual: OSAMU IS ON THE FLOOR TOO AND AKIKO JUST PASSED OUT SJSNSJNSJJJDJDJ

schoolboy: questioning my life choices

pigeon is online

pigeon: 

pigeon: elise

pigeon: i have no words

cancelmori: good

cancelmori: my intro: elise, female, she/her, 13

cancelmori: btw mori dodged the piano guys

cancelmori: but anyways i ran away and now i’m chillin with the mori hate club

cancelmori: oh Q passed out

cancelmori is offline

bitch❌: can i ask how you all got adopted by mori

pigeon: i can explain

pigeon: it’s probably better to ask them but i’ll do it whatever

pigeon: basically, dazai, Q, and yosano we’re all adopted from different families, but then mori had elise from another woman, so she’s biological

pigeon: but elise’s bio mom died in childbirth, and then yosano moved out taking dazai and Q with her

pigeon: i’m still not sure thats legal but mori doesn’t give a shit anyways

bitch❌: oh

schoolboy: announcement guys me, naomi, and akutagawa are going to see a movie dm me if u wanna go

schoolboy went offline

schoolgirl went offline

twilightstan: goodbye

twilightstan went offline

tittielover2000: oh i forgot about him

pussyhaver💔: tbh same

irlannabelle: oh you're alive now

pussyhaver💔: ur mom

bitch❌: guys i’m going to the movie seeya

bitch❌ is offline 

girlfriend is online

girlfriend: pukes cutely

irlannabelle: /srs or /j

girlfriend: /srs 

irlannabelle: oh

pigeon: ane-san?? are you ok? i can go get u medicine if u need it

tittielover2000: i’m a doctor so if you want i can come over? not necessarily as a doctor but more like if you want company but then i’m also a doctor if u need me anyways yeah um yeah

pussyhaver💔: simp

tittielover2000: stfu

girlfriend: sure, i’ll dm u my address, thank you.

tittielover2000: ofc it’s np

tittielover2000 is offline

girlfriend is offline

5:37PM

libertymutual is online

libertymutual: they’re dating now lmfao

Chapter Text

1barbie1 is online

1barbie1: didn’t they like just meet 

libertymutual is online

libertymutual: no they met a while ago they just kept ignoring their feelings and just not talking to eachother

1barbie1: oh ok

libertymutual is offline

1barbie1 is offline

pussyhaver💔 is online

pigeon is online

pussyhaver💔: hi

pigeon: hi

pussyhaver💔 do u wanna play roblox

pigeon: sure y not

Call active between pigeon and pussyhaver💔 

- 7:45AM

Call ended

-8:17AM

pussyhaver💔: IM CRYING WTF WAS THAT

pigeon: NAH THE PERSON WHO SHAT ON YOU???

pussyhaver💔: @schoolgirl NAOMI EXPLAIN YOURSELF

schoolgirl is online

schoolgirl: PLS IM SORRY SJXNJSNS

pigeon: HE WAS TRYNA BIRTH OUR BABY AND U JUST WALK IN LIKE WTF MAN UR THE REASON HE GOT SHAT ON

pussyhaver💔: GIRLIEPOP I WAS IN LABOR TOO U LIKE JUST JOINED

schoolgirl: WAIT WAIT BACK UP U GOT SHAT ON???

pigeon: YES

pussyhaver💔: LEMME JUST EXPLAIN FROM THAT START

pussyhaver💔: CHUUYA TELL ME IF I FORGET ANYTHING

pigeon : KK

pussyhaver💔: SO ME AND CHUUYA GET ON CALL AND WERE LIKE “what game” SO THEN WE DECIDE TO PLAY THIS DOCTOR HOSPITAL GAME IDK JUST BECAUSE WHY NOT AND SO WE GET THERE AND IM SHORT AF FOR SOME REASON AND CHUUYA KEEPS BULLYING ME AND I TELL HIM TO STFU BECAUSE ITS BAD FOR THE BABY AND THEN WE GET THE IDEA FOR ME TO BE PREGNANT 

pussyhaver💔: SO THEN WE GO UP TO THE DESK AND THERES LIKE NO ONE THERE AND WERE LIKE “hellooo?” AND FINALLY THIS DOCTOR COMES AND I TELL HIM IM PREGNANT AND THEN CHUUYA’S LIKE “i’m the father” SO THEN THE DOCTOR MAKES US WAIT LIKE WTF IM IN LABOUR?? AND THEN WE GO UP FLOOR 3 AND I GO INTO THE ROOM AND THEN MY CHARACTER GETS STUCK ON THE FLOOR??

pussyhaver💔: THEN FINALLY WE GO TO THE LABOUR ROOM AND FUCKING NAOMI!!!! IS THERE AND SHES LIKE “IM HAVING A BABY” SO CHUUYA TELLS US TO GO TO THE NEXT ROOM AND NOW THE DOCTOR IS GONE? SO CHUUYAS LIKE “ok ig im delivering diy birth” 

pussyhaver💔: AND THEN SOMEONE COMES INTO THE ROOM AND SITS ON ME THEN CHUUYAS LIKE “uh sir?” AND THEY WERE LIKE “*woman” SO CHUUYAS LIKE “ma’am?” AND THEN THEYRE LIKE “*kid” SO BY NOW CHUUYA IS ABOUT TO BEAT THIS BITCH UP AND THEN THEY FUCKING SHIT ON ME?? THEY WERE LIKE “I CANT FIND THE BATHROOM SO I HAVE TO SHIT ON YOU”

pussyhaver💔: AND THEY FUCKING DO AND THEN WERE LIKE “UM OK THEN…” AND CHUUYA DECIDES WE SHOULD GO TO THE 1ST FLOOR AND THEN IN THE HALLWAY SOMEONE TRIES TO MURDER US?? HER NAME WAS KAT AND SHE KEPT STABBING ME BUT ANYWAYS THEN WE RAN AWAY OUT TO THE ENTRANCE AND DIED

pussyhaver💔: YEAH THATS IT

schoolgirl: LMFAOOOOOOOOO

pigeon: this is why i don’t play roblox

pigeon is offline

pussyhaver💔: chibi nooooooooo 🥺🥺🥺

pussyhaver💔 is offline

schoolgirl: welp

schoolboy is online

irlannabelle is online

irlannabelle: bestie wtf

schoolgirl: i’m sowwy 🥺🥺

schoolboy: …

schoolgirl: …

schoolboy is offline

irlannabelle: bye 

irlannabelle is offline

schoolgirl is offline