Archive of Our Own ^beta

The room was dark, the only light source was the soft moonlight that peered through the cracks of the blinds and the insanely bright screen of his iCrab. J stared blankly at his phone, loud and obnoxious overtones pouring from it. The anxiety swelled inside him with each high note. ‘Mom (and Dad) is calling…’ flashed onto screen in bold letters. He had been screening their calls all week. They were only calling for one thing and J couldn’t provide it.

On the desk sat a neat pile of assignments from school, all perfectly average. But he needed them to be the best of the best, that’s all his parents would accept. J groaned and shoved his face into his hands, falling back onto the bed. He dug his palms into his eyes and rubbed them, pulling back when he began to see the colorful grain that danced around his vision.

The phone finally fell silent and he sighed, his bedroom being plunged into darkness once again. J waited a moment before pulling himself up and over to the desk. Tapping the screen caused the phone to light up, stinging his eyes. He rushed to turn the brightness down before checking the notifications. Twenty messages and forty-two voicemails all from his mother.

He couldn’t keep this up forever, J knew that all too well. Bad grades meant no allowance, no allowance meant he needed a job, getting a job meant less time to work on not getting bad grades. Shit, J thought. He never had this problem before, prioritizing school over everything. Recently however, he’s started to stop caring. Inventing gave him a rush of serotonin everytime he solved a wiring problem and when he pulled out power tools for a job that honestly a simple screwdriver would have been sufficient enough. And his cars, such an amazing assortment of pistons, valves and wires, packed nice and neatly into an eye-catching metal shell. How could he not think about them 24/7?

J had been pacing around his bedroom for ages. Actually, it’s been two minutes but to J it felt like an hour. He caught a glimpse of the time when his phone lit up for the third time. It was seven forty-five so naturally the best option was to give up on the idea of getting any sleep tonight. Now what is he supposed to do? He’s too restless to sit down and study and his current project needed to charge overnight.

The next best option was a nice stroll down the streets in twelve degree weather. Before he could talk himself out of it J had his overcoat, goggles and winter boots on. He went out the garage door, the chilly air wasn’t as harsh in there. It hit him hard when he crossed the threshold to the outside. A thick mist escaped his mouth after a shaky breath. He turned on his heel to go back inside when his phone started ringing again.

J hurriedly pulled the phone from his jacket pocket before throwing onto his car's hood and rolling the garage door down shut with a bang.

Yuki sighed heavily as she turned the corner. This was her third lap around the small residential area and she wasn’t feeling any better. Usually her late night car rides help wash away the doubts and anxiety but tonight was different. The first thing that came to her mind was the car. She couldn’t drive her old car anymore, not after she plowed it into the lamp post and leaving Salex splattered over the road. So now she was stuck sneaking out and hijacking her dad’s car every time she felt like blowing off steam.

The Yakuza work never bothered her. It was normal in Yuki’s life, therefore she never batted an eye. No, that hasn't been the thing playing on her mind all week. Salex’s death brought out a new side to everyone, friendships that seemed surface level were revealed to be more. Something about venting your lowest moments to a person who knows you inside and out was a bittersweet yet addicting experience.

No one knew Yuki inside and out, though. She wouldn’t let anyone. The most the Cool Kids™ knew of Yuki was her school side, the side that wore her rosy pink hair in an adorable side pony, the side that covered her books in stickers and doodles, the side that didn’t stand in the mirror after every job relishing in the blood stains that covered her body. But the point still stood, they listened to her and she listened to them. They grew closer and Yuki wanted to continue.

Salex wasn’t her first and she wouldn’t be her last. That’s something Yuki knew for sure, even without the Yakuza behind her, her childhood had drummed this bloodlust into her brain and it wasn’t going anywhere. How could she pick a normal life if she was incapable of living that way?

Yuki gasped and slammed on the brakes, the car screeching to a halt.

“J?” she called out in surprise.

J was halfway across the road- not on a crosswalk- when Yuki flicked her headlights on. He turned and smiled sheepishly at her, offering a small wave.

“Good evening Yuki,” J walked up to the passenger's window after Yuki signaled him over.

“It’s late, what are you doing?,” Yuki questioned.

“Depends on what you're doing,” he replied smugly with a playful grin.

“Mmm, just driving,” J didn’t say anything so Yuki continued, “I needed some air. Stress and all that.”

“Same.”

J nodded slightly, understanding what his classmate was trying to do. A second passed in silence, neither of them made eye contact.

“Want a ride?” Yuki shrugged, smiling gently.

J smiled back and yanked the car door open sliding into the seat. It was cold yet comfortable, the black leather smooth under his hands. He would have been more impressed if his own car collection wasn’t the envy of every middle aged business man’s dream.

Yuki shut off the headlights before driving off. She preferred to drive in the dark, letting the street lights do all the work. It made her feel invisible like she wasn’t there. A moment where she could fade from her own reality and just drift away.

The front two windows were wound all the way down letting the chilly air slam into the sides of their faces. It wasn’t long before both of them had bright pink cheeks. Although J didn’t mind the cold, his hand was constantly working to keep his nose warm, he hated getting a runny nose from the cold air. After he was satisfied J rested his elbow on the door, leaning his head on his hand.

“Were you in teacher Jane’s class in elementary?” Yuki broke the silence.

“Yeah uh, third year.”

“Remember when the class would get too rowdy so she’d give up and put on the live reading video of Hamlet?”

“Every time,” J chuckled, she really was an interesting teacher.

“And remember Hamlet’s monologue? The only one anyone remembers,” Yuki glimpsed at J through the corner of her eye.

“To be or not to be,” he recited with an over dramatized voice holding out a hand, earning a genuine laugh from Yuki.

“Tough choice, right? So how do you choose?” her tone was flat again.

J turned to look at her. He was taken back from the sudden change in her face. Her eye’s had drooped, lips pulled down into a frown and her eyebrows furrowed tightly. A ping of guilt and pity shot through J immediately. He paused. Did Yuki piece together why J was out walking this late? There was no way, she didn’t know about his low grades.

“Do you…” J trailed off, he still wasn’t sure Yuki knew about his delemer but damn she was hitting the right notes, “Do you pick what you want to do or what everyone else wants you to do?”

Now it was Yuki’s turn to be shocked. There was no way J knew about her Yakuza background, unless Sam or Taurtis slipped and told him, which she wouldn’t put past them.

“What if you’re not capable of doing the things you want to do?”

“Can I come clean? All cards on the table as a sort of, what happens in this car stays in this car?” J asked, he sounded exasperated as if he’s been needing a moment like this for a while.

“Nothing leaves his car, pinkie promise,” she held out a hand to J, pinkie extended.

“Pinkie promise.”

They shook on it, the cold chill seemed to leave the car as J began to break down his barrier. J pried off his goggles and tossed them onto the dashboard. He started hesitantly, sighing more than he needed to as he told Yuki his parent problems, twiddling and tapping his thumbs together.

“If I get my grades back up I’ll practically be paraded into a high status university on a gold chariot, but it won’t be for something I want to study. But if I focus on my inventions I’ll be shunned for not wanting to wear a doctor's coat for the rest of my life,” J concluded with a sigh.

He had reclined his seat twice during his monologue, practically laying down like it was a therapist's office on wheels, his coat discarded in the back seat so he could wave his arms around freely. They felt heavy now after being thrown around so much. Yuki had cut in a few times when J had brought something up that applied to her.

“—the last thing I want to do is crawl back to my dad begging to be given a second chance,” she had commented.

“Right? Is the risk of having to do that worth it?” J’s tone had picked up, excited that someone could relate so closely to his dilemma.

“Okay, I’ve given you a six part breakdown of my problems, what about you?”

Yuki gripped the steering wheel tighter. She could trust J, she always thought he was a cool guy. She didn’t trust herself not to slip up and expose the side of her she's been hiding her entire school life. J noticed her stiffen, he knew she was contemplating it.

“What happens in the car,” he smiled reassuringly, holding out his pinkie.

“Stays in the car,” Yuki laughed under her breath once again, locking pinkies with her classmate.

J positioned his seat back to a more upright position, both because he was sick of lying down and to show Yuki he was listening.

“Mmm, my dad wants me to join the family business but I’ve gotten used to having friends,” Yuki talked quietly at first, keeping her pace slow, “I— I like having friends. But if I go work for dad I’ll have to leave them all behind.”

“Seems like an easy choice, unless what, was your dad some kind of super parent?” J asked, half jokingly.

“Oh no,” she drew the words out, laughing, “he was pretty harsh. The uh, way? The way… of the business— the morals of the business, have been practically preached to me since birth and uh, they don’t exactly match up with, well, normal life.”

Yuki was painfully aware of how badly she stumbled through that. She didn’t dare look at J fearful he had a look of disgust on his face, somehow piecing together every horrific job she had carried out. Vivid scenes of how she would have to dispose of J flashed in her head like it was a procedure. Yuki’s flight or fight response involved her brain going over seventeen different ways to eliminate the threat, most of them involving a dumpster and a gun. She didn’t want to kill J though. That was a first.

“Huh, doesn’t seem so easy anymore,” he let out a single, sympathetic ‘ha’ to take the weight off his words.

Yuki let out the breath she has been holding and glanced over to J who was looking out at the road in front of them. He had his leg hiked up on the seat, head resting on his knee. His face was the pinnacle of distress, but he hid it pretty well.

“We are soo screwed,” Yuki laughed, J did too.