Chapter Text
Maya ran.
Her feet pounded against the treadmill, each step followed by a jolt of searing pain. It burned through her soles, shot up her legs like the raking of metal claws.
She leaned into it. It was better than the pounding in her head.
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get rid of Andy’s words. They resonated obnoxiously, wasps buzzing in her ears.
You do not seem okay.
We do this together.
I’m trying to help you.
She didn’t need help. She had always managed just fine on her own, she had accomplished everything on her own. She would be fine this time, too. She just had to push through it. To push harder, harder.
A piercing twinge in her ankle stunted her run, she barely managed to catch herself on the edge of the treadmill.
The pain knocked the breath out of her lungs, it made her lightheaded for a moment.
She blinked away the little white spots in front of her eyes and tried to pace her breathing, waiting for the pain to subdue.
It didn’t.
Her legs tensed up, she felt the muscles cramping hard, begging for respite. She grabbed at her thigh, trying to smoothen the spasming tissue, but it only made the pain worse.
It frightened her, how her body wasn’t responding to her.
She breathed in deep, closing her eyes while she stretched her sore arms. Her head felt too heavy on her shoulders, she could feel little tremors all over, like ants crawling beneath her skin.
She was exhausted. Her body, her mind…
For a moment she imagined what it would feel like to stop. To just stop and let herself fall into Carina’s arms. She tried to imagine her voice, whispering against her hair that it was okay to stop. To rest.
You’ve gone soft.
Loser.
Maya opened her eyes, back to her miserable reality.
She was dreaming, Carina wouldn’t open her arms to her. Why would she?
Embrace the pain.
There was only one voice in her head. Harsh, terrifying. Familiar.
Maya listened to it. It was all she could do.
She started running again.
The pain in her ankle flared up immediately, it became excruciating. She only ran faster. Her body screamed but she gritted her teeth and pushed harder, past the limits of her own endurance.
Limits are for losers.
She ran faster. Her throat and lungs burned.
Push, Maya!
Everything hurt. Her legs moved on autopilot, faster than she was able to control them.
Fear seized her but she didn’t stop.
She couldn’t stop.
Push!
Her ankle gave out beneath her.
She had no time to react. She lost her balance and spun through the air. The descent was the longest second of her life.
Her back collided with the treadmill with a sickening crunch, the force of the impact sent her rolling across the floor.
She slammed her head, pain exploded behind her eyes. Then everything went black.
“Everything okay?”
Carina raised her eyes from her phone to find Jo staring at her, a small, concerned smile on her face.
Carina had quietly withdrawn while the others were talking and taking more pictures in front of the newly opened clinic, made giddy by the champagne. She didn’t think Jo would notice.
“Yes. Yes, of course,” she tried to wave it off, cringing at how phony she sounded. She had never been a good liar, so she wasn’t surprised when Jo didn’t buy her poor attempt at reassuring her.
“Are you sure?”
Carina sighed, feeling her mask drop. She stared at her phone again, it was still open on the chat with Maya. The lack of new messages from her wife felt like the worst kind of taunt.
It was exhausting, to constantly pretend to be fine.
“It’s been a rough few weeks.” She paused. “A rough few months, really.”
Jo joined her where she was slouching against the wall. “Look, you are still my boss and I don’t want to overstep…”
“We talk about orgasms and casual sex and diapers over coffee. I think we’re past formalities.”
Jo laughed. “Fair enough. Then I hope you won’t mind me saying that if you want to talk, I’d be happy to listen.”
Carina entertained the proposition for a moment. After weeks of keeping her feelings bottled up, her chest felt perpetually tight, every breath a struggle.
She knew she had to talk to someone, eventually. She couldn’t keep carrying this pain and grief on her own. But the only person she wished to talk to, the person she was grieving for, the one who filled her mind and her heart, had shut her out.
She didn’t want to dwell on that now. So she smiled a thankful smile but shook her head.
“Thank you, Jo. But not right now.” She nodded towards the doors of the clinic. “This clinic is a beautiful thing. It’s a good thing. I want to focus on that. God knows I need good things to focus on.”
Jo didn’t push. She pulled herself up from the wall with a big, kind smile.
“Alright, good things. Good things deserve a toast.”
She raised her glass, encouraging Carina to do the same.
“To all the people we’re going to help,” Carina said.
“Yes. And…” Jo paused for a moment, thinking about a worthy continuation. A big grin spread across her face. “To the Vagina Squad saving lives and telling our government to go fuck themselves.”
Carina burst out laughing. It was so stupid she couldn’t help herself, it brought out the type of unrestrained laugh she hadn’t let out in weeks.
She clinked her plastic flute with Jo’s, still smiling.
“To the Vagina Squad.”
“Yeah! The other departments love to make fun of us but you know what I've realized since I've switched? They’re just jealous. ‘Cause we,” Jo pointed between herself and Carina, “are the most badass specialty in the hospital. And there’s nothing they can do about it.”
“Right. Nothing more badass than vaginas.”
Right after the words came out of her mouth, Carina crinkled her eyebrows in a little frown. She shook her head and before she knew it, another laugh had bubbled from her throat.
“This is the silliest conversation I’ve had in a long time and somehow it’s exactly what I need.”
“Hang out with me more often. I promise we can even talk about something not vagina-related.”
Carina felt lighter for a moment. For that alone, she was grateful to Jo.
She smiled when Link whisked Jo away for another set of pictures. Regardless of where they stood romantically, the happiness on the younger woman’s face around him was undeniable. It warmed Carina’s heart.
Carina brought the glass to her lips, but when she felt the champagne wet them, she stopped.
Her hand went to her stomach.
Just like that, the ache was back.
She knew now that she could drink safely, there was no baby inside her to harm with cheap champagne, and that knowledge made her want to throw the glass against the wall.
It felt like a cruel joke. She had dedicated herself to bringing life into the world. She could do that for everyone.
Everyone except herself. Herself and Maya.
The hollowness she felt was unbearable. She was grieving for so many things at once, the failed pregnancy was just the rawest disappointment. Mostly, she was grieving for her wife. For the life they had seven months ago, for the happiness and the hope and the warmth of those days. For how even in sorrow, they were each other’s home.
Maya was her home. And now… now she was keeping her away. Out.
It was terrifying.
She just wanted Maya to hug her, to tell her that she was mourning, too, but that they would be okay because they had each other. She wanted them to cry together.
But Maya didn’t cry and Carina had choked back enough tears for both of them.
She was exhausted. Heartache was exhausting.
Going home to more silence and loneliness was a dreadful prospect, so after saying goodbye to the others, Carina decided to head back to the hospital instead.
She could do some late rounds, crash for a few hours in her office if sleep somehow decided to come to her. Exhaustion and restlessness was a hellish combination.
She tried her best to put her face together with ice-cold water and twice as much concealer as she’d usually wear. She didn’t really care that she was looking more and more like a zombie, but she knew she had to maintain a professional appearance, at least with her patients.
The lightning storm had the ER swamped, with residents scrambling to cover every bed. For once, Carina appreciated the chaos. It would be a welcome distraction from her own life, she could feel useful here at least.
She headed to the nurse’s desk to find out who was giving out assignments, but a loud, familiar voice from across the pit caught her attention.
“No, I’m telling you I don’t know! She was like that when I… Just help her, man!”
Carina frowned when she finally saw him. It was Jack, standing on the threshold of one of the trauma rooms. He was fidgeting on the spot, in a clear state of agitation.
As she made her way towards him, Carina spotted Owen inside the room.
“Jack?” she called out.
Jack spun around. When he saw her, he froze. An agonized look descended over his face, clear as day when she reached him. It confused her for a moment.
“Carina.”
“Jack? What are you…”
The words died in her mouth because Carina glanced inside the room. She glanced inside and she saw her.
The shock stunned her into stillness.
“Maya…”
Her chest caved in so violently she couldn’t suck in air.
No.
No.
“Maya. Maya!”
“Carina, wait—”
Jack tried to stop her but Carina shoved him out of the way and threw herself inside the room.
She paid no attention to the bewildered looks of the doctors and nurses, she ignored Owen calling out her name. All she could see was Maya.
Maya, strapped to a spine board in her workout clothes, her left shoulder visibly out of place.
Unresponsive.
Her skin was deathly pale and clammy, there were blonde strands stuck to her cheek. She looked lifeless.
Carina couldn’t hold back tears.
“What happened?”
“I found her on the gym floor,” Jack answered. He was standing on the side, breathing raggedly. “I think she fell.”
“Fell how?”
“I don’t know. The treadmill, maybe?”
“She regain consciousness at any point?” Owen asked while he checked Maya’s pupils.
“No.”
“Any idea how long she was unconscious?”
Carina turned and looked at Jack when he failed to answer.
“Jack. How long?” she pressed, increasingly panicked.
“I don’t… I…”
She wanted to slap him. He didn’t get to fall apart. Not now.
“Alright, we’re moving her up,” Owen took over. “We need a CT, X-ray. And somebody page Dr. Amelia Shepherd and Dr. Atticus Lincoln.”
“Dr. Shepherd isn’t on call,” one of the interns said. “She’s—”
“Page her now.”
Carina’s head was spinning, she could hear the thrumming of blood in her ears.
Her vision blurred with fresh tears when they started cutting through Maya’s clothes. A cloud of bruises marred the side of her torso, disappearing underneath her. Carina didn’t want to imagine what her back looked like.
She instinctively grabbed Maya’s hand, squeezing her cold fingers like she could pass some of her warmth onto her. Like it would be enough to bring her back.
“Carina.” Carina flinched when she felt Owen’s hand on her shoulder. “We have to move now. Let us help her, okay?”
Carina knew he was right, that they couldn’t waste time — more time — but she was paralyzed.
She was celebrating the clinic less than two hours ago, she was joking. Laughing. And now her wife might…
“Carina.”
Carina brought Maya’s hand to her lips. She pressed a trembling kiss to her cold knuckles, squeezing out more tears as she closed her eyes.
“You’re going to be okay,” she mouthed against Maya’s skin. “You hear me? You are going to be okay, bambina. I’m right here. Ti amo.”
She went against every impulse and forced herself to let go. It was physically painful, she sucked a breath through her teeth, trying to force air into her lungs.
Before he could move, Carina grabbed Owen’s arm and made him look at her.
“Help her. Please.”
Her stomach churned with a horrid sense of deja vu.
Owen nodded once, then they were on the move.
Carina followed without even being aware that her legs were moving. She followed until she couldn’t anymore, then she watched them take Maya away, she watched until her wife disappeared from her sight.
She stood in the hallway, her eyes burning and her head heavy like it was made of lead.
She had envisioned this moment so many times. A call gone wrong, a miscalculated risk. She had imagined Maya’s body blackened and burned, irreparably broken. It would chill her blood during the daylight, startle her awake at night.
Whenever it happened, she would turn in bed and hold Maya to her, she would mold her body against hers until the shivers stopped.
She had yelled at Maya that morning. Maybe, if she had held her instead…
“Carina.”
Jack’s voice sounded rough in her ears, it made her temples pound painfully. She pushed his hand away when he placed it on her arm.
“Why did nobody call me?” she asked, turning to look at him. “Why didn’t Ben… or Andy… Where are they? Why did no one—”
“Carina, they’re out on a call.”
“But Maya…” She frowned, trying to make sense of it. “Was she on desk duty?”
She wasn’t surprised when Jack shook his head. Maya wouldn’t neglect her job to be in the gym, her work ethic was too strong.
“Then what happened, Jack?” Her voice cracked. “Why is my wife unconscious in the hospital?”
“Her turnouts were on the barn floor,” Jack said. “I was going to leave and then I saw them there. I thought it was weird because it’s Bishop, you know? She’s always the first inside the truck. So I went looking for her and I found her in the gym, like that.”
He rubbed his eyes, the distraught look on his face scared Carina. She knew he was re-living that moment and nausea swirled in her stomach at the thought of what could be horrible enough to cause that reaction.
“It must have happened before the alarms sounded.”
“And when was that?”
Jack hesitated for a moment. His frown deepened. “It was still daylight.”
Carina choked out a whimper.
Maya was on that floor for hours. Alone.
Was she in pain? Was she scared?
The realization forced her into a whirlwind of nightmarish scenarios. A brain bleed too severe to contain. An irreversible spinal injury. Her Maya who couldn’t sit still, Maya who had a body brimming with energy, with life, permanently bed bound.
It was too painful to even imagine, her chest spasmed with a sob she couldn’t hold in.
“Hey. Hey, she’s going to be okay. I’m gonna call the team. I’ll get them here and…”
But Carina wasn’t listening. Jack’s voice was just an annoying, distant buzz.
An anguish she had only felt one time before, in this same hospital, washed over her, threatening to bring her to her knees.
And with it came guilt, too. A guilt she knew all too well, she recognized its bite as it gnawed away at her.
She closed her eyes and behind her eyelids she saw Maya. The way she had been that morning, gaunt and exhausted.
And then she saw her how she had been only a few nights ago. The tenderness in her eyes and her touch when they had found each other again for one fleeting moment.
Not her, too.
Please don’t take her, too.
In the face of trauma or extreme distress, the human mind had an altered perception of time. Hours could snap away like mere seconds, leaving no memory behind. Or the shortest moment could stretch into endlessness, locking the consciousness into a prison with no bars.
Carina had experienced both states at different points in her life.
The last time, Maya had been there with her. Her presence had grounded her during those interminable hours, while they were waiting for news about Andrea.
And afterwards… the only thing she recalled beyond the agony of loss was Maya’s arms around her.
No one was holding her now, there was no one she wanted or who could make the awful ache in her chest better.
She couldn’t for the life of her tell how much time had passed. Rationally, in the back of her mind, she knew it must have been hours.
But Carina didn’t feel rational. Sat on the hallway floor next to the doors of the chapel, staring into space and thumbing her wedding ring over and over, she felt like she’d gone mad.
It was the helplessness that was killing her. There was nothing she could do but sit there while her fears tortured her. A death by a thousand cuts.
She couldn’t stop thinking about everything she could have done differently. If she hadn’t taken that pregnancy test, if she hadn’t pushed Maya so hard.
But she was suffering too. She was angry too.
Her own emotions seemed irrelevant now. She knew that feeling all too well.
“Carina…”
A gentle voice took Carina out of her thoughts. She looked up and was surprised to see it was Jo.
“Wilson. What are you doing here?”
“I heard what happened,” Jo said. The worry in her voice made Carina’s eyes water again.
She made to stand up but Jo stopped her and crouched next to her. She was carrying a small coffee cup, she put it down and wrapped her arms around Carina. It was unexpected, but Carina sagged into the hug, letting herself accept the supportive touch for a moment.
“Any news yet?” Jo asked as she pulled back.
Carina shook her head. “I’m waiting. It still doesn’t feel real.”
“She’s got the best doctors in the hospital working on her. She’s going to pull through.”
Carina nodded, she had no energy for anything else. She desperately needed Jo to be right.
As she looked at Jo, Carina’s brain registered the way the other doctor was dressed.
“Why are you in scrubs? Your shift ended hours ago.”
Jo took the coffee cup and handed it to Carina.
“I’m taking over for you.”
“Jo, no. You don’t have to do this. You were going home, Luna is—”
“Luna is fine and I’ve got everything handled. I wouldn’t be here otherwise. Let me do this for you.” She offered the little plastic cup to Carina again. “Double espresso, right?”
Carina teared up. It was something of a miracle, how powerful a small act of kindness could be.
She blinked away the tears and took the coffee.
“Thank you, Jo.”
“It’s nothing,” Jo said with a smile.
“No. No, it’s not nothing.”
Jo got up back up on her feet. “I’ll do the rounds. You can page me for anything.”
“Start with Hailey Mitchell in, uh... in 803. I didn’t like the bleeding during her C-section, and…”
“Carina,” Jo cut her off gently. “I’ve got this, I promise. My boss trained me well.”
Carina relented with a small smile.
The first smile since this nightmare started.
She waved at Jo as the other woman walked away and brought the coffee to her lips. It was burned, as usual. For the first time, she welcomed the bitterness on her tongue, the burn down her throat. It was a distraction. She would take anything that could distract her from her feelings.
After downing the coffee, Carina let her head fall back against the wall and closed her eyes. There was a throbbing ache all around her head, like a metal ring squeezing harder and harder by the minute. She wouldn’t be able to find rest until she knew.
What little comfort she had gone looking for, the trauma still living inside her body had stopped her from getting it.
You don’t realize how much trauma you’re carrying until you find yourself with your ass on the floor, because your legs refused to walk you through a door.
Carina thumped the back of her head against the wall, breathing out a wet sigh.
Maya’s absence filled her mind, her senses. When her chest got too tight, when the monsters from her past visited her and picked away at her, Carina would bury her face in Maya’s neck and breathe her in. She’d breathe her in until it all became muffled noise and the only thing left was Maya.
Maya was her home as much as her shelter.
She had no shelter now.
The sound of heavy footsteps reached through the ring around her head. They came to a stop in front of her.
“Hey…”
Carina opened her eyes. The sight was a lot less welcome than Jo’s had been.
“What do you want, Jack?”
“I, uh… I talked to the team,” he said. He sounded as rough as he looked. “I told them what happened. They’re here. Well, not all of them. Travis, Sullivan, and Beckett—”
“I couldn’t care less about where Beckett is.”
Carina felt the spark of anger and latched on to it. It was an easier emotion than fear.
“I tried calling you. Andy said she tried, too?”
“Yeah. Answering calls hasn’t exactly been my priority.”
“Right…”
Jack fidgeted awkwardly on the spot, silent for a while. Carina could feel his discomfort, and she didn’t want it on her. She had no patience or desire to soothe him right now.
“How are you?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Jack winced. “Stupid question, sorry. Can I do something for you? Anything.”
“I’m fine, Jack. I don’t need anything.”
“You can’t be fine. Maya is—”
“Don’t.”
The threat in her voice gave Jack pause.
“I just don’t think you should be alone,” he finally settled on.
“Instead I think that’s exactly what I should be.”
“Carina.”
“Because if I look at you, or Andy, or anyone from 19, I’m going to start thinking about Maya lying on that floor for hours. Hours. And if I start thinking about that, I’m going to—”
She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her shoulders, trying to get rid of that awful energy.
“I’m too tired to be furious, Jack.”
Jack nodded, looking away in shame. Carina knew she wasn’t being fair to him. He was the one who had found Maya, and Maya had started hurting herself long before the fall.
Jack folded his arms and leaned against the opposite wall. The rhythmic twitch of his jaw was irrationally annoying.
“You can yell at me if it helps.”
“Why would I yell at you?”
“I don’t know. ‘Cause I didn’t find her sooner. ‘Cause I went away and left you and Maya—"
“Jack, please, not right now, okay? For once, don’t make this about you. I don’t have it in me to—”
“I’m not,” he interrupted her. “I know I hurt you. You and Maya. I hurt you more than once. And after that I broke your trust. You relied on me and I didn’t even think about you when I left.”
His voice was full of regret. It lacked the self-pity Carina was expecting, was ready to be mad at.
“I’m sorry, Carina.” He let out a nervous chuckle, his brow pinched in a frown. “I know it doesn’t mean anything but…”
“It does.”
There wasn’t enough energy in Carina for more. She couldn’t thank him, she couldn’t tell him it was all forgiven. But she could recognize a sincere apology.
“I wish I’d found her sooner,” Jack confessed. “I wish I wasn’t such a fuck up. I wish I could’ve been there for her, like she was for me.”
The pain in his voice stirred Carina’s anguish. She was so tired of crying, a lump formed at the back of her throat as she tried to push down the tears.
She had never found it a weakness to display her emotions, but she felt too raw this time. Jack’s stare when she couldn’t hold back a sniffle felt like fingers dipping into an open wound.
“I need her to wake up,” she whispered, her lip wobbling. “I need her to be okay.”
Carina rubbed her fingers across her eyes. They came away wet and left her eyes stinging harder. She felt like a little kid, hugging herself to find whatever small measure of comfort.
Jack eyed her from across the hallway. He pushed himself off the wall and tentatively took the steps that separated him from Carina.
When he sat down next to her, Carina didn’t recoil. He didn’t try to touch her, she was glad about that.
“Why are you sitting here?” Jack asked after sharing a long silence. “Is the chapel closed?”
Carina shook her head. The tips of her ears flared up, she was frustrated with herself to the point of embarrassment.
“I wanted to go in and light a candle for Maya. But the last time I did it…” She sighed, dropping her gaze to the floor. She felt far too vulnerable admitting this. “I started thinking about Andrea and I couldn’t bring myself to walk in.”
Jack was quiet after her confession, it made Carina feel even more like a lunatic. Maybe she should try again. Just shove those damn doors open and…
“What if I do it?”
Carina looked up and met Jack’s eyes.
“What if I go in and light a candle for you? Would that help?”
Something squeezed at her heart.
She nodded, she didn’t trust her voice.
“Alright,” Jack smiled.
He got up. “Hey. Hospital chairs are just as uncomfortable as the floor. If you wanna give ‘em a try.”
Carina watched Jack go inside the chapel and do what she had been wanting to do for hours. She was a woman of science, but it didn’t stop her from sending out yet another prayer.
Afterwards, she decided to take Jack’s advice and dragged her stiff body to her office.
Rest wasn’t an option, not in any way that mattered. She just sat at her desk and waited, engulfed by darkness and silence.
The longest wait of her life.
When a knock on the door finally broke her solitude, Carina wasn’t ready. She was never going to be ready.
She got up on shaky legs, holding on to the desk for stability, while Amelia, Owen, and Link stepped inside the office.
Carina’s eyes immediately went to the neurosurgeon. She didn’t have the strength to speak, to ask.
“She is stable, and she’s going to be okay.”
Carina’s knees almost gave out beneath her. She covered her mouth, the relief so strong she could have started sobbing.
“All things considered, your wife is a lucky woman,” Amelia said. “She has a linear skull fracture but I found no brain bleed to warrant real concern. A hematoma could still develop at a later stage so I’ll keep her monitored for a few days just to be safe. But I have no reason to believe she won’t make a full recovery.”
Carina nodded, processing every bit of information. It was good news. Horrible, but good. She didn’t allow herself to think about all the possible complications. She would recover, Maya would recover.
Carina turned to Owen and Link. The grim look on their faces made her heart sink.
She couldn’t keep the quiver out of her voice.
“Tell me.”