Chapter Text
Their manager is going to kill him; he's probably searching for Taehyung right now. If he catches him, then it's all over.
The week has only just begun, yet Taehyung has decided to play hookie for the second time in the space of a few days. The others take it in their stride, believing that he's doing it to play with them, no more than another one of his silly little jokes. Maybe that's how it started, but in this case, his main reason is what's on the screen of the phone clenched tight in his hand.
No matter how many times Namjoon warned them all of the dangers of self-browsing, he still finds himself typing his name into search engines. Twitter is his choice of poison today. There's a rather malicious mention that he accidentally stumbled across while (stupidly) searching up his own name. The most logical thing to do would be to ignore it. Yet, the words keep spinning around in his head. He can't stop thinking about it.
The only member of BTS who wouldn't be missed is V, right? The rest of the group would go on fine without him.
Doubt creeps in bit by bit as he reads over these words. He finds some truth in what this person is saying. He knows that the others would hit him if he ever said this out loud, they would deny the truth behind the statement. And he loves them all for their loyalty. Although, sometimes, it's not enough.
It's not his fault he wants more than he already has. Yes, he might be selfish, but in an ideal world, things would be different. Certain things would change. But in this world, he feels that if he were to leave, to never be a part of the group, the world would keep on turning regardless of his absence.
He can hear the manager's voice getting closer. He tries to calm himself down, to shake the doubts from his head. As he jumps up from his hiding place, a crazy smile plastered over the sadness on his face, he shuts down his phone. But the words still remain in his head.
---
"Jin hyung," Taehyung whines as he follows the elder around the small space of their kitchen, a pout on his lips. "I'm so hungry, can't we eat already?"
Seokjin stares back at him incredulously, an eyebrow raised. "If you want to eat raw meat, be my guest."
It's supposed to be Taehyung's turn to help cook with Seokjin, except he's not being particularly helpful. He's taken charge as the taste-tester, as he puts it, but his patience is beginning to run thin, and his stomach won't stop grumbling. He sighs exasperatedly at Seokjin's comment, and decides to give up on his whining. He knows full well it won't help their food cook quicker. Realistically, they should have just bought something easy and quick to make, but Seokjin wanted to cook something for them that would take hours to prepare. No one else seems to be as bothered as Taehyung, but Taehyung's certain that they are hiding it in order to be polite to their dutiful hyung. They just won't admit it.
Taehyung is about to leave and escape to the lounge; he can see Jimin and Jungkook playing a rather serious looking game of Mario Kart, but it's Yoongi who pulls him back by the scruff of his t-shirt with a look that brings a shiver down his spine.
"Mario Kart can wait," he admonishes. "Help me with cutting the onions, please."
Taehyung almost whines again, but stops himself immediately at the look that both Yoongi and Seokjin give him. He raises both thumbs up in the air at the two of them, whistling to himself as he picks up one of the sharper looking knives, nearly dropping it in the process.
Seokjin's eyes widen, his arm outstretched towards Taehyung. "Be careful!" he shouts. But luckily, nothing drastic happens to anyone's toes.
At this silly discrepancy, Taehyung begins cutting up the onions in a way that he knows Seokjin recommends, his eyes stinging mercilessly. A laugh erupts from the direction of the lounge, and Taehyung can't help but turn his head at the noise.
"Give up already, Jimin. I'm already way ahead of you." Jungkook nudges Jimin with his elbow and ducks when Jimin attempts to hit him with his console.
"Just wait and see, brat." Jimin suddenly tackles Jungkook, the two of them disappearing from sight.
Taehyung is faced with that ever present twisting feeling in his stomach. He waits for the laughter to die down, for the shouts of "stop it, Jimin hyung" to come to an end. When Jungkook jumps out of Jimin's clutches, the fear slowly subsides. Jungkook is breathing heavily, his shoulders moving up and down. His hair is ruffled, his clothes crumpled, exposing his lower abdomen. Jungkook looks up at Taehyung, their eyes meeting, as Taehyung snaps right back to his onion-cutting duties. It takes all of his will-power to stop himself from turning around to stare at him longer.
This has been happening for a couple of months now.
Taehyung's not sure when Jungkook started to become something more to him. Sometimes he wonders whether it has always been there. He admits that Jungkook has always been attractive to him, but he could say the same thing about the others. Yet, he knows his feelings for Jungkook are completely different. When he sees Jungkook smile, he wants to capture the moment forever, and then he wants to kiss him. He's a hundred percent sure that this is not your normal friend-like behaviour.
When Taehyung finally cuts up the onions, he notices the way Seokjin's eyes are on him. Yoongi has left the room for a moment, in search of a bigger bowl.
"W-what?" Taehyung asks with uncertainty.
Seokjin's silent gaze is unnerving. For a second, Taehyung fears that Seokjin has him figured out. Seokjin glances back at the younger boys and then turn to him fully.
"You know..." he starts. "If there's anything you need to talk about, I'm all ears."
Taehyung feels the blush rising before he can control himself. "There's nothing to talk about," he mumbles.
He can tell Seokjin doesn't believe him, but he doesn't want to go into detail about his crush on Jeon Jungkook, fellow group-mate, who might hear them from across the room. Taehyung's thankful that Seokjin doesn't push it. Even so, he has a feeling that this conversation isn't going to stop here.
---
As dinner is served, Taehyung bounces up and down in his seat. His stomach is still rumbling, the smells coming from the dishes are only making it worse. When Yoongi places the last dish down, Taehyung dives for it with his chopsticks. Unfortunately, Yoongi is too quick, and bats his hand away reproachfully.
Taehyung feels like they are all ganging up on him. He sighs, folding his arms against his chest. He has to wait until the right moment when Yoongi (at least) isn't looking. Then, he can finally eat in peace. He's slightly taken aback when Jungkook, who had been trying to find a space between the cluster of boys, sits next to him, his thigh bumping against Taehyung's. Jungkook grins at him, a lopsided grin that Taehyung feels is only reserved for him. For a second, his hunger disappears, and all he can think about is the way Jungkook's body feels next to his.
Jungkook picks up a pair of chopsticks and instead of feeding himself, he does the strangest thing possible. He attempts to feed Taehyung, but Taehyung is too quick, diving out of the way as fast as possible. In hindsight, this was probably an unwise idea, as there is now food across his cheek.
"I think Taehyung is uncomfortable with the maknae feeding him," Hoseok teases.
Taehyung watches Jungkook's eyes widen before they drop to the ground. His behaviour causes Taehyung to regret his decision. He wishes that Hoseok wouldn't voice his thoughts like that. Yes, he's uncomfortable with it, but he doesn't want Jungkook to know that. If he does, he might get closer to the truth.
So, he decides to toughen up. If he's going to keep on pretending that nothing has changed and everything is as it should be, he's going to have to start acting like it. He tries to forget about all the worries in his head, if only for a second. He grabs Jungkook's hand, still holding the chopsticks, and lets the younger boy feed him once again. It's embarrassing, and matters are made worse by the way his members laugh and cheer at Taehyung's gall. Jungkook snorts at him, but he can tell that he had made the right move.
He wipes the mess from his cheek, grinning wildly. "Aren't I a fabulous cook? Don't you agree dear Kookie?" He grabs onto Jungkook's neck bringing him into a tight hug. No matter how much the boy struggles, Taehyung refuses to let go. He almost zones out the sound of Seokjin and Yoongi's irritated protests, until Yoongi grabs a fistful of the food they had made, and shoves it into Taehyung's face.
No matter how many times Seokjin complains about the state of their dorm, or the fact that they are letting good food that they had made go to waste, he can't stop laughing. His insides feel like they are about to burst. By the end of it, he is covered from head to toe, his hair an unkempt mess. After all of this he comes to the realisation that this is what makes everything okay, in the end. No matter what people say about his part in the group, the fact that he is loved by them all, that's all he ever needs. For a short time, he believes that this is what makes everything worthwhile.
All seven boys are wheezing, hands sticky with food, bellies full with what hadn't been included in the mess. However, Taehyung's high is brought down just a notch when Seokjin demands that Taehyung, Jungkook, and Jimin clean up the mess. All three demand otherwise, although unsuccessfully.
Luckily, everyone agrees to help out. Once they have finished, they lie down where they see fit, arms outstretched and eyes heavy. Taehyung kicks Jimin from where he lies with his legs sprawled on top of him. The boy doesn't make a move to get off of him. He sits up slowly, noticing that everyone seems to have fallen asleep, either from eating or from over-exertion. It had been a long day, after all.
Taehyung successfully moves Jimin without waking him up, making his way across the living room, as he silently tiptoes past the sleeping boys. He grabs his phone from where he left it in his room and switches it on. His attention is instantly directed towards the tweet from earlier, yet this time, its retweets have grown, as well as its comments. Some of them defend him, saying how amazing he is, how much they love him and care for him. Although Taehyung loves those fans, he can't help but fixate on the negative, the ones that agree with the original tweet. They are what stick.
He collapses onto his bed, and although he knows he should turn off his phone and try to sleep, he can't help himself. So he falls deeper, sacrificing another night of sleep to malicious words that strike too close to home.
---
It's another live performance of Dope and Taehyung knows he's been over it enough to know it off by heart. But there's a niggling feeling in his stomach that makes him feel a lot worse than he usually does just before he is about to perform. Usually the nervousness feels good, it reminds him how lucky he is to have this feeling, to know that in only a few minutes he will be performing the music he loves. Yet, it's not that giddy nervous feeling that has him dancing along stupidly with Hoseok to the performers prior to them. It's gnawing away at him from the inside; he's beginning to think that something is going to happen to mess it all up. He doesn't believe in psychic powers, or anything of the sort. But there's an instinct there that tells him to be wary.
Namjoon, Jimin and Yoongi stand close enough to hear the screams. Taehyung notices, too, how they're trying their best to remain calm. Usually he would go over and join them, leaving his worries firmly behind him. But he can't seem to move.
"You seem nervous," Hoseok observes beside him. "Are you feeling okay?"
Taehyung is rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet and if he was absolutely honest, he'd tell Hoseok that he feels like he's about to throw up. Although, he doesn't admit to this.
"No, me? I'm not nervous, it's pre-performance jitters!" He realises his voice isn't very convincing. So, he decides to laugh, hoping to cover up the slight hitch in his tone.
Hoseok grins. "Well, don't worry. We'll be on stage soon enough!"
Truthfully, this is what worries him. He wonders whether any of those fans from those comments will be watching this performance, whether it be in person or on a TV screen. Either way, he can't help but wonder what they'll think. It has never bothered him as much before, but now he isn't acting like his usual self. He knows that the others are beginning to catch on, too.
Maybe it's because Taehyung has been too preoccupied with his thoughts for the last half an hour, but when they are finally called on stage, it feels like no time has passed at all. He breathes in and out, trying to steady himself and to clear his head. For a minute, he imagines it working. All seven boys are ready to go on, and the next few seconds seem to pass by insanely quickly. It's only Jungkook's hand, squeezing his that pulls him back to reality before he is hit by the blinding lights and the screams - and the performance begins.
Thankfully, the first half goes perfectly well. There are no major mistakes made on his part, or on anyone else's. His body floods with adrenaline, his heart beating wildly in his chest. Every moment that goes by is sacred; he hates the fact that it is coming to an end.
The last bridge is coming up, and so is his part, and it's at this point that he realises exactly what he was worried about. Staring at all the faces in the crowd, he can see their expectation staring right back at him. They expect him to sing and dance to the best of his ability. It is at this point that his voice chooses to crack.
Part of him wants to believe it isn't noticeable, that the out of tune part was probably nothing to worry about. Yet, from that point on, he keeps on making mistakes. He tries to smile when the performance is done, to seem happy and content. When all of the group file backstage, he turns towards his fellow members. He wishes he was imagining the concern in their eyes.
"I'm really sorry. I don't know how I messed up. It was all going so well and then I -"
Namjoon stops him from continuing any further. "You don't need to worry, we all make mistakes."
Taehyung is about to protest, maybe to apologise once more, but Seokjin beats him to the punch. "I think we're more worried about you than your performance."
This would be the perfect time to let it all out, to vent about his insecurities and his countless self-doubts. They would surely listen to him and help him. Unfortunately, though, one of his insecurities is standing across from him, and that makes everything a lot harder.
Taehyung shakes his head, stuffing his hands into his jean pockets. He can tell they are still concerned, and despite it being the right time to say something, he'd rather not say anything at all. He tries to remember what the old him would do, so he pushes everything away, as far away as he can.
"You're right, Namjoonie-hyung. I saw the way Jin-hyung's arms were flailing earlier," he jokes and Seokjin lets out a startled laugh, a "this damned brat" on the tip of his tongue.
Although the atmosphere has cleared, it doesn't change the way Taehyung is running over his mistakes over and over again in his mind.
When they finally arrive home after a painstakingly long interview and a swift car journey back, Taehyung checks every site that might have links to the performance of Dope from earlier that evening. There are tons of praise for all the boys, as well as many comments on their clothes and physique, besides other things. But Taehyung, as usual, is focused on the negatives.
If V hadn't slipped up, the performance would have been perfect!
They're right.
I swear V always messes things up.
They're right.
How great would this have been if V wasn't in it?
They're right.
BTS doesn't need him. They could have been so much better if Taehyung hadn't messed up, but he always continues to do so. He tries to be better, to make it seem worthwhile him being a part of the group. Yet, he feels like he is the chink in the chain. A piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit.
They don't need him at all.
---
At 1:00AM, Taehyung is out of the house, a hat and sunglasses the only use of disguise.
At 2:00AM, he returns, carrying several cans of beer and sporting a feather boa that he had received after announcing, very loudly, that his name was V.
At 3:00AM, he has downed most of the beer and feels, quite honestly, very sick. And very drunk. The whole room seems to be spinning; he can't help but sing to himself as he watches it go by. He tries to follow the world do its work, but like everything, it slips out of his hands, and he finds himself collapsed on the couch with no will to get up again.
He doesn't know what time it is. In fact, he's mostly interested in getting more alcohol. But there's a slight part of him that understands how bad this would be, for many reasons. He's considering staying where he is, content as can be. His head hangs off of the end, his feet protruding in the air. Taehyung is brought out of his reverie when he hears footsteps coming closer, he doesn't care to move, at first. It's only the sight of Jungkook gazing at him quizzically that shoots sense back into him.
And of course he has to make a fool out of himself by falling off, his head banging hard on the carpet floor.
"Are you alright, hyung?" Jungkook asks, pulling him back into a sitting position.
Taehyung swats at him. "Stop moving about so much."
"I'm not doing anything at all." Jungkook peers closer at him. "Are you drunk?"
"Drunk!" Taehyung exclaims. "Is that what this is? Maybe that's why you look so pretty right now!" He pats Jungkook's cheek affectionately and pinches it. Jungkook's nose scrunches up, partly with embarrassment but also with displeasure. Taehyung knows he's staring, but he can't help himself.
He hasn't dropped his hand (he doesn't want to.)
"Come with me!" he laces his fingers with Jungkook's own, dragging him to the nearest window. He holds onto his hand, never letting go, as he places himself directly on the window sill, raising the window so that his back angles quite dangerously off of the ledge.
"That's really dangerous, Taehyung." Jungkook tries to bring him back towards him and away from the ledge. Taehyung only swings himself further away from him. He looks over his shoulder at the top, only now realising how far up they are. The world seems to look so small, he's beginning to feel dizzy.
He turns back to Jungkook, clasping both of the younger boy's hands in his. "There's something I've wanted to say to you for a really long time. And I want you to listen."
"What are you talking-"
Taehyung places a finger on Jungkook's (beautifully soft) lips. "Kookie. Listen." Jungkook finally obeys.
Taehyung rocks back and forth, despite it being dangerous, yet there's a part of him that doesn't care. If it causes Jungkook's eyes to widen, bringing him back by placing a steadying hand on his thigh, then he'll keep on doing it.
"You see, Jungkookie, if you answer me incorrectly, I'll fall, I swear to it. So you have to say the right thing, okay?" Taehyung still won't let Jungkook interrupt, even though the boy has started to panic.
"I like you a lot." His hand rests on the back of the boy's neck before pulling him closer towards him. "More than that. Do you like me?"
Maybe it takes a while for Jungkook to comprehend what it is Taehyung is implying, but he doesn't respond straight away like Taehyung imagines he would.
"Isn't it obvious? If I had to answer whether I liked you or not the answer would be yes, but..."
"But what?"
Jungkook bites his lip nervously. "But you're my friend."
Taehyung has always loved hearing that he is someone's friend, but right now it is the worst word that Jungkook could have chosen.
"Wrong answer," he murmurs; he can feel himself tipping. Jungkook stops him, reaching out to pull him back.
"Wait!" The younger boy exclaims.
Taehyung shakes his head furiously. "No, you don't like me and you don't need me. Sometimes I wonder whether you'd all be better off without me. Whether you really need me at all."
"How can you say that?" Jungkook protests. Taehyung doesn't want to hear him anymore. He pushes him away with all that he has, with every bit of strength in his body. He is proud of himself when he finally creates distance between them but then he looks at Jungkook's face, and the horror there confuses him.
"Taehyung!" Jungkook shouts, his hand outstretched towards him, but this time, it doesn't reach him.
Taehyung doesn't realise he's falling until his view shifts and Jungkook is out of sight. He vaguely knows what's happening; strangely, a part of himself welcomes it.
But then he remembers what happens when a person hits the ground from this high up.
The last thing he hears is Jungkook screaming.
---
Taehyung assumed that that was it; his life had ended. It was quite a surprise when he had woken up, seemingly unharmed.
It was even more of a surprise when he figured out where he was, or more like where he wasn't.