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At least he didn't get a penlight in his eyes. Other than that advantage, though, getting a post-mission physical while he was invisible was a little nerve-wracking. The doc had a lot of sharp things and couldn't actually see him.
She and Carter were setting up some kind of radiation monitor now—thankfully no pointy things on that. Jack took advantage of the break and slid off the bed to stretch his legs.
"How's the wing, Siler?" The sergeant was on a bed angled for sitting up, with his arm in a sling.
"Colonel?” Siler was about five degrees off of facing him directly. "Did I hear correctly that you got turned invisible during that raid on one of Anubis's ships?"
"Yup. That's about the size of it."
"Oh, good. That means the pain meds are just about worn off, and I'll be good to go soon. If I'd been hallucinating..."
Jack patted his good shoulder. "Well, I can't speak to any consequences of the '70s, but if you can't see me, you're not hallucinating."
Siler scrunched up his face uncertainly. "Right, sir."
When Jack turned around, it looked like Carter and the doc were talking to thin air at his own exam bed. Whoops.
"Are you looking for me?" he called out. They both turned in his direction.
Janet sighed and waved him over. She held out one of those clamp thingies from her tray. "I never thought I'd say this, but could you please fiddle with this doohickey so I can see where you are?"
Daniel and Teal'c showed up just then, and Daniel raised his eyebrows. "Oh, boy. This is going to be a pain."
“Clearly," Teal'c agreed.
The doc just pulled him over to the scanner, and he spun the clamp around a finger while they took measurements.
"There are low levels of radiation," Carter said, eyebrows scrunched.
"Not gamma radiation, right?" Jack checked.
"No, sir," she confirmed, smiling, while Daniel sighed.
"It's an Ang Lee movie, he said," Daniel muttered, with audible air quotes. "It'll be arty, he said."
Jack snorted. "Hey, we go on space adventures. I'm not ruling anything out." He knew damn well that Daniel wasn't nearly as highbrow as he was pretending. Not after a lecture comparing Hulk to werewolf lore and Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
--
As the debriefing finished, General Hammond waved him over. "Colonel, one moment, if you will." He held out a handful of papers, which Jack took. "Hang on to those," the general said. "I want to keep track of where you are, so you don't wander off like you did during Major Carter's report."
"I was just getting a coffee," Jack protested, hoping his innocent voice came through without the face to go with it.
The general made a noncommittal mm hmm as he led the way into his office.
Jack sat opposite as Hammond caught him up on the current mission roster. Then Hammond added, "I've received a request from the Pentagon. They want input on whether women should be allowed in combat units or special forces. The Joint Chiefs are hearing from female troops wanting the recognition and opportunities for advancement—from all over, not just our women in uniform. I'm going to want your help putting this together." Well, it was a break from the constant demands for alien weapons—at least this was a real opportunity to make things better. The SGC's women deserved more recognition than being specialists ”attached" to units on the front lines.
At one point the general glanced down for a moment and Jack slid the handful of papers he was still holding inside his BDU jacket.
The general startled, looking around. "Colonel?"
"Sorry, sir, right here," Jack said, sliding the papers back out. So, that was useful to know.
—
A sweaty towel hit him in the face and dropped to the floor. Great. Jack was standing as far into the corner of the gym as he could get so no one would trip over him, but it wasn't risk free. He toed the towel forward as unobtrusively as possible, in case someone came to retrieve it.
Teal'c was standing on the mat facing Captain Teldy, and looking nearly twice her size. Jack figured he could get a first-hand look at the hand-to-hand skills of their women troops, without them being put off by seeing Hammond's number two watching them.
The captain didn't look fazed by Teal'c's size—when he came after her, she turned his attack against him and got him down on the mat in a chokehold.
"Very good," Teal'c told her, as she gave him a hand up. "If I am not mistaken, you have studied the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu to give you an advantage over larger opponents."
"Good catch, sir," she said, impressed. "Have you studied all of Earth's martial arts?"
"I have familiarized myself with many," he replied, wiping his hands on a towel. "I have seen many humans with a size disadvantage achieve effective results with Krav Maga, as well. Have you considered it?"
"I've thought about it," the captain said. She started circling back into a face-off position. "You think I should look into it?"
"Additional knowledge in self defense is never wasted." Teal'c tossed his towel and, of course. Of course it hit Jack in the face.
--
Daniel was annoyingly focused on some old manuscript.
Jack spun in his chair. "Hey. I spy with my little eye something gray."
Daniel huffed. Then he rattled off rapidly, without even looking up, "The wall. The floor. The ceiling. My chair. Your chair. The Hanaynay harvest obelisk. The Abyssinian agriculture book. The Kilpeck Sheela Na Gig. That rock from 592 that I’m telling you is just a rock. The bull on the bowl Tuplo gave me. Your hair—oh wait, that’s invisible. My hair, the longer you bother me."
Jack stopped spinning, and sighed. "It was the book. C’mon, it’s your turn."
Daniel was frighteningly good at looking right at him, even while he was invisible. "I spy with my little eye something transparent." Then he put his head down, back to work.
Jack gave up. ”Fine. I’ll just see myself out."
Well, Daniel was obviously too absorbed to enjoy a good play on words.
--
Jack saw the open doorway and couldn't resist slipping in. Felger had just laid down his clipboard and turned to something on his counter. Jack slipped behind him, quietly snagged the clipboard, and moved it to the opposite counter. Then he stepped back and waited.
Felger reached for the clipboard, then turned around, confused. He finally spotted it, and made his notes, a puzzled frown on his face. As soon as he set it down and went back to work, Jack moved it again.
After a few more rounds, Jack wondered if he would get tired of the game.
He didn't.
—
On the way to the commissary, Jack realized that this was his chance. The kitchen staff had refused to make what he wanted, but now he could get the ingredients himself. The galley only had one cook on, since it was swing shift and the steam table out front only needed occasional restocking.
Jack concentrated on not humming out loud as he slipped into the supply shelves and sneaked the food items he was looking for into his waistband. Once he was stocked up, he slipped out, then made a noisier entrance to the commissary.
"Hey, ho, Trina," he called out, flourishing a tray. "Got any pasta for a man with midnight munchies?"
"Sure thing, Colonel," she replied, piling up a plate of spaghetti.
"No sauce!" he said, hurriedly. "Plain is fine." What did it say about the SGC that his request for no sauce gave her more pause than talking to an invisible colonel?
Jack carried his tray to a table out of the staff's line of sight, and pulled out the stolen ingredients to doctor his late-night snack. Just as he was about to dig in, the rest of SG-1 entered the commissary. He froze, hoping they would pass over the empty-looking table.
No such luck.
"There you are, sir," Carter said brightly, and all three sat down at his table.
"I'm invisible. How in the hell did you know where I was?"
"Spaghetti with maple syrup, sprinkles, mini-marshmallows, chocolate syrup, M&M's, and Pop-Tarts? You really didn't think we'd know who was sitting here?" Daniel asked.
"Are you really going to eat that, sir?" Carter added.
"Of course." Jack had been wanting to try this for months. He twirled his fork in the mixture on his plate and took a mouthful. It was ... He chewed gamely, trying to grind the food small enough to get it down his throat and off his tongue.
"I really wish I could see his face right now," Daniel mused.
"Indeed," Teal'c agreed, and Carter snickered.
Jack was pretty glad they couldn't.
--
On his way to the VIP lounge set up for him, Jack made a quick bypass through the recreation lounge and changed the channel on all the televisions to the Women's World Curling Championships. Babes, rocks, ice. Everybody could appreciate that, right?
--
It was the middle of the night, but Jack was still a little gate-lagged. Going to sleep wasn't going to happen, so he took to the hallways again. There, that door was perfect—the bunk room. Reynolds' team had a short turnaround between missions so they were going to be just crashing on base in between. Nothing like some short-sheeted beds to greet them with. They’d never see it coming. Heh.
—
Jack swung by Teal’c’s. The big guy was still up, if meditating. Somehow he seemed to know Jack was loitering in his doorway, though.
"I would suggest you not attempt any of your pranks, O’Neill. It would not end well for you."
"Pranks, me?" Jack tried.
Teal’c just lifted an eyebrow. "Boredom is not a good look on you."
—
Daniel collected him way too early the next morning for breakfast. Well, at least he could steal.
"You don't need to look so smug," Daniel said, not even looking up from his book. "Even if you're invisible, I can still see the bacon sliding sideways off the plate."
"If I'm invisible, then how do you know I look smug?" Hah. Jack crunched on his illicit bacon.
Daniel snorted. "Like I need to see you to know when you're smug." He suddenly speared a fork into the commissary table, next to the bacon, missing Jack's reaching hand by a hair. Daniel then lifted the fork and twirled it in the direction of Jack's face. "Doesn't matter if you're all Sue Storm—I still know you."
Jack waited until Daniel had traded his fork for his coffee mug before he leaned in to whisper in Daniel's ear, "If I'm Sue Storm, does that mean you're Reed Richards? I'd love for you to be able to stretch your arm, long and thin, right down my pants without me even having to take off my belt. With elastic fingers like that, you could—"
Daniel choked on his coffee and spilled from his mug as he clumsily fended Jack off with his elbow. "Wow, okay. I had no idea you had a Mr. Fantastic kink.” He patted futilely at the mess with his napkin.
Meanwhile, Jack had an opening to snatch another piece of bacon. Sweet.
--
"Oh, hey, Siler."
Siler looked around, confused. Jack waved, but Siler still couldn't find where he was. Jack whistled a few notes, then said, "Right here, buddy," as he stepped forward and clasped the sergeant's shoulder—the one without the sling.
"Yes, sir," Siler said. He seemed a little relieved to know where Jack was.
"So ... I'm going to need a dog."
--
Not enough sleep the night before and a too-early morning finally caught up to him. Unfortunately, the VIP room was on the short list of places people would come looking for him. Jack slipped into an empty briefing room and figured he could just recline in an executive chair to catch a few winks.
The next thing he knew, he was being shaken awake by Daniel, with the archeology gate team peering over his shoulder. "You were snoring," was all Daniel said.
On the one hand, embarrassing. On the other hand, nobody could see him being embarrassed. Or drooling.
—
Watching Carter leave the gym after another martial arts recon reminded Jack of something he'd been meaning to do for a while. He made a quick detour by his own gym locker.
He listened from the hallway outside the women's locker room as Carter chatted with that new second lieutenant from SG-9.
"—long's he going to stay like that?"
"Until we can wrestle him through the gate to retrieve the cloaking device we need to turn him back."
"Not going for it, huh? I guess I can see the tactical advantage of being invisible." Hah. See? "Still, kinda weird having an invisible colonel around the base." Hey.
"Weird? It's a pain in the mik'ta." Both women laughed. Oh, he was so getting Carter for that.
Jack heard the sound of two locker doors closing, and hugged the wall as the lieutenant came out—a marine, trained in explosives, and a redhead. He definitely didn't want to get caught by her.
When the coast was clear, he got closer to the entrance and listened for the shower turning on. A few seconds later, he slipped into the locker room. Carter would be a good ten minutes—plenty of time for what he needed.
He settled in front of her locker and reached under his BDU jacket for the air horn, string, and duct tape he had ready. He opened the locker door as quietly as possible and started rigging the air horn.
"Sir? Are you there?"
Dammit. He almost missed the days when he was the only one on the team with spidey senses, and his scientists traipsed around with one-track brains.
He pulled his prank gear back under his jacket as quietly as possible. "Nope."
--
When he heard the quiet knock, Jack leaped to open the door of his room.
Daniel slipped in and Jack closed and locked the door behind him, pushing Daniel up against it for a kiss. They never did this on base, but Jack was going to be staying at the mountain as long as he was transparent, and they had agreed that since his room had no cameras it would be pretty low risk.
It was a relief to get his hands, and mouth, on Daniel. At least until Daniel staggered and pulled away.
"Whoa. Ugh."
Jack couldn't help but feel a flash of hurt.
Daniel was shaking his head. "Sorry, I opened my eyes for a second and got the worst case of vertigo. Eyes closed—you just feel like normal. But seeing that I was kissing empty air?" He winced and put his hand to his stomach.
"So, close your eyes, then," Jack suggested.
"I think it'll be easier if we just turn out the lights," Daniel replied. Jack had to admit, that made sense.
During the ensuing events, though, he was sorry he didn't get to watch Daniel, naked and beautiful, and mentioned it afterwards. "Maybe you could wear a blindfold—then you wouldn't get dizzy and I could still see you."
"Not that I don't mind a blindfold now and again"—which they knew was true—"but I don't want to never see you again. I want to see your eyes, know we're seeing each other."
And, dammit, that was a good point.
—
"Colonel, SG-1 has a go to retrieve the cloaking device, and godspeed." Hammond released the microphone button and nodded to them from the viewing window.
Jack could see the questioning glances between Carter and Teal'c—they didn't know he was facing backwards. Let them think it was Hammond's orders to get changed back to visible that motivated him.
"Let's get this done," Daniel said, walking up the ramp with his hand on Jack's shoulder to keep track of him.
"It'll be good to have you back, sir," Carter contributed.
Teal'c just intoned, "We shall … see."