Chapter Text
Shen Qingqiu woke up with a start.
He was met with light too bright to be in a dank cell, and a ceiling that was uncanny in its familiarity.
His first thought was confusion. There was no way he could be in the bamboo house, he was almost sure it was destroyed by that little beast. And yet, this was indeed how he remembered his home.
He tried to recall what happened before he woke here, and vaguely remembered swallowing the shards of Xuan Su. Had he died?
Ah. More likely, it was a dreamscape Luo Binghe dragged him into.
That would make sense, and explain why Yue Qingyuan, whom Luo Binghe had just killed, was currently sitting near his bed.
'Qi-ge..' he thought before he could stop himself. Unbidden, a lump formed in his throat.
It had been so long since he'd seen the man..
What a clever new method of torture this was. Shen Qingqiu was afraid that this would indeed be the thing to finally break him. He thought that his will had broken when Yue Qingyuan died, but now.. now he would likely have to watch him die up close. Or be put through whatever other gruesome schemes Luo Binghe had dreamed up.
Nothing was ever enough for the little beast. No pain or humiliation seemed to satisfy him, nor quell any of the anger he had built up over the years, but this was one of his better ideas.
He'd tried similar methods before, but he could never get far enough into Shen Qingqiu's brain to pick out his memories or thoughts.. he must have finally realized that Yue Qingyuan meant more to Shen Qingqiu than he let on.
Shen Qingqiu blinked and noticed that both eyes worked again. He could feel his tongue, and his limbs. It was an odd, disorienting sensation. He wondered how many years it'd been since he could speak.
He smiled bitterly, there was absolutely nothing he could do in this situation, he already felt himself relax unwillingly just by being in the bamboo house again.
He would get comfortable, and then be subjected to the horror of reality. He knew Luo Binghe would exploit every weakness he found here.
Shen Qingqiu opened his eyes once more, and heaved himself upright. He felt quite unsteady, unused to such movements.
Yue Qingyuan noticed he was awake, and rushed to his side, propping him up with pillows.
"Shen-shidi! How are you feeling? You've suffered another Qi deviation." He said worriedly. He wore that small but rather disgustingly fond smile. Shen Qingqiu tried to push away the thought that he'd missed seeing it.
"This one is fine." Shen Qingqiu replied, unable to muster his usual vitriol. His voice felt odd to his own ears, stilted and wrong somehow.
He brushed Yue Qingyuan off, trying to keep a neutral tone. It wouldn't do to give Luo Binghe any more leverage than he already had, wherever the beast might be lurking or watching. Luckily, he was quite used to treating the sect master this way.
Yue Qingyuan seemed mildly hurt by the harsh tone, but his smile didn't waver. He was used to Shen Qingqiu's moods.
"If you would allow me to check your spiritual pathways-" He started, but Shen Qingqiu cut him off swiftly.
"This one is fine, and does not need you to check."
Shen Qingqiu was almost surprised he could still be so cold to Yue Qingyuan, but it had been second nature for so long. Apparently old habits didn't die hard for Shen Qingqiu.
However it.. made a part of his chest ache, to continue acting this way to him.
But perhaps that didn't mean much when practically his entire body ached.
His eyes roamed over the other man's familiar features..
It hurt, seeing Yue Qingyuan. His face, his mannerisms. It felt so vividly real, and that made it hurt all the more. Shen Qingqiu briefly wished he knew where his fan was, he wasn't sure he could control his face correctly.
Apparently he'd been lost in his own thoughts for too long, and he suddenly realized that the sect leader was speaking again.
"-now that you're awake, but until then, I need to be sure you're stable enough, Xiao Jiu." Yue Qingyuan was saying, with that aggravatingly soft look.
Hearing that name again felt like a slap to the face. It broke through his careful composure immediately, his face falling.
He hadn't heard that in so long.. but it still managed to make him upset.
He was frozen in place, uncomprehending of whatever Yue Qingyuan was saying now.
Shen Qingqiu vaguely registered a few tears slip unbidden down, and his face twist to a grimace. It felt like a cord snapping in him. He couldn't do this.
Before he knew what he was doing, he was stumbling from the bed, hastily scrubbing his face.
Yue Qingyuan was there in a second, saying something as he tried to help stabilize Shen Qingqiu.
Shen Qingqiu finally found his voice after sucking in enough breath to yell. "Don't call me that!" His voice broke. "Leave,"
He shoved the man away forcefully. Unfortunately that caused him to stumble himself, as unsteady on his feet as he was right now. His knees hit the floor hard and the world blurred around him slightly.
Undignified. His brain helpfully supplied.
"Please calm down! You cannot have another deviation, at this point it would kill you," Yue Qingyuan said, sounding frantic as he dropped down to kneel beside him. Hovering, as if unsure that touching him would make the situation worse.
"No, I refuse to play this game! I cannot- I-" Shen Qingqiu gripped his hair tightly, trying to keep hold of the panic and fear rising in his throat. He hadn't broken down like this in decades.
"I'll never forgive you. Even if you die a million times, even if I must watch! After all these years you still have the audacity to call me that, after leaving me!"
He felt Yue Qingyuan stiffen beside him, obviously shocked at his words. They'd never actually talked about it. Skirted around it for years, but never truly mentioned what happened.
Shen Qingqiu was panicking. He gasped in a breath, unable to get enough air, unable to look Yue Qingyuan in the eyes.
"Just going about pretending it never happened- Even the version of you created from my mind must be unfailingly obtuse! Letting me treat you and anyone else whatever way that suited me.. how did you go on knowing you let someone such as me be a peak lord?!"
He bent over, panic wracking his frame. He clutched his eye that was normally unseeing, the phantom pain made it sting sharply.
The room was deathly quiet except for his sobs. He dared not look up at the man beside him, his gaze locked on the grain of the wood as he tried to regain his composure.
After a minute Yue Qingyuan seemed to finally find words.
"Sh- Shen-shidi.. I'm.. I apologize. I- know it means nothing to you now, I know I should have begged your forgiveness before but I- thought you would not want it. I'm sorry.." Yue Qingyuan sounded so pained. Shen Qingqiu wasn't the only one crying now.
"I tried.. I did Xiao Jiu, I'm so sorry I wasn't fast enough. If I had been stronger-"
Shen Qingqiu had never heard him so upset.. Confusion briefly broke through the haze of panic.
"What are you blabbering about?" Shen Qingqiu snapped, waves of confusion and fear still making his head pound. He felt somewhat like he was suffocating.
"By- By the time I got there you were gone.. I tried to get back as fast as I could. I'm- you are correct, to not forgive me. I would not deserve it."
His voice was so quiet, but it was all Shen Qingqiu could focus on. His world was falling apart so fast.
'This is not true. It cannot be- this is a dream..' The thoughts repeated in his brain, and he briefly felt like the world was frozen.
"Why- why would you never tell me this..?" Desperation filled his voice, his fists clenched in his sleeping robe. He was getting caught up in this.. even if it felt real, there was no way it could be. The years of torture had made him weak, and willing to crack.
"I thought it would make no difference.. I failed you either way," Yue Qingyuan replied with uncertainty. Shen Qingyuan finally looked up, meeting his eyes.
Yue Qingyuan looked so pained. Why did things always end up like this with Qi-ge? Yue Qingyuan had died for him. Giving up his life even just for a chance to save him..
Yue Qingyuan had always been foolish like that. He briefly felt familiar anger bubble up at his martyring tendencies, but it was gone almost as quick as it came.
"You- are an imbecile, Qi-ge," He choked on a laugh, or perhaps a sob. The throbbing in his head was becoming harder to ignore, and he put a hand to his head. He heard Yue Qingyuan's voice become fainter as the world faded, and he promptly passed out.
"Shidi!" Yue Qingyuan exclaimed and rushed to catch him.
He laid him down on the bed again, and checked Shen Qingqiu's spiritual pathways.. Perhaps this was worse than he had originally thought.
Yue Qingyuan rubbed his temple, confused and worried, before getting up to summon Mu Qingfang.