Chapter Text
“So… I pulled a Stephen, and now we have this portal,” Peter pointed behind him. “Just sitting in the middle of my apartment.”
“You created a portal to another dimension, no idea where it leads too, and you just HAVE it sitting in your apartment?” Wolverine spoke in a husky, hushed, irritated tone. “How are you considered a genius…”
“Wolvie, he had unmedicated ADHD. My special little boy is a smarty pants,” Wade wrapped a protective arm around the smaller man. “But he’s a bit… he’s a hot mess.”
“Thanks a lot, Wade,” Peter rolled his eyes from underneath his mask.
“English would’ve been nice,” the other man grumbled quietly. “So what now? Why did you bring us here Peter?” Wolverine asked.
“Well I had to tell someone! Before at least, Fury is all over my ass,” Peter huffed.
“Well why don’t we figure out what’s on the other side?” Wade proposed, a smile growing from underneath his own mask.
“No. That’s too dangerous. Peter, if you don’t want Fury carryin’ a flame under yer ass, I’d just tell Hank about it. I’m sure he would be able to figure… this out,” Wolverine used his claw to circle the portal in front of them.
“And how boring is that?” Wade snapped back immediately. “Eugggghhhh. You always wanna do things the proper way!”
“At least I’m mentally sound, Wade,” Wolverine sighed.
“Well I am not listening to you—“ the mercenary turned to his boyfriend. “Wanna know what’s on the other side?”
“Yeah! Duh! That’s what I’m trying to figure out—“ Peter scratched his head as his eyes on his mask adjusted.
“Let’s find out! Meet ya there!” Suddenly, Deadpool pushed Peter through the portal.
“What the hell did you fucking do, Wade!?” Logan scolded, before seeing Wade cross his arms and wave goodbye as he fell backwards into the portal. Wolverine snarled, shaking his head and jumping in through the portal.
———
“Okay dude, I’m just saying, I’m sensing a pattern here,” Tim spoke as his feet kicked against the building with the noodles in his lap. He stuffed his face with the food, holding his hand over his mouth as he chewed. “I meanf, cmon!”
“That’s not the nicest thing to say to a guy with a gun, and who just bought you Chinese,” Jason sat down on the curb alongside his brother. “And the same man who killed Black Mask for you.”
“Okay, listen,” Tim swallowed his noodles and glared at Jason, his brother. “It wasn’t even for me, it was for a GANG initiation thank you.”
“Sometimes I question if I killed the right dude,” Jason began. “I swear I see him walking around. Did I put the right head into my duffle bag?”
“Well I would HOPE you would know who you killed, right?” Tim asked, smiling awkwardly.
“Of COURSE I know who I killed, Timothy . Maybe it’s just a copycat wanting to replace his idol.”
“Eugh,” Tim rolled his eyes.
“I know, he’s stealing MY style. Red and black was my thing before this dude was even thought of!” Jason pouted, crossing his arms.
“Mmmfh-“ Red Robin stuffed his face more with noodles. Chewing, and swallowing before responding. “Red and black isn’t really the most original color scheme ever...” Tim looked down at his own suit. *
“Oh whatever!” Jason kicked his feet in a huff.*
“He’s musty,” Jason rolled his eyes and crossing his arms defensively.
“We know,” Robin put the lid to his noodles on the container, looking around for a trash can. “But I can’t fault him, I think he doesn’t have access to running water. At least before he went to Arkham Asylum. Okay… well…”
“He was never IN Arkham Asylum, he was a doctor, Tim.” Jason stood up. Extending his hand, he took Tim’s empty container and aimed at the trash can way below the two. “But I guess before then, showering wasn’t really an… important…thing to him.”
“You liked it,” Tim smirked as Jason threw the container. Hissing at himself -and Tim, as he missed.
“I didn’t like anything, fucking werdio,” Jason launched off from the top of the roof, landing on the next nearest ledge. Tim on the other hand, dug around in his back pocket for his Batclaw. He aimed for a pole spanning across the two buildings, launching it to grapple over the gap.
“Maybe not as much as Riddler—“ Robin teased, and Jason was quick to hold a pistol to his back head. “Damn dude, I was kidding.”
“Riddler should be shot down,” Jason muttered. Looking down, Red Hood scanned the small crowds and nearby streets evaluating for suspicious activity.
“Mom would kill you,” Tim chimed in, “Riddler is Selina’s best friend after all.”
“Unfortunately,” Red Hood ground his teeth as he remembered the unfortunate relation he had tied with Edward Nygma. He lowered the pistol from the back of his brothers head, and a sigh escaped the other. It didn’t take long for his breath to catch once more, as he saw Jason staring down at a group of three men in the streets below.
Two wore costumes, one that was red and blue with some web patterns, and the other wearing a red and black costume of some sorts
The third man in this party didn’t sport a mask or costume like the others, instead his face was clear as day. He had olive skin, and slicked back, fluffy dark brown hair. They were all groaning, as they held their heads and the only normal looking one was hurling insults at the other two.
“Where did they come from?” Tim whispered.
“I don’t know,” Jason replied. “It’s like they just appeared out of nowhere.”
“Do you know those guys? Are they even from Gotham? They look like Metropolis folks to me,” Tim tilted his head as he studied the group.
“No idea, but I’m about to find out,” Jason pulled a gun out of his holster as he jumped down from the ledge. Tim groaned as his brother landed on his feet with absolute ease, and he followed behind.
“Surprise, motherfuckers,” Jason raised his voice and the trio looked at the masked man with confusion. “State your names, who are you? Where did you come from?” He held the gun to the seemingly aggressive one of the trio.
Wolverine looked up at the gun being pressed into his forehead, then looking back at Jason. “You think this is gonna work on me?”
“What? You’re a human, it’ll go right through you,” Red Hood growled as he pushed the gun more into his skull.
“Human? What?” Wolverine blinked in absolute confusion. Suddenly, three metal blades touched the other's neck. “Do those look human to ya, bub?”
“Wolverine—“ Peter attempted to interrupt the violence, before the gun fired. It caused the group's ears to ring, Tim particularly bothered by the noise. His teeth grinding, covering his ears.
“What the…” Jason stopped as he lowered the gun. He didn’t find what he expected, a bloody mess with brain matter to season it. No. In fact, quite the opposite. The two men behind Wolverine were still clean, and so was the ground. No blood. The bullet stuck partially out of the man’s forehead, as he reached up and casually pulled the bullet out of his head. The spot where the bullet had passed through the skin then healed in front of their face’s.
“ Adamantium bones, bub,” Logan grinned as his claw sinked a little deeper into his neck.
“What the fuck is adamantium?” Jason squinted his eyes in suspicion. How did he heal so fast?
“Metal alloy, the world's strongest metal. Only other adamantium can break it,” Wolverine explained calmly. He noticed the boy eyeing his arm a little too much.
All of a sudden, Jason grabbed Logan’s arm and with a sudden force of strength snapped the arm into two. The two other men jumped, and the Spider cringed as he wrapped his arm around his boyfriend.
Wolverine howled in pain for a moment, the scene looking grotesque. His arm shouldn’t bend that way, that was for sure. The limb was hanging loosely*, as Wolverine held his head low for a moment before his arm suddenly began to move back into place. The other groaned as he felt his body quickly regenerating, snapping it back into the correct position.. “How the hell did you…?” Tim mumbled, Logan looked up at the other now towering Wolverine.
“I guess your whole adamantium theory was wrong, bub ,” Jason mocked as he bent down to his level. “Now who are you?”
“Uhm!” Peter spoke up nervously as he raised his hand. “That’s Wolverine, he’s an X-Men.”
“A what?” Tim perked his head up in extreme confusion. “An… X-Men?”
“Yeah, mutant protection, mutant rights, blah blah blah,” Wolverine waved his previously broken arm carelessly.
“But those are comic books,” Tim rubbed the back of his neck. He debated calling Bruce and sending them off to Arkham Asylum. They were clearly delusional.
“Comic books? What the hell you talkin’ bout?” Logan asked as he stood up pushing Jason aside.
“You… don’t… never mind,” Spider-man shook his head. “Okay, so I think I know what’s happening here.”
“Your little friend that looks a lot like Hugh Jackman is completely and utterly insane?” Jason waved his gun to Wolverine.
“I mean…” Tim spoke up again, walking a bit closer to the group as he fidgeted with a toy of some sorts on his belt. “The bullet didn’t pass through him. It should’ve passed through him, but it didn’t. And it healed on his own.”
“Could be Simon’s pet,” Jason hissed redirecting his attention to the other three. “Does that name sound familiar, Hugh Jackman?” he taunted.
“Who the fuck is Hugh Jackman?” Wolverine asked, more frustrated than confused.
“He’s an actor, Wolvie! Except he looks like you, like a lot, but with an accent!” Deadpool chimes in with his annoyingly cheery tone.
“Ryan Reynolds?” Tim asked.
“Kinda!” Deadpool winked under his mask and gave Tim finger guns.
“I feel like I’m having a fucking stroke,” Jason held his mask.
“Okay if I could talk ,” Peter growled at the group. “I can explain what exactly happened.”
“Oh- uh- sorry… Spiderman?” Tim smiled nervously.
“Spider-man. It has a hyphen in there!” Peter grumbled from underneath his mask. “Okay, basically, we’re from a different universe.”
“Maybe I need to check into Arkham or something…” Jason shook his head in disapproval. “This is fucking crazy.”
“I know, but hear me out!” Peter pleaded. “My name is Spider-man, I’m from a different universe. This is Wolverine, and this is Deadpool.”
“Wade Wilson! Hiya!” Deadpool waved his gloved hand at the two men.
“…you’re so fucking with me right now,” Red Hood spoke absolutely stunned. “Is this some kind of prank? Did Joker put you to this? I mean I know he’s an asshole, but he wouldn’t go this far.”
“Oh are you talking about Slade?” Wade asked.
“You fucking twat!” Jason yelled and Tim grabbed his arm.
“No - he’s… immortal too, Red Hood,” Tim warned his brother. Jason hissed in defeat, throwing his arm down and glaring at the ground. “Well… fuck! Who can die!?”*
“We aren’t brothers or anything and we don’t work together, I’m just a parody! Right dear reader?” Wade looked towards… seemingly nothing. Office style.
“I’m having more than a stroke,” Jason held his head. “Okay, let me get this straight. You three are from a completely different universe? And you magically ended up here in Gotham?”
“Well… not magically,” Peter rubbed the back of his neck as he shifted his weight from heel to heel. “I had a portal, and we had no idea where it led to. Then my boyfriend pushed me through it.”
“You were curious!” Wade whined.
“Wait, you two are dating?” Tim pointed at Wade and Peter.
“Well… yeah?” Spider-man looked at Tim confused. “Is this not common knowledge? Is it not in our comics?”
“It’s definitely hinted at, but it’s either one sided or brushed off all together. The queer coding in the Spider-man and Deadpool comics are so aggravating I could rip my hair out!” Tim complained as he adjusted his bun.
“Oh that’s super annoying, we are gay man!” Wade let his wrist go slack.
“Okay shut the fuck up!” Jason yelled. The group went quiet. “I think I know someone who can help us.”
“If it’s who I’m thinking of, we’re no longer brothers,” Tim glared at Jason.