Chapter Text
One time, you got so drunk you passed out directly after you closed your door and almost squashed your dog under you.
When you opened your eyes, you weren’t in your apartment anymore. You were under a Gingko tree, listening to someone’s deep voice humming a tune you think you recognized.
“Shut that racket.” you grumbled, regretting your life decisions as a headache started hammering your brain into submission.
Immediately, the humming stopped. Then it said, “My apologies.”
Because you were still half-wasted and half-hungover, you didn’t question where you were or who you were with. You just grunted, turned over and went back to sleep.
You forgot about it as soon as you woke up again, on the floor of your apartment while your dog's butt is pressed to your cheek. The only reason you remember it is because…
Well, you’re not drunk this time.
You’re pretty sure the scent of unfamiliar flowers isn’t cooked up by your brain, no matter how sleep-deprived you are today.
“Ehe~ will a little tune help you slumber today, darling~?”
You’re pretty sure you don’t take drugs but… holy shit, is that Venti from Genshin Impact?
It’s like the most realistic cosplay you’ve ever seen. He is in full Venti get-up, the green bard's outfit and all. His braids even faintly glow, what the hell did he put on them? And the flowers…
Wait, where the hell are you right now?
You looked around and maybe you panicked just a little or maybe you may have cried because… as sad as this sounds, this is probably the first time in months you’ve seen actual grass. And actual flowers. Was it ever this soft to the touch? Nice to smell? Is that what actual sunlight feels like?
“Lean into me, darling. I’ll lull you to sleep.” the Venti cosplayer says, hand tugging your shirt. And you don’t know why but you feel compelled to listen to him, even though you hate touching other people.
So you push the panic and awe aside ( grass. GRASS! I should take a day off work and actually get out of the city to hike or something ) and leaned into him. You opted to just press your head to his shoulder while he plays his lyre but he tuts at you.
“Honestly, [Name], it’s like you never slept on my lap before.” he teases.
With surprising strength, he manhandles you (gently) and you’re suddenly looking up at the sky. And at him. And his lap is super soft, like a girl’s plush thighs.
Teal eyes look down at you with an embarrassing amount of affection. “Just sleep, darling. You need not worry about anything else while I’m here.”
Then he starts strumming. And when he opened his mouth to sing, you instantly fell asleep.
And woke up more refreshed than you ever thought possible.
“Holy shit.” you say, staring at your ceiling. Your dog peers over at you from his little bed and you tell him, “Chopper, I think there’s something wrong with me.”
Your dog sniffs in your direction once before going back to sleep.
___
You tried to experiment with it.
After logging off of work and complaining about back pain, you roll your chair over to the window and stare out. Watching the city lights blink out as the sun rises always manages to make you sleep. Chopper has already been fed and you’ve downed a glass of warm milk so you think you’re ready.
You fell asleep next to your succulents.
And woke up with your heart in your throat.
You are falling. Like, legit falling from a height you think is about 20 stories high. You watch the twinkly night sky with panicked tears in your eyes and think At least I didn’t die from alcohol poisoning in my room like I thought I would .
Something purple flashes before your eyes and a hand grips your shirt, saving your life.
Brilliant purple eyes look at you in wide panic.
“I warned you countless times not to sit on the railing while you’re sleepy.” Raiden Ei scolds.
She hoists you back up and you think she will simply toss you back to the wooden floor. But she doesn’t. Instead, she carries you in her arms in a princess carry and looks down at you with worry.
“Are you okay, my liege?” she whispered.
Ei is outrageously beautiful in person. You still don’t do drugs but you’re starting to think maybe your dog slipped some into your coffee because this woman isn’t supposed to exist.
She’s supposed to be made of pixels. In a game you used to play a year ago.
But here she is, easily carrying you as if you weighed nothing and pursing her lips like she’s holding herself back from giving you a tongue-lashing.
You realize she’s waiting for you to respond. So you do.
“Heart attack.”
Pretty purple eyes blink. “What?”
“I’m having a heart attack.” you tell her politely as your heart fails you.
She understandably panics and starts yelling for someone to come over– so you’re in Tenshukaku then, at the top most balcony where Ei supposedly has her private quarters… what the hell were you doing in the Raiden fucking Shogun’s private qUARTERS????-- but your vision starts to tunnel and before you could enjoy the special treatment, you–
Jerk awake next to your window.
“Boof?”
Your dog is sitting by your feet, confused and worried as your heart pounds, decidedly not having a heart attack unlike the you in your dreams.
Wiping the drool on your chin, you lean down and carefully wrap a hand around Chopper’s snout. “I swear, if you’re actually drugging me, you’ll be my next dinner.”
He barks in fear.
___
Let’s get one thing straight before we move on.
You are a fangirl.
But you are a full-grown adult, with a job, a flourishing career, with countless bills to pay and a car that you drive sometimes whenever your friends ask you to go drink with them.
You rarely leave the apartment because everything you need is at home. When you need to buy something, it is delivered at your front door which makes for convenient yet lazy living.
You think the last time you’ve seen the sun was during that dream where Venti sung you to sleep.
Your dog is trained and can take care of himself (and sometimes you). He can even walks himself, with nary a glance in your direction like he knows what a useless human you are. He always comes back on the dot, too. He’s a good boy.
When you were younger, you watched anime, read manga, manhwa and fanfictions. In your youth, you wrote your own fanfictions too, ranging from romance, to isekai to straight up horror. You never really played games until you were a bored adult and started playing this Genshin game everyone keeps talking about.
Directly after you first saw Diluc in the game, you knew you were fucked.
Here’s another fact about you: you love handsome (fictional) men.
You clearly remember your teen years when you still watched anime because you had all the time in the world. You remember losing your marbles every time Hibari Kyoya made an appearance in both the anime and manga of Katekyo Hitman Reborn. You also remember saving every photo, fanart and screenshot you can find, just so you have something to stare at before going to sleep.
The point here is that… you kinda go overboard when you really like a handsome character.
Playing Genshin had been a mistake. You thought you were only going to play it during down time but you ended up playing it religiously every day. You spent money on it just so you can collect your husbandos (and waifus–you may be straight but you are willing to be un-straight for the mommies goddamn ) and have arguments with people on Twitter about which ship is the best and whose abs are more defined.
(Spoilers, it’s Alhaitham. Hoyoverse loves their little honeypot.)
Every time one of them makes an appearance, you start losing your sanity just screaming and smacking your best friend in excitement. You despaired over how hot Kaeya was, lamented Ayato’s pretty face, giggled uncontrollably at Childe’s psychotic laugh and so on. The list is long enough to challenge your CVS receipt to mortal kombat.
It’s gotten so bad that your best friend had to do a divine intervention .
“Handsome is justice, [Name].” she nods sagely, giving you a pitying look as she uninstalls Genshin from all your devices. “But health is wealth.”
You told her bullshit as tears dramatically run down your face. But you also inevitably knew she was right.
Genshin is just a game. You weren’t a content creator so you can’t make it a job just so you can continue playing it for a valid reason. You were an adult. You had a life you needed to start living. And even if that’s not the case, your fangirling was getting out of hand.
Like… healthwise.
One time you went to a convention and saw the most flawless Baizhu cosplay. When your bestie tells you she had to call an ambulance because you were hyperventilating in excitement on the floor, you believe her.
Because the next day, you woke up in a hospital.
So yeah, no Genshin for you. No anime anymore, either. It was either you stop being an otaku so you stay alive, or you die.
…
Recent developments made you realize the world is intent on murdering you.
A gloved hand cups your cheek as Gingko leaves fall from the tree above you. “Beelzebul informed me of what happened the last time you visited Teyvat. Your health is a main concern for all of us. Don’t hesitate to tell anyone you are hurting, please. It physically pains me to know you could be suffering.”
Zhongli is ten times more handsome in person.
His golden eyes flicker in worry. “Your temperature is rising. Have you been out drinking in your world again?”
You suppose the mystery as to who hummed for you while you were wasted last time is now answered.
There’s a pained gasp coming from somewhere and you only realized it came from you when Zhongli’s beautiful eyes widened in horror.
The last thing you see before you pass out with a pinched pain in your chest was the Geo Archon’s panic-filled expression.
Death by handsomeness. Not a bad way to go, to be honest.