Chapter Text
Inspiration:
A The Ocean Kissed The Moon twitter thread of angst!
@sarabee092
Ok fine let me share my piece. (Context is that Stede is finishing up his toast at the wedding):
Stede is barely holding it together at this point.
“When the two of you got together, I knew this was something different. Something serious.
You’ve had your ups and downs (but who among us hasn’t) but that’s just made you stronger. I know they say true love doesn’t exist but the way I see, you bring out the best in each other, are there for each other when times get hard, and love each other unconditionally.
And well, I think that’s as close to true love as you might find.”
Stede chokes back tears.
“So join me in raising a glass to Ed and Charlie. Here’s to many years of laughter, happiness, and love.”
Stede finally makes eye contact with Ed and can’t stop the tears from rolling down his face. Ed stares back, eyes shining with unshed tears. He’s quickly distracted by Charles pulling him in for a kiss as the rest of the guests cheer. Charles and Ed stand up and move to hug Stede.
“I’ll always be your wingman Maverick. I love you brother.” Charles says. Stede lets out a watery laugh.
Ed then moves in, pulling Stede close. Stede feels like he might collapse on the spot, swallowed up by the pit that threatens to consume his entire being.
Ed whispers in his ear, “I’ll always love you, angel.”
@radicallysoft:
Once his speech is over Stede cheers to the happy couple and goes back to sit.
He doesn’t want to look ungrateful so he counts to 77 before he stands up and exits the room to have a breath of fresh air.
He holds it together for the remainder of the night, watching the love of his life beaming at another man.
He holds it together the next day, when he hears the notification from the flight tracker app announcing that the honeymoon flight has departed.
He can see them every time he blinks, snuggling close on the plush first class seats, Ed breathing in Charles perfume, nose brushing his neck before nipping at his skin with heat, and love, and happiness in his eyes, content and blissful.
He holds himself together when he sees the shocked faces of his coworkers when he tells them that he’ll be taking a sabbatical with immediate effect
His own voice sounds off, it feels like someone else is speaking for him, he doesn’t recognise his voice but the words are out, he-can feel them forming and moving on his tongue, dry and hollow.
He can’t even taste him in his dreams anymore.
He can’t remember.
He doesn’t want to.
He says goodbye to Mary, Doug and the children before heading to the airport.
“When will you be back?” she asks, sadness veiling her eyes.
She knows.
No, she doesn’t.
“Will you be back?”
Somehow she knows..
“I’ll call you when i land” he says with a hollow smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.
“Stede..” a heartbroken whisper leaves her lips and he almost shatters with it
“I promise I’ll call you” he whispers back before the taxi leave, before his voice has a chance to break too.
He holds it together when he boards the flight, sitting on his window seat.
He has books he could read, movies he could watch but all he can do is just staring out the window, watching the world go by in front of his eyes.
Ed is probably having dinner with his husband in some nice restaurant in Bali, or maybe they ordered room service.
The hours on a flight go by so slow yet so fast when you’re walking on a fine line of memories and torments.
He’s been on this flight for 3 hours and his eyes are staring at the black void outside his window, sunset colours long gone.
They’re probably making love right now, hungry lips on tattooed skin, fingers through soft mercury curls, dark starlit eyes and choked up sighs.
Stede wishes the void could swallow him whole.
He holds himself together when he lands and through immigration.
He holds himself together while checking in his hotel in St. Augustine, the sound of the ocean coming through the open window to the balcony.
He holds himself together when he calls Mary from his new number
“Are you having fun?”
“Yes”
Liar.
“Stede” she begs.
She knows.
I can’t do this right now.
-I love you.-
-I’m sorry.-
“Mary” he begs back
I can’t do this.
Please, not now.
“I’m sorry this happened to you” she whispers in his ear.
Stede hangs up.
He can’t hold himself together anymore.
Then she continues:
But what if stede meets sam while on his sabbatical, travelling south america with him and connecting through shared experiences.. after few weeks sam needs to go back but HE stays.
Sam stays.
@waititicoded continues:
It’s the first time anyone’s stuck by Stede, picked him before anything else. He has a hard time reckoning with this: Sam has stuff back home to lose after all. But he still stayed, he still picked Stede. Maybe he could love Sam. Maybe he *deserved* to love and be loved in kind.
@radicallysoft replies:
Stede hasn’t touched his phone 4 and a half months, not since he boarded that flight.
The only people he calls are Mary and Lucius.
Mary talks about the kids and Doug.
She knows.
She doesn’t talk about it.
Sam knows too, they don’t talk about it.
Stede doesn’t talk about him.
@waititicoded continues:
What is there to say? They fooled around (Stede doesn’t think of it as “making love” anymore; it hurts too much, the “love” having been one-sided), but it meant nothing, he was off-limits. Yes, it was better to be off the radar, untouched by remnants of *him* .
@radicallysoft: Ed POV.
His honeymoon was.. good, but coming back home after was better.
Ed can’t wait to see his friends and coworkers after 3 weeks.. he can’t wait to see Stede.
“i’ll always love you angel”
Ed hasn’t been fair to him.
It takes him a few seconds to realise Stede’s office is empty.
@tightenupmate continues:
(ok shit i’m sorry)
Lucius is behind him when he turns. “Where’s Stede?”
“Gone,” Lucius says, tongue in his cheek.
“What do you mean ‘gone’?”
“He went totally off the grid after you two left. Mary says he’s traveling around South America on the back of some hottie’s bike.”
Ed holds it together as he runs his finger through the inch-thick dust on Stede’s bookshelf.
He holds it together when he sits in Stede’s chair, presses his nose into the leather, and makes himself dizzy trying to find Stede’s smell.
Ed holds it together as he flips off the light and slips his hands in his pockets. Holds it together as he tells Lucius goodnight. Almost loses it when he sees the wrinkle in Lucius’s brow.
“Night, Ed. Welcome home.”
Ed’s literally holding himself together as he makes his way into the parking garage, arms tight around his middle, breath stumbling over the bolder that’s lodged itself in his throat and chest.
He’s gone. Ed’s not been fair to either of them, and now Stede’s gone.
He manages to hold himself together until he unlocks the car, climbs into his seat, starts the engine. But when the radio cuts on, he’s powerless against the crush of sorrow that tears the cry from his throat:
“Sugar...oh, honey honey...you are my candy girl...”
@metavenhorst continues with a Sam POV:
TOKTM 🧵: Stede’s staring out the window again. He does that a lot, when the conversation wanes between them. When the already dim sparkle in his eye fades completely, when he forgets to school his expression into one that isn’t lined with dull, aching misery.
Sam would never admit it out loud, but it was part of what had drawn him to Stede in the first place. Not the melancholy, god no, he’s not a monster—but that someone so radiant, so kind, so WARM was also capable of holding so much sadness.
How could one person hold so much?
Sam knew. He knew the moment he met Stede, when he’d skidded to a halt on his rented motorbike to ask for directions and a golden-haired angel of a man had turned back with a smile so sad and said he’d be no help to him—he was just as lost as Sam was.He knew this could be something real. From him at least, if not from Stede.
Maybe it was enough. At least for now. Maybe Sam could have enough love for the both of them.
“So let’s be lost together, ey?” Sam suggested with a grin. “What’s your name?”
“Stede.”
Sam patted the back of his motorbike. “Hop on, Stede. Let’s have an adventure.”
And he did. And they had.
They traveled for weeks, talking, dancing, laughing together. He could see the sunshine in him, streaming through his broken places. And there were so many broken places.
Sam didn’t know what, specifically, compelled him to stay when he knew it was time for them to part ways. He just knew that whatever this was with Stede wasn’t finished yet. And he’d be damned if he didn’t try to see it through.
They’d holed up in a long term rental outside of Cuzco. It was beautiful there—the views were unmatched, the town a close walk. Lots to do and see hand in hand with Stede.
They cooked together in the evenings, with whatever they found in the market, hands brushing, eyes fond.
When Stede was looking at him—REALLY looking at him—Sam could almost convince himself Stede felt it too. When he smiled at him, when he cracked a joke, when he pulled him in for a kiss that left him breathless—it was almost perfect.
But inevitably, Stede would look away again. Out the window, into the middle distance, even down at his own hands. And Sam would watch it happen in real time. Watch him forget he was happy with Sam, watch the misery well up in his face once more.He’d watch and know whatever they had wasn’t real. Not from Stede. Not now, and maybe not ever.
But he had enough love for the both of them. And he wasn’t ready to see how things would end yet.
He wasn’t ready to hurt like Stede hurt.