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Cyrus Forester isn't one to reminisce much. He says what he says, does what he does, and then he marches forward and doesn't look back. But some days… Well, some days he feels the need to think about the past. And recently, one recurring theme has been on his mind.
"I don't fall in love."
"I will never love you."
"I can't fall in love with you."
All things he said to Lynn before they started dating, when he proposed, and even after they got married. They were true, of course, because Cy tries to be honest with Lynn as much as possible. He thought they were true.
Evidently, an interrogation at the local precinct, a trip to the ER because he choked out his wife, and other adventures later, and Cy feels like he might’ve made a slight miscalculation. Scandalous, for a man of science like him.
Frankly, he feels a bit embarrassed to be in love with his wife all of a sudden. He thought he was above that. Above caring. Though to be honest, he still doesn't care about other people's feelings. They could all die, for all he cares. But Lynn… Lynn's become a bit of a soft spot for him. He figures after over 20 years of being in a relationship, 16 of which were spent married to each other, he's earned the right to be a bit sentimental. Jesus, 20 years… that's almost half of his life. And if he manages not to kill her, it might last for the rest of their lives. How crazy is that?
Cy thinks about all the times it could've failed.
When they met, and he upset her by asking about her scars.
When he told her he felt like women were more like children than equals to him.
When he told her he clearly didn't love her, as if it was obvious. They'd been dating for 2 years at the time.
When he raped her for the first time. She was miserable for a week before she fully reframed the event in her mind and decided she could put up with it.
When he proposed, and he warned her it was only gonna get worse.
When she said yes.
When he cheated on her and told her for the first time. This time, it was 3 weeks she spent feeling miserable. Eventually she gave up on feeling bad about that too- there was nothing she could do to stop him.
When he hit her so hard she got a concussion. For a moment, he thought she was going to rat him out, but she lied through her teeth to the nurse at the ER.
When he fucked a 14 year old girl and she found out- that was his first concession to her, no girls under 15. What a shame. But a man can wait one more year.
When he made her come to a testimony of one of his past rape victims.
When he made her complicit in letting him get away with harassing a particularly skittish student.
When he made her get her clit surgically removed in a fit of casual cruelty. She cried so hard about it. Took her a year to learn how to live with it.
And then- yeah, he had genuinely been afraid of losing her when he choked her out and had to bring her back to life. He wasn't sure how well she would take it given how bad he'd felt about it, for once. But no, the promise to be gentler was enough for her to forgive him and ask to renew their vows once she was discharged from the hospital.
"She must be crazy." Cy tries to justify to himself. But that can't be right. Lynn's the smartest person he knows, besides himself of course.
Her trauma, maybe? But Cy's met his fair share of traumatized girls and women, and Lynn is nothing like them. She's above it all.
For someone who used to take so much pleasure in traumatizing others, he feels a tinge of pride knowing he doesn't really trigger Lynn with his actions. If he makes her upset sometimes? Absolutely. But actively traumatized? No. If anything, whenever he finds her shaking in their bed because she's had a bad day, he doesn't really want to twist the knife in her wound- he'd feel as if he was attributing another artist's work to himself.
Lynn doesn't like talking about her trauma, but from the context clues Cy's amassed over the years, it seems she hates being made to feel like an idiot more than anything else. Bullying gets to her too- she gets upset when people who don't know her well enough comment on her scars, her height or her breasts. And as much of a misogynist as Lynn always tells him he is, Cy's never really been one to judge people's appearances beyond whether he finds them fuckable or not. Maybe that's why she tolerates his brand of objectification.
Cy doesn't feel very strongly about Lynn's scars- he thinks they add some flair to her face, some drama, but they don't seem ugly or pretty to him. They're just part of his wife's face. But the rest of her body? Whoo, boy. He has some things to say about it.
He loves how gentle her hands look, how soft her skin is. He loves her long, silky, weighty hair, and the way it turns just a little wavy when a storm is coming. He loves her height, how distinguished she looks when she stands up straight. He loves the way her breasts hang on her torso, their shape, how nice they feel in his mouth. He loves her hips- so satisfying to grab, so hypnotizing as they sway. Her thighs and ass- a delight to whip and to bite. And her cunt- well, his mind has changed a bit about it, over time.
He used to ask her to shave whenever he got her to dress up, not only because he loved the smooth look and what it represented to him, but also because she got really mad when she inevitably realized he was trying to make her look like a teenager. That was fun every single time, no exception. God, Cy really does think Lynn would be so fucking hot as a teenager, it really is a shame they're the same age, but at least he knows he made a good investment since she's aging so wonderfully.
He doesn't mind the pubic hair that much after all, at least not on her. Hers is fuzzy and there's something cute about the fact they both have similar-looking happy trails.
Ah, crap, he got carried away again- love. Love is what he's trying to decipher, here. Why does he love her.
She's full of herself, but Cy feels like it's warranted. She's one of the rare people to see through his bullshit, after all. He also likes that he can be honest with her. He's not very emotional but it does feel surprisingly nice whenever he says something that would surely make the whole city ostracize him if they heard it, and Lynn's only reaction is "ew" before she ruffles his hair and goes back to reading her books. She treats his arrogance, his cruelty, his passion for teenage girls and his violent urges not as red flags but as parts of his personality, as if they were on the same level as his love for planes, physics and boxing. He's never longed for acceptance, but it's kind of what Lynn has given him anyway. Almost unconditionally. Almost, because she's not a mindless yes-woman either, she's always ready to talk back to him when she's not happy with him, which happens quite often.
As for her personality… Well, she's prideful, passionate, patient, strict yet easy-going at the same time, she shares his sense of humor and she's got sadistic tendencies she prays no one will ever notice. She's perfect.
Maybe there are good reasons Cy's in love with her after all. Extenuating circumstances, if you will. Maybe it's not a sign of weakness, and it simply means he really has found a kindred spirit, a soulmate of some sort. As corny as that sounds.
"Oh, so you're awake."
Cy turns his head.
It's Lynn, apparently just back from grocery shopping, looking at the bags she's carrying.
"What?"
"I walked in and you were just… staring into the distance in silence. For a moment I thought you were sleeping with your eyes open, but then you blinked."
Cy chuckles.
"I'm awake, I'm awake." he assures her, then he stands up to help her with the bags she's carrying.
They're almost done unpacking when Cy stops all of a sudden.
"What's up?" Lynn asks.
"I was wondering- why do you love me?" Cy asks in turn.
Lynn shrugs.
"I don't know- because you get me, you're honest with me and you could kill me with your bare hands if you wanted?" she muses. "Why? Why do you love me, hm?"
Cy laughs again.
"For the very same reasons as you." he says before he goes back to unpacking.