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Chapter Text

Rain poured down heavily. After each pass of the windscreen wipers, the visibility was already reduced next to nothing. 

Jacaerys slammed the gas pedal again and the result was no different than the other hundred times he had tried. The road was flooded and muddy. He knew he shouldn't have taken the sketchy shortcut when the weather was like this, but he had been too impatient to get back home after dropping Lucerys at the university. 

It was across the country. The drive took several hours and now he was stuck in the middle of nowhere. Jacaerys sighed and reached for his phone. No signal, no internet, no nothing. 

"Fuck me", he cursed between his teeth as he leaned back in the seat.

He threw on his coat and left the car. The weather greeted him with a torrent that left him soaked in a matter of seconds. Jacaerys held his phone below the stretched hood of his coat and walked around the car, trying to find a signal. 

Nothing.

Nobody would drive by any time soon, Jacaerys could guess that would be just his luck. He hadn't seen a single car on the narrow dirt road on his way. He'd be stuck in the mud for quite some time if he sat still waiting.

Jacaerys locked the doors and started walking back. A while ago, he had seen at least one house on a hill not too far from the road. He could only hope someone lived there or he'd find a signal on the way.

As he walked, he checked his phone every couple of minutes or so. Water and mud squelched in his shoes, his socks soaked right through. He grunted in disgust. The shoes were new, too. 

Jacaerys must have walked nearly three miles before he saw the hill again. It was covered by thick vegetation, but a small path led up to the house. It was just large enough to fit a car. There were recent tire tracks in the soft soil. No signal, still, but maybe the people living there would take pity on a lost city boy like him. 

It was hard to tell how old the house was - the paint was dark, the porch was separated and there were at least two floors. Possibly an attic, too. It reminded Jacaerys of one of those hunting cottages with thick timber walls. Maybe it was used for that purpose, exactly. 

A truck was parked on the side. The owners were home. 

Jacaerys climbed the steps to the porch and knocked on the door. He could see the curtains of the nearest window move, but couldn't distinguish anything other than a shadow in all the rain and darkness. 

Fuck, he hoped he wasn't disturbing anyone. Jacaerys knocked again and the door opened.

"What do you want?"

Before him stood a dark-haired, bearded man. A bit taller than Jacaerys, he could tell, and the man had plenty more shoulder. His voice was rough, although Jacaerys wanted to believe he wasn't entirely irritated by a guest. He sounded tired.

"I'm so sorry to bother you, sir. My car got stuck in the mud and I couldn't get a signal to call for help. This is the first house I could find" 

Jacaerys tried to be as polite as he knew how. He could see the man's cold expression soften and so did his voice, much to Jacaerys' relief.

"Bad weather to be driving around here. Come in, no need to stand in the rain"

"Thank you"

Jacaerys was let inside and the man pulled the door shut behind him. The house was made homely with very ordinary-looking furniture and the walls were covered with hunting trophies - horns and pelts. Maybe it wasn't Jacaerys' personal style, but it was nice and warm. He shivered when his cold fingertips caught a hint of the warmth. 

"Let me bring you something to dry yourself with. You can hang your wet clothes by the fire", the man said and gestured deeper into the house.

The living room had a huge, lit fireplace. It was old - the brick and stone were blackened. 

"I'll do that, thank you", Jacaerys replied and walked over to the fire. 

He took off his shoes and his coat. The sweater below was slightly damp, but the thin undershirt he used to layer was dry. He could manage with that. It just felt good to be out of the soaked clothes. His socks looked nasty. 

He was brought a towel and a fleece. 

"What do you go by?" the man asked him.

"Jacaerys, my family and friends call me Jace"

"Cregan"

He was offered a warm hand to shake. Cregan had a firm grip and his nod was strained, but polite. Something in his demeanor made Jacaerys think he was a military guy. Reminded him of his stepfather Daemon's friends. 

Jacaerys dried his hair in the towel. It curled tightly as a result. With no mirror in hand, he could only hope it looked presentable. 

"You're not from around here, are you?" Cregan asked as he sat in the armchair beside the fire.

"No. My brother moved across the country to study so I was basically his driver. I was driving back home when the storm started"

Cregan nodded understandingly. 

"A little brother?" he asked.

"Yeah. I have four brothers, actually"

"And you are the oldest?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

Cregan shrugged with a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. His beard was recently trimmed. He didn't look too bad, Jacaerys noted. Quite handsome. 

"That sort of favors are usually left to the oldest", Cregan said jokingly, his grey eyes gleaming. 

Jacaerys had to admit it was a bit true.

"Yeah, well, I'm happy to help them. My mom gets a little crazy sometimes"

"You're wealthy people", Cregan remarked and nodded toward Jacaerys' coat and shoes.

"Family company"

"Do you work there with your parents?"

"Yeah, I do- well, with my mom and my stepfather. My father passed away a few years ago"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be so nosy", Cregan apologized. 

Jacaerys found Cregan sensible for someone who lived in the middle of a forest far away from civilization. On his drive, he had seen a small convenience store several miles back. The closest town was an hour away if he remembered correctly.


"It's okay", Jacaerys brushed it off.

"The coffee should be ready. Do you want a cup? Would get you warm"

"Yes, please, that'd be nice"

Jacaerys wasn't very thirsty, but he could use a hot drink to warm his insides. The fire was doing work drying his clothes and his hair. 

Cregan stood up and walked around the corner into the next room, which Jacaerys presumed was the kitchen. He could see a staircase on the other side. The house wasn't very large. Must've been very comfortable, regardless. 

"Do you take milk or sugar?" he heard Cregan ask from the kitchen.

"Both, please"

He was soon brought a coffee mug. Cregan placed it on the stone edge by the fire so Jacaerys could grab it easily without burning his fingers. His host was very thoughtful.

"Thank you", Jacaerys said. 

"No problem"

"Do you live here alone?" he wondered as Cregan sat back in his chair. 

"I do"

Maybe that was why Cregan seemed a little grumpy. Didn't get much company. Jacaerys looked around the room. He couldn't even imagine living there, so far from everything, all alone in a hunting cottage. 

"It's nice and quiet", Cregan remarked as if able to read Jacaerys' thoughts - he did have an expressive face.

"I'm sure, you get to value your privacy"

It was just a wild guess. Jacaerys couldn't figure out why anyone would choose this. Cregan must have worked in the countryside. 

"There's that", Cregan admitted. 

"Doesn't it get lonely?"

"It does sometimes, but big cities are just not for me"

"You could pick a small town", Jacaerys tried to joke about it, testing the ice.

"I prefer this"

He just had to respect it. People were different. Jacaerys took a sip of the coffee. Even with the milk and sugar, it was bitter, not too tasty to drink. He took out his phone and was disappointed to see there was still no signal.

"Don't worry about calling someone to tow your car. I'll help you with that when the weather clears", Cregan said.

Jacaerys wasn't sure how many favors he could accept from a stranger. 

"You've already been so nice-", he tried to decline. 

"I insist. You said it wasn't too far, right?"

"About three miles south"

"Then it's no problem"

Jacaerys thought himself lucky the road had been bad near Cregan's house and not even further in the middle of nowhere. There'd be no one to help him. No one so nice, at least. 

"The broadcast wasn't too promising, though. The storm might last until morning", Cregan continued. "You're welcome to spend the night on the couch"

Looking at the couch, it didn't feel so inviting. Jacaerys concealed his frown when he realized he didn't have too many options. He couldn't call anybody else, he could only wait for the storm to subside while staying at Cregan's for shelter. In the morning, he could walk further with his phone, if necessary.

Where he came from, strangers weren't usually this helpful. 

"I must pay you-", Jacaerys insisted.

"Nonsense. Just pretend you like my cooking and we're settled", Cregan chuckled.

His host would cook for him, too. Fuck. Jacaerys decided he liked Cregan a lot. Made something warm and fluffy flutter in his belly.

As the hours passed, Jacaerys managed to completely dry himself. His socks were still wet so he walked around barefoot, checking out Cregan's place more in detail while his host was preparing the food in the kitchen. 

Cregan didn't have all too many personal belongings. There were a couple of photographs on the drawer tucked away in the corner. One of them was a picture of a boy with a taller man. They looked very similar. Cregan's little brother, maybe - dark hair, a lean build, and his smile was wide and happy. 

It'd be no wonder the oldest sibling syndrome was so easy to recognize. 

Jacaerys walked into the kitchen. The appliances were old - very traditional, and the dining table would seat four people at most. 

Cregan set him a plate and left a pot of stew on the table. His host seemed very healthy about his diet - there was only dark bread available and a green salad on the side. 

"Do you have family?" Jacaerys asked as he sat down.

"None living", Cregan replied.

"Oh"

Fuck, that wasn't it. 

"I'm sorry", he corrected.

Cregan was quiet as he set out the glasses and poured both of them some kind of orange juice. Jacaerys tried looking for clues in his expression. Wanted to make sure he hadn't offended his host.

"I had a brother. Our parents passed away when we were young, so naturally I took care of him", Cregan explained with a low, strained voice.

It pained him deeply, it seemed. Jacaerys frowned and listened.

"He got sick a few years back. Leukemia. The doctors showed us all the statistics, how treatable and likely it was for him to recover, and live a normal life"

Jacaerys could hear bitterness dark in Cregan's tone.

"But he died anyway"

"I'm sorry, Cregan"

"Yeah, well..."

Jacaerys couldn't imagine losing a brother. He'd go insane, and he, too, would leave civilization, and move into an old hunting cottage in the woods to have some time to grieve. It wasn't such a mystery now why Cregan lived the way he did. 

"He'd be about your age now", Cregan remarked. "Looked a little like you too"

Jacaerys readjusted. Didn't know how to feel about that.

Later in the evening, Cregan made the couch for him. He folded sheets over it and left Jacaerys with a pillow and a blanket. There was no guest room in the house, he gathered. It was okay. It was just for one night. 

Jacaerys crawled underneath the blanket. The couch was hard and uncomfortable, definitely made for sitting rather than sleeping. 

The house went quiet after a few creaks from the staircase. 

Jacaerys woke up after midnight to shivers from the cold. He squinted and looked at the clock on the wall. It was 1 in the morning, he had slept for a couple of hours.

The fireplace had gone out - not even an ember was left. Jacaerys pulled the blanket closer to trap warmth, but it was no use. With the blanket over his shoulders, he looked around the room for more wood for the fireplace. He supposed they wouldn't be kept inside.

It was still raining heavily. The drops rammed against the roof. 

Fuck.

Jacaerys approached the staircase. It was pitch black up there, anything could lurk in the darkness. He climbed the steps carefully. He found a light switch and the hallway upstairs turned bright. At the end, waited a closed door. Presumably the bedroom. Jacaerys knocked on the door hesitantly. 

Great. He was stuck in a strange man's house in the middle of nowhere and way too cold to sleep.

Cregan was quick to open it. Maybe he hadn't gone to bed yet. 

"Everything okay?" he asked.

"Uhh, sorry, the fire's out. It's a little cold. My clothes are still drying..."

Jacaerys was sure he saw Cregan's eyes brighten in amusement. Surprised he didn't laugh at him.

"Would you like to sleep here instead?"

Jacaerys swallowed hard. That was a lot. 

"I... uhh", he trailed.

"You're blushing, Jace"

Fuck, was he? Jacaerys looked down at the floorboards, hoping they'd swallow him. He could feel the warmth on his cheeks. 

"Come on then", Cregan encouraged and stepped aside from the doorway.

Only a small night lamp was lit on the bedside table. It was a simple room, but the bed was large enough to fit two. Easily. Jacaerys looked at the window, marking it as his escape route if necessary.

He felt so naive. He remembered his mantra - stuck in a strange man's house, no phone, no car, fed food that was likely poisoned, offered juice that was likely spiked, and now he'd sleep in the same bed with Cregan. If he got murdered and cut into pieces, it'd be his own fault. His family would never find out what happened.

"Alright", Jacaerys agreed.

Without any self-preservation, he climbed into Cregan's bed.

Jacaerys should've known something was wrong in his head when the sheets felt warm and cozy, and Cregan's presence only made him more comfortable. 

He was spared another pillow and he used the blanket he had brought with him from downstairs. Cregan switched off the light and they went to sleep. 

Another hour passed before Jacaerys woke up again to scratching from outside. He jumped up to sit. 

Cregan moved beside him.

"Still can't sleep?" he muttered.

"I heard something", Jacaerys replied. 

"It's just the wildlife"

Made sense. Jacaerys wondered what would be native to these parts - wolves, bears, maybe something even worse.

"You're a little jumpy, aren't you?" Cregan teased him.

"No", Jacaerys said adamantly.

Cregan chuckled, voice still weary.

"What?"

"Nothing. Just funny seeing you crack. You seem so stern"

Jacaerys found that ironic. It was exactly how he viewed Cregan, too. He lay back down on the bed just to feel warm hands wrap around his waist. His heart began to pound wildly. That's it - this is where he'd get raped and murdered.

The tension of his shoulder was being gently rubbed. 

Jacaerys swallowed uselessly as if the lump in his throat would go down so easily.

He'd always been a bit of a stalker when it came to men he liked - staring from afar, studying their behavior with devotion. They had never developed into anything. Jacaerys told himself it was because he was busy, had to look after his family, had to work harder to make his close circle proud of him, but when Cregan pulled Jacaerys under the same blanket, he realized the issue was somewhere else entirely.

It felt nice.

"Too much for you?" Cregan asked. 

Jacaerys realized his eyes had fallen shut. 

"No", he replied. 

Jacaerys could feel a hot breath on his neck. Cregan buried his face in Jacaerys' curls, hand caressing his hip. He was gentle about it - feeling him up patiently.

Cregan was into him. 

"I should let you sleep", a soft voice murmured in his ear.

"No", Jacaerys said again. "I'm not that tired anymore"

The hand on his waist moved down to his groin and palmed his stiffening cock through his pants. Jacaerys' hips jerked in surprise. He hadn't even realized he was hard. Felt so ordinary. 

"I see", Cregan remarked.

Warm lips pressed on his nape. They were slow and silent. Jacaerys shivered in sheer excitement when Cregan's hand pushed down his pants. They were left around Jacaerys' knees until he kicked himself free. 

"Do you usually rescue people from the wilderness and fondle them in your bed?" Jacaerys asked carefully.

"Just the pretty ones", Cregan replied dryly.

Jacaerys had never been called pretty before. He was rarely complimented. He was usually just there, picking up his siblings from their horrid dates and watching them be too touchy in public. 

It made his blood rush and his heart pound.

"Let's see just how pretty", Cregan continued and his fingers pulled down the waistband of Jacaerys' boxers.

The blush grew bolder and brighter. Jacaerys felt a firm hand grab his ass and knead it. As if trying how he felt like. The hand fell to cup his balls, too. His body tensed.

"I've never been with a guy", Jacaerys was quick to say.

"In any way?"

Jacaerys shook his head. Cregan hummed by his ear.

"Do you want to try? We can go about it however you'd like to"

Jacaerys didn't know why, but he had assumed Cregan would just stick it in without compromising with him the way he did. It just made him want Cregan inside him more. 

He clearly couldn't bring himself to answer quickly enough when Cregan began pressing kisses below his jaw. They were warm and soft, tingling underneath the skin. In no hurry to get the answer he wanted, Cregan sucked onto Jacaerys' neck.

"Fuck", Jacaerys sighed and raised his hand to the back of Cregan's head.

He raked his fingers through Cregan's hair before pulling carefully, just to try. In return, the teeth nibbled his neck and made him moan. 

Cregan moved up and caught Jacaerys' mouth in an eager kiss, stealing his gasp right where it emerged. Jacaerys made himself easy prey and let his lips fall open for the tongue that gently probed his own. 

Jacaerys nudged Cregan's shirt up. They separated from the kiss just for a moment for Cregan to pull it off. Jacaerys brought a hand to Cregan's chest and followed his form down to his belly. He felt firm, so much bigger than Jacaerys. 

Their kiss turned messy and wet. Jacaerys tasted only the warmth, his heart fluttering. It felt better to be wanted than he had presumed. To everyone else, he was a constant, but Cregan chased him, pressing him down on the bed. 

"I think I'd want to bottom", Jacaerys whispered.

"That can be arranged", Cregan agreed.

Shivers traversed across Jacaerys' spine when Cregan grabbed him gently by the ass. A thumb pressed against his opening. Didn't push in, just massaged and teased him. Jacaerys kicked the mattress, chewing his lip. Cregan didn't keep him waiting for too long. 

"Let me get the lube", Cregan said before kissing Jacaerys' shoulder and getting up from the bed.

Cregan switched on the lamp by the bedside table. It was dim but bright enough to cast shadows on the dark walls of the bedroom. Jacaerys watched as Cregan stepped out of his pants and boxers. 

It wasn't exactly a show, but Jacaerys liked to think so. 

Cregan's cock was fully erect as he took out something from the drawer. Some part of Jacaerys' brain indulged in the fact that he had made Cregan so hard. Jacaerys hoped his cheeks weren't bright red. 

"Lay down, you can put a pillow underneath", Cregan instructed him.

Jacaerys placed a pillow under his hips and lay down on the bed. It felt comfortable enough. 

Cregan settled between his thighs. Jacaerys decided he quite liked the look of him there. 

The lube popped open and Cregan coated his fingers. It was cold and soothing as Cregan rubbed some on Jacaerys' opening before, ever so slowly, pressing in a single digit. It was just mildly uncomfortable - a strange sensation.

Jacaerys was too hesitant to readjust the pillow. He kept his legs open and let Cregan roll his finger around his rim. 

"You need to tell me how it feels, okay?" Cregan said. 

Jacaerys nodded quickly.

"It feels alright", he replied. 

The first times weren't supposed to be incredible, Jacaerys had implemented that in his mind. Maybe that was why he had never really wanted to try. It was easy with a stranger. But Cregan was gentle about it - patient and kind. Jacaerys stared at him wide-eyed.

Cregan was too fixed on playing with Jacaerys' hole to notice his look. Another finger pressed inside him - stretched a lot more, and left Jacaerys moaning. It sounded lewd in his ear, long and pleasured.

He could feel how Cregan's fingers sank in to the knuckle.  

"That feels nice", Jacaerys admitted and pressed his lips tightly together so the moans wouldn't spill out. 

Cregan smirked.

"Good", he said softly.

Warmth pooled in Jacaerys' body. He grew sensitive and his legs became shaky. There was little use trying to control his groans when Cregan's fingers probed him wonderfully. Like something electric had gone through him. His cock was rock hard, his belly taut. 

Jacaerys had thought he knew what pleasure was like. That was slowly proving to be untrue. He rested his head on the bed when Cregan kept working his rim loose. It soothed him, let him wander in a haze. 

Cregan withdrew his fingers and opened the lube again to stroke some all over the length of his cock. Jacaerys raised his head to look between his legs. Something inside him twisted when he thought about how his body would ache to fit in the fat cockhead.

"Don't worry, I'll be careful", Cregan said playfully as if he knew what Jacaerys was worried about.

And he was careful, Jacaerys realized. Cregan began to press in slowly, one hand aligning his cock and another braced on Jacaerys' thigh. 

The mild pressure grew into pain and Jacaerys whimpered. He grabbed Cregan's hip to make him pause. It frustrated Jacaerys that it hurt - that it felt like he couldn't do it. 

Cregan shushed him and leaned in to kiss him. It was comforting, knowing his partner was in no hurry. 

"If you want to stop, tell me", Cregan reminded him, a mere whisper against Jacaerys' lips.

"I'm good", Jacaerys tried to nod. 

"I promise it'll feel nice again"

Jacaerys didn't think Cregan was a liar. He closed his eyes and lay his head back down when Cregan lifted his hips again - slowly pressing his cock deeper inch by inch. At times, the pressure vanished completely. Jacaerys had time to catch his breath and ease into it.


"You feel so perfect already, Jace", he heard Cregan murmur. 

The soft thrusts became more demanding. Jacaerys moaned when Cregan bottomed out, hips shuddering from the relief. They were both still for a moment. Jacaerys could feel his body adjusting around the size of Cregan's cock, his muscles clenching. He ached, but at the same time, the warmth in his belly was molten. 

Cregan kissed Jacaerys' knee and ankle before he thrust. 

"Ah- fuck", Jacaerys cursed. 

He was filled to the brim, seams burning. He heard Cregan groan as his hips rolled. 

There was a tenderness on Cregan's face Jacaerys hadn't noticed before. His lids were hooded and his lips were parted - he enjoyed each second he spent inside of Jacaerys. 

As the pace picked up and whatever was left of the ache faded entirely, Jacaerys was left moaning and whimpering. He felt a strong hand on his hip holding him still and another wrapping around his cock. Some leftover lube made it slick.

 
There was already a streak of precum on his belly. Each thrust made him twitch. 

Cregan stroked him, thumb rubbing right below the head. Jacaerys resisted turning entirely limp. His body wanted to. Wanted to surrender and be fucked by Cregan for the rest of the night. His thighs were shaking uncontrollably. 

"Look at you, what I wouldn't do to make you stay", Cregan murmured.

He'd quite like to. Cregan slammed his hips down and Jacaerys threw his head back. Bliss left no sight in his eyes. 

Jacaerys came all over himself in long white streaks. His breath hitched and cut his moan into a sob. The way his hole clenched drove Cregan to crash over him and fuck into him madly. The thrusts were sharp and rough, fingers raked through Jacaerys' hair and teeth marked his neck.

It reduced him sore and too dumbed down by pleasure to do or say anything. Jacaerys could feel Cregan's hips stutter before his hole filled with warm cum. Cregan grunted above him as he pulled out, voice dark and husky. 

"Fuck", Cregan muttered. "Lucky me you got cold downstairs"

Jacaerys was exhausted and spent, and he still managed to smile.

"I found you to keep me nice and warm", he said playfully in return.

"I'll get right on that"

Cregan lay down beside him and wrapped his arms around Jacaerys. 

He knew he should ask for a shower, but Jacaerys was too tired to even form another sentence. He rested his head on Cregan's chest and closed his eyes.

It was very surreal. Jacaerys didn't regret taking that shortcut anymore.

The chirping birds outside the window woke Jacaerys in the morning. He was tightly wrapped in the blanket, lids feeling heavy. He hadn't slept so well in what felt like years. 

Who'd have known getting pounded by a stranger in the woods would destress him and cure his insomnia?

Cregan wasn't in bed anymore. Had likely gone to do whatever morning routine people like him might have. Maybe it included chopping firewood.

Jacaerys felt a mild soreness on his lower body as he got up. It wasn't uncomfortable. He dressed up hesitantly. Wearing yesterday's clothes wasn't so great. Quite disgusting, really.

He walked down the steps. The bitter smell of fresh coffee filled the air. That, and scrambled eggs.

On the way to the kitchen, Jacaerys looked outside. The weather had cleared up even if it was still cloudy. He saw his car in the yard, undamaged, but dirty with dried mud. Thank fuck. He'd be able to leave today. 

Cregan was in the kitchen, making breakfast. 

"Good morning", he said without a hint of sleep.

Jacaerys was still blinking slowly as he looked at Cregan. The haze of his mind reminded him that he had indeed been fucked by that fine man. 

"Morning", he mumbled.

"Sit down and eat. You still seem tired"

Jacaerys obeyed and sat down.

"I just slept really well", he replied.

"That's good to hear"

"I saw you towed my car"

"That I did"

It seemed so effortless, like a small favor for a friend. Jacaerys was hopeful he could convince Cregan to meet him sometime in the future. Hell, he'd drive back here just to see him again. People in the city weren't so kind-hearted, typically.

"Thank you, for everything", Jacaerys said. 

Cregan's face hardened. 

"I wouldn't recommend driving off immediately. The storm brought down trees on the road. People from the town were cleaning them up when I went back for your car. They'll take some hours"

"That's okay. I can wait a few more hours. If that's okay with you, of course", Jacaerys didn't mind - he could stay a moment longer.

"Of course"

"I should call my family, though, and let them know where I am. My mom and stepfather will be so worried"

"They don't know which route you took?"

"No, I wasn't thinking at the time"

"Huh. It'd be wise to let them know"

After finishing his breakfast, Jacaerys fetched his phone from the pocket of his coat. It was where he had left it - drying in the living room. But the phone wouldn't even turn on.

"Fuck", he mumbled as he walked back to the kitchen. "Do you have some rice? I think my phone got wet"

"Sure", Cregan replied - sounded a little doubtful. 

Jacaerys was handed a bowl of rice. He buried his phone in there.

"If you remember the number, you can use my phone. It's old, I hope you don't mind", Cregan suggested.

Jacaerys closed his eyes slowly. He didn't remember the number. Why would he? Why would he ever need to? He rubbed his face into his hands. 

"Fuck", he cursed again. 

Cregan's hands settled on his shoulders and he began massaging Jacaerys.

"How about we get you in a warm shower and some clean clothes?"

"I could use that right now. I'm going to be strangled when I get back home", Jacaerys despaired.

"Your family not very understanding?"

"It's not that. They're just not used to me doing shit like this. It wasn't responsible to drive off like that"

Taking dangerous shortcuts was something Joffrey would do and sleeping with a stranger in the woods was Lucerys' specialty. 

"I'm sure they'll just be happy to have you back in one piece", Cregan remarked.

"Yeah, true"

Jacaerys followed his host through the living room into the bathroom. Cregan checked on the water heater. 

"Will you join me?" Jacaerys asked when he was given a towel. 

"I was going to", Cregan teased him. 

"Please do"

Jacaerys could see Cregan smile warmly in response.

They undressed and walked into the shower. The water took a moment to heat up, but once it did, it was nice and hot. Jacaerys felt a hand on his waist pull him closer, leaving him completely under the shower.

Water poured over his shoulders. Cregan took the soap and began washing him. He was gentle about it, so attentive with his hands that Jacaerys could have fallen right back asleep.

Cregan kissed him under the shower, sucked on his neck, and nibbled his nape. His mouth and hands were on Jacaerys' body the entire time. 

A part of Jacaerys hoped he'd be full of hickeys and bruises when he got back home. Wanted to feel like he'd been ravaged out in the woods. That'd easily be his favorite trip. 

He could get used to it. A part of him wanted to. 

After the shower, Jacaerys was given a stack of fresh clothes. The flannel was a little loose on him, but the pants fit him just fine. He liked Cregan's scent on him. Made the butterflies flutter in his belly. 

They cuddled on the bed as the weather kept clearing. It became sunny and the warmth flooded in from the window. Jacaerys knew he needed to get going.

"Can I get your number?" he asked, hand wrapped around Cregan's middle.

"If that's what you want"

"We could maybe see each other again"

Cregan didn't reply. He stared at the ceiling of the bedroom. Jacaerys raised his head and braced on his elbow.

"Did I misunderstand?" he worried.

"No, no", Cregan just mumbled.

Jacaerys felt like he had misunderstood. Maybe dating was a little far-fetched. They had a fun time and he adored Cregan with his strange habits, but they had a drive of hours between them. It'd be stupid to try and have a relationship like that. He wanted to be sensible.

"I'll be driving by on occasion if I need to see my brother. I can stop by", Jacaerys suggested. 

It'd be casual. 

"Why not", Cregan hummed.

But he could feel the air had gone cold. The butterflies stopped. 

"Do you think the road is clear?" Jacaerys asked. 

"Maybe"

Jacaerys frowned. He got up to sit.

"I should get going then", he said.

"Yes, if you must"

Cregan's voice sounded evasive. Jacaerys couldn't help the feeling of emptiness in his chest. He stood up and walked downstairs to gather all his belongings. He took his phone from the rice and shoved it in his pocket. 

He waited at the front door to say his goodbyes, but Cregan never came downstairs. Maybe he was offended. Maybe the ill feeling was mutual. 

"Thanks for everything", Jacaerys raised his voice to at least show his gratitude, didn't want to be rude even if they were both a bit uncomfortable about it. 

He headed out and walked to his car. He reached into his coat to take out his keys, but couldn't find them. It dawned on him quickly. Cregan had likely needed them while getting his car out of the mud. Obviously.

Jacaerys sighed and walked back to the porch. The door hadn't locked behind him so he peeked inside the hunting cottage again.

"I think you have my keys", he yelled into the house.

"Kitchen table", he heard a response.

The voice didn't come from upstairs. 

Jacaerys wished Cregan would've just brought them to him. He couldn't be bothered to take off his shoes again, so he walked carefully across the house into the kitchen. 

The car keys sat on the kitchen counter. Jacaerys took them in his hand. 

He heard quick steps behind him. Something heavy swung through the air. 

A blunt pain crashed against Jacaerys' ankle. He screamed in agony, his voice barely covering the crack of his breaking bone. He took support from the table instinctually, but what truly held him braced were the arms that wrapped around him.

A low thud echoed in the room. In the corner of his vision, Jacaerys saw a sledgehammer drop on the floor. 

A cloth was pressed on his mouth. It muffled his cries, the hand pressed down hard. Jacaerys tried kicking and struggling. The staggering pain reduced his attempts to weak writhing. He reached up with his hands, trying to pry away the grip around him. 

Cregan's voice shushed him in his ear.

"It's okay, it's okay, baby"

The scent by Jacaerys' nose was sickly sweet. His lids felt leaden and the colors of the kitchen blended. He became dizzy, everything around him slowly fading. 

"Shh, don't fight it. Let me take care of you"

Jacaerys realized they were both on the floor now. His movements died down to twitching. His hands turned limp on his sides. 

There was no use pleading - the words disintegrated. Jacaerys let his head drop on Cregan's shoulder. Something wet and soft pressed on his forehead. A hand rose to caress his cheek. 

His surroundings kept blurring into darkness. 

Even his fervently pounding heart subsided and Jacaerys finally fell unconscious. He knew then, he wasn't going home. 

Chapter Text

Jacaerys didn't see dreams during the time he spent unconscious. 

When he opened his eyes, he was convinced only a moment had passed. He was lying in a bed. In a very warm, soft bed. The duvet was tucked tightly around him and instead of a proper bed cover, a fur was spread over him. Jacaerys reached to touch it - smooth and real.

He readjusted. His throat was dry and he felt an ache in the back of his head. 

The bedroom was dimly lit. The curtain was drawn halfway but the light outside was only growing. It was morning. He wasn't home. He had never left the hunting cottage. 

Jacaerys braced on his elbows. He recognized the bedroom - the wooden drawer across from him and the bedside table with the lamp on the other side. It wasn't lit. He could see the cord of the switch hanging. 

The blanket felt heavy on top of his legs. Jacaerys moved, and sharp pain pierced through his right leg. It was then he remembered, and the memory washed all color from his face. 

Jacaerys pushed the blanket aside. There was a pillow below his ankle. His leg was wrapped in some dark fabric. He raised himself enough to feel it. Cold and wet. 

With a shaking hand, he removed the cold compress. There were a couple of them, wrapped in a towel, and underneath he found what looked like a bandage. 

He wanted to peel it off even if it hurt. Each round of bandage made Jacaerys jerk in pain. Had to see. Had to see what it looked like. 

The cold bag of half-melted ice fell from Jacaerys' hand when he saw his broken ankle. He held in a scream so adamantly that his lungs felt like collapsing. It hurt more when he looked at it. The swelling was red and aggravated. 

Some of his squirms of pain must have been too loud. The door opened. 

Cregan's expression wasn't much different from the first time he had opened a door for Jacaerys. There was a frown on his face and his eyes were tired. 

"Don't do that", Cregan said sternly. "I'll just have to tie it again"

Jacaerys held the end of the blanket tightly in his fist. He stared wide-eyed as Cregan walked across the room and pushed the curtain aside completely.

Light flooded in, the rays warm and orange. 

Jacaerys searched for his voice - whichever tone not swallowed by the shock that held his body completely still. 

"You need to take me to a hospital", he demanded.

Cregan shook his head.

"No", was all he said.

Jacaerys inched further on the bed when Cregan came closer. It was difficult to look at him so near until Jacaerys realized he wasn't looked at, either. Cregan just took the bandage and began wrapping it back around Jacaerys' ankle. His large hands were warm. 

"Don't touch it", Jacaerys hissed angrily and moved away, even if it hurt like hell to even inch.

"You'll be more comfortable if I do", Cregan promised.

Comfortable? Comfortable. Jacaerys' teeth snapped together and the blanket twisted between his fingers.

"Take me to a hospital", he said again.

"What are they going to do for you?"

"I might need surgery"

Jacaerys was certain this was a nightmare. How could this happen? How could this happen to him? Despair throttled his throat, reducing his voice to nothing. 

"Yes, isn't that always the case", Cregan agreed.

It was a calm tone that Jacaerys heard. Perfectly calm and comforting as if he was just overreacting after getting a little cut. Slap a bandage on it and keep going. That's how simple Cregan made it sound like. Just hold a cold compress over it. Will be as good as new. 

He realized then. 

"Cregan", Jacaerys lowered his voice into a whisper. "Please, please take me to a hospital. I won't tell anyone. I'm sorry I offended you- I'm so sorry about what I said- sorry about what I did"

Cregan hushed him. His dark eyes were directed at Jacaerys now - gentle and understanding.

"You didn't do anything wrong", Cregan replied. 

Jacaerys watched in horror as Cregan continued wrapping the bandage. He couldn't even feel the pain anymore - all he knew was how deep in shit he was. 

The loose end was tucked underneath the bandage. Cregan picked up the fallen cold compress from the floor and layered both of them on the ankle. The towel was tied around them. Held them in place. 

The whole package felt tight and secure. Cregan pushed the pillow further. 

"I'll bring you a painkiller", he said.

Jacaerys couldn't hear. Didn't register. His hands were shaking and his heart was pounding so hard he feared it might give out any minute now.

"Why- why?" Jacaerys' voice was shaking.

"It doesn't have to hurt", Cregan replied.

"Why are you doing this to me?"

Jacaerys turned his head to catch a glimpse of Cregan's expression when he didn't receive an immediate reply. Cregan seemed absent-minded.

"Cregan", he tried again. "Please take me to a hospital. I'll pay you- my family can-"

"I don't want money from you"

Cregan sounded almost angry. 

"Anything you want- anything at all. Just please, please, I need help", Jacaerys kept begging. 

Wasn't this the man who had let him in his home during heavy rain - put him in dry clothes, fed him, sheltered him, and made love to him so gently at night? Who was Cregan?

Jacaerys saw Cregan's face soften. Some hope inside him died. It was not a good sign. 

"I know. I'll take care of you", Cregan replied.

But it was torture. Jacaerys narrowed his eyes in disbelief at what he heard. His face twisted in both pain and desperation.

"Are you insane? If you don't take me to a hospital, I might never be able to walk again"

And to that, Cregan replied the same way as Jacaerys had already imagined him to, before a single word came out.

"I know"

Cregan wanted it, Jacaerys realized. It was purposeful. Had been all along. Cregan was wrong in the head - a sadist, mentally ill. He pulled the blanket back over the ankle and smoothened the end. Jacaerys felt the overpowering need to punch him. 

"Are you a serial killer?" Jacaerys asked bluntly.

Cregan chuckled and shook his head.

"No, don't be ridiculous. Let me get that painkiller for you", he said in a tone way too amused as he walked back to the door. 

So maybe Jacaerys wouldn't die. What else was there? Cannibalism didn't seem likely if killing was out of the question. Jacaerys supposed he'd never have woken up in a nice bed with his ankle wrapped if Cregan intended to kill or eat him. 

So what was he? What did he do?

Jacaerys listened to the stairs creaking. What kind of a monster did the hunting cottage belong to?

He sank back underneath the blankets. The warm bed and a couple of stacked pillows didn't remove the fact that he had to find a way to contact his family. Or call the police. His family was more scary and far more capable of finding him.

How that was going to happen, Jacaerys didn't know. He couldn't see his jacket anywhere in the bedroom. That's where his phone was. He had to get it working or at least get the SIM out. That'd do. 

Running wasn't an option. Well, he'd crawl if he had to. 

Jacaerys replayed his conversations with Cregan.

He had told him everything Cregan needed to know - the drive took hours, his family was far and no one knew which road he had taken. But it was on the map. Jacaerys just didn't know exactly where.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! He didn't even know where he was. His chest rose rapidly. 

Cregan returned with a glass of water, which he placed on the bedside table. He opened a small cardboard of medicine.

Jacaerys wasn't so sure he wanted to take any when Cregan broke one tablet out of the blister pack for him. The throbbing pain in his ankle disagreed with the notion of refusing the medication.

"It's codeine. You might get sleepy after", Cregan said. 

"What happens then?" Jacaerys asked as he looked at the tablet beside the water glass.

"Hopefully you'll get some more rest"

"Why?"

"You'll recover faster"

Jacaerys took a deep breath. Cregan was pretending to be dumb with him to mess with him, must've been part of his thing. How he liked to toy with his victims. 

"You know that's not what I mean. Why are you doing this?"

"I want to take care of you", Cregan said gently as he nodded toward the glass. "Let me do that and you'll be just fine"

"Okay", Jacaerys forced himself to say. 

Not many options lying around. Jacaerys took the tablet and swallowed it with a bit of water. It was cold and felt nice in his dry, irritated throat. He drank it all down. 

"I'll bring you some breakfast", Cregan decided.

"I'm not hungry", Jacaerys resisted.

He'd let the pain numb but he wouldn't eat in the hunting cottage ever again. He'd been lured into a trap and he definitely didn't want to revel in it. Starvation seemed a far better option. A choice he could make.

"You sure?" Cregan sounded hesitant. 

"Yes. I'd rather sleep"

"Your call"

Cregan took the empty glass and left the room again. 

The door stayed slightly open. Some part of Jacaerys wanted to yell for it to be closed. He'd like some privacy so he could think, think about how to escape. 

If he somehow managed to get outside, Jacaerys would have to avoid the road. Cregan wouldn't just let him go, that had become obvious. 

Jacaerys' lids began to feel heavy. Sleeping didn't feel so overwhelming anymore. It was a temptation in the back of his head, knocking relentlessly for an entry. Jacaerys' mind turned pleasantly foggy. He wouldn't have to worry, not for a moment. 

He lowered the pillows slightly and let himself drift to sleep.

The light had shifted when he woke up again. The rays were no longer shining through the window. 

Jacaerys could see into the thick woods behind the hunting cottage. The pine trees were tall and imposing. Their branches spread up high, leaving the base bare. The smaller vegetation offered poor cover for fleeing prey. 

No wonder the cottage was full of trophies. He'd be easy to hunt down if he tried to run. 

Jacaerys pushed the pillows up and rested himself against the headboard. He felt the sturdy wood with his hand. It was nicely made. He had no doubt Cregan was gifted at crafts. 

But why would someone like Cregan keep him captive? Jacaerys realized that was the word for his circumstances - he'd been kidnapped. It had a strange ring to his ear. Didn't sound real, didn't sound like something that just happened. Not to him.

Jacaerys reached for the bedside table and opened the drawer. The first thing he saw, was the bottle of lube. Jacaerys gritted his teeth so hard his jaw hurt. 

None of the other objects in the drawer were all that interesting. Nothing sharp or useful. A calendar, matchsticks, tissue paper, and a bag of some eucalyptus pastilles. Jacaerys took one and cracked it between his teeth. The taste was refreshing and minty. 

He closed the drawer.

Jacaerys heard the staircase. Cregan came up.

"Any dinner wishes?" he asked.

Jacaerys frowned as he looked at him. Dinner. That must've been his top priority. Jacaerys hated how casual Cregan sounded about it, how softly he spoke. 

"You do know my family will come look for me?" Jacaerys replied.

The look on Cregan's face hardly changed. He shrugged.

"I'm sure they will", he admitted.

Jacaerys felt anger pooling inside of him.

"They will find me. Do you want to get caught? If you take me to a hospital right now, I won't tell anyone what you did", he tried to persuade.

"We just had this conversation a few hours ago, Jace"

Cregan sounded exhausted, like scolding a misbehaving child over and over again. But he wasn't angry - he wasn't even mildly irritated, tone all gentle. And oh hell, did that make Jacaerys' insides boil.

He resisted to urge to inch further on the bed when Cregan sat on the bedside. 

"I know you're angry with me", he said.

"You broke my ankle", Jacaerys hissed. "You tricked me and took advantage of me. I'm in pain because of you and I'm going to be a fucking cripple because you won't take me to a fucking hospital!"

"I'm sorry I had to hurt you", Cregan replied.

Jacaerys felt a hand on his thigh. He tried jerking away but that just made Cregan move closer to him.

"I didn't want to. I don't like seeing you in pain if that's what you think", Cregan continued, eyes directed right at Jacaerys. 

They were lenient. Soft and genuine. A cold shiver traversed Jacaerys' spine. He pushed Cregan's hand away.

"Doesn't matter. You did it anyway", he said coldly.

Cregan's eyes wavered, hand still near. He straightened his posture and much to Jacaerys' surprise, didn't try touching him again. 

"I apologize, deeply"

"I won't forgive you", Jacaerys replied.

"I'm not asking you to"

There was grief in Cregan's voice, profound and dark. Jacaerys didn't think he was disingenuous in his apology and that made even less sense to him. It saddened him, too, made his chest feel tight and the anger subsided. But if he wasn't angry, he was all sorts of pitiful. 

Just swapping between rage and bargaining like they offered different results - any results.

"Cregan, if you care about me like you let me believe...", he tried and reached for Cregan's hand on the bed.

The back of Cregan's fingers felt rough. 

"Don't pitch my feelings on the line if you don't even know what they are", Cregan warned him with only little hardness.

Jacaerys knew those feelings were mixed. Otherwise, there would be no broken ankle. They'd have gone their separate ways without issues. Jacaerys removed his hand and kept his mouth shut on that topic.

"I'll get started on dinner", Cregan said hesitantly and got up.

Jacaerys forced his eyes on the floor when Cregan left. Didn't want to look after him.

It was difficult to tell the time. Jacaerys wasn't sure if he had even seen a clock anywhere else than downstairs. He drifted between sleep and awareness, caught somewhere on the threshold. 

Maybe it was just the stress. His body felt tense and the pain seemed to return. 

Jacaerys tried not to move his ankle when he readjusted. It hurt even to look at. Whatever relief the painkiller had brought, was fading. He suspected the numbness had dulled his anger, too, but when Cregan returned with a tray, all Jacaerys wanted was to fight him.

The tray was placed on the bedside. Jacaerys only glimpsed at the food. A bowl of soup and some fluffy-looking bread. The drink steamed, likely a tea of sorts. Didn't smell like coffee.

"I'm not hungry", he muttered.

"You have to eat to recover", Cregan said gently. 

"Recover? What the hell for?"

The question came out before Jacaerys even realized where it truly stemmed from. His chest felt hollow after. 

"I'm not above force-feeding you", Cregan informed.

Jacaerys wasn't surprised. He looked at the tray again. It was wooden, carefully honed and painted dark. He resisted the urge to just push it down to the floor. 

"My leg hurts again", he said quietly, weakly.

Cregan broke him another tablet. Jacaerys swallowed it dry. 

When he made no effort toward the tray, Cregan sat on the bed beside him. 

"Do you need me to feed you like a kid?" he asked.

Jacaerys didn't have a comeback to that. He turned his head away when Cregan tried offering him a spoonful. It barely touched his lips, still hot. 

He tried writhing away but Cregan locked a hand in his hair, tugging painfully when Jacaerys tried turning over.

"Stop it!" Jacaerys hissed angrily and pushed the spoon away. Some of the liquid spilled. "I'll eat it on my own!"

Anything else was too humiliating. 

Cregan grunted in response. He put the spoon down and placed the tray on Jacaerys' lap. It felt nice and warm on his thighs. 

"Get to it", Cregan encouraged him.

Jacaerys reached hesitantly for the spoon that was back on the tray. It was slightly worn silver. He dipped it in the soup and made a little turn. Some of the vegetables looked foreign to him but the smell was lovely. Jacaerys realized how hungry he was, truthfully.

The broth itself was already delicious and everything practically melted on his tongue. 

"Do you like it?" Cregan asked silently.

Jacaerys wanted to laugh at how concerned Cregan sounded. He just snorted contemptuously in response and kept eating. 

He was hopeful that Cregan would get offended and leave, but that didn't happen. Jacaerys was forced to finish the food, his pace quick as if he'd been starving for days. He broke a piece of the bread and caught the rest of the broth with it.

 
The bread, like everything else on the tray, tasted good. Jacaerys felt his heart squeezing so tightly his chest hurt. Cregan would've made a real dream partner. 

Something bothered his eyes and he quickly wiped at them. 

"I'm finished", he said and pushed the tray back down to the bed.

"Do you want to wash up?" Cregan asked.

Jacaerys shook his head. 

"I have a broken ankle if you didn't notice", he said stubbornly.

"I'd help you of course"

Cregan made it sound obvious that anything he might need was provided. Jacaerys pressed his lips tightly together. He remembered how attentive Cregan's hands were underneath the rushing water, how he'd been washed clean and cared for. 


But that memory Jacaerys couldn't let himself cherish. None of them. He couldn't let Cregan touch him again. Never again.

"I think I just want to sleep for now", Jacaerys lied.

Cregan didn't say anything. He collected the tray and left. 

There was so much irony in his situation, it was all Jacaerys could find. He never did the wrong thing. Never broke the rules or took unnecessary risks. 

This one time - one, singular time Jacaerys had acted irrationally, and it had likely cost him the life he lived. 

Just his luck.

Jacaerys looked toward the window again. It was getting dark. He could no longer see the trees, only the looming darkness that seemed to swallow the entire forest. 

In what kind of a shape would he be if he jumped? His ankle was already fucked, it couldn't be salvaged and Cregan seemed content leaving him without medical help.

If he jumped and broke more bones, would he then be taken to the hospital?

Cregan returned to the bedroom and changed Jacaerys' cold compress. He was careful touching him, like handling something so delicate a hint of pressure might break it. Jacaerys couldn't understand why - Cregan had broken it and yet he tried looking after the damage so devotedly. Maybe he regretted it. Was it an anger thing?


Either way, Jacaerys bit his teeth when everything was wrapped around again. Felt a bit better now but not comfortable, not painless. 


Cregan began to undress beside the bed, taking off his sweater and pants. 

Jacaerys inched further. Fuck, he'd share the bed. They'd sleep together. He couldn't do anything to defend himself if Cregan was about to pin him down. 

The other side of the duvet was carefully pushed aside. Cregan climbed into bed where he had slept the other night beside Jacaerys. Like nothing had happened.

"Tell me if you need anything", Cregan said and placed a hand on Jacaerys' shoulder to rub him in a soothing manner.

"Don't touch me", Jacaerys hissed immediately and flinched away.

Cregan frowned as he removed his hand.

"If you don't want me to", he said quietly.

He sounded hurt. Finally.

"I don't want you anywhere near me, especially not in the same bed"

Jacaerys watched as his harsh words made Cregan's face darken even more. Much to his surprise, Cregan rose.

"Then you'll have to yell when you need something", he muttered.

Jacaerys wouldn't need anything. He didn't want anything from Cregan, let alone to share a bed with him. He'd been tricked, taken for an idiot, and now he was locked in this house with the man who had shattered his ankle with a fucking sledgehammer.

He watched spitefully as Cregan took his spare pillow and left. 

The door stayed open. Jacaerys swallowed hard when he could no longer hear the stairs. He gasped his lungs full of air and tried calming his heartbeat. Blood rushed through him, his entire body tense and ready to flee. That awful feeling from earlier, the dread that brought water to his eyes, kept on rising. For a moment, his mind had been convinced Cregan would rape him.

Jacaerys held himself - he was untouched, he was fine. That had to be the mantra from now on. He'd be fine. 

Chapter Text

In the morning, Jacaerys woke up to the sound of a blender downstairs. He cranked himself up to sit. Morning light flooded in from the window and formed blocks of gold on the floorboards. 

It was a crispy-looking day. The light didn't feel warm. 

Before he had a chance to fully get up from the bed, Cregan walked into the bedroom.

"Morning, Jace", he said kindly. 

Jacaerys realized that was what he hated the most about Cregan, what he had previously adored - his never-ending kindness. He didn't smile much, sure, but Cregan had a very polite tone even when angry. Very charming, the kind of guy everyone trusted and liked. Good-tempered.

"Morning", Jacaerys muttered. 

"I'm gonna draw a bath for you, is that okay? Or should I warm up the sauna?" Cregan suggested.

Jacaerys blinked slowly.

"Sauna?" 

"Downstairs. It would do you good, helps with the pain and all"

It was very tempting but it also sounded like he'd need Cregan's help and that was something he didn't want. Would rather call it quits and jump out of the window. 

A bath might be tolerable with his injury. Jacaerys could relax a little and hopefully find something to help him escape - anything to defend himself with. A shaving blade, scissors, anything. He couldn't think of many tools included in your average bathroom kit. 

"No, I'm fine with a bath", he said. 

"Okay, whatever you prefer", Cregan agreed. 

Jacaerys was grateful he didn't start arguing his case. He watched as Cregan disappeared to the end of the hallway and into the bathroom. 

It would be stupid to run. Jacaerys wouldn't make it further than down the stairs if he was fortunate. Fuck, he needed a plan. He needed to call for help and he had to be subtle about it. Maybe he could steal Cregan's phone and make a quick emergency call. Surely they'd investigate even if he had only a moment to spare. He could delete the call history after. 

Jacaerys was sure his family was already looking for him. 

First, his mother would call Lucerys and ask about him, figure out when he left, and realize he should have been home a long time ago. She'd call the cops and get them on the move immediately. His mother had that ability with any business, especially when it concerned their family. 

Second, his stepfather would trace Jacaerys' steps, and find out which route he had taken. When the obvious one offered no results, Daemon would look for shortcuts. He'd barge into every house and turn every rock on the way. 

They had resources and connections. 

They'd find him. 

If he was alive.

Jacaerys got up from the bed and reached for the wall to support himself. His ankle ached, it could take no weight. Maybe he should've asked for another painkiller but weakness was the last thing he wanted to show Cregan. 

"Don't hurt yourself", he heard Cregan say as he rushed back from the bathroom. 

He immediately put a hand on Jacaerys' waist and supported him, balancing his weight seamlessly. Without asking. Without permission, as if his job was to work as a personal railing.

"You did that well enough", Jacaerys muttered in between his teeth. 

"Let me carry you", Cregan offered.

"You're not carrying me"

"Have it your way"

Jacaerys had no other choice - he braced on Cregan for support and limped to the bathroom. Hopped like a mortified bunny. 

The water in the bathtub was clouded with soap. No bubbles. Jacaerys started to carefully unbutton his shirt. 

"Can I have some privacy?" he asked moodily. 

"Yes. I left you a towel and clean clothes. And a toothbrush", Cregan listed. 

Jacaerys looked at the stack of clothes next to the sink with contempt.

"Where are my clothes?" Jacaerys asked.

"In the laundry"

"I don't want to wear yours"

"You can be nude if you like, I can't say I mind"

Jacaerys wanted to curse him. Cregan was such an asshole. Whatever. 

He looked at the edge of the tub and then down at his ankle. How the fuck was he supposed to plant himself in there? He squeezed Cregan's arm tighter than he would have liked to. 

"I'll leave once I know you're not slipping everywhere", Cregan said softly. 

It always felt like Cregan knew his thoughts. Felt all his concerns. 

Jacaerys nodded hesitantly and let Cregan help him down to sit. He dropped the flannel from his shoulders and stepped out of his boxers. 

It wasn't like Cregan hadn't seen him before, and still, it felt filthy. Like he'd been stripped down next to a window and left to be goggled at. Jacaerys wasn't sure if he imagined the way he was eyed - could've easily been his shame knocking. 

With his nails nearly dug into Cregan's arm, Jacaerys slid into the tub, ankle left to rest on the edge. The water was warm and soothing but not scorching. Just right for his liking. 

"Shout when you want to get up. I was almost done with breakfast", Cregan said before walking to the door. 

"Okay"

Jacaerys looked as Cregan left. The door stayed open and cool air drifted into the bathroom. Jacaerys leaned back and closed his eyes. 

He had a tub at home - larger, a spot lined for his head, with oils to make it so relaxing he nearly fell asleep sometimes. Right now, this felt just as good.

They always said Jacaerys had never quite learned how to take things easy. Always on the go with bags under his eyes - working hard and sleeping little. Being locked in a cottage with nothing to do was a nightmare.

Jacaerys rubbed himself clean. It was strange how lying in bed left him feeling like a layer of dust covered his skin. It would all go down the drain. 

"Cregan!" 

The name turned familiar on his tongue. Jacaerys thought it was a bit unusual, he hadn't much considered that before. The man himself was unusual as well, he supposed. 

Cregan came back almost immediately. Jacaerys was quite sure he had hopped up two steps at a time. It sounded like it. 

"Ready?" Cregan asked. 

"Yeah. I want to rinse the soap. Can I do it in the tub?" 

"Sure"

Cregan leaned into the tub to drain the water. The end of his sleeve became soaked. He took the shower head, turned on the water, and handed it to Jacaerys. The hose was long enough to reach, rather convenient. 

The water was a bit colder but Jacaerys didn't complain. 

Cregan helped him up once he was done. It didn't seem like he minded getting his clothes wet - he practically carried Jacaerys out of the tub. 

Being so dependent on someone was already irritating enough, Cregan didn't need to be so gentle and attentive. Jacaerys hated it with a passion - he was treated like delicate porcelain.

 
Cregan took the towel and began wrapping it around Jacaerys.

"I can dry myself", he said quickly.

The hands didn't move away, however. Cregan rubbed his shoulders with circular, massaging motions. Jacaerys was tense, he could feel it everywhere in his body. It was obvious to the outside, too. 

"It's okay, Jace. Let me take care of you", Cregan murmured. 

The touch fell further down, the towel catching each droplet on Jacaerys' middle, thighs and ass. Cregan was gentle, not pulling or tugging with the towel as he wiped Jacaerys down between his legs. 

"Okay", Jacaerys said in a small voice. 

Was that all Cregan wanted - a doll to feed, clean, and fuck? It sounded like the most bizarre fixation Jacaerys had heard of, not that he knew much about clinically insane people. Only what he had seen in movies or listened to on true crime podcasts. Those sources didn't seem very accurate with this particular flavor of psycho. 

Jacaerys dressed himself in what was another stack of Cregan's clothes. He could tell by the scent before even seeing the fit. They were comfortable, he had to admit. Blacks and greys.

He brushed his teeth and combed his wet hair, Cregan never leaving his side. The firm hands were constantly on him - arm, waist, or hip. Cregan was like a guard dog, making it impossible for Jacaerys to search through the cabinet. 

After he was done, Cregan walked him back toward the bedroom but they stopped at the staircase. 

"Would you like to eat at the table?" Cregan suggested. 

Jacaerys nodded eagerly, happy to see anything other than the walls of the bedroom. He could maybe look around and find something useful. 

"Yeah, please", he forced himself to be polite. 

Cregan helped him down the staircase. Jacaerys was sure Cregan would've easily caught him if he fell. Could just scoop him right up and carry him back to bed. 

The thought made his heart pound - made him feel small and useless. 

From the kitchen window, Jacaerys could see his car was no longer in the yard. He was seated at the table and breakfast was placed in front of him - some kind of porridge with nuts mixed in. 

"Cregan?" he asked carefully.

"Yes?"

"What did you do to my car?" 

Cregan tilted his head dismissively as he poured coffee. 

"Got rid of it", he replied. 

"How?" Jacaerys frowned - how and when? 

"Had a friend put it in parts"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Cregan raised his head and looked at him sternly, eyes dark and his frown deep. All warmth vanished from his expression. 

Jacaerys wanted to swallow his tongue. The hairs on his nape stood up when Cregan spoke, slow and monotone. 

"I know you're still processing everything that's happened but don't ever speak like that to me, do you understand?"

Jacaerys nodded quickly and lowered his eyes. Felt like sinking down in his chair. 

"Sorry", he said quietly. "I'm sorry"

Cregan's face softened only slightly and he reached for Jacaerys' hand. He rubbed circles with his thumb on the back of it. Too afraid to move it, Jacaerys sat still.

"Don't be scared. I won't hurt you", Cregan promised. 

Jacaerys didn't believe that. He knew it was possible, his leg ached as if to remind him. Cregan had hurt him and was more than able to do it again. 

"Fear makes people angry, I know, but you'll have to get past that", Cregan continued.

"Okay", Jacaerys replied weakly.

"Eat up now"

"Okay"

Jacaerys tried to stop his hand from shaking when he held the spoon. The porridge was still warm and the consistency was nice even with the nuts. He was used to a full, early morning breakfast. 

It could've been an ordinary morning. 

"I don't think you liked the coffee very much. Do you want tea?" Cregan suggested.

Right, he remembered. It was bitter when Cregan made it. Jacaerys shook his head.

"Not right now", he replied.

Cregan only nodded to that.

Jacaerys finished his portion and pushed the bowl aside. He looked outside, his mind obsessively trying to replay everything that had happened.

"Cregan?" he asked again.

"Yes?"

"What will you do when they come looking for me?"

"Your family?"

Jacaerys nodded. Cregan didn't sound offended by the question. It was tough to tell what exactly was too much for him. Jacaerys didn't want to intentionally poke at him, he just wanted to understand which screw was loose in Cregan's head. 

"What makes you think they'll find you?" Cregan asked.

"They won't stop looking until they find me"

"There's quite a lot of ground to cover, isn't there? You think they'll knock on every single door between the university and your home?"

"People have seen my car. It's easy to remember"

It was a nice car. Had been, anyway. 

"It is now but what about after a couple months pass?" Cregan remarked. "You told me yourself nobody knows where you drove off. It was a storm - the locals will remember what kind of damage they had to fix the next day, they won't remember one vehicle"

Jacaerys frowned in disapproval.

"Someone always notices", he mumbled.

"Have you ever lived in a small town? Been to the countryside?" Cregan asked.

"Not really"

"People here are different. Communal. We help each other out and do small favors"

"Like putting a car into parts and conveniently forgetting about it the next day?" Jacaerys caught on quick.

A smile tugged at the corner of Cregan's mouth.

"Something like that", he replied.

Jacaerys didn't care. His family would find a way, some clue that would eventually lead them in the right direction. There were tracks - Jacaerys had stopped for gas and lunch and used his credit card. People had seen him, there had been security cameras somewhere, there always were. 

"They won't give up before they find me", Jacaerys said.

He feared he was convincing himself more than Cregan.

"You have plenty of siblings, right?"

The question made Jacaerys roll his eyes defiantly.

"You think my mom's gonna replace me?" he asked with a scoff.

"No, that's not possible. But hope runs out, Jace. You're not looking after anybody anymore. Their life will move on, or would you prefer them to lose years by trying to find you?" Cregan asked as he got up to clean away the plates and mugs.

"Lose years like you did with your brother?" Jacaerys shot back.

Cregan paused by his chair, leaning his hand on the back of it. There was a grin on his lips.

"You're a smart boy, Jace. What a catch", Cregan said playfully. "They'll look for you everywhere, organize search parties, and do whatever is in their power but only a handful of all the missing people are ever found. They'll accept you're gone and they'll move on. You ought to let them"

Jacaerys fiddled with his fingers, poking a nail. The words sank in right where they hit him the hardest. 

"If my family has lost me, can't you relate to that at all? Their grief of what it's like to lose someone you love?" he asked.

Cregan was silent for a moment. Jacaerys didn't dare to look up at him. A hand settled on his shoulder and Cregan leaned over him, standing behind the chair.

"You ever ask anything for yourself?" Cregan's voice was quiet, almost absentminded.

"What do you mean?"

At first, Jacaerys didn't understand. He frowned as he thought about it. His family always came first - his brothers, his mother, his stepfather. They were what he valued the most. He didn't mind sacrificing time and effort for them. 

"You're the first thing I've wanted in a long time", Cregan told him. "First thing I've let myself have. Selfishly"

Jacaerys took a deep breath. He was the first thing Cregan had wanted for himself.

The grief of others didn't matter. Maybe his own had numbed Cregan, turned him so bitter there wasn't much empathy left. Was there any regret?

"I don't think forcing me to stay with you is going to heal anything, Cregan", Jacaerys said with a trembling voice - it was the truth, he thought, and he feared to say it.

Cregan raked slowly through Jacaerys' still damp hair.

"Maybe it already has", he muttered in response. 

"I'm not a pet. Go get a dog if you're lonely"

Cregan's chuckle was dry and low.

"I think you'll do for a stray. You were wet and hungry when you got here, and you have very bad manners"

Jacaerys hated that image. Anyone who got slammed with a sledgehammer would have bad manners, even if he was compared to an animal. 

"So you'll keep me here until I roll over and die?" Jacaerys asked bitterly.

"Yes"

"I thought you-", he began to say but paused.

It was pointless. Cregan didn't care about his happiness, there was no reason to try and appeal to whatever feelings he had presumably developed the other day. They weren't real, all of it was just a trick Jacaerys would easily fall for - he'd been naive and lost, he'd been a virgin, easy to fool him into thinking he was dear. 

Jacaerys was as worthless to Cregan as a dog would be. Maybe it was fitting to be treated like one.

"What's that, Jace?" Cregan encouraged him.

"Nothing"

"You can be open with me"

Jacaerys shook his head, refusing the offer. He could but he didn't want to. It would hurt twice more. He was supposed to accept living as a cripple in the middle of nowhere for Cregan's entertainment. 

"Okay, not forcing you", Cregan brushed it off. "Do you want to go back to bed?"

"I'd rather stay here. That room feels... cramped"

"Sure, you want to lay down on the couch?"

"Yeah"

Cregan helped him up and supported him as they walked into the living room. The couch was still lined with linen and a blanket was folded on the other end. Jacaerys lay down and Cregan carefully pushed a pillow under his ankle. 

"Want the blanket?" Cregan asked.

"No, thank you"

Jacaerys minded his manners. 

"I'll leave it here in case you get cold"

"Thank you"

He felt a hand briefly brush his shoulder. Jacaerys tried getting comfortable as Cregan left him be. 

The hard couch felt surprisingly good after lying in bed for so long. Jacaerys wasn't used to it, he wasn't much of a sleeper. One of his rare well-slept nights was from two days ago when he had been cuddled up against Cregan thinking that man was going to be his boyfriend or some other ridiculous shit he had told himself.

Jacaerys sighed and closed his eyes. He listened to the sound of dishes clattering from the kitchen and tried following the footsteps in his mind when he heard Cregan walking around. Housework, probably. 

It appeared Cregan wasn't too keen on keeping watch on Jacaerys. It concerned him just as much as it turned him into an opportunist. 

"I'll be outside for a minute", he heard Cregan's voice by the front door.

"Okay", Jacaerys mumbled, exaggerating how weary his voice was.

The door opened and closed. Jacaerys lay still for a moment, completely frozen. He didn't move even a finger. He suspected it was a trick to test him. Why would that be necessary? Jacaerys had nowhere to run if he even could run a single step. All he could do was try to call for help.

He heard a sharp snap - something quick that crashed through the air. It came from outside. Jacaerys raised his head above the back of the couch and peeked outside. Cregan was chopping wood. 

The axe fell down and snapped against the wood. The log split effortlessly in two.

Jacaerys' stomach dropped. He felt fortunate Cregan hadn't decided to dismember him. Judging by how he swung the axe in the air, it'd be easy for him. 

And he was insane enough to do it.

Jacaerys pulled the blanket down and wrapped himself in it.

Fear kept him disabled on the couch. It killed some of his determination. He needed to recover. 

The clock on the wall ticked. 

Cregan came back indoors in half an hour. Jacaerys ignored him. Eyes closed, he focused on listening to the footsteps. 

Involuntarily, he drifted asleep. 

Jacaerys saw restless dreams. He dreamed of being a child and jumping from a swing but the ground below his feet disappeared. He was falling and the seemingly endless descent stopped only when he woke up. 

He flinched and pushed away the blanket. It felt too heavy and warm. 

The cottage was quiet. Jacaerys had no idea where Cregan was. He peeked outside again. The backyard was empty - the axe and the logs weren't there, either. The door of the shed behind the house was closed, too. 

Jacaerys cranked himself up by bracing on the wall. It was awkward and difficult. He tried his ankle and pain shot through him immediately.

"Fuck, fuck", Jacaerys cursed between his teeth and hissed in agony.

He limped his way to the kitchen. 

Everything left from the breakfast was cleaned up. The counters and the dining table were neat, nothing was lying around. Jacaerys turned on the light above the sink counter. 

Next to the switch was a phone charger. It was plugged out, with no phone in sight. 

Jacaerys nearly tripped when he heard sounds of drilling upstairs. His heart immediately jumped up his throat. 

While the sound went on, Jacaerys searched through the cabinets. Lots of dry products stocked up and the tableware was in the cabinet above the sink. The knives were underneath the counter in a drawer. Separated into a divider. He could hide a knife under the mattress if he somehow managed to take one upstairs. As Jacaerys was focused on his intrusive thoughts of becoming a killer, he didn't realize the drilling had gone quiet. 

"What are you looking for, Jace?"

Jacaerys slammed the drawer shut. Cregan stood in the doorway, arms crossed and leaning to the corner.

"You said you had tea", Jacaerys said so calmly he even surprised himself.

Maybe he was capable of some self-preservation after all.

"You could have asked", Cregan remarked but he reached for one of the shelves anyway and placed a box of bagged lemon tea on the counter. 

Jacaerys realized Cregan was more upset by his independence than the fact that he was snooping around. 

"Uhh, you can fill the... kettle?" Jacaerys suggested. 

"Sit down, Jace"

Jacaerys figured it was best to obey. He sat down in the same place where he had earlier had his breakfast. A mug was placed in front of him.

"What were you doing?" Jacaerys asked, telling himself it was to direct Cregan's attention elsewhere.

"I installed a railing for you upstairs, so you can get to the bathroom on your own"

"Thanks"

He would be allowed to move around on his own. Cregan didn't seem to think Jacaerys would make any attempt to escape. In that, he'd be wrong. 

Once the water was done boiling, Cregan poured some for Jacaerys.

"Your relationship with your new father", Cregan began as he sat down. "How is it?"

Jacaerys dropped the tea bag into the mug.

"Why do you care?" he asked.

"Making conversation"

"It's good"

Jacaerys resisted drinking the too-hot tea just to have something to do. It wasn't the sort of casual conversation he was willing to have, with anyone for that matter. 

"Like I said before, you can be open with me. I think you'll be a lot more comfortable", Cregan reminded him. 

Jacaerys sighed.

"It's a bit complicated", he admitted.

"I'm not going anywhere and neither are you. He too hard on you?"

That reminder didn't feel necessary. Jacaerys shrugged.

"Harder on me than my brothers", he replied. "I can do my task perfectly and he'll find something wrong with it. Nobody else gets the lectures I do"

"How long has he been in the picture?"

"A few years. My mom remarried pretty quickly"

"And they have children together?"

"Two"

Jacaerys had to wonder if Cregan just wanted to know how big his family was. Dig up any sort of information available. But he was nodding and listening like he was genuinely curious.

"Did you have to work with him?" Cregan asked. 

"Yeah, every single day"

"And your mother? She didn't mind?"

"I didn't tell her there were issues", Jacaerys admitted, eyes nailed on the tea.

"Why not?"

Because that would make Jacaerys a whiny disappointment. But all he did was shrug and take it. He could handle it.

"I don't know. Didn't want to be difficult"

"You don't seem like someone who complains a lot"

Jacaerys scoffed. "I've complained a lot here"

"I expected you to be much worse", Cregan said with a subtle smirk. 

For some reason that made Jacaerys proud. He liked to think he was adaptive, able to survive no matter the situation. Cregan must've thought he was a spoiled brat. 

"That's different, though", Jacaerys argued.

"You don't date, do you?" Cregan changed the subject.

Jacaerys took a sip of his tea. The taste of lemon wasn't too overpowering. It was nice, could've used a bit of sugar. 

"Don't really have the time to date", he replied.

It wasn't exactly a topic he wanted to delve into, not with Cregan.

"I expected you to have a very active social life", Cregan admitted.

"I told you I hadn't- anyway, doesn't matter"

Jacaerys readjusted in his seat. Felt even more uncomfortable. Cregan eyed him, he could tell.

"I want to go back to bed", Jacaerys decided.

"Okay", Cregan agreed without any irritation in his voice.

Cregan got up and helped Jacaerys to the staircase. The new railing was by the hallway, metal drilled to the wall. It'd be convenient, Jacaerys supposed. He crawled back to bed and Cregan pulled the blanket over his legs.

"I apologize if I was too nosy", Cregan said softly.

"It's okay", Jacaerys forced himself to say.

It wasn't okay. Jacaerys didn't want Cregan poking at all his weak points. No one knew about them, he had made sure about that.

"Want me to leave you alone?" Cregan sounded hopeful.

"Yeah, my leg hurts again"

Jacaerys didn't need to ask for a painkiller. Cregan brought it to him and left the water glass on the bedside table. 

At night, when the lights downstairs had gone out, Jacaerys lay wide awake. He stared at the ceiling and gathered his courage. 

He had no idea how long Cregan would take to fall asleep. He waited until he couldn't wait any longer. Sanity would fail him before he took any action.

Jacaerys cranked himself up the bed and made his way to the staircase. He stood at the top and listened. No footsteps, no snoring, no breathing - nothing. 

He held onto the railing and placed his good foot on the step. It didn't creak but the next one did the more weight he put on it. Jacaerys descended the steps as slowly as he could and after each step, he feared Cregan would jump him at any moment. Didn't help that it was pitch black on the staircase. Jacaerys didn't bother looking for the switch. 

Downstairs, moonlight cast streaks of pale blue on the floorboards. Jacaerys peeked into the living room. Cregan was asleep on the couch, back toward the doorway. 

Some red light blinked on the windowsill - a radio, perhaps.

Jacaerys snuck into the kitchen and checked the charger. He wanted to scream with joy when he found a phone plugged in. 

It was dead, the screen was black and not responding. Turned off for the night, he assumed. Some people did that. Jacaerys ran his finger on the side of the device and pressed down the first button he could find. 

The phone switched on and played a tune. Jacaerys tried muffling it with his hand. It asked for a 4-digit code. 

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

Jacaerys dialed the obvious one first - zero, zero, zero, zero. Wrong. One, two, three, four. 

When the screen refreshed and requested again with a singular try left, Jacaerys wanted to slam the phone into the nearest wall. 

He was sure his heart didn't even pound from the suspension. If he tried again and failed, the phone would need a reset. Cregan would notice that. Shit, would the attempts even refresh? Jacaerys had a sickening feeling he had already fucked up. 

In the moonlight and stillness, Jacaerys could barely hear his own agitated breath. He put the phone back and limped out of the kitchen. Cregan was still asleep. 

Jacaerys wasn't religious but as he climbed up the stairs, he prayed to all sorts of gods that he would make it. He couldn't stay here - he couldn't live here. 

By the time he made it back to bed, his legs were cold and his entire body was strained. Cold sweat covered him. He withdrew underneath the blankets and squeezed the pillow against his chest. 

It took a while before his frantic heartbeat subsided and he managed to sleep again.

Bright rays of the sun woke Jacaerys up after dawn. He had slept in an awkward position and his ankle ached. His adventure last night had left his body sore. It was partially the stress, he supposed.

As he tried to brace on his elbows, his hand jerked back. Something metallic clinked by his ear. 

Jacaerys blinked rapidly and looked at his wrist. He was handcuffed. The chain was attached to the headboard of the bed. He followed the metal with a finger to find a small lock.

He understood what it meant. He was so painfully aware his hands began to shake. Before the fear completely took over, Jacaerys pressed his lips together and tried to calm himself.

When he turned, he saw Cregan by the doorway. Involuntarily, he flinched and clutched the blanket.

"Morning, Jace. You were a bit busy last night", Cregan began slowly.

"I didn't mean-", Jacaerys stuttered, words meaningless, voice small and shaky.

Cregan looked away dismissively like he was disappointed.

"I chose to trust you, you know. My mistake, clearly, but I thought I'd give you a chance", he said. 

"I'm sorry"

"That, that's what you don't mean", Cregan's voice sharpened.

Jacaerys looked at the tangled blanket, too afraid to even glimpse at Cregan. He just wanted to go home, he wanted to see his family and live his life as it had been. One mistake shouldn't cost everything, it wasn't right. It wasn't right!

He heard Cregan sigh deeply. 

"No more walking around on your own. Best you stay in bed for a couple days", Cregan decided.

"Okay", Jacaerys whispered.

Cregan seemingly started to walk away until he turned his head back.

"And Jace, I hope you realize next time I won't just cuff you to the bed. I'll break both of your fucking knees"

It was the first time Jacaerys had heard Cregan curse. His voice was deep and hard, emotionless. There was no sympathy anymore. Gone away was the tenderness. 

Cregan left and closed the door behind him. 

Jacaerys buried his face in his pillow to silence his sobs. 

Chapter Text

Cregan was cold and distant for the rest of the day. When he brought Jacaerys breakfast, he did so with a tray as he had done the very first morning. Didn't wish him a good appetite, didn't make any jokes. He went about it like one would do chores. They weren't pleasant but had to be done.

Jacaerys lay down, bundled in blankets. Cregan let him out of the cuff so he could eat freely. 

It felt wrong to ask for anything when Cregan didn't offer. Jacaerys realized then just how many conversations they had on the daily. Cregan was always polite, checking in on him and constantly ensuring he had everything he needed.

The silence was harrowing. Jacaerys feared to break it. He ate quickly and without complaining. 

After breakfast, Cregan caught Jacaerys' left wrist and locked him back again. The cuff made a small click when it was closed. Jacaerys didn't try to struggle. He darted a quick glimpse at Cregan and that was all. It wasn't returned.

Jacaerys' tongue felt thick and his voice was missing. He could lay down just fine with his hand cuffed but he chose to stay in a sitting position. Cregan reached in to adjust his pillow.

"I got it", Jacaerys said carefully and pushed the pillow against the headboard himself.

Cregan didn't say anything, just grunted in response. He took the tray and left. The door closed behind him. Jacaerys couldn't see into the hallway like he was used to.

Solitude and silence were a worse punishment than being chained to the bed. 

The day passed by more or less the same. Jacaerys rested his head on the wood, eyes half closed. He wondered how he had been caught. Cregan must've checked the phone and seen someone had tried dialing in the wrong code.

It wasn't rocket science. Jacaerys had been too hopeful, too careless. He didn't admit it to himself, but he knew deep down that for a moment he had been convinced he'd get out.

He licked the inside of his mouth. Felt dry. He swore he could taste his fear bitter on his tongue. It made each minute spent awake like slow torture. Jacaerys moved his injured leg from time to time. It ached, thankfully - reminded him it wasn't maybe all over yet. 

But he couldn't fuck up again. Cregan would kill him. Jacaerys had no doubt about that anymore. He'd get sliced up into stackable pieces with the axe outside.

Cregan brought him a cup of tea around the late afternoon. Some light still poured in from the window, it couldn't possibly be too late.

Jacaerys tapped his finger on the side of the mug. It was hot - steam swirled above the drink. He stared at it almost hypnotized. 

"I'll bring you dinner in a couple of hours", Cregan informed him.

"Thank you", Jacaerys said politely, voice quiet and way too high-pitched for his liking.

He was letting the fear show. 

"Cregan?" he asked quickly before Cregan had a chance to leave - that was for sure what he'd do. 

"Yes?" 

Cregan didn't sound any warmer as he stood by the bed. He had an exhausted look in his eyes - hurt and disappointed. The demeanor before him convinced Jacaerys that Cregan no longer had any desire to be in his company. He was deeply offended and Jacaerys knew he had caused it. 

Guilt had teeth and claws, Jacaerys learned. He could still win this - he could play his cards right. He could make Cregan kind to him again - make him like him again.

"I'm sorry", Jacaerys said and looked directly at him.

"Are you?"

Jacaerys gathered his courage. Now or never. He reached for Cregan's hand with his free one.

"I'm sorry I behaved the way I did", he apologized again.

Cregan stared at him, Jacaerys could feel it burning on his cheeks. 

"You've been so nice to me. You've taken care of me even when all I do is complain. I'm sorry, Cregan", he continued.

Slowly, Cregan sat down on the bedside. Jacaerys let go of his hand, worried it was too much - or worse, not enough. Instead, the hand came down to caress his thigh. Jacaerys focused not to flinch. 

"Can you forgive me?" Jacaerys asked when Cregan did nothing to end the silence.

"I know you're having a tough time", Cregan said understandingly. "I get that you want to go back to your family"

"I miss them and I know they miss me"

"Yes, that's relatable enough"

Cregan would miss him, too. That was the point. Cregan had the luxury of deciding he would never need to miss him. Jacaerys' family wasn't allowed that same choice.

"If I could let them know I'm safe, that I'm not dead, it'd be easier to adjust. I wouldn't be so difficult with you all the time. We could- live like you want us to", Jacaerys suggested. 

He saw a smile nudge the corner of Cregan's lips.

"They'd look for you, Jace", he said sternly. 

"I'd tell them not to"

"If you give them hope, they won't ever give up"

Jacaerys didn't continue pushing. He could hear Cregan wasn't falling for it. The shame weighed his eyes down.

"Do you think I'll give up, Jace?" Cregan asked.

Jacaerys shook his head in response. It wasn't like he had made that mistake. He knew Cregan couldn't be just convinced to let him go. Money, reasoning, the threats - none had worked and hand-holding wouldn't change anything.

"That's right", Cregan said and raised his hand below Jacaerys' chin to lift his gaze. 

The touch was gentle, the fingers warm as they pressed into Jacaerys' cheeks. He stilled, even his heart seemed to pause with Cregan so near.

"But I do forgive you"

"Thank you", Jacaerys whispered.

Cregan looked directly at him, eyes hooded with lenience. For a moment, Jacaerys thought Cregan would kiss him. 

Fucking idiot. Jacaerys called himself all sorts of vile names in his head when Cregan withdrew his hand and got up from the bed. 

"Got a dinner to make", Cregan said as he walked out of the room.

The door was left open this time.

Jacaerys let the hours slip. Cregan handled dinner more or less the same way as before - brought it on a tray and left shortly after. They didn't exchange many words but Jacaerys knew Cregan was slowly warming up to him again. 

It shouldn't have concerned him. Jacaerys tried reasoning with himself - he did whatever he had to do to survive and that was all. Cregan didn't need to be affectionate with him. He just couldn't provoke violence.

And yet, Jacaerys felt a hollow in his chest when he was left alone. 

There was nothing for him to do but look out of the window or chase the waning rays of light on the hard timber walls. 

At some point in the evening, Cregan brought him a cup of tea. It was the same lemon flavor as before. Jacaerys liked the warmth of it. Since he wasn't moving much, his hands became especially cold quickly.

"How's your leg?" Cregan asked.

Jacaerys looked up at him. The question felt insulting but maybe Cregan saw he didn't have much attitude to give.

"Hurts when I move, so basically the same", he replied. 

"Let me take a look?"

"If you want to"

Cregan moved the blanket aside and lifted the ankle on top of a pillow. Jacaerys winced when it was touched. Contact hurt, like a shock of electricity deep underneath his skin.

The swelling was gone but what good did that do? It was still red and broken. Jacaerys bit his teeth together.

"Why my leg?" Jacaerys asked.

"Felt like the obvious choice", Cregan replied casually. 

"You could've just asked me to stay"

"And your response would've been no"

It wasn't untrue. Jacaerys groaned in pain when Cregan adjusted the bandage.

"I don't think you have medical training", Jacaerys guessed.

"I don't"

"What if I get an infection? Will you let me suffer and die?"

"No, I won't let you suffer or die", Cregan sounded so sure and calm about it.

Jacaerys didn't dare hope for anything but his pulse went down, knowing Cregan wouldn't just discard him. He didn't think Cregan would lie about that. He didn't seem to lie about anything, really. Sometimes honesty was a worse alternative.

"I don't feel so good", Jacaerys whispered.

"What's the matter?" Cregan asked and looked at him once he was done with the bandage. 

There was a gentleness in his eyes that encouraged Jacaerys.

"Lying down all day"

Cregan nodded.

"I'll walk you around the place if you want", he suggested.

It was better than nothing, so Jacaerys agreed. Cregan opened the cuffs and helped him up from the bed.

Jacaerys took the arm that was offered to him and held it tightly. Cregan was patient with him - stable and strong, and Jacaerys realized just how much trust he placed in him. 

It was almost like taking a late tour around the house. Cregan had never really shown him around but the only rooms Jacaerys hadn't yet seen were the downstairs bathroom with a shower and the sauna behind a black-tinted glass door, and the storage room between the kitchen and the living room.

Jacaerys knew he was slowly losing it when he thought the cottage started to feel almost cozy. 

Once Cregan took him back to bed, he didn't cuff Jacaerys again. He tucked him into bed and left a glass of water on the bedside table.

Jacaerys felt too tired for much conversation. He fell asleep earlier than usual.

The tiled stove in the corner of the bedroom went cold at night. In the dim light of the lamp, Jacaerys could see how ice spread across the glass of the window. The hoarfrost appeared almost ghostly. 

But it was cold. Jacaerys bundled tightly into the blanket, although it wasn't enough to kill the shivers. He was used to turning the thermostat whenever he got chilly or just fetching another blanket. The flannel and boxers didn't keep him very warm. The hairs on his legs stood up. 

"Fuck", Jacaerys cursed out loud. 

He got up to sit. The floor felt cold underneath his healthy foot. With support from the bedside, he cranked himself up. His ankle didn't hurt but he was still scared of putting any weight on it. He limped to the bedroom door and pushed it open with a creak. 

The hallway was pitch black. There was no light downstairs. Jacaerys tried looking for the light switch but he only knew where the one downstairs was. The walls were solid, he couldn't find the switch. Jacaerys bit his teeth together. 

"Cregan?" he called downstairs. "Cregan!"

He could faintly hear moving and footsteps before the light switched on. 

"Need something?" Cregan asked, blinking his eyes as he got used to the sudden light. His voice was tired and husky, hair a bit ruffled. 

"It's freezing in my room", Jacaerys said quickly. 

"Go back to bed. I'll be right up"

Jacaerys obeyed and limped back to bed. He sat down and brought the blanket over his knees. 

Soon after, Cregan came up with the wood for the heater. They weren't logs exactly - smaller, way thinner so they'd fit nicely in the stove. Cregan knelt by the stove and opened the lid.

"This is starting to feel intentional", Jacaerys muttered. 

"What is?" Cregan asked.

"Did you just conveniently forget to bring more wood or...?"

Cregan chuckled. 

"Are you implying I let you freeze so you'd come to me?" 

"Yes"


The first time had definitely been intentional. 

"Sorry to disappoint. The temperature dropped sooner than I expected. It's a little chilly downstairs too" 

Jacaerys chose to believe him. Maybe staying warm was a common issue around here. He wouldn't know. 

Cregan poked at the wood with another piece before closing the lid and standing up. 

"But... if you do need some extra warmth", he said suggestively with a lopsided smile. 

Jacaerys rolled his eyes in response. He realized he didn't mind so much anymore if Cregan slept next to him. The bed was large enough, they didn't even have to be close. 

"It's your bed", he replied dismissively. 

"I know that"

"Fine, come keep me warm"

It felt relieving to say. Cregan had a wide, handsome grin on his face. Like he'd won something special. Jacaerys tried to keep his composure when Cregan climbed in bed next to him. 

They settled underneath the same blanket. Close to each other. Jacaerys stayed on his back to keep his ankle in a good position, and Cregan glued himself onto his side. The blanket was pushed in from the sides and Cregan pulled the fur over them, too. 

"Don't worry, you'll be nice and warm soon", he said - knew it was true all due to him, unfortunately. 

"Thank you", Jacaerys muttered. 

It was like sleeping right next to the heater. Cregan was hot, his large hand warm and soothing as he rubbed Jacaerys' arm. 

"Gonna make you a nice breakfast in the morning. We need to start fattening you up"

Jacaerys didn't know why but he burst out into a laugh. 

"I'm too skinny?" he asked. 

"A little", Cregan replied playfully. "Maybe you just haven't been home at dinner time" 

Here, he'd always be home, technically. 

"Yeah, I suppose"

"Don't worry, I'll make sure you eat well"

"Okay"

Cregan's smile didn't go out easily. He pressed a quick kiss on Jacaerys' forehead before finally laying his head down. 

"Good night, Jace", he said softly. 

Jacaerys lay still, staring at the ceiling. He felt warm and comfortable, having been kissed a good night and he liked it. Liking scared him.

"Good night, Cregan" 

In the morning, Jacaerys woke up where he hadn't fallen asleep. He was still tightly wrapped in blankets and the fur covered his legs, but his head rested on Cregan's chest and an arm held him by his waist. Jacaerys quickly moved aside.

The hoarfrost covered the window completely but the bedroom was warm. 

Cregan was still asleep. His chest rose calmly and a restful sigh left his lips. 

Jacaerys stared at him. He had gotten a good look before, plenty of times, and all he could do was lament how good-looking he was. Cregan had a strong jawline, he kept his beard short and well-groomed. There wasn't much softness on his face but Jacaerys had always considered hard men more attractive. 

Wasn't sure why. 

Cregan mumbled something in his sleep and raised his hand to caress Jacaerys' arm. 

"Morning", Jacaerys said just to be polite. 

"Morning, baby", Cregan murmured. 

"Don't do that"

"No?" Cregan opened his eyes. "Baby is a no-go?"

"You broke my ankle"

"Pumpkin?"

Jacaerys felt laughter bubbling inside. He fought not to let it out - it wasn't fucking funny, it wasn't right. He shook his head. 

"Okay", Cregan said nonchalantly. "I'll figure out a pet name you like"

"My name is Jace"

"I know, sugar"


"You're not funny"

Cregan chuckled and his hand moved to caress Jacaerys' side, dangerously near to grabbing him by the hip. Jacaerys shifted uncomfortably. 

"My leg hurts", he whined to make the touch go away. 

"Sorry. Give me a moment"

Cregan got off the bed and fetched Jacaerys another painkiller and a glass of water. He was quick about it. 

Jacaerys swallowed it down as Cregan adjusted the blankets covering him. 

"Would you like to stay in bed until you feel better?" Cregan suggested. 

"Yeah, I think so"

"I'll get to making breakfast then"

"Cregan?"

"Yes?"

Jacaerys wasn't sure how to go about his questions when Cregan stood in the doorway looking at him. 

"Why do you think you have to look after me?"

Cregan barely moved. 

"Who else would do it? You asked for my help and you became injured under my roof. Think it's my responsibility", he replied. 

"Your brother, you took care of him too before he died?"

Cregan's brows turned to a deep furrow. He leaned his hand on the doorway. 

"Yes, I did", he answered. 

"Is that why you're doing this?"

Jacaerys could tell his questions broke Cregan's understanding of privacy. 

"Get some rest, Jace", was all he said before walking down the stairs. 

That wasn't the worst outcome. Jacaerys moved his ankle and tried to roll it. Any motion mainly hurt but he supposed he had to get used to it. He needed to bite through it. 

After breakfast, Cregan helped him to the couch. Tucked behind the curtain on the windowsill sat a radio. 

"You ever listen to the news?" Jacaerys asked and nodded his head at the radio.

"Sometimes, mostly the weather broadcast", Cregan replied.

"Would you mind?"

"Not at all"

Jacaerys settled comfortably as Cregan switched on the radio. He turned for the frequency twice before the sound came through. It was oddly relieving to hear the voices of other people, even if it was just a random interview of a guy who had found mold in a local school.

Apparently, mold can't grow in new and clean concrete, so some kind of mistake had occurred during the construction. The guy being interviewed strongly implied it was intentional.

After spending days indoors with just Cregan's bad jokes as company, it was the most fascinating thing Jacaerys had ever heard. 

It changed back to the news. Jacaerys didn't immediately pay attention due to the tunes that were playing. 

"...As for the major headlines, we have a missing person's case - Jacaerys Velaryon was reported missing almost a week ago"

Jacaerys' eyes blew wide and his lungs stilled before a gasp could escape him. Cregan moved beside him and reached for the switch.

"No, please let me listen. I beg you", Jacaerys pleaded and clutched Cregan's arm. 

Cregan sighed and sat back down. Jacaerys shifted closer to the radio. He ignored the way his leg ached. 

He heard a familiar voice that twisted his insides into a tight knot.

"My son, Jace, went missing a week ago on the third of November on his way home. He was out helping his younger brother move to his first apartment. Jace's always like that - he's sweet, kind and selfless"

His mother didn't sound like she read from a paper. She never needed to. Rhaenyra went on to list places where Jacaerys had been seen last - the gas station and the lunch place. She requested for anyone to send in any information about him.

"And if someone, under any circumstance, is holding my son from me and his family, I want you to know that Jace would never hurt anyone. He's the most caring individual and the most good-natured boy any parent can hope for. We miss him dearly and we just want him back home"

For a moment, Jacaerys was alone. He scratched the back of the couch. 

His mother praised him to the skies and yet here Jacaerys was, held captive due to his own mistakes. He'd been too sweet, too kind, and too selfless. He was no one's dream child - he had disappointed his mother and left his family to grieve and dread for him.

They'd never find him. He'd never see his mother's face again.

Jacaerys felt a hand on his shoulder. Cregan was still there.

"I know", he said softly. 

"What?" Jacaerys could only whisper, lower lip quivering - the tears were so near he had to stare at the wall, eyes forced open.

"How good you are", Cregan fulfilled. 

Jacaerys' chest ached worse than his ankle. There was no point pretending. He'd crumble if he spent a single moment longer on the couch. Jacaerys forced himself up. 

"I think I want to go back to bed now", he said quietly.

"Okay"

Cregan got up and helped him to the staircase.

"I'm good", Jacaerys refused him any further and limped back to the bedroom on his own.

He pushed the door shut behind him and crawled into bed. 

It was the harsh realization that took him then. Jacaerys would have to look at these same four walls for the rest of his life. He'd be a cripple, kept locked up for the amusement of one man selfish enough to hold him captive. 

His hope was a dying thing. 

The day darkened behind the window. In a place that was slowly becoming foreign. Like a dream world on the other side of the frozen glass.

Jacaerys clutched his pillow and held it against his chest. The feeling inside him squeezed him just as tight, nearly crushing him. He concealed his face and tried to keep calm. It felt like the tears that burned his eyes were inevitable. His breath hitched. 

The creak of the staircase made Jacaerys jump. He quickly wiped at his eyes and tried to bravely sit up. 

Cregan brought him something with the tray. It was a bowl of baked apples with cinnamon and cocoa powder sprinkled on top. The smell made Jacaerys want to sniffle. It was both cozy and delicious. 

The tray was placed on the bedside. Cregan sat down. 

"You want something else?" he asked. 

"No, thanks", Jacaerys said in a heavy voice. 

He reached for the bowl and took a bite of one apple piece. 

"Want me to stay?" Cregan presumed. 

Jacaerys swallowed and leaned back on the headboard. He knew Cregan would accept whatever answer he gave but it was a conflict his mind refused to stop rotating. That lonely part of him was miserable and had lost its fight. Whatever little flame remained, still wanted to hate everything about Cregan, especially the embrace that made Jacaerys feel... better. 

"I don't know", he said quietly.

"Finish your apples, decide after", Cregan offered.

"Okay"

Some sugar didn't change how Jacaerys felt. He kept the bowl on his lap and leaned on the headboard. 

Cregan filled the tile stove with more wood. He left afterward and Jacaerys could hear some noise downstairs. Some chores, housework - Cregan seemed to keep the place tidy and everything fixed up.

Jacaerys ate the apples and put the bowl back on the tray. Next to the glass of water, was another painkiller. He took it more for sleep than anything else. It was an easy choice to feel tired and numb rather than to think about his family. 

His leg didn't hurt, no, but the pain inside was worse by far.

Cregan returned to take the tray.

"You can come", Jacaerys said quietly and motioned to the other side of the bed. 

He couldn't help but feel weak. Like he had failed and given in to a temptation. 

Cregan climbed into bed and they settled comfortably. Jacaerys was slowly becoming used to sharing a bed again. It wasn't exactly something he ever fantasized about - he had just wondered what it might be like to have someone sleep next to him every night. 

Would it be better than sleeping alone or would he miss the privacy? That sort of concern people stepping into a relationship might have. 

Cregan's presence wasn't much of an answer. 

The night they had shared would never slip from Jacaerys' memory no matter how hard he wished it would. They had been together.

Cregan pressed against his back and kept an arm around him. Like they were cuddling. 

It was what could've been if Cregan wasn't insane. Those thoughts haunted Jacaerys relentlessly. He was afraid he was attached to the fantasy. Afraid it clouded his judgment and lulled him into a false sense of security when Cregan caressed his hip. 

"Does that feel nice?" Cregan whispered in his ear. 

"Yeah", Jacaerys replied quietly. 

"Did you need anything before you sleep?"

"No, I'm good"

Cregan hummed in response and pressed closer. Jacaerys could feel his warm breath against his nape. Slowly, lips brushed his skin. It was a subtle motion, short enough to be an accident. 

"Cregan", he warned. 

"I get it. Just cuddling?" 

Jacaerys should've nodded before a knee was pushed between his legs. They became entangled together. Blanket wrapped around, Cregan's hands on him, it was warm and undeniably comfortable. Felt like how he had imagined it. He closed his eyes and let it go.

Slowly, the figure beside him moved. Something hard pressed against his ass. Fuck. Cregan had a boner. 

Jacaerys didn't say anything. Maybe it was an accident, it just happened sometimes, a dick didn't always need a good reason. 

But the hands or the lips didn't move anywhere. Jacaerys felt how ardently Cregan mouthed his neck and how his fingers squeezed his waist. Cregan rolled his hips, rubbing his hard cock against him. It was nowhere near subtle enough for Jacaerys to ignore it. He lay there frozen with apprehension and fear, his poor heart not catching a break.  

"Sorry", Cregan murmured. "I'm making you uncomfortable"

"A little", Jacaerys said awkwardly, couldn't even be grateful Cregan seemed to be aware. 

"Can you blame me for trying? You're driving me crazy"

The compliment made Jacaerys shiver. The hand on his hip squeezed tighter and pulled him closer. Cregan kept kissing his neck, every motion slow and depraved. 

"I don't- think I want this-", Jacaerys wasn't sure how much truth there was in his words or if they held any weight.

But the kisses stopped and Cregan's grip on him loosened. 

"Your call", Cregan agreed and pressed one final kiss on Jacaerys' cheek before withdrawing. 

They lay separately but the restlessness didn't die so soon. Jacaerys closed his eyes and attempted to sleep even when his senses felt like they were on overdrive. His legs were shaky, his whole body was pinned like a wire. 

Cregan adjusted beside him several times. He mumbled a quiet fuck. It was rare to hear him curse but the tossing around eventually came to an end. 

Moments passed and Jacaerys kept motionless. He felt the blanket shift again and Cregan came closer - looked at him, Jacaerys realized, as if to check if he was asleep. Jacaerys was hopeful he pretended well enough.

Cregan rose from the bed and walked into the hallway. 

For a moment, Jacaerys assumed Cregan would go downstairs and sleep on the couch or something - give him space- whatever, but a hint of light came through from the end of the hallway. Jacaerys readjusted. 

Then, he heard the familiar thumping that made him open his eyes wide. Cregan was jerking off. 

Jacaerys blinked rapidly and stared at the ceiling in the darkness. He couldn't tell why the thought felt so absurd to him. Horny brain was dumb, he knew that. Plenty of people got turned on by just cuddling, it didn't mean anything. It wasn't his doing.

He didn't even try sleeping anymore as he listened to the sound. He waited eagerly to hear a grunt. If one was to be heard, Cregan was too quiet. He'd been rather quiet in bed, Jacaerys reminded himself - all coarse groans and murmurs.

Any shame or shock faded quickly. Jacaerys felt warmth gathering in him, little flutters of affection. 

Water ran for a short moment. 

Cregan didn't come back to bed immediately. Once he did, he was quiet and careful settling back under the blankets. Jacaerys expected a kiss or a rub on the shoulder, but he didn't get anything.

Why did he even expect something like that?

It took him a long time to fall asleep.

Chapter Text

The morning began slowly. Jacaerys didn't feel awake the first time he opened his eyes. He blinked lazily and let a sleepy hum go past his lips. He pulled the blanket further.

Cregan slept across from him. A few inches remained between them. Jacaerys was grateful the bed was big enough and Cregan hadn't become too touchy overnight. He remembered what had happened last night and the vividness of those memories made him open his eyes again. 

It felt far more awkward now than last night. 

The bed creaked quietly as Cregan turned around and moved closer to Jacaerys. He was clearly still sleepy - a hand wrapped around Jacaerys without hurry.

"Morning", Cregan murmured in his ear.

Jacaerys mumbled a reply. Too tired and hesitant to answer properly. Warmth kept gathering and Cregan inched underneath the same blanket. 

"Everything good?" the soft voice inquired.

"Yeah", Jacaerys replied carefully.

He let the hands caress his waist. Fingers poked at the bones of his hips.

"You're so tense", Cregan remarked. "And last night you seemed very... uncomfortable with me. Wanted to make sure you weren't creeped out"

"Sorry, I'm just-'", Jacaerys said hesitantly - why was he apologetic again?

He knew he had reason for fear, plenty of it, but some he figured was unreasonable. He was just jumpy. Expected the worst at all times. 

"I thought you'd- force me into it- or something", he said with a dry, awkward chuckle. 

Cregan hummed by his ear with a low voice. 

"I thought about it"

A chilling feeling crawled up Jacaerys' spine. He stilled and he had to bite his bottom lip to stop it from quivering. His voice became small and high-pitched. Must've misheard.

"What?" 

"I thought about it a few times", Cregan repeated.

Small circles were drawn on Jacaerys' body where Cregan's fingers touched him. The voice remained calm, the way someone might talk about the weather, not about rape. Jacaerys wished he could run. Even if this ability was taken from him, his body was still prepared to sprint for dear life.  

"I wouldn't do it. You have the right to autonomy on that", Cregan corrected himself. 

What the fuck, what the fuck? Jacaerys removed the hand from his waist and covered himself with the blanket instead. He couldn't look at Cregan anymore.  

"How is that so different?" he asked quietly.

"What do you mean?" Cregan sounded confused. 

"You broke my ankle. My autonomy doesn't extend there?" 

Cregan sighed and looked up at the ceiling as if looking for words. Jacaerys hoped he found good ones.

"I told you I didn't enjoy hurting you. Forcing you to have sex with me is selfish and unnecessary. It's low"

Cregan had that kind of a voice that could say anything and Jacaerys would believe it. Confident and charming, yet so gentle like talking to a good friend. Someone he shared years of history with. 

And still, he made no fucking sense. 

"You're keeping me here by force. Isn't that selfish?" Jacaerys challenged. 

"I'm trying to take care of you, Jace"

That was the essence of it. Jacaerys didn't even have to walk on his own. He was fed, clothed, bathed, and kept warm at night. That was the perversion Cregan liked and he couldn't see anything beyond it - that was the logic Jacaerys had to learn. 

Cregan wanted to take care of him. Repeating it made no difference. 

"So you won't- ever make me have sex with you?" Jacaerys ensured. 

"I won't make you, doesn't mean that I don't want to"

That was some brutal honesty Jacaerys couldn't afford to misunderstand. 

He had suspected Cregan spent that one night with him just because he needed someone, anyone. Any hole would do for him, to get the edge off. But when Cregan brought himself closer, pressed against Jacaerys, and whispered into his ear, those thoughts disintegrated. 

"You're a pretty boy, Jace. If you ever decide you want me too, I'll happily fuck you stupid any time of day"

It was hanging by a thread, Jacaerys could tell. It was a dark thing, the simple matter of self-control. Cregan could force him, very easily, even. Jacaerys was a cripple, he was smaller and weaker, and the sole touch of Cregan's hand on his hip made him shiver and sigh. It wouldn't be much of a challenge, Jacaerys was sure. Cregan wasn't insane enough, not that way. 

He just broke ankles. 

"I don't trust you anymore", Jacaerys said quietly. 

"I know"

"But I liked it- being with you"

Jacaerys didn't know why he made that confession. He supposed the vicious part of him wanted Cregan to know what he had lost for holding Jacaerys captive, but the other part was far softer. Lonely, abused, taken for granted. He just wanted someone to talk to. 

As he raised his head slightly, Jacaerys saw Cregan smile. 

"I'm glad you did. Maybe you can have that again", he replied. 

They had both lost it. 

"Would you hold me?" Jacaerys asked. 

Cregan responded by pulling Jacaerys closer by his waist and locking his arms around him. They lay still in a spoon, entangled together. Jacaerys felt a kiss be placed on his shoulder. It felt nice - sent a spark of warmth through him. 

Cregan was still crazy about him, in a way Jacaerys liked. That was a tough pill to swallow. 

"This is all I want for now, though", he specified. 

"Your call", Cregan agreed. 

And again, Jacaerys wondered what could've been. Stopping by Cregan's cottage to spend a night with him, to be wanted and cherished, so Jacaerys could return to his ordinary, stressful life with his family. He'd have a gateway. 

Something had changed. It was subtle.

Cregan helped him out of the bed. Jacaerys was cautious as he rose and his healthy foot touched the cold floorboards. He shivered instinctually. 

"Cold?" Cregan asked. 

"A bit", Jacaerys admitted. 

He watched keenly as Cregan opened the closet and pulled out a sweater. 

"Here, might be a bit warmer"

"Thanks"

Jacaerys was used to wearing Cregan's clothes by now. They were warm, wool or cotton, and the scent was nice. 

Cregan took him downstairs and into the kitchen. Jacaerys sat down and watched Cregan prepare breakfast. 

It was an early morning and the ground was covered in snow. Jacaerys stared out of the window. A white mantle had settled above the trees and the vegetation. Beneath, some things were frozen and dead.

"Hope you slept alright", Cregan said as he flipped one of the eggs on the pan. 

"Yeah", Jacaerys had been sleeping very well in the cottage. "I woke up at night once. I think you were up"

"You did?"

"Yeah, briefly"

Cregan didn't seem too concerned. Maybe it wasn't an obvious source of shame. Then again, why should it? Jacaerys felt like such a prude for being stressed over Cregan's masturbation habits. It wasn't his business. 

"Tea?" Cregan presumed and began filling the kettle with water.

"No, I can have coffee"

"Sure"

Cregan sounded surprised but pleased. He served the breakfast and poured Jacaerys a cup of coffee. With milk and sugar. 

Before Cregan sat down, he pressed a kiss on the very top of Jacaerys' head. Brought a hand up and patted down the curls. Much to his horror, Jacaerys realized he instinctually tilted his head toward the touch.

It wasn't bad to feel something other than irritation and pain for once. 

"What do you usually do?" Jacaerys asked.

"Hmm?" Cregan seemed surprised by the question.

"Daily? When you're home?"

"There's always something around the house. Woodwork, reading, hunting"

"How did you get this place?"

"Been in the family"

Cregan knew much more about Jacaerys than the other way around, and that didn't make Jacaerys too happy. He was curious - he should know the man he was forced to live with.

"I get bored lying in bed all day", Jacaerys said.

"What can I do about that?" Cregan asked.

"I want a TV or something"

"Okay, but not in the bedroom"

"Why not? You don't want to watch a drama with me?"

The playful suggestion made Cregan's face soften. 

"You make a valid point", he admitted.

Jacaerys started to feel like he had cracked the code. He finished his breakfast with a good appetite and sipped slowly through his coffee. It still tasted bad, he didn't even know why he had asked for it. Supposedly he wanted to be polite and drink what his host was drinking. Wanted Cregan to like him.

His host- his kidnapper, Jacaerys had to remind himself. 

After breakfast, Jacaerys sat on the couch listening to the radio. He hoped to hear the recording of his mother again or any news on the investigation regarding him but nothing of the sort came up. 

He lay on his back and tried stretching his ankle. He couldn't tell if he was too much in pain to actually dare move or if his leg was just shattered beyond healing. It wasn't a concern he wanted to bring up to Cregan. 

"All my stuff from my car - what did you do with it?" Jacaerys asked when Cregan checked up on him.

A blanket was brought over him and Jacaerys didn't resist.

"It's all here. Did you need something?" Cregan asked.

"No, was just wondering"

Jacaerys couldn't particularly remember what he had brought. He had a small travel bag with some essentials in case he needed to spend the night. And then of course his phone, wallet, and car keys. A laptop he carried around for work. That was about it, but they would all remind him of home. 

It didn't sound like he could have them back without a very good reason. 

"How long have you- lived here?" Jacaerys asked carefully.

"About four years", Cregan replied as he sat down in the armchair.

Four years of solitude.

"Do you go to town often?"

"I run most of my errands there"

"Do your neighbors avoid you? Do you technically even have any?"

Cregan chuckled and shook his head.

"I have neighbors with a few good miles between us. Why?"

Jacaerys hoped he wasn't offending Cregan by prying so much. Then again, Cregan did it too and had asked way more invasive questions about Jacaerys' family. It was deserved.

"I thought they might be a bit intimidated by you", he said.

Cregan's amusement didn't vanish, thankfully.

"I doubt they are. We've exchanged some friendly words"

"You don't ever- see old friends or extended family- anything like that?"

In response, Cregan shook his head absent-mindedly.

"Rarely, just when we have some business together", he muttered. 

Like putting a car in parts. Jacaerys wouldn't forget that.

"Why not?"

Jacaerys wasn't sure if Cregan was actually bothered by loneliness. He seemed to have decent control of his life and things to occupy himself with. It was difficult to believe he was incapable of regular social interaction. Maybe it was more the fear of attachment. 

Holy fuck, he was trying to psychoanalyze the man who had broken his ankle. Jacaerys was trying to sympathize and understand him.

"We went our different ways", Cregan replied dismissively. 

That was too vague to make much out of it. Jacaerys looked at Cregan, searching for eye contact but he received none. 

"That happens", Jacarys agreed.

"What about you, Jace? Who do you open up to?"

"My brothers"

"That's all?"

"Yeah"

Jacaerys had a feeling this was about his dating habits again but Cregan didn't pry for anything particular. He turned the volume higher and settled comfortably under the blanket. It was strange how exhaustion kept lingering about. Jacaerys might've fallen asleep at any given moment.

Sound from the kitchen woke Jacaerys up. The pleasant background noise of the radio was gone, Cregan must've turned it off once Jacaerys had fallen asleep. He limped to the kitchen.

Cregan was preparing food for dinner. 

"Can I help?" Jacaerys asked carefully while leaning to the doorpost. 

His question made Cregan raise his brows in surprise but he didn't seem at all displeased.

"If you really want to. You can peel and cut the veggies", Cregan replied and motioned to the wooden cutting board that was set out.

"Okay", Jacaerys agreed.

The kitchen was rather conveniently structured. Jacaerys didn't have to hop between several counters. He took out the vegetables from the lower department of the fridge and laid them out on the cutting board.

He knew where the knives were and opened the right drawer. Cregan didn't seem at all concerned Jacaerys had a collection of blades in front of him. Seemed too busy seasoning the meat. 

But stabbing wasn't Jacaerys' top priority. He didn't know which one to use. The peeler was easy to spot so Jacaerys started with the carrots. 

Next, he tried scraping the papery peel of the onion with a finger. 

"Press it under your palm, it'll come off easier", Cregan said. 

Jacaerys took the whole onion and pressed it down on the cutting board underneath his hand. The peels came off practically on their own.

"Oh"

It was probably obvious to Cregan that he never cooked. He could load up a rice cooker or an air fryer. That was about it. He wanted to do a good job, regardless. 

Jacaerys thought he cut things up nicely with a bigger knife. He got no compliment but he supposed it couldn't be too bad when Cregan took the cutting board and swiped all the vegetables into the pot with the sliced-up potatoes. 

"Have you liked any of them?" Cregan asked and nodded toward the pot.

The dishes, right, Jacaerys had intentionally withdrawn his feedback.

"I have", he admitted.

"You haven't said anything so I was wondering. You must be used to something different"

"I've liked everything"

"That's good"

It felt like Jacaerys had admitted a weakness. Some moments he was... comfortable.

It became a habit - one they shared together the next morning. 

Jacaerys turned on the radio downstairs. He helped Cregan prepare breakfast with the broadcast as noise in the background. 

"There's gonna be bad weather tonight. I need to run errands before that", Cregan told him while they were eating.

Jacaerys didn't know how he should take it.

"You'll leave me here?" he asked but it wasn't hope that colored his voice.

"Unfortunately"

"In bed?"

"That'd probably be the best place for you. I'll need to leave you in cuffs"

Cregan sounded apologetic about it. That alone didn't make Jacaerys feel any better as he wasn't eager to be abandoned in the hunting cottage. What if Cregan just... didn't come back? He'd be cuffed to a bed alone, a cripple with no connection to the outside world. He'd die of dehydration or starvation. 

He tried to breathe calmly, to not show his panic.

"Okay", Jacaerys replied quietly. 

"It won't take long. Three hours at most", Cregan convinced him.

Maybe that disabling feeling of dread was mutual. Cregan didn't seem excited to leave. There was hesitation in his voice and he kept trying to find eye contact. Jacaerys eluded it. 

"Okay"

"Let's get you upstairs"

Jacaerys was used to bracing on Cregan, he didn't pay any mind to it. Felt almost natural, not painful or awkward as before. He was helped up the stairs and into bed. He settled comfortably with a pillow resting against the headboard - preferred sitting up a bit. 

Cregan took his hand and closed the cuff around his wrist. It was tight and secure. 

"Hey, don't look like that", Cregan said softly and nudged Jacaerys' chin up - he was gentle about it as he was gentle about everything.

The apprehension must've been painfully obvious on Jacaerys' face. He tried to nod bravely.

"I'm good", he was quick to say.

Cregan caressed his cheek. The back of his fingers felt rough but the touch was light. Jacaerys found some comfort in it. 

"Try to get some sleep, okay?" Cregan suggested.

"Okay"

And then Jacaerys was left alone for the first time in days. He was bound to a bed, all alone with nothing to do. As much as it ached, he rolled his ankle while he thought.

What if this was a trick just like the phone? Jacaerys felt like Cregan wouldn't have cuffed him if it was. Maybe it was too risky even for Cregan's taste. 

How in the fuck was he supposed to break himself free?

He ran his fingers on the metal around his wrist. He had to wonder where they were from - the chain was rather long but very sturdy. The key used was small. Jacaerys tried pulling the cuff over his hand but there was not a chance it'd fit over. It made him curse and squirm to even try.

"Fuck"

Jacaerys rose enough to study the headboard of the bed. The other end of the cuff was locked on a beam of wood. It wouldn't break by hand. He would need a knife. 

The hours went by slowly. Jacaerys spent his time thinking. Guilt kept knocking on the back of his head. It hadn't ever quite stopped since he had woken up with a broken ankle. He knew there was no use thinking about his mishaps but his brain was incredibly talented at playing them on repeat. The voice was mocking.

Here's Jacaerys Velaryon taking dick from a stranger expecting nothing bad to happen.

And here's Jacaerys Velaryon asking to cuddle with the said stranger who also broke his ankle with a sledgehammer. 

It was so easy to blame himself. It didn't change anything, it wasn't a very rational thing to do, Jacaerys knew it was just the voice in his head but it was so loud, so powerful. 

Sometimes it sounded like the voice had given up. Accepted this was where he would live and die.

But it was happy when Jacaerys heard the front door open. 

And here's Jacaerys Velaryon, relieved his captor is back to keep him company.

But it was true. Jacaerys nearly kicked at the blankets in joy. He wanted to shout for Cregan to immediately check on him but instead, he heard some clattering and things being moved around downstairs. Were groceries more important than him?

Jacaerys pulled on the cuff painfully.

He stilled himself when the staircase finally creaked and Cregan walked in.

"Manage alright?" he asked with a grin.

"Yeah", Jacaerys said quietly, an answer he knew was a lie.

Cregan freed him from the cuff and gently thumbed over the dent the metal had left. Jacaerys didn't resist, it felt nice to be touched again - reminded someone was there to comfort him.

"You okay? You look a little pale", Cregan remarked and brushed his hand over Jacaerys' forehead.

"I was just- stressed out, I guess", Jacaerys replied quickly.

"Huh. Anything I can do for you?"

"I just want to go downstairs with you"

"That can be arranged"

A smile lifted the corners of Jacaerys' mouth. He took Cregan's arm and let himself be helped up from the bed. 

The frantic pounding of his heart ceased and Jacaerys could finally feel relaxed. 

When the clock downstairs ticked ten, Jacaerys realized it was bedtime. He'd sleep next to Cregan again, feel his warm body against him, and get a kiss of good night on his cheek. It felt almost perverted to fantasize about it.

Cregan drew him a bath and helped him wash up as before. Jacaerys supposed he was getting used to it and good gods, did that scare him. 

They went to bed before midnight. The tile stove was filled with wood and through the lid, Jacaerys could see the flames dancing lazily. He rested his head on the pillow and stared.

Cregan settled next to him, underneath the same wide blanket.

"Warm enough?" he asked.

"Yeah", Jacaerys replied truthfully. 

Slowly, a hand moved under the covers and stroked Jacaerys' side. It was a careful, trying touch. Jacaerys realized his boundaries had shifted. He hadn't pushed Cregan away lately - had probably been quite inviting, in fact. 

They lay in a spoon, glued together.

"I know where you get it from", Cregan said with a playful tone.

"Hmm?" Jacaerys asked.

"I looked up your family today. Your mom is very classy"

"That's not a very appropriate thing to say"

"Case in point"

People didn't compare Jacaerys to his mother much. They usually said his younger brother Lucerys had a better resemblance - physically, that was. Personality-wise, Jacaerys couldn't say, he could only dream. He wanted to be as capable, as unbreakable as his mother had sounded on the radio but here he was, falling into pieces. 

"Didn't know you were all so popular in the tabloids a few years ago", Cregan remarked.

"Mom was"

"Some inheritance scandal, right?"

"Yeah, my grandfather left mom a bigger cut than what her brothers got. They were upset and went to court for years"

"It was wild stuff. People were digging into her relationship history. Is that why you don't date?"

Jacaerys looked over his shoulder to glare at Cregan.

"What's that got to do with me?" he asked, irritated by the implication.

"Just thought it might be connected", Cregan said innocently.

"I don't date much because I don't have the time, okay? Can you stop bringing it up?"

"Okay, if you don't want to talk about it"

Cregan sounded understanding. The hand on Jacaerys' waist began to rub him in a soothing manner. He sighed.

"It's just that I don't want to get caught in a situation like that. My brother Luke, he's very... open, like mom was, and people notice it. I don't want to shame anyone but I guess I'm not as outgoing", Jacaerys explained. 

"I get it. Some people just like things more serious"

"Yeah"

"Does it bother you?"

Jacaerys looked at Cregan again with a raised brow.

"That you didn't get to be with anyone else?" Cregan clarified.

At first, Jacaerys didn't understand the implication. He began to shake his head in confusion until he realized. In Cregan's mind, this was a relationship.

"I don't think we see it the same way", Jacaerys said carefully. 

"How do you see it?" Cregan sounded genuinely curious. "You've never been with anyone else and you never will be"

Jacaerys' mouth fell open. It wasn't fair. He had no one else anymore, no options.

"It's not- like that", he managed to stutter. 

"Well, it's exclusive"

"You're not giving me a choice"

"That's not true. You like it when I touch you and spend time with you. I've never forcefully done it, either", Cregan said, his brows in a frown.

It wasn't a lie, Jacaerys realized. Cregan hadn't forced him into anything physical. He could see why Cregan was offended by that implication. Jacaerys had forbidden Cregan from touching him and sleeping in the same bed with him, and Cregan had obeyed. 

It had only continued when Jacaerys had asked otherwise. Until he hadn't said no anymore. It was wrong to accuse Cregan of anything else. 

"I didn't mean it like that", Jacaerys corrected himself quietly. "I just- it feels strange- I don't know anymore"

Anxiety formed a tight knot in his belly. He couldn't even say why it was there. Cregan hushed him with a soft voice.

"It's okay. I know you feel conflicted"

The hand moved up and rubbed Jacaerys' shoulder. Cregan had a talent for finding where he was most tense. 

"I didn't mean to offend you", Jacaerys whispered.

"None taken"

Jacaerys turned his head around to look at Cregan again as if to make sure the words were true. Cregan didn't look upset, rather lenient, in fact. When wasn't he? He always looked kind and handsome.

"Should we sleep?" Jacaerys asked carefully.

"If you're tired"

"If I'm not?"

Cregan gave him an almost wicked grin.

"Implying something?" he asked.

"Maybe- I'm not sure"

"It's okay, baby. Just tell me when you want to stop"

Cregan brought him closer by his waist. What little distance they had gained while talking, was gone, and Jacaerys could feel how firmly Cregan pressed against his back. Kisses were pressed on his neck, peppered down patiently. That was how Cregan was about everything - never unsure but firm and gentle. 

A hand slipped beneath Jacaerys' shirt, a large palm pressed on his chest. Felt warm and secure. 

Cregan grinded his hips, hard cock pressing against Jacaerys' ass through the clothing. 

Jacaerys was bold enough to turn his head and Cregan's lips immediately crashed against his. They were hot and keen, latched onto him over and over. 

Something clicked in Jacaerys' head like pieces of a puzzle finally coming together. Warmth gathered inside him and curled into an itch for more. He was stupid, he knew, stupid for wanting and surrendering. He shifted his body around, minding his ankle, and Cregan welcomed him into his embrace. As much as he feared and hesitated, Jacaerys couldn't think of a better place. His anxiety was slowly withering away. 

Jacaerys felt his ass squeezed while Cregan probed his mouth with his tongue. It was gentle and suggestive, so tempting Jacaerys kicked the mattress. His erection was almost painful.

The hand slid below his waistband and pulled it down. Jacaerys shook his head free from the kiss.

"No?" Cregan asked him, just an inch away.

Jacaerys didn't know if the answer was as simple as a yes or no. He'd be weak and malleable again if he let Cregan have his way. He'd believe anything Cregan said, fall for any trick. 

It was a window for Cregan to hurt him again.

He shook his head again, eyes lowered. 

"I don't think I want to... fuck", Jacaerys mumbled. 

"That's okay", Cregan whispered against his lips. 

"I feel guilty"

It turned awkward quickly and the excitement hid away. Jacaerys didn't want to feel like he was leading Cregan on, suggesting and flirting if he had no intention of actually having sex with him.

"I'll settle for your mouth", Cregan said playfully and pressed his thumb on Jacaerys' lower lip.

Jacaerys' heart jumped.

"I haven't-", he tried to say.

"You'll learn"

"Okay"

Jacaerys didn't know what exactly made him agree so eagerly but he did, and Cregan lay down on his back to pull down his pants. 

"Come here, you'll be comfortable", Cregan guided him.

Comfortable didn't seem like the right word as Jacaerys crawled awkwardly between Cregan's legs. His eyes were fixed on the rock-hard cock in front of him rather than wondering his life choices. 

It was damn nice, Jacaerys had to admit - long, thick, veiny. He had watched plenty of porn clips with nearly comically sculpted-looking dicks but they never made him eager to give a blow job. He had assumed it just wasn't something he'd like until he pressed his lips on Cregan's cockhead. It was large, felt oddly cool at first as Jacaerys licked hesitantly. He fitted it between his lips and slowly lowered his head. 

Jacaerys didn't dare look up at Cregan. He heard a quiet sigh and a hand came to caress his face - fingers brushed on his cheek and jaw as if to admire him. 

That was encouragement enough for him. Jacaerys' mouth was uncomfortably full, a scent of musk flooding his senses. He couldn't get enough of it, forcing his throat to open up. Spit pooled in his mouth.

Jacaerys slurped eagerly on Cregan's cock while his ass clenched at nothing. He should've let Cregan fuck him delirious instead, it had been so dumb of him to refuse. Now he spread his legs and grinded himself on the mattress while the cockhead nudged the back of his throat. 

"Good boy", Cregan murmured and raked his fingers through Jacaerys' hair. 

Good boy. Fuck. He was such a good boy for obediently sucking Cregan's dick. He had been stingy just to play hard to get, it was only right he got to choke on the cock he wanted in his ass so badly. 

Jacaerys squeezed the base in his hand and tried taking it deep enough to reach that point. It'd make Cregan so happy, he just knew it. He wanted to be a good boy, wanted to earn his praise. His jaw fell slack and his nose touched Cregan's belly. Throat retching, Jacaerys held his ground until the feeling of nausea forced him to pull away. Only for a moment. Jacaerys needed just a good breath of air before he took Cregan back in his warm mouth.

"Gonna cum in your mouth", Cregan said with a raspy voice, and his grip on Jacaerys' hair tightened. 

Jacaerys let out a muffled whimper, happy to oblige. He hurried to bob his head, needed to make Cregan happy and satisfied. 

Hot cum filled his mouth and left Jacaerys swallowing eagerly. He'd never been one of those curious kids to ever try his own come but the taste in his mouth was mainly salty, left him starving for more. He felt good and accomplished after swallowing it all down. 

"Damn, Jace", Cregan said with a blissful grin. "You're a dream"

The praise made Jacaerys want to squirm in joy. He nuzzled his cheek against Cregan's thigh. The dark hairs tickled him but he didn't mind, he just wanted to be closer. 

"Come on", Cregan said and motioned Jacaerys to move.

"What?"

"You have to get off too"

Jacaerys didn't know why it hadn't occurred to him. Suddenly, he flared up in embarrassment. Fuck, he had actually just sucked the dick of his kidnapper. The redness of his face was still easing.

"I- I don't think I want to", Jacaerys hesitated.

"You sure?"

Jacaerys saw how deep Cregan's frown was. 

"I'd like to sleep now", he tried to say. 

"If that's what you prefer"

Jacaerys nodded and climbed back to the spot where he usually slept. Cregan immediately covered him with the blanket and made sure the pillow was in a good position. 

"Good night", Cregan said gently and pressed a kiss on Jacaerys' lips. 

It was a cautious one, as if to try that Jacaerys was still alright kissing him. 

Cregan lay down and wrapped an arm around him, keeping him close but not without some modest space between them.

Jacaerys could only stare at the ceiling. It started curling inside of him again - the guilt and the anxiety. Squeezed him so tight he could hardly breathe. 

"Cregan?" he whispered.

No answer came. Jacaerys turned his head and saw Cregan's eyes were closed. He was already asleep. 

No help would come from there. 

Jacaerys pushed the pillow up and leaned on the headboard. He couldn't lay still with the way the bundle of discomfort sat in his throat. 

They were intimate. Had been throughout the days no matter how Jacaerys tried to deny it. His body was forever printed. Even if he ran, even if he was rescued, Cregan would stay with him in part.

Like a disease that carved its way deeper into his bones. Jacaerys was exposed to it, weaker every day. 

Fuck, he had to get out. Had to get out!

Chapter Text

Sleep didn't do Jacaerys much good, although no sun rays or kitchen sounds bothered him. He woke up on his own when the day was already far. Everything was perfectly quiet. It was gloomy outside and plenty of snow weighed down the tree branches. 

Jacaerys got up to sit and stretched his arms - his joints felt strange and his eyes were especially irritated.

Cregan wasn't in bed anymore. His side was cold and the covers were neat. Maybe that was for the better. Jacaerys didn't want another morning of awkward pet names and cuddling.

As he moved, his ankle hurt more than he felt it should. Maybe the exercise he had tried had been too demanding. He groaned painfully as he forced himself up from the bed. It had never been as difficult before.

The staircase felt like a nightmare to think of.

He heard it creak as Cregan walked upstairs.

"Morning, Jace", he said. "You slept a good while. Hope you don't mind I didn't want to wake you"

Jacaerys remembered lying down in bed long into the night. It was hard to tell when exactly he had fallen asleep as he didn't have a clock in the bedroom. 

"Morning. No, I don't mind", he muttered.

Cregan walked over to him and offered him support. As Jacaerys hesitated to grab Cregan's arm, he realized just how used to it he was. It was rooted in his muscle memory. A personal railing. 

"Does it hurt?" Cregan asked when Jacaerys struggled to even make it to the staircase without gritting his teeth.

"Yeah, it hurt when I woke up", Jacaerys admitted. 

Cregan didn't say anything in response. He hooked his arm below Jacaerys' knees and picked him up. Jacaerys yelped in shock but didn't dare to object when Cregan carried him down the stairs. Instinctually, he wrapped his hand around Cregan's neck and clutched his shoulder to hold on.

He was carried down to the couch. Cregan covered him with a blanket and pushed the coffee table closer. 

A water glass and a painkiller were brought to him, as per usual. Cregan disappeared into the kitchen to presumably fix him breakfast. Or, technically, lunch.

Jacaerys reached to the windowsill and turned on the radio. The light of the living room gave him a headache. It hurt right behind his eyes. He kept the radio on low volume. It was like having a bad hangover. His whole body felt puffy and awful.

Cregan brought him porridge, toast, and a cup of lemon tea. 

"Comfortable?" he asked.

"I don't know if this is comfortable", Jacaerys mumbled as he tried adjusting so he could eat. "I feel sick"

Cregan came closer and brought a hand on Jacaerys' nape. 

"You're a bit warm", Cregan admitted. 

"Yeah?"

"Do you want ice for your ankle?"

"Sure"

Jacaerys didn't see how that would be helpful. Maybe if something was frozen dead it wouldn't hurt. Incredible logic. Either way, he didn't resist when Cregan wrapped his ankle into the cold compress. It hurt like a bitch. Jacaerys hissed between his teeth to suffocate what otherwise would've been a scream. 

It was difficult to eat, even the taste of food made him rather nauseous. Maybe his appetite had finally failed him. 

"Can I have a clock upstairs?" Jacaerys asked. 

"I'll bring up an alarm", Cregan decided.

"And the calendar in the drawer... Can I use it?"

"If you want to"

"Thank you"

"Are you losing time, Jace?"

Jacaerys thought the answer was obvious. Sometimes he heard the date on the radio but he forgot easily and had no way of ensuring he remembered it right. Every day was the same and even though he could somewhat follow the time based on the meal schedule, he didn't like depending on food to tell whether or not it was morning, afternoon, or night. 

Daylight wasn't generous when it snowed. Jacaerys wanted to know the exact hour to stay sane. 

"Yeah", he admitted quietly.

"We can't have that", Cregan promised him. 

Jacaerys managed to finish his breakfast after a good half an hour of turning the porridge with his spoon and crumbling the toast into tiny bits on his plate. 

He lay down on the couch and dragged a pillow under his head. The painkiller was slowly taking effect and Jacaerys could feel the sleep crawling back. 

Maybe it was better to sleep rather than suffer awake. He'd feel better after a couple more hours of more rest.

But that wasn't the case. Jacaerys woke up with his lids heavy and his head aching twice as bad. He had a fever, he didn't doubt that at all. 

The fireplace was crackling in the living room, he was wrapped tightly into the blanket, and still, Jacaerys felt chills. It was cold and uncomfortable. 

Immediately, his thoughts drifted to his ankle. Did he have an infection? Was he going to die?

"Cregan?" he called into the house. 

There was no answer. 

Jacaerys took support from the back of the couch and cranked himself up. It hurt to even sit, every bit of him was swollen and sore. Sleep had only made it worse. 

"Cregan?"

The hunting cottage was dead silent. Jacaerys mumbled out a load of exhausted swear words. Was this really a good time to leave him alone? He held his head in his hands, it felt like a weighed bomb that might explode any minute. 

He limped painfully into the kitchen and reached up the shelf for a water glass. He filled it and drank twice. 

The ache didn't go anywhere, not that he had expected it to, but the dryness in his throat eased a bit. Jacaerys made his way back to the couch. He lay down and drew the blanket over his head to avoid the light. He was burning up but the sweat on his forehead was cold. 

The next time Jacaerys woke up, he had been moved back to bed. He heard the lid of the tile stove be closed. It made a creaking click. 

"Cregan?" he whispered into the darkness. 

"Go back to sleep, Jace", a soft voice replied.

Jacaerys forced his eyes open. It was dark outside. He had missed the whole day. The room was blurry as he tried to rise, the searing pain in his skull too much to take. 

Cregan sat down on his bedside and gently pushed Jacaerys back down. 

"I'm sorry but you need to stay in bed", he said. 

It was his ankle, wasn't it? Jacaerys shut his eyes and let pain twist his face. Gods, he would die. 

"Raise your head if you can. Here", Cregan murmured and gave Jacaerys a tablet.

Jacaerys didn't care what he was taking. He ignored the water glass offered to him and swallowed the medicine dry. 

"Cregan, you promised-", he began but paused when he heard how weak he sounded.

"What's that?" Cregan asked and leaned closer, unable to hear him.

Jacaerys cleared his throat and gathered what courage he had left. He fumbled and found Cregan's hand in his own, squeezing as tightly as he possibly could. It'd help, it would make Cregan see, he had to convince himself.

"You promised to take me to a hospital if this happened", Jacaerys reminded him.

A gentle finger rubbed Jacaerys' hand. 

"That's not true. I can't take you to a hospital, you know that", Cregan replied. 

"You promised. You promised I wouldn't have to suffer and die"

"If you do die, at least you'll be here and not locked away in a hospital where you're just one of many with no one to look after you"

Jacaerys felt his chest cave in. He let go of Cregan's hand and folded on the bed.

"You- you promised", he kept repeating as if that would make Cregan listen.

Cregan only hushed him and pulled the blanket further.

"I didn't mean to sound so out of spirit, Jace. You won't die any time soon. It might hurt now but you'll get better", Cregan convinced him.

Pain and fear made a person angry, Jacaerys knew that, and yet, it did nothing to the boiling he felt in his blood. The words poured out, slurred, and barely cohesive. 

"I felt sorry for you", he hissed. "I sympathized with you- I thought- it wasn't so bad to be with you, and I- I drank that horrible coffee because I thought, for some fucking reason, that you'd like me more"

Cregan brought a hand to caress Jacaerys' face. There was a smile on Cregan's lips but Jacaerys wasn't blind to the grief in his eyes. 

"You don't have to drink the coffee to get me to like you, sweetheart", Cregan said gently.

"I'm not your sweetheart"

"Maybe not but you're getting a little delirious"

Was he? Jacaerys couldn't hear himself. His lids felt too heavy to keep his eyes open. He couldn't lift himself had he wanted to. 

"Go back to sleep if you can", Cregan murmured to him. 

Jacaerys faced the ceiling. The shapes in the wood looked like bottomless spirals.

"Are you staying?" he asked carefully.

"I would even if you asked me to go", Cregan replied.

In relief, Jacaerys exhaled heavily. He couldn't admit what a comfort it was, even as he kept plotting insults to drive Cregan away. No one should want the company of the person holding them captive. 

Cregan brought up his hand to push aside Jacaerys' hair. The curls were getting on his face, he realized. 

"Don't be scared, just sleep now", Cregan encouraged him and pressed a kiss on Jacaerys' hot forehead.

It would be a lie to claim Jacaerys wasn't scared. Loneliness was the worst of his fears.

Jacaerys' fever dreams were dark and hopeless. He didn't fall from a swing anymore. Instead, he tumbled through grim hallways and woods with no destination and no light to show him the way. 

His breath hitched and his lungs ached. It was not easy to reach for words when his throat felt so raw. 

The sheer pain had been dulled by the painkiller. Jacaerys could somewhat understand he was pulled up and a pill was gently pushed between his lips. He swallowed and let his teeth clank on the glass placed there next. 

The water was ice cold. He drank what he could before the glass was taken away.

It was best Jacaerys kept his lids shut. He felt an ache all over, his body was swollen and burning from within. No position felt better than the last.

Hours slipped by. Days could have passed and Jacaerys wouldn't have known.

He forced his eyes open.

A weak light poured in from the window. The room was warm and quiet. Jacaerys searched for Cregan first, but he wasn't there. A chair had been brought up and placed next to the bed. Jacaerys could well imagine that Cregan had set there keeping watch on him.

The water glass was left on the bedside table. Jacaerys reached for it to have a sip. Next to it was a blister pack of medicine. They were shaped differently than the painkillers he had been given. Antibiotics, maybe. 

Jacaerys wanted to trust his initial thought. If Cregan could get his hands on pain medication that was practically morphine, he could probably get antibiotics, too. Another small favor from communal people living in the countryside? He shouldn't be surprised.

Maybe he would get better. 

Jacaerys didn't think he should celebrate it, either.

Wind knocked on the window. It howled madly and swept snow against the glass.

Jacaerys jolted awake in the darkness. He braced on his elbows and drew his lungs full of air. His throat didn't immediately object. 

Cregan slept beside him, hand brought over Jacaerys' waist to hold him. It was a warm place to wake up in, the blanket was tucked around them tightly. 

"Cregan?" Jacaerys whispered and poked at his arm. 

"What is it?" Cregan asked in a tired murmur. 

There was no need for Jacaerys to explain much. Cregan opened his eyes quickly and turned over. Even without a light, Jacaerys could see Cregan looked different - so deeply worried all the fine lines on his face were darker. 

Jacaerys felt a hand on his face, testing his cheek and forehead. Cregan grabbed him and pulled him closer, locking him against his chest under the blanket. The grip was harder than usual. 

"You stopped waking up for a day", Cregan remarked quietly. 

"I was tired", Jacaerys said.

"I know"

Jacaerys let himself be held. He knew that Cregan was tremendously relieved. He could feel it in the way the touch was deprived - how Cregan clutched him like he might be ripped away any moment. 

"Did your brother die at home or in the hospital?" Jacaerys asked.

"Hospital", Cregan replied quietly. 

"Can you tell me more about him?"

"No, Jace, I try not to dwell"

The irony. Jacaerys wasn't done. 

"Isn't that what you're doing?" he asked, challenged. "Living here, keeping me captive, letting me be sick"

"I'm just taking care of you. I don't mind", Cregan murmured. 

Oh, he didn't mind alright. Cregan loved it, Jacaerys was bright enough to realize. The suspicion narrowed his eyes and tensed his body.

"It won't bring him back, you know, coddling me. It won't make anything right", Jacaerys warned him. 

"I know"

Cregan still spoke in a whisper, unoffended.

"If I die, will you kidnap someone else to feed and nurse?" 

That was enough to make Cregan move uncomfortably. And for the very first time, he sounded unsure of himself.

"I wouldn't. Why are you asking these things?"

"I just want to know why you're doing this- I want to know the reason why I have to die in this cabin in the middle of nowhere"

Cregan's arms just tightened around him.

"I've told you why, Jace. You're not safe out there, I can't let anything happen to you", Cregan said gently and pressed a long, attentive kiss on Jacaerys' cheek. "Go back to sleep. You'll get better if you just rest and let the meds do their thing"

Jacaerys suspected he'd actually get better. They'd go back to their daily schedule and live as an isolated couple. Cregan held him because he needed someone to take care of - someone living to fill the hollow of all he had lost. 

That's why Cregan clutched him so hard.

But it hurt to be held so tightly. Cregan would prefer to crush Jacaerys rather than let him go. He'd settle for pieces - bits of broken bone if it came to that, Jacaerys knew. 

He couldn't let it come to that.

The next morning Jacaerys felt a clarity. He was still in pain - it wasn't over, but it had to end. He needed to leave, intact or not.

 
He had to get out. Had to try.

Jacaerys called for Cregan to get his medication, as he was accustomed to calling for him whenever he needed something. He lay in bed bundled in between his blankets. 

Cregan rushed up the stairs for him. He was wearing his coat, must've just come back from outside. 

"Do you feel any better?" Cregan asked immediately. 

"A bit", Jacaerys brushed it off and did as he'd normally do. "Can I get some breakfast?"

"Sure. It'll take a minute"

"That's okay"

Cregan turned to leave.

"Wait, what time is it? You haven't brought me the clock", Jacaerys asked after him.

Cregan reached into the pocket of his coat and checked his phone.

"Eight fifteen. Do you want to come downstairs?"

Jacaerys knew he couldn't hesitate. Cregan had been so worried about him, he was bound to be more forgiving, more prone to mistakes. There was joy in Cregan's entire demeanor. Jacaerys couldn't stand it. This was the best opportunity he would ever get. 

"Yeah", he agreed.

He wasn't given an opportunity to limp down himself. Cregan picked him up from the bed and with not too many options, Jacaerys clutched his shoulder. 

Being carried around like a disabled toddler would never be on Jacaerys' bucket list. 

Cregan left him on the couch as he had done the other morning. Wrapped him in blankets and made sure the pillow was nice and comfortable under Jacaerys' head. 

The air didn't feel so stuffy today. Jacaerys could breathe it in and feel alive. 

He watched Cregan leave his coat in the hanger by the front door. Jacaerys wasn't sure how quickly he could limp over.

Today he wouldn't turn on the radio. Jacaerys couldn't get distracted. He had to get the phone and call for help. If he managed to get even a second-long emergency call, someone had to at least check on it. Wouldn't matter if he was dead or alive then. Small steps.

"Here you go", Cregan said kindly as he set out the breakfast on the coffee table in front of Jacaerys.

"Thanks"

"I made you tea"

Jacaerys stared at Cregan's peculiar expression. Why did he say it like that?

"Thank you", Jacaerys repeated himself before he began to eat, braced on his elbow.

Cregan sat on the couch next to him and carefully raised Jacaerys' legs on his lap. Jacaerys didn't object. It felt nice when Cregan caressed his healthy ankle. Soon enough, the warm hands began to massage his foot. 

"Cregan", Jacaerys warned him. 

"No? You don't like it?" Cregan asked and his hand stopped.

Cold settled on the spot Cregan's touch had previously warmed. Jacaerys squirmed in discomfort but didn't try to get away.

"Sorry- keep going", he muttered.

And Cregan did. 

"Not used to being touched like this?" Cregan boldly presumed. 

"Not really"

Jacaerys was truthful about it. He didn't receive any pampering or particularly even look for it. Hell, usually he'd be the one asked to give a massage. It was against his very nature to be kept in bed all day. Made him restless.

 
But it felt so good. 

"That's okay", Cregan said.

The warm hands rubbed away all the soreness. Jacaerys put down the tea cup and lay back against the pillow. He wanted to close his eyes and drift back asleep. That's what his body wanted, to be left in care - to be completely oblivious to everything that fell apart around him.

Jacaerys eased and let his eyes fall shut. It was gradual, so tender he didn't immediately even realize he had an erection. 

Discreetly, he gathered the blanket on his lap to hide the tenting. Cregan didn't seem to notice.

Jacaerys blamed the fever, though he felt none so high anymore.

"You're just not used to it yet", Cregan said absent-mindedly.

"Pardon me?" Jacaerys couldn't remember what they had been talking about.

"You're not used to being taken care of yet. That's why you argue so much"

"I haven't been held captive before"

Cregan chuckled.

"You know what I mean", he remarked. 

"Yeah, I know", Jacaerys agreed - there wasn't much point in arguing. 

"Were you happy?"

"What?"

"With your life in the city and all?"

Jacaerys narrowed his eyes at Cregan. It felt offensive, brought down his erection, thank fuck. As if Cregan would care about his happiness, previous or current. Being deprived of medical treatment was a medieval torture method, Jacaerys was quite sure.

"I was. Very happy", Jacaerys said adamantly. 

How could he give a different answer? How could Cregan expect his answer to be anything else?

Cregan nodded and that was the end of it. He didn't ask anything else nor did he look particularly affected by the answer. But it so happened that Jacaerys had learned Cregan never showed what he was thinking. It was all hidden. Neither of them were honest with each other.

"My leg didn't hurt this much in the city", Jacaerys tried to joke about it.

"Want to give the sauna a try?" Cregan suggested.

Perfect. Jacaerys looked up at Cregan and tried to smile.

"Yes, please", he said in the sweetest voice.

The affirmative answer seemed to please Cregan. He took the breakfast tray back into the kitchen before disappearing behind another corner. 

Now. Now. Now!

Jacaerys cranked himself up, the coffee table as support before he reached for the wall. He limped quietly, teeth gritted together so hard his entire jaw was clenched in place. Couldn't let out a sound.

The hanger by the front door was closer than he had estimated. Jacaerys was willing to run a marathon. 

He reached into the pocket and fished the phone out quietly, hand shaking so badly he wondered if he would drop the damn thing. 

It wasn't turned off. 

Jacaerys' very fingertips turned numb as he dialed the emergency number. The phone vibrated in his hand, a low rumble of hope. The screen turned blue and began to call. It rang twice and Jacaerys' heart skipped as many beats. 

He heard footsteps. Didn't matter anymore. He'd die, that was certain. But everyone died someday, at least he had done what he could to survive. 

"Jace?"

The numbers indicating the length of the call appeared. 

Jacaerys heard the door creak before Cregan's arms closed around him. He tossed the phone across the room. It slid on the floorboards and collided with the wall. 

With blunt force, Jacaerys was pushed back and he tumbled to the floor, unable to keep his balance or reach for support. He cried out when his bad ankle hit the hard ground. Cregan rushed after the phone, picked it up, and slammed it into the brick wall. Jacaerys heard the sound of alloy breaking.

He turned on his belly and began crawling away. He didn't know where - it didn't matter. Fights didn't end in surrender. The floorboards shifted into a warm, dark carpet. Jacaerys' heart pounded - got in those few remaining pumps for good measure. 

"Did you have to?" Jacaerys heard Cregan yell after him.

It was an angry, broken voice, the kind Jacaerys hadn't heard from Cregan before. His hair was yanked from behind as Cregan roughly turned him around on the floor. A cold fury widened Cregan's eyes. 

"Yes- I had to try", Jacaerys admitted, desperate and out of breath. 

That was the simple truth. Jacaerys didn't care if he never had a real chance. It was enough to try. He wouldn't settle for this life and become but a shell of what he had once been. They could never be anything else together. 

"The call went through, they'll investigate", Jacaerys said frantically. "You'll have to kill me now or they'll find out what you've done!"

He saw that Cregan's teeth were bitten together, his face twisted in anger. The reasoning did nothing. Cregan shook his head at him.

"No, no, no", Cregan finally sounded like the lunatic Jacaerys knew he was. "I was so worried, Jace- and you did this- how can you be so cold?"

Jacaerys tried to raise his hands to protect himself but he was too late. Cregan struck his fist down so hard Jacaerys' lights went out.

All space was filled with a hollow, thick humming. It was the echo of a blunt ache that kept Jacaerys disabled. He tasted blood on his tongue - savory and old. 

There were tears in his eyes. They rolled down the sides of his face and tickled his hairline. 

Once the noise in his ears ceased, Jacaerys listened. He lay in silence, his entire body somewhere beyond his reach. Given, that he didn't try very hard to move. There wasn't a point anymore.

The weight on the bed shifted and something wet pressed on the side of his head. It was more cold than wet, in fact, when Jacaerys really concentrated on the sensation. He opened his eyes. For a moment, what he saw was blurred by tears. He was still in the familiar bedroom. Not whatever place came after death. Alive.

Jacaerys tried to wipe at his eyes but his right hand felt too numb. His fingers were wrapped in a bandage. No will made them move, they only hurt when he tried. Broken. They were broken. As punishment. 

"I realized walking wasn't your issue, but I saved you the trouble of being awake", Cregan's voice spoke calmly beside him.

What mercy. 

Jacaerys crumbled and let out a nearly hysterical cry. Tears descended his cheeks with an abundance. 

"Shh, don't cry", Cregan whispered.

The mattress dipped when Cregan reached closer and brought Jacaerys into his embrace. His head lulled on Cregan's chest and the warm arms shut around him. Jacaerys had no will to try and escape.

A large thumb wiped his wet cheek. 

"You need to stop these stunts. You'll never be happy again if you keep sabotaging yourself", Cregan continued. 

"I didn't do this to myself-", Jacaerys stuttered with a sob.

"Hush now"

That was a command easy to obey. Jacaerys pressed his lips together only for the lower one to quiver so hard it was no good. The sobs ripped right through him in shudders. 

In the end, he supposed, Cregan was right. It was pointless to pretend this wasn't his own fault. He had turned the steering wheel.

Jacaerys had made his bed and now he'd lie in it.

And right there next to him, would be Cregan. 

Chapter Text

The days passed in a fog. 

Jacaerys was propped up to sit while Cregan poked the spoon on his lips. With disgust, he opened his mouth and swallowed down the soup. He'd eat himself if his left hand wasn't so shaky. 

"There", Cregan said when the dinner was finished. 

Jacaerys didn't express his gratitude. He ran his tongue along the inside of his mouth to look for the taste. None, still. He wasn't sure whether that was due to him still feeling sick or if the painkillers had taken away all sensation. Everything seemed to numb him these days. 

Couldn't complain.

"Jace?"

The direction of the voice was the last place Jacaerys wanted to look. A hand came down to rub his shoulder. Jacaerys was too exhausted to ask for Cregan to stop. Every time, Cregan found another way to keep his hands on him. Little pats here and there. 

"What?" Jacaerys asked, hollow and silent.

"I'll get you the TV today", Cregan said gently.

Everything was soft and kind again. Cregan didn't raise his voice, didn't handle Jacaerys roughly or even thoughtlessly. But it didn't conceal the black bruise on the side of Jacaerys' face. Didn't fix the broken fingers of his right hand or heal his ankle. 

Jacaerys might have traded all of those to feel some warmth in his chest again. 

"I don't want it anymore", he declined.

"Nonsense, you were so excited about it"

It didn't matter how adamantly Cregan tried to act dismissive. Jacaerys could hear that he was upset, too. They must've been so close to that dream relationship, if only in Cregan's mind and nobody else's. 

Jacaerys shook his head.

"No, thank you", he sighed. 

"I'll install it anyway. Just in case you change your mind"

Jacaerys rolled his eyes at Cregan's hopefulness. What were they to do? Watch a horror movie and cuddle in bed while Jacaerys could hardly move from the pain he was in? The mattress dipped when Cregan sat beside him.

"Jace?" he asked again. 

Careful like Jacaerys would bite, Cregan brought a hand to his jaw and turned Jacaerys' head to him as gently as a man could. Jacaerys stared at Cregan, eyes dulled by the fatigue. 

"I did wrong", Cregan admitted.

"What did you do wrong?" Jacaerys wondered - which one of his broken bones was a step too far?

"I let my feelings get the best of me"

Ah, yes. Cregan's outburst was the crime. Some of his regret was genuine, no doubt. Cregan's brows were in a deep frown and the hardness in his eyes was not a cruel one but sad and ashamed.

"Nothing I didn't expect", Jacaerys said without looking elsewhere.

"I won't trouble you with my faults but I wanted you to know that I'm not proud"

The anger inside of Jacaerys, blind to logic, would have called Cregan a liar but it was exhausted to powerlessness. Just a little simmer was left. Jacaerys could hear how tough those words were on Cregan, how they got caught in his throat and emerged hesitantly. Weighed by remorse.

Good. Fucking good. The ice cracked when it was rammed relentlessly enough. 

"I don't want us to sleep in the same bed anymore. I don't feel safe", Jacaerys decided - hit where he knew it'd hurt. 

Cregan's expression was almost pained but he nodded understandingly. It looked forced. His entire neck was tense. 

"Alright", was his quiet agreement. 

Jacaerys felt twisted glee as he watched Cregan get up from the bed. They wouldn't sleep together anymore, they wouldn't touch each other. Jacaerys might just go insane between the four walls of the bedroom but he would rather be mad than become a doll for a grown man to play with. 

Cregan stood next to the bed for a moment, hesitating as if he still had something to say. Much to Jacaerys' relief, he took the tray and left the bedroom. 

On the third day, Jacaerys felt able to go downstairs again.

He knew the stages of grief. Somewhere down the road came acceptance. He'd have to accept that this was his home now. His family was gone - he would never see them again. 

The injuries might never heal. Jacaerys was quite sure whatever damage had been done to his head and heart was far more prone to aching than a broken bone. 

Jacaerys adjusted the volume of the radio. That was a task simple enough for his non-dominant hand. He could do basic things with it - pull on his clothes, have a glass of water, brace on the railing, and turn the pages of a book. 

Cregan brought him a cup of coffee at his request. Jacaerys watched him pour the milk and spoon in a cube of sugar. The dark and bitter color changed into a more pleasant one. 

The coffee still wasn't good but Jacaerys drank a cup in the afternoon when Cregan did.

Cregan sat in his armchair by the fire and Jacaerys lay on the couch. 

There was a new broadcast on the radio that Jacaerys found hilarious. It was essentially just comedy. 

"What do you instinctually do when you're going home alone at night and you see a group of suspicious-looking people approaching? Well, you swap to the other side of the road as if they only mug people on their side"

Jacaerys laughed so hard that the coffee was in danger of coming back into the cup. He tried to keep his composure. In the corner of his eye, Jacaerys could see Cregan's mouth twitch. He heard a quiet scoff. 

Any bit of humor was a delight. Jacaerys managed to gulp down the drink. He lay down and pulled the blanket further once the show ended. 

Jacaerys looked at his right hand. His thumb was somewhat responsive, but his index and middle finger wouldn't stop hurting. 

"Can I take a look?" Cregan asked.

"Why would you want to?" Jacaerys wondered out loud and moved his hand underneath the blanket.

"I want to know that you'll be alright just as much as you do. I pushed your fingers in place, they'll heal, they're not dislocated"

The hypocrisy was the only thing that still sparked Jacaerys' fire.

"You've put me through unimaginable pain so I wouldn't be able to leave. Will you keep hurting me until I no longer want to go? Is that how this works?" Jacaerys asked.

He heard Cregan get up and approach the couch. Jacaerys turned his head away when Cregan sat down beside him, even as Cregan looked directly at him.

"I never meant for it to go this far", Cregan told him. "I lost control, I hate to admit it but I did"

There was deeply-rooted pain in his voice, the sort Jacaerys desperately wanted to ignore. He glimpsed up at Cregan - just for a quick look so whatever made his heart pound so hard wouldn't twist into empathy. Then he turned away again.

"You gave into one selfish impulse", Jacaerys recalled.

"Yes", Cregan replied.

"You ruined my life and your own"

"I don't agree"

"Yes, you must be so happy with me now"

Jacaerys tasted his own poison on his tongue. It was conceited and mocking as it dripped on every word he spat out. Cregan just wanted a replacement for his dead brother. Any dark-haired boy would do and still, Cregan talked about Jacaerys like he was a godsent. 

"I do want to live my life with you. You can't say it's ruined. The guilt I can deal with", Cregan remarked.

What a marvelous job Cregan was doing with his guilt. Jacaerys wasn't sure he knew what kind of an imaginary friend that was supposed to be. 

"Did you torture your brother like this?" Jacaerys snapped.

He watched color flee from Cregan's face. 

"What?" Cregan asked bluntly.

The shock was just gasoline. He had to keep pouring, poke another hole into the container.

"Did you break his legs when he wanted to go out and see his friends? Did you chain him to the bed too?"

"Stop it, Jace"

"Did you touch him when he slept? Give him so many painkillers he couldn't fight you when you climbed in his bed and raped him?"

"Stop it!"

The cottage went quiet after Cregan's shout stopped ringing in Jacaerys' ears. 

Jacaerys dared to look at him. Cregan's eyes were dark, his expression just a horror of its own - infuriated and shocked. It began to wane. Cregan lowered his head and the ire slowly turned to plain displeasure.

"You're just talking. You don't know anything about me", he finally said bitterly.

"I think you've shown me enough", Jacaerys decided and turned on his side to get away from Cregan's glare. 

Cregan got up and left. The stairs creaked. Jacaerys pushed away the knot of regret. He knew what he said was hurtful beyond measure. But what did Cregan think would happen? That he wouldn't strike back after all Cregan had done to him?

Maybe the fight in Jacaerys was dead but he might as well kill as much of Cregan's. It was only fair.

The stairs creaked again and Cregan came down. He was fully dressed to go out. He checked something in the kitchen before leaving from the front door with a slam. 

Jacaerys got up on his elbows and listened. He heard the car engine get turned on. He limped his way to the kitchen window barely in time to see the truck on the yard drive off.

He was left alone. Why? 

The tracks pressed into the snow. For a fleeting moment, he saw himself crawling out onto the road and waiting until someone found him. It might be anywhere between hours and days. All the times he had sat in the kitchen with Cregan, Jacaerys had heard another car pass by only twice. He could freeze to death and be done with it.

But he did not move. 

Jacaerys drew the curtains to block the daylight. It irritated his eyes after sitting in the dark for a couple of days. 

He limped back to the couch where Cregan slept his nights and bundled back into the blankets.

When he woke up, hours had passed. The fireplace was slowly reducing to a smolder. 

"Cregan?" Jacaerys called into the darkness. 

None of the lights were on. Cregan hadn't returned, Jacaerys could tell without limping into the kitchen window to check if the car was there. The cottage was never dark and quiet if Cregan was around. 

Jacaerys sat up. The woods around the cottage were so dark that Jacaerys could hardly make out the shape of the trees. A cold wind howled outside, strong enough to shudder the woods. He could tell by the sound alone.

The realization hit him hard when he looked into the night and imagined all sorts of horrifying things that might creep in the snow. He was alone in the middle of nowhere. Abandoned and alone, with no clue when Cregan would come back. 

Jacaerys limped over to the basket of wood and tossed a log into the fireplace. Fortunately for him, the dying flames gave away a happy crackle. 

The clock on the wall ticked seven. They usually had dinner around this time. Jacaerys' stomach grumbled at the thought. He had become used to the daily meal plan instead of the snacks and coffees he'd pick up before going to the office every day. It felt foreign to be hungry. 

Jacaerys made his way to the kitchen and turned on the lights. It made no logical sense but he was safer with the curtains covering the window. It was the lonely, vulnerable people who became victims of crime of every sort. Jacaerys had learned that well enough. He would've preferred the company of the mentally insane person he knew rather than to have a stranger knock on the door at midnight. 

That was enough for Jacaerys to limp and check that the front door was locked. It was. 

In the kitchen, Jacaerys pulled out a container and collected whatever snacks he could find - he sliced bread, peeled some fruit, and scooped up the baked potatoes and veggies left over from yesterday's dinner. Jacaerys was familiar enough with the kitchen by now to find his way to everything he needed. There'd be meat in the freezer if he wanted to make a proper dish. He was far from starving. 

They had cooked together plenty, after all. 

Jacaerys took his findings to the staircase. He placed the container on the stairs before climbing up himself. The darkness made everything twice as difficult. It was more inconvenient to have his hand bandaged up, he found. Jacaerys was able to place plenty of weight on his ankle by now but the railing still made moving around so much easier. Although, it had always been his right hand to brace on it. 

Half of his fingers just hurt too much to use. Cregan had said they'd be fine. Jacaerys yearned for even a pinch of that stupid, heartless optimism. 

Jacaerys switched on the night lamp on the bedside table. Its blue light brought him some familiar comfort. It never failed to remind him of his first night together with Cregan. Mocked him for being so naive. 

The bedroom was nice and warm. Jacaerys sat down and ate in bed.

After he was done, he limped into the bathroom to wash up. His ankle was stable enough for him to manage in the shower alone. 

Next to the night lamp sat the alarm clock. It ticked ten. According to the calendar, nearly a month of Jacaerys' life had slipped away.

He crawled between the blankets and settled comfortably. The other side of the bed was empty and cold. Jacaerys had enough space to sleep right in the middle if he liked. 

There was a difference, he realized. He thought he had quite enjoyed sleeping alone but tonight it felt awkward. Cregan was usually downstairs if Jacaerys needed something. All he had to do was call for him even if they didn't share the bed anymore. 

Jacaerys closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

He nearly jumped up when he heard a sound downstairs. It wasn't a proper creak, more like a quiet snap. 

"Cregan?"

Jacaerys wanted to kick himself for whispering that out loud. It wasn't him, obviously. Why would he even think so?

The sound didn't stop there. Jacaerys cranked himself up and limped to the staircase. He tried looking for the light switch again but he never paid enough attention during daylight to memorize where it was. 

The fireplace created rippling shadows on the floorboards. The sound became more distinct but he still couldn't make clear of it. Some of it was covered by the crackling of fire. But that wasn't it.

Jacaerys walked into the kitchen. Strange light reflected on the opposite wall. Jacaerys held a hand on his chest as if to stop his heart from popping out. 

Fuck. It was the fridge door he had left open by accident. The snapping sound came from the plastic. 

Jacaerys took a deep breath and pushed it shut. He was frightened to death by a fucking fridge. 

Why hadn't Cregan come back yet? It was so late. His errands never took this long. Something must've happened. Cregan didn't seem like the type of person to storm out of an argument just because he was offended. Jacaerys had said plenty of nasty things to him and none of them had warranted this kind of behavior, that was for sure. 

Either way, he had to manage. 

Jacaerys returned to the bedroom and lay down.

Dreams avoided him. He wasn't spared even a hint of sleep. He turned on his side and brought the pillow against his chest. 

Something uncomfortable squirmed inside of him. Jacaerys lay awake long into the night, waiting to hear the car drive back into the yard - waiting for the front door to open. 

Jacaerys turned and checked the alarm. One in the morning. His chest felt so tight he had to sit back up.

Would Cregan not return? Had something happened? Jacaerys resisted the urge to pace around the room. He should've made himself some tea to calm the fuck down. 

Jacaerys got up and walked over to the closet. He pulled out one of the wool sweaters and brought it to bed. It was substantial, something he could hold and squeeze. Jacaerys thought it was corny to cuddle someone's clothes but this was an emergency. 

Besides, he wore them, too. It didn't count. 

Jacaerys covered his pillow with the sweater. He fell asleep, face buried in it.

In the morning, Jacaerys got up to sit immediately when he woke up.

"Cregan?" he called into the cottage.

There was no answer. Cregan must have returned at night. Must have. Jacaerys called again but only silence responded to him.

It was then he truly began to panic. Jacaerys forced himself up from the bed and stumbled downstairs. When he looked out of the kitchen window, he half-imagined the car in the yard. It wasn't there. The snow was fresh, there were no tracks whatsoever. 

This was beyond cruel. Jacaerys was certain Cregan had done it on purpose just to fuck with him, to prove a point Jacaerys couldn't manage without him. A part of it was no doubt true but Jacaerys refused to play the part of a crippled bedridden doll. 

A good morning started with breakfast. He pulled out a pot, measured the oats, and stirred up the porridge. Given he had no idea how to toast the nuts as Cregan usually did, Jacaerys settled for throwing in dried fruits. Same shit. 

He ate and stared out of the window. 

Why did it feel so uninviting? The outside?

Jacaerys should've been elated. He should've stolen a coat from the hanger, wrapped himself into a scarf, and ran away. Stood on the road waiting for a car to pass him, made his way to the next house down the road, anything. 

Wasn't that what Cregan wanted? An excuse? Yes. Jacaerys had to be trustworthy. Had to show Cregan he wouldn't be that predictable. The hand that held the spoon began to shake. It was already annoying enough to eat with his left hand. 

Jacaerys felt his chest squeezing. It hurt to sit. It hurt to breathe. He let the spoon fall into the bowl. 

Had to lay down- had to lay down-

Jacaerys crawled to the floor and leaned his head on the door of one of the lower cabinets. He was suffocating from within. A black hole right beside his heart was sucking in all of his will and energy. He held himself tightly as he sat on the floor and tried to keep himself together. But some things were beyond mending, and Jacaerys was dangerously close to that point. 

With his heartbeat a restless drum, Jacaerys crawled back upstairs. He closed the door and lay back in bed, where he had begun to belong. 

He hid his face into the sweater and let himself keep falling apart until sleep collected whatever was left of him. 

The day passed. Jacaerys glimpsed up and saw darkness peeking in from the bedroom window. 

Then, it happened. The front door opened - the familiar sound he had expected. 

Jacaerys' eyes widened and he jumped up to sit. The front door closed. He heard steps and clattering from downstairs. 

The stairs creaked and Cregan opened the bedroom door. His expression was restful as he looked around the room as if to check everything was in order. It was - of course it was. Did he think Jacaerys had turned the house into a mess?

"You came back", Jacaerys was the first to break the silence.

The pounding in his chest finally stilled - all of him eased. 

"Yes", Cregan said with a frown. "What did you think?"

"You left without saying anything"

"I know. I wasn't sure you'd stay put, I'm glad you did"

"Where did you go?"

"Hunting"

Jacaerys supposed it made sense.

"What did you hunt?" he asked.

"Grouse"

Tough birds to shoot. Jacaerys only nodded.

"Get any?" he forced himself to ask, to hear more of Cregan's voice. 

Cregan took a step closer, eyes wandering all over Jacaerys. He ignored the question - rude and unlike him.

"Are you alright?" Cregan asked instead. 

Jacaerys looked up at Cregan. Why? Did he look like a mess? Jacaerys tried to even his breath. 

"I didn't mean what I said then. After you left I- I was worried", Jacaerys admitted quietly.

He stared down at his hands on his lap. It brought him shame now to have said all the horrible things, knowing they were possibly the worst accusations Cregan had ever heard. 

Cregan walked to the window and looked outside into the woods.

"I shouldn't have left you alone. I needed a moment to myself, so I could think", he muttered.

"And what did you think?"

"About how I could make it up to you - what I did"

Cregan tapped his finger continuously on the windowsill. It didn't seem like he had found a solution, and Jacaerys knew the one he'd propose was no good for Cregan.

"But I want you to know I never hurt my brother", Cregan continued.

Jacaerys nodded slowly. 

"I know. You must have really cared about him"

"I did"

"Did you ever try getting help?"

Cregan turned to him with a frown.

"Help?" he repeated. 

"Grief counseling?"

"A couple of sessions. It did help, for the time being"

It sounded genuine. Jacaerys could very well imagine it. On the outside, Cregan didn't seem like a person who struggled on an emotional level. He was observant, carried the conversation with confidence, and had a comedically unfunny sense of humor. No one could guess what kind of baggage he carried.

"Did you blame yourself?" Jacaerys asked carefully.

"I think it was more the helplessness than the guilt", Cregan replied. 

"Maybe you could try again- the grief counseling"

"And what if it works?"

"Isn't that the point?"

Jacaerys wasn't sure if the twitch in the corner of Cregan's mouth was quite a smile enough.

"I can't complain much about my life, Jace. You've let me be with you"

They could've been a couple. Such a good one. Jacaerys had begun to despise that dream more than anything, and yet he saw it each time he closed his eyes. So tender, still so relentless.

Jacaerys' lower lip quivered. Why hadn't he left? Why- why was he still here?

"I wanted it- so badly", he bursted suddenly with a strangled sob. "But you gave me no choice- if you had just let me see my family we might've worked it out together"

"I know", Cregan sighed.

An eternal tug-of-war. Jacaerys couldn't surrender no matter how easy it'd be to just fall in Cregan's arms and never care for the world outside again. But he had- oh fuck, he had given up. He had stayed because no one left their home to just sit in the snow and watch cars drive by. 

"So this is what it'll be like? You'll keep breaking pieces of me until I let you have your way?" Jacaerys asked, terrified.

"No", Cregan was quick to reply. "I lost my temper- I was devastated you took the phone. It won't happen again, I know neither of us will make that mistake again"

"You thought I betrayed your trust"

"Yes, I was a little too hopeful"

Jacaerys didn't argue about it. 

"I'm surprised nothing came of the call", he admitted, reminiscent of his final attempt.

"That's not true"

Jacaerys raised his head but it wasn't hope that widened his eyes. He was surprised by the honesty.

"Two police officers came here when you were asleep, sometime after the call. I told them the call was an accident and they left", Cregan explained.

"Oh"

"It must disappoint you"

"I will be dead to my family"

"It's for the best"

Maybe. Maybe it was better to think Jacaerys was dead. He wouldn't want anyone to know the truth. 

Jacaerys looked into the void. One dark corner in the room was enough. 

So, that's it, then?

"Did you manage alone?" Cregan suddenly asked.

Jacaerys shook his head. He couldn't bother lying about it. Everything had been so miserable alone. Especially at night. 

"Don't worry, I won't leave you alone like that again", Cregan promised him.

"Thank you"

"I'll let you rest now"

"Wait-", Jacaerys requested before Cregan had a chance to leave. "I'd like you to stay"

For a while, Cregan just looked at him. Jacaerys began to suspect Cregan didn't want to share the bed anymore. Maybe the insult was just too much.

"Let me shower first, okay?" Cregan requested finally.

"Okay", Jacaerys agreed.

He knew he shouldn't have asked. Shouldn't encourage him. But the damage was done and Jacaerys didn't feel nearly as guilty as he should have. 

"Want to join?" Cregan asked, a glint in his eyes.

The fucking audacity.

"No thanks", Jacaerys replied.

Cregan gave him a curious look before he disappeared into the hallway. Soon, water began to run in the bathroom. 

Why had he condemned himself to this? Because there was no other option. It wasn't all bad. The bed would be warm tonight. Jacaerys had something other than a sweater to cuddle. Oh fuck- the sweater. He quickly shoved it underneath his pillow. 

He heard another creak from the stairs before Cregan came back. Cregan had brought his blanket from downstairs with him. It felt unlikely they'd sleep under separate blankets. That never worked out. 

Jacaerys watched as Cregan made his side of the bed. Cregan wore a flannel and boxers, his hair was left dry. Maybe it was a matter of rush. 

"You managed to eat alright?" Cregan asked while settling in.

"Yeah, just fine", Jacaerys replied.

"I could've made you late dinner"

Cregan's hand found Jacaerys' hip underneath the blanket. The touch was gentle, not even a proper grab.

"I'm fine, really", Jacaerys affirmed but didn't try moving away.

Cregan appeared to believe him. Jacaerys felt the hand move in light brushes.

"I did miss you, you know", Cregan admitted.

"I'm sure you did"

"Is the feeling mutual at least?"

A need to swallow pressed on Jacaerys' throat.

"I was lonely", he replied.

"I believe that's a yes"

"Believe what you want. I know I'm not special to you"

Cregan looked at him - bewildered. 

"What makes you think that?" he asked as he leaned on his elbow.

Wasn't it obvious? Jacaerys rolled his eyes. He was just a replacement for Cregan's loss and guilt. Nothing more. He wasn't some great love discovered through a chance encounter. He wasn't special to anyone, definitely not to Cregan who might've settled for anyone with a minor resemblance to his passed-away brother.

"It was convenient for you when I showed up"

"Convenient?"

That was the word. Jacaerys just happened on him and Cregan took advantage. A real opportunist. Jacaerys was naive and gullible enough to be tricked into a stranger's bed. 

"I think you just wanted a hole to fuck", Jacaerys said defensively. 

Cregan frowned whenever he was undermined, it seemed. He rubbed Jacaerys' hip even as he looked slightly offended. 

"Is that what you're angry about? You made a pretty good one", Cregan said, voice deep and serious. 

As soon as Jacaerys registered what he heard, his cheeks turned red as a rose. He could feel the heat on his face. It wasn't even an overwhelmingly positive comment - he was a pretty good hole to fuck. Jacaerys turned his head away and watched as Cregan's fingers moved back and forth on his hip. 

Deep down, it flattered him, knowing Cregan had liked him. Had liked taking his virginity. Jacaerys moved his legs nervously. They were silent now as if Cregan was expecting an answer from him. Jacaerys could only stare at the hand on him - large, warm, a little rough sometimes. Veins were visible. Jacaerys swallowed so he wouldn't salivate like a dog. 

"Jace?" 

Cregan inched closer, under Jacaerys' blanket, and practically loomed over him. Jacaerys lowered his head into the pillow while the voice near his ear continued. The weight on the bed shifted as Cregan slowly began to settle on top of him. 

"Something tells me you liked it"

Jacaerys didn't know what would happen if he admitted it. The world might just end. He was alone, abducted, broken, and scared. It was all Cregan's fault and what was caused by Cregan, could also be fixed by him. 

"Yeah", Jacaerys whispered. 

No point in lying. He had been ready to visit the cottage every now and then just to get his guts rearranged by Cregan's cock. 

"Yeah?" Cregan repeated with a voice that was just a whisper, all sorts of seductive. "You want to be a good hole for me again?" 

Jacaerys closed his eyes and searched for the remainder of his pride. It wasn't there, all gone. 

He was never getting out. This was his home - dependant on Cregan, in good and bad. It didn't matter what had been before. He could at least spend all his nights warm and satisfied, tucked into a shelter in Cregan's arms. 

"Yeah", Jacaerys said again. 

Cregan kissed his neck, lying completely on top of Jacaerys now. 

"Good boy", he murmured as he mouthed the skin beneath him. 

No physical touch had ever felt so exhilarating. Jacaerys shivered and squirmed, wrists soon caught in Cregan's hand. They were pinned down above his head. He didn't try to fight. 

Maybe it would never be genuine through and through. Cregan was mad but right now, he was the gentle sort of mad. His hand didn't bring Jacaerys any discomfort when it slipped below his waistband and pulled down his pants. He heard Cregan sigh by his ear.

"You've kept me dreaming", Cregan murmured as he palmed Jacaerys' ass. 

"You've seen me naked in the bath plenty of times", Jacaerys argued.

"It's not the same. You look different when you're naked in my bed"

"I do?"

"Yeah, all pretty just for me" 

Jacaerys wanted to be pretty for Cregan. 

Fuck, it was really happening. He was so fucking weak.

Cregan kissed him, lips burning up, mouth wet and warm. Jacaerys couldn't help but fall apart, coaxed into responding. He licked eagerly into Cregan's mouth and grinded himself closer, all the while the hand on his ass squeezed tightly. 

"You've been a prude about it, Jace"

It didn't sound like an accusation. Cregan said it too softly. Just kind enough to show a mistake had been made. Just a remark in between the kisses.

"You won't do it again, will you?" Cregan continued in an equally tender whisper.

"No", Jacaerys whimpered.

"You'll let me fuck you every night?"

Jacaerys nodded eagerly. 

"I need to hear it", Cregan murmured.

"I'll let you fuck me every night"

It wasn't a deal. It would happen just by nature. Jacaerys would get to sleep every night satisfied, come dripping out of him, perfectly looked after. 

Jacaerys shivered with each touch. His cock twitched, glossy with precome. Every bone in his body wanted it. Wanted to surrender and find clarity. That's what it was, what they had - an equilibrium.

He spread his legs when Cregan caressed the inside of his thigh.

"I was awake that one night", Jacaerys said quietly.

"What night?" Cregan asked.

"When you jerked off"

"You'll need to specify" 

The implication was obvious - there had been plenty of nights like the one. Jacaerys bit his lower lip. He watched Cregan pull away and step out of his boxers. His hard cock sprung free and Jacaerys had to clutch the blanket. His mouth watered.

Cregan reached into the bedside drawer and brought the bottle of lube to bed with him. Jacaerys lay down on his belly and pushed his hips up. Left himself on a platter, knees apart enough. 

"Fuck", he heard Cregan curse behind him.

A warm tongue came to lap at Jacaerys' hole. It was slow, teasing enough to tempt Jacaerys to push closer. Cregan spread him wide open with his hands. Jacaerys felt himself try to tense but each time he was undone by Cregan's tongue. Licked him wet and made him squirm desperately. 

It was only thrilling. Jacaerys wanted to beg for cock by the time the tongue withdrew. 

Cregan bit his left ass cheek and Jacaerys yelped. He heard a chuckle way too pleased.

Cold lube was rubbed on Jacaerys' opening. Two fingers came to tease him, pushing the lube just a bit deeper each time. Jacaerys whined and wiggled his hips - he could take more. He wanted to take more.

Cregan's free hand reached between Jacaerys' legs to fondle his balls. Squeezed and kneaded him attentively. 

"You should've let me get you off", Cregan murmured.

"You can get me off now", Jacaerys whispered.

The hand went further and firm fingers wrapped around the shaft of Jacaerys' hard cock. Cregan pumped him while patiently prying his hole loose. Jacaerys whined, his knees turned to jelly when arousal coiled inside of him. It left him feeling warm and wanted, only by Cregan's hands. He clenched around the two fingers in his ass. They hardly sufficed anymore. 

"Need more", he demanded.

Cregan pressed his fingers in to the knuckle as he probed at Jacaerys' prostate. The first brush hit Jacaerys like a shock of electricity and his hips jerked back in response. 

"Shh, don't want to rush into it", Cregan assured him.

Jacaerys rubbed his face into the pillow. He pushed his ass back onto the fingers, cock leaking streaks of precum in Cregan's other hand. It was exquisite, the sort of worship he could've only ever dreamed of.

"You'll tell me if it hurts", Cregan reminded him as he withdrew.

Jacaerys hummed in approval and nodded to his best ability. 

"Turn around"

Jacaerys obeyed like he was spellbound. He turned on his back and watched from behind his hooded lids how Cregan slathered lube all over the length of his cock. 

Cregan pressed the tip on Jacaerys' opening and lifted his hips. Jacaerys tensed and clutched the blanket when the cockhead slowly broke past his rim. He held his eyes tightly shut when discomfort punched through him. The hurt never grew overbearing, Cregan was way too gentle and thoughtful to let it.

Whenever he flinched, Cregan paused. 

"Shh, it'll feel good soon, remember?" Cregan reminded him. 

Jacaerys remembered very well. He had fought so long not to, and yet it prevailed. 

Cregan's cock sank deeper, inch by inch - there had never been a man more patient. Once he bottomed out, Jacaerys heard a pleasant sigh. Dark and raspy. 

"Good boy, you're so brave", Cregan whispered with his hand on Jacaerys' cheek to caress him.

Was he really? Jacaerys pressed his face into the hand, eyes still shut. Warmth curled inside of him. 

"Please, fuck me", Jacaerys requested in a despairing whimper. He almost broke into a cry when Cregan didn't immediately start using him. "I'll be so good- I want to be good for you"


"Shh, I know, I know", Cregan reassured him fondly, and Jacaerys could sigh in relief. 

Cregan grabbed Jacaerys' legs and brought them on his shoulders. Jacaerys was pulled so close he wasn't sure he was his own entity anymore. It'd be a real joy if he wasn't. If he could just forget everything that had happened - forget himself and let Cregan have his way with him. If he were to cry, he'd do so blissfully. 

Jacaerys had never been tempted by mindlessness. Now it felt like a reward to earn each praise and preen himself proudly.

Cregan rolled his hips and Jacaerys' body responded with a shudder. It was as good as he recalled. Why had he been so eager to forget it? Act as if there weren't sparks between them? He might as well have held one in his hands. 

Quiet moans left Jacaerys when Cregan thrust inside of him. His lips were left apart, his eyes glazed and yet so wide open. 

"Aren't you just perfect?" Cregan murmured before kissing Jacaerys with more force than before.

Jacaerys could hardly respond when another sharp thrust made him whimper into the kiss. Cregan ignored it and just kept coaxing Jacaerys' wet, swollen lips. They couldn't offer much in return, too staggered by the pleasure. Jacaerys tried his best, but Cregan only separated with a chuckle. It didn't matter - he was perfect. 

He realized then just how close he was. A need that might eat him alive if he gave it a second longer. 

"I- think I need to cum", Jacaerys whined, nearly frantically.

"Go ahead, baby", Cregan said softly and wrapped his hand around Jacaerys' leaking cock.

Cregan stroked him hard. He made it seem like he was aiming for the lewd, wet sounds rather than Jacaerys' orgasm. It was all Jacaerys could hear ringing in his ears. The thrusts never paused, either - they were deep and slow. Jacaerys clenched around Cregan's cock, overtaken by the thrill and the spasms. 

With a shuddering moan, Jacaerys came all over himself. Cregan milked him dry - made a whole show of squeezing out every drop.

Jacaerys didn't quite recover from that. His legs were shaky, both of them, when Cregan grabbed him again and began ardently fucking into him. 

Cregan thrust harder like he was possessed - plunged his cock deep each time. Jacaerys ragdolled along Cregan's hips, his eyes flipped back into his skull and his body turned limp. His hands lay uselessly on his sides. The headboard of the bed hit the wall. 

It never stopped feeling good. Jacaerys' insides melted into mush. In addition, Cregan soon pumped his hole full of hot come. 

Jacaerys gasped for breath. He was utterly satisfied as soreness spread across him. A sign that something had been done well. He whimpered when Cregan pulled out. 

A sweaty kiss was pressed on Jacaerys' forehead.

"I'll be right back", Cregan murmured, voice worn and husky. 

"Okay", Jacaerys managed to say. 

The dip on the bed went away. 

It was then that the wheels in Jacaerys' head started turning again. They'd been completely disabled with Cregan inside of him. 

Jacaerys wanted to go home with bitemarks and bruises all over his neck. His family would have a collective heart attack. It'd be funny - to say he had a boyfriend living as a hermit in the middle of nowhere. Jacaerys would go back and see him whenever he liked, to feel perfect to someone. 

Oh, they'd be horrified.

They'd never know. 

They'd never find out what happened to him.

He'd be dead. 

Jacaerys covered his face with his healthy hand. He felt an excruciating need to turn into a fetal position and cry. 

"Hey, what's wrong?" 

Cregan came back with some dampened paper towels. He sat down on the bed over Jacaerys and took his wrist to gently move the hand away from covering Jacaerys' face. And he didn't just leave it. He held it and pressed a kiss on the side of Jacaerys' thumb.

"Nothing", Jacaerys muttered. "Just- feel weird after"

"Something I did?" Cregan asked.

"Don't think so"

Jacaerys hated how small he sounded. He let Cregan wipe down the mess on his belly with the paper towel. Cregan was gentle about it like he was gentle about everything. When they were together like this, as the dream couple that had met through a chance encounter, Cregan was never anything other than attentive. Jacaerys could indulge as much as he wanted. 

But it wasn't- real- was it? Could it be? 

"Let me tuck you in", Cregan decided.

Jacaerys didn't resist. Cregan straightened his pillow and brought the blankets over Jacaerys. The fur was laid on Jacaerys' legs. It was warm and comfortable. Jacaerys could let his thoughts get lost in the haze. 

Everything could be so well. 

"Need anything?" Cregan offered.

"Just you", Jacaerys said with a subtle smile.

The grin Cregan gave him in response was the opposite. 

Cregan settled underneath the blankets right next to Jacaerys, and no inch was spared between them. 

"Get some sleep, okay?" Cregan suggested.

"Yeah, I'm really tired", Jacaerys admitted.

Before he did indeed fall asleep, Jacaerys glimpsed up. Cregan watched over him leniently, the little circles he drew on Jacaerys' collarbone so light they might as well have been drawn in the air. 

Cregan, too, had realized just how fragile Jacaerys was.

Chapter Text

Months passed. Jacaerys only noticed when the snow outside had melted one day. Dead grass peeked through.  

He braced on Cregan's arm as they walked across the yard. It was important exercise for his ankle and the fresh air lifted Jacaerys' mood. He exhausted himself easily but it beat lying indoors all day. He'd walk a lap around the cottage while Cregan did yardwork or whatever projects he had in the shed. 

They had a schedule. They had a good daily life. 

Jacaerys sat down on the bench in the shed. He rested his head on the wall and bundled tighter into his coat. 

"Will the birdhouse be ready today?" Jacaerys asked.

"Probably", Cregan muttered as he twisted thin pieces of alloy with pliers.

It'd form the rack for the suet.

"Is this your favorite pastime?" Jacaerys wanted to know.

He saw the corners of Cregan's mouth lift.

"No. You are", Cregan replied.

Jacaerys took it as encouragement. He inched closer to where Cregan sat and climbed carefully on his lap. He was welcomed with warm hands around his waist. Slowly, he rested his forehead against Cregan's and lulled completely against him.

"I ought to make you a dildo", Cregan said absent-mindedly.

Jacaerys rolled his eyes, his cheeks flushed timid. He was afraid Cregan was perfectly serious. 

"Out of wood?" he asked.

"Why not? I'd hone it real smooth, don't worry. You can finish it with pink paint if that makes you feel better about it"

Cregan looked way too proud of his idea, Jacaerys couldn't realistically put down that wide, handsome grin he saw. 

"Alright then", he agreed. 

They could make a little project out of it. Cregan pressed a kiss on Jacaerys' cold lips. With the hint of warmth, shivers went up his spine.

"We should get you back inside", Cregan decided.

Jacaerys nodded pliantly and left Cregan's lap. 

They walked together around the cottage, Jacaerys' hand on Cregan's arm, and they went back indoors. Jacaerys left his coat in the hanger and headed straight into the living room to warm by the fire. 

"Jace"

Jacaerys lifted his head when he heard Cregan call for him. Immediately, he lowered the volume of the radio. He never wanted to miss the news.

Cregan handed him something packaged in bubble wrap.

"The photograph came in. Thought you might want to take a look", Cregan said gently.

"Yes, of course", Jacaerys said eagerly and got up to sit.

Some stiffness remained in the fingers of his right hand as he opened the wrap. They had gone into town a few days ago to have a photograph taken of them together. The initial suggestion hadn't been Jacaerys', although it endeared him in a way. He found it odd Cregan didn't think it too risky. 

But if something didn't bother Cregan, Jacaerys paid it no mind, either. 

"I should've cut my hair", Jacaerys said remorsefully when he looked at the picture.

He was sitting down with Cregan's hand on his shoulder. The photographer had understood they were a couple. A cute one, Jacaerys had hoped. Whatever they had been talking about before the flash of the camera, had even made Cregan smile. That, Jacaerys was proud to have captured. 

Cregan grunted disapprovingly. He took the photo from Jacaerys' hand and placed the frame on top of the drawer in the corner. Right next to the one of Cregan's brother. That was where nice memories were collected. It looked shiny and the frame was tasteful - simple and black. 

Cregan pressed a kiss on Jacaerys' forehead.

"I'll get started on dinner", he said.

"We have to use up the rest of the salmon I cooked", Jacaerys reminded him.

"True"

Jacaerys watched as Cregan left for the kitchen. There were plenty of chores Jacaerys never had to do. He reached for the newspaper and a pen to fill out the daily crossword puzzle. 

A tree. It had a short name. What was the wood Cregan's birdhouse made out of? Birch. It fit. 

Jacaerys rolled his ankle as he lay down. It hadn't grown crooked like he had feared. Matter of fact, it looked quite ordinary but it never ceased feeling odd. Maybe a lack of feeling was a better way of describing it, Jacaerys couldn't quite say. 

After a while, he walked into the kitchen. 

"Sit down", Cregan instructed him, and Jacaerys obeyed. 

He was served a bowl of hot soup. It was nice after the day outside as it was still quite chilly. Soup and freshly baked bread felt right for days like that. Cregan left the coffee on.

"Thank you", Jacaerys said politely before picking up a spoon.

"I want to take you out again tomorrow", Cregan said.

"Yes?"

"In town, thought you might like to come with me. Grocery shopping"

"I'd like to"

Jacaerys was curious to see around the countryside where he lived. Everything was so quiet and isolated that they were rarely bothered by anyone. However, he had to admit a feeling of jealousy twisted inside of him whenever Cregan answered a call from one of his neighbors or friends to go help them with something. Favors, small and big.

Across the table, Jacaerys reached and found Cregan's hand. They slotted their fingers together. 

"You're feeling alright?" Cregan asked rather playfully.

"Yes", Jacaerys replied. 

His injuries didn't cause daily pain anymore. It was easier to enjoy all the conveniences.

They ate together every day. Even when Cregan had errands or business to deal with, he always made it home at dinner time. Jacaerys tried to cook when he got bored all alone but he wasn't too good at it. Not yet, at least. He'd get better. Nothing worried him. They lived in a wonderful haze. It had crept in - hadn't asked questions, hadn't made itself known until the roots reached so deep Jacaerys couldn't even be bothered to think how he should get rid of it. He didn't want to get rid of it. 

It was the happiest he had ever been. 

"I can put them away", Jacaerys offered when Cregan reached for the empty bowls. 

"Shouldn't you rest-"

"No, I feel fine. How about you heat the sauna?"

That, it appeared, Cregan could agree to. He didn't seem particularly begrudging, either. Jacaerys got up as Cregan left. He cleared the table and wiped the surface clean. They kept everything nice and tidy together. Their own little space. 

He rinsed the pot where the soup had been and arranged everything into the washing machine. Once he was done, Jacaerys walked across the cottage back to the living room. The radio was still on, playing some horrid country music. Jacaerys turned it off.

"It'll take a while", Cregan said as he came back. 

"That's fine", Jacaerys agreed and extended his hand.

They both settled on the couch, lying down, Cregan behind Jacaerys, in such a way they could just barely fit on the cushions. Cregan rested his jaw on Jacaerys' shoulder and their fingers clasped together. 

"I want to ask you something", Cregan began.

There was an unusual hesitation in his tone. Jacaerys knew to be worried. 

"What is it?" Jacaerys asked and turned his head toward him.

Cregan's eyes were never cold when he looked at Jacaerys. Not even when he was visibly uncomfortable. Jacaerys kept his face neutral, brow slightly raised. 

"Would you be against us getting married?" Cregan finally asked.

The couch felt like it disappeared beneath Jacaerys and he fell into some foreign, freezing waters. Did he hear Cregan correctly? Married? Get married?

"Huh?" he mumbled, mouth left open.

"I'd be legally responsible for you"

"What?"

Jacaerys could only stare at him.

"You have to say more than that"

"I don't think- wouldn't someone find out?" Jacaerys asked. 

They could find him if he got married. There must've been a registry, something of the sort, for people to research and see his name. Even by accident.

"We'll be discreet about it. You'll take my name, no one will ever guess", Cregan explained to him so calmly it sounded like the most ordinary arrangement.

Jacaerys didn't like the hollow he felt in his chest. It made him clear his throat. It tried to suffocate him from within. Cregan holding him closer did not help. 

"You don't have to decide now. I understand if you don't want to", Cregan reassured him.

"You won't be mad if I-"

"How could I be mad at you?"

Cregan's kind voice brought a smile to Jacaerys' lips. But they could be married. Married. It sounded so permanent, so irreversible. He'd call Cregan a husband. Cregan would have a legal permit to keep him safe and sound. That must've been the main motive.

"But you wouldn't oppose?" Cregan asked hopefully.

Jacaerys shook his head carefully.

"Good. Think about it", Cregan said before pressing a kiss on Jacaerys' lips.

It was a sweet one. Jacaerys indulged in letting Cregan kiss him a while before he replied to it. He wanted to feel cherished for a moment before giving something back.

Was he a selfish creature? 

An hour passed easily by cuddling the moments away. They left the couch for the sauna. Jacaerys stepped into the shower room and began to undress. Some of the clothes were his own, technically. Well, he wore them more, so they were his - that's how it worked, right? Sometimes the scent he liked faded from the fabric and Jacaerys borrowed another slightly worn flannel from Cregan. Somewhere in the back of the closet, lay Jacaerys' clothes he had worn the day they had met. They just never happened to be within reach when he selected what to wear. 

Jacaerys didn't need help dressing or undressing, but it wasn't beyond him to ask for it, anyway. He must've looked like one of those giggly schoolgirls when he let Cregan unbutton his shirt for him. 

"Cregan?" he called quietly.

"Yes?" 

"I think we'll need the lube"

Jacaerys hated how poor he was at flirting. Whenever he intended to look at Cregan directly, to show some confidence and seduction, his pride dropped to the floor and his voice turned meek. Jacaerys felt smaller than ever when he, in turn, was eyed like a piece of fine meat. 

"Let me get it", Cregan said.

"Okay" 

Cregan walked past him back into the cottage. Jacaerys continued undressing. His cock was half-hard from the thought alone of being fucked on the hot benches of the sauna. It wasn't the first time. The danger didn't much concern him anymore. 

He quickly rinsed himself in the shower before opening the black-tinted glass door. Hot air pooled on his face as he climbed on the middle bench. The sweating and the heat had done plenty to ease the pain of Jacaerys' recovery. It was miraculous almost. 

Cregan joined him soon enough with another towel to line the bench and a bottle of lube in his other hand. His hair was damp and curled around his face. Jacaerys looked at him undisturbed as long as he could. Some droplets glistened across Cregan's chest. 

Fuck, he was fine. 

Jacaerys received an immediate kiss. It burnt between them, hot and heady. He was pulled down on his back, Cregan on top of him. The bench didn't feel so bad with a towel underneath him. Cregan's hand caressed his neck with light pressure, forcing out a gasp. Jacaerys' lips were still caught in the kiss, his legs brought apart with Cregan's knee between them. 

When the droplets dried, only heat was left. Jacaerys withdrew from the kiss and rested his head back. 

Cregan lowered himself and mouthed Jacaerys' neck. The kisses had no teeth. Although his eyes were tired and limbs weak, Jacaerys reached up to feel Cregan's back and shoulders. He followed the muscles and the lines down Cregan's waist before hooking his leg on the back of Cregan's thigh. Just kept him there, so close. Cregan's hard cock pressed on Jacaerys' thigh. 

The bench was barely long enough for them to fit lying down as they were. 

Cregan kept himself elevated on his elbow. His thumb drew circles on Jacaerys' right nipple. 

"Aren't you a pretty thing", Cregan teased him, and while still melting, Jacaerys shivered. 

The hands on him were too hot to bear but he endured still. 

"I want to sit on your dick", Jacaerys requested. 

"Of course, baby. Let's open you up", Cregan rasped.

Cregan got back up and opened the lube with a quiet pop. Jacaerys didn't expect much comfort so he simply raised his knees. 

Maybe it was the heat that made him so pliant. Almost drowsy. Jacaerys whimpered when a lube-coated finger pressed past his rim but his body relaxed easily around it. He didn't tense, just let Cregan pry him loose and tease his prostate until Jacaerys shuddered on the bench. 

"You really need it, huh", Cregan remarked. 

"Yeah, please", Jacaerys said so sweetly he knew Cregan wouldn't just deny him.

Cregan pulled his fingers out, sat up, and poured more lube on his hand. Jacaerys got on his knees and watched Cregan smear the lube all over his cock. 

"Come on", Cregan motioned to him and grabbed Jacaerys by his hips.

Slowly, he climbed onto Cregan's lap and let him align the flushed cockhead with Jacaerys' hole. Jacaerys lowered himself, his knees already worthless jelly when his rim stretched around the fat meat. He replied in ache - whined and bit his teeth. He should've been used to it already, he had no reason to struggle so much. 

"Shh, you're not in a rush", Cregan said gently. 

"Mmh, I know", Jacaerys mumbled. 

He had to push himself. Had to be good and take it. Cregan pressed kisses along his jaw and neck while Jacaerys whimpered around his cock. 

A gratified smile rose on Jacaerys' lips once he hit the base. He sighed in relief and let his head drop. His whole body was on fire, his hole so full he couldn't even think about moving. 

"What a good boy", Cregan praised him in a whisper. 

Jacaerys could hear a heaviness in Cregan's voice. It was further proof of his words. 

It was the only thing that could relax him, knowing he made Cregan so happy.  Jacaerys' whole body went limp, his hole throbbing. He rested his head back on Cregan's shoulder and whimpered when Cregan readjusted. A warm hand curled around Jacaerys' waist, palm caressing his belly.

"All good?" Cregan whispered in his ear.

"Yeah", Jacaerys whined, eyes shut and face twisted in pleasure. "Like a king on a throne"

His joke was received with a warm chuckle. 

"Wouldn't have it otherwise", Cregan murmured before pressing his hot lips on the side of Jacaerys' face. 

Kisses were placed everywhere, some with teeth, some with tongue. Each one made Jacaerys squirm and whimper. That must've been why Cregan did it so eagerly. Jacaerys felt himself clench on Cregan's cock, and the warm hands kept him from moving too much. The breath behind him was strained. 

That was part of the thrill - how Cregan must've struggled to keep his composure so as not to thrust hard into Jacaerys' ass.

Jacaerys began to bounce slowly. He braced on Cregan and let him lift him. Cregan made it so effortless that Jacaerys could still set the pace. At first, at least. Jacaerys rode patiently and each little motion earned a thick gasp from his lips. He was filled to the brim and moving felt criminal. He couldn't stop his hole from clenching. If he was left empty, he'd surely cry. 

"You need to relax, baby", Cregan murmured.

"Can't, I can't", Jacaerys whined. 

It was impossible. He was tense as a wire, sensitive like he hadn't enjoyed an orgasm in weeks. As if he didn't get creampied every night. 

Cregan rolled his hips up, fucking into him relentlessly. Jacaerys could only hold on so tight that his nails sank below Cregan's skin. Each thrust was harder than the last. He was hot and plush all over, every bit of Jacaerys was on fire. Sweat turned his skin glossy, his tongue was out - he panted and whined madly. 

Pleasure coiled cruelly in his belly. It took out whatever sense Jacaerys had left. He came with a long, tormented moan, without a single touch to his cock. White streaks of cum dripped out, leaking on his belly and some along the shaft. 

He was sure he went to heaven.

Jacaerys had to be led into the shower after. His legs wobbled, wasn't at all convinced of his ability to walk. 

The rushing water was nice and cool after the heat. Cregan took soap in his hands and washed Jacaerys clean. Jacaerys rested his forehead on the cold tiles of the wall. He was drowsy - his lids were leaden and nearly shut, and his whole body felt exhausted. Felt useless. He was thoroughly fucked out. 

Cregan was methodical about rinsing him clean. He took the showerhead in his hand and washed all the soap down the drain. The shower was turned off. A warm, soft towel came to catch the droplets. Jacaerys was helped into a bathrobe. He wiped his face dry into the sleeve. 

"Come on, let's get you to bed", Cregan said and guided Jacaerys out of the shower.

Jacaerys could've easily walked up the steps with the help of the railing but Cregan scooped him up in his arms and carried him to bed, instead. It was nice. Jacaerys couldn't complain a word.

He was tucked in between the blankets before Cregan settled next to him. 

Only the blue night lamp was on. The bed was never as cold as the light. Jacaerys felt Cregan press against his back. He pulled on Cregan's hand to bring it around his waist. They were most comfortable that way - both of them.

"I hope you're comfortable", Cregan murmured.

"Yes", Jacaerys said in a drowsy manner and readjusted the position.

"With me, here"

A certain hesitancy showed through, however, even if Cregan always spoke so softly and with confidence that Jacaerys admired. Jacaerys looked at him, unsure how to respond. Could he even feel uncomfortable with Cregan?

"I know ours was a difficult start", Cregan continued. "I didn't treat you right, I hope I've made up for some of that"

Jacaerys remembered when he tried. He might never forget - the sledgehammer, the cuffs attached to the bed's headboard and the morning he had woken up with a bunch of broken fingers. It hurt to remember, so he rarely did. It was almost as if Jacaerys had spent all his will to sew stitches across his skin, and the only purpose of memory was to tear them open again. So, he preferred not to tempt it.

"I just want to keep you safe. You're irreplaceable to me", Cregan finished with a tender confession.

"I'm not angry with you anymore", Jacaerys said truthfully.

"But you can't forgive me"

"I don't know"

"And you can't trust me"

Jacaerys wasn't sure that was true anymore, either. He had said all of it to Cregan's face, that was true, and he had meant it in earnest. At that time, his word had been definite.

"I trust you to treat me right", Jacaerys decided quietly, and Cregan's eyes softened. "But all the pain, it's still-"

"Don't trouble yourself", Cregan released him of his worries. "All in good time, yeah? I just wanted to know if you'd actually think about my proposal"

The proposal was a completely separate topic.

"I always thought marriage was a romantic thing. That I'd get married because I love the guy, not just so I can be taken care of by someone", Jacaerys reasoned the downside.

Slowly, all the kindness and warmth vanished from Cregan's face. Drained away as if he had just realized something dire. His lips formed just one stunned mutter.

"I see"

Oh, fuck. Jacaerys had confessed to not loving him. He didn't, did he? Did Cregan love him?

Jacaerys didn't think the modern understanding of romance and relationships had a term for them. It was freaky. They just lived together, slept together, and fucked when it was convenient. 

"I- I didn't mean", Jacaerys began to explain but Cregan stopped him with a shake of his head.

"I get it", he said quietly, hollow, in the voice of a completely different man.

"You mean so much to me-"

"I could've meant more"

"I guess so"

"Don't worry, Jace. I won't hold a grudge if you'll never feel anything like that"

Jacaerys heard the bitterness so clearly that he wanted to pull away.

"I do feel- plenty", Jacaerys tried to correct.

"Either way, you're with me now and that's a comfort enough", Cregan stated with a possessiveness in his tone - dark and thick. 

Cregan made it sound poetic. Jacaerys recognized the rhyme.

"Yes", he agreed. 

"I hope you don't think I'm crazy", Cregan said.

"A little", Jacaerys admitted. 

"Do you think I don't understand what I've done?"

"Do you?"

Cregan caressed his hand before lacing their fingers together.

"I do. I know what I've taken from you. I don't want you to think I live in some fantasy world where you'll forget about everything and just start to love me", Cregan said, as honest as ever.

Jacaerys found it oddly relieving. He didn't think Cregan was the kind of insane to see things or even one that was particularly delusional.

"And your brother?" Jacaerys asked.

"What about him?" Cregan frowned.

It was still a sensitive topic.

"Do you see him in me?"

Cregan became difficult. He readjusted and stared at Jacaerys' hand, quiet for a moment.

"At first, yes. You sounded so diligent", Cregan admitted. "But you're very different"

"I hope so"

"You both mean different things to me. It's just that when I... had you here, I knew it wasn't permanent. You'd go back to your family, you didn't belong here"

Jacaerys watched how Cregan's face twisted between regret and hesitation. He listened carefully.

"I was selfish. Something just... clicked all wrong. I had never felt so alone when you walked out the door", Cregan confessed. 

"I'm sorry", Jacaerys whispered.

"And the times you wanted to leave... I was more angry with myself for not making you comfortable enough"

"I was just scared"

"Are you still scared?"

"Sometimes"

Jacaerys couldn't lie about it. He shouldn't - they both despised dishonesty. It'd get him nowhere to play pretend. 

"Don't be. I won't hurt you again, I've promised", Cregan reminded him. 

"I hurt every time I think about my family", Jacaerys said.

"Do you want to know what I think?"

"What?"

"You'd hurt more if you were back with them"

"Why's that?"

Cregan tilted his head dismissively.

"I don't think you're meant for that kind of life"

"You think I'm meant to be pampered and taken care of?" Jacaerys challenged him dryly. 

But it was no challenge. Cregan grinned and nodded, instead. His eyes practically sparkled. 

"You got it", he said playfully. 

Jacaerys felt the hand on his waist begin rubbing his hip. Never was he deprived of reassuring touches. A blush spread across his face. Cregan inched closer and Jacaerys let his head fall on Cregan's shoulder. Right there, he felt most comfortable.

"You have nothing to be afraid of", Cregan whispered, his fingers slowly combing through Jacaerys' hair. 

"I believe you", Jacaerys muttered. 

A moment passed where they just held each other. 

"Did you want to watch something before we sleep?" Cregan suggested.

"Something spooky", Jacaerys replied. 

And so, Cregan turned on the TV and selected a horror slasher for them. Jacaerys lazily snatched the remote to control the volume.

The killing didn't even get to start properly before Jacaerys fell asleep.

The market hall was busy around the hour. Jacaerys had never gone before. Long walks or standing around tired his ankle too easily, so he couldn't run many errands with Cregan whenever he had the opportunity to. 

Usually, he waited in the car when he grew too tired. Today he followed, hand wrapped on Cregan's arm. 

The nearest town wasn't as small as it looked, Jacaerys realized. They had a regular grocery store, a market hall, a pharmacy, and a couple of other similar locations. People were mindful of their business and not very chatty but as they walked by, Jacaerys could feel the curious glimpses. In remote places, they must've known everyone. 

Jacaerys wondered if it was him or if no one had seen a gay couple before. Maybe a bit of both. 

Grocery shopping wasn't exactly something Jacaerys had done much. He had never lived alone and usually having anything delivered was way less trouble than going out to buy them. 

Fish was laid on ice, fresh vegetables piled in crates, honey and homemade jam sold in glass jars, and even some sweets were on display. 

Jacaerys looked around, almost stalking how other people acted and talked. It felt surreal whenever he got to go outside and interact, if distantly, with people who weren't Cregan. 

He wasn't sure how he was supposed to feel. 

"You look familiar", one of the women behind the fish counter said to Jacaerys.

"Do I?" Jacaerys asked, bewildered.

"He's not from here", Cregan brushed it off, all polite.

But Jacaerys wasn't blind to what others might be. Cregan tensed and held his hand tighter. 

"Just a moment", the lady continued and seemed to be looking for something underneath the counters.

Jacaerys could hear newspapers being pulled out. Who even had newspapers anymore? Oh, wait. They did, too. Jacaerys looked up at Cregan but he was frozen still, eyes hardened. 

The lady folded the paper and passed it over. The paper was a bit worn out - colors were faded and the corners wrinkled. It was dated last year and the issue was a missing person. Jacaerys recognized the picture. It was from his graduation party - he smiled awfully wide and he wore a white shirt with a blue tie. 

His mother had taken the picture. She had been pleased with it, said he looked smart and presentable. So proud of him. 

"Funny thing, he looks like you", the lady emphasized.

Jacaerys swallowed acid. It did - that's how he had looked once. Confident and clever, eager to get on with life and become accomplished. He looked like a different person. Unbreakable. Not anymore. 

"Yeah, it's a bit creepy", Jacaerys agreed and forced out a laugh. "You know, studies show every person has approximately six doppelgangers out in the world"

He was pretty sure he had heard it on the radio. 

"Really? That's fascinating", the lady said and folded the newspaper back beneath the counter.

"I take it he wasn't found?" Jacaerys asked - fuck, why did he ask?

"No, poor kid. His family must be inconsolable"

"I'm sure"

The ground might have given in then. Jacaerys just smiled awkwardly until Cregan subtly pulled him away. He expected the silence that followed. Fingers firm around his arm, Jacaerys was led back to the car.

"Get in", Cregan grumbled at him.

Jacaerys obeyed and climbed on his seat. He didn't say a word. The pounding of his heart was so loud it might as well have done the talking for him. 

Cregan tossed their groceries on the backseat and drove away. He squeezed the steering wheel. 

"What did you want me to say?" Jacaerys asked carefully.

"It's a bit creepy", Cregan repeated in a low, threatening voice.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't exactly prepared to explain myself"

He was given no response. 

The town disappeared behind them quickly. Jacaerys watched as the fields and woods came into view. It was a long ride back home. They usually talked or listened to the radio but Jacaerys didn't dare to move a single muscle. He sat frozen in place.

With careful glimpses, he studied Cregan's expression. Moments passed, and the hardness didn't ease.

"Are you angry with me?" Jacaerys almost whispered.

"No", Cregan said.

"You're quiet"

"I'm thinking"

"Nothing's gonna come out of it"

Jacaerys heard it, to his own horror. That's how the voice of a liar trembled. 

"You say so now", Cregan muttered.

"You think she'll call the cops just for that?"

"No"

"Then what's the problem?"

Cregan didn't answer. His jaw was steel, the knuckles of his hands bone pale when he drove on. Something was the problem but Jacaerys didn't know what exactly. The close call? Cregan didn't react rationally to close calls.

 
"Cregan?"

"Nothing, Jace"

The cold tone didn't undo Jacaerys' worries. His heart was in his throat, his stomach twisted upside down. 

When they arrived back at the cottage, Jacaerys climbed out of the car. Cregan carried the groceries and headed straight indoors. Jacaerys followed slowly after. 

His family must be inconsolable. It echoed in his ears. 

Jacaerys walked into the kitchen where Cregan was unpacking the groceries.

"I didn't mean anything by it- I'm sorry if it offended you", Jacaerys tried. 

"I think it's best you stay indoors for a while", Cregan decided.

It wasn't fair. Jacaerys frowned and pressed his mouth into a thin line. He hadn't done anything, he wasn't a child Cregan could just send to his room when things got inconvenient. 

"Why?" Jacaerys spat out. "I wasn't trying anything, you know I wasn't"

"I know"

"Then why are you punishing me for it?"

Cregan turned to him, face hard and eyes cold.

"I think you know this isn't a punishment", he said. 

Jacaerys clasped his fingers together instinctually. Maybe it wasn't compared to what else he had suffered after trying to escape. He lowered his head and nodded hesitantly. Cregan wouldn't hurt him for this - it wasn't right, he hadn't tried anything. 

Maybe it was better to stay indoors. He couldn't fuck up like that in between the bedroom walls.

"Okay", Jacaerys agreed quietly.

"Don't look like that", Cregan sighed and cupped Jacaerys' jaw.

Cregan tilted his head to try and kiss him but Jacaerys pulled away. It felt gross, crawled under his skin. He didn't want a kiss, he wanted an explanation. He wanted to know he wouldn't wake up in fresh bandages the next morning.

"Sorry", Cregan apologized and let him go. 

"I'll go upstairs"

"Okay"

Jacaerys left the kitchen and walked up the stairs. He closed the bedroom door behind him and lay down. With shivers going down his spine, Jacaerys held himself. Clutched his arms tightly. 

Cregan came up sometime later. He didn't knock but opened the door slowly.

Jacaerys bundled himself under the blankets.

"Do you want me to bring dinner up tonight?" Cregan asked from the door. 

"I'm not hungry", Jacaerys replied.

"You sure?"

"Yes"

Jacaerys expected the door to close. That'd be the decent thing to do but instead, Cregan walked in and sat on the bedside. It reminded Jacaerys of his sick days.

"You want to sleep early?" Cregan supposed.

It was just a forced discussion, Jacaerys knew. Cregan liked being ignored as little as Jacaerys did, they utterly despised it. A hand came to caress Jacaerys' shoulder. He let it, for now.

"Yeah", he replied.

"Mind if I join?"

"If you want"

They hadn't slept apart since Jacaerys' recovery. They didn't argue, either. Jacaerys readjusted when Cregan climbed in bed and settled underneath the same blanket. 

"I'm sorry about today", Cregan said. 

"It's okay", Jacaerys muttered in response. 

Cregan pressed himself closer and brought a hand on Jacaerys' hip. They were never far from one another, often hand in hand or at least in reach. Jacaerys realized he had inched himself as close to the edge of the bed as possible. He'd have liked to tip over.

"You looked scared", Cregan remarked.

"Think I have reason to", Jacaerys' voice kept quiet.

"Do you?"

"Yes"

"I suppose I thought you changed your mind"

Jacaerys frowned and turned his head.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"About staying", Cregan clarified.

"That was never my choice to make"

"I don't think that's true"

Cregan smiled, subtly, almost hesitant to. Jacaerys thought it was a sad look on him. And as always, Cregan was right. Jacaerys hadn't left when he had been given the choice. Not only once. He could've shouted for help in the middle of the market hall. He could've ran.

"It's been your choice every day. For a while, actually", Cregan continued. "And I'm honored you've made that choice"

Jacaerys lay frozen, even his heartbeat dulled. Cregan placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Good night, Jace", he said softly and got up. 

The blankets were pulled and straightened. Jacaerys was tucked in. He stared at the dark lines of wood in the floorboards. Cregan walked out of the bedroom, switched off the lights and left the door only slightly open.  

At night, Jacaerys woke up. He opened his eyes to the dusk of early morning. The clock on the table ticked four. No light peeked from the window but the darkness was not a heavy one. 

Cregan slept beside him. Jacaerys listened to his calm breathing. He inched slowly closer and took Cregan's hand in his. It was bigger, Cregan had some roughness around the fingers. Jacaerys squeezed his hand tight. 

It'd be easy if Cregan woke up. They could cuddle and go back to sleep for a few more hours. Jacaerys liked how Cregan sounded in the morning. Raspy and drowsy. 

But this morning Jacaerys heard only a sleepy huff and Cregan readjusted his position. 

Jacaerys let the hand slip away. He cranked himself up and dressed himself in the darkness. 

In the doorway, he couldn't look back. If he did, Jacaerys would crumble. He couldn't give himself a singular reason. His hands were shaking when he grabbed the railing of the staircase. His ankle hadn't ached for a while, and yet he could hardly stand straight, the weight on his shoulders too much to carry. Each step tore his very core. 

Downstairs, Jacaerys pulled on his shoes and reached into the pocket of Cregan's coat. He took out the car keys. They clinked in his hands. What if he didn't remember how to drive?

His lips twisted into an expression that could've been mistaken for both a smile and a sob. What if he crashed Cregan's car?

Jacaerys left from the front door and walked to the car. He climbed in, turned the keys and drove off when it was still dark outside. 

The headlights lit the dirt road. The pounding in his chest was leaden. No thought remained. He just drove. 

Some things were too difficult to say goodbye to. 

"Anything new happen?"

Jacaerys stared at the box of tissues on the table.

Was he meant to cry in therapy? Was that the norm? He supposed it wasn't so difficult to imagine. Even the toughest guy would be a little sad when delving enough into his darkness and trauma. Jacaerys hadn't cried once yet. Maybe something was wrong with him. Damaged so badly that he didn't function anymore.

Jacaerys looked down at his hands and sighed.

"I've been back at work", he began.

"And how's work been?" his therapist, Sara, wanted to know. 

Jacaerys didn't do small talk. He wasn't very good at it. At work, he talked business. At home- in his apartment, he had no one to talk to, and when his mother texted or called relentlessly for Jacaerys to visit the rest of the family, he always declined politely.

"It's nice. Nothing's changed much"

"Do you feel that it should?"

"No", he replied with a shrug. "I don't want people asking about it"

"Do you think a simple how are you means that they'd like to?"

"People love gossip, they thrive on the misery of others"

Sara readjusted. She tried to uphold a kind, subtle smile. The result was unbelievably empty.

"You have a great supportive system around you. They mean well, Jace", she reassured him.

Jacaerys wasn't so sure. Not all of them, that was a certainty. His mother wanted what was best for him, selflessly, but his brothers relished knowing Jacaerys' self-righteousness had taken a blow. His stepfather had given him a good shout and shaken him like a jar. 

Have you any idea what kind of pain you put your mother through? You will talk to the police even if I have to drag you there by the neck!

He was weak, he had left himself vulnerable. This sort of damage time couldn't just heal as time went by. 

"Then they'll let me be", Jacaerys decided.

"You don't have to be alone", Sara argued.

"I'd prefer to"

"And what about your nightmares?"

Jacaerys rolled his eyes. They were a nightly presence, an echo of a memory he wished to forget. They were more relentless than any of the other haunts. He had been prescribed sleeping pills that knocked the fuck out of him but couldn't do anything about the dreams. They arrived on his doorstep like persistent salesmen - unannounced and unfazed.

"No difference. I don't want the drugs anymore", he decided.

Sara wrote something down. Jacaerys was quite sure he was the worst type of patient. Stubborn and quiet.

"Are you still scared?" Sara asked.

The question was unexpected. Jacaerys looked around the office. A tacky scenery painting was mounted on the wall. 

"Every day", Jacaerys replied quietly.

"That he'll come back?"

No. That wasn't a fear. Out of every possible outcome, Cregan finding his way back into Jacaerys' life would be the easiest to deal with. Cregan was familiar. 

So, he shook his head.

"What are you scared of?" Sara asked.

"I'm scared I can never be with anyone else", Jacaerys forced out of his mouth.

Liar. He didn't want to be with anyone else. What if he wanted someone else?

"Romantically?" 

Romantically. Sexually. Eternally. Devotedly. 

Jacaerys nodded stiffly to Sara's question.

"Is that why you refused to talk to the police? You don't want him getting caught?" Sara asked.

"Yeah"

"You weren't romantic with him, Jace. The human mind adapts in strange ways to fear and danger. It does what it has to survive"

Jacaerys bit his teeth together. The accusation flared his anger - shot through him like a bullet. 

"I know", Jacaerys said, eyes unfocused and foot tapping the floor. 

"You'll find someone. You need to hold onto optimism and not isolate yourself from people, especially not from your friends and family"

"I know. I'll- I'm going to see my mom this weekend, and my brothers, too"

"That's very good. We can call it for today"

Sara stood up from her armchair, the notes she had taken tucked inside a folder. She gave him a polite, brief smile. It was a better attempt than the others. Jacaerys despised pity, especially fake pity.

"I'll see you next week, Jace", Sara said and motioned toward the door.

"Thank you"

Jacaerys got up and left. Once a week was too often. Once a month was enough for a check-up that he hadn't chewed the wallpaper of his apartment. It should be enough. Victims of abduction, rape, and abuse were placed in the reach of crisis control. That's where Jacaerys was. That's what they said had happened to him.

It sounded so bizarre. Jacaerys wasn't a victim of anything.

He just wanted to move on. Why wouldn't anyone let him move on?

At home, he was still seething over the therapy visit. Its point was to help him process what had happened to him but most of the time he processed the therapy more than anything. Peeled away the layers of his frustration.

Jacaerys threw his coat on the back of the couch and sent his keys sliding on the kitchen counter. He ordered food and sat waiting. The hours he spent alone were focused on the weekends. Any other day he worked - lived in the office, in essence. That was the normality, that one thing that kept him sane and occupied.

Never did he grow lonely, however. It was comforting, almost, to be away from the hassle and fussing of others. 

But when the evening had gone on for a while, Jacaerys' thoughts became dark. It happened every night before bed. He played with ideas a victim would never dare to toy with. 

There was a knock on his door. Jacaerys had nearly forgotten the food he had ordered. He walked across his apartment and opened the door. There was no one. Only a parcel sat on the doorstep, and it didn't look like any takeout he had ever seen.

It was a simple cardboard box. No address, no name. Not even a ribbon. 

Jacaerys picked it up and let the door fall slowly shut. He took the package on the kitchen counter and cut it open with a pair of scissors. It shouldn't be in his nature to open up strange deliveries. Could very well be a bomb or a bunch of venomous spiders. With his luck it was exactly that. 

But instead, out came a framed photograph. It landed on the picture-side, against the table. Jacaerys didn't have to see the photo to know exactly what it was. The frame was clean and black. Chosen by him.

 
Jacaerys turned the frame to stand it on the counter. The first thing he saw, was Cregan's wide, stupid grin. Like he had told one of those awful jokes Jacaerys couldn't resist laughing at. It was a joke, wasn't it, how Jacaerys had run away and still, Cregan was with him. 

Every thought, every moment was overtaken by him. Jacaerys could sit with a meal in front of him, unable to take a single bite without thinking of Cregan. He'd go to sleep with a huge pillow propped up behind him, so when warm light pooled in from the window in the morning, he'd mistake the pillow for Cregan. 

He'd never date because he knew no one could fill the hollow left in his chest. Jacaerys looked hard at the photo. He remembered himself looking more awkward than what he truly was. The smile he had was almost devious. Then again, he was held by Cregan, maybe the look on his face was justified. 

Jacaerys took the photograph and walked into his bedroom. He placed it on the bedside table. 

He lay down and closed his eyes to it.

And in the morning, Jacaerys would remember exactly where to turn from, so he might get back to the road that led to the hunting cottage on a hill.