Work Text:
You can't spell lonesome without me,
And there's no hope in misery,
I can't escape your history, oh
You can't spell lonesome without me, you just can't
/ /
It was the 5th of November 1981, and Remus hadn't left his room in five days.
Well, his room was a stretch. It wasn’t his room, it was the spare bedroom in the flat that used to belong to James before he moved out. The room now was nothing more than a guest bedroom, all that once belonged to James was now gone and you could hardly tell that he had ever lived there at all. That’s the main reason why Remus decided to camp out there rather than his own room; his shared room with Sirius.
It had been just under a week since it happened and three days since Remus found out.
He hadn’t left his room since.
People had attempted to come over but all of them had been greeted with a locked door and no reply to their frantic knocking. Remus had kept count on every person who had knocked on his front door and because everyone thinks that they’re the one person who he will respond to he knew exactly who tried to visit him and how many times it took for them to give up.
He appreciated the gesture, but it was clear that none of those people really knew him if they thought that banging on his door was the right way to get him to answer it.
The first person who knocked was Dumbledore. He had been gentle with his approach. He spoke in soft sentences and when he realised that Remus wasn’t going to let him in he decided to give one of his long bullshit speeches that are supposed to inspire his students. If Remus was still a naive teenager it might’ve actually worked.
Not long after Dumbledore left, McGonagall came. She also was soft and begged Remus to come out, telling him that James, Peter and Lily wouldn’t want him to lock himself away from the rest of the world. When that didn’t work she began to cry and told Remus that he was the only one left (as if he needed to be reminded!) When the door still remained shut, she took a different approach.
“Don’t let him win,” she said with as much force as she could muster. “He wants you to shut down but you mustn’t let him win.”
It almost worked, but for the wrong reasons. Remus didn’t want to open the door and collapse in McGonagall's arms as she wished. He wanted to open the door and scream in her face to mind her own business. He wanted to curse her and every adult that had ever been in his life. How dare they make him think that he had any chance at a happy ending. How could they let him go about his life as if tragedy wasn’t lurking round every corner?
Eventually she left and a few hours later his dad arrived.
Lyall Lupin didn’t need an invitation to enter the flat. Unfortunately for Remus he had been given a key for emergencies and apparently this classed as one.
Remus was asleep when he walked in. During that time his dad made them both a cup of tea in what he knew was Remus’ favourite mug, tidied round the flat and lit a scented candle which he had brought from the shop on his way there. He put up the Christmas decorations and hid any and all signs that Sirius Black had ever lived in the flat to begin with. Every picture had been taken down and replaced with others, Sirius’ records had been moved out of the flat along with his clothes and other belongings, and he had even taken the sacrifice to unlock the shower drain of any of Sirius’ hair. The flat had never been cleaner, but Remus still refused to get up to see it.
“You have to get up eventually,” Lyall said after Remus had told him to go away for the fourth time. “Cariad, I know this hurts. But staying in bed isn’t going to make it any better.”
Remus sighed and shook his head. He didn’t want to be as rude to his father as he wanted to be to Dumbledore and McGonagall earlier. His dad had never failed him like they did. His dad had been close to perfect in raising his children, and now Remus was the only one left. It wasn’t just him that lost his family when The Howling Wolf burnt down but Lyall did also. Remus didn’t want to push his father away. He wanted to curl up into his arms and let himself go back to a time where he believed that his dad could protect him from anything.
Maybe if it hadn’t been for those months spent with the werewolves Remus would’ve done exactly that. But at that moment all he could think about when he looked at his dad was just how happier he could’ve been if he didn’t have a werewolf for a son. In a few weeks it would be his first full moon alone in years and the last thing he wanted was for his dad to feel some kind of responsibility over him.
Remus knew his dad very well. He knew that if he told Lyall that he wanted to move in with him that he would be welcomed with open arms. He knew that if he needed him, his dad would always be there.
But Remus was an adult now and he had just lost everyone and everything he ever had apart from his dad. Lyall Lupin was the only person left for Remus to protect, and in that moment the only way to protect his dad was for him to stay far far away.
So Remus stayed quiet. Lyall stayed for four hours. Once it started to get dark he made Remus a cold dinner that he could eat at any time, kissed his forehead and promised to be back the next day before leaving.
The moment Remus heard his father leave, he broke down into sobs.
The next day came quickly and annoyingly as he was woken up by another person banging on the door. That day it began with Kingsley. Who kept saying that he was on duty and needed to speak to Remus on record. After ten minutes of being ignored, he started pleading by saying that he was going to lose his job if he didn’t speak to Remus immediately.
He still didn’t answer the door and after sliding his card through the door, Kingsley left.
Lyall stayed true to his word and was back at the apartment in time for lunch. He made Remus a sandwich and sat with him while he ate.
Remus still didn’t speak and luckily Lyall didn’t try to make him. He just sat with him and when Remus fell back asleep he held him and sang to him until he woke up again. It made him feel young, like he was back to being a kid and had chickenpox. His dad didn’t try to make him better, he knew it would eventually pass. But he acknowledged that it sucked and stayed with him throughout it all.
When it got dark, Lyall left with another kiss to the forehead and promise to be back.
The third day was the one and only time that someone knocked, but didn’t speak.
They didn’t stay for long and weren’t very loud at all. If Remus hadn’t been up to go to the toilet he may have never heard them at all. The door sounded a few times and then another few times and then nothing.
The person just left.
Well that was pathetic, Remus thought as he stared at the door, half expecting them to come back and knock it down. It’s like they weren’t even trying.
Frank and Alice knocked close to midday.
If Remus was going to answer the door to anyone it would’ve been them. He almost did. But then he remembered.
Frank and Alice were James and Lily. They had a son. They could’ve been the ones to die. They didn’t die. They were fine and happy and alive and they were too much of a reminder that not everyone felt the same way he did.
Frank and Alice probably celebrated the end of the war. They probably held each other and baby Neville close and thanked God that it wasn’t them who the prophecy was speaking of. Thank the lord that they weren’t dead. Tough luck to anyone who was.
Remus left the door unanswered and made a mental note to never speak to them again.
As expected, Lyall came over and did exactly what he had been doing the past two days. Remus found himself looking forward to his fathers visits. He didn’t need to be someone he wasn’t ready to be around Lyall. He was allowed to lay there and wallow in his self pity knowing that his dad wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him.
Part of him wanted life to stay that way forever.
But it couldn’t. If Remus had to have learned anything during the first few months it was that life went on. No matter how much he wanted to burn the whole world to the ground he couldn’t. Life went on and so must he.
He learnt that on the fourth day. The day that Alice came back.
It was lucky timing. If she had arrived at any other time during the day she never would've made it through the front door. Alice was lucky that she crossed the road the same moment that Lyall apparated in the alley.
Remus didn’t know what Alice had told Lyall to get her to let him in. He thought that they had an understanding that Remus wanted to be left alone. But Lyall sounded so happy when he announced their arrival.
“Remus, you have a visitor! Alice, from school.”
She looked tired. That was the only thing he could think of. Throughout Hogwarts Alice had always been a force to be reckoned with. She was the beater on the Quidditch team and top of all of her classes. She would’ve made Head Girl if she was in the same year as anyone other than Amelia Bones. She was kind and lively and a friend to anyone who came into contact with her.
This wasn’t the Alice he knew and that was the only reason why he didn’t scream at her to get out.
Despite his absence of screaming, Alice and Lyall both seemed to get the idea that he didn’t want her there. Alice shuffled from one foot to the other before stitching a smile onto her face. “I just stopped by to check in on you,” she said. “I passed the neighbourhood on our way to the park. Would you like to join us?”
Remus hadn’t noticed that she had Neville on her hip until she had said that. Maybe that’s why she seemed to lopsided.
The park was tempting. He had been there many times before and over the years it had become a place of peace and comfort for Remus. His dad was looking at him with a hopeful smile, no doubt wishing that Remus would say yes and he would be able to go back to his own life without worrying that his 21 year old son wasn’t taking care of himself.
He would’ve said yes, but that park was the park that he went with Sirius to.
(A few weeks later he would learn that he couldn’t live his life avoiding everything that reminded him of them.)
Alice ended up giving Neville to Lyall, who happily took him into the kitchen to give them some time to talk, only Remus didn’t want to talk. He didn’t want to speak to anyone let alone Alice. He may have let her in but that didn’t take away the fact that she and Frank were alive while James and Lily were not.
“How are you?” Alice started with. A stupid question to kick off a stupid conversation.
Remus didn't justify it with an answer, just an obvious eye roll.
Surprisingly, Alice’s flare was still there. “You’re ignoring everyone and keeping yourself locked in your room. I’m going to ask how you are and if you have any respect for me you will answer.”
Remus’ eyebrows shot up at the response. He wasn’t expecting her to go straight for the kill. He thought she would at least start gently.
“I don't want to pass plesenties, Alice.” he shot back. “I don’t want to speak to you.”
“From the sounds of it you don’t want to speak to anyone.”
“I wonder why that is,” he said dryly and watched as Alice rolled her eyes and sat on the bed next to him. He had half a mind to kick her off but reckoned that might've been too rude.
“Remus,” she said softly this time. “I know you’re going through a lot but you can’t keep rotting away here like you are. There are people who love you and care about you.”
No, he thought. Nobody loved me like them. Nobody cared about me like they did.
“Just please leave me alone,” he whispered. “I’m not ready for all of this now.”
Alice’s voice was determined and firm. “You’ll never be ready. When I found out I didn’t want to do anything but lie in bed all day, just as you’re doing.”
Remus fought the urge to roll his eyes but the look on Alice’s face stopped him.
“He was my best friend,” she choked. “I had known James since he was born. I knew Lily since her first day at Hogwarts. I’m their child's godmother for christ sake! And I can’t even do my duties to him.”
Something in Remus’ brain restarted. “Wait – You’re not taking Harry in?”
Alice shook her head. “He’s going to live with his Aunt and Uncle.”
“What Aunt and Uncle?”
“Lily’s sister, Petunia. Have you ever met her?”
Remus nodded slowly as the memory came to mind. “Once,” he told her. “During their parents' funeral. She – She wasn’t very friendly.”
Alice huffed. “Well, she gets Harry. Apparently she made this appeal and Dumbledore thinks it will be better for him to grow up away from all of this.” She studied his face for a moment and sighed. “I did try. I am still trying but it’s hard.”
Remus nodded as if his nodding was some act of forgiveness. Remus hadn’t thought much of Harry. He guessed in his mind he ended up mourning Harry as much as he was James and Lily. He knew that he had no claim to the boy. He wasn’t a godfather (officially) and he had no money or job. Dumbledore would never let him keep the kid; not with his condition.
“I’m sorry,” he said after a moment of silence. “I know how much they all mean to you. I don’t mean to be selfish – It’s just hard.”
“I know it is. But I’m here for you and so is Frank and your dad and so many more people.” She smiled softly and took Remus’ hand. “With there only being so many of us left, I think it’s important to keep in touch and make sure that everyone is okay.” She hesitated before squeezing his hand. “Their funeral is this weekend,” she said. “I would love for you to say something.”
“Isn’t everyone going to be mad at me? I’m the boyfriend of the guy who got them killed.”
Alice shook her head. “You’re the best friend of the both of them. You’re the favourite uncle of their son. You deserve to be there and you deserve to grieve without having him on your conscience.”
Remus hummed, still debating with himself if he even wanted to go to the funeral. He had been silently hoping that he had already missed it.
Luckily for him, his dad walked back into the bedroom with Nevielle on his hip. “Little ones getting a bit fussy,” he laughed. “I reckon he misses his Mama.”
Alice’s smile was wide as she took Neville from Lyall’s hold. “Thank you for watching him Mr Lupin,” she said before turning to Remus. “I’ll be back on Tuesday, yeah?”
Remus nodded swiftly and gave the best smile he could. “Cheers, Alice.”
Alice smiled back. “You’re welcome, Remus. My door is always open. You know where I live.”
When Alice left, Remus wanted to be able to turn to his dad and tell him that he was all cured. He wanted to tell him that he was no longer upset and no longer needed his help ad hat his dad could now go back to his normal life without worrying about him. But he knew it wouldn’t be that easy.
He would still have bad days. He wasn’t planning on going out anytime soon, and still couldn’t bare to look in his old bedroom. But that night he wrote a eulogy and told his dad that he would be attending the funeral and wanted him there when he did.
He wasn’t automatically happy, and he wouldn't be for a long time. But for the first time since it happened Remus could see a life that was worth living.