Archive of Our Own ^beta

Flynn worried about his name more than was probably warranted. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it, quite the opposite actually, he’d picked it out after all. Rather, he worried that even for all that he liked it, that it wasn’t right . That when he met his soulmate—Eve Baird, as it said in a thick font on his wrist—it wouldn’t be the name on their body, and he’d have to confront the idea that maybe his father had been right, maybe his mothers tears had been for nothing. 

Maybe he wasn’t meant to be Flynn Carsen.

Most days he shoved the thought to the side and ignored it as best he could. It was easier on the busy days, the days his mind had to race a mile a minute to keep up with the task at hand. Other days it was… difficult. To not agonize over the question of whether or not his soulmate knew he was Flynn. Over whether or not he’s been faking it this whole time and that he really was meant to be a girl.

Imposter syndrome threatened to drown him more often than not, but he’d found taking a page out of Sherlock Holmes’ book— I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix— helped. He was a downright genius, what did it matter what his name or pronouns were when his brain was clearly unparalleled?

When he became a Librarian it became even easier to push the thought aside. He was battling magic and dodging death every other day, what did it matter what his name was? And the lack of a social life in light of his new position also dwindled the chances of him ever actually meeting his soulmate, and then the whole point would be moot.

Until one day a blonde NATO officer crashed into his life and he was forced to grapple with some things. Eve Baird was stunning, that was his first thought, and his second was that he absolutely didn’t want to know what was written on her. He would rather live in ignorance just this once than have to deal with it being a name he wished he could unwrite from history on her. 

They didn’t acknowledge it, not until that first mission was complete and Flynn’s whole world had been successfully rattled and spilt haphazardly over the table of his life. Eventually though, right before he left, after his whole speech of how the new Librarians needed her more than he wanted to take her with him—and he really did want to take her with him—, he told her,

“You’re my soulmate, aren’t you?” He felt almost afraid at the admittance. That he was inexorably tied to her, and that for some reason some power greater than the both of them felt they were made for one another. “Don’t… don’t tell me what name you have, on your body. I can’t…. I just can’t.”

“Do you think you aren’t my soulmate?” She asked, tilting her head ever so slightly. 

“It’s not that, it’s just that Flynn hasn’t always been my name and if it isn’t the one on you then I would rather not know,” Flynn responded. He always hated coming out, even if in such indirect ways as this. It brought him back to his fathers dismissal and his mothers tears.

Eve nodded, and then grabbed him by the lapels and kissed him. It was a promise, he knew that much, a promise that when he came back she would be there. A promise that she loved him regardless of whatever name was on her. He hoped that last part wasn’t just hopeful thinking on his part.

“Come back,” She ordered, her eyes burning with the surety that her command would be followed. Of course it would, Flynn found himself already wanting and willing to do just about anything she told him, anything she asked of him.

“Come back, yeah, I’ll uh, do that,” Flynn stuttered out, not having expected that turn of events after admitting he wasn’t always Flynn. He gestured with his head to Cassandra, Stone and Jones, “I’m leaving them in good hands.”

Eve nodded minutely, and he turned to walk away. As much as he didn’t want to leave her he had to find the Library. He had to restore what had been broken, and the Library came before all else.

Besides, he hadn’t lied when he’d said he was leaving the new Librarians in good hands.

Eventually Flynn came back. The Library was restored and he’d found a moment—aka, Eve had coraled him into taking a break “for once in his workaholic life”—to bask in some domestic bliss that he’d been missing since his last Guardian.

Eve and him were sprawled out on the floor, Eve propped up against a bookshelf, Flynn’s head in her lap. She was carding her fingers through his short hair, and he felt himself half drift off when she broke the silence.

“So, about the name on my body, why wouldn’t it be Flynn exactly?” She asked. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to of course, I’m just curious.”

“It’s fine, I guess you have a right to know,” He sighed out nervously.

“No I don’t,” Eve admonished him. “Flynn, it doesn’t matter if we’re soulmates, you have a right to privacy and I don’t get to violate that right if you don’t want me to. As much as I want to know why you think it isn’t Flynn written on me, I don’t want to push you to tell me things you’d rather not share.”

“It’ll come up later if I put it off,” Flynn shrugged. It had been a while since he’d had to explain it all in detail to someone, even if his last Guardian hadn’t known the full extent that his worry over his name caused him. “I’m transgender, and so my birth name, my deadname, isn’t Flynn. I’ve always been… worried that you wouldn’t have Flynn written on you, ever since I realized that was my name. Because if it isn’t Flynn then am I even Flynn? I’ve struggled for so long to just be a man, to be Flynn and I don’t know how I could handle that not being the name you have written. Every time I think about it not being Flynn I think about how so much of the pain I’ve caused myself and others over all of this would be useless.”

“I see,” Eve spoke after a beat of silence. “And you’d rather me not say, because you’d rather live in ignorance than have to deal with it not being Flynn?”

Flynn hummed affirmatively. 

“I promise you that what’s written doesn’t change who you are, Flynn,” Eve’s voice was strong, confident, yet soft and sweet. She was good at that strange dichotomy of authoritative yet comforting. “Nothing can take away who you are.”

“But doesn’t it? If it isn’t Flynn then that means the universe has decided I’m not meant to be Flynn.”

“Can I please just tell you what’s written? Isn’t that better than putting yourself through this much torment?”

“Eve I just… I can’t.”

He could tell that wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but she let it go for the time being at least. One day he would look, one day he would know what was written, but for now he was happy like this, basking in the silence of the Library and the company of his Guardian.

Flynn had had bad days in the past. He’d had more than he could recall, and he knew he would continue to have them until the day he died. But that didn’t make them any easier.

With the Library back he had to find a new purpose, a new drive to push him forward, but for the moment he found himself lacking one. Distraction was the key to his stability, and without it he felt himself weighed down by just about everything. An over-thinker by nature, there was no shortage of things to run around in his mind as he hunched over his desk, head in his hands.

“Flynn?” Eve spoke softly, as if speaking to a spooked animal. “What’s wrong?

“A lot, Eve,” He sighed and ran a hand down his face before looking to meet her eyes. They were brimming with concern and he hated that, hated that he was still causing problems for the people he cared about. “Too much time to think, mostly.”

“Sometimes that brain of yours is a bit of a problem, huh?” She huffed in amusement, and sat herself down on the edge of his desk. “What’s got you worked up this time, Librarian?”

“The usual,” Flynn shrugged. He didn’t see much point in going into it, it was all things he was sure had passed through her mind before. What if some artifact isn’t stored right and it hurts someone? What if some other magical force of evil sweeps the Library away? What if he dies? What if he gets one of the others killed? What if there was something he could be doing right now to prevent catastrophe?

Eve sighed and rested a hand on his shoulder comfortingly. He leaned into the touch, and saw her gaze soften at that.

“The name thing too?” She asked, and he nodded in response. It wasn’t the top of the list by any means, but it was pretty much always there in the back of his mind. “For someone so desperate for knowledge, you sure are determined to be ignorant in this situation.”

Again, Flynn simply shrugged. It was getting a bit ridiculous, his insistence on not knowing, especially given his track record of insatiability in the knowledge department. Maybe it was finally time to end this childish charade, and just face up to whatever the reality of the situation was.

“Show me,” His voice wavered, but there was a determination there. There were a thousand things in this world that he’d never be able to control—who dies, who lives, who’s good, who’s bad, the entire concept of magic existing, what name was written on Eve—but he could control how he handled this, to a degree. If it wasn’t Flynn written then… well, he may not know exactly what he’d do, but it would be something. He had saved the world more times than he could count, he could figure this out too. 

“You sure?” Eve asked even as she moved to do as he asked. 

“You’re right; it bothers me not knowing just as much as it bothers me that it might not be Flynn,” He took a deep breath and readied himself, as if he was going into battle. If his father saw him now he’d chastise Flynn for overreacting, for seeing something as silly as a name on the same level as the very real life threatening battles he’d involved himself in. Didn’t stop him from being nervous. “I want to know.”

“Ignorance doesn’t suit you, Librarian,” Eve smiled softly as she moved her shirt up to show where the name was written on one of her ribs. 

Flynn felt his throat become clogged with emotion, and his eyes watered in a way they hadn’t in a very long time. Because on Eve’s rib, in a horribly frivolous and cursive font, was his name.

Flynn Carsen.

“It’s always been Flynn,” She told him, letting her shirt fall back down to cover the name. “ You’ve always been Flynn.”

Unable to form much of any real coherence, Flynn threw himself into Eve, wrapping his arms around her. He was flooded with relief, all this time worrying and in the end he was still him. Still Flynn. 

“I’ve worried about this for so long,” Flynn laughed wetly. “I’m such an idiot, all this time…”

“Maybe,” The smile in Eve’s voice was palpable and it just made Flynn all the happier. Not only was it his name on her, but it was her that was his soulmate. This woman who was everything he’d never be and yet everything he could ever dream of. And she liked him, wanted to be around him, wanted him to be happy. “But the universe needed to even the score somehow. Otherwise how would anyone be able to compete?”

Flynn warmed at the praise, and they stayed in the embrace for a while longer. This wouldn’t fix all of his problems, not even close, but knowing he was irrevocably Flynn certainly helped to soothe the small voice of doubt in the back of his mind. And the fact that Eve Baird was his soulmate, a fact that had been overshadowed by his worry for so long and was now fully setting in? That didn’t hurt either.