Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Even though Ray promised not to touch an alcohol glass again, he was sitting on a leather armchair in his dark room with a glass of whisky in one hand and a half-burned cigarette in the other, gazing through the open glass window that reached the ceiling.   

The sky was pretty clear today. No clouds. The stars were bright, and the moon was in its complete form, illuminating the sky and the room with a silver light that seeped through the window, leaving a silhouette of him stretched on the wooden floor. 

A small, sad smile spread on his lips as he thought of the one person who wouldn’t be pleased to see him like this. Ray could imagine him standing by the door, hands on his waist as his eyebrows met in a frown. “I told you you are not allowed to drink every night. You had one last night.” He would have said if he was here. 

A night like this reminded him of the most precious person in his life. 

The person whom he loved from the bottom of his heart. Sand.

On a night like this, they both would sit together by the window, gazing at the beautiful moon and twinkling sky. With Ray’s head on his shoulder, listening to the soft melodies Sand was playing. 

“Play another song,” Ray said, leaning his chin on Sand’s shoulder, looking at him with bright, twinkling eyes that reminded Sand of the full moon. They were glorious, like small pearls.

“Enough, I am not your jukebox.” Sand smirked as he shook his head, putting his guitar aside. “Are you dating me to get your own free concert?” 

“Maybe,” Ray raised an eyebrow challengingly as he reached for Sand’s neck, turning his chin slightly with the tip of his thumb so he would face him. Pressing their forehead together, Ray whispered. “I love your voice, and I love watching you sing. You look the happiest when you sing.” 

“Do I?” Sand smiled as he leaned in to capture Ray’s lips into the most tender kiss. Ray kissed him back, inhaling all the burning feelings inside his heart. Their kisses were always messy, so tender kisses like this one always left Ray with overwhelming feelings he didn’t know how to deal with. Feelings of so much love for the boy who had always been there with him. However, love scared Ray. Whenever it came to love, he was left alone, abandoned in this world. 

“You are my favorite singer,” Ray said as he pulled away enough to look at Sand’s eyes while still feeling his burning hot breath against his soft cheeks. His fingers played at the small hair at the nap of Sand’s neck before he pressed his lips against Sand for a quick peck. “I know a lot of people would love you too.” 

Sand’s lips widened as he cupped Ray’s face in his hands before running his tongue on Ray’s lips, sending shivers down Ray’s spine. When a small moan left Ray’s lips, it was all Sand needed to hungrily devour Ray’s mouth, leaving every inch of Ray’s body eager to have Sand all to himself. 

Ray smiled at the memory. A sad smile that left his heart aching with longing. His eyes searched the room, and it was awfully quiet. The room full of Sand’s voice, singing, guitar, and his laughter was now soundless. 

Ray was used to nights like this. When he was all alone, the glass of whisky was his only companionship. Things had changed.

Placing his glass of whisky on the coffee table in front of him, Ray reached for his phone, reading all the unread messages he had been sending every day for two years now. It was the longest he hadn’t heard from Sand. Usually, both of them would end up together again, no matter how big the issue in front of them was, how badly they screamed and cursed at each other, and how often they fought.

Not this time, though. 

Ray hadn’t heard back from Sand in two years. He just disappeared. No matter how long he had searched for him, there was no trace of Sand. 

And now the text message between them had become like a diary to him, sending every little detail about his life to Sand, hoping he would read them one day.

Taking a breathful amount of nicotine, Ray let out the smoke slowly before reaching for his phone keyboard and typing: ‘It is the 22nd of February; I miss you a little bit more than usual. I am drinking whisky again and thinking about how you would scold me for it. It made me smile and remember how the two of us watched the moon while you sang for me. I am still your number one fan, Sand. I miss your voice.’ Ray pressed send before writing another text. ‘How can I reach you? I looked for you everywhere, Sand. Please text back. I need you.’ 

Ray sighed before looking up at the ceiling. He should give up. Sand wouldn’t come back. No matter how much he tried, Ray had to accept that it was over for them. However, these frustrated feelings inside of him kept pushing him into not giving up. Sand promised he would be a friend to him no matter what happened in the future. 

His thoughts were cut short when his phone buzzed in his hand. And like the silver moonlight, something inside of him lit up, and suddenly there was hope. His heart was beating so fast inside of his chest cavity as he jumped in his place. 

It was too soon to have hope. Ray’s smile dropped when he checked his phone, and the notifications weren’t from the person he wanted to hear back from the most. He bit down on his lips as he saw Mew’s name showing up. 

Pressing on Mew’s message, Ray rolled his eyes when he caught a glimpse of Mew’s display picture. It was a photo they took last month during their trip to Paris of him and his boyfriend, Top, kissing in front of the Eiffel Tower. Ray didn’t understand why he had to see this every time he messaged Mew. 

‘Hey friend, I have something for you. Are you here?’

‘What’s up?’ Ray texted back. 

‘Have you been able to contact Sand yet?’ 

‘No hope. Maybe I should give up.’

Mew didn’t make him wait for long before sending in a Spotify link to a song of a singer Ray wasn’t familiar with. However, the title “Timeless Space” caught his attention. A new text followed right away, making Ray’s breath catch in his chest. ‘Isn’t that Sand? The singer’s name is unfamiliar, but the voice…’

Ray didn’t continue reading the message as he immediately opened the Spotify link. And at the first beat of the guitar string, Ray’s heart jumped inside his chest. Ray closed his eyes as he listened to the song Sand had spent days and nights working on. He remembered how Sand crumpled music sheets and threw them across the room just because the song wasn’t good enough. Ray would pick up the paper and try as hard as he could to straighten it back without ripping it. 

“Why would you pick trash?” Sand said out of frustration, putting the guitar aside as he ran a hand over his face. 

“Those aren’t trash. Those are timeless songs. They never die.” Ray said as he gave Sand back the paper. 

Sand smiled, shaking his head as he pulled Ray closer to him, letting him sit on his lap. “Do you know what else is timeless?” 

Ray looked around as if he was thinking before shrugging. 

Sand pointed at Ray’s heart before pointing at his own heart. “This.” 

Ray made a face as he rolled his eyes. “Do you know you can be cheesy sometimes? Like, it’s so cheesy. I cannot stand you.” 

Sand laughed as he cupped his hand on Ray’s hips, pulling him closer. “But too bad you are too much addicted to me. You cannot run away from me.” 

“Oh, you wanna take a bet?” Ray raised an eyebrow as he tugged on Sand’s shirt before pulling it up above his head and throwing it across the room. Ironically, it fell in the same place Sand had thrown away the paper.

“You will lose, Ray.” Sand whispered against Ray’s lips as Ray started to grind himself against his lap. 

“You talk too much; kiss me now,” Ray said as Sand didn’t waste another sec. He captured Ray’s lips in a heated kiss, biting down on his lower lip, nipping and pulling it in a way the drove Ray to insanity as Sand’s hands reached down to unbuckle Ray’s belt. Ray smiled against Sand’s lips as he watched how Sand became breathless with each move he made. Sand didn’t only sound good while singing. 

A tear rolled down Ray’s cheek as the song ended. Taking in a sharp breath, Ray couldn’t take his eyes off his phone.

Timeless Space by Bar Boy.

There was no doubt that this was Sand. 

“Found you,” Ray said to himself. 

He finally found him.

Chapter Text

Sand thought that fate was playing a silly joke on him. 

His legs wouldn’t take another step closer. It was pinned to the ground beneath him, when the person sitting on the chair stood up and turned around to greet him with a formal smile on his face. Sand tried hard to smile, too. But Sand wasn’t the best when it came to hiding his feelings, and right now, his heart twisted a little. He felt like his breath was knocked out of his lungs. 

He couldn’t help but stare at the face he thought he would never see again. 

He looked exactly how Sand remembered him—polished from head to toe. His hair, which was a little shorter than he remembered, was held smoothly back, with a few strands covering his forehead. He was wearing an open shirt with huge patterns of colors covering the space like a beautiful canvas over a black tank top and dark jeans. His shoes were sparkling. It reflected the lights in the small studio. 

And his perfume was too familiar. It filled his nostrils with a nostalgic smell that sent him back to three years of being madly in love.

When Nick, his friend of five years who was now his manager, told him they would meet his new sponsor for his new album and he wanted to hear him singing in his studio, Sand didn’t expect it to be… him. 

“Here came our brilliant, great guy, Bar Boy.” The producer and the one who discovered Sand and helped him debut, Todd, walked beside Sand as he wrapped his arm around his shoulder, giving it an encouraging squeeze. He gestured toward the sponsor, “This is Ray Pakorn.” 

Sand could hear the excitement in Todd’s Voice. Even though Todd was annoyingly close to him, Sand couldn’t take his eyes off Ray. His voice was muffled in the background as Sand focused on the familiarity of having Ray around again. It made his heart skip a beat involuntarily, and he took a sharp, deep breath to realize this was reality.

The way Ray’s eyes were pinned on him, not even bothered by Todd or Nick’s existence, made the hair at the back of his neck stand. And, as if everything had disappeared, at this moment, it felt like there was no one else in the room except them. 

“Can you imagine getting sponsored by one of the richest businessmen in our country?” Todd’s excited, high-pitched voice rang high close to his ears, snapping Sand out of the moment. “Are not you excited?” 

“Nothing to be excited about.” Sand said, finally managing to break eye contact.”It’s just another sponsorship.”

Getting all his senses back, Sand adjusted the guitar bag on his shoulder. He gave Nick a look that was screaming, why the hell didn’t you warn me? Nick avoided his eye contact, looked away, and acted clueless. 

“Nice to meet you… Bar Boy.” Sand almost winced at how Ray pronounced his stage name. So they were pretending that they didn’t know each other. “I am excited to be working with you from now on.” 

Ray smiled as he extended his arm for a handshake; however, his eyes were challenging Sand, and looking closely at his smile, it was turning slightly up to a smirk. Sand looked at it for a few seconds, eyebrow raised, before shrugging Todd’s arm off his shoulders. 

Todd cleared his voice awkwardly, stepping to the side before he smiled back at Ray. “He is excited, don’t worry about it—”

“So you want to know if my new song is worth sponsoring?” Sand didn’t direct his words to anyone in the room as he nudged his way inside and sat on the long couch. He dropped his guitar bag beside him as he started to open it and get the guitar out. 

Looking at his hand, still waiting for Sand to handshake it, Ray smiled as he put it inside his pocket, sitting back on the chair. A scoff skipped his lips as he put a leg over the other, leaning his back on the chair as he looked at Sand, who no longer would meet his eyes. “I need to make sure what I put my money into is worth it. Right?” 

Ray looked at Nick, who cleared his throat and avoided Ray’s eyes. However, he made the mistake of meeting Sand’s hawk eyes instead. Gulping hard wasn’t helping with how his throat was drying up. 

A sigh skipped Sand's throat as he rolled his eyes before raising an eyebrow at Ray. Spatting his words, he said. “No one is forcing you to put your money into anything,” 

“Sand!” Todd’s eyes widened as he gasped. Shocked by what just happened, Todd hurried to sit beside Ray, giving him an apologetic look. “I am sorry. Our brilliant singer is normally friendly. I am not sure why he is acting this way. I promise you his singing is better than his behavior.” Todd looked at Sand with a frown on his face, giving him a questioning look. “Probably, he hasn’t got his coffee yet. Should I get you coffee?” 

“I don’t need coffee.” Sand said suddenly, stopping Todd, who was panicking out of nowhere and trying hard not to lose the sponsorship Ray had offered. “Let’s get this job done.”

Sand knew better than to walk out of this room right now and break this deal. His debut album did well on the charts and was so loved, but it wasn’t enough to be able to make another and have the same success without the help of a good sponsorship. And no matter how much Sand wanted to walk away, a tiny part of him longed for his presence in the same room. 

Sand hated that he was pathetic like this when it came to Ray. He hated how his heart skipped a beat just by seeing him. He hated how he kept stealing glances in his direction, curious about him. 

He shouldn’t act like this. 

Sand had done his best to hide and never get Ray back in his life. 

He had done everything he could to erase him from his heart. It wasn’t easy. And seeing him now wasn’t helping. 

Picking up his guitar, Sand played the first note, and everyone remained silent.

With his heart drumming in his ears, Sand took a deep breath. Glancing one more time at Ray, a realization hit him hard. 

He was fucked up.

~~

It feels like there's oceans

Between me and you once again

We hide our emotions

Under the surface and tryin' to pretend

Ray was pressing his lips tightly together to prevent them from quivering as he listened to Sand singing passionately in front of him. He sunk himself deeper into his chair as he leaned his elbow on its arm and weighted his chin in his balm. With each lyric, his heart was aching, and guilt washed over him. Something about the way Sand sang unlocked a new memory at the back of Ray’s head. 

A memory of when they decided to go on their first trip together to the beach. They decided to go to the one where Sand’s parents met for the first time. Ray wanted to create a special memory with Sand at the place that meant so much to him. He was hoping that maybe after this trip, Sand would be able to go and talk to his father. 

Ray watched Sand, who was sleeping peacefully in the driver's seat after driving for a long time. They hadn’t booked any hotels since the trip was as spontaneous as every decision they had taken in their lives, so they decided to dip into dreamland for a little bit before watching the sunrise together.

“Ray~” A smile spread on Ray’s lips when Sand murmured his name in his dreams. It made him wonder what he was dreaming about; were they having a naughty moment, or was Sand trying to scold him again? 

“What are you dreaming about, Sand?” A low chuckle skipped his lips as Ray whispered to himself before reaching for the blanket covering him and placing it over Sand instead. Placing a small kiss on his boyfriend’s cheeks, Ray opened the door and hopped out of the car to stretch his legs. 

Ray yawned as he stretched his arms above his head and arched his back to the front. Ray took a mental note that no place is better than his bed for sleeping. He felt like a fifty-year-old man when he was just in his early twenties . 

At the horizon, the sun started to get brighter. A faint light of baby blue painted the dark blue sky against the dark ocean. A smile stretched on his face as he checked the time on his clock. It is almost the time for sunrise. 

“Sand.” Ray opened the car door suddenly, making Sand jump in his chair. 

“What? What happened?” Sand asked. His eyes widened as he looked around him in confusion. When his eyes fell on Ray, a sigh of relief skipped his throat as he realized where he was. 

“ I am sorry, I should have been gentler.” Ray apologized almost immediately at the realization that he almost gave Sand a heart attack. With a gentler voice this time, Ray smiled at his boyfriend, who still looked so handsome with the dark circles under his eyes from the lack of sleep and messy fluffy hair. “The sun is about to rise.” 

Getting out of the car, Sand stretched his arms and body. When Sand winced at his bones popping, Ray smirked.

“Old man.” Ray teased as if his bones weren’t popping too a few minutes ago. 

“We are still in our twenties.” Sand walked toward Ray with a big smile on his face. Extending his hand out for Ray to hold it, he said. “Let’s go.” 

Taking Sand’s hand, he helped him climb the small fence separating the road and the beach. Sand’s hand was protectively placed on Ray’s small back as Ray hopped over the fence. 

“I never climbed over a fence before,” Ray said, at which Sand rolled his eyes before following him and landing on the sand with a muffled thud. 

“I won’t call it climbing, though.” Sand chuckle. Ray was indeed someone who wouldn't need to climb any kind of fence. He would rather break all gates than climb anything. “Maybe we can climb your house fence. You would know then what climbing a fence is really like.” 

“Oh, maybe we should really do it when we go back home.” Ray’s eyes sparkled at the intriguing idea. Sand looked at him with an eyebrow raised, and Ray chuckled, shaking his head. “I am just joking.” 

“If we climb your fence, Boy will greet us with his sharp teeth. He would think we are thieves or something.” 

Boy was Ray’s dog. He got him right after his mother’s death. His father was trying to cheer him up, except for Boy to bite Ray on the first day, ending with him in the hospital for a week. Whenever Ray told Sand this story, he didn’t seem upset about the memory. He would tell it with a smile on his face, saying, “This is how I bonded with Boy. He never left my side after I returned home because he felt guilty about it.” 

“Well, you stole my heart. Maybe Boy should bite you after all.” Ray nudged Sand as they walked over the soft yellow sand and stopped right where the waves collided with it. 

Taking off their shoes, Sand and Ray took a deep breath, inhaling the fresh air of the morning, feeling the sand between their toes, and enjoying the sight of the water rising and coming closer to their feet. The sky was blending in orange and yellowish brightness slowly as the sun rose behind the sparkling ocean. 

Ray leaned his head on Sand’s shoulder as their finger intertwined. 

It was amazing watching a new day being born out of the darkness. And just like how the sun became bright and the sky became more blue, tiredness washed away. 

“The ocean scares me.” 

“Why?”

“You don’t know what is beneath the surface. You don’t know the stories it witnesses. It is silent and hides a lot of things inside of it.” 

“Just like you,” Ray said, looking at Sand with a small smile.

“Thank you.” Sand said, gaining Ray’s attention. He looked up at him with a puppy, confused eyes. “I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to come here. Thank you for coming with me.” 

Ray wrapped his hand around Sand’s neck as he pulled him closer, capturing his lips in a kiss that sent chills all the way to his toes. Sand was kissing him back as passionately. Whenever they kissed, it was like a challenge: who would make whom breathless first, like a war of domination with tongues! Sand pulled Ray closer to his chest. His hands roamed every muscle of Ray’s back as Ray’s hands slid into Sand’s hair, pulling into it and messing it more. 

Breathlessly, they leaned their forehead against each other. Feeling the moment of them being close, with waves crashing against their shin, getting their jeans wet. 

“You wanna make babies here?” Ray said out of nowhere, catching Sand off guard. 

Sand almost choked on his saliva. “What?”

“I mean…” Ray’s smile widened as his fingers fidgeted on Sand’s T-shirt before sliding his cold hand inside his T-shirt, touching the soft, warm skin of Sand’s waist. Sand jumped out of the sudden cold contact as a slight gasp left his lips. 

“Your hands are so freaking cold, Ray.” Sand said, but he never pulled Ray’s hand out. 

“Make them warm then.” 

Sand raised an eyebrow teasingly as he reached for Ray’s top tank, pulling it out of his jeans. “You are insane.” 

That day, it was ride or die for them. A wild ride of their youth, where they hoped no one was walking and saw them gripping, holding, and screaming—an insane idea while being sober but drunk in love. The ocean was the only witness of their love. 

But it feels like there's oceans

Between you and me

I want you

As Sand sang his last verse, Ray let out a deep breath. Snapping himself of the memory that left him longing. He wanted to hold Sand right now and right there, apologizing for everything he had said and done. How did he just let go of the love of his life?

Now, Sand’s lyrics hit harder as Ray realized what they had become. 

“That’s a part of the song.” Sand said, not meeting Ray’s eyes. 

“So what do you think?” Todd asked Ray eagerly. 

“It is good.” Ray nodded, “An excellent singer indeed. Touching everyone’s heart with his voice.” 

“I know, right.” Todd clapped excitedly as if he had hit the jackpot. “Then we can continue to talk about—“

“I have one condition.” 

Sand raised an eyebrow at Ray, trying to read his facial expression. He was looking at him challengingly as if he was testing him. Ray loved to play games, and of course, this would be one more of his little games. 

“C-condition?” Todd stuttered, confused, as he looked from Ray to Sand, who wasn’t pleased, and back at Ray again. 

“Sand has to write a song for me and add it to the new album. I want to work with him on this song.” 

Chapter Text

*Three years ago*

Ray looked at the sight in front of him and his heart ached. 

“Let me help you.” Ray offered. 

Sand was sitting on the bed, surrounded by a large pile of crumpled papers. A guitar lay abandoned beside him, a string, much like his boyfriend’s spirit, was broken and in need of repair.  Ray silently observed Sand massaging the fingers on his right hand, the tips of his fingers were bleeding from playing too long and too hard. Annoyance was clear on Sand’s face as he looked down at his injured hands. 

Approaching slowly, Ray grabbed a chair and sat opposite his boyfriend. Ray retrieved the alcohol wipes from the drawer in the nightstand and gently reached for one Sand’s hands. He pulled the hand towards himself and placed the it on his own lap. The small action helped draw Sand’s attention away from his wounds and redirect it to Ray. Now face to face, Ray offered him a sympathetic look before tenderly attending to Sand’s wounds. Sand’s expression only softened when Ray, finished with the first aid, picked up his hand and gently kissed the back of it. 

“It’s okay to ask for help Sand.” Ray offered or more like pleaded, he looked at Sand with his usual puppy dog eyes in the hopes they would have the usual effect. “I’m here for you. You’re my boyfriend and you know you can lean on me, right?”

Ray had started therapy two years ago, and Sand had noticed the improvement. Ray’s once pale face now flushed with colour and looked fuller due to a healthier diet. But therapy and rehab hadn’t been an easy journey for either of them. They had gone to hell and back but had remained by each other’s side, the fight to do better outweighing the hard times they faced.  Watching Ray do better filled Sand’s heart with warmth and peace, like the sun breaking through the clouds after a storm.

He was so proud of the man Ray had become but at the same time it left him heartbroken as he felt he couldn’t match his lover's effort. Sand wished he was a better boyfriend. While Ray was focusing on rehab and the hostel, Sand had been focusing on growing their alcohol brand and chasing after a long-held dream.  The urge to be one of the best indie singers in Thailand drove him forward but sometimes it felt like he was chasing a mirage. He could see the dream but could never seem to get close to it. 

Unachievable

“Maybe I should just focus on our small business and forget about singing for a while.” He looked at Ray and forced a smile onto his face, but that smile wouldn’t deceive Ray. He caught the glimpse of sadness in his eyes. 

“I mean why am I chasing a dream that is only hold me back?”

Sand couldn’t remember how many times he gone to auditions that ended in rejection, but he did remember that Ray had always been there with him through it all. Sand had often protested that Ray didn’t need to come each time only to witness the disappointment, but Ray had said, “You’re always there for me after a heavy therapy session with your beautiful smile and when I see it, all my sadness goes away. I forget about whatever happened in that session. So, I want to be there for you too and greet you with a smile, so all your disappointment goes away”. 

Back then, Sand believed that if Ray was beside him that everything would be okay.  But now he knew they weren’t in a movie; things didn’t always work out and multiple disappointments had left him drained. Sand was reaching the point where he was wondering why he was still doing this, why was he still chasing after his mirage. 

P’Yo’s bar had been his last hope.

Sand had been doing a lot of gigs there. He had started to play more of his own songs in the hope that people would grow to love them and promote them. The response had been pretty good at first, but people soon started to ask for covers again. P’Yo had come to Sand apologetically and explained “Your songs are really good Sand, but people don’t know them, and they just want to listen and sing to music they know”.  

P’Yo knew how much singing meant to Sand and how hard he worked at it. So, when she spoke to Sand about going back to his old set, he knew it was not something she had wanted to do, and the decision was out of her hands. People came to YOLO to listen to their favourite songs, and Sand’s songs just couldn’t compete with that.

“I know someone who can help you.” Ray offered, holding Sand’s hand tighter. “Let me help you just this once.”

“No Ray.” Sand snapped, shaking his head. “I want to do this on my own.”

“But it would be easier if I helped you.”

“Exactly, that’s why I won’t let you.” 

Sand didn’t like it when Ray offered him money. It made him feel worthless. It made him feel like he was only dating Ray for his money. He hated feeling that way, but he couldn’t help it.  He saw it in people’s eyes when they saw them together, how they would look down their noses at Sand and although they never said it to his face, he knew they were thinking gold digger.

An ex-friend had once joked “I guess you won the lottery when you slept with Ray.”  Before he knew what had happened, Sand found himself standing red faced, his fist clenched with sore knuckles and breathing hard as he stared down at his “friend” sprawled on the ground screaming in pain. Blood streamed out of his now broken nose. The punch had happened so fast it had taken everyone off guard, including Sand. Sand had never spoken to that “friend” again.

“You have already invested in the business and the hostel. If I’m going to do this then I want to do it for myself, by myself, without your help or your money.” Sand was irritated, “I’m your boyfriend Ray, not your charity case.”

“I know you’re not a charity case.” Ray said defensively and mildly offended.  “I just don’t like seeing you like this. I can help you, but you’re not letting me. I want to do this for you as your boyfriend. I want you to have your dream.”

“No Ray, you already do enough, you own this house and I live here for free. You settled my mom’s hospital fees against my wishes. And yesterday I found out that you’re sending her money under my name, and on that you still haven’t explained why?”

Looking and feeling guilty, Ray let go of Sand’s hand, “Your mother told me how her place wasn’t doing well, and that she wasn’t able to pay the girl’s wages. I just wanted to help. I didn’t tell you because you were already stressed out and I knew what your response would be.”

“God, Ray.” Sand sighed exasperated by the whole situation. He knew his mother’s place had not been doing well but to have Ray stepping in and taking care of it left him feeling embarrassed and lacking as a son. He ran a hand across his face and through his hair, frustrated. 

“You are not to help her anymore, okay?  You are to stop sending her money, she’s my mother and I will find a way to help her. Okay? Ray?  Sand fixed Ray with a firm expression waiting for his agreement. 

“But you won’t be able to do it on your own. Your business is still not doing well, Sand.” Ray protested, “Why do you keep building walls these between us? I know you want to be independent, but I’m your boyfriend, Sand and I want to be there for you and your family. I want to take some of the weight off your shoulders. I want to be helpful.”

“You’ll be helpful if you don’t get involved anymore, we don’t need your help and its none of your business.” Sand shot back without thinking. 

His sharp words pierced Ray’s heart like a knife, and Ray sat for a moment in silence, staring at Sand with a hurt expression. Sand realized what he had just said had crossed a line, and moved quickly to apologise but it was too late. Ray stood up and quickly walked out of the room, slamming the door behind him so hard that the walls shook. Angry at himself for snapping, Sand shoved everything around him off the bed and onto the floor and sat there looking at the mess he’d made, but he didn’t care. 

Sand scoffed to himself; movies had lied when they made it seem like “happyily ever after” came after the main characters got together. That was just the start of the story, they never showed the struggles those couples faced to maintain that happiness.

~~

*Present time*

“Sand has to write a song for me and add it to the new album. I want to work with him on this song.”

The silence in the room was deafening. The ticking of the clock no one had ever paid attention to before was all that could be heard. Todd was standing, blinking, and confused, looking between Sand and Ray trying to figure out what he was missing. Nick was desperately resisting the urge to run out of the room. Sand was staring at Ray like he was ready to kill. But Ray didn’t break eye contact with Sand, he merely continued to smile back as innocently as he could as if what he had suggested was a completely normal request from a sponsor. 

“A song?” Todd confirmed clearly still confused by the request and even more confused by the strange air that hung between them all now. 

Todd looked at Nick, “Ray just called Bar Boy by his real name?” but Nick didn’t respond. Eyes widening, Todd looked back and forth between Sand and Ray, “S-Sand!? Do you know each other? Cause I never told him your real name so how does he kn-”

“Yes. I want to sing a song with Sand.” Ray cut across Todd’s question ignoring it. Ray’s gaze was still solely fixed on Sand. “I don’t do charity work. If Sand wants my money, he will have to agree to my condition.”  Ray raised an eyebrow in challenge, but Sand didn’t respond but maintained his icy stare in silence. 

“Can you… sing though?” Todd couldn’t stop asking questions. “Like, Bar Boy, Sorry I mean, Sand probably wouldn’t mind but …”

“I mind.” Sand interrupted in an irritated voice, he turned and placed the guitar beside him on the couch. An angry sigh escaped his throat, and he fixed Todd with a glare that said there was no way he was agreeing to this. “I won’t work with him.” Sand stated with finality.

“No deal then.” Ray replied with a smug smile, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. He stood up to leave but not before giving one last look towards Sand, who raised his eyebrow, a silent challenge ‘Is that all you got?’

“Wait, wait, wait,” Todd said, panicking as he pulled Ray back down on the chair before turning to Sand. “It’s just one song. I’m sure he isn’t that bad at singing. Autotune can fix anything.”

But the issue wasn’t Ray’s singing. 

Sand knew better than anyone that Ray sang beautifully. He still remembered how Ray had sung for him on his birthday back at a time when neither of them knew how define their relationship. After they had gotten together, they had sang together at Top & Mew’s wedding and occasionally sang to their family and friends during holidays and parties. They had loved singing together. It was a part of who they were together. 

But that part or any part of their relationship that didn’t exist anymore.

“It’s just one song, Sand,” Ray said sarcastically. 

“What do you really want, Ray?” Sand shot back, clearly over whatever game Ray was trying to play. 

Reading the tense atmosphere, Nick grabbed a still confused Todd by the arm and pulled him to his feet, “Our cue to leave, Todd”. Todd tried to protest, he had so many questions that no one was willingly answering but he quickly gave in when Nick shook his head and proceeded to drag him out of the room and swiftly close the door behind them. 

“What are you doing here, Ray?” Sand said as soon as the door closed. 

Sand clasped his hands together and leaned his elbows on his knees and bent forward, to examine Ray more closely. He still looked like the same old Ray. The same Ray who made him believe in love, made him believe that he deserved to be loved and who had given him all the love in the world but still the same Ray that had ripped it all away in the blink of an eye.  

Sand didn’t just blame Ray for their downfall. It was both of them. Both of them had been at fault. Both of them had hurt each endlessly and both of them had brought the other to a point that there was no love left, only hatred. 

And it should stay this way. Sand was determined. 

“I thought you would be happy to see me,” Ray smirked said, but his smile soon dropped. “but you seemed much happier when it was Boeing re-appearing in your life.” He seethed. 

“I’m not talking about him; I’m talking about you! Why are you here? How did you find me?” Sighing, Sand licked the bottom of his lip before meeting Ray’s eye. His eyes were just as Sand remembered them, charming, mesmerizing, sharp and dark and yet holding the whole universe within them. Sand had to force himself to look away; something about Ray gaze was like a magnet to him, always drawing him in, holding him in place.

“Relax, Sand. I am not here for you,” Ray lied. Of course, he was there for him. If anything, he should have come three months earlier, the moment he heard Sand’s song. Mew was the one who had stopped him. “If you suddenly appear again in his life for no good reason, he will just push you away and disappear again.” Mew had pleaded with Ray to be calm and rational, but he was far beyond that. He needed to see Sand. 

Looking at how Sand was acting now; Mew’s word made a lot of sense.  If it wasn’t for the deal he was offering, Ray knew Sand would have immediately walked away the minute their eyes met. 

Luckily for Ray, Mew had still been in contact with Nick. Nick had been good enough to hide Sand’s whereabouts at the start. That was until Mew told him it was obvious that Bar Boy was Sand. Tired of the secrets Nick had given in and spilled everything to Mew. 

Using the information he got from Nick, Mew let Ray know that Sand needed a sponsorship deal for a new album and that was all the incentive Ray needed to abandon what remained of his rationality. After three months of going crazy, knowing where Sand was but not being able to do anything about it, Ray was finally where he wanted to be, sitting in front of Sand. 

“I am here just for business,” Ray lied again but dropped the sarcastic tone. “It’s time for SandRay Winery to up its marketing and get the face of Bar Boy on it.”

“You haven’t changed the name?” Sand scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Find someone else, Ray. I won’t do it.”

“Look, you’re pretty popular now, but your identity is still hidden. Imagine how big the brand could be if your face makes its debut on it. Both your brand and your album would be big hits.”

“I thought it was just my voice you wanted to sponsor, not my face” Sand leaned back and frowned. 

“Oh, Todd hasn’t told you.” Ray smirked, Sand’s confused face was enough to confirm that Sand being a model for their brand, was indeed brand-new information to him. “Anyway, it’s a good deal for you to come back to your own brand.” Ray placed emphasis on the word “own”. 

“It’s not my brand, never was, you own it.” 

“Sand.” Ray whined, deciding to make use of an old weapon, his puppy eyes. Sand had not seen this side of Ray in so long that it caught him off guard and he froze monetarily. Ray seizing the opportunity, stood up, walked to the couch, and casually plopped himself beside Sand. Ray sat so close that their knees touched, and Sand could feel Ray’s oh so familiar body heat next to him. Sand remained silent so Ray carried on, sensing this was his chance. 

“I know you hate me, and I deserve it. But please, let’s do this together. I get your beautiful face on our brand, and you get to make a new album. Please, Sand, please” Like in old times Ray dragged out the final “Please”. 

“Why me? You could have gotten anyone, someone who is more popular even.”

“Because no one else can do it but you. It’s always been you; Sand, and it always will be.” Ray had moved his body closer. Ray was now so close that Sand could feel his breath on his neck, but Sand refused to look in his direction. He needed to remain composed. 

Sand inhaled deeply; he could feel his heart beginning to pound in his chest as Ray maintained the closeness. The hair at the back of his neck stood on end and he could feel the goosebumps rising on his arms. Ray had always had this effect on him and apparently it hadn’t eased with time or distance much to Sand’s immediate frustration. Ray’s words and the sound of his voice held the ability to turn his whole world around, make the butterflies appear in his stomach and a beautiful melody sound in his ears. A feeling he thought he would never have again and yet here he was and here it was. 

“Get it together, Sand”. He silently reprimanded himself. Now was not the time for a trip down memory lane. 

But scolding himself wasn’t enough. He needed some air. Some distance from Ray, physical distance, and immediately.  Abruptly, Sand jumped to his feet, marched across the room, pulled open the door, walked through letting it slam loudly behind him. He stormed down the corridor and out the nearest emergency exit. He needed a cigarette and now. 

“You can’t feel this way, Sand” he told himself, leaning his head against the wall and taking a deep breath in the hopes of calming himself down. 

He stood himself up straight and with a shaking hand, searched his pockets for his pack of cigarettes. He found them in the back pocket of his jeans, he pulled one out and placed it between his lips. He patted down his pockets for his lighter only to realise that he had left it in his other jacket. 

“Damn it.” he nearly shouted as he clenched and unclenched his fist. Defeated, Sand leaned on the wall beside him. He closed his eyes and willed his heart to stop thumping and allow him a second to think straight. 

Click

Sand’s eyes snapped open at the sound of someone clicking a lighter. And like Deja Vu, Ray was in front of him, holding up a lighter to the cigarette. He stared at Ray for a second but then leaned close to touch the tip of the cigarette to the flame. When the cigarette finally lit, he inhaled deeply. The familiar smoke filled his lungs and he felt himself become marginally calmer. He leaned back against the wall before breathing out the cloud of smoke.

“Why is it so hard to get away from you, Ray?” Sand finally asked, inhaling sharply once more on his cigarette.

“Why would I let you get away, Sand?” Ray challenged. 

It was seven o’clock at night. The moon was bright and full in the night’s sky. The breeze was cool, cool enough to send shivers down someone’s spine. But neither party felt it, instead there was a heat rising between them, flushing their cheeks. Sand started to feel like every part of his body was on fire like he had touching burning lava and but couldn’t pull away.

Sand watched as Ray lifted his right hand and gently caressed his cheek, he closed his eyes at the gently contact and took another drag on the cigarette. With his eyes still closed, he felt a hand snake to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. He didn’t resist. Soft lips like pillows came together. The sudden contact made Sand exhale and Ray refusing to give up the kiss he had longed for welcomed in the smoke that escaped Sand’s lips. 

Sand dropped the cigarette from between his fingers and grabbed Ray’s tiny waist and pulled him closer.  He kissed Ray back with the same eagerness and yearning as Ray was displaying. Nothing else mattered in this moment. Finally after all this time, It was just them again. Them against the world. Time ceased to exist and the world around them fell away. 

Sand roamed his hands over Ray’s arms, back, neck, anywhere he could reach. Feeling him all over again. Reminding himself. In this moment, Sand couldn’t think of anything but kissing Ray, not the fight, not the pain, not the breakup. Nothing, just Ray. 

But just when it all seemed right, the universe played its hand. 

Sand’s phone started buzzing in his pocket, it snapped him out of his dream state and sharply back to reality. He pushed Ray away, and he breathed heavily, his eyes widening in disbelief at the realisation of what had just happened.  It was as if a bucket of ice had just been thrown over him and Sand could feel the cold of the night once again. 

Sand pulled out his phone and he stared at it. His heart sank upon seeing the name on the screen. A lump was forming at the back of his throat, making it hard to swallow or talk. He looked at Ray, who still looked shocked at being pushed away, but didn’t say anything. With his eyes full of regret he just stared at Ray and then looked back at his phone. 

He closed his eyes for a brief moment, swallowed hard to steady himself and then turned his back to Ray and said, “This is wrong, Ray.” Ray started to walk towards him but before he could reach him or say anything, Sand answered the call.

“Yeah, sorry for not picking up right away. Are you okay?” Ray frowned at how Sand’s voice had changed, became softer “I will be home in another hour or so… I think. Yeah… Okay, see you then.” Sand ended the call but didn’t turn around. 

“Who was that?” Ray hesitated to ask but needed to know. Sand turned back around and but avoided eye contact. Ray knew the answer, he could see it in Sand’s eyes even if they didn’t meet his own, but he waited for Sand to speak. 

“My girlfriend.” Sand replied quietly. Ray heard the two words, and the world went silent, all that was left were his own numb thoughts.

You’ve replaced me.

“If you want us to work together, we need to keep it… just business.”

You’ve moved on.

“I will only agree to your offer 'cause I need you for the album. And you need me for the brand.”

You have someone else.

“Let’s just work together, Okay, nothing else.”

Sand stretched his hand out to Ray and finally raised his head to look at Ray, but Ray could only look soullessly at the hand held out in front of him. Without reaching out his own hand, he raised his eyes to meet Sand’s. The sudden panic rising in his chest was shutting off all motor functions and all he could do was stare. 

I’ve lost you. 

Chapter Text

The feeling of the kiss lingered on his lips. The feeling of Ray lingered in his soul. 

Sand raised his finger and touched his mouth. The sensation of Ray’s lips against his, the taste on the tip of his tongue (cigarettes mingled with something sweet), familiar touches that left him with a fluttering feeling in his stomach, Sand was devasted. How after all this time, did their lips still fit perfectly together, like two puzzle pieces completing each other, each making the other whole. Sand inhaled sharply, remembering how Ray felt beneath his touch, how the small frame still fit comfortably in his arms,  how Ray’s scent and presence still reminded him of wildfire, brutal and dangerous. 

“Sand!” 

Nick’s voice snapped Sand out of his sinful thoughts and the world around him came into focus again. Instead of being tangled in Ray’s embrace, he was in Nick’s small car that smelled like cheap cigarettes and citric perfume. Sand almost had his back to Nick, his body angled to stare out the car window. The air conditioning suddenly felt cold on his skin, sending shivers down his spine, helping to pull him back to the present and leave his confused thoughts behind. 

Outside the car, traffic was barely moving. Impatient drivers honked their horns, polluting the air and Sand’s ears with unnecessary noise. Sand could not understand people who resorted to such behaviour, it wasn’t like cars could magically find a path through the traffic upon hearing the sound of a horn. 

Everyone needs to learn some patience , thought Sand. Patience had always been Sand’s strongest trait. He sighed as he thought of how people had often taken advantage of this fact, abused it even. A fact he hadn’t realised until Nick pointed it out. One afternoon, Nick had found him staring hopelessly at the ceiling in his room and challenged him, “Sand, when will you stop letting people take advantage of your kindness and patience? Haven’t you learned anything from your relationship with Ray?” 

It was only then Sand realized that being so patient may not be the positive he thought it was. Maybe being so patient, when anyone else would have walked away, was the very thing that destroyed him.

Since leaving the studio, Nick had glanced at Sand here and there, trying to catch his eye, trying to force conversation but Sand hadn’t acknowledged or spoken a word to him. Sand had silently entered the car, closed the door and put in his EarPods.  He had wanted to listen to music, it had always calmed him before, helped him think but he couldn’t get his mind to stop racing enough to pick a song, instead he had sat in silence, acting like Nick didn’t exist, lost in the confusion of recent events. 

“Sand,” Nick tried again, his voice gentler now but still guilt ridden. “Sand, please, I’m sorry.”

Sand glanced over at his friend. A friend who had betrayed him. A friend who he never thought would do this to him. Sand studied his “friend”, Nick knew how much the relationship had hurt both Sand and Ray alike. Knew how hard Sand had tried to remain hidden from Ray. Knew how much effort he was put into moving on with his life. He knew all of this and yet had seemingly dismissed it all so easily. 

When Sand didn’t respond, he wasn’t ready.  Nick sighed but decided to continue anyway, “Look, I know I shouldn’t have revealed your whereabouts. I really am sorry, but you can’t ignore me forever.” 

Adjusting his body to sit normally in the passenger seat, Sand took out his EarPods, put them back in their case, cleared his throat and simply stated “I am not ignoring you.” 

“What are you doing then?”

“Choosing not to acknowledge your existence right now.” 

Nick whined “Same thing, Sand!” He would have made a more sarcastic remark if he hadn’t looked at Sand. Sand looked defeated, like the fight had gone out of him, like his very soul had departed his body. 

Trying to lighten the mood, Nick ventured a suggestion “You should use that energy to write some new songs” and nudged him in the elbow. 

“Are you suggesting I use my own misery as inspiration?” Sand scoffed. 

“Isn’t that what you’ve always done?” Nick confidently challenged back. Happy to receive any response from Sand. 

“True… but” Sand sighed. “You’re not supposed to admit that out loud!”

There was a brief silence in the car as the two of them looked out the window at the jam of cars and the red traffic lights that refused to switch to green. 

“He shouldn’t be back.” Sand whispered to himself. However, it was audible enough for Nick to hear and sigh at the heartbroken remark. 

“But it shouldn’t make a difference, Sand. This is just business, nothing else.  Do I need to remind you that it’s been two years since you broke up. That you haven’t spoken a word to each other in that time or that you have a girlfriend who—”

“I know,” Sand interrupted, he bit down on his lower lip and urged the traffic lights to turn green, he needed this car ride to be over, needed some time alone to think. “Thank you for the reminder, Nick!” 

“You are most welcome.” Nick replied risking a smile. 

“I am still mad, though. You could have at least warned me.” 

“I know you Sand, if I had told you, you wouldn’t have agreed to it.” 

“True.” Came the short reply. 

“I know you too well.” 

It took less than fifteen minutes to reach Sand’s condo. As his manager, Nick liked to drive Sand around, he felt it part of his duties. Of all the jobs he had had in his life, working with Sand was his favourite, where he felt he belonged. 

As he parked the car, Nick updated Sand on his new schedule, “I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 9am. You have to meet Ray and come up with a strategy. We are expecting to have the song completed within the next two weeks. That way we won’t have to be postpone your album any longer.”

“I have to see him again tomorrow?” Sand exclaimed and stopping midway through opening the car door.

“Well yeah, you’ll have to see him every day until your album is finished.” Nick replied with a shrug and an apologetic look. 

“It is finished! Everything is ready, and you know that.” Sand practically shouted. 

“I know! Yes, but it doesn’t have Ray’s song yet. He listed it as the first term of your sponsorship contract” Nick sighed before looking at his friend with some pity. “It was a bit of an evil move on Ray’s part if you ask me.” 

“It’s all your fault, you know.” Sand exclaimed as he got out of the car. He exited looking annoyed, but that quickly melted away when his eyes fell on the woman appearing at the front gate of the building. She was wearing a navy-blue skirt and a white blouse that highlighted her blushed cheeks. Sand looked at her so fondly, she had been the flower that bloomed suddenly in his life. Someone he would always be grateful to. The thought rooted him to the spot and the guilt washed over him. His heart crushed remembering that he had betrayed her only hours before.  

“Don’t think about Ray when you have Summer in your life, Sand.” Nick quietly advised. He had rolled down the passenger window rolled so only Sand could hear him. He waved at Summer as she approached, greeting them with a big smile. Nick whispered quickly again before she got too close “You are going to get married soon. Don’t let your past take away your future.” 

Sand didn’t reply but turned to Nick silently acknowledging his friends warning. The pair ended their conversation before summer could hear.  Reaching Sand, summer threw herself into his arms and he caught her with a gentle chuckle. He planted a soft, tender kiss on her forehead and gently rubbed her back as he looked down at her before asking “Why did you come outside?”

“I was waiting for you.” Summer smiled before bending down to greet Nick through the passenger seat window. “Why don’t you come upstairs? Have dinner with us.” 

“Next time, Summer I promise” Nick replied and started the engine. “I have to go. You know me, busy, busy, busy, but I will soon.”

She stepped back from the car and they watched as Nick drove down the street and disappeared around the corner. As they watched, Summer leaned her head against his arm, her hands clenched around his arm reminiscent of a koala. Without warning, the image of Ray in that exact position flashed through his mind. Ray had always clung to him like this. Sand had actually termed it the koala grip in honour of Ray. The scene now was almost exact, except Ray was taller, his head reached shoulder height. Sand’s memory reminded him how Ray’s expensive aftershave, mixed with the smell of cigarettes, would linger on his clothes afterward, a memory he had long forgotten. 

Once again lost in his own thoughts, Sand didn’t notice that he had drifted off. “Is there something on my face?” Summer asked jokingly. Sand snapped out of his haze and looked into the face of the person clinging to his arm. His heart dropped as he watched the image changed from memory to reality, to the girl he had been living with for the past three months. He stood devasted at what his own mind was doing to him. 

“Nope, you just look so pretty today is all.” Sand shook his head, trying to shake off the overwhelming feelings of loss consuming him. He forced a smile onto his face.  The pair turned and Sand reached out his arm and wrapped it around his girlfriend’s shoulder as they walked towards the building. 

“So, how was your day? Did you get the sponsorship deal?” She asked, her eyes sparkling with anticipation. 

Gulping hard, Sand nodded. “Yeah… but…”

“But?” 

“Nothing.” He smiled, shaking his head as he pressed the elevator button to the 10th floor. “I am just worried because they want me to reveal my face this time.”

“Isn’t that a good thing though?” Summer exclaimed in excitement. 

But Sand wasn’t excited. He was distracted. So distracted that he didn’t reply. 

His mind drifted again, betrayed him again, returned again to the person he had tried so hard to forget. 

He shouldn’t be back. 

The elevator door opened, and Sand followed Summer to their apartment. She led the way to front door, opened it, took him by the hand, and led him back to the life he had built without Ray. 

He shouldn’t be back. 

~~ 

Ray couldn’t remember how he ended up here.

Through the haze, he could feel someone kissing his neck and a hand feeling its way down the front of his jeans. Looking around quickly, Ray suspected he was in a hotel room. The lights were slightly dim casting a yellow tinge across the room and the ceiling was definitely unfamiliar. 

Tired of the useless touching, Ray flipped him and the unfamiliar body over and kneeled on top of the stranger. His mind was still confused; looking down the guy seemed familiar, but Ray couldn’t remember where he saw him before.  

He’s not Sand.

Driven by instinct and habit, Ray tried to continue where the guy had left off. Bending down, Ray began kissing the familiar stranger’s neck. He sucked and nipped on the soft space between his neck and his shoulders and let his hands roam to any place he could reach, but it didn’t feel right, 

He doesn’t taste like Sand. 

A low groan escaped the guy’s throat when Ray’s pressed a knee against his hardened member. The sound made Ray wince; it was strikingly unfamiliar.  

He doesn’t sound like Sand.

He hated how this guy felt against him, hated how he touched him, hated how he kissed him.  

He doesn’t feel like Sand. 

It didn’t feel the same and it didn’t feel right. The uneasy feeling grew in his thoughts, but he carried on, desperately tried to push it aside. 

“What’s your name?” The guy asked through another groan as Ray kissed down his muscular chest. Ray couldn’t answer. His mind was filled with Sand and how Sand would respond to his touch, how Sand would moan his name, how Sand would take control and rarely relinquish it and how much Ray loved it all. 

Sand. Sand. Sand. 

The last thing Ray could remember clearly was being in the club, the music so loud that he could feel the bass drumming inside his skull. Ray had chosen a tall stool at the bar. Over time a large array of drinks had appeared in front of him. He’d ordered a lot, a glass from every kind of drink they had in the bar in fact.  The waiter had initially looked at him like he was mad, but when Ray threw a large wad of notes his way, the waiter had decided to keep his opinions to himself. 

That’s how things worked here. You pay enough, and no one will question your personal choices. 

At first, Ray thought Sand was the same. 

Ray drank and thought of the first time he had offered Sand money for the pleasure of his company. Tired of drinking all alone, he had employed him as a drinking partner for the night. The two had stayed up all night and Ray always wished he remembered more of that first night. What he did remember was that when he woke the next morning, the money was still lying on the table, the fee unclaimed. Sand had only taken enough to cover a bottle of wine Ray had broken.  

Sand had placed him in his own bed after he passed out wasted in the music room. He vaguely remembered Sand removing his jacket and shoes to make him more comfortable and leaving some water on the nightstand, instructing him to drink it.  Anyone else might have taken advantage of Ray in that situation, spoiled rich brat who couldn’t handle his booze, but not Sand. 

That’s when Ray’s interest in Sand had begun. He had become obsessed with the idea of Sand before he even realised it. 

After Mew, Sand had been the first person to care for him without wanting anything in return. The first person who didn’t see him as just a cash machine, the first person to see the broken human underneath the fancy clothes and expensive jewellery. Sand had been the first person to truly love him for him and he’d lost him. 

Looking at the empty glasses and bottles in front of him, Ray had lost count of how many drinks he had consumed. Picking up the whiskey, he held the glass to his forehead and closed his eyes. Was this his fifth? Or tenth? It didn’t matter he mused as the cool glass soothed his thoughts. 

He put the empty glass back on the bar and scoffed as his mind wandered back to Sand. If Sand saw him like this, would he stop him? Would he look after him? Would he care? His finger touched the dark surface of his phone which sat on the bar next to an empty bottle. If he called Sand now, would he pick up. Probably not, he mused. He hadn’t in the past two years. 

The liquid burned his throat as he gulped down his twelfth drink. Or was this the thirteenth? 

Out of habit, he unlocked his phone screen and scrolled to Sand’s contact. Fumbling the phone as he raised it to his right ear, Ray listened to the familiar ring not expecting the call to be answered. 

Earlier that day, Ray had suggested he and Sand exchange numbers in case they needed to discuss the song after hours. He had desperately hoped that Sand had changed his number and that’s why his calls and texts had gone unanswered. “I have the same number Ray” had come the cold reply. 

Ray had quickly swallowed the lump in his throat and the harsh reality that Sand had been actively ignoring him. Sand had been consciously avoiding all communications. Sand had really been trying to forget him. 

“Ray?”

Ray nearly dropped the phone when the familiar voice spoke. He had to double-check his phone to 1. make sure it was real and not his drunk ass hallucinating it and 2. That he had called the right contact. The phone confirmed that it was real, and it was Sand. Ray quickly raised the phone back to his ear. The adrenaline pumped through his body and his heart thumped inside his chest. Ray took a deep breath to steady himself and to give himself a moment to find his voice. 

“Sand…” Ray finally spoke. “You picked up!.” 

“Are you drunk?” He could hear the disappointment in Sand’s voice. A part of him was happy because disappointment meant that Sand might still care about him. Another part of him was sad as disappointment reminded him of why Sand had left. And here he was, proving yet again that he really couldn’t change. 

“Just a little,” Ray said, shaking his head even though Sand couldn’t see it. “I haven’t been drunk in so long, I swear.” 

“You do whatever you want, Ray.” Sand’s cold reply pierced Ray’s heart. These weren’t the words he wanted to hear. He wanted Sand to ask where he was, be concerned, offer to come get him just like old times. 

“Why did you call? Are you changing tomorrow’s plans?” 

Ray felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest. That’s all he cares about now.

He was about to open his mouth to answer, to confess that he missed him, that he wanted to hear his voice, that he wanted to see him, when he heard a sweet feminine voice in the background. “Sand, baby, who is calling this late?” The voice came like a slap to the face. An unwelcome reminder that while he had longed and waited for Sand for two years, Sand had fallen in love with someone else. 

Fury ignited within his soul, setting fire to his heart. This was the voice of the person Sand held at night instead of him. The person that Sand kissed instead of him. The person that Sand loved instead of him.  Why her, why not me?

“Nothing’s changed. I just want to make sure you pick up when I call you.” Ray said through gritted teeth. He heard Sand sighing on the other end of the phone. 

“I will see you tomorrow, Ray.” 

Sand was quick to end the call leaving Ray drunk, miserable, alone, and angry.  Ray choose to continue as if he didn’t notice the call being disconnected. “Do you still love me? Sand? I think that kiss proved you still have some feelings for me at least”. But finally accepting the call had ended, Ray pleaded to the dead air, “Don’t leave me, Sand. You’re all I have in this world”, before lowering the phone and throwing it back on the bar. 

Ray knew it might really be too late to fix things. The things that he had done would make anyone hate him, Sand had stayed with him longer than he deserved, but even Sand’s patience had limits and now Sand hated him. How was he supposed to live with that. 

Ray sat with the negative feelings eating at him, shifting from helpless to frustrated, to jealous. So jealous. He fumed at the thought that Sand was in bed holding someone else. 

“These all yours?” A voice came from beside him.  Ray looked up lazily at the handsome stranger striking up the conversation. The guy wore ripped jeans and black half-sleeved shirts made of a thin, almost see-through material, with nothing underneath. The guy waved to the bartender and proceeded to order the strangest thing Ray had ever heard in a nightclub. “Two glasses of water, please.” 

“Water?” Ray scoffed and rolled his eyes.  

“You’re drunk. Water will help you sober up a little,” replied the guy putting a hand on Ray’s shoulder as he took a seat beside him at the bar.  

“I don’t want to sober up.” Ray sighed sadly as he slid off his stool and started to walk away. 

Not giving up, the guy had followed him. And when Ray had almost tripped, the guy had been fast with a strong steadying arm around his waist. Ray was so drunk he could barely walk let alone think straight. The guy had helped him lean on the wall before smiling at him. “Look at you; you can barely walk. Let me grab you some water.” 

But Ray had a better idea, better than water, better than going home alone again. He pushed the guy against the wall and started kissing him. 

~~

Yes.. Right... The water guy! So that’s how I ended up here! 

The guy was moved his hands, grabbing Ray, pulling him closer. 

Shit! No…. This is a mistake!

Ray suddenly pushed the guy away who looked at him seriously confused. The guy was already half naked, and from the expression on his face, Ray knew he was doing him dirty stopping now. But Ray knew he couldn’t go through with this. With his senses returning, Ray hastily climbed off the guy and looked for his shoes. 

“I’m sorry, I need to go,” Ray said, grateful that he was still nearly fully dressed, apart from a few open shirt buttons. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The guy snapped, but Ray didn’t care. He needed to get out of there and fast. He grabbed his wallet and phone from the nightstand, picked his jacket up off the floor and made a hasty exit without looking back. He heard the guy curse at him as the door slammed closed.

He made his way down to the reception of the apartment complex and stopped. With his hands shaking, Ray pulled out his phone and texted the one person who hadn’t left his mind the whole night. He didn’t care anymore. 

— Please, come pick me up. I’m too drunk to drive.

Ray didn’t even know how he managed to write. 

— I need you, Sand 

Ray leaned his back on the wall behind him, inhaled and exhaled deeply to steady himself before giving up and sliding down the cold, hard wall. When he hit the floor, he pulled his knees tight to his chest, wrapped his arms around them and buried his head inside. 

After a few deep breaths, he looked at the phone still in his hand, the screen remained blank. He lowered the phone he couldn’t look at it anymore, the silence from it was loud. He didn’t know why he’d sent that text to Sand. He was probably sleeping. He wouldn’t look his texts. He hadn’t looked at them in so long. 

What was I thinking, he doesn’t care! 

A few more seconds of silence passed before Ray’s phone buzzed in his hand. A new message notification flashed on his screen. Ray quickly opened the message and felt his heart skip a beat. It was from Sand. 

— Send me your location. 

Chapter Text

 🎵 

Bright flashes illuminated the room as the photographer continued to issue instructions, “Turn your head slightly to the right; Lean back, Hold that pose.”

Anyone in the industry could tell that Sand had not modelled before. Surprisingly, despite this lack of experience Sand was doing far better than anyone expected. Some crew members had gathered in a corner, their jobs long forgotten as they stopped to admire Sand, he was following instructions and working the camera like a pro. A whisper from one of the onlookers reached Sand’s ears, “Can you believe some people said that he never showed his face because it didn’t match his voice! Jokes on them, he’s just as handsome as he sounds”. Sand looked in the direction of the ensuing giggles and tried not to roll his eyes. 

A lot of the crew members still couldn’t believe that he was Bar Boy. The same Bar Boy whose songs played filled the airwaves of cafes, stores, and bars alike. A noticeable hush had fallen on the set when he had first walked in. Sand, tall, handsome, and charming had been a welcome surprise for the crew and most had not, could not, take their eyes off him since that first moment. 

In a different corner of the room, stood another person looking at him with the same level of admiration. Ray couldn’t help but be proud. Watching him in front of the camera now reminded Ray of the last time he was with Sand getting his photo taken. Ray smiled at the memory of them getting passport pictures together in preparation for travelling the world and attending all music festivals Sand had enthusiastically described. 

The smile faded as Ray remembered how easy life had seemed easier back then, compared to now. 

Two people once so in love, with the whole  world and their whole lives before them, who now stood across from each, the distance short yet vast in equal measure. Neither could have predicted that this is how they would end up, stealing glances at each other in a crowded room, doing their best to pretend that the other’s mere presence didn’t shake their entire world.

Ray shifted restlessly as he watched Sand. This was their second meeting since Sand had picked him up from the motel and Ray was desperate to get him alone. He needed answers and looking at Sand now he didn’t know how much longer he could wait. He had already suffered through the planning meeting the morning after without being able to speak to Sand. Nick appeared to have been on a mission to not leave them alone together; Ray had wondered if Sand had put Nick up to it or if Nick was just that oblivious. Either way Ray had been denied any sort of time alone with Sand. 

Sand had avoided all eye contact with Ray during the meeting, preferring to focus on fixing the strings on his guitar. He had only become animated when the details of the deal and photoshoot were being discussed, “That’s more than what we had agreed on.” Sand argued to Todd. “I only want to make songs, but now you are turning me into a model and a performer.”

“But this is a good chance for you to grow Sand, maybe even globally,” Todd said, trying his best to convince his artist. “Do you want to stay an artist in the basement? I mean, look at you. Do you know how people would be attracted to you?”

Sand had rolled his eyes, “But that’s my point, I don’t want people to follow me just because they are attracted to me. I want them to be attracted to my music, to the lyrics and the message behind them. That should be the biggest appeal, not my face.”

But a deal is a deal. And Sand could not argue his way out of this. Ray had insisted it had to be Sand for the photoshoot or the sponsorship for the album would be withdrawn. Ray knew he could have picked someone else, equally as attractive for the campaign, but this was his best excuse to get to be close to Sand, get him back in his life again. 

By the time the meeting had finished, they had agreed most of the details and come up with a schedule for the next three months. It was agreed to finish all the shooting for the campaign for the first advertisement, as soon as possible as Sand would become increasingly busier with the tour and fan meetings. Once the meeting was over and the photoshoot planned for two days’ time, Sand had practically fled the building before Ray could confront him. 

Ray’s frustration and  anxiousness had not eased as he waited for his next opportunity. As the owner of SandRay Winery, he insisted on attending the photoshoot. This was to be the biggest campaign the new wine brand had ever run, and Ray wanted it to be perfect but more than that he would get to see Sand again. Ray knew it was selfish of him, but he needed Sand in his life again and he would take whatever he could get for now. 

He wasn’t ready to give up easily, he had waited too long. 

Ray smiled as he watched the photoshoot continue. The studio lights in the room reminded him of how Sand had always shined under the spotlights of Yolo’s club. When he performed, he owned the stage, owned the room, owned the night. The crowd’s excitement was palpable each time he walked onto the old wooden stage. Energetic screams would fill the room and the atmosphere was always electric. When Sand stood on that stage, happy and smiling his energy filled the room and filled the hearts of those that watched. That was the Sand Ray had fallen deeply in love with. And watching him now having outgrown that small stage, Ray was left with nothing but admiration. 

It was hard to look away considering how handsome Sand looked right now. He was wearing a long black sleeveless blazer that showed his well-toned muscles, and black jeans and hugged his body exactly how a well fitted pair of jeans should. He looked magnificently dark, almost mystical, like a magician casting a spell on all those who gazed upon him, 

Sand changed poses and Ray’s gaze intensified. Sand sat on a tall stool, one leg extended to the ground, while the other rested on the bar between the chair legs. His back was mainly to the camera, and he looked over his shoulder towards the photographer. His hair was parted in the middle and was just long enough to reach behind his ears. A few strands fell in front covering his eyes and Ray couldn’t help but imagine running his fingers through those soft strands of hair, pushing them back to expose those beautiful eyes. 

“He kept refusing to do this when we first started. It’s insane how you convinced him.” The voice came from behind making Ray jump slightly. So lost in the image before him he not realized someone was standing behind him all this time. Half turning, Ray found Nick looking at Sand with a smile etched across his face. It was not hard to miss how much Nick admired Sand. “He always complains. Always. I should be rewarded as the best manager of the year,” Nick Scoffed. 

Ray hated to admit but there was a spark of jealousy in his heart. He was supposed to be the one by Sand’s side, encouraging him, watching him grow, seeing his dreams finally fulfilled but instead it was Nick. Despite the jealousy, he was relieved Sand had someone like Nick by his side. Nick was a good friend, hardworking and loyal and it was a shame not everyone saw that in him. 

“Do you still talk to Boston?” Ray asked, catching Nick off guard.

“W-what?” Nick replied nervously as he shook his head. “No, no, no. Why? Do you?”

Ray smirked as he nodded, folding his arms across his chest. “Of course, I do. He is my friend.”

“Has he…” Nick gulped hard as he looked at floor before slowly looking up at Ray again. “… mentioned me?”

“He is coming back.” Ray said, not really answering Nick’s question.

“He is?! When?!” Nick exclaimed before realizing he was getting excited. Clearing his throat, Nick shook his head as he looked away from Ray. “No actually don’t answer that, I don’t care. I’ve moved on. It’s been five years.” Before Ray could respond a shout rang out through the room. 

“Next outfit!” 

Ray watched as Sand jumped off the stool and walked out of the room heading for the changing room. The stylist and the makeup artists both followed him.

“I can connect you with him again if you want.” Ray suggested to Nick, patting his shoulders. “I have a tiny request from you though.” 

~~

Taking in a deep breath, Sand tried to calm himself. He was so far out of his comfort zone and was having a hard time maintaining his nerve. He leaned his palms on the counter and willed his heart to stop pounding. Looking at his reflection, the bold makeup, the sleek hairstyle, the clothes, he hardly recognized himself.  His thoughts ran wild, this is what he had always wanted. What he had been working so hard for. So why did everything feel so wrong?  Why… why was it so hard to ignore the pain in his chest?

You are an idiot, Sand . He thought to himself as he closed his eyes tightly.

The memory of the other night would not leave his mind no matter how hard he tried. The sight of Ray hopelessly drunk in front of the motel, lying on the pavement like a drunkard, his clothes dishevelled and visible hickies littering his exposed neck. Seeing Ray like that reminded Sand of why he left in the first place, why he decided to walk away and why he decided to shutter his own heart in the process. 

“Sand.” A voice snapped him out of his thoughts. Looking up into the mirror, there he was. Standing behind him and meeting his intense gaze through his reflection. Sand turned around and Ray took a step closer to him. Sand hated how his heart leaped inside of his chest. Gulping hard, Sand couldn’t help but notice how good Ray looked. Dressed in ripped jeans and a black denim jacket over a white tank top, Sand was sure he’d made an extra effort today. 

“What are you doing here?” Looking around, Sand noticed that the stylist and the makeup artist were nowhere to be found and the door to the room was now closed. They were finally alone. Sand couldn’t believe how lost in his thoughts he was that he didn’t notice them leaving or Ray arriving. He was annoyed with himself. 

“I came to tell you how amazing you look today.” Ray said, taking another step closer. “I am so proud of how far you’ve come.”

Sand’s expression softened and a hint of a smile appeared on his lips. It encouraged Ray to take yet another step closer, closing the remaining distance between them. 

“It’s all so new to me.” Sand exhaled as he finally let out the feelings, he had been fighting to hold in. Out of habit, he let himself speak his heart out for the first time in so long. He had been bottling up all his feelings, suppressing them to achieve his goals. But Ray had always been his confidant, the person he could speak with freely about anything and not be judged and old habits die hard. “Things have been moving so fast and I feel kinda lost in it all.”

Sensing his chance Ray closed the final steps between them, “But you’re doing great.” Cautiously, Ray reached for Sand’s hand. A heavy sigh escaped Sand’s lips when Ray’s fingertips touched his own, but he didn’t pull away. Ray continued “You are doing great, Sand. This is where you belong.”

“Thank you.” Sand’s smile widened before looking up and realizing how close Ray was. Clearing his throat, Sand sidestepped Ray pulling his hand away. He took a few steps further away trying hard to ignore his heart drumming against his chest. “I… I should probably get ready for the next shoot, but I don't know where everyone has gone.”

Sand walked over to the rail full of clothes and began looking for a new outfit to distract himself. He breathed in and out slowly, while mentally scolding himself, Get your shit together, Sand! Stop feeling things! these things. Stop falling for him again. Just stop!

“Do you want my help?”

Sand flinched when Ray appeared beside him. Ray picked out a black shirt with a subtle design embossed on it and placed it in front of Sand’s chest to check how it would look. In this moment San was reminded of how they used to shop together. They had always enjoyed hunting for authentic clothes in thrift stores. Closing his eyes tightly, Sand cursed himself once again. He didn’t want to remember any of their moments together.

“Stop it, Ray.” Sand snapped, annoyance obvious in his voice. “I know what you are doing.”

Ray stopped, raised an eyebrow in surprise and replied with a challenge. “Oh, and what am I doing?”

Sand glared at him momentarily before responding, “I have a girlfriend. Whatever you are doing, it isn’t going to work.” Sand declared as he pulled the shirt out of Ray’s grip before hanging it back in its place. “I love my girlfriend. I love her very much. So, you need to stop this if you want to work together.”

“Is that right!!” Ray scoffed, rolling his eyes as he pressed himself closer to Sand. “You love her so much?! Do you, Sand? Do you really?  So, what was the other night about then?!”

Sand froze in his place as he looked into Ray’s eyes. Ray wasn’t joking or playing games with him anymore. Sand gulped as he shook his head in denial. “You misunderstood. You were drunk.”

Ray snorted as he shook his head. “A misunderstanding, is that what you’re calling it?”

Standing frozen in the middle of the changing room, Sand wouldn’t meet Ray’s eyes. “I—” Sand started but didn’t finish. 

“Sand…”

Sand’s eyes widened as he recognized the female voice calling at the opposite side of the closed door. Sand looked at Ray and his eyes narrowed. Sand panicked and pushed Ray into the changing space and closed the curtain around them. The space was small, it could barely fit one person inside. Sand crowded Ray and pushed him against the back wall, trying to hide their figures from view. His arm tight around Ray’s waist stopping him from moving, holding him in place tight against him, Sand’s hand was firmly over Ray’s mouth and his eyes silently urged Ray to stay quiet. 

“Sand…” The female voice called again. Sand looked at the door, praying for it to stay closed. A few seconds of silence followed before Sand’s phone started to loudly ring.  A curse skipped Sand’s mouth as he closed his eyes tightly. But they were fast to open again once when he felt cold fingers touching the bare skin underneath his shirt.

“Ray, stop it.” Sand mouthed as he slapped his hand away accidently removing the hand covering Ray’s mouth. 

“Make me” Ray whispered back the challenge as he pulled Sand closer to his body, his hands cupping his hips perfectly.

“Stop please” Sand begged, but before he could continue his sentence a moan escaped his mouth as he felt Ray’s knees pressing on the front of his pants. “Ray.”

“I’ll stop if you stop looking so scared to be found with me!” Ray smirked as he started to grind slowly. “You know danger turns me on”.

“I ..am..not.. scared.” Sand drew out in a harsh whisper. He willed his body to not react to Ray’s shameless antics, but it was already betraying him. He could feel the swelling begin beneath his pants. Ray smirked, as Sand closed his eyes and let out another involuntary moan. “Do you really want me to stop? Don’t you miss my touch?”

“No, stop, please! I don’t want to hate you.” Sand’s arms dropped suddenly from around Ray, and he took a step back. The look on Sand’s face made Ray’s stomach clench, it was a look of sad pleading, a look Ray had never seen before. A tear was rolling down his right cheek as he bit down on his bottom lip. “Stop this, I’m not a toy, Ray and I won’t let you use me like this.”

Ray stopped. Fear was rising inside his chest. He didn’t want to lose Sand, not when he had just found him again. Whatever he was doing right now was pushing Sand further away and that wasn’t the plan. Running a hand through his hair, Ray nodded.

“I’m sorry Sand, I’ll stop.” Ray tried not to show how his heart was breaking into millions of pieces.

Ray opened the curtain and moved to leave, he reached the door and opened it. Ray was surprised to find a beautiful lady he had never seen before, standing behind the door. She had long black hair that reached to the small of her back and was wearing a white flowery dress. A soft smile lit up her face when her eyes caught something behind Ray.

“Summer, what are you doing here?” Sand asked softly moving around Ray to greet his girlfriend. Ray hated how gentle he sounded with her.

“I came to support your photoshoot.” She smiled sweetly and Ray knew then why Sand loved her. She was everything he would never be. Summer looked from Sand to Ray, waiting for an introduction. 

“This is Ray. Our sponsor.” Sand introduced Ray like he was any other co-worker. 

Ray was stunned for a second. Sand had introduced him so nonchalantly, as if there was no complicated history between them, as if nothing had happened between them 2 minutes ago, as if he had been insignificant in his life. It was a harsh reminder that he wasn’t in Sand’s life anymore like he wanted to be. Now he was just a sponsor. 

“This is Summer, my girlfriend.” Ray silently surveyed his opponent, his opponent in a game he had not been prepared to play. 

“Actually, his fiancée.” She corrected and giggled as she held up her hand displaying the delicate ring that decorated her finger. “We are getting married soon.”

“Married?” Ray’s eyes widened as he looked at Sand who refused to meet his eyes. “Well, Congratulations” Ray managed to say before the lump forming robbed him of the ability to speak. 

“Thank you. You should come to the wedding. We haven’t set a definite date yet, but it will probably be after the end of this album promotion.”

“We are still deciding.” Sand nodded.

“Well congratulations again, I am happy for you.” Ray said, forcing a smile. “If you will excuse me, I should get back to work.” Ray stated flatly existing the room without looking back. 

~~

Ray slammed the car door shut. He was grateful that the parking was empty. He rolled down the window and tried to take some deep breaths. His chest felt like it was being crushed by enormous weight and the anger rising from his core was only adding fuel to the fire. The back of his neck and his shoulder felt hot with frustration. He could feel the hotness creeping into his cheeks and his eyes begin to sting. 

At first, Ray didn’t realize he was crying until a tear dropped on his outstretched arm. His hands had been gripping the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles had turned white. The feeling of his own tears broke his trance, and his hands came back into focus before him. Looking at his finger broker his final resolve and an agonising sound burst forth from his lips. His eyes fell on the band tattoo on his ring finger. Two lines circled his ring finger with three dots in the middle. His heart suddenly felt like it was being stabbed by a thousand knives at the same time.

Two years of waiting.

Two years of looking. 

Two years of hoping. 

Two years wasted. 

Sand had a new life without him. Ray knew he had met someone else and claimed to love her. But marriage! He was really getting married to someone else. Still frustrated and angry, Ray tried to dry the tears from his cheeks, but no matter how much he tried the tears kept coming, soaking his cheeks.

“ I don’t want to hate you .” 

Sand’s voice rang in his ears. The one who had promised to love him forever no matter what had finally started to hate him too. Just like everyone else. Just like his mom. Just like his dad. Just like his friends. There would be no one left soon. 

“ Let’s get married one day ” Ray’s mind decided he wasn’t hurt enough for one day and played the memory for him clearly.

Closing his eyes, Ray leaned his head back into the seat. His mind wandered back to when Sand was leaving for Japan after he received an opportunity with a music agency. Sand had wanted to get matching tattoos with Ray. They both choose something on their shoulders. A small sentence that would remind them of what they have and who they are to each other. 

Ray had chosen, No matter what .  No matter what would happen they would stay together.

Sand had chosen, No matter where . No matter where they were, their hearts would always be connected.

It was when they were about to leave the tattoo shop, Ray has stopped Sand, taken Sand’s hand in his. Sand had looked at him confused as he watched Ray bring his hand to his lips and kiss his ring ringer. “I have another idea.”

“You want another tattoo?” Sand asked in surprise.

“I want to get a ring band tattoo. Something that would tell everyone that you are already taken! No one can ever flirt with you. I am claiming you as mine.” Ray said it so seriously that Sand couldn’t help but smile warmly.

“Are you proposing right now?”

“I would love to actually. But I don’t want to scare you away.”

A small chuckle escaped Sand as he squeezed Ray’s hand and then mimicking Ray’s actions brought Ray’s finger to his lips and kissed his finger. “I promise to put a real ring on the top of the tattoo. Claiming you legally mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“Top and Mew did it so why don't we? Let’s get married one day.”

“You cannot change your mind!”

“I won’t change my mind.”

“You promise!”

“I do.”

“Sand! I am so serious right now. I won’t let you go.”

“I’m counting on it.”

Ray snapped himself out of the miserable trip down memory lane and pulled himself together. He wiped away his remaining tears, dried his hands on his pants and started the engine. He quickly pulled out of the car park. He had truly fucked everything up and with little hope of fixing it he knew where he wanted to be. 

Alcohol wouldn’t fix anything, but it was the only comfort he had left. 

Chapter Text

Thank you guys so much for supporting this fic I promise to update it so soon😭🤍 happy April’s Fool day 💃♥️ I hope you all have fun doing harmless silly pranks 😚

Chapter Text

🎵

The car tyres squealed as they turned the final corner before coming to a sudden halt. Seeing the sight laid out before him, Sand panicked, kicked open the door, and hurried to the solitary figure passed out on the steps in front of the crappy motel.  In a street full of bars and drunk people, no one had paid any attention to yet another drunk who couldn’t hold their liquor.

Ray had always liked to drink to excess but the last time Sand had seen Ray in this bad a state was during his unrequited love for Mew phase. Seeing him like this again brought a sharp pain to his chest. Praying he was okay; Sand took a deep breath before kneeling beside his ex-boyfriend.  His eyes did a quick scan over his body looking for visible signs of injury. Luckily there were no signs that Ray had been hurt. Maybe mentally, but at least not physically. 

“Ray” Sand’s voice quivered as he gently called his name. His heart sank looking at Ray’s unresponsive body lying like trash on the steps as if someone had simply disposed of him.  Ray lay on his side curled up tight, an unconscious move to protect himself against the cold, too drunk to dress himself properly or even care if he got sick. He cuddled his shirt like it was a protective pillow. Sand stilled at the sight as he remembered how Ray had always found comfort in cuddling to fall asleep and now all he had was his own alcohol-stained shirt for company. 

Sand had not thought twice upon seeing Ray’s text. He had received many texts from Ray during their separation, but none had ever asked him for help. Unable to ignore the fact that Ray might be in real danger, he found himself quickly throwing off the blanket, sliding out of bed and reaching for his jeans. He tried to be silent so as not to disturb the sleeping body beside him, but his heart was beating so hard he was sure she would hear it. Consumed with the worry filling his mind, fogging his thoughts, he didn’t recognise his own name being called. Only when Summer shouted his name for the nth time did he realize that his mind and heart were moving quicker than his body. He clearly wasn’t as silent as he thought in his rush to get dressed. 

“SAND!  What is happening?!” The shock on Summer’s face snapped him back to reality. Summer looked at him in panic, reflecting Sand’s internal panic. “You’re scaring me! Did something happen? Is your Mom okay?”

Sand stopped and looked at summer. Of course, she would be concerned, witnessing a scene so out of character. The sudden guilt hit him like a punch to the stomach. Summer seeing him upset like this had immediately thought of his Mom, the person he loved most in the world, surely the only person he would rush to in the middle of the night. At that moment he wished things were different for the sake of his relationship. He wished he could stop, stop being affected, stop caring, just stop everything. 

But it was impossible. Ray needed him and he couldn’t ignore that.

Taking a deep breath to calm the situation before upsetting Summer more, Sand leaned down to where she sat up in their bed and placed his hands on her delicate shoulders. He locked eyes with her before faking a smile, “I’m sorry I woke you.” He said calmly. “Mom is fine. It’s just a friend. He’s stranded and needs a ride; I owe him a favour.” The lie almost stuck in his throat but this wasn’t the time for truth. 

“Oh!” She sighed in relief before nodding. “I hope he is okay.”

“I hope so too…” Sand’s mind silently issued the response. 

Sand could see Ray was physically okay, despite being drunk out of his mind. But nothing about the rest of this situation was okay. His tank top was pulled out of his half-opened jeans. His belt and one of his fancy shirts lay in a discarded heap beside him. The scene made Sand feel uneasy. He gently lifted Ray’s head and turned it towards him. Heat rushed through his cheeks, burning the back of his neck with jealousy when he noticed the hickeys on the bare soft skin of Ray’s neck and shoulder.

He was a fool. Always a fool. Rushing to help Ray when he had obviously been hooking up with someone. Why did Ray call him? Why didn’t he just ask his hook up to send him home? What was he trying to prove by having Sand see him like this? Was he trying to prove he had moved on too? The unwelcome questions consumed him but despite it all, he still couldn’t leave him like this. 

Biting down on his lip, Sand swallowed hard the lump forming at the back of his throat. It wasn’t like he didn’t want Ray to move on, he had always wished that Ray would find love. 

At least one of them should.  

However, he hadn’t anticipated how hard it would be to witness Ray moving on, even if it was just a casual hook up. Maybe that’s how Ray felt seeing him with Summer, the thought made him pause.  

Taking a deep breath, Sand tried desperately to push away the confusing noise of feelings and convince himself once again that he didn’t care like that anymore. Whatever Ray did with his life, was his own business now. Sand had Summer.  Whatever he was feeling in this moment was just because he still cared about Ray as a friend, another human, someone who needed help.

A friend!

Nothing more.

A shout from down the street dragged Sand out of these thoughts. “Ray, C’mon, let’s go home” Sand bent over the unconscious body and gently shook Ray to wake him up. The strong smell of alcohol and cigarettes mingled with the familiar scent of his citric perfume consumed Sand’s senses.  Ray’s cheeks were flushed red, from the alcohol or the cold Sand couldn’t tell but the blush on his cheeks made him look younger, more innocent. Sand smiled but it was a sad smile. Ray always looked his most peaceful when he slept, like the struggles in life had all melted away. 

Sand pushed a strand of hair out of Ray’s eyes before trying again but Ray could barely open his eyes or respond to Sand’s instructions. Sand shook his head. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he knew he should regret everything about this night, having checked his phone, rushing to Ray’s aid, leaving Summer alone, and lying to her about where he was going. He wanted to regret but he didn’t, He knew deep down he would rather be here to help Ray than know he was alone and in trouble. 

The one regret he did have was not telling Summer the full story of him and Ray before now, that he was truly fucked up and it was all because of Ray. But that was a conversation he had never been ready to have, maybe he never would be, but he definitely wasn’t prepared for it now with everything going on with Ray and the sponsorship. She didn’t need any extra worry right now. 

“Ray…” Sand's voice now filled with annoyance, once again cut through the silence on the steps. 

“Hmm,” Ray hummed softly, pushing Sand’s hands away, shooing him off as if he were an annoying fly.

“God, Ray, how much have you had”!

Fed up with the situation and with a strong grip on Ray’s arm, Sand finally managed to drag his ex-boyfriend onto his feet before draping one of Ray’s arms around his shoulder. Spotting the belt and shirt on the floor again, Sand struggled to balance Ray on his shoulder and bend down to pick up his stuff. With the change in stance, Ray stumbled over his own feet and almost fell down. Luckily, Sand was fast enough to tighten his grip around Ray’s waist and pull Ray to his chest before he could fall.  Sand sighed in relief as he closed his eyes, taking a moment to be grateful that both of them didn’t end up flat on the pavement.

“You really came.” Ray finally managed to come to some of his senses. 

Opening his eyes slowly, Ray leaned his chin against Sand’s chest before looking up at him with those oh-so-familiar puppy eyes. A memory ran through Sand’s mind, a memory of holding Ray just like this, seeing him look up with those eyes before they would close as Sand gently placed a kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead. 

Ray wrapped his own arm around Sand’s waist as they stood looking into each other’s eyes. Sand only snapped out of it and pushed Ray away from his chest when a passer-by whistled at them, clearly mistaking them for a cute couple caught in a romantic moment.

“Can you stand on your own?” Sand asked.  The absence of Ray’s body against his was immediate and Sand shuddered against the night’s breeze as he spoke. 

“I can manage.” Ray claimed as stumbled backwards, almost falling again. Sand caught him for a second time and helped him balance. Still needing to gather the possessions from the ground Sand helped Ray to lean against the pillar. 

“Ray!” Sand’s voice was frustrated. “Stay here, don’t move.” 

“Not going anywhere,” Ray murmured in a low almost inaudible voice. “Where would I go anyway?  Hey… it rhymes! You could use it in our song.” His small chuckle cut through the seriousness of Sand’s thoughts; Sand rolled his eyes but couldn’t help smiling at the innocence of the statement.

“It doesn’t rhyme, and you are drunk.” Sand sighed as he walked back to Ray’s side, having now gathered clothes, and placing them in the car.  Ray didn’t look away as Sand met his gaze once again. There they stood, staring into each other’s eyes, looking for answers to questions neither of them was brave enough to ask before Ray finally broke the tension. 

“Don’t look at me like this!” Ray stated as he traced a finger up Sand’s chest. “It makes me wanna kiss you.” A hint of seduction intertwined his mumblings. 

Sand shook his head. “Always the same Ray, C’mon, I’m taking your horny ass home.”

“I am not horny.” Ray stated as confidently as only a drunk could, pouting as he let Sand lead him down the steps to the car.  Sand opened the door, and using his hand to protect Ray’s head from hitting the metal door frame helped him sit into the passenger seat. 

“You know it’s never—”

But Sand didn’t wait to hear the rest. He slammed the car door before walking around the car and sliding into the driver’s seat. 

“Put on your seatbelt” Sand Instructed but Ray shook his head. “Can’t, you need to help me” pouting again. Annoyed Sand leaned over and grabbed the seatbelt. A different time this action might have led to something more, but Sand made sure to do it quickly and efficiently this time. 

 Ray watched in silence as Sand returned to his correct position, fastened his own seatbelt, and started the car engine. Sand drove to the main road before pausing. 

“Home or your house?” Sand pressed his lips together realizing he had just referred to their once shared condo as ‘home’. When Ray suggested living together, Sand had not wanted to move into Ray’s house. Ray was living with his father, and Sand wasn’t comfortable intruding on his space.  Sand’s room had not been to Ray’s liking either, so they had decided to rent a small condo together and it had become “home”. 

Sand cursed underneath his breath. He was certain that Ray would not have stayed in the condo for the last two years alone, it was a stupid assumption. He probably moved out and returned to his father’s luxurious house, that was where he had always belonged.

It was hard to hide his surprise when Ray did say, “Home.”

Sand looked at him silently taking in the magnitude of the simple word. He had stayed there despite everything.

~~

The ride was painfully silent. Sand fought his instincts to look at Ray. He could hear Ray’s heavy drunk breathing and could feel the gaze piercing a hole in the side of his skull. Ray was watching him, studying him, holding him hostage within his gaze. Sand felt exposed. He was scared that his confused emotions would be disclosed. He had never been the best when it came to hiding how he felt from Ray.

No matter how hard he tried to act nonchalantly, it was impossible. His own breathing was quicker than normal despite all his efforts. 

Ray was here, sitting beside him in the passenger seat once again despite all the distance and time he had put between them.  

“You haven’t changed.” Ray finally said, breaking the silence.

“You haven’t either.” Sand said, with a sigh. “And I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing in your case.”

“That’s mean.”

“Well… the truth is ugly sometimes.”

“Sand… I am sor—”

“Don’t!” Sand said firmly, cutting through Ray’s words sharply. His hands tightened against the steering wheel and his knuckles turned white. His eyes were fixed on the road, refusing to look at Ray. He didn’t want to see the look on his face as he continued, “Don’t Ray! I don’t want to hear it. It’s too late for this”. Sand knew he was confused about things but letting Ray start this now would not end well. 

Sand had expected Ray to argue back as he usually would do. But after a few seconds of silence, Sand, finding it hard to believe Ray wasn’t arguing back, stole a glance to his left. Expecting to find Ray still staring at him, Sand was caught off guard to find Ray had turned away to face the window. 

Sand regretted looking at Ray. Something in his heart squeezed at the familiarity of the situation. Sand had always liked to drive when they were together, and Ray had always enjoyed watching the world pass by through the window. He didn’t know if it was the nostalgia that was more upsetting or that Ray hadn’t tried to argue back. Whatever it was, left Sand feeling hollow. Losing Ray had created a dark hole deep inside that he knew no one, no matter how special, would ever fill.

And in that moment he felt that hole grow a little bigger. 

By the time they arrived at their destination, Ray had passed out again.  Sand pulled into his old parking spot. Another stab pierced his heart knowing that it had remained empty from the day he left until now. Sand got out of the car and walked to Ray’s side. Ray was leaning his head against the window. Slowly and carefully, he opened the door and gently cradled Ray’s head before it could fall.  Sand took a moment to look at Ray sleeping peacefully. Ray’s rosy cheek was warm under his fingertips and without thinking he gently ran his thumb over the soft skin. 

Sweat dripped from Ray’s temple and at the back of his neck, no doubt a result of the large consumption of alcohol Sand mused. Ray’s hair was wet and had started to stick to his skin. Sand found himself taking sharp breath to steady himself as he wiped the sweat from Ray’s temple.

“Can’t you take care of yourself?” Sand sighed as he leaned over and unfastened Ray’s belt.

“I’m sorry, Sand. I’m so sorry.”

Sand’s eyes widened as he quickly looked at Ray only to find him still passed out. He was murmuring in his sleep. The statement was too simple, too heartfelt, and  Sand couldn’t ignore it. 

“Me too Ray, but we can’t go back” he whispered sadly. Sand swallowed hard before pressing on. 

Ray finally stirred as he was helped out of the car, Sand wrapped a strong arm around Ray’s small waist and pulled Ray’s arm around his shoulder. Luckily, Ray had sobered up enough that he was able to drag his own feet along under Sand’s guidance They walked to the building entrance and inside to the elevator.

When they arrived at the apartment door, Ray discovered that his keys along with his jacket has been left in the car. Sand silently took his keys from his pocket and used his own key to open the door. Ray looked at him and Sand looked away. Neither spoke. Sand quickly turned the handle opened the door and quietly guided them both inside. 

As he stepped inside the apartment he had once shared with Ray, Sand felt an overwhelming nervousness in the pit of his stomach. He never thought he would see the place again. He froze looking around the apartment that he once called home. 

Everything was exactly the same. 

Nothing had changed.

It was like he had never left. 

The living room still had that weird-looking sofa they had picked when they first moved in. The painting that Sand had loved (and Ray had hated) still hung on the wall. They had seen it on one of their gallery tours and had Ray surprised him with the original. Sand had been so sure that it would’ve been the first thing Ray would dispose of. 

Sand helped Ray sit down on the sofa. Ray murmured something inaudible before grabbing one of the sofa’s cushions to hug it. Sand turned and headed to the kitchen to get Ray some water. 

Sand drew in a sharp breath when he noticed his old mug. He had always left it by the sink to remind himself to drink water and here it was, still in the same position two years later. Sand could see it was clean, no dust had gathered meaning that Ray must have cleaned it but also refused to move it from its home.

Not wanting to touch his mug, Sand opened the cupboard and grabbed a clean one. Then he turned to the fridge to get out some filtered water but stopped when he spotted the picture pinned on the fridge with a guitar magnet. He had totally forgotten about this picture. He hadn’t seen it in so long. And it was never pinned here before. 

Seeing reminders of himself in the apartment hit him hard. His breathing and the weight on his chest became heavier. Sand leaned his hands on the kitchen counter and lowered his head. He took some deep breaths to steady himself. All this time he had convinced himself that Ray would be happy to be finally rid of him, but the evidence surrounding him was proving otherwise. Ray wasn’t happy and Ray hadn’t even tried to get rid of anything related to him. Finding his breathing returning to a near normal rate he looked at the picture again. 

It was them kissing with their hands outstretched to the camera, their hands showing off their new matching ring tattoos. The memory played itself without warning. 

Sand remembered how excited Mew, Nick, and Cheum had been when they learned about the tattoos. 

“You are particularly engaged now.” Mew had exclaimed. “When Sand comes back, we’ll have a proper party for both of you.”

“It’s just a small promise. The real party would be with a real ring” Ray had confidently stated as he held Sand’s hand in his own, thumbing over the tattoo and smiling.

“But a ring could be lost. Meanwhile this…” Cheum said pointing at their fingers, “This is forever. Oh my god, congratulations my friend. You finally found real love.”

“Well, thanks, guys.” Sand had cheered as they raised their wine glasses. It was Cheum that had insisted on taking the picture of them showing off their tattoos. Ray had surprised Sand when he closed his eyes and pouted his lips. Cheum, Nick and Mew had made noises of fake disgust, as Sand lovingly kissed him.

The rush of memory left Sand feeling hollow and numb. Pulling himself together, Sand opened the fridge, got out a bottle of water, and filled the cup. He couldn’t help but notice the fridge was full of beer cans instead of food. Sand panicked and urgently began a search through the cupboards, checking for strong alcohol. But cupboard after cupboard, there was nothing.

“Don’t worry.” A voice suddenly said from behind him. Startled Sand jumped up and turned around. His heart began drumming hard against his chest once again as he waited for Ray to continue. “I didn’t relapse to the good stuff, well until now.  I just needed something to help me sleep.” 

Not waiting for Sand to respond to the statement, Ray took the cup from Sand’s hand and gulped it down in one. Sand watched as water dripped from the corner of Ray’s lips and resisted the urge to use his finger to wipe the drops away. Ray placed the cup on the counter before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“You went back to rehab after …?” Sand began asking but stopped mid-sentence looking tense. 

“After you left…” Ray pressed his lips together as he finished the sentence. “And yes, I did, Mew forced me. It was hard but, well you know how it is.”

“Mew has always been a good friend.” Sand nodded, acknowledging his efforts. “Don’t drink this much again or it will have been for nothing and for fuck’s sake put some food in your fridge.”

“Are you worried about me?” Ray asked. A curious glint sparkled in his eyes. 

“Just some friendly advice.” Sand stated as he pressed his lips together. Seeing that familiar look in Ray’s eyes Sand needed to end this encounter quickly. 

“Don’t call me again to pick you up. I’m not your driver and I won’t be doing this again. Now that you seem fine, I’m going home.”

“You are home.”

Sand didn’t reply but the statement hung in the air. Sand moved to leave the kitchen, but Ray was quicker. Ray sidestepped so that he now stood in front of Sand, effectively blocking his exit. The look in his eyes was fierce. His jaw tightened as he refused to look away. “You are running away again.”

“I am not running away. I want to leave and go home.”

“This is your home!” Ray snapped again. “This is where you belong, Sand. This is the home we built together.”

“I don’t recognize it anymore.” Sand lied as he shook his head. He tried to step past Ray, but Ray easily blocked his way again. Sand let out an exasperated sigh to emphasise his desire to end this. “I am not playing games anymore Ray.”

“Why did you come then? Ray pushed Sand backwards as he shouted. 

 “You could have ignored me!” Ray pushed again.  

“You could have just left me on the streets” Ray pushed again. 

“But you came anyway. You’re here!  Why?” Sand’s back hit against the sink.  

“Because … because you were a friend that needed help, and it was-” 

Sand’s words were cut off as Ray’s lips sealed around his. Taken by surprise with the sudden passion and intensity, his ability to think clearly was instantly cut off. His mind went blank and all he cared about was Ray’s soft lips on his. Ray nipped on his upper lip, sending shivers down his spine. Sand couldn’t fight it anymore and responded to the kiss. He moved his lips against Ray, kissing him back fiercely. One arm snaked around Sand’s waist, pulling their bodies closer, while the other reached for the nap of Sand’s neck.

Ray pulled away but didn’t leave a chance for Sand to react. 

“Friend?!  Friend! We were never Friends! We will never be Friends—” He angrily panted the words, refusing to release his grip on Sand.

But this time it was Ray who was cut off as Sand wrapped his long arm around Ray’s small frame and pulled him closer to his chest. So close that they could feel their hearts bumping against each other. Sand’s lips captured Ray’s in another hungry kiss. The need for oxygen was long forgotten. Ray groaned as Sand sucked his bottom lip and Sand couldn’t think about anything except how much he had missed that sound. How much he missed kissing him. How much he missed him. 

No matter how hard he denied it, his heart screamed for Ray. Invading Ray’s mouth with his tongue, he explored every corner, tasting the alcohol that had led to this moment. Ray moaned again as Sand’s warm hands moved under his tank top and hurriedly roamed over his bare skin, exploring the sensitive places that had longed for his touch. 

Sand threw his head back and groaned when Ray’s fingernails racked down his back. Taking advantage, Ray moved his kisses to Sand’s jaw, working downwards he left a lingering wet trail down Sand’s exposed neck.  

A gasp escaped Sand’s throat when Ray’s hand moved to the waistband of his pants. Sand buried his fingers in the fluffy strands of Ray’s hair and pulled his head back with a tug. Holding his head back, Sand’s unrestrained kisses moved quickly down to Ray’s collarbone, sucking in the curve between his chest and neck, nipping harshly when he reached an exposed shoulder. Ray inhaled sharply at the sensation, but it only drove him on. Ray smirked and pulled Sand’s shirt over his head and dropped it on the floor. 

“Ray.” Sand breathed heavily. Ray stopped for a moment to admire the sight running his fingers over Sand’s chest. This scene was too familiar. Sand half naked in the kitchen, breathless, cheeks flushing red with desire. Ray had done this, and now he wanted to savour the moment. 

Frustrated by the pause, Sand grabbed the hem and pulled Ray’s tank top over his head before pushing him hard against the opposite wall. Sand quickly buried his face in Ray’s neck as Ray leaned his head back against the wall. His face flushed with a mixture of desire and euphoria. 

Having left his mark, Sand pulled back to look at Ray before moving a hand up from Ray’s hip and gently cupping his face, Sand stroked his thumb across Ray’s cheek before kissing him again. This time it was slow, precise, and laden with long suppressed emotion.  

“Say you love me,” Ray asked breathlessly against Sand’s lips. Sand ignored the request and kissed him with more urgency. He moved his hips forward and began grinding into Ray keeping him pinned firmly to the wall. 

Forcefully breaking the kiss, Ray pushed Sand back. 

“You still love me, don’t you?” Ray’s breathless voice was desperate for assurance, his eyes searching for the truth, but Sand stood breathing heavily but refused to look at him or answer the question. 

All he could hear now was Summer’s words to him before he had left their apartment tonight. “Okay, take care, I love you”. 

Love . That small word that held so much power. That small word that he had pledged to someone else. 

“Is it so hard to say? You feel it! I feel it!” Ray snapped at Sand. “You still love me, Sand!”

Inhaling sharply, Sand stepped away back before bending down to grab his shirt. He said nothing as he pulled it on. He wouldn’t look at Ray, not even when he passed by and headed for the door. Ray turned to watch him. 

“Sand! Stop! Please!” 

“Sorry.” was the wrong and only answer that Ray got. Sand couldn’t even turn to face him as he mumbled it. 

Ray closed his eyes as a tear cascaded down his cheek. For the second time tonight, he slid down the wall and pulled his knees tight to him, lost in his thoughts of Sand. He heard the door close and heard the silence fill his heart and their apartment once more. 

Chapter Text

🎵

Two years and 5 months ago

The clock on the wall was louder than usual. 

Tick 

Tock 

Tick 

Tock

The sound almost sent Ray insane. He groaned, squeezing a pillow over his head as he screamed into the void. He tossed and turned around the bed before reaching for his phone lying on the nightstand for what felt like the 100th time that day. Still nothing. No reply from Sand. 

The time difference between Thailand and Japan was not even that much. It was only two hours. The clock that enjoyed mocking him so much said it was 5pm his time which meant it was 7pm there. More than enough time to have finished in the studio, reached home and replied to at least one text. 

Why. Can’t. He. Find. Time. For. Me?!  Ray punched the bed with each word. 

Ray threw the phone to the bottom of the bed no longer capable of looking at the unread message he had sent 4 hours ago. 

Present Time 

Sand finally snapped. 

Venting his frustration, he crumpled the music sheet and flung it across the small table before it landed on the ground next to Nick. As Nick bent down to retrieve the waded ball, he heard the chair legs across from him scraping against the hard ground.  He looked up to see Sand up and pacing quickly back and forth across the studio floor.

“Sand, are you - ”

“He wanted to do this!” Sand yelled as he paused the pacing to run his hand through his hair. “He insisted that we do this song together”. 

Sand turned to face Nick and angrily pointed at him “You insisted we do this together”. 

“Sand, I—” 

 “So where is he, Nick? “It’s been days and nothing. He hasn’t replied to anything, not a call, not a text, Nothing!” 

“I don’t know Sand, I tried to contact him but like you said he isn’t responding.” Nick paused before asking his next question. “Did something happen between you two?” 

Sand hesitated to respond. 

 “Last time I saw him he was leaving the photo shoot. Looked like he couldn’t get out of there quick enough.” Nick raised an accusatory eyebrow before continuing. “And Mew told me he was out drinking all that night too, said he was in a terrible state when he eventually called Mew to pick him up.” 

Why didn’t he call me? The unwanted jealous thought invaded Sand’s mind but with Nick still staring at him, expecting an answer, Sand banished the thought quickly and quietly responded. 

“He met Summer at the photo shoot, she started talking about the wedding, maybe he didn’t take the news too well”. 

“Sand! Please tell me that’s not how he found out you were engaged?!” 

Sand couldn’t look at Nick, with a thud as heavy as his heart he landed on the small leather couch, crossing his arms over his face. The recording studio had never felt so cold.  A shiver ran down his spine as he remembered Summer and Ray finally coming face to face.

His head had known the day would eventually come when they would run into each other. But his heart was never going to be ready for the day his Past collided with his Present. Lost in his thoughts of that day, the broken look on Ray’s face, the excitement on Summer’s, he didn’t notice the seconds pass by until the sound of a chair being pulled up in front of the couch dragged his mind back to studio. 

Sand looked at his best friend who now straddled the chair in front of him. With legs placed either side, Nick hugged the chair back, leaned his chin on its edge and patiently waited for Sand to get off his chest whatever it was that was eating him from the inside out. 

“Why do you think Ray came back?”  Sand asked, finally breaking the silence between them. 

“Why do you think Ray came back?” Nick returned with a raised eyebrow. 

Sand felt Nick’s question burrowing into his soul, looking for an answer, a real answer. 

Sand paused before answering, “I don’t know” was all he could muster as he looked away, avoiding eye contact with Nick at all costs. 

“Yes, you do, he wants you back and he’s not hiding it very well, so don’t pretend you don’t know why he is here, why he is doing all this”. 

“Well, that’s not going to happen.” Sand shot back defensively.  

“I’m with someone I really care about. We’re starting a family soon. My career is finally going well. Things are finally good again

And I don’t need him here messing it all up. I want him gone!” Sand could feel his face getting hotter with each statement. Nick gave him a moment to breathe before responding. 

“And yet; You’re angry that he’s not here.” Nick stated calmly. 

The accusation hung in the air between them. Sand left it unanswered. 

Nick seized the moment; he stood up from the chair and seated himself beside Sand and prepared to ask something he had long wanted to ask, long before Ray had ever reappeared.  

Drawing in a deep breath he built up the courage and finally asked, “Look, forget about Ray for a second, are you happy, Sand? I know you care a lot about Summer, but do you love her?” 

Sand examined his friend’s face, looking for an ulterior motive before responding “She’s very important to me”

“That's not what I asked.” Nick responded in a low voice, laced with a concern that made Sand pause. “I asked, do you love her?”

Sand opened his mouth to respond but nothing came out. Swallowing before continuing, Nick forced Sand to meet his eyes before carrying on. 

“Sand, c’mon look at your album. It’s all about Ray, every song.  Would you be able to write the same words about Summer? Would the emotions come through as strong? Would the words mean as much? You wrote songs before you met Ray but nothing like this. Nothing that ever described love, all-consuming love, the way these songs do. And you wrote them all for Ray.”

Sand looked at him but couldn’t find the words to respond. The question about Summer had struck a nerve. Would he be able to write the same way about her, he wasn’t sure, but he wouldn’t admit that, not now, not with everything already planned.  

“Since Ray came back, you’ve changed.” Sand eyes widened waiting for what Nick might say next. Did he know? 

“It’s like he reignited the fire, the passion in you. With Summer its all very easy because she’s safe and accommodating but is it you? The real you? I see you with Ray and its different. Its raw, fierce and I dunno, you just seem more like yourself. Like the Sand I used to know and not just some muted version.”

Sand stared at this friend still unable to respond, how could he respond? How could he lie?

 “Look, I didn’t want to tell you this before but…” Nick closed his eyes and paused searching for the right words. 

“What?” Sand pushed Nick's knee urging him to continue. Nick opened his eyes and met the anxious gaze across from him. 

“When you disappeared, Ray never stopped looking for you. Not for a single moment. He called me every day, asking if I knew where you were”. 

Nick allowed a moment for the words to reach Sand’s brain and understand the reality of them. 

“I always lied; said I hadn’t heard from you, but it never stopped him. He would just call again the next day. To be honest I nearly told him a couple of times before now, he just sounded so broken and finding you was the only thing that could fix him. He didn’t happen to stumble across your path again now, he’s been searching for you the whole time.” 

Sand looked away; the enormity of what Nick had just said lay too heavy on his heart to look anywhere else. He knew that Ray had looked for him at the start, he had received the texts and missed calls. but he never would have guessed it had gone on for so long or that Ray had been contacting other people. He had assumed that when the calls to his own phone became less and less that Ray had finally moved on and started his life over without him. 

How could he have been so naïve! This was Ray they were talking about. The same Ray who held onto a secret crush on his best friend for years without giving up, not until he had met Sand. 

Despite the Sand’s solemn figure wilting in from of him, Nick pressed on with his confession. 

“I knew how hurt you were, how hard the breakup was, and I knew you guys needed to get away from each other, so I lied and hid you from him and him from you. I’m sorry Sand I just wanted to see you happy, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I had told you about Ray that you could have worked it out and you would be happy now with him.  

“No Nick!  You’re wrong” Sand voice cracked. Fighting to regain his composure, Sand picked an empty space on the wall behind Nick and focused on it, blinking back the tears threatening to spill down his face. 

“You did the right thing.” Sand reassured his friend. “Ray made it very clear that I was the one who destroyed his life. Broke him, his heart, us! And I could never be with someone who thinks that way about me”. 

“But Sand” Nick reached out and placed a comforting hand on Sand’s knee, forcing Sand to look at him again, “If it that was true, why would he be here, why wouldn’t he have let you go, why would he still care?”

Sand aggressively wiped away a tear that had betrayed him and slid down his left cheek. “Don’t worry about it anymore, it’s done with now. None of this was your fault”. Sand placed his hand over Nick’s and gave a small squeeze of reassurance. “Somethings just don’t work out and this time it’s for the best, you didn’t cause this mess, I did”. 

It had been Sand's decision to leave Ray and move somewhere no-one not even Ray could find. Ray had money, he could employ the best people to find Sand if he really wanted to, He knew this all too well so for three months, he had stayed in a remote village in the mountains, no phone signal, no internet, no friends or family, just him and the villagers going about their daily routine free from interruption. 

The time away had helped free his crumbling mind from the ongoing cycle of a failing career, an emotionally draining relationship and a friend group who encouraged him to follow the same destructive patterns over and over again. Only Nick and his Mom knew where he was during that time and he would be forever grateful to them for giving him the time alone to heal without any pressure to return. 

In the peace and solitude, with no phone or anyone to distract him, his guitar became his only outlet.  Words and melodies flowed from his melancholy mind and long fingers, crafting themselves into some of the most beautiful, reflective, sincere songs to ever grace paper. Its where he had written most of the new album, he owed his new success to those quiet mountains. 

Despite his best efforts the hot angry tears continued to well in Sand’s eyes. Unable to contain them anymore he needed space from this conversation and the questions he wasn’t ready or able to face. 

“I will go get some air.” Sand stated firmly, jumping to his feet, He briskly walked out of the room, closing the door firmly behind him, a silent message to Nick, don’t follow me. 

Sand stormed down the corridor and kicked open the emergency exit door that led to the external stairwell. The soft cool breeze of the afternoon tickled his face, an unwelcome reminder of the last time he had escaped to this spot seeking a moment alone. A moment that had been interrupted by Ray.  

Interrupted by Ray kissing him in the same exact spot. The memory stirred up all the confused emotions that he was desperately trying to suppress. 

Leaning his back against the wall behind him he finally let out a heavy sigh. The sky was as dark as he felt. A couple of stars blinked, mocking him for the time he tried to move on from Ray. 

With an unsteady hand he pulled the cigarette packet out of his jeans. Picking one and placing it between his lips, his mind drifted back to that night. 

The night it had all ended.

“Why are you doing this to yourself, to us?” Sand’s voice was fragile when he picked up the empty bottle and shoved it away from Ray. He bent down on his knees and began picking up the pieces of another broken glass, broken at the hands of a drunk incapable of holding onto anything that required care. 

Stopping mid-way, he realised it wasn’t just the glass that was shattered into pieces, his heart was too and here he was picking it up off the floor again. Ray stood there merely an onlooker, watching the process repeat itself over and over again without a care for the outcome. 

Angry tears fought their way forward and he cracked. “Do you want me to hate you, Ray? Is that it?  Do you want me to leave? Do you think I can do this forever?”

“You won’t leave, Sand.” The short statement was calm, but sharp and cold. It pierced Sand’s heart like a shard of ice. 

“You think I won’t!” Sand had challenged. 

Ray scoffed as he reached for a new bottle of whiskey amongst the empty ones and gulped down a good amount of the hot burning drink, letting the alcohol fog his mind even more. His drunk, hurt, heart was now as hard as stone; he continued the verbal onslaught. 

“You always stay Sand, that’s what you do.

 People use you, get bored, find something better and then; They leave you. 

But you, you never leave. You accept anything that people throw at you and you always stay, like a loyal puppy.”

Ray bent down to where Sand still kneeled on the ground, placed a hand under his chin, forcing Sand to look at him. 

“You’ll never change Sand.”

Ray laughed as he pushed Sand’s face away, straightened up and took another swig from the bottle as he walked away. 

After that incident, Sand had wanted to prove that Ray was wrong about him. He could walk away. He wouldn’t stay with anyone treating him that way. Not even Ray. He was determined to leave and not look back. But now all his efforts seemed to have been in vain, here was Ray invading his every thought once again but if he was honest with himself, Ray had never left his heart or mind no matter how hard he tried no matter how much distance he put between them. It had just been easier to ignore before now. 

Unable to ignore it anymore, he pulled his phone out of his pocket and opened his recent call log.  It wasn’t hard to find Ray’s phone number. He had been calling him nonstop for the last three days. He would claim all the calls were because he was worried about getting the song finished but if he he was honest, he was just worried about Ray. 

Still no answer.  

“Damn it, Ray.” Sand cursed underneath his breath, closing his eyes tightly. 

Ray’s face swam across his mind. That hurt look when he saw the wedding ring on Summer’s finger. It had been haunting him for days, distracting him. Sand thought he would be happy to prove Ray wrong. Prove that he could walk away and start again. So why did it hurt so much to have Ray see it in real life. 

The sudden vibration of his phone made him almost drop it. 

—When are you coming home? I made your favourite food xx 

A disappointed sigh escaped his mouth. Just Summer, again! She was everything a good partner should be, her most recent message proving it once again. She was everything he should be but wasn’t.  He knew he cared deeply for her, how could anyone not, sweet, innocent Summer. She did everything to become closer to him; to embed herself into his heart but he had always held a piece of himself back, afraid to offer it to anyone again. 

Unfortunately, without knowing it Summer reminded him of Ray all too often. Cooking his favourite meal, encouraging his career but mainly the way she relied on him and looked for him to solve all her troubles. He couldn’t help but see Ray in those moments and each time it happened, the all-consuming guilt of supressed feelings would subconsciously build the wall between him and Summer just another brick higher

A wave of regret and guilt washed over Sand again. He was playing a dangerous game with his own feelings, and he knew it. The moment Ray had appeared again, his mind had been consumed with the life they should have had together, all that it could have been. The tattoo on his finger, no longer just an ink stain to be ignored, but a painful reminder of the intense, all-consuming love they had shared and the promises they had made to each other. 

No matter what

No matter where

Sand looked at his phone again, still nothing. “Fuck you Ray, you just love to make people worry about you.” 

He put the phone back in his pocket, Summer’s text still unanswered. Leaning his head against the wall again he let out an exasperated sigh before finally lighting up his cigarette. 

Everything made him think of Ray. 

Even this damn cigarette in this damn stairwell. 

The door pushed open a crack beside him, Sand whipped his head hoping to see a particular person. Disappointed yet again he resumed smoking. 

“Sorry Sand, but they are ready now, we need you back inside”. Sand acknowledged Nick with a single nod before proceeding to finish his cigarette. 

Chapter Text

🎵

“Sorry Sand, but they are ready now, we need you back inside”. Sand acknowledged Nick with a single nod before preceding to finish his cigarette. 

He flicked away the butt and headed back inside and down the long corridor back to the recording studio. His head swam from his talk with Nick, but he needed to get through this session. Sand did his best to bury his confused thoughts deep and focus his mind. 

“Are you ready?” The sound engineer’s voice came through his headphones snapping Sand back to reality. 

Clearing his throat, Sand pressed the headphones tightly to his ears, took a deep breath “I’m ready.”  

Familiar words sat on the page waiting for him to start. Pressing his lips together, he silently scolded himself for waiting for a reply that clearly wasn’t coming. The music started playing through his headphones, and Sand’s heartbeat slowed, matching the beat of the song. Strained and Sad. The feeling was still the same as when he had written it in the isolation of the mountains. A song composed from a heart that bleed for all that was lost. 

The memories consumed his mind as he started singing.  

🎵

Brand-new apartment, we sat on the floor

A blow-up mattress and some plastic forks

~

Ray sat on the floor, wrapped in a bed sheet. Eating the breakfast that he had made. He took another bite. The bed sheet fell off his shoulder revealing his soft bare skin. His hair gently fell over his forehead and covered his eyes. He looked beautifully innocent, as if no bad things had every darkened his thoughts.

 A smirk spread from his lips as he met the gaze firmly locked on his. “You look like you haven’t had enough yet.” He put down the food and crawled over. Gently pushed onto his back, Sand didn’t struggle as his boyfriend’s arms trapped his body on both sides.  Face to face and unable to resist, he lost himself again, “Do you want some more?”

~

Our clothes on the counter, keys in the door

You're all that I wanted, never been so sure

Chances are

The future will take us places that we can't imagine yet

And chances are

Yours is the face I could never forget

Lost in the words and the memories they invoked, Sand paid no attention to the sound studio audience and sang as if he were still alone in his cabin hidden from the world. 

But suddenly nothing is the way that it was

Is this what it feels like to love someone?

Don't know what you had until it's gone

Is this what it feels like to love someone?

Love someone, love someone

Sand’s voice cracked on a high note, throat too tight with restrained emotion and he was forced to stop.  Unwelcome tears fell silently down his cheeks. “I’m sorry, just give me a minute.” He apologized with a shaking voice as he reached for the water bottle beside his foot. 

“Your voice is still my favourite; I could listen to you sing forever.” Sand’s heart jumped as he looked up to locate the sudden yet familiar voice. He could see the figure standing behind the glass wall holding the intercom button. 

When the door to the recording booth opened and Ray stepped inside Sand’s breath caught in his chest.  Sand glanced through the glass window to the control room and although faintly lit he could see no one else was there. The music still played in his headphones with no one at the controls to stop it. “Where, how?” Sand tried to gather his thoughts as he pulled the headphones off and attempted to drape them over the mic stand. They fell but Sand ignored them unable to take his eyes away from Ray. 

“You scared m- .” 

“I love that all your songs are about me.” Ray cut across unapologetically. “Your feelings are so raw so real. I guess that's why people love your songs, they can see the truth behind them.” 

“Where have you been? I have been texting and calling you and you didn’t reply.” 

~

Two years and 5 months ago

Ray looked at message again, still no reply. He should have just gone with Sand to Japan! This whole long -distance thing was driving him insane. He wasn’t used to not having Sand when he needed him. And he needed him right now. He missed him so much; he had only been gone a month, but it felt like forever. 

It had been almost a week since they had last talked probably. In the beginning It was easier. Sand would call when he got home from the studio. Ray would happily listen as Sand excitedly filled him in on all the goings on that day. But all that changed as Sand got busier and busier. Exhausted, their two-hour calls had become two-minute check ins. 

And now they were barely talking. Ray had finally snapped at Sand a couple of days ago. He just couldn’t hold back any longer, he needed Sand to make more of an effort, tired of excuses that work had him too occupied, he had offloaded all his insecurities onto his boyfriend in an angry tirade. Sand tried his best to calm Ray but under the relentless onslaught Sand eventually cracked and hung up on Ray. 

Ray hated it when they fought. Sand tended to disappear until he calmed down. Under normal circumstances, Ray would have tracked him down, talked it out face to face and resolved whatever the issue was. But how was he supposed to do that now. His only way to reach Sand was an easily ignored phone and Sand could choose not to reply forever if he wanted. The helplessness was driving Ray insane. 

Swiping to the right, Ray closed the chat between him and his boyfriend. His boyfriend who was obviously still sulking. Ray signed as his finger selected the active chat that he had with his friends. At least they would never ignore him. 

Without looking at the current trail of messages, he interrupted, taking control of the chat.

Ray: How busy a musician can be that they can’t even reply to one message? 

Boston : Ask Reddit 😊  

Mew: Boston shut up

Mew: Have you still not talked to him ????

Ray: I’ve sent him tons of messages but he is not replying

Ray : I’m trying to convince myself that he’s just busy and not ignoring me ☹  

 Ray sent the last message and felt the heaviness in his heart deepen. 

Cheum : You fought again!!!!!

Cheum: If I had a dollar for every time you fought I would be as rich as you

Boston: Why would you earn a dollar, Cheum? Are you uploading their fights to a Pay Per View 😊 😊 

Boston was irritating Ray. Could he ever just be serious?!

Mew: Why don’t you just go to him??

Reliable Mew, the only one with good ideas, Ray smiled. 

Boston: You seem like you are losing your mind while he is away 

Cheum: You miss him, Ray… that’s why you keep fighting with him… Just go see him 

Ray stared at their messages he knew they were right, but he hesitated to follow their advice. 

He didn’t know what was worse if it was the loneliness, the empty feeling or their cold bed that Sand had left when he went to Japan, but all Ray knew was that he wished Sand was next to him right now. Sand’s strong arms wrapped around him would make everything better, they always did.  He never wanted to be an unsupportive boyfriend that held Sand back from accomplishing his dreams. He loved watching his eyes sparkling while he talked about all the things he wanted to achieve. His smile was always the biggest when he talked about himself on a big stage in front of a large crowd. But Ray couldn’t help selfishly wanting Sand back home with him. 

Ray: But how can I go to him when he is in Japan?

Mew: ???

Cheum: ????

  Boston: My friend, your sadness has stopped your brain from working 😊  

Ray: What am I missing here?!

Cheum: Well, last time I checked you were rich, Ray!!

Cheum : Just get the ticket and go to him!!!!! 

Mew: Surprise him, I bet he would be so happy to see you XX

Ray smiled. Intrigued by the idea of surprising Sand. He imagined Sand’s wide smile and bright eyes upon seeing him. Without wasting another second, Ray found himself booking a flight that departed that night.

~

“I guess it’s not so fun to be on the receiving end of someone ignoring your texts” Ray smirked. 

“Seriously Ray, enough! Where were you?”

“Where was I? Why, Sand? You worried about me? You should be careful; it’s starting to sound like you missed me.” Ray mocked as he closed the distance between them. 

“Ray, stop it! I’m not joking right now.” Sand scowled. 

Ray now mere inches from Sand, “I won’t lie Sand, I was a little thrown when I saw her engagement ring”.  Ray sarcastically air quoted the words “engagement ring”. Sand batted his hand down annoyed. 

“But then I remembered something, Ray paused, his smirk gone, replaced with an intense stare.  “Her ring can be removed, thrown away but mine can’t.” Ray raised his hand and held it beside his face showing off the tattoo band circling his finger. 

“And, oh look Sand, you appear to have a matching one on your hand how odd” the sarcasm returning to Ray’s voice as he grabbed Sand’s hand harshly and pulled him closer. 

Still holding his hand tight Ray moved closer to Sand’s ear and whispered, “So, if you have a ring and I have a ring that means, you belong with me. You always have. You always will”. 

“I am not yours Ray!” Sand snapped and pushed Ray away and headed for the door. Sand tried to open it, but Ray’s hand was quicker slamming it shut. Ray grabbed Sand by the shoulder, spun him around and pinned him. Ray planted a hand beside Sand's head, caging him between his small body and the door, cutting off an easy escape. 

Sand felt the heat creeping up his neck to his face and ears. Ray’s closeness was too much. His heart drummed loudly in his ears. So loud he was sure Ray could hear it. His thoughts quickly wandered to the control room, wondered if they were still recording, praying they weren’t. 

Ray was dangerously close, and Sand was running out of patience. 

A shiver ran down Sand’s spine as he watched Ray reach a hand up and gently place it on his shoulder, slowly sliding it down the length of his arm. 

Goosebumps. 

“You never were a good liar.” Ray whispered as he placed his other hand under Sand’s chin, turning it, forcing Sand to look him in the eyes. Sand held his breath, and kept his stare firm, refusing to let Ray know the effect he was having on him. 

“Your songs, the way you look at me, the way your body reacts to my touch. You are mine, Sand. Even if you refuse to admit it, your heart is mine.” 

Ray removed his hand from Sand’s chin and placed it over Sand’s heart. “I can feel it beating for me.” Sand swallowed hard but refused to move, rooted to the spot under the spell Ray was currently weaving. 

“Your mind is mine. Your eyes, your cheeks, your lips”. A slow exhale escaped Sand when Ray’s thumb traced a delicate path across his lips. “All is mine.” 

“But you, you never leave. You accept anything that people throw at you and you always stay, like a loyal puppy.” 

“You’ll never change Sand.”

The words rang like an alarm in Sand’s head. 

“I am not yours Ray.” Sand snapped pushing Ray back. 

Now it was his turn. He grabbed Ray by the shirt, turned him quickly and pushed him hard against the door. Pushed him so hard that Ray’s breath caught in his chest with the impact. Ray winced. Hands placed either side of him, Sand leaned in, his breath tingling Ray’s lips. 

 “But I’ll give you what you want, Ray, like the spoiled brat you are.” Sand practically snarled as he grabbed Ray roughly by the back of head, fisted his fingers through his hair and pulled him closer. 

Their lips collided in a mesh of anger and desire.  

Sand tasted the whiskey on Ray’s tongue. Angry heat rushed through his body. He pushed Ray’s shirt off his shoulders to the floor. His cold fingers met the warm skin of Ray’s abdomen as he pulled the tank top up, exposing the soft muscles. He dragged the tank top upwards and knotted it around Ray’s hands, effectively cutting them off from use. 

Ray now stood half naked in front of him, breathing heavily.  Sand took a moment to have a look at Ray. His cheeks were red, probably from the whiskey he had consumed. Eyes fogged with lust and desire. 

“Like what you see?” Ray asked with a smirk, leaning back against the wall, hands bound and resting above his head. 

“You said, you didn’t relapse.” Sand accused.  

The groan that escaped Ray’s throat was muffled by Sand’s lips, by Sand’s tongue invading every corner of his mouth. Dominant, hungry, angry, Sand bit down harshly on Ray’s bottom lip. Ray’s strangled moan filled the room. 

“You aren’t gentle today.” Ray groaned as Sand’s mouth traced down his neck, teeth digging into the soft skin between his neck and shoulder. Sand hand slid down his arm to Ray’s jeans, unbuttoning them with the deftness of experience. 

Ray panted “I love it when you’re rou-” 

Ray’s words were cut short when Sand suddenly moved his hands, one hand moved to keep Ray’s hands pinned to the door, the other slid smoothly down his boxers, grabbing Ray’s hardened, dripping member. Sand looked directly into Ray’s eyes and stroked his thumb over the tip of Ray’s throbbing cock.  Ray gasped and his knees bent slightly under his body’s intense reaction. 

“This is what you want isn’t it?” Sand asked in a low deep voice, his hand sliding along his ex’s length. Ray nodded, his mouth gaped open with pleasure as Sand continued the slow torture of his cock and began kissing across his bare chest. 

Ray’s head leaned back against the door as he pressed him, hips forward, desperately seeking Sand’s touch. “Fuck Sand.” Ray moaned, “I want you.” 

“Will my body be enough for you?” Sand asked, his hand increasing its pace, driving Ray to the brink.  Face to face again, Sand watched Ray moan with pleasure, his lips close to Rays’s but kept just out of reach. Another measured move designed to push Ray to the edge. 

Sand rubbed his nose against Ray’s, agonisingly close, Ray moved to capture those delicious lips in his, but Sand pulled back just far enough to stay out of reach. “You disappeared for days and come back here horny, desperate for my touch. What’s wrong Ray, couldn’t find someone to please you the way I can?” 

“No… fuck!.. what are you -” Ray’s voice hitched as the pleasure started to build from the depths of his body. Sand knowing how close Ray was, swiftly locked his lips on Ray’s again and kissed him hard as his hand stroked Ray. Ray moaned into Sand’s mouth as he reached the height of orgasm, his knees buckling into Sand, relying of Sand’s strength to keep him standing.   

 “Sand” Ray whispered as his body struggled to cope with the after effect of the intense pleasure that he hadn’t felt in so long. 

“Happy now, Ray? You got what you wanted.” Sand said, breathing hard and dropping Ray’s hands from above his head. He pulled the tank top off Ray’s hands and threw it at him. 

Ray looked at him but said nothing as he pulled the tank top back over his head. 

 “You come here wasted. Wanting to play more games. Is that all I am to you, a game that needs to be won?!”

“Sand, I”

“No Ray, I’m not doing this with you anymore, I have my life, someone who appreciates me, a career that’s finally going somewhere, and here you are, same drunk Ray.  I already won this game so just quit trying to mess things up.” 

“You aren’t being fair Sand.”

“You’ve never been fair Ray.” 

~

Japan was colder than Thailand. Ray had known it would be, but he still wasn’t prepared for it. He was frozen through as if an ice bucket had been thrown all over his head. 

With flowers in one hand and a bag full of Sand’s favourite records in the other he stood staring, rooted to the spot. The scene unfolding in front of him had rendered him speechless. His mind screamed for him to turn around and leave but his body wouldn’t act. Coming here was a mistake.  

In front of him was not his lonely, overworked partner but a happy and laughing Sand, looking healthy, well rested and not at all stressed. 

 He didn’t look like he missed Ray in the slightest. His phone was in his hand, the same phone that refused to respond to numerous messages and beside him was the last person Ray had ever imagined would be here. 

Standing there tall and confident, his hand placed casually on Sand’s shoulder. 

The world spun and Ray’s vision blurred with anger. 

What the hell was Boeing doing here?

Chapter Text

🎵

“You aren’t being fair Sand.”

“You too! You’ve never been fair, Ray. And you’re still not being fair. Disappearing for days, turning up here drunk, making me worry about you again. How is this fair? I’m not doing this with you again, I’m not watching you destroy yourself and everyone around you, not again.” It felt like a volcano had erupted as Sand spat each word out of his mouth. His eyes burned hot red and his neck veins popped with anger. “Now move!”

The colour in Ray’s face, only moments ago flushed with desire, drained as Sand fiercely pushed him out of the way.  Ray, still struggling to re-dress himself, reached out to grab Sand’s arm, but his ex was quicker, Ray helplessly watched as Sand opened the door and stormed out of the studio.

“Sand, wait.” Ray yelled at the closing door as he hurriedly stuffed his top back in his jeans and zipped them closed. Seconds later he swiftly pulled open the door and ran down the corridor in desperate pursuit. “Please! Let’s talk, Sand, wait please, this isn’t what I came here for!” 

Sand ignored the pleas that followed him, he arrived at the elevator and pressed the button. As Ray reached him Sand angrily banged at the button as if pressing it multiple times could make the elevator arrive faster. Ray stood breathlessly at his side, but Sand refused to look at him, his blood was boiling from their encounter, and he struggled to control his breathing. His fists curled into balls as he urged the elevator to hurry up. He felt if he even glanced at Ray, he might punch him. 

“Sand please hear me out.” Ray begged, his voice desperately pleading for Sand to listen to him. He grabbed Sand's hand with both of his hands, pulling his arm closer in an effort to get Sand to look at him. He needed Sand to see him, see the truth in what he needed to say, but Sand too lost in his own emotions and cruelly pulled him arm away. 

“Sand” was all Ray could say his voice breaking as the panic of seeing Sand closing himself off again set in. 

Sand heard Ray and it pulled at his heart. He bit down on his bottom, still refusing to look at Ray, he couldn’t. If he did, he might lose the only logical part of himself still holding on. 

“Why Ray, why did you start drinking again?”  Sand asked through gritted teeth. He couldn’t help it; his default setting was to worry about Ray. Even apart he had always worried. 

“I was frustrated.” Ray admitted as his shoulders dropped, defeated, “I’m a mess without you Sand.” 

“and you were a mess with me.” Sand stated solemnly. He finally gave up and turned to look at Ray. Ray could see the sadness behind Sand’s eyes looking at him now in this state,  again. 

“I can stop, I will stop. I’ll do anything you ask. Please let’s talk and sort all this out.” Ray’s voice trembled, reaching out for Sand’s hand again. But Sand closed his eyes tightly as he took a step away from him, this time too slow to avoid Ray’s grip. Ray looked at him, his wide eyes pleading.

”Sand…” The name came from Ray’s lips as barely a whisper.  

*DING*

The elevator arrived and the pair turned their heads at the sudden interruption. The doors slid open, and Sand quickly pulled his hand from Ray’s. Ray dropped his hand to his side and looked away. 

“Summer!” Sand stuttered in shock. 

Walking out of the elevator, Summer glanced back and forth between the pair, Sand looking like a deer in headlights and Ray looking awkwardly at the worn carpet. The tension in the hallway was palpable and although dimly lit, Summar observed the scene in front of her clearly. She surveyed Ray, messy hair, unbuttoned shirt, pale. Sand on the other hand, was perfectly dressed but his cheeks flushed an unusual crimson. 

“I never knew song writing could be this stimulating.” Summar stated, an unknown edge to her voice throwing Sand off guard temporarily. Ray subconsciously cleared his throat, and quietly raised a finger to dismiss a tear threatening the corner of his eye. 

“Or emotional.” She continued, looking from Ray back to Sand with a curious eyebrow raised. 

Sand’s jaw clenched as he glanced at Ray looking for what Summer was referring to. He swallowed hard waiting on his brain to engage with a believable excuse to provide Summer but one never came. 

“What are you doing here?” Sand’s voice came out harsher than he intended. It wasn’t strange for Summer to visit him in the studio but always she would text first, she had never come unannounced before. 

“Well, I was bored home all alone and you haven’t replied to my messages all day, so I came to check on you.” Summer answered calmly, the sweet smile returning to her soft face. 

Ray's head swivelled in Sand’s direction. His heart thumping hard, first from having almost been caught but now from the knowledge that Sand had been ignoring messages from his fiancée while at the same time calling and messaging him non-stop all day. Hope rose in Ray’s heart. 

But it was short lived. 

The hope crushed under Sand’s feet when he sighed, shook his head and stepped closer to Summer, taking her into his arms. Ray’s heart froze. The small smile that had been forming, dissolved into a thin line. His eyes downcast once again, he couldn’t bear to watch someone’s else in Sand’s arms. 

“I’m sorry.” Sand said, kissing the crown of Summer’s head. Ray shuddered witnessing the action. Jealousy surged through Ray knowing that only a few minutes ago Sand’s arms had been wrapped around him and kisses landed on his body. Sand’s touch still lingered on him, the marks from harsh bites still littered his neck unseen. 

“I was just busy today. You know how stressful it gets working on the album, I lost track of time.” Sand rubbed Summer’s back before gently suggesting. “Let’s go home. You said you made my favourite food. I can’t wait to taste it.” 

Ray, seemingly forgotten, cleared his throat, “I’ll go home then. We can pick up where we left off tomorrow, Sand.” The words sounded innocent, but Sand knew the real meaning behind them. Sand simply nodded a response, there wasn’t much more he could do, not with Summer looking up at him. 

“Goodnight then” Ray nodded to Summer and then Sand. Sand looked away; guilty he couldn’t bring himself to look at Ray.  

“Wait,” Summer perked up, stepping away from Sand.  “Ray, isn’t it?” 

Ray turned and nodded. Warily, he glanced at Sand who was standing confused, his eyes glued to Summer waiting for what was coming next. 

“You should come with us. You’ve been working hard too; you must be hungry”.  

Ray blinked. His mouth hung open, not sure what to say. He looked at Sand who was glaring at him, shaking his head slightly, silently urging him not to accept her offer.

“Baby…” Sand started, putting an arm around his fiancée.  Ray watched and fumed as Sand continued, “I think Ray is tired. We don’t want to bother him.” 

“Oh!” Summer looked up at Sand disappointed before turning back to Ray, “Are you tired, Ray? I made a lot of food, and I wouldn’t want it to go to waste.” 

“Baby—” 

“That sounds great, I’d love to join you.” Ray said suddenly, earning a stern look from Sand. Ray ignored him. 

If Sand wanted to stand there and pretend that nothing had happened between them, that nothing was happening between them then Ray would make him suffer, just the way he was suffering. 

Misery loves company. 

~~ 

Ray had followed the “happy” couple in his own car. Sand had kept a desperate eye in the rearview mirror wishing Ray would come to his senses and go home, but he didn't and pulled up beside them in front of the apartment complex. 

“Welcome to our home, Ray.” Summer smiled as she ushered Ray across the threshold.  Ray face betrayed him with a sneer upon hearing the word “home”. Luckily Sand was the only one to see it, Summer continued her welcomes blissfully unaware. 

Ray’s eyes wandered around the small apartment masquerading as Sand’s home. 

It was nothing like their place. There were no vinyl records on the walls, no huge gramophone taking up valuable real estate, no hideous artwork on the walls. It was as if Sand, the real Sand, didn’t exist in this place. If he hadn’t spotted the guitar in the corner of the living room, the guitar He bought Sand, then Ray wouldn’t have believed Sand lived here at all. 

“You have a lovely… home.” Ray politely faked. He wanted to add: “Almost lifeless.” But bit his tongue for now. 

“Make yourself comfortable.” Summer said as she walked towards what Ray assumed was the kitchen.  “I will go and get the food.” Summer paused as she passed Sand, and placed a gentle hand on his arm, “Sand offer our guest something to drink, be a good host.” 

Sand responded with a smile, “Of course, where are my manners?”

“Is she always like this?” Ray whispered to Sand as he busied himself pouring drinks. “Seems very bossy. I guess you have a type” he smirked as Sand shot him a scowl over his shoulder. 

“Not sure if I like her” Ray continued in a hushed tone looking down at the glass Sand had pushed so harshly into his hand the ice cubes rattled loudly in the glass. 

“You don’t have to like her, Ray.” Sand hissed, rolling his eyes as he sidestepped to come right in front of Ray. “Why did you come here? What are you planning.?” 

“So suspicious Sand, she invited me. It would be rude of me not to accept. But don’t worry your secret is safe …for now” Ray smirked, obviously enjoying having the upper hand in this situation.  

“You could have said no.” 

“And miss out on all the fun? Not seeing your new home?” Ray chuckled, sarcastically. “Don’t you want me to get to know the person you love, the one you will marry.  I am your sponsor after all, we should get to know each other?” 

“You—” Sand swallowed the rest of his words as he spotted Summer’s returning from the kitchen. She carried plates full of food in both hands. After carefully placing them on the dinner table, she looked over at Sand and Ray standing in the middle of the room. 

“Are you going to keep standing?” She asked with eyebrows raised, gesturing for them to come over. “I just heated the food. Hurry up before it gets cold again.” 

When she disappeared back into the kitchen, Ray looked over his shoulder at Sand. “Don’t let the boss get angry. Let’s have a seat.” 

“Fuck you, Ray.” Sand mouthed to Ray before following him, taking the seat at the head of the small dining table. It was rectangular with one chair on both ends, while two chairs sat on either side. Ray took the nearest chair to Sand and when Summer came back with her own plate, she sat to Sand’s other side, opposite Ray. 

Ray raised his glass and took a drink to steady himself for battle. He choked. 

Water! 

He glared at Sand, and it was Sand’s turn to smirk.

“Something wrong Ray?”

“Nope, I love water… Just wasn’t expecting it to be… eh… so cold.” 

The eye contact between the pair was fierce, challenging. 

“Sand”, Summer chimed in breaking the tension, “Maybe Ray would like a real drink”. 

“No honestly it's fine, I am taking a break from alcohol.” Ray looked back at Sand, his expression silent but clear, I can stop. I will stop. I’ll do anything you ask.

Summer began placing food on his plate and Ray thanked her. He was about to pick up his spoon and fork when he paused. This was their favourite dish! Him and Sand. The only dish Ray had managed to master competently for Sand’s standards. His hesitation was noticed. 

“Do you not like this type of food?” Summer asked when she noticed that Ray was not eating. “I can make you something else.” 

“No, sorry it’s okay.” Ray shook his head as he gave her a smile. “Actually, it used to be my favourite dish. I haven't had it in so long. It just reminded me of someone, my ex-boyfriend.” 

Sand choked on his food, coughing as he reached out for the water. He gulped down a whole glass of water and kicked out harshly at Ray under the table. Summer stood up and hurried to help Sand, patting him on the back, checking he was okay. Sand rubbed her arm reassuring her that he was fine. 

Ray sat frozen, hurt from the swift kick but more hurt by seeing them like this, normal, easy, a real couple. 

The realization finally hit him that maybe he shouldn’t take this from Sand. Summer really did care for him, he would be well looked after. He would have a good life, maybe not exciting but at least it would be easier. 

Ray resented her even more in that moment. 

“I’m fine.” Sand reassured again. “Your food is so delicious, baby. I forgot to slow down.” 

Summer chuckled as she punched his arm, playfully. “Be careful, I don’t want to lose you so soon.” 

Ray scoffed, rolling his eyes. Summer glared at him, raising an eyebrow, challengingly. Ray looked back at her with a small smirk before taking a small bite of her food. 

“I like to make this dish too, but I think I add a little more spice to mine. I will make it next time and invite you.” Ray took another bite, feeling Sand’s gaze burning a hole in his skull. Ray pretended not to notice and carried on the charade of being a good guest.  

“So, tell me, how did you both meet? I am curious to know about your love story.” Ray addressed his question to Summer as innocently as he could fake. 

“Well,” Summer started, placing her hand over Sand’s. She smiled at him before turning her head back to Ray. Her eyes shined with excitement at the topic as if that was her favourite thing to talk about. “It was fate really. Straight out of a romance novel.” 

Ray raised an eyebrow, “oh really, how so?” He toyed with the food on his plate, unable to stomach anymore. 

“We met at a music festival in Chiang Mai.” Summer gleamed, recalling the memory of hers and Sand’s first encounter. “I went to the bar to get a drink and there he was, All tall and handsome, a mysterious stranger standing at the bar. But his face looked kind. It was crowded and I couldn’t see the drink’s menu so I gathered my courage and asked him what he would recommend, and we just went from there. I definitely thought he must be there with someone but turns out his date stood him up. Am I remembering it correctly, honey?”

Sand cleared his throat as he fidgeted in his chair. “Well, yeah. I was supposed to go to that festival with someone, but they never showed up.” 

“You actually went?” Ray spoke before he could think, and silence filled the room. 

Sand met Ray’s eyes and they kept their eyes locked on one another for longer than was natural between supposed colleagues. Sand nudged Ray with his knee under the table and Ray tried to correct himself quickly, “Sorry I meant, you actually went to a festival alone, I would never have had the courage.”

But Ray had gone to that festival alone too. 

At the time Ray thought there was no way Sand would show up. They had booked the tickets and intended on going together when Sand came back from Japan. The universe however had made other plans.  When the day had eventually come, Ray had gathered himself and gone. But standing in front of the big festival gate, looking at the crowd— a lot of them were couples while others were with their friends, had driven him home. Just how lonely he was since Sand left, imagining them here together. 

If Sand had never gone to Japan…

If it hadn’t all gone wrong…

 Ray knew he was stuck, unable to move forward. 

As he stood there frozen, he scolded himself for coming, what was he expecting? 

Sand to be waiting at the gates! 

He never did dare go inside. He had left, dragging his heavy heart behind him, without ever having set a foot inside the gates. 

“Why waste a good ticket?” Sand shrugged sadly, finally breaking away from Ray’s gaze. 

“Told you, it's fate.” Summer’s smile grew as if she hadn’t noticed the tension in the air, and successfully shifted the conversation back to her. “Well, it's lucky for me, I’m glad the other person didn’t show up.” 

The rage built inside Ray. Lucky?! Their heartbreak, was her good fortune? He had reached his limit. 

“I wouldn’t call being an understudy for his intended date lucky?” Ray scoffed, pressing himself to the back of the chair, folding his arms defiantly in front of him. “His heart was clearly waiting for someone else that day.” 

Summer’s face reddened with anger as she slammed her hands on the table before pushing herself off her chair. 

“Well, at least I never abandoned him.” Summer drew in an angry breath, “But you Ray… You did abandon him.. You broke his heart, not me. I have been nothing but a good partner since we first met, can you say the same?!” 

Summer stood staring at Ray, her breathing erratic. Sand looked at her with wide eyes. It all had fallen in place. Her recent clingy behavior, her continuous texts and unannounced appearances at his workplace. 

She knew! 

Sand reached for her, but Summer wouldn’t allow it, she turned, stomped across the floor and barged her way into the refuge of the kitchen without a backwards glance. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Sand’s words were filled with venom. Ray couldn’t look at him. He soullessly looked at the food going cold in front of him. She knew! Summer’s words hung in the air, echoed in his ears, and replayed over and over in his head

But you Ray… You did abandon him., You broke his heart, not me. 

Sand shoved Ray’s shoulder angrily but Ray still refused to look at him. He didn’t want to see the look on Sand’s face as he said, “Look what you've done, are you fucking happy now!” 

Both flinched when a sudden smashing sound erupted from the kitchen. Sand cursed underneath his breath as he pushed his chair out and stood up ready to follow the noise to the kitchen. 

Before Sand could take a step to leave the table, Ray’s hand caught his wrist stopping him. His eyes were glassy with tears as he whispered, “I didn’t mean to… I— Don’t go, please.” 

“Enough, Ray. That’s Enough.” Sand pulled his arms with such vigour that Ray almost toppled out of his chair. Summer cursed loudly from the kitchen. Sand turned and headed for the kitchen, coldly leaving Ray alone in the dining area, with nothing else to do but watch as Sand chose Summer over him once again. 

~~ 

Inside the kitchen, Summer was kneeling in front of the broken glass scattered across the floor. She held one hand inside the other as blood dropped slowly to the floor, cruelly mimicking the tears that fell down her already damp cheeks. Sand approached her slowly and wordlessly helped her to her feet.  

Sand dampened a cloth and wrapped it as gently as he could around her hand before kneeling down to pick up the rest of the broken glass.  Sand heard Summer breathing heavily behind him, her breath was ragged with anger. He closed his eyes and prepared himself as he heard her draw in a long breath before breaking the silence. 

“I am tired of acting like I don’t know.” 

Sand took in a shallow breath, his chest too tight to breath or talk properly. He picked up the last piece of broken glass, stood up, turned around and finally faced her.

Not knowing what to say, he did the only thing he could think of. “Let me see your hand” Sand reached out, but Summer pulled away. She didn’t care about a small cut right now. 

“Do you think I’m stupid, Sand?” 

“Of course not.” 

“Oh really!” She snapped as she caught his hand and pulled it out in front of him. “Where is your ring then? Why did you take it off when you got that sponsorship deal?! Because of him right?” She shot the dining room with a look of pure hatred. 

“No, Summer. Not because of Ray. You know I can’t wear it publicly. I’ve explained this.” Sand sounded exasperated and Summer didn’t care for his tone. She fixed him with an unbelieving glare waiting for a better excuse. “People know my face now and I have to be seen in a certain way, you know this,” he pleaded. 

“Bullshit! You proposed! We are getting married, aren’t we? Or are you planning on keeping that secret too. You are very good at keeping secrets after all.”

The sarcasm fuelled words stunned him. He had never seen Summer like this, and he didn’t know how to respond. 

 “Or?” Summer leaned forward crowding his space, “is it that you don’t want another ring hiding your precious tattoo?” 

“Summer that’s not—”

“I am not stupid, Sand. A sponsor?” She laughed almost hysterically.

 “A friend that needs help in the middle of the night. You’re just worried about work? Do you think I haven’t noticed how distracted you are? How distant you’re becoming? Not answering my calls, should I go on?!”

Sand looked away, his mind raced, she knew but how much did she know. His heart was thumping loudly in his ears, too loud for him to think clearly.  

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice the matching tattoos or figure out who he is, Sand?! Why didn't you tell me from the start, why did you try to hide it from me, unless there is something else going on, something worth hid-?” 

“No! There’s nothing!” Sand panicked and rushed his response cutting her off mid-sentence. “I just didn’t want to worry you. It’s not good for you to be worrying. Ray is in the past. I didn't want to drag it all up again. I just wanted you to be happy.” 

It was Summer’s turn to remain silent. Sand was unsure if his words were being believed. He waited anxiously for Summer to speak. 

“Do I look happy, Sand? She began sobbing into her uncut hand. 

Sand rushed to her and wrapped his arms around her. She hit him in the chest multiple times, fighting to push him away but gave up as his strong hug enveloped her. She cried into his chest and Sand held her tighter, stroking her hair with one hand to calm her. 

“You said you wouldn’t ever leave me.” She managed between sobs. “You said we are forever.” 

“I know.” Sand breathed. “and it’s still true, I’m not leaving you.” The guilt encircled his heart and strangled it. Physical pain cut across his chest making it hard to breathe. Summer was depending on him, and he couldn’t leave her, not now. “He is just here for work, I promise.” He kissed her hair to add credence to his statement. 

Summer shook her head against Sand’s chest. “He is everywhere between us.” She whispered.

“Summer –“

“Your guitar is engraved with his name, your body is marked with a tattoo that matches with him and your heart well I guess that belongs to him too… you are not over him, Sand. The way you look at him—” 

“That’s not true, Summer.” Sand shook his head, pulled her from his chest and held her at a short distance to look at her face probably. “Ray is my past; you are my future. I am here with you, and I am not leaving you. He is just my sponsor now and I need him for work, that's it.” 

Summer nodded sadly and wiped at her tears with the blood-stained cloth still held in her hand. 

“Can you ask him to leave?” Summer requested through stifled cries. “I don’t want him in our home.” 

Sand tensed at her request but tried his best to hide it. Summer noticed and fixed him with a challenging look that asked are you going to refuse me? And Sand knew he had no option but to comply with her request. Nodding, Sand collected himself to go and ask Ray to leave. 

Sand stepped from the kitchen into the sitting room just in time to witness their front door slamming behind Ray. 

Just how much had Ray heard? 

Chapter Text

🎵

Heart thumping against his chest, Sand raced down the highway. His mind was so full of the events of the last few days that he didn’t even notice that the car was beeping, warning him that he was speeding above the speed limit. 

He only had one clear thought in the jumble of conflicting, confusing, thoughts swimming around his brain. 

He needed to get there as fast as he could. 

His knuckles had turned white from holding onto the steering wheel too tightly. Tears that had welled in his eyes threatened to blur his vision. The lump that had formed in his throat was painful and hard to ignore, but he couldn’t lose it now. He just needed to get there. 

As soon as he heard the news, he had driven his motorcycle home and grabbed his car keys and some strong coffee. No way was he making his journey on his bike. He hadn’t even bothered to chang his clothes in the rush to get going, only choosing to discard his leather jacket for his brown one.. All he could think about was that the car would be too warm for leather and he had no much time to waste. He downed the coffee so quickly that he burned his mouth

He rushed to the car opened the door and jumped in. He started the car and pulled out of the parking spot without having fastened his seatbelt. It was only when the car starting alerting to the seatbelt did he notice. He fastened the seatbelt and reached for the cigarettes in his pocket. 

“Shit” he exclaimed banging his hands on the wheel. He had left them in his leather jacket at home, forgetting to check the pockets before he threw it on the chair in his haste to leave. Summer always checked his jackets and he knew he was in for some trouble now, when she realised he was smoking again she was for sure going to lecture him. 

“Screw it, I’ll deal with that later,” He stopped at the closest store and bought more. 

Since that dinner disaster, he hadn’t been able to sleep much and had been turning up at the studio exhausted every morning. Ray hadn’t come to the studio in days, and no one had been able to contact him. Sand thought Ray might at least answer a call from Nick but so far there had been nothing but silence. 

He was worried, still angry at Ray, but he couldn’t help the worry that was creeping into his heart. When Ray disappeared like this it was never good news. Sand had been sure that Ray would turn up in a day or two, massively hungover, but back to his usually cocky self. But not this time, this time something felt different. Ray would usually have posted online showing himself in some fucked up situation to make people worry but there had been nothing. Sand had been checking every hour. It was like Ray had just disappeared from the face of the earth. 

He hated to admit how distracted he was. He cursed himself,  mostly for letting Ray affect him so much but also for the way he had been way too reckless lately. He already had too much going on in his mind to worry about. But Nick had only added to his worries. A few days ago, Nick shocked him by revealing something he hadn’t expected. Something that he wasn’t careful enough to prevent or check on. Sand was grateful that the first person to enter the studio was Nick and no one else. He couldn’t believe he almost exposed himself. 

As the buildings rushed by on the highway and the caffeine added to his sense of urgency, he turned on the radio to try to focus his mind. The last thing he needed right now was to crash his car. As the music played and he felt himself calm, his brain began to work through the events and interactions of the last few days. 

They rushed through his mind like some old movie clips, one by one, shifting and jumping, torturing him with things he couldn’t change, promises he couldn’t keep and pain he couldn’t erase, giving him uneasiness in his gut. All of these memories drove him insane. Every word and every conversation was ringing in his ears loud and clear. 

Ray

“You too! You’ve never been fair, Ray. And you’re still not being fair. Disappearing for days, turning up here drunk, making me worry about you again. How is this fair?”

“I’m not doing this with you again, I’m not watching you destroy yourself and everyone around you, not again.”

Nick 

“What’s wrong, Nick? What? You are making me nervous.”

“You should be nervous!”

“What? Why?”

“Don’t act clueless. I heard everything. You should be glad I was the first one to get here this morning!”

“What the actual Fuck, Nick?”

 “Don’t act like this was my fault, I wasn’t the one doing my ex-boyfriend in the studio …. while the recording light was still on…Amateur!”

“Why did you save it to USB?! God, you could have just deleted it and said nothing.”

“I deleted that from the computer, but you never know, I thought you might want it.” 

“No Nick, you’re the only one who likes to record these things for prosperity.” 

“So, what now? Are you not going to consider giving it another shot with Ray?”

“Just drop it Nick, I don’t wanna talk about it anymore.”

“You know, Sand, sometimes, following your heart is more important than following your head.”

“Listen carefully Nick.  I. Am.  Not. Leaving. Summer!” 

“God Sand, you do like to torture yourself don’t you”

“Shut up, it's not like you are any better.” 

Ray 

“I’m a mess without you Sand.”

“And you were a mess with me”

“I can stop, I will stop. I’ll do anything you ask. Please let’s talk and sort all this out.”

Summer 

“You proposed! We are getting married, aren’t we? Or are you planning on keeping that secret too. You are very good at keeping secrets after all.”

Ray

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” 

“Look what you've done, are you fucking happy now!” 

“Enough, Ray. That’s Enough!” 

Nick

 “I managed to talk to Mew, Ray isn’t coming for the next few days.” 

“What’s his excuse this time.”

“Apparently, he got a call the night he went to your apartment, his old housekeeper had a heart attack and died. He left to organise the funeral, something about her not having any family, Mew wasn’t too clear on the details.”

“Wait, Nick stop, who died? What was her name?!”

“Something beginning with H I think, I can’t really remember, why is it so important?!”

“Aunt Hwang?! Nick was it Aunt Hwang?!”

“That sounds right actually, why did you know her?”

“Fuck, I need to go”

“What?! Go where?! Sand! Sand! Do you even know where you’re going?!”

Aunt Hwang

“This is Sand, Aunt Hwang, my boyfriend.”

“I like you, Sand, thank you for making my Ray smile again. He’s been sad for too long.”

“Aunt Hwang!”

“Ray shush, indulge an old woman.”

 “You’re embarrassing me!”

“Sand, please take care of my boy. His heart is fragile and deserves a love that will keep him strong. I hope you can give him this love.”

“Aunt Hwang, you have already given me this love.”

“And I hope you get more and more, my boy.”

Summer 

“He is everywhere between us.”

“Your guitar is engraved with his name, your body is marked with a tattoo that matches with him and your heart well I guess that belongs to him too… you are not over him, Sand.” 

“That’s not true, Summer.”

“Ray is my past; you are my future. I am here with you, and I am not leaving you. He is just my sponsor now and I need him for work, that's it.”

Ray 

“Please! Let’s talk, Sand, wait please, this isn’t what I came here for!”

Mew 

“How could you let him go alone Mew!”

“He wouldn’t let anyone go Sand! I tried I packed a bag and everything, but he insisted he wanted to do this alone.”

“You shouldn’t have let him go, its Aunt Hwang Mew, for fuck’s sake.”

“And where were you Sand, you didn’t even know or care where he was until Nick told you!”

Ray 

“I didn’t mean to…I – Don’t go, please.”

Aunt Hwang 

“Ray, promise me, if anything happens, please give me a nice funeral in my hometown. I wish to rest beside the sea.”

“Stop being dramatic Aunt Hwang, you’re not going anywhere!”

“Ray, please, I want to be sure that I will be taken care of.”

“Okay, okay, I promise, now stop talking like this, I refuse to lose you anytime soon.”

“And Sand, promise me if anything happens that you will be there to take care of my Ray”

“I promise Aunt Hwang”

“I knew I liked you, my boy always did have good taste”

“Sand, did you know Aunt Hwang’s name means hope and now I’m sure you can see why, she’s an eternal optimist!”

“Well then, I wish that Ray never loses you, Hope.”

~~

Just stay strong until I reach you Ray.

Sand finally pulled up alongside the temple that was hosting the funeral. The sky had already darkened, and he was scared that he might have missed Ray. If Ray had already departed, there would be no way to find him. Ray was not answering calls or messages from anyone. Sand had tried for hours to reach him with no response, and he had no idea where Ray would be staying.  

As he climbed out of the car and looked around, something tore in Sand’s heart as he noted the low attendance of the funeral. It looked like hardly anyone had turned up.  Glancing around, all he could see was Ray’s car and only a couple of other cars probably from her extended family. Aunt Hwang had dedicated her whole life to serving others, she had stayed with Ray’s family the longest. It was so sad to see that only a handful of people had recognised her sacrifice and made the effort to attend the funeral. She deserved better. 

With a heavy heart, Sand carried his feet inside. The temple was huge. There were a lot of chairs laid out but siting empty. Aunt’s Hwang photo was placed in front of the alter surrounded by a beautiful display of her favourite flowers. Sand remembered her mentioning these flowers once as she had prepared lunch for him and Ray. 

“I love orchids” she smiled, smelling the bouquet as she placed it in the vase. “I wanted to have them as my wedding flowers, but I think I’m too old for that now”, she had laughed. “Maybe when you two get married you could have orchids in my honour”, she nudged Ray playfully and had Ray roll his eyes as he looked to Sand, “She never misses an opportunity”. Laughter had filled the kitchen. 

Sand was surprised and not surprised that Ray had remembered this detail. 

His eyes wandered around the temple, he noted a table full of expensive bottles of water and a lavish display of food. Ray has spared no expenses in honouring the woman that meant so much to him. Most of the food had been left untouched, but the monks would make sure it would not go to waste. 

Among the limited visitors, Sand easily spotted Ray. He was sitting at the front of the temple facing Aunt Hwang's photo. Alone. His father nowhere to be found, typical. He always left Ray to face situations like this alone. First, his mother’s death,  but at least Aunt Hwang had been there, but now there was no one to offer him comfort, help him through the devastation. 

Ray was wearing a black t-shirt and black jeans, head tilted down in defeat and grief. His hands folded on his lap as he did his best to hold himself together. Seeing him like this, Sand knew he would never regret his decision to come. If Summer found out then so be it, he would deal with the drama as it came but right now all that mattered was making sure Ray survived. 

Ray finally glanced up; his attention drawn by the sudden appearance of someone standing beside him. Their eyes met and his face immediately crumbled. The boy that had been pretending to be strong, pretending to be coping, pretending that he wanted to do this on his own, suddenly found it impossible to breathe as the lump formed at the back of his throat. Sand was here, he wasn’t alone anymore. 

Ray stayed where he was as Sand moved quietly to sit beside him.  Sand didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what to say. He had practised in the car but in this moment all appropriate words deserted him. Aunt Hwang may have just been an employee to Ray’s father, but to Ray she was so much more. How do you comfort someone who is burying their mother for a second time. 

All Sand could think to do was place his hand over Ray’s and give it a reassuring gentle squeeze as they both looked ahead at the image of Aunt Hwang, her smiling face watching over them as it always had.  The simple gesture was enough to dissolve Ray’s determination not to break down as he began to cry softly. 

The pressure of organising and attending the funeral of the motherly figure who was so dear to his heart had been too much to handle. Ray had done his best to maintain his composure, until now.  

Sand gently raised his arm and wrapped it around Ray’s shoulder, before pulling Ray’s fragile frame into him. The cold feeling that had been filling Ray’s heart was blocked for a moment by the warmth of Sand’s body, the rhythmic beating of Sand’s heart calming him like a baby held against its mother’s chest. The faint scent of wood and cigarettes emitting from Sand offered him the comfort that he had craved these last few days. He easily gave in, and he allowed himself to embrace it. 

Sand let Ray weep into him as he gently stroked his hair. He allowed Ray to continue to wet his shirt with tears until a monk gave Sand a silent signal that he should probably take Ray home for the evening. Sand gently moved Ray away from his chest and made him sit back against the chair. He handed Ray a bottle of water that had been at his feet on the floor,  but Ray simply shook his head in silent response, his red eyes downcast. 

“Ray please, you look like you haven’t eaten or drank in days, you need to look after yourself or at least let me look after you.” Sand offered the bottle of water again.  Ray took the bottle and satisfied Sand with a small sip before placing the bottle on the chair next to him. 

Sand didn’t prepare himself for the effect seeing Ray in this state, soulless and broken, would have on him.  Ray looked like an empty vessel that could break at any minute and Sand’s heart was breaking alongside him. 

“Where are you staying, I’ll take you there?” Sand gently asked. It was just them left in the temple now and Ray was in no condition to drive. 

Ray didn’t respond, but Sand noticed his phone case on the chair, a hotel key card peeking out of the card slot. Sand picked it up, Ray didn’t stop him. Sand was grateful the card holder contained the exact address of the hotel as Ray’s ability to speak had been robbed by overwhelming emotion. 

Sand had walked Ray to his car and helped him inside. Weakness and tiredness took over Ray. Sand watched him struggle to pull his seat belt and buckle it up, so Sand reached across and fastened it for him. 

He paused close to Ray. He could feel Ray’s warm breath against his cheeks as he met his eyes that were filled with exhaustion and sadness. When Ray lowered his eyes, turning his head to face the window, Sand slid back into the driver’s seat and drove them away from the temple. 

It didn’t take them more than ten minutes to reach the hotel. It was close to the beach. Ray hadn’t said a word the entire car journey, instead chose to look out the window as the nightscape gently passed by. 

When they arrived at the hotel, Ray remained still in the passenger seat rather than trying to leave the car. Sand looked at him, clearly exhausted, noticing how Ray was finding it hard to move. Getting out and walking around to the passenger side, Sand quietly opened the door. Once again, he reached across and opened Ray’s seatbelt and helped him out of the car. Ray looked so tired and weak that Sand didn’t trust him to stand on his own feet. Sand placed a protective arm around Ray’s waist and guided him inside to the reception desk of the hotel. 

“I’m sorry we have no other rooms available; the whole town is booked out. There is a music festival happening this weekend and we have been booked out for months. We only managed to accommodate your friend from a last-minute cancellation, but it’s only a single room I’m afraid.” The receptionist said, when Sand asked her about any available room beside Ray’s. She looked anxious that she couldn’t do more to help. Sand sighed. 

Looks like he would be spending the night in his car. 

“But your friend does have a couch in his room,” She continued, noticing the uneasiness on Sand’s face. “Maybe he would allow you to stay with him.” The kind woman asked hopefully looking at Ray who seemed completely disconnected from the conversation. 

“Ray, is that okay?” Sand bent his head down lightly to engage eye contact with Ray. 

Ray nodded once. 

On the walk to the hotel room, Sand supported Ray with a tight arm around him making sure he didn’t stumble on the way. They reached the room and Sand used the key card to open the door and lead them both inside. Sand guided Ray to the bed and sat him on the edge before kneeling in front of Ray and carefully removing his shoes. The moment his shoes were off Ray lay down on the bed still in his clothes, no energy to remove them or care. 

Sand took a small blanket lying at the foot of the bed and gently placed it over him. Ray closed his eyes and looked to be heading for sleep. Sand watched him for a few more seconds, he looked so small, childlike almost, as he curled himself tight on the single bed. Sand had never seen him so broken and isolated before. He was at a loss as to how to help other than just be here. He gently stroked the hair away from Ray’s eyes before turning to the small light on the nightstand and switching it off. 

“Goodnight, Ray.” 

 Sand kicked off his own shoes and headed for the couch across the dark room. He needed rest. The drive had been nine hours straight and he was exhausted. He needed to be strong for Ray.  Sand had never been more thankful to sleep on a couch, normally he hated it, his height making it difficult to get comfortable but tonight he was grateful. Grateful that he didn’t have to sleep in his car and grateful that he did not have to leave Ray. 

Sand emptied his pockets quietly onto the floor and saw the notifications light up once again on his phone.  

— Where are you Sand? Why are you not answering my calls?

He looked at all the unanswered notifications, ignored them all just like he had done all day and proceeded to turn his phone off.

Once he was sure that Ray was asleep, Sand fell into a light sleep. 

A couple of hours passed before being awoken. Sand could hear a faint noise coming from the bed but didn’t identify what it was straight away, his head still foggy from sleep. After a few moments he realised that Ray was crying softly to himself. 

Sand listened to him for a few seconds unsure what to do. He hesitated in the dark until he couldn’t take any more. He sat up and without saying a word walked the few steps across the room to the bed. He slid in behind Ray, wrapped a comforting arm around his chest and pulled the crying body tight to his. Neither spoke, there was nothing to be said.

Sand held Ray while he mourned for his loss, until eventually he cried himself into a restless sleep. Not wanting to risk disturbing Ray, Sand sighed and resigned himself to sleeping beside his ex for the rest of the night. He needed Ray to rest, tomorrow was going to be another hard day. Sand eventually closed his eyes and let sleep overtake him. 

Chapter Text

🎵

Sand woke the next morning to find himself still holding Ray tight in his arms. He couldn’t tell if Ray was still asleep or just refusing to move, but looking at the clock on the wall he knew they would have to leave soon. There wasn’t much time until they needed to be back at the temple.

Sand carefully peeled himself away from Ray and sat up on the side of the bed. He stretched his aching back. He knew Ray must have been desperate for a room to have agreed to stay here it was not at all up to his usual standard. But Sand knew that Aunt Hwang meant more to Ray than his own comfort ever would. 

Sand looked over his shoulder and Ray had not stirred. 

“Ray…Ray we need to leave soon” Sand gently called. 

“Are you really here?” Ray said in a weak voice, stirring in the bed to be able to look at Sand. He wanted to confirm with his own eyes that he wasn’t dreaming.

“Yes, Ray, I’m here, I came as soon as I heard.” Sand paused, biting down on his lower lip. “Why didn’t you call me Ray, you shouldn’t have had to deal with this alone, not when it was Aunt Hwang, I would have come sooner, I would have been here.” The honesty in Sand's voice was clear but Ray didn’t have the energy to try and figure out Sand’s true feelings right now. 

“I’ve caused you enough trouble” Ray replied sadly, looking away. 

Without giving Sand a chance to respond, Ray stood up from the bed, walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Sand was left wondering again how much Ray had heard from his fight with Summer. Sand had thought he had heard it all, but when Nick told him he had received the phone call about Aunt Hwang on the same night he wasn’t so sure which event had caused him to leave abruptly. 

Sand practically forced breakfast into Ray, eventually managing to negotiate half a cup of coffee and some toast. When they were ready to leave, Sand led the way to his car and gestured for Ray to get in. The car journey back to the temple was another silent affair. Sand kept glancing at Ray from time to time, checking on him. Ray was too lost in his own thoughts to make any conversation. 

They arrived at the temple to the same poor turn out as the day before.  

Ray chose to sit in the front row again and Sand sat beside him. The funeral proceeded as normal and whenever Sand stole a glance at Ray, he could see the effort Ray was putting in to remain composed. When it came time a monk invited Ray to stand and offer some words about Aunt Hwang. 

Ray approached the microphone set up next to her picture and took a moment to look at it closely. It was the first time Sand had seen a glimmer of fondness over the sadness. 

“Aunt Hwang worked for my family for many years until her retirement. She was a constant presence in my life since my memories began. She wasn’t just my housekeeper, she was my friend, my protector, my advisor, my confidant, everything a young child who had lost their mother could need. She treated me like her own son, and I can never thank her enough for the love, compassion and kindness she showed me.  And not just to me, anyone who crossed her path received the same level of kindness regardless of their situation. 

I have not always made the best choices, but she was never judgemental but instead encouraged me to find the right path no matter how many times I strayed. Her patience was truly endless, I’m not sure how she did it. 

Her patience was matched only by her sense of humour. I remember one time I was introducing her to my new partner and rather than being shy she said, “finally we meet face to face, I have seen you sneaking in and out multiple times, next time, just ring the door and I will open it for you.”

Sand smiled as he remembered this moment of meeting Aunt Hwang for the first time. Her comments had made him blush and apologise. It was the first but not the last time that he had to apologise to Aunt Hwang “I am sorry, I will use the door next time.”  She had chuckled at his embarrassment, and it had reminded him of his own grandmother, warm, kind and friendly.  Sand had liked her immediately.

“Aunt Hwang wanted to rest beside the sea, she had made me promise.  I think this is the first promise I have managed to keep in my life, and I hope she will be proud. Thank you, Aunt Hwang, for everything you did for me and gave to me. I will miss you.” 

The tears began to fall as Ray stepped down from the alter. Sand immediately stood up and wrapped his arms around him. 

The funeral came to its conclusion and the monks confirmed that Ray would be able to pick up Aunt Hwang’s ashes the next day. Ray thanked them for all their help and remained seated quietly for another few minutes. 

The temple emptied and it was just Ray and Sand in the silence again. Sand patiently waited for Ray to speak, move, cough, anything. He didn’t want to be the one to rush Ray to leave. 

 “What should I do now? Ray finally asked, breaking the silence. Sand angled his body towards Ray, giving him his full attention as Ray continued, “She’s gone. She’s left me. Everyone I love has left me. What am I supposed to do now?”

Ray drew in a short breath as he continued to stare at the smiling photo of Aunt Hwang.

“I’m truly alone now.” The words came out as barely a whisper. 

“You’re not alone Ray, I’m here.” Sand whispered as he rubbed Ray’s back. “I’m here, I won’t leave you alone.”

“I’m here.” Sand’s comforting words sounded honest, and Ray wanted to believe him, but how much trust could you place in words offered at a time of desperate need. 

Ray turned sideways and looked at him. For the first time in so long he found the Sand he had fallen in love with. The one who promised to stay by his side and help him get through anything. 

Sand’s eyes were gentle and kind as he raised his hand and softly cupped Ray’s jaw, his thumb caressed circles on his cheeks as Ray examined his face, too scared to look away or close his eyes. 

Scared that if he did, this version of Sand would disappear and the Sand who hated him would return.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Sand reassured again as if he had read Ray's thoughts. His hand was still on Ray’s cheek. Their eyes remained locked and neither wanted to speak, lost in the moment. 

“You did well today, she would be proud Ray.” 

Sand leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to Ray’s forehead. It was an automatic response to seeing Ray so upset and it took them both by surprise. Sand pulled away awkwardly, clearing his throat and Ray looked away quickly to hide his confusion and the blush creeping up his cheeks.

“I’ll take you back to the hotel.” Sand stood up quickly and offered his hand to Ray. Ray didn’t take it, preferring to stand up on his own. His mind was too tired to try and understand Sand’s actions. 

Back at the hotel, Sand insisted Ray got some more rest. Ray protested that he was okay but was quickly overtaken by sleep once he lay down on the small bed. Sand sat on the couch watching him sleep. At least he looked more peaceful than he had yesterday. The exhaustion that overtook made him sleep soundlessly like a baby. 

Sand took the time to look at his phone. More messages and missed calls from Summer. He had left her a voicemail when he found out about Aunt Hwang.  He had lied that he was away on a last-minute promotion, but he knew she probably wouldn’t believe it, but in this instance he didn’t care. Whatever had gone on or is going on between him and Ray, Aunt Hwang had been always been good to Ray, good to him and he needed to pay his respects. 

Summer wouldn’t understand. He knew she wouldn’t. Their relationship had been strained since the dinner. She would never believe that he was traveling across the country to be there for Ray as a friend only. 

Her insecurities had begun to overtake their every conversation. Where he went, who was there, where was Ray. The questions were endless and although Sand hated to admit it, the funeral had come at the right time, he needed some time away. 

Judging by the relentless stream of messages and missed calls, he had been right, Summer didn’t believe him, but he still didn’t have the energy to deal with her right now. 

Ray needed him now; Summer and that fight could wait. He put his phone away again without responding to any messages. 

~~

Sand noted that Ray hadn’t showered last night or this morning, he hadn’t either, but he would worry about that after taking care of Ray. Sand wondered if a bath would help Ray unwind, it always had done before so why not now. He decided it was a good idea would help him relax after the stressful day. 

Sand crept across to the bathroom and shut the door. He examined the bath. Once again not up to Ray’s usual standards but it would have to do. Sand opened the only cabinet and surprisingly found some bubble bath. At least this would help, make it feel a bit more like home. 

He ran the bath and tested the water until he knew that it was just how Ray liked it. Sand checked the time, he would need to wake Ray up now. 

“Ray, wake up its late”

“No, leave me” Ray murmured in his sleep, pulling the cover over his head. 

“Come on,” Sand tried to pull the cover off his head but Ray’s grip was firm, refusing to let go of his sheild. Sand sighed, as he sat on the edge of the bed beside Ray’s small frame. He placed a hand over what he assumed was his shoulder. “I’ve ran you a bath, it will help you feel better. Come on, Ray.”

Ray was surprised but tried to hide it. Sand felt Ray’s grip on the cover loosen as he let go. A small smile stretched over on Sand’s lips. He removed the cover from over Ray’s head and pulled him up by the arm before pushing him towards the bathroom. 

“Go bathe, you smell” Ray turned around to argue but Sand was standing behind him with arms crossed. Ray found it cute. It reminded him of the old times. Whenever Sand insisted, he did something against his will, this was the exact stance he would take. Ray had often teased Sand purposely to get this reaction out of him. 

“Okay, fine, but I don’t need a third mother Sand” he sarcastically responded, earning an eye roll from Sand.

Ray closed the door behind him and looked at the bath. He sat down on the edge of the tub and placed a hand in the water. Perfect, as always. Ray contemplated getting in but it had been so long it caused him to hesitate.  

Ray heard a small knock on the door before Sand opened the door slightly, peeking his head inside. 

“What do you want for dinner? Should I order for -. What’s wrong, why aren’t you getting in, is it too hot?”

“I am fine, it's nothing,” Ray replied, shaking his head. 

“Ray what is it, tell me” Sand walked over to where Ray was perched on the edge and kneeled down to eye level.  

“Eh fine, it’s just that I haven’t taken a bath since you left, I found it too painful. It's where we would go together to relax and suddenly, I was on my own. It didn't feel right, happy now!” Ray groaned, pouting his lips as he wiped off a tear that involuntarily found its way down his right cheek. 

 “Oh, I didn’t know, I’m sorry.” Sand paused before his next suggestion, “Do you want to take a bath together now, would that help?” 

Ray’s eyes widened in surprise. He was processing Sand’s request. 

“But what about Summer? If she found out Sand, she might murder me and I am not trying to die.. anymore!”  

Sand smiled; it was the first joke Ray had attempted in days.   “Well, I won’t tell, if you don’t. Just this once.” 

Sand didn’t give Ray anytime to refuse his offer as he began taking off his t-shirt and then his jeans. Ray looked away. He didn’t know what had gotten into him. It’s not like he hadn’t seen Sand naked before but something about this felt different. 

Sand climbed into the bath and gestured for Ray to join him. Ray undressed and carefully slid in after him.  Sand sat behind Ray, one leg on either side, engulfing Ray’s body with his. His arms rested on the sides of the bath and Ray found himself instinctively leaning back against Sand’s chest, listening to his heart beating steadily in his chest. This was exactly what he needed after the past few days. Ray found himself getting emotional as they lay together,  this is the way it should always be. Ray tried to stop the tears that were starting to form but an unfortunate sniff gave him away. 

“You can cry if you want.” Sand said, running his hand along Ray’s arm until he reached his hand and intertwined their fingers.

“It's okay to be weak Ray, at least with me.” 

And Ray did cry.  

He cried for Sand. 

He cried for Aunt Hwang.  

He cried for all the things he had messed up. 

And he cried because this would be the last night they would ever spend together. 

Ray stayed in the bath until it was cold, and Sand forced them to get out. Sand got out first and as Ray climbed out Sand wrapped a big towel around him and led him back to the bed. He rummaged through Ray’s luggage until he found a small hair dryer. It had been a long time since anyone had looked after Ray like this and not knowing when it would happen again. He allowed himself to enjoy it without argument. Sand ran his fingers through Ray’s hair as he dried it and Ray could feel the goosebumps rising. 

He watched as Sand found himself and Ray some clean clothes from Ray’s bag and helped him dress. Sand looked cute wearing a set of his pyjamas once again, always too short for his tall frame but Sand had never cared. 

Sand insisted on ordering them some dinner from a local take out, the menu conveniently left in a drawer. Ray didn’t feel very hungry, but he wouldn’t argue with Sand, not when his intentions were so pure.  

When dinner eventually arrived, they threw some pillows on the floor and sat across from each other. Sand laid out the dishes and plates in front of them and carefully placed some of Ray’s favourite items on the plate in front of him. Upon seeing the food, Ray’s body seemed to remember that a stomach existed. He was instantly starving and gratefully took his food and began eating. 

The pair didn’t say anything for the first couple of minutes as they concentrated on filling their empty bellies. That was until Sand nudged Ray’s knee with his. 

“Ray, do you remember when we first moved into the apartment, and we had to eat dinner like this for a month until you found the “perfect” table.”

“Aesthetics are important Sand. You just didn’t understand,” Ray’s face was smug in his own defensive, all Sand could do was smile and shake his head fondly. 

When dinner ended, Sand tidied up as Ray watched from the comfort of the bed. Sand returned from putting the bags outside in the trash and sat down on the bed beside Ray. He could see Ray was exhausted.  Ray leaned his head on Sand’s shoulder and Sand wrapped a strong arm around him. They stayed like this for a few minutes until Ray’s eyelids became heavy once more. 

“Come on Ray, let’s sleep it’s been a really long day, and we need to drive back tomorrow.”

Ray lay down to sleep and as much as Sand wanted to lie down beside him, he decided he had crossed to many lines for one day. He wasn’t sure what had overcome him today, if it was genuine affection for Ray or the need to comfort a friend. Whatever it was he needed to be careful.  He made up his mind and headed to the sofa. He lay down and decided not to check his phone he already knew what would be waiting for him and he couldn’t face it. Tonight, he wanted peace and rest. 

Unfortunately, he got neither. 

Sand was woken up by the sound of Ray moaning in his sleep. Sand rolled off the sofa and went to check on him. Ray’s whole body was shivering, sweat was soaking through his shirt. Placing a hand on Ray’s forehead, Sand could feel the unusual heat emitting from Ray’s body. 

“See, Ray, this is what happens when you don’t take care of yourself” Sand sighed as he spoke to the unresponsive patient.

 He checked Ray’s bag again, usually he would have some medication with him but not this time, he must have rushed his packing and forgotten it.  He quickly ran downstairs to the reception and asked if they had a thermometer and fever medicine. Luckily, they had some on hand and gladly handed them over. 

When Sand returned, Ray was on his side, clenching the blanket tight, with his legs pulled up to his chest. The sweat was clinging to his forehead and his face was screwed up in pain. 

“Ray…” Sand called him gently but still got no response. He placed the thermometer in his ear, it read 39.3 degrees. 

“Shit” 

Sand rushed to the bathroom and got a bowl filled with some cool water and a washcloth. He sat beside Ray and carefully wiped his forehead, arms, hands and chest trying to cool him down. It took nearly an hour before Ray woke up enough to be able to take the medicine but quickly fell back into a restless sleep. Sand wet the cloth once more and laid it to rest on Ray’s head before sliding down on the ground beside him. 

Sand stayed the whole night sitting on the floor beside the bed, his head resting on the side of the mattress, watching Ray sleep, wetting and changing the washcloth on his forehead and rechecking his temperature every hour.  

It was almost dawn before Ray stopped shivering and his temperature returned to normal. A sigh of relief escaped Sand’s mouth as he looked at Ray’s fragile body finally resting comfortably. 

He gently caressed Ray’s cheek and  whispered, “How have you survived this long?” 

Chapter Text

🎵

The morning sun beamed in through the small window, casting its light on Sand’s face, annoying him until he woke up. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Sand felt the pain shoot through his stiff back. He pushed himself away from the edge, blinking repeatedly as his eyes adjusted to the sunlight. He ran a hand across his face as he took in his surroundings. He was sitting on the floor, legs bent uncomfortably underneath him. His back was aching, his neck was stiff, and his right arm was numb from having supported his heavy head as it rested on the bed.  

He was in desperate need of a good massage right now. 

Stretching and groaning through the pain and lack of sleep, reality hit him that he had spent the whole night on the floor while taking care of Ray. He must have fallen asleep without realizing it. 

Suddenly remembering that Ray had been sick he quickly looked to the bed, but it was empty. Shit where is he?!   Gathering his strength, Sand forced himself to stand. A soft blanket fell from his shoulders to the floor. Sand picked it up, confused, he hadn’t had a blanket last night. Ray.  

Sand scanned the room before spotting the solitary figure sitting outside on the tiny balcony. The balcony faced towards the sea and Ray sat on a chair, taking in the scene, his feet pulled up on the chair, his chin resting on his knees. The gentle wind tossed his usually perfectly styled hair, but he didn’t care. Ray continued to sit in silence not noticing Sand watching him from inside the room. 

Placing the blanket on the bed, Sand quietly walked out to the balcony. From behind he reached around and placed a hand on Ray’s forehead. Ray flinched at the sudden touch that broke him out of his thoughts and turned to look up at Sand. 

“No fever.” Sand grinned. Out of habit, he walked around in front of Ray, bent down and cupped Ray’s cheeks with his warm hands. He turned Ray’s head gently left and right, his eyes searching  for any signs of remaining sickness. “How do you feel?” 

Ray smiled; he had missed Sand showing him this kind of affection. “Much better thanks to a certain someone.” Sand smiled before removing his hands but couldn’t resist ruffling Ray’s hair. “Good” Sand said happily as he pulled up another chair to sit beside Ray. 

Ray looked at Sand and could see, despite his happy mood, that there were dark circles under his eyes. “You didn’t get enough sleep though. You should sleep more, take the bed. I can go alone this morning.” 

“I’m fine. Don’t worry and you’re not going alone! I’m not having Aunt Hwang haunting me for abandoning you at this stage.” 

Ray huffed at the joke, “She would.”

“But you should at least take your nurse for a nice coffee, I deserve it.” Sand pouted at Ray before allowing the smile to creep back across his face. 

Ray looked back to the ocean shaking his head fondly, before looking back to Sand “Fine, I suppose I owe you.”

The pair walked to the little coffee shop around the corner from the hotel. Ray was reminded of the last time they had walked for coffee, the mood was definitely different then, tense, quiet. Sand was dragging him there to sober up before another lecture about his drinking. But now, as Sand walked beside him chatting away about the ocean to fill the silence, Ray was happy to replace the old memory with this one. 

They ordered inside the coffee shop but choose to sit outside so they could smoke in the open air. They lit up their cigarettes as they waited, the sound of the waves gently crashing behind them creating a calm atmosphere. Their coffee was delivered to them quickly, and Sand gratefully began drinking his. Mid sip, he looked to Ray who seemed lost in his own thoughts once more. 

“You’ve gone quiet again.”

“I’m okay, I’m just thinking about today. It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you loved so much. I’ve done it so many times so you would think it would be easier by now.” Ray looked directly at Sand and the double meaning wasn’t lost on him. Sand didn’t reply but he didn’t look away either. Their eyes remained locked until Sand looked like he was going to say something. 

“You guys okay with everything?” the friendly waiter interrupted as she walked by their table. 

The moment lost, Ray cleared his throat, “Yes, thanks, this coffee is some of the best I’ve had.”

As the waiter left, Ray drifted back inside his own thoughts not looking up from his coffee. 

“We should go shopping.” Sand announced causing Ray to snap his head up confused. “What?”

“I’ve been in the same clothes for over two days now. Aunt Hwang would not approve. And we have some time to waste. C’mon you love shopping, consider it free therapy.” Sand joked. 

Ray laughed at the unseriousness of Sand and agreed to hit the local market. They finished their coffee, the atmosphere was once again less tense. 

In the good times, shopping had been one of their favourite hobbies. Both had loved strolling through the streets, discovering new items of interest. Sand liked to hunt for authentic t-shirts from his favourite bands. Ray liked to look for one-of-a-kind pieces to add to his already extensive wardrobe. 

They soon reached the shopping area and Ray pretended to be annoyed as Sand excitedly pulled him into a small shop containing a full rack of T-shirts, that were just his style. 

“Look Ray!” Sand exclaimed in excitement. Ray yelped when Sand dragged him closer to the rack. Sand picked up a grey T-shirt that had a Fleetwood Mac album printed on it and placed it in front of his chest. “Do you remember how we looked for this one everywhere? Can you believe we finally found it here of all places.”

Ray’s smile widened as Sand turned to have a look at himself in the long mirror. The smile never leaving his face. It was nice to see Sand smiling again and being himself. Ray caught a sudden feeling of guilt that maybe he had been the one to steal that smile away from him.

“You should get it.” Ray said, meeting Sand’s eyes through the mirror as he approached him slowly from behind. He reached around Sand and pulled the hem straight, “It looks good on you.” 

“Well then you should get this one.” Sand turned to reach for a t-shirt right behind Ray, but Sand misjudged how close Ray had been standing and he stumbled into him. The pair almost fell but the wall behind Ray luckily broke their fall. Sand grabbed Ray as they fell and now one hand rested on Ray’s hip, while the other hand rested on the wall having been used it to brace himself against the fall. 

Ray looked up and found Sand staring down at him. Their bodies were close, too close.  Faces, lips mere inches from each other. Their eyes locked on each other, and the noise of the market drifting away. All that was left was them. Rising heart rates. Heat rushing to body parts. Breathing shallow, quick. No one moved, no one dared. Stuck in the moment, completely forgetting where they were, what they were doing. The only focus; each other. 

*Crash* 

Like opposing ends of a magnet, they jumped apart at the sudden noise. 

Sand quickly rushed over to help the customer that had walked into a clothing rack and knocked it over. Ray didn’t move, he needed a moment to compose himself. When the commotion had died down, Sand returned to Ray, and they did their best to ignore what had just happened. 

“So, eh this t-shirt?” Ray asked acting as normal as he could manage, grabbing a t-shirt from the rack and placing it in front of his body. 

Clearing his throat, Sand nodded. “Yeah, that one I think it will look good on you.” 

They carried on shopping, selecting some other items for Sand, neither of them saying anything about that moment. Having secured Sand some changes of clothes they headed to the counter. 

“Are you both a couple?” The cashier asked as he was placing their purchases in a bag. Ray and Sand glanced awkwardly at each other before shaking their heads. “What a shame, you look good together.” 

“Tried before and let me tell you it doesn’t end well.” Sand forced a smile as he attempted to lighten the moment. 

The cashier frowned, as he rang up the price. Ray handed over his credit card before Sand could argue. “And yet you look at each other like you couldn’t live a day apart. I remember when I broke up with my beloved wife once,” he glanced at the woman sorting clothes beside him, who responded with a fond eye roll, “I was so miserable that the next time I saw her, even though she was on a date with someone else, I dropped to my knees and proposed.” The woman giggled at the memory and nodded to confirm that it was true. “And as you can see, here I am today, happier than I could have ever hoped for.” He looked to his wife again and blew her a kiss that she playfully batted away. 

Ray lowered his head as he shook it dramatically, “I’m not sure that tactic would work for us, unfortunately one of us has already proposed but to someone else.” His tone was overly sad on purpose. Sand couldn’t help but laugh and gently punch Ray in the ribs. Ray continued with the fake dramatics, “maybe in another life I will treat him better and he will not leave me.” He glanced up at Sand and gave him a small smile for effect, but it was tinged with the unspoken truth. 

“You got this young man, don’t give up.” The cashier cheered Ray on as he handed them the bag of clothes. “You can still win him over.” 

“Ignore him,” the man’s wife interrupted, “He’s a hopeless romantic, who watches too many drama series.” She turned to her husband, “Stop annoying the customers, look at them, they are clearly better off being friends, they are happy like this.” The woman shooed them out of the small shop, “Go enjoy your day without the ramblings of an old fool.” 

“Keep fighting.” The man shouted after them a final time. 

As they walked out of the store, they both burst into laughter, shaking their heads in disbelief at all that had taken place in the last five minutes. At least the man’s comments had defused the awkwardness that had crept in. When they eventually recovered, Sand glanced at his watch and showed it to Ray. 

 “We should go, it’s time to say goodbye.” Ray nodded and took a deep breath. Sand was right. It was time. 

~

The sea was calm.  

 “She wanted her ashes spread here. She told me that she spent most of her childhood swimming here  and it had always been her favourite place.”

Ray sighed as he spoke standing at the edge of the boat and looking over at the ripples lapping against the side. Sand stood beside him, an arm around his shoulder, steading Ray against the gently rocking of the boat. Ray held the Jar close to his heart, hugging it tight, not ready to let go.  

Sensing the hesitation, Sand moved slightly more behind Ray, his arm still draped over Ray’s shoulder but the other he now wrapped around Ray’s body, his hand placed on the top of Ray’s, helping to hold the jar tight.  

Ray glanced back at Sand who gave him a reassuring look. 

“It’s okay Ray, she will be happy here, you can let her rest.” 

Ray closed him eyes. He had missed Sand’s reassuring words; he always had a way with explaining things that helped calmed him. Probably why his songs are so popular with so many people , Ray concluded.  

The moment felt like a dream. If he just kept his eyes closed, he could pretend that nothing bad had happened. He hadn’t messed anything up. Sand was still in love with him. The breakup never happened. Sand had never met Summer. Aunt Hwang was still alive, at home and waiting for them to visit. 

A sigh escaped as a wave rocked the boat and reality drew him back.

“Ray” Sand encouraged. Ray nodded sadly. He looked down and slowly opened the jar. He bent down and with Sand’s hand softly rubbing his back, carefully poured over Aunt’s Hwang ashes into the welcoming waves. 

“I hope your soul finds its way, goodbye Hope.” 

“She was a strong woman; she will find her peace.” Sand said, earning Ray’s attention. They settled down on the boat and watched as the ashes floated atop the clear water. “I’ll miss her food. It was always delicious.  My Mom could never cook that well.” Sand said fondly. 

“I loved your mom’s cooking.” Ray said in a small protest, a smile forming at the corner of his lips. “She always made my favourite dish whenever I came over.”

“She always loved you more.” Sand said, frowning. Ray chuckled as Sand continued. “I guess you were her favourite.” 

“Oh god, I miss your mom.” Ray exclaimed suddenly without realizing and the air between them thickened again. Gulping hard, Ray’s eyes turned to meet Sand’s eyes. To his surprise, Sand didn’t look away. He held him in place, staring directly as if searching his soul. Feeling as though his most inner thoughts were being exposed, the heat rushed to Ray’s cheeks reddening them before he cleared his throat and looked away. “I hope she is okay. I’d love to see her again someday.” 

“You can visit her if you want.” 

“I can?!” Ray’s eyes widened as he looked at Sand. “She doesn’t hate me?” 

“No one hates you, Ray.” Sand’s words sent shivers down Ray’s spine. Sand’s gaze was intense, igniting emotions that Ray was sure he wasn’t allowed to feel anymore. 

“Thank you for saying that.” Ray said before falling silent. He looked out to the deep blue water, its surface sparkling as the sun hit. Beyond the horizon, there was nothingness, just the sky melting into the sea water, diffused into the most perfect picture, Ray could look at it forever. 

“I don’t want to end up like her.” Ray’s hand gestured to the ocean. 

Ray felt Sand’s attention shifting back to him. Sand shifted in his seat his full focus now on Ray waiting for him to continue, wanting him to get out the words he had held back for so long. 

“I am grateful she devoted her life to raising me, but… look at her. She died alone, no family, no friends, no one to mourn her. I’m scared this will happen to me too. I’m scared I will die alone.” Ray looked down at his knuckles that had turned white, his fists curled tightly in his lap as he bared his deepest worry. 

Sand reached across and picked up Ray’s hands. Ray found himself relaxing at the touch. Sand tugged on Ray’s hands slightly, forcing Ray to raise his eyes to meet his.  

“As long as I am alive, I will make sure that never happens to you.” 

Ray inhaled sharply. The weight of Sand’s words stung in his heart. “Thank you.” 

“You don’t need to keep thanking me, it’s not like –“

“No, I mean it.” Ray said firmly cutting across whatever excuse Sand was going to say. “I don’t know how I would have made it through all this without you. You always come to save me, even after all I’ve done. Thank you, Sand.” 

Sand moved places to sit next to Ray. He reached out and laced Ray’s fingers inside his own, perfectly intertwined like puzzle pieces finally finding the right match. Sand leaned his head towards Ray and whispered, “You’re welcome.” 

Ray closed his eyes and leaned on Sand’s shoulder feeling the soft cool breeze tickling his skin. It felt right and familiar. If wishes were real, Ray would have wished for time to stop here and now. He didn’t want this moment to end, he didn’t want to return to real life where everything was difficult and hard. He wanted to stay here and enjoy the simple pleasures. A single tear had dropped from the corner of his eyes, staining Sand’s T-shirt. 

“I don’t want to go back home.” Ray sighed as the heaviness in his heart began to grow. 

“Me neither.” Sand said and tightened his grip on Ray’s hand. 

“Let’s stay another night.” Sand suggested. “We could go to the music festival, Aunt Hwang would want us to do something fun in her honour. Plus, I’m tired from playing nurse all night I can’t face that drive home today.” Sand playfully nudged Ray with this shoulder. 

There was a ghost of hesitation on Ray’s face, but it was quickly replaced with a small smile, as he nodded, agreeing to Sand’s suggestion. Biting down a grin, Ray closed his eyes and snuggled back into Sand’s shoulder. 

They would have one more day. 

~~

It was evening when they arrived at the music festival. EDM music was booming through the air, it could be heard from three streets away. They were given light up wristbands as they passed through the entrance gate and once inside someone dressed as a fairy had insisted on painting their faces with some glow in the dark paint. 

They walked through the grounds looking for somewhere to relax and enjoy the atmosphere. As they strolled, they talked and laughed together, pointing out fun displays and crazy costumes. They were enjoying the experience so much it felt like they had no cares left. There was nothing to worry about anymore. This wasn’t exactly the music either of them liked but for tonight they would take it. 

They paused as they passed the heavily illuminated bar area. Ray looked at everyone happily enjoying the alcohol and he looked sad. Sand watched Ray carefully,  given everything that had happened this week, everything he had been through he considered letting Ray have a pass, just for tonight. 

“Do you want one?”

“No”

“It’s okay I will make sure you don’t overdo it, after everything this we- ”

“No” Ray cut across. “You can if you want, go on, it’s okay” Ray encouraged. 

Sand searched Ray’s face but all he found was a look of determination. A warm feeling spread in his chest watching Ray finally make a good decision for himself without anyone forcing him. 

“I’m good, if you are” Sand smiled as they turned away from the area. 

“See, I can be good sometimes.” Ray said cutely walking backwards from Sand “But we both know I’m much more fun when I’m bad” Ray couldn’t help himself, he winked. 

Sand raised a surprised eyebrow at him, a hint of a shy smile at the corner of his lips. He always liked when Ray was like this. It’s what had attracted him in the first place, the playful flirting, the confident way he carried himself. The way Ray looked at him, like he was ready to devour. 

Sand couldn’t help it either. “You look good tonight, festivals suit you”, he called after Ray who had turned and was heading for a seating area. 

And Ray did look good, Sand had to admit it to himself. His hair natural because he didn’t have his expensive hair products, dressed in a simple T-shirt and ripped jeans. He looked young, carefree, happy, his favourite version of Ray. He hadn’t seen it in so long. 

“Uh Oh, be careful. You might fall in love with me again” Ray smirked, glancing over his shoulder at Sand. 

“Isn’t that what you want?” Sand said, jogging to Ray’s side. 

“Hmmm…maybe” Ray said drawing out the last word before jumping into a huge bean bag chair. 

“Maybe?! Sand fumed in a joking way before throwing himself in beside Ray, the bean bag closing around their bodies, pushing them closer to each other. 

It all came so naturally. Sand’s opening his arm, inviting Ray to lean on his chest, Ray accepting and snuggling in, Sand wrapping his arm around his shoulder pulling him closer. 

“ You and I, stargazing… intertwining souls…” Sand started humming a song to himself. The unfamiliar tune earned Ray’s attention. He turned, leaned on his elbow so he could look at Sand. 

“A new song?” 

“It could be.” Sand nodded. “Just thought about it.” 

“Sing some more.” Ray insisted.  

Sand closed his eyes, a smile on his face, before opening them again and meeting Ray’s gaze. “I lose my mind when I’m around you, how I come alive. When I am without you, I cannot help but feel so lost.” 

“Are you confessing?” Ray teased. 

“You wish!” Sand said playfully to hide the fact he had meant every word.  

“Actually, do you know what I wish right now?” Ray said, snuggling back into Sand’s embrace.  

“What?” Sand asked. His fingers found their way to the strands of hair at Ray’s neck. Running them softly through his fingers. 

“I wish we had some of your cookies.” Ray sighed and Sand burst out laughing. 

“Hmmm .. Well, I might not have a cookie, but I do have something else.” Sand reached into his pocket and took out the cigarette packet and tossed it to Ray. Ray opened it like a child opening a present at Christmas. He pulled out a perfectly rolled joint and ran it under his nose before throwing his head back in delight. 

“See, this is why I love you.” Ray beamed as he held the joint up like a prize he had just won. Sand tried to ignore Ray’s words, now was not the time to dissect them, he helped Ray to light up and Ray took a long drag, feeling the delicious burn in his lungs before slowly blowing out the smoke. 

“You are the only one I know who carries these around.” Ray giggled. 

“You are the only one that knows I carry them around.” Sand turned his head and smiled again. 

Ray’s eyes widened as he looked back at Sand. “Wow, not even Summer?” 

Sand sighed, resting his head back against the beanbag. “She doesn’t know a lot of things about me.” 

“Why are you with her again?” Ray rolled his eyes, shaking his head. “Actually, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know. Right now, I just want to enjoy this moment, having you here, not hating me.”

“I never hated you.” Sand sighed, looking at the stars sparkling in the sky. “I couldn’t bring myself to hate you, no matter how much I wanted too.” Sand reached over and took the joint from Ray and inhaled deeply. Ray didn’t resist he was too struck by Sand’s words to react. A few moments passed before either moved or spoke again. 

“Hey Ray, do you remember this?” Sand inhaled a long drag and leaned close to Ray, placing his lips over Rays as he blew the smoke from his mouth to Ray’s.  Ray inhaled the smoke before letting it escape again. The smoke disappeared but Sand didn’t pull away he let his lips linger until it became a soft kiss. 

Ray pushed him off giggling. “Yes, I remember. It was a cheap trick then and it’s still a cheap trick.” 

Sand laughed as he leaned back. He passed Ray back the joint as they snuggled down to enjoy the buzz slowly setting in. Ray blew smoke above them and they watched it disappear into the star filled night, swept away by the cool breeze. 

Ray’s mind wandered back to the festival he had never dared enter and then glanced at Sand.

 Another wound from their past healed. 

Chapter Text

🎵

It was past nine in the morning when Sand woke. The bright sun beaming in through the gap in the hotel curtains, once again, annoying him awake. Still dressed in last night’s clothes, he raised a hand to wipe the sleep from his eyes. 

A smile stretched across his face as he came to his senses and felt the arm wrapped around his waist and the head hiding in his chest. Sand missed mornings like this when Ray’s legs would intertwine with his and they were calm in each other's embrace. Ray was holding onto him like a Koala clinging to a tree. Sand kissed the crown of Ray’s head like he had always done when waking like this. It felt right. 

Last night, they had arrived back at the hotel from the festival, still buzzing. It was late and Sand hadn’t even bothered to look at the sofa. Once they stepped in the room, Sand threw himself down on the tiny single bed and opened his arms, gesturing for Ray to join him. Ray happily kicked off his shoes and crawled into his warm embrace. 

“Not sure your fiancée would approve of this” Ray whispered snuggling in Sand’s arms nevertheless. 

“I won’t tell if you don’t, just this once” Sand replied sleepily, wrapping his arms around the small frame of his ex-boyfriend. 

“Careful Sand, that’s starting to become your catchphrase” teased Ray. He leaned his chin on Sand’s chest and stared up at him smiling.

Sand pulled him closer, “Go asleep before you cause me anymore trouble.” 

Ray smiled and closed his eyes. It was the quickest either of them had fallen asleep in a long time. Sand couldn’t believe last night was real, it felt like a perfect dream. 

A sudden call of nature snapped Sand back into the moment. He urgently needed the bathroom but looking at Ray sleeping so peacefully, he didn’t want to wake him. He tried to pull his arm gently out from underneath his sleeping partner without waking him but failed miserably. Ray let out a small groan, as he felt Sand’s warm body leave his. He shifted around in the bed and grabbed Sand’s waist to stop him from rolling away. 

“Good morning.” Sand said with a wry smile. Ray was looking at him with cute half opened eyes.

“Good morning.” Ray said, giving him the most innocent smile. 

“Did you sleep well?” Sand asked brushing a few strands of hair off Ray’s face. 

“Never slept better.” Ray confessed. “Were you trying to sneak out on me?” He pouted, causing Sand to roll his eyes adoringly, before biting down a smile. 

“No idiot, I was trying to go to the bathroom. So can you let go before I pee on you?” 

“No!” Ray pouted up at Sand again and threw his leg over Sand's, trapping him further. 

Sand groaned, feeling himself almost losing his control over his bladder. “Ray, I am not joking, I really need to use the bathroom.” He said, using his strength to wriggle free, “Ray, let go! I promise I’ll come back.”

“Ugh fine go, leave me.” Ray released Sand and threw himself back dramatically into the pillows, throwing a hand across his face for effect. 

Sand rolled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. As he passed by the hotel door, he jokingly opened it as if he was leaving. “Don’t you dare” Ray shouted at him and threw a pillow at him. Sand caught the pillow and threw it back laughing and headed into the bathroom. 

Ray rolled over in the bed to grab his phone from the nightstand. The usual set of messages from Mew checking on him appeared in his notifications. Not in the mood to answer, he placed the phone back on the nightstand and saw Sand’s phone light up from another new message. Ray didn’t mean to steal a glance, but he couldn’t help it, curiosity got the best of him. He knew shouldn’t look. He shouldn’t. But… his hand moved on its own, grabbing the phone. 

Where are you? I’m so worried, please call me, it’s been days!!

Ray went further and expanded the notifications. The new message was just the latest in a long trail of unanswered pleas from Summer. All the same, all begging Sand to contact her. Her concern was noticeable throughout all the messages. But one message made him stop scrolling. One message caught his attention. 

I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time about Ray. Is this you punishing me? I promise I’ll do better please don’t let this come between us. I miss you. I love you. Please Sand just call me tell me you’re okay!

A weird sensation seeped its way through Ray’s insides. A familiar feeling that had been buried years ago, started to surface again. The sound of the bathroom door opening snapped Ray out of his black hole of emotions and he immediately put the phone down. 

Reality had finally broken the spell of the last few days.  

“Let’s go have breakfast before we leave. We could go back to the coffee shop or order to the room?” Sand offered sitting back down on the bed and reaching for Ray’s hand. 

Ray immediately pulled away and climbed off the opposite side of the bed. “Eh sure, coffee shop sounds good” He replied coldly. Sand sat confused watching as Ray walked around the bed and headed for the bathroom. 

“Ray” 

“Hmm?” Ray hummed in reply, not stopping to spare a  look at Sand. 

“You okay?” Sand questioned. He stood as if to approach Ray. Something felt wrong. The atmosphere had changed so much in 3 minutes.

“I’m fine” Ray stated and before Sand could walk over he entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him, locking it just in time to hide the tears beginning to fall. 

~~ 

Ray sat in silence as they waited for the waitress to bring over their breakfast. Sand had his phone on the table and Ray could see the messages continuing to come in. He watched as Sand picked up the phone repeatedly, looked at the messages and put the phone back down without answering. 

“You really should answer those, it could be important.” Ray pointed out. 

“It’s Summer.” Sand sighed, shaking his head. He didn’t want to think about her now. He didn’t want to bring her up now. Not when everything felt so perfect at this moment. Sand looked at Ray and saw an emotionless look in his eyes. He couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking at this moment.

 “She wouldn’t understand.” Sand confessed. “I told her I was away at a promotion, but I know she doesn’t believe me.” Another sighed skipped Sand’s mouth as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “I don’t want to fight with her about this. I had to be here. I wanted to be here. But I know she won’t get it.”

Ray looked away out the window. He wasn’t sure what to say. He saw himself in her, desperate for love, affection, confirmation that everything was okay.  The same weird sensation twisted deep within him again, climbing up to his heart, squeezing it like a vice. 

“Don’t worry about it, it was my choice to come.” Sand tried to reach out for Ray’s hand but Ray pulled it from  the table onto his lap. Sand bit down on his lower lip, before a third sigh skipped his mouth in as many minutes. “It’s okay, it’s my problem, I’ll think of something on the way home.”

“Here’s your breakfast guys,” the ever-helpful waitress announced, laying the plates on the table. The waitress glanced from Sand to Ray, noticing the unbearable tension between them.

“Thanks,” muttered Ray, not wanting to look up as the waitress awkwardly walked away.

They finished breakfast wrapped in a heavy silence. The whole time Sand eyes didn't leave Ray while Ray did his best to not to meet his gaze. Ray got up first, walked to the counter and paid the bill before he walked past Sand and out of the coffee shop. Ray stopped outside and took in the view of the waves lapping against the shore. It reminded him of Aunt Hwang. 

A few seconds later, Sand joined him, nudging him with an elbow. “Ray, talk to me, what’s going on?” 

“Will you take a walk with me on the beach?” Ray requested suddenly. 

“Now?” Sand frowned in confusion. 

“Yes, now, please” 

“Okay” Sand reached out his hand towards Ray’s but Ray made sure to start walking first and dodge the contact. 

They walked down along the calm shore in silence. Their feet left matching footprints in the damp sand behind them. Sand risked glances at Ray but didn’t dare speak first. Ray clearly had something on his mind and Sand wanted to give him the time to find the words. 

“Are you still in contact with Boeing?” Ray abruptly broke the silence. Sand had not been expecting this question, taken by surprise it took his brain a couple of seconds to process a response. 

 “No, I cut all ties with him when I left Japan. I deleted his contact details and we have never spoken again. Why are you asking about this now?” 

Ray ignored the question, “I was devastated when I saw you two together that day.  It hurt more than anything I’d ever felt before.”

Sand, still confused about the conversation, tried his best to reply, “I know Ray, but I never meant to hurt you.” 

“I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but it doesn’t change the fact that you did.”

“I was insecure, back then.” Sand confessed. “I needed Boeing’s help because I wanted to show you that I could do it without you. I wanted to feel equal and not have you support me all the time. I didn’t think it would end up the way it did.” 

Ray nodded. “I was insecure too. You let someone else help you, someone I hated. Someone who hurt you so much before. I was so angry and felt so betrayed. I think that’s why I did what I did. I wanted you to feel the same pain I was feeling. I wanted to hurt you.” 

“We hurt each other Ray, but that’s in the past now.”

“Is it?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

“I remember the nights I stayed awake waiting for you to respond, worrying about you. Imagining all types of scenarios, driving myself insane. And then finding you with him, well it didn’t end well for anyone did it?”

“Why are we going over this again?”

“Because history is repeating itself, just this time I’m Boeing and Summer is me! I can’t, I won’t be responsible for putting someone else through that kind of torture.”

Sand opened his mouth to argue but no words came out. 

“See you know I’m right; you can’t even argue back.” Ray said calmly before continuing, “I saw her messages, Sand. She was begging for you to talk to her, come home to her, worrying if you’re okay, it’s a very familiar feeling.”

Sand looked down at his feet, processing Ray’s words. 

“And where are you Sand? Here with me, with someone she hates, someone who hurt you, someone who claimed to be trying to help your career. It’s the same story all over again just with different characters.”

Ray waited to see if Sand would argue but when he didn’t Ray decided to continue. It was now or never. 

“I heard you the other night Sand, fighting with her, reassuring her that I was just a sponsor, nothing more, and you’re right. That’s  the way it should be.” 

“You heard that?” Sand asked quietly. 

Ray let out a heavy sigh as he watched Sand still looking at his feet taking in the truth. 

“I heard it all and I’m only sorry it  took me this long to realise that what I was doing was so wrong. Turning up as your sponsor, making you work with me, trying to force us back together, pushing you into impossible choices. I was so blinded by finding you that I didn’t think about anyone else, but not anymore. You know, If Aunt Hwang was still here, she would have pointed it out to me long ago, but I guess with her gone I have to be my own moral compass.”

As Sand listened to Ray’s words he remained quiet but  he felt as if his heart was breaking. Ray was right. So why did it hurt so much to hear?

“I am sorry, Sand, for everything. I made you choose once and it made you miserable but I won’t make that mistake again. The one thing Boeing never did was respect your decisions, your choices, but I won’t be like him, not anymore. I refuse to be the cause of your misery again.”

Sand finally brought himself to look at Ray. Tears were falling down his face but he didn’t try to stop them. 

“Sand, please don’t cry, it’s going to be okay. When we get back, I will leave and I won’t bother you about this again. You can go on with the new life you’ve made, in peace.”

Ray paused. 

 “You were right all along, as you nearly always are, I shouldn’t have come back.” Ray tried some humour to lighten the mood.  

“W-what do you mean?” Sand stuttered, feeling the world spinning around him. 

“Don’t worry.” Ray said, giving him a smile. “You won’t lose the sponsorship. We just won’t have to work together anymore. I contacted Nick this morning and explained it all, so you don’t need to worry about it when you get home.” 

“How could you do that without telling me?” Sand’s face was turning red the more Ray explained “And what about the song we have to write?”

“No more, you are free. It was a poor excuse to get some time alone with you anyway, I’m surprised it worked to be honest.”

“What the fuck are you doing Ray?” Sand snapped. “Is this another joke? You just come and go as you please, play with my feelings and just when I think things are getting better…” Sand inhaled sharply, struggling against the lump at the back of his throat. 

In a small voice he struggled to finish “… we were finally getting back to being in a good place.” 

"I’ve lost a lot of important people in life, my mom, Aunt Hwang,” Ray paused. “But losing you was by far the hardest one and I don’t want to lose you again, I couldn’t bear it.”

Tears filled Ray's eyes as he took a deep breath. He reached out and picked up Sand’s hands in his, “I can live through losing almost anything in this world, but I won’t survive losing you again. But if we carry on like this that’s exactly what will happen. The last few days have been amazing, just like how we used to be. But it can’t ever really be the same again, you’re engaged to someone else and I need to face that reality.” 

Sand was shaking his head, tears streaming down his eyes. “Ray please.” 

“No, listen, it's okay Sand, the lady in the shop yesterday was right, we can be happy just being friends. It’s better this way.”

“For who?!” Snapped Sand.

“For everyone, Me….You…Summer.” Replied Ray gently. 

“But you don’t have to leave” Sand almost pleaded. 

“Yes I do.” Ray brushed his finger lovingly over Sand’s knuckles. “I love you too much to be around and not have all of you but friends from a distance I think I can manage that.” 

Sand didn’t respond, he couldn’t. Ray was right. He knew it and he hated it. 

“Thank you for not hating me, Sand.” Ray said as he lowered their hands and decreased the distance between them. He pressed his forehead to Sand’s. “But you have someone else now, someone who loves you, wants the best for you, is there to support you and let’s be honest, someone who truly deserves you.  I want you to be happy Sand. I love you too much to ruin it all for you again.”

Leaning in, Ray closed the last gap between them and captured Sand’s lips in his. The soft  kiss lasted barely a second before Ray pulled away. He pulled one hand free and used it to wipe the tears still flowing down Sand’s cheeks and then wiped his own. He smiled at Sand but it was laden with the sad resignation of his decision. 

“C’mon, it's time to go back to the real world.” Ray coaxed with a gentle pull on Sand’s hand.

Sand couldn’t comprehend what had just happened. Why did this feel like he was breaking up with Ray all over again? His chest physically hurt. He was struggling to take a breath and he couldn’t stop the tears. The world was tightening around him and he suddenly felt trapped. For the first time in years, panic was creeping through his whole body. 

~

Sand sat on the sofa and watched Ray pack his bags. He watched helplessly, not able to bring himself to stop him and ask him to stay. And not able to accept the fact that this was really the end of everything. It hurt like hell. He had a million thoughts running around his head, conflicting, confusing, none of them made sense. What did make sense was Ray’s decision, so why did he hate it so much?

Ray was doing his best to keep the mood light. He tried chatting to Sand as he packed, even trying some jokes to show Sand that it would be okay. 

“When is the wedding?” 

“We haven’t set a date” Sand replied soulessly.

“Well, when you do, send me an invite, I will go and cheer you on, just don’t ask me to be best man or anything, I don’t fancy leaving the wedding with a black eye from the bride.” Ray chuckled at his own joke, but Sand didn’t. He looked at him with empty eyes. 

Sand returned to his silence. Where was this Ray, level headed, clear thinking, mature when he needed him two years ago. Why now?

Once packed and checked out, they headed to their cars, now parked side by side in the underground carpark. Ray threw his bag on the backseat as Sand leaned silently against the hood of his car watching. 

“Sand please say something, you’ve been practically mute since our walk on the beach.”

“What’s left to say, you said it all.”

“I don’t want to part like this, it’s been amazing having you here, and I want it to always be like this between us.”

“Just like this, huh”

“Well, I mean if you ever find yourself single feel free to hit me up.” Ray winked as he nudged Sand’s elbow. It finally worked and Sand gave in with a smile.  

“It’s not like we can’t see or talk to each other. You survived two years without me. At least this time I know when I call you’ll pick up.” 

“Might pick up you mean.” Sand tried his best to joke for Ray despite the tight feeling threatening to crush his heart. 

“Well then, you might let me know when you get home safe.” Ray smiled as he walked around to the driver side door of his car and slid in with a small wave goodbye.  

Sand sat in his car and lit up a cigarette. He watched as Ray pulled out of the carpark and onto the main street. Sand followed quickly after. He followed along the highway right behind Ray’s car, making sure that Ray was driving safely. 

His thoughts once again running wild, he resorted to radio for peace. But the radio was cruel. He heard his own song begin to play. Timeless Space. The first song he had finished on his mountain hiatus. The first song he ever wrote about Ray. The song that had brought Ray back into his life. 

As the song played, the lyrics affected him more than they had ever done. 

The kind of love that you only find once in a lifetime, the kind you don’t put down.

But they had put it down.

A sigh escaped  Sand’s throat as his thoughts wandered back to Japan. To the day Ray suddenly appeared at the studio. 

~

“Ray, wait a second, Ray.” Sand was panting as he ran after his boyfriend. The weather in Japan was so cold he could see his breath turning to fog in front of him. Catching up, he grabbed Ray’s arm to stop him storming away. “Wait, Ray! Listen to me.”

“Listen to what?” Ray snapped, throwing the flowers and presents that he was still holding on the ground. “What Sand? What explanation could you possibly have?”

“It’s not what you think.” Sand tried as Ray pulled himself out of Sand’s grasp.

“Oh, and what do I think? Cause I don’t know what I should be thinking right now!” Ray snapped through gritted teeth. “I feel so fucking stupid right now. I came all the way here, excited to … ” Ray’s voice cracked. He looked away from Sand, hurt flashed in his eyes “And you’re here with him. Him of all people, Sand!” 

“Are you bored of me? Is that it? Your life better without me? Easier?” Ray spat each question, hot tears filling his eyes.

“That’s not it, Ray. Please, I—” Sand said, feeling his phone buzzing in his coat. He pulled out his phone and Ray could see Boeing’s name flash on the screen. A name Sand swore would never be saved as a contact again. 

~

Summer’s face swam across his mind. Ray was right. It hit Sand for the first time how she had reacted the same as Ray upon seeing Boeing in Japan. Her words were as sharp as Ray’s, coated with the same pain. 

“I am not stupid, Sand. A sponsor?” 

 “A “friend” that needs help in the middle of the night. You’re just worried about work? Do you think I haven’t noticed how distracted you are? How distant you’re becoming? Not answering my calls, should I go on?!”

~

Ray was right! Everything he said was true. Painfully true. 

“I remember the nights I stayed awake waiting for you to respond, worrying about you. Imagining all types of scenarios, driving myself insane. And then finding you with him, well it didn’t end well for anyone did it?”

“Why are we going over this again”

“Because history is repeating itself, just this time I’m Boeing and Summer is me! I can’t, I won’t be responsible for putting someone through that kind of torture.”

~

Sand leaned his head back against the rest. Ray was right, history was repeating itself and he was just as guilty for letting it happen as Ray was. Only this time it wasn’t so easy to walk away. 

The drive home seemed to take half the time as the drive down. Maybe it was because he didn’t want the journey to end. Once it did, he would have to face the truth, Ray was leaving, Summer was staying, and he was stuck confused somewhere in the middle. 

He watched the highway exits carefully. In five more, Ray would turn off heading for their apartment and Sand would have to carry on straight to his home with Summer. Summer who would be waiting with a hundred questions. A hundred questions he had no good answer for. 

The next exit sign approached. 

Follow Ray.

No, carry on straight, go home. Sand nodded to himself, determined. 

Two notifications sounded on his phone one after another. 

Ray: Don’t forget to text me when you’re home 

Summer: Sand please come home. I can’t do this without you. 

Is this really it… ugh Ray don’t do this. Please. 

Sand!! Go home to Summer! Stop making things more complicated!

Ray turned off the highway  

Sand carried on straight

~~

As he entered, the apartment looked emptier than it had ever done. He leaned against the closed door and looked around. Now that he completely ended everything for real, nothing in this house looked the same. Everywhere he had once found a trace of Sand’s presence evaporated into thin air. Sand’s voice and laughter that had echoed throughout the apartment held firmly in his memories, now silent. 

It’s for the best

Pushing himself off the door, Ray let out a deep sigh. 

It’s for the best. 

Ray walked over to the kitchen and picked up the Sand’s cup from the sink. It had lived there unused for over two years. Ray opened the cupboard above the sink and put the cup inside. He slowly closed the door before leaning his hands back on the sink and drawing in a long breath. 

It’s for the best. 

Ray heard keys opening his front door. 

Fuck Mew, you couldn’t give me five minutes!

The front door opened, and Ray heard footsteps approaching. He prepared himself for an interrogation. 

“Sorry Mew, I’m only home, I was gonna call you,” Ray turned to face the visitor. He froze and his fake smile disappeared instantly.  

“You shouldn’t be here!” Ray stammered. 

Chapter Text

🎵    

🎵

2 Years ago 

Sand hoped that today he would finally break through the barrier Ray had built around his heart. Prove that he did care, that he loved him just as much as he ever had, that nothing had changed or could ever change that love between them. 

He tried to concentrate on setting up the stage for the gig at Yolo but he couldn’t help from glancing around the room searching for his special guest. Tonight, he would debut his new song. The song he had composed in Japan, physically separated from Ray but never separated from the deep love they shared. 

“Do your best, Sand!” P’Yo encouraged as she walked over to where he sat, perfecting the tuning on his guitar. With a sympathetic smile she enquired “Is he here yet?” 

He shook his head sadly. “He isn’t here, I hope he will turn up soon.” 

“I heard some rumblings that a music executive is coming too? Do they want to sign you?” P’Yo asked raising an inquisitive eyebrow. 

Sand nodded “I hope so, I can’t go back to Japan and leave Ray so I’ve no choice but to try my luck in finding a career here again.”

“Have you told Ray what a big night this is for you?” 

Sand nodded again, pressing his lips together. “I did, but I am not sure he was listening or maybe he just doesn’t care anymore.” He shrugged sadly at his own words. 

“Oh Sand…” P’Yo muttered sadly. “Are you two going to keep fighting forever?” 

“I don’t want to. I’m tired of fighting him. That’s why I am hoping he will show up today and see the truth for himself.” 

A hand dropped gently onto his shoulder, P’Yo gave it a small squeeze. “You’ve got this Sand! You will get the job and your man. Keep fighting.” 

The main lights in the bar dimmed and the spotlight lit up the centre of the small stage. Sand forced a smile as he stepped into the light, his heart was thumping hard in his chest. He desperately scanned the room one last time. 

He wasn’t there. 

Sand could only see Nick sat on the couch at the side of the bar clapping his encouragement. There was another man beside him on the couch that Sand didn’t recognise. Must be the music executive. Okay Sand breath. It’s showtime. 

Sand wrapped his fingers around the mic and leaned in. His voice echoed through the room as he spoke.“I wrote this song for someone very special to me. Ray, wherever you are, I hope this song touches your heart as much as you have touched mine.” 

Nick wooed and clapped his hands to encourage his friend. “Let’s go, Sand!”

Sand settled the guitar strap over his shoulder and nodded to the band that he was ready. The band began to play the slow chords and instantly drowned out the din of the bar. Sand played and sung from the depths of his heart, the emotion, real and raw, obvious to anyone watching.The bar fell quiet as everyone paused to witness the heart being poured out onstage. The bar staff stopped serving to listen. The patrons stopped talking to listen. People even stopped dancing to listen. It was a perfect performance and Ray had missed it. 

When Sand finished the bar remained silent for what felt like an eternity. That was until Nick stood up and started clapping enthusiastically and was quickly followed by the whole bar. The whole place erupted in loud cheers and rounds of applause. Sand was sure he could hear someone whistling too. He watched the man beside Nick slowly stand up and join in the applause, before handing Nick a business card and walking out. 

Sand was speechless at the reaction.  He couldn’t move, not even to stop the tears flowing down his cheeks. It was a near perfect moment, with only one important element missing. 

Finally finding his voice again, Sand bowed and  thanked the audience before jumping down from the stage and heading through the cheering crowd to Nick. 

“That was amazing, Sand. Honestly the best I have ever heard you perform. I think you might have broken my own heart more than yours.”

“Well at least I touched someone’s heart. Where is he, Nick? Why isn’t he here, what could be more important than this?”

Nick avoided eye contact he didn’t want to see the hurt look in Sand’s eyes when he told him the truth. “He’s at the hostel. Him and Boston are throwing a party. I’m so sorry Sand, he should have been here.”

“What!? How do you know, he never said anything about a party!”

Nick sighed as he picked up his phone and opened Instagram. Sand took the phone and looked at Boston’s stories. Sand stared at the screen in disbelief as the world around him fell silent. The only sound forcing its way through the void was the sound of his heart shattering into a million tiny pieces. 

The stories showed Ray’s arms happily wrapped around some guy’s shoulders, some guy Sand didn’t recognise. Someone else was standing on a table pouring alcohol down between them as they both tried to catch it on their tongues. But their tongues caught each other instead. Sand clenched his jaw so hard that he could feel the pain in his teeth. He almost tasted blood as he watched Ray kiss the guy to the sound of the crowd around them cheering them on. 

Sand continued to watch the video of Ray shoving his tongue down someone else's throat as Nick fought for control of his phone trying to protect Sand from any further hurt. Sand used one hand to hold it out of reach, while using the other hand to hold Nick firmly back. He was determined to see exactly what Ray was doing instead of being here with him. The anger building inside of him felt like a volcano on the verge of erupting. 

The story changed and it was Boston. His face filled the screen, red from consuming too much alcohol, but his eyes were bright with excitement. “Ray is so back,” Boston said to the camera before panning across the chaotic scene to Ray straddling a girl on the sofa. He casually snorted some white powder off her chest before quickly moving up to kiss her passionately. 

The stories ended and Sand closed his eyes tightly, before handing Nick back his phone. His heart clenched tightly in his chest. The heat of anger that had initially rushed through his whole body was quickly replaced with a coldness he had never felt before. 

“Take me to him.” Sand said emotionlessly. 

~~ 

Sand remained silent for the short drive as he fought to maintain his composure. Nick had tried a few cautious words but had quickly given into the silence. As soon as they arrived Sand jumped out of the car, slammed the car door behind him and walked furiously into the hostel, ignoring anyone in his path. Half dressed, drunk guests littered the hostel and the music was so loud he couldn’t hear his own thoughts. Maybe that was a good thing. He headed straight for Ray’s favourite hangout spots. 

Pool, no Ray. 

Garden, no Ray. 

Bar, no Ray. 

Sand was quickly running out of options. Climbing the stairs, he prayed he wouldn’t find Ray in one of the rooms upstairs

Room 1, no Ray. 

Room 2, no Ray. 

Room 3  

Sand stopped dead in the doorway as he took in the scene before him. Ray was half naked on the bed, straddling the same guy he had been kissing earlier.  Sand watched as Ray bent over and kissed down this guy’s jaw and neck, before sitting up and running his hands down the stranger's chest. Sand fumed as a   girl also sitting on the bed, grabbed Ray’s head, turned it and kissed him fiercely. No hint of resistance from Ray. Sand instantly lost whatever composure he had left.

Glancing beside him, there were empty bottles on a table next to the door. Sand grabbed one and flung it at the wall across from the bed. The bottle shattered loudly but it had the desired effect. The threesome suddenly stopped and turned their attention to the door.

Ray sat back on his heels, still atop his unknown partner and gestured to the door, “Look everyone, my boyfriend is here, maybe he would like to join us.” Ray turned and smirked as he looked at the anger radiating from Sand. 

“I think you both should leave.” Sand replied coldly, not taking his eyes from Ray for one second.

The girl jumped off the bed and the guy quickly threw Ray off him. This was an argument neither one of them wanted to be involved in. The pair quickly grabbed their discarded clothes from the floor and shuffled awkwardly past Sand. Sand stormed through the room, his shoes crunching on the broken glass. He grabbed Ray’s shirt from a chair and took the keys from the pocket before throwing it viscously at him.”

“Get dressed! We’re leaving! Now!” 

“But maybe I don’t want to—.”

“NOW RAY!” Sand growled the instruction through gritted teeth. 

As soon as Ray had most of the buttons on his shirt closed, Sand grabbed his arm and dragged him along harshly. Out of the room. Down the stairs. Through the drunken crowd. To the back of the hostel. 

 “Get into the car Ray” Sand snarled as he roughly  pulled Ray towards the passenger door. 

“Get off me Sand, I’m not a child.” Ray demanded as he shrugged his shirt free from Sand’s grip 

“Then stop acting like one.” Sand shouted as Ray slumped into the passenger seat. Sand slammed the car door in his face, before heading to the driver side. 

“Oh, I’m the child Sand, me?  I’m not the one storming into parties causing a scene, demanding to know where I am. In front of all my friends Sand, You’re so embarrassing.” Arguing with a drunk Ray was pointless but Sand was well past the point of caring now.

Sand angrily started the engine and pulled quickly out onto the road. “I embarrassed you!? Ray, are you serious? What the hell did you think you were doing?” 

Ray smirked in defiance. His own broken heart hardened even further under Sand’s judgment. His response was harsh but direct. “It hurts, doesn’t it? Finding your boyfriend with someone else!” 

“Fuck off, Ray its not the same thing and you know it.” Sand grabbed the steering wheel. His knuckles turned white as his palms tightened around it. “I’m not doing this with you now! You’re so wasted you don’t even know what you're doing or saying!” 

“Oh, I think this is the perfect time to do this.” Ray sneered, angling his body in his seat to face Sand, leaning back on the car’s door.

“Ray just shut up, for once. I’m too fucking angry right now and I’m trying really hard not to crash the car.” 

“I’m sorry Sand..” Ray mocked with an insincere look of regret before it changed to a fierce glare,  “would it have been better if it was someone I knew?” His last question was laced with sarcasm. 

The car that was once filled with happiness and the sound of them singing along to their favorite songs, now filled with anger and shouting. Sand looked straight ahead, refusing to look at Ray. If he did, he might not just lose control over the car, but might lose the last piece of his restraint.  Ray continued looking at him with a drunken smug, not caring if they crashed the car, what was left to lose at this point. 

“Are you honestly trying to make this about Boeing right now?” Sand took a corner a little too quickly, and the car almost skid out. He breathed deep to calm himself, before he really did kill them both. 

“Well, I didn’t mention him but good to know your guilty consciousness still remembers!”

“How many times do I need to say it Ray, nothing happened in Japan. Nothing happened with Boeing. The alcohol has made you paranoid.”

“Like you care what alcohol does to me!” Ray spat, looking away from Sand.

Sand finally turned to look at Ray, he couldn’t believe the nonsense he was spewing. “What are you even saying? Do you know how worried I was when Mew called me and told me you were drinking again.”

“At least he cared, he knew what you were doing in Japan was wrong. Don’t play the hero Sand!  Didn’t he have to beg you to come home. He told me everything, how you refused to leave Boeing.”

“I didn’t refuse to leave Boeing” Sand slammed his hands against the steering wheel in frustration, accidentally setting off the car horn. The loud beep shocked them both and provided a much needed break from the heated back and forth. Sand was breathing hard, his thoughts were racing in his mind. It was hard to calm down when dealing with Ray was this intense. 

Sand drew a deep breath, trying to speak more calmly this time, there really was no use in shouting; it would just spur Ray on to continue arguing. “I wanted to stay for my career, nothing else. But Mew made it very clear that I had to choose. It was you or Japan.”

“Don’t blame Mew!”

“I’m not! I made my choice! I choose you Ray! I came  home once Mew told me what you were doing. How was I supposed to stay knowing you were drinking yourself into oblivion again? And so here I am. Trying to save you again! And what are you doing? Still drinking, playing stupid games. Pushing me away. I gave up everything. I came home, for you, for us and you don’t care!”

Ray finally snapped and all his anger and insecurities came flooding out. His shouts filled the car. “Bullshit Sand, all you cared about was being there with him! Him of all people!  The ex-boyfriend that cheated on you, broke your heart. Have you forgotten that he tried to tear us apart once and you still think it’s okay that he was there! You only came home because you got caught.”

Sand pulled sharply into the underground carpark of their complex. Their bodies jerked forward as Sand abruptly stopped Ray’ car. Ray would’ve hit the dashboard from the unexpected force  if it hadn’t been for the seatbelt Sand forced him to wear. 

“I didn’t get caught Ray, there was nothing to catch!” Sand snapped, giving up on trying to remain calm. If Ray wanted to do this now then fine. He turned his body to face his boyfriend, who was looking at him with loathing. “After everything we’ve been through Ray,  how can you not trust me on this. I get it! I messed up having him there and not telling you, but I didn’t cheat on you! Why won’t you just listen to me!”

“Because how am I supposed to believe that?” Ray shouted after Sand who climbed out of the car slamming the door. Sand stopped in his tracks as he turned to face Ray. 

“Look at what I did Ray, as soon as I spoke to Mew, I came home, I booked the next flight. I left Boeing there and I came back to you. If I wanted Boeing, why wouldn’t I just stay there?!”

“Guilt!” 

“No Ray! Love! You know.. Boeing told me I was crazy to leave and follow you home, that I was giving up everything. But I did it anyway. I did what you wanted and you’re still punishing me. It’s been six weeks and you haven’t stopped punishing me. When is it going to be enough!” 

Sand turned and headed angrily for the stairs up to their apartment. Ray quickly followed , grabbing onto the handrail to steady himself, the alcohol still pumping through his system. 

“I’m not punishing you. I’m punishing myself for having been so stupid to believe that you were only there for your music.” Ray shouted stumbling up the last couple of steps. 

Sand stopped at their door and turned again to Ray.

“Bullshit Ray, if you actually bothered to turn up tonight you would have heard the song I wrote for you. The song I wrote while I was supposedly cheating on you. You would’ve heard just how much you mean to me, how much I hated being apart .. but you couldn’t even give me that.”

Ray saw the hurt in the statement but he didn’t care. Sand didn’t have the right to be hurt, not after what he did. 

Ray pushed Sand harshly out of the way of the door and forced his way into the apartment. He didn’t care that he had slammed his boyfriend hard into the wooden frame, or that Sand had banged his shoulder against it. Sand drew in a sharp painful breath before sighing to himself as he watched Ray stumble his way into the apartment. He gritted his teeth as he  followed him inside, rubbing his painful shoulder. 

If Sand thought Ray was done for the night he was sadly mistaken. “As if you would have even known I was there. Tonight wasn’t about me, all you talked about was the music executive being there.” Ray snapped over his shoulder as he headed for the side table hosting an array of whiskey bottles.

“You’re such a dick Ray, I wrote the song for you, so you would know how much I love you. I wanted you to hear it so we could stop all this.” 

“Well, I’m sure your “fans” enjoyed it.” Sand glared as Ray made the air quotes before throwing himself down on the sofa and unscrewing the lid of the bottle. 

“They did, if you must know, they said it was my best work. Apparently, a breaking heart is all I need to write a hit song, so I guess I should thank you for that!”

“Don’t try guilt me Sand, you caused all this, not me. Did you really think I was going to listen to a song, and then all would be forgiven. I’m sure you had enough people there shouting encouragement. What did you need me for?” Ray poured the amber liquid into the glass and brought it to his mouth. 

“So having P’Yo and Nick there is supposed to make up for my boyfriend skipping it so he could make out with some randomers at a party. Get Real! Do you know how embarrassing it was. I came off stage to people asking me who I wrote the incredible song for and what was I supposed to say?! I wrote it for the love of my life but he wasn’t bothered to be here!”

Ray rolled his eyes. “It was just one show Sand, get over it!”

“And should I just get over what you were doing tonight too?  I’m on stage pouring my heart out for you and you’re all over the internet pouring yourself into someone else’s mouth.”

“Well, I guess now you know the feeling of desperately waiting for someone only to find they are all over someone else. Hurts, doesn’t it?” Ray raised an eyebrow in challenge as he drained the glass and looked to refill it again. 

Sand stood near the kitchen and grimaced as he watched his boyfriend destroying himself, destroying their relationship. He felt helpless watching his whole world slip away from him. Inhaling sharply, he gathered his thoughts and words. “Ray please listen to me, I was there just for the music. When I saw you that day, I was so happy. I thought it must be a dream. I missed you so much I couldn’t believe you were really there.”

“I wish I hadn’t been there!” Ray’s words came to Sand like a sharp knife in his heart. They knew no mercy and cut deep. “It was a mistake to think you’d miss me enough to care that I’d flown over there. It was a mistake to think I could trust you.” 

A mistake. The word rang in Sand’s ears and anger rose again. 

“It wasn’t a mistake; I made a mistake by leaving you. I should have known you’d do something like this. I should’ve known you’d start drinking again. It’s you who can’t be trusted!” Sand knew he was speaking out of hurt and anger but he couldn’t stop himself. He gestured at the table containing all the empty and half empty bottles, and gave Ray a look of accusation and disappointment. 

Ray stood up angrily and approached Sand, stopping right in front of him. Sand could feel his hot breath on his skin. His eyes were filled with fire and anger, bloodshot red. Ray poked a finger into Sand’s chest as he spat out his words. “Don’t turn this on me. Whose fault is it that I started drinking again. It’s yours Sand! You abandoned me and flew to another country to play secret happy families with your ex.”

Sand pushed Ray’s hand back, and glared as Ray stumbled almost falling back down on the sofa. Sand turned and headed back for the kitchen, running a frustrated hand through his hair. His body was heating up. His vision was blurry and the whole world seemed like it was closing in on him. He leaned his back against the sink and placed his hands on the counter as he steadied himself against the overwhelming frustration.  No matter what he said, Ray wasn’t listening at all. “I didn’t do anything with Boeing. I’ve told you 100 times that he just helped get me connected to the studio over there and that’s all, why won’t you believe me!”

“Because I know what I saw! Boeing was pretty comfortable putting his hands on you and it didn’t exactly look like you were trying to fight him off.”

Sand sighed, exasperated having to go through all of this again. He lowered his tone in the hopes Ray would hear him clearly this time. “Look, maybe Boeing had other intentions Ray, I don’t know, and I don’t care, but I didn’t do anything wrong, and I was never going to. I wasn’t there to hurt you.”

Ray scoffed and turned his back on Sand. The anger rose again in Sand’s chest at Ray’s lack of willingness to listen. He pushed himself angrily away from the counter and shouted his hurt at Ray. 

“But you Ray, you did this to hurt me, you made sure I saw what you were doing! Posting videos all over Instagram. Partying, doing coke, kissing some other guy, what the fuck did you think was going to happen when I saw that.”

“You weren’t supposed to see, it’s not my fault Boston posted the videos.” Ray shrugged nonchalantly before he stumbled across the living room to lean against the side table. Now at opposite sides of the apartment the gulf between them was bigger then it had ever been.

“Not your fault! Ray have you any idea how embarrassing it was to stand there having Nick show me the evidence of what you were up to?!”

“Of course it was Nick! He just can’t stay out of it.” 

“Oh, I can’t blame Mew, but you can blame Nick?! I had to sit with him in car, driving over there while he apologised. Imagine Ray he was apologising for showing me what you were doing. But you won’t even apologise for what you were doing.” 

“Why should I apologise, I was just doing what you did to me!”

“Why should you apologise are you seriously asking that?! Ray you were half naked in bed with some guy, kissing him and some girl, but you’re right no need to apologise.” Sand couldn’t withhold the sarcasm. He was too hurt to care what he said now. 

“You should apologise for ruining our fun.” Ray mocked Sand’s hurt. 

“I ruined your fun! You’re such a dick, you made sure I would find out. Stop punishing me for something I didn’t fucking do.”

Ray turned and firmly stated “I already said, I didn’t know Boston was posting the videos. Now it’s you that’s not listening.” He turned back to the table and picked up a bottle of whiskey to examine the contents. “To be honest I didn’t think you had any time to pay any attention to what I was doing.”

“Oh so because I’m busy trying to start a career here,  it's okay for you to try a threesome.” 

Ray slammed the bottle down, angry at the accusation. “Stop being dramatic, nothing happened Sand, I only kissed them.” 

“No nothing happened but only because I stopped it and if I hadn’t, how much further were you prepared to go?! You were already locked in a room with them Ray. Were you just hoping someone would show up on time before the real show began.”

Ray poured a drink slowly and turned back to Sand “You’re the only one that likes to put on shows Sand. It's all about you and your career, you don’t care about anyone or anything else.”

“How can you keep saying that?” Sand threw his arms in the air, frustrated. “The first thing I did when I got back from Japan was go find you.. And it wasn’t hard, still in the same bar, still with the same loud group of friends still doing the same stupid shit as before. Nothing changes.”

“Well if you had bothered to tell me you were coming back….”

“Well if you had bothered to pick up the phone when I tried.”

“Are you honestly still mad that I wouldn’t leave that night? It’s been weeks, Sand! 

Sand fumed as he closed the distance between them “ I had just flown for hours and arrived back to find you drunk out of your mind, barely able to stand. Mew begged me to come home for you, but you didn’t even give a shit when I did, you wouldn’t even leave the bar!”

“I was having fun, remember fun Sand you used to have it.”

“Having fun? Were you, Ray? It didn't look like fun. If you had seen the way your friends were looking at you would have known they were there out of pity. You  don’t know this but remember when I took that drink from you and you stormed off outside like a scolded child. Your friends begged me to help you. Begged Ray. They could see what you were doing to yourself, and they couldn’t help you because you won’t listen to anyone like the spoiled brat you are.” 

“That’s right Sand, I don’t listen, I’m just a burden to everyone.” Ray walked around to the sofa and sat himself down again and looked deep into the whiskey glass. The only thing in his life he felt he could trust now. 

“Don’t play that card, I never said you were a burden.”

“You didn’t have to. You wanted to get away from me.  You wanted to stay away because that’s what made you happy.” Ray's words were sad. His lips quivering and hands trembling. It was hard for him to hold the tears that were burning the back of his eyes but he swore he wouldn’t lose tonight. Inhaling sharply, he looked away, trying to calm down his nerves. “Well, I am not your burden or your responsibility anymore. I am giving you the chance to walk away now! I can manage my life on my own.” 

“I am not going anywhere Ray, so stop saying that.” Sand said through a clenched jaw and gritted teeth, moving to stand in front of Ray. 

“Do you know what that asshole told me?” Ray scoffed as he looked up to make eye contact finally. “He found me that night in Japan and do you know what he fucking told me? He told me: “Sand can’t trust you with his future.  He can’t depend on you. He feels  responsible for you. Just a burden he can’t get rid of. He’s happier now, can’t you see that? Being away from you has finally made him happy. He’s so close to achieving his dreams and you turn up ready to ruin it all for him.”

“What are you talking about, I never said any of that to him. When did you even talk to Boeing.”

“Oh, he didn’t tell you, he found me waiting for a taxi to the airport and he had a lot to say about you and your feelings.”

“Ray listen, whatever he said wasn’t true I never spoke to him about you. I don’t know why he would say all that.”  Sand sat down on the coffee table and faced his boyfriend hoping to get his words through.. 

“Doesn’t matter what he said I saw everything through your actions.” Ray leaned forward, holding the crystal glass in one hand.  “You never bothered to reply to my messages, never returned my calls. When I did get you, you couldn’t be bothered to stay on the phone for more than five minutes.”

Ray leaned back against the sofa, moving further away from Sand, taking another sip before he continued,  “You were  planning to leave me, you were trying to phase me out of your life. It was obvious.”

“That’s not fair and it’s not true. I responded to all your texts, and I answered or returned all of your calls. All of them.”

“More lies sand, I can prove it. Do I need to prove it.”

“Yes Ray prove it because I replied to them all, why the fuck would I not.” 

Ray angrily searched his jacket pocket for his phone before shoving it in Sand’s face. Sand opened up their chat and  scrolled up the messages from a few weeks ago. His face scrunched in confusion as he saw some of the messages for the first time. Ray snatched his phone back, “See the messages Sand, every night,  not responded to.”

Sand grabbed the phone back and looked through the messages more closely, before taking in the hurt expression engrained across Ray’s face. “Look Ray I honestly don’t know what happened, but I didn’t get those messages. Look at my phone, they are not there.”

Sand opened the chat on his phone and showed Ray that the messages didn’t exist on his side. He looked deep into Ray’s eyes urging him to believe him. Ray glanced through the messages and shrugged his shoulders, clearly not believing Sand’s version of events. 

“I used to leave my phone outside the studio when we were recording, maybe they got deleted by accident. I don’t know, but I replied to the ones I got. I wasn’t trying to abandon you.”

Sand gently took the glass out of Ray’s hand and placed it beside him on the coffee table. Taking both of Ray’s hands in his, he shifted closer to his boyfriend before raising Ray’s hands and kissing them. “Ray,  I missed you so much. Please, I want you to believe that I was only trying to do something for me, for us, so that I wouldn’t have to rely on you forever, there was nothing else going on.”

Ray pulled his hands away and picked up the glass. “You were right the first time, It wasn’t for us; it was all for you. It was your dream Sand, and I was never going to be a part of it. You can keep telling me what you think I want to hear, but I was there Sand I know what was happening, Japan was all about you.”

Frustrated yet again, Sand stood up abruptly and stormed across the living room before quickly turning, “So what if I was trying to do something for me, you know how much I did for you. Helping you through rehab, trying to get you sober, putting up with your withdrawals, all that bullshit. If I put myself through all that for you, why the hell would I try and leave you. I wanted you with me and sober but you’ve fucked all that up now, look at you. A drunken mess again. High as fuck again.  But getting off with strangers, well at least that’s new. You know you keep fighting about Boeing, Ray, but how are you any better, he cheated on me, made me feel like shit and look who’s doing the same thing.” 

“Do not compare me to him!” Ray spat as he jumped up. The anger inside him swelling from the accusation.  

It was Sand’s turn to turn his back on Ray, he braced his hands against the wall and took a deep breath., before he spoke his sad truth. “I can’t keep going around in circles about this Ray. Nothing..Happened! I’m tired of saying it and I’m tired of cleaning up your mess. You need to go back to rehab. I can’t keep fighting with you everyday about the same things. This apartment is turning into a prison.”

“A prison?!” Ray grabbed Sand and made him turn and face him. 

“Yes Ray a prison! This is supposed to be my home but I feel like I’m trapped here.  Everything has to be your way or there’s a fight.I can’t keep doing this. It needs to stop.” His statement was as heavy as the feeling rising in his chest. 

“No Sand. You need to stop. Stop trying to tell me how to live my life.” Ray retaliated, hurt that Sand was acting like a trapped animal. 

“What life Ray?  You’re barely existing. The fridge is just a mini bar now. The apartment is a mess, bottles everywhere and you just carry on the same destructive pattern everyday.  You don’t come home at night. I have to call Mew or Boston and find out where you’ve passed out. I’ve told you I’m sorry for not telling you about Boeing but how much longer are you going to do this.”

“That’s right Sand this is all my doing, it’s always my fault.” Ray turned and walked away leaving Sand standing alone. 

Sand followed Ray as he pleaded “Why won’t you believe me. You’re the one I want, not him. It was never going to be him again, please stop pushing me away.” 

“I’m not pushing you away, you pulled yourself away the second you got on that plane.” Ray grabbed another near empty bottle from the side table but Sand had seen enough. It was hard enough to make Ray see sense sober, but Ray getting more drunk was getting them nowhere. 

 “Enough Ray!” Sand demanded as he tried to grab the bottle out of his hand. Ray pulled away but the glass he was holding slipped and shattered into pieces on the tiled floor. Ray looked at it and then at Sand before raising the bottle as if to say “cheers”  and proceeded to drain the last drop from it. He arrogantly held out the empty bottle to Sand. 

Sand stopped still, he didn’t recognise this version of Ray. He had seen him drunk before. Incoherent, argumentative, but never cruel. Sand’s soul was crushed witnessing his boyfriend treat him with such contempt. 

“Why are you doing this to yourself, to us?” Sand’s voice was fragile when he grabbed the empty bottle away from Ray. He bent down on his knees and began picking up the pieces of yet another broken glass, broken at the hands of a drunk incapable of holding onto anything that required care. 

Stopping mid-way, he realized it wasn’t just the glass that was shattered into pieces, his heart was too and here he was picking it up off the floor again. Ray stood there merely an onlooker, watching the process repeat itself over and over again without a care for the outcome. 

Angry tears fought their way forward and he cracked.

“Do you want me to hate you, Ray? Is that it?  Do you want me to leave? Do you think I can do this forever?”

“You won’t leave, Sand.” The short statement was calm, but sharp and cold. It pierced Sand’s heart like a shard of ice. 

“You think I won’t?”  Sand challenged sadly. 

Ray scoffed as he reached over Sand for a new bottle of whiskey amongst the empty ones and gulped down a good amount of the hot burning drink, letting the alcohol fog his mind even more. His drunk heart now as hard as stone enabled him to continue the verbal onslaught without care for the hurt his words would cause. 

“You always stay, Sand, that’s what you do. People use you, get bored, find something better and then; They leave you. But you, you never leave. You accept anything that people throw at you and you always stay, like a loyal puppy.”

Ray bent down to where Sand still kneeled on the ground, placed a hand under his chin, forcing Sand to look at him. 

“You’ll never change Sand.”

Ray laughed as he pushed Sand’s face away, straightened up and took another swig from the bottle as he walked away. 

That was all Sand needed to hear to feel his whole world collapsing. The last straw, the breaking point! Sand had felt it coming but until now he had kept it at bay but not anymore. “You think I can’t change Ray, well this is it I’m done” Sand stood up throwing the glass back onto the floor, abandoning the mess to follow Ray to the bedroom. Ray lay on the bed, holding the whiskey bottle close, like a child clutching their favourite teddy bear. He observed as Sand followed him into the room and stood angrily in the doorway. 

“Okay Sand! Do it! Show me this incredible change you are going to make.”  

“Fuck you Ray, do what you want from now on because I won’t be here!”

“Are you going to run back to Boeing, gonna complain about me some more?” Ray mumbled as he slowly succumbed to the alcohol flooding his system. Sand turned to open their shared closet. 

“No Ray, I’ll go somewhere neither of you can find me ever again. This is it. I can’t do this anymore. You’ve made it clear that I’m responsible for destroying your life, causing all your misery. I’m apparently the reason you drink so much. I can’t stay with someone who thinks that way about me.”

Sand waited for a response but none came. He turned around and sighed deeply as his eyes fell on Ray’s unconscious body. He watched him for a few moments before quietly walking over and sitting next to Ray. He swept the hair from Ray’s eyes to see his face clearly.  The anger and venom had left Ray’s face, replaced by the serenity of sleep. 

For the first time tonight, Sand recognised his boyfriend. Sand bent over and kissed his forehead for the last time. He managed to sit up before his tears fell on Ray’s cheek and disturbed him. 

“I love you so much. I wish you could see it.” Sand whispered into the sleeping ear before caressing his cheek one last time. 

He packed his clothes and essential possessions into a duffel bag in silence. He checked sadly around the apartment one last time for anything he might have missed when he spotted his cup at the sink. He contemplated taking it but Ray had bought it for him as a joke anniversary present. It didn’t feel right to take it now. 

Sand placed his bag by the front door and headed back into the bedroom to Ray. He sighed as he gently rolled Ray onto his side. It would be his last act of kindness, to ensure Ray didn’t choke in his sleep. He knelt down in front of the bed and whispered his goodbye. 

“I’m sorry Ray. I’m sorry that I can’t save you or us this time. There’s no choice left. One of us has to leave before we destroy each other for good.” Sand picked up Ray’s hand and softly kissed Ray’s palm. 

“Please don’t look for me. Forget about me. Find someone who can make you happy.” Each word cut another wound into his already damaged heart. As he felt his heart bleeding, Sand knew if he didn’t leave now there would soon be nothing left of him.

Sand gently placed his ex-boyfriends hand back on the bed and stood up. 

He didn’t look back as he walked across their apartment, picked up his bag, opened the front door and walked out. 

The door slowly closed behind him, shutting him off from Ray for the last time. 

🎵 

Chapter Text

🎵 

“You shouldn’t be here!” Ray stammered. 

“And where should I be?” 

“Home!”

“You’re right and that’s exactly where I am.”  

The statement was firm. Delivered with a fierce determination. The visitors’ shoes were kicked off in an act of defiance. He was not leaving. 

In this world, there are some decisions we are forced to make. Life changing decisions. And right now, at this moment, Ray wished Sand had made a smarter decision. But here he was. Standing in front of him once again, looking exactly like he had done when they parted. Ray expecting their goodbye to be the last time he would see him for a long time had imprinted Sand’s image to his memory. The only stark difference between then and now was the expression etched across Sand’s face. 

A loud silence filled the space as a million unspoken thoughts passed between them. Sand’s statement hung in the air. Stood at opposite sides of the apartment, neither moved, neither spoke, neither wanted to acknowledge the truth in the words just spoken. 

Ray cracked first. It had been hard enough to do the right thing once today; if he allowed Sand to say anything more, he wouldn’t have the strength to do it a second time. He needed Sand to leave and leave now. 

Ray wordlessly marched across the apartment refusing to look at his ex-boyfriend, his gaze fixed firmly on the front door. He roughly grabbed Sand’s arm as he passed by and proceeded to drag him along. Sand shocked by the sudden action didn’t have time to respond and stumbled behind him. With one hand, Ray swiftly opened the front door and did his best to pull Sand to the exit. 

Sand’s body finally caught up to what was happening, and he firmly pinned his feet to the floor, stopping them both from going any further. Ray shot an angry look back at Sand as he pulled him harder, but Sand wouldn’t bulge an inch. Instead of allowing himself to be pulled to the door, he altered the course of events and pulled Ray sharply into him. 

Ray fell forward but managed to place arm out and brace it against Sand’s chest preventing himself from being pulled in too close. Too close was dangerous territory. Ray fumed as looked up at Sand. 

“Have you lost your mind?! Go home to Summer Sand. We already decided this!” Ray tried to pull himself away from Sand’s grasp, but Sand was stronger. Sand harshly pulled him in even closer and lowered his face so now they were eye to eye. Ray’s breathing was angry and shallow. The adrenaline that pumped through his system taking over, but he couldn’t break the fierce eye contact with between them. 

Sand lowered his voice as he leaned in further, “No Ray! You decided, I wasn’t given much of a choice.”

The anger swelled in Ray’s chest. Angry at Sand’s stupidity and stubbornness. How could Sand let go of his chance to walk away. Instead, here he was, walking straight into hell with his own feet yet again. Ray reached deep inside himself for a second time. 

 “You said you wouldn’t do this again, wouldn’t let me ruin everything for you again. So don’t do it. Leave now. Go home to her. Please, Sand. Just this once let me do the right thing!” 

He struggled to push Sand back and increase the painfully close distance between them. As Ray pulled back, he hit against the open door, and it slammed shut. Sand seized the opportunity and pushed Ray until his back collided with the solid surface. Sand invaded the space left between them. He grabbed Rays hands and pinned them by his side against the door. His figure towered over Ray, but Ray refused to back down, at least physically. 

“No Ray, I’m tired of people deciding things for me. You, Summer, even Nick! I’m done with people telling me what I must do, I make my own choices from now on.”

Sand leaned forward as if he was going to kiss him, and Ray froze, every cell in his body went on immediate high alert. This couldn’t happen, not now. 

“Don’t do this, please!” Ray pleaded as he cast his gaze downwards, refusing to meet Sand’s eyes. Under Sand’s intense stare, he felt the resolve starting to dissolve inside of him. For the first time, Ray was scared that if he dared to look at Sand, to look into those eyes, he wouldn’t be capable of letting Sand walk away.

Sand bit down on his lip as he raised Ray’s hands to his chest and pressed them into himself.  “Do you really want me to leave?” Sand asked softly as he leaned his forehead against Ray’s. 

Ray stayed quiet, only his laboured breathing was loud. His heart and his head gave opposing answers, but his mouth delivered none. 

“Answer me, Ray.” Sand urged quietly as he intertwined their fingers and moved them lower, removing any barrier between them. Ray closed his eyes. His heart screamed at him to answer. 

“Ray, look at me.” Sand let go of one of Ray’s hands and raised his own to Ray’s face. He placed his index finger under Ray’s chin, before forcing it upwards. Ray was forced to open his eyes and meet the eye contact. The hand that was on Ray’s chin slid down, his long fingers wrapped around the soft area of Ray’s neck, his thumb gently caressed over his jaw line. Ray could feel the goosebumps rising on his body and for a moment he forgot himself. 

Ray reached up and placed his hand over Sand’s heart. He was so close to giving in he could feel it in every nerve. He wanted so much to make the right decision but having Sand here declaring the word’s he had so longed to hear were destroying his resolution second by second. Without breaking eye contact, Sand removed his hand from Ray’s face and placed it over the hand splayed gently against his chest. He curled his hand around Ray’s keeping it pinned over his heart. 

Ray could feel the tears coming and broke the intense eye contact to stare instead at the hands held in front of him. All he could focus on was the tattoo circling Sand’s finger. Reality hit, as much as he wanted it to be, this wasn’t the only ring Sand possessed. 

Ray’s head urged him to try once last time for Sand to see sense, to let him do the right thing. He had tried anger, tried pleading but now it was time to be cruel, if that’s what it took.”

He looked back to Sand, turning his face cold, hiding his real emotions, “You need to leave and don’t forget to send me a wedding invitation!” Ray suddenly pulled his hand free and pushed Sand forcefully back. 

“I won’t be used as an excuse because you’re getting cold feet about marrying Summer.” Ray paced across the apartment floor to get some space. He didn’t want to, but his head thought this next action might push Sand to finally see sense. Ray reached for a bottle of whiskey and a glass. He poured a drink but didn’t raise the glass, instead he turned to Sand still where he left him at the door. “Get out Sand! Go home! I thought we could at least be friends, but I was wrong. There is nothing left between us!” 

Ray turned his back on Sand, placing one hand against the wall in front of him and with the other he raised the glass but didn’t bring it fully to his lips. He desperately waited for the sound of an opening door, but it didn’t come. What did come was the sound of approaching footsteps. 

Sand’s hand wrapped around his waist, pressing his body against Ray’s, pushing him closer against the wall. Ray didn’t resist as Sand grabbed the untouched drink from his hand and put it down loudly on the bookshelf beside them. When his empty hand returned it went to Ray’s neck, wrapped itself around and pushed Ray’s face upwards. Ray could feel Sand’s hot breath against his cheek, could feel Sand’s arm and hand holding him firmly. He closed his eyes and urged his breathing to steady itself. The only thing stopping Ray from being pushed completely into the wall was own trembling arm. 

“Are you really going to watch me get married to someone else? Someone who isn’t you?” Sand growled his questions in a low deep voice beside Ray’s ear. “We both know what you are trying to do, but it’s not working Ray, I told you I’m making my own choices now.”

Ray gulped at Sand’s intensity, no one could ever make him feel this vulnerable and yet safe at the same time. 

Ray’s mind raced. He should just push Sand away. Should tell him to forget about all they had together. Should tell him he would watch him getting married to someone else. Should tell him that he could live his life without him! 

He should tell him all these things.

He Should... 

“Answer me, Ray!” The hand around his neck tightened and Ray lost it. 

“What do you want me to say? Please Sand, don’t go to your fiancée?” The words burst from his chest unable to keep his emotions under control any longer. His cheeks burned, from desire or frustration he didn’t know, and he didn’t care, all he knew was in this moment he felt like a balloon ready to explode. Sand was so close he could feel every sensation of his body, and he couldn’t think straight anymore. He let his emotions take over and whatever would happen would happen. 

The words continued to rush out of his mouth before his brain could catch up to what he was saying. “You want me to ruin your perfect life? You want me to say that I am so selfish, and I can’t let you go? That I want you so badly, I can’t think straight when you are this close to me.”

The truth sparked a desire that rushed through Ray’s body, an urgency within his core to see Sand. To see his face as he heard the words. He pushed back from the wall and spun his body around. He grabbed Sand by his shirt and pulled him close. Their mouths nearly upon each other with only a hairs breath separating them. Ray lowered his tone, his words no longer rushed or loud. 

“Is that what you want to hear from me, Sand? Ray could feel Sand’s heavy breathing next to his. Neither of them pulled away. Ray moved his hand and wrapped it slowly around Sand’s neck. Sand closed his eyes at the touch and only opened them again when Ray continued.“Or, that I love you so much, I’m terrified if you do walk out the door, that I won’t survive losing you.”

Sand breath hitched in his chest as he answered “Yes, Ray. All of it. I need to hear you feel the same.”

Whatever Ray had wanted to say next wasn’t important anymore. 

Words weren’t important anymore. 

Words, thoughts, everything else dissolved into a hidden dimension in his mind. 

With barely a pause between his words and actions Sand’s lips furiously captured his and the sensation occupied all of Ray’s senses. Lost in the moment, the intense feeling of electricity raced through his body, every nerve in his body was on fire. There was no extinguishing this inferno. He let himself be consumed. 

Sand’s tongue hungrily licked against his lips, seeking permission to invade and who was he to deny entry. Desperate for more, he let Sand’s tongue part his lips, conquering his mouth. He roughly grabbed Sand’s waist and dragged him closer, Sand’s hand slid to the back of his neck before fisting itself through Ray’s hair. A low moan escaped his mouth and into Sand’s as he felt the next two actions at once, Sand grinded mercilessly into him at the same dragging his head backwards by his fisted hair, granting full access to the willing mouth. 

It was nothing like the kisses they had shared at the beach. Or the kiss they exchanged at the studio. This one wasn’t mixed with confusion or pain. It was Love. Passion. Desperation. Desire. Everything at once. A wordless confession. 

Sand broke away first. Ray inhaled sharply as he felt a forehead lean against his own. The atmosphere between them tense, filled with heavy breathing, both gasping for much needed oxygen. Ray kept his eyes closed in anticipation of the inevitable. Waiting for Sand to back out, waiting for him to apologise, to run, to disappear again. 

“Are you sure this is where you want to be?” Ray’s mind begged him to say the words aloud, seeking confirmation. His muscles froze for a moment in fear.

Sand lifted his head away and Ray prepared himself for what was coming. He refused to move or open his eyes; he couldn’t bear to witness this all over again. 

He breath suddenly caught in his throat as he felt Sand’s soft lips descend on his sensitive neck, leaving a trail of gentle kisses in their wake. As the tender kisses reached his collar bone, he felt the nip of teeth on skin, and it was all the confirmation he needed. 

This time, Ray didn’t hold back. He wrapped his arm around Sand’s neck, and dragged him in for another bruising, oxygen deprived kiss. Met with zero resistance. Sand willingly allowed himself to be devoured. Tongues danced, swirled, caressed each other to the rhythm of their owners’ thumping hearts. Sand’s hands roamed to Ray’s shirt and pulled it from its home. Once neatly tucked into Rays jeans, his shirt now pushed up carelessly up his chest as Sand’s hands demanded to feel, grab the hot skin beneath.   Ray pushed his hips forward and Sand moaned as the sensation of Ray’s cock rubbing desperately against his own overwhelmed him. 

“Bedroom” Sand breathed against Ray’s lips. It wasn’t a question. 

Sand grabbed Ray’s hand and pulled him away from the wall and pushed him backwards down the short hall towards the bedroom. But it was too far to go without contact. 

Ray slammed Sand against the wall and pulled the musician’s t-shirt from over his head. Shirtless, Sand threw his head back against the wall as Ray ran his hands down his bare chest before arriving at his bulging jeans. Ray pressed his hand against the concealed package and watched as Sand hissed through his teeth. Sand looked at the ceiling, begging his knees to stay strong. Ray started his slow decent at Sand’s neck, swapping between kissing the bare skin and biting at it softly all the while continuing the slow circles of pleasure with his palm. 

As he reached Sand’s navel he bit harder seeking Sands’s full attention. Sand brought his head back to look at the mouth attacking him, Ray held firm eye contact as he slowly sank to his knees. Sand’s mouth hung open with anticipation, unable to look away, his breathing shallow as Ray's experienced hands reached for the buttons. His dick struggled for release from their denim prison. Sand splayed his hands against the wall behind as Ray worked to free him, afraid if he touched Ray the spell, he was under would be broken.   

His longing had already left a damp patch on his underwear and Sand almost stopped breathing when Ray leaned forward and ran his tongue over the circle of wet material all the time watching for Sand’s reaction. Sand closed his mouth and swallowed hard.  The fiery look in Ray’s eyes burned into Sand’s soul as the elastic band of his underwear was pulled down exposing him to the cool air and Ray’s delicate fingers. 

Ray’s intense upwards gaze continued as he moved forward and brought Sand’s throbbing dick to his lips. He opened his mouth slightly and his tongue reached out to leave the barest of touches against the glistening tip. Sand opened his mouth in reaction, but no noise came out only the exhale of a short, held breath. 

Spurred on knowing that his effect on Sand was as powerful as it always was, Ray licked his top lip slowly, a tease of what was to come. Still holding Sand’s full attention, Ray moved forward and slid his lips down the length of the awaiting dick, taking all of Sand into his warm mouth. As he began his slow withdrawal, he allowed his tongue to run along the underneath creating a delicious pressure, lips alone couldn’t create. 

“Fuck” Sand whispered as his hands turned to fists against the wall. He couldn’t look anymore he leaned his head against the wall again as Ray continued his mercilessly slow torture. Sand could only allow Ray a few passes before he knew they needed to move. If they stayed like this much longer Sand would fuck him here in the hall and he wasn’t prepared to let the night end so quickly. He had waited too long. 

He watched Ray slide back along his wet dick one last time before reaching down and grabbing Ray under the arms and hauling him to his feet. Sand turned him to face the bedroom door before sinking his teeth into Ray’s exposed neck. Momentarily, breaking his contact against the tender skin Sand whispered “Bedroom, now”. 

Ray moved towards the bedroom with Sand still wrapped around him, only pausing at the closed door to turn back to look Sand, a last chance for Sand to change his mind. A change that didn’t come. Sand rushed to kiss him and in one swift movement, his hand grabbed Ray around the waist and with the other twisted the handle behind Ray, expertly opening the door and pushing the pair into the dark room. A long-forgotten dance suddenly revived. 

Without breaking the kiss, Sand reached his hand left and flicked one light switch allowing the lower light setting to light up the dark space. 

Ray pulled back, “Nicely remembered” he challenged with a raised eyebrow, still held firmly in his lover’s grasp. 

“I remember a lot of things, allow me to demonstrate.” Sands tone was low, dangerous, Ray felt his dick twitch eagerly at the words.  Sliding his tongue back into Ray’s mouth, Sand earned a low groan that vibrated into his soul. Impatiently, he pushed Ray backwards further into the dimly lit room. As they stumbled backwards both refused to release their grip on each other. Hands roamed freely, desperate to feel every inch of each other, so long forbidden. 

Frustrated at being denied full access to Ray’s body, Sand roughly pulled off Ray's top, and flung it carelessly to the floor before resuming his relentless onslaught of Ray’s mouth. Struggling to reach the bed safely, the intertwined pair, bumped into bedside table causing the contents to fall loudly to the floor, the items might as well have fallen silently for all the distraction they caused. They only stopped when the edge of the bed hit against Ray’s knees.  

A small squeal escaped Ray’s mouth when Sand ran his hands down his hips and came to a rest on the back of his thighs. Sand quickly picked him up and Ray eagerly wrapped his legs around Sand. Ray draped his hands around Sand’s shoulders and used them as purchase to move his body, grinding up and down against Sand’s awaiting dick, extracting the most elicit moan from Sand. 

“I guess I’m not the only one who remembers.” Sand smirked as he moved forward and climbed onto the bed on his knees, still holding Ray firmly around him. Having positioned them adequately in the middle of the bed, Sand ran his hands up Ray’s arms until he reached the hands closed behind his neck and released them causing Ray to fall back on the bed with Sand placed perfectly between his thighs. 

 “I haven’t been thrown in bed for so long.” The corner of Ray’s lips stretched upward in a sly smirk as he pushed himself up on his elbows watching as Sand remove the expensive belt that had been circling his hips. 

Sand climbed over Ray, belt still in hand and placed one knee on each of Ray’s hands trapping them. Sand looked down at Ray, a menacing glint in his eye.  

“Are you sure you haven’t been thrown in bed for so long?” Sand asked in a low demanding voice, running the leather belt across the exposed chest beneath him. Ray’s toes curled at the sensation. He groaned from how low Sand’s voice was. Trapped and with the mild threat of the belt, he confessed quickly. 

Sand began to trail the belt across his nipple and Ray cracked “Okay, okay remember the night you picked up …” 

Sand eyes darkened at the thought of Ray with anyone else. He planted his hands on either side of Ray’s head. “And did he kiss you like this?”

His lips attacked Ray’s jawline, his tongue trailed up to Ray’s ear and sucked a blushing earlobe into his mouth. A strangled moan escaped Ray’s throat and he trembled as shivers slide down his spine. Ray had missed this Sand so much. No one had been able to fill the void left behind. No one managed to excite him as much as Sand could. Always the unexpected. 

“I don't remember.” Ray pleaded, feeling Sand’s cold fingers running over his neck, down his chest until his fingers found his hard nipple. Another moan skipped Ray’s throat when Sand rolled it between his thumb and index. 

“Answer me, Ray” Sand murmured in the same low seductive tone, before he moved to lick once across the pink nipple held firm in his fingers and then blew gently on the now wet skin. The feeling of the cool breath against Ray’s sensitive skin instantly raised goosebumps and his back arched without instruction. His hands struggled for release under Sand’s knees, but Sand was not ready to give up his position, not yet, not without the confession. 

“I only remember that I was thinking about you the whole time.” Ray panted, between short breaths. So turned on he could barely draw a full breath into his chest. 

“Hmmm.” Sand murmured resuming his trail of kisses down Ray’s neck until reaching the strained muscle in his shoulder. Attacked with teeth and tongue, biting, sucking deep, Sand didn’t stop until he had left his mark.

His kisses moved down to Ray’s chest; his tongue ran against the soft honey skin until he reached the place above Ray’s thumping heart. He looked up at Ray. The pause caused Ray to raise his head to meet the steely eye contact, “I will erase every memory you have.” Sand challenged as he leaned down and kissed the skin over Ray’s heart. Ray released the breath he had been holding as we watched. Sand raised his head and moved his face back close to Ray’s; He lined up their desperate mouths once again. He leaned forward and whispered, “I will replace them all with memories of us again.” Ray roughly pulled his hands free from beneath Sand and grabbed the face hovering above his and pulled him down into a hungry kiss. 

Sand pulled away and grabbed Ray’s hands from his face. “You aren’t patient, are you?” Smirking and  shaking his head in mock disapproval. Sand captured Ray’s pouty lips into a soft tender kiss. “Let me have you slowly. I want to enjoy every part of you.”

Sand used his hips to grind against Ray in a slow tease of a prize being withheld. 

Ray pouted in protest, “Sand…”

“If you won’t behave Ray, I’ll have to make you.” Sand pinned Ray’s hands above his head and secured them with one of his own. With the other hand he grabbed the forgotten belt and dangled it in front of Ray. Sand leaned down beside Ray’s ear and bit it harshly before whispering, “Don’t make me tie you up, cause I will gladly do so”. Ray’s instant reaction was to hiss and reach out for Sand, but he managed to show restraint.  As much as the thought of being tied up excited something deep in Ray, it was not for tonight, tonight he needed the use of his hands, needed to be able to touch Sand, feel every part of Sand here with him. 

Sand tested the threat and pulled his hand away. Ray like a good boy kept his hands resting above his head and was rewarded with a nod of approval and a soft kiss that Ray longed to deepen but didn’t dare. “Don’t move,” Sand warned and resumed leaving tender wet kisses down Ray’s neck, jaw, chest, and kept moving down until he reached his favourite tattoo. Visible just above the hem of Ray’s jeans, Sand delicately ran his tongue across the words as his hands worked to quickly to open the jean buttons straining against the hard dick enclosed within. 

“Hips up.” Sand’s order sent excitement down Ray’s limbs as he hurried to follow the command. Sand crawled backwards off Ray pulling the unwelcome jeans and underwear with him, leaving Ray completely naked on the bed. 

Sand smirked seeing how hard and dripping Ray was for him. His own dick twitched at the sight. He ached to taste the hot liquid threatening to spill, but he wouldn’t give it to him just yet. He wanted to see Ray squirm and wriggle underneath him first. He wanted Ray to beg for mercy.  He would never admit it, but Ray was the only partner that ever saw this side of him, and he craved it now more than ever.  Seeing his Ray lying in front of him, beautiful, naked, waiting to be ravished, ignited a fire deep inside Sand’s system. His own impatience reached breaking point. 

“Turn over!” Sand commanded. 

As Ray followed his order, Sand admired the beauty before him. Ray’s ass clenched in anticipation and Sand unable to control himself bent down and bit the tender flesh. Ray moaned into the pillow at the unexpected pain. 

Sand grasped Ray by the hips and pulled him upwards until he was kneeling up in front of him. Ray leaned his head back against Sand’s shoulder as he felt himself being wrapped in strong arms.  Ray could feel Sand’s cock pressing into his back and he wanted so much to reach his hand behind and touch it. Instead, he moved his two hands behind his back and braced them against Sand’s still clothed thighs. He ran his hands as high as he dared before moving them lower again. Rewarded for his restraint, Sand buried himself in the pale skin of his neck and bit down gently.  

“Open your eyes, Ray.” Dragged reluctantly back to the present, Ray opened his eyes and heat rushed through his cheeks at the sight in front of him. He gulped at the reflection of himself, naked, his dick hard against his abdomen, a hand caressing over his chest, a different hand wrapped around his neck holding his head firmly in place. He had totally forgotten that this mirror existed. 

“Don’t look away.” Sand whispered in his left ear and Ray’s breath hitched in his chest, his hard member twitched against him at the instruction. 

Sand used the hand on Ray’s chin and tilted his head to the side easing the access to his neck. He buried his face in Ray’s neck, determined to mark every piece of skin he could find. Sand worked down from under his ears to shoulders and paused when he reached the tattoo that matched is own. He ran a delicate finger over the words before kissing it gently. 

“No matter what.” Sand murmured, feeling Ray shiver under his touch. 

“No matter where.” Ray whimpered as Sand slid his hand down the length of his body. From his shoulder, down to his chest and the side of his body to his hips, achingly close to where Ray desperately wanted to be touched. “Sand please.” 

“I love the way you look right now.” Sand breathed into Ray’s ear, earning a small groan of frustration from him. “Tell me what you want me to do.” 

“Touch me. Please. I want you to touch me” Ray begged. He tried to turn around to look at Sand but Sand fixed him into place, turning his face again towards the mirror once again. 

“Don’t look away.” Sand warned, as Ray bit down on his bottom lip in an effort to control himself. “I want you to watch as I make a mess out of you.” 

“Sand…” Ray's whining was interrupted when Sand placed his hand in front of Ray’s mouth. “Lick it,” came the request. Ray slowly ran his tongue across the exposed palm and inhaled sharply as the wet hand moved to encircle his dick. The hand struck up an agonisingly slow rhythm that left Ray trembling for more. Ray’s lips quivered as he tried to contain his moans. “Please Sand, harder..” 

Ray leaned his whole-bod back against Sand’s chest suffering through the slow torture until Sand ran his thumb along the tip of his dick and Ray doubled over from the intense sensation that moved immediately upwards through his core. 

Sand swiftly fisted his hand through Ray’s hair and pulled his head back. “Look at yourself.” Sand whispered and Ray dared to look in the mirror. He couldn’t believe the power Sand had on him. He looked a complete mess, he was slowly being undone, as promised.  His hair was a mess, cheeks red, mouth hung open. His body willingly destroyed in marks, arched backwards, desperate for more of Sand’s touch and his dick pleading for release slipping through the wet hand holding him, saliva mixed with cum allowing for easy passage. 

“Go faster” Ray begged again, and he wished he hadn’t.  Sand immediately let go of his heated member and Ray cried out at the loss of the much-needed friction. Sand was testing him in the most painful way. 

“San—” 

A yelp skipped Ray’s mouth in surprise as Sand suddenly pushed him forward, Ray moved his hands in time and found himself on all fours. His ass now on full display. With his knees, Sand pushed Ray’s legs wider, giving him full access to where he really wanted to be. There was one sure way to fuck Ray up completely and Sand was more than happy to oblige. 

“Don’t look away. Keep watching!” Ray groaned when he looked up, he was still facing the damn mirror! Ray nodded accepting his fate. Expecting a finger, he was about to tell Sand that the lube was still in the same place, but he never got the words out. Ray watched as his own desire spread across his face before shutting his eyes. He couldn’t take it. The pleasure was too much. The sight of Sand holding his hips tightly against his face, drove Ray insane. Sand was using all his strength to pin Ray in place as he sought to devour him. 

His arms nearly buckled beneath him as Sand pulled him apart and wetly caressed the exposed entrance with his tongue. 

“Fuck!” Ray loudly moaned as Sand’s tongue circled slowly around his rim. He dropped from his hands to his elbows when Sand flattened his tongue against his clenched hole and licked upwards and then downwards refusing to increase the pace. Ray buried his head into the bed and bit down on the sheets desperately trying to conceal a scream when Sand moved downwards tracing his wet kisses along his balls before trailing them back to his sensitive hole. 

His whole body trembled as he blurted out “Fuck, I missed this.”

“Hmmm, just this?” Sand hummed, nipping soft kisses across Ray’s ass before returning to torture his wet hole. A hand moved between Ray’s legs and gently stroked his dripping dick as the expert tongue probed at the most sensitive spot.

“Ah You! I’ve missed You!” Ray moaned, his fist clenching on the bed sheets as Sand’s tongue worked its way in and out, flicking against the wet insides. Ray clenched as he felt a finger reach inside him. He bit down harder on the sheets as Sand alternated between using his finger and tongue to push a quivering Ray over the edge. One finger quickly became two and Ray knew this would ruin him if it continued but he couldn’t speak, his brain, overwhelmed with pleasure was shutting down. 

But Sand knew exactly what he was doing. He withdrew his fingers and placed a final kiss on Ray’s ass before sitting back on his heels and admiring the state Ray was in. The state he had put him in. 

Ray moved quickly; he couldn’t take anymore. He sat up, turned and grabbed Sand kissing him fiercely.

“Sand Please. I want you! I need you now!” Ray begged, pushing his partner down roughly onto his back. Ray hastily stripped Sand on his remaining clothes and threw them to the floor as he took Sand into his mouth once again. He allowed his saliva to coat Sand’s dick as he sucked him into his mouth with an urgency that hadn’t been there before. He slurped at the tip as the pre-cum leaked into his waiting mouth and Sand fisted his hand through his hair.  

The heat started to rise in Sand, and he wouldn’t hold back anymore. He pushed his hips forward and holding Ray’s head, he fucked his mouth. He drove himself deeper and deeper, the tears swelled in Ray’s eyes from the pressure, but he refused to stop. This is all he had wanted for the past two years. Sand could have him however he wanted. He wanted all that Sand had to give; rough, gentle he would take anything and everything. 

“Condoms” Sand demanded through short breaths. Ray pulled off the swollen dick and reached into the top drawer of the nightstand. He pulled out a bottle of lube and a couple of condoms. Sand took the bottle from Ray. A scoff skipped Sand’s lips as he shook the bottle. “New bottle, eh?  Were you expecting someone?” 

 “You.” Ray blushed, meeting Sand’s eyes as he crawled back over him, pushing him down again.  

“So much for you giving up on us. Here you are every night imagining me.” Ray caught Sand’s mouth in a punishing kiss, shutting him up. Sand squeezed the bottle behind Ray’s back as Ray continued to kiss him, suck on his lower lip before finally biting down as he felt the cold liquid being spread over his rim with long slender fingers. 

“Did you imagine me doing this?” Sand asked as Ray broke for air. 

A loud gasp skipped Ray’s mouth as Sand started to press two fingers inside of him again. When Sand was sure the first two were moving in and out at ease, he added a third, stretching out the muscle, preparing his lover for more to come. Sand couldn’t wait any longer, his dick begged for the sweet release of a long-denied orgasm. 

Sand pushed Ray back a few inches as he ripped the wrapping from the condom with his teeth. Ray watched as Sand slid it down his length before pouring some of the lube onto his twitching dick. He locked eyes with Ray as moved his hand up and down along his own length, smearing the liquid evenly.  

“Come Here.” Sand demanded of Ray and Ray hurriedly obliged. He hovered over Sand, teasingly close and he felt Sand digging his nails into his hips, begging for Ray to come lower and swallow him. 

Ray leaned forward and kissed Sand softly before plunging himself down onto the waiting cock. Sand grabbed him by the back of the neck and moaned loudly into his mouth. He almost came with that one action. Ray smirked; Sand wasn’t the only one with tricks. 

Ray set the rhythm, straddling Sand perfectly. He alternated between pushing his hips forwards and backwards, to pressing on Sand’s chest as he pushed himself almost completely off before sinking back down quickly. Each stroke pushed both of them nearer and nearer to the abyss. 

“Fuck Ray, yes!” Sand allowed the words to flow freely. His brain no longer in control. Hearing Sand so lost drove Ray insane, his pace increased, more determined and more eager than ever to engrain this moment into Sand’s mind forever. 

Ray felt the hot white pressure building in his core, his ass tightened around Sand but he was determined to make Sand come first. Sand was close he could see it. The tight grip on his hips began to burn, getting deeper by the second, Ray was sure he would be bruised but he didn’t care. He knew exactly how to finish Sand. He moved his hands from Sand’s chest down to the bed allowing him to get lower and still maintain the punishing rhythm, he leaned into Sand’s neck near his Adam’s apple and bit down hard. 

Sand came instantly, his teeth clenched as the orgasm took over, he  grabbed Ray’s ass and held him firmly in place and pumped deep into him.  Ray allowed himself to finally let go as the blinding pleasure erupted through their bodies. 

Ray buried his face in Sand’s chest as they both rode out the final tremors of their combined orgasms. They lay like this for what felt like an eternity, panting into each other, trying to recover. Words were lost as the wave of pleasure, of having each other, washed over them.  

As Sand stroked his lovers hair enjoying the afterglow and Ray never wanted to move but he knew he had to. He looked up at Sand and gently as he could moved off him and curled up beside him instead. Sand didn’t turn his head still too lost in the ecstasy of the moment. Ray smiled and gently kissed him on the cheek bringing him back to earth. 

“Are you okay?” Sand asked turning onto his side so he could look at Ray. 

 “I am always okay when I am with you.”  Ray replied truthfully. 

Sand smiled, kissing the side of Ray’s head before moving off the bed to dispose of the condom. Ray watched as Sand made his way to the bathroom before coming back with a wet towel. Ray extended out his hand to take the towel, but Sand shook his head and proceeded to carefully cleanse Ray’s body of their recent activities. 

“Were you always such a perfect partner?” Ray teased, earning a chuckle from Sand. 

“Of course, someone had to take care of your bratty ass.” Sand was smug as he hit Ray playfully with the towel. 

“I am not a brat!” exclaimed Ray folding his arms, pouting his offense. 

Sand dropped the towel onto the floor and jumped on top of Ray. “I don’t care what you are, as long as you are mine.” 

Sand looked down at him with his large sparkling eyes and Ray lost himself for a moment as he stared up into Sand’s face. He had always been so in love with Sand’s big eyes. He felt he could read Sand’s mind just by looking deep into those eyes. Right now, they gazed at him with what Ray remembered was love. Real love. 

A thought passed his mind, a determination emerged into his chest; he promised himself he would never be the cause of tears in those eyes again. He would protect the light and sparkle in them with all he had. 

“I love you, Sand, I always will.” 

Sand kissed him softly. 

“I love you, Ray, I always have.” 

“So, what now?” Ray wanted to avoid the question, but his heart needed to know.  He needed to know that when he woke in the morning that Sand would still be there and still be his. 

Sand moved to his side and pulled Ray into position. The small spoon, exactly where he had always belonged. Sand kissed the shoulder in front of him. 

“I made my choice Ray. I choose you. I will always choose you.” 

Ray noted that Sand hadn’t mentioned Summer by name or really explained what would happen to his engagement now. But what he had heard was that Sand chose him and that would have to be good enough for tonight. 

Trusting in Sand’s words, he allowed himself to be cuddled tight as they fell into a contented sleep. 

Chapter Text

🎵

Was it a dream?  

A drunken hallucination?

A fever induced fantasy? 

He wasn’t sick, he hadn’t drank in days and this was definitely his ex-boyfriend’s face buried in his bare chest. Long arms were wrapped around his tiny waist and Ray could feel Sand’s chest was rising up and down, his breathing steady between his arms. 

This was real!

The memories of last night raced through Ray’s mind, sending shivers up and down his spine. The kisses, the touches, the passion. Sand had come home, chosen him and they were finally reunited. The way it was always meant to be. The feeling swelling in Ray’s chest made it feel like his heart might burst and all he could do to stop the happy tears from falling was to pull Sand in a little closer. Enjoy the silent bliss a little while longer. 

The morning sun forced its way through the tall window, lighting up the room with annoying determination. Ray closed his eyes against the unwelcome light, refusing to acknowledge a new day had begun. The thought of breaking this embrace and leaving the bed felt like a form of torture he did not want to experience. Not yet anyway, he would rather make this moment last for as long as possible. 

He snuggled in tight to Sand taking in his comforting scent and familiar warmth. The body next to his sound asleep, relaxed, untroubled. He had missed mornings like this the most. The relaxed embrace of two people so in love, so comfortable that they could simply exist in the unburdened silence together. 

Ray had hooked up with other people to fill the void Sand had left behind, but he never let them into his bed, never agreed to let them spend the night and absolutely never allowed cuddling. Those privileges were reserved for the only person he ever wanted to wake up next to again. Watching Sand sleep beside him now, Ray was comforted knowing he had never allowed anyone else to invade the spaces that belonged solely to Sand. 

“Good Morning.” The whisper beside his ear came all too quickly.

“Shush, no talking, no waking up, let me enjoy this moment a little longer.” Ray stroked Sands soft hair in an effort to soothe him back to sleep. 

“We can wake up like this every morning, if that’s what you want.” A head nuzzled next to his and Ray’s heart skipped a beat. 

This was real. 

“You want to wake up here forever?”

“Yes, I think it’s time I came home, don’t you?”

“I might” Ray’s reply purposefully nonchalant. His eyes firmly closed but his smile gave the lie away. 

Sand narrowed his eyes at the response, found the ticklish part of Ray’s waist and attacked suddenly. Ray cried out at the action.

“Sand! No! Stop please! He begged through his own laughter. 

“Admit it”

“Never!” 

Ray attempted to fight him off, struggling against the fingers overstimulating his body. Forced to finally open his eyes he knew he was powerless, there was no way to win without giving in. Sand was stronger than him and soon had his body pinned under his strong frame. The ticklish battle finally over but the war of words still ongoing. 

Sand’s hair fell freely front of his eyes as he looked down at Ray. Ray examined his face and saw his Sand again. The Sand he had first met, the playful glint in his eyes, unafraid to be himself, determined to get everything he wanted. The eyes he had fallen in love with and the face he had promised to give the world to. Now he would finally get to fulfill that promise.

“Admit it”

“Fine! Yes! It’s time you came home.”

Sand smiled the widest grin before bending down to kiss his cheek softly. 

“You seem to have slept well?” Ray joked as he wriggled free and bucked Sand off him.

Sand reluctantly rolled off  and propped himself up on one elbow so he could look at Ray properly. Ray mimicked the action so they would be face to face as they talked.

“I would have slept even better, if the bed didn’t feel like a giant pillow,” Sand joked, pushing down the soft mattress with one hand.

“Its been forever and you’re still complaining abut the mattress” Ray kicked him. 

“What can I say?  I’m good at holding grudges” and playfully kicked him back.

“Okay fine, I promise if you come back to live here I will let you choose the mattress this time”.

“When! When I come back” Sand corrected, dispelling the small doubt lingering in Ray’s words. 

Ray grinned “Okay WHEN you come back you can pick, but l’m still going with you to pick.  If I leave you alone you will get the hardest one available.”

“Unlike you, who insisted on having the softest one possible.”

Ray narrowed his eyes in protest. “We will compromise this time and find one in the middle okay?” Now stop complaining before I kick you out of bed.”

“As if you could” and Sand leaned over and kissed his forehead.

Ray snuggled back into Sand. As content as they were in this moment, he couldn’t stop his mind mulling over the events that had led them here. He didn’t want to ask the next  question but it slipped out before he could stop it.

“Why now?”

“Hmmm?”

“Us, why now? What changed?” Ray stroked Sand’s arm as he waited on a response. The answer didn’t come immediately and Ray regretted asking and wanted to withdraw his words in case the answer was not the one he wanted. 

“Actually on second thoughts don’t answer that you might come to your senses and change your mind.”

“I won’t change my mind,” came the confident reply. 

“If you really want to know..,” Sand reached out and swept the hair away from Ray’s eyes lovingly before continuing. “Spending the last few days with you changed everything and made me see the truth.”

Ray forced himself to breath, realizing he had been holding his breath since Sand begun his explanation. He released the held breath as Sand continued. 

“I realized that l’m only really myself when I'm here…” Sand took Ray’s hand in his and intertwined their fingers, as his eyes looked deep into Ray’s. “…with you. I don’t have to hide anything. It's comfortable. It’s easy. It’s real. You are my home.”

“But..” Ray bit down on his lip, trying not to say her name. If he did, he feared this moment would dissolve into an illusion he made for himself, evaporate into the thin air and drag them back into the reality that neither  wanted to mention. 

Sand raised their joined hands to Ray’s chin and using one of his fingers tilted Ray’s head slightly, just enough to meet his eyes again. 

“Over the last few days I finally saw the change in you that I had always hoped for. The change I wanted you to make for yourself. Not for me, not for your Dad or anyone else but for you. You were selfless. You put  other people’s feelings above your own. You chose not to drink and you did it all without anyone pressuring you.” Sand paused to look at Ray who was soaking in every word.

Sand rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling as he continued to explain his unexpected return. he refused to let go of Ray’s hand, letting their linked hands rest on his chest instead. 

Ray remained still and silent. He wanted to hear every word of praise Sand was freely offering. He had waited for this moment for so long and had convinced himself it might never come. It felt like forever since he had been spoken of fondly by anyone and he had often feared he might never hear words like this again. He felt the squeeze on his fingers as Sand began to speak again. 

“For years I watched you promise the people around you that you would change, clean up and do better.  But your promise always came on the back of some terrible decision, like your hands were tied and you were forced to promise some sort of change to keep everyone happy.”

Sand turned to look at the figure beside him. Ray’s gaze met his and although silent, Ray acknowledged the truth in Sand’s last few words casting his eyes downward. 

Sand tugged on his hand pulling it across his chest and effortlessly dragging Ray closer to him. He pulled until Ray was left with no option but to cuddle into the side of Sand’s chest and let Sand’s arm wrap around him. Ray allowed his head to rest on Sand’s chest and listen to the heartbeat, assured that it beat only for him, and loving how his leg comfortably rested over Sand’s once more. 

Sand brought his hand to the back of Ray’s neck and gently stroked it allowing them a few moments of silence to enjoy each other's closeness before continuing. 

“I watched you the last few days and all the good changes came from you, from your own heart. And that’s all I had ever wanted. If there was ever a chance for us, this is it and I just couldn’t ignore it. I tried to leave, to do what you told me to do, but I couldn’t. It felt wrong and so I found myself turning around and driving here.”

Sand felt the cool tears wetting his chest but he didn’t mention it instead he turned his head to kiss Ray’s hair in tender reassurance. 

“Leaving you was hard. I never wanted to leave you, even back then. And I wanted to come back so many times but I couldn’t. I thought this circle of agony would not end until something changed.”

Sand took a deep breath, preparing for his final confession. 

“But this time it feels different. When you first came back I thought you were the same selfish Ray, drinking, abusing your wealth to get what you wanted and completely ignoring any damage you could cause. But I was wrong. You have changed, and I have changed and I think together we can finally change the ending of our story, make it a happy one.” 

The truth hit Ray hard. All the games he had played in the past seemed so stupid now. All he had needed to do was want to be better. For himself and those around him. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so stubborn? How could he have made the same mistakes over and over again? Why had it taken losing everything he loved the most to make him see sense?

If he could, he would have punched himself. Instead he turned his face to look up at the earnest face looking back at him. Slow tears continued to fall as Sand planted a kiss firmly on his lips. 

“When did you get so soft?” Sand said as he used a gentle finger to wipe the tears away. 

“Shut up!” A small chuckle escaped Ray’s pouting mouth. He rolled his eyes and gently slapped Sand’s chest. Ray wanted to promise there and then that he would never be that stupid again but the words wouldn’t come. The look on Ray’s face told Sand all he needed to know. There was no doubt left between them now. 

“C’mon time to get up, enough confessions for one day” Sand grinned as he pushed Ray away, signaling to his Koala that it was time to move. 

“Ugh no, let's stay here” Ray pouted as he attempted to pull Sand by the arm back into bed. 

Sand smiled fondly before he scolded his partner, “No Ray, we can't stay in bed all day, we at least need to shower. I have to go to the studio and I can’t go smelling like you and then I have to go ho- ”

Sand didn’t get to finish his sentence. He didn’t need to, Ray knew that he would have to go back to Summer eventually but he didn’t want to hear it, not yet and so he simply pretended he had not heard the words. He would make sure Sand thought of him, longed for him, yearned for his touch in every moment that they would need to be apart. 

“Hmm Shower, I suppose I wouldn’t mind getting wet with you. Okay, let's go!” Ray jumped out of bed with a glint in his eye before grabbing Sand’s arm and dragging him to the bathroom. Sand laughed happily as he allowed himself to be pulled along.

They reached the bathroom and Ray wasted no time in turning on the shower to heat up. As stream began to fill the small bathroom, Ray rummaged through a drawer underneath the sink and pulled out a spare toothbrush for Sand. Sand raised an eyebrow as it was handed to him. 

“Dental hygiene is important, Sand.” Ray smirked as he proceeded to squeeze out toothpaste onto both his and Sand’s brush. Sand raised the toothbrush and began to brush his teeth as he watched his reflection in the mirror. 

Sand continued looking in the mirror, looking at Ray,  allowing their eyes to meet until he stilled at a an unexpected touch. Not taking his eyes from Ray’s reflection he tried his best to finish his current task but was quickly losing interest and concentration.

Ray’s hand gently wrapped around the manhood of his tall bathroom partner and began to gently stroke along the thick length. Ray watched his own reflection turn dark with desire as Sand’s eyes closed savoring the touch.

Ray calmly continued his smooth hand movements  until he finished brushing his teeth. Once finished he  removed his hand from Sand’s hard cock at the same time placing his toothbrush in the glass jar sitting in the sink. Sand opened his eyes at the withdrawal of the touch and glared at Ray. 

Ray smirked and took a couple of steps backwards to the shower, “You might want to finish brushing your teeth, you appear to have become quite distracted.” Sand flicked his toothbrush at Ray but Ray was quicker, safely hiding himself from the flecks of toothpaste inside the shower. 

Sand hurriedly finished brushing before placing his new toothbrush in the same glass jar as Ray’s. Turning to face the shower, he watched as Ray stood underneath the water running his hands through his hair and slicking it back from his face. 

Sensing he was being watched, Ray reached for the shower gel and poured it down his chest letting it run all the way down to his dick. As the gel mixed with the hot water it created a foamy lather, Ray rubbed his hands through the foam and spread it around his chest and down his stomach. Finally meeting with the staring eyes of his silent observer, he reached down to his own expectant cock and began to stroke it, using the same foam that dripped down his slim body, to glide his hand back and forth. 

Sands' gaze followed the action and he watched breathlessly as Ray continued to tease his own dick. The want building in his core, Sand reached for the shower door to slide it open but once again Ray was quicker and he used one hand to hold the door closed while the other hand continued slowly pleasuring its owner.

Sand lowered his hand to his own cock and matched Ray’s agonisingly slow pace. He placed a hand on the glass door to keep himself steady, the tip of his dick touching the cold glass as he leaned forward keeping his eyes on Ray. Sand could hear Ray’s breathing become heavier as the intensity of his actions increased. 

Sand allowed Ray a couple more moments of his power play but when he saw Ray’s head lean forward to rest against the glass as his eyes closed, Sand couldn’t hold back any longer. He wanted every orgasm Ray had to offer, he wanted to own them all. Sand grabbed the door handle and pulled hard. This time there was no resistance.  Ray's strength dissolving as he neared the point of ecstasy. 

The moment broken by the sudden movement of the door,  Ray was momentarily shocked to find himself being pushed back against the cold tiles but as Sand’s lips and tongue fell on his own, he quickly adjusted and pulled his attacker deeper into the kiss, digging his nails into Sands hips, dragging their bodies closer. Hard dick grinded against hard dick as water poured down between their sensitive bodies until Sand abruptly pulled away and turned Ray to face the wall. 

Ray leaned his hands and face against the cool tiles. The mixture of the cold tiles and the hot body holding him threatened to overrule all his senses. Sand fisted his hand through Ray’s hair and pulled his head back against his chest. 

“Ah” Ray called out but let his head be dragged back without resistance. His chest that had been rising and falling steadily, stilled when Sand bit the tip of his exposed ear before whispering fiercely against it. 

“You think you can tease me? Hmmm.. You think I’d just let you cum without me, not a chance Ray. You should know better.” The last sentence was muffled as Sand buried his mouth into the neck before him and sucked into the glistening skin.  

With one hand placed on Ray’s stomach, holding him firmly against his chest, and the other hand delicately thumbing over the tip of Ray’s leaking dick, Sand added one more movement to push Ray over the edge. Sand pushed his dick between Ray’s clenched thighs and used the wet skin to slide his dick back and forth with ease. 

Ray moaned quietly and allowed the pleasure to overtake them both but when he felt Sand’s hand tightening on his stomach he knew this would be over far too quickly if he didn’t act now.  He quickly grabbed Sands hands and pulled them away before turning to face Sand. The once bright eyes of his lover now half closed with a dark yearning to take him. 

Ray stepped back under the water and Sand eagerly followed, curious as to why Ray had suddenly changed momentum. With Sand standing fully under the water,  Ray dropped to his knees, reached his hands around Sand’s body,  grabbed his ass and pulled him closer. Sand stumbled forward and shot out his hands to brace himself firmly against the wall. 

“Fuck” was all he could manage as Ray pulled him into his mouth, running his tongue along the dripping length. Ray brought one hand back and held the trembling cock in front of him as he pulled off. Then using his tongue he flicked it against the pink tip. The sensation had the desired effect as Sand’s knees trembled struggling not to give out. Ray brought his other hand back and gently squeezed and thumbed at Sand’s balls. Sand jerked forward into Ray's awaiting mouth but Ray had been expecting it. Some things never change. 

With one hand now occupied massaging and gently pulling on the sensitive area, Ray encouraged Sand to fuck into his mouth. As Sand stood thrusting deep into the wet mouth and the water continued to pour over them, Ray made his final move. He moved his free hand between Sand’s legs and found the wet rim waiting for him. Sand flinched but didn’t instruct Ray to stop. Ray circled his slender finger around the tight circle before suddenly pressing in. 

“Ahh fuck” came the uncontrolled moan as Sand pressed further into Rays mouth threatening to cut off all air supply. 

Ray pulled his mouth away and took a desperate breath “You’re so tight” he said as he slid his finger out before pressing it back into the soft entrance again.

“Well it has been over 2 years” Sand struggled to get the words out over his labored breathing. The feeling of Ray penetrating him after all this time was overwhelming his basic functions. 

 “Oh, so there wasn’t any guys since me then?”

“No” Sand panted as the finger continued its exploration. 

Ray smiled at the knowledge that no one else had touched Sand like this. He would gladly reclaim the territory. 

“Don’t stop!” Sand pleaded. He missed the feeling of being filled and now he had it, he didn’t want it to end.

 “More Ray, please.”

Ray leaned forward and kissed the skin at Sand’s toned waist as he pressed a second finger into the loosening space. Sand’s knees threatened to buckle completely but he did his best to stay standing despite his hands slipping down the tiles.

Ray rested his head just beside Sand’s stiff cock, as he concentrated on stretching Sand’s ass to accommodate a third finger. He circled his fingers inside slowly and pushed against the ribbed walls encouraging them to spread for him. Sand continued to moan above him, relishing in the delicious agony of the stretch. Ray licked his tongue along Sand’s length until he got to the tip and sucked gently on it, tasting the salty cum as it threatened to overflow. Sand was nearly undone. 

Ray carefully withdrew his fingers and brought them to his mouth as Sand looked down at him, mouth hanging open unashamedly lost in the pleasure. Ray licked and sucked on his three fingers until satisfied they were suitably lubracted. Sliding his hand back between Sand’s thighs, he lined the slick digits up at the expectant hole and watched until Sand closed his eyes. Ray let his wet fingers circle Sand’s rim, teasing him, delaying the moment, building up the anticipation for as long as possible. 

Ray moved his mouth near to the tip of Sand’s dick before suddenly moving his hand and mouth in one fluid motion. He sucked Sand down into his mouth as his fingers drove deep into his ass. The action had the desired effect and Sand moaned and hissed loudly, biting into his own arm, attempting to withstand the pleasure. 

Ray used his mouth and fingers in opposite actions. As his fingers drove in, his mouth would pull back. As his fingers pulled out, his mouth would push forward. A relentless set of actions designed to drive the receiver insane, no break from the intense sensation, no moment to think, no end to the pleasure building inside. 

Ray continued to increase the pace of his mouth, tongue, fingers and hand, all working together, waiting for the familiar tell of Sand reaching the point of no return. Ray felt the dick in his mouth stiffen getting ready to cum. He heard Sand’s breathing change from rhythmic to ragged. The final sign of Sand reaching climax came as Sand’s hand reached down and wrapped itself around the back of Ray’s neck. 

Once Ray felt that he immediately withdrew his fingers and mouth, cutting off the orgasm right at the last moment. 

“No” Sand moaned at the denial of his orgasm and banged his fist against the wall “Why would you do that?!”

Ray pushed Sand’s legs back and stood up . Face to face once again, Ray moved close and placed his lips agonisingly close to Sand’s. “You get what you want when I get what I want”. Ray moved and touched his lips against Sand’s. It was barely a kiss but just enough of a touch to make his point. 

Sand with his whole body tingling, breath still ragged, mind trying to recover from the recent torture could only watch as Ray turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. Grabbing a towel, Ray refused to turn around to look at the devastation he had left standing in the shower. He wrapped himself in a fluffy towel and padded out of the bathroom, proud of the effect he could have over Sand. 

“And what is it that you want?” Sand desperately called after the departing figure. 

Ray stopped walking before speaking. “I’ll give you what you want when I no longer have to share you”. His statement was firm, direct and his voice had that dangerous possessive tone that Sand recognised all too well.

Sand couldn’t see the smirk on Ray’s face but it was there. Ray knew exactly what he had just done and the effect that it would have. Just like Sand had wanted to erase every memory of anyone else in Ray’s mind, he wanted to erase Summer from Sand’s.

Sand didn’t respond or ask for further clarification, he knew exactly what Ray’s words meant. Still frustrated at the way Ray had chosen to deliver his message, Sand hurriedly grabbed a towel and followed the trail of wet footprints back to the bedroom. As he entered,  Ray looked at him with the most innocent look he could muster, refusing to acknowledge the annoyed look on Sands face.

Instead he gestured to the bottom drawer of the wardrobe. “Some of your clothes are in there. You left them behind when …” he let his sentence trail off not wanting to bring up anymore of the past.

“You kept them?”

“Well I always hoped that you would come back to me again one day” Ray winked and Sand threw his towel at him. “Besides you spent so long looking for some of those shirts it didn’t feel right getting rid of them. They were important to you.” Ray tried to shrug off the statement before Sand made a bigger deal out of it. 

The light atmosphere returning between them, Ray left Sand to get dressed and headed for the kitchen to make some much needed coffee. He hopped up and sat on the counter and scrolled through his phone as the coffee machine worked its magic.

Sand casually walked across the apartment and into the kitchen area. Seeing Ray sitting as he was, he seized the opportunity and stepped in between Ray’s legs and pulled the phone from his grasp.

“Hey!”

“I’m far more interesting” came Sand’s confident reply before he wrapped a hand around Ray’s waist and kissed him deep. Ray wanted to lose himself in the kiss but the sound of incoming messages to Sand’s phone was too hard to ignore. He pushed Sand back by the shoulders, breaking the delicious kiss, but before he could question the sheer volume of incoming messages, the coffee machine sounded its finish. Ray was forced to concentrate on not ruining the coffee. 

While Ray saved the coffee, Sand went to the cupboard and retrieved his mug and one for Ray. Ray looked at the mug as it was placed in front of him. It was a deliberate move on Sand’s part. Ray knew it, Sand knew it but Ray appreciated the silent reassurance that Sand was here at home, their home, with him.

Ray filled the mugs and they each took their mug and  stood apart leaning on opposite counters enjoying the hot brown liquid in contented silence. A silence that was quickly and rudely interrupted once more by the sound of more messages being received. Unfortunately for Sand he had left his phone on the counter beside Ray. When Ray glanced at the phone and texter invading their peace he could see the mounting messages from Summer, all unanswered. 

Ray sighed heavily as he looked away from the phone.  Why did reality have to come calling, couldn’t they have one morning to enjoy each other without being reminded of the stress of what was to come. Ray looked at Sand and finally asked the question he had been avoiding. 

“What are you going to do about Summer?”

Sand took a moment, staring down into his coffee, before offering his response. 

“I need some time to sort things out with her.”

“Just tell her the truth and leave. It shouldn’t be that difficult.” An annoyed tone crept into Ray’s voice. 

“It's more complicated than that. I can’t just simply up and leave her.” 

Ray scrunched his face as he struggled to understand the issue. 

“Why can’t you leave? Because you’re engaged? People end engagements all the time, you ended ours once.” Ray’s response was harsher than he intended but he didn’t withdraw it. 

“We weren’t engaged!”

“As good as! Anyway my point stands you aren’t married to her yet so you can still just leave.”

Ray was getting angry now and Sand tried his best to maintain his calm. A shouting competition wouldn’t make this any better. 

“It's really not that simple Ray.” Sand exhaled a sad sigh. 

“Do you owe her money, I can pay her!”

“It's not that! I’ll sort it myself, you don’t need to worry about it, I just need some time.” 

“Are you signed into a lease or something, I can fix that too.” Ray relentlessly pressed on. 

“No Ray. It’s not a lease, can you just leave it, I will sort it myself!”  Sand was getting more annoyed the more Ray questioned him. 

“What is it then?” Ray snapped, placing his mug down with a loud thud. “I have the money and lawyers, Sand! I can fix whatever is trapping you! Just tell me!”

“Oh and are you going to pay the child support too!” Sand blurted the words out before he had time to stop himself.

“Child support?!” What child support? What are you talking about?” Ray stared at Sand more confused than ever. 

Sand took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he explained. “Summer’s pregnant Ray.”

Sand opened his eyes to a stunned Ray.

“She’s pregnant?!”

Ray tried to pause to compose his words but it was no use, they came pouring out of him as he began to question everything about the past few hours. 

“If she’s pregnant, why the fuck did you come here Sand?! You’re never going to leave her. I know you, you who had no father growing up. You won’t leave a child to the same fate. This is so fucked!”

“No Ray, listen to me please” Sand begged for a moment to explain. 

Once the truth came pouring out, there was no stopping it.  He didn’t want to lie to Ray or himself anymore.

“Sand! You are a father to an unborn child and you didn’t care to mention this information before? Before this… Before us… Is this all a lie?” 

Sand’s eyes snapped towards Ray, as he started to shake his head vigorously. “No Ray… Everything that has happened… us… It’s  all real! I promise. I will deal with everything. If you just let me explain—” 

“How are you going to deal with this?” Ray’s voice was shaking. It cracked with every word as tears filled his eyes. “Are you going to date us both? Or are you going to leave your family? Or am I going to be your secret lover? Tell me!”

“You know that the one I love is you Ray! I’ve spent the last few hours telling you this!”

“Love doesn’t solve this, Sand! You are having a child!” 

“You are the person I want to be with Ray.” Sand’s breath hitched as a tear rolled down his cheeks. 

“But it’s not just Summer. I thought it was just Summer, but it’s not just her, there’s a baby too!” Ray said incoherently before meeting Sand’s eyes who was looking back at him with fear in his eyes. Fear that Ray wouldn’t be able to handle this, wouldn’t be able to give him the time to fix this mess. 

“Ray, listen -“

 “No Sand. You listen. You have a fucking family Sand! A child!! You should have just left that day! You shouldn’t be here. You should leave, go back to them.” His last sentence was whispered angrily and Sand couldn’t stand to hear how heartbroken Ray sounded.”

“Please listen to me, I will tell you everything! Just give me a chance to explain.” 

“Fine! Talk! Let me hear what you have to say..” Ray breathed heavily as he wiped a tear with the back of his hand.

“I can’t stay with her. Even before you came back it wasn’t right. It’s not real with her. I can’t even be myself there.” 

Ray scoffed as he rolled his eyes. “Please don’t insult me with such a shit excuse—”

“Ray please, look in my eyes!” Sand begged.  Ray listened and could see how serious Sand was as he continued. “I only asked her to marry me because of the child. I never felt right about it though. But being with you always felt right.”

Ray knew Sand meant his words but it didn’t change the current situation or stem his anger. 

“You cannot have us both Sand.” 

“I know! I just need some time to figure it out with her. I need to make sure we end on good terms so that I can be in the baby’s life. You’re right I don’t want to subject someone else to the same upbringing I had but it doesn’t mean I need to be with Summer. Coming here last night, I knew what I was doing, I was choosing what I wanted, not what everyone else had been telling me I have to do. Choosing you wasn’t a mistake, this is where I want to be, I just need time.”

Sand breathed heavily as his revelations filled the space between them. But now having said it all out loud he knew the truth and knew what he needed to do. He just needed Ray to trust his words were honest. 

“How much time?” asked Ray quietly, his mind still trying to make sense of all he had just heard. 

“I don’t know yet. I need to figure out the right way to do this.”

“So I’m supposed to hang around on the sidelines until you decided the time is right?” The anger returning to his heart now he had a moment to digest the reality of what was being asked of him. 

Sand’s phone suddenly began to ring but Sand ignored it, choosing instead to move to Ray and pick up his hands and hold them tight, desperately demonstrating that Ray was the most important thing to him. 

“Ray please try to understand, I want.. I need to do this the right way, for all of us.”

Ray pulled his hands out of Sand’s grasp and ran them through his hair frustrated and unable to think straight. “Answer your stupid phone Sand, I can’t think with it constantly ringing.”

Sand grabbed the phone from the counter and answered once he saw the name on the screen. It  was Nick’s annoyed voice on the other end. 

“Finally! Where the hell have you been?! You were supposed to be home 2 days ago. I can’t cover for you anymore and I need you at the studio now! We are meeting the boss remember?!  We have to finalise the dates of the tour. You have to be here! Now!”

“Shit I forgot! Okay, I’m coming now!” Sand hung up the phone and looked at Ray’s angry face.

“Ray, I'm sorry. I have to go, can we talk about this again later please. I’ll explain more when we’ve both calmed down.”

“What's to talk about? You want me to be your dirty little secret, your piece on the side, exactly what I didn’t want to be.” 

“No Ray I don’t, You’re not! It’s not like that and I don’t want it to be like that.”

Sand grabbed Ray’s downcast face under the chin and forced him to look up. 

“I love you Ray. It’s you. It’s always been you. I need you to believe me.” 

Ray wanted to believe it so much but he was too thrown by all the confessions. It was too much for one day and he needed time to think.” 

“I have to go. Promise me you’ll be here later and we can talk about this.”

Ray remained silent.

“Ray please don’t do anything stupid. I’ll be back later to explain everything properly and we can talk it through together, okay?”

Ray remained silent.

Sand exhaled in frustration at Ray’s lack of response but another message from Nick sounding on his phone forced his hand. He had to leave but he didn’t want to leave like this. He leaned forward and kissed Ray softly. “I love you Ray, promise that you’ll stay with me.”

Unable to remain silent at a second declaration, Ray finally gave in, “I promise. I love you too much to walk away today or any day.”

Sand kissed Ray goodbye and left the kitchen,  and headed for the door. As he opened the door he looked back to Ray still standing in the kitchen, “I’ll call you after the meeting okay?”

Ray remained silent but nodded in agreement as Sand left the apartment and left him to his thoughts once again.

Ray spent the afternoon banging around the apartment in the pretense of cleaning away the mess from the night before. In reality he was angry. This is not what was meant to happen. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This was a mess. Why did she have to be pregnant! Why hadn’t Sand listened when he told him to go home. 

The questions kept running through his mind and he couldn’t find a moment of peace until he remembered what Sand had said. 

“I love you Ray. It’s you. It’s always been you.”

Moving through the apartment and back to the kitchen,  Ray picked up the discarded mugs from the morning and finally smiled seeing them side by side. 

I love you Sand. We will figure it out together. 

*Knock

*Knock knock

*Knock knock knock

The loud knocks on the front door echoed through the quiet apartment and Ray was more pissed off than ever. Having finally calmed down, the sudden intrusion of noise was most unwelcome. 

“God, who the hell is this now?!” Ray moaned, throwing his head back to stare at the ceiling. He inhaled sharply and walked to the door and pulled it open. 

For the second time in two days he froze seeing the unexpected visitor gracing his threshold.

“Is my Fiancé here?!”

“No!” Ray replied quickly and honestly.

“Was he here?!”

Chapter Text

🎵

Sand braced himself as he pushed open the studio door.

“Finally!” Nick snapped as the figure appeared through the doorway. 

 “Sorry, I’m late, I got caught up” Sand offered, shrugging through the apology.

 “Caught up or caught out?” Nick questioned with a raised eyebrow.

Sand paused at the accusation, he wanted to maintain a neutral expression but couldn’t keep the small smile from forming at the corner of his mouth. He shrugged a silent response.

“You could have at least answered your phone, I feel like I must have called you like a thousand times!”

“I had my phone on silent.” Sand replied calmly closing the door behind him as he walked further into the brightly lit studio.

“Judging from the number of calls I had from your supposed significant other, I wasn’t the only one on the end of the silent treatment the last few days.” 

Sand shrugged again, but his smile faltered for a second, he didn’t want to get into this now. His mind had been racing since the fight with Ray this morning and he didn’t want to have to relive it all again right now.

Nick watched Sand take off his jacket and hang it on the back of his chair. He listened as Sand began humming an unfamiliar song.

A tune that had been forming in his head for the last few days, a warm melody, shaped by an even warmer feeling that had settled into his heart once again.

Nick continued to silently observe as the humming continued. He noted the smile creeping across his friend’s face again, a smile that didn’t leave his lips as he took a seat on the chair and crossed his legs in front of him. A smile that grew wider as the singer reached for a pen and a piece of paper and started to write down the words, thoughts, lyrics that had been swirling around his head for days begging to be formed into musical poetry.

 “That’s disgusting, don’t do that.” Nick faked a gag as he shook his head, taking the seat opposite to Sand.  

“Don’t do what?” Sand asked looking up from his project, his smile growing wider as he acted clueless, even though he knew what exactly Nick meant.

“That!” Nick shuddered, pointing a finger at Sand’s glowing face. “It’s unsettling to see you that happy” he continued to tease.

“Don’t be jealous” Sand smirked, returning the pen to paper, continuing to scribble out the words as they poured freely from his pen.

“I must be confused, I thought you were attending a funeral not jetting off on honeymoon, you certainly look like you’ve had … a good time. A better time than you should have had perhaps” Nick pressed on sarcastically pulling the page away from Sand and pulling him back into the present.

“It was very good, if you must know.” Sand leaned closer to Nick and winked as he pulled the page back towards himself.

“Ugh, don’t, you already look like walking sex, I don’t want the gory details!” Nick groaned and mimicked a shiver as if someone had thrown something disgusting over him. “At least it put you in better mood for writing.” He nodded toward the paper Sand was still writing on. “A new song? It’s been a while.”

“Yes, it came to me as we watched the stars together at a music festival.” Sand smiled as he looked down at his own lyrics and remembered the moment, and quickly jotted down It still feels like a dream.

“As We watched the stars together.” Nick mimicked Sand as he made a disgusted face, before sighing, sitting back against the chair and looking back to Sand with some evident concern. 

He was glad to see the spark of the old Sand return, the flame of genuine happiness igniting once again. It was nice. Finally, back with the one he truly loved and wanted. For good or bad it was always meant to be them. As much as he teased, he had witnessed Sand pretend for too long and Nick allowed himself a moment to bask in the glow of his friend’s happiness before dissecting the reality of what this meant for his current situation.

“Sand” Nick called loudly, wanting Sand’s full attention. 

When Sand looked up at his friend and manager, the smile on his lips fell. The expression on Nick’s face told him exactly what he wanted to say without opening his mouth. 

“Not you too.” Sand sighed, shaking his head.

He wanted to avoid any conversation that would ruin this moment. Why couldn’t his happiness just last a few more minutes before being washed away by reality?

“I’m guessing you’ve made your choice, so what does that mean for Sum – “

“Do we have to do this now?! Sand sighed throwing his head back and looking up to the ceiling as if it held the answers to his dilemma.  

“Well, you can’t possibly think that you are going to stay with Summer after this! Look at yourself, you’re sitting there writing a new song and I sure as hell know its not about her. Have you ever even written about her?!” Every song, every time, always about Ray so why are you even hesitating?!”

Bringing his head back down, Sand avoided Nick’s intense stare to focus instead on the words written in front of him, he spoke quietly to the page “I will sort everything. I just need some time.” 

“So, you are leaving Summer!” Sand frowned at the eagerness in Nick’s voice. He wasn’t sure if his friend was more excited that he was reuniting with Ray or the prospect that he was leaving Summer. Either way his excitement was annoying.

If Nick sensed the annoyance coming from his friend, he gave a good show at ignoring it. “Just leave her. Be happy with Ray. Break up with her and move on with your life Sand. It was never going to be right.”

“What is going on with you? You know I can’t just leave her. She’s pregnant, Nick!” Sand snapped. 

His following heavy sigh made them both pause momentarily. 

“I know she is, but-“ Nick started again but quieter. 

“But nothing, I’m responsible for her, for the baby, I can’t just leave like that.” He clicked his fingers and Nick glared at him. Sand dropped his head onto the table in front of him. Exasperated. This was exactly why he didn’t want to have this conversation. He had just convinced Ray to wait until he could fix things. Why was he having the same conversation with Nick again? 

“I didn’t say don’t be responsible.” Nick stated less than calmly. “But at the same time, you have to think about yourself and your happiness. You don’t even love her!” Nick ran a hand over his face in frustration.

Sand lifted his head slightly and looked up at Nick confused. He noticed how Nick’s feet were shaking nervously underneath the table. Sand watched as Nick opened his mouth to speak but closed it again with no words coming out. 

“What is going on with you. You always liked her and now it’s like you can’t get me to leave her quick enough. Weren’t you the one who told me to avoid Ray when he first came back, told me to stick with Summer and not mess everything up and now you are team Ray!” 

Nick looked away avoiding eye contact and Sand’s patience finally ran out.

“Nick if you have something to say, then just say it and stop fidgeting.” 

“Fine, I saw…” Nick started but never finished.

“Saw what? …. Nick?”

“Oh, don’t let me interrupt”. A familiar soft voice spoke from behind Sand, surprising the singer.  Nick glanced at Sand to find him looking back at him warily. From the look on his face, Nick knew Sand wasn’t expecting her either. Nick stayed mute as Sand turned to face the voice. Looking her usual beautiful self, dressed in a floaty floral dress with long perfectly styled hair that reached her elbow, her presence had successfully put a halt to their conversation.

“Summer,” Sand started but didn’t now how to continue, his mind was scrambling for excuses for his long absence and radio silence for the last few days. But his thoughts quickly jumped to how long she had been listening, how much had she heard. He examined her expression, but it gave nothing away.

“Its okay Sand, you don’t need to explain, I understand everything.” She stated all too calmly and placed a bag full of containers in front of him on the table covering the page of lyrics he had been working on.

Sand paused, convinced now that she had heard it all. He stood up to face her.

This was it.

“Summer, listen, I’m so sorry, I can explain everything.”

Summer smiled widely and kindly “Honestly its okay I get it” she placed a loving hand on his arm, “I am the one who should apologise, work comes first for the moment, I should have understood better and been more patient.  I am sorry if I annoyed you while you were away. I was worried but I should have known that you would be too busy and probably too tired to respond.”

Summer moved closer and wrapped her arms around her partner in a warm embrace. In the moment all Sand could think to do was hug her back.

As he broke the embrace, Sand’s mouth moved quicker than his brain, “How did you know I was back,” he shook his head at his own words, “sorry I meant how did you know I was here?”

She placed a hand over his heart and gave him a warm smile. Summer tilted her head to the side, looking at Sand as if the answer was obvious. “This,” Summer said and Sand looked down at her hand, wondering what she meant. She pinched the hem of his jacket, running her thumb and index over the fabric, before patting gently twice over his heart again. “Your jacket. It was gone. I knew you must have come back and picked it up. And of course, then you’d come to the studio, where else would you go?”

“Oh,” Sand’s mouth dropped, before nodding.

She was right. Before turning up to the studio, Sand had gone to their house. He needed some fresh clothes before his meeting and part of him had hoped that he would find Summer there and deal with her anger about his disappearance. Get it over with quickly.

Until he could come up with a plan on how to tell her about Ray, he needed to keep her calm, make sure she didn’t do anything drastic. None of this was her fault but she would be the one to suffer the consequences the most.

As he had approached the front door, he felt the guilt building within his core. Summer had called him so many times and he hadn’t answered any of them. After hearing Ray explain how much this behaviour had hurt him in the past, he knew she deserved better, deserved a proper apology at the very least. He had braced himself for a volcanic eruption to welcome him home but to his surprise, the house was empty. 

It looked exactly how he had left it, as if she hadn’t stepped a foot inside since he was gone. 

With a quick glance around the living room, his eyes had fallen on the jacket that was still thrown carelessly on the sofa from the day he left to follow Ray. He frowned at the fact that Summer hadn’t bothered to put it in its place. She liked to keep a clean house and constantly scolded him for not being tidy enough. He should have hung his jacket in the closet, but he had been so distracted about getting to Ray as quick as possible. He mused if she had left it there as a silent reprimand for his untidiness or had she not been home, had she not seen it?

Had she not seen it? The thought dragged something forward from his memory. Something that had absolutely escaped his thoughts the last few days. Something that would cause a tremendous amount of  trouble. 

The USB!

He had almost tripped over the coffee table after stumbling on the carpet rushing to reach the sofa and the jacket. He had grabbed it and frantically searched through the pockets. A sigh of relief skipped his lips when he found that the USB was still there, untouched. His heart had nearly beat out of his chest, as the initial panic caused an adrenaline spike through his body. Relieved, he had brought the jacket tight to his chest and thanked the universe that Summer hadn’t touched the jacket and cursed Nick for nearly exposing him and Ray.

Now that Summer was standing in front of him here in the studio, he wondered absently if she had left the jacket there so she could tell when he had returned to the house.

Sand watched as Summer gracefully walked around the table, opening the lids of the food containers to reveal the different types of dishes she had prepared for them. Sand spotted a familiar dish and for the second time his mouth moved quicker than his brain.

“You made my favourite rice dish, you haven’t made that since ..”

His brain caught up and he didn’t finish the sentence. Summer paused her preparations but quietly recovered and carried on, they both knew the end of that sentence it didn’t need to be said aloud, Summer had actively avoided making the dish since the dinner with Ray. His comments that night had hit her hard, a personal attack she had not been able to shake easily. Sand cursed himself mentally for being stupid enough to mention it now.

Once all the food was laid out beautifully, Summer took a step back and surveyed her work happily. “You have been away for almost a week, so I thought you might be hungry, and I wanted to do something special for you”. She said, glancing in his direction. “And I couldn’t wait until you came home.” 

Home. The word hung in the air.

“Yeah, eh work has been a lot lately.” Sand cleared his throat, feeling the lie on the tip of his tongue like poison dripping into his soul killing him slowly. He wrapped one arm around his fiancée and pulled her into his side before kissing the top of her head. Guilt was building up inside him and seeing Summer and all the effort she was putting forward despite his terrible treatment of her was enough to break the strongest of resolves. She should be angry, confront him, demand answers but as always Summer was a perfect partner, kind, understanding, trusting. She didn’t deserve any of this.

And now, he had to choose. Break one heart or two.

He glanced at Nick, hoping to find help. Nick was quick to understand the look on Sand’s face and the silent question raging within his friend. Nick frowned in return and when Summer looked down to fix a plate, mouthed: “tell her!” 

But he couldn’t do it. Not now.

Taking a deep breath, Sand continued with his sick lie. “Summer, I’m sorry about what happened. We got overwhelmed with… em the workload… and needed to stay more days than expected. But I am sorry, I should have called you and explained.”

“It’s okay, please don’t worry about it anymore.” Summer replied, with a small almost sad smile. “I’m just glad to have you back with me. That’s all that matters…” 

Nick cleared his throat, smiling at Summer. “Thank you for the food, Summer, I am actually very hungry.” He stepped forward between her and Sand, blocking her view and coming face to face with Sand, before whispering. “Just tell her.”

“Oh right, Nick!” Summer clapped her hands together, as if she remembered something very important. 

Nick turned around to look back at her and gave her a small fake smile. “Yes?”  

Summer gestured to the food waiting patiently to be eaten, “This is just some small snacks. I am also inviting you to my parent’s restaurant tonight for dinner. Sand and I have a very important announcement to make, and we would love to have you there.” 

“We do?” Sand exclaimed in surprise, he tried to make eye contact with Summer, but her focus was on Nick instead.

“Please come. It’s very important.” Summer insisted as she held Nick’s gaze. 

“Of course I’ll be there, an important announcement from my favourite couple I wouldn’t miss it.” Nick nodded awkwardly as he looked at Sand for some insight. Sand could only offer a confused look in return.

Nick glanced at the clock on the wall and was grateful to see that it was time to escape the awkward exchange. “Sand, the meeting is in 5 minutes. I will wait for the guests outside.” 

“Yes, sure. I won’t be late.” Sand nodded before turning to watch as Summer casually walked over to the recording desk and ran her hands over the switches and buttons, casually flicking some of them on and off. She stared through the glass window at the inside of the recording room as she watched the recording light turn on and off.  

“You can see everything that goes on in this room from here.” Summer murmured to herself, but her voice was audible enough for Sand to hear. 

“Well, it is a studio not a bedroom, it doesn’t need to be private”. Sand replied absently, putting his hand inside of his pocket as he moved to stand next to her. 

She stayed silent and continued looking through the clear glass. Their reflections barely visible as they stood beside each other. 

“Summer”

“Hmm”

“What announcement are we supposed to be making?”

Slowly turning to look at him, Summer touched his arm gently and stroked it soothingly. “Well, I have a small surprise for you. You will like it, trust me. I saw how busy you are and how hard you are working lately. I wanted to do something nice for us.”

“Are you going to tell me what it is?”

“No silly, I don’t want to ruin the surprise” she smiled cheerfully at him and Sand felt that familiar knife piercing his heart. She really didn’t deserve any of this.

“I left some new clothes for you at home, I want you to look you’re best for tonight. Please don’t worry I have everything organised and I have invited everyone already.” That sweet smile beaming at him again.

“Invited everyone? Summer, just tell me what’s going on?” His tone a little harsher than he intended, his head already so messed up and in no position to play guessing games. 

“Just trust me, will you?” Summer slid her hand down his arm until it reached his hand as she laced her fingers in his and gave his hand a small squeeze.

“I will leave you to your meeting now, see you at dinner.” Summer pulled her hand away as she headed for the door.

“Summer—” he called after her but before he could ask any more questions he watched as she slipped through the door. Seconds later Nick came back to the room with the sound engineer next to him.  

“I heard we finally have a new song!”  

~~

Sand sat quietly at the dinner table in the familiar restaurant with everyone he knew and didn’t know. He had eaten here many times surrounded by friends and family but tonight he felt as if he sat alone, isolated by impending decisions devouring him from within. He sat dressed in the new clothes Summer had chosen for him. 

He peered down at his hands and nervously twisted the silver ring that now covered his ring tattoo. Summer had left it on top of the pile of clothes and Sand didn’t need to ask to know that it had been left there as an instruction to wear it tonight.

Sand looked up from his fingers to survey the room once again. Everyone Sand cared about was there except for him. He checked his phone again, still nothing. All afternoon he had tried calling, messaging, voicemail but there had been nothing in return. Sand was worried. He needed this dinner to be over with, he needed to check on Ray. The last time he had gone silent he ended up drunk in someone else’s bed. Sand tried desperately to convince himself that Ray wouldn’t do the same now.

I just need some time.

Nick casually walked over to where Sand and Summer sat side by side at a top table. He took a long drink from a champagne glass, before speaking with them.

“Wow, Summer, you really did invite everyone.”

“Of course, I wanted everyone to be here”

“Except Ray” murmured Nick into his glass before taking another drink. Sand shot him a look.

“Sorry Nick, did you say Ray?” Summer asked politely.

“Yeah, Ray’s not here. I would have thought “everyone” would have included Ray; he is our sponsor after all.” Sand shot Nick another look.

“I did invite him if that’s what you’re asking but it looks that he couldn’t make it, it is a shame.”

Sand stopped glaring at Nick to look at Summer, “You invited Ray?!” Nick took his chance and quickly turned and walked away mumbling something about needing another drink.

“You seem surprised that I would invite him.” Her tone was calm and even. Sand was surprised.

“I am! After everything that happened, I didn’t think you wanted him anywhere near you or me.”

“You told me to trust you that nothing was going on and I am choosing to do just that. We are having a baby and getting married. It would be a bad start to our life together if we did not trust each other, right?”

Distracted, Sand could only nod in response. He needed this dinner to end quicker now more than ever. No wonder Ray wasn’t picking up. Sand needed to get to him before he really did do anything stupid.

“Wait, when did you talk to Ra..”

But his question was cut off when a sudden clink on a glass with a fork, gained everyone’s attention, and the room fell silent. Sand felt his cheeks burning hot when Summer stood up and cleared her throat. He still didn’t know what announcement she was going to make, but he knew he wouldn’t feel good about it. His stomach churned as he waited for Summer to start.

“So… Hi everyone. Before starting I wanted to thank you all for accepting our invitation even though it was a bit last minute. But I just couldn’t imagine not having you all here to share this very special moment with us.” Sand gulped hard and did his best to return the excited smiles from the crowd that filled the restaurant.

Summer happily continued, oblivious to Sand’s struggle beside her. “A special thanks to my parents who always supported me and my decisions. A special thanks to Sand’s mother, who has treated me like her own daughter and to our friends who have walked with us through our journey.” 

“Are you breaking up?” Laughter erupted on the neighbouring table, but Summer’s glare made everyone quiet once again. 

“Very funny, Nick, but I wouldn’t give him up that easily”. Summer smiled at Nick, but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. She returned her attention back to the crowd.

Sand mouthed at Nick, “What’s wrong with you?” 

Nick rolled his eyes and took another drink.

“No one worry, it's actually the opposite.” 

Sand sat up straighter and pulled on Summer’s hand to get her attention. “Summer, opposite what do you mean?” he whispered quickly. 

Summer ignored him and carried on with her announcement.

“But before we get to that, if everyone could please have a look in front of you.” She pointed at a plate of cupcakes that was served to each table after the main course. “In front of everyone there is a cupcake, I would like to ask you all to take a bite of it at the same time and show your table the colour that’s inside. Pink for a girl, Blue for a boy.” The crowd exchanged confused glances as they picked up the identical cupcakes and examined them.

“Surprise everyone, we are about to find out the gender of the baby.”

“Summer… Summer! You know the baby’s gender?” Sand’s eyes widened at her reveal. She happily nodded and couldn’t keep the excitement from her face. This wasn’t the announcement he had expected, nor had he expected the spark of happiness that ignited inside of his chest. For a moment Sand forgot about everything else and held tightly onto Summer’s hand. “Why didn't you tell me? Baby!” 

“I wanted to surprise you. I don’t like keeping secrets from you, but I wanted to see your reaction.” Summer giggled as she tightened her grip on Sand’s hand. 

“I want Sand to give you all the cue to bite into cupcake” Summer announced to the room, as she pulled Sand awkwardly to his feet. 

Sand hesitated. Instead of having Ray beside him, celebrating life events together, being excited together, he was here, celebrating hand in hand with someone else. Someone he would never love the same, could never love the same. Even at this moment Ray was in his thoughts. 

Summer nudged Sand and he knew he needed to carry on the façade at least for tonight. He cleared his throat, forced the smile onto his face, held the cupcake in his hand and encouraged the room. “Please take a bite everyone.” 

And everyone did. Someone exclaimed in excitement “It’s a girl”

“No, you idiot, that’s the colour of a normal cupcake” someone shouted back. The room laughed and continued to look around excitedly for the reveal.

“It’s a boy.” Sand whispered as he looked down at his own cupcake.

“It’s a boy!” Summer shouted happily to the cheering room as she watched Sand uncover the colour within. Sand could only stare at the blue colour beaming in front of him. The tears welled in his eyes, from happiness or disbelief, he would never know.  He was going to be a father of a baby boy. He turned to Summer and instinctively pulled her close.

Overwhelmed, Sand hugged Summer and buried his face in his hair. The tears continued to fall unrestrained. “We are going to have a son” he whispered into her ear before kissing her cheek. Happiness swelled in his heart as the thought of having a son filled him.

Summer was the one who broke the hug first. She cleared her throat as she wiped away the tears falling from her own eyes.

“Just wait” She whispered, “There’s one more thing”.

Summer turned and shushed the crowd with a gesture of her hands. “I have one more surprise for Sand”.

Summer walked away from the table for a few moments and the crowd murmured amongst themselves wondering what she had up her sleeve next. She returned carrying a black guitar case and happily presented it to Sand.

Sand took it but looked at her confused, “I don’t understand, do you want me to sing or..”

“Open it” she replied brightly.

Sand placed the case on the table and carefully clicked open the latches. Inside was a brand-new acoustic guitar.

“Summer, what is this, I have a guitar, you didn’t need to do this”. Sand had lowered his voice so only Summer could hear him.

Summer raised her voice so the whole room could hear them once again. “Read the inscription inside”.

Not wanting to cause any issue, Sand complied with the request. “It says Sand and Summer and there’s a date.” He looked at the date confused. “What’s the date for, its next week sometime?” Sand carefully placed the guitar back in the case as he waited on Summer to explain.

Summer kept her voice loud, she took Sand’s hand in hers again as she turned to the room and announced clearly, “It’s our wedding date. Sand and I will be getting married next week. She beamed as the room erupted into applause and cheers.

Sand dropped Summer’s hand in shock, but she was quick to grab it and held onto it tightly, not letting go of him. 

“Invitation letters will be sent out tomorrow morning with the time and location, we hope all of you can come. We cannot wait to celebrate another happy occasion with everyone.” 

Summer turned and reached up to kiss Sand quickly. He flinched and pulled away from her still trying to consume the announcement of their wedding. His smile had disappeared and the tears in his eyes had dried instantly. 

He desperately wanted to escape, to run but he couldn’t. Well-wishers rushed the table to congratulate the pair. Friends and family circled them, all talking at once. His mother, her parents, relatives, friends excitedly asking questions, reaching out to hug him, shake his hand, tell him what a great father and husband he will be, cutting off every escape route.

Sand stood rooted to the spot. He felt himself drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper, words faded into nothingness as reality crashed over him again and again.

Nick could see his friend crumbling and rushed forward. “Sorry, everyone I need to borrow the father and husband-to-be for a moment, urgent business”.

Nick didn’t wait for a response before taking Sand by the arm and dragging him outside the restaurant into the cool of the evening air. 

Without saying a word, Sand immediately hit the call button on his phone.

Please Ray, answer your phone!

Chapter Text

🎵

Sand ended the unanswered call. His eyes lingered on the name on the screen for a few seconds, before the screen turned black. An uneasy heart pounded inside his tight chest as he turned to Nick.

“I need to go, I need to find him” Sand gulped, his thoughts racing. “I have to explain, I - ”

“Sand! Are you crazy?” Nick shook his head, holding Sand’s arm firmly before he could walk away. “You can’t leave now. It’s your party! What would I say to Summer?!”

“I don’t know, make something up. I just – “

The distant din of music coming from inside the restaurant suddenly grew in volume as the front door was pushed open from inside.

Sand stood on the pavement, illuminated against the dark of the evening by a nearby streetlight. He did not turn around and did not see the tall man in his mid fifties, exiting the building and heading straight for him.

“- I need to go now!” Sand finished with a certain urgency noticeable in his tone.

“Oh, go where?” Sand’s feet pinned to the ground at the familiar voice. A large hand dropped on his shoulder sending panic through him. The grip was strong and Sand could almost swear his shoulder was dislocated. Turning around slowly, Summer’s father was looking at him with a suspicious raise of an eyebrow. “Not running out on my pregnant daughter already, are you?” 

“Eh, no Sir.” Collecting whatever courage was left in him, Sand forced his lips to stretch in a smile, hoping it looked natural enough for his soon to be father in law to believe in his next lie. “I mean I need to go back inside to Summer. She must be wondering where I am. Nick has taken up enough of my evening already.” 

Summer’s fathers laughter echoed through the dark void of the night, sending a shiver down Sand's spine. “Good boy, I was only joking, I know you can be trusted to take care of my girl. In fact, I am just coming to fetch you. As the father of the bride, I have a speech to give, and I cannot start without the groom.” He smiled as he playfully shook Sand’s shoulder.

Sand’s face paled at the word “groom”. The word sounded heavy, piling more weight on his already burdened chest. However, Sand knew better than to show how hesitant he was. He took a deep breath, straightened his back to recover his composure quickly and subtly. Summer’s father draped a firm arm around Sand's shoulders and turned him back towards the restaurant door and Sand reluctantly felt himself being pushed back inside. 

Just before they disappeared through the door, Sand threw a desperate but silent plea to Nick to keep trying Ray’s number. Nick casually nodded so as not to arouse any suspicion from the man leading Sand away and remained outside. Sand watched Nick’s reflection in the glass door and was relieved to see Nick take his phone from his pocket and start dialing.

It will be okay. Sand said to himself. Everything has to be okay 

~~

Once back inside Sand was caught up in a whirlwind of congratulations, hugs, handshakes and jokes about keeping his pregnant fiancée happy in such a stressful time once again. He did his best to smile through it all, but he couldn’t ignore the icy feeling creeping across his chest and eventually his face. He had kept an eye on the door, waiting for Nick to come back inside and hopefully tell him that he had found Ray, but the minutes ticked by and there was no sign of Nick coming back.

Unaware that a pair of warm eyes was watching him from across the crowded space for a while, Sand jumped when a hand wrapped around his arms. Expecting it to be Summer, wanting to share the moment with him, Sand was met with his mom’s light brown eyes instead. A warm smile stretched across her rosy cheeks as she pulled him, stealing him from the adoring crowd that had gathered tightly around him.

Sand wondered how long she had been watching him, because he swore, his mom had the perfect timing. She understood he needed saving. When the situation started to overwhelm him, she knew exactly when to swoop in and quickly lead him to a secluded table in the back of the restaurant, away from the noise and chaos of the ongoing party.

Sand sat down in the booth next to her. His mom’s eyes lingered on his face. Searching in his eyes and expression. Observing him. She noticed how her son’s shoulders slumped and how he rested his head, with closed eyes, back against the fake leather.

“So, Son—” 

Sand opened his eyes slowly and tilted his head towards his mother. “Hmm?”

“How long has he been back?”

Sand froze instantly. His eyes widened for a second, before he relaxed them. But it was too late. They gave him away immediately and his mother knew her guess was right.

“Who?” Sand tried to play it off, with a hesitant smile.

“Oh, you know who. Don’t try to fool me, Sand, I’m your mother and I know you better than you know yourself.” Sand couldn’t bring himself to answer or lie. He stared at his mom instead, expecting to see anger on his mom’s face. However, the warmth of her smile never disappeared as she generously filled two glasses with whiskey, placing one in front of him while she took a small sip from the other. “Ray, Sand. How long has he been back?”

Sand looked up at this mother, searching her face for answers. “How did you know? Did Nick tell you?”

“He didn't need to tell me.” She shook her head, nonchalantly as she took another sip from her whiskey. “There has only ever been one person to cause my son such frown lines on his beautiful face and I am sure as hell it has never been Summer.”

Sand let out a long sigh. He always loved that his mother knew him so well but at this moment he wished she didn’t. He didn’t even know where to begin. His mother nudged him in the arm, she wasn’t going to let him away without telling her what had been going on.

“A few weeks,” Sand mumbled, finally cracking. He reached for the glass and took a much-needed drink.

“And has something happened?” She pressed.

“Maybe” Sand was still mumbling, taking another sip. His legs were shaking underneath the table no longer able to keep all his worries hidden. 

“Maybe, Huh?”

Sand looked at his mother, ashamed to tell her exactly what that something was.

“And is that something making you question things about how you move forward with Summer by any chance.”

“Maybe” was all he could mutter again. His voice was coming out small and weak. If anyone could strip him of all his secrets, it was his mom. He felt like a small boy who had just lied about not eating chocolate when his face was smeared with evidence. 

Guilt. Shame. Fear. 

He felt them all at once. All his failures laid bare. 

As a son. 

As a lover. 

As a soon to be father. 

“Sand, let me be honest with you.” A sigh escaped  his mom's throat as she placed down her glass of whiskey. “I always liked Ray, I did. From the moment I met him I could see why you fell for him, and I saw the way he looked at you. I saw how much you loved each other.”

Sand looked at her and a smile almost reached his lips as he remembered the beginning of everything.

His mother reached for his hand and held it firmly.

“But that was in the beginning. By the end you looked at each other much differently. I saw the fallout of Ray not getting what he wanted. I was there Sand, and I listened as you vented, cried and wished for things to be different. I saw the light fade from that relationship long before you did.”

“But things are different now, I’ve changed, he’s changed.” Sand spoke a little more loudly.

“Sand, you gave Ray a choice a long time ago and he didn’t choose you!” Her words were firm and protective. She could not bear to see Sand go through all that again. 

Sand averted his gaze and went back to watching the ice swirling in the glass that was clasped firmly in his hand. How could he even begin to explain that everything felt different now. How could he convince her when he was only just convincing himself. He knew it would sound crazy, delusional and more like wishful thinking than reality.

She gave his hand another comforting squeeze. “I know that there is a lot of change going on in your life and I have never been one to tell you how to live it or who to live it with. But you should know that it is only natural to get cold feet when things are moving so fast.”

“You think I am just using Ray as an excuse to escape?!” Sand didn’t try to hide the annoyance creeping across his face.

“That’s not what I said, I said its normal to get cold feet, to question if what you are doing is right.”

“Same thing!”

“It’s not Sand. If you are contemplating not going through with the marriage because you are not sure you can live your life with Summer well that is one thing. But if you are considering leaving Summer because Ray walked back into your life, well that’s something completely different.”

Sand opened his mouth to argue back but how do you argue with logic. So, he poured himself another drink in silence and allowed his mother to continue with her words of wisdom.

“So, before anything happens, or you make any sort of hasty decisions I would ask you to think long and hard if this is what you really want or are you considering returning to what you know because it’s a safe choice.”

“Ray has never been a safe choice.” Sand countered.

“Not conventionally no. But you know what you are getting with Ray even if it is not the best thing for you. A life with Summer is the unknown. What I will say is that she is a good girl Sand. She has always had your best interests at heart, and I know that she will build a good and happy home for you and my grandson.”

“I know,” came the sad reply.

“Whatever you decide, cheating on someone is never a good option.” Sand looked at her and could see the disappointment as she spoke.

“You were heartbroken when Ray cheated on you”???

“Nearly cheated,” Sand corrected, and his mother gave him a stern look to stop.

“As I was saying, you were destroyed by what he did, and I do not want to see Summer go through the same thing and certainly not at the hand of my son.” Her tone was firm.

“You’re right,” Sand conceded.

“Of course I’m right, I’m your mother!” and she smiled.

Sand looked up at her and seeing her little lost boy, she couldn’t help her own instincts.  She pulled him in tight and gave him the kind of comforting hug only a mother can give.

“I love you Sand, and I want you to be happy for all your life. I will support you regardless of what you choose but I want you to make sure that whatever you choose you do it for the right reasons. And for pity’s sake do it soon.”

Sand nodded into her shoulder as it grew damp from his tears.

She pulled him away and held him firm by one arm as she used her other hand to wipe away his tears.

 “Just know that I will always be proud of you, and I know that regardless of what happens you will be a better father than your own one could ever be. You learned from the best after all,” and she puffed her chest our proudly.

Sand finally cracked a smile, and with that, she kissed his head. Sand relaxed his shoulders for the first time in hours and melted into his mother’s side as she stroked his hair. It felt good to finally be able to speak to someone other than Nick about what had been going on. He had been stuck in his own thoughts for too long.

“You’ve never liked it easy huh, always going the hard route.”

Sand laughed, how could he not, she knew him too well.

Sand stayed hidden in the corner with his mother for some time, enjoying the peace the dimly light crevice provided from the onslaught of well-wishers and would-be party planners. They were mid conversation about some gossip from his mother’s club when Summer interrupted them.

“Sorry to interrupt guys but the party is over, and I am kinda tired. Sand can we go home now?”

Home. There was that word again.

He did want to go home but not to the apartment he shared with Summer. Every fibre of his being wanted to go to his apartment with Ray and find him, sort all this out once and for all. Unfortunately, he had no choice but to put that feeling aside at least for now and ensure that his pregnant fiancée made it home safely.

Sand reluctantly stood up from the table and moved to stand beside Summer where she immediately grabbed his hand and laced her fingers through his. He could feel how warm her hand was inside his, but the warmth did not spread to his heart. He was too lost, too confused, to feel anything but numb right now.

He looked over his shoulder to his mother, and she gave him an encouraging smile. “Goodnight Son. Summer, take good care of my son please.”

“Of course Mom, I always have and I always will,” Summer beamed as she answered.

Sand allowed himself to be lead through the restaurant as the remaining guests shouted their goodbyes and well wishes. As Summer reached for the door handle, it swung open from the outside and Nick stepped back inside the restaurant.

“Nick, I thought you had gone home, I haven’t seen you in ages.” Summer stated a little confused.

“Oh, eh, I was just outside, work calls, you know how it is. Are you two leaving?”

“Yes, sorry I am quite tired.”

“Of course, you must be, it’s been quite a long night. Could I borrow Sand for a quick moment, before you go?”

Summer cut Sand off before he allowed himself to be stolen again. “Sorry, Nick. We really must go, you can talk about work tomorrow. I am sure it can wait till then, but please feel free to stay and mingle with the others. I don’t think my parents are done celebrating yet,” and she gestured to the back of the restaurant where her father was happily pouring another drink.

Summer pulled Sand forward to the door again past Nick who stood silently as he watched his friend being led away.

Sand looked back quickly and risked a question, hoping Nick would catch on. “Nick, did you manage to contact that sound engineer?”

Nick looked confused for a split second until he caught on and Sand prayed Summer wouldn’t notice, “Sorry Sand, he’s not picking up, but I will keep trying.”

~~

The drive home was heavy with silence. 

Sand was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t notice that he hadn’t said one word to Summer the entire journey. His head swirled with thoughts of Ray, his mother’s words and more importantly how was he going to fix this mess.

The silence stretched and expanded by the time they reached the apartment. No words were spoken as they walked. Summer silently followed behind her partner until they got inside and closed the door. Sand placed his new guitar in the far corner of the small living room and turned around to see that Summer was still standing by the door, observing him.

She walked towards him and Sand stayed rooted to the spot, unsure of what else to do. “Sand, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Hmm?”  Sand was caught off guard by the question and his lack of ability to answer. No, he was most certainly not okay, but he was also not ready to get into the details of his misery now. Summer and the baby needed rest. “Nothing. Don’t worry, you should rest now.”

“You’ve been so quiet since the party, even during the party you didn’t seem like yourself. Is there something on your mind?” Summer pushed the topic, as she approached Sand, taking his hand in hers. “Talk to me.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to be distant; I was just recovering from your surprise is all.” The next words spilled out of his mouth before he could stop them. “Do you really think we should get married next week. It’s just so soon.”

Summer looked hurt for a moment but responded quickly. She let go of Sand’s hand, stepping back as she said,  “Well why not?  We already live together; we are having a baby so it’s only right that we are married before our son arrives.”

Sand could only nod along. Nothing that Summer was saying was incorrect and it would obviously make sense to anyone else looking at their situation.

“And I do not want to be a very pregnant bride.” Summer continued.  “I already found the perfect dress and if we wait much longer, I won’t be able to fit into it.”

A common occurrence in Sand’s life where his mouth moves quicker than his brain. “So, the rush has nothing to do with Ray being back.”

Summer paused before throwing Sand a stern look “No Sand. It has nothing to do with …Him. We were engaged before he turned up and I just want us to be married before the baby arrives, that’s it!” Summer was almost shouting now.

Sand moved to calm her quickly.  “I’m Sorry.  I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want to be sure that this is what you want, and you are not rushing into something.”

“It is what I want Sand,” and she protectively rubbed her hand in a circle over her pregnant stomach, “Is it still what you want?”

Sand paused as he watched her hand make the slow circles. His son, their son was in there. He walked towards her and placed his hand over hers “I want this.” It wasn’t a complete lie; Sand wanted the baby just not sure if he wanted everything else that came with the baby.

“You should rest. I’ll come to bed soon, I just want to unwind a bit first. The party was a lot.”

Summer returned to her usual calm disposition and reached up on her tippy toes and kissed him goodnight. Sand smiled as reassuringly as he could, not wanting to cause any unnecessary stress to her or the baby, not until at least he was sure what he was going to do.

Sand waited impatiently until he was sure that Summer had settled into a peaceful sleep before pulling out his phone again and checking for any calls or messages. There was only a voicemail from Nick.

“Hey Sand, its Nick, I’ve been calling Ray all night but all I get is his voicemail. He must have his phone turned off or something. I’m sure he will turn up. Most likely with the world’s worst hangover but you know Ray, he won’t stay away forever. Just give him the night to cool off and talk to him tomorrow. Try get some sleep and I will see you at the studio tomorrow.”

Try get some sleep, “nice suggestion Nick” Sand mused, “but how the fuck am I supposed to sleep with all this going on.”

Whenever his mind became such a mess there was only ever one thing that helped him work through things. He walked through the living room to the where his guitar sat on the sofa, picked it up, paused and then also grabbed a bottle of whiskey form the shelf before heading for the cool night air the balcony could provide. He closed the door so the sound would not disturb Summer, and he settled into his favourite chair.

He took a long drink from the whiskey bottle before setting it done beside the wicker chair. He checked the tuning on his guitar before he began to strum away mindlessly. The melody came first as he delicately played some familiar chords, then the lyrics came softly from his lips as if already written.

I think I’ve lost it

All the magic

All the innocence

Time is tragic

I sit by and watch it

I’m out of options

Home has changed

And now nothing feels the same

He felt the salty tears flow unrestrained down his cheeks and tasted them as he sang. He didn’t care to even try stop them. Tonight, he would let them flow in the solitude of balcony. It reminded him of the time he was on the mountains after he and Ray broke up. Just him and his guitar. The cold mountain air against his skin always kept him in the moment and allowed clarity to take over his thoughts. Back then he knew he had done the right thing. It was painful and sad, but it was the right thing.

But now sitting here he waited for the same clarity to come. To tell him that letting Ray go, was once again the right thing to do. But the cold air betrayed him and offered no peace.

As he continued to play gently his he thought of something Nick had once said. Would he ever have written a song, a true love song about Summer. He stopped playing and thought for a moment. If he had to write a song about Summer, what would he write? He sat in silence for a few more moments before striking up a different tune.

Well I just heard the news today

It seems my life is going to change

Well I don’t know if I’m ready

To be the man I have to be

I’ll take a breath, I’ll take her by my side

We stand in awe, we’ve created life

Sand suddenly stopped and realised that he wasn’t composing a song about Summer at all. He was composing a song about becoming a father. The thought stopped him dead. Was that all he thought of Summer. That she was the mother of his child. The love he felt, was it for her solely, or for her as the person that carried his son.

More confused than ever Sand thought back to a time before Ray had returned. He had loved Summer then; he was sure of it. Hadn’t they been happy together, just them. But if they were so happy, then how had Ray wormed his way back in so easily. His mind was going in circles.

Frustrated he kicked the metal railing that protected the balcony and instantly cursed himself for making the loud noise in case it woke Summer. He needed to calm down before he disrupted any of his neighbours with his outbursts. He strummed the guitar again lightly and resumed playing the first melody, abandoning the song for Summer.

 ~~

Woken by a sudden bang, Summer turned in the bed and saw that Sand had not joined her yet. She heard the faint tune of a guitar being played and she smiled. But the smile did not last long when she walked through the living room and saw her gift still abandoned in the corner. She looked out to the balcony and saw her fiancé playing his old guitar. A gift from someone else. She frowned and her hatred for Ray grew a little more.

She could hear the faint hum of sand singing but couldn’t make out the words. She silently crept into the kitchen as she had done on many nights and pushed open the window softly and allowed the sad melody to fill the kitchen.

Staying up all night now I’m exhausted

I think I’ve lost it

All the magic

All the innocence

Time is tragic

I sit by and watch it

I’m out of options

Home has changed

And now nothing feels the same

Summer stayed still as she listened to Sand pour out his own confused thoughts before whispering to the empty kitchen, You're right Sand! Your home has changed. We are your home now.

She wiped away the angry tears and silently cursed Ray for ever coming back and turning their perfect world upside down.

 After a moment Sand stopped playing and Summer waited to see if he would move to come to bed, but he didn’t. She heard a bottle being placed back on the ground and the sound of the guitar started again. She sighed and quietly pulled the window closed, leaving Sand to his own company. Nothing good would come from trying to get answers now. She returned to their room and sadly crawled into her side of the bed and drifted back into an uneasy sleep.

~~

Sand was exhausted but couldn’t stop his mind racing, wondering if Ray was okay or if he was soon to receive another desperate message asking for him to be picked up from some crappy apartment block.

Unable to follow Nick’s advice to leave things until tomorrow, he picked up his phone and once again dialled Ray’s number. Straight to voicemail. This time Sand decided to leave a message.

Ray. It’s me. Please talk to me. I need to know you are okay.  I’m so sorry for all this. I didn’t know Summer was going to do this. I didn’t know she was going to call you. I am trying to figure out what to do for the best, but I need to talk to you. Please tell me where you are. Please tell me you’re okay.

Sand paused.

Ray, I don’t think I can -

Ray saw the notification pop up on his phone for the voicemail. The light from his phone illuminated the dark room. Ray sighed before reaching for his phone. There had been days where he prayed for notifications from Sand but not today. He drained the clear liquid from the glass before gathering his strength to listen to the recording. He dialled his voicemail and placed his phone on speaker and allowed Sand’s voice to fill the silence. Ray made no reaction until the last sentence rang out.

Ray, I don’t think I can go through with this if you are not here. Will you be here?

“No Sand, I won’t.” Ray whispered sadly as the voicemail ended. Ray picked up his phone and dried a stray tear before he searched for Sand’s contact and for the first time ever, he blocked Sand’s number. He placed his phone back on the table and picked up his glass and drained it. 

The host in the private room walked over upon seeing the empty glass. 

“Another water Sir? Or would you prefer something stronger?”

“Water will be fine.” Ray replied quietly. 

Chapter Text

I got you for the 2nd time 🤭🤭🤭

Chapter Text

🎵

Summer stirred early the next morning and enjoyed a brief moment of bliss, feeling the unmistakable weight of Sand beside her on their bed. She kept her eyes closed, listening to his calm breathing, allowing the rhythm to comfort her. She curled onto her side refusing to open her eyes as she desperately held onto one of the few peaceful moments they had shared lately and wished it would last forever. 

But her contentment was quickly shattered as the memory of Sand alone on their balcony last night swept over her like a cold shower. She reluctantly opened her eyes and gazed across at him, surveying his familiar face as he continued to sleep, unaware of his despondent observer. She frowned as she wondered who fueled his dreams. She wanted to crawl inside his head and see what was really going on.  

Summer sighed quietly as she saw that he was still dressed in his clothes from yesterday, he looked as if he had barely found his way to bed before sleep overcame him. He had not even gotten into bed, choosing to sleep on top of the covers instead. The position troubled her. Sand had never chosen to sleep like this before, it was a glaring reminder of the distance growing between them ever since Ray made his unwelcome return. Summer rolled onto her back as she reminisced about how waking up cuddled close to Sand, listening to the slow rhythm of his heart as he slept had once been their normal morning routine.

How long has it been since I heard  his heart?

With that troubled thought resting uneasily in her mind, Summer turned back and reached out her small hand to caress his face. She hated seeing him like this, she hated that his peace —their peace— had been so quickly, so easily disturbed. Even in sleep, he could not find sanctuary from everything. He looked troubled and again she hated it. Hated Ray for causing all of this. She gently stroked his hair hoping to see him settle into a more restful slumber as the anger continued to bubble up inside her.  

This is not how it is supposed to be. Fuck you Ray! You’re ruining everything! 

She turned away quickly and slipped silently from their bed, ensuring not to wake Sand.  She headed for the kitchen but as she padded through the living room and looked around,  her mind raced with thoughts of what more she could do to convince Sand that his home was with her, not him. She had successfully done it once but she couldn't believe she had to do it all over again! The anger inside her boiled over as she walked and she kicked out at the couch in frustration as she passed and helplessly watched as Sand’s guitar, that had been resting against it, fell over with a small bang. 

“Shit, his guitar.” 

Summer paused as she glared at the instrument laying on the cold floor. She remembered the first time she asked Sand about it and where it came from. “ An old friend bought it for me.” 

“ An old friend,” Summer repeated sarcastically as she moved to retrieve it from where it had fallen. She picked it up and looked it over to see if it had been damaged. It was still intact and that immediately disappointed her. 

Shame

She continued to turn it over in her hands until she saw the inscription on the inside. The words engraved in its heart mocked her. Words that definitely weren't from a friend. Overcome with rage, she grasped the guitar by its neck, raised it and smashed it with as much force as she could muster against the hard floor. The instant crack echoed through the silent apartment. She breathed deeply as she opened her eyes and looked at the broken pieces. The guitar’s body hung limply from the neck, attached now only by a few metal strings. The instrument successfully decapitated, Summer threw it merciselly back on the couch. 

One less unwelcome piece of Ray in their home . 

Summer cast her eyes over the damage and suddenly worried if the noise had woken Sand but when she didn’t hear any stirring coming from the bedroom she breathed a quick sigh of relief and continued to the kitchen, smiling as she went. 

With the air of a well trained barista, Summer set about making Sand his favourite coffee. With the aroma of the freshly brewed coffee drifting through the apartment, and a plan forming in her mind, Summer picked up the mug and headed back to the bedroom, smirking once more as she passed the broken instrument lying defeated on the couch.  

She placed the mug carefully on the bedside locker next to Sand before walking around to her side and climbing back onto the bed. She leaned across and gently kissed Sand on his cheek successfully rousing him from his deep sleep. 

“Good morning,” Summer whispered brightly beside his ear. 

Sand rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he slowly woke up. For a moment he lay there confused as to why he was still dressed, that was until he looked across at Summer, smiling warmly at him, before the events of yesterday crashed into him like a freight train. He closed his eyes again to avoid looking at Summer, afraid she would be able to read his mind. 

I need to find Ray. 

As his senses returned to normal functions, Sand moved to get out of bed but Summer grabbed his arm and swiftly pulled him back down beside her. 

“Where are you going so early, I’ve made you some coffee”, she questioned as she gestured to the steaming mug beside him. 

“Sorry Summer but I have to go.I promised Nick I would go to the studio early today and I am already late”, Sand lied. 

He moved to leave again but Summer was surprisingly strong when she wanted to be and kept a firm grip on his arm. Trapped, Sand sighed and finally looked at her. He couldn’t help but see the desperation in her eyes and he hated himself. She didn’t deserve this.  

“Can't you just stay with me for a few minutes”, she pleaded, before adding  “I miss you”.

Sand closed his eyes and breathed deep in an effort to steady his nerves. Summer reached her hand forward and gently stroked his cheek for a second time. With closed eyes, Sand failed to move quick enough to avoid Summer’s next touch. Summer leaned down and gently kissed his soft exposed neck.  Sand froze at the touch and couldn’t move. Stunned at the action he was stuck not knowing what to do next. That was until her hand crept across his stomach to the hem of his crumpled shirt and moved under the fabric and continued its journey up his chest. Sand’s mind screamed at him to move. He swiftly grabbed her hand and quickly removed it from his chest and pinned it back in its original position on the bed. 

“What's wrong Sand,” Summer questioned. 

“Nothing, I just really do have to go.I’m sorry, but thanks for the coffee.” Sand turned to reach for the cup, he didn't really want it but anything he could do to escape this current situation was welcome.  

Summer, however, was not about to give up that easily. She once again moved too quickly for Sand to stop her. Without missing a step she positioned herself on top of Sand. She straddled his hips effectively pinning him to the bed. She giggled at her own actions and Sand’s heart sank. 

“Surely Nick can wait a few more minutes”  She whispered as she leaned down to kiss him. Sand panicked and pushed her off with too much force then was probably required. Summer lay on the bed stunned and didn’t say a word. Sand lay beside her breathing heavily, shocked at his own actions. He had never rejected Summer like this before and the look on her face nearly broke every resolve in his body. She didn’t deserve this. 

“I’m sorry Summer, but I really have to go.” Sand said quietly, breaking the loaded silence that had settled between them. He stood up facing his back to her, he just couldn't bear to look at her anymore. He hated himself so much for lying to her, none of this mess was her fault and he knew it. 

“Will you be gone all day?”

“I’ll be gone most of the day but I’ll be back tonight.” He added in an effort to ease the pain of his most recent rejection. 

Sand went to move but he paused. He could just tell her everything now, get it over with. 

He had almost told her everything last night. He had even gone to their bedroom to wake her up and confess everything. But once he saw her sleeping, she looked so peaceful and he couldn't bring himself to break her heart, especially not now. Not with Ray missing.  What would be the point of destroying everything if Ray was not going to be there at the end of it all. Ray’s disappearing act reminded him of how he felt the night Summer turned up and told him she was pregnant. Trapped with nowhere to go, nowhere to hide, nothing to do but accept that this was how his life was to be. 

He pushed the thought quickly from his mind. He wouldn't let it end like this, not again. He walked briskly across the bedroom, not daring to look behind him, and stopped only to grab a fresh t-shirt from the closet before leaving the room. He had intended to head straight for the front door but something caught his eye. 

His guitar lying broken, cast aside as if it was garbage. He slowly approached the couch and surveyed the damage. He was sure he already knew the answer but he couldn't help but ask anyway. He picked up the broken pieces and walked to the bedroom where Summer now sat with her arms folded protectively in front of her. 

“Summer, did you do this,” Sand asked, holding up the evidence of her rage. 

Summer glared at him. “It was an accident” she replied in a deadpan tone “it fell and broke when i walked past the couch”. 

“An accident?! Sand sighed heavily, “I’ve had this guitar for years.”

“Indeed. Since he gave it to you right?” She held eye contact, silently daring him to admit the real reason he was so upset by the loss. Not knowing how to respond, Sand answered with silence. 

The lack of response was enough to answer the question. Biting down on her lips, she took a deep breath in from her nose, before exhaling from her mouth. Summer continued “Well I think it's a good thing it’s broken. It was old and now you have a new one. Why would you need both?”

Sand lips parted to speak but his brain cut off the action. 

“Take your new one .. the one I gave you.” There was a firmness in her tone that Sand didn’t recognise. This was a side of Summer that he rarely saw. She had always been the sweet one with composed words and answers.He cursed himself for being the root cause of this change in her.  

Sand simply nodded in agreement, turned and left the room without another word. Summer heard the apartment door close and angrily punched her fists into the bed as she was left alone once more. 

Sand practically ran to his car and threw himself into the driver seat, slamming the door behind him. Once the door was closed and Summer was far away in the apartment, he allowed himself a moment to breathe. He gripped the top steering wheel in his hands and dropped his head to rest on hands as he recalled the moment he shared with Summer a few minutes ago. Sense of guilt and rejection washed over him and Summer’s hurt expression flashed at the back of his head. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. It felt so wrong to touch her, and feel her. His body had repulsed away and Ray… He couldn’t do that to Ray.  

Sand scoffed, disbelieving his own thoughts. He couldn’t touch his own fiancee cause it felt like he was betraying his lover. 

What a piece of shit you are, Sand . 

This was all so confusing and nothing would make sense until he got face to face with Ray.

With shaky hands, he lit a cigarette and allowed himself a couple for moments of peace in the solitude of the car before starting the engine and heading straight for Ray’s apartment. 

As he neared the apartment, his heart began to race. How angry would Ray be? How would he get him to listen? To understand? To believe him? To trust him?

Sand was fully aware of how the situation must appear to Ray. Surely Ray must think that he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. But it wasn’t the truth. Ray needed to believe him. Sand was sure that given some time to think, some time to figure out how to end things on good terms with Summer that he could make all this right, somehow. Ray needed to understand that it wasn’t just them anymore, there was a baby, his son, to consider. 

As he drove, Sand’s mind drifted back to the conversation they had had on the beach. To how certain Ray had been that his leaving would be for the best. Sand felt the familiar panic from that moment begin to tighten in his chest. The thought of losing Ray again was unbearable. But had he done enough to convince Ray that it was him and him only that was in Sand’s heart. 

Surely after their night together Ray must believe him.

Right?! 

But if that was true why wasn’t he answering his phone!?

Sand slammed his hands against the steering wheel in frustration. Sand dialled but his call went unanswered once again.  

Ray, don't be so stubborn! For fuck’s sake! Just answer!

Sand arrived at the apartment and braced himself. He was sure he would find Ray inside drowning himself in whiskey. This would be the least he would be worried about. A drunken angry Ray he could handle but a distant and quiet Ray made him anxious.  

Sand climbed the steps and crept along the quiet corridor to his old apartment door. He leaned up against it and listened for any sounds of life coming from inside. Hearing nothing, he took a deep breath and finally knocked on the door. He waited but no one came to the door. He thought about using his keys but he didn’t want to barge in on Ray. He wanted Ray to open the door to him. To let him back in. He knocked again, louder this time. 

“Ray, open the door!” he knocked a third time as he rested his head against the door. 

“Ray, please, I’m so sorry. Please, just let me explain,” he pleaded. 

The door remained closed. 

Maybe Ray was passed out and couldn’t hear the door? Sand considered that maybe he should use his key after all but then again if Ray was passed out, maybe it was best to let him sleep it off before trying to talk to him. 

Sand sighed, turned and began to walk back down the corridor. He stopped and spun around hopefully when he heard the sound of a door being unlocked. 

“Oh Sand! I haven’t seen you around here in so long,” came his neighbour, Mrs Petkaew's voice. 

Mrs Petkaew had been their neighbour forever. She always had a soft spot for them and treated them like her own grandchildren, often sending them in leftovers from a meal she had prepared. When she did it was always a good night. Her cooking was superior. 

“Eh, yeah I left for a while, have you seen Ray this morning?” 

“I haven’t seen him since yesterday. He left around lunchtime.”

“Did you talk to him, by any chance? Maybe he said where he was going?” Sand asked hopefully. 

“I did actually, he called in and gave me a spare key. He said he was going away for a while and asked if I could pop in and water his plants. He wanted to make sure the Monstera was taken care of properly. He even left written instructions,” she giggled. “Such a thoughtful boy.” 

Going away for a while?! Sand took a step forward “did he say where he was going? When he was coming back? Anything?”

“Sorry Sand he didn’t say anything else, have you two had a fight?” Sand bowed his head, poor Mrs Petkaew, her memory really wasn’t the best anymore. 

“Something like that” he nodded sadly, “Okay, thank you Mrs Petkaew. I'll be heading off now. Take care.”

“I’ll send you boys in some leftovers later today. I’m making pad thai,” she happily announced and Sand forced a smile. He bowed his goodbye and headed solemnly back to his car and spoke to the empty passenger seat. 

“We don’t have time for hide and seek Ray!” He leaned his head back against the headrest and exhaled, Someone must know where you’re trying to hide. 

Sand peeled out of the parking garage and headed straight for Ray’s usual hangouts. Sand tried YOLO, the hostel, even his father’s house but no one had heard from Ray in days. Sand called Mew, Cheum, even Boston but no one had heard from him either. He had even tried the hospitals and local police stations just in case something had happened but there was nothing. It was like he had vanished. 

Exasperated and not knowing where else to go, Sand found himself back in front of Ray’s apartment door. This time he opened the door with his keys. He cautiously pushed open the door and stepped inside. Glancing around, everything looked the same as it did the morning he had last seen Ray there, maybe even a little tidier. Nothing appeared to be missing or out of place. Sand made his way cautiously through the apartment looking for any indication to explain Ray’s sudden absence, but everything was normal, that was until he found his way to the bedroom. 

Sand stood still in the doorway of the bedroom, struck by the chaos of the room. The wardrobe and the drawers have been pulled apart as if someone had packed in a hurry. Sand entered and  slowly walked around the room, examining the scene before him. This was definitely not how he had left it yesterday. He noticed that the bottom drawer that had contained his clothes, that Ray had so carefully kept all these years, remained closed. He opened the drawer and his clothes were still there, untouched, purposely left behind. 

There was only one thing out of place, the first t-shirt that Sand had ever given Ray now lay folded on top of the other clothes.. That hadn’t been there yesterday. Sand was sure he would have noticed it before now. It had been his private joke on Ray, Poor Boy. Without thinking, Sand picked up the shirt and held it close and inhaled deeply. It still smelled like Ray. 

The bathroom told a similar story. Just the essentials had been taken and the rest left behind, discarded carelessly in the sink or on the floor. The toothbrush that Ray had given him now sat alone in the jar on the sink. 

As he slowly walked back to the bedroom, the tightness gripping his chest began to overwhelm him and he needed to sit down. He sat on the edge of the bed, looking at the mess around him. His mind raced with possibilities, scenarios that could explain all of this. In reality he was looking for an excuse, a reason, anything that could explain why Ray had left, without acknowledging the obvious. 

Ray had made the choice for him. 

Sand’s phone buzzed with a message. He reached for it quickly hoping it was Ray ready with a story that would explain all of this. But disappointment rained as he read the message from Nick asking where he was. 

Sand gathered himself and his scattered thoughts as best he could before standing up. He finally took a deep breath and stood up. The answers he was looking for were not to be found here, he needed to keep looking. He took one last look around and it was then he noticed an envelope resting against a candle on the bedside locker. His heart sank to the pit of his stomach and he slowly picked it up. The white envelope had Sand scrawled across the front in Ray’s familiar handwriting. 

Sand leaned against the wall, he needed the support the flat surface offered as his legs had begun to shake as he opened the innocent looking rectangle of white. He carefully unfolded the single page contained within and began to read, 

My Dearest Sand, 

Any support his legs or the wall offered quickly left him as he read through the letter. Sand felt himself slide down the wall unable to hold himself up any longer. He curled his knees into his chest and rested his head on his knees as the weight of the words crushed him and everything he thought he knew. His warm tears began to soak through his jeans and the sensation brought him back into the present. His phone buzzed again and he launched it across the room in anger. He ran his fingers through as he rested his head against the cold wall. He heard his phone ring from across the room and this time there was no hope in his heart that it would be Ray. 

~

“Well did you find him?!” Nick asked as Sand threw his jacket on the back of the chair. 

“No.” 

Nick waited for more, but Sand didn’t offer up anything else, but the look on Sand’s face and the deadness in his eyes told Nick that there was more to know. 

“So, is that it then, he’s just gone?” 

“Yup.” came Sand’s sarcastic reply. 

The confusion on Nick’s face was evident but Sand turned his back to him, he did not wish to explain any further. The anger inside was consuming him and he needed to do something, anything to distract himself. 

He had barely managed to drive here without causing an accident. The letter and its contents were burning in his pocket, Ray’s words on a constant loop in his head. He had shoved the letter into his jacket pocket as he left the apartment for what he assumed was the last time. He should have left it behind, he knew it. He had thought about it as he threw the t-shirt that he had been holding onto the bed but he just couldn’t. He needed it. Needed this one reminder. 

“Eh okay, so what are you going to do now?” Sand turned and glare at Nick, his dark eyes staring coldly, all of their usual warmth gone, 

“I will carry on with my life as if he never returned.” Sand replied flatly, all emotion missing from his words. Sand turned away again and began looking through some pages of lyrics laying on the table from a previous session. He picked up one page and read through it before angrily tearing it up and throwing it angrily in the bin. He kicked the bin for good measure. 

“Wait Sand, so you’re still gonna marry Summer, even after all of this?!”

“Yup” came the single word reply again. Nick exhaled, afraid of his next words but it was now or never. 

“Sand!” Nick shouted to get his full attention and it worked. “Listen, I don’t know what has just happened but you can’t marry her! Even if Ray is not in the picture anymore which I am assuming he’s not given your attitude this morning but we both know that Summer is not right for you!”

“I’m not doing this Nick. Not with you, we agreed.” Sand’s response was cold and firm. 

Nick sighed “I’m not talking about that Sand! But Summer -” 

“You won’t be happy to see me with anyone” Sand snapped cutting across whatever lecture Nick was intending on giving him. 

Nick took a step forward and felt himself getting angry at Sand’s reluctance to listen to him, “It’s not like that” he almost shouted at Sand. 

“Like what?”

They were both turned in unison, surprised by the new voice entering their argument. Summer walked across the studio to the now silent pair. She stood next to Sand, linking her arm around his and smiled at Nick. Sand bit his tongue and looked at Nick silently urging Nick to shut up and say nothing further on the matter. Nick immediately backed away from the conversation and looked at the ground instead.  

“What’s not like that?” Summer pressed looking up at Sand and then across to Nick. 

“Oh eh, Nick thought I was trying to get out of recording today by forgetting my guitar on purpose,“ Sand offered the lie and hoped Nick would back him up. 

“Oh sorry Nick! That’s my fault, but I came by to fix it.” Summer giggled as he skipped by the pair back to the corridor and returned confidently holding the new guitar. She pushed the instrument into Sand’s hands, “I’ve brought this for you. You forgot it in your rush to leave this morning.” Her words were happy but her eyes told a different story as he held eye contact with Sand. Sand searched her face but said nothing, grateful when Nick finally broke the heated silence. 

“Eh, It's not great to change instruments halfway through recording; it makes the tone inconsistent. Where is his other one?”

“Gone,” snapped Summer before regaining her composure. She changed her tone back to its usual sweet sound, “So you will have to make it work with the new one. But you're so creative, I’m sure you can do it,” she continued, placing a hand on Nick’s shoulder, “Sand just needs to get used to it.”

Nick nodded slowly. “So can I ask what happened to your old guitar?” 

“Long story,” Sand replied without emotion as he picked up the new one and solemnly headed into the booth, avoiding eye contact with anyone.  

Nick frowned as he watched Sand move across the studio and lock himself behind the glass. 

Summer watched as Sand opened the guitar case and lifted out the new instrument, examining it for the first time. She grinned before jumping up and happily announcing that she needed to leave as she still had lots to organise for their quickly approaching wedding. 

Summer moved to leave, but Nick wasn’t finished with her yet. Something had happened this morning and he wanted to know what. 

“Summer!” he shouted and she paused before turning to face him. 

Nick moved closer to her and his tone was more serious now that Sand couldn’t hear them. “What happened to Sand’s guitar?”

“I told you, it's gone.” She replied coldly. “But It’s okay he has a new one now” She smiled but quickly dropped the smile and her expression changed to something darker as she continued “he doesn't need that one anymore.” She stared past Nick and directly at Sand. 

Nick moved in front of her trying to break her view of Sand but she refused to look at him. Nick was not ready to give up,

“What did you do-” 

“I got rid of it!” She snapped cutting across the end of his question. 

“Its presence  …” She finally tore her eyes away from Sand and stared directly at Nick, continuing through gritted teeth “was no longer required!”  

Nick frowned as he searched her contorted face for more of an explanation. 

He moved to speak but she moved quicker. 

She replaced her smile quickly and placed her hand on Nick’s shoulder, “tell Sand not to be late for dinner, I’m making something special,” Summer then reached up and gave Nick a quick kiss on the cheek, in which Nick gave her a disgusting look as he wiped away the kiss with the back of his hand. “you’re such a good friend Nick, the type that Sand deserves,”she smiled widely and turned without giving Nick a chance to respond. 

Summer walked briskly out of the studio leaving Nick and any further questions behind her.

With Summer gone, Nick paced in front of the glass that separated him and Sand and watched his friend, trapped in the room,struggling to tune and get comfortable holding the new guitar. 

The anxious feeling that had been rising from Nick’s toes since his private moment with Summer made him restless.

Exasperated and exhausted from the morning’s interactions, he sat down at the table and bowed his head. It was then, a flash of white sticking out of Sand’s jacket caught his attention. He checked that Sand was distracted and then reached for the envelope. He pulled the letter from its home and began reading silently, 

My Dearest Sand, 

They say revenge is a dish best served cold and they are not wrong. 

I hope you are reading this in our bedroom, sitting on our bed surrounded by the silence of our empty apartment. Maybe now you will understand the feeling of being abandoned by the one you love the most. Left alone in a place you once called home, surrounded by the haunting memories of a life that could have been. 

The day I woke up and you were gone was the worst day of my life and it's only right you experience the same pain. No explanation, no mention of where you were going, if you were ever going to come back, nothing. At least I have the good grace to leave you a note. 

I have done what I came here to do. You choose me, finally.

Now you know what could have been. If only you had stayed that night instead of running away from Us. And now that you know I will rip it all away just as you did. 

I loved you once, Sand, but not anymore. Now all I want is for you to hurt the way I hurt. 

I have proved that I am the one you will always love above anyone else. Look how easy it was to pull you away from Summer, to make you mine once again. You were willing to give it all up for me. You even passed the final test. You drove straight to me with no care for who got hurt. 

It was a good night, Sand, I won’t lie. I enjoyed myself but I enjoyed it even more knowing what was to come. 

I wish I could be there to witness you realize the truth. That I am the one you love and I have left you, just as you left me. That I have broken you just as you broke me and I have destroyed any hope for your happy ending just as you destroyed mine. 

This is how we end Sand, not on your terms but mine. 

Goodbye forever, 

Ray x 

Nick sat in shock, looking at the letter and its contents as the words swirled in front of him. He sat back in his chair and took a moment to try to make sense of everything. 

How could Ray do something like this?! Everything was a lie?! The sponsorship?! The years of phone calls?! The pleading for information?! Everything?! 

A loud bang from inside the recording booth finally brought him back from his spiralling thoughts. Quickly, Nick took a picture of the letter before stuffing the letter back into Sand’s pocket and walking quickly across to the control console. He pressed down the “talk” button and held it firmly as he spoke into the mic. 

“Sand, I need to go. Lock up before you leave.” He let go of the button, not wanting to wait on a response. 

“Wait, Nick, where are you going?!” Sand shouted after him. 

Nick yelled back as he grabbed his jacket and rushed out through the door, “To get you a wedding present!”

Chapter Text

Theme song: 

Nick was sure that he had already broken several speed limits in order to reach his destination but he neither cared nor slowed down. Once outside the building, he kindly held the door open for a resident struggling to carry some bags and keep the door open. Once the resident had passed him and thanked him, he carefully slipped inside the building, headed for the lift and made his way to the third floor. He rushed down the carpeted hallway, only stopping to double check the apartment number before he hammered his fist loudly against the door.

“Alright I’m coming. Stop banging my door down!” came the annoyed response from the other side of the defenseless door. 

Nick waited impatiently, tapping his hand against his leg while the other hand gripped his phone tightly. Several overlapping thoughts were running through his head, but the words from the letter kept appearing more clearly than anything else.

This is how we end Sand, not on your terms but mine. 

Those haunting words were all the motivation he needed to knock fiercely once more on the wooden door.

Mid knock, the door swung open and Nick did not wait for an invitation to enter. He pushed past Mew and stopped in the middle of the room and looked around quickly for any sign of a guest. 

“Ray! I know you’re here! Ray, get out here now!” Nick shouted, as his head snapped left and right, looking around each corner, behind every couch and curtain.  

“He’s not here!” Mew sighed exasperated as he shut his door, hoping Nick hadn’t disturbed his neighbours with his antics.

“Where is he then?!” Nick stopped and faced Mew. His face was hot with anger and frustration. His chest was rising up and down, breathing hard as he repeated his question. “Where is Ray?” 

“First of all, why the hell would I know where Ray is? Shouldn’t your friend know best where he is? And second, hello!!! Care to explain what this is about?” Mew asked, trying to engage Nick in a more civilised conversation. 

Nick unlocked his phone and shoved it into Mew’s hands, “What do you know about this?!” 

Mew stepped back with the force of the phone being shoved at him. He frowned looking at the phone that was now in his possession.  

“What do I know about your phone?” Mew asked both annoyed and confused. Extending his arm, to give the phone back to its owner. 

“Not my phone Mew, look at the picture!” Sighing, Nick shook his head as he stepped beside Mew, showing him the picture and the words contained within. 

“What is this?” Mew asked, more confused than ever. Nick was showing him a picture of a letter, clearly captured quickly, as Mew could see that some words had been cropped from one side and some words were almost blurred. “It’s a letter?”

“Read it!” Nick snarled through gritted teeth. 

Mew frowned at Nick before turning his attention to the picture. He zoomed in and began reading. Nick carefully watched Mew’s facial expressions looking for any sign of understanding but all he could recognise was the look of confusion growing on Mew’s face.  

“Where did this come from?” Mew finally asked looking back up at Nick. 

“Ray left it for Sand before disappearing into the night like the ghost of boyfriend’s past. I was hoping you could explain it. You’re his best friend, he tells you everything. You must know something. Don’t lie to me, Mew. I need the truth before I do something drastic.”

“Nick, honestly I don’t know anything about this. Last I heard from Ray, he was okay, happy even. I thought they had begun to work everything out.  He never ever mentioned anything about this.”

“And in all the time they were apart, when Ray was searching for Sand, he never said anything about some grand revenge plan?!”

“No, never!” Mew’s tone was convincing and Nick tried to calm himself. “Ray would never do that to Sand.”

“So what the hell is going on with him then?! He spends two years looking for Sand, spends weeks breaking down Sand’s resolve and finally gets him and then, what, just leaves. It doesn’t make any sense!”

“I really don’t know Nick, you will have to ask Ray. Something must have happened if he acted this way.” Mew gave a sad small smile, feeling sorry he wasn’t helpful enough.

“I would if I could find him. He can’t be found and no-one appears to have seen or heard from him.”

Mew hesitated and Nick noticed. 

“You know where he is, don’t you.” Nick stepped closer to Mew. “Mew, where is he?” 

“I don’t kno-”

“Mew, for goodness sake, tell me where he is!” 

“Before you rudely cut me off I was about to say that I don’t know for sure where he is.”

“Well where might he be then.” Nick questioned matching Mew’s sarcasm. 

“Look Nick, I know you mean well, you’re Sand’s best friend. But I’m Ray’s best friend and if he doesn’t want to be found then maybe you should just leave it. I don’t want to betray his trust. I shouldn't even know about this place”

“Mew, I don’t know about you but I spent two years listening to Ray beg for any news about Sand-”

“Which you didn’t give him,” reminded Mew with a hint of annoyance. 

“Point taken, but that was when I thought they were better off apart.”

“And now?”

“Well now.” Nick stopped to take a deep breath. “Now I’ve seen them back together and it's, it's just right. They are right. I can see it in Sand, Ray is the one for him and always will be. I’ve seen them together over the past few weeks and they belong to each other. As much hurt as they have caused each other, they will always belong together. They’ve both changed, both grown. They lost each other once but now they have found each other again and I just cannot believe that Ray would do something like this either;” Nick paused for a breath to calm himself.

“Come on Mew, you know it too. Ray has his moments and can be cruel when he wants but this, he wouldn’t do this to Sand. Something else is going on.”

“Yeah I know, that’s why this letter is…  Are you sure Sand didn’t write it himself?” Mew chewed his lip as if deciding on something. 

“MEW!!” Nick sighed in frustration. 

“Maybe Ray just needs a few days to come to his senses. Maybe he’s just overwhelmed by it all and made up an excuse to run away.” Mew shook his head, not even he believed his own words but he couldn’t just betray his friend and give him away that easily, could he? Nothing about this made sense, but Mew also knew Ray. He knew how hard he had been working to make things right again. He knew how much he had always regretted letting Sand go. If Nick thought he had had a hard time listening to Ray for two years, Mew was sure he wouldn’t have survived all the long nights and endless tears that Mew had endured.

Using his hand to rub small circles over his right temple, Nick let out another sigh, his head was beginning  to throb from arguing with Mew. “Look Mew, under normal circumstances I would love to give Ray some time to sit and think about what he’s doing and figure out that he’s being an idiot, but unfortunately we don’t have that kinda time.” Nick dropped his hand beside him as his voice became smaller. “Sand is getting married in a few days”. He lifted the phone and looked at the picture still displayed on it. “I need to get to Ray before then and find out the truth for myself and Sand.”

“Sand is getting married?!!!” Mew exclaimed in disbelief. “No wonder Ray walked away.”

Nick drew another breath, “Mew, please. Help me, please.”

Mew looked around his apartment for any other option but finding none, he dropped his shoulder and gave in, “there is one place where he might be at. No one knows about it except me and even that was by accident, but if he’s anywhere my money is that he is there.” 

“So, where is it?!”

“You’d better be right Nick, cause if you’re wrong Ray probably won’t ever speak to me again for telling you!”

“I promise this stays between us. If Ray tells me to leave then I will and I won’t ever interfere again and I will never tell anyone where he is.”

Nick raised his hands in a silent begging gesture, pleading with Mew to give him anything helpful.  

“Fuck! Fine.” Mew grabbed a pen from the counter beside him and scribbled the address on a scrap of paper that lay nearby. He shoved the piece of paper at Nick and exhaled deeply waiting for his reaction.  

Nick glanced down at the address, “you have got to be fucking kidding me!”

~~

Everything looked the same, exactly as he remembered it. The same posters adorned the wall, the same rug lay across the dark floor, the same furniture occupied the space making it seem less empty. There was one small deliberate difference though, the bar that was once full of glass jars filled with plum wine, was now empty. Dust covered every inch of the room. He wouldn’t allow anyone else to enter this space, not even to clean. This was his escape. A place where he could rest his mind and pretend that all the bad times had never happened. Even after their initial false start, his memories of this place and of them were still his happiest. 

After taking a moment to familiarise himself with the place he walked forward and pulled back the white sheet covering the old couch, a couch that had once been his bed the very first night they met.  Dust from the covering rose into the air and into his lungs causing him to momentarily cough uncontrollably. 

“Oh God.” Ray said as he threw the white sheet on the floor in disgust. What was he even doing here? He hadn’t visited this place in so long, it had been months since he had felt the need, not since hearing Bar Boy’s familiar voice singing through his phone that fateful night.  

However, this was his only place he could stay right now. A sanctuary where he could not be found. A safe haven to gather his thoughts and finally breath without any outside influence. 

His thoughts ran to his conversation with Sand. The conversation in which Sand promised he would fix everything. He promised he would come back and everything would be okay. 

But it was clear now that Sand had made his choice. 

After sitting in silence for what felt like an age. Ray sighed and made his way to Sand’s room. 

He climbed into the familiar bed and it felt like home. He pulled the covers over his head and snuggled into the warmth they provided. The mattress was still surprisingly good to sleep on and soon drifted off into a restless sleep that felt like it lasted for days. 

This is how he remained until- 

*Knock Knock*

Ray jumped in surprise, placing a hand over his chest, feeling his heart pounding in his chest. He didn’t rise immediately, instead he quickly ran through the possibilities of who could be at his door. He was sure that no-one knew he was here. More importantly this apartment was empty for years who the hell would want to knock on an empty apartment. 

He waited, maybe the knocker would go away when they did not receive an answer

But the silence followed up with a voice…

“Delivery” Ray heard the muffled voice call out from behind the door. 

Now that’s suspicious. He didn’t order anything. Or did he?

Taking a deep breath, Ray climbed out of the comfortable bed and walked across the apartment, to the door and reached for the lock.

~~

For the second time today, Nick stood outside a closed door wondering just what the hell was going on. He cautiously knocked on the door once and then twice, no dramatic banging this time. He didn't want to scare the occupant inside. 

*Knock Knock*

“Delivery” Nick called out, closing his eyes and hoping that Ray was maybe waiting on a delivery, it was nearly dinnertime after all, or at the very least, would open the door to tell him he was at the wrong apartment. 

Nick heard quiet footsteps approaching the other side of the door and he held his breath. 

This was his only chance.  

He waited until he heard the lock on the other side being opened and watched as the handle moved downward. Once he heard the familiar click, he pushed and hard. 

~~

The door suddenly pushed open and Ray found himself stumbling back a few steps as a familiar face greeted him and barged past before Ray had a chance to close the door on them. 

Having made it past the threshold, Nick stood in the living room of his old apartment once more. He paused as he took a second to look around. It looked exactly the same as it did when he and Sand lived there, maybe a bit more dusty. As he looked around Nick quickly noticed that things that had been sold or taken with them when they moved out had been replaced. It was like a time capsule. A snapshot of a moment frozen in time. 

“How did you…” Nick forgot himself for a moment and in disbelief he turned to face Ray who looked really annoyed and in no way pleased to see him, “I can’t believe you did this.” 

Ray still stood by the open door. He was biting down on his lower lip, eyes red with anger. “Please leave, Now!” He managed through gritted teeth. 

“Not a chance, not until you explain yourself,” he responded, sitting down on the couch Ray had removed the cover from earlier as some leftover dust buffed from around him causing him to cough just as Ray had. “You sure keep everything dusty.” 

“Nick, I am not in the mood to play around, now please leave.” Ray was serious, which confused Nick even more. 

This was not the Ray he knew. He was more determined than ever to get to the bottom of this sudden change in personality.  

Nick smiled at Ray and ran his hand along the familiar arm rest. “I’ll gladly leave when I have the answers I came for.” 

Where the hell did he find this couch?!

“I thought I sold this when I was forced to move out,” Nick raised an eyebrow at Ray.

Ray tongued his cheek but didn’t wish to respond. He was sure that Nick had figured out by now that it was he who had bought the apartment when Sand left. And because he wanted it all to himself he had issued Nick an anonymous notice to vacate through his solicitor. 

Ray sighed and finally closed the door. Just like Mew, he didn’t want to give his neighbors a free show. “How did you find me?” He asked as he remained standing. 

“Oh, you know, I just happened to be in the neighbourhood and took a lucky guess.”

“So, Mew told you.” Ray sighed. Can no-one keep a secret anymore ! This apartment was his guilty pleasure. A place no one was supposed to know he owned. When he bought it after Sand had left, it was because he felt he had lost everything. But this place, so full of memories, he couldn’t bear to lose it too. He didn’t want to forget no matter how much it hurt. 

“He might have mentioned something.” Nick smiled again, “Well now that I’m here why don’t you start talking.”

Ray moved back to the door, “There’s nothing else to say Nick, I left because it was the right thing to do. Sand made his choice” Ray moved his hand back to the handle and pressed down, opening the door slightly. 

“Funny,” Nick mused as he looked around. 

“Exactly, what is funny? Might I ask” Ray asked, not masking his irritation. 

“Funny, that you are apparently hell bent on revenge and yet here you are, hiding out in a place that literally has Sand ingrained into its walls.”

“What are you talking about?” Ray’s frown deepened. Nick’s words were unfamiliar to his ears. This man was getting more and more on his nerves with each word coming out of his mouth. “What revenge?”

“Leaving Sand, tricking him into loving you again, you know, your grand plan to get your own back on him!”

“What plan?” Ray slapped the door close again as he walked over to Nick, standing high above him, towering over him in anger. “I didn’t leave Sand, he left me!”

“Well maybe he did once, but not this time.” 

“Nick, what are you talking ab-”

Nick grabbed his phone, unlocked it and began reading, 

My Dearest Sand, 

They say revenge is a dish best served cold and they are not wrong. 

I hope you are reading this in our bedroom, sitting on our bed surrounded by the silence of our empty apartment. Maybe now you will understand the feeling of being abandoned by the one you love the most. Left alone in a place you once called home, surrounded by the haunting memories of a life that could have been. 

Ray snatched the phone from Nick’s hand and began reading as a frown deepened on his brow. 

“Where did you get this?!” Ray demanded, not looking up as he read the cruel words again. 

“Stop acting like you don’t know Ray, Sand found it in your apartment when he went looking for you!”

Ray, still looking at Nick's phone, slowly sat down on the couch. 

“Well?” Nick asked, taking his phone back from Ray’s hands. 

“And Sand saw this?” Ray asked quietly. 

“Of course, he was the one who found it.”

“And he believed it?” Ray asked sadly. 

“Well why wouldn't he?!”

“It doesn’t matter now,” Ray leaned his head back against the couch and stared helplessly at the dirty ceiling. “It’s over Nick, what’s done is done.”

“Ray I don’t know who you think you are fooling but it's not me. You seem to forget that I listened to you for two years begging to find him.” Nick shook his head. “Only a stupid person would leave the person they love for something this stupid.”

“Nick I didn’t! You don’t understand. I had to, it was for the best-”

“You're not the hero here, Ray. You cannot just give up and cover it all up as a revenge plan. Cause if it was really your plan you would have done it better than this. In a more cruel way. You would have stayed, watched and enjoyed all the hurt it caused. But you didn’t, because this isn’t you.”

“Isn't it?!” Ray responded tonelessly. “Maybe I’m just a coward Nick.”

Nick heard the words but didn’t buy them, not for one second but sensing a change in Ray’s demeanor he decided to try a new tactic in his search for the truth.

“How much do you know about Sand and Summer and how they came to be playing happy families?”

“Does it matter?” Ray answered flatly not wishing to hear anymore about a life that would never be his. 

Nick sensing the opening, carried on “Did you know that they broke up a few months ago. Actually I’m not sure “broke up” is the correct term. They were never really seeing each other in a serious way.. They were more casual, an occasional hook up every now and then. Friends with benefits you could say.”

“Nick, what had this got to do with anythi-”

“Anyway”, continued Nick cutting across Ray, “Sand got the feeling that she wanted more than just the occasional night together, but he was not prepared to give that to her. Actually he wasn’t prepared to give that to anyone, not since you. That man never once stopped loving you, not once!” Nick waited a moment, allowing his words to sink into Ray’s heart. 

Ray said nothing but he gave Nick a searching look to see if that fact was actually true. Nick’s expression remained firm in its conviction. 

“Sand decided it would be best if they didn’t see each other anymore and that she should put her efforts into finding someone who was prepared to give her the relationship she was clearly seeking.”

Nick paused to see if Ray wished to make any comment, but with none forthcoming he carried on.

“Summer was obviously devastated about losing Sand and for a couple of weeks she would turn up at the studio or to his gigs trying to talk to him. Sand was gentle with her but firm, he wasn’t looking for anything serious.”

“Nick, why are you telling me this? It doesn’t change anything!”

But Nick was not ready for the Q&A portion of this conversation yet, so he ignored Ray and continued without missing a beat in his story. 

“So Summer finally gets the hint and disappears for a couple of weeks only to turn up one night and announce that she is in fact pregnant. Obviously Sand was sceptical, as was I, but she had proof.”

“Proof?”

“A month before you came back into his life, she provided ultrasound pictures, clear as day with her name on them. Hard to fake those.”

Ray nodded in sad agreement. 

“So Sand, being Sand, took responsibility immediately and had Summer move into his place. I’m not really sure how the engagement came about to be honest. Summer just sort of announced one day they were getting married and when I questioned Sand he just said it’s the right thing to do. But if you ask me he didn’t seem too thrilled about the idea.”

“He seemed like he was happy about it,” murmured Ray sarcastically as he recalled how reluctant Sand was to give him any sort of hope when he first returned. 

“Well he wasn’t going to say otherwise, especially not to you. But I could see past the lies, he was trying hard to make it work for the baby, but I know Sand too well. I can tell when he’s truly happy or just putting on a show.”

Ray opened his mouth to speak but Nick was still not ready to give him the opportunity. Right now he just wanted Ray to listen. 

“Sand seemed to have made up his mind and there was nothing I could do to change it so I went along with things and did my best to be friendly towards her. But there was just something not right with her but I couldn’t quite figure it out. Sand was blinded by being responsible so I decided to really test his conviction.”

“So that’s it! That’s why you finally told me where he was! You used me! Bringing me there was just your way of testing him.”

“Yes, but it was a good test! It had to be you.”

“You could have done it yourself instead of dragging me into this mess.” Ray mumbled absentmindedly. 

“Ah, well, that hadn’t worked too well for me and him in the past.”

Ray suddenly snapped out of his sad revere, “You and Sand?! You better fucking explain yourself right now Nick.” Nick could see that Ray was fuming and probably plotting his murder so he quickly set to explaining.

“Okay, first calm down! It was a long time ago. Remember before you and Sand officially got together and you were “trying” (Nick mimicked the air quotes) to date Mew-”

“Go on” Ray gritted his teeth. 

“And remember we went to that campervan and you followed us there-”

“Yes” Ray had his eyes locked on Nick now. 

“Okay, well before you turned up, Sand and I kissed to see if there were maybe any feelings between us, you know, seen as we were best friends and the guys we both liked were being assholes-” Nick paused for effect. 

“Carry on” Ray replied flatly 

“Well I enjoyed the kiss and thought maybe I could have some feelings for him but  I could tell that Sand felt nothing so I said I hadn’t felt anything either and we laughed it off and then you showed up and you know- 

“Is that it?” Ray asked quietly.

“Well not quite. When you and Sand broke up the last time. I thought maybe now was the time to see if my feelings were real or had I just been in a bad place at the time so I eh,  tried to hit on him for real.”

Ray stood up. The anger had started to boil over within him. 

“Calm down Ray, He quickly, very quickly, rejected the idea.”

“Are you in love with him Nick?!” Ray demanded glaring at him. 

Nick couldn’t help but laugh. “No, Ray I’m not. He’s a great guy and seriously good looking but having worked and been around him constantly for the past couple of years, I can honestly say, he’s all yours, any thoughts I had about him and me are long long gone.”

“And how exactly am I supposed to believe that?!”

“Well I brought you back didn’t I? The only true love of his life. Why would I do that if I was still trying to date him!”

Ray stayed quiet. 

“See, so it had to be you. You were the only one that could wake him up and make him see sense. I am eternally thankful that I took the risk contacting you. Now I know how he really feels about marrying her and how little it took from you to get him to see sense.”

Ray sat back down and slumped back into his chair. God I wish I could have a drink!

“Sand was ready to do the right thing and by “right thing” I mean not marrying Summer and  fixing things with you. Well that was until your little love letter and disappearing act of course. Now he’s hell bent on staying with her.”

Ray leaned forward and cradled his face in his hands as all the information Nick had just provided sank in. “I thought he backed out,” Ray whispered. 

“Huh?! What was that?” Nick asked, sitting up and moving further up the couch to get closer to Ray. 

Ray sighed and contemplated his words before speaking. 

“That is not the letter I left for Sand.” 

Nick sat confused but quietly urged Ray to explain further. Ray lowered his head in defeat. 

“She came to see me the day after we got home….” 

Before Ray could continue his sentence, a loud knock came from the door once more. A frown stretched across Ray’s face as he glanced at the door and then turned to glare at Nick. 

“Did you tell someone else that I was here?!” whispered Ray angrily. 

“No.” Nick mouthed, turning his lips downward in confusion. 

“Go answer it and get rid of whoever it is!” Ray whispered furiously as he tiptoed towards the bedroom, hiding himself from view of the door. 

Nick puffed out his cheeks, exasperated at the day's events including this latest one. He stalked across the living room and took a calming breath before he opened the door as casually as he could manage. 

It happened in a flash and Nick was not quite sure what had even just happened, but as the sting slowly crept across his face he meekly raised his hand to the pain. He heard Ray’s muffled voice calling but he couldn’t see him through his blurry vision. 

“NICK!” Ray yelled as he sprinted from his hiding place to help his friend who had just been punched with such force that it had left him laid out on the hard floor. 

“What the hell did you do that for?” Ray shouted looking at the new visitor who was standing in shock looking as Ray pulled Nick into a sitting position. 

“I didn’t mean to, I meant to hit you.”

Chapter Text

🎵
Ray squinted his eyes when the door bell rang again. The loud knocks on the front door echoed through the quiet apartment and Ray was more pissed off than ever. Having finally calmed down, the sudden intrusion of noise was most unwelcome. 

“Is my fiance here?!” Her voice was the most unpleasant thing Ray had ever heard. It was sharp, loud and annoying.

“No!” Ray replied quickly and honestly. Refusing to step aside to let her inside, he stood taking the whole frame of the door. 

“Was he here?!” Summer asked dryly, rolling her eyes.

Ray heard every fiber of his body screaming at him to say “no”, but his mouth wouldn’t co-operate. The internal conflict raged within him as he stood staring at her. His mind told him to lie, send her away and let Sand be the one to tell her the truth but his heart told him to tell her everything and get it over with. 

Yes she would be heartbroken, devastated even. 

Yes there would be tears and probably a lot of shouting, name calling, maybe she would even throw something at him. 

All this he could take, I deserve it all,  but something stopped him from letting the truth spill forth like a volcano that had waited too long to erupt. 

The baby. 

Sand’s baby. 

Ray took a deep breath and stopped himself from admitting the truth, he couldn’t risk Sand’s position in his baby’s life. Ray would not be selfish. Not this time. 

“No, Summer he wasn’t here.”

Ray studied her face quickly, searching for any sign that she believed him. 

She narrowed her eyes, before raising an eyebrow and shook her head with a heavy sigh. 

Not a good sign.

“Don’t lie to me Ray!” He felt the hard bump against his shoulder as she pushed past him and into the apartment. Stumbling backwards, he almost tripped on his feet. Summer stormed into the apartment, searching like a crazy person, in every corner in the house. Opened all the doors, cupboards and even searched under bed and tables.

Breathe Ray, breathe, don’t do anything stupid. Not now. Ray reminded himself as he closed the door and drew in a shallow silent breath before he turned to face his accuser who was red faced and angry. 

“Where is he?”

Fine Summer, you want the truth. He was here, he stayed the whole night, we slept together. We love each other. Sand chose me, not you! Now get out. Every particle in his body wanted to scream at her. 

“I am not lying to you.” Ray urged his voice to stay even as he pushed away the intrusive thoughts that threatened to leak from his mouth. 

Ray watched as she stepped towards him and prepared to dodge any sudden strike. Shit. 

Standing mere inches from her, Ray willed himself not to flinch or give any sign of his deception. He almost let out an audible breath as Summer suddenly turned and walked a few steps away across the living room. He almost felt his shoulders relax, until - 

“Have you always been such a terrible liar Ray?” 

“What?!” Ray inhaled sharply.

She knows. Does she? 

“I told you I’m not lying! I’ve been away at a funeral for the past few days, I’ve only gotten back now. How the hell would I know where Sand is or was for that matter?!”. 

“Do you think I’m an idiot Ray?” Her tone was inquisitive but calm, too calm. His name spit forth from her mouth like it contained poison. 

“No, I-”

“Sweet, innocent Summer, she would never be able to put all the pieces together and see the big picture. Is that what you think Ray?” 

Calm down, Ray, Don’t do anything stupid, don’t say anything stupid. 

All he could do was watch as she walked over to the kitchen and paused in front of the sink. She gently picked up the matching mugs and examined them. One clearly bearing the symbol “R” and the other “S”. 

Fuck! He held his breath as she turned around still holding the mugs, one in each hand. 

“Did you think that I wouldn’t notice that you suddenly disappear for a few days,” she let the mug displaying the letter “R” to slip from her grasp and smash into pieces across the tiled floor, “and then Sand also suddenly disappears”, she allowed the second mug with the “S” engraved into it slip and crash to the floor, “under the pretence of working, and you expect me to believe that you were not together.”

Ray had flinched with each crash but Summer had not removed her dark gaze from him, not once. 

She knows! Ray took a deep breath, his heart drumming inside of his chest, ringing in his ears. 

“It’s not what you think.” Ray swallowed his own saliva, feeling his throat drying up. He didn’t know why he was trying so hard not to break her heart. He hated her, and her existence. She was the one thing that stood between him and Sand. An obstacle that should be removed. But… “We were at a funeral. Sand knew the woman who died too and he wanted to show his respect. That’s all.”

“More lies Ray,” Summer stated calmly, smiling insincerely as she called him out on his dishonesty. Ray took his chance when Summer stopped talking momentarily to pull her phone from the bag slung across her body. 

“Summer, there is nothing going on, it's all in the past—”

But Ray stopped talking the moment he heard his and Sand’s voices coming from the speaker on Summer’s phone. 

“I love that all your songs are about me.Your feelings are so raw, so real. I guess that's why people love your songs, they can see the truth behind them.” 

“Where have you been? I have been texting and calling you and you didn’t reply.” 

“I guess it’s not so fun to be on the receiving end of someone ignoring your texts” 

“Seriously Ray, enough! Where were you?”

“Where was I? Why, Sand? You worried about me? You should be careful; it’s starting to sound like you missed me.”. 

“Ray, stop it! I’m not joking right now.” 

“I won’t lie Sand, I was a little thrown when I saw her engagement ring, but then I remembered something, her ring can be removed, thrown away but mine can’t. And, oh look Sand, you appear to have a matching one on your hand. How odd? So, if you have a ring and I have a ring that means, you belong with me. You always have. You always will”. 

“I am not yours Ray!” 

“You never were a good liar. Your songs, the way you look at me, the way your body reacts to my touch. You are mine, Sand. Even if you refuse to admit it, your heart is mine.I can feel it beating for me. Your mind is mine. Your eyes, your cheeks, your lips. All is mine.” 

“I am not yours Ray, but I’ll give you what you want like the spoiled brat you are.”

At this point, Ray was breathing erratically. His chest was rising up and down. His hands curled to a fist beside him, his knuckles turning white. Summer pressed stop on the recording, before looking at Ray. A smile stretched at the corner of her lips, satisfied with how red he was turning. 

“I think we both know what happens next, or should I keep playing it to remind you!”

Ray stared back, his eyes bloodshot. Despite how angry he felt, he could feel the blood in his veins as cold as the ice. No words would come from his mouth. What could he even say?

“What’s wrong Ray, hmm, where are your denials now?!” 

“Where did you get that?” The words came out as a spat before Ray could think. Stupid. 

“Does it really matter? If you must know, your Ex-boyfriend carelessly left it lying around our apartment when he ran off to comfort you in your hour of need.” The sarcasm dripped from her tongue like acid threatening to burn right through him. “But I think that all that really matters is that I have it and what I will do with it.”

“What do you mean, “do with it”?”  His heart beat like a drum inside his chest and he felt the walls begin to close in on him. 

“Well Ray, our Sand likes to write love songs, made a whole career out of it in fact.”Summer’s voice started to feel like it was coming out of a closed box even though she was standing right in front of him. Her words were so far yet they came hard like a slap on his face.  “A career that is  finally taking off. But I’m not sure how popular he or his songs would be if his fans and indeed his backers knew the truth.”

“The truth?” Ray repeated her words. The truth. What is exactly the truth? The truth is Sand and Summer were having a baby. Did the public know? He couldn’t recall if the news were out or not. But the truth was… the truth, he tried so hard to deny.

“Yes Ray, the truth. That their favourite lovesick Barboy likes to cheat on his pregnant fiance with his alcoholic ex-boyfriend.”

Her words hit him like a train, pulling him back to reality. She was threatening to ruin Sand’s reputation, his career, everything. 

Ray felt his heart drop on the floor, shattered into millions of pieces. He tried to deny it for so long. He just wanted what was his own once and lost because he was a stupid jerk. But here he was again a stupid jerk about to ruin Sand’s future. His whole life and career. 

“What’s more Ray, I don’t think I could raise a child, a son, with someone who had such an awful public reputation. My father would never allow it, he’s very traditional and honourable in his way of thinking. That is of course assuming the stress of all this has no negative impact on the pregnancy” Summer smirked as she delivered blow after blow. 

“Is this all you care about?” Ray murmured to himself, disgusted with her choice of words.

“Just imagine Ray, another innocent child being brought into this world never knowing who their father was. I think both you and Sand have experience with only having one parent if I remember correctly. Are you prepared to inflict that misery on another child?” 

“You won’t do that?” Ray shook his head still in denial. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” 

“Do you even love Sand? Or… your baby?” 

“YOU!” Summer’s voice began to quiver as she lost her composure. Her voice started to raise, pointing an accusing finger at Ray. “You shouldn’t have come back! You have no right to ask me if I love him or not. I am doing this because I am trying to save this fucking family. The family I created. My family. My baby. MY SAND!” 

“You cannot just destroy his whole life!” Ray shook his head. 

“You will get out of his life then! Never show up ever again. Leave our family alone, Ray.” When Ray didn’t reply, she said. “Sand is with me now and I have worked too hard to let you walk in and screw everything up. You had your chance and you messed up but I won’t let you mess up mine!”

Summer held up her phone and showed Ray the email she had composed ready to send to the biggest gossip site in the country. “All I have to do is press send, Ray.”

Ray stood silent, unable to form a coherent thought. Summer’s threats overlapped as they raced around him, trapping him like the eye of a tornado. Afraid to make a wrong move, Ray did nothing and waited for Summer to speak again. 

“It’s your decision now,” Summer smirked, feeling the joy of victory seeping in her chest.

“What do you want me to do,” Ray asked solemnly as he stared at the floor. He couldn't bear to look at her, he knew what was coming and he closed his eyes and took a long breath in anticipation. 

“You will leave and never come back. You will never contact Sand again and he will never know that I was here!” 

“You want me to just leave with no explanation, just disappear!” Ray exclaimed as tears started to fall. 

“Not as stupid as you look, for once!” Summer responded as she glared at him. 

“I will allow you one kindness Ray, not that you deserve it. You may leave a letter as a final goodbye.” 

Ray could only look at her silently through his blurred tears. 

“But I swear, if you tell him anything about this, then I'll bring his and your worlds crashing down around you once and for all. See Ray some of us are winners and some are losers. I’m a winner, and you're an alcoholic who will always lose.”

Summer took a breath to calm herself and in a more somber tone continued, “You two are no good for each other anyway. Look at all you've done to each other. And you were only too happy to do it all over again. But I won’t let that happen, this is where your story ends.”

Ray watched as she pulled a pen and notepad from her bag and shoved them into his chest. 

“Now start writing or I am pressing send in 5 4 3 -,”

“Okay, okay,” Ray hurriedly agreed, holding his hands up in defeat, one hand holding the pen and the other holding the notepad. 

Ray sat at the coffee table that he and Sand had spent so many nights around talking of their hopes and dreams for the future. Now hopeless and stuck in a nightmare Ray began to write. Tears dropped onto the paper as he struggled to find his final words to Sand. His chest hurt as he finished, he prayed it was a heart attack. Death would be easier than having to live without Sand forever more. 

He looked up and couldn’t see Summer, he had been so engrossed in writing his goodbye he hadn’t noticed her move. Was she gone?

“A touch dramatic, but it will do,” Summer’s voice came from behind him. He quickly turned around and saw that Summer had been looking over his shoulder as he had composed his goodbye letter. She couldn’t even let me have this. 

Summer followed Ray to his bedroom and told him to leave the letter on the bed. Ray did as instructed and Summer sat beside the letter and finally put her phone down. She had been holding it threateningly in her hand since playing the audio. Seeing her place it down allowed Ray to breathe a small sigh of relief. As long as I do what she wants then Sand will be okay. 

“Pack!” Came the sharp order from the bedside where she sat. 

“Now?” 

“Yes Ray, now!” 

“I want you gone before Sand comes looking for you.”

Ray looked around the room searching for options, inspiration, anything to stop this. But there was nothing. He knew that he could never allow Summer to ruin everything Sand had worked so hard for or take his child from him. It was because of him that Sand had lost everything once before, he could not, would not allow it to happen again. Ray finally admitted defeat to himself and retrieved his suitcase from under his bed and threw some clothes in. He didn’t care what he packed, nothing mattered now. 

Once he had finished “packing” he sighed and turned to Summer, “That’s it I guess.”

“Good, now leave Ray and stay away just like you should have done.” She moved from the bed to stand in front of him. When she was too close for comfort, she leaned in and whispered, “This is not your fairytale Ray, it’s mine, and I was never going to let you ruin my happy ending.” 

Summer turned on her heel and left the room first. Seizing the opportunity, he grabbed a pen from his bedside locker, grabbed the letter and scribbled a final line “meet me at Yolo tonight at 8 I will explain”  before throwing the letter back on the bed and rushing after Summer before she noticed he wasn’t following her. 

Ray breathed a sigh of relief to himself as he exited the bedroom but did his best to keep up the heartbroken performance for Summer. Everything would be okay. Sand would find the letter and he would be able to explain everything and together they would come up with a plan to sort all this out. Ray comforted himself with his thoughts as he moved through the apartment dragging the suitcase behind him, everything will be fine, I will see Sand later and explain everything. 

She stood at the front door and made a spectacle of opening it and gesturing for him to leave. Ray walked towards the door, paused to look at Summer as he passed through the threshold and into the corridor outside. 

When he turned to make sure Summer was out of the apartment so he could lock the door but she wasn’t there. Confused, he called out “Summer?” 

“Forgot my phone” she called back to Ray, “Must have forgotten to grab it in all the excitement” she continued sarcastically as she reached the door and joined Ray in the corridor. 

They walked in silence to their respective cars. There was nothing left to say. Ray hoped that Sand would find the letter and understand his final rushed words.

~

“She must have switched the letters when she went back to get her phone. I'm such an idiot.” Ray shouted as he threw himself back against the sofa and covered his face with his hands. 

“Yes you are!” agreed Sand’s mam, placing the icepack over Nick’s eye. 

“Ouch” moaned Nick 

“Oh please Nick stop exaggerating, I didn't hit you that hard.” 

“I think my black eye would disagree with you! That's some right hook you have!”

“The joys of owning a gogo bar. You have to be prepared for all sorts of people, even the ones who think they are tough. Now please, I have already apologised so stop complaining and put the ice back on your eye.” 

“It doesn't really change anything though” Ray said sadly 

“What do you mean! it changes everything! Nick exclaimed. “You thought Sand chose her, right? Because he didn’t turn up that night. But now you know that isn’t true. Summer switched the letters and Sand thought her letter was from you. So yeah, I think it changes everything. Right, Ma?” Nick looked to Sand’s mother for some backup, but Ray responded before she could speak. 

“But it doesn’t Nick. Not really. Summer is still here, still pregnant with his child, still threatening to destroy everything unless she gets what she wants!”

“Is she though” asked Nick quietly 

“What was that Nick, what did you just say?” pressed Sand’s Mother. 

“I asked if we are sure that she really is pregnant with his kid". Nick paused, he had had this conversation in his head so many times, to suddenly hear himself saying the words aloud caught him by surprise for a moment but it was now or never he decided.  “I just think the timing of it all is suspect. I have done for a while.”

“Go on,”urged Sand’s Mother.  

“Well I was telling Ray before your violent interruption, that when Sand finally broke it off with her that time and sent her away, Summer didn't give up easily, she would turn up to events or call him and so on but Sand was always firm about his decision. He never gave her false hope.”

He paused to look at Ray before drawing in a breath and continuing his words of doubt he had kept to himself for so long. 

“But just when we finally thought she had gotten the hint and gone for good, she turns back up at his apartment one night and tells him that she was pregnant.” 

“And you don't believe her?!” asked Sand’s mother 

“I mean, it could be true. But,” Nick chose his words carefully, “ I just don't like how much of a coincidence it is and you know Sand,  he is always so safe about these things. I just can’t imagine that he would be so careless to get anyone pregnant, especially not someone he wasn't serious about. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”  

“But didn’t you say she had proof?” sighed Ray. 

“So that’s the part, I can’t make sense of,” agreed Nick. “I saw the scan pictures, they looked real! The dates were correct, her name on them was correct. It all fit that she is pregnant and the baby was Sand’s. But I just can’t shake this feeling that something is not right about it!”

Sand’s mother stood up and headed for the quiet of the balcony. “Let me make a phone call," she called over her shoulder. 

“Who are you calling? Don’t call Sand!” Ray shouted after her. 

Sand’s mother looked back but said nothing as she closed the glass door behind her and secluded herself on the dimly lit balcony. Ray and Nick watched as she pulled her phone from her handbag and raised it to her ear. 

The pair sat in silence apart from the occasional “hiss” from Nick as he moved the ice pack around his eye. They watched and waited, looking for any sign of who Sand’s mom was talking to, but she offered them nothing apart from an occasional nod of her head as she paced back and forth across the short space. 

After a few moments, and still on the phone, she opened the door to come back inside. “Thank you Dr. Karn, our chat has been most informative. And your little indiscretion is of course still safe with me,” she mocked as she hung up the call. 

Sand’s mother stood silent for a minute and looked directly at Ray as if examining him, look beneath the surface, looking for guidance on her next move. Neither Ray nor Nick spoke, they were waiting for her to explain but she seemed unwilling to divulge any information at present. Nick looked anxiously at Ray and found him locked in eye contact.  

“Nick,” Sand’s mom called, finally breaking the silence but not breaking eye contact with Ray. Nicked tore his eyes from Ray as he was called. “Can you leave me and Ray to speak alone please.” Her tone was calm, composed but there was a directness in her words that Nick did not dare disagree with. 

Nick looked from Ray to Sand’s mother but neither uttered a word. Nick desperately wanted to know who she had called, what had been said. Was he right? What was going to happen next? But her expression gave nothing away. 

“Eh okay, I guess I will be leaving then?” Nick half asked, half stated in a very confused tone. 

“Thank you Nick, and if you see Sand, do not breathe a word about this please. Not until I have a chance to speak to him myself.” 

Nick nodded his confused agreement before quickly and quietly exiting the apartment, fearing any delay on his part might result in a matching black eye to the one he already felt forming. 

Ray didn’t see the door close but he did hear the familiar click letting him know that he and Sand’s mother were finally alone. Ray felt his chest tighten in her presence. He had not spoken with her since before the night Sand had walked away from him. 

He finally broke eye contact, he felt too exposed under her glare and could only now brace himself for what was coming. He stared at a scorch mark on the floor and was reminded of the night he and Sand almost burnt the place down after drunkenly knocking over a candle in a moment of passion. He smiled at the memory but it was soon wiped from his face. 

Stern words broke through the memory and dragged him back to the sad reality he sat in. 

“Well Ray, I think it’s time we had a little chat about you and my son. Don’t you?”

~~

Sand sat alone in the dark studio, light only by a tall lamp that stood guard in the corner of the room.  He tried desperately to write the wedding song for Summer but the words just would not come. He tapped his pen noisily against the blank sheet of paper and stared at the pile of crumpled and ripped pages that lay strewn across the table in front of him. 

Defeated, he put his head down on the table for a few seconds before raising it again to look at his phone. He scrolled to his media gallery and flicked mindlessly through old photos of him and Ray that he had kept in a hidden folder. Unwilling to ever delete them, he looked at them more often than he ever cared to admit. 

The studio suddenly lit up as the main light was switched on and Sand hurriedly pocketed his phone. 

“Writing going that good eh?” Nick’s voice cut through the silence of the studio. 

Sand looked up and was taken aback. 

“What the hell happened to your eye?”

“A very scary woman with a serious right hook!”

“Sounds like my mother,” Sand sarcastically replied. 

Nick huffed out a laugh but quickly walked away before Sand could ask any more probing questions. 

Sand simply sighed as Nick busied himself across the studio and went back to staring at the blank page before him. 

Chapter Text

🎵

Ray sat nervously on the couch and waited quietly  for Sand’s mother to speak. She was looking around as if she was searching for something. Ray wondered if the couch didn’t make her comfortable to sit but before he could ask her if he could do something for her, she finally spoke, “Is there anything to drink in this place, I could do with something stronger than water before we begin.” 

“Sorry no, I gave it up,” Ray shrugged, shaking his head. He hadn’t touched alcohol in weeks, managing to stay sober for the longest he had ever been. 

“First test passed, well done,” smiled Sand’s mother with a slight nod of approval. 

Ray frowned, almost winced at her sudden test, unsure of what test he was supposedly trying to pass.“eh, thanks I think?” 

“I have wanted to speak to you Ray, just the two of us, for some time now.” Sand’s mother took a deep breath before finally fixing her gaze on Ray, holding direct eye contact with him. Ray gulped, his throat suddenly felt so dry. 

Maybe water was a good option after all. The thought popped in his head

“Sand told me about losing Aunt Hwang . I am sorry I know what she meant to you. Sand always spoke so highly of her and I was thankful you had her in your life, she was a smart lady and not afraid to tell you the truth. You should have listened to her more.”

Ray nodded sadly. He missed her so much, he needed her now more than ever. His chest hurt knowing he had lost such a dear friend forever. He wiped away a tear and sniffed quietly. There had always been something so comforting about Sand’s mother. 

He had felt it from their first meeting. She was tough but kind and fair. He had never been afraid to be vulnerable in front of her. She had a talent for drawing the truth from people with little effort. It was pointless to hide anything from her. 

Sand’s mother moved to sit beside him and picked up his hand and he looked at her as his tears fell. 

“I want to say this first before anything else.” She spoke so softly that Ray was ready to crumble into her arms but he held back for now. “I will always be here for you Ray, to help, offer advice, knock some sense into you or simply provide a shoulder to cry on. Whatever happens from here on out you won’t be alone. You will never be without a mother, not while I am still alive.” 

She smiled gently at him and this time Ray did crumble into her embrace. Her warm hug encircled him as he mumbled “thank you” into her now tear soaked shoulder. 

He allowed himself a moment to savour  being held and feeling safe before he sat back and dried his face. 

“Can I ask you something?.” He asked quietly. 

“Of course.” 

“How did you know I was here? No one is supposed to know that I own this place!” 

“Ah,” she smiled wider this time. “When Sand originally left he called me and explained everything that had happened”

“Everything” asked Ray shamefully

“Yes my dear, everything! You’re lucky my son is how he is, anyone else might have -” she paused as she saw Ray shrink into himself as he recalled his behaviour that night. 

“Anyway, he was worried about leaving you alone and how you would cope with him being gone. He was afraid that you would sink lower than you already were and might do something stupid. So he asked me to keep an eye on you and make sure that you were going to be okay.” 

“I thought he stopped caring.” Ray admitted sadly. 

“No Ray, he stopped being able to take care of you, but he didn’t stop caring about you.” 

Sand’s mother gently wiped away a tear that rolled slowly down Ray’s cheek. 

“That doesn’t explain how you knew about this place.”

Sand’s mother laughed before answering, helping to break the somber mood. “Well checking up on you at home or work was easy, but then there were times when you would disappear and I had a feeling you had some other place to hide out in. I put my little spies on the case and I called in a small  favour from, lets just call him a friend, and bingo I found out you had bought this place. It made sense I suppose, this is where you two were happiest after all.” 

“Incredible” stated Ray in disbelief. 

“Thank you.” She grinned. “Running a gogo bar has its advantages, sometimes people need help keeping their secrets and sometimes that comes in handy when I need to  find out some  information like who owns what properties or who is pregnant.”

Ray sighed deeply at the mention of pregnancy and he leaned back against the couch and hung his head as he twisted the hem of his shirt. The weight of everything pinned him down and he looked more forlorn than ever. 

“Maybe it's better this way. It doesn’t even matter how we got here, maybe it’s just better that he stays with Summer and carries on with the life he was building. He seemed happy. I should have left him alone. I am a bad person.” Ray murmured, more to himself. His thoughts were clashing like waves in his mind. It was a mess, a chaos that he had caused and he couldn’t fix.  

Sand’s Mom changed her tone and she was more serious when she spoke, “You’re not a bad person Ray!” Ray sighed, he would have liked to believe that but he couldn’t, not now when all of his past actions were currently playing out in front of him like some horror movie. 

“You are not bad Ray”, she repeated softer now, “ you just lost your way a little.” She offered him a smile. “ I haven’t forgotten how you helped me with the club when it wasn’t doing well. You cared not just for Sand but for everyone in his life. It wasn't just Sand that wanted to make sure you were okay. I would have kept an eye on you even without him asking.”

Ray didn’t have time to find the right words to thank her  before his tears found him again. He covered his face with his hands and sobbed. If there was a time machine, he would use it and go back in time to cherish everything he already had. He took things for granted, took Sand’s care and love for granted. He couldn’t believe he let everything slip away just because he didn’t trust Sand more. 

And now, when he was trying to make things better, it was impossible.

“It’s such a mess”, he whispered through his tear soaked fingers, “and I don’t see any way that we can all get what we want. Summer will destroy everything if she doesn’t get Sand. I can’t let her do that, I won’t let her do that. I’ll just do as she asked and - disappear.” he looked up through his tear soaked lashes, “Sand has always been better off without me.”

Saying those final words destroyed him and he buried himself back into his arms and cried tears of pure defeat. 

Ray felt the warm embrace take him by the shoulders and pull him close. He turned into Sand’s mother and wrapped his own arms tight around her once more. He might have messed up her son’s life but he needed this hug right now. 

“Crazy” she stated. 

“What’s crazy?” sniffed Ray leaning back as he wiped his face. 

“It's crazy that I have had two people crying on my shoulder in the last couple of days. And they just so happen to be crying over each other.”

“He cried over me? I thought he hated me after reading the letter.”

“ Oh he was angry, no doubt,  but the anger came from a place of the deepest love . I’m not sure my son can exist without some form of you in his life even if it’s a version he wants to punch” she smiled gently. 

“He really is amazing, anyone else would have been done after they had read those words.” admitted Ray. 

“Of course, he is amazing. I raised him after all” she smiled proudly. “He's a kind, caring, compassionate human but your mistake was thinking that he was a pushover. And you pushed him too far, too hard and too often.”

“I know” Ray gulped his tears as he lowered his head, unable to meet her gaze at that moment. The truth was hard to hear. He knew what he had done, the things he had said, the mistakes he had made and the hurt he had caused but hearing his actions being called out by someone he respected so much hit harder than a punch ever could. 

“The problem was Ray, you could never accept that he loved you, for you, flaws and all. You were so concerned with your own self perception and being jealous that you couldn’t allow yourself to believe that you could be loved. And he loved you Ray, if you take nothing else away from all this, I want you to make sure you know how deeply he loved you.”

Ray nodded sadly in agreement as he picked at a stray thread on the hem of his t-shirt. Sand’s t-shirt. The only one he had managed to sneak into his suitcase that night when Summer had looked away momentarily. 

Sand’s mother reached out her hand and gently lifted Ray’s chin so he had no choice but to look at her, “But just in case you still need some convincing, I witnessed the fallout of both of his most serious relationships, him and Boeing, him and you. Trust me when I say that  yours was by far the worst.” She raised an eyebrow and Ray allowed himself a small smile. 

When he left Boeing, he was done; he didn’t  mention him again for a long time. He got rid of anything that reminded him of their time together and immediately set about putting his life back together without him. Sure there were some tears in the beginning but nothing compared to the rivers he has shed over you, even hid himself away for months in the mountains! Which I have still not forgiven him or you for! 

She scowled at him and Ray guilty looked down at his hands. 

“Anyway, I know my son better than anyone else ever will and I know that he never really got over you, he just learned to live with the gap you left in his heart.”

She stopped talking momentarily to let her words sink in. 

Ray heard her take a deep breath before breaking the brief silence, “and that is why I need to be sure about you and your intentions before I get myself involved in this chaos. I always promised myself that I wouldn’t interfere in Sand’s life, but seeing as things just seem to be getting worse not better I think it might be time I stepped in.”

Ray smiled again, if there was anyone who could fix this, it would be Sand’s Mom. 

“But-” she looked at him sternly. Ray gulped, his smile dropped and he braced for what was going to be said next. 

“I won’t help you unless I am certain that you are for real this time. I need to be sure that your intentions are pure and you will never be responsible for hurting my son again. So Ray this is your first and last chance. Convince me. 

“Convince you?” 

“Yes Ray,  convince me. Tell me why I should trust my son's heart to you again. Why do you deserve him.” 

Ray absentmindedly rubbed at the thin tattoo that adorned his finger and thought of Sand as he did. He thought of Sand marrying someone else and the sudden fear that gripped his chest threatened to crush him from within and he would never forgive himself if he at least didn’t try one last time.   

~ 

Nick sat in the studio chair watching Sand as he messed around with some chords on his guitar. The new guitar didn’t look right sitting on his lap. It was just a guitar but it didn’t feel the same. The weight of it was different, and no matter how much he tuned the strings, it didn’t sound the same. 

Nick noticed how uncomfortable he looked holding it. He watched until Sand gave up and put the guitar down and sighed heavily. 

Nick quickly looked away when Sand stood up to stretch his legs. 

With the mood Sand was in, Nick didn’t want to bear the brunt of any pent up frustration and definitely didn’t want to answer any more questions about why he had been so late to the studio today. He heard the studio door close and quickly looked around to see that he was now alone in the studio. 

He leaned back against the large chair back and gently rocked it back and forth as all the day's events swirled relentlessly around his mind. Ray, Sand’s Mother, secret apartments, the baby, phone calls, blackmail. 

It was all too much, Nick massaged his temples in a fruitless effort to stop the headache he could feel beginning. Although that might be from the punch to the face he had unnecessarily endured he mused. 

Nick closed his eyes against the intense lights of the studio and tried to make sense of it all, but his thoughts were quickly interrupted by his phone ringing loudly on the mixing desk in front of him. He answered it.

“Hello - yes - now?- what am I supposed to tell him? - okay I’ll try- okay okay give me some time to come up with something.” Nick listened for a moment to the caller before he heard the studio door close again. He swiveled his chair around to see Sand hanging his jacket up and Summer appearing by his side.  

Sand turned and found Nick staring directly at him. 

“I have to go, he’s back.” Nick didn’t take his eyes from Sand as he hung up the call without looking at his phone. 

Sand stared at Nick, his eyes full of suspicion “What was that all about?!” 

“Your Mom needs some help at the club, she told me to send you straight over.” 

“Why didn’t she just call me?” 

“She did! Your phone went to voicemail.”

“Oh.”

“Well I can’t go now, Summer is here. We have to go over some things for the wedding.” he smiled at her but Nick could see that it didn’t reach his eyes. 

“We need to finalise the menu,” gushed Summer as she linked her arm around Sand’s and looked up adoringly at him. “The wedding is so soon, we really need to get these things done today.”

“Sand, I really think you should go, it sounded important,” urged Nick, avoiding Summer’s sudden suspicious glare. .

“It’s okay Sand, we can go together”,  offered Summer. “Your Mom might like to help us pick.”

“No!.” shouted Nick. Sand and Summer both looked at Nick in stunned confusion. “Eh, I eh, need Summer’s help with something. So actually this works out well. Sand you go to the club and Summer you stay here and eh, help me.” Nick smiled but internally he was panicking. Lying on the spot was not something he was particularly good at and this was the worst time to test his skills. 

“Summer is that okay with you?” asked Sand resigned to whatever answer she gave. 

She eyed Nick again but relented and told Sand he had her blessing to go but not to complain if he didn’t like the menu she picked in his absence. Sand smiled weakly at her joke and moved to leave. 

“Wait Sand, aren’t you forgetting something,” joked Summer happily. 

“I don’t think so” answered Sand bemused. 

Summer pointed at her cheek and Sand understood what she meant. He bent down and placed a small kiss on her cheek and quickly turned before he could catch Nick’s judgemental eye. 

Sand left, leaving Nick and Summer standing awkwardly in front of each other in the middle of the room. Nick hadn’t had time to think this far ahead and had no clue what to say or do next. 

“Well?” asked Summer finally. 

“Well what?” Nick answered back confused. 

“What did you need my help with?”

“Oh yeah,” Nick scrambled for something to say before finally blurting out, “Could you help me with picking the song list for your wedding reception. I am in charge of the music after all and I want to make sure you like my choices.”

“Wouldn’t that be more of Sand’s department?” asked Summer, clearly confused by the request. 

“Eh, well if I let Sand pick he will just choose a load of sad, depressing songs. You know what his taste is like! I want to make sure people have a good time so I thought you might like to have the final decision.” Nick breathed out as he finished speaking, hoping he sounded believable. 

“Actually that makes sense,” agreed Summer and she walked towards the table Sand had previously been sitting at and glanced down at the pages of half written sentences and scribbled out words.

“I guess he is still struggling to write the song” mused Summer as she picked up a page and turned it over. 

“Eh yeah, just writer’s block I think. It happens to him sometimes,” lied Nick as he sat down opposite her and placed his laptop over the remaining pages concealing them from view. “I wouldn’t be worried, it’s probably just nerves. I am sure he just wants it to be perfect. It’s not as easy as you think to write songs.”

“Oh I don’t know, he never seemed to have too much trouble when he was writing songs about Ray.” Summer stated this so matter of factly that Nick stopped typing and looked up instantly. He was speechless, Summer had never spoken about Sand and Ray being ex’s before now and he had no clue how to respond. 

Summer sat back against the chair and raised her eyebrows at Nick, a challenge to try to lie to her again, but Nick was cautious. After what he had learned from Ray, Summer was not to be trusted. But looking at her now, Nick was annoyed. She sat in front of him planning her wedding, picking songs and menus, playing happy families and showing absolutely no signs of guilt over what she had done to Ray or Sand for that matter. Nick lowered his eyes to his laptop and angrily tongued his cheek before speaking. 

“I think it was easier for him to write songs about Ray. He was writing the songs to himself and to Ray, writing about all that they had shared together, the love and the heartbreak. He was working through his feelings and trying to make sense of all that had happened between them.” Nick paused and looked straight up at her, “but this song he is writing is just for you.” Nick shrugged to add insult to injury and was quietly pleased to see the look of annoyance on Summer’s face.

“You’ve never liked me, have you Nick?”

Nick slowly lowered the screen of his laptop and glared across the table to where Summer sat with her arms folded across her body. 

“Does it matter?” asked Nick bluntly. 

“It matters if you intend on interfering with my big day.”

“And why would I do that?”

“Because you don’t like me,” repeated Summer matter of factly. 

“I am not the one marrying you, I don’t need to like you.” Nick pointed out as casually as he could. He was biting his tongue as much as possible but he didn’t like this line of questioning and if Summer did not stop she might hear something she didn’t like. “Sand has made his mind up and I will support him.” 

“But you wish he would have chosen differently?”

“He wasn’t given much of a choice from what I can see.” Nick raised his voice without meaning to.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” Summer demanded as she jumped up and banged her palms against the table causing Nick to sit back in surprise. 

“If you have something to say Nick, then just say it,” spat Summer fiercly. “I am tired of the sly comments.” 

Nick snapped as he stood up to join her, pushing his chair backwards with a loud scraping sound echoing through the studio. “Why don’t you tell me what to say Summer, you seem to have a gift for putting words in other people’s mouths.” 

Summer narrowed her eyes but chose to attempt to deescalate the situation by sitting back down slowly, never taking her eyes from Nick. 

Summer bent her head downwards for a moment before looking back up at Nick. Her fake smile gracing her face once more. “I have no idea what you are talking about Nick,” She stated as sweetly as she could. “Maybe you should take a day off. All the stress seems to be playing tricks with your mind.”

Nick slammed his laptop closed, grabbed it up from the table and stormed towards the exit but he couldn’t resist a parting shot, “Oh and Summer, maybe you should write your own song, you can always pretend that Sand wrote it!”. 

She watched as Nick marched out of the studio, his final words still ringing in her ears. 

She sat still for a moment making sure that she was alone before reaching for her handbag that sat beside her chair. She pulled out a white envelope that had only had one word written on its front, “Sand”. She opened the envelope and began reading silently. 

Sand, 

It is time for me to go. 

I have caused enough pain and trouble in your life and I cannot allow that to happen again. 

You were making a good life for yourself before I came back and I should have seen that and not tried to mess that up. 

You were right when you left me, the only way for you to be happy is if I am not in your life. 

For once, I will do the right thing, I will make the right choice and I will leave. You will not hear from me again. 

This is your chance, go live a happy life and forget I was ever a part of it. 

But before you forget me, know that I loved you then, I love you now and I will love you forever. 

Ray

Summer lowered the page and placed it on the table in front of her and leaned over it, her head in her hands. She bowed her head and  watched as a lone tear fell onto the page, threatening to smudge the hastily written words. She smiled sadly at the little note at the bottom of the page as another tear fell, “It’s lies, meet me at Yolo tonight and I will explain.”

She lifted her head and hurriedly wiped her face. She stuffed the letter back in the envelope and placed it carefully back in her bag. 

She took a deep breath and blew out the air slowly before reaching for her wedding planner. She opened it and pinned to the front page was a picture of the ultrasound. A reminder to herself why she was doing all of this. She unpinned the picture, picked it up and then clutched it to her heart as she spoke quietly , “Sorry Ray, but I need him more than you do right now.” 

~~

The evening hours had stretched on for an eternity as Ray wandered aimlessly around the apartment unsure of what was happening or what was to come. He picked up his phone for what seemed like the millionth time but still nothing, no communication from anyone.

Ray sighed as he looked at his screensaver. A selfie of him and Sand from the music festival. Sand had insisted on a picture as they lay cuddled up on the bean bag, held in each other's embrace as they watched the night sky slowly drift by. It was the first picture they had taken together in years. 

They looked like themselves again, comfortable, carefree and most of all, happy. A snapshot of a moment in time where Ray had finally let himself believe that everything would be okay.

Ray thumbed his finger across the screen, across Sand’s face when the sudden knock on his door shocked him back to the present. He put down the phone and shuffled slowly to the door and opened it expecting to see Nick again but instead he was met with a solid fist to the face. 

As he was being picked up from the floor where he had landed, Ray muttered as he rubbed his throbbing cheek, “like mother, like son”. 

“It runs in the fucking family, asshole”