Chapter Text
Isak’s dad’s Nissan rolled to a stop as he flicked on his hazard lights. He’d stopped in the tram lane beside the bustling Christmas market, right beside Spikersuppa, the ice skating rink which sat in the center of Eidsvolls plass during the winter months. Impatient to find Jonas, Isak went to hop out of the car, but his father gripped his arm and handed him 300 kroner.
“For tonight. And find your mother something for Christmas while you’re here.”
Isak rolled his eyes. “But I’m going skating.”
“Isak,” his dad warned, with an edge of agitation. “Just try, will you? Kill two birds with one stone.” A tram’s horn could be heard approaching behind them on Stortingsgata.
“Fine,” Isak said with an indignant huff, grabbing the cash and jumping out of the car. “Thanks,” he mumbled as he shut the door behind him, and his dad was gone a moment later.
Shopping was the last thing Isak wanted to do. And he knew this was only so his dad didn’t have to take him out again another night. But Isak figured his mom had been having some pretty bad days lately. So he was going to at least try and find her something nice, if he could.
Isak shoved the cash deep into his jeans pocket, then headed toward the ice skate rental pavilion to look for Jonas. It was early December and already freezing cold, though the market stalls that lined the outdoor rink blocked some of the biting wind. An illuminated Ferris wheel towered over the plaza. It was 3 pm, the wan daylight already beginning to dim, and the Christmas market was full of families shopping and eating, enjoying the start of the holiday season.
Not like his family did stuff like this together anymore, but Isak was glad his father hadn’t questioned him when he asked to go on his own. He was 14, and he walked with his chin raised a little higher knowing his father trusted him to be out in public on a Saturday night with his friends.
Jonas had texted to meet him at the skate rentals off the side of the rink, and when the doors to the heated tent slid open, a big whoosh of warm air hit Isak in the face, making him suck in a deep breath. He pulled his blue beanie further down over his head and scanned the space, not spotting Jonas anywhere yet.
He wandered the rows of dinged up white lockers, dragging his hand along the metal grates, then finally took a seat on one of the narrow wooden benches. He checked his phone; Jonas was already 15 minutes late. He was just about to call him when he heard his laugh. He jumped from the bench and rounded the corner to find not just Jonas, but Olivia and Hanna from school, and they looked like they’d all come in together. Great.
Jonas saw him approach and tipped his chin up in greeting. “Hey Isak, what’s up?” he asked in a lazy tone that grated on Isak immediately. He only used that voice around girls. Jonas pinched the elbow of Olivia’s puffy purple coat and pulled her a little closer. She giggled.
“Hey,” Isak replied, trying to not let the disappointment show on his face. “I, uh…didn’t know you guys were coming.”
“Hi, Isak,” Hanna said softly from Olivia’s side. She smiled and looked at the ground.
“Uh, hey,” he replied. He already knew where this night was heading, and he briefly considered just walking out then and there.
“Yeah, I was just talking to Liv, and she said they wanted to go skating. I told them it would be cool if they came with us.”
“Really cool,” Olivia said, her dark eyes on Jonas.
“Yeah…whatever, I guess. Should we get skates?”
The girls wandered off to find lockers for their stuff, and Jonas and Isak leaned against the carpeted counter while they waited for the guy to find them skates. Everything smelled like shoe cleaner.
“You don’t care, right?” Jonas asked, nudging Isak’s arm with his elbow.
Isak didn’t reply right away, just made a show of digging into his pocket for his money.
“Liv is really cool. Just, like, give her a chance.”
“What are you, like, boyfriend and girlfriend now?”
“Not, like, officially. But she is awesome.”
“Okay.”
“Hanna is cool too, you guys should, like, hang out.”
Isak shot Jonas a withering look as the clerk handed them their skates. Jonas had been doing this more and more lately, bringing girls to hang out with them. When he did it, it was like Isak barely existed. Jonas would probably end up disappearing with Olivia after five minutes on the ice, and Isak would be stuck with her best friend all night. He’d known Hanna since they were little kids, and she was nice and all, but the way she’d been smiling at him lately, ever since Jonas and Olivia started “hanging out,” made Isak uncomfortable. There was a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach that definitely wasn’t butterflies. Something more like dread.
Isak threw his sneakers in a locker and started lacing his skates, eyes on his task. He could feel Jonas watching him, but Isak didn’t know what to say. They’d been friends their whole lives, but lately things felt weird and different, and Isak didn’t like it. It felt like there was this dividing line between Jonas, who went around kissing girls and making them giggle, and Isak, who had absolutely no interest in that. Not in girls, anyway. But he didn’t know about that either. He didn’t know a lot of things. He felt uncomfortable in his own skin, but he wasn’t about to tell Jonas any of this. Not when he was always so…preoccupied.
“Can you just be nice to Hanna tonight, dude? I’ll owe you one.”
Isak looked over at the girls, who were walking carefully toward them on the edges of their skates, holding one another’s arms and laughing. They approached, and Olivia laid her hand on the top of Jonas’ yellow beanie and squeezed, his big hair filling the hat.
“You guys ready?” Hanna asked.
“Hanna is so clumsy, she falls every time we come here,” Olivia said, shaking her head.
“No, I don’t,” Hanna said, cheeks pink. She shot a look at Isak, who looked away.
“Yeah, you do,” Olivia said, grabbing Jonas’ hands and hauling him up from the bench. His ankles wobbled once before he found his balance, and he laced his fingers through hers, letting them dangle between them.
Isak’s eyes drifted to their joined hands. It made his stomach hurt.
***
Fifteen minutes later Jonas had disappeared with Olivia into the hot chocolate tent. The rink was crowded, older teenagers laughing loudly and holding hands, singing along to the Christmas music being piped into the plaza. After Jonas slipped away, Isak had skated around on his own for a while, taking each corner at higher and higher speeds, seeing if he could smoothly cross one ankle over the other, the way he saw the older kids do sometimes.
He took a turn too fast and wiped out, falling on the ice in front of the carousel with a hard smack of his left wrist and sliding into the barrier with a grunt. Mortified, and hoping no one from school had seen that, he clawed his way up to stand again, only to find Hanna rushing toward him on the tips of her skates from the other side of the barrier, looking way too concerned. He blew out a breath, bracing himself.
“Isak! Oh my God, are you okay?” she asked, breathless.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he replied, brows lowered. His wrist was throbbing, but she didn’t need to know that.
“Are you sure? You went down pretty hard.”
“What, were you, like, watching me, or something?”
Her eyes widened. “No, I–I mean…” She stepped through the gate onto the ice gingerly, and sidled up beside him on shaky legs. Gripping the barrier, she came to a halt. “I can’t find Liv anywhere, so I was just hanging out and saw you. You’re good at this,” she said, smiling.
“No, I’m not,” he retorted, wrapping fingers around his sore wrist and wincing.
“You’re hurt,” she said, her voice full of sympathy. “Can I see it?” she asked, her eyes trained on his hand.
Before Isak could protest she had pulled his wrist gently into her hands and was turning it this way and that. Her long blond hair fell forward in a sheet, and he caught a whiff of her shampoo, something fruity. He watched her brows knit together as she examined him, her cheeks flushed from the cold, her breath making little puffs before her. Her lips were sparkly in the bright lights illuminating the rink. He wondered if he was supposed to do something, say something. He thought maybe he should try and kiss her, that seemed like the move to make.
He hadn’t kissed anyone yet. This seemed like a safe bet.
Hanna was really stretching this out now, rubbing her thumb across the knob of his wrist, watching his face for any reaction. He sucked in a breath when she touched the place that had hit the ice hardest, and her eyes flicked up to his, then drifted down to his mouth.
He considered it, the moment seeming to hang there in the frosty air. But Isak knew deep down he didn’t want to kiss her. Hanna was nice and pretty and smelled like strawberries, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be anything more than friends.
He pulled his hand from hers slowly, clearing his throat. She pressed her lips together and looked at the ice.
“I think I’m gonna go,” he said, not sure what else to say.
“But we just got here,” she called as he started to make his way off the ice.
“Yeah, sorry. I uh, don’t feel good. Tell Jonas and Olivia I said bye, alright?”
“But—”
“Sorry, bye.”
He walked quickly into the rental tent, praying he didn’t run into Jonas. Isak was even more angry with him now. They were supposed to go skating tonight, just the two of them. Then he shows up with some girl and dumps her friend on Isak? He pulled his sneakers back on, yanking the laces tight, wincing at the pain in his wrist. This wasn’t the first time this had happened, and Isak was getting pretty sick of this new version of Jonas who seemed to only care about sticking his tongue in girls’ mouths and forgot about his friends. Well, fuck that. He wasn’t about to wait around for him all night, and he didn’t need Hanna making those heart eyes at him either.
Isak stomped past the carousel into the market, hands shoved in his coat pockets, his breath warm inside the big burgundy scarf he had wrapped around his chin. At first he just walked around in a huff, pissed off at Jonas and feeling weird about Hanna. Then he started feeling kind of lonely walking around by himself, even though there were people everywhere. Looking around at all these happy little families made him feel even worse when he realized how not like them his own family was.
He couldn't remember the last time they did anything like this together. A pang of nostalgia hit him, thinking of how things were when he was little. Simple. And safe. When his parents actually liked one another, and his mom’s moods weren't so…unpredictable. When his dad was actually around and seemed like he gave a shit.
It felt like those days were long gone. Isak had been too young to appreciate them while they were happening. He looked around the market, feeling weary. These kids didn’t know what they had.
God, tonight really sucked, he thought. And he still was supposed to find his mom a damn gift.
He was in front of a market stand full of lame wooden Christmas ornaments, looking for one that maybe had “Marianne” spelled out in puffy paint, when a long, thin arm, wrapped in a purple cast, took hold of the stand and turned it, making all the ornaments jump on their racks.
Leaning slowly around the stand, Isak sent a scowl in the direction of whatever rude jerk had just spun it without asking.
“Whoa,” the guy said in a deep voice, raising his hands as if he was being held at gunpoint. “Careful.”
Isak scoffed. “You be careful.”
“No, like, careful your face doesn’t get stuck like that,” the guy said, and scowled right back at Isak. He was very tall, and very thin, bony in a way that made it clear he’d probably just had a huge growth spurt and the rest of his body hadn’t quite caught up yet. His dark blonde hair swooped over his brow, a black beanie perched on the back of his head, his coat unzipped and hanging open. The guy’s scowl melted into a big grin, and he laughed at Isak’s consternation. When he smiled, his whole face changed.
It was a nice face.
The guy crossed his arms over his chest, long fingers curling into the edge of his cast, which ended just below his elbow, his coat sleeve bunched over the top of it. It was covered in doodles and writing.
“My Gran says if you walk around with a frown all the time it’ll get stuck that way,” he said, with an old fashioned lilt to his voice.
Isak simply stared back, completely caught off guard by this stranger starting up a conversation with him. His brows lowered further as he tried to think of something to say.
“Hey,” the guy said softly, relaxing into a natural stance. “I was just kidding, man. Sorry.”
He looked maybe a year or two older than Isak. He didn’t recognize him from school, or from around his neighborhood. He’d have remembered him.
“Nah, uh, whatever, it’s fine,” Isak mumbled, eyes going back to the rack of ornaments. He blew out a big breath, which fogged before him, and went picking through the little wooden disks, feeling this guy’s eyes still on him.
“Watcha looking for?”
“Um. Something for my mom?”
“She a big fan of…whatever these are?” His fingers lifted a tiny wooden wreath from its rack, and Isak could see a white heart painted on the guy’s cast, near his wrist. He wondered who had put it there.
“I…dunno.” Isak shrugged without turning to look at him.
“Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do or anything…” He tilted his head until he caught Isak’s eye. “But maybe look around some more first. There’s some cool stuff around here. You can find something better, I bet.” He dropped the ornament and took a step back.
“Uh, yeah. Probably. Thanks.”
“What kind of stuff does your mom like?”
Isak didn’t understand why this guy was still talking to him. He glanced around for other kids his age, maybe a set of parents close by, but he didn’t see anyone.
“Oh shit, is she here?” The guy looked around, seeming genuinely concerned. “Did I just blow your cover?”
Isak shook his head and nearly smiled at how much this guy seemed to care about something so dumb. “I’m here– was here with my friend.”
“Phew.” The guy nodded with a half smile, his lips pursed. “Okay, so then what does your mom like?”
“I don’t know,” Isak said to the ground. He squeezed his coat pockets together and his wrist ached. “Like…baking or something?”
“Baking or something…” The guy nodded and started walking backwards. He kept nodding as he turned around and headed away from Isak, who wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Was he following this completely random guy, or…
The kid stopped, and looking over his shoulder, raised his brows. “You coming?”
They walked side by side through the market, all the little booths strung with lights, the sky now dark, the music from the skating rink echoing around Eidsvolls plass. They went past a booth selling donuts and waffles, which smelled sugary sweet and amazing, and the next one was selling sausages and hot pretzels. Isak’s stomach growled. It was probably almost dinner time.
He was thinking about maybe grabbing something to eat when the guy stopped in his tracks and Isak walked straight into his backpack, causing them both to practically fall down. Isak had grabbed the guy’s sleeve and quickly let go, embarrassed.
They were standing in front of a booth selling troll figurines, hundreds of them in various shapes and sizes, staring back at them with their large, round eyes, the fuzzy hair on their little heads blowing around in the cold breeze.
“Look,” the guy said with a laugh. He pointed to a troll with a pronounced scowl, its brows lowered, its lower lip protruding in a pout. “It’s you!” he said with a grin, then turned and did a surprisingly good impression of the troll’s expression.
“Shut up,” Isak replied, rolling his eyes.
“Did you model for this, or…?”
Isak leveled a look at him.
“Just kidding,” the guy said, all smiles, nudging Isak with an elbow. He watched Isak for a moment, then turned to the display again, looking them over one by one.
Isak was standing close enough that he could read all the pins covering the guy’s black backpack. The Clash. Nas. A melting clock. Joy Division. Romeo + Juliet, which surprised him. One that said “The Dude Abides,” and another that said, “Hello, Newman.” Isak recognized a couple of them, but most of them were unfamiliar; pop culture references he didn’t get.
“No, this one is you,” the guy said, choosing a small figure from the stand. It was a tiny old troll with huge black glass eyes, a long crooked nose, gigantic ears, wrinkled pink cheeks, and a bashful smile, which he covered with one hand sweetly. He was holding a four leaf clover and his toes were crossed over each other, as if he was being shy. He had a shock of gray hair that made him look like a dandelion.
“What the fuck?” Isak said under his breath, unable to keep himself from smiling. “No way that’s me.”
The guy held the troll up beside Isak’s face, putting a fist under his chin, like he was deep in thought. His eyes moved back and forth between Isak and the figurine.
“This is so you,” he said seriously. He kept a straight face for about three seconds, then burst out laughing. His eyes made little half moons, like an anime character.
“Yeah, well, that’s you.” Isak pointed his thumb at a troll that was twice as tall as the rest, standing with a walking stick, with so much hair that you couldn’t see its eyes.
“Hmmm.” The guy pulled his beanie off and shook his dirty blonde hair forward, pulling his fingers through it until it covered his eyes, then jammed his beanie back on. “What do you think?” he asked, standing up straight. He pursed his lips.
Isak thought…his hair looked really soft.
Isak nodded, then realized the guy couldn’t see him. “Yeah,” he said. “Spitting image.”
“Well I did model for that,” the guy said. Fixing his hair, he shoved the good luck troll into Isak’s hands and swung his backpack around to unzip the front pocket. “How much?” he asked the woman behind the counter, tipping his head toward the figurine in Isak’s hands.
“Eighty kroner,” she replied, holding open a paper bag to Isak, who couldn’t believe this guy actually wanted to buy this thing. He dropped it in, she folded the top, and handed it back to him. The guy pulled cash from his wallet and passed it to her, then pinched the bag from Isak’s hands and placed it carefully in his backpack.
He took a few backwards steps into the milling crowd and beckoned for Isak to follow. Over his shoulder he said, “I think I know what you can get your mom, come on.”
Isak followed without a second thought.
“Yo, I’m so hungry,” the guy said as they passed another set of food stalls, the delicious smells of hot chocolate and candied nuts in the air. “After we get your mom’s thing, you want to get some food?”
Isak merely nodded, feeling as if he was being swept along a current he had no control over, but found he kind of liked it. He almost felt like he already knew this guy, although he was sure he’d never met him before. He felt familiar, though. Isak wasn’t really one to make random friends out in public, but for some reason none of this felt weird.
“Cool.” The guy nodded and led Isak down one lane and turned a corner, leading him with purpose to a stall on the far end of the plaza. They passed a gap in the booths and Isak caught a glimpse of the skating rink, realizing he’d almost forgotten that’s where he’d come from.
“Okay, what about these?” the guy asked, throwing his arms wide.
They were standing in front of a booth selling embossed wooden rolling pins lined up neatly on a rack. They were used for making Christmas cookies, and each one had a different design. As they stepped closer, Isak saw one with a pattern of apples and pears. Beside that was a rolling pin carved with reindeer, then another that looked like his favorite sweater, with a snowflake design. Isak thought they were actually kind of cool.
“Is she, like, a serious baker? Does she have one like this already?”
“No, I don’t think so,” Isak said, shaking his head. They were covered in birds, and foxes, and… “Whoa,” he said, his fingers running along one he just spotted.
“What?”
“This looks like our hytte,” he said, picking up the rolling pin and slowly spinning it. Little pictures of a rustic cabin between tall flower stalks and pine trees repeated along the smooth, blond wood.
“That’s destiny!” the guy said and nudged him with his shoulder. “You should get it for her, I bet she’d like that. How much is it?”
Isak found the price stuck to one side. “Hundred and twenty kroner.”
“A steal!”
Isak’s brow lifted. “Did they hire you to sell these, or…?”
“I just have a good feeling about it.”
“How can you have any feeling about it, you never met her.”
“But I met you,” he said sagely.
“Yeah, like five minutes ago.”
He angled his head. “Do you like cookies?”
“Who doesn’t like cookies?”
“Well, don’t you think if you gave this to your mom she would make you some?”
“Probably?”
“Is that a question?”
“Yeah, she’d probably make me some cookies, I don’t know.”
“So that gives me a good feeling, that you probably have cookies in your near future.” The guy grinned.
“You’re so weird,” Isak said with a soft chuckle.
“I think you mean wise,” the guy corrected.
“No, I definitely mean weird.”
The guy’s eyes went wide. “Just buy the thing so we can go eat!”
***
They each bought a sausage and a Julebrus and went to sit on a bench by the swirly, illuminated Helter Skelter lighthouse that stood by the light arch. Isak’s mom’s gift was stowed in this stranger’s backpack, whose name Isak still didn’t know. He thought about asking, but the more time he spent with him, the more awkward that became.
Isak ate his sausage, which was really good - hot and spicy and a little bit crispy on the outside - in about one minute flat. He immediately wished he’d bought something else, his stomach still growling. From where they stood they could see the ice skating rink through the crowd, and he hoped Jonas didn’t catch sight of him. He suddenly realized that maybe Jonas was mad, or worried, that Isak had just left like that.
Isak checked his phone - no texts. So that meant Jonas was still too busy making out with that girl to even notice Isak had gone, which made him angry. But it made him sad too, to find himself so apparently dispensable. And he felt kind of bad for leaving Hanna by herself, after Olivia had done the same thing to her. Maybe he shouldn’t have been so quick to bail.
“Hey,” the guy said, tapping his toe against Isak’s, startling him. “You okay?”
Isak cleared his throat, then took a swig of Julebrus. “Yeah.”
The guy crumpled the paper his sausage had been in and held out his hand. Isak placed his trash in his palm and the guy crinkled it into a ball with his, then launched it at a trash can three meters away, and sunk it.
“Three points,” he whispered. “Yesss.”
“Nice,” Isak said.
“You sure you’re okay?”
Isak’s brows lowered. His eyes drifted to the rink, pink and blue lights from the Ferris wheel reflected on the ice. For a second he thought he’d seen Jonas’ yellow beanie skate by, but it wasn’t him.
“Is your friend still here?” the guy asked, peering in the same direction.
“I, uh…I’m not sure, actually.”
“You guys get in a fight or something?”
Isak dug his toe into the ground. “Or something.”
“Sorry. That sucks.”
“Yeah.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
Isak turned and looked into the boy’s face, genuinely taken aback by that. Who the hell was this guy, was he serious? His expression was open, kind. His blue eyes were so sincere. He looked like he meant it.
How could he mean it?
Isak heard Jonas’ laugh, and this time he did see him - on the ice, in the center, by the tall metal warmer. He had both of Olivia’s hands in his, and he was pulling her toward him, laughing. Hanna was nowhere in sight. A pang of guilt went through Isak’s chest again.
“You wanna…go on the Ferris wheel?”
“Huh?”
“Have you ever?”
Isak twisted around and looked up at the Ferris wheel looming above them. The enormous blue spokes were bright in the darkness and lit up everything around it. Its enclosed booths swayed in the breeze as the wheel moved slowly in its rotation.
“When I was a kid,” Isak said. “Not in a long time.”
“You want to?”
“Uh…” Buying rolling pins was one thing, but being locked in a booth for at least 20 minutes with this kid seemed like a lot. Isak was instinctively about to say no, when the guy interrupted his train of thought.
“You just look kinda bummed,” he said with a laid back shrug. “I thought it might be cool up there. I’ve never actually done it.”
Something about the way the guy was looking at him made Isak’s stomach do a little flip. How’d he know what he was thinking? It was a little overwhelming, but also kind of…nice. That he seemed to notice.
“Ah…yeah, fuck it.”
“Yes!” The guy pumped his casted fist once and stood, sticking his soda in his coat pocket. “But first…I’m still hungry, are you?”
“Yeah, but I only have like 60 kroner left, how much is the Ferris wheel?”
“Don’t worry, I’ve got you…” The guy squinted at him, pulling on some stretchy gloves that fit over his cast, then straightened his shoulders. “I’m Even,” he said, extending his hand for a shake.
“Isak,” he said, letting the guy’s big, warm hand envelope his.
“I’ve got you, Isak,” Even said with a wink, then sauntered off toward the pretzels. Isak followed, still pleasantly swept along in the current, not taking his eyes from that backpack for anything.
***
The same music that was blasting from the skating rink was being piped into the entrance for the Ferris wheel, loud and tinny. Even bought their tickets, which made Isak feel weird, like he was his dad or his date or something. But the ride had been his idea, so he guessed it wasn’t all that strange.
With pretzels warm in their pockets and a bucket of popcorn to share, they had plenty of snacks for their journey. When Even stepped into the circular booth it began to sway back and forth, and a guy who worked there held it still for Isak to climb in after. They sat on either side of the bench that wrapped around the booth, and the guy closed the door, locking it in place. The booth was wrapped in plexiglass, so they could see out, but it blocked the wind and it wasn’t quite as freezing cold as it was outside.
Even popped the lid off the plastic tub of popcorn and offered some to Isak, who took off his glove and grabbed a handful with a nod. He shoved it directly into his mouth, which made Even chuckle. It was still warm and buttery, a little bit sweet. The Ferris wheel moved forward and they were lifted off the ground, the booth swaying slightly.
A phone dinged, and they both reached for their pockets. For a moment Isak wondered if Jonas had seen him getting on the Ferris wheel, but Even said, “It’s me.” He handed the popcorn to Isak, pulled off his gloves, and quickly shot off a text, then pocketed his phone. Isak took a few more pieces and handed back the tub, Even grabbing it awkwardly with the hand with the purple cast.
“What happened?” Isak asked, gesturing to Even’s arm.
“Skateboarding,” he said with a shake of his head. “Bit it on a curb after some guy almost ran me over with his bike.”
“Sucks.”
“Yeah, well.”
“Does it hurt?”
“When I first did it, yeah, like a bitch. Not anymore, though. But I’m stuck with this thing for another couple of weeks.” He patted it and looked at Isak with interest. “Do you skate?”
“My best friend does. I usually just watch.”
“You don’t want to try it?”
Isak shook his head and made a skeptical noise. “I think he only does it to impress girls.”
“And what, you don’t care about that?”
“What?”
“Impressing girls?”
Isak looked out over the skating rink, which they were beginning to rise above. “Not really.”
“I started skating just to see if I could do it. It’s harder than it looks. But it’s exhilarating, when you really get going? Like you’re flying or something.” Even’s phone dinged again. “Sorry,” he said, pulling his phone out. “My friends.”
“It’s okay.”
“There’s this party tonight,” he said, while he typed out a message.
“Cool.”
“I was supposed to be at my buddy’s house like an hour ago,” he said with a laugh.
“Wait, really?” Isak suddenly felt bad, like he’d somehow made him stay against his will. “Why aren’t you there, then?”
Even nudged Isak’s toe with his own. “You just looked like you needed a distraction.”
Isak suddenly felt flustered and looked away, not sure how to react to that.
“And it’s early anyway,” Even said casually, looking out the window and munching on popcorn as they slowly rose in the air. He sighed, then turned to Isak with a sympathetic look. “My friends like trying to impress girls too. They’re obnoxious.”
“Do you?”
“Me? Nah. I mean, I just like getting to know people. I’m not trying to be anyone but myself. If they like me for me, then that’s when I know they’re right for me.” He glanced down at his cast. “There was someone I thought might be cool,” he said, rubbing the heart with his thumb a couple of times. “But…they didn’t really get me.”
Isak noticed that he used “they” and not “her.” He glanced out the window and spotted Jonas and Olivia with Hanna. He apparently frowned without meaning to, which Even seemed to notice.
Even leaned forward, pressing his forehead into the plexiglass. “Is that your friend?”
“Yeah. Jonas.”
Even sat back and offered him the popcorn. Isak took a couple of pieces. “You can tell me what happened if you want,” Even said as he sat up straight, seemingly wanting to show how trustworthy he was.
Isak wasn’t the type to just tell total strangers about his shitty night, but Even seemed, like, very interested.
“We were supposed to go ice skating tonight, just he and I. But then he showed up with this girl he’s, like…hooking up with, I guess? And her friend, this girl Hanna.”
Even was nodding, eating his popcorn like this was some kind of good story.
“The second they showed up, Jonas just went off with his girl and left me with Hanna. So I bailed. Although,” he squinted down at the rink, trying to find her in the crowd. “I feel kind of bad I left her with them, by herself.”
“Third wheel,” Even said, glancing out the window. “Sucks.”
Isak grimaced slightly, thinking of his bad deed.
Even leaned forward, a little smile on his face. “You didn’t want to hang out with Hanna?”
“No. I think…she likes me, or something.”
“But you don’t like her?”
Isak thought about her sparkly lip gloss. “No. I mean. She’s, like, a nice person or whatever.”
“But she doesn’t give you that feeling?”
“What feeling?”
“Like your insides are full of bubbles or something?”
Isak rolled his eyes and leveled an “Are you kidding?” look at Even. “That’s so cheesy, bro.”
Even laughed, unperturbed. “It’s a great feeling, what?”
“I haven’t…” Isak shook his head and started picking at the bolt in the white plastic bench he was sitting on. “I don’t think that works on me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…my friends won’t shut up about girls.” Even nodded, but didn’t interrupt. “But I just…don’t think about it much.” And the part that he didn’t add: he was afraid that he was different. That maybe his interests lay…elsewhere.
“Maybe you’re just not there yet.”
“Maybe.” Isak shrugged and looked out the window, feeling dumb. He always hated it when people pointed out how young he was, especially compared to his friends. He still looked younger than most of them, and it bothered him more than he let on.
“Or maybe you haven’t met the right person yet.” Even caught Isak’s eye and looked at him in a way that made Isak squirm a little bit. His eyes were so blue, the lights from the Ferris wheel reflected in them like tiny neon stars. His expression was…fond.
Isak couldn’t maintain eye contact and looked away. Suddenly the wheel stopped and the booth lurched, swinging back and forth.
Even’s free hand flew to the bench beside him, his fingers splayed. “Damn. This is like, really high, right?” he asked with a weak laugh.
Isak shrugged. "I guess?" He’d been on roller coasters way higher than this at Tusenfryd when he went with Jonas’ family every summer.
Even’s whole demeanor changed and he started breathing fast. His cheeks were suddenly splotchy. “This is so dumb,” Even said quickly. “I thought this would be okay, but I guess I’m uh, kind of, like, not great with heights?”
“Wait, really?”
They lurched again as they started to crest the very top of the wheel, the ice skaters below tiny, like ants. It was windier up here, and the booth was moving back and forth more. Isak watched as Even’s whole body began to stiffen, his fingers gripping the bench tightly.
“What if you close your eyes?” Isak offered, and Even immediately squeezed his eyes shut, scrunching up his face. His breathing was still coming too fast, in gasps, and Isak felt really bad for him. He remembered that sometimes when his mom was really upset he could just kind of reach out and touch her and it would calm her down. With this in mind, he leaned forward in his seat and gently rested a hand on Even’s knee. He had no idea what he was doing, but it seemed like maybe it helped because as soon as his palm was laying against Even’s knee, Even let out a breath through his nose, like he was trying to chill out.
“This is so embarrassing,” Even said with a nervous laugh, trying to make light of it.
“It’s okay,” Isak said, rubbing his hand up and down a little bit. Isak knew it would be a few minutes before they started descending, the wheel stopping constantly to let new people on and off the ride.
Even’s phone started dinging again in his pocket, but his hands were clenched to the booth’s bench.
“Can you look at that for me?” Even asked, frozen in place. “It’s just in my pocket.”
Isak carefully fished the phone from Even’s coat with his free hand and tapped the phone to life.
“Adam wants to know where you are.”
“God dude, take a chill pill,” Even said, but made no move to grab the phone, which dinged again.
“He asked, ‘Are you still at Jul i Vinterland?’”
“Can you just tell him yes?”
Isak typed the reply, then sat for a moment watching Even with his eyes closed, his hand still warm on his knee, not sure what to do.
“Can you, like, distract me?” Even asked.
“How?”
“Anything,” Even said, a hint of desperation in his voice. “My heart is like…”
Isak quickly racked his brain. Did he know any good stories? Maybe a joke? What did he do when his mom was freaking out? She liked music, he used to sing to her sometimes.
“Isak?” Even asked, panic creeping in now as they hadn’t moved from the top of the wheel.
Outside, the bouncy synths of a new song began, and Isak knew this one. Was he really about to do this for some guy he didn’t know? He felt so stupid. But seeing the fear on Even’s face made Isak feel so bad for him, it gave him courage to begin.
“Last Christmas I gave you my heart,” Isak started to sing quietly, embarrassingly off-key, but the moment he’d begun, Even's face softened a bit. “But the very next day, you gave it away.” Isak tapped Even’s knee to the beat as he sang, “This year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.”
Even suddenly laid his hand over Isak’s on his knee. “Please don’t tap,” he said, “that makes me more jumpy.” Isak, embarrassed, tried to pull his hand away, but Even held on tight. “No, wait, sorry, I mean, you’re really helping. Please don’t let go. Just don’t tap.” He wrapped his fingers around Isak’s palm, and Isak didn’t know what else to do but keep singing.
After the first verse repeated he found he didn’t know any more of the words, so he kind of hummed them and made some up, which made Even crack a smile. By the time the song was over, they’d dipped down to a lower spot on the Ferris wheel, and Even had finally begun to relax, opening his eyes again and looking out over the busy market.
“Fuck,” Even said under his breath, letting go of Isak’s hand. Isak gave Even his phone back, sitting back in his seat, in near disbelief that that had worked, somehow, even if it had been a little humiliating. “I’m…really sorry about that. This was a dumb fucking idea, to come up here.”
“No,” Isak said, watching the color come back to Even’s face. “I’m–it’s cool. You feel okay now?”
“Yeah, I’m okay now,” Even said, letting out a big breath and laughing, some kind of relief-induced euphoria seeming to set in. “That was nice,” he said, and he smiled so big it made Isak’s belly swoop. “You’re so nice.”
Isak’s face got hot, but he huffed out a sarcastic laugh that made Even look at him expectantly.
“No one thinks I’m nice,” Isak said, thinking about Hanna and Jonas.
“Then they must not know you very well,” Even said with another smaller, softer smile, and Isak’s belly flip-flopped again.
They finally reached the bottom of the Ferris wheel, and when they stepped off, Even acted goofy, like his legs were bendy. He reminded Isak of the Scarecrow from “Wizard of Oz,” and he shook his head at Even’s theatrics.
Even started wandering away from the Ferris wheel, toward the long tunnel of lights close by. It was a big archway, made of thousands of small glowing lights, which came to a point high above their heads. Even led them into the arch and they started walking through it slowly.
Even nudged Isak with his elbow. “Sorry tonight sucked for you. Can you go do something else instead?”
“No, I’ll probably just go home.” Isak wasn’t really allowed to just go wandering into the city by himself at night. He had nowhere to go, anyway.
“I’d invite you to this party, but…”
“I’m like, a kid?”
Even smiled. “How old are you?”
“Fifteen,” Isak lied.
Even looked at him like he didn’t believe him, but he just nodded like it was the truth. “I think you have an old soul, Isak.”
Isak had never had anyone say that to him before. He wasn’t exactly sure what it meant, but he liked the sound of it.
Even bent a little closer. “I can see why that girl likes you.”
Isak’s heart started beating faster, and he was suddenly very aware of how close Even was to him. “Yeah?” he asked, not sure what to say.
Even laid a hand on Isak’s beanie and squeezed. “Yeah. You’re really cool.”
Isak wasn’t used to so many compliments. He felt…weird.
Even’s phone dinged a few times, but he ignored it.
“You’re cute, too,” Even added, his voice low and smooth, coming to a stop in the middle of the tunnel.
Isak blushed and his eyes dropped to the ground, not sure where to look, not sure if this was like when his mom’s friends called him cute, or if Even meant he was cute cute. He started to feel jittery as the lights twinkled all around them. They came to stand a little off to the side, moving out of the way of people trying to take photos.
“Hey, you want to sign my cast?” Even asked, pulling a black marker from his pocket.
Isak mumbled a yes and took the marker. When he twisted off the cap, he winced at the pain in his wrist.
Even looked at it in concern. “What happened?”
“I fell on the ice earlier,” Isak said nonchalantly, trying to brush it off.
“Let me see, I’m an expert.” Even pulled Isak’s hand into his and slipped Isak’s glove off, holding it under his arm. He gently maneuvered Isak’s wrist side to side, then bent it up and down. Holding it in both hands, he ran his thumbs back and forth over the top of Isak’s wrist, and Isak’s heart was going crazy in his chest.
“Does this hurt?” Even asked, unaware of the pandemonium going on inside Isak’s body right now. “This is what the doctor did when I broke my arm.”
“Um…” Isak sucked in a sharp breath as something Even did actually caused him some pain.
Even’s eyes widened in sympathy. “Oh shit, sorry,” he said, handing him back his glove. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” He patted Isak’s wrist a couple of times very gently and the tremulous feeling inside Isak grew stronger. “It seems okay, but maybe put some ice on it when you get home.”
If only to distract himself, Isak nodded and pulled the marker cap off with his teeth, holding it there like a cigar, as he pulled Even’s cast toward him. He found a small blank spot near his elbow and drew what he drew all over everything - his textbooks, his notebooks, his desk. A striped triangle with an open eye in the center.
“What’s that?” Even asked when Isak finished, twisting it around so he could see it. “Is that an eyeball?”
“Illuminati symbol,” Isak said, popping the cap back onto the marker.
Even’s brows went up and he looked at it again with a slightly confused smile. “What does it mean?”
“It’s like…infiltrating the world power. Or some shit,” Isak said with a laugh. “I don’t know, Jonas is obsessed with it.”
“Thanks,” Even said, pulling his coat sleeve down over Isak’s work. “Now I’ll see it and think of you.” His phone dinged again and he sighed, tipping his head back. “I probably have to go soon, my friends are starting to lose their shit.”
Isak nodded, thinking he should ask for Even’s number, or his last name, or anything to make sure he could see him again. He wanted to see him again. But he panicked, too shy to say something. He didn’t know if that would be welcome or warranted. He was just some kid, why would this guy care about seeing him again?
“Oh, don’t forget your mom’s gift,” Even said, turning to let Isak open his backpack. Isak stepped closer and slowly unzipped the bag, taking in everything about Even, the clean smell of him, the The Cure and Talking Heads pins on the flap of his backpack, the way his hair was poking out from his beanie in little waves. Eyes on the freckles on Even’s long neck, Isak shivered, his hand stuck in his bag, and Even turned and looked at him over his shoulder.
He looked as if he was about to say something, but then his eyes locked on Isak’s. The moment hung, suspended in time, as they blinked slowly at one another amid the twinkling lights. Without meaning to, Isak’s eyes drifted to Even’s full lips, which curved into a tiny smile. Catching himself looking, Isak’s eyes flicked up to Even’s again, but found Even’s gaze had lowered to Isak’s mouth as well. Something in Even’s eyes seemed to shift, and he twisted himself closer–
“YO, EVEN! There you are, bro!” A kid with black hair, wraparound earmuffs, and a big gray scarf was walking up to them, breaking the spell.
Isak, heart pounding, cheeks hot, pulled the rolling pin from Even’s backpack and zipped it up quickly, taking a big step back into the wall of lights.
Even and the guy did some kind of elaborate handshake as Isak looked on dumbly.
“Adam, this is Isak,” Even said, gesturing to Isak. “Isak, my buddy Adam.” Even’s cheeks were flushed, and he was smiling.
“Hey,” Adam said, giving Isak a nod, just as his phone started to ring. He answered and started making plans with someone while Even and Isak watched. Even shot Isak a furtive little glance, his eyes flaring wide for a split second, as if to acknowledge whatever the hell almost just happened between them.
“Yo, we gotta go,” Adam said to Even, giving him a quick tap on the belly. “Elias is pissed!”
“Shit,” Even said, bringing his hand to the back of his neck. “Sorry, Isak. It was really cool to meet you. Maybe I’ll see you around?”
Isak stood with his mouth hanging slightly open, unprepared for this abrupt departure. He wanted to ask for Even’s number, but felt too ridiculous asking in front of his friend, so he stood there, frozen, as Even began walking backwards away from him, his eyes bright.
Suddenly, to his friend’s annoyance, Even seemed to change his mind and stopped, then came running back. He pinched the elbow of Isak’s coat as he leaned in. “Sorry you had a crap night,” he said softly. “I hope I managed to cheer you up a little.”
He surprised Isak with a quick, tight, one-armed hug, and then he was backing away again, making an exaggerated scowl, mimicking Isak’s expression from earlier. Then he placed his index fingers on the corners of his lips as he walked away, pulling his mouth into a smile. Feeling bashful, Isak smiled in return. Even clapped and pointed at him in triumph before Adam grabbed his arm and wheeled him around.
Isak watched them walk across the plaza until they disappeared. Taking a breath, it was as if the world had turned back on around him, the loud music, the warm white lights in the darkness, the people milling everywhere around him. Shaking himself out of his stupor, he turned and walked slowly through the rest of the tunnel, replaying that moment back in his mind over and over again, the blood still singing in his veins.
An understanding dawned on him, some dissonant thing inside him aligning into a perfect chord. It seemed as if Even had maybe wanted to kiss him, back there. And Isak found he would have let him. He wished he’d let him.
He got it now.
Yes.
Now he understood.