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Five Failed Attempts
Judy Hopps tried to commit suicide for the first time on the early morning of August 5th, 2016. There was a famous bridge on top of a busy road, and that’s where she planned to throw herself off and abandon her existence. There were many things that went wrong, and she didn’t care to list them all out. All she knew is that it was all over; she had nothing else to live for.
The cars moved at an impressive speed. To Judy they looked like an unending stream of ants going toward their colony. Is this what people thought about when they were going to kill themselves? she wondered. Swinging her legs up and down, she sat there for a moment. No reason to rush anymore. She would jump when she wanted to.
The soft sound of a car parking near her was heard. Oh, crap, she thought. She didn’t think a cop would find her this early. She got ready to jump, not wanting to be detained. “Whoa there, I’m not a cop, toots. Chill out there for a sec.”
The voice was unfamiliar, but it did make her stop. She looked behind her, and it was a fox walking toward her, sitting down in the same position as hers. “Who…who are you?”
“I’m no one.”
“Why are you here?” she kept asking. She didn’t know why she was even curious, soon enough she would be dead, trampled by some cars. She’d become roadkill.
“No reason whatsoever. Just wanderin’ around, and saw a cute bunny about to jump off a bridge. Pardon my curiosity, but you don’t see that every day.”
“You’re not gonna convince me not to jump.”
“Oh, trust me, I’m not here for that.”
“Then what are you even here for? Just leave!” she raised her voice. She didn’t want a witness to be traumatized from her death. She had given a lot of pain when alive, she wasn’t about to ruin someone’s life because of her death.
“I’m jumping off too,” he said nonchalantly.
“...what?”
“Carrots, you’re not the only person in the world who wants to jump off a bridge.”
“But…you don’t seem-”
“What? I don’t seem depressed? Well, I’ve always been good at hiding that. But it’s true, I do want to kill myself, same as you. I was gonna go a different way about it, though, jumping off a bridge sounds painful.”
“It…should be instant death, though,” she said, wondering why the hell she was arguing the logistics of jumping into traffic.
“Ehhh, I think it’s 50/50. What if you end up surviving, just breaking both legs? Cars swerve out of your way, and then they call the cops, take you to a hospital, and you get called a survivor.”
This did get her to look down at the speeding cars with fear. “Then…how were you gonna do it, if you’re really saying you were?”
“Me? I was gonna go home, pop a whole bottle of aspirin, and drink until I passed out. Could probably skip all the pain and sleep peacefully. Forever. That was the plan, but I guess I’m jumping with you, Carrots.”
“Why?” she reiterated. “Just go!”
“Afraid not. We’re a team now. I’m Nick, by the way.”
She groaned. She didn’t expect to meet anyone else before her death. What was even the point of telling him her name? “I’m Judy,” she still said.
“That’s a cute name.”
“Can you stop calling me cute? Just because I want to die doesn’t mean it’s not offensive.”
“Oh, touchy word, I get it. Hey, since we’re here, why are you jumping anyway? You don’t really seem that depressed either.”
“Does my face not portray it enough?” she asked him.
“Not really, no. It just looks like you need two days of sleep. Maybe three.”
She chuckled. She didn’t think she would ever do that again. “Well, where do I start? Oh yeah, my parents disowned me, I got fired from my dream job, my boyfriend cheated on me with his secretary, I can’t find a job to save my life, and I’m going homeless in two weeks if I don’t get two thousand dollars that I don’t have. That enough to warrant me jumping?”
“Rough life, but I don’t think it matches mine."
“I have a feeling you want me to jump with the way you’re talking.”
“Hey, I did say I’m not trying to stop you. Anyways, since you told me why you’re jumping, it’s fair I tell you my reasons.”
She wanted to say no. She wanted to just scream at him to stop before she felt something. Before she cared. She set the date. She left her suicide note on her desk. She sent the same letter to her parents. But her voice was unheard of as Nick spoke.
“At ten years old I was bullied for being a fox. At eleven I started to hustle, doing whatever scheme I could to find some dough. At twelve, I met this very angry fennec who became my partner. At thirteen, I left my mother by herself since I realized she couldn’t support both of us. At fourteen, I lost my virginity. Not sure why I told you that, actually, it’s one of the only positive things I can recall. Anyway, fifteen years old, I discovered my mother died in a ‘car accident’ after a drunk driver purposely drove into her. At sixteen, I sold a crime boss a rug made out of a skunk and barely came out unscathed. At seventeen, I got my first girlfriend, who got me addicted to pot and cocaine. Cut to three years later, my girlfriend leaves me for a much better candidate than me and storms off with some of my money. ‘Some’ being about half a million dollars I had saved for the years of hustling. Now cut to thirty-two, remember my partner? The same crime boss I had sold the rug to ended up finding him and skinning him alive. They sent me one of his ears at the door. But yeah that’s about it.”
“Fuck…” Judy couldn’t help but curse.
“If you ask me, I don’t know why I’m still alive, heh. I’ve been driving the whole night, not wanting to go home. Because I know that as soon as I go back to being alone, I’ll do what I told you I would do. My mother died alone, my partner died alone, and I guessed it was good that I died alone too.”
“Then…why are you-”
“Because I’m a freaking coward, Carrots. My whole life, I’ve run away from my problems. I want to die, sure, but the act of doing it…scares me so much.”
“Heh…I don’t think you’re alone on that.”
“Yeah…life is fucked up, huh? Why were we born to live if we just want to die anyways? Doesn’t make sense.”
“But maybe…” Judy said. She stopped leaning so much over the edge of the bridge. “Maybe you found me for a reason.”
Nick looked at her with a puzzled expression. “What do you mean?”
“Two people wanting to kill themselves just happen to find each other? Sounds like an act from above.”
“Like, from God?”
“I dunno, but it’s gotta be something. I…I’m scared too…but I see no other alternative here. I have no reason to keep going whatsoever,” she began to tear up. “But maybe…maybe you can help me find it. And I could help you find yours.”
“That’s…a nice proposition,” he smiled warmly. “Well, it’s either that or we cowabumga into traffic, I think your choice is nicer. Gives us at least more time. Okay then, Carrots. I accept.”
“Okay, lemme just…” she groaned as she stepped down from the ledge, sitting down on the pavement below. Just now, she felt herself trembling.
“You okay?” Nick asked, then blowing raspberries right after. “Never mind, of course you’re not.”
“Nick…I don’t think I want to be alone,” she said honestly, still sitting on the ground.
“You and me both, Judy. You wanna crash at my apartment?”
She looked at him apprehensively, but there was no other choice. She would probably try to off herself again if she went home.
The second time she tried to kill herself was a few weeks after her first. This time, she was almost successful. After trying to get more jobs, while also hanging out with Nick on her off hours, she could never keep it. She felt too anxious just trying to do something else. She hated that she was no longer a cop, and it reflected on her performance everything else. The day of her second attempt, she lashed out at an angry and bossy customer, a tiger with a horrible ego. She jumped and kicked her so hard one of her teeth had fallen out. She didn’t give them the satisfaction so she quit before she could get fired. When she got to her home, she cried for about two hours before filling the tub with water, grabbing a razorblade, and cutting one of her forearms from her wrist up to her elbow. She passed out before she could start cutting her other arm.
“Look who visits us from the afterlife,” said a familiar voice as she woke up in a hospital bed. “Welcome back, Hopps. Almost lost you there.”
“...Nick? What happened?”
“I found you, sweetheart. Honestly, the nerve of you, girl! Haven’t even thought of suicide for weeks and the next thing you do when you’re alone is cut yourself like a zucchini?”
“I…” she couldn’t give a reason. She couldn’t give him a why. She just cried. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Nick,” her tears were fat and heavy. “I-I know you’re trying, and I was too, but…but it was too much at once. I couldn’t handle it. Please forgive me.” As she cried, she noticed her bandaged arm and an IV bag full of blood, probably being transfused into her.
She also noticed Nick’s crying face too, and he grabbed her for a gentle hug. “I’m just glad you’re still alive, Jude. When I found you, you were so pale. I thought you were gone. But I still felt your heartbeat, and I knew I had to get you to a hospital as soon as possible.”
“I’m sorry you went through that, Nick,” she said, caressing the fur on his neck. “I’ll try harder, I just…I lost another job today, and I still don’t have enough money to pay my rent-”
“Screw your apartment. Come live with me,” he said, separating from the hug.
“What?”
“That’s one less worry off your back. Come live with me. That way you won’t have to pay a single cent.”
“Nick, come on, that’s stupid. I’d be bothering you so hard, besides, don’t you need to pay for your apartment too? I’d only be a nuisance.”
“You’re never a nuisance, you dumb bunny! I would never say this to anyone if I didn’t mean it. Please! I’d feel much better if you lived with me. It would be so fun. We’d watch movies together every night, do some laundry, play some board games-”
“Okay, okay, fine. I still need to pay what I owe from my apartment.”
“I’ll help you out, okay? Don’t even worry about it.”
“You…are you sure?” she asked timidly.
“Never been more so.”
She sighed. After nearly months of feeling nothing, her heart felt a warmth she couldn’t explain. “Let’s do it, then, Slick.”
Her third attempt was a brief one, and it was over as soon as it began, with Judy having a terrible headache and grabbing a bottle of pills that Nick had on the cupboard. She always woke up first to make breakfast and enjoy the quiet of the morning before the rowdy fox woke up and made it that more momentous. She liked making food for him, though. She enjoyed seeing him eat everything like it was a delicacy.
She tried grabbing plenty of pills and putting them all on her coffee, but her intrusive thoughts escaped her, and she only took one pill. She looked at her newly-formed scar on her forearm, now covered by fur but still very clearly seen. She traced a line with one of her claws. The wound and the blood loss hurt, but seeing Nick’s painful expression had hurt her more. It’s weird, caring for a mammal enough to not want to die anymore. She wondered if that’s what she was to Nick too.
They went on plenty of dates whenever she wasn’t job hunting, and Judy could swear under oath that she had never been happier than whenever she hung out with him. He was the exact opposite of her; a troublemaker by default, someone who wouldn’t be caught around cops even if his life depended on it. She always joked with him that she was still a cop by heart, and could arrest him at any point.
“At your complete mercy, Carrots. Take me away, for I’ve sinned!”
The ruckus wasn’t unnoticed by the patrons at the restaurant, but they both didn’t care. What Judy did care about was her shameful self-inflicted wound, and whenever they were out on a date, she would always have a forearm sleeve cover on it.
“You know I don’t care if they see it, Judy,” he said, tracing a line over her forearm with a claw. “It doesn’t matter to me.”
“It matters to me, Nick,” she said defensively.
“Just want you to know, you’re not weak for doing that.”
She grinned somberly. “This is how our relationship started, didn’t it? We were too weak to jump off a bridge.”
“That wasn't a weakness, we were brave for not doing it. It shows that we want to move on from everything that hurt us in the past.”
“...then why do I not feel brave? Look, I didn’t want to tell you, but I’ll come out and say it. I was thinking about it again today when I woke up.”
“Thinking about…?”
“Yeah…”
“Oh…what brought on that thought?”
“I don’t even know. It just came up in my brain, but I’m glad I didn’t. I’m glad we’re here.”
“Yeah…I’m glad too. Listen, you might not feel it right now, Carrots, but you’re brave. You’re the bravest mammal I’ve ever met, and don't you forget it. I’ll keep reminding you if I have to.”
She smiled. It was common for her to smile again thanks to Nick. “Anyways, you’re pretty good, Slick. For being free therapy and all that.”
“Ah, so that’s what this is, huh? I’m just free therapy to you?”
“Gotta say, it’s a pretty nice deal. I get to talk to you, cuddle with you, kiss you, and you get to say your very unfunny jokes that no one but me can endure.”
“Well, your free therapy has done some wonders to me too.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah. I actually feel like living for the first time in twenty years. I don’t think the most professional of therapists would’ve even made that possible. And it’s all thanks to you, Fluff.” He put a paw over hers. She couldn’t stop her tears from flowing.
“Nick…” she said warmly. She wanted this fox very badly. It was very uncommon of her to be greedy, but it felt nice to know Nick was all hers. Their reliance on each other was very apparent, and they would never let go of each other’s warm grasp.
Her fourth attempt was not even an attempt on her part.
“Oh, Nick, you’re killing me!” she screamed in pleasure as he ravaged her entire being. She didn’t think she’d ever had such a powerful orgasm, and Nick once again was able to push all her right buttons. It started slow, but she quickened the pace, her own rabbit biology overpowering Nick’s. It seemed like it was a slower approach for foxes, but rabbits didn’t dilly dally. If they wanted sex, they would have it. Nick didn’t object to being led by Judy. In fact, it seemed he actually enjoyed it, making sure Judy was loving every step of the way, and god he was perfect. One would think they wouldn’t be compatible for intercourse, but Judy was familiar with pain, and their initial struggle was nothing to what she had felt months ago, on the bridge with the ant colony of cars. This pain was worth it, and to experience it with Nick was the best feeling.
The pain only lasted a few seconds, anyway, and it was two hours of lovemaking that she would never forget. Nick was an attentive lover, making sure she always came before he did, and his stamina, despite being almost ten years older than her, would challenge even a stud buck from Bunnyburrow. In those two hours, there was nothing to fear, nothing to be sad about. It was just them, enjoying life and all its fruitful gifts. While life brought her unspeakable pain, it also gave her Nick, and she wouldn’t trade him for the world.
“I’m afraid…heh…this fox…has run out of battery,” he said, covering himself and Judy on their blanket. “I do okay?” he asked, turning sideways to look at her, still livid, looking at the ceiling of their home.
She turned his way, looking at him lovingly. “It was perfect, slick. More perfect than perfect itself.”
“Whoa, so it’s a ten out of ten, would try again?”
“Hmmhmm, obviously,” she said sultrily, dragging herself toward his chest, burying her face on it. She loved smelling herself on his fur. More proof that he was hers, and she was his.
Nick took the arm where she made her cut, and licked the awful line multiple times. “Does it still hurt?”
“It aches sometimes, when I remember that day.”
“Do you remember it often?”
To remember it, she would need to be alone with her thoughts, but most of them were for Nick now. How could she think of dark things when she was looking at the most powerful ray of sunshine? She kissed his snout. She kept her lips glued there for a few seconds before she went back to talking. “Not at all. Not when I’m with you.”
He smiled at her, teared up, and kissed her too.
Her fifth attempt was after a wonderful night filled with love.
She had been keeping a steady job at a government agency, was helping Nick look for a job as well, and was even saving up to buy her own house with him. The apartment they lived in was cozy, but not perfect. Judy had given Nick the idea, and as long as she promised him that she wouldn’t work too hard for it, she could start saving up, and so she did.
After a busy day at her job, she was happy to come back, and Nick waited for her, as he always did, with dinner already prepared. She decided to skip it, however, instead jumping at Nick, his better choice of a meal. It had been as perfect as every other night, not a single thing to explore besides each other.
Nick was out like a light, but Judy stayed awake. For the first time in a while, she was deeply in thought, looking up at the ceiling, navigating through every hurdle she had experienced. She looked at Nick, who seemed like the happiest person alive. But she…she still didn’t feel happy. Months ago, Nick had told her that she was brave, and that she would feel it with time, but that time had passed, and she was still not feeling brave. Her body was screaming at her to feel brave, but her brain resisted, still calling herself a piece of garbage and a waste of space. How much of Nick’s happiness really came from her? How much did he actually need her? Did he actually need her at all? Those thoughts and more started bubbling up in her rapidly-decreasing mental state, and she snapped.
She was hyperventilating, trying to calm herself by walking around the apartment, but nothing worked. Her urge came back. It was the same exact feeling from almost a year ago. She looked at the ants, going toward their colony. She imagined jumping at them from a big height. A big height. Where could she find something like that in her apartment? Oh, right! She knew what to do. Their apartment was on a third floor, and all floors had a fire escape. She scanned the kitchen, and there she found it. A window, and beyond it the fire escape stairs, to which she could launch herself from. This was for the best. If she still felt this guilty and destroyed there was no point in moving on. She opened the window, she got out into the fire escape. She felt the coldness of the platform touch her already icy feet. She touched the ledge, and without much thought vaulted over it…
…or at least she attempted to, as a massive paw took hold of her ears and another paw grabbed onto her chest. “Judy, what the fuck are you doing? Don’t you dare do this!”
“...Nick?” It was her worst nightmare. Her arm wound ached like hell as Nick grabbed onto her and pulled her to a safe place in the fire escape.
“Why…why would you do this? I thought you were…I thought we were past this!”
“I…I…” She didn’t know what to say.
“Don’t you remember what you said? It must’ve been for a reason that we met, and you were right! Why would you do this?”
“I…Nick, this is not about you, this is about me. I’m still not the brave bunny you want me to be.”
“Goddamnit, Carrots! It’s always about you, isn’t it?! Never about me! Don’t you remember I wanted to die too? I wanted to jump off that bridge with you!”
“And you didn’t, and now you’re better. But I’m not. I might hide it well, but I’m still a fucking mess! I’m a nuisance, a waste of space, someone no one would want around. I know. I know that you’re much better than you were before and as soon as you’re better, you’ll just leave me, because this is too fucking good to be true, Nick. I never thought…” she was crying hard. Harder than ever before. “I never thought I could be this happy with anyone, and my life is so fucked up that I know it won’t last. It just doesn’t work like that.”
“Judy, please, listen to yourself! Do you really think I’d do that to you? Leave you behind after you’ve become the most important thing to ever exist?? Judy…I love you! There is no one, no one! No one else that I would rather spend my life with. And you say I’m better? Oh, please, I think about doing this all the time!”
“Wh-what?” Judy said. “Doing what?”
“Jumping off this balcony, Judy. Because I’m still fucked up. I’m not as better as you said, and the only reason I haven’t done it is because I have you, and I’m pretty sure that if I stick around with you, I will have a fulfilling life. Because it’s been nothing but flowers ever since you came to my life. Thirty two years on this earth, and this is the happiest year I’ve ever had, all because of you. Do you remember the proposition you gave me? The reason we didn’t jump?”
“...I said that we would each help the other find a reason to keep going,” she said, and Nick began wiping her tears even as more came out.
“And we did! Ever since that day, my one and true purpose has been loving you. Making sure you were okay, making sure you lived happily. It made me forget about my own sad life. I’d like to think that I’m your reason for wanting to live too, right?”
“You are! You are, and everything has been perfect with you! I’m just so scared, Nick! Scared that this is just a dream that’s gonna end right when I’m the happiest. Or that something terrible will happen to me or you and it will all just be stripped back. I want…I just want to be sure that I can be happy.”
“Judy,” he put his paws on her cheeks. “Are you happy right now?” She nodded. “Are you happy with me?” She nodded. “Do you love me?” She nodded. “Now, do you think I will answer yes to all of those questions?” She nodded. “And you’re goddamn right, my love. I love you today. I love you tomorrow. I love you forever. I love you so much that I would redo my whole life the exact same just so I could meet you again. And whenever you even think about doing this, remember that we’re a team, and that I won’t shame you, or hate you, or leave you. You’re that important to me.” He began crying too, not being able to handle such strong feelings and speech. “Just please, don’t do this to me. If I ever lost you, I don’t think I would-”
She heard enough. She cut his voice with a passionate kiss, one that told him everything. Her sorrow. Her regrets. Her pain. But also her joy, and her lust, and the freedom she felt when she was on his arms. She let go of the kiss. “I’m sorry for doing this to you again,” she told him.
“It’s okay.”
“You’re it, Nick. You really are. You’re bigger than my dream ever was. You’re my salvation. I…can’t promise I won’t think about doing this again, but next time, I’ll try to give you signs. I’ll hold you tight when you’re near, and seek you out if you’re far. But I won’t leave you alone again. Never again.”
“That’s my bunny,” Nick cried out as he pulled her into his arms again. The love he felt for her could not be said with words, and he hoped today would just be a small hurdle in what would be a great future.
But the future is always uncertain. Life is constantly unfair, and problems are constantly arising. But as Judy was carried in Nick's arms and brought to their bed, and as she rapidly fell asleep in his chest, she quickly stopped thinking about the future. For now, it would be one perfect and happy day at a time, with the mammal she loved most.