Chapter Text
CHAPTER 1
1982:
“I don't want to go”, pouted Jan.
It was a late Thursday evening. He was standing in the middle of Bela's room of their apartment, the room's owner was sitting on the bed. Jan's mother was going on a short vacation with her husband for the weekend, and they had asked Jan if he could spend the weekend at their house, looking after the house and Julia too. Sure she was already a teenager and was probably already starting to rebel against the idea of her big brother babysitting her, but the stubbornness ran in the family and there was no saying back to their mother, so Jan (as well as Julia) could do nothing but agree. Of course, he enjoyed spending time with his sister, whom he did not see that often anymore since moving out, but right now he would have liked to spend his time with someone else even more.
Bela tilted his head and smiled slightly. He stretched his hand towards Jan. It was a call in for a hug. And Jan was more than happy to participate. He rushed to sit down next to Bela and leaned his head against his shoulder, Bela lightly wrapping his arm around him.
“Why can't I stay here?” Jan mumbled, he was staring at the ceiling, and his hair tickled Bela's neck.
“Because your sister needs you”, Bela answered, rolling his eyes.
Jan lifted his head and looked Bela deep in the eye. “But I need you.”
Bela rolled his eyes one more time: “But she needs you more. I am here whenever you come back. Since we both live here.” He gave a laugh and tapped Jan on the upper arm.
“Yeah, I know”, Jan replied, turning to look at the opposite wall. “But I still don't want to go.” Suddenly his eyes lit up when he looked back at Bela: “Hey why wouldn't you come with me?! Julia, you and me! That would be fun, we could have a movie night and---”
“No”, Bela interrupted him, shaking his head. “I have stuff to do. I can't come with you, sorry.”
Jan looked a bit sad now. He opened his mouth, but Bela was faster.
“Now. Go. We will see each other on Sunday again”, he said and pushed him up and away from his shoulder.
“You're right... and my bus is leaving soon anyway”, Jan hesitantly sat up properly. He turned to Bela again: “Could you at least walk me to the bus stop? Please?”
“Sure, why not. Let's go, then”, Bela stood up, tapping Jan on the shoulder now.
“Yeah!” Jan called out as he stood up as well, throwing his hands in the air. He was staring at Bela, having this weird look on his face.
“What?” Bela raised an eyebrow to emphasize his question.
“I just... erm, nothing”, Jan turned his head away.
But Bela knew already. He placed his hand on Jan's shoulder again, and smiled. “This?” he asked and vaguely pointed at his lips with the hand that was on his shoulder. And Jan nodded.
---
The bus stop surprisingly was empty. So many times they had walked each other to one of those public transport stops or stations before moving in together, and some of those had already become nostalgic. But not as nostalgic as the one in Spandau, of course. Bela slightly smiled at himself when he remembered all those times they had spent at the bus or train stops messing around with each other, and oh how happy he felt that they no longer needed to do that, apart from the days when one of them would visit their families.
Usually they didn't go to the bus stop until just a few minutes before the bus would arrive, but instead stood in the shadows of surrounding buildings. Just like this time too. One particular corner had become their corner, as there was a smaller power box which often worked as a bench for Jan, and the overall place was slightly left in the shadows of the building and trees surrounding the pavement. He was sitting on the power box this time too, leaning his back against the rough concrete wall of the building behind them. Bela was there standing in front of him, leaning his back against the box and his elbows on Jan's knees, and he was smoking a cigarette meanwhile.
Bela found it amusing how paranoid Jan still was over other people seeing them. If he hadn't been that paranoid, they would have probably been sitting on the bus stop's bench without giving a fuck about people around them. Normally Jan allowed Bela to be that close only when it was either really early in the morning or late at night, and when the chance of other people seeing them was at minimum. Bela wasn't even sure why, what was Jan even afraid of? The rebel he was, sometimes he liked to tease passer-bys with Jan anyway, and sometimes he did that also just to tease Jan himself. He could vaguely remember Jan sometimes saying something about the band and fans, but that still made no sense to Bela. Seriously, what was Jan so afraid of? The state of their friendship was no one else's business. To be honest, it would have not been that even if they had been romantically involved.
Jan was always so reserved in public that when it didn't amuse Bela, it really frustrated him. Jan was seriously focusing on keeping his hands off Bela, but sometimes even he got a bit distracted and ended up playing with a string of Bela's clothes or even mildly hugged him, but he usually did so when he was deeply in his thoughts and seemed scared when he noticed himself doing so. Bela, for sure, was never to say a word to Jan when he would do that, and it seemed to annoy Jan, which then added more fuel into Bela's fire.
Most often Jan was just using Bela as his arm rest, though. Which sometimes made Bela want to have a temper tantrum and climb up his arm like a furious ant. He was feeling short enough beside him even without that. But it at least was some form of a touch, so he just settled for it regardless.
“My bus will be here soon”, Jan suddenly said from behind Bela.
“True”, Bela breathed in through his cigarette.
“Why, I don't want to---”
Bela quickly turned around: “What are you even doing? It's your sister, for fuck's sake!”
Suddenly Jan leaned in and kissed him. The taste of cigarette smoke made him cough and wipe his mouth. Bela blinked his eyes a few times. “I... did not expect that”, he said, baffled. Yeah, Jan rarely kissed him first, let alone in public. Usually Bela had to decode his strange body language and had already learned which meant what, but this moment had taken him by surprise, big time.
Jan opened his mouth, probably in means to say something again, but Bela quickly stepped back, pointing around the corner: “Your bus is already over there at the crossing!”
“Bela, I---” Jan started as he came down from the top of the power box. He followed Bela to the actual bus stop and past him, and headed towards the curb of the pavement next to it. The bus slowed down and stopped.
“Go now”, Bela was already walking backwards to the same direction they had come from. He was smiling.
“But, Bela, I---”
“See you on Sunday!” Bela waved at him now, still walking away backwards.
“See you--- Bela!” Jan called out, but Bela only smiled annoyingly at him, made a kissy face, waved his hand and turned his back, and started walking away.
Jan swore in his head and got on the bus. He apologized for the driver who had already asked him twice if he was going to enter or not, and had already almost driven away in anger. He actually wished that he would have driven away, that way he could have gone back home with Bela and 'apologetically' call his mom about how he missed the bus. Which would have not even been typical for him, the only times he had actually missed a bus was either when the earlier train or bus was running late, or because he was dragging Bela around with him and somehow Bela managed to be running late even then.
He sat down on a seat of the almost empty bus and watched through the window as Bela's dark figure disappeared behind the building.
---
Bela lit another cigarette and took a deep breath through it, which got him to cough a little. He maybe was a social butterfly, but sometimes even the most social animals need a little peace. He enjoyed the sounds of the surrounding city, and the silence that was a follow-up of Jan not walking and talking by his side this time. Something that felt almost weird after spending time in his company for 24/7, he had made sure Bela didn't have too much time to his own thoughts, which, some days, was a blessing.
At home, he immediately laid himself down on his bed and sighed from pleasure. Jan was such a homebody that days like these, when Bela got to be all alone at home, were a rare treat. And now he was going to have no less than three full days nothing but that. It reminded him of those days when he had been a teenager who got a chance to be at home alone when the parents left somewhere, and his sister would stay overnight at her friend's (or her boyfriend's, but which the parents obviously did not know the truth of). This night he would spend at home, just relaxing and being with himself, but one would be able to take only so much. The next day he would go out again with friends and party his brains out, without any worry of anything. The social butterfly in him needed to feast, sooner or later. And the sooner, the better.
---
Sunday came quite fast. Faster than Bela would have wanted it to arrive. He wasn't sure about at what time Jan would be back at home, but he knew him so probably not very late, at least. And if he was still in that same mood as on Thursday, he would probably come back home as soon as he just could. Unless he for some reason would stay at his mother's house until Monday morning, which sounded unlikely, and Bela was sure he would have already called him if that was the case. Or maybe he had already done so but Bela just wasn't home to answer the phone? Whatever was the case, Bela surprised himself by not being in the mood for meeting with Jan just yet.
It was mainly due to Jan's behaviour during the past few days. It was not usual for him to be so... needy, even. His kiss before getting on the bus was also confusing Bela, it was not like him to be that reckless. Not that Bela would have minded it – he was actually happy for Jan if this was finally starting to come out of his shell and be more relaxed and less anxious about all that, be it in public or private.
Because of all that, Bela's own thoughts had started to get rather mushy. Something he knew he would have to, and wanted to, discuss with Jan sooner or later, but which he did not know how to put into words yet. Therefore, on Sunday, Bela decided to play safe and force himself up and out of the door before noon (way before his normal wake-up time, after only a couple of hours of sleep, which made him want to go on a murder spree), just to make sure he wouldn't be home in case Jan would come back home very early on. He was getting nervous over the idea of having to face him without being prepared beforehand, so he just left Jan a note on the kitchen table saying, that he shouldn't wait Bela to come back home too soon.
In reality, he had absolutely nothing to do. He was just walking around the city and spending time in parks and such alone as everything was closed, and all his friends were at their homes either preparing for the upcoming work week, or recovering from the effects of the rough and wild partying during the weekend. Bela would have rather stayed in bed doing the same, too, as his head felt quite heavy, but his heart felt even heavier, so it was time for streets and not bed.
After sitting on another park bench, drawing pictures into sand with his pointy shoes (very useful!), he got up and started walking again. Eventually noticing that he was avoiding going anywhere where he knew Jan liked to go, in case he was back in town. Or, the area. Yes, he had to admit himself: he indeed was avoiding his best friend. He would have never ever believed that he would be doing so one day just because someone was nice to him, and just because he enjoyed spending time with this person who made him feel good.
When it was almost midnight, he was sure that Jan was already at home and maybe even asleep. It was also getting dark, so he lit the last cigarette of that night, and headed home too.
Jan was home for sure, his shoes, and jacket were on their place, and he seemed to be in his room. The door was partially closed but not completely, so a streak of light escaped to the small but badly lit hallway. Or badly lit was more like an overstatement – the light bulb in the hallway's lamp had blown a few weeks earlier and they either never had money for a new one (or had more important things to buy, like new records, for example), or they just kept forgetting to buy one.
Bela took off his shoes as quickly and quietly as he just could, and quietly tip-toed to his room, hoping that Jan would not either hear him, or would not come to look for him even if he had heard him. He closed the room's door and went to lay in his bed. He didn't even bother turning the lights on, as the streetlights and half moon provided enough light into the room anyway.
He felt relieved after succeeding at sneaking in back home without Jan noticing him. At the same time he felt himself like a fool. Who the fuck sneaks in back home, especially when one is no longer a teenager avoiding their parents! The third feeling was: his conscience. Nagging at the back of his head like an old hag, and very annoyingly too. He was avoiding his best friend who had done absolutely nothing wrong – he had just been nice to him, and very sweet with all that! On top of it all, Jan most likely had no clue what was even going on in Bela's mind in that very moment. He was imagining Jan's smiley face when he entered the flat excited to see Bela, only to be disappointed because he was not there. It was not fair towards Jan. Not at all.
Bela was staring at the shadows on the ceiling when he heard footsteps from the hallway. Jan was probably just on his way to the bathroom, probably preparing to go to sleep next. Bela, also, wanted to go to sleep already, but he was sure that he would not be able to get any sleep from his nagging conscience or would just end up seeing distressing stress dreams if he managed to fall asleep. He sighed and closed his eyes. Now or never.
“Hey, Jan?” he called after he heard Jan coming out of the bathroom and closing the door.
“Yeah?” Jan's optimistic, yet tired, voice infiltrated through the door.
“Come”, Bela continued, “I need to talk with you.”
Jan opened the door.
“Are you asleep?” he asked.
“No. Come in.”
Jan walked in. “What's on your mind, then?” he sat on the floor next to the bed, leaning his elbow on the mattress. At that very moment, Bela was very happy that they could only barely see each other in that darkness.
“What are we?” he asked from Jan, looking at him now. The half moon was reflecting from Jan's dark eyes.
“Friends. Why so?” Jan raised his eyebrow.
“Do you kiss your other friends?”
“No”, Jan looked slightly away.
“But we do”, Bela was still staring at Jan. “And often.”
“It's platonic!” Jan looked at Bela now as if he had just told him red is, in fact, red.
“What’s that?” Bela asked, and added after seeing Jan’s face: “What does ‘platonic’ mean?”
A short philosophy lesson ála Jan followed.
Bela turned his eyes towards the ceiling. “Right”, said he. After a short while he continued: “Well, neither do I kiss my other friends that often, at least not to the same extent. But I'm also a hopeless romantic, you know that, right?” He turned to Jan again.
“Yes. And?”
“And what we are doing here... I wanted to tell this to you before it's too late. I like you, and have loads of fun with you, and you are my best friend.”
“But?”
“But when we keep doing this, there is a chance that I will eventually fall for you one day.”
“Okay...” Jan sounded confused.
“But!” Bela raised his index finger. “I'm only telling this to you because I want you to know! And because it also makes it much easier for myself.”
“Well, erm, thank you? For telling me this.”
Bela smiled at the ceiling. He felt so much better now. He wasn't sure if he had already developed a minor crush on Jan. Could also be that it was nothing like that. Maybe he just was having so much fun with him that it got mixed up with all the other emotions. But he knew himself well enough to know that if it was going to happen, it would happen quicker than one would be able to say 'bat'.
“So”, Bela broke the silence, looking at Jan now. “Do you still need me?”
Jan smiled his shy smile but didn't say anything, quickly looking Bela in the eye before moving to stare at the rug and his feet. Bela lifted his torso up a bit so that he could get closer to Jan. Suddenly he felt the urge to kiss him again. Oh gosh. Had it already crossed the line between A Very Close Friend and A Crush? But he stopped midair because he realized he didn't even ask anything about Jan himself.
“Oh, sorry, What do you think? Is everything okay?” Bela asked.
“Yeah, don't worry”, Jan smiled and tilted his head meanwhile looking Bela in the eye. Out of an impulse, Bela sat up and slid himself down onto the floor too, now facing Jan, who was still looking at him, curiously. His eyes were reflecting the window behind Bela, and it made Bela think about the saying that eyes would be the window to one's soul.
“I'm so happy that we're friends!” Bela suddenly hugged Jan and made him laugh, joining the laughter himself as well.
“Me too!” Jan chuckled as Bela leaned back away from the hug.
Jan was still smiling when he turned his eyes back to Bela's once again. For Bela, something in his eyes looked... different. Still soft, but also different. In fact, he did not have to ponder that for too long, because Jan already had all the answers for him. Well yeah, Jan kissed him. Again. Jan who almost never kissed first, had now initiated the kiss for the second time in less than five days. So, I guess miracles do happen sometimes.
“Finally”, Bela chuckled.
“What?”
“Finally it was you who kissed me!” Bela poked his shoulder.
“What do you mean?” Jan looked confused. “Who else kisses you?”
“No one, you idiot”, Bela laughed. “I meant that finally you're starting to get comfortable giving kisses to me, and not always the other way around.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, 'oh'.” Bela looked at Jan.
Jan apologized.
“No no, it's alright”, Bela consoled him, smiling. “I understand, you're shy, and all that jazz. And I like it. That's why I found you so interesting at the club back in the day. It's pretty cute.”
Jan was slightly smiling but also blushing, happy about the fact that the room was relatively dark, he was looking at his feet again. “Stop it already...”
“What? You're a softie”, Bela smiled.
“Maybe but...”
“Yeah?”
“I don't know. I... I like you, and you're my best friend and... yeah, I like being around you. I'm doing good when I get to be around you.” Jan stared at his feet the whole time he talked.
“You stop it already, or I will actually fall for you! And I'm not joking now!” Bela tried to be serious, but couldn't resist grinning at the end of his sentence.
Whatever was the reason for Jan's words, they still made Bela feel a bit funny. And now he started to think about the whole incident from another perspective... what if it was not Bela who was in danger to develop a crush on Jan. What if it was Jan who had a crush on him? What if Bela was only reflecting what he could not see right in front of him? He was unable to shut up now, it was again time to tease Jan.
“Or”, Bela started with a cunning voice and grin.
“What?”
“Is Mister Urlaub already in love with Bela?” he winked his eye at Jan.
“What?” Jan looked at him as if he had gone totally nuts. “That's rubbish.”
“Is it really?” Bela continued to flirt. Yes, now he was again in control of the situation.
“I already explained it to you”, Jan looked serious, “It's completely platonic.”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I was just joking”, Bela squeezed Jan’s shoulder.
Bela yawned and climbed back onto his bed and started to change his everyday clothes to something that was much nicer to sleep in. All those numerous belts never felt that pleasing against one's spine.
“Should I go?” Jan pointed at the door.
“No, unless you want to”, Bela slipped himself under the blanket and was staring at Jan. Now if ever he did not want Jan to leave just yet. Jan remained where he was sitting.
“By the way”, Bela decided to change the topic. “What did you mean with 'I need you'?”
“Eh, I don't really know”, Jan scratched his neck. “I just was having a blast that day and didn't want it to stop yet.”
“Alright!” Bela nodded and smiled. “I know the feel, happens to me very often, too.”
“Yeah I have noticed.”
“What?” Bela gave a laugh.
“Oh, nothing”, Jan grinned.
Bela stared at him for a second and then talked again: “Anyway, if you want, you can lie here with me.” He tapped the bed and then hurried to add: “Totally platonically!”
Jan laughed. “Sounds good!”