Work Text:
Mu Qing stared at his computer.
An 89%.
That was Mu Qing’s current average in his math class.
And he thinks it’s unacceptable.
This class was the last math class that Mu Qing had to take in college, which he was eternally grateful for due to his absolute hatred for math. It wasn’t that he wasn’t trying, because he was, but he was falling short.
Admittedly, he probably would’ve benefitted from studying more for this test in particular (and the last one, which he also didn’t do very well on in his mind), but it wasn’t even that he didn’t understand the concepts, it was that he ran out of time.
The test itself was way too long for the allotted time that he and his classmates were given to take it in, and the majority of the class didn’t finish. Most of them were quite unhappy, but they would move on and keep going with their lives, as it was just one bad grade, and it would be fine.
Mu Qing, however, hadn’t gotten below an A in any class for his entire school career, and if he couldn’t get his average in the class up to at least a 90%, he was going to lose his mind. He had told himself after the last test that it was only the first test in the semester and that he was going to do better on the next one. But now the next one had happened, and he did worse.
He was absolutely beside himself as he sat there and his stare bored a hole through his computer screen. Sure, they were only halfway through the second semester and he did have time to redeem himself still, but what if the next test was the same? What if he felt just as prepared and studied, and still managed to do even worse?
He slammed shut his laptop and buried his face in his hands. He couldn’t let this bother him. Mu Qing always had carried an air of confidence and security in his academics, and even if he got a lower grade than he’d liked, he wouldn’t let it ruin his life and he’d move on. Or, so the people around him thought.
What would actually happen with these grades would be that Mu Qing would relentlessly beat himself up in his head and berate himself for being so stupid and careless and not having tried hard enough. “Why didn’t you study more? You know you should’ve spent more than an hour studying for this after what happened last time. Why do you never learn?”
These thoughts were constantly rattling around in his mind and it usually took a couple days for them to dissipate. Whenever this happened however, he kept a perfectly stoic and unbothered face, and never let anyone know just how disappointed in himself he really was. He had always somewhat feared failure, and so obviously having it slapped in his face (or what he considered failure, though he was nowhere near failing) hurt quite a bit.
Then, he felt the tears forming. No, he would absolutely not let himself cry over this. He was alone at least, so if he did, it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But this shouldn’t bother him this much, it’s fine. He’s fine.
>>--)--------->
An hour or so later, Feng Xin, his roommate who he so very much despised, knocked on his door and asked what he wanted for dinner.
Since he had shut his laptop, Mu Qing hadn’t done anything but stare off into space and let his own thoughts stab him repeatedly, over and over again.
He heard Feng Xin’s annoying voice and sighed loudly. “I don’t care. Just make whatever you want.”
The two roommates were on a schedule of who cooked or ordered in food each night, and Mu Qing was eternally grateful that it was Feng Xin’s turn that night.
Most nights however, Mu Qing at least had a small preference in what he wanted, so for him to say that he didn’t care surprised Feng Xin a bit. “Okay, fine.” he replied, and walked away from Mu Qing’s bedroom door. He guessed that Mu Qing was just busy.
He eventually decided to just get takeout from this one salad restaurant that they both liked a decent amount, and that way he also didn’t have to cook, which Feng Xin really didn’t feel like doing that day.
The food arrived about 30 minutes later, and Feng Xin casually yelled in the general direction of Mu Qing’s room that the food was there.
Mu Qing, who still had his face buried in his hands in his room, was not overly happy about the fact that he had to leave his private sanctuary, due to the fact that he and Feng Xin always ate together.
“I’m coming.” he quietly replied as he got up from his desk chair and made his way to the door. The second he opened it, he was blinded with all the lights of their kitchen and living area, as he had his lights turned off in his room and was just relying on the light streaming through the window, which wasn’t much due to the fact that it was raining outside. Plus, it was the evening now, so there was practically no light coming from outside.
Feng Xin glanced over from where he was taking their food out of the bag, and looked at Mu Qing with an odd expression. “You look like shit.”
And he was probably right, due to the fact that Mu Qing had been sitting curled up in his desk chair after running his hands through his hair multiple times in frustration, and had been aggressively rubbing his eyes for the past hour.
It was more of a surprise though because Feng Xin never saw Mu Qing as anything but entirely put together and composed, with an exceptionally blank stare, unwrinkled clothes, and perfect hair.
Mu Qing took this comment much more to heart than he should've, especially considering it was Feng Xin that said it to him, and they argued at least two times a day. But, considering the more fragile state he was in at the time, the only way he could think to respond was to snap.
“Well I’m sorry, let me go clean myself up so it doesn’t hurt your pretty eyes too much to look at me.” Venom seeped into his words as he spoke back to Feng Xin. Mu Qing was already hanging on by a thread, and Feng Xin had unknowingly just cut that thread.
Mu Qing rapidly turned around and went straight back into his room, and slammed the door shut behind him.
Feng Xin immediately knew something was wrong, because Mu Qing was never this bothered by his playful comments, and he usually just quickly came up with a comeback, which started a round of bickering between them. But that was normal, and they both somewhat enjoyed it.
This however, was definitely not normal, and Feng Xin knew that he should probably try and figure out what got Mu Qing to be this out of sorts before it got worse.
He put their food in the fridge to save for later and walked over to Mu Qing’s door, sighing. He tried the handle, but fully anticipated it to be locked, to which it was.
“Mu Qing, unlock the door.”
“Just go fucking eat without me.” Mu Qing had sunken to the floor of his room and wasn’t planning to leave for the rest of the night.
“No, open the door, Mu Qing, or I’ll just break it down myself.” Though he really didn’t want to seem concerned, he was really worried about Mu Qing and knew that something really bad (at least bad in Mu Qing’s mind) must have happened for him to be acting this strangely.
Feng Xin heard a loud sigh and then a click of the lock on the door. He immediately opened it, and was met with Mu Qing standing there staring at him from inside the dark room, with very slightly red-tinged eyes. Just as Mu Qing opened his mouth to say something, Feng Xin interrupted him.
“I don’t want to fucking fight you, just tell me what happened.”
Mu Qing stepped back slightly, and looked rather bewildered that Feng Xin had cared enough to ask what happened. He was also mildly surprised that Feng Xin even noticed that something was wrong, though anyone but himself would easily be able to tell that he was acting much differently than usual. He had secretly been longing for someone to just ask him what was wrong, but he never knew how he would respond if someone actually did. Of course he didn’t want to talk about it out loud, he would just end up feeling embarrassed and regret saying anything at all.
As he was thinking, he failed to realize that instead of giving Feng Xin some snarky response, he had just stood there silently staring straight into Feng Xin’s eyes.
And of course, he would never allow himself to actually voice his want for comfort. “Nothing’s wrong, I just have a lot of homework.”
Feng Xin, who did in fact happen to be in his right mind (unlike Mu Qing), leaned slightly over to peer behind Mu Qing at his desk, which was completely devoid of any of this so-called homework. Feng Xin only looked back at him and raised an eyebrow slightly, showing his suspicion.
This was exactly when he was expecting Mu Qing to just slam the door on him, as his hand was still holding the doorknob and he easily could just close it in the other’s face.
But Mu Qing just stood there, his eyes moving around to look at different things as he frantically attempted to come up with another excuse.
Feng Xin however, had been considering what could’ve been going on, and had been thinking over the events and assessments going on at the time. It almost immediately came to his mind that the test grades for his math test had come out a couple hours prior, and he just so happened to be in the same class as Mu Qing. He remembered how distressed the other looked after the test was over, even if it was only for a few seconds when he thought no one was looking.
Admittedly, Feng Xin hadn’t done great either, but no one in the class really had, so he was fine with it. He had studied and tried his best, so there was nothing he could do about it. And he had plenty of time to get his average back up, so he didn’t let it get to him.
Though Mu Qing never seemed bothered about grades, Feng Xin thought he’d give it a shot, and just see if maybe that was something that bothered his roommate, also considering that he knew how Mu Qing tended to cover up any emotion he felt for pretty much anything.
“You know, the grades for that ridiculous math test came out earlier,” he said bluntly, acting as if he was just attempting to change the subject.
The reaction he received was almost immediate.
Mu Qing’s eyes widened significantly before his gaze dropped to the floor and he broke his eye contact with Feng Xin. He didn’t know how to respond to that, considering anything that came out of his mouth would probably prove just how much it bothered him.
Feng Xin knew he had got the issue spot on, but didn’t really have much of a plan for what he was supposed to do after figuring out what was wrong. He wasn’t exactly known for having a very comforting presence, but he would try.
Mu Qing however was still just standing there in the doorway, his eyes widened and staring straight at the floor. He was so conflicted over what he was supposed to do, because there was no good and easy way out of the situation. Admitting that the test grade was actually part of the problem would only let Feng Xin know how pathetic he was to be bothered by such a thing, and denying it further would never convince the other man.
“Mu Qing?”
Out of options, he simply looked up at Feng Xin, and when he met the other’s eyes, something snapped in him.
When he met his eyes, Feng Xin was staring straight at him with more care and concern than he had ever seen anyone look at him with before. It was exactly what Mu Qing longed for, but also his greatest nightmare.
Someone saw him.
It was all he could do to start crying on the spot.
The tears came and he couldn’t do anything to stop them, because no matter how many times he tried to blink them away or push them back, they fell down his face anyways. He immediately looked down and started to move his hands to his eyes to wipe the tears away, but he wasn’t able to reach his face before the other stepped forward and wrapped him in what felt like one of the warmest hugs he had ever received.
Mu Qing froze, before wrapping his arms around Feng Xin, and grasping at the back of his shirt. Feng Xin placed a hand on the back of Mu Qing’s head and guided his face towards the crook of his neck.
Just this action alone caused Mu Qing to cry that much harder, as it showed so much care and concern and god forbid, love, and he simply couldn’t believe what was happening.
Feng Xin stayed silent for the most part, not wanting Mu Qing to feel like he was being pitied. He started to rub Mu Qing’s back with one hand, and kept his other hand tangled in the man’s long hair, making Mu Qing feel completely engulfed in his embrace.
They stayed like this for a few minutes before Feng Xin pulled back slightly, and looked at Mu Qing. “I know this is about more than just a test grade.”
Mu Qing looked down dejectedly. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s not though, is it.” Feng Xin tilted his head to the side slightly so that he was looking up at Mu Qing.
His face was still wet with tears and his expression appeared very uncomfortable. “It’s just bothering me more than it should. It’s fine.” But his continuous attempts to dismiss the question weren’t going to fool the other.
“Bullshit. Mu Qing, I don’t think you understand that it is very easy to tell it is not in fact fine. Plus, you probably didn’t even do that bad, and it’s only the start of the semester. You’ll be fine, this is like the second test grade we even have right now.”
“Feng Xin, I failed.”
Mu Qing, did not in fact, fail. He received an 81% on the test itself. But in his mind, that was practically failing. So of course it made him feel like the world was going to collapse in on itself. And the worst part was that now he just felt like crying again. God, he really is pathetic, isn’t he?
“I know for a fact that you didn't, so don't say that. This isn’t the end of the world, like I know you’re thinking, so just move on. You have plenty of time left, and you really need to recenter because otherwise you’re going to be distracted on the next test because you’re scared. You know I’m right.”
Mu Qing stood there, his stare boring a gaping hole in Feng Xin. Tears were gathering again, and he wiped them away. “How do you just… know all that?” He genuinely didn’t understand how Feng Xin practically read him like an open book, especially when no one else had ever been able to do so. He wasn’t complaining though, at least he didn’t have to explain it himself, which would be all that much more embarrassing.
“You underestimate just how much I notice. And really, I know that there’s a lot more to it than just the grade, but I’m not going to press anymore right now because I have a feeling that you’ve had enough of emotions for today.” Feng Xin stated in a genuine tone. He truly did care for the other, and paid a lot more attention to him than expected. He placed a hand on Mu Qing’s shoulder and rubbed it slightly with his thumb.
Mu Qing leaned into the touch unintentionally, and if he was feeling like his normal self, he would’ve mentally slapped himself. But right then, he just didn’t care anymore. “Yeah.”
It seemed like Mu Qing had calmed down a bit now, as both of them just stood in the doorway to his bedroom silently.
Feng Xin, being his usual blunt self, asked, “So, can we eat now?”
“Yes, you bitch.” Mu Qing said with an obligatory eye roll.
They grabbed their food and ate together as usual, though Mu Qing’s eyes were still red rimmed and Feng Xin still held an unusual air of concern. But, about 5 minutes into eating, they had already entered another one of their daily arguments.
But it was lighthearted, and neither of them were actually angry. Back to normal, they were indeed.