Chapter Text
The Good Cyborg Azura, champion of cyberspace, valiant defender of good against the forces of Trolls, Incels, and People Who Feel They’re Entitled to an Update to a Fanfic Despite the Fact That, You Know, Fanfic Writers Are People With Lives, jumped into the air and let her rocket powered shoes propel her up onto the cliff. Before her, the virus Gildervirus stood before her, wreathed in cyberspaceish evil and tenebrous darkness.
“Foolish child!” Gildervirus snarled. “I could corrupt every bit of your code!”
Azura posed dramatically. “Do not underestimate me, Gildervirus, for I am the Good Cyborg Azura, pacifist of war!” She posed even more dramatically than her first pose, which was very dramatic, and then dropped into a battle stance and summoned her laser bazooka from a cyberspaceian pocket. “NOW EAT THIS, SUCKER!”
The laser sliced into Gildervirus, who screamed in agony. “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe,” he said, despite the fact the laser had hit him in the vocal cords and he shouldn’t be able to speak at all. “Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain…TIME TO DIE!!!! Rosebud…”
“And that’s the end of my book report,” Amity said brightly as she directed a winning smile towards Principal Bump. She’d really been looking forward to the book report. It was a chance to show her dad he had made the right decision in deciding to fight for custody of Amity when he divorced Mom. Amity’s heart was cracking in two at the thought of the very thing she had thought might fix things just creating new problems.
Life hadn’t been particularly easy for Amity since the divorce. She’d come to realize that Mom had messed her up in a variety of fundamental ways. It turned out that ruthlessness and being spiteful to everyone in her path wasn’t a good way to make friends. The friends she thought she had turned out to be just her friends because their parents wanted them to be and they’d dropped her like a hot doomtato the second Mom was out of the picture. And she’d spent so much time stepping on the rest of the student body that none of them were willing to be her friend. Amity felt so alone now and it had been leading her to make some…unwise decisions.
“Your book report was not exactly a raging success, Amity,” Bump tried to say as gently as possible, but it was an exercise in futility because the words were like knives in her heart.
“DO WHAT THOU WILT SHALL BE THE WHOLE OF THE LAW!” a kindergartener yelled in the hallway behind them, firing shots from the laser rifle Amity had especially made for the presentation randomly into the air. He was flanked by a variety of other kindergarteners, some of who were firing their own blasters and others who were strewing spells everywhere.
“Oh, so that’s where the backup blasters went,” Amity said with a sheepish grin.
Dad groaned. “Amity, you know how tenuous my custody is of you right now. Your mother is just itching for an opportunity to regain control and when she does, I’ll never get it back. This behavior isn’t helping.” He leaned down so he was at Amity’s level. “Sweetie, I know you’re fascinated with science fiction and the Human Realm, but it’s getting out of hand. Do you remember the last couple times you were here?”
Memories of her sending a robotic doppelganger to her classes, of creating a disco robot who went berserk and started boogieing all over the school, and of presenting a toaster to her peers who all ran way screaming echoed through Amity’s brain. “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble…” she said weakly. “You’re always telling me to experiment and think outside the box.”
“Well, it seems you took my lessons a bit too well,” Dad said with a sigh.
Bump put a pamphlet on the desk for Reality Check Camp, which featured terrifying drawings of students being forced to fit inside a box. “Your mother wants to send you here, Amity. Now honestly, I hate Odalia. She’s always criticizing the muffins I bake for the PCA meetings. I put my blood, sweat, and tears into it! But apparently she’s allergic to my sweat! Not likely, says I! More like she’s just coming up with an excuse to torment me. I swear to the Titan, if I ever had a chance to meet that woman in a dark alley…”
Dad coughed. “Hieronymus.”
“Ah, yes, quite, thank you, Alador. As I was saying, we can sweep this incident under the rug. Probably. But this is the last straw, Amity. If you can’t learn to separate science fiction from science fact, you’re going to have to go to camp.”
Amity shuddered at the very thought. She picked up her backpack. “Don’t worry, Principal Bump! No more science fiction for me!” She tossed the backpack on the desk and the blaster rifle she’d kept within it went off and blasted a hole through Bump’s palisman.
“FREWIN!” Bump screamed. “SPEAK TO ME!” He ran away from the office at top speed.
“Oops?” Amity offered with a sheepish grin. Dad did a facepalm.
The good news was that Frewin was fine and it was just a flesh wound. That was the only good news. Bump had told Odalia about the book report incident and Amity was promptly sentenced to Reality Check Camp. Every single day that passed, Amity cursed herself for letting her creativity get out of hand. Amity had thought being bold and innovative would be a way to get friends, to show the world that, sure, she’d bullied the outcasts in the past but that was just water under the bridge now and she was just as much of an outcast as them! Turns out she was a lot more of an outcast than them.
All she wanted was one friend in the world. Was that too much to ask?
Apparently, it was, because the inexorable march of time led her to the transport worm stop near the old abandoned house close to the apartment Dad was renting. Dad may have gotten custody of his children, but Mom had kept the business and pretty much all the money. He worked three jobs to keep bread on the table and Amity hardly ever saw him unless he was complaining about her.
If only Amity could go to the Human Realm! It was supposed to be a paradise, a wonderland where machines, not magic, dominated existence. A utopia where robots and humans lived and worked side by side, where the power of science was enough to do anything. Cure the sick, end hunger, conquer death! Surely there would be some way for her to make a friend in the Human Realm. But it was just a pipe dream, Amity knew.
“Oh, Amity, it’s going to be fine,” Dad said unconvincingly. He probably didn’t even believe it himself. “You’ll be spending so much time learning about business and learning to appreciate public afradio that the days and weeks and months will just fly by…” He groaned. “Yeah, that doesn’t even sound convincing to myself. Look, Amity, just grin and bear it. Maybe you’ll make some friends there. After all, it’s probably full of people like you.”
“Thanks, dad,” Amity said caustically. She knew he meant well. Dad always meant well. He was fighting to give his all every step of the way. It’s just…despite his best efforts, it wasn’t always enough. “At least Ed and Em will be having fun this summer.”
“I know they’ll be missing you,” Dad said. Amity doubted it, but she liked the idea even if she didn’t believe it. “Look, I’ve got to get to work. Remember to send me a message on your scroll when you get there. I love you, Mittens.”
“Love you too, dad.”
Dad awkwardly shuffled away. Everything he did was awkward, really, but this was especially awkward. Well, if Amity was going to be deprived of science fiction, it was time to make a clean break. She tossed her copy of The Good Cyborg Azura into the nearest trash can and walked off. A few minutes later, she realized how dumb she was being. How in the Isles was she going to survive the next few months without her favorite book at hand?
But she couldn’t find the thing! Then she heard a beeping sound and let out a gasp. What appeared to be at first glance to be an owl had it in a bag attached to his beak. But this was no ordinary owl. This was a machine! A robot owl! And that meant only one thing…IT WAS FROM THE HUMAN REALM!
Amity quickly followed the robot through the door to the abandoned house. To heck with camp, Amity was going to go to the Human Realm and learn the ways of Engineering and Science! As soon as she stepped through the door, there was a blinding flash of light she found herself in what appeared to be a ramshackle shack, its shelves strewn with various detritus from across Bonesborough. A woman with very pale skin, gigantic red hair, and amber eyes stepped through the door and froze in her tracks when she saw Amity. But Amity was even more shocked.
The woman had round ears.
She was a human! Amity Blight had made her way into the Human Realm! And it was…a ramshackle shack so far. Well, that was a bit of a disappointment. But still. “What the heck are you doing here?” the woman asked. “Oh, I see. You must be one of those elves.”
Amity gasped at hearing a slur come out of this woman’s mouth. “Mind your manners, ma’am! I happen to be a witch!”
“A witch, eh?” the woman said contemplatively. She spun around and summoned the robot to the head of her staff. “Well, then, welcome to the Human Realm, kiddo. My daughter’s gonna be over the moon to meet a real live witch. She keeps on begging me to let her go on my stealing – uh, borrowing sprees in the Demon Realm.”
“I’m Amity Blight.”
The woman grinned. “Eda the Owl Lady at your service!” She looked contemplative. “You know, as it happens, I have need of someone with your…magical talents.”
Before Eda could say another word, there was a tremendous banging sound on the door of the shack and then it fell off its hinges and three robots who must have been police officers stormed into the room. Amity let out a squeal of excitement. The owl robot was one thing, but these robots were witchoid and maybe even sentient!
“Eda the Owl Lady,” one of them said in an electronic monotone. “You are under arrest for misuse of science and cyber misdemeanors.” Amity felt stars forming in her eyes. They even sounded just like they did in the Good Cyborg Azura audiobook! Then what the cops had said sank in. Amity had gotten the bad luck of jumping into the lair of a criminal! Ugh. Why couldn’t anything go right for her?
“Welp, time to skedaddle,” the Owl Lady announced. She pressed a button on a remote and the owl robot let out a sonic pulse which blasted the cops backwards and knocked them unconscious. Or…inoperable. Whatever. Or maybe it had killed them. Amity didn’t know and didn’t want to find out. Eda’s next move was to drag her out of the shack and then hop onto the roof. Amity reluctantly followed her.
Eda strapped Amity onto chairs on the top of the shack, which would have ordinarily alarmed her, but she was too amazed at her surroundings. Everything Amity had read about the Human Realm was true and then some. She was looking at a city that must have been ten times as big as Bonesborough. Even some of the more modest buildings in the city were twice as tall as the tallest building Amity had ever seen. Mechanized flying transport worms wove their way through the streets. Electricity, that most marvelous of phenomenon, was powering neon pink and cyan lights throughout the city.
It was everything Amity had dreamed about.
Eda pressed another button on the remote and the shack started flying into the air, powered by thrusters spewing fire. Eda drove the shack through the streets of the human city with expert skill. Technically. Actually, she drove like a total maniac, veering and twisting everywhere, but she didn’t hit anything, which did seem like it was the result of expert skill.
“Welcome to Gravesfield, boots,” Eda said. “Every weird anomaly you have in your realm probably came from here. Genetically engineered dinosaurs, xenomorphs, platypuses…”
“Platypuses?” Amity asked incredulously. Boscha had once had a platypus pet before she got bored with it and released it into the wild.
Eda shrugged. “Not much of a loss. They don’t do much, you know.”
The shack landed in front of a dilapidated building which looked like it was falling apart at the seams. “Welcome to the Owl House! It’s where I hide from the pressures of modern life. Also the cops. Also ex-boyfriends. And ex-girlfriends. And ex-enbyfriends. I was a player back in the day. But those days are gone. I’ve settled down. But don’t tell people. They’ll think I’ve gone soft and/or take her hostage to use against me.”
Eda knocked on the door, which turned out to be covered with a screen which displayed the picture of an owl. “Hi there! I’m the House Operator of the Year, but you can call me HOOTY! What’s your name?”
“I’m Amity,” Amity said with a shy wave.
“We don’t have time for this, HOOTY; the fuzz is on my tail!”
“Oh, I love fuzz!” HOOTY said. “Did I tell you this one time I saw a hairball back when Luz had a cat?”
The door suddenly swung open, revealing another human of around the same age as Eda, a kindly looking woman shorter than her with curly brown hair with more than a few streaks of grey. This must have been Eda’s wife, judging by the wedding ring she was wearing. Amity couldn’t help but let out a grin at seeing yet another one of the things she’d read about humans being true. “What have you done now, Eda?” Eda’s wife said, her hands on her hips.
Eda’s wife seemed to see Amity for the first time and a much more gentle countenance came on her face. “Well, hello, dear. I’m Camila Noceda, Eda’s wife. Don’t tell me. She lured you here and now she’s withholding your way home unless you get King’s ‘crown of power.’”
“What? No! That’s not what’s happening here!” She looked over at Eda nervously. “That’s not what’s happening here, is it?”
Eda laughed nervously. “Of course not,” she clearly lied. “That’d be wrong, Cammy. I couldn’t imagine why you’d ever think that of me.”
“Yes, what a truly baseless allegation that would be,” Camila said sarcastically. “So you’re from the Demon Realm, then?”
Amity opened her mouth to answer, but before she could, a missile slammed into her with enough force to knock her to the ground. It took a few seconds for her to realize that it hadn’t been a literal missile, but a third human. This human, however, was the same age as her…and the cutest girl Amity had ever seen in her life. She had short brown hair and eyes of the most wonderful chocolate brown and she had enough energy to probably power the whole city
“Hi, my name is Luz, would you like to be my friend?!”
Okay. Okay, this was the moment Amity had been waiting for. All she had to do was say something reasonably coherent. Some pithy comment. Or no! Something raw and emotional and genuine. The most important thing was to come up with something entirely platonic so Luz wouldn’t think Amity was some sort of pervert.
“You’re pretty,” Amity drawled with a dumb grin. “PRETTY NIFTY, I MEAN! Uh, I’m Amity! You’re…you’re friendly. Uh, us, friends. I mean…” Luz looked at her with quizzical politeness. By contrast, Eda and Camila shared an evil grin. Amity cleared her throat. “Yes, I’d like to be friends.”
Luz started jumping up and down on her feet. “Awesome! I don’t have any friends! Except mi hermano King and he doesn’t count because he’s my brother. Apparently I’m weird because I turn my eyelids inside out sometimes and I think griffins breathe spiders.”
“Griffins do breathe spiders, though.”
Luz pointed a finger at Camila’s face. “HAH! IN YOUR FACE, MAMI!” Camila gave a fond grin but also rolled her eyes. “Oh, this is going to be so neat! Are you staying with me?”
“No, Amity was just leaving, I’m sure,” Camila said briskly. Amity could not let that happen. She’d not only achieved her lifelong ambition but she’d also made friends with a beautiful girl. She would not return home just to go to camp. She could stay here for the summer! She was sure the camp probably wouldn’t even report her missing.
“I’d really like to stay here,” Amity said. “I want to learn how to do science! To build robots and nanotech. My world is filled with magic but it’s so boring. Everyone makes fun of me because I’m a fan of the Good Cyborg Azura!”
Luz let out a squeak of excitement. “You’re a fan of the Good Cyborg Azura?! I’ve never met an Azura fan before! Everyone makes fun of me for being a fan! They all say it’s cliched and childish and stupid.” She looked at the floor. “My papi liked it, though.”
Amity gave her best pleading eyes at Eda. “Can I stay? Please, please, please? I’ll be very good and help with chores you need around the house. You wouldn’t want to deprive both of us of the first ever friend we’ve ever had?”
“You can be friends without staying here,” Camila pointed out. “You can just visit through the portal. What about your parents? Won’t they miss you?”
“My dad sent me to camp,” Amity said sulkily. “If he really wanted me around, he wouldn’t have done that.”
Camila put a gentle hand on Amity’s shoulder. “I’m sure whatever happened, it was because he loved you, honey. Is your home environment not suitable for you?”
“It’s…suitable,” Amity said reluctantly. As much as she hated the fact her dad was rarely around and lavished a lot of attention on the twins, she would not go so far as to say it was an unsuitable environment. Not in the sense that it was abusive, anyway. “But I want to stay here anyway! Just for the summer while I’m at camp! It’s an awful place. Here!”
She gave the brochure, which she still had in her backpack for some reason to the two of them. They did not look impressed with the camp. “I would not send Luz here,” Camila conceded. “Still, your father would no doubt miss you and I can’t condone what would technically be kidnapping. If you could persuade him to let you stay here for the summer, I would be agreeable.”
Amity knew the chances of Dad letting her spend the summer in a whole other dimension were slim to none, but it wasn’t as if she had another option if she wanted to do it. So she took out her scroll and started composing a message.
“Have you seen your brother anywhere, lucecita?” Camila asked Luz.
“Oh, he went to storm the Conformatorium to get back his crown of power. I did mention that, didn’t I?”