Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Your name is Dave Strider. You’ve been stuck on this meteor for so long you can’t even remember when you first lost track of time. Oh, and your best bro’s sat perfectly between your legs, eyes transfixed on the credits rolling on your TV.

The two of you just finished watching the troll version of Simon Sez. Somehow the film managed to be even worse than the normal version, which is more than you EVER could have asked for. Even Karkat thought this movie was terrible, which says a lot considering he has possibly the most abysmal taste in movies ever known to man or troll. Actually, John might have him beat on that front. You shudder at the thought of having to do a movie marathon with the two of them. It’s only inevitable at this point. Might as well tuck some of your braincells into bed and give them a sweet kiss good night while you can, since the sheer amount of Nic Cage you’ll be trapped into enduring will kill them off one by one anyways.

After the credits end, you and Karkat are still sitting in silence, curled up next to each other. You’re also holding hands, but that’s pretty normal for the two of you at this point. If another pair of dudes did this they’d definitely look like two gay dudes winding up for a particularly homo sleepover, but eh, who cares? Not you, that’s for sure. Karkat on the other hand… seems to be bothered by something. You figure it has to do with the utter garbage caught on film that he subjected you guys to tonight, but he’s got a weird look in his eyes. You don’t wanna bring it up right now, it’s already getting kind of late, but then Karkat says:

KARKAT: DAVE.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: karkat?
KARKAT: WHAT ARE WE EVEN DOING RIGHT NOW?
DAVE: idk about you
DAVE: but im chilling with bestest bro morail style
DAVE: so chill its a wonder we havent gotten a lethal case of space frostbite and lost some fingers n shit
DAVE: these might be our last moments together as we speak
KARKAT: STOP AVOIDING THE FUCKING QUESTION.
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU GARGANTUAN DIPSHIT.
DAVE: look kk i really dont know what you mean
DAVE: im about as aware as helen keller at the annual sights and sounds convention
DAVE: wait do yall have troll helen keller? itd be kinda fucked up i-
KARKAT: OF COURSE WE DO YOU IGNORANT BULGEMUNCHER.
KARKAT: SHE’S PRACTICALLY THE CREATOR OF SECOND WAVE TROLL FEMINISM!
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: did she have to smell and lick shit like terezi?
KARKAT: SHE DID, YES.
KARKAT: AARGHSHARGG!!!
KARKAT: QUIT CHANGING THE CONVERSATION TOPIC BEFORE I LAUNCH YOU INTO THE COLD DEPTHS OF PARADOX SPACE AND YOU *ACTUALLY* FUCKING DIE OF HUMAN HYPOTHERMIA!
DAVE: okay jegus
DAVE: heh
DAVE: jegus
DAVE: say what you need to say dude im all ears
DAVE: im all ears, hands, knee-
KARKAT: WHAT ARE WE?

The question stops you dead in your tracks. Normally, only characters in teen dramas of questionable quality ask that sort of thing, but here’s your best bro saying directly it to you. Suddenly the silence of the room is tense and suffocating.

DAVE: uh
DAVE: were moirails right?
DAVE: like super grey best buds?
KARKAT: THEN WE ARE SITTING LIKE THIS?
DAVE: like what?
KARKAT: YOU FUCKING PEBBLE BRAINED MORON.
KARKAT: YOU’VE BEEN HOLDING ME LIKE I’M A NEWLY HATCHED GRUB FOR AT LEAST AN HOUR!
KARKAT: AND NOW WE’RE HOLDING HANDS LIKE WE’RE IN FUCKING 13 GOING ON 30 SWEEPS DESPITE HOW MANY TIMES YOU SAY YOU HATE THAT PIECE OF PURE UNADULTERATED HUMAN PERFECTION.
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: does that bother you?
DAVE: the hand holding not the movie
DAVE: i can stop
DAVE: like right now actually

Before Karkat can even respond, you float to the other side of the couch, putting a more than healthy distance between the you two now.

Oh god, you seriously fucked up, despite not knowing what’s even going on. The stress immediately begins to run through your body. You’re totally not gripping the couch cushion too, like you’re speeding down Splash Mountain with no seatbelt. Dave Strider is too cool for that.

KARKAT: NO IT DOESN’T FUCKING BOTHER ME.
KARKAT: *YOU* BOTHER ME!
DAVE: wait dude im not trying to do anything i promise
DAVE: what did i do?
DAVE: like seriously please tell me
DAVE: im just lost on how we got here
KARKAT: UGGHHHH.
KARKAT: YOU ARE SO DENSE SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP OFF MY SKIN AND THEN KEEP RIPPING UP THE BLOODY MANGLED GNARLY PIECES UNTIL I CAN PUT THEM IN A PERFECTLY FUCKING SHREDDED PILE.
DAVE: still not an answer dude
KARKAT: WHY DO YOU KEEP ACTING SO FLUSHED TOWARDS ME?
DAVE: huh?

Acting… flushed? As in romantic? Why would Karkat ever think that about the two of you? Sure, you guys are a little closer than most dudebros you can think of, but it’s just because you’re more in touch with your feminine side lately. Absolutely nothing gay going on here. Well maybe this is a little gay, but you’re not gay, and Karkat already knows that. Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. You love gay people! You’re just decidedly not a gay person.

KARKAT: I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOU HUMANS AT ALL.
KARKAT: IS WHAT WE’RE DOING *NOT* RED ROM?
KARKAT: I DON’T EXACTLY SEE YOU CURLED UP BEHIND ROSE LIKE YOU ARE WITH ME
DAVE: dude thats my sister
DAVE: we cant just cuddle n shit thats weird
DAVE: but uh
DAVE: wait do you seriously think this is romantic?
DAVE: i thought this was normal moirail stuff
KARKAT: OF COURSE I THINK IT’S ROMANTIC!
KARKAT: WE SPEND EVERY DAY TOGETHER, HOLD HANDS, CUDDLE LIKE TWO HOOFBEASTS DYING IN A FREEZE AND- AND-
KARKAT: WHAT ABOUT THAT TIME WE WATCHED GHOST RIDER AND YOUR BULGE WAS POKING-
DAVE: dude stop
DAVE: i said i was sorry
DAVE: you know i cant just control that stuff
KARKAT: NO, I’M NOT GONNA FUCKING STOP CAUSE YOU’RE PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF!
KARKAT: WHATS YOUR FUCKING ISSUE? DO YOU PLAN ON JUST LEADING ME ON TILL I’M FUCKING MISERABLE?
KARKAT: OR WERE YOU PLANNING ON DITCHING ME ONCE I CAUGHT ON?
DAVE: …
DAVE: …
DAVE: karkat i told you im straight, i thought you-
KARKAT: WELL ACCORDING TO ROSE YOU DON’T EXACTLY ACT LIKE A “HETEROSEXUAL” HUMAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT TO CALL IT.

What?

DAVE: wait
DAVE: you seriously talked to rose about this?
DAVE: dude what the fuck!!!
DAVE: thats like
DAVE: a total fucking violation of bro code to the highest degree
DAVE: the first thing written on top of declaration of bro-pendence!!!!!
DAVE: WELL DO YOU SEE ANY TROLL THERAPISTS WHO SPECIALIZE IN END OF THE WORLD DESTRUCTION AROUND HERE??
DAVE: dude im being serious! that really fucking pisses me off!
DAVE: why didnt you just talk to me about this?? like what the hell is wrong with you?!?!?
DAVE: now rose is gonna fucking stroke her ego and try to therapize me again
DAVE: how much did you tell her?
KARKAT: I DIDN’T TELL HER ABOUT YOUR BULGE OR WHATEVER SINCE THATS ALL YOU FUCKING CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
DAVE: bro thats not what this is about!
DAVE: well actually it kinda is
DAVE: but dude this is about privacy i thought you wouldnt just-
KARKAT: JUST WHAT?
KARKAT: GOD FORBID I EXPOSE YOU FOR STUFF YOUVE DONE INFRONT OF EVERYONE ON THIS METEOR
DAVE: no dude
DAVE: you know what never fucking mind i guess
DAVE: …
KARKAT: …
DAVE: …
DAVE: …its just that i enjoy being alone with you n being bros without having to worry about what anyone else thinks
DAVE: humans are different man
DAVE: guys arent usually allowed to like
DAVE: talk about their feelings and be close to each other like we are
KARKAT: SO I’M YOUR LITTLE SQUEAKBEAST YOU USE TO FIGURE OUT YOUR WEIRD HUMAN BULLSHIT HANGUPS?
KARKAT: AND UNTIL YOU FIGURE THEM OUT, I’M SUPPOSED TO DO FUCK ALL AND HAVE NO OPINIONS ON THIS?
KARKAT: HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL?
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: well when you put it like that i sound like the asshole
DAVE: damn im sorry dude i didnt mean to
DAVE: uh
KARKAT: TO WHAT? SAY IT.
DAVE: …
DAVE: be an asshole i guess
DAVE: i wasnt exactly rubbing my hands together and twirling my non existent mustache before all of this
DAVE: you see a damsel in distress tied to a train track or anything?

You’re trying to form a coherent apology, but things are moving too fast for you to even process or properly react anymore. The quiet atmosphere of your room becomes oppressive and isolating with each second. You stand up to try to catch your breath, then take a few steps away from your couch. At this point Karkat is behind you, and you’re glad. Dave Strider’s typical cool guy poker face has been replaced with visible confusion and stress. After enough awkward silence to last a lifetime, Karkat walks over, making you both face each other. He looks worse than you somehow, with little red tears starting to form in his ear eyes, and make their way down his face. Karkat hates crying, so this already serious situation is quickly turning into a major friendship crisis before you can even process what the fuck is going on.

KARKAT: UGHHHHHH.
KARKAT: DUDE WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?
DAVE: idk man
DAVE: you tell me
DAVE: cause 5 minutes ago i was cuddling with my best bud dj crabapple
DAVE: and now youre crying?
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!!

Oh shit. You shouldn’t have pointed that out, and you know it. Fuck. Fuck. Shit. Fucking shitty fuck.

DAVE: karkat dont do this please
KARKAT: NO, FUCK YOU THIS IS JUST SOME LITTLE GAME FOR YOU HUH?
DAVE: dude stop
DAVE: you dont mean that
KARKAT: STOP TELLING ME HOW TO FUCKING FEEL!
DAVE: okay jesus christ
DAVE: im sorry you feel like this
KARKAT: THAT’S IT I’M DONE!
KARKAT: YOU CAN TAKE THAT NON-APOLOGY AND SHOVE IT SO FAR UP YOUR SPINAL CREVICE THAT IT COMES OUT THE OTHER END! AND THEN REPEAT THE PROCESS OVER AND OVER AGAIN UNTIL YOU EVENTUALLY DIE AN EMBARRASSING DEATH WHEN THE ECOLI REACHES YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE!!!
DAVE: wait karkat im just trying to understand-

Before you can even finish your sentence, Karkat is already storming out of the room, slamming the door, and yelling more obscenities down the hallway.

What the fuck did you do? You finally have a friend in this shitty death trap you have to call home, and you ruin it by holding his hand during a moronic, albeit entertaining, Nic Cage movie? Was it even worth it???

You stand there, unmoving and alone. By the time you can even fully process everything that was said, you’re rushing over to your laptop, and pestering Rose to see what the hell was even said between them.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: dude what the fuck did karkat say to you

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: I’m not exactly sure what you mean? I have plenty of conversations with everyone on this meteor.
TG: rose stop with the coy psuedo intellectual bullshit for once
TG: im being serious
TG: karkat is mad at me
TG: its stressing me out
TT: Oh?
TT: Did you two get entangled into some sort of dispute?
TG: kinda yeah
TG: actually it was pretty bad
TT: I’m sorry to hear that.
TT: May I ask what it was pertaining to?
TG: honestly
TG: i dont even know
TG: it happened so fast
TG: i think its a quadrant thing cause now karkats acting like i fucking poisoned his water supply or something
TT: I see.
TT: Forgive me for prying into your personal relationships, but do you have even the slightest idea why he might feel that way?
TG: you fuckin tell me
TG: he talked to you about it first
TT: I don’t know what Karkat told you about our conversation, but I sense you’re making too much of it.
TT: Karkat simply asked me about the differences between moiraillegence and human companionship.
TT: Or “best bros” as you would probably call it.
TG: well thats not what he said
TT: Then let me finish.
TT: After that we discussed facilitating between red and grey companionship.
TT: At the expense of sounding too presumptuous, he very obviously was referring to the relations the two of you share.
TG: and then you called me a flaming homo?
TT: That’s not the word choice I used.
TT: I simply stated that your relationship was not typical of the male human friendships I’ve been exposed to.
TG: oh so you only IMPLIED im a flaming homo for my best friend directly to his face
TG: wow that makes me feel so much better
TG: thanks rose
TT: For what it’s worth, I would have said this directly to your face as well. That is, if you weren’t so bothered by the implications.
TG: dude i dont care if you think im gay thats not what this is about
TT: Then what IS this about exactly?
TG:
TG: i dont fucking know anymore
TT: May I give you my “coy and pseudo-intellectual bullshit” now?
TG: fine
TG: what is it
TT: To put it simply, I think Karkat is troubled with your relationship because you’re sending him mixed signals.
TG: how?
TG: i already told him im straight
TT: Are you being intentionally obtuse? We’ve all seen you two giggling and holding hands in our common areas.
TT: You don’t exactly give the “heterosexual vibe” when you’re with one another.
TG: oh so just cause i hold my best bros hand means i like taking it up my asshole?
TG: wow rose youre the first homophobic lesbian ive ever met
TT: I believe I’m the *only* lesbian you’ve ever met, but that’s aside from the point I’m making.
TT: You can act oblivious all you want, but you and I both know that you treat Karkat differently than your typical male friends.
TT: For example, would you ever be in such a close proximity with John?
TG: nah but like
TG: karkats my moirail its different
TT: I don’t claim to be an expert on troll quadrants, but I’m almost positive you can be moirails without the current level of intimacy or proximity you two share.
TT: In fact, I believe that is the most common relationship between two moirails.
TT: Is Karkat asking you to do these things, or do you do them of your own accord?
TG: i mean the hand holding and cuddling was my idea yeah
TG: but karkat was chill with it
TG: honestly he looked like maximum levels of chill every time
TT: Dave.
TT: Are you seriously deluding yourself into thinking this is a normal level of friendship?
TG: i mean
TG: kinda yeah
TG: hes an alien stuffs different over there
TT: I hate to inform you of this, but “stuff” was not that different in Alternia. If anything, trolls are way less intimate, and typically inclined to minimal forms of physical contact.
TT: Quite honestly, you sound like you’re in denial of the true nature of your moiraillegence, among many other things.
TG: okay so we act a little gay who cares
TG: how do i make this right with him?
TG: i just want stuff to go back to normal
TT: By normal, do you mean things as they were previously, with no alternatives?
TG: yeah no shit rose
TT: I’ll let you decide this for yourself, but maybe you should put some heavy thought into why you enjoy seemingly romantic activities with Karkat?
TT: I’m sure things can return to how they were with enough time and space, but you shouldn’t let that happen at the expense of Karkat’s emotional well being.
TG: damn
TG: youre right
TG: i still dont know what to do or say though
TG: “hey karkat i have a bunch of weird human baggage. wanna hold hands again?”
TT: I think an apology would be a good place to start.
TT: “Hey Karkat, I’m sorry I was accidentally being a huge fucking asshole. Your feelings are important to me. How can fix it?”
TT: Or whatever convoluted way you would decide to word it.
TT: I would also add in something about communication and setting boundaries, but that might be “too gay” for you at the moment.
TG: god i hate when youre right
TG: do you think karkat hates me?
TT: No, he’s just emotional, and dealing with all the trauma and guilt from his friends dying, while trying to navigate this “game” we’ve all been subjected to.
TT: I’m sure you can relate somewhat.
TG: okay fine you win
TG: ill accept defeat
TG: rose lalonde is officially the correctest woman in existence and totally owned her fruity limp wristed brother (NOT CLICKBAIT)
TT: I know that was hard for you to admit, so I’ll spare you of my typical “I told you so” shenanigans just this one time.
TT: If I’m being honest Dave, there’s a very easy solution in front of you, but it’s your choice if you want to take it.
TT: No one here is going crucify you for holding Karkat’s hand.
TT: Quite honestly, I don’t think anyone thinks much of it, aside from being happy for the two of you.
TT: It appears, you both have been in higher spirits since you’ve grown close. Correct?
TG: rose stop telling me what i need to hear its making my brain hurt
TG: i can hear that shit super sonic level vibrating in my skull as we speak
TT: Well it’s getting quite late, I think I’ll be retiring for the evening.
TT: I suggest you get some rest as well, it sounds like you’ve had an immensely stressful night.
TG: yeah yeah
TG: can i ask one last question?
TT: Shoot.
TG: karkat didnt tell you about the ghost rider incident right?
TT: The what?
TG: okay perfect pretend we never had this conversation bye
TT: Oh I will DEFINITELY make you elaborate on this some day!
TG: sorry cant read that message too busy sleeping
TG: zzzzzzz
TG: zzzzzzz
TG: honk shoo honk shooo
TG: mimimimimi
TT: Good night Dave. I hope everything works out.
TG: k thanks bye

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist tentacleTherapist [TT]

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead turntechGodhead [TG]

Chapter Text

So maybe you stayed up for countless hours thinking about everything that could go wrong next time you see Karkat. What if he’s still mad and upset? What if he doesn’t want to hangout anymore? What if he tells everyone what happened, and they think you’re some manipulative asshole too? Karkat would never do that though.

Right?

Eventually some combination of breathing rituals and exhaustion made you knock out cold. Yeah, breathing rituals. Not like hyperventilating or anything. Only people who suffer from mental illness do that, and your mental health is top notch, obviously. These are just the same breaths you’d take after getting your ass handed to you by Bro. Totally normal stuff. Everyone does it. You might’ve shed a few tears, but it’s definitely just cause your eyes water when you get really tired. Striders aren’t supposed emotional that easily, why start now?

Speaking of now, you’re still laying in bed, waking back up, and not really sure what to do. Usually you make your way over to Can Town when you wake up, but you’re gonna raincheck those plans today. Wouldn’t wanna step all over your bro’s sweet sweet can time if he’s already with the Mayor. You already ruined his night, no need to ruin his morning too. Or uh, afternoon? You’re still not awake enough to tell, or even care for that matter.

The last thing you want to do is to stay in your room spiraling again like last night. So, if not Karkat, then who else is there to hang with? Rose is off the table, too much prying and therapeutic bullshit is gonna come out of that. Last night was nice, but two nights in a row is just too much. Terezi is an immediate no. Even if you could open up to her about stuff like this, which is extremely unlikely, Karkat might actually kill you if you talked about quadrant stuff with her. More specifically, HIS quadrant stuff. A true Strider would never break bro code like that, even in these trying times.

So that leaves… two murderous aliens, and your sister’s girlfriend, who’s also an alien, and definitely could murder you if she wanted to. Fuck. You’re still not quite sure what Gamzee even looks like, but you figure the whole murderous juggalo covered in blood thing would just freak you the fuck out. Vriska is…. Vriska. Even if you could survive a five minute conversation with her, she’d totally rat you out to Terezi. So no dice there. Guess that leaves… Kanaya?

Kanaya isn’t exactly a stranger. A few years stuck in space limbo together has definitely made you grow close, but there’s a giant roadblock standing in your way. Rose. It’s hard to not find the two of them practically glued at the hip, and you can’t exactly blame them. If your crush was conveniently stuck in a 3 year space prison with you, you’d probably be doing the same fucking thing. Kinda like how you are with Karkat, but that’s totally different.

So uh, hang out with Kanaya, without Rose? Yeah that’s not happening. You ball your fists on your forehead, and let out a groan so loud you might as well be yelling.

Is procrastinating seeing Karkat even worth it at this point? It’s hard to tell.

TT: I’ll let you decide this for yourself, but maybe you should put some heavy thought into why you enjoy seemingly romantic activities with Karkat?

Is that why Karkat feels like he was being led on? The gay stuff? You thought telling him you weren’t into dudes would get the point across. Is that not enough? Then again, if some dude told you he was straight, and then held your hand while watching alien romance movies, you’d probably doubt him too. And Karkat knows you don’t even like his shitty taste in movies. Fuck. Rose is probably onto something. Your apology sucked and you know it.

So… all you gotta do is say sorry. It can’t be that hard, right?

The old Dave would never swallow his pride or admit he was wrong. But like, normally you just had to apologize for being late to a meeting, or roasting John a little too hard. Now current Dave is in the apology trenches, with a metaphorical case of trench foot rendering him actually incapable of movement. You let out another groan, this time with your fingers gripping into your hair.

Why couldn’t you just NOT act gay in front of Karkat???

Before you can answer your own rhetorical question like a total jackass, you hear a light knock on the door. It’s definitely not Vriska or Karkat, they’re incapable of not banging on any door before entering a room. No one else has ever knocked on your door after all these years, except for… Terezi? Did you miss a meeting today? No one told you one was coming.

There’s another round of knocks echoing through your room, this time with a more firm hand. You throw some pants on, curious as to who the fuck this could be. Terezi totally would’ve barged in at this point, for better… or for worse. Actually, definitely for worse. So, you open the door and it’s none other than…

Kanaya?

KANAYA: Dave? Is Everything Adequate In Your Quarters?
KANAYA: I Heard You Let Out Quite The Wail From Down The Hall.
DAVE: oh hey wassup haha
DAVE: everythings going great in casa del strider
DAVE: smooth sailing in this bitch
DAVE: sorry about that

Before you even realize it, Kanaya’s giving you a look that pierces straight through you. Damn. Gay through you too. She knows you’re full of shit, and you know it too. You concede.

DAVE: look
DAVE: i uh
DAVE: im just not feeling good okay?
DAVE: nothing deeper than that
KANAYA: For Your Sake, We Can Both Pretend As Though That Is The Case.
KANAYA: I Came Because Everyone Wants To Assemble For An Impromptu Meeting, And Your Presence Has Been Requested.
DAVE: by who?
DAVE: lemme guess
DAVE: does her name rhyme with briska?
KANAYA: My Sources Would Like To Remain Anonymous.
DAVE: tell your sources to kiss my ass
KANAYA: I Will Not Be Repeating That Exact Verbiage.
KANAYA: But I Understand, You Seem To Be In Quite The Sorry State.
DAVE: ouch
DAVE: i am wounded

You feign an act of offense by clutching your chest, despite not having a fucking spec of energy to give a convincing performance. Kanaya doesn’t even pretend there’s a part of her that believes your usual bullshit ironic shenanigans.

KANAYA: Well, If You Intend To Waste Away In Here, I Will Leave You Be.
DAVE: damn i was gonna get up anyways man
DAVE: fuck going to that meeting though
DAVE: is uh
DAVE: karkat going?
KANAYA: Yes, Though He Appeared To Be As Thrilled About The Idea As You Are.

Every muscle in your face is fighting to keep your typical cool guy poker face going.

DAVE: oh
DAVE: thats cool
KANAYA: Dave, Are You Sure You Are Doing Alright?
KANAYA: Quite Honestly, You Are Beginning To Appear Like You Might Vomit.

Fuck. Shit. Fucking shit. Mission Failed. At this point words start flying out of your mouth faster than you can think them.

DAVE: haha
DAVE: yeah im doing pretty bad
DAVE: karkat is fucking pissed at me
DAVE: and honestly i dont blame him
DAVE: im scared and im stressed cause like
DAVE: hes my best friend like were closer than friends i would do anything for him
DAVE: and now hes mad me and probably will hate me forever

You look away once you realize everything you just said. When did you become such a fucking pussy? Your face starts turning hot, and you can feel yourself starting to tense up from head to toe again.

KANAYA: Dave.
KANAYA: May I Offer You A Piece Of Advice?
DAVE: …
DAVE: sure
KANAYA: I Don’t Understand What Happened Between You Two, But I’m Getting The Sense That You Might Be Catastrophizing In The Slightest.
KANAYA: Simply Put, Why Would Karkat Have Any Reason To Harbor Hatred Towards You?
DAVE: i fucked up bad
DAVE: i think he thinks i like him or something
DAVE: but i dont like dudes
DAVE: buuut i guess ive been treading well past bro territory with him
DAVE: maybe even an olympic dash past bro territory
DAVE: ran so far past bro territory, people dont even speak the native bro language anymore, and i have to use a shitty translator app to order myself a goddamn burger hold the pickles
KANAYA: I See.
KANAYA: So The Two Of You Are Having Difficulties, Due To The Differences Of Our Respective Planets’ Cultures? Or Am I Misinterpreting Your Situation?
DAVE: see thats what i thought too
DAVE: but i think moirails and best bros are kinda the same thing so
DAVE: so…
KANAYA: So?
DAVE: i dont fucking know man
DAVE: thats why im stressing right now
KANAYA: Can I Ask A Question That May Come Across As Offensive?
DAVE: sure
KANAYA: If You Are So Attached To Doing Red Activities With Your Moirail, Who Is A Man, Like Yourself, How Does That Not Contradict With The Notion Of Your Heterosexuality? I Am Curious.
KANAYA: Is There Some Cultural Aspect Of This That Is Lost On Me?
DAVE: oh uh
DAVE: well
DAVE: i mean humans do intimate stuff without romance all the time
DAVE: some people can totally just kiss and even all go past third base with their friends
DAVE: no problem at all
KANAYA: Right, But Those Humans Still Typically Kiss People Within Their Sexuality’s Guidelines, Correct?
DAVE: nah its totally normal to kiss babies kids and stuff too
DAVE: long as youre not a total stranger thats some michael jackson type shit
DAVE: unless troll michael jackson was a nice guy
DAVE: oh my bad
DAVE: mikael jakson? is that how you guys would pronounce it?
DAVE: I Have Never Heard Of Whomever You Are Attempting At Referring To, Troll Or Not.
DAVE: wait thats objectively fucking hilarious
DAVE: lets just say he was a… smooth criminal
KANAYA: I Can Only Assume That Joke Is In Poor Taste, So I Will Be Moving On.
DAVE: fair
KANAYA: I Still Don’t Understand How Kissing Humans That Are Still In The “Grub” Phase Of Their Lifespan Correlates To Your Moiraillegence.
KANAYA: You Are Aware That All Of Us Are Not That Far Apart Within Age, Despite Our Planetary Differences, Correct?
DAVE: yeah but you can still have people you consider family at any age
KANAYA: Dave, Even I Am Aware Human Family Members Don’t Engage In Activities Resembling The Ones You Partake In With Karkat.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: but
DAVE: idk man its just different with him!
KANAYA: Well, I Will Not Tell You How To Live Your Life.
KANAYA: But I Will Go Against My Better Judgment, And Tell You That Karkat Is Not Seething With Hatred Towards You Like You Seem To Be Anticipating.
KANAYA: I Cannot Say Anything Else In Regards To Your Situation Though, And Quite Honestly, I Should Be Leaving To Attend This Meeting Right Now.
DAVE: oh i wont hold you up then
DAVE: thanks for telling me that tho
DAVE: that makes me feel a lot better actually
KANAYA: I Am Glad.
KANAYA: Be Sure To Take Care Of Yourself.
KANAYA: You Look Quite… Rough.
KANAYA: okay okay i get it
DAVE: ill probably eat something while yall are in that meeting
DAVE: i kinda need to be alone for a minute
KANAYA: That Is Very Understandable, I Wish You Nothing But The Best.
DAVE: Also, I Believe Your Pants Have Been On Backwards This Whole Time!
DAVE: Anyways, Goodbye!

You look down, and immediately bust out laughing. The smugness on Kanaya’s face is only met with a firm middle finger during your fit of laughter, and eventually a farewell wave as she starts making her way back down the hall. Despite her poised and elegant personality, she still enjoys troll tendencies just like the rest of her companions. It’s a miracle you and Rose were already well aquatinted with the art of sarcasm, or else you two would have spent these past years getting steamrolled with verbal wit.

It takes you a minute to stop laughing, but you’re not quite sure why. Sure pants are a little funny, but not that funny. You decide to just lean into it. This is your first moment free from anxiety ever since your argument with Karkat. Speaking of, once you have a second to catch your breath, you immediately walk inside to shoot your moirail a message from your laptop:

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: hey can we talk later tonight?
TG: in person
TG: dude im sorry please just hear me out
TG: i know youre in a lame ass meeting right now but i can come over after

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Well, you hate eating when you’re stressed out. It’s borderline impossible for you, but that’s about all you can do to get your mind off things right now. So you go ahead and shut your laptop, fix your pants situation, and head to the kitchen for some shitty troll Pop-Tarts, cause you’re way too lazy to even try heating something up right now.

Chapter Text

Breakfast is shit, as per usual, but your food was vastly improved by not having to deal with insults being hurled across the place like the world’s shittiest game of dodgeball. Every time Vriska and Karkat are in the same room, you learn some of the most vibrant ways to call someone a bitch or an asshole. You’re not exactly an innocent lamb baring witness to the slaughter though. You regularly enjoy interjecting with your hilarious quips and insights, not that anyone else seems to have an appreciation for your exquisite sense of humor. Well, except for Terezi, who also adds gas to the already well lit fire. And then eventually, some combination of you, Kanaya, or Rose pull the two rabid trolls apart, depending on who’s the most willing to get scratched up like a goddamn cat post in an animal shelter that day. You’d probably get annoyed by it more if you didn’t find Karkat’s rage induced antics absolutely hilarious.

Today however, it’s totally silent. You meagerly take two more bites of the food in front of you, but it’s doubtful you’ll even be able to make a serious dent in your “meal”. You’re still glad you can eat alone this one time though. Turns out, having no interruptions is pretty nice, but you can’t help but miss the presence of one particular person…

Stop it.

You don’t have anymore time to think about that shit right now. The whole point of this was to feel better, and you do, despite the low quality food offerings you’re digesting at the moment.

First thing you’re doing in the new world is building a Whataburger, the absolute pinnacle of Texas culture. A quiet life flipping burgers sounds irresistible right now. Getting home from a long day at work after you concocted the perfect special sauce recipe, only for Karkat to be on the couch with two ice cold brewskis ready for the two-

Karkat?

Most guys usually fantasize about their future stay at home wife handing them a cold one, not their best bro. You decide to not unpack that, as you’ve done more deep soul searching than a man and his bowl of Alternian cereal can handle today. Instead, you dump the majority of the “cereal” out, and toss your empty bowl in the trash, completely aware that you need to alchemize more bullshit later. Whatever. You’ll just put up with being chastised by Vriska or Rose at some point instead.

Once the bowl is disposed of, you start making your way back to your room fast as fuck, trying to not look like total dweeb. The last thing you need is to run into anyone while looking like McLovin attempting the Fitness Gram Pacer Test. Luckily, some sort of conversation’s still happening when you pass the occupied meeting room, using your Fast And Furious level floating skills to avoid detection.

Hold it Vin Diesel. As you get closer to your room, there’s a loud banging noise coming from down the hall. Great. Vriska’s probably pissed you missed another one of her sorry ass jokes she calls meetings.

You brace yourself for whatever raging bitch fit you’re about to deal with, until you hear this from around the corner:

KARKAT: DAVE OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR I SWEAR TO GOG!
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.
KARKAT: I OVERREACTED OKAY?
KARKAT: I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE SO JUST HEAR ME OUT FOR A SINGLE FUCKING SECOND!!!

Huh? Karkat? What’s he doing here?

You quickly round the corner before he storms off, breaks down your door, or some combination of both.

Your heart is racing, you just can’t quite catch your breath, and your legs hurt in a way that definitely won’t bite you in the ass later. It does right now though, literally. Your poor cheeks are at their limit for muscular activity today.

DAVE: uh hey
DAVE: im right here actually
DAVE: whats up?

He turns around, and then two of you stare at each other, taking in every bit of awkward silence, just like many of the cliché troll flicks Karkat has made you endure. Eventually, you muster up enough courage to attempt saying what you’ve needed to say this whole time:

DAVE: you shouldnt be the one apologizing
DAVE: so uh
DAVE: i guess im gonna uno reverse card that shit real quick
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
KARKAT: ALSO KANAYA WAS RIGHT, YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.
DAVE: look dude i know trust me
DAVE: wait you guys were talking shit about me?
DAVE: actually can we have this conversation inside
DAVE: preferably on the couch cause im huffing n puffing n shit like a bitch right now?
DAVE: also cause other people use this hallway
KARKAT: UH… SURE?
KARKAT: AND NO, KANAYA JUST SAID YOU LOOKED “ROUGH” DURING VRISKA’S PISS POOR ATTEMPT AT PULLING SOME SORT OF MEETING OUT OF HER SHAME GLOBES.

As you walk inside and sit on the couch, Karkat explains that he was the one who sent Kanaya to bring you to the meeting. Naturally, when you didn’t show up, Vriska went on a “complete tyrannical shit storm of attendance related bullshit” according to Karkat. So after about ten minutes with nothing changing, he walked over to your room to make sure you were you were okay, but not before getting into an argument with Vriska. When you try asking what they even were arguing about this time, Karkat says he doesn’t want to talk about it right now. You don’t care though. Honestly, you’re just happy the two of you can have a normal conversation after last night. On the same couch no less.

As your moirail continues to rant about Vriska’s “insufferable ego”, you can’t help but chuckle to yourself. No matter how many times you’ve been in this exact scenario, you’ll never get tired of seeing him like this.

After giving Vriska a well deserved verbal smackdown, the two of you shift to exchanging benine small talk, delicately dancing around the elephant in your already tiny room. One part of you is tempted to just bask in moment and keep pretending things are back to normal, but you can’t escape the feeling that the two of you still have things you need to say to each other. So you try again:

DAVE: hey dude
DAVE: we gotta get real for a sec
DAVE: maybe we should shoot out some quick questions at each other?
DAVE: its like speed running conflict resolution
DAVE: and after this we can just
DAVE: you know
DAVE: …
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: YEAH, OKAY.
KARKAT: THEN UH…
KARKAT: WHY WERE YOU AVOIDING ME ALL DAY?
KARKAT: IF YOU WANT TO CALL THINGS OFF JUST SAY IT ALREADY.
DAVE: wait karkat no
DAVE: what?
DAVE: why the hell would i do that???
DAVE: im sorry i was avoiding you n shit
DAVE: i was just too much of a pussy to see you face to face when i knew you were mad at me
KARKAT: …
DAVE: why did you send kanaya to talk to me?
KARKAT: BECAUSE YOU *CLEARLY* DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO ME, I DIDN’T WANT TO TALK TO TEREZI, AND NO ONE LIKES VRISKA.
DAVE: what about rose?
KARKAT: DUDE WHY WOULD I DO THAT? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO SAID THAT’S BREAKING OUR “SACRED BEST BRO CODE”
DAVE: oh
DAVE: thanks for remembering that actually
KARKAT: SURE. WHATEVER. I FIND A LOT OF YOUR “BRO” RULES TO BE TOTALLY ARBITRARY ANYWAYS.
KARKAT: …WHY WEREN’T YOU IN YOUR ROOM WHEN I SHOWED UP?
DAVE: i was trying eating the liquid ass you trolls have to call breakfast
DAVE: thats the saddest cereal experience ive ever had quite honestly i pity anyone who has to eat that dogshit
DAVE: guess i should get back on track
DAVE: anyways yall were in a meeting so i figured it was the prime time to avoid talking to people n shit
KARKAT: INCLUDING ME?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: sorry about that
DAVE: nothing personal im just still learning how to do the whole “talking about my feelings” thing
DAVE: bro was throwing me into 1am katana battles not fucking family therapy
DAVE: hey the lessons paid off tho so i guess i cant complain
DAVE: honestly if we ever attempted family therapy i probably wouldve been kickin it with motherfucking orphan annie after two sessions max
KARKAT: YOUR INFERIOR HUMAN LUSUS SYSTEM STILL DOESN’T MAKE A SINGLE FUCKING IOTA OF SENSE TO ME, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU EXPLAIN THAT BULLSHIT.
DAVE: yeah well most humans didnt do a fraction of the weird shit bro was into
DAVE: besides dont those lusus things try to kill you?
DAVE: or is that a case by case type thing
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?
KARKAT: NO!!!
KARKAT: CRABDAD WAS FUCKING AWESOME, AND I WON’T TOLERATE ANY FUCKING SLANDER TOWARDS HIM.
KARKAT: OTHER TROLLS WERE THE ONLY REAL DEAL LETHAL LIVING AND BREATHING BULLSHIT I HAD TO WORRY ABOUT.
KARKAT: GAMZEE HAD A SHITTY LUSUS. IT’S A MIRACLE HIS THINKPAN DEVELOPMENT DIDN’T COME TO A SCREECHING HAULT BY FUCKING 3 OR 4 SWEEPS.
KARKAT: BUT HE WAS THE EXCEPTION AS FAR AS I KNOW.
DAVE: noted
DAVE: any more questions?
DAVE: speak now and forever hold your peace
DAVE: fuck its or forever isnt it
KARKAT: WHY…
KARKAT: WHY DIDNT YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS WITH ME? OR EVEN JUST SEE ME AT ALL? THAT’S WHAT MOIRAILS ARE FOR.
DAVE: dude i
DAVE: like i said its nothing personal
DAVE: i dont really open up or talk about my feelings as quickly as the rest of you guys can
DAVE: and im sorry this is the one thing im dogshit at
DAVE: my apology sucked last night
DAVE: and i didnt understand why
DAVE: honestly i STILL dont understand what to even say
DAVE: but i knew you were mad at me
DAVE: i thought talking to you would fuck shit up even more
DAVE: i like
DAVE: …
DAVE: fuck lost my train of thought
DAVE: im not good with words
DAVE: feels like they just keep coming out before i think them
KARKAT: YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
KARKAT: SO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING IS, YOU’VE BEEN AVOIDING ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T WANT TO HURT MY FEELINGS? AND BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT I WAS MAD AT YOU?
DAVE: yeah basically
DAVE: also not that im mad about it
DAVE: but why send kanaya to come get me if youre so worried about us avoiding each other?
KARKAT: BECAUSE-
KARKAT: FUCK!!!
KARKAT: I WAS JUST REALLY NERVOUS WHEN NO ONE SAW YOU TODAY, BUT I THOUGHT *YOU* WERE MAD AT *ME* SO I WAS BEING A TOTAL NOOK WHIFFER ABOUT IT, OKAY?
DAVE: aw
DAVE: you were worried about me?
DAVE: thats fucking gay
KARKAT: OF COURSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU!!!
DAVE: okay thats really sweet actually thank you
DAVE: but uh
DAVE: why are you so worried about me when im the one who made you upset and cry last night?
DAVE: somethings not adding up there
DAVE: maybe i should have started with that question actually
DAVE: my bad
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T *MAKE* ME DO ANYTHING STRIDER. I WAS UPSET BECAUSE OF A CACOPHONY OF IRRELEVANT BULLSHIT THAT *NO ONE* HAS ANY CONTROL OVER.
DAVE: i dont wanna pry you open like some sort of clam with no lube just spit
DAVE: but that sounds like a total crock of bullshit and you know it
DAVE: that might as well be in the watch mojo top 10 lamest excuse of all time video
KARKAT: WELL DAVE, IF I WAS REALLY *THAT* BOTHERED ABOUT IT I WOULD TELL YOU. AND PROBABLY MULTIPLE OTHER PEOPLE. YOU KNOW THAT.
KARKAT: SO CAN WE AGREE TO JUST CALL THIS BLOOD BENEATH THE ABATOIR NOW?
DAVE: if you say so dude
DAVE: im still not buying what youre selling even with a damn 69% off sale and free shipping included
DAVE: but im not gonna make you talk about some shit when you dont want to thats like rule number 3 of bro code
DAVE: so one last question and were done
KARKAT: OKAY, WHAT IS IT?
DAVE: were still moirails and best bros
DAVE: right?
KARKAT: OF COURSE YOU DUMBASS.
DAVE: okay cool just checking
DAVE: wow i feel a lot better actually
DAVE: not gonna lie my whole fucking body hurts now tho
KARKAT: GOOD, THAT MEANS YOU’RE DESTRESSING.
KARKAT: YOU NEED TO FUCKING RELAX AND REST DUDE, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WERE HIT BY A WHEELMACHINE FULL OF POUNDTOOLS OR SOME BULLSHIT.
DAVE: damn can a man not have a single off day
DAVE: also were just gonna brush past that poundtool is a word that just came out of your mouth with complete sincerity and totally not joke about later
DAVE: but i get it i get it
DAVE: whats it called when youre tired but not like actually tired?
DAVE: EXHAUSTED, DUDE.
KARKAT: WHY DONT WE MOVE TO YOUR PLATFORM THING SO YOU CAN LAY DOWN?
DAVE: you trying to lay down the moves on me rn?
KARKAT: SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! I’M ACTUALLY TRYING TO HELP YOU, DESPITE HOW YOU ALWAYS MAKE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING STEP OF THE HELPING PROCESS EXTREMELY AGGRAVATING.
KARKAT: NOW GET IN THAT SACK OF SHIT YOU CALL A “BED”, OR I WILL ACTUALLY MAKE YOU MORE SORE THAN YOU ALREADY ARE!!!
DAVE: oh
DAVE: is that a threat or a promise?

Before you can seal the deal with your hilarious eyebrow wiggle, Karkat launches a throw pillow directly at your face. Definitely had that one coming. Your shades hit the floor, but the two of you are too busy laughing to care, and not the awkward or stilted kind of laughs from earlier. This is the type of laughter that’s so genuine it feels like a burst of euphoria when you’re finished. You neglect your signature shades this one time. It’s not like your moirail will ever be able to truly appreciate the true artistry Ben Stiller has produced over the years anyways.

However, Karkat was right: you are exhausted.

Laying in bed is a necessity to make it through the rest of the day. Every single muscle in your back is crying out in pain. Oh shit, your arms are hurting too. Plus your neck, and your wrists, and even your fucking toe bones. Now that you think about it… you definitely should work on tensing up less, but there’s no more doctors around to tell you how to do that, or to inevitably scold you when you forget. And as if you couldn’t feel any worse, a pang of hunger hits you dead in the gut. Maybe you should’ve ate more food when you had the chance…

DAVE: hey kk i think youre right about the whole laying in bed thing but uh
DAVE: can we still hang tho?
DAVE: gotta make up for crucial lost bro time
KARKAT: YEAH, I CAN DO THAT.
KARKAT: DO YOU NEED HELP GETTING UP?
DAVE: nah i got this

You try standing up, until your legs are wobbling. Oka, just grip onto the arm of the couch this time. Oh, they’re still wobbling. Great. Third time’s the charm, just push through and… Fuck. Now your head is spinning too. Turns out, Dave Strider does not “got this”. Luckily, Karkat rises to the occasion, quite literally in fact. His hands are on your waist in an instant, trying to maintain a state of balance as he stands next to you. Your bro yells at you for not just letting him help you, but the majority of it goes in one ear and out the other. You’re too focused on the white dots in your vision. Huh. That’s weird.

KARKAT: HERE, JUST WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND MY SHOULDERS DIPSHIT.

You oblige, now realizing this was just a ploy for Karkat to pick you up bridal style, but not until you’re already swept off your feet. A part of you wants to tell him you’re already coming back to your senses, and you probably could just float to your bed without using your legs, but you enjoy your moirail’s embrace too much to separate yourself from him. Wait. Is that gay? Maybe you’re still out of your senses after all.

Karkat attempts setting you down as softly as possible, yet despite your magical space powers, you still manage to find a way to flop onto the bed.

KARKAT: I’M GONNA GET YOU SOME WATER, DON’T MOVE A SINGLE FUCKING EARTH INCH. YOU HEAR ME?
DAVE: yessirrr
KARKAT: YOU BETTER BE GRATEFUL I’M EVEN DOING THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW!
DAVE: thank youuuu

Karkat grumbles a few more words under his breath, then makes his way out the door. As per usual, he’s all bark no bite. There’s no way in hell your moirail would leave you unattended with even a stubbed toe. Calling Karkat a mom friend would be an understatement, not that you’re complaining. At ten years old, you were already dressing your own wounds and tending to your own fevers. When was the last time you were able to lay in bed and be taken care of like this? It’s really nice actually.

After getting a second to catch your breath, you muster up the energy to slide your shoes and pants back off, throwing them on the floor like a total boss. It crosses your mind that Karkat’s never seen you in boxers, but you’re more preoccupied with the painful growls coming from your stomach. Turns out that stress and barely eating are the worst combo to known to man. Or, known to this man at the very least.

When you were a little kid, you’d grown use to eating like this. There’s nothing quite like having just a fruit roll up and apple juice for lunch, and then again for dinner. Breakfast was a concept more foreign to you than the goddamn Eiffel Tower itself. You’re old enough now to know Bro was lying to you about being an internet-famous kajillionaire cause of shit like that. Knowing him, if he had the money, he would have signed you up for some serious Black-Mamba-level training, or at least whatever training Uma Thurman had to do behind the scenes. But instead, you two lived in a shitty bachelor pad, on the bad side of Houston, replacing meals with fruit snacks, so your brother could afford more katanas to train you with. Just normal run of the mill childhood stuff.

You try not to think about that too hard. Bro was a piece of shit. There’s nothing else to say on the matter. No use thinking about it, cause there’s no way that shit has any effect on you now.

Anyways, what’s affecting you now is your stomach tossing and turning like some sort of hyperactive spin cycle after you cranked an old Maytag too high. Now sudds are fucking everywhere, the warranty is expired, and you have no hope of drying your soaking fucking wet clothes.

Like always, your time powers are making you painfully aware of every single second that passes. You let out possibly the most pathetic groan that’s ever escaped your mouth. It’s probably time to accept that this video-game-induced space adventure has officially turned you into a total pussy. You still refuse.

Even if you wanted to try your luck with Karkat, getting out of bed’s an insurmountable task. Instead, opting for curling your legs against your chest, and then wrapping your arms around them, seems like the better move. You learned the utter brilliance of this position back in Houston. Suddenly the pain’s a little less severe. Perfect.

After laying in the same position for so long, you realize that Karkat’s been gone for a weirdly long time. It’s not like trolls didn’t grow up with water like humans did. Even you know about the mermaid space Hitler bullshit. Or maybe you should say mermaid Darth Vader? Eh, who cares. It’s not like there’s some bored jackass who spends their free time trying to read your thoughts. You wouldn’t blame any mind reading jackasses for it though, since you’re probably the single coolest motherfucker to come from the planet Earth, at least since Tony Hawk himself.

So… where’s Karkat? Before you can seriously ponder the question, the dude just busts through your door.

KARKAT: OH JEGUS ARE YOU OKAY??
KARKAT: WHAT’S WRONG????
DAVE: what nothing man im good
DAVE: ignore the fetal position its comfortable as fuck
DAVE: babies have it set man i could do this shit 24/7
DAVE: but uh yeah i just needed a sec to recover while i hunger like the wolf
KARKAT: YOU-
KARKAT: YOU’RE UH-
KARKAT: NOT WEARING PANTS.
DAVE: yeah?
DAVE: sorry turns out god tier pajamas are pretty shitty pajamas
DAVE: doctor vantas said im required to lay in bed all comfortable and shit
DAVE: i got a lethal case of tummy ache and the only cure is best bro time by doctors orders
DAVE: the pants are the only thing standing between me and a smooth recovery
KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN WANT FUCKING TO KNOW IF THIS IS YOUR NORMAL LEVEL OF HORNBEASTSHIT SPEWAGE, OR IF THERE’S EVEN THE SLIGHTEST SEMBLANCE OF TRUTH IN WHAT MY THINKPAN IS ATTEMPTING TO PROCESS.
KARKAT: DRINK THIS FUCKING WATER OR I’LL KILL YOU FASTER THAN ANY LETHAL STOMACH DISEASE EVER COULD.
DAVE: honestly that sounds pretty nice right about now
DAVE: we thinking about the good ol fashioned old yeller ending?
DAVE: or are you in more of a where the red fern grows kind of mood?
KARKAT: YOU STILL HAVEN’T DRANK THIS WATER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR HUMAN POP CULTURE REFERENCES YOU KNOW I *CLEARLY* DON’T UNDERSTAND FOR ONCE!!!
DAVE: okay yeah i should probably do that
DAVE: can it wait like 10 seconds? laying down is my top priority atm
DAVE: you can set it on the table for now i guess
DAVE: also is the no pants thing really that weird?
DAVE: i can go grab some shorts
KARKAT: NO, IT JUST CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD.
KARKAT: I’M SURE FOR HUMANS THIS ISN’T WEIRD AT ALL, CONSIDERING THE WAY YOU ALL DWELL IN YOUR HIVES TOGETHER.
DAVE: well sorry for accidentally titillating you with my bare knee caps
DAVE: how utterly indecent for a southern belle like myself
KARKAT: PFFT-
KARKAT: DON’T THINK TOO HIGHLY OF YOURSELF STRIDER.
KARKAT: DO YOU WANT ME TO SIT IN BED WITH YOU?
DAVE: hell yeah brother

While Karkat kicks his shoes off, you finally turn around, sit up, and scoot over so he has room to sit next to you. Come to think of it, this is the first time someone’s been able to sit in bed with you. Prior to SBURB, all your friends were strictly online, and there’s no way in hell you could have invited someone over while totally drowning in ninja weapons and smuppet paraphernalia anyways. This bed however? Perfectly suited to seat your moirail’s rump. Karkat seems to think so himself, quickly sitting next to you.

KARKAT: SO WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU D-
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.
KARKAT: YOUR EYES.
KARKAT: I MEAN-
KARKAT: YOUR SUNGLASSES. THEY’RE GONE.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: kinda weird isnt it?
DAVE: its almost like someone mustve throw something at my perfectly chiseled face like…
DAVE: like….

The distance between you and Karkat, or lack thereof, completely distracts you from whatever you’re attempting to say. His leg and shoulder pressed against yours. His eyes staring deep into you. You can’t help but notice the little flecks of red his irises while staring back. Is that weird? This is the closest you’ve ever seen a troll’s face, let alone Karkat’s face. Your heart is racing, and your eyes drift south.

All you can do is focus on his fangs. They’re so sharp, but not nearly as threatening as his female counterparts. Karkat’s teeth look more… inviting? Uh, maybe less intimidating is the wording you should use.

Next thing you know, you’re focusing on Karkat’s lips specifically, and how their soft curved appearance perfectly contrasts against his pointed canines. This is definitely gay, but who cares anymore. You can’t think straight either way. Pun intended?

Karkat starts to lean in, and you’re unable to stop yourself from doing the same. Your faces are now only an inch or two apart, if even. There’s a lingering hesitance in the air, but even just the idea of letting this moment slip from your grasp seems… oddly painful. So without thinking it through, you shut your eyes, close the distance, and gingerly place your lips onto his.

In the movies, kisses seem so hot and passionate. This kiss however, is really awkward. It takes you a second, but eventually, you figure you should tilt your head to the side a bit, and-

Woah.

Suddenly everything fits into place. You both lean in with confidence now, and your thoughts are consumed with how much you love this. Maybe the movie kisses you grew up with were accurate after all? You don’t know, and you especially don’t care.

After the fireworks fade away, the two of you pull apart, and quickly realize what just happened. Karkat looks like a deer in headlights, and you can’t imagine you look much different. Now there’s a whole new kind of silence in your room. The kind of silence that screams “well what do we do now”, while also making every inch of movement seemingly impossible.

Fuck. Fuck. Fucking shit. Fuck. Fucking shitting FUCK.

KARKAT: UH.
KARKAT: YOU SAID YOU WERE HUNGRY RIGHT?
KARKAT: I CAN FIX THAT LATER TOO.
KARKAT: ACTUALLY RIGHT NOW SOUNDS GOOD.
KARKAT: I’LL BE RIGHT BACK!
KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!

He absconds faster than you’ve ever seen anyone take off before, while still managing to let out even more nervous laughter on the way out. You know, that Karkat knows, that you know, that he doesn’t even have the faintest idea about how to prepare human food. He refuses to even try anything from Earth unless you manage to wear him down into trying a particular fruit or meat for days on end.

You couldn’t care less about whatever food he brings quite honestly. The weight of reality’s finally hitting you like a massive knuckle sandwich.

Why the fuck would you kiss Karkat?

Chapter Text

No seriously, why the FUCK did you kiss Karkat???

Exhaustion? Maybe a dastardly spirit took over your body? Considering that you’re flying through space, the force still isn’t out of the question either. None of those answers are satisfying though, at least for now.

In all honesty, you probably should run over to your laptop to message Rose immediately, but that has to wait till later. Karkat could be back any second, and you wouldn’t dare getting caught red handed talking about your homies while they’re in the room. That’s a level of disrespect you haven’t managed to dole out just yet. Instead, you waddle over to your shades, trying your best not to limp in the process. Striders aren’t supposed to show weakness, even by themselves.

You pick up the shades, realizing that today has become even worse somehow. A tiny crack is starting to form in the corner of the right lens. If these things broke, you’d probably just end it all, right here, right now. Instead, you just groan, and slowly make your way back to bed. Karkat was right, every bit of movement is agonizing, floating or not. Being carried around sounds really nice right about now. Damn it.

You really fucked the dog on this one. I mean was the kiss great? Yeah. No use dissing the incredible lip action your bro had going with you. But do you wanna date a guy? Uh… not really, no. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But you specifically? You just aren’t about the gay shit like that. Sure, could you see yourself having some experimental years at college. That’s normal. Dating a dude from a literal different planet? Not exactly on your bucket list.

One small issue with that. Didn’t doing romantic stuff with Karkat start this whole issue going on in the first place?

Fuck.

You can’t just treat him like your own personal homosexuality science experiment. That’s fucked. But then again, isn’t that what you just did earlier? Fuck!!! This shit is so confusing.

Before you can overthink about this some more, Karkat walks back in, with the weirdest looking sandwich you’ve ever seen. Did he manage to find chips to put on the damn thing? You have to try this absolute masterpiece.

KARKAT: I’M NOT REALLY GOOD AT MAKING A SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU LOWLY ALIENS REGARD AS FOOD, BUT KANAYA SAID SHE’S SEEN ROSE MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.
DAVE: that shit looks straight out of scooby doo
DAVE: quite honestly im impressed
DAVE: if nothing else i will forever appreciate this meal for its artistry alone
KARKAT: THANKS, I THINK?
KARKAT: IF YOU HATE IT JUST SAY SOMETHING NOW.
KARKAT: I’D BE THE LAST ONE TO JUDGE YOU FOR NOT WANTING TO EAT ANYTHING THAT REMOTELY RESEMBLES THE SLUDGE YOU HUMANS CONSIDER FOR CONSUMPTION.
DAVE: right back at you man
DAVE: wow a medical doctor visit and a cordon blue dining both on the same day
DAVE: pretty lucky for a guy hurling through paradox space if i say so myself
DAVE: and i do say so myself
KARKAT: YOU’RE *SO* FUNNY, TELL ANOTHER ONE.
KARKAT: ALSO, MEDICAL DOCTOR? WHAT’S NEXT? EDUCATIONAL TEACHERS? ROMANTIC LOVE STORIES???
DAVE: damn i was just giving my compliments to the chef my bad man
DAVE: whatever happened to five star service?
DAVE: fr tho give me a bite of that shit rn im starving

Karkat hands you the plate, now standing pretty close to your bed. As you grab the dish from him, he’s pretty clearly attempting to avoid eye contact as much as possible. For what it’s worth, Karkat definitely looks embarrassed rather than upset or angry. You wonder what he’s thinking about as you try his sandwich. So much pressure.

Oh? Definitely not bad. You don’t exactly have a refined palette or anything like that, but you do have a sneaking suspicion there’s trace amounts of grub in here. You go in for another bite. Maybe your hunger has lowered your standards, but this is pretty fucking good. The only word you could use to describe the flavor is… zesty maybe? You throw Karkat a thumbs up, and before you finish chewing, you tell him:

DAVE: ish good
KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: THANK YOU, I GUESS?
KARKAT: HONESTLY, YOU SHOULD THANK KANAYA. SHE DID WAY MORE THAN ME.
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF, I KINDA TOLD HER I’D HELP HER WITH SOME STUPID SEWING OR KNITTING PROJECT TONIGHT TO MAKE UP FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT I ASKED HER TO DO TODAY.
DAVE: and they say chivalry is dead
DAVE: but honestly you can go ahead just do that if you want
DAVE: i have some sick beats i should probably work on rn
DAVE: beats so sick theyre practically on hospice care surrounded by friends n family n shit
DAVE: but uh
DAVE: no pressure if you wanna stay for a bit
DAVE: always got time for my best bro

You set your sandwich down, and put your thumbs and index fingers together where Karkat can see, perfectly making a diamond with your four fingers. In return, he lets out a sigh that almost immediately turns into a smile.

KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE?
KARKAT: YOU ALMOST PASSED OUT NOT EVEN AN HOUR AGO. I REALLY DON’T MIND STAYING FOR A SECOND.
DAVE: nah you aint gotta wait up for me bro
DAVE: trust me i appreciate it
DAVE: im like your little damsel in distress
DAVE: but you should probably go help kanaya now so you can actually get some rest at some point too
DAVE: dont worry about me if i really need you for some shit i can just pester rose im sure shell be there too
DAVE: just tell her to keep her laptop open incase my limbs simultaneously fall off or some shit and i need emergency surgery
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN MESSAGE HER WITH NO TOP PRONGS???
DAVE: karkat how the fuck would i even lose my arms in the first place
KARKAT: OKAY YEAH, THAT’S FAIR.
KARKAT: YOU’RE *PROBABLY* RIGHT. I DIDN’T GET MUCH SLEEP LAST NIGHT.
DAVE: same here
DAVE: honestly more sleep sounds heavenly rn
KARKAT: WELL, I GUESS I’LL LEAVE NOW THEN.
DAVE: ok bet bye dude see you later
DAVE: i really appreciate everything you n everything you did today man youre the best
KARKAT: THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE YOUR… APPRECIATION?
KARKAT: JUST PLEASE REMEMBER TO DRINK THE WATER I BROUGHT YOU AT SOME POINT YOU DUMBASS.

You’ve already taken another bite of your sandwhich, so you settle for just tossing another thumbs up. Karkat makes his way over to your door yet again, then turns around to face you one last time, and says:

KARKAT: HEY DAVE.
KARKAT: CAN UHHHHHHH…
KARKAT: CAN WE JUST PRETEND THESE LAST 48 OR SO HOURS NEVER HAPPENED?

Now Karkat is facing away from you, as if he’s scared to hear your reply.

DAVE: your wish is my command dude
DAVE: i just
DAVE: actually lets just start pretending now
DAVE: wait why are we pretending again?
DAVE: it feels like two whole days have been plucked from my memory
DAVE: oh no what ever shall i do
KARKAT: OKAY COOL.
KARKAT: GREAT.
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: BEFORE THAT I JUST WANNA SAY THAT-
KARKAT: UH-
KARKAT: I REALLY… APPRECIATE YOU TOO DAVE.
KARKAT: I MEAN IT.

Karkat uses his hands to make his own diamond this time. You both smile, and for a second, it actually feels like things are back to normal.

DAVE: oh hey one last request actually
DAVE: could you pass me my laptop? its still over there by the couch
KARKAT: YEAH, NO PROBLEM.

Everything else goes swimmingly. Karkat brings you your laptop, bids his final farewell, and makes his way out the door. You let out a sigh of… confusion? Maybe frustration instead.

Isn’t this what you wanted? Prior to the kiss, Karkat’s offer sounded too good to be true, but now that you’re here, the grass is not greener on the other side. Not even a horrid shade of chartreuse is metaphorically growing under your feet right now. Fuck. Man, this shit is already becoming way too confusing to think about.

So instead, you do the most natural thing, finally cave in, and pester your sister:

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: yo
TG: crazy dave strider lore updates going on rn

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: Oh? Should I have my ink and quill ready for documenting such vital information? I can even preserve these transcripts for generations to come if you find it necessary.
TG: so glad you said that rose im actually looking for someone to maintain the dave strider history museum when we make the new world
TG: we even hired a ben stiller look alike to keep the place safe at night
TG: but nah reading this works just fine
TG: no goddamn therapy note taking bullshit right now
TG: look
TG: i talked to karkat
TT: I see. How did that go?
TG: pretty fucking well if you ask me
TG: and you do ask me
TG: so its safe to say that it went pretty fucking well
TG: even divided scholars could get together and go “yeah stuffs going pretty fucking well with those two” no academic discussion bullshit or nothing required its just an indisputable fact
TT: I don’t mean to rain all over your diamond shaped parade, but why exactly does this revelation necessitate a conversation at the moment?
TT: Trust me, I am happy for you, but this information is far from a dramatic life event worthy of the title “lore”. If anything, your life has returned to its much needed status quo.
TG: well something else happened after we made up
TG: you have to swear to secrecy before i tell you tho
TG: act like im handing you classified cia documents
TG: fuck watergate or area 51 this shit is so classified you couldnt even wrap your mind around it
TG: you better put one hand over the heart and the other hand on your favorite goddamn wizard hentai book
TG: no paperbacks either
TT: Dave, I’m your sister, do you take me to be some sort of drama seeking scandalmonger?
TT: Actually, spare me the answer to that question please.
TT: I don’t understand why you’re being so secretive to such an unnecessary extent.
TT: Quite frankly, I don’t have any person in my life you should be worried about telling in the near future, seeing as we’re stuck cohabitating this meteor until further notice.
TG: dont say that
TG: john is coming soon as fuck and you know it
TG: that man has already left me hanging enough as is
TT: I suppose that’s true.
TT: Maybe you should talk to him about this instead, seeing as he’ll be here so soon?
TG: fuck off
TT: I could, if I had the desire, yet here I am entertaining this conversation instead.
TT: I promise not to tell anyone, irregardless of our friendship level. Now can you please just say what’s on your mind already? Or do I need to perform a song and dance for this totally necessary and relevant information as well?
TG: okay fine
TG: so me and karkat made up right?
TT: Right.
TG: well after that i almost passed out highkey
TG: that was unrelated tho so dont worry about it
TG: anyways karkat helped me to my bed and brought me water
TG: and then karkat sat in my bed
TG: then we maybe sorta kissed?
TG: well maybe i kissed him actually
TG: but the big deal is that karkat wants to pretend the potential kiss never happened now
TT: Well congratulations for your first Schrödinger’s makeout session my dear brother.
TG: ha ha very funny
TG: fuck that guy he totally knew the cat was in the box the whole time
TG: like bro its your cat who else put it in the fucking box
TG: i dont take a dump and call it striders turd just cause i cant see it till i stand up and flush
TT: I think you’re missing multiple points he made, but I digress.
TT: Is this revelation not something worth celebrating?
TT: Quite honestly, I assumed you two had already kissed prior to these last few days.
TG: double fuck off
TG: fuck off (the remix)
TG: fuck off: back in action
TT: My apologies for being engaged in my brother’s stories as he tells them to me. I’ll try to be better about that.
TG: okay fine sorry
TG: but to answer your question no im not celebrating jackshit rn
TT: Why not? You quite literally said you want the relationship between you two to return to its “normal” state when we last spoke.
TT: Was this not your desired outcome?
TG: well yeah but that was before i went full on brokeback alternia today
TT: You’re aware they do more than kiss in that film, correct?
TG: hell no
TG: i was too busy watching bioncle commercials and mastering my epic dj skills to waste my time watching two dudes buttfuck while earning their boy scout badges or whatever the hell happens there
TG: are you seriously telling me you thought there was even a slight chance i spent a single second of my precious childhood watching those dudes ride horseback up and down a mountain just to grab a couple of rubbers?
TG: wait do gay guys even need protection? they cant even get pregnant
TT: Dave that is possibly the stupidest fucking thing you have ever said to me, online or in person, for multiple reasons.
TG: damn sorry for not studying the gay encyclopedia front to back before the apocalypse happened
TG: ill do better on the next test i promise
TG: shit were already way off topic actually
TG: i know i said i wanted stuff to be normal again
TG: but that was before this shit happened
TT: And let me guess, now that you have kissed Karkat, you’re officially hitting rock bottom while digging for your heterosexuality?
TT: Or did you not like the kiss, so you’re worried that Karkat will get the wrong idea, thus ruining the relationship you two already share?
TG: woah woah woah
TG: first of all i have a fucking unbreakable diamond shovel for my self discovery escapades ok?
TT: Trust me Dave, I’m aware.
TG: second of all yeah maybe kind of both tbh
TG: i liked the kiss it was great
TG: but like i don’t even know if i want to date karkat, much less know if i wanna be gay now
TT: What do you mean by “if I want to be gay”?
TG: like
TG: okay ill admit i do a bunch of homo stuff with karkat and i really like it
TG: i mean we both really like it
TG: but dating a dude is just like a commitment man
TG: i mean technically all relationships are a commitment but like with dudes its like woah do i really wanna hop on that ship just yet?
TG: and the answer is always no, so im straight
TT: Yes, but WHY do you not want to be in a relationship with a man?
TG: cause people are gonna fucking judge me man
TG: im supposed to be this big strong man with time god powers and fight the big bad guy at the end
TG: so when people see me holding hands with a dude theyll be like “oh that dave strider guy is a total pass around fruit tray now”
TT: Notice how you didn’t say “because I’m not attracted to men” in either of those messages?
TT: Dave? Are you there?
TG: haha sorry i was totally there my keyboard just like magically stopped working for a minute or two
TT: You really should brush up on your deception skills if you thought that message would even slightly fool me.
TT: Back to the subject at hand. Do you ever think that you’re projecting your own mental criticisms and self-hatred on to others, in order to beat yourself up further?
TT: And by self-hatred, I don’t mean that you hate yourself per se, but rather a certain aspect of yourself that you can’t change.
TG: i mean i can buy that yeah
TG: so basically im thinking homophobic shit about myself, so i assume other people do too?
TT: Precisely.
TT: Besides, who even would be thinking such things about you? Trolls can barely wrap their heads around our human sexualities, and I know you’re aware that I’m a lesbian.
TG: no its not you guys yall are great
TG: well minus vriska and the murder clown
TG: but like what if john isnt cool with it yknow?
TG: also i know this is stupid trust me
TG: but i know bro would be judging me hardcore if he saw me dating a dude
TT: Well Dave, do you plan on living your life for yourself, or for John and Bro?
TT: Besides, John would do anything for you, and we both know that. Do you honestly think something as trivial as who you decide to sleep with would change that?
TT: And your brother is… no longer with us.
TG: yeah i guess thats true if anyone would be cool with me being a hardcore popsicle slurper its john
TG: but with bro its different
TG: ive spent my whole life trying to be as cool as him and caring about what he thinks
TG: look i know hes a piece of shit
TG: and i know he was terrible at raising me
TG: but i spent my whole life caring what he thinks
TG: and i cant just magically stop caring no matter how much i want to bc that shit got beat into me
TG: like literally beat
TG: and honestly im still fucking angry about it and i hate him but hes basically my dad and taught me everything i know
TG: its whatever though
TT: I’m extremely sorry your childhood was the way it was. But Dave, you’re still being beaten down, only this time you are both the victim and the perpetrator.
TT: Subconsciously speaking, you’re probably used to being treated like shit, so you keep treating yourself like shit, because that’s just what you’re used to after a decade of katana refrigerators and pornography being shoved in your face.
TT: Combine that with being told you need to be a “real man” by your only role model while he… did those things, and it makes total sense you struggle with that.
TG: holy shit
TG: rose i take everything i said back maybe you can be my therapist actually
TG: ive never thought about it like that but it makes total sense the way you explain it
TG: also you dont have to apologize its not like any of this is your fault
TG: but i appreciate it
TG: honestly yeah i didnt even realize how fucking crazy my life was until all this sburb shit started happening
TG: super ironic i know
TG: i think when jade first saw my place and freaked out that was the first time i realized things might have been bad in the first place
TT: That’s completely understandable.
TT: That was your normal, so to speak. You were a child who had nothing else to compare your home life to up until that moment.
TT: My apologies for derailing this conversation to open up any old wounds, should we hop back on track? About you and Karkat, I mean.
TG: yeah probably
TG: i mean what else there to say
TG: you got any advice youre holding out on me doc
TT: Dave, do you like Karkat?
TG: like like like him?
TT: Stop playing coy, you know exactly what I meant.
TG: well
TG: i mean i dont fucking know man
TG: i really like him as a bro we have something really special going
TG: i didnt even know what a goddamn moirail was when i met him and now we message each other diamonds and shit all the time
TG: but theres some undeniable gay activity starting to happen now
TT: Well, maybe you’re just not ready for the level of commitment that comes with a relationship?
TG: maybe
TG: idk
TG: tbh this is a lot to think about
TG: and i should probably have this conversation with him instead? no offense
TG: im just trying to get better about my dogshit communication skills rn
TT: For what it’s worth, I think you’re already making noticeable improvements.
TG: oh cool
TG: thanks for that actually
TT: If we’re changing conversation topics, may I bring up one of my own?
TG: sure id be a total ass to say no to that
TT: Are you aware of what date is coming up?
TT: Or rather, multiple dates.
TG: nah what the fucks going on
TG: did you finally learn about the 8 wonders of hanukkah or some bullshit?
TT: No Dave, our birthdays are coming up.
TT: Jade’s birthday as well, I suppose.
TG: rose
TG: you know how i feel about that shit
TG: after all the time travel i lost track of my birthday
TG: i could already be 16 deadass
TG: no reason worth celebrating
TT: I know, but you shouldn’t just forgo the celebration all together. Rituals are important to the human psyche whether you want to believe or not. Are you seriously implying you don’t want to receive a gift or two?
TG: 2?
TG: what did you put kanaya up to something too?
TT: No, I did not.
TT: What I’m trying to say is, during our meeting today, I suggested we have a celebration of sorts, to boost morale. Everyone was in agreement that things have been a little… high strung lately. A party would be the perfect solution for that.
TG: wow so you tricked a bunch of aliens to come to your birthday party?
TG: rose this is one of the saddest and most pathetic things youve ever told me
TT: I did nothing of a sort.
TG: whatever you say dude
TT: You however, know more than enough about our birthday traditions, so as your sister, all I’m asking of you is to attend this party, where I may, or may not, provide a gift in return.
TG: alright fine i can do that
TG: just stop with the schrodinger bullshit i dont even want a gift
TG: is there gonna be cake?
TT: I wasn’t planning on it, no.
TG: god rose you suck at throwing parties
TG: guess youre in luck cause d strides cant just stand by and watch you do this to yourself
TG: ill bring some sick jams and a cake
TG: dont expect anything more though
TT: I applaud for your generosity. I thought you were staunchly opposed to birthday parties?
TG: im not i just think celebrating mine is stupid
TG: but i cant just sit and watch my sister attempt to throw a party thats already this ass
TG: thats like smelling a dirty diaper and then letting someone elses kid keep walking around stinking up the whole place
TG: like yeah i dont wanna change the fucking diaper but everyone else here basically has their hands tied behind their backs and superglued to their ass cheeks so ill just take care of it myself and save everyone the grief
TG: dave striders on the case to save his sister from total party related embarrassment
TG: this is one of the only things i know more about than you so let me handle it
TT: If you’re this insistent, then your wish is my command my dear brother.
TT: Just please spare everyone from the worst of your ironic non-sense that you call “music”.
TG: oh baby dont tempt with a good time
TG: but yeah i got you
TG: consider this the best fucking gift youve ever gotten
TT: A deal has been made then. How wonderful.
TT: I think we should end our conversation here. For some strange reason, Kanaya is letting Karkat help with her sewing. Forgive me for speaking out of turn, but I’m quite certain he has only managed to make the situation substantially worse.
TG: yeah kk said he was gonna help her with some shit before he left
TT: Quite honestly, it appears to be the other way around from where I’m sitting. I think I’ll go see if I can remedy the situation before their bickering grows too bothersome for me.
TG: bet sounds good
TG: guess ill start working on this music and get some sleep soon
TG: so basically good night i guess?
TT: Good night Dave.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Chapter Text

Waking up was less of a challenge today. At least, it was supposed to be. Cold winds smack your face, robbing you of any opportunity to sleep in this morning.

Wait. What the hell? Cold winds? Inside???

One quick look around, and yup, this is definitely a dream bubble. More specifically, a dream bubble of the Land of Frost and Frogs, which only means one thing:

You finally get to see Jade.

Between the excitement and icy weather, you’re shivering like a goddamn chihuahua begging for a Beggin’ Strip. Brushing the snow off your robes is definitely futile, but you still try to as you soar into the sky. No sign of the others in here. You should probably be more bothered by that. Eh. Cut yourself some slack alright? This is going to be a reunion for the ages.

You’re outside Jade’s window before you know it. Shouldn’t you knock? She is a girl in her bedroom after all. Then again, it’s not like she hasn’t seen you in your room either. Still, knocking is definitely the best bet. By the time you raise your hand for a ceremonious knock knock to end all knock knocks, Jade opens the window herself, and looks you dead in the eyes. Well, with her already dead eyes that is. You’re still getting used to the whole no pupils thing, pretty unsuccessfully.

DAVE: what up
DAVE: bet you didnt expect to see d strides in action today huh?
DAVE: well news flash every motherfucker in a 50 mile radius better brace themselves for the impact from the next level action im laying down right now
DAVE: the epic dave and jade reunion starts now
JADE: oh hehe
JADE: hi dave
JADE: you’re right, i AM surprised to see you, but not in the way you might think :(

This Jade looks… off. Her appearance isn’t particularly different, but her demeanor is uncharacteristically depressing. Seeing Jade frown is like watching a puppy get kicked, ears pulling back and tail between the legs included.

DAVE: oh shit why whats up
DAVE: wait jade are you crying?
DAVE: i havent seen you in years what happened?
JADE: thats kind of a loaded question you know!! >:(
JADE: a lot of stuff happened
JADE: i never got to see you again until now :’(
DAVE: what? i thought davesprite was with you
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: timelines, forgot
JADE: no youre correct!! he was with us, for better or worse
JADE: its just kind of hard to consider you guys even the same person anymore :/
DAVE: i get i get
JADE: you see, me and davesprite, we broke up
JADE: a bunch of terrible stuff happened after that, and everyone died :(
DAVE: oh wow
DAVE: thats a lot to process actually
DAVE: um im really sorry about that
JADE: no need to apologize, its not your fault!
JADE: its no ones fault really, but especially not yours! or my daves fault. so dont get all upset or anything okay?
DAVE: okay
DAVE: i dont want to make this about me
DAVE: or another me i guess
DAVE: but we dated?
JADE: dave!! it was davesprite, not you
DAVE: no yeah but
DAVE: i know im not him, hes basically my epic ninja sensei
DAVE: but hes still me somewhat
DAVE: he should have my memories at the very least i think
JADE: i guess youre right :/
JADE: well davesprite broke up with me
JADE: he was also being a total jerk to john!!
JADE: i dont think it was a personal thing in either case?
JADE: he never would talk to me about anything :(
JADE: i guess i may have been a bit overbearing from his perspective…
DAVE: man im sorry about that
DAVE: davesprite went through a lot in his original timeline
DAVE: not that thats an excuse or anything
DAVE: being an asshole is just one of those inexcusable faults that no one can defend really
JADE: heh, thanks :)
JADE: in a weird way, its nice to hear this from a dave, mine or not
JADE: it seems like you really got your act together!
DAVE: somehow someway yeah
DAVE: can i ask
DAVE: did you and davesprite ever get to make music together in person?
DAVE: i miss when we got to do stupid shit like that
DAVE: when we had the chance
DAVE: …
JADE: not really no :/
JADE: he never mentioned anything like that
DAVE: what the hell?
JADE: yeah
JADE: you dont open up much!! its very frustrating :(
DAVE: hey im working on it finally i promise
DAVE: i can open up rn if you want
DAVE: put me in coach i promise i wont let you down
JADE: hehe :)
JADE: okay!
JADE: i dont exactly know what i should ask though…?
DAVE: me either haha
DAVE: hey actually can i just tell you something maybe?
DAVE: its really important to me
JADE: sure!!
JADE: how could i say no to that? :)
DAVE: (okay baby steps)
DAVE: so i was talking to rose last night right?
DAVE: she laid down the law on my ass lowkey
DAVE: maybe even highkey
DAVE: and im now starting to realize…
DAVE: i like dudes maybe?
DAVE: oh shit accidental bars
JADE: oh!! what a revelation, formed with sick rhymes too!!!
JADE: first of all congrats!!
DAVE: thank you thank you
JADE: i kinda expected you to come out sooner or later tho, lol :P
DAVE: damn how the fuck can everyone tell?
DAVE: they mustve fucking coded gaydar into this game at some point and im the only one not getting the patchnotes
DAVE: might as well just tattoo this shit across my forehead so everyone can officially taste the rainbow
JADE: um, some of the reasons i know are very private! :00
JADE: lets just say… ive seen how the sausage is made, so to speak??
DAVE: (oh god please leave the word sausage out of this)
JADE: but also, i had a few hunches since we were kids hehe
JADE: you were always overcompensating for something or another, so it was kind of a natural assumption :?
JADE: no offense!!
DAVE: none taken dude
DAVE: i was the mayor of the goddamn cringe capitol back then with all my pseudo intellectual “irony” bullshit
DAVE: wasted so much of my time being a goddamn miserable loser
JADE: um i think you were just a kid!! and making fun of kids is lame, past or present
JADE: so >:(
DAVE: okay yeah sorry past dave
DAVE: uh
DAVE: hey this a stupid question but idk when ill see you again
DAVE: you dont think john would care, would he?
DAVE: about…
DAVE: yknow
JADE: ummmmm, i dont see why he would?
JADE: hes kind of oblivious to that sort of thing :P
JADE: REALLY oblivious actually
DAVE: haha yeah thats him alright
JADE: if anything i think hed be happy for you!! as long youre as happy that is :)
JADE: but either way john is cool with gay stuff!! lots of gay stuff!!!!
DAVE: damn
DAVE: love that dude
DAVE: miss him every day
JADE: im sure he misses you too
JADE: all we would do is sit around and talk about you and rose mostly :P
JADE: it was kinda fun to imagine you two on whacky troll adventures!!
DAVE: well theres been whacky troll escapades a plenty despite how boring everything is
JADE: yay!!!
DAVE: hey jade
JADE: yes dave :0
DAVE: could we have our own little jam session before this dream bubble runs out?
JADE: yes!! i would love that :’)
JADE: ill see what instruments i can find!!
DAVE: okay cool
DAVE: cause i dont know how much more of this snow a man can handle
JADE: hehehehe :)

You make your way inside, quickly throwing down a jam session of epic proportions. Jade stays a good distance away, smiling as a few more tears roll down her face. Rather than giving her some hamfisted advice like a total asshat, you decide to just give her the time and space she needs.

Huh, what a weird coincidence.

The truth is, there’s nothing you could really say on the matter that would improve this situation. Grief is a funny thing, minus the cloud of death that surrounds it. So instead, after enough time, you opt for a more chill conversation.

DAVE: when i was a kid i used to hate being quiet like this
DAVE: its really nice rn tho
JADE: thats city living for you!
DAVE: haha i guess so yeah
DAVE: it was more birds than cars n shit at my place
DAVE: hey also before i go
DAVE: happy early birthday btw
JADE: oh!!
JADE: happy early birthday to you too dave :’)
DAVE: oh
DAVE: uh
DAVE: thanks?
DAVE: thanks for all of this too
JADE: hehehe
JADE: consider this our birthday exchange for the year!!
JADE: thank you for such an amazing gift :’’)
DAVE: huh
DAVE: i didnt provide anything besides my masterful melodies and signature chord progressions
DAVE: i can do a little dance too if you want?
JADE: no!!!
JADE: actually the dance would be pretty funny xP
JADE: but im thanking you for this conversation silly!!!
DAVE: oh
DAVE: i guess dave striders opening up saga has officially begun to take effect
JADE: it has!!!
JADE: im proud of you :’)
JADE: im sorry our first “meeting” was so sad…
DAVE: nah dont apologize
DAVE: i couldnt have asked for something better to do today
JADE: heh
JADE: you really have become a true knight <3

And before you can respond, the room begins to shift and change around you, ending the conversation there. Suddenly, you’re surrounded by cold hard metal again.

Damn it…

Jade really knows how to pull at your heart strings. It’s gonna be awhile before you leave your room today. At least, that’s what you thought, until messages start popping up on your laptop. You wipe away the wetness under your eyes before checking Pesterchum. Allergies. Definitely just allergies.

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TT: I think you should come see this.
TT: We’re in a bit of a conundrum with Karkat?
TT: He hit his head in the dream bubble and won’t wake up.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

TG: oh shit
TG: is he okay??
TT: If by okay, you mean alive and breathing, then yes.
TG: yes rose that really gives me tons of more insight and context as to what happened
TG: look at me just up to my ass in context
TG: if if i go any deeper i might drown
TT: Dave just come to the computer area and let us explain what happened in person please.
TT: This day has already been enough of a headache for me, and it’s barely begun.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: ok heard

TG: omw

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

You run over to a transportalizer, conveniently missing any trolls on your short journey. If only you could always be this lucky.

Karkat lays unconscious on the couch in front of you, with Rose and Kanaya seated at the table not too far from the two of you. Luckily, this is far from the Grey’s Anatomy scene you were anticipating. Quite honestly, you’d assume Karkat just got a little tuckered out a fell asleep snug on the couch if it weren’t for Rose’s messages.

ROSE: Alert the press! The man of the hour has arrived, finally.
DAVE: im no doctor
DAVE: but shouldnt the dude passed out in the middle of the room be the man of the hour?
DAVE: i guess he was the man of the hour a few hours ago huh
KANAYA: I Believe Rose Is Attempting To Embed Her Message With The Signature “Sarcasm” You Two Share.
DAVE: fair
DAVE: okay so
DAVE: what the fuck happened??
ROSE: Well, you experienced the dream bubble this morning as well, correct?
DAVE: hell fucking yes
DAVE: i got to see jade it was epic
DAVE: we had the jam session of a goddamn life time
ROSE: If only we could say the same.
KANAYA: Our Experience Was… Something Else.
ROSE: I’ll give Kanaya the prestigious honor of rehashing the events that transpired today.
KANAYA: Oh.
KANAYA: I Suppose I Shall Then.
KANAYA: This All Began Because Karkat Was…. Helping Me With A Certain Sewing Project Which I Will Not Name.
DAVE: ha gay
DAVE: youre totally making something for rose arent you
DAVE: i can see through all this bullshit
DAVE: i bet its a big fucking lesbigay blanket of made of romance final answer
KANAYA: Oh, Um…
KANAYA: Ha Ha Ha Ha!
KANAYA: I Guess I Have Been Thwarted From Performing Such A Deception.
KANAYA: How Unfortunate.
DAVE: its okay rose hates surprises anyways
DAVE: she would always make us tell her what we were getting her for her birthday like a total serial killer
ROSE: I don’t “hate surprises”, I simply enjoy being in the know for most situations if possible.
DAVE: yeah cause thats definitely what people say when they like surprises
DAVE: anyways what does this have to do with karkat?
KANAYA: We Stayed Up Rather Late Busying Our Selves With Sewing Activities Last Evening, But We Still Managed To Disperse Into Our Respective Quarters When We Finished.
KANAYA: When Rose and I Returned To The Common Area, Karkat Was Already Attempting Some Alterations. He Appeared To Be Restless So I Told Him He Should Return To His Recuperacoon At Once, Which Caused Us To Get Into A Minor Argument.
DAVE: i knew he wouldnt fucking listen
DAVE: like damn dude were asking you to sleep not perform brain surgery!
KANAYA: Precisely.
ROSE: Once we managed to diffuse the situation, the dream bubble happened.
ROSE: And to make matters worse, we ran into someone from Karkat’s lineage in the bubble.
DAVE: worse? that sounds better
DAVE: troll family reunion lets go baby
KANAYA: That Would Be The Case If Karkat And Kankri Could Co-Exist Peacefully.
KANAYA: I Believe The Phrase You Humans Use For A Scenario Like This Is “Like Pouring Gas Onto A Fire”.
DAVE: so is this kankri guy just an asshole?
KANAYA: Not Exactly.
KANAYA: It Is Difficult To Articulate His Viewpoints Without Dedicating Ourselves To Several Mind Numbing Hours Of Verbal Context About Alternian Politics. I Will Say, I Found Myself Agreeing With A Fair Amount Of His Viewpoints, But His Delivery Is… Cringe Inducing To Say The Least.
KANAYA: And Quite Honestly That Is A Charitable Statement.
DAVE: so what did they get into a fight over space politics or some shit?
ROSE: It depends on your definition of a fight I suppose.
ROSE: I would consider it more of a one sided verbal lashing that turned into a myriad of tangentially related issues.
KANAYA: Yes, I Would Agree
DAVE: ok cool just gonna pretend thats not vague as shit
DAVE: so how the fuck did he pass out???
ROSE: It’s difficult to explain unless you were there to witness it first hand.
KANAYA: I Can Only Describe The Movement He Made As Some Sort Of Implosive Back Bend?
ROSE: Which lead to his cranium making sweet sweet contact with the ground beneath us.
KANAYA: And Now Here We Are.

You all look at Karkat, and he’s still knocked out cold. Oh, and he’s officially started drooling too. Great.

DAVE: okay
DAVE: so is he in a fucking coma or some shit?
DAVE: or is this a troll related thing
KANAYA: I Am Unaware How This Situation Would Be Different For The Human Species?
KANAYA: Simply Put, He Just Hit His Head Really Fucking Hard.
ROSE: I have a feeling his sleep deprivation is having an impact on this as well.
DAVE: okay cool
DAVE: whew i was stressed the fuck out there for a second
KANAYA: If It Helps You Feel Better, I Have A Strong Suspicion This Has Happened Before, As Karkat Is Quite Prone To Fits Of Rage Similar To This.
DAVE: tell me about it
DAVE: dude nearly popped a blood vessel when he heard that crossroads bombed in theaters back on earth
DAVE: poor guy doesnt even know britney spears made music yet
ROSE: And whose fault is that exactly?
DAVE: no idea
DAVE: but if karkat asks you who she is tell her shes the first female astronaut
ROSE: Noted.
ROSE: Luckily for us, I had a vision earlier today, and Karkat was alive and well from what I could see.
DAVE: oh shit youre getting your fortune teller powers back??
KANAYA: That Is Quite The Positive Revelation My Dear!
DAVE: yeah we should be celebrating dude
KANAYA: I Can Make Celebratory Hats For The Occasion!
ROSE: …
DAVE: you good dude?
ROSE: I think I’m going to go lay down, I just…
ROSE: Never mind.
ROSE: Sorry.
KANAYA: Oh.
KANAYA: Safe Travels.
DAVE: bye i guess?

Rose quickly makes her way to the transportalizer, rubbing her temples in exasperation. The moment she leaves, it takes less than a second for you and Kanaya to look at each other.

DAVE: did i do something?
DAVE: this is my fault isnt it
KANAYA: No.
KANAYA: If My Assumptions Are Correct, Rose Is Dealing With A Private Matter, But I Can Confirm That She Is Not Mad At Anyone In Particular, Much Less You or I.
DAVE: thats good i guess
DAVE: is everything okay with her?
KANAYA: Yes, Sh-
KARKAT: MMMRPHHM
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: you waking up?
KARKAT: ……
KARKAT: (hmmph)
DAVE: great talking to you too dude
DAVE: hes always been a man of a few words
KANAYA: If That Was A Sincere Statement, I Am Beginning To Wonder If You Two Truly Know Each Other.
DAVE: ha sick burn
DAVE: i think im just gonna take him to my room and keep an eye on him
KANAYA: That Would Probably Be The Best Course Of Action.
KANAYA: Dave May I Ask You A Question?
DAVE: sure man whatever you want
KANAYA: Is Karkat Doing Alright? He Has Possessed Quite A Negative And Anxious Head Space These Past Few Days.
KANAYA: Well, More Than Usual That Is.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: i think this is private shit too? idk
DAVE: he should be good after some sleep though
DAVE: maybe even some extra bro time is the secret cure hes needed all along
KANAYA: Yes, As They Say, Time Heals All Wounds, Both Literally And Figuratively In This Instance.
DAVE: heh
DAVE: true

You look over, and Karkat has somewhat curled up, now laying on his side.

DAVE: believe it or not ive never seen him sleep yet
DAVE: he really fucking loves yalls slime cocoons
KANAYA: I See.
DAVE: hes just so fuckin cute like this man
DAVE: i wanna just

You run the back of your hand across Karkat’s cheek, only to get no response from him. His skins feels surprisingly smooth, and the fine hairs on face feel so… soft.

DAVE: youll be back to normal soon enough dude i promise

KANAYA: I Hate To Interrupt This Um, Tender Moment?
KANAYA: But You See, I Have A Feeling I Should Go Check On Rose.
DAVE: okay cool
DAVE: i can take care of karkat in the meantime
DAVE: dr strider is coming in clutch for his best bro
DAVE: if he doesnt wake up soon ill carry him or some shit
KANAYA: Perfect, It Seems You Have This Situation Under Control Then. I Appreciate You For Your Assistance.
DAVE: no problemo
DAVE: make sure you get some rest too man
DAVE: cant have everyone skipping out on their shuteye or well just end up looking like a bunch of fucking zombies by the end of the week
KANAYA: I Agree, Thank You For Your Concerns.
KANAYA: Either Way, Farewell For Now Dave.
DAVE: aight see you later dude

Kanaya makes her way onto the transportalizer rather quickly, so you look back down at Karkat. He’s managed to grab one of your pants legs in his sleep while you weren’t paying attention. So cute.

DAVE: hey man are you awake?
KARKAT: …

You poke his shoulder a few times.

DAVE: cmon dude
DAVE: are we gonna have to do this the hard way?
KARKAT: …
DAVE: figures
DAVE: hey wait a minute
DAVE: you cant hear me at all can you?
KARKAT: …
DAVE: say nothing if i can tell you something
KARKAT: …
KARKAT: …
DAVE: ok cool
DAVE: this is so weird
DAVE: but uh
DAVE: i kinda want to get this off my chest while youre asleep?
DAVE: talking about emotional stuff isnt my forte i need more practice
KARKAT: …
DAVE: karkat i really like you
DAVE: i like you so much i dont understand it
DAVE: its fucking weird
DAVE: like johns my best bro and so are you
DAVE: but with you its just so…
DAVE: different
KARKAT: …
DAVE: hell the mayor is probably the single fucking coolest guy i know, and i like you more
DAVE: i dont get it its fucking confusing man
KARKAT: …
DAVE: …
DAVE: i liked the kiss
DAVE: youre a GREAT kisser btw
DAVE: but i dont think im ready… for like any of this
DAVE: you deserve better than me
DAVE: you fucking deserve to have someone who can just scream how much they love you from the rooftops!
DAVE: and im just… not there yet
DAVE: im sorry man
DAVE: i really want kiss again
DAVE: like really bad
DAVE: so bad i would sacrifice my limited edition niche 90s band merch you dont even know about
DAVE: so bad that-
DAVE: huh?

Karkat’s loose grip on your pants has turned rather tight, with his hand fully clenched on to the fabric, and pulling you closer. Wait a minute. Is he…? No. There’s no way.

DAVE: kk?

He lets out a quiet grunt in response while both of his eyes begin to open ever so slightly. It’s impossible to gauge how conscious he even is at the moment. You can only assume not very.

DAVE: uh
DAVE: haha
DAVE: wait you didnt catch any of that did you?
DAVE: (pleasesaynopleasesayno)

Rather than giving a verbal response, or even another grunt, Karkat simply grabs your hand, and it tugs it down, so you oblige him by taking a knee.

DAVE: …
DAVE: karkat…

His hand moves from your hand, to your cheek, and he starts to rub a small circle into your face. You’re frozen in place, stuck in some sort of homosexual trance, while you both smile at each other like two idiots. You could stay like this for hours, just staring at each other.

Karkat taps the frame of your shades.

DAVE: want me to take these off?
DAVE: i can

Your moirail nods ever so slightly, so you set your shades aside. Is moirail even the right word to describe your relationship anymore? Definitely not. Either way, Karkat is starting to grin from ear to hear, while his eyes still look glossed over. God you love his eyes. This is officially a deep sea dive into undiscovered levels of gayness. Next thing you know, Karkat’s grabbing your shirt, pulling you in, puckering his lips, and… wow.

The first kiss you two shared felt awkward, like trying to navigate a car you’ve never driven. It was soft and trepidatious. This kiss however, is as impassioned as it is immediate. You barely have time to catch your breath, before Karkat pulls you in for another. He’s gripping you with a surprising amount of strength, all things considered.

It’s impossible to think about anything outside of this room. In this moment, it truly feels like you’re the only two people in all of paradox space.

Well, until the transportalizer activates behind you, and you’re not suddenly not alone anymore.

Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck! SHIT!

You practically jump out of your skin, and duck to the floor.

KANAYA: Don’t Mind Me I Just Forgot To Grab My-
KANAYA: Um…
KANAYA: Dave? Are You Looking For Something?
DAVE: hahahaha yeah
DAVE: lost my shades over here duh thats totally what im doing
DAVE: woah here they are! haha
DAVE: who would have thought huh??

You’re still crouched in front of the couch, poorly attempting to throw your shades on. Great. This is totally perfect. When they finally make their way onto your face, you jolt up to face Kanaya.

DAVE: see?
DAVE: nothing weird to see here
DAVE: just a man and his shades
KANAYA: Right. Totally, Whatever You Say. I Have Absolutely No Reason To Assume Otherwise.
DAVE: yeah totally is right
DAVE: were totally fucking totaled to the brim in this bitch
DAVE: totaled like a 2004 ford mustang tboned by a fucking monster truck 16 wheeler hydrid you feel me
KANAYA: Um, No. I Do Not “Feel” You. Quite Frankly, I Cannot Even Understand A Greater Part Of What You Just Said.
KANAYA: Honestly, I Just Left This Room In A Haste, Thus Forgetting My Book, So I Am Just Going To Grab That, And Leave.
DAVE: oh okay
DAVE: sorry to interrupt
KANAYA: No Apologies Are Necessary.

Kanaya walks over to the makeshift bookcase next you, with a suspicious look on her face, and plucks a thick hardcover book off a shelf. You decide to stay as silent as possible. Launching your foot straight into your mouth is something you do way too often.

KANAYA: Dave, May I Ask You A Personal Question Before I Go?

Damn it. Guess you have to talk after all.

DAVE: uh sure?
DAVE: whats up
KANAYA: Pardon My Rather Blunt Wording, But You Have Some Sort Infatuation With Karkat, Don’t You?

Your entire body tenses up. Silence fills the air as you try to form a response, failing miserably.

KANAYA: Listen, I Am Not Trying To Pry You Out Of A Closet Of Heterosexuality, Or However The Saying Goes, I Just Want To Provide Some Advice.
DAVE: …
KANAYA: Karkat May Be Hotheaded A Majority Of The Time, But He Really Bottles Up His Emotions To A Toxic Extent.
KANAYA: It Reminds Me Of Someone Else I Know.
KANAYA: I Will Let You Come To Your Own Conclusions As To Whom I’m Referring To.
DAVE: …
KANAYA: Either Way, Do Not Forget Our Mortality Will Be Put To The Test At The End Of This Journey.
KANAYA: I Do Not Want To Appear As A “Debbie Downer”, But The Potential Time We Have Left Together Is Rapidly Decreasing As We Near Our Arrival.
DAVE: …
KANAYA: What I Am Saying Is, If You Harbor Any Feelings, Be They Positive, Negative, Or Just Plain Stupid, Voice Them Now When You Have The Chance.
KANAYA: There Are So Many Conversations I Wish I Could Have Had Before… Everything Happened The Way That It Did.
DAVE: …
DAVE: im sorry for your loss man
DAVE: this shit fucking sucks
DAVE: were supposed to be normal kids right now
DAVE: or normal teenagers i guess
KANAYA: I Agree, But Our Shared Sentiments Don’t Change The Existence Of Our Reality, Unfortunately.

Karkat shifts on to his back and grumbles a bit, grabbing both of your attention for a second. Guess he actually managed to fall back asleep during all of this?

DAVE: im planning on telling him btw
DAVE: i just dont know how i feel and its making this bullshit way fucking harder
DAVE: like what if i tell him what i want, and he doesnt want it too? or what if change my mind about what i want, and then that pisses him off more? so much could go wrong
KANAYA: Dave, Karkat Would Do Anything For You, To An Almost Surprising Degree. Back On Our Home Planet, He Was A Tad Bit Self Centered, As If His Whole World Revolved Around Him And His Blood Color.
KANAYA: Now, He Frets Over You Like A Newly Hatched Grub, And Goes Out Of His Way To Check On Me As Well. It’s Quite Sweet Actually.
KANAYA: What I’m Trying To Say Is: I Cannot Imagine A World Where One Conversation Would Have A Devastating Impact On The Bond You Two Share.
KANAYA: Don’t Let The Opportunity Pass You By, You’ll Regret It.
DAVE: guess youre right…
DAVE: id be chatting the dude up rn if he wasnt pulling a sleeping beauty on my ass
DAVE: also
DAVE: did rose tell you about this???
KANAYA: No. Did You Tell Her To Do So?
DAVE: oh
DAVE: never mind then i guess?
DAVE: i appreciate you either way man
DAVE: now if you excuse me i have to lug this dude across the ship
KANAYA: Alright. Once Again, Thank You For Your Assistance.
DAVE: anytime maryam

You let out a deep sigh as Kanaya leaves. It’s gonna be a long walk back to your room.

Chapter Text

Turns out, carrying Karkat isn’t nearly as hard as you first expected. Go figure.

The real problem, is trying to think straight while Karkat’s in your arms. He’s still knocked out somehow, and the anticipation for your next conversation is killing you. If he initiated the kiss, then that means he understands how you feel, right? There’s still a small chance he didn’t hear you, but then again, why the hell would he just kiss you out of the blue?

Why can’t this shit be less confusing???

“Dave, Karkat Would Do Anything For You … I Cannot Imagine A World Where One Conversation Would Have A Devastating Impact On The Bond You Two Share.”

Those words keep echoing through your mind, over and over again. Kanaya’s known Karkat since they were kids, so maybe she knows something you don’t? Sure, Karkat takes care of you when you’re sick, calms you down when you get upset, remembers every movie like to watch, irregardless of quality, and…

Oh. Yeah, she’s definitely got a point there. So that means Karkat must have heard you then. Right?

By the time you’ve entered your bedroom, your brain feels double battered and deep fried, like a funnel cake from the Houston Rodeo. Which speaking of, you still haven’t eaten today, so maybe you should fix that? Then again, you shouldn’t leave Karkat alone when he’s practically comatose, but… a quick little trip to the kitchen won’t hurt him, hopefully.

Once Karkat’s properly tucked into your bed, kiss on the forehead included, you rush to the kitchen and back, just to make sure he doesn’t wake up without you. A random assortment of snacks can tide you over for the time being.

At first, you finish your makeshift meal rather quickly, expecting Karkat to wake up at any moment. When he doesn’t, you decide to work on some music, in an attempt to take your mind off of things. It can’t be that much longer, right?

Wrong. So completely wrong.

A few more hours pass, and nothing changes. Should you shake him and see if he’ll wake up? Definitely not. Karkat needs his rest, but like, how much rest? If he sleeps in too late, could something terrible happen instead? You have absolutely no idea.

Maybe what you really need to do right now is take a shower. A long and cold one. Preferably with no gay thoughts, or Karkat related anxiety either.

If only you could be so lucky.

Showering is a necessity though, so you go ahead and do that, and then change into shorts that can somewhat function as pajamas. Guess you never really had a reason to make actual PJs, or most clothes for that matter. Oh, and now that you think about it, you should probably take your shades off too. Either way, when you’re officially bathed and ready for bed, Karkat’s still knocked out under your blanket, and completely taking up most place on the bed. It’d be cute if it wasn’t so inconvenient. Okay, maybe it’s a little cute, but you gotta sleep too, and the couch isn’t cutting it.

DAVE: hey kk
DAVE: wake up or scoot over dude

No response, as expected. You go ahead and try pushing him over a bit now too.

DAVE: seriously dawg
DAVE: im sleepy as shit
KARKAT: HMMMMPHHH.
DAVE: dude i need room too!
DAVE: its ass oclock kk just scoot like two inches
DAVE: pleaseee
KARKAT: URRRREEGGGHHH.

As per usual, despite how grumpy Karkat sounds, he’s still a total pushover, and quite literally in this instance. There’s just enough room for the two of you now, but not much more. Oh well, guess you’ll have to cuddle your more-than-best-bro to sleep then. How terrible. Dastardly, even.

Sliding under the covers, you quickly press yourself against him, and wrap your arm over his waist. The relaxation hits you immediately, and judging by Karkat’s sigh of relief, he feels the same way too. The warmth from his body is more comforting than any blanket you’ve ever felt. You both fit together like a goddamn lego set, and it’s heavenly.

It doesn’t much time to fall asleep. As you drift off, your anxieties start to fade away one by one. All you two need is one more conversation, and every night can be like this, once and for all. There’s nothing you want more than that.

DAVE: waking up next to you is gonna be so epic
DAVE: gn man

And then you plant one last kiss on his shoulder. Maybe you’re tripping, but you swear you hear Karkat mumble good night back as you pass out.

KARKAT: DUDE WAKE UP!
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY STRIDER, I CANNOT GET UP UNTIL YOUR BITCHASS GETS OFF OF ME!!!
KARKAT: mmmmmph
DAVE: wha
DAVE: oh shit

You open your eyes, and quickly realize your head is on Karkat’s chest, with your arm and leg draped over him as well. Oh shit. The two of you separate in an instant, completely jolting you awake in the process.

KARKAT: UGGGHHHHHHH.
KARKAT: REMIND ME TO NEVER FUCKING TALK TO MY DANCESTOR AGAIN UNLESS MY LIFE DEPENDS ON IT.
KARKAT: AND IF MY LIFE *ACTUALLY* DEPENDS ON IT, EUTHANIZE ME FASTER THAN A THREE LEGGED BARKBEAST WITH MOUTHFOAM DISEASE. I’M SURE THAT WOULD BE MORE TOLERABLE.
DAVE: wait
DAVE: so you remember yesterday?
KARKAT: OF COURSE I FUCKING DO!
DAVE: oh
KARKAT: I NEVER WANT ANY OF THAT HORRID SHIT TO HAPPEN AGAIN, SO HELP ME GOG.

Wait, what?

DAVE: …like any of it?
KARKAT: NO, NOT A SINGLE FUCKING MOMENT.

Oh. That’s…. not what you expected to hear.

KARKAT: LOOK DAVE, I REALLY WANNA STAY, BUT…
DAVE: nah dont force yourself
DAVE: i understand
DAVE: im good
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE?
KARKAT: I REALLY DON’T MIND. I KNOW YOU’RE HURT TOO.
DAVE: no man i get it
DAVE: do your thing
DAVE: im fine i promise
KARKAT: DUDE THAT IS THE LAST FUCKING THING THAT PEOPLE WHO ARE “FINE” SAY.
DAVE: well karkat
DAVE: if it really was bothering me, i would say something, you know?
KARKAT: I *HATE* WHEN YOU USE MY OWN LOGIC AGAINST ME, BUT YEAH, I GET IT.
DAVE: lmao
DAVE: stop being so goddamn logical all the time then and i wont be working with all this material

Karkat rolls his eyes.

KARKAT: WHATEVER YOU SAY DUDE.
KARKAT: CAN I GET UP NOW PLEASE? YOU’RE BLOCKING THE WAY.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: yeah my bad

You sit up and scoot over, hanging your feet off the bed. Karkat slides by, puts his shoes back on, and walks over to the door, all while you sit in silence, refusing to make direct eye contact.

KARKAT: DUDE ARE YOU GOOD?
KARKAT: YOU’RE ACTING WEIRD AS SHIT.
DAVE: i said im fine man! jesus christ

Oh god. Why did you say that? The words just flew out of you.

KARKAT: OKAY! SORRY FOR FUCKING CARING I GUESS.
DAVE: …

There’s nothing productive you can add to the conversation at this point. What are you supposed to do, beg on your hands and knees? Just stare at the floor and get over it already.

KARKAT: LOOK, I KNOW THINGS HAVE BEEN WEIRD. BUT ACTING LIKE ITS NOT WEIRD, IS EVEN *MORE* FUCKING WEIRD, SO-
DAVE: then get the hell out of my room!
KARKAT: DUDE, WHAT THE *FUCK* IS YOUR PROBLEM???
DAVE: how many times do i have to have to say i am okay for you to get it???
DAVE: just leave me alone for a sec!
DAVE: all i want is some space dude
KARKAT: OKAY FINE!
KARKAT: FUCK YOU TOO THEN!
DAVE: whatever
DAVE: who cares
KARKAT: *I* CARE! AND YOU SHOULD TOO YOU ASSHOLE!
KARKAT: LOOK, I DON’T KNOW WHY YOU’RE BITCHING ME OUT RIGHT NOW, BUT IF YOU WANNA USE YOUR WORDS INSTEAD OF ACTING LIKE A SACK OF SHIT, I’LL SEE YOU IN CAN TOWN.
KARKAT: YOU CAN THROW YOUR LITTLE BITCHFIT IN THE MEANTIME.

You don’t even bother responding. What’s the point? Would it change anything?

DAVE: …
DAVE: …
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE. BE LIKE THAT. I DON’T CARE! LOOK AT HOW MUCH I’M *NOT* CARING ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT NOW!
KARKAT: I’M HERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU DECIDE TO CHILL THE FUCK OUT.
DAVE: thanks, i guess
DAVE: bye
KARKAT: OH FUCK OFF.

And with a slam of the door, Karkat is gone. He has to fucking hate you now. There’s no way.

Who the hell does that though? He couldn’t have decided to say he felt this way sooner?? Like why wait until now, after going out of his way to kiss you and everything??? None of this makes sense!

You kick an empty trash can across your room, and the anger hasn’t left your body in any substantial way. Next, you aim for the bed frame, and-

FUCK.

Your entire foot shoots up in pain.

Why the hell did you do that???

It seemed so logical in the moment, like kicking a giant hunk of metal is a surefire stress relief method. Now, you’re gripping your goddamn shin like Peter fucking Griffin, with all the bitching and moaning included. What has your life come to???

Tears start to form in the corners of your eyes. Oh no. No no no no no no no. You are not crying today. Men don’t cry, and men especially don’t cry over stupid gay bullshit like this. Quit being such a pussy and just get over it already! Stop being such an emotional faggot! There’s no use wasting your time getting all sensitive over this.

Instead, you slowly walk over to your bathroom, ignoring any pain in your foot, get dressed, and put on your shades. Who cares about your foot? Nobody’s supposed to see you cry, a foot injury is nothing. No big deal. Dave Strider has walked off way worse injuries than a stubbed toe. Maybe breakfast will help? You haven’t really been eating right these past couple of days, and it’s not like you have anything better to do

Well, you could always go to Can Town.

Nah, fuck that. God bless him, but even The Mayor couldn’t make you want to be in the same room as Karkat today. So food it is then.

As you make your way down the halls, you’re starting to realize you might have the most painful stubbed toe in all of toe injury history. It’s hard to even walk on your right foot. By the time you’re in the common area, it’s totally throbbing, and even worse, Terezi, Vriska, and Kanaya are all in the room as well. Fuckkkkk.

They’re all sat at the table, standing in the way between you and your sweet private meal time.

TEREZI: WHY H3LL0 D4V3 >8]
TEREZI: H3H3H3H3H3H3
TEREZI: GU355 WH0’5 1N CH4RG3 0F TH3 P4RTY D3C0R4T10N B04RD???
DAVE: dunno
DAVE: harriet tubman?
TEREZI: N0, TH4T W0ULD B3 STUP1D >8/
TEREZI: 1T 1S M3, T3R3Z1, WH0 1S 1N CH4RG3 0F-
DAVE: look dude i get it
DAVE: no offense but i really just want to eat and leave
TEREZI: F1N3, BUT 1 H0P3 Y0U KN0W TH4T Y0UR V0T1NG 5T4TU5 H4S B33N R3V0K3D UNT1L FURTH3R N0T1C3 B3C4U53 0F TH4T C0MM3NT >8[
DAVE: okay cool fine whatever
VRISKA: Awwwwwwww Dave doesn’t wanna come sit with us? ::::’(
DAVE: …
VRISKA: What? Are you ditching us like you ditch all of our meetings???????? Color me surprised!
DAVE: vriska i seriously dont have time for your bullshit today
VRISKA: Yeah, and your lack of time for my “8ullshit” is exactly why I’m 8ringing this up!
VRISKA: I don’t understand why you’re 8eing so com8ative. We’re supposed to 8e a team, remem8er?
DAVE: this
DAVE: this is exactly why im being combative
VRISKA: Whatever happened to the COOL Dave, who kicked ass and took names? You remem8er that?
VRISKA: You used to 8e this amazing hero and now you’re just lamey lame lame!
DAVE: like i said, im not feeding into this utter bullshit rn
DAVE: see ya

Fuck this. You turn around, forgoing any chance of eating, but right before you can walk away, Vriska says:

VRISKA: I’m 8eing serious! Has all that time with Karkat made you go soft?
DAVE: what
KANAYA: Vriska, That’s Enough.
DAVE: you know what no keep going
TEREZI: D4V3 >8/
VRISKA: Your little moirail with 8enefits told us a8out how he dumped you when he stormed through here earlier!
DAVE: wait what the fuck

Your head whips back around to the table.

DAVE: did he seriously tell you about that???
VRISKA: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: No, 8ut you totally fell for the 8ait!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: Getting dumped 8y KARKAT VANTAS? You really ARE a loser and a weakling after all AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
VRISKA: I can’t 8reathe!!!!!!!!

That’s it. That’s the final straw. You storm over to the table, foot pain be damned. All gloves are off now.

DAVE: oh wow the pirate larper with only one friend thinks IM the loser??
DAVE: btw mike tyson called, he wants the gay ass lisp back when youre done with it
KANAYA: Everyone Can We Please Calm Down For Just A Second?
TEREZI: S3R10U5LY GUY5, I5 TH15 R3ALLY N3C3SSARY? >8/
VRISKA: Oh so I’M the homosexual one here? You wouldn’t 8e a8le to recognize projection if it slapped you across the face!
VRISKA: Face it Dave, you’re a total 8itch now, and everyone knows it.
DAVE: what youre doing right now is the actual dictionary definition of projecting!
DAVE: you know whats bitchy?
DAVE: murder you fucking asshole!
VRISKA: Whatever!!!!!!!! You tooooooootally knew exactly which 8itch I meant! >::::(
VRISKA: At least my personality doesn’t scream “I won’t lose my virginity till I’m 10 sweeps old”!
DAVE: at least i have a personality aside from dying and bullying people into liking me!
VRISKA: Right, and how many friends did you make 8ack on Earth? Oh yeah, that’s right, THR88!!!!!!!! And only one of them is here! So how’s TH8T working out for you? H8H???
TEREZI: GUY5 KN0CK 1T 0FF ALREADY!!!
DAVE: oh yeah well at least the ONE guy i like is isnt fucking dead!!!
DAVE: what are your mind manipulation powers gonna bring him back???

The whole room goes quiet, and you slowly realize the words that came out of your mouth.

Oh god. Why the fuck would you even say that???

KANAYA: I Think Both Of You Need To Leave.
KANAYA: Now.
DAVE: …
VRISKA: Whaaaaaaaat???????? Dave is the one making this way too personal, not me!
VRISKA: I’m just providing constructive criticism to help us grow! As a team, remem8er?
TEREZI: VR1SK4, JU5T 5T0P >8|
VRISKA: Well I’m not leaving till HE leaves! How am I on the same level as HIM all of a sudden?
DAVE: …
DAVE: kanaya im sorry
DAVE: i shouldnt have-
KANAYA: Not Now Dave.

Kanaya turns towards you, and oh god, she isn’t fucking around at all. Her glare cuts through you deeper than a thousand daggers ever could.

DAVE: i…
DAVE: okay
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: im so sorry

Not knowing what else to do, your brain kicks into autopilot. It’s time to get the hell out of here. Suddenly, you’re turning around, and running back to your room, and god damn your toe still hurts. It hurts so fucking bad.

As you run back down the hall, your chest only gets tighter, and your breathing becomes more and more labored with each second. Ashamed doesn’t even begin to describe the emotions you’re experiencing right now. Guilt? Embarrassment? Panic???

All of the above are correct, too correct even. By the time you make it into the room, your throat is drying up, almost like you’re being choked. Every breath feels more impossible than the last, and tears are beginning to run down your cheeks.

Everyone hates you, all of them. They hate you so fucking bad you might as well just die. Maybe that would make them less mad at you? Just fucking disappearing.

Next thing you know, your heart is beating so hard that your entire chest is shooting up in pain, and the room feels like it’s shrinking around you, trapping you in. Why why why why why??? You need to get out of here now, but where can you even go? Back to Can Town with Karkat?

Why fuck can you not just stop thinking about Karkat??? Get over-

KARKAT: DAVE? ARE YOU IN THERE OR NOT???

What the hell? Karkat? What’s he doing here?

Before you can walk over, he opens the door himself, and slowly steps into your room, while looking you up and down with the same level of trepidation. His eyes focus on your face, more specifically your cheeks. Is this the first time he’s ever seen you cry? After an unbearable amount of silence, you both make eye contact again.

KARKAT: I WAS KNOCKING FOR AT LEAST TWO OR THREE MINUTES, DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT HEAR ME?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: …
DAVE: would you believe me if i said no
KARKAT: LOOK, DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON WITH YOU?
DAVE: damn not even gonna add a no offense?
KARKAT: I’M BEING SERIOUS!!!
KARKAT: THIS ISN’T SOME FUCKING JOKE OKAY?
DAVE: good
DAVE: thatd be a pretty shitty joke
KARKAT: STOP! STOP WITH THAT PETTY BULLSHIT!
KARKAT: IS THIS ALL BECAUSE YOU GOT INTO A FIGHT WITH VRISKA? OR ARE-
KARKAT: WAIT.
KARKAT: WHY IS YOUR FOOT BLEEDING?
DAVE: oh
DAVE: uh
DAVE: long story
DAVE: stubbed it pretty bad
KARKAT: AND IT BLED THAT MUCH? BULLSHIT.
DAVE: look its really not-
KARKAT: LET ME SEE IT.
DAVE: dude i know it looks bad-
KARKAT: DAVE. I GET IT. YOU’RE PISSED AT ME, AND JUST ABOUT EVERYBODY ELSE I FUCKING GUESS, BUT PLEASE LET ME *HELP* YOU FOR SINGLE SECOND!
DAVE: …
DAVE: okay
DAVE: im sorry

He’s right. You’re not in any position to deny his request. It’s not like you’d want anyone else in here silently judging you. So you concede, limp over to the bed, carefully take your shoe off, and-

Oh god. That’s definitely not a stubbed toe. At least a third of your sock is coated in blood. As you carefully peel it off of your foot, it’s becoming more and more obvious that you broke your toes. Two of them are purple, and swollen twice their size, while the rest of your foot is varying shades of tomato red and piss yellow. And the worst part: there’s blood everywhere. The bottom side of your foot is covered from the sole to the toes, and the top side doesn't look much better.

KARKAT: HOLY SHIT-
KARKAT: THE TOENAILS TOO-
KARKAT: OH MY G-

Karkat slams his hands over his mouth, clearly trying to hide the fact he’s gagging. This is so embarrassing. Why did this have to happen today of all days??? Talk about prodding an open wound.

After regaining his composure, Karkat says:

KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK WERE YOU WALKING ON THIS???
KARKAT: I’M GETTING ROSE OR KANAYA.
DAVE: wait please dont
KARKAT: DUDE STOP FIGHTING ME ON THIS! I’M TRYING TO-
DAVE: then fucking listen to me for two seconds! jesus christ dude its MY foot
KARKAT: …
DAVE: look
DAVE: can you just trust me for sec? i promise i know what im talking about
KARKAT: …
DAVE: OKAY. FINE. WHATEVER. DON’T COME CRYING TO ME IF WE HAVE TO AMPUTATE IT.
DAVE: sounds like weve got a deal
DAVE: thanks i guess
DAVE: uh
DAVE: could you carry me to the bathtub then?
KARKAT: …YEAH. I CAN DO THAT.

Chapter Text

DAVE: FUCK
DAVE: (this shit hurts so fucking bad…)

You’re seated on the outside edge of your tub, gripping onto it for dear life, tense knuckles and all. The scent of the room could only be described as hospital-like, but then again, it’s not like you’ve ever been in one of those. Maybe they smell less chemically then they looked on TV?

Karkat’s kneeled down in front of you, carefully wiping off all of the blood and dirt caked onto your foot. His movements are slow and methodical, clearly taking great care to make this situation as painless as possible, with abysmal levels of success. A bowl of water is placed under your foot, and the once clear liquid has officially become a stomach churning combination of revolting red and murky brown.

And throughout this entire process, Karkat hasn’t said a single goddamn word. Nada. Zilch. Brows furrowed, he’s clearly in deep thought, but it’s impossible to tell about what the hell is even on his mind. Well… besides you, and how much he probably hates you right now. Maybe analyzing his face isn’t the right move today. Not that groaning and moaning like a fucking Scooby Doo monster is helping either.

The two of you might as well be playing a game of non-verbal chicken. There’s basically an entire stampede of elephants in the room that neither of you are willing to address. By the time he’s satisfied with his cleaning, and after simmering in more than enough awkward silence, Karkat finally breaks the layer of ice standing in between you two.

KARKAT: SO…
KARKAT: HOW THE HELL DID THIS HAPPEN?
DAVE: …
DAVE: kicked my bed
KARKAT: ON PURPOSE???
DAVE: uh
DAVE: …
DAVE: kinda yeah
KARKAT: CAN I ASK WHY?
DAVE: …
DAVE: no
KARKAT: OKAY, FINE. COOL. GREAT!
KARKAT: THEN WHAT HAPPENED WITH VRISKA?
DAVE: …
DAVE: …
DAVE: can we just… talk about this later or something?
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WON’T YOU TALK TO ME?
KARKAT: DID I FUCKING DO SOMETHING???
DAVE: im talking to you right now
KARKAT: STOP WITH THIS STUPID FUCKING COY BULLSHIT! GENUINELY ANSWER THE QUESTION OR I WILL BREAK THE REST OF YOUR BULGE PRONGS RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR TO GOG.
DAVE: karkat its not that simple-
KARKAT: YES IT IS!
KARKAT: WE’RE MOIRAILS, TALKING TO EACH OTHER IS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF THIS SHIT!
KARKAT: AND YOU CAN PRETEND YOU DON’T WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT ALL FUCKING NIGHT, BUT YOU KNOW DAMN WELL THIS IS JUST ISN’T FUCKING NORMAL!!!

You let out a groan deep from your core, and when you look back up, Karkat’s eyes are watering just like they were during your first argument. Oh no fuck fuck fuck. Why the fuck are you guys always fighting like this now? He’s right, this shit isn’t normal. At all. And in the end… if you don’t open up now, you probably never will. How the hell do people get so good at this communication bullshit? Talking about their feelings???

Okay, yeah, it’s probably by talking about their feelings, but that’s a concept that got beat out of you before you were hooked on phonics. Fucking society man. Being a human fucking sucks. No, being a person fucking sucks.

You gotta make this right, Karkat doesn’t deserve being treated like shit cause he turned you down. That’s incel behavior. Let’s see if you can manage something better this time.

DAVE: i…
DAVE: im sorry man
DAVE: im just upset okay?
DAVE: look im not trying to make excuses or anything thats just how i feel
DAVE: i love how fucking pushy you are its whats makes you a good leader
DAVE: and a good partner
DAVE: but sometimes a guy just needs a moment to wallow in peace
DAVE: the privacy isnt personal i fucking promise
DAVE: i swear to god and everything i hold dear or whatever
DAVE: i… need you in my life
DAVE: and im sorry it doesnt seem that way on account of me making a huge ass of myself
DAVE: and im sorry i totally tweaked out on you this morning
DAVE: you deserve better than that
DAVE: …
KARKAT: SHIT… I DIDN’T EVEN EXPECT ALL THAT. DAMN. THANK YOU.
KARKAT: APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
KARKAT: AND I’M UH… SORRY I’VE BEEN YELLING AT YOU SO MUCH. YOU JUST LIKE- REALLY FUCKING HURT MY FEELINGS, AND THAT MADE ME FLY OFF THE KNOB DEVICE AND ACT LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING IMMATURE DIPSHIT. I SHOULD’VE JUST RESPECTED YOUR BOUNDARIES MORE.
DAVE: shit
DAVE: i kind of need someone in my boundaries rn
KARKAT: YEAH, YOU DO, BUT THE WAY I WENT ABOUT IT COULD’VE BEEN BETTER.
KARKAT: HONESTLY ALL I DID WAS MAKE THE SITUATION WORSE. SLAMMING DOORS AND ALL THAT SHIT. THAT’S FUCKING GRUBISH BEHAVIOR.
DAVE: yeah…
DAVE: damn thank you for saying that actually
DAVE: boom apology accepted
KARKAT: SO…
KARKAT: *NOW* CAN I ASK WHY ARE YOU’RE UPSET? BESIDES THE PRIVATE STUFF.
DAVE: do you want the full list or…?
KARKAT: I’M SURE THE ABBREVIATED VERSION WILL SUFFICE.

Karkat rolls his eyes with that last comment, getting something like a chuckle out of you in response. Oh, and he didn’t up crying after all. Score. Maybe opening up more isn’t so bad? It’s worth a shot, long as you don’t tell him about your big fat crush or anything. Some lingering feelings should be kept inside. Plus, that’ll definitely go away soon, no point in rubbing salt in the wound, especially while treating your actual wounds for fuck’s sake. There is one thing you could start with though…

DAVE: its stupid
DAVE: promise you wont laugh
KARKAT: ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?
DAVE: dead serious
DAVE: i wont even make a earth reference or corny dick joke rn
KARKAT: DAMN.
KARKAT: FINE, I PROMISE I WONT UTTER SO MUCH AS A SINGLE FUCKING CHUCKLE. IT’S NOT LIKE THIS IS A PARTICULARLY *HILARIOUS* MOMENT OF OUR LIVES ANYWAYS.
KARKAT: SO… WHAT’S WRONG?
DAVE: …
DAVE: vriska said some shit that really fucked with me
DAVE: a lot of shit
DAVE: fucking bringing up jade and john knowing damn well how much a sore spot that is
DAVE: calling me gay and saying that i want you to be my boyfriend like she even fucking knows what that means
DAVE: oh and tricking me into thinking youre gonna DUMP me in front of everyone
DAVE: like fuck OFF oh my fucking god shes such a huge fucking bitch
DAVE: so i just… snapped
DAVE: and i said something really awful
DAVE: i…
DAVE: …
KARKAT: WHAT? DID YOU BRING UP HER DEAD LUSUS OR SOMETHING?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: well…
DAVE: i kinda brought up your dead friend
DAVE: the one she had a crush on
KARKAT: …OH.
DAVE: dude im SO sorry like im actually fucking mortifyingly embarrassed
DAVE: fucking KANAYA was in the room and the look she gave me…
DAVE: i-
KARKAT: SHHHHHHHH.

Before you can finish that thought, Karkat’s patting your shoulder, then your back. Without even realizing it, your grip on the tub is even stronger than earlier. Shit. Your hands are shaking too. Fuck, your voice was definitely shaking too in hindsight.

KARKAT: HEY, IT’S OKAY.
KARKAT: I GET IT.
DAVE: …but i did something NOT okay man
DAVE: shits so fucked
DAVE: totally not in my character
DAVE: not even the fucking players manual or the little behind the scenes extras
KARKAT: DAVE, EVERYONE KNOWS THAT’S NOT IN YOUR CHARACTER. VRISKA’S WHOLE THING IS GETTING PEOPLE TO STOOP TO HER SHITTY FUCKING LEVEL. THAT’S WHAT GOT HER KILLED IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!
KARKAT: ALSO, TEREZI HAS ACTUALLY TRIED TO KILL HER TOO!! IN FACT, TEREZI HAS KILLED *LOTS* OF PEOPLE, ALL BECAUSE OF VRISKA BEING A TOTAL MANIPULATIVE BULGE CHAFFING BASKET CASE BITCH WHEN WE WERE KIDS!!!
KARKAT: SURE, WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG, BUT BEATING YOURSELF UP ISN’T DOING ANYONE ANY FAVORS. ESPECIALLY WHEN OVER HALF THE PEOPLE ON THIS METEOR HAVE AN ACTUAL FUCKING BODYCOUNT.
DAVE: …over half?
DAVE: wait
DAVE: (1… 2…)
DAVE: are you the fourth one?
KARKAT: FUCK NO, IT’S KANAYA. I’M A TOTAL WRIGGLER WHEN IT COMES TO THAT STUFF.
DAVE: shit
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: damn…
DAVE: …
DAVE: i mean i appreciate you but uh
DAVE: that doesnt make me feel better about me being a piece of shit
DAVE: cant just throw my hands up and be all like
DAVE: “yo you guys have your own issues so fuck off”
DAVE: thats shitty too
KARKAT: DUDE, ARE YOU MAD AT ROSE FOR ALL THAT TERRIBLE SHIT SHE DID IN YOUR SESSION?
DAVE: no but she was kinda in fucking voldemort meets hellraiser mode man
KARKAT: YEAH, AND YOU’RE IN A FUCKING FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE RIGHT NOW. THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AS BEING “IN CONTROL” OR ACTING IN YOUR “TRUE CHARACTER”.
DAVE: i guess…
DAVE: kind of an apples and oranges situation
KARKAT: TO YOU, PROBABLY, BUT FOR ALL OF US WHO KNOW YOU, WE CAN TELL.
KARKAT: I THINK YOU’RE NOT CUTTING ANYONE HERE ENOUGH SLACK, YOURSELF INCLUDED.
KARKAT: WELL, EXCEPT FOR VRISKA, BUT FUCK HER! SHE’S A BITCH BEFORE SHE’S A PERSON. SPITEFUL PETTY BULLSHIT IS MORE IMPORTANT TO HER THAN FUCKING WATER, OR EVEN GOGDAMN OXYGEN AT THIS POINT.
DAVE: heh…
DAVE: i appreciate it man
DAVE: but idk if i agree
KARKAT: JEGUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU ARE MORE THICK HEADED THAN A HORNED UTTERBEAST.
KARKAT: YOU APOLOGIZED, ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, DIDN’T YOU?
DAVE: i…
DAVE: yeah i did
DAVE: wait how did you know that?
DAVE: (fuck did terezi say something…)
KARKAT: NO!
KARKAT: I KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU’RE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON DAVE.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: OH
DAVE: …
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: ok i see what youre saying now…
KARKAT: THANK YOU! FINALLY!
KARKAT: AND FOR THE RECORD, ALL TEREZI SAID WAS “YOU SHOULD GO CHECK ON DAVE”. SHE WAS CONCERNED, NOT FUCKING ANGRY OR TALKING SHIT ABOUT YOU.
KARKAT: WE ALL FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU! A LOT!!!
KARKAT: STOP THINKING EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET YOU OR FUCKING MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING. NOBODY’S DOING THAT!
KARKAT: AND IF THEY DID I WOULD GIVE THEM A PIECE OF MY FUCKING PAN I’LL TELL YOU WHAT.

Goddamn. All that makes you feel a lot better actually. Karkat probably could spend his whole life teaching his own personal therapeutic sermons. You’d even be one of his little apostles. Did they have cool outfits when hanging out with Jesus? You don’t know. It’s not like Bro was Bible thumping you out the womb, or uh, out the meteor. Even he had enough common sense to not do that. Regular thumping was more his thing. Either way, there’s no chance in heaven or hell that Jesus and Judas ever had drip better than your godtier robes.

Judas also probably wasn’t down bad for Jesus the way you are for Karkat. Fuck.

Maybe you should just do more communication now, that was pretty nice.

DAVE: so youre not like… pale dumping me right?
KARKAT: NO! NOT IN A MILLION SWEEPS!
KARKAT: WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT???
DAVE: i could think of a few reasons
KARKAT: YEAH WELL THAT’S ONLY BECAUSE YOU’RE TOO BUSY INTERALIZING YOUR SELF HATRED AND EARTHY ALIEN BULLSHIT TO REALIZE THAT YOU’RE MY BEST FUCKING FRIEND!!!
KARKAT: WHY ELSE WOULD I BE IN THIS GOGDAMN BATHROOM RIGHT NOW???
DAVE: i dunno
DAVE: …
DAVE: my charming good looks maybe?

Now it’s Karkat’s turn to chuckle, while managing to sneak in another eye roll too. You’re totally still sniffling like it’s smack dab in the middle of allergy season, but the smile on his face makes the anxiety inside of you start to dissipate. Of course he’s not breaking up with you. You’re an idiot for even considering it. Have a little faith dude, seriously.

KARKAT: SO… WHAT NOW?
DAVE: i mean i like you too but-
KARKAT: NO! NOT THAT YOU BULGEMUNCHER, I’M TALKING ABOUT YOUR FOOT!
DAVE: haha yeah i totally knew that
DAVE: …
DAVE: have you ever made a splint?
KARKAT: …NO?
DAVE: basically i need you to just tape my fucked up toes to the normal ones
KARKAT: ARE YOU SURE? THAT SEEMS KINDA-
DAVE: kk i thought you said you would trust me here
KARKAT: OKAY! WHATEVER! I’M SHUTTING UP NOW! LOOK AT ME! I’M LISTENING!
DAVE: cool
DAVE: thank you
DAVE: …
DAVE: theres a medical kit under the sink
DAVE: long as the tape and gauze is still in there we should be good?

Thankfully, the supplies are still there after all. After Karkat grabs them, and finally listens to your coaching, it doesn’t take him long to figure everything else out. By the time he’s taping the second broken toe, you’re able to take a backseat, and just watch in silence. Exhaustion is hitting you like a hydroplaned 16-wheeler full of bricks and cement.

It’s hard to explain, but none of this feels like it’s really happening to you, at least in real time anyways. You certainly can feel Karkat’s grasp on your foot, the tape wrapping around your toes, and all the pain that comes with it, yet the feelings are all so… distant. When you look at your foot, it’s almost as if it’s someone else’s all together.

You snap back into reality when Karkat says:

KARKAT: SO…
KARKAT: HOW THE HELL DID YOU LEARN HOW TO DO THIS?
DAVE: oh
DAVE: uh…
DAVE: i had to
DAVE: bro would still fight me with them
DAVE: broken toes and fingers were pansy shit in his eyes
KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: I’M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

Great. As if this conversation couldn’t get anymore bleak.

DAVE: its ok i guess
DAVE: at least it prepared me for the real world
DAVE: whatever the fuck the “real world” even is anymore
KARKAT: IF THAT’S HOW YOU SEE IT, THEN SURE, I GUESS.
DAVE: how do you see it then?
DAVE: oh prophet and ultimate teacher please dole your sage wisdom upon me
KARKAT: LOOK, I JUST DON’T THINK YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT THE SHIT YOUR “BRO” PUT YOU THROUGH LIKE IT WAS SOME NET POSITIVE.
KARKAT: WHAT HE DID WAS FUCKED UP, NOT PRODUCTIVE TO YOUR GROWTH AS A PERSON.
DAVE: yeah well look at me now
DAVE: im alive arent i
KARKAT: THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE ALIVE IS BECAUSE *YOU* HAD TO LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF *YOURSELF*!
KARKAT: NOT BECAUSE OF SOME ANIME ADDICTED MOUTH BREATHING EDGELORD WHO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AS A KID.
KARKAT: END OF STORY.
DAVE: okay but-
KARKAT: NO! NO BUTS. I LISTENED TO YOU, NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.
DAVE: …
KARKAT: DUDE, I’M NOT TRYING TO PUT YOU DOWN OR ANYTHING. I JUST WANT YOU TO STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DESERVED TO BE ABUSED OR SOMETHING. IT’S FUCKING CONCERNING.
DAVE: wait
DAVE: what
DAVE: do i seriously do that?
KARKAT: YES. REGULARLY.
DAVE: how???
KARKAT: BY IMPLYING THAT ASSHOLE IMPROVED YOUR LIFE IN *ANY* ASPECT!
KARKAT: DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK HAVING YOUR BONES BROKEN AT 3 SWEEPS OLD DID ANY GOOD FOR YOU? OR THE STATE OF YOUR HIVE? OR WHEN-
KARKAT: WAIT, ARE YOU CRYING?

Oh shit. Fuck. You are crying.

DAVE: no
DAVE: oh god no
DAVE: oh god oh fuck no no no

This it it. There’s no use fighting it off anymore, despite your best efforts. In a matter of seconds, the slow stream of tears turns into a full on wail fest. Snot drips down your chin and plops onto the bathroom tile. Any attempts to muffle your sobs are completely in vain. If anything, now you sound like an even bigger pathetic mess.

KARKAT: SHIT, I’M SORRY! FUCK DUDE I DIDN’T MEAN TO-
DAVE: no its o-okay
DAVE: youre right…
DAVE: i just-

That’s all you can get out before the next wave of tears washes over you like a tsunami.

You’re so tired of being strong. Everything is weighing down on you all at once. Your shitty childhood. Rose’s drinking. Missing Jade and John. Being friendzoned. Vriska making you act like a total tool. The look on Kanaya’s face. The fact your foot is still fucking throbbing.

It’s too much to handle. Nothing about this is fair. You should be at prom right now, or y’know, at home with actual food on the table. Not puppets, or weapons, just a fucking hot meal. That’s all you want right now.

DAVE: i want my fucking MOM man
DAVE: or my fucking dad i dont fucking CARE ANYMORE
DAVE: WHY IS EVERYTHING *SO* HARD
DAVE: I KEEP TRYING AND TRYING AND TRYING
DAVE: I HAVENT BEEN SAFE, LIKE *EVER*
DAVE: I WAS STEALING FROM THE FUCKING GAS STATION TO EAT! FUCKING 7/11!
DAVE: THIS ISNT FAIR THIS ISNT FUCKING FAIR THISISNTFAIRRRRR WHY WHY WHY!!!!

You bury your face in Karkat’s chest. All you can do is cling on to him for dear life.

God you are acting like such a fucking toddler, it’s embarrassing. All of this is embarrassing. Everything about your life is fucking embarrassing!

KARKAT: LET IT OUT. I UNDERSTAND.

You pull him in as close as you can, gripping the back of his sweater. The next few minutes are a blur. Karkat doesn’t even flinch as you yell into his chest. Quite honestly, you’re not sure what words, or even sounds, are escaping from your throat. While you’re still clinging onto him, Karkat rubs your back, and murmurs the same three words over and over again:

Let it out.

You wish you could just let it out. All of the anger and resentment is flowing through you from head to toe.

Why me?

All of your friends got to have normal childhoods. They never had to starve for days on end, or super glue their open wounds shut, or even fucking do their own laundry, all because of their parents. Well, maybe not Jade, but she was raised by a dog, a goddamn canine, and she didn’t even turn out a quarter of how fucked up you are. Why can’t you just be happy and nice like her??? It’s just a shitty childhood. It happened years ago, on a planet that barely exists anymore.

You go to speak, but instead it’s still coming out way louder than you ever expected:

DAVE: why cant i just get over this already!?! i should have a long time ago
DAVE: im so fucking WEAKKKK
KARKAT: HEY! DAVE, LISTEN TO ME. YOU NEED TO BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF. THERE’S NO WAY YOU “SHOULD” FEEL ABOUT ANY OF THIS.
KARKAT: SHHHHH. IT’S OKAY. EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE OKAY.
DAVE: no its NOT man
KARKAT: YES IT IS!
KARKAT: CAN YOU TRY BREATHING IN AND OUT FOR A SEC?
DAVE: but- but-
KARKAT: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT BUTS? JUST TRY IT.
KARKAT: PLEASE? FOR ME?
DAVE: …
DAVE: ok

You both take a deep breath, let it sit there for a moment, and then release. After repeating the process a few times, you start to release the tension in your jaw as well. Then the tension in your shoulders. Then your fucking white knuckled grip on Karkat’s sweater too. Were you really doing that this whole time?

As the breathing exercise continues, all of your anger melts back into exhaustion like some sort of fucked up boomerang. If emotional whiplash is a thing, then you’ve officially reached it. After letting out a few more tears, you start to wind down, with your panting becoming a simple huff or two. Fuck it, you just wipe the snot off with your sleeve while you’re at it, not like it really matters anyways.

Numb. That’s only word that can be used to describe this feeling.

You float up to place your head on Karkat’s shoulder now, with your arms and legs wrapping around him like a total bitch too. Karkat hugs you back without any hesitation, now opting for scratching your back rather than patting it.

DAVE: i miss him
DAVE: i know i shouldnt but i do
DAVE: is there something wrong with me?
KARKAT: NO, HE RAISED YOU, DIDNT HE?
KARKAT: THERE’S BOUND TO BE SOME POSITIVE MEMORIES YOU FORMED OVER FOUR SWEEPS, OR ELSE YOU WOULD’VE GOTTEN THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AS SOON AS YOU GOT THE CHANCE.
DAVE: …
KARKAT: LISTEN, I KNOW I’M SHIT AT EXPLAINING STUFF LIKE THIS, BUT THINK OF THIS SITUATION LIKE A VIDEO GAME.
KARKAT: IF A VIDEO GAME WAS NEXT LEVEL GOG AWFUL TRITE, NO ONE WOULD EVER BUY IT, CAUSE IT SUCKS, AND *EVERYONE* CAN TELL.
KARKAT: SO INSTEAD, PEOPLE MADE SHITTY VIDEO GAMES THAT HAVE ONLY A *FEW* GOOD PARTS, LIKE SATISFYING CONTROLS, OR FLASHY GRAPHICS. THAT WAY, WHEN YOU REMEMBER THE GAME, YOU THINK ABOUT THOSE CONTROLS, AND THE GRAPHICS, OR EVEN THE FUCKING TITLE SCREEN I GUESS, AND EVENTUALLY YOU’LL PLAY IT AGAIN, AND AGAIN, DESPITE KNOWING IT’S A TOTAL PIECE OF FUCKING ASININE GARBAGE TO BEGIN WITH.
KARKAT: AND IN THIS TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO, YOU, THE CUSTOMER, HAVE BEEN STUCK WITH THE SAME SHITTY KATANA SEX PUPPET VIDEO GAME YOUR WHOLE LIFE, INSTEAD OF THE ACTUAL GOOD SHIT EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE.
DAVE: …
DAVE: heh

You’re definitely picking up what he’s putting down. In fact, his speech even gets you to crack a half smile. Did Karkat actually manage make you calm down with some sort of… Game Stop manifesto? The sheer absurdity of the situation can’t go unnoticed.

DAVE: so basically youre saying bro is the carmeageddon of shitty parents?
KARKAT: …YES?
KARKAT: IF THE SHOE FITS THEN SURE. WHY NOT?

Now that gets an actual laugh out of you. Of course trolls don’t have Carmeageddon, Karkat can barely wrap his brain around Pokémon.

Hold on. For the first time today, you actually feel relaxed, and… happy even? And it’s all because of him. Maybe things won’t be so different between you two after all.

DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: im sorry for all this
KARKAT: IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL, CRYING IS A HEALTH-

You pull backwards, and sheer amount of snot you got on Karkat’s chest makes your shirts peel off of each other like two pieces of bread with a stringy, melted piece of cheese in the middle. This has to be the single most revolting that’s ever graced your eye sight, and judging by the look of abject horror on Karkat’s face, he’s definitely thinking the same thing.

KARKAT: ERRRRRGH.
KARKAT: IT’S FINE. I’M FINE! NO WORRIES.
DAVE: you seriously wanna tell me youre cool walking around like slimer fucking busted a fat one all over you?
KARKAT: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? BE UPSET?
DAVE: nah but like
DAVE: you seriously dont wanna borrow a shirt or some shit?
DAVE: youre in the presence of a fashion god
KARKAT: …YEAH, THAT WOULD BE APPRECIATED. VERY APPRECIATED ACTUALLY.
DAVE: bet i can just float over-
KARKAT: HELL NO, YOU NEED TO REST.
DAVE: but you need a shirt!
KARKAT: AND DO YOU TOO! SO TELL THE PERSON WITH TWO *WORKING* FEET WHERE ONE IS!
DAVE: okay
DAVE: your funeral
DAVE: but uh…
DAVE: its in my dresser
KARKAT: …WHAT THE *FUCK* IS A DRESSER???
DAVE: well youd know if i came with
DAVE: just saying
KARKAT: FINE. YOU WIN. ARE YOU HAPPY?
DAVE: no comment
KARKAT: AND UH… ARE YOU REALLY COOL WITH FLOATING? I DON’T WANNA MAKE A BIGGER MESS OR I’D JUST CARRY YOU AGAIN.
DAVE: yeah i should be fine
DAVE: thats more brain power than like
DAVE: muscle power i guess
KARKAT: COOL.

Karkat turns around, heads to the door, and oh god-

The back of Karkat’s sweater is totally fucked. Just ripped to hell and back. It looks like Garfield went to town back there. No, Alex the fucking lion himself. Possibly even one of those fucked up creatures from YuGiOh too.

DAVE: uh
DAVE: your shirt…
DAVE: its-
KARKAT: I KNOW. NOW COME ON.
DAVE: im sorry
KARKAT: GOG FORBID I HAVE TO ALCHEMIZE THE SAME FUCKING SWEATER I ALWAYS DO.
KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA HELP ME GET OUT OF IT OR NOT?
DAVE: damn take a guy to dinner first kk
KARKAT: I FUCKING HATE YOU SOMETIMES.
DAVE: oh shit
DAVE: are you seriously blackromming me in my time of need?
DAVE: how unbecoming of you

Karkat whips back around at the speed light, face flushed like a cherry tomato, and his fists balled up like he’s Mike Tyson himself.

KARKAT: WHO THE HELL TOLD YOU WHAT THAT MEANS?

Holy shit. He took the bait, and now you’re in the air curled up laughing like a goddamn hyena.

DAVE: fuck man-
DAVE: who do you think?
DAVE: ohmygod i wish you could see the look on your face rn
KARKAT: FUCK YOU!
DAVE: whatever you say dude
DAVE: lmaoooo jesus christ

Yeah, stuff is definitely back to normal again. Everything’s gonna be okay. Thank fucking god.

This is what you wanted, right?

Chapter Text

Karkat ended up staying over again, you know, just cause of the throbbing broken toe. Total bro behavior. You definitely didn’t peak at his grub scars or his back muscles while he changed his shirt last night though. Why would you do that? Not that it’d be weird if you did, cause like, who wouldn’t appreciate the beauty of their moirail? Wouldn’t it be a little disrespectful to mentally dunk on your bro like that?

Okay, so maybe Karkat was your bisexual awakening, and maybe you haven’t been able to stop noticing how cute he is ever since then, but that doesn’t have to change your relationship.

Right?

You totally could be straight too. Have you ever been attracted to a dude besides your best bro? It’s not like you ever used to have a crush on John or anything. Pffft. That’d be weird. What about Tony Hawk or Snoop Dogg? Nah. Mad respect doesn’t mean you’d wanna dick dive into their underwear drawer or find a one way ticket to tooting their floots. Maybe Karkat’s just the exception? Yeah, that’s gotta be it. Totally. You’re just straight, and into Karkat. There’s nothing else to say on the matter.

Well, now you’re in a new predicament. Karkat ended up sleeping in your bed. Again, for medical reasons. Totally just grey stuff. Nothing more. He even alchemized extra pillows just for the occasion, but you see, somehow you became his pillow in the middle of the night. His leg’s even draped right over your lap, while his arm’s wrapped around your chest like you’re his own personal body pillow. Emphasis on body.

The problem isn’t that it’s happening, the problem is that you like it. You like it way too fucking much. Why is your heart racing? Why don’t you care that there’s probably cherry red drool on your chest? And most importantly: Why is he purring??? Do all trolls do that? Must be a just in their sleep sorta thing, like snoring, but in an alien way? Yeah, that’s gotta be it.

It’s pretty nice honestly, minus your aches from the ankle down. The slow rhythm of the vibrations helps you relax into a comfortable position. Heh. Pulling you closer, Karkat nuzzles his face into your shirt in return. Holy shit. You might’ve actually died and gone to heaven.

As much as you want to, kissing him again’s definitely off the table. Gotta respect those boundaries. Would touching his hair be off limits though? Even just a little bit? Eh, it’s not like this isn’t gay as fuck already. You reach over, stroke right between his horns, and-

KARKAT: WAIT.
KARKAT: ARE YOU AWAKE?
DAVE: uh-
DAVE: kind of
DAVE: shit
DAVE: sorry

And just like that, Karkat’s sitting straight up. Wait. How long was he awake for then?

KARKAT: SHIT I SHOULDN’T HAVE-
KARKAT: YOUR PRONG-
KARKAT: I MEAN-
KARKAT: AARRGGHHHHH!!!

Suddenly his hands are covering his face as he turns away from you.

DAVE: uh
DAVE: good morning to you too?

Should you pat his back? No, that’d be weird. Or would it? Isn’t this already weird? Fuck.

KARKAT: …GOOD MORNING.
KARKAT: IF BY GOOD YOU MEAN MORTIFYING I FUCKING GUESS.
DAVE: thats not the word id use exactly
DAVE: so do you do that all the time?
KARKAT: WHAT? USING YOUR SLEEP PLATFORM?
DAVE: no like
DAVE: the purr noise
DAVE: i mean don-
KARKAT: THE WHAT?
DAVE: purring
DAVE: like what cats do?
DAVE: shit meowbeasts my bad

Karkat’s entire body goes rigid. Wait, should you not have pointed that out? Shit. Houston we have a problem. Abort mission. Assume a new identity. It’s not too late to fake your death and move to a new planet while you’re at it.

KARKAT: LOOK-
KARKAT: I-
KARKAT: IT’S NOT-
KARKAT: OH FUCK PLEASE JUST KILL ME NOW.
DAVE: am i missing something?
DAVE: look we can drop it dude no worries
KARKAT: GOG YES. PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED.

Oh. Wait is he actually embarrassed? Is that why he’s acting so weird? What about this is so embarrassing? Did you do something wrong?

DAVE: sure
DAVE: love the pretending game its up there with all the greats like tic tac toe and uh
DAVE: minesweeper?
DAVE: do trolls have minesweeper?
KARKAT: SURE. TOTALLY. YEP.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: cool haha
DAVE: one quick question
DAVE: why are we pretending this didnt happen?
DAVE: i didnt make you uncomfortable ri-
KARKAT: NO, FUCK NO.
KARKAT: EEERRGGGHHHHH.
KARKAT: YOU’RE COOL! I’M COOL! TOTALLY CHILL!
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: ice cold even

This is gotta be about the purring. Right? Or is he all worked up over a cuddle session? Why would-

Oh.

All the pieces start to fall into place. Purrs aren’t just some weird alien yawning technique. Karkat wasn’t asleep when he pulled you closer. So he must be embarrassed he did that… with you? Damn. Cause he’s not into you like that. Right.

DAVE: i get it i get it
DAVE: everythings good in the hood
DAVE: agreed?
KARKAT: …YEAH.
DAVE: cool
DAVE: can you pass me my laptop
DAVE: its on the charger
KARKAT: SURE JUST GIVE ME A SEC.

You totally were gonna message Rose last night, but the charger cable isn’t long enough to reach your bed for some dumbass reason. By the time it was up and running again, you’d already knocked out cold. Should you probably just alchemize a longer cord? Yeah. Are you ever gonna remember to do it? Hell no.

Karkat stretches and starts to get up, grumbling something under his breath in the process. Finding out that he’s not a morning person is the least surprising information you’ve ever learned about him. Shit, he’s hardly an afternoon person either, or a night person, oh, and just about every hour o’clock too.

The rest of morning is about as mundane as it gets. You message Rose while Karkat takes a shower, and by the time he’s out, you still haven’t gotten a response. Naturally, you show Karkat your beats for Rose’s totally not birthday party while you wait, and he’s actually kind of impressed with some of them. Does that mean he actually likes them? Who knows, but he didn’t rip the headphones off, or make that stupid face where he scrunches up his nose at any point. By the time that’s over with, still no message from Rose. Damn.

KARKAT: HEY ARE YOU HUNGRY?
DAVE: lil bit
DAVE: why whats up
KARKAT: I CAN GRAB US SOME FOOD.
DAVE: oh shit thatd be great
KARKAT: COOL.
DAVE: if you see rose can you tell her to come here while youre at it?
KARKAT: SURE.
DAVE: youre the best
DAVE: i have the palest romantic feelings for you
DAVE: just pale tho
DAVE: no gay romantic feelings thats roses thing
DAVE: might as well start having a fascination with knitting and knock off harry potter porn at that point
DAVE: cant cramp on her style yknow
KARKAT: YES, I UNDERSTAND SO MUCH ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING HUMAN SEXUAL PREFERENCES THAT AREN’T COMPLETELY ARBITRARY OR ASININE!
KARKAT: HOW COULD I EVER FORGET ABOUT YOUR AFFLICTION OF HETEROSEXUALITY? IT’S BASICALLY YOUR MOST DEFINING TRAIT, BESIDES YOUR TOTAL LACK OF STYLE, HUMOR, OR ABILITY TO TIE YOUR SHOES CORRECTLY.
DAVE: hey
DAVE: i dont even have shoe laces
KARKAT: I REST MY CASE.
KARKAT: NOW CAN I GET SOME FOOD FROM THE NUTRITION BLOCK OR DO I NEED TO WASTE MORE TIME FLOUNDERING ABOUT ON YOUR RESTING PLATEAU THAT YOU ALSO EAT ON FOR SOME FUCKING REASON?
DAVE: sure thing partner

You tip your non existent cowboy hat at him, and then he’s on his way out the door.

Chapter Text

DAVE: so yeah thats how i broke my toe
DAVE: or toes plural i guess
ROSE: I see. What a riveting story full of necessary details that I’m now privy to.
KARKAT: I HOPE YOU KNOW HALF OF THAT WAS UTTER BULLSHIT.
ROSE: I would be generous to assume anything less than half was pure bullshittery wouldn’t I?
DAVE: hey i totally did the skating parkour tricks while no one was looking kk back me up here
KARKAT: HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE BACKING YOU UP EXACTLY?
DAVE: man come on

All of you are gathered up in your room, now completely finished with breakfast. Rose captchalogued a fancy ass chair to sit in just for the occasion, while you and Karkat settled with just sitting on your bed. No cuddling this time. What kind of weirdos would do that? Instead, you bask in the rare moment of normalcy after everything that went down yesterday.

ROSE: So, should I drop the pleasantries and ask what’s going on? Or do you prefer to keep vocally meandering for another hour?
DAVE: what my small talk not good enough for you?
ROSE: Alright, meandering it is then.

Rose smirks as her eyes pierce straight through you. She must know she’s already won this argument before it even starts. Just get on with it already.

DAVE: kanaya told you what happened
DAVE: didnt she
ROSE: I got an earful afterwards, yes.
DAVE: great
DAVE: …
ROSE: May I ask something a bit personal?
DAVE: sure
DAVE: not like this situation isnt morbidly embarrassing enough as is
DAVE: feels like i got a full convention of on lookers watching me squirm under a microsco-
ROSE: Dave, are you doing alright?

Huh? How can such a basic question catch you so off guard?

DAVE: im doing better
DAVE: i think
DAVE: minus the foot situation i guess
ROSE: Right.
ROSE: Karkat, would you agree with that statement?

You both turn to him, and his hands fly up like he got caught red handed in the cookie jar, wide eyes and all.

KARKAT: I-
KARKAT: LOOK-
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK AM I BEING PUT ON THE SPOT ALL OF A SUDDEN?
ROSE: You don’t have to answer if you’d prefer.
DAVE: nah i wanna hear what you have to say man
DAVE: be real with me i can handle it haha

He looks to Rose, then tosses a glance back over at you. There’s noticeable hesitation in his eyes, so you give him a thumbs up for good measure. It’s not like he’s gonna use this as an excuse to dunk on you or anything. Hopefully.

KARKAT: YOU’VE BEEN… ACTING DIFFERENT RECENTLY? KINDA LIKE WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
ROSE: Define differently.
KARKAT: UH…
KARKAT: SHIT.
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, LIKE IRRITABLE I GUESS?
KARKAT: OR JUST MORE UPSET THAN USUAL?

Damn. He’s not wrong. Karkat’s probably the only person who’s seen you cry since you were in diapers, and that was during the fucking Bush administration. Yet for some reason, having someone weirdly acknowledge your apparent weirdness is so… weird. The fact that other people perceive you at all makes your skin crawl a bit.

ROSE: Would you agree with that Dave?
DAVE: …yeah
ROSE: Is there any reason you’re more upset than normal?

The answer’s clear as broad daylight. Clear as a diamond in still water. Shit’s so obvious they couldn’t even use it as a goddamn 100 point Jeopardy question. Does that mean you’re gonna say it out loud though? Not only no, but hell no. Rose could pry out one of your wisdom teeth faster than she could pry any of you and Karkat’s dirty laundry out of you right now.

DAVE: nah
DAVE: look
DAVE: shit is just hard man
DAVE: were in fucking jumanji meets jason x every day
DAVE: im just feeling off lately
DAVE: nothing else to say on the matter

Rose starts tapping away with her foot while the two of you stare at each other for a moment. Unlike Karkat, she knows just how long you’ve been throwing out that saying. Of course there’s more to say on the matter, but are you gonna be the one to say it? Fuck no. It’s always been that way. Even pushy ass Rose can respect that unspoken boundary.

ROSE: Well, Karkat and I have been talki-
DAVE: what
DAVE: talking about what

Your eyes dart over to Karkat, and his go straight to yours.

KARKAT: UH-
KARKAT: I WAS GONNA TELL YOU, BUT THEN-
KARKAT: MY HEAD-
KARKAT: AND THEN YOUR FOOT-
DAVE: wait
DAVE: hold up
DAVE: this is been going on for awhile now?
DAVE: i mean like its cool or whatever no big deal man
DAVE: but what were you guys talking about

Cool is a strong word for it, but it’s not like you wanna get worked up over this. They probably were just talking about something small, that makes total sense. Right. Not a big deal. Just ignore that your throat’s drying up and it’ll all go away.

ROSE: Some things.
KARKAT: YEAH, LOTS OF THINGS.
ROSE: All the things.

Oh. That’s… even less cool. Great.

DAVE: okay
DAVE: uh
DAVE: thats vague as fucking shit

Don’t be dick. Stuff just all got worked out! This really isn’t a big deal. Why does it feel like a big deal? Just chill out already. Gripping the blanket seems a little bit unnecessary, you’re still doing it though. Shit. Just push down the negative emotions like a game of whack a mole! That’ll fix everything.

KARKAT: LOOK IT’S NOTHING TERRIBLE I JUST KNEW YOU’D GET UPSET IF-
DAVE: im not upset!
KARKAT: OKAY, I *THOUGHT* YOU’D GET UPSET IF I TOLD YOU ME AND ROSE WERE TALKING ABOUT QUADRANT STUFF AGAIN.
KARKAT: AND I UNDER ANY OTHER CIRCUMSTANCE I WOULD HAVE JUST FESSED UP SO IT DIDN’T BECOME A WHOLE THING, BUT THEN WE WERE FIGHTING, AND THEN YOUR PRONG INJURIES HAPPENED…
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: thats fine
DAVE: totally reasonable
DAVE: i get it

Quadrant stuff.

Just quadrant stuff.

It’s just fucking quadrant stuff!

Yeah that’s why you were mad at Karkat to begin with, but you’re not gonna blow up this time. Hell no. Everything’s just gonna go back to normal soon and fix itself.

KARKAT: LOOK I’M SORRY I REALLY COULD HAVE JUST-
DAVE: dont apologize its okay
DAVE: im NOT upset
DAVE: i dont wanna be upset
DAVE: look-
KARKAT: NO, IT’S OKAY, I FUCKED UP.
DAVE: no you didnt!
DAVE: im just overreacting like an idiot
DAVE: its not that deep
ROSE: Dave are you… alright?

You don’t feel alright, that’s for sure. Without even realizing it, your heart’s started racing faster than a fucking round of Mario Kart: Double Dash set to 200cc. Meanwhile, Karkat’s patting your back quiet as can be. Maybe you should just focus on that right now.

Wait, are you acting weird again? Fuck. Probably.

DAVE: i dont know anymore man
DAVE: my chest hurts so bad
ROSE: Are you feeling any sort of anxieties? Racing thoughts? Breathing troubles?
DAVE: ding ding ding
DAVE: ill take 500 points for all the above
DAVE: feels like my minds moving a million miles a second
DAVE: speed racer type shit
ROSE: Try placing your hands on top of your head for a second.
ROSE: Can you focus on breathing for me?

You do as she says, not really sure how that’s gonna help.

Wait. It’s actually fucking working. Each breath is easier than the last, and eventually you work way back down to feeling somewhat normal. Everything’s gonna be fine. When you bring your hands back down, Karkat immediately grabs one and latches on to it. Just a few seconds later, you’re resting your head on his shoulder.

Wow. This is really nice actually. Your heart works its way back down while your breathing gets steady.

DAVE: okay
DAVE: feeling a bit better
KARKAT: THAT’S GOOD.
DAVE: …sorry about that
DAVE: idk whats going on
KARKAT: NO, DON’T APOLOGIZE.
KARKAT: UH…
KARKAT: I GUESS CAN TELL YOU WHAT WE’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IF THAT’LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? IT’S REALLY NOT THAT BAD.
KARKAT: WELL, NOT BAD FOR YOU, I THINK. LONG AS YOU DON’T MIND ME JAMMING MY BULGE IN MY WINDHOLE ON OCCASION.
DAVE: in your windhole? right in front of my sister?
KARKAT: SHUT UP AND GET YOUR PAN OUT OF THE RAINCOLLECTOR!
DAVE: pffft
DAVE: lay it on me kk i can handle it
DAVE: spit straight facts and knowledge on my human hearing ducts
KARKAT: THAT’S NOT EVEN WHAT EITHER OF OUR FUCKING SPECIES CALL THEM YOU T-
ROSE: Ahem!
ROSE: Do you plan on telling the story in the next hour?

You chuckle as you sit back up, while Karkat face palms and grumbles under his breath. Oh, and you let go of his hand. Can’t get too gay right now. Plus you should probably like, face him or something.

KARKAT: UM-
KARKAT: SO LIKE-
KARKAT: SHIT!
KARKAT: ACTUALLY ROSE CAN YOU HELP ME HERE?
ROSE: Sure!
ROSE: So we’re all aware of the quadrant system, right?
DAVE: yep
KARKAT: TOTALLY.
ROSE: Well, after talking with Kanaya, she told me she plans on forgoing the system entirely, due to being satisfied with our relationship.
DAVE: aw
DAVE: congrats
ROSE: Thank you.
DAVE: so like
DAVE: are we throwing her a coming out party or some shit?
KARKAT: NO.
KARKAT: LOOK STRIDER, AFTER TALKING WITH THE TWO OF THEM I REALIZED I WAS INTERNALIZING A LOT OF STUPID ALTERNIAN BULLSHIT, AND IT WAS MAKING ME MISERABLE WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING IT.
KARKAT: I’LL SPARE YOU FROM HEARING ABOUT MY PUTRID ALIEN WOES SO I DON’T HAVE TO KEEP RUNNING MY TRAP ON AND ON AND ON.
DAVE: okay
DAVE: …congrats to you too?
KARKAT: I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO THE PART WORTHY OF CONGRATULATIONS!
DAVE: well dont let me stop you
DAVE: im all ears shoulders knees and toes

Karkat gets more nervous with each sentence. The way his eyes couldn’t rest on one particular spot made it so obvious. Get ready for the big reveal in 3… 2…

KARKAT: I THINK I’M AQUADROMATIC, LIKE KANAYA.

Huh? Aquadro… oh.

Damn. Does that mean stuff has to change then? Fuck. Don’t make this about yourself Dave, this is Karkat’s special moment.

DAVE: oh
DAVE: so like
DAVE: youre not into the whole moirails and matesprites thing anymore?
KARKAT: NO, BUT ALSO, YES?
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT STUFF TO CHANGE WITH US, BUT MAYBE THERE’S A BETTER LABEL FOR IT?
KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW ANYMORE.
DAVE: right on man
DAVE: thats cool with me
DAVE: fuck labels
DAVE: only label i care about is that youre my best bro
DAVE: end of discussion

Smiling from ear to ear, Karkat’s whole body relaxes a bit. Time for the ultimate seal of approval, a fist bump. By the time you reach your hand out, Karkat forgoes your sacred bro ritual and pulls you in for a hug.

KARKAT: THANKS.

His grip on you is so fucking tight as he buries his face into your neck. Woah, are you blushing right now? Cut it out with the school boy antics Strider. Hugs are super platonic, especially the ones you get from Karkat. Nothing romantic going on here. Just two dudes being dudes.

Maybe you should still tell him about your newfound love of XY chromosome. You know, in the spirit of coming out. No other reason. So you let go of him, and then say:

DAVE: i guess i have something i should tell you too
DAVE: rose helped me figure some shit out
DAVE: oh and jade too
DAVE: cant forget about jade
DAVE: but uh
DAVE: speaking of coming out
DAVE: idk what im even coming out as
DAVE: but like
DAVE: i think
DAVE: there might be a possibility
DAVE: even just a small possibility
DAVE: that im not straight

Karkat’s hands cover his mouth in an instant, clearly trying to contain a multitude of chucklefuckery. Even Rose is snickering to herself over there, albeit in a much less obvious manner. Goddammit.

DAVE: hey!
DAVE: this is supposed to be a special moment
KARKAT: SORRY! SORRY!
KARKAT: I KNOW THIS IS A BIG FUCKING DEAL FOR YOU, THANKS FOR PERFORMING YOUR HUMAN COMING OUT RITUAL.
KARKAT: IS THAT WHAT YOU’VE BEEN SO WORKED UP ABOUT LATELY?
DAVE: i guess yeah
DAVE: actually
DAVE: rose can we have a moment
ROSE: Be my guest.
ROSE: May I have a moment to talk you later about something? I have a book to recommend you, among some other topics of discussion.
DAVE: sure thing man
DAVE: you know how much i love reading
ROSE: Truly.

She captchalogues her chair back into her sylladex, along with the plate she was eating off of.

ROSE: I’ll be on my way then, congratulations to you both on your respective self discoveries.
KARKAT: THANK YOU?
DAVE: yeah thanks
DAVE: ill message you later tonight
DAVE: sound good?
ROSE: Sounds great.
ROSE: Farewell!
KARKAT: SEE YA.
DAVE: later dude

And just like that, she’s gone.

KARKAT: SO WHAT DID YOU WANNA TELL ME?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: can i be real and vulnerable for a sec
DAVE: bust my soul open and let you see everything inside
KARKAT: …YES?

There’s a long pause before you can open your mouth again. Just say it man. Ripping the bandaid off is the best way to do it, so why can’t you? Karkat cocks his head to the right as you stare back at him. Eventually you look and your feet, and then say:

DAVE: i havent just been upset about the gay stuff
DAVE: thats definitely playing a part of it
DAVE: but like
DAVE: fuck
KARKAT: HEY, I’M LISTENING.

He wraps his hand back around yours, and everything feels easier, even for just a moment.

DAVE: kk when you said kissing me was godawful that really hurt my feelings
DAVE: it really meant a lot to me and you shit all over it
DAVE: rained on my parade with liquid doo doo
DAVE: when you kissed me on the couch i really thought-
DAVE: maybe we-
DAVE: …i dont know
KARKAT: UH…
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT? WE KISSED ON THE BED.
KARKAT: ALSO WHY I WOULD I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THE KISS IN THE FIRST PLACE??
KARKAT: I MEAN… I’M SORRY FOR SAYING THAT SHIT BUT I REALLY WAS JUST TALKING ABOUT MY MASSIVE BULGEACHE MORE THAN ANYTHING.
KARKAT: IS THERE SOMETHING I’M MISSING HERE???
DAVE: huh
DAVE: you dont remember-
DAVE: oh my god
DAVE: oh my fucking god

Holy shit. You’re so fucking stupid. Everything clicks in to place all at once. You whip your head around back to Karkat all while squeezing his hand.

DAVE: so you dont remember kissing me?
DAVE: while you were passed out?

Shocked wouldn’t even begin to describe Karkat’s reaction. His eyes are wider than fucking a football field, while his eyebrows are high enough to practically reach his hairline.

KARKAT: WHAT.
DAVE: ill take that as a no
DAVE: for the record it was 10 out of 10 would recommend
DAVE: we had a great eye gazey vibe going down too
DAVE: thats not important tho
DAVE: well maybe it important but like-
DAVE: shit
DAVE: fuck im sorry man
DAVE: i just assumed you would remember since you seemed kinda awake
DAVE: i guess hindsight 20 20 now
KARKAT: SO THAT’S WHY YOU WERE UPSET WHEN I SAID-
KARKAT: FUCK.
KARKAT: THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE NOW.
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: …shit
DAVE: i fucked up real bad with this one
DAVE: sorry for being the biggest asshole of all time
KARKAT: EH, MORE LIKE BIGGEST DIPSHIT OF ALL TIME, BUT WHAT’S NEW.
DAVE: what can i say
DAVE: everythings bigger in texas
DAVE: insert dick joke here
KARKAT: YOUR CREATIVITY IS TRULY ASTOUNDING.

Like always, you’re biting back a laugh as Karkat rolls his eyes.

KARKAT: I MEAN THIS MY FAULT TOO, I’M SORRY I DIDN’T TELL YOU-
DAVE: nope
DAVE: im not letting you apologize this time
DAVE: im a big boy i can own up to my shit
DAVE: i was being a dickhead so you couldnt bring up something that was important to you
DAVE: thats not cool
DAVE: its against the first amendment of the brostitution
DAVE: end of discussion

His smile is subtle at first, the it doubles in size as he puffs a bit of air out of his nose. Wow. Is now a bad time to think about how pretty he is?

KARKAT: THANKS.
DAVE: no problemo

Your eyes drift down to his lips, and thank god you have these shades on to hide it. The cute little relaxed look on his face is just too much to handle.

DAVE: so…
DAVE: you didnt think kissing me was awful then?
KARKAT: NO, OF COURSE NOT.
KARKAT: DID YOU?
DAVE: no
DAVE: hell fucking no

Maybe it’s the way he’s gripping your hand, or how oversized your t-shirt looks on him, but you have to ask him the big question. You’ve already gotten this far, there’s no way you can imagine not saying anything any longer.

DAVE: can i ask you something?
DAVE: make a wild stab in the dark?
KARKAT: SURE.
DAVE: …when you said you arent interested in the whole quadrant thing
DAVE: i was in one of your little quadrants
DAVE: so does that mean…
DAVE: uh
KARKAT: MEAN WHAT?
DAVE: that you wanna do this

Almost on instinct, you grab Karkat’s cheek with your free hand, and plant your mouth right onto his own. Everything about this moment makes your heart flutter just like the first time you kissed. Hours could pass by and the fire inside of you would still burn just as bright while kissing Karkat. His embrace is like nothing you’ve ever felt before.

Shit, maybe you should let him answer the fucking question dude. Letting go, eventually you lean back too, only to be met with a stupid gobsmacked grin locked on Karkat’s face.

KARKAT: YEAH, IT DOES MEAN THAT.
DAVE: cool

You’re not quite sure why, but Karkat starts giggling, and you can’t help but join in with him. Next thing you know, the two of you are hugging with an iron grip like your life depends on it while cackling like a bunch of hyenas. Karkat’s heart is pounding as his chest presses up against yours.

KARKAT: WOW.
KARKAT: I UH-
KARKAT: I EXPECTED THIS TO GO DOWN WAY FUCKING DIFFERENT.
KARKAT: DID YOU KILL THE OLD DAVE AND REPLACE HIM WHILE I WASN’T LOOKING?
DAVE: pfffffft
DAVE: could you imagine if i said yes
DAVE: thatd be full on two trolls who look identical; they trick their respective lusii by swapping places; both beasts reconcile in a romantic yet tasteful way; lots of slap stick comedy
KARKAT: THE INFINITELY SURPERIOR VERSION.
DAVE: did you guys get a reboot with lindsay lohan too?
KARKAT: I HAVE NO CLUE WHO THAT IS.
DAVE: goddamn
DAVE: troll disney channel mustve been ass
KARKAT: YOU KNOW THERE ISN’T ALWAYS A ONE TO ONE VERSION OF EVERY DOGSHIT PIECE OF EARTH POP CULTURE, RIGHT?
DAVE: maybe

It takes everything in you not to point out how ironic that is after he made you endure Alternian Simon Sez. Guess some things are better left un… sez. Ba dum tiss.

DAVE: so
KARKAT: SO…
DAVE: i guess the turns have officially tabled
DAVE: cause ive got one last question
DAVE: …
DAVE: what are we?
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DAVE: oh come on man i asked you first
KARKAT: IS THERE SOME SPECIFIC HUMAN TERM YOU’D USE?
DAVE: probably
DAVE: but like
DAVE: i didnt spend my free time reading dictionaries
DAVE: perusing definitions n shit

The two of you stew in homosexual silence. Are you ready for a relationship? Probably not. Doesn’t everyone already think the two of you are dating though? Or is that because you guys were grey dating like trolls normally do? Damn this shit is so confusing.

Or maybe… it doesn’t really matter? What even is the point of all these romance categories and specific identities? Not everything needs to fit in some box, especially what you Karkat have. Hm. Wait a minute. Maybe you’re on to something here, so you let go of him, and say:

DAVE: look
DAVE: do we really need some stupid little label anymore?
DAVE: who gives a fuck if were troll boyfriends or human moirails or whatever the hell we could call it
DAVE: idk if im straight or gay or maybe even some fucked up sexuality well have to invent in the new world
DAVE: all i know is i like you
DAVE: and if you like me too then thats good enough for me

Karkat’s pupils grow like you’ve never seen before, while his ears start to point up ever so slightly.

KARKAT: I LIKE YOU SO MUCH.
DAVE: me too
DAVE: in fact…
DAVE: i love you

The words just fucking stumble right out of you, but that doesn’t make their truth any less apparent. You’ve loved Karkat for quite some time now, haven’t you? It’s so stupid that this how you realized it, and that this is how you’re telling him, but hey, the vibes are immaculate, so who are you to complain?

KARKAT: I LOVE YOU TOO.

Before you realize it, he’s already lunging at you with his arms wide open. In a matter of seconds the two of you jumping between passionate kisses and silly laughter. Wow. Holy shit. What the fuck. How could anything feel better than this? You lose track of time for the first time in forever, just reveling in the unrestrained affection going down right now. First your hands make their way into his hair while his grip your sides, then you’re both sprawled across the bed without a care in the world. Eventually the adrenaline wears off, yet your grins are just as wide as you separate.

DAVE: can we do this like all the time now?
DAVE: i think im addicted
KARKAT: PFFFFT.
KARKAT: MAYBE.
KARKAT: SO HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP ON YOUR COUCH WHEN I KISSED YOU?
DAVE: oh you didnt
DAVE: that was in the computer lab chill zone
KARKAT: …OKAY.
KARKAT: WAIT-
KARKAT: WERE KANAYA AND ROSE IN THE ROOM WHEN THIS HAPPENED?
DAVE: hell no
DAVE: you think my sister could go a single a second of her goddamn life without bringing that up?
DAVE: she loves watching me squirm around more than an entomologist in a fucking ant hill
DAVE: kanaya walked in for a sec but i played it off super smooth
DAVE: not a single bump in that motherfucking road
DAVE: no hills no left turns just straight up secret lip action recovery d strides style
KARKAT: …FORGET I EVEN ASKED.

Chapter Text

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

TG: yo
TG: i think we need to talk
TG: okay actually i KNOW we need to talk
TG: and by we i mean me and by talking i mean laying down some next level apology action
TG: kanaya?
TG: i mean if you still need time and space thats cool too
TG: dont wanna shit the bed twice and force you to smell that mood altering level stinkage so bad it could ruin your day again
TG: just lmk when you wanna chat it up
TG: its no big deal really

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GA: Now Would Be The Best Time For Me To Converse If That’s Alright.
TG: oh shit
TG: sure
GA: Well, I’ll Let You Say Your Piece.
TG: ok first off sorry for doing this via text like a total pussy
TG: im sure you heard about my foot
TG: shit sucks major ass
GA: I’ve Been Made Aware Yes.
GA: Sorry That You’re In Such A Predicament.
TG: eh its okay
TG: ill walk it off both figuratively and literally
TG: anyways
TG: ill just cut to the chase before i start digesting all these feet shoved in my mouth
TG: kanaya im so sorry i said that shit
TG: honestly sorry isnt even half as terrible as i fucking feel about flying off the rails like that
TG: especially after all the sick ass advice you gave me too
TG: i was being a goddamn miserable asshole
TG: then you got slapped with a bunch of my horrendous bullshit cause i was pissed off about something that had nothing to do with you
TG: so like
TG: sorry for doing that
GA: Well, It Seems You’ve Hit The Nail On The Head Quite Perfectly.
GA: Thank You For The Apology, Now We Can Consider This Chapter Of Our Lives Closed.
TG: wait
TG: thats it?
TG: you sure you dont wanna give me some verbal lashings
TG: send me to stocks and launch a few rotten tomatoes at my perfectly chiseled face
TG: seriously dude say what you need to say i wont be mad or anythings i totally had it coming
GA: I’m Not Quite Sure What You’re Expecting From Me?
GA: At This Point I Know You Well Enough To Know You’ve Probably Disparaged Your Self Far Greater Than I Ever Would Intend To.
GA: Furthermore, I Don’t Enjoy That You’re Harboring The Sentiment That You’ve Done Anything That Warrants Such A Reaction.
TG: oh
TG: thanks?
GA: No Problem.
TG: so thats it?
GA: Is There Anything Else You’d Like To Discuss?
TG: no but like
TG: is that really all you have to say?
GA: Yes.
GA: Listen Dave, I Very Well Could Sit Here And Berate You For Reasons That Are More Than Obvious, But That Would Do Nothing To Improve This Situation, Correct?
TG: yeah
GA: Then I’d Much Rather Stop The Cycle Of Needless Aggression So We Can All Move On And Grow From This Experience Instead Of Festering In Misery And Resentment.
GA: No Schadenfreude I Would Receive From Perpetuating Such An Environment Tempts Me In Any Way Shape Or Form.
TG: woah
TG: thats some profound ass shit you just said there
GA: Not Really.
GA: It’s Easy To Be Like This When You Have Time To Reflect And Not Much Else.
GA: I Also Enjoy Being Seated Upon My High Hoofbeast When Dealing With Vriska’s Flagrant Bitchiness, Which Isn’t Very Mature In The Grand Scheme Of Things.
TG: hey sometimes its all about destination and not the journey
TG: fuck dont stop believing that shit was like straight volcanic acid on my poor pubescent ear drums
GA: I’ve Come To Accept That Life Is All Journey With No Destination At This Point, As Bleak As That May Sound.
TG: see
TG: only a profound ass motherfucker would just drop that shit in casual conversation
GA: I’m Flattered You Think Such A Thing.
TG: oh also
TG: thank you for the advice you gave me
TG: we ended up talking stuff out
GA: I’m Glad, Karkat Seemed Much Better When I Bumped Into Him Earlier This Morning.
GA: Speaking Of, He Just Arrived To Help Me Finish Some Sewing Projects.
TG: sick
TG: have fun im sure rose is gonna love it
GA: I’ll Try My Best.

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

Chapter Text

TEREZI: 50 *TH4T’5* WHY HUM4N5 C4R3 50 MUCH 4B0UT TH3 CONC3PT OF 1NC35T???
DAVE: pretty much yeah
KARKAT: OKAY BUT THERE’S NO WAY THAT FUCKWIT PRINCE CHARLES ACTUALLY LOOKED THAT HORRIBLE.
ROSE: No, Dave’s actually telling the truth for once in his life.
ROSE: With a baffling amount of sincerity might I add.
KARKAT: HOLY SHIT.
TEREZI: >80
DAVE: imagine how terrible hed look without a goddamn meteor tsunami wiping out civilization
DAVE: motherfucker probably wouldve been shattering mirrors left and right just by existing
DAVE: meanwhile theres a bunch of washed up tea and crumpet drinkers while hes ruling over em looking like frankenteins monster if he got stuck in a fucking saw trap face first
ROSE: Indeed.

All four of you sit around the kitchen table while any last birthday shenanigans are being dealt with. The trolls refuse to let you or Rose set anything up, and by trolls, you mostly mean Terezi. There’s no telling what sort of chalk scented antics she’s currently cooking up.

Honestly… you’re still not sure how you feel about the whole birthday party thing. On one hand, it’s kind of stupid to celebrate your birthday when you know damn well that you turned 16 at least three weeks four days and two hours ago, but on the other hand, why be the asshole who’s mad over getting gifts? That’s supposed to be Rose’s thing. Clearly people put a lot of work into this while you were stuck bed resting, with no contesting, not even a little fucking bit of protesting. Guess you’ll just have to grin and bear it for everybody else.

TEREZI: W3LL, 45 1NT3R35T1NG 45 Y0UR H0M3 PL4N3T US3D T0 B3…
TEREZI: 1 5T1LL H4VE S0M3 HUM4N P4RTY PR3P3R4T10N5 TH4T N33D T0 B3 4TT3ND3D T0!
TEREZI: 4ND 1’LL B3 T4K1NG K4RK4T W1TH M3 >8]
KARKAT: HUH?
KARKAT: WHEN THE FUCK WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE SENT THIS MEMO?
TEREZI: UH, *N0W* 0BV10U5LY!
KARKAT: THEN NO, OBVIOUSLY!
TEREZI: WHY D0 B0Y5 4LW4Y5 H4V3 T0 B3 500000 D1FF1CULT? L0053N UP!!!!!!!!
TEREZI: 1T’5 N0T L1K3 Y0U H4V3 4 H0T D4T3 C0M1NG UP >XP
KARKAT: MY ROMANTIC PURSUITS ARE NONE OF YOUR-
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE.
KARKAT: JUST DON’T EXPECT ME TO BUST MY RUMP FOR WHATEVER DUMBASS SCHEME YOU’RE CONCOCTING IN THAT FEEBLE THINKPAN OF YOURS.
TEREZI: F1111111N3!
DAVE: oh terezi before you go
DAVE: sorry about what i said the other day
DAVE: being an asshole isnt really my style
TEREZI: H3H, N0 W0RR135
TEREZI: Y0UR V0T3R R3G15TR4T10N F0R TH3 D3C0R4T10N C0M1T33 H45 B33N R31N5T4T3D! >8]
TEREZI: …N0T TH4T 1T H45 MUCH U53 ANYM0R3
DAVE: sick
DAVE: ill be sure to keep up with the campaign trail next year
DAVE: reading all the articles n shit
TEREZI: 4LL TH3 4RT1CL35?
DAVE: ALL the motherfucking articles

Heh. You both snicker at the sheer level of corniness being tossed about all willy nilly. Nice. Rolling his eyes, Karkat slumps down onto the table in the meantime.

TEREZI: D0N’T M4K3 M3 C0M3 B4CK 1N H3R3 V4NT45

She uses two fingers to point at her nostrils, then one to point at Karkat, all while walking backwards out of the room. Is she gonna make it out of the doorway…?

She totally made it out of the fucking doorway.

KARKAT: WELL I GUESS I’LL LEAVE NOW BEFORE SHE COMES BACK AND DRAGS ME OUT OF HERE.
ROSE: That would be wise, wouldn’t it?
DAVE: for sure

Damn. Is it bad that you wanna ask him to stay? That’s kinda clingy as fuck, especially when you consider how many nights he’s stayed over this past week just to take care of you. Well, take care of you, and… do other stuff. Lots of stuff! Visiting the mayor, watching movies, kissing during said movies, and then… plenty of bro activities!

In a weird way, nothing’s really changed between you guys. Karkat’s just as argumentative as ever, and you still egg him on almost each and every chance you get. You both still complain about being stuck in space all the time, and all the things you plan to do on your new planet like you always have. Oh, and you complain about Vriska, like a lot. Two of you could do that for Olympic sport at this point. Yet for some reason… things have been so much more comfortable? Gone are the days where you would second guess how long you could hold Karkat’s hand before it makes you gay. In fact, you really don’t think about your sexuality that much at all anymore. If Dave Strider wants to mack on a dude, then that’s what he’s gonna do. Simple as that.

KARKAT: GUESS I’LL SEE YOU GUYS IN A SEC.

Karkat gets out of his seat, and on instinct, you grab his wrist to get his attention.

DAVE: hold up
DAVE: did you captchlouge the penis ouija cake already?
DAVE: its cool if not but-
KARKAT: SHUT UP, OF COURSE I DID.
DAVE: double sick
DAVE: might need some cough syrup to fight off all this sickness haha
DAVE: doctor said i have to quarantine if this situation gets anymore ill
DAVE: you feel me?
KARKAT: SURE. WHATEVER.

There’s not a single hint of snark or malice in Karkat’s tone as he answers you. Instead, he simply smirks, running his fingers through your hair, gently scratching your scalp with his sharp claws, and pushing your bangs out of the way in the process. The two of you stare at each other for a moment while his hand’s still up there, chuckling like there’s some inside joke that was just made up on the spot.

DAVE: well uh
DAVE: have fun
KARKAT: I’LL TRY MY HARDEST.

He rolls his eyes, then heads out the door just like Terezi earlier. Well, minus the goofy backwards antics unfortunately.

ROSE: You two seem close.
ROSE: Dare I say, closer than usual.
DAVE: shut up
ROSE: I presume you worked things out then?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: long story
DAVE: ill spare you all the gritty details
ROSE: Dave? Being curt? Sparing details? Has hell frozen over since we last spoke? Or am I-
DAVE: didn’t you have something you wanted to tell me?
DAVE: about a book or some shit?
ROSE: Oh! Thank you for reminding me.

She plucks a book from her captulouge and plop it right onto the table in front of you. The cover reads “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder FOR DUMMIES” in bold white and yellow letters.

DAVE: ptsd?
DAVE: isnt that shit reserved for like vietnam veterans and car crash survivors?
ROSE: Diagnoses are much more common than most people would assume.
DAVE: rose i-
ROSE: Listen, as much as I get a kick out of armchair psychology, that isn’t my intention today.
ROSE: Will you just hear me out for a second?
DAVE: …sure
ROSE: Thank you.
ROSE: You see, we’re no longer fortunate enough to have an endless archive of medical knowledge at our disposal, and this just so happened to be the only applicable book for what I wanted to discuss.
DAVE: damn
DAVE: rip google you were a real one
ROSE: RIP indeed.
ROSE: So…
ROSE: You’re familiar with the term trauma, correct?
DAVE: yeah
DAVE: having to watch egberts god awful movie recommendations was traumatic for my fucking eyes and ears
ROSE: That’s good, are you aware of how bad the effects on the mind can be?
DAVE: idk
DAVE: i guess if shit adds up you get depression or ptsd
DAVE: im not a fucking doctor
DAVE: unless my phd in busting rhymes counts
DAVE: if thats the case then dave striders the most qualified doctor on this rock we call home
ROSE: No comment.
DAVE: figures
DAVE: so whats the point youre trying to make rn dude?
ROSE: Maybe you’ll understand better if I speak from my own experiences?
ROSE: When we first arrived on this ship, I still hadn’t processed my mother’s failures during my childhood, much less her death, or just about everything else that happened during our session.
ROSE: At first I let my negative headspace motivate my gratuitous amounts of research, convincing myself that anything else was a waste of my time.
ROSE: Then I fell into my unfortunate drinking habit for quite some time, and without realizing it, I was repressing my actual emotions.
ROSE: I…

Rose pauses, then takes a deep breath, almost as if she’s bracing herself more than you this point.

ROSE: I’m not sure if Kanaya told you this already, but as of tomorrow, I’m officially one month sober.
ROSE: This book… it helped me process how I felt, and how those emotions were negatively impacting me, even if I don’t particularly believe I have any form of PTSD.
DAVE: woah
DAVE: thats a huge deal
DAVE: cmere

You pull Rose into a hug. She’s never been this open or sincere as long as you known her. Despite the good news, there’s palpable disappointment in the tone of her delivery. Neither of you speak for just a moment, lingering in the closeness.

Damn. This is what family’s actually supposed to fucking feel like, isn’t it? Huh. That’s… kinda sad. For a split second, it hits you how long you’ve gone without real emotional intimacy like this. How long you wasted your time putting up a wall between yourself and the rest of life around you. Yet, as just a few tears roll down your face, a smile follows right afterwards. Why waste your time being upset when you have an infinite lifetime with your friends and family to look forward to? All of you have come so far in these past few years, no point in just lingering in all of the bad shit.

So instead, you let go of the hug, then say:

DAVE: im proud of you
DAVE: shit takes major work
ROSE: Thanks.

She wipes away a few tears of her own, smiling just the same way you are. The two of you have some sort of unspoken agreement not to acknowledge the small crying going down.

DAVE: wait a minute
DAVE: fuck now i feel like an asshole having you do all this therapy shit for me
DAVE: if id have known-
ROSE: No no, it’s fine.
ROSE: I quite enjoy meddling in your personal life, I’m still your sister after all. Karkat’s quite the character himself.

Somehow a chuckle slips out of you, then you’re looking back down at the book.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder… yeah there’s no way you have that. You’re definitely one depressed motherfucker, that’s for sure, but actual mental health problems? Seems like kind of a reach. Yet, if this book can help someone with their head screwed on like Rose, it’s worth looking into. After all, her advice has probably been the only that’s kept you from going insane on this rock you call home.

DAVE: so should i read this from front to back or is this a sparknotes type situation
ROSE: Start with the third chapter, it covers anxiety attacks, and if it resonates then perhaps try reading the rest?
DAVE: huh
DAVE: why anxiety attacks?
ROSE: I think you’ll understand just a few p-
KANAYA: I Was Told To Gather The Two Of You For Our Evening Of Birthday Festivities.
DAVE: oh shit
ROSE: I suppose it’s about that time.

The two of you look at each other one last time.

DAVE: ill give a shot
DAVE: if this shits a waste of time you owe me one
ROSE: And if it’s not?
DAVE: then uh
DAVE: thanks for the birthday present i guess
ROSE: I thought we agreed to not exchange presents this year?
DAVE: my presence is the gift that keeps on giving
ROSE: Well hopefully it comes with a gift receipt one of these years.
DAVE: no prob-
DAVE: hey fuck you

Chapter Text

ALL: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUU
DAVE: aw thanks guys
ROSE: Yes, you really outdid yourselves with all of this.

All six of you gather around the table, with Karkat to your right, and just about everyone else seated across from you. Terezi’s streamers hang all around the room, each color clashing against the other in the most jarring way possible. Meanwhile, Kanaya alchemized a new table and draped it with a tablecloth that could only be described as… visually stimulating. Does it look like a colorblind rodeo clown threw up all over the room? Yes. Would the decorations give any HGTV professional bone chilling nightmares? Also yes. Is it everything you ever could have hoped for? Abso-fucking-lutely.

To your surprise, celebrating your birthday has been pretty nice. Your grin hasn’t left your face at any point this evening, which is saying a lot considering that Vriska’s in the room. Maybe you were wrong about the whole birthday parties being overrated thing after all?

KANAYA: Would We Like To Begin Your Tradition Of The Annual Gift Giving Ceremony Now?
DAVE: oh uh
DAVE: what do you think rose
ROSE: Now is as good as any other time I suppose.
KANAYA: SO IS THAT A YES?
ROSE: If you want it to be, then sure.
KARKAT: OKAY BUT THIS IS *YOUR* PARTY, SO LIKE…
KANAYA: It’s Alright If You’d Rather Just Wait A Moment My Love.
ROSE: Well what if my birthday wish is to simply to what everyone else wants? What then?
DAVE: oh my god just give her the fucking presents already
DAVE: the last thing i wanna do for my not birthday is play this stupid ass verbal goose chase bullshit all cause rose is allergic to appreciating the fine art of birthday presents
ROSE: Oh how the pot cries out about how black the kettle is.
ROSE: Either way, it seems the decision has been made now.
TEREZI: GR34T, MY G1FT5 C4N B3 G1V3N F1R5T!
TEREZI: 1 5UCK 4T 4LCH3M1Z1NG, 50 1 M4D3 Y0U GUY5 TH353 3P1C P0ST3R5 1N5T34D

She tosses each of you a roll of paper, both of which are tied perfectly with a little bow. As you unravel it, it’s become pretty fucking apparent that she pulled out all the stops. This might even be some of her best work yet. On one side is an avant garde portrait of Barrack Obama smoking a joint, while the other side is you skating boarding? Or are you break dancing on the… table? Who gives a fuck. It’s pretty goddamn awesome, that’s what it is.

DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: this is fucking epic terezi thank you
DAVE: picasso wishes he could bang out something half as good as this masterpiece
ROSE: I concur, I have the perfect place to display mine as well.
ROSE: Thank you so much.
DAVE: yeah thanks i fucking love it
TEREZI: H3H3H3 N0 PR0BL3M!!

Next you all turn to Vriska, who has possibly the most incredulous look you’ve ever seen smacked across her face.

VRISKA: What? I forgot this stupid party was today, so I guess you’ll have to w8 till next year.
VRISKA: Or sweep. Whatever. Who cares.
ROSE: That’s fine by me.
DAVE: …yeah totally

Moments like these make you so grateful to have half of your face covered. Oh, and the legendary Strider poker face. Who could forget that. Yet somehow, a twinge of annoyance is still wedged right under your skin in a way that only Vriska can manage to do. Like why did she even come then? Clearly she already fucking knew exactly how thi-

Before your grimace starts to fully settle in, Karkat’s already gripping your hand under the table. Somehow you just know he’s thinking the same to a T. Hell probably the whole alphabet too. Heh. It’s kind of hilarious how much complaining about this has brought everyone together.

Oh, right. This really isn’t that serious. Go back to enjoying your birthday party Strider.

KANAYA: Is It Alright If I Go Next Then?
KARKAT: GO FOR IT.
ROSE: Absolutely!
TEREZI: Y1PP33!

Kanaya rummages around in her pocket, then says:

KANAYA: Well Dave, I Wasn’t Sure What To Get You, So I Hope This Will Suffice

Before you can react, she slams her hand on the table making a perfect okay sign with her ha-

Wait. Did she just get your ass? You lost the game? It’s not even funny how hard you’re laughing right now.

DAVE: holy shit
DAVE: who the fuck taught you that???
DAVE: im fucking LOSING it rn

Every few words that slip out are interrupted by a cacophony of fucking cackles. Just some next level goofy type shit.

KANAYA: I Managed To Find Another Version Of You Who Said It “Would Slap Harder Than All Of The Bars On No Limit Top Dogg Combined”
KANAYA: Whatever That’s Supposed To Mean
DAVE: he was fucking right jesus christ
DAVE: thanks man
DAVE: i appreciate it
KANAYA: I’m Happy To Hear Such A Thing

Next, Kanaya removes a thick ass book from her captulogue.

KANAYA: And For You My Love

As she passes the book to Rose, her face contorts from confusion to pure unadulterated joy and excitement. The type of shit only a nerd like herself could possess over yet another hardback to add to her infinite collection.

ROSE: Shut up.
ROSE: You didn’t do this yourself, did you?
KANAYA: If By “This” You Mean Translating “The Duel Of Two Noble Wizards; Society Is Completely Thrust Into Darkness; Caliganous Feeling Begin To Blossom Between The Two; Numerous Scenes Held Within Gothic Architecture” For You To Be Able To Read As You Please, Then Yes, Yes I Did.
KANAYA: Karkat Assisted Quite A Bit With My Efforts As Well.
KARKAT: I TOOK SOME CREATIVE LIBERTIES DURING THE SECOND ACT, THE PACING WAS A LITTLE CHOPPY FOR MY TASTES. I’M SURE YOU’LL APPRECIATE IT.
ROSE: Yes, my appreciation for you two knows no bounds, thank you both.
KANAYA: No Problem.
KARKAT: YEAH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LALONDE.
KARKAT: WAIT, SHIT. DOES THAT MEAN IT’S MY TURN ALREADY?
KARKAT: FUCK.
DAVE: hey double up on the waits for a sec
DAVE: what the hell
DAVE: last time i checked you dont write books on sewing machines
ROSE: So what?
DAVE: then what the fuck were you guys sewing for a week straight??
DAVE: karkat damn near busted his head open over this shit

Kanaya and Rose look over to Karkat, almost as if they’re waiting on cue.

KARKAT: I-
KARKAT: SO WE-
KARKAT: ARGGGGHHHHHHHGGHH!!!

Before you can say anything, a perfectly boxed present hurls out of his captulogue right in front of you.

KARKAT: HERE’S YOUR GIFT DUMBASS.

You unravel the bow and tear off the lid only to be met with… Oh?

DAVE: sick
DAVE: ive been needing pajamas thanks for remembering dude
DAVE: super thoughtful
DAVE: did you make them yourself?
KARKAT: YEAH… NO.
KARKAT: I TRIED AT LEAST FOUR DIFFERENT TIMES AND FAILED MISERABLY IN WAYS THAT ARE STAGGERINGLY BLEAK FOR ANY CREATURE WITH OPPOSABLE GRIPPING NUBS.
KARKAT: SORRY.
DAVE: aw cmon dude chillax i really like them
KANAYA: For What It’s Worth He Did Pick Out The Fabric And All The Other Colors.
KARKAT: YEAH BECAUSE THAT’S *DEFINITELY* THE PART THAT TAKES THE MOST WORK.
TEREZI: 0H 8UT TH3 TH3 C0L0R5 Y0U CH053 4R3 JU5T 50 D3L3CT4BL3 K4RK4T >8]
TEREZI: TH4T 15 QU1T3 TH3 F3AT F0R S0M30N3 4FFL1CT4T3D W1TH 45 L1TTL3 T45T3 45 Y0U H4V3
VRISKA: I have to agree, don’t set the 8ar too high for yourself ::::)
KARKAT: FUCK YOU BOTH!
ROSE: Did you still want to show him the other gift you made?

Karkat freezes in place, not moving so much as a finger or a single hair on his head.

KARKAT: …WHAT GIFT?
KANAYA: I Think You Know Exactly Which One She’s Referring Too

By now the two of them have some sort of maniacal shit eating grins plastered across their face.

Huh? Is this some sort of prank? They already got you pretty fucking good all things considered. Yet for some reason, Kanaya slides another gift bag across the table. As you start to look inside, Karkat’s already running his mouth like there’s no tomorrow. Hell every day after that too.

KARKAT: BEFORE YOU OPEN THAT, JUST KNOW THAT I WORKED *REALLY* FUCKING HARD ON YOUR DUMBASS FUCKING HUMAN GIFT TRADITION.
KARKAT: IT’S LIKE YOU WANTED A GIFT ANYWAYS SO IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T BE DISAPPOINTED WITH HOW TERRIBLE OF A FRIEND I AM AND-
DAVE: oh
DAVE: my
DAVE: fucking
DAVE: god
DAVE: holy shit
KARKAT: HUH…?

What’s in your hands might be worth its weight in gold. The next goddamn Mona Lisa in a world full of finger paintings. Without a doubt, this is the worst most hideous pair of pants you’ve ever laid your hands on. Jagged yellow threads clash against the red fabric, the drawstring is in knots somehow, and best of all, one leg is way longer than the other. It doesn’t seem possible that anyone could create a piece of ironic perfection like this. One by one, you all start laughing at the sight of it. Actual cackles erupt out of you so fiercely that your gut actually starts aching in a matter of seconds.

KARKAT: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I DIDNT EVEN-
DAVE: kk!
KARKAT: WANT TO GIVE IT YOUR BITCHASS THIS SHITTY GIFT SO YOU CAN JUST TAKE IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR-
DAVE: karkat i l-
KARKAT: AND ANOTHER FUCKING THING, I DON’T SEE-
DAVE: jesus christ dude i LOVE it
KARKAT: SO WH-
KARKAT: WAIT…
KARKAT: WHAT?

Wiping tears from your eyes, you can’t stop looking at the pair of pants. Has Dave Strider become a sentimental sap? Cause the fact Karkat spent all this time trying to work on them makes it even better. It’s really sweet actually.

DAVE: bro this is fucking insane
DAVE: did you do this on purpose?
DAVE: i wanna put them on NOW
KANAYA: I Wouldn’t Recommend That, They Are Quite Literally Hanging On By A Thread
DAVE: aw cmon
DAVE: dude thats like giving candy to a baby then chopping its goddamn hands off
KARKAT: NO, SHE’S RIGHT… I THINK I SEWED ONE OF THE FROND TUBES SHUT TOO.
DAVE: okay okay…
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: this is genius
DAVE: these are getting hung up first thing at casa del strider
DAVE: now i have to one up you next year

Almost on instinct, you hug him like never before, then his hand slides up the back of your head as he hugs you back. Fuck. The last time someone gave you a gift this thoughtful was… John? Wasn’t it? Goddamn. Maybe you’re blessed with the two best friends a guy could ever have. Well… Karkat’s definitely more than a friend at this point, but uh, point still stands.

KARKAT: YOU’RE AN IRONY OBSESSED PIECE OF SHIT, YOU KNOW THAT RIGHT?
DAVE: does a glubbeast live in the ocean?
KARKAT: THEN… HAPPY BIRTHDAY I GUESS?

You pull apart and chuckle at the pants one last time, with Karkat finally joining in himself. Fuck. He’s so cute it-

VRISKA: Ugh you two are SOOOOOOOO pathetic.
VRISKA: What are you gonna kiss or something????????
TEREZI: S3R10U5LY VR15K4? >8[
VRISKA: I’m 8eing as SERIOUS as can 8e!!!!!!!!
DAVE: you know what
DAVE: thats a good point actually

Rather than arguing or shriveling up with anxiety, you grab Karkat by the chin, and pull him in for the sweet sweet lip action he deserves. Fuck Vriska. Fuck caring what anyone else thinks. The new Dave couldn’t give two shits about that anymore. Why should you? This is the best you’ve felt in years, and no one’s taking that away from you anytime soon.

DAVE: thank you so much bro
DAVE: i mean it

Karkat stares back at you grinning completely in shock. As he glances down and back up again, his ears do that funny little thing where they point straight up while his face is completely flushed red.

VRISKA: BLEH!!!!!!!!
VRISKA: That’s it, I’m totally out of here >::::(
VRISKA: Call me when you losers actually care a8out the 8attle we need to win! It’s not like we have much time left you know!!!!!!!!
DAVE: whatever
DAVE: sucks to suck

Vriska storms out of the room, while Kanaya and Terezi look at her, then back at you, totally dumbfounded. Rose however, she has that same smartass smirk that’s been permanently glued to her face since at least third grade.

DAVE: what?
DAVE: do i have something on my face?
KANAYA: Um
KANAYA: No!
TEREZI: Y34H NO
DAVE: cool
DAVE: so…
DAVE: did you wanna give rose her gift kk?
KARKAT: OH.
KARKAT: WELL…
KARKAT: SO I KINDA GOT REALLY FUCKING BUSY SINCE STRIDER WAS INJURED-
KARKAT: AND THEN YOUR BIRTHDAYS WERE SO CLOSE-
KARKAT: PLUS HELPING KANAYA-
KARKAT: IS IT COOL IF I LIKE-
KARKAT: GIVE YOU SOMETHING LATER?
ROSE: That’s fine by me, I quite literally saw this one coming.
KARKAT: GREAT I CAN-
KARKAT: WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.
KARKAT: HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?
ROSE: Oh you know, just somethings here or there.
DAVE: dude do you have to sign a fucking contract to be as cryptic as possible when you find out about your seer shit? or is that part just a personal choice
TEREZI: TH1NK 0F 1T 45 M0R3 0F 4N UN5P0K3N 04TH >8]
ROSE: I concur.
TEREZI: 50
TEREZI: D035 TH15 M34N W3 C4N PL4Y P1N TH3 T41L 0N TH3 34RTH CR43TUR3 N0W? >80
ROSE: What do you say Dave?
DAVE: well uh
DAVE: i gotta rest up these little piggies so they can go to the market
DAVE: groceries are getting real expensive in the current pork economy
DAVE: but dont let me stop you from having a good time
DAVE: ill pull a chair up no problem
TEREZI: S1CK!
TEREZI: D035 50M3B0DY H4V3 TH3 BL1NDF0LD5?
KANAYA: I Believe They Are In My Possession.

As the girls make their way over to the uh… horse lizard hybrid Terezi drew on the wall, Karkat stays put, dwindling in his chair. Instead of following everyone else, you float out of your chair and straight behind him, with your chin placed right in between in his horns.

DAVE: you know
DAVE: for the first time in forever
DAVE: i really think everythings gonna work out fine
KARKAT: YEAH… ME TOO.
DAVE: want some help up?
KARKAT: SURE, I GUESS.

Grabbing his hands, you pull him out of the chair, hovering just a few inches above the ground. As the girls chatter just a few feet away, your hands linger right where they are, as do Karkat’s.

KARKAT: HEY STRIDER?
DAVE: whats up
KARKAT: THANKS.
DAVE: for what?
KARKAT: I DON’T FUCKING KNOW, EVERYTHING?
DAVE: goddamn
DAVE: thats a lot of things
DAVE: how many we talking here
KARKAT: TOO MANY TO LIST YOU DIPSHIT.
KARKAT: COME ON, WE HAVE STUPID EARTH GAMES TO PLAY DUBIOUSLY IN YOUR HONOR.

He chuckles one last time as lets go of one hand, and pulls you over to the group with the other. Oh shit. Somebody must’ve pulled up two chairs for both of you. Sick.

The rest of the night is undeniably epic. The games are fun, the cake is delicious, and everyone’s having a pretty grand fucking time. Even Karkat, the same guy who hates conversations more than he hates just about anything else on the planet. Multiple planets for that matter. Every now and again, you sneak a peak when he isn’t looking, just so you can see the way his face lights up throughout the evening.

Damn. You’re so gay it’s crazy. With a capital G and everything. Who would’ve ever guessed that. Well, besides Rose… and Kanaya… and Jade… and Kar-

Okay, maybe it was obvious from the beginning. Who knows? Who fucking cares? Certainly not you anymore. In fact, as Karkat grips onto your hand, all you can think about is how much you’re glad you DON’T care about that trivial bullshit anymore. It’s so freeing it’s actually insane.

As the night wraps up, your head makes its way onto his shoulder, then his head is resting on yours too.

KARKAT: HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASSHOLE.
DAVE: you too
DAVE: fuck
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: thanks bro
DAVE: i love you
KARKAT: I LOVE YOU YOO, UNFORTUNATELY.
DAVE: hey come on this is supposed to be all sentimental and shit
KARKAT: CAN YOU EVEN SPELL SENTIMENTAL?
DAVE: fuck you
DAVE: can you spell kiss my ass?
KARKAT: COLOR ME SURPRISED.