Archive of Our Own ^beta

“How can you say this is too dangerous for me, when I helped you take down the Kim family.” Felix’s eyes are bright, his voice scraping from his throat. “We walked in there hand in hand. You gave me the gun that finished off Kim Woojin!”

“That was different!” Chan says. “That was a vendetta. Kim Woojin murdered your family and betrayed my father. I couldn’t keep you out of it. And even if I’d wanted to, my father would have never let me take away your chance to avenge your family.”

Chan hadn’t wanted to, not exactly. He’d only dreaded how killing anyone, no matter how much they deserved it, might change Felix, his lovely golden boy with the stars in his eyes and the light in his heart. Despite his worries, Felix had emerged unscathed. Resolute, but still full of love and caring, so sure that everyone he gave his heart to was worthy of it.

But by now Chan knows that it’s not the grand gestures that do it, in the end. It’s the everyday business of this gang, the millions of tiny, mundane cruelties, the risk reward calculations, the little moral compromises that shave pieces of a man’s soul, until eventually, he can’t even feel it anymore.

Felix has the most beautiful soul that Chan has ever known, and he could never live with himself if he stood by and watched the light inside Felix dim.

That’s why as much as Chan wishes he could give Felix everything he wants, this is the one thing he can’t agree to, no matter how much Felix fights him on it.

“This is just a bunch of upstarts who saw a power vacuum after Kwangya folded trying to throw their weight around. Everyday shit. There’s no need for you to dirty your hands with it, or risk your life for it.”

“You are.” Felix says, his eyes mutinous. He’s beautiful like this, burning with righteous indignation, face pale in the dim lights, his freckles a golden galaxy across his cheeks.

“Because I’m the leader.” Chan reminds him calmly. “I don’t have a choice.”

“And I don’t want one!” Felix says. “I can do this. You know I can. You’re the one who made sure of it.”

The guilt burns like acid inside Chan’s stomach.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have.”

“Don’t do that.” Felix says. “You did what needed to be done. Stop apologizing for being hard on me because I can stand by your side now. I thought that was the whole point of it.”

In those early days, he had pushed Felix to his limits and then past them, terrified by the too young, too soft, too pretty boy who the Bang family tree had engulfed. The Lee family’s loyalty had gotten them nothing but painful deaths, and Chan had sworn to himself that he would not repay their sacrifice by getting their only son killed.

“Show him who he lives for now,” His father had said. “The guilt will eat him alive if you don’t, boy.  Show him that he lives for you now.”

So he had.

And Felix had taken all his loyalty, and all the love that should have belonged to the family who’d been taken from him, and directed it towards Chan.

It is the greatest gift Chan has ever received, and in exchange for it, he has paid Felix back with a world of violence and cruelty, but he will be damned if he lets that world turn Felix into someone he’s not.

###

“Go home, Felix.” Chan repeats.

Felix is so frustrated he wants to stamp his foot, but that would only prove to Chan that he’s the child Chan seems to think he is. So he takes a deep breath, and tries another tact to plead his case.

“You let me go into the Hwang family complex to take them down. And if you’d only let me go with my plan, I could have let you all in through the front door. You know they would have bought it — sending me as a thank you for Hyunjin? As a sign of trust? They would have eaten that shit up!”

“You really think I’d be okay with letting a bunch of old lechers even thinking they got to touch you?” Chan’s voice is fierce. “You think I’d be okay using my little brother as bait?”

Not jealousy. Just misplaced brotherly protectiveness, like always.

“You use Hyunjin as bait all the time!”

Chan’s voice is tight. “Hyunjin literally trained his whole life to be a honey trap.” He says, with irritating rationality, and Felix grinds his teeth.

As if he could forget how Hwang Hyunjin had come to join our family in the first place. As if he could forget the night he’d spent hiding in Changbin’s bed, crying bitter tears at the thought of Chan locked in the master bedroom with the gorgeous man who had been given as a literal gift to celebrate a potential alliance, a man who could no doubt pleasure Chan in ways Felix couldn’t even dream of.

And the fact that Chan hadn’t touched Hyunjin that night, but instead given Hyunjin the option of joining the gang, that Hyunjin had emerged from his own bloody revenge on the people who had abused and betrayed him to become one of the closest friends Felix has ever had, none of that has erased the feeling of that first night.

“The point is, I want to help you!” Felix says now. “I can’t do that if you won’t let me do anything. Now I can’t even sit besides you at the table while you do a bunch of boring negotiating?”

But Chan’s face is impassive now, his brief outburst over, the leader through and through, and Felix knows he’s not going to win today.

“These negotiations will be tense and you know it,” Chan says. “With the situation with Han and Minho…we need to smooth things over, not fan the flames. And I don’t trust these fuckers not to try something. I want you safe in case things go sideways.”

“But—”

“No buts, Felix. You know I never forgive myself if something were to happen to my—”

“Little brother.” Felix finishes bitterly. “Fine. But I’m not going home.”

He stalks out of the room, down to the dance floor and throws himself into the song in the same way a child might throw himself on his bed in a tantrum, a maelstrom of emotions. It’s only half a song later that he feels the fluid and sinuous movements of Hyunjin behind him, riding the beat with him.

“He sent you down here?” He asks.

The music is loud, but he knows Hyunjin will always understand him.

“You know how he is,” Hyunjin said.

Felix does: Protective. Overprotective.

“I just want him to see me as an equal.” Felix says, into Hyunjin’s hair, as they dance.

“I know,” Hyunjin says soothingly.

Felix looks up to the second floor, to the private room that overlooks the dance floor where Chan is holding court, but the one way mirrors give nothing away.

The night Chan’s father had been murdered, Felix had wept in his arms until morning. Not only because he’d lost the man who had become a second father to him, but because now he was losing Chan as well. Because Chan was losing himself.

Because he’d known that Chan would give his entire self to the gang now that he was leader, no matter what pieces of himself he had to cut down to do it, no matter how much it hurt him. He would do it for them and he would never complain, and it wasn’t fair.

Felix had cried for so long that he had no more tears left, and then he had sworn that he would do whatever it took to be Chan’s safe space, to be his comfort, his joy, his home.

Since the moment the Bangs took him in, Felix has been working hard, training hard, doing everything to become the kind of brother Chan could rely on.

And if he had emerged from that night realizing that he loved Chan in ways that made the whole idea of being his ‘brother’ laughable? Well, it hadn’t been the time to do anything with that knowledge.

There would be enough time to let Chan know. Later, when his love would be a gift and a joy, instead of just another huge thing Chan had to grapple with.

In the three years since then, Felix’s love has only grown, wild and tangled and furious as a jungle.

And in that time he’s worked hard to become a support beam in the structure of the life Chan has built as Bangchan, the leader of the most powerful gang in the city.

It’s time to kick that beam down and rebuild the rubble into something new, where he can be Chan’s equal. Where he can be more than just his little brother.

Where Chan can see Felix as the man who loves him.

###

Felix is dancing.

In the flashing lights of the club, he’s gorgeous. He’s always gorgeous — too pretty for Chan’s own good, really. Like this, he’s breathtaking. At least Chan can barely breathe as he watches the way Felix moves to the pounding beat, fluid and graceful and so, so tempting.

Hyunjin knows he’s beautiful; his destiny has been defined by it, for better or worse. Felix’s beauty is incidental, something he doesn’t seem conscious of, and it’s all the more devastating for it, because he has no idea what he does to Chan. No idea that Chan wants to march right down to that dance floor and grind up against him, wants to lift him up onto his cock and fuck him there, slide in balls deep and pump Felix full of his cum, in plain view of all those people watching, all those people that think they might have a claim on him. To show everyone that Felix is his—

His brother.

As always, the shame is enough to flood his lust, and capsize his fantasies, leaving the oily slick of self-revulsion behind.

Twice, Chan has promised that he will always protect Felix.

Once at 20, when his father had brought the newly orphaned 17 year old to their home to be his little brother.

And again two years later when he’d become leader after the borrowed time that the Lees had given their lives to gain his father had finally run out.

If only he’d known that the one he’d have to fight hardest to protect Felix from would be himself.

“Hyungnim?” At Changbin’s voice, Chan rips his gaze away from the window with a jolt.

He has to focus. This negotiation is too important to fuck up.

With an effort, he wrenches his thoughts away from Felix and back to the problem at hand.

“My apologies gentlemen. Please continue.”

**

When the negotiation is finally over, they’ve gotten exactly what he needed. Chan feels exhausted down to his bones.

Below, Felix is still dancing. Still beautiful.

Chan lets his eyes rest on him for one more greedy second before he turns back to his men.  

“Head back to the compound. We’re done for the night. Collect Felix and Hyunjin on your way out.”

The others file out, but Jeongin remains.  

“Are you okay, hyungnim?” He asks, voice sweet, eyes sharp.

Jeongin is one of their youngest members, but also one of their most ruthless. His tongue can be as sharp as his cheekbones, but for all that, he’s loyal and willing to work hard for the family.

“Of course,” Chan says, because he’s always alright. When you’re head of the Family, there’s no other option.

“There’s been so much going on lately,” Jeongin says, sympathetically, “The Hwang family takedown, this mess with Kwangya…no one would blame you, if you were stressed. If you needed to…relieve that stress.”

“Oh?” Chan says. His whole body is on alert, just from one everyday proposition. And maybe he’s got the wrong idea, maybe…

“Yes, hyungnim. I’d be happy to let you…unload your stress, if you wanted.” His voice is careful, unimpeachably polite. It’s the faint smirk that curls on Jeongin’s wide mouth that does most of the work to make Chan certain that he’d had exactly the right idea about what Jeongin is offering.

Chan thinks about Felix dancing, the undulation of his slim hips, the flash of taut abs as he’d raised his arms over his head. The tempting bump of his adam's apple as he’d thrown his head back.

Chan wants Felix so much that his teeth ache with it, that it feels like a weight on his back, like an ever present humming in his ears. His desire and his guilt are his constant companions. Felix is his first thought when he wakes up, and his last thought before sleep finally takes him. And when he sleeps, he dreams of Felix, the kind of dreams that have him waking up to sticky sheets.

Han would tell him he needs a therapist. Seungmin would tell him he needs to get his dick wet.

There’s only one of those he can actually do.

“Are you sure?” He asks. “Don’t think you’re obligated. That’s worse than a pity fuck.”

“No, hyungnim.” Jeongin agrees. His smile sharpens. “I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to. With all due respect, hyungnim, have you seen yourself? You’re hot, sir.” He laughs a little.

“Okay.” Chan says. “One thing though. Don’t call me hyungnim while I’m fucking you.”

“What should I call you?”

“Call me Hyung.”

###

“Yongbokie-hyung…”

Felix looks up to see Jeongin. Jeongin, who had wanted to be a priest before his older brother had been killed in a skirmish of turf. Instead of joining the church, Jeongin had joined the Bang family in his brother’s place to protect their baby brother.

Jeongin still has a sweet smile, even though he’s one of their coldest killers. He’s devoted to Chan and the rest of the gang, and if he looks up to Chan with all the loyalty that had been meant for the church, well, Felix gets it.

“What’s up?” Felix asks, smiling at him.

Jeongin holds up a wad of fabric. “If you’d headed back to the compound, could you give this back to hyung for me? He let me borrow it last night.”

It’s a shirt, Felix realizes, as he takes it automatically.  He’s about to ask which of their five hyungs Jeongin is talking about when he realizes.

This is Chan’s shirt.

“Since when do you call him Hyung?”

“Well, he told me to.” Jeongin’s easy smile falls from his face slowly, replaced by a grimace. “Shit, you know now that I think about it, that might have been situational.” He shrugs a little, as if to say, my bad. “Could you please return hyungnim’s shirt to him?  

Felix can’t feel his fingers anymore, even though he's holding the shirt so tightly they’re turning white at the tips.

“What was the situation?” He asks. He feels cold all over.

He tries to keep his voice neutral, but something must show in his face, because Jeongin blanches. Jeongin, who can kill with a smile on his face.

“What situation?” Felix asks again.

“Uh, while we were fucking?”

Felix thinks of Changbin coming down to escort him off the dance floor last night, after the meeting had ended. Hyunjin had been there, Han and Minho too. Seungmin. But Jeongin had not.

“You fucked at the club?”

The glass of the big window that looks down on the club is one-way glass, providing Chan with a bird’s eye view of anything that goes on without being seen himself. Felix had danced for himself last night, but in the back of his mind, he’d wondered if Chan might be watching him.

Chan could have been fucking Jeongin up against that window the whole time. Jeongin who is younger than Felix. Jeongin who Chan calls their maknae. Jeongin who had wanted to give himself to God. Jeongin, who had been given a seat at the table last night. Jeongin, who had been given Chan’s cock.

While Felix had been banished like a coddled little brother. Like he was helpless.

Felix feels something inside him snap.

He barely hears Jeongin’s answer, until he does.

“Of course not.” Jeongin says, “We went to the safe house on 24th.”

###

Chan’s not really sure why he thought that fucking Jeongin would help.

If anything, it made things worse.

It’s not Jeongin’s fault — he’s a good lay, enthusiastic, a nice mix of eager to please and confident in his skills, comfortable in his body and clearly enjoying himself.

It’s not his fault he’s not Felix.

But instead of feeling fulfilled, Chan feels emptier than before.  All the sex had done was make him realize how fucking meaningless it is, if it’s not Felix.

He stopped dating the year after he became leader. He’d told Han and Changbin that he was too busy for it, that it was too hard to find someone who could be trusted, that he wasn’t interested in a marriage to further the gang's ambitions.

But the truth is that Felix is the only one he wants.

And maybe that’s the sickest part of this — maybe it wouldn’t be so hard if it all he wanted was to fuck Felix. But the truth is he wants Felix in his bed, yes, but he wants Felix in his home, in his life, forever. As his.

The truth is Felix is his home.

The truth is Felix is his life.  

The truth is that Felix is his entire world.

And he would burn everything down — everything he’s built, everything his father and his fathers father built, to make Felix happy.

Because it’s not just about sex. It was never just about sex. And that’s why he shouldn’t have fucked Jeongin.

Because all he’s done is forced himself to admit the awful truth to himself all over again.

He’s in love with Felix.

And he can never ever let him know.

###

Felix is good at burning things.

It had been one of the first lessons he’d learned, when he’d come to the Bang’s.

“You’re making him burn down his own house?” Han had been aghast. “That’s fucked up, Channie-hyung.”

Han had been so agitated that he’d forgotten himself enough to address Chan as though they were still kids. As if he’d been able to see his childhood playmate in the man who had shaken his head, stone-faced.

“It’s necessary, is what it is.” Chan had said. “The Lee house is too much of a liability. The evidence, the information in that building would be enough to destroy us. And there’s no way to be sure we’d found all of it. This is the only way to keep the Family safe.”

“I want to do it.” Felix had told Han. The last thing he wanted was to come between Chan and anyone else in the gang. He’d been so grateful to them for taking him in, for treating him like he belonged, and giving him a new family.

Besides, what did his old house matter? It was just a building now, with his family gone. A place of memories and pain. Better to wipe it out of existence.

Minho-hyung had been patient, teaching him how to set the fire. Showing him the right way to do everything.

And when he’d stood therein the few minutes before Changbin had arrived to take them away, watching the house he’d grown up in burn, he’d felt cleansed. Like he was burning away his grief along with it.

As Felix sets the first fire in the bedroom, as he pours the gasoline on the sheets where Chan fucked Jeongin, as he watches the flames consume them, Felix does not feel cleansed.

He can’t get Jeongin’s stammered excuses out of his head.

‘Hyungnim just seemed so stressed.’

‘I just wanted to help him out.’

Felix should be the one helping Chan. Felix should be the one taking away his stress.

The one letting him unload all this stress and his frustration and his pain and his hunger and everything. Chan should be pounding it inside Felix’s body, writing it on his walls, etching it into his skin with his hands and his teeth.

Felix knows he could be so good for Chan, he could take away everything that’s worrying him, everything that’s haunting him, he could take away every single thought except for how good he feels, he could give Chan moments, hours of bliss. Let Chan use him until he couldn’t remember his name, until he had lost all words and all thoughts, all meaning except as a vessel for everything Chan needs to give him.

Felix could be everything for him. He knows, because Chan is everything for him.

“It was nothing,” Jeongin had said. “Really.”

But Chan had told Jeongin to call him Hyung. So it doesn’t feel like nothing.  It feels like everything.

A month after he’d come to live with the Bangs, Chan had called Felix pretty for the first time.

“You’re pretty.” He’d said. “You’re too pretty for your own good. You’re pretty, and worse than pretty, you have this light inside you, like you have a little sun inside you.”

His words had made Felix feel a warm

glow inside his chest, like he really did have a sun inside himself.

But Chan’s face was serious as he continued, “People here in this world see beauty and warmth and happiness as weakness. So you need to be able to protect yourself out there. I will always, always protect you, but I need you to protect yourself too. And the way we do that is that you need to convince those motherfuckers that it’s all an act. That behind your pretty face and your lovely smile, you’re their worst nightmare”

And so that is what Felix had done.

It hadn’t really been hard to convince their enemies that Bangchan’s newly acquired flower boy of little brother was, in the words of Han, ‘a fucking psychopath’.  After all, gangland has always known that it’s the most normal looking motherfuckers who end up being the craziest. Just look at Seungmin.

It had been fun, too, sort of like acting, hopped up on too much candy and playing someone who hadn’t been shattered by the murder of his entire family, playing someone who just had fun with all of this, someone who wasn’t scared of anyone or anything.

But as he watches the safehouse on 24th burn, for the first time ever, Felix truly feels as crazy as everyone thinks he is.

###

Chan knows the moment he gets the news about the fire at the safe house on 24th that it was Felix. He’d know Felix’s signature anywhere.

If possible, he would have kept the matter private, but the news spreads fast among those in the know, who are predictably uneasy about someone burning down their safe house. The lower ranking members are especially loud about it, glad for a chance to have Chan’s ear over something, even a bunch of nonsense conspiracy theories about their enemies.

He lets them talk themselves out while he thinks things through. Felix’s lovely face is a pretty blank mask, and Chan can’t help feeling a pang at the sight of it, thinking of the boy who had come to him that cold night in February all those years ago, the grief and rage and love there on his face for everyone to see.

Those all too visible emotions were the very first thing he’d trained out of his new brother.

“I’m not telling you not to feel,” He’d said, over and over, “you just can’t let me see it.”

The harshest training imaginable couldn’t have kept Felix from feeling and Chan can only be glad. Because Felix feels so much about everyone and it’s beautiful. It’s beautiful and so rare — and there had been something about those fierce emotions that had called up in Chan an intensity of feeling that he had thought he had lost long ago.

Felix is like a flower blooming in the shit that is Chan’s life — lovely and sweet and pure, and Chan will do whatever he needs to do to keep him that way.

To keep him, period.

Suddenly he’s tired of sitting through another explanation he knows isn’t true when he could be getting to the bottom of this.

“If it was Oh, I’ll just remind him how dirty all that money that funded his campaign was.” Chan raises a hand to quell further complaint. “But I have a lead, and I’ll handle it.”

After that he calls a swift end to the meeting. He keeps it casual as he adds, “Felix, you stay. There was something I wanted to get your opinion on.”

No one raises an eyebrow as they file out. There’s nothing out of the ordinary about Chan having a little chat with his brother, after all.

But when Chan turns back to face Felix after Changbin has closed the door behind him on his way out, Felix’s fingers are pressed to his neck, to count his pulse.

It’s a tell that Chan had squelched ruthlessly out of him.  These days Felix only ever does it rarely. And only when he and Chan are alone.

Maybe that’s why Chan feels like it’s just for him, why he can’t help thinking about it in a different context. Why he can’t sleep some nights, imagining it’s his hand sliding over the beating pulse in Felix’s neck while his other hand works Felix’s cock, counting the rhythm climb higher as he brings Felix closer and closer to orgasm.

In this context however, it means Felix knows he’s been caught red-handed. Chan wonders if Felix will confess it himself if he waits a beat, but decides to spare him the suspense.

“Lix, why would you burn down our safe house?”

He tries to keep it neutral, so Felix will know he’s not angry, just confused, and maybe a little disappointed. In Felix maybe, but mostly in himself.

Felix presses his lips together. “If you knew it was me, why didn’t you tell them during the meeting?”

“I was covering your ass,” Chan tells him sternly. Then he softens his tone. “You should know I’ll always cover for you. I just want to know why you did it. I’d expect something like this of Seungmin, maybe even Han, but you?”

He so rarely has to take Felix to task for anything.

The last few months have been an anomaly. Maybe Minho is right and Felix is going through some sort of belated adolescence, rebelling because he finally feels stable and safe enough to do so.

Or maybe he’s chafing at this life, maybe his parents death should have been the opportunity for Felix to get out in a way that had never been an option for Chan.

But Chan had been selfish back then, selfish and grieving himself. The Lees had been like an aunt and uncle to him, Felix’s sisters like his own. There had even been talk of marrying Chan off to Rachel, back when they were kids, when his grandfather was still alive and big on alliances formed through wedding rings and marriage contracts rather than crime rings and business contracts. So Chan had told himself that there was no other option than for this boy who had been like a brother to be raised as one, to become a part of their family.

The truth was that even if there had been another option, he wouldn’t have been able to give it to Felix. He’d needed Felix too much.

He still does. His own happiness is secondary to the gang. But Felix? He needs Felix to be happy, no matter what.

“Are you feeling stagnant?" He asks, when Felix hasn't replied. "You’ve mentioned wanting to go on more missions a few times. I’m still not okay with you doing anything I think is too dangerous, but we can talk about it if you want.”

Felix is the only one in the gang that he can talk to like this, the only one he wants to indulge. And maybe that’s another reason why he’d been so hard on Felix, because what was the alternative? Keeping him locked away, somewhere soft and perfumed and cozy, making sure he was always happy, always comfortable, always pampered and indulged.

And that’s another fantasy that’s taken on another tone in the past few years, Felix fucked out and pleasure drunk on silken pillows, flushed and gorgeous and blissed out.

Felix just glares at him, his cheeks almost as pink as they are in Chan’s fantasy.

“Of course I want you to trust me more.” He says. “I’m here at your right hand. Use me!”

And that’s the problem isn’t it? Chan can think of too many ways he wants to use Felix. With his right hand, his left hand—

“But that’s not why I burned down that particular safe house.” Felix finishes, wrenching Chan back into the moment.

“Then why?” Chan asks, at a loss.“Whatever it is, arson isn’t the answer here. You know you can talk to me about anything. Why did you do it?”

Felix’s eyes are burning, burning like he looked so deep into the flames that Chan can see them too.

“Don’t let anyone else call you Hyung.”  

And then he turns on his heels, and stalks out of the room.

###

The safe house should have been the end of it.

It should have been enough to wipe out the scene of the crime, even if he couldn’t change the reality of it. And maybe it would have been, if not for the way Chan had confronted him about it.

If he’d seemed mad, if he’d seemed anything other than bewildered and disappointed, like Felix is his goody two shoes little brother who’s belatedly found his rebellious streak.

Instead, it’s not enough at all. Felix’s jealousy, his impotent rage is just as hungry as those flames, devouring everything inside him.

Instead, the safe house is just the beginning.

###

For the next two weeks, fires rage in the city.

Nothing strategic, buildings the gang owns more as financial insurance than anything else, places that only an insider would even know about.

Chan marks them off on the map in his office, until it’s scarred with black exes, a testament to Felix’s rebellion. It hurts Chan’s heart to see it. To wonder what demons have come for his Felix.

In the old days, Felix would have come to him, shared his worries. Maybe if he waits, Felix will still come to him.

“Aren’t you going to punish him?” Han asks. “Take him to task?

Chan hates the way the question gets into his head, the pictures it conjures of Felix across his lap, his pert ass spanked cherry red.

“Are you asking, or Minho?” Chan asks sharply, even though he’s more angry at himself than at Han for talking to his boyfriend about all this.

It’s a Minho question, after all, he was in charge of the wet work before Seungmin joined. These days he handles interrogations, and he never fails to get the information they need. Besides, Minho taught Felix everything he knows about arson. If Chan knows his signature, Minho has to have seen it too.

Han has the good grace to look sheepish. “Still, it’s a fair question.”

“Sooner or later, other people will find out it’s Felix,” Changbin says. “And even his rep will only excuse so much.”

Han nods. “People will talk, if you let him run wild.”

“Just wait.” Chan says. “He’s working something out. Let it run its course.”

“And if it doesn’t?” Changbin asks.

“Then I’ll handle it.”

###

“You should just talk to him, Yongbok-ah.” Hyunjin says, as they watch the warehouse’s roof fall in with a tremendous crash of sparks. “Tell him how you feel.”

“That defeats the whole purpose.” Felix answers. The heat is so powerful that his skin hurts a little, even from all the way across the street. “He needs to see me as someone other than his 'little brother' on his own, not because I told him to.”

God, he’d been so proud to be Bangchan’s little brother, in the beginning. Not just for the protection of the name, even though it had been tangible protection he’d been grateful for when he’d been a scared, unsure kid who’d just lost his parents and his home in one awful night, but for Chan’s fierce voice, telling him "Always find me, whenever you need anything. We’re brothers now. And I’ll never let anything happen to you.”

Felix had never needed to look to find Chan because he had always been with him, his shadow, hanging on his every word. Chan had been strict on him, in those early days, but Felix had never minded, no matter how hard his training was, because he wanted to be a member of the Family just like everyone else, to be able to be a weapon in his brother's right hand.

But now he wants to be a firecracker. Something too dazzling and bright and dangerous to look away from.

In the distance, Felix can hear the wail of fire trucks. It’s time to go. His skin already feels grimy from the ash in the air anyway.

He looks over at Hyunjin. The firelight gilds his gorgeous profile, making him look like a work of art. Felix is so glad that Hyunjin is theirs now, that his own family was too stupid and power hungry to see that as beautiful as his face is, his heart is even more beautiful.

“If he still sees me as this immature kid brother who needs to be protected, he’s never going to fuck me, Jinnie.”

“Or love you the way you want.” Hyunjin says, because he always gets to the point. He’s also a romantic.

Felix doesn’t answer, because unlike him, Hyunjin seems to have no trouble getting loved the way he wants.

Hyunjin has been playing hard to get with Changbin for almost a year now. Bangchan’s second lieutenant seems perfectly happy to chase him, to flirt every chance he gets, to let Hyunjin see that he wants more than his pretty face.

And anyway, they both know Hyunjin’s right.

If Felix only wanted sex from Chan this would be so much easier.

It’s just that sex is the holy grail, the simplest proof he can get that Chan doesn’t see him as his brother anymore. That maybe he could love Felix the way he should, the way Felix loves him, like his love is a fire that has devoured him body and soul.

“I think you need to fight fire with fire.” Hyunjin says. “You want him to fuck you, you need to show him you’re fuckable.”

****

It’s Changbin who gives him the opportunity he needs.

While Felix was training, Chan hadn’t let him go with the gang when they went out, so he’d found a way to make himself useful to the others when they came back, helping to massage their sore muscles, wanting to take away some of their pain. Years later, he old habit hasn’t died, and he’s still the gang’s resident masseuse.

So when Changbin comes home the worse for wear a few days later, it’s second nature for Felix to ask if he wants a massage, and as usual, Changbin agrees with relish.

There’s really nothing out of the ordinary for him to end up on Changbin’s bed, straddling Changbin with a knee planted on either side of his shirtless torso, kneading the muscles of his back.

Changbin groans as Felix works on a particularly deep knot.

“Fuck, you’re good at this, Yongbok-ah.”

By now Felix knows each of the members body’s intimately — more intimately than he’s known any of his lovers, although he’s not sure if hook ups without romance or even penetration merit the name of lover. The fact is that by now he could recognize all of his members by touch alone, could make out Chan’s broad back, or Han’s tiny waist, could instantly tell Hyunjin’s dancers body from Changbin’s beefcake.

On a purely aesthetic level, he loves massaging Changbin, loves how hard and broad he is. The feel of all that muscle under his fingertips always sends a thrill through him.

As the massage continues, Changbin is holding himself more stiffly, when it should be the opposite. He should be putty by now, the way Felix has worked him over.

Felix slides up a little further, resting more of his weight to reach the base of Changbin’s neck, and he does so, he hears Changbin gasp.

He freezes.

Beneath him, Changbin freezes too.

“Changbinnie-hyung?”

“I’m sorry.” Changbin says immediately. He doesn’t turn around, but Felix can see the tips of his ear are red. “It’s just been a long — well, a long month, honestly, and I guess I’m a little pent up, and, god this is mortifying. Look, I guess just…take it as a compliment? But I really am sorry, and I get it if you want to uh, go.”

Okay, so the thrill that goes through Felix now is not entirely aesthetic, and it’s definitely not pure.

Because burning down the warehouse hadn’t felt enough like revenge.

But this?

This does.

“Aw, such a gentleman,” Felix teases, because he is, honestly, and god knows there are precious few true gentlemen in their world. “I could go,” He says slowly. “Or…I could suck your dick?”

“Jesus Christ, Yongbok.” Changbin says. But Felix felt his hips kick at the words. “Scoot off for a sec, okay?”

He does, and Changbin turns around, apparently no longer embarrassed by the very promising looking erection tenting his shorts, now that he knows Felix isn’t horrified by it.

“Honestly, I’d really like that. But I just need to make sure. You know I’m in love with Hyunjin, right?”

“I know,” Felix tells him gently, giving him his most comforting smile. “And I’ve been rooting for you two since day one. But this doesn’t have anything to do with Jinnie. It’s just…a little stress relief. Right?” He looks up at Changbin through his lashes as he says it, a little pleading, a lot inviting, and just like he expected, Changbin nods.

“Stress relief,” He echoes. “Fuck it. Yeah, okay.”

“I promise it’ll be healing,” Felix tells him. “So, you want me on my knees…or?”

***

And honestly, it is healing.

Felix loves sucking dick. He hasn’t done it in a while, but he’s still done it enough that he can just let muscle memory take over if he wants to zone out. He doesn’t want to zone out with Changbin, though. He wants to remember everything: the way Changbin, whose voice echoes through warehouses and alleys and clubs actually goes quiet during it, the way he lets Felix feel how strong he is with every thrust, hands anchored firm in Felix hair. The way he tastes, the way he’s almost too big for Felix to fit in his mouth. Felix wants to remember it all, just in case he needs to use these details as proof.

The most healing part though, is how Felix imagines Chan watching them, wishing he was in Changbin’s place.

***

Hyunjin doesn’t come home until later, until Felix is already showered and scrubbed clean, the taste of Changbin long replaced by the mint of his toothpaste. He waits until Hyunjin heads back to his room, clad in similarly cozy pajamas, his hair still pulled back with a terry cloth headband, his skin gleaming from remnants of a face mask, before he pounces, more like a kitten than a tiger, to snuggle his way under the covers with Hyunjin.

One of the first things Minho had taught Felix was that most people balked at murder if it was too up close and personal, were less likely to slide the knife between vulnerable ribs if the blood would splash on their own skin. Especially if they’d felt affection for the person they were supposed to be stabbing. The same principle, Minho had explained, meant most people wouldn’t expect the person lying next to them to stab them, either.

Sometimes Felix wonders if he and Hyunjin had started cuddling out of some sort of mutual understanding of that phenomenon, Hyunjin willing to do anything to stay alive in the house of his former rivals, and Felix wanting to keep an eye on the boy who had been given as a gift to the man Felix wanted all to himself.

Instead of murder, they’d found affection, the kind they’d both been starving for. Instead of betrayal and mistrust, against all odds they’d found loyalty and friendship.

Felix knows Hyunjin is in love with Changbin. He also knows that Hyunjin is the last person to attach emotion to sex where there shouldn’t be any. And he knows Hyunjin will understand why it had to be Changbin. Chan has two best friends, two lieutenants, but Minho would murder Felix if he touched Han. Slowly and painfully. (Or maybe quickly, after all Minho does have a soft spot for Felix.)

Still, Felix wants Hyunjin to find out about the whole thing from him, rather than from the grape vine whose wrath he’s counting on to rapidly bring the tale to Chan’s ears.

“I took your advice,” He says, nuzzling into Hyunjin’s side. “But I need you to know it wasn’t planned. Changbinnie-hyung asked for a massage and I just had to. To hit Hyung where it would hurt. To make him really pay attention.”

He can tell Hyunjin understands by the way his body goes not stiff, but quiet, watchful.

“We didn’t fuck,” he says quickly. He’s not sure if the distinction matters to Hyunjin the way it matters to him, because Hyunjin hadn’t had the luxury for that kind of romanticism, but Felix still wants to be clear. “I sucked him off, that’s all.”

“Don’t tell Hyungnim that.” Hyunjin says, after a moment. “Let him think it was more. For maximum impact.”

They’re quiet for a while, sharing warmth.

“You should let him catch you, Jinnie.” Felix says quietly.

Hyunjin’s mouth is resting close to Felix’s hair, so that he almost feels the answer rather than hears it.

“…I really want to.”

“Then you should.”

***

Felix expects the rumor to spread like wildfire. After all, he planted it himself.

But the night goes by, and most of the next day, and eventually, he can’t help it, he asks Han if anyone has told Bangchan’s yet.

“Nah, you’re good,” Han says, clearly misunderstanding his reason for asking. “No one wants to get you in trouble with Best Leader over there. Your secret’s safe with us.”

Felix forces a smile, but it feels more like a grimace. Even the rest of the gang treats him like he’s a naughty kid in danger of being grounded.

Fine then.

He knows one way to assure that Chan finds out. He’ll just tell Chan himself.

###

Chan is at the breakfast table, nursing a cup of coffee.  So many difficult, distasteful things have gotten so easy for him, but coffee isn’t one of them.

Although the days when he couldn’t drink it without making a face are long gone,                                            taste is bitter on his tongue. As always, it reminds him of the days after his father had died and he’d forced himself to drink cup after cup of acrid black coffee out of his father’s old mug. Just another thing Chan hates that he’d forced himself to do for the sake of his image as Bangchan. The man who would rule the city.  

“It’s just coffee.” Felix had said. “Does it really matter?”

“Everything matters.” Chan had said sternly. He’d been so stern back then, a newly minted adult and trying so hard to assume the role of leader, to be everything for all of them. He’d spent his life being groomed for it, and still it had felt too soon, the grief over his father’s unexpected death making it weigh heavy on him. “I can’t let them see the tiniest crack, Lix. I have to be everything my father was — and more. I can’t fuck this up.”

Felix had watched him, his eyes red from weeping, his mouth twisting. Felix had loved Chan’s father like his own, had been a joy and a comfort to him, the way he was to everyone.

The night his father had died, Felix had curled up in Chan’s arms and wept harder than Chan had ever seen him, even harder than after his family had been killed.

“I hate this.” Felix had said low and fierce.

“I know, Lixie.” Chan had said. “But we’ll find the men who did this and we'll make them wish they’d never been born. And then I’ll make this gang so strong no one will ever dare to come for us again.”

“I know you will.” Felix said. “But that’s not what I mean. I hate that you have to drink coffee if you hate it. I hate that you have to take all this on. What’s the point of being leader if you hate what it means?”

“I don’t hate what it means.” Chan said automatically. “Because it means that I can protect you. And the others too. That’s the point of being leader. Making sure you’re safe and happy.”

“I can’t be happy if you’re not happy, hyung.” Felix had said, and he’d looked so, so sad.

“I will be.” Chan had promised him. “I’ve got Han and Changbin, and I’ve got you. And that’s all I need to be happy.”

Felix had slept in his bed the rest of the week, curled around him for comfort. And Chan still isn’t sure just who was comforting whom.

In the three years since he became leader in the wake of his father’s murder, he has done terrible things, things that would turn another man’s stomach. But the only thing he truly feels guilty for is that even in the midst of mourning his father, he had cradled Felix in his arms and he had been glad of all the death that had brought Felix to his home, and then to his bed.

A week to the day of his father’s murder, Felix had returned to his own room, and Chan has never slept as well again.

But Felix is still in his house, his little brother, his reason for his happiness. His reason for every gang war he’s won. Everything he’s done has been to keep Felix safe and happy. Even if everything he does only makes him more unworthy of the sunshine lighting the darkness of his life.

Chan looks up from the papers he’s reading as Felix comes into the room.

“Morning, Lixie.”

“Morning.” Felix says, going to the sideboard and pouring his own cup of coffee. He doesn’t like it either but he always drinks it.

“It’s the least I can do,” He’d said. “I thought maybe if I drank some too, at least you’d know someone was sharing your pain. Even if it’s just a disgusting drink.”

Felix is too good for him. Too sweet for him. And no amount of spartan training had dimmed the light inside of him.

Felix sits down next to him, and Chan drinks him in with his eyes, sweet enough to make even this coffee bearable. He’s deadly and delicate, like a finely carved stiletto, soft and radiant as the dawn, and Chan would kill — has killed — for his smile.

“Sleep well?” Chan asks.

“Better than I have in ages,” Felix tells him. He takes a sip of coffee and then winces, rubbing his jaw. “I’ve been so stressed lately, but thanks to Changbin, all my stress has just melted away.”

“Oh yeah?” Chan eyes Felix’s jaw, which Felix is still rubbing absent-mindedly. “What’s wrong with your jaw?”

“Changbin.” Felix looks up at Chan through his lashes. “It’s not his fault. He’s just…so big.”

“Was he…sparring with you?” Chan asks. “If he went too hard on you, I’ll give him hell for it.”

“Is that what people call it these days?” Felix asks.

Chan stares at him, trying to understand what Felix is talking about, why his voice has gone all light and innocent. Why he’s looking at Chan the way he did when he was a teenager and he’d pulled off some prank.

“I don’t — What else would people call it?”

Felix laughs.

“I don’t mean his fists.” Felix says, poking his cheek lewdly with his tongue.

And all of a sudden, Chan gets it.

Gets that there’s only one way Changbin is big that would make Felix’s jaw ache. Only one way he’s relieved his stress.

“You…he…” He can’t even get the words out, can’t say it to make it real. “But why?”

“Why not?” Felix asks cheerfully.

The man Chan would trust with his life. And the man who is his life. He wonders if a knife in the back would hurt less than this does.

***

By the time Changbin enters his office, his shock and sadness have given way to anger. Not at Felix. Never at Felix.

“I was wondering when you’d come to apologize.” Chan says.

Changbin looks up at him with a quizzical expression. “I was just coming to remind you that we’re meeting with Jung’s people at the club in an hour. What am I supposed to be apologizing for?”

“For hurting Felix. He was rubbing his jaw the whole day. Said it was aching.”

Chan can see when it clicks, when the blank look in Changbin’s eyes sharpens to comprehension. But instead of looking contrite, Changbin sighs and rolls his eyes skyward. “Oh for the love of God. I should have known. Are we really doing this?”

“I don’t know,” Chan says, sourly. “You’re the one who seems to be doing things.”

Changbin throws his hands up. “What do you want me to say, sorry my dick's so big?”

Now Chan’s jaw is starting to ache from clenching his teeth so hard.

“How about saying you’re sorry for defiling him?”

Changbin snorts. “Look I don’t wanna be that guy, but since you’re being insane about this, he came onto me, okay?”

“You know how he is, he’s just touchy feely. He’s affectionate!”

“Okay, two things.” Changbin says. “One, if you’re trying to say I misread things, it’s pretty fucking hard to misinterpret ‘Want me to suck your dick?’ And two, he’s not a 16 year old kid anymore, he’s a grown man.”

“I know that.” Chan grits out. He doesn’t address thing number one because it makes him want to commit murder, and he’s trying to keep his body count down this year, at least the number he’s killed with his bare hands.

“Do you?” Changbin asks. “Anyway, the point is, he asked me, and I didn’t see a reason why not. I did nothing wrong and neither did he. And I don’t kiss and tell, but that was not a beginners level 101 blowjob, so I’d say Yongbokie has been touching AND feeling for a while now.”

“I’d say, maybe I only need one lieutenant.” Chan says, silkily.

Changbin laughs. He’s probably the only man in the world who would dare to laugh when Chan’s voice sounded like that.

“Seriously, it was just a little stress relief. As you know, my heart belongs to Hwang Hyunjin—”

“Then shouldn’t your dick be in his mouth?” Chan interrupts.

Changbin has the gall to look affronted. “We are not at that stage in the courtship.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I told Hyunjin about what you did.”

Changbin raises an eyebrow. “Please, I’m sure Felix has already told him. And if Hyunjin’s mad, he can take it up with me. That’s between us. If he does, so much the better.” He folds his massive arms across his equally massive chest.  

Usually, Chan is glad for Changbin’s bulk, all the better for protecting Felix. But now that he’s thinking about it in other contexts, he’s not so happy.

“The point is,” Changbin continues. “There’s nothing you can object to. If you’re mad that it was me, then fuck you, maybe you do only need one lieutenant. And if you’re mad that it wasn’t you, that’s your own shit to figure out.”

He leaves before Chan can answer.

###

“Well,” Felix sighs to Hyunjin later that day. “That was a total bust.”

Hyunjin grimaces sympathetically. “So he didn’t care?”

“Oh, he cared,” Felix says, “But he acted more like I’d kicked a kitten or something.”

“Ew,” Hyunjin’s pretty nose wrinkles. “Not exactly the sweeping fit of possessive jealousy you were hoping for. So I guess the plan is off then? Don’t worry, Yongbokie, I’m sure—”

“Oh no, the plan is very much on. I think that maybe Changbinnie-hyung was just too close to home. So from now on, I’m just going to fuck around with strangers. Wanna come to the club with me?”

“No thank you,” Hyunjin says. His voice is polite, but his face is not.

“Actually,” Felix realizes, “that’s a better idea. I wouldn’t want Hyung to direct any misguided rage at you once he finds out I’m slutting it up. And you should stay home with Changbin. By the way, he has a really nice dick, you’ll be really happy, Jinnie.”

Hyunjin’s face softens. “Thanks, Yongbokie. I hope so. Now go get your…men, so you can go get your man.”

***

It takes Felix no time at all to find a guy. In fact, he has to turn a few down because it happens so fast that Chan hasn’t even gotten to the club yet.

He’s off to the side, dirty dancing with a very enthusiastic guy with muscles and tattoos, when he feels Chan arrive.

It’s like a frisson going through the club. Everyone pauses momentarily, like they can feel on a visceral, animal level that the man who calls the shots has stepped into the room. Like even the ones who don’t know who he is can tell he’s someone. Felix can’t help it, he cranes to look over the guy’s shoulder to drink in the sight, the way everyone falls back to make a path for Bangchan to cut through the crowd, like a shark through the water.

Chan is always so handsome he takes Felix’s breath away, but when he’s in leader mode like this, wearing power and danger as easily as his sharp three piece suit, it sends a rush of lust through Felix like his veins are full of lighter fluid and Chan is a match.

His cock throbs at the sight of him, the desire sharp and sweet and dangerous, because tonight he is playing with fire. Tonight he wants Chan to burn him.

The state he’s in — that Chan has put him in — does not go unnoticed by his dance partner.

“So eager. Why don’t you come on back to my place, pretty boy?” The guy says. “We can have some real fun.”

“I like the vibe here,” Felix tells him. “And I think we can have a lot of fun. How about we go upstairs?”

“Yeah? You need me so bad you can’t wait, huh?" The guy preens.

“I’ve got a room we can use. Come on.” Felix takes the guy's hand, pulling him towards the upper level where the gang's private rooms are.

The guy's eyes gleam and he laughs. “You like to live dangerously, baby?”

Felix grins, the adrenaline sweet and bitter at all once. “You have no idea.”

***

Felix shepherds the guy out of the room, just as Chan comes down the hallway. There’s a frenetic, restless energy running through Felix, the rush heightened by the latent arousal that is entirely from anticipating this moment and not his purposefully interrupted hookup.

He tamps it down, tempers his smile and makes his voice cheerful, casual.

“Oh, sorry, hyung, he was with me.” Felix says. “Sorry about that, hyung, I didn't realize it was time for your meeting already.”

Chan takes a step towards him, and then stops abruptly. Then he takes another step forward, until he walks Felix straight back into the room.

“What are you doing here? Are you meeting with people behind my back?” He asks.

Felix almost rolls his eyes at that. “We weren’t exactly discussing gang business. We weren't really doing much talking at all. My mouth was otherwise occupied.”

He sees it flare in Chan’s eyes as it clicks. “Are you fucking serious, Felix? Changbin was one thing, but this? Who the fuck is he?”

Felix shrugs. “It’s a little loud. Introductions are sort of pointless on the dance floor, you know?”

“You don’t. Know. His Name?”

Felix shrugs again. “I mean, I  would have asked, eventually?”

“Eventually?”

“Sure. I kind of think it's good etiquette to at least have a name to call out. Don’t you?”

A muscle twitches in Chan’s forehead, but he doesn’t say anything.

Maybe he’s just furious. Maybe this is some outdated protective older brother shit where he’s worried about Felix’s virtue.

But maybe not. And Felix needs to find out.

So he keeps talking. “I mean, if things go further in that direction.”

“What direction.” It’s sharp, like Chan barks orders, instead of a question.

Sometimes Felix wonders if his wires got crossed somehow, having that kind of harsh, strict training just as he was in his late teens, learning what he liked. Because when Chan talks like this, it always turns him on.

But then again, everything Chan does turns him on. The fond head pats and goofy smile that Chan reserves for Felix, hidden away in the complex where no one from the outside can see…that soft almost bashful Chan is just as sexy as stern, cold leader Chan is.

“Oh,” Felix says, keeping it innocent. “The direction of the nearest safe house maybe. Somewhere that no one could hear us. If we’d left together, I definitely would have told him my name. He would have needed a name to say. You know?”

Chan’s jaw tightens.

Felix cocks his head, like he’s thinking. “Although. I don’t mind being called other things… Good boy. I really like that one. Pretty boy…”

Chan makes a noise low in his throat. The sound hits Felix’s blood like gasoline, and the rush of lust and triumph almost makes his gasp.

Chan wants him. Chan wants him.

He takes a long breath. When he speaks again he pitches his voice low.

“You think I’m pretty, right? I remember. You told me I was pretty once. Too pretty for my own good, I think you said, right?”

“…Yeah.” The word scrapes out of Chan’s throat.

Felix swears to God he can see the shape of Chan’s erection, pressed against his fancy slacks. It makes his mouth water. He has to swallow hard. Chan’s eyes follow the movement of his throat.

“Well, I like being called both those things. Pretty, and good. Or…slut, that’s good too.”

“Lixie—" Chan says. The name he calls Felix only when they're alone. It’s low and tortured, and Felix thinks, is this it? After all this time?

“You haven’t called me that,” Felix says. “Although maybe you’re thinking about it now. Since you found me about to suck off a guy whose name I don’t know. But for me…I feel like it’s less about who I’m with or how many…and more about how much I want it. I’d rather be a slut for someone, you know?”

“Stop.” Chan says. His hands are balled into fists at his side. They’re shaking.

Felix feels wild, like he’s finally been pushed to the edge and he can feel the pull of gravity. He just has to take a deep breath, and step off the cliff.

He does take a deep breath before he says it.

“For you, actually.”

###

I’d rather be a slut for you.

It hits Chan like a bullet to the chest, and he has to take a step back to absorb the impact.

“What are you saying?”

It’s shock more than actual incomprehension, but Felix answers.

“You’re hard right now, aren’t you, Channie-hyung? I’d be so pretty on my knees for you. You know I would, right? I’d be so good for you, hyung.”

He’s been thinking of Felix on his knees since Felix had told him about Changbin — since way, way before that — has imagined it so many times that sometimes, he feels like it’s actually happened: Felix sinking to his knees, pictured digging his hands into Felix's pale gold hair not because he needed to but because he wanted to, because Felix would like it if he pulled a little, because the idea of it got him so hard it hurt. Felix’s pretty pink lips wrapped around his cock, tears gathering at his eyes because he’d swallow Chan down to the root. Imagined being so deep down Felix’s throat that he’d barely taste it when Chan came, so that he’d pout about it in that pretty way always used to get his besotted older brother to buy him things, like the bright red fur coat he was wearing now. And Chan would still be hard, so that he could give Felix more, because he always gave Felix what he asked for, whenever he could.

And right now, Felix is offering him that.

It’s everything he’s dreamt of and his worst nightmare all at once.

“Stop.” He says again. And he takes another step back, this time on purpose.

All he wants is to take what Felix is offering, but he can’t. He can’t. If he does, he’ll hate himself even more than he already does. Because murder is one thing. That’s the life he was born into.

But this…

If he claims Felix the way he wants to, he’ll be condemning Felix to a life here with the man who has taught him to hide everything precious so deeply inside himself that sometimes Chan worries it will finally be snuffed out. He will ruin Felix once and for all for anything but this life. Felix deserves to stand in the sunlight, not in the darkness.

He’s shaking his head hard, so Felix can’t misunderstand, because he is hard, because if shame had a negative effect on Chan's arousal, he’d never get hard.

“You don’t know what you’re saying.” He says.

Felix’s eyes go wide with surprise and confusion for a moment, before he smiles. It’s almost sweet, with his pink mouth and his pretty freckled cheeks.

Chan knows this smile, it’s the one Felix reserves for when he thinks Chan is being an idiot, and he’s about to mock him for it. Little brother privileges, he’s said. Chan’s chest is burning, like he has acid pumping through it instead of blood.

“I mean, I thought what I said was pretty clear.” Felix says, like he’s humoring Chan. “But I can be clearer, if that’s what you’re into. Want me suck to your cock, Channie-hyung?”

Want me to suck your cock?

It’s the same thing Felix had said to Changbin. Had Felix said it to the man tonight? The one whose name he didn’t even know? The acid is burning in Chan’s veins now.

What he wants is to make Felix understand that Chan’s cock is the only one he should be sucking. What he wants to tie Felix up under his desk, chain him in the room where Minho brings the reluctant informants, where no other man can even see him, so he knows that he belongs to Chan, that his mouth belongs to Chan, and —

“You know, hyung, I don’t have a gag reflex.”

He’s so cute when he says it, bragging a little like he used to when he’d hit all the targets at the gun range, like it’s just another skill he mastered to make Chan proud.

Chan wants to ask Hyunjin to gather intel on every single man Felix has ever been with so he can line them up and execute them one by one. Because it should have been Chan’s cock training Felix’s throat, helping him open up little by little, nudging deeper, as he stroked Felix's hair and told him what a good boy he was, how he knew Felix could take it…

But you were never gentle when you trained him to do anything, says the voice in his head. You know it wouldn’t have been like that.

It’s the old familiar regret curdling in his stomach, but at least it brings him back to his senses.

This is Felix. His little brother.

The boy who would be dead if Chan hadn’t taken him in.

“You don’t want me.” Chan tells him. “Not really.”

Felix’s fine brows furrow. “What?”

“You're confusing gratitude with lust — for the security I provide for you. It’s not real.”

Felix gives a short peal, high of laughter. Not long enough to deepen into his belly laugh, the one Chan loves.

“I’m not a 17 year old kid with a crush anymore. I know what I feel.”

And maybe he does. But what he feels is nothing like what Chan feels. It can’t be.

Maybe the lust is as real as the gratitude, but Chan knows it will run its course, if he gives in. If he takes Felix up on his crazy offer, Felix will get it out of his system. And maybe that would be the kindest thing to do, to let that happen.

But if Chan gets a taste of Felix only to never have him again, he won’t survive it. Felix has already ruined him for anyone else. But if he has Felix, he’ll never want anyone else again. And he can’t live like that.

“I can’t.” He says. “I can’t do this.”

Felix deserves so much better.

“But you’re the only one that I want.”

Felix’s face is stricken as he says it, his eyes big and wet. Chan feels a rush of lust that only galvanizes him.

“It can’t be me.”

“Who then?”

“Anyone.” Chan tells him. “Anyone but me.”

Felix lifts his chin. “Anyone?”

###

So he takes Chan at his word.

Because even if the encounter in the club hadn’t given him what he wanted, it had given him what he needed: Proof positive that Chan wants him. Which means that Felix just needs to show him what he’s missing.  

So he does.

And this time, he may be fucking around, but he’s not fucking around. No more semi-clandestine hook ups at the club, hoping he’s orchestrated things properly so Chan sees him. He’s not leaving things to chance this time. He makes sure he’s everywhere Chan will be, in his eyeline.

He brings guys home to the compound. He doesn’t fuck them. If it happens…when it happens, he wants Chan to be his first in the one way left. But besides anal, nothing else is off the table.

The pleasure is cheap, compared to the thrill he gets, knowing, knowing how it must be getting to Chan.

###

It’s been a week of hell.

A week of Felix sauntering out of his room, wearing barely anything, to make sure whatever guy he had sex with leaves the compound safely. And they do leave safely, because Felix is all satisfied smiles and bare freckles and hot eyes and Chan can’t afford to start any gang wars.

But it’s a near thing, every single time.

Bangchan has made a lot of sacrifices as the leader of this gang. He’s the fourth generation and he’s not going to let his father, or any of them down. He was born for this, but even so, he’d had to shape himself for the role, carving off all the pieces that wouldn’t fit. All his weakness, all his morals, all his shame, all his fear.

But this is the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.

And then he walks into his office on a cold, gray afternoon, to find Felix spread out on his desk, with another man’s fingers buried inside him.

###

“What the fuck are you doing?”

The growled words crack through the air like thunder.

Bangchan.

The surprise and momentary fear alchemize into pure lightning sharp pleasure, as the guy fingering him actually jumps in surprise, the movement driving his fingers deeper inside Felix.

“What the fuck?” The guy yelps.

Felix turns his head to look at Chan.

Chan’s eyes pin him to the desk even more surely than the guy's hands.

“Who the fuck are you?” The guy continues, when Chan doesn’t answer. His eyes don’t leave Felix’s. Felix’s heart is racing, even harder than it had been only moments early, just from the sheer searing heat in that gaze.

“Don’t worry about him.” He says. “He’s just my brother. No need to stop on his account.”

Out of the very corner of his vision, he sees the guy shake his head.

“Shit,” the guy is saying, and the dread creeping into his voice tells Felix what’s coming before he says it. “You’re Bangchan.”

And even with this guy's fingers still in his ass, Felix’s thrills to the sound of Chan’s voice, cold and deadly as he replies.

“You’re fucking right I am. And he belongs to me.”

The words sink into Felix like static electricity, lighting him up, the triumph sweet and searing.

“Now get out of my fucking office before I make you wish you’d never been born.”

Chan doesn’t even give the guy time to react though, because moments later he’s hauling the guy up.

“M-my clothes!” The guy yelps, just as Bangchan drags him bodily across the floor.

“Forget your clothes.” Bangchan grits out. “You’re lucky to still have your breath.”

He’s made it to the door now, where he pauses, “And you, Felix. Stay there and put some fucking clothes on.”

Felix considers disobeying, just on principle. But a large part of him would do absolutely anything Chan ordered him to do, and besides, now that he’s not getting fingerfucked, it's pretty cold in the office.

So in the end, he hedges his bets, and puts on the extra white dress shirt Chan always has in his office. The last time he’d had to change into one, his old shirt had been soaked in the blood of the first and last person who had dared to question Hyunjin’s place in their gang. Hyunjin had later confided to Felix that it had been the only time he’d ever actually been attracted to Chan.

Gratitude disguised as lust.  Can he finally convince Chan that that isn’t what this is? That he knows love when he feels it?

And then the door swings open, and all his nerves dissipate.

###

Thank god Felix listened to him, because Chan honestly doesn’t know what he’d have done if he’d come back to find Felix still naked and spread out on his desk like that.

Except that he’s only wearing a shirt. Chan’s shirt. And the sight of Felix in his shirt is possibly the most erotic thing he’s ever seen. Even though Felix is bright eyed and flush cheeked from another man’s touch.

And suddenly the jealousy is choking him again.

“On my fucking desk? Really?” It’s all he can manage and still more than he should have said.

He half expects Felix to sass him, make some bratty comment. But instead he actually looks contrite, eyes wide and a little startled.

“I didn’t know you’d be back tonight.” He says. “I wanted you to know. But…after the fact. I… I didn’t mean for you to see all that.”

And now Chan is replaying what he must have looked like to Felix, and hating himself for it, for letting this rabid jealousy show But tonight that jealousy is so noxious that even his sick, crawling shame withers and dies in it.

“Then what did you mean?” He's unable to keep the sharpness from his voice.

His head is full of nothing but the image of another man’s fingers inside Felix. And surely he hadn’t gotten that good of a look, everything had happened so quickly, and yet in his mind's eye he can see it so clearly, the smooth glide and gleam of lube slick fingers buried up to the knuckle inside Felix’s tight hole, the pretty pink stretch of it.

The words scrape out of his throat. “Was it just some sick thrill, to let me know you’d let another man fuck you on my desk?”

 “You told me I should be with anyone but you.” Felix lifts his chin, his pretty mouth in moue that manages to look defiant too.

Chan wants to grab him under that pointed chin, lick his way into that pretty pouting mouth. His jealousy is a raging clawing thing inside him.

“I didn’t mean anyone and everyone!” Chan snaps. “I didn’t mean for you to go around fucking any jackass who looked twice at you!”

“Oh no, you don’t.” Felix is angrier than Chan has seen him in so long, his eyes flashing. His slim fingers are gripping the edge of the desk so hard they're white. “You’re the one pushing me into the arms of other people.

Felix slips off the desk, the white cotton of Chan's shirt riding up for a moment, exposing a flash of bare, flexing thigh that pins Chan in place like a knife to his throat.

“You’re supposed to be my little brother. I’m supposed to take care of you.”

"Your little brother." Felix laughs, high and sharp edged, as he takes a step towards Chan. “The thing is, gang leader or not, my brother doesn’t get a say in who I sleep with." Men cower in front of Chan, he has a whole city at its knees, and yet he is powerless to move away. “And when you walked in on me with another man, you didn’t call me your brother, in case you didn’t notice. You called me yours.”

He belongs to me.

Chan stops breathing.

“So I need to know which one it’s going to be. Because you can’t have it both ways. Either you’re my brother, and it’s none of your fucking business who I sleep with, or —"

“Or?”

Chan has been in many life threatening situations in his life. But he has never been so scared of what would come next.

“Or you're my lover, and no one will ever touch me but you.”

All he can hear is the ringing in his ears.

He knows which one he wants, which answer is written on his soul, stained deeper and more indelible than any bloodstain.

“Blood or no blood, when you joined the family, I swore an oath to you. My protection for your loyalty. And that includes protecting you from myself.”

 “You’ve given up so much to be leader. Don’t you dare give this up if you want it. If you want me.” Felix is still glaring at him, red spots burning in his cheeks. “You’re not the only one who swore an oath, hyung. I swore to be yours, remember?”

How could he ever forget. Felix’s face pale beneath his freckles, petite features composed, huge eyes red-rimmed and burning, as he stood in his funeral clothes.

‘From this day forward, I will live and die for this gang, and for the head of this family, Bangchan.’

“I remember.”

Felix’s eyes are burning as brightly as they had that day.

“So make me yours.”

It's the rush of superheated, ravenous lust and love that unfreezes Chan's limbs finally.

“You don’t know what you're asking for. Lix, the man I am, the things I've done...” Chan says, as he takes a step backward, towards the door.

Felix follows, refuses to let him run.

“You think I don’t know who you are? What you’ve done? The things you’ve done have made you the man you are, and you are perfect to me, hyung. The only unforgivable thing you've done is not love me the way I want you to.” Another step forward,  and Felix so close now, suddenly, that Chan could lean in and kiss him.

“You don’t want my love.” He’s almost whispering now, hardly daring to say it, except that he can’t keep it inside anymore, not when Felix is looking at him like this. “I want to ruin you for anyone else. I want to lock you away from the rest of the world so no one can touch you.”

“Your love is all I want.” Felix says. His voice is so low. “I don’t care about the rest of the world.  I would burn it all down for you. I tried to.”

Chan stares at him. He remembers Felix’s low, fierce voice: Don’t let anyone else call you Hyung.

There it is, the answer to the string of arson Felix has committed in the past two months and in the end it's simpler and more devastating than he ever imagined.

The safe house on 24th is where he had brought Jeongin that night.

“Is that what all those fires were about?” Chan asks slowly, the back of his neck prickling. He shouldn’t want this, shouldn’t feel this rush of something so sweet it almost feels like relief.

“I was so proud to call you Hyung. Because I thought that meant you were more mine than anyone else, that at the very least I got a piece of you that no one else did." Felix says fiercely. “But then you went and fucked Jeongin! You let him call you Hyung. I’m the only one who can call you that.”

And now Chan is the one who laughs, feeling on the edge of madness. “I only slept with Jeongin to stop thinking of you. I asked him to call me hyung because…because I pretended he was you.”

"Did it work?" Felix's voice is sweet like cyanide, and Chan thinks again of the city burning. And he loves it. God help him, he loves it.

"No." He says. "It just made everything so much worse."

“Good.” Felix says. “You gave him something that’s mine. Everything you felt that you put into Jeongin. That’s mine. I want all your lust and your jealousy and your anger and your fear and your love. Don’t give it to anyone else. It’s mine.”

The jealousy in Felix's voice is like gasoline in his blood, and if he's not careful, it will burn away all his shame, all his hesitation. It's his hands at the collar of Felix's shirt now, when he doesn't remember grabbing him. “Do you know what I wanted to do, seeing you spread out on my desk, with some fucking stranger’s fingers in your ass?”

Felix’s tongue darts out, to lick his lips. His eyes are huge and dark.

 “Tell me.” He breathes. Chan can feel the swift rise and fall of his chest beneath his knuckles.

“I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him for daring to touch you, because the only one who should be touching you like that is me.”

Felix laughs, and it’s low and full of triumph. “I wouldn’t have cared if you had killed him, as long as you told me I was yours. If you had come back here and held me down on your desk and slid straight inside my slick hole and fucked me until I cried.”

“Fuck, Felix…” Chan's hands are shaking where he's still holding Felix by his shirt. He wants that. He wants it so bad he can taste it. “You don’t know how I love you. You don’t know how greedy I am for you.”

 “Then show me.” Felix says. “I’m still ready for you. Open and slick and ready to take your cock. Please. I don’t want to be your brother anymore. I just want to be yours.”

Felix’s voice breaks on the last word, and that’s what finally shatters Chan’s control.

###

Felix’s back hits the wall with a thud, and it’s perfect because Chan is kissing him, devouring him, his mouth hot and hard on Felix’s. Felix grips tight to his sleeves, half afraid he’ll have second thoughts and pull away. But Chan just keeps kissing him, groaning into Felix’s mouth when Felix deepens the kiss even further, tangling his fingers in Chan’s hair.

Felix widens his legs so Chan can step between them, their bodies pressed together. Felix nudges his hips, grinding down on Chan’s erection, and Chan curses into his mouth. Chan’s hands are all over Felix like he can’t stop touching him, like he can’t get enough.

“Fuck me.” Felix says, breaking the kiss just enough to speak. “I can’t wait anymore. I need you. I need you inside of me.”

“Fuck, Lixie.” Chan groans. His hands slide down to cup Felix’s ass and then he lifts him up. Felix wraps his arms and legs around Chris and holds on tight as Chan lifts him.

Chan sets him down on the desk so carefully. Felix draws Chan close to him, tightening  his legs around him, pulling his head down to kiss him again.

“You look so good in my shirt.” Chan confesses, as he drops kiss after kiss on the exposed skin of Felix’s throat. “I’m going to wear this tomorrow, walk around all day in my shirt that smells like you.”

His hands are busy unbuttoning the buttons, and Felix helps him as best as he can, distracted by the trail of fire Chan leaves in the wake of his lips.

“Do you have a lot of meetings tomorrow?”

“So fucking many,” Chan grits out.

“Good,” Felix tells him. “Because I want you here in this room in this shirt, unable to do any work without thinking how you fucked me on it, how you made me cum all over your desk.”

“Oh Fuck,” Chan groans.  

“I want to kneel under the desk and suck you off while you take meetings with all those boring old men from Kwangya.”

“You’re so fucking dirty, baby.” Chan says and Felix shudders, the pet name searing through him. “I want that too,” He says. “You know how good my poker face is, Lixie, you know I can sit here discussing territory division with them, with your pretty lips around my cock, and not a single one will ever guess how tight my balls are, that I’m about to shoot my load down your pretty throat.”

“Yes, yes,” Felix moans. “I want that please. Or if you want, you can let them see. I don’t care if they know. If everyone knows how much of a slut I am for you.”

“Knows that we belong to each other.” Chan corrects. He’s helping Felix out of the shirt now with trembling hands. And Felix is trembling now too, as he lays there, spread out on the desk for the second time that day. But before he’d been laid out like a dare and right now, he feels more like a present. Like a sacrament.  

For a moment, Chan just looks down at Felix. His face is as naked as Felix has ever seen it.

“You’re so fucking pretty, Lixie. You’re the prettiest thing I’ve ever seen. You always have been.”

If Felix had any doubts that Chan loves him the way he wanted, they’re burned away in the heat of his gaze.

“I love you.” Chan says.

“I love you too.” Felix tells him.

The smile that lights up his face makes Felix’s heart tighten painfully, giddily.

“Now take your clothes off and let me see you,” Felix says. “Take this off.” He tugs at Chan’s jacket. “Take everything off.”

Chan laughs, “You’re bossy, hmm?”

Some of the lower ranking members complain sometimes that Chan indulges Felix. That he lets him get away with anything he wants. Felix has never really listened to them because Chan wasn’t giving him what he wanted most. But now…

“I just know what I want. Which is you, naked. Come on, I want to feel you.”

Chan doesn’t need any more encouragement, because he’s stripping now, with maybe more speed than finesse, and then he’s standing there, in front of Felix, and Felix is dying, finally, finally looking his fill and knowing Chan sees it.

Running not only eyes but hands down Chan’s body, over rock hard muscle and abs, down his hips, to his cock, jutting proudly, and his mouth is watering.

He wants to bite and kiss every single inch of this man, leave his mark where everyone can see.

“Lix,” Chan says, and his voice is strangled and husky, like Felix has never heard it before.

“Hyung.” Felix says, and he sees Chan’s cock jolt at it. A spasm of lust explodes in his belly. “Fuck me. Please, fuck me.”

And then Chan is climbing over him, his naked body warm and hard, and Felix spreads his legs, greedily, eagerly. Chan pushes his knees up, notching his cock at Felix’s still slick entrance.

###

Chan is pressed against him, a single thrust away from breaching the ring of muscle.

"Wait," Felix says.

Chan’s muscles are shaking with the effort of holding himself up, every instinct screaming at him to thrust home into Felix’s tight hole, so he takes the tiniest step back, and waits.

He raises a hand to brush Felix’s hair out of his face. Felix’s eyes are huge and black with arousal still, but there’s something fragile to the set of his mouth that sends a smothering wave of tenderness through Chan.  “What is it, baby? What do you need?”

"I just…I need you to know, I've never done this part before."

Chan blinks. For a moment, he wonders if he’s so gone with lust that he misheard him.

"What do you mean?"

Now it’s Felix’s turn to blink at Chan, looking slightly caught off guard, like he didn’t expect Chan to need clarification.

They’re still so close Chan feels him take a deep breath.

"I've never let anyone fuck me."

Which had been the only conclusion Chan had come to, really, but…he thinks of all

the guys he's seen Felix with. Of Changbin, telling him how practiced Felix had seemed. Of the guy from earlier, of Felix’s hips working, nudging his fingers deeper. Of Felix just now, begging Chan to fuck him.

His thoughts must show on his face — only with Felix — because Felix’s already flushed cheeks turn a deeper shade of rose.

“I've done everything but that. I was saving myself for you, okay?" Felix says. His knees are still pressed to his chest and puts his arms around them, burying his face in his arms.

Gently, Chan unfolds him, lifting his small hands away from his face, until Felix looks up at him.

The feeling blooming in Chan’s chest as he looks down at Felix is something like awe.

"Really?"

"You seriously think I'd let anyone but you fuck me?  Felix is pouting now, sounding irritated.

Chan has always found Felix’s pout sexy as hell but now for the first time ever he doesn’t feel guilty about it.

He tucks the feeling away, just for the moment, in favor of the other things he’s feeling, awe and gratitude and still a little disbelief that he’s gotten so lucky, that this man who he treasures above anything in their world has kept himself for Chan.

“I mean….” Chan says slowly. “I honestly didn’t think I could - should - ever have this.”

“Well you can.” Felix tells him. “I want you to have this — have me. You’re the only person I want.”

“Good.” Chan says, and then, because it’s all he can think of to say right now, “Thank you.”

Felix is blushing again. “Shut up.” He says. “Don’t thank me, just fuck me.”

“So keen,” Chan says, he runs a hand through Felix’s damp hair, down to caress his cheek. Felix raises his face to Chan’s touch, his eyes slipping closed, his lashes making shadows on his flushed cheeks.

Chan wants to lock him away, inside his heart, inside his compound, keep him safe, make him his.

Chan trails his fingers down Felix’s throat, lingering on the spots where he’s left bruises blooming on the pale skin there.

Felix shudders beneath his fingers, and for a moment Chan feels absolutely feral.

“Don’t make me wait anymore.” Felix begins. Chan kisses the words out of his mouth.

He drags a hand slow down Felix’s body, over every ridge of his stomach, until he reaches Felix’s erection. He wraps his hands around it, thumbing over the head to catch the beads of precum gathered there to ease the glide, and fists Felix’s cock slowly, in time with the kiss.

Felix is panting into his mouth, his hands locked in Chan’s hair hard enough to hurt. He wrenches his mouth away. “Fuck me, hyung. I don’t want to come until you’re inside.”

Chan nods.

“I’ll go slow.” Chan tells him. “Be gentle for you.”

But Felix shakes his head.

"I don’t want gentle. That’s not why I told you. I just — I wanted you to know, before, so you know that you're the first person who's ever been inside me. I want to know you're thinking about that while you fuck me."

###

Felix sees it hit Chan, the way his hands flex, the way his eyes go black with it. He takes a shaky breath.

“The first and only, yeah?”

“First and only.” Felix promises.

Despite Felix’s protests, Chan does go slow, covering his own cock with lube, before Felix grabs the lube from him and does it himself, greedy to be the one touching Chan, taking his time, learning every ridge and vein of Chan’s cock, stroking up the underside and thumbing over the large head.

When he’s able to drags eyes away, he looks up to see that Chan is watching it, his face tight with pleasure, his teeth digging into his plush lower lip, looking thunderstruck and tender and dazed with pleasure all at the same time.

“Your little hands.” He says. “Your hands around my cock. Fuck, Lixie.”

Felix smirks at him. “You look so big, yeah?”

And Chan likes that, his cock jerks in Felix’s hands.

“Just wait until you see me stretched around you.” Felix says.

Chan curses sharply and closes his eyes, evidentially struggling not to come then and there.

“You’re a menace, you know that?” Chan says, after he opens his eyes again.

“Yeah but I’m your menace.” Felix says.

“Only mine.” Chan says.

This time,  when Chan lifts Felix’s legs onto his shoulders, and notches himself at Felix’s hole, Felix doesn’t stop him.

Even with all the lube, it takes work for Chan to open him up, to slide past the ring of muscle.

“Fuck, Lixie.” Chan says. “You’re so fucking tight.” His voice is a rasp, sweet and worshipful. “I would have known, baby. I would have known I was your first.”

“My first and only.” Felix reminds him

Even though he’s ready, even though he’s never been more ready for anything, the stretch and burn make Felix suck in his breath.

“Breathe baby, breath.” Chan says, leaning in and kissing him so softly that for a moment Felix feels like crying.

Not because of pain, because he’s so fucking happy.

He loses himself in the kiss, as Chan thrusts in a little deeper, opening Felix up inch by slow inch. “You’re doing so good, baby.”

“Fuck,” Felix gasps. “You feel so big, hyung…”

“You’re taking me so well.”Chan tells him, as he pulls out a little only to slide in smoother. Felix loses his breath at the sensation. “Like you were made for me.”

“I was.” Felix says. Because he was.

And it gets easier, until finally Chan bottoms out inside him.

“You look so pretty stretched around me like this.” Chan says. Felix can hear the strain in his voice now. “How do you feel, Lixie?” Chan asks. And he sounds so gentle, gentler than he’s ever heard.

“So full.” Felix says, searching for a way he can describe it, when he’s never felt like this before. “You’re filling me up so good, hyung.”

Felix wraps his legs tight around Chan, holding him there, just wanting to feel it. To feel the way they’re connected.

For a long moment, they just stare at each other, Chan’s handsome face so full of naked tenderness that Felix feels like his heart might break with how happy he is right now.

Like every moment, all the smoke and ashes and pain in his past, all the blood, sweat and tears he’s shed was for this, to make him strong enough to hold all of this man’s love.

“I love you,” He says, because he can’t say anything else.

“I love you too,” Chan says, “Fuck, I love you Lixie.”  He leans in and kisses Felix against his mouth, down his jaw. “You don’t know how long I dreamed of this.  I never thought you would want this. I never thought you could be mine like this.”

“I’ve always been yours.” Felix tells him. “Yours like this. Like everything.”

***

“Are you ready baby?I’m going to make you feel so fucking good. So fucking good you’ll forget that any other man ever made you come.”

Felix nods. “There are no other men but you.” He tells Chan. “I’m all yours.”

“All mine,” Chan echoes.

And then he begins to move, slowly at first, watching Felix’s face, testing the angle to find the one that makes him moan and shudder and grip Chan tighter.

“I was going crazy thinking about you like this, thinking about all those men, imagining they’d been inside you like this.”

He punctuates each sentence with a thrust, hitting Felix’s sweet spot straight on, driving home again and again. Proving to Felix, to himself, that Felix is his now.

“Thinking of you with Changbin. My best friend, my right hand man and I wanted to kill him.”

Felix is hot against him, hot and writhing and so so fucking tight. His. All his.

“What about me, hyung?” Felix gasps, his voice soaring high and tight as Chan fucks him. “Knowing, knowing you fucked Jeongin. Knowing you made him come, Knowing you gave your cock to another man.”

“Never again.” Chan promises. “Only you, baby.”

“Did you come inside him? Did you fuck him like this?”

Chan shakes his head. “I didn’t. I couldn’t. He wasn’t you. There’s no one but you for me.”

“Show me then.”

“You told me you don’t want gentle, so I’m gonna make sure you feel this tomorrow.”

“Yes,” Felix gasps. “Fuck me, fuck me.”

So he does, giving free reign to the years of everything he's held back, fucking Felix hard and fast, until Felix is moaning now with every thrust nails.

“Oh hyung, more, more."  Felix's nails are digging into Chan's back, legs wrapped around him like a vise, pulling Chan deeper. "Please give me everything. I want all of you.”

“I’m yours, Lixie. I’ve always been yours. I’m going to ruin you for any other man but me.” Chan tells him. “You know that right?”

Felix surges forward and kisses him, filthy and sweet, his hips rising to meet Chan’s thrusts.

“I never wanted any man but you.”

Chan makes good on his promise, giving Felix everything he’s got, waiting until Felix is coming around his cock, so he can drink in every beautiful second of his orgasm, knowing that he’s the first and only man who will ever make Felix come this way, as Felix thrashes and moans, babbles his love, spilling all over Chan, hot and thick.

“Let go, hyung.” Felix gasps, even as he’s still shaking and trembling. “I wanna feel you. Fill me up, give me every drop.”

Chan does as he asks, because he may own half this city, but Felix owns his soul. Felix clenches and pulses around his cock, milking every drop of his orgasm.

When he’s finally got his breath back, he pulls out slow, greedily drinking in the sight of his cum leaking out.

“Hyung,” Felix says, with feeling, and his voice is wrecked too, and it’s the sexiest thing Chan has ever heard.

He slides to his knees, pushing Felix’s legs apart, and then he licks every drop of cum he can catch from Felix’s pink, trembling hole, until Felix’s hands tangle in his hair, pulling so hard it hurts, until Felix’s legs are shaking and he’s coming again, as Chan licks inside him, licking the taste of himself out of Felix’s hole.

And then he licks his way up Felix’s body, licking him clean while Felix’s trembles beneath him, whispering, “Hyung, hyung, hyung.”

Like he’s forgotten every word but Chan’s name.

“Kiss me,” Felix gasps, pulling him up the rest of the way and catching his mouth in a kiss. “All of you in all of me,” He whispers into Chan’s mouth. “You’re mine, hyung. Every bit of you.”

“It’s all for you, Lixie.” Chan tells him.

It’s messy, filthy and so so perfect, and Chan feels almost out of his mind with how much he loves this man, how much he wants him.

He’s so hard again he’s aching with it, with the need to shove back inside Felix, to claim him again and again and again. It almost makes him laugh, how much he wants this, because he never wants to do anything else. Maybe he can leave the gang work to Han and Changbin and just do this forever, stay buried inside Felix’s tight, smooth heat forever.

“Fuck me again,” Felix says, reaching his hand down to wrap around Chan’s cock.

“Wait, baby.” Chan says, pulling Felix’s hand away. Felix actually gnashes his teeth, and Chan does laugh.

###

Chan lifts him up, cradling him, like a bride, and it makes Felix’s heart race. He wants to ask Chan to take him down to the dungeon, tie him there and keep him there, to love and fuck and keep for his very own, so they could shut out the whole world.

“Where are we going?” He asks, half hopeful.

"We’re going to take a shower and I’m going to wash you clean so I can make a mess of you again and then we're going to spend the rest of the day in bed. And if anyone tries to bother us, I'll shoot them. Maybe have Minho take them down to the dungeon and do his worst."

Felix giggles, resting his head on Chan's broad shoulder.

"You know," Chan says, "I’ve never fucked anyone in my bed. You’ll be the first and only."

It settles something warm and greedy inside Felix's chest. He wants to purr with it.

“It's a good thing you didn't bring Jeongin back here. I would have burned this place down too.” Felix tells him, feeling Chan’s body shake as he laughs. “I would have.”

“I don't doubt it.” Chan says. “You’ll be the only one in my bed, at my side, and in my heart. No more arson."

"No more burning down things that belong to us, at least." Felix agrees.

***

Chan's bed hasn't changed much since those nights years ago, when Felix had slept besides him. He would have given this to him in those dark days after Bang Hyungnim's funeral, let Chan bury all the fear and grief and the crushing weight of his new responsibilities inside of his body. Would have been Chan's comfort in any way he needed. Would have done it any time after, TK bad thing. Would it have helped

But he knows now that that would have ended them before they'd had a chance to begin, building the rope of guilt twined around Chan's neck into something so strong that nothing could sever it.

This way, Chan's guilt had been something he could set down, a flammable thing burnt to ashes by the combined heat of their love for each other.

Chan takes him on his stomach this time, his face turned into the sheets that smell like Chan.

As Chan slides inside again as easy as a breath, like Felix is made for him -- because Felix is made for him -- he's glad for everything that's brought them to where they are now.

Chan teases him this time, having learned all too quickly exactly what drives him wild, and Felix makes up his mind to return the favor, now that he can finally use everything Hyunjin taught him on Chan.

"So now that I'm at your side, and in your bed, you'll let me sit in on negotiations, right?" He asks, on a particularly short thrust.

Chan chuckles, rubbing mercilessly against his prostate, distracting Felix so that he almost forgets his question. "You don't give up, do you?"

"No," Felix agrees, screwing himself back onto Chan's cock, savoring his moan. "That's why we're here now. So let me?"

He rocks his hips, tormenting Chan, until Chan's hands lock tight on his hips to hold him still.

"If you think you're any less precious to me now." He says, his voice tight with heat.

"I'll sit on your cock." Felix says. "Keep you warm through those long, boring meetings."

He feels Chan's hips stutter at his words, and he smiles against the sheets.

"You think that'll convince them to do what I want?" Chan asks, low in Felix's ear. "That the most beautiful man in the world is mine?" His voice is calm, the cool leader, through and through, even balls deep inside, and it makes pleasure twist low in Felix's belly. "Is this how you think you're going to win all our arguments now?"

He pulls out, slow, slow, slow, just to slide back inside so true that Felix's eyes practically roll back in his head.

"Yes," He says, although he's not sure what he's saying yes to anymore.

"That's playing with fire, Lixie." Chan tells him, but Felix feels the curve of his smile against his neck.

"You know I like playing with fire." Felix tells him.