Chapter Text
It was never supposed to go like this, Bernard thinks miserably, staring at his own reflection in the bathroom mirror.
The thought is not at all new. Despite Bernard’s best efforts to suppress it, it still tends to pop into his head pretty much every day. And it never gets any less painful.
Even now, it makes hot, embarrassing tears spring to Bernard’s eyes. Because he and Tim were supposed to be about good things. Things like fun and happiness and - and self-exploration or whatever. He could never, ever have foreseen their relationship becoming some sort of indefinite sentence with no parole - and yet, here he is, psyching himself up for yet another day of pretending to be blissfully happy with his boyfriend.
Anything to keep Tim happy. Because if he is not…
Bernard suppresses a shudder and leans down towards the sink to splash his face with cold water. He really does not have time to fall apart right now. It is already past noon, so he should really get a move on. Tim is going to be here soon, and Bernard really needs to pull his shit together by the time his boyfriend arrives. He does not have time for a shower, having overslept after being kept up by nightmares half the night, but he should still make himself presentable. Wash up, find some nice, clean clothes and, most importantly, put on his happy face.
Like an actor going onstage. That’s his job now.
To be fair, he had not really thought things through all that well before he asked Tim out, Bernard muses as he moves mechanically to his dresser to find some suitable clothes. It all just seemed so right back when he did it, giddy from seeing Tim again after getting kidnapped and then rescued by his hero… without even knowing at the time that the hero and Tim were one and the same. And it all seemed to happen so fast, so when the whirlwind of emotions had settled down, Bernard was left feeling free and daring, not a trace of doubt in his mind that he was making the right choice.
What an idiot he was.
But then… how could he have known what he was heading into, Bernard wonders with a spark of something like anger. Because, seriously: had someone told him to stop and think about it all for a second, he would have said that the biggest problems he might have to face while dating Tim Drake - Tim Wayne - would be, like, not getting caught doing anything embarrassing by the paparazzi or maybe getting pranked by Tim’s brothers or something.
Bernard would have considered his situation a lot more carefully, had he known that ending this relationship could cost him his life.
***
They have been together for almost five months, and Bernard is… doing ok, he thinks. He hopes.
Some days are harder than others, sure, but, for the most part, he more or less manages to hold on to the thought that he should really just… stop whining. Grin and bear it. Because, ok, being with Tim is no longer what he wants, but having to stay with him until Tim no longer wants him - whenever that finally happens - would not be the end of the world, either. So what if the spark is no longer there? It’s not that big a deal. Things are good.
Tim is good. He doesn’t abuse Bernard, and he’s never mean or dismissive. He’s very attentive and caring, actually - a bit too attentive, if Bernard were honest… which he cannot be, so he chooses to ignore the twinges of discomfort when Tim bombards him with too many questions about his day or drapes himself over Bernard’s back on the nights when Bernard would rather be left alone. Tim is just very much in love with him, that’s all. And, seriously, how stupid would it be for Bernard to complain about his boyfriend always being eager to spend time with him?
“I won’t take no for an answer,” he once told Bernard, his smile easy, but eyes determined, when Bernard tried to get out of some plans for the weekend - just to get a breather, because having to pretend all the time is actually extremely taxing. “It was super hard to free this weekend, but I really wanted to take you to this new show you mentioned you wanted to see… Just got the tickets last night, best seats in the house! C’mon, can’t you adjust your schedule a bit?”
And he looked so disappointed by the lack of an enthusiastic yes from Bernard that there was really nothing else Bernard could do except fake a wide smile and thank him. At least he had the opportunity to hide his reaction, closing his eyes against the sting of helpless tears when Tim leaned in for a kiss.
Ridiculous.
Bernard should really just… shut his trap and revel in having a boyfriend who cares enough to remember all of his throwaway wishes and does his best to make time for Bernard even when he has other, more important things to do, like saving lives.
Because that’s another cool thing about Tim… probably the coolest thing, actually: he’s a hero. Like, a real one. How many people can boast having a partner like that?
And, finally… Bernard is the one who suggested they go out, so it’s not like he was ever pressured into this relationship in any way or anything.
He’s lucky, Bernard tells himself firmly every night. Very lucky. And he would do well to remember that.