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There is darkness in Ben, for as long as he can remember. He doesn’t tell anyone. He doesn’t look too deep inside. Even still, doubt gnaws away at him, growing like a rot in his heart. Why him and not someone else? What does the darkness see in him? Is he.. bad?
It’s easy for Ben to pretend nothing’s wrong during the day; surround himself with so much Light that he can forget his own shadow. His whole family is Light.
(he is not, but they don’t need to know)
“There is so much good in you, Ben,” Luke once said. Ben’s heart had swelled with hope. It was Luke, after all. Luke, who saw the Light in Darth Vader when no one else could. Who pulled Anakin from the decaying body of a monster, and set him free. Ben believed at that moment that Luke was right. That he can be - that he is good.
That was during the day.
At night, when the voices in Ben’s head grow impossible to ignore and the rot crumbles his heart, the Dark always comes back, swallows him whole, and Ben drowns.
Too much of Vader in him, some people whisper. The blood of a killer will always be a killer, they say. Dangerous, volatile, evil.
A voice hisses in Ben’s head, whispering about murder, and betrayal, and trust no one, and he fights against it, for years. But more and more, Ben finds himself giving up. Giving in. Agreeing. A part of himself is afraid, but that part is also growing dimmer.
His mom might know, or suspect. When Ben wakes up in the night, crying, covered in sweat, his mom is always there with soft words, gentle touches, lullabies. But other times, Ben catches her watching him when she thinks he isn’t looking. Waiting, guarding, with cold hard eyes. It chills Ben to the bone. He shivers at the thought of what she sees within him. If she is looking at him at all.
Sometimes Ben wishes he can just burn up and be free of everything, forever. Burn up the darkness inside him, and if that turns him to ash, at least he’ll die pure. But the blade of a saber is hot, and Ben is afraid. A coward. Even in this, he cannot succeed.
So it shall be, then. The Dark will live on. Ben Solo will live on.