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English
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Part 12 of Original Works
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Published:
2024-09-17
Updated:
2025-11-03
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22,732
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213/?
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Poetry

Summary:

Poems from (mainly) my youth. Each poem has its original published date in its notes.

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter 1: Golden Dust

Chapter Text

Underneath the weeping pines
Lilacs and lilies of brilliant shades
Blossom like the sweetest wines
Poured gently by the fairest maids

They see the lightning pierce the sky
And feel the rain upon their leaves
Sense the time go passing by
From glorious days to dazzling eves

The rain brings needles to the ground
Falling lightly like icy sunbeams
They scatter peacefully all around
Creating a floor that shines with dreams

The rainstorm slowly comes to an end
The ground the color of darkened rust
And the mist that lingers around the bend
Softly billows in golden dust.

Chapter 2: Happiness in Hell

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

Torture, blood and torment
Every day the same
Always ends in agony,
Icy red-hot pain

And yet I slide right through it
So I can’t even yell
Through all the pain and torture
I’ve found happiness in hell

Life and death don’t matter
Olive leaf or dove
For pain in hell is just too easy
If you’ve found true love

Corpses scattered here and there
Of all who used to dwell
For those who have not found true love
Won’t find happiness in hell.

Chapter 3: Forever Waiting

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

Waiting, waiting, forever waiting.
Forever she waits, I wait.
Waiting, waiting,
For him to return
To her heart
To my heart
Waiting, waiting,
Knowing that he won’t
But she still waits
I still wait
Waiting, waiting,
She turns to stone
I turn to stone
Waiting.

Chapter 4: Dream On

Notes:

2/4/08

One of my first ever poems.

Chapter Text

Dark hair
Blue eyes
Rainy days
Cloudy skies

Wet clothes
Dry tears
Hold me close
So many fears

Rainbow’s light
Clouds float away
Thus the start
Of a brand new day

Chapter 5: Drugs

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

Grades slipping
Eyes dripping

Echoes pound
Feet slip the ground

Head dizzy
Hair frizzy

Voices slurring
And ensuring

Ice cold
Fire bold

Drugs in my head
Hidden under my bed

Need more
Death, sure.

Here I go again

Chapter 6: Escaping Hell

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

Bloody hell
Rings a bell

Been there once
Been there twice

Turn around
There it is again

Might be death
But who really cares?

Take me away
Away to hell

Here we go again

Chapter 7: Depression

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

Every time I see you
I can’t help but stare
Crystal smooth white raindrops
Run through my silky hair
Sitting there all by myself
Wishing you were here
Blocking out the universe,
Emotions pain and fear
Darkness will envelop me
The creature of the night,
Blackened, charred and helpless,
With no hope in sight
Knowing I can never have
The warmness of your heart
Emanating thoughts of death
Is tearing us apart
The one thing that can save me
And bring me high above
All of this depression
Is just one thing: your love.

Chapter 8: Bitter Relief

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

After I lose you
The tears that I cry
Are bitter relief
That flow from my eyes
All of the love
That I gave to you
Now seems so worthless
There was nothing to do
I helped you along
The road with no ends
Now that I’ve lost you
To one of my friends
I know it’s my fault
For all of my pain
But now you are happy
Standing in the rain
I see you; I wonder
I can’t imagine why
Why I let go of you
I look to the sky
But the only thing
That answers my plea
Is the rain falling down
On you, on her, on me.

Chapter 9: Battle of Fire

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

No more hiding secrets in forbidden books
Gone with the questions and suspicious looks

Secret codes and hidden ways
The fire goes but the hatred stays

Blood white moon across the night
Down to our last, we won the fight

But the battle’s not over; we just won the war
And throughout the dark night our people’s hearts are sore

Because the fire, it burned us, the scars will remain
And until the next battle, the fire will reign

Chapter 10: Let Go

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

Maybe he doesn't realize how much she loves him
Nobody notices a girl in the rain
Maybe he just doesn't believe her
And maybe she's imagining her pain
But standing there, soaked from the rain up above
She stares and watches him go
She knows that no one can fake true love
And she knows that she loves him so

The tears in her eyes
That fall from the skies
Tell her she'll never let go
And she knows she can never let go

Chapter 11: Hells Bells

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

The blood-stained black bell rings,
And down in hell, all is well as I sing the song I sing.

For I and another, we love.
The sound of the bell (that doth lie in hell) awakens the newborn dove.

The bell rings again, as fire it be,
As the fire from hell blackens the bell, I laugh in spite of me.

And so they watch for the little light;
An escape to dwell for those that in hell; those who have done no right.

But it’s not, and they cry and bleed,
Knowing as well as I laugh here in hell that I love my love as the bell loves the dove, and I know that my lover loves me.

Chapter 12: Interlochen Dreams

Notes:

2/4/08

Chapter Text

I think about you everyday
And I can't help but laugh
You came along to help me up
When my heart was torn in half
Face to face we've never seen
How together we could love
If we could have changed one thing
What would it be of?
Of starry nights when the moon shines bright
By the lake and all the trees
Of a bright warm sunny day
In the night wind and the breeze
In one of those moments few
In the arms of my dream come true
When I would say that I love you
I know that you would love me too

Chapter 13: Winter

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

Little white snowflakes come fluttering down
Swirling and twirling until they reach ground

Fluffy white blanket along the black night
All over town it is dark, there’s no light

Beautiful beauties are light to the touch
Though each one’s different, I don’t notice much

I dance in the flurry and I tire and sit
Covered by a snowy cold white blanket

I sit there in silence until out of the trees
Comes a little brown fawn, as cute as you please

It plays for a while, not noticing that I’m here
Until its mother comes out and summons back the small deer

After they’re gone, I sit a little more
Until my fingers start numbing, then I walk through the door

I sit by my window watching the snow hurry down
Swirling and twirling until they reach ground

Chapter 14: Wandering Mind

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

Sitting here on the ocean floor
Walking through a forest door
Sliding down a river bend
Gazing the stars who have no end

Standing in the pouring rain
Thinking to myself in vain
Wishing you were here with me
Makes me smile happily

Looking at the grassy plains
Watching the sunset wax and wane
Breathing in the midnight air
Wondering how or why or where

Waiting for that moment true
When I can say that I love you

Chapter 15: Time

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

Going by way too fast
No time to reflect the past
Years and months and days gone by
I fear the time but look to the sky
The clouds are rushing past in waves
Can’t forget those good old days
Days we lived without a care
Having fun with no despair
Pictures; moments frozen in time
Soon I will look back at mine
Standing here nowhere to go
Time, too fast, does seem to flow
Into the arms of weeping men
Time comes to a slow again
Dizzy, I try to wonder why
The only stillness is the sky
Why do moments slip away?
Time itself will have its way
Into the darkness flies
Memories of forgotten lies
Sitting here, I contemplate
Fearing love, emotion, hate
As I sit I watch time fly
In endless ribbons into the sky

Chapter 16: Sea Lion

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

Fur as silky as the night sky above
Flippers as shiny as a rainbow at night
Whiskers as thin as a new born unicorn’s mane
Eyes as sharp as a sting ray’s tail
Ears as flat as the calm sea
And nobody knows it, but me.

Chapter 17: Silently in the Corner

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

Silently in the corner
That’s where my love shall remain
Silently in the dark
Where shows no snow nor rain

No bubbles, no sunshine
Nobody to meet
No feelings, no hopes
No head, arms, legs, or feet

Empty in the corner
That’s where my love was found
Silently in the corner
Nobody makes a sound

Silently in the corner
That’s where my love will be
Silently in the corner
That’s not my love, that’s me

Chapter 18: The Plane of the Dead

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

The sun’s flat rays lie spread on the land
The white hot fire burns on the sand

The only people who’ve walked there are people who died
Not a quick death but people who cried

I look at the miles of ashen plane
And think of those that died in vain

I wonder if I will die a slow death
Minute by minute catching every last breath

I ponder the thought about death by pain
And wonder if I would have gone insane

No one is here and I think I’m all alone
I’ve seen enough so I start to head home

I turn around and see a bloody knife
Minute by minute the man drains my life

My blood is pouring out onto the sand
And the last thing I touch is the dry desert land

I get to my feet but my body’s on the ground
I must be a ghost so I turn and look around

The man is gone and my body’s blood shines red
So now I go wander the Plane of the Dead

Chapter 19: Personality Glitch

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

No one listens
No one cares
No one talks
No one dares

All the fright
Through the night
Someone might

Cloudy mists
My mind drifts
As sand sifts
And bodies shift

Dare to listen
Dare to care
Dare to talk
But through the night
No one dares

Chapter 20: Natural Peace

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

The wolf’s sad song
Echoes throughout the dark blue night,
And her fur stands up straight as quills.
The majestic whale seeps her silent tones
Through the black hole
That is called the ocean.

And through the trees
I am alone,
And no one sees
How I can relate
To the whale and the wolf.
I can be one,
One with nature,
And I am at peace again.

Chapter 21: Little Fairy

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

O fairy, little fairy, why do you weep?
Is it because you have nightmares and thus cannot sleep?

Did you see many fires that you couldn’t put out?
Or maybe the snowflakes have put you in doubt?

Perhaps your small unicorn has run far away?
And you haven’t yet noticed until yesterday?

Has your ship set sail and left you behind?
And you’re stuck in your village with no peace of mind?

Did your bubbles of rainbows float into the sky?
O fairy, little fairy, O why do you cry?

Has your castle been burned and scorched to the ground?
Or perhaps you have lost your ability to hear sound?

Did the small baby firefly die on a leaf?
What is the reason for your miserable grief?

Did the bird’s feathers turn grey instead of bright blue?
Or maybe your flowers have lost their colorful hue?

O fairy, little fairy, what secrets do you keep?
O fairy, little fairy, why do you weep?

Chapter 22: Love Crisis

Notes:

2/5/08

Chapter Text

Cut your lips
With my kiss

Scar your face
With my stare

When I speak
You look sick

Poison your heart
With my love

I guess we just aren’t meant to be
Oh well, too bad for me

Chapter 23: This Valentine's Day

Notes:

2/14/08

Chapter Text

Instead of going out to dinner for two,
Instead of dressing up in pink,
I think I'll stay home feeling rather blue,
And write dark poems in rather dark ink.

Chapter 24: Shattered

Notes:

3/7/08

Chapter Text

I miss you...
My soul aches
My heart breaks
From being away for so long
Sighing, crying...
Wasn't it just yesterday
You were here??
Wishing
On shooting stars
Won't do anything
Because
Shooting stars are just
Falling Angels
I feel lost
Without you
Now I know
What a heavy heart is
You're voice...
I need to hear it
Happiness is in your arms
Remember the rain? 
I wanna hold your hand
Darling

Love
I love
Only you

Chapter 25: So Much For "I Love You"

Notes:

3/25/08

Chapter Text

I promised you I would never do anything to hurt myself.
And I won't.
I promised you I would love you forever.
And I will.
I promised you things would be alright.
And I tried.
I promised you I'd never let you go.
And I haven't.
I promised you that I believed in us.
And I did.
I promised you I'd never cheat on you.
And I didn't.

You promised me I'd never lose you.
And I did.

Chapter 26: I Guess, I'm Moving On

Notes:

3/27/08

Chapter Text

I guess he really didn't love me
He just said so to be nice
I guess he didn't care at all
He left me on thin ice

I guess he didn't mean it
I guess it wasn't real
I guess he put up a facade
To shelter how he feels

But if he might have told me
Before hand, all of this
I wouldn't try to cause him
His pain with every kiss

For I was unaware
Of the pain that I had caused
Because he never told me
Never told me he was lost

I might have stopped to help him
If he had let me know
Instead, he gave up just like that
Decided to let me go

But now I'm moving on
Like he told me to
I'm doing rather well so far
It's what I have to do

He said I should be happy
He said I shouldn't pay
But I am fine, I'm not the one
Who's smoking their life away.

Chapter 27: What Happened

Notes:

4/1/08

Chapter Text

What happened during those five days
I guess I'll never know
I know you smoked, I know you cried
You tried to let me go

I know that you were cynical
I know you were depressed
That's my knowlegde of that week
I do not know the rest

I know you will not tell me
I still want to find out
Whether you will tell or not
I'll get rid of all my doubt

I can only take a guess
I can only see
In my mind, what happened
When you let go of me

How far did you really go
In that painful week?
Did you take up drinking coffee
And start a smoking streak?

Did you talk to other girls
Much prettier than I?
Or did you just stay in your room
To play solitare, sleep and cry?

You had a lot of time to think
A lot of time to talk
To friends who were there for you
Who would take you on a walk

Did you think too much again
About death, disease and loss?
Did you try to forget me
No matter what the cost?

Well, regardless of what happened
When you crossed the line
Let me tell you how it went
On my side, in that time

I never had my heart so torn
With all that I went through
From five to nine to thirteen,
The thirteenth being you

There was a feeling in my heart
That I could not describe
It felt cold and very lonely
Almost dead but still alive

I remember when I went to class
Alone with no one to talk
I kept trudging up the hill
Struggling just to walk

When I asked my friends' advice
On what to say or do
They told me just to suck it up
Move on, and I'd get through

I remember thinking once
Of one thing, to no ends
How come he broke up with me
But still has all the friends?

But I tried my hardest still
To let you go, and yet
The hole in my heart wouldn't leave
I was filled up with regret

But five days was too long for you
And you'd be back again
I said that you had lost my trust
When you put us to an end

Now you are trying hard
To make up for what you've done
You said that you will never leave
From me you'll never run

But still I do not put my trust
In your hands, I fear
You're still not being truthful
I sense that it is clear

It's not the smoking or the girls
That I'm worried about
I know you'll never do that again
Of that I have no doubt

I know you know you love me
You'll never let me go
But there is still one thing
That I want to know

I know you've lied to me before
About this single thing
I know it's small, I know it's dumb
But attention I must bring

I can't trust you with the truth
After what you did to me
But it's slowly inching its way along
That's how it's going to be

You know that I despise it
But still you won't let go
I know you still drink coffee
But will not tell me so

Chapter 28: You Never Loved Me

Notes:

4/8/08

Chapter Text

You never really loved me
Now I know that's clear
Now you feel amazing
With her, so sweet, so dear

I bet she's really gorgeous
Kind and caring, sweet
I bet you're really happy now
She swept you off your feet

It's nice to know you lied to me
I realize you never cared
You couldn't tell me there was her
I bet you wouldn't have dared

If you didn't love me
If all you saw was her
Why did you say those things
That made me feel so sure

So sure that you had meant it
When you whispered in my ears
When you whispered that you loved me
It would all end up in tears

I thought you said it wouldn't work
For us in the long run
But now I see, now it's clear
You only used me to have fun

I must admit I am impressed
By the facade that you implied
How I thought you meant you loved me
And cared for me when you cried

You told me you don't take love lightly
And now I see that's true
You never really loved me
You lie. It's all you do

Well now I guess you're happy
You're finally with her
I see now that you used me
It's all I was good for

You moved on pretty fast
I guess that's good for you
But I hope you fall in love
With her, I really hope you do

I hope she brings you happiness
And rids you of your fears
I hope it crashes in the end
And you end up in tears

Chapter 29: Gorgeous 4

Notes:

4/26/08

Chapter Text

I wonder if he notices
Or if he even cares
Am I just a shadow on the wall,
An angel of nightmares?
When he looks into my eyes
When he reads my soul
I feel a strangeness in my heart
My fingertips get cold
I never noticed until now
The blueness of his eyes
His soft gold hair, the way he speaks
And sings me lullabies
Maybe we were meant to be
And maybe we are not
But either way, he's perfect
And now he's all I got

Chapter 30: Dedication

Notes:

5/11/08

Chapter Text

They're such a perfect couple
But who am I to say?
When my other half
Is a million miles away?

They look so happy, so complete
Awkward as they may be
At least they have each other
I can't say that for me

This starts for me time and again
I only watch and sigh
Wishing I could be that girl
With diamonds in her eyes

What is this feeling in my heart
It's soft and gentle, yet...
It fills my lungs with thick black smoke
With jealousy and regret

Destined just to dream this life
Is how I well may be
Is my future going nowhere?
Is that my destiny?

I just want to be happy
Is that too much to ask?
Finding someone to share my life with
Seems such an enormous task

Love can't come so easy
I've learned this lesson well
Past mistakes and heartbreaks
Hope and wedding bells

I'm sick of being single
But still I haven't found
The one who will sweep me off my feet
And never let me down

I thought I met him one time
He was perfect in every way
But then he up and left me
To come back another day

I wish love was like fairytales
Where all my dreams come true
Where I won't have to wonder
If he really means "I love you"

Love is just so complicated
Maybe it's just me
Every time I meet someone
It's never meant to be

When will my man come along
And get down on his knee?
I guess that's just too much to ask
It's just a fantasy

All I can do now is hope
And wait for him to come
I'll sit here with the fireflies
And watch the setting sun.

Chapter 31: Being In Love

Notes:

9/8/08

Chapter Text

It's the times like these
When your fingertips ache
That no one else sees
Your heart never breaks

This feeling inside
That you'll never forget
I won't ever hide
And never regret

To dry all my tears
Whenever you're gone
Remember the years
And sing a love song

I remember the times
I spent in your eyes
In the sunrise

That's what it is
To be in love

Chapter 32: Autumn Air

Notes:

9/8/08

Chapter Text

I never thought that I could take
One more lovely day
After all, my heart would break
In every single way

I used to love, I used to think
That he would be the one
But we ended on the brink
And then it would be done

But this one's different, in a way
He loves me just for me
I'm just so happy every day
Because he sets me free

From every love I ever had
Nobody could compare
To he who never makes me sad
And speaks in Autumn Air

Chapter 33: Left

Notes:

9/27/08

Chapter Text

After my love left me
All I did was cry
I cried my heart out for a day
Until my eyes were dry

Then I held my head up
And started to move on
There was nothing I could do
He had left and gone

My best friend is with him now
Her hand fits right in his
Still, my heart breaks every time
When I see them kiss

Smiling on the outside
But crying in my heart
I never thought the day would come
When we would break apart

But now she's happy in his arms
I wish that it was me
Still, they are a perfect pair
Just simply meant to be

Chapter 34: A Poem

Notes:

9/27/08

Chapter Text

I'm smiling on the outside
Saying everything is well
Alas, my friends, it's a facade;
I feel like I'm in hell

Yes, they are a perfect pair
I won't deny them that
Don't get me wrong; it's not their fault
My heart is where it's at

All I want is someone here
Who'll take me as I am
Someone who will care for me
And even give a damn

Life; it works in funny ways
I've learned my lesson now
So I'll move on eventually
Do not ask me how.

Chapter 35: The Kiss

Notes:

10/1/08

Chapter Text

Leaves are falling all around
Changing colors from green to red
I see them sitting on the ground
Laughing at something that he said

He reaches down to take her hand
It fits so perfectly in his
He leans in close, eyes shining bright
She finally gets her very first kiss

Her smile, I swear, could light up the world
For they are in love, it's easy to see
It's hard to believe that only last week
The girl in his arms, it could have been me

It's starting to drizzle, cooling the breeze
They stand up, still laughing, and walk away
I stand in the rain, alone with the trees
It's where I belong, and where I will stay.

Chapter 36: The Ice In Between

Notes:

10/9/08

Chapter Text

Interlocking fingers, his ring is on her hand
The sun is setting, sinking low, it seems to touch the land

Brilliant colors fill the air, a breeze is drifting by
Ruby reds and emerald greens complete an opal sky

Happiness is present in her eyes and in her heart
No force on Earth would ever dare to tear these two apart

The sun submits and sinks below the dark blue starry night
The stars are spread throughout the sky like angels taking flight

A summer rain begins to fall as mist seeps from the ground
The blossoms on a nearby tree are falling all around

He holds her close and runs his fingers through her dark brown hair
The rain is cold and brings a breeze that chills the summer air

But she is not affected by the storm from up above
And in his arms, she's dry and warm, for all she needs is love.

Chapter 37: Bitter

Notes:

10/14/08

Chapter Text

Believe what you will
Intend what you may
Though I won't ever live
To see another day
Even though I seem to be
Reaching to the stars

        I'm still as bitter as can be
        And as cold as metal bars.

Chapter 38: Unsteady Rhythm

Notes:

10/15/08

Chapter Text

Cold as the dewy drops on blades of grass nearby
A shining tear runs down my face as more flow from my eyes

My head inclines
To watch the sky
I wonder why...


The morning breeze sends chills that run up and down my spine
Alone, I sit and wish that I had someone to call mine

My tears align
And brightly shine


With my arms around my knees, I shiver once again
I cannot keep my mind away from what it could have been

When...
No, that was then


It seems to me that I can never get just one thing right
Every day it's all I think from morning until night

Golden light
What a sight
Birds take flight


My mind is reeling and I start to fall
I don't know where I am at all

In darkness which I cannot see
The inky black envelopes me

With a jump, I wake in bed
I try to calm my spinning head

I roll my eyes
And breathe a sigh

My fingers tap a steady beat
But still I feel so incomplete

I start my day, and then I know
I will not let my sadness show
And even though
They think they know

Just how I feel
But it's not real

They could never understand
When I see them hand in hand

This emptiness inside
I guess I cannot hide

If only I could fly
My eyes would be dry


And all it would be
    Is me...
          Free.

Chapter 39: For a Month

Notes:

10/22/08

Chapter Text

For a month I've tried to smile
For a month I've been alone
For a month I have been crying
These tears I haven't shown

For a month they have been happy
For a month they've been complete
For a month I haven't gotten over
Her triumph, my defeat

For a month I have been waiting
For what, I do not know
But it's been a month too long
It's time to let it go

For a month the time has flown
Still, it's been a while
For a month's a month too long;
It's time for me to smile.

Chapter 40: This Halloween

Notes:

10/31/08

Chapter Text

I got out of bed, and dressed up in black
I turned on my music and didn't look back

A grin took my face as I twisted the key
Today is the day that I get to be me

I walked down the hall with a confident stride
I looked like a ghost and felt I could glide

I smiled all day, and into the night
Until it was dark, with no trace of light

And then I remembered; I have things to do
If only my wishes would ever come true

But I walked back down to recede in my room
Only the Christmas lights brighten the gloom

I start all my work when I hear a scream
I guess I'm alone this Halloween.

Chapter 41: What I Would Do With a Heart

Notes:

11/2/08

Chapter Text

I'd keep it
I'd lose it
Apologize

I'd find it
And hold it
Up to the skies

I hear it
Still beating
Through this disguise

I see it
I see you
Look into my eyes

This heart that
I'm holding
Means no more goodbyes

My faithful
She says that
She won't tell me lies

So I must
Believe her
Until she dies

My own heart
Is pounding
My blood starts to rise

It's too much
To handle
It's such a surprise

My world starts
To mingle
There's so many ties

I lose it
I lose her
As much as she tries

She watches
Me leaving
I still hear her cries

This heart I'm
Still holding
Beats and replies

My questions
Are burning
This heart implies

It's heavy
To carry
I let go; it flies

I see her
Fall over
She lays down and sighs

I know now
About hearts
A word to the wise

Don't ever
You let go
Until she dies

Chapter 42: Draining Time

Notes:

11/13/08

Chapter Text

Every morning she gets up
To live another day
Her life is perfect, but somehow
She sees a different way

The clouds are dark today, she thinks
And thus puts on a frown
She walks and grumbles to herself
The weather gets her down

She takes a seat with friends at lunch
Who talk and laugh and smile
He kisses her hair, her hands, her lips
And holds her for a while

Sleep is what she needs, she says
And trumps back to her room
She lies alone in darkness
As silent as a tomb

But still she is not happy
After sleeping through the night
And when she wakes to live again
She scowls at morning light

She says she does not have the time
To smile and laugh and play
That I should not complain of such
And waste the time away

She glares at me, and he as well
So I get up to go
I said I'm sorry, but I guess
They'll really never know

I never meant to hurt him
Or tell her all these things
Of broken promises, hearts and lies
Sad poems and kept rings

I think they've had enough of me
And all of my complaints
But life has been improving now
I have no more restraints

Now that I am happy though,
I smile at her and see
That in her eyes, those sad, brown eyes
No happiness is free

And I know that every night
She curls up next to him
Whereas I have but one tiny light
That flickers to a dim

I sleep alone, I've lost a friend
Yet I get through my day
And I've decided life is good
I choose to see this way

So even though she says that life
Just isn't worth the cost
I won't remind her of memories
That she's seemed to have lost.

Chapter 43: Always Have, Always Will

Notes:

11/19/08

Chapter Text

Through arguing and fighting
And feeling so left out
Complaints and glares and empty stares
Things we forget about

And just when I have come to think
I can't take any more
This moment when we start again
Well, that's what friends are for

And even though we've run this loop
Time and time again
All in all, though we may fall
You'll still be my best friend.

Chapter 44: He Should Have Kissed Me

Notes:

11/29/08

Chapter Text

I looked into his eyes
He stared into mine
We leaned in closer
And tried to stop time

The warmth of his breath
I felt on my lips
The moment was right
His hands on my hips

But at the last second
He pulled away
Leaving me waiting
I wanted him to stay

But with a goodbye
He walked out the door
He left me wanting
And longing for more

My head in my hands
That's how it would be
But still I kept thinking
He should have kissed me

Chapter 45: Not Exactly

Notes:

11/29/08

Chapter Text

The necklace he gave me was wrapped 'round my thumb
Each time I thought of him my fingers went numb

I wanted to trust him, then, when he told me
He didn't still love her, that they'd never be

He told me he loved me; he'd never let go
His lies I believed, for I did not know

That he'd turn his head when she passed him by
I just should have noticed that spark in his eye

I wanted to love him, to trust and believe
That his heart was mine and that he'd never leave

We even made plans for the very next day
We'd meet up at his house, and there we would stay

We had both agreed that at midnight he'd call -
A two minute talk, and that would be all

But things didn't go quite according to plan;
I fell asleep with the phone in my hand.

Chapter 46: Broken Blood Vessel

Notes:

12/5/08

Chapter Text

I feel a throbbing in my chest
A pain I've never known
I've never had a broken vessel
In all this time I've grown

This beating is confusing me
I don't know what it's from
I keep trying to figure out
Now, what's yet to come

I just can't take this feeling
It's tearing me apart
That's not a vessel, I realize now
That bleeding is my heart.

Chapter 47: A Sonnet

Notes:

12/21/08

Chapter Text

I told him he should let me be
And he would have to live without
But it seems he's just like me
He tried to tell me not to doubt
We've been through much, a lot together
I constantly found him by my side
There's been so much to have to weather
Even when I thought he lied
It's true, we fought; we didn't talk
I thought he'd left for good
So then it came quite as a shock
When he said he never could
And now our renewed friendship sings,
"I wonder what the future brings..."

Chapter 48: Change

Notes:

12/22/08

Chapter Text

Seasons grow
From sun to snow
The moon's soft glow
Seems to flow

And like a book
With just one look
I see the change
That grows with age

Though we all differ
From then and now
I can see why
But know not how

We all must change;
Now that's a fact
And still we keep
Our friendship in tact

Never again
Will we see
What has been;
The old me

The old you
She's gone too
Although gone
We still move on

These changes blend
They'll never end
Our hearts will mend
And you will see
That here, with me
You'll always be
My friend.

Chapter 49: Digging My Own Grave

Notes:

12/28/08

Chapter Text

Six feet tall
Three feet wide
Big enough so I can fit inside

Looking down
I can see
Where I'll lay eternally

All this dirt
Thrown aside
Empty coffin lying where I died

But I'm strong
I am brave
To be digging my own grave

Chapter 50: New Year

Notes:

12/31/08

Chapter Text

It's been fun;
It's been a blast,
Looking back now
On the past.

The year's been long,
And now it's gone.

I look ahead
And see the sun
The new day comes
And then it's done

As I write,
As I sit here,
I wish us all
A good new year.

Chapter 51: Promises

Notes:

1/17/09

Chapter Text

Are they made to hold something together
Or to tear it apart?

You cannot hold one in your hand
But when it breaks, you're upset
And there's no going back

Do we think about what we're doing
When we make one?

Some cast them aside as if it doesn't matter
And like a glass rose
They shatter with one touch

So how do you take one?
With hope for the future.

And how do I take one?
With disbelief and readiness for when it breaks.

If we keep them, they build trust
If we forget them, we lose our friends
When so many are made, how are we to keep them all?

Isn't that the question?
But my answer is this:

Keep your promises
Because I don't want them
If you don't mean it

And if you promise me something
Whether I want you to or not
You had damn well better keep to your word

Because if this new promise breaks
So then, will my heart.

Chapter 52: Wish I Could Be Beautiful

Notes:

1/17/09

Chapter Text

So do you see that girl
Who sits quietly and reads her book?

The way her hair falls
Gently around her face

Her sky blue eyes sparkle when she looks up
And her soft smile leaves you weak

And I see you watching her
Your breath catches when she moves

Yet here I sit, trying to read my book
Distracted also at how beautiful she is

And I can't help being jealous
I can't help noticing how perfect she seems

So just when I go back to my book
My eyes dart back up to watch her walk to you

She says hello
And her voice is as soft as her smile

I see you melt because of it
And when people pass by, it's her they see

And here I sit, reading my book;
Invisible
And I wish I could be beautiful.

Chapter 53: What is Love?

Notes:

1/18/09

Chapter Text

What is Love?

Love is so many things, and in the end, indescribable.

It is when you look into his eyes
And you just know.

It is when you call him on the phone
And you both sit there for five, ten minutes
Not saying a word
And yet, it's perfect

It is when you know you don't need
Anything else
For the rest of your life

It is the feeling of being whole

It is happiness in its purest form.

It is your greatest hope, realized.

And when you go home for a month,
A week,
A day
You miss him before you've even left his arms

And when you really are away from him
It's like a hole in your core
That can't be filled
Until he's near you again

When you're at home lying in bed
Without him, missing him
Your fingertips tingle and they seem to get weak
And your heart aches from missing him

It is the tears that fall from your eyes
Even though nothing is wrong;
You just miss him so much

It is the realization
That if he were to disappear from your life
You couldn't go on
Even if you tried

It is holding hands
And kissing in the rain

It is not saying a word
But that's all you need

It is when forgiveness comes easily
A little too easily, perhaps

It is smiles and laughs
Bubbly joy that overflows from his eyes
From your eyes

You cannot hold it in your hand
And yet, it is the most important thing

It is a promise
Of so many things.

It is the spark
That never gets old;
Never goes out.

It is the thrill of when he says just one word:
"Sweetheart"
Even though you've heard it countless times before

It simply is.
And you can't prove it
But you know it's true

It's when they believe you
When you say
You're in love.

Chapter 54: Don't Love Me

Notes:

1/18/09

Chapter Text

Your intentions used to be good
You made me feel important

You called me beautiful
Said you want to be with me
Forever, and after that too

You offered me things
I haven't thought possible

But time and time again I've denied you
Still, you can't take the hint

I don't love you.
Don't love me.

It's gotten to that point, hasn't it?
Where you say you're in love
With someone else

Oh, she was a sweet girl.
And you broke her heart
By trying to get to me

Because that was your only real intention
With her
Wasn't it?

So how can I put it so you'll finally understand?

I don't love you.
Don't love me.

And if this doesn't end
Like it seems to never end
I'll put an end to it
With his help

Because I love him; not you.
So I tell you for the last time:

I don't love you.
Don't love me.

Chapter 55: What is a Lie?

Notes:

1/18/09

Chapter Text

What is a lie?

It is a broken promise

It is the wish that never came true

It is looking into his eyes
And believing him
Even though you know you shouldn't

It is being in love
With someone else

It is the facade we so faithfully put up
Like a veil over our face

It is hope; shattered

It is a perfect dream

It is false friendship

It is broken feelings;
Broken hearts
Fallen tears

It is an angel that's fallen from the sky

It is the shooting star
That we make a wish on

It is sending a letter in a bottle
And hoping it will reach the person
It's being sent to

It is never ending and unbreakable
And, looking back, if you want to undo it,
You find it's too late.

Chapter 56: Poems

Notes:

1/22/09

Chapter Text

Poems.

Do they have to rhyme?
Or be in time?

Does the meter really matter?
Can the words be...
Scattered?

The sentences don't have to make
Sense, do they?

In a poem, you can write
From any point of view.

But, you may ask, can't a story do?

Ah, yes, my dear; a story would do fine.
But it wouldn't rhyme;
It would take time.

A poem is the mysterious way to write
If you want to write only to yourself
To blind their sight.

Chapter 57: Red

Notes:

2/9/09

Chapter Text

Roses, in Spring's brief bloom
A gentle glow in a dark room

Love, free as the breeze

Blood, streaming from the heart
Anger, tearing us apart

Feathers, on the wings of a bird
The word

Fire, smoldering away
A sunset, the end of the day

Rubies, sparkling in the light
Rust, in the moon's glow at night

Apples, crisp as autumn

Copper, tinted coins
Old temples, ancient shrines

Baubles, stained glass

All these things
From setting suns to ruby rings

Are bled
From red.

Chapter 58: Black

Notes:

2/14/09

Chapter Text

Charcoal
A soul

Onyx and ashes
Thunder cloud crashes

Darkness, shadows
The hanging gallows

Deep in your eyes
Rainy night skies

Death
A dying word, a last breath

Ink, the bottom of the sea
Broken glass, broken hearts, an evil that's free

A tunnel, burnt bones
Being alone

Club cards and spades
Miles of graves

Nightmares and dreams
Horror, fear, screams

A cat that is seen
On Friday thirteen

And the whole world seeps back
In the dark starry night
At the end of your sight
To black.

Chapter 59: I Can Hear the Birds

Notes:

2/25/09

Chapter Text

I can hear the birds,
Singing without words

I can see the trees
Blossom in the breeze

Melting snow
Is all for show
Just let it go

I can feel the world
Growing warmer
Beneath my feet

I can feel the love,
Rain from up above

Spring is in the air
Fervent everywhere

I see people holding hands
I just have to smile
I know my turn will come
One day, in a while

And I'm content to wait
It never is too late
And if love never finds me
I'm still as happy as I'll ever be

The air grows warmer
The nights get longer

And I'll wait here
Under the stars
For the fireflies to arrive

Chapter 60: Staring at the Rain

Notes:

3/10/09

Chapter Text

If I stare at the rain long enough
Sometimes I can still see you
And my heart grows a little weak

If I stare at the rain
I always hope you'll find me
Sitting, staring, waiting

If I sit in the rain and look up
And close my eyes
Sometimes I can feel your breath, warm on my lips

I want to kiss you back
But it's just the rain
Kissing me

When I stare at the rain
I wait for you to come
Sit beside me and hold me in your arms

So I stare at the rain
And after time has passed me by
I stand up and go to you

Because wishing you were here with me
Isn't going to get me anywhere.

Chapter 61: My Secret

Notes:

3/23/09

Chapter Text

The sunset fills my eyes instead of tears
Like golden drops of water under sun-splashed docks
And, sighing, I smile into the setting sun,
Letting the last rays of warmth kiss my face
So the cool night comes
And I look to the stars
That seem to glitter and fall
And I want to fall, backward,
Into my secret's arms
Letting them wrap and entwine around me
As a thorny stem would adorn a rose
So I kiss the midnight air
And look for my secret again.

Chapter 62: Wonder

Notes:

3/25/09

Chapter Text

I look in the mirror and wonder
If he'll care about what I look like today.
He'll say I'm adorable,
No matter what I wear
And I won't believe him
Because I've been told that before;
I've been lied to before,
And I don't know what to believe
Anymore.
So sometimes I sit and wonder
If he's telling the truth
And all I can do
Is hope that he is
And wonder.

Chapter 63: Future

Notes:

3/26/09

Chapter Text

"Just look to the future," he had said.
"It's to your right," he added, and turned my head to the right to face him.
I smiled. He's so romantic.
And yet, I don't know what to do.
Should I step blindly into the future with him?
Take his hand and trust him?
Or, turning my head to look back,
Do I remember what I have learned from the past?
How do I know which way is right?
How do I know which path to choose?
I just...
I just want to be happy.
And I can't see my future
But maybe... maybe he can.
So I'll take his hand and step into the mist
And I'll try to trust him
As I look over my shoulder
To glare at my past
Which is glaring back at me.

Chapter 64: Little Love Poem

Notes:

3/30/09

Chapter Text

So take me away
To somewhere we can be alone
And hold my hand
Brush back my hair
And I'll tell you I love you...
And mean it.

Chapter 65: Sometimes

Notes:

4/15/09

Chapter Text

Sometimes I just want to be alone.
Sometimes I need to learn how to shut my mouth.

All I want is to be with someone
Who I can talk to.

Chapter 66: You Know What Fits Well?

Notes:

4/22/09

Chapter Text

You know what fits well?
Sand and the ocean
Leaves and a tree
Friends and a handshake
But not you and me

You know what fits well?
A key and a lock
A breath and a sigh
Stars and the night
But not you and I

You know what fits well?
Ink and a pen
A hint and a clue
Daydreams and wishes
But not me and you.

Chapter 67: My Darling

Notes:

6/11/09

Chapter Text

Darkness has taken us over, my darling,
The night time has come and it's time to depart.
But oh, my darling, for just one more moment,
I'll sleep now and dream that we never may part.

The moment, my darling, I wish it was longer,
But sleep soon shall take me in its warm embrace.
I wish, my darling, that you could come with me;
The memories of you I will never replace.

But now, my darling, my eyelids are closing,
I cannot hold on to this life anymore.
I want you to know, my darling: I love you,
Like waves of the ocean do love the sea shore.

Chapter 68: Calotta Ring

Notes:

10/29/09

Chapter Text

I'm sitting behind him as he raises his hand
I look for the silvery glint of the band
That he wears on his finger and never removes;
The heart faces in for the love that it proves
I sigh as he lowers his arm once again
And continue to dream of what could have been
If the ring on his finger had never been there,
Would I have a chance? Would I even dare?
Could he be the one who would hold me so long,
To feel in his arms that it's where I belong?
And just as I'm dreaming to call him my own,
He says, "Love you too," and hangs up the phone.

Chapter 69: Bloodclot

Notes:

10/29/09

Chapter Text

I feel my heart for what it is:
A spiderweb of veins and blood
All heavy in my chest it sits
Beating, pumping, slow like mud
In days before, it used to rise
And tingle with my fingertips
To soar throughout the rainy skies
And prance and dodge the cold wet drips
But now I feel my heart for all
It's ever been and still will be -
A ruby stone that's bound to fall,
To crush my love, my spirit; me.

Chapter 70: Imprints

Notes:

10/31/09

Chapter Text

Like whispers lying on the ground
Silent as the naked trees
The imprints tell of shadows found:
Soaking wet invisible leaves
The silence settles all around
Like black and white that no one sees.

The leaves continue in the air
To float and flutter in the breeze
To jump and swirl without a care
Flying circles, high, with ease
And all the branches now are bare
On all the brown decaying trees

The imprints on the ground, I swear
Are getting faded; hardly seen
The maple leaves that once were there
Are now a memory of something green
Their shadows on the ground will share
Their part of this year's Halloween.

Chapter 71

Notes:

11/1/09

Chapter Text

I feel like we don't act the same
As other couples do;
We never hold each other's hand
Or whisper "I love you."

We never talk about our love
And how it may not end
I pull my hair, you look around
And act like just a friend

And when I go to bed at night,
Driven close to tears,
I just can't wash away the face
I've known for many years

I'd like to tell you how I feel
About my breaking heart
And how I'd love to see us grow
And never fall apart

But still I feel that this charade
Is just too much to take
I'm using all the strength I can
To hope my heart won't break

In truthfulness, I'll tell you now
What has come to me:
If we can never fix this thing,
We're just not meant to be.

Chapter 72: Leave

Notes:

11/20/09

Chapter Text

All my friends will soon be gone
The faces I have come to know and love
Will disappear as I get on the plane
I'll see them leave from high above
With teary eyes, I know they'll miss me
As much as I'll miss them
But still I'm happy to leave
The drama, the people, the country I know
"You can't leave," they said
But here I go.

Chapter 73: Realize - Thunderclouds

Notes:

11/20/09

Chapter Text

When he is gone
I notice not
He's all I want
But haven't got
He holds my hand
But looks away
I want to tell
But stay away
I sometimes wish
That he could see
How much I want
For us to be
My mouth stays shut
He'll never know
That what I want,
About to go,
Will leave for good
I will forget
To be reminded
Without regret
So let it be
And let it rain
So I can sleep
To dream again

Chapter 74: Wait

Notes:

11/20/09

Chapter Text

A flicker of a moment gone
Sparks the interest for a second
Then I wait again for one;
An interest that will last a minute
But in the end the moments come
They disappear so quickly in it;
The time that swallows it becomes
The time we use to wait, and kill it.

Chapter 75: Ebb and Flx

Notes:

11/25/09

Chapter Text

See the world through my eyes
As you pass the changing leaves
Very slowly realize
Everyone ignores the trees
Something happens every day
Of great importance we don't see
Maybe we just look away
Everyone, and you and me
Though we may not seem to care
How our world is falling to its knees
I, for one, just want to share:
Now's the time to save the trees
Go save the world, save something. Please.

Chapter 76: Crystal Clear

Notes:

12/2/09

Chapter Text

Walking down the sidewalk
Looking at the sky
The stars are shining crystal clear
Reflecting in my eyes

Sighing, I can see my breath
Misty in the air
My lungs are stinging from the cold
But right now I don't care

I know what I am walking to
I know what's soon to come
And even though I know that now
Later I'll be gone

So crystal stars, I ask of you
Don't stay up for me
For I will not be walking back
And I'll not need to see

Chapter 77: I Want

Notes:

12/17/09

Chapter Text

I want to lay outside and freeze to death.
I want to wish for things I know I'll never have.
I want the tears that are running down my face
To freeze in place
And chip and shatter along with the rest of my body.
I want to be alone.

Chapter 78: But You're Gone

Notes:

12/19/09

Chapter Text

There's something I wanted to say
Before you walked away
I wish you could have stayed
To hear me

I wanted to tell you the truth:
How much you mean to me
Is more than you will ever,
Ever know

I wanted to say these things
To see what the future would bring
Perhaps a diamond ring...
But you're gone.

Chapter 79: Set in Stone

Notes:

1/30/10

Chapter Text

Everything is set in stone
Until she leaves him; quite alone
Then his world is turned around
Backwards, reversed, upside-down
He loses track of where he's been
I open my arms and let him in
His smile is bright, and yet confused
He asked her back, but she refused
I say it's time to let her go
But will he ever? I'll never know.

Chapter 80: Up in Flames

Notes:

1/30/10

Chapter Text

She stepped into the cold night air,
Felt the warmth above despair,
Saw the man from yesterday
Who lit up a smoke, and walked away.

Chapter 81: Oh

Notes:

1/30/10

Chapter Text

Oh, she wraps her arms around him
Oh, she looks into his eyes
Oh, she whispers secrets;
"I love you" in disguise

Oh, to be in his arms
Oh, to look into his eyes
Oh, to tell him secrets;
"I love you" in disguise

Oh, for him to understand
Oh, for her to leave
Oh, if only both of us got our wish
But he takes a sudden reprieve

Oh, his phone is ringing
Oh, he takes the call
Oh, it is his girlfriend
His face just says it all

Oh, I look at her and smile
Oh, she smiles back
Oh, we have to laugh
At whom we both do lack

Oh, we heave a heavy sigh
Oh, we walk away
Oh, we laugh and talk and such
And we can hear him say,

"Oh, I love you, darling,
Oh, I must be gone."
Oh, but we don't dare look back
As he hangs up the phone.

Chapter 82: Winter Wish

Notes:

2/4/10

Chapter Text

The snow is changing into light
That falls and shimmers in the night
So winter transforms into spring
And everything seems to be right

The dawn of daylight starts to bring
A golden glow on everything
The snow is naught but memories
And soon the bluebirds start to sing

The wind is warm now in the breeze
It ruffles life within the leaves
That quickly bud and grow anew
To bring the color back to trees

The sky has changed from gray to blue
The trees regained their greenish hue
And winter has been kept at bay
The snow and cold have gone now too

A sunset greets the end of day
The leaves and trees begin to sway
The stream of sunlight turns to snow
And summer vanishes; gone away

How did the summer come and go?
I cannot think and do not know
The ways in which my dreams take part
By mirroring my longing heart.

Chapter 83: Patches

Notes:

2/24/10

Chapter Text

You would be the first to know, he would always say
If his girlfriend chose to leave to go a separate way
In half an hour, I'd be there, knocking on your door
And you and I would always be together ever more
I wish, I say, and sign again, and holding back my tears
I know that wish will not come true, he'd dated her for years
Still, there's something when we talk that sparkles in his eyes
That makes my heart grow weak again until I realize
That he and I will never be unless there comes a time
When his girl does choose to leave and then he would be mine.

Chapter 84: Ardella

Notes:

2/25/10

Chapter Text

A sister, my conscience, and my best friend
Ready, as always, to lend me a hand
Dependable, loyal, and true to the end
Even if, sometimes, I lose my head
Listens to me when my heart needs to mend
Loves me for me; I can always depend... on
A sister, my conscience, and my best friend.

Chapter 85: My Love Waits

Notes:

3/12/10

Chapter Text

My loves waits for your reply
I wish, remember, hope and cry
And as the days slip idly by
I sit alone beneath the sky
And tell myself you're worth the try
Yet in the end, I'll say goodbye.

Chapter 86: Leaving Soon

Notes:

3/16/10

Chapter Text

Coming up upon us is the time when we shall part
And yet you'll never ever know what you've done to my heart
And though I'll never see you for as long as I may live
The memories of you and I were all that you could give
I know that when I leave this place, I'll have to let you go
At first I'll miss you so much more than you will ever know
But give me time, and soon enough, the memories will fade
And I'll move on and I'll forget the memories that we made
But as of now I'll make the best of this until its past
And 'til I leave I'll try to make those ending moments last.

Chapter 87: This Feeling

Notes:

3/16/10

Chapter Text

A funny feeling that I can't resist,
No matter what I do,
Grows in my heart and sleeps in my mind
Unless I'm talking to you:
Sleeping no more, this feeling awakes,
Then it grows stronger yet
Until we go our seperate ways, and
Lets my mind forget
Lest my heart overtakes my mouth,
You'll never, ever know:

love is the feeling that's in my heart,
the feeling that continues to grow.

Chapter 88: In the Corner

Notes:

3/16/10

Chapter Text

He's closing his eyes and kissing that girl,
That girl that I do not know
And in the corner, I stand alone
Not letting my feelings show

His hand is moving down her back
And lower his hand will go
And in the corner, I stand alone
Not letting my feelings show

Their sparks turn to fire in short bursts of lust
Together they seem to flow
And in the corner, I stand alone
Not letting my feelings show

He takes her hand and leads her away
As their passion continues to grow
And in the corner, I stand alone
Not letting my feelings show

I wish that the girl in his arms had been me
But sadly it just wasn't so,
And in the corner, I still stand alone
Not letting my feelings show.

Chapter 89: It's Fine

Notes:

3/16/10

Chapter Text

If you're still hers when we meet again,
If I'm no more than just a friend,
I'll understand; it's fine.

If I look deeper into your eyes,
If I find your love for me is a disguise,
I'll understand; it's fine.

If we are to stand out under the stars,
If, then, that moment can never be ours,
I'll understand; it's fine.

If I'm not the one that you want to love,
If we never stand in the rain from above,
I'll understand; it's fine.

If memories of me disappear with time,
If I never get to call you mine,
I'll understand; it's fine.

Chapter 90: I Hate That I Love You

Notes:

3/25/10

Chapter Text

I think about you constantly
You just won't leave my head
First thing in the morning, and
Before I go to bed
I just want you to disappear
And leave me then, for good
So I'll not have to think of you
I wish you understood
I see you everywhere I go
And hate it so, it's true
Yet my heart leaps to my throat
When I think of you
I wish that you would let me be
And leave my heart and mind
I hate that I'm in love with you
And that you won't be mine.

Chapter 91: Outside It's Raining

Notes:

3/25/10

Chapter Text

It's sparkling outside
No, that's just the rain
I'm sparkling inside
No, that's just the pain

It's foggy outside
So thick you can't see
I'm foggy inside
It's hiding the real me

It's misting outside
Rusting all the gears
I'm misting inside
I turn it into tears

It's raining outside
Nature doing its part
I'm raining inside
Drowning out my heart.

Chapter 92: Miles Away

Notes:

4/3/10

Chapter Text

I'm thinking of you
And missing you too
From three thousand miles away

I know that it's tough
When you're in the rough
And having a really bad day

I wish I was there
To comfort and care
And make everything okay

I hope you're alright
You'll pull through this fight
For good or for bad, either way

But know in the end
I'm still your best friend
Even from miles away.

Chapter 93: Hanging Shoes

Notes:

4/26/10

Inspired partly from the poem Ballad of Birmingham by Dudley Randall.

Chapter Text

You untied your shoes and took them off
And tied them together again
You stopped for a second to wonder and note
That they looked as they first had been
You tossed them high, up in the air
And before they could go any higher,
A smile creeped upon your face
When they caught in a telephone wire
You walked away with bare feet and a grin
As your shoes swung there in the breeze
And though you are gone, your shoes still hang there
Your tied shoes that everyone sees.

Chapter 94: Living on the Edge

Notes:

5/26/10

Chapter Text

You tell me life has lost its spark,
It's duller every day
And then you go and tell me how,
In every single way:

A roller-coaster's no good now,
The thrill has dwindled down
You feel the same while riding it
As you do on the ground

It does no good to ride a plane,
Thousands of miles high
The clouds have bored you all to tears
As they go flying by

Alcohol has lost its taste
Its bottled courage, too
It's not the same when everything
You say these days is true

Colors start to fade as well;
They've given in to gray
Fireworks' and sunsets' glow
Have also gone away

You tell me this and look at me
Expecting sage advice,
But what should I suggest to you,
Now that you've voiced these dislikes?

I look at you, and suddenly,
A thought comes from above:
I take your hand in mine and smile.
"Darling, let's fall in love."

Chapter 95: Powerlines and Stars

Notes:

9/3/10

Chapter Text

Sitting on the curbside
Laying in the grass
Talking to him seamlessly
As hours seem to pass

Deep in conversation
He finally shuts the door
He tells me that he doesn't want
To hurt me anymore

And even though it's over,
This moment still is ours
As we both lay here talking
Under powerlines and stars.

Chapter 96: Stress

Notes:

9/8/10

Chapter Text

So many things to worry about
And just so little time
This stress on me is taxing;
It's weighing on my mind
As if my heart is heavy,
It seems to pull me down:
All my hope and happiness
Are both about to drown
So many things to worry about,
And people to impress
I don't know how to deal with this:
This huge amount of stress.

Chapter 97: Autumn Air 2010

Notes:

9/29/10

Chapter Text

I love the smell of rotting leaves
That fall like ashes from the trees
I love the fresh crisp autumn air
That fills the places no one sees.

The dead leaves float without a care
Not knowing that I'm sitting there
Watching them fall and fly and dance
Through the breeze that ruffles my hair.

The trees here never get the chance
To say goodbye to birds and ants
They die too fast to look around
And sleep among the dying plants.

The leaves are crunchy on the ground
A magic music kind of sound
That fills my heart with love that's found
In autumn air that's now abound.

Chapter 98: Physical Geology

Notes:

10/25/10

Chapter Text

Time is ticking slowly
As I look up at the clock
Seconds turn to minutes
With every tick and tock
Sleepily I sit here
I try to stay awake
My feet are tapping restlessly
And make my body shake
I feel my eyelids closing:
To sleep I will succumb
My dreams are only forming -
The bell rings, class is done.

Chapter 99: Leaves

Notes:

10/31/10

Chapter Text

The leaves are changing colors
From green to gold to red
Falling from the trees, they land
Brown and cold and dead
Crunching underneath my feet
I breathe the autumn air
The trees look cold and empty now
Because their arms are bare
The dead leaves jump and swirl and dance;
The wind spins them around
And as I walk, the wind picks up-
The leaves fly off the ground
I smile as I watch them soar,
Wishing I could be
A happy crispy autumn leaf-
Cold and dead, but free.

Chapter 100: Just One Moment

Notes:

11/8/10

Chapter Text

In just one moment,
And not in a "just a moment" way
But a single moment
Is when my eyes can say,
Hello, how are you?
I don't know your name
You don't know mine either
But that makes us the same
And maybe you would like to meet
To get to know me more
I would like to know you too -
That's what my smile's for
We could spend days and years and time -
As much as the world can give
And we could fall in love, as long -
As long as we both live
I tell you all this with my eyes -
That this could start today
But then the moment disappears
As I watch you look away.

Chapter 101: Ocean Spray

Notes:

11/16/10

Chapter Text

We're walking barefoot down the beach
The rain is sparkling on the sand
We walk together, him and I,
Slowly, calmly, hand in hand.

The ocean air is warm and thick,
And even with the rainy breeze,
The cold will never touch me here -
Among the gently swaying trees.

The sand is dark beneath our feet,
Cool, refreshing to the touch
I'm glad the rain is light today;
I never liked hot sand too much.

The ocean swallows up our feet
As we continue on our way
The rain around us turns to mist
And mingles with the ocean spray.

Chapter 102: Love Potion

Notes:

2/8/11

Chapter Text

I have a little potion that sits upon my shelf.
It looks like blood, it's ruby red. I mixed the stuff myself.
It glimmers softly in the light that seeps in through my door
And if you were to open it, you'd be surprised, I'm sure.
First you'd hear the crickets, chirping slow and sweet
Perfect for a summer night, among the stars and heat
Then you'd smell the sweetest smell of freshly cut green grass
Newly severed from the earth to grow again at last
And then the summer rain would come to sweep you far away
Where thunder rolls across the sky and darkens up the day
At last you'd see a sunset - pure brilliance in the sky
Vibrant colors sinking low as a summer breeze blows by
And when the stars are sparkling in the darkness of the night
You close your eyes for just one moment and feel yourself take flight
You blink into the darkness and turn my desk lamp on
Reaching for the potion, you find that it is gone.

Chapter 103: Black Eyes

Notes:

3/7/11

Chapter Text

A girl walks into my classroom without a single sound
She sits where she's supposed to and then she looks around
She can't be more than seven, so I'm startled when I see
Her eyes as black as charcoal staring right at me
Emotionless and empty are just the way they look
Like something from a movie, or read out of a book.

Chapter 104: Good for a Dream

Notes:

3/7/11

Chapter Text

There is a girl that most everyone knows
You see her once, and then she goes
She stays in your mind for a day or a week
But you don't know her name and you've not heard her speak
Where is she from? What does she do?
You might wonder this, but you haven't a clue
You ask all your friends, you ask around town
But no one you ask has seen her around
The reality is that she lives in your mind
You've made her up, she's one of a kind
She's really only useful for one single thing
She doesn't exist, but she's good for a dream.

Chapter 105: Fireflies and Stars

Notes:

6/6/11

Chapter Text

I stand out in the moonlight
With you there by my side
A summer breeze blows past us
I smile and close my eyes

The warm air smells of lilacs
The grass is wet with dew
I feel my heart beat faster
As you whisper "I love you"

All around us, glittering
Like gemstones in a mine
Fireflies are floating
Blinking out of time

And what I have been wishing:
A love that's only ours,
Finally came true tonight
'Twixt fireflies and stars.

Chapter 106: Not Going to Cry

Notes:

6/18/11

Chapter Text

Goodbye, mom. Goodbye, dad.
I'm not going to cry.
Even though leaving makes me sad,
I'm not going to cry.

I watch as your faces disappear
And as you wave goodbye.
I board the plane, my first time this year.
I'm not going to cry.

I bite my lip and look away
As the plane is starting to fly.
I know I'll see you another day;
I'm not going to cry.

I heave a sigh and force a smile
As the miles go flying by.
And though I won't see you for a while
I'm not going to cry.

Chapter 107: All Right

Notes:

6/18/11

Chapter Text

Try and see what we can see, from our point of view
You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treated you
We know what he's been doing and we just want you to smile
We haven't seen you be yourself in quite a long, long while
You tell us that you love him, you just can't let him go
But he is dragging you down with him: this you have to know
We are here to help you. Your friends stay by your side.
Know this; take advantage of it; just swallow your pride.
One day you will look back and see what he did to you was wrong
And you will find that happiness you've been missing all along
Everything will become clear to you and in a different light
All of a sudden, everything in your life will be all right.

Chapter 108: Reasons

Notes:

8/23/11

Chapter Text

You fell in love too quickly
That's why we didn't last
You gave your heart away to me;
"I love you" came too fast
Your expectations of me and love
Were higher than I could see
You thought me perfect; you thought me things
That I will never be
You said my heart belonged to you
You had the "right" to know
Everything that was on my mind -
Things I never show
So if you want my reason
For why we got off track,
The reason's simple, and that is just:
I did not love you back.

Chapter 109: Marching Band

Notes:

8/23/11

Chapter Text

The sun is sinking slowly
Beneath the western hill
The golden leaves reflected
Without a breeze are still
The drums down in the valley
Sound like a cannon blast
But nothing can compare to when
The winds come in at last
Sounds of trumpets pierce the air
The marching of the feet -
Two hundred strong, and every one
Keeps the steady beat
The sun is blazing off the bells
Of brasses, high and low
The fresh-cut grass, a better smell
I think I'll never know
I smile as I breathe the air,
I sit and close my eyes
And all I hear is the marching band
Under the stormy skies.

Chapter 110: More Than a Second

Notes:

8/23/11

Chapter Text

Kiss me for more than a second
Hold onto my lips with yours
Keep coming back, my darling,
Like the waves of the sea kiss the shores
Hold my hand for more than a second
Interlock your fingers with mine
And keep holding on, my darling,
Until the night's stars begin to shine
Hold me for more than a second
Wrap your arms around my waist
Do not run away, my darling,
Leaving me with only a taste
Kiss me for more than a second
Fill up my heart with love
Stay with me here, my darling,
So you'll know what I'm wishing of.

Chapter 111: That Lie

Notes:

8/25/11

Chapter Text

I filled your days with happiness
And made you feel like someone new
I seemed the perfect antidote
For what was troubling you
You saw the best in me, you said
I brought a smile to your face
You'd never want to let me go
When we were in our tight embrace
You lost my love when you told me
That I was one beyond compare
I've heard that lie too many times
So now you're gone, and I don't care.

Chapter 112: Windy City

Notes:

8/29/11

Chapter Text

Brought together by a common cause
Meeting people I do not know
Sing-alongs and jam-packed cars
Watching our new friendships grow
Being close to what we love
Brings us closer in our hearts
When we leave we know that we
Will never really be apart
With teary eyes we say goodbye
And my voice catches in my throat
I want to say how much you mean
But on these words I start to choke
Being here with all of you
Released the happiness inside of me
It will never be too soon if I ever
Return to the Windy City.

Chapter 113: People Change Like

Notes:

8/29/11

Chapter Text

People change like
The leaves on the trees in the beginning of autumn
People change like
When they think you might have forgotten about them
People change like
The realization of something new
People change like
When they hear the words "I'm falling for you"
People change like
The pebbles that roll through the winding stream
People change like
When they realize you don't say what you actually mean
People change like
How whispers travel from ear to ear
People change like
How I can't keep that promise you wanted to hear.

Chapter 114: Don't

Notes:

11/11/11

Chapter Text

Don't
Tell me I'm beautiful
You can come up with better than that
Don't
Say that I'm perfect
You can take your lies all back
Don't
Touch me right now
I'm not in the mood, okay?
Don't
Say that I'm wonderful
Save it for another day
Don't
Say I'm the best thing
That ever happened to you
Don't
Say I make you happy
When you're feeling so blue
Don't
Use those cheesy lines
They've never worked on me
Don't
Tell me there are
Other fish in the sea
Don't
Make me believe
What we've got is real
Don't
Express those feelings
I know you don't feel
Don't
Leave me a note
To tell me that you care
Don't
Say that I'm worth it
We're not the perfect pair
Don't
Whisper those pretty
Little things in my ear
Don't
Lie to me anymore
I don't want to hear
Don't
Say that I'm everything
You've been dreaming of
Don't
Say all these things
When I know you're not in love.

Chapter 115: Your Decision

Notes:

11/11/11

Chapter Text

This is your life, I'm telling you straight.
Make your own choices, you don't have to wait
To hear someone tell you the right way to live,
This way or that, to take or to give
You hold your destiny within your own grasp:
To let go of something, to make that thing last
To smile or frown, to laugh or to cry
To be deep like the ocean, or tall like the sky
To be happy or sad, to love him or not
Take my advice, it's all that I've got
So live your own life, I know you know how.
Take it or leave it, it's up to you now.

Chapter 116: Wishing for Love Again

Notes:

11/15/11

Chapter Text

I wish I could fall in love again
That wonderful feeling of bliss
What would I give to love again?
To have all the things that I miss -
Smiling and laughing, not saying a word,
Passing him by in the hall -
Then looking behind me to see him go,
When he hasn't left at all
Holding his hand in the back of the car
Writing him notes in class
Talking to him on the phone late at night,
Watching the hours pass
Wondering if he is thinking of me
When I am thinking of him
Going for walks, learning new things
Making up dates on a whim
Having "our song," kissing his cheek,
Saying "I love you too,"
Using nicknames, writing him songs,
Trying out something new
Lately I'm hoping and dreaming again,
Of what I've been thinking of
I wish I could feel those feelings again.
I really miss being in love.

Chapter 117: Bring a Little Sun

Notes:

11/21/11

Chapter Text

"When you come back next week,
Bring a little sun.
I can stand the cold,
But bring a little sun."

That is what he told her,
That lovely girl of his
It shouldn't have bothered me so much
When he told her this

Likely it was harmless
Just a passing thing,
But when I read his note to her
My eyes would start to sting

As if he said he loved her,
Hidden in those words
A message that he missed her;
A message went unheard

"Bring a little sun," he said,
So innocent and sure,
But in those words I figured out
He's still in love with her.

Chapter 118: Let Me Go

Notes:

1/27/12

Chapter Text

"If you love me, let me go,"
Is how the saying goes
Rarely this advice is followed
As everybody knows
No one wants to lose the thing
That they love most of all
They cling to it so desperately
Unwilling to let it fall
Realization slips away
As they hold it tight
That they are choking what they love
And smothering its light
They say that if you let it go
And it is meant to be
The thing you love will make its way
Back to you or me
So heed my words, for those who squeeze
That thing until it's black
Trust me, if you let it go,
It won't be coming back.

Chapter 119: Trail of Starlight

Notes:

2/7/12

Chapter Text

Tiny stars are sprinkled on the ground
Winding their way through town
They sparkle and twinkle happily
In the twilight of the ending day
Glittering gold, here and there
Showing a path for the traveler
Who cares not where he goes
I follow the stars and each step
I take fills me with happiness -
More and more joy fills me
Inside.
I feel warm, though the air is chill
As I follow the stars on the ground.

Chapter 120: Bucketfull of Stars

Notes:

2/7/12

Chapter Text

Sitting on my lap
Is a bucket full of stars
Cold and sparkling,
They twinkle up at me.
I shift my weight
And the stars take flight
Glittering and winking,
They smile to themselves.
They dance in their bucket
And in the night sky.
My bucket full of stars
Is a bucket full of ice
Tiny beads of light
As small as a grain of sand
By the millions, my stars
Twinkle up at me.

Chapter 121: No Love

Notes:

2/14/12

Chapter Text

No roses in the mail
No cards in my pocket
No diamond jewelry
No candy dipped in chocolate
No gold heart-shaped necklace
No paper hearts in pink
No funny little poem
To make me stop and think
No soft stuffed animals
No smiles thrown my way
No red and white Valentines
No love for me today.

Chapter 122: The Dark Side

Notes:

3/8/12

Chapter Text

You're always going to see the dark side
The dark side of me
You'll never see me smile or how happy
How happy I can be
The words spill out of my mouth
And out of my brain
You'll never see my pleasure
You'll only know my pain
You'll never see the bright side
The bright side of me
Because you don't deserve it
You don't deserve to know me.

Chapter 123: To Be Happy

Notes:

12/20/12

Chapter Text

I want to be happy
Is that too much to ask?
I want to spend time with my friends
To make memories that last
I want to do the things I love
Make people understand
To see past our differences
Move forward hand in hand
I want the world to be at peace
But that day is far away
We can work together
To find a better way
Some people can't see past their problems
They think they have it worst
Without a care for others
They put themselves first
They laugh at the expense
Of others who will fail
And can't see past their selfishness
So they cry and whine and wail
But I want to be happy
I've got my life to live
To make the world a better place
Is what I have to give.

Chapter 124: By The Way

Notes:

12/20/12

Chapter Text

Where should I start?
Shall I tell you all that's in my heart?
My friend, we've been through
So much, me and you
Across the years
Through laughter and tears
And silence and long talks
Breezy autumn lakeside walks
I've always been here
Year after year after year
Even if you didn't care
That I was there
When you pushed me away
I said I would stay
I waited for so long
And now that time is gone
All I have left to give
Is me, and our whole lives to live
After all that we've been through
Think what we could do
And by the way
I thought I should say
I'm in love with you.

Chapter 125: Hearts on Keyboards

Notes:

12/20/12

Chapter Text

Friends are allowed to type hearts on keyboards, I said.
But inside my heart was pounding
The heart that does not look anything like
Less than three
"Just friends," my brain says
But my heart is filled with bubbles
Filled with happiness
Excitement builds up as I look at those two symbols
That could technically mean
"Crescendo to three"
But even my brain knows
We're not growing louder
Or a number less than
Because friends can type hearts on keyboards
But so can he.

Chapter 126: Now and Then

Notes:

12/20/12

Chapter Text

Now and then I think back
To when we were together
The memories we made were real
I thought they'd last forever
But time has faded them to gray
Shadows rise and fall
And sometimes I try to remember
But I can't recall at all
Did you even love me,
Or was that just a lie,
To make me feel better
When I would start to cry?
I don't recall the smell of you
Though I know that once I did
I think the strongest feelings
Are the ones I hid
But now I don't remember
Your face or smell or name
I wonder if you ever
Feel like this, the same
And though I have forgotten
Who you were to me
I feel a lightness in my heart
And I know I am free
But every now and then I wish
That I could see you one last time
Where we could just be us again
And I could finally call you mine.

Chapter 127: Trinity

Notes:

1/3/13

Chapter Text

Three rungs on the handle
Three more at the top
Three twisting twining ruts
That never seem to stop
The body's made of oak
The wood inlaid with stone
To conjure calm and patience
To master on my own
With logic and intelligence
Thrumming through the core
A better wand I've never
Held in my hand before
Three symbols that it stands for
Earth, the first of all
Solid, reliable, confident
Treelike; strong and tall
Water is the second
Representing flow
Fluidity and movement
Help my spells to grow
Air completes the trinity
Soft and fast and free
It sparks my inspiration
Awakens the magic in me
All the sets of trinities
Create a special bond
It brings the magic together
Into the perfect wand.

Chapter 128: The Wandmaker

Notes:

1/3/13

It's missing the last bit of the last line, but if you know her name you'll know how it ends.

Chapter Text

Sitting in her chair
Sipping from her tea
Finishing a wand
Made of elder tree
Warming by a fire
Picking up a book
Loving it at once
With a single look
Crushing up the gemstones
Turning a new wand
Infusing it with magic
Making an unseen bond
Pairing wand with wizard
Sitting down to write
Ink flows through her pen
Into the dark of night
Sleepless hours pass
And still she stays awake
Making each wand stronger
So they will never break
Her eyelids start to close
Soon sleep will take her
Resting is a luxury
When you are a wandmaker
Though she tries to fight it
The night now has lost her
My friend, the sleeping crafter
My darling 

Chapter 129: Warm and Dark

Notes:

11/2/13

Chapter Text

The morning air is warm and dark and thick like an autumn ale
Spiders' webs hang and sway as the sky begins to pale
The wind picks up around midday and goes from warm to cool
Leaves are floating, swirling, falling on the ground to pool
The clouds are dark and thick and deep; threatening to rain
A noise is heard, faint but bright, a scream of fear and pain
My hair stands up on end and dances in the breeze
My eyes scan over what's under the clouds, red and orange trees
I'm breathing in the sweet dark smell of the last October day
My heart speeds up and memories wash my gaze away
I'm lost in love and trees and death as my mind is wiped clean
I'm thankful for this holiday, my favorite: Halloween.

Chapter 130

Notes:

11/3/13

Chapter Text

It works in theory and it works in words (but only those you mean)
It works together, but not apart (or hidden away unseen)
It works when you're here, but when you're not
The time and distance start to rot
It would work much better if you thought
It worked like a well-oiled machine.

Chapter 131: The Key

Notes:

12/13/13

Chapter Text

Before I met you I wasn't broken
I didn't need to be fixed
I was living my life, and you had yours
Until we first had kissed
But ever since that moment
Something inside me has changed
My puzzle spilled out on the floor
But then got rearranged
A hole I didn't know was there
Slowly began to fill
And suddenly I saw the world
A little differently still
It's like you knew a secret
I never knew I had
You were the realization
That was neither good nor bad
Somehow you knew the answer
To the question I never asked
As if in a moment, frozen in time, but
The moment still hasn't passed
I thought love was a fleeting thing,
But months have come and gone
Distance has held us apart, my love,
And we're still holding strong
I was a lock, I didn't know
That you would be my key
But you have filled me up inside
Unlocked, completed me.

Chapter 132: Trees 1

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /613d53fc22e4879d552a8a1b65a0b194/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io1_500.jpg

Chapter Text

Surrounded by moss lying dark on the ground
But over my head the sun can be found
My leaves are a rainbow of colors and shapes
My branches are twisted and gnarled mistakes
Old as I am, I never get tired
Of being the one that has always admired
The sight of the people who come to see me
In all my glory as the most beautiful tree.

Chapter 133: Trees 2

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /943ba1c660553e921b5797e4ea265524/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io7_500.jpg

Chapter Text

A gravel path leads down an aisle
A cathedral of nature, nearly a mile
The gravel is littered with leaves red as blood
The red is so pure it just makes me smile
The leaves on the ground are packed down with mud
Above the dark path the leaves are a flood
Of beautiful color, suspended in air,
Shimmering darkly, like only red could
The trees stand like statues, most of them bare
But for the leaves that are scattered up there
They stand tall and still, forever like stone
Beckoning strangers to come if they dare
I walk along the path alone
Thinking of the sun that shone
Through the leaves to hit the ground
Where gravel once was white as bone.

Chapter 134: Trees 3

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /4e8071f33d4996b5d31b2829f429c578/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io4_1280.jpg

Chapter Text

The storm is coming, it's a beautiful day
Come let us help wash your troubles away
With the beautiful breeze that tickles the rain
Letting it drop, releasing our pain
Look how the rain falls to the ground
Swirling and blowing to land all around
The wind returns and picks up the rain
To let it form a hurricane
The droplets are pink and soft and dry
This rain that falls not from the sky
But from the branches of my friends
The leaves from which their quality lends
A reminiscence of water and air
Of rain that comes down soft and fair.

Chapter 135: Trees 4

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /0b27f2c29e85ec4ee33cac98348334bf/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io2_r1_1280.jpg

Chapter Text

On a cloudy day you could look up at the sky
And see only gray
Where the sun does not shine there is a path
Of twisted trees with yellow leaves
And if you walk this path on a cloudy day
You would see the sun shining
Even though the ground is wet with rain and fallen leaves
And the sky is drizzly gray.

Chapter 136: Trees 5

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /894faa3a8867a8231d2b1785b1b8e8eb/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io8_r2_500.jpg

Chapter Text

Like a sunrise I stand
Gazing at you
With one eye.
My arms are stretching, stretching
Reaching for the air, the clouds, the sun
My hair grows green and thick
Like moss upon a - well...
I creak when I laugh,
The breeze helps me sing
When life gets too heavy I crack
And parts of me fall to the ground
But nobody helps me up
I do not mind;
Sometimes we all need a rest
Once in a while
Although unlike you
I will never be able
To lift myself up
Again.

Chapter 137: Trees 6

Notes:

2/1/14

https://24.media. /10defda81019e613a13fe3be1909d19e/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io3_1280.jpg

Chapter Text

A bottle of bark and tied at the top
Before the branches starts a knot
To hold the trunk and roots in place
And to give the other trees space
Reaching up to touch the sky
Contrasting pink and brown catch the eye
And sunlight shines between the leaves
Between the branches, between the trees.

Chapter 138: Trees 7

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /3bb08026e331f028cf0387ae72860c1f/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io10_1280.jpg

Chapter Text

My skin is white, bleached and drained
Of any color I might have gained
While I was living in hope and fear
My feelings were driven far from here
Long ago, I once was full
Of life and happiness, of dreams and goals
But time has withered me down to this
An unfeeling pole of ignorance, bliss
But now and again my friends and I
Remember what it was like to be alive
Our souls pour out as red as blood
We cry, we laugh, we start to bud
Our feelings that once were part of life
Come flowing out into the night
And when dawn comes the red is there
Reminding us that life is anything but fair.

Chapter 139: Trees 8

Notes:

2/1/14

https://24.media. /02867f95ff3ee30cd91e0cd81c2e479b/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io6_1280.jpg

Chapter Text

My partner is on the other side
Planted, like I was, many years ago
It was always our hope to grow up together
But fate (and gardeners) tore us apart
For years I yearned to touch her again
So when I grew, I bent my arms
As much as I could to reach across
The path that separated us
I longed to be with her, so much
And when I could reach no more
(And neither could she)
We were so close
But I could not feel her
So I let myself weep
And my tears were purple flowers
That reminded me of my love for her
My friends wept with me
And she wept for me
When we were done we opened our eyes
And saw that our tears had done what years of growing could not
And finally we were together again.

Chapter 140: Trees 9

Notes:

2/1/14

https://31.media. /9e1e880168681a739bd304e85c350c81/tumblr_mv6ytsIIIi1rw872io9_500.jpg

Chapter Text

My knights surround me and address me so:
Your Majesty, they say
Standing straight and tall and proud
Never bending, long as day
I stand alone, surrounded by knights
And days and nights and dusks and dawns
But no one else to call my own
The queen to my king, the rook to my pawn
But here I stand, in my kingdom of green
And I sigh as much as I can
Overlooking my knights and land
Imagining myself a man.

Chapter 141: More Than the Stars

Notes:

2/14/14

Chapter Text

When I say
"I love you more than the stars,"
You smile and kiss me
On the nose.
But what you don't know
Is exactly how much
I love them.


Autumn breezes blow the leaves
Dead and dry from the trees
Through the branches I can see the stars
Silver against the black sky
They smile back at me
When I smile knowingly
Like they have told me a joke
Only I would understand


The ice in the bucket
Outside my house
Shimmers with water drops

The stars in the sky
Dive toward the bucket
A shooting star falls and stops

The stars in the bucket
Shine from below
As they glow down from above

The winter is cold
As the snow all around
The stars are as warm as love


In spring the flowers start to bloom
The stars are crystal bright
Cold and distant, far away
Clear and crisp and light
I can admire them from the ground
Solid and stable and still
So different from the galaxy
Where space begins to fill


The summer stars are the ones I love the most
I drive out to the beach at night
The sand fills my shoes as I walk on the shore
Until civilization vanishes from sight
The stars fill my eyes and my mind and my heart
Until they fill up my soul
I lose myself in the stars and the sky
And let them have control


I love the stars because they give me life
Because they are always there
I love them because they give me peace
Like filling my lungs with air
Stars are romance, stars are love
Stars are my friends when I'm alone
They keep my secrets, hear my dreams
They are my only home.

Chapter 142: Fill Up

Notes:

3/24/14

Chapter Text

I'll fill up this paper with letters and words
Just like he fills me with love
He fills up my heart like rain fills a pail
When water drops fall from above
I used to feel empty, a bottomless hole
I never knew how to escape
Each person I met was a key I could try
But I never quite found the right shape
Then he came along and his key fit my heart
Unlocking something within
I never knew how good love could feel
At least not until I met him.

Chapter 143: I Used To

Notes:

3/24/14

Chapter Text

I used to stay up with my phone in my hand
Waiting to hear from you
My eyelids would drop
My fingers would stop
Sometimes I would doze off too

But now in my bed I let my eyes rest
I turn off my phone and put it away
Feeling alone at the end of the day
Waiting for nothing, I guess.

Chapter 144: Angel

Notes:

3/24/14

Chapter Text

He told me "You're beautiful" every day
I don't understand why he felt that way
She carved my name into her arm
A sign of love, a mark of harm
A whispered "I wish" in the night
A kiss, a moment, out of sight
Lingering looks thrown at me
Seeing the things that I couldn't see
"I'll never give up," the one I lost
Seven years is what it cost
Everyone saying these things all the time;
"If she wasn't taken, she would be mine."
"She sounds like an angel whenever she sings."
But I'm not an angel; don't give me wings.

Chapter 145: The World to Me

Notes:

4/22/14

Chapter Text

I can feel your breath on my neck in my dreams
But when I awake you aren't there
I see your smile fade as mine does
Even though your smile is far away
I look at the moon and think
How romantic it is that we share the same moon
But the sun has yet to set where you are.
I wish I could share your moon and your stars
Because you are the world to me.

Chapter 146: Like Forever

Notes:

11/8/14

Chapter Text

Tonight the sky is dark
The stars are covered in black
The moon is glowing inside me
The sun will soon come back
But soon feels like forever
The night goes on and on
My sun and stars are waiting
Since they have been gone

Chapter 147: To the Fullest

Notes:

11/11/14

Chapter Text

Live your life to its fullest and don't be forlorn.
Life isn't worth it if it's all made of scorn.
So smile, be happy, and live for today.
To live in your happiness is just the best way.

Chapter 148: Here With Me

Notes:

12/9/14

Chapter Text

The stars are cold and bright tonight
But you are here with me
Snow is falling, soft and white
And through it I can see
A string of lights, glowing gold
Hazy in the snow
Silence, deep and comforting
Engulfing all we know
I love you, I don't have to say
We don't make a sound
Sitting here and holding hands
Flakes blanket the ground
How long do we stay like this,
In silence and in love?
Time means almost nothing here
When snow falls from above.

Chapter 149: Shake

Notes:

12/9/14

Chapter Text

Shaking out my blanket
Crystals spray and fall
To the ground, they lay
Like glittering dew
Water frozen solid
And solid through the time
They turn rough from fragile
Unyielding and hard
I shake my blanket again
Blood rains on the grass
The red drains from the fabric
And leaves it only blue
I shake and there's a ripple
Like sunlight through glass
Or heat on black pavement
Rain falls from my hands
They slip and almost lose
The grip on sliding water
But soon the blue is gone
And only brown remains
A flourish - one final shake
Dirt flies from my hands
In a very real way
The flecks fly for a moment
And settle on the ground
Back where they belong
My blanket's shaken out
Left with not much color
It's worn out like the earth
It lays upon frequently

Chapter 150: Walking Within

Notes:

3/28/15

Chapter Text

Curled into a shell of flesh
Soft and sweet and warm
A place to hide, for staying safe
A shelter from a storm
When all I think I know is gone
Replaced with fear and dread
When feeling like living feels
As good as feeling dead
And I don't know my mind no more
Or who I thought I was
I start to make excuses
That start with "Well, because..."
I travel to the land of you
Where sand becomes the stone
And everything falls into place
And I am not alone
My ending is the same as yours
My lips against your skin
And we are walking side by side
Walking, still, within.

Chapter 151: Trouble Lurking

Notes:

1/21/16

Dukino's mom, Borderlands 2

Chapter Text

The sun slants through
The bars above the lift
Dirt padded down
From all the times I have walked across it
My cave is light and airy
But the walls are hard and round
I wait, I'm trouble lurking,
For someone to come down
I always love a visitor
They bring my child to me
I grow hungrier every day
And would love to feed
Slashing through the air, my breath
Takes their lives away
But they'll come back, they always do
To fight another day.

Chapter 152: The Question

Notes:

1/21/16

For Ruby and Sapphire.

Chapter Text

I've never had a question
For what I'm meant to do
But suddenly the answer
I never sought is you
You take away my foresight
So I can't look away
Your unpredictability
Is more than I can say
You make me see the colors
I've never seen before
With blue and red together
We're by ourselves no more
Together we are something
We never were above
But down on Earth, we're in control
Here on Earth, we're love.

Chapter 153: Sacrifice

Notes:

1/21/16

Semi-inspired by Borderlands 2

Chapter Text

And I saw the burning fire
Smoldering in the pit
The coals breathed in an
Irregular rhythm
As the wind swirled the sparks
They flew up into the air
And screamed with the dying man
In the pit.
But I heard the wind and
I saw the fire and
The man's face became nothing to me
Nothing but coal and dust
And sacrifice.

Chapter 154: Lootsplosion

Notes:

1/21/16

Borderlands 2

Chapter Text

The first time it happens to you
It seems very strange
That colors fly through the air
And fill you up with
Something.
It's like success and fulfillment
But such an odd completion
And reward for your work
Yet even now that precious treasure
Explodes from the sky
Or the airship
And my eyes try to trick me
Because money is not gold
It's almost, but not quite.

Chapter 155: Crystal Path

Notes:

1/21/16

Dark Souls

Chapter Text

A crystal walkway leads me on
Towards humanity and things long gone
The path so clear I cannot see
The drop that looms ahead of me
From my bag I pull a stone
To crack the path and walk alone
It shatters on the walkway, splits
And breaks off into tiny bits
Or it falls through open air
Showing I should not step there
So one by one I throw the thing
Until its bodies show and bring
A path of glittering rainbow sound
Until my feet reach solid ground
I take the slab and head for home
Not with the path, but with a bone.

Chapter 156: Demons in the Burg

Notes:

1/21/16

Dark Souls

Chapter Text

I rise from the fire and face a new day
Just a few steps and I'm on my way
I talk to my friends and I hear them say
There are demons in the burg.
I dodge all the arrows, that hideous swarm
Put on the armor that still keeps me warm
Sit and decide, should I change my form?
There are demons in the burg.
I walk on the pathway that I know so well
It leads me below and up to the bell
That I have to ring to escape from the hell
Of the demons in the burg.
My journey's not easy - I do it alone
I take a stray soul, I use a cracked bone
I wait 'til my journey leads me back home
Away from the demons
Out of the depths
Constantly one step ahead of death
I run and I roll and still I persist
To keep my humanity through all of this
The hollows and dragons and monsters to purge
And of course from the demons
The demons in the burg.

Chapter 157: Genocide Route

Notes:

1/28/16

Undertale

Chapter Text

It started innocently enough
Surprise encounters that weren't so tough
But more and more I looked inside
And found I didn't want to hide
Who it is I'm meant to be
In the mirror, it's only me
Soon the writing turned to red
When I made sure that they were dead
A single one I didn't miss
I felt it leading up to this
After all my careful plans
I didn't count on fighting Sans
Though it took me quite a while
He died by my hand, and with a smile
I continued on my way
Up until the light of day
Vanished and became the night
I walked around and thought I might
Run into someone who knew my name
I searched all night, but nobody came.

Chapter 158: Cave

Notes:

4/24/16

Chapter Text

Damn it, not again.
I only wanted
To catch my breath -
I’ve been running for so long
And so hard
That my legs feel like
They’ll give out on me
Soon.

But of course as soon as
I look up
(Which I shouldn’t have done
In the first place,
Damn that drop of water)
I see something worse
Than what was chasing me
In the first place.

The water falling from its mouth
Lands again on my head
But because I’m looking up
It lands next to my right eye
And falls down my face
Like a tear.

I wish I could cry,
My lungs are screaming and
My brain is screaming and
Now I’m screaming and
Running again.

I trip over my own feet as I
Run from the cave
I have no plan
Of where I’ll go or
What I’ll do if
It catches me
(Either one)
So I run into the night
And even though I hear
(the breath)
And feel
(hot breath)
I don’t stop running,
It’s too much to take,
But I run
anyway.

Chapter 159: Pebbles

Notes:

11/28/16

Bloodborne

Chapter Text

I sit on the edge of this nightmarish dream
Listening to the baby's cry
I think of the people I tried to save
While the red moon hangs low in the sky;
The child who never made it to us
And her sister who followed soon after
The whore who gave birth and lost all of her hope
And the nun who went mad with her laughter
The old man who just wouldn't listen to me
The woman who thought I was her son
The beast in disguise with glowing red eyes
(I killed him instead, he was done)
So I sit by the doll who loves me
And I think about all of this killing
I throw pebbles off the edge of the hill
The one thing that's left; it's quite thrilling.

Chapter 160: Again

Notes:

4/27/17

Kingdom Hearts

Chapter Text

It's the end of the world again.
I've been here before
And before
We go way back.
The purple stains my hands
And I try not to touch the ground.
I follow the path
Like we've followed before
The same steps get us to the same place
At the end of the world.
Here I am again,
The stained glass world strains my eyes
I wish it would rain.
The mist comes up black and black and
It's the end of the world again.

Chapter 161: 21 Tables

Notes:

3/17/18

Chapter Text

There are 21 tables
One is marked Reserved
The other 20 tables
Sit those who have deserved
To find a space where they can be
Themselves, and so they've come
To sit at 20 tables
But there is only one;
The one I want to sit at
Is where I want to be
Where everyone at that one table
Is expecting me
I want my name up on a chair
Invisible but true
I want the seat to be just mine
Not for them or you
I've waited my entire life
To sit, belong, and laugh
Not just as a volunteer
But part of senior staff.

Chapter 162: The Dragon and the Phoenix

Notes:

3/28/18

Chapter Text

The dragon and the phoenix
Are the best of friends
The dragon loves her phoenix
Whose lifeline has no ends
The phoenix loves her dragon
Who breathes a steady flame
The phoenix tells the dragon
They should play a game
The dragon asks the phoenix
What game should we play?
The phoenix tells the dragon:
Watch me where I lay
Since I am a phoenix,
My time has come to die
But don't you worry, I'll be back
So keep a watchful eye
And when you see my ashes
Settle down again
Breathe a little bit of flame
Close to them, my friend
Your fire will ignite my heart
And bring me back to you
And so that's what the dragon did
So sure enough, it's true
The dragon and the phoenix
Remain the best of friends
Living countless lifetimes
That never have to end.

Chapter 163: For Didi

Notes:

6/3/19

Chapter Text

I love you to the moon
And I can hear the fireworks
Can you hear them too?
They keep me up tonight
I love you to the stars
The light so bright it glimmers
While we are away
I maybe think I might
Sneak beneath the sky
And kiss my love, my darling
And if I get the chance again,
Tomorrow, I just might
Hold you by the lake
The glittering still water
Holds the stars and fire
And makes the moon take flight
I love you in the dark
Where only touch surrounds us
I'll kiss your cheek, your lips
Until the sun's first light
I'll love you for the world
My love, my one and only
I'll be with you again
And it will be all right.

Chapter 164: (From Zimmy to Gamma)

Notes:

7/18/21

Gunnerkrigg

Chapter Text

I love her, I say

And I’m not afraid

We’ve always been together

In the only way that matters

I need her with me

Like the air and the rain

She is a reprieve

From my suffering

I know I don’t deserve her

Don’t deserve happiness

For what I am

And what I’ve done

But still, I love her

I would give up anything

And so I write this poem

I don’t like my poetry to rhyme

So I won’t.



Not this time.

Chapter 165: The Ghost on the Court

Notes:

7/18/21

Chapter Text

There’s a ghost on the court and he’s waving at me

Hanging and swaying just over the ground

I wish I could stay but I’ve places to be

Over my shoulder and under the tree



He hangs there silently, never a sound

Blending right in with the rain and the mist

Each time I pass, he is always around

Seemingly lost or seemingly found



Sometimes I wander the pavement sunkissed

Looking for him alone in the light

I check on the watch alight on my wrist

And see that the daylighting hours he missed



So into the dark and into the night

He will come back around looking for me

The ghost on the court is surely a sight

For safety in friends, and enemies’ fright.

Chapter 166: Stars

Notes:

1/12/22

Chapter Text

The autumn leaves fall into my bucket of stars

Rainy days fill my bucket to the brim

Some stars float to the top

Others sink

The water in my bucket freezes over in the winter

Stars stuck in a constellation

In my bucket

They glitter in the ice

As I pass them by

I don't like the cold

But I do love my stars.

Chapter 167: Raindrops on the Sand

Notes:

3/2/22

Chapter Text

Raindrops on the sand

Landing like flat seagull feet

Leave their imprints next to me

Polka dot dunes crash into the ocean like waves

It stays and stains my ink

Which pools like the tide

And blurs the words

On the page.

Chapter 168: Seagull

Notes:

3/2/22

Chapter Text

I saw a seagull today

His beak tipped with red

Was it blood? I thought

More likely ketchup.

Chapter 169: Wine

Notes:

3/2/22

Chapter Text

A vineyard cemetery stands before me

Rows of rotted tombstones

And columns of crosses

Sleeping grapes draped across wires

Spires of wood

And a church to process the wine

The casks are caskets

Waiting for their corpses

To take time away and take more time

Give them more time

And these cross-less corpses

Will become wine.

Chapter 170: The Tupplwe

Notes:

3/10/22

Chapter Text

The time I met the tupplwe

I will never forget

They took a jiewl and prupped it up

I had to admit

Their flig was near perfection

The fireglass bizzare

The whole ordeal was bright and blue

The nexus not too far

I was tired, lucky I

And with a gonk and ding

I settled in the city

And heard a fearful thing

Around the coal were ashes

They didn't quite belong

I gave a nervous swallow

Something was quite wrong

Then I revealed my scarring scab

To visit with my flesh

'Twas delicate and rough at once

The notion being fresh

The spell the tupplwe chanted

On that fateful day

Never left my mind at all

Until they vogged away.

Chapter 171: Adventure

Notes:

4/19/22

Chapter Text

I traveled to a land called Mynrhta

With my friend Afnel

We boarded on the Dreywaler

And set it out to sail

We viewed a yoet, saw a smec

Which was rast and dly

A syg, a stug, and then a sund

Wakked as we passed by

And then, atop a rock so large

Among the treettles there we saw

Its brilliant eyes were gyinkx

And Afnel said to me:

Lucky us, to see a specimen

Here among the sea

I stared at it until it left

The keaul of our ship

I never had a thought so zyet

But still it wouldn't slip

For when I ventured back to home

My omraq at the door

I fell asleep, as Kuill does

Until I thought no more.

Chapter 172: Down at the Pub

Notes:

5/17/22

Chapter Text

I was down at the pub with me good friend Vorm

He was tellin' a story aloud

'Bout a vly and a rure and a pithy old zod

When he started drawing a crowd

Oh, how he sang about Aruk

Who died with a soab and a xiv

The last words he mumbled were "Kopa the sec,

I was losd for as long as I lived."

With tears in their eyes, the crowd was surprised

By the mact and the fnae that had vug

Tugliks was disy with laughter when Vorm

Told of the sifikx of faug

With a wac and a waok, old Jeoc stepped up

With a story his own for to tell

He gathered up Nivkle and Timvur and Cinnth

And told of his journey to snell

One nyct he did muamp on down to the town

With Khrev and a Zel at his side

A fdit did cofe and an ixian bew

So Jeoc decided to hide

We're all storied out for the end of the night

And it's time for us all to go home

But warning, my friends!

From Jeoc and Vorm:

Make sure that you don't go alone.

Chapter 173: Last Night

Notes:

5/22/22

Chapter Text

Last night I had a dream

That I swallowed the stars and floated

Like a balloon to the sky

Before I reached the deep blue

I caught in a ceiling that wasn't there

Like a pencil thrown

By a student

Bored in class

Chapter 174: Bouquet of Broken Bones

Notes:

6/6/23

Chapter Text

Broken bones lay scattered

Across the forest floor

Fauna, flowers, fungi

Grow within the boar

Off its ribs is sloughing

The meat of many years

Now it's just for maggots

Crawling through its ears

Wolves have eaten all the guts

Coyotes ate the brain

Its blood and sewage washed away

With the summer rain

All that's left is cavernous

For ants to make their homes

Inside the old boar's skeleton:

Bouquet of broken bones.

Chapter 175: Redwoods

Notes:

6/7/23

Chapter Text

Bare feet, pine trees

Open up your mind

Let the sounds of nature in

See what you can find

Deer with antlers, large as time

Birds high in the trees

The sound of running water

The cool chill of the breeze

Dirt and rocks beneath your feet

Squelch them in the mud

The silence of a bird that died

Feathers dried with blood

The sky above, the ground below

See what they can give

This is where I plant my roots

This is where I live.

Chapter 176: Scars

Summary:

Now read it from the bottom up.

Notes:

7/1/23

Chapter Text

I hate my scars

I won't let myself say that

I am enough

I know now:

Through years of pain and anger

I didn't realize it then, but

I can only trust myself

I thought

Maybe things could be different

If I open myself up



No -



Brick by solid brick

The walls I built around me

These walls need to be so hard

I don't believe

I am good enough

It took years to learn

I used to be so angry

And I hate that

My scars are part of me

Chapter 177: Strength

Notes:

7/1/23

Chapter Text

Their hair falls in curtains, framing their face

A dark weeping willow that's fallen from grace

So soft on the outside but hard from within

The fire inside says they'll never give in

Never to trust, nor to receive

They never expect a single reprieve

But live for the life that they'll find one day

To rest and relax, to love and be gay

For now they're content with being alive

They've been through so much, but still they survived

Through trauma, abuse, neglect, and disdain

Anything just to get rid of the pain

Now that they're here, and smiling at me

Finally at peace, and finally free.

Chapter 178: Rhyming Poetry

Notes:

7/1/23

Chapter Text

I like my poetry to rhyme

But I won't. Not this time.

Chapter 179: Love Letter from Sea

Notes:

5/9/24

Chapter Text

I won’t be your anchor

No I won’t drag you down

I can be your captain

Make sure that you don’t drown

I could be your mainsail

The wind beneath your wings

A map that leads to treasure

Gold and diamond rings

I’ll not be your siren

To drag you to the deep

I’ll be the secret whisper

The promises you keep

So sail with me, my darling

And swear we’ll never part

The greatest treasure I have found

Will always be your heart.

Chapter 180: Summer Camp Creatures

Notes:

6/16/24

Chapter Text

Like clockwork the birds start singing at 2am

My cat screams me awake at five

I feed my cat and listen to the birds

And remind myself I’m alive

A bear was spotted this morning at six

But left by the time I was up

I pet a cat today I haven’t seen in a year

And yesterday I met a pup

This squirrel is black with shiny dark fur

He’s eating a nut right outside

The boiler may be broken, I thought it was raccoons

I haven’t found out where they hide

I forgot that chipmunks don’t exist

In the town where I live

I saw one in Michigan and I was reminded

The joy that the fireflies give

The first turtle sighting, it was today

The geese, they flew over the lake

Surrounded by nature and creatures and stars

I’m soaking in all I can take

Sometimes it’s cold and sometimes it’s hot

And sometimes it’s a rainy day

No matter the weather, no matter at all

I’ve always loved it this way.

Chapter 181: Rough Night

Summary:

Some reminiscent-of-8th-grade-me poetry for a shitty night and a shitty day.

Chapter Text

The doctor prescribed me some meds

To shut off the voice in my head

It started off well

But now I'm in hell

And wish I was sleeping instead

 

 

My night was frought with nightmares

So much I couldn't sleep

I screamed in the dream to wake myself up

But my throat nor my voice made a peep

So I stayed there, stuck in my nightmares

With no hope nor a plan to escape

I struggled to breathe and wished for reprieve

Until I came gasping awake

Chapter 182: Grieve

Chapter Text

How am I supposed to grieve
When you keep hanging round?
You cut and slice and hurt and yell
But I can’t make a sound
I'm mute and gagged but more than that
I've lost the will to live
What more do you want from me?
What more can I give?
My blood is red like anyone's
My waxen wings have burned
They drip into my eyes like tears
I guess it's what I've earned
I'm lost without you near me
But hurt when you are here
To leave me with my darkness
And constant thrumming fear
Is the kindest thing, I think
For if you were to stay
I'd suffocate from all the hate
It seems you have to say.

Chapter 183: The Wolf

Chapter Text

Gather round the fire, friends
For stories we must tell
Of a wolf among us
Who hid their fangs so well
We'll dig and share and reminisce
Oh, the times we had!
This isn't someone we will miss
They were always bad
A wolf! A wolf! But no one cried
For well over a year
But what was stopping them, you ask?
Ignorance or fear?
Surely fear the wolf would bite
When all it's ever done
Is love the sheep among them
As if it too was one
Be wary, friends, that wolves may hide
Round any corner of this town
And once we finally find him
He'll be sure to drown.

Chapter Text

I am something you create
Until I'm something not
Your best friend or your enemy
That you leave out to rot
The sweet, sweet smell of flesh decay
Sitting in the sun
Once you've had your way with me
Once you've had your fun
I'm whatever you could want
To torture or abuse
I'm the thing you throw aside
Once I've had my use
I am what you make me
And so from this day on
I will be the villain
Until I am gone.

Chapter 185: Your Voice

Chapter Text

I heard your voice today
As ringing in my head
All the things you'd say to me
And all you left unsaid
Nobody deserves this
I'm here for you, my friend
I saw this and I thought of you
All good things have to end
I wish that you had told me
Or had the decency to say
That you'd never speak to me
From then on, on that day
But now I hear your voices
As ringing in my head
I wish you hadn't left me
But you did, for dead.

Chapter 186: Want From Me

Chapter Text

What is it you want from me?
You got your pound of flesh
And even more, though you don't know
The horrors every morning fresh
I cannot eat, my stomach's steel
I sleep for days on end
For being in a nightmare
Is better than a friend
Who has turned to look away
And block my madness out
My cries and tears and suffering
But you won't hear me shout
I scream until my voice is gone
My vocal cords are ripped to shreds
The screeching wails around me
Are songbirds in my head
I'd drown you out now, if I could
I wish that more than anything
My gut is rot, my chest a cage
The only thing the morning brings
Is a sense of desperation
Hopelessness, despair
Asking what more I could do
Than lay my body bare
For you to touch or pierce or leave
Or will my soul to die
Just tell me what you want from me
I already know why.

Chapter 187: Peace of Mind

Chapter Text

You say it doesn't matter
But let's pretend it does
I want to see this through your eyes
And genuinely, because
Where it is you're coming from
Or just the way you think
I do not understand at all
I cannot form a link
Between the thing you say you want
And what has happened since
Why don't you just hide away
Instead of giving hints
This isn't what you wanted
But how was I to know?
When what you don't want, I pick up
Examine it for show
Maybe there are different people
Living in this world
Maybe it's not black and white
And what you know is curled
Around your little finger
Never to let go
Because you won't look through my eyes
And you will never know
That all I ever tried to be
Was good and kind and fair
You roll your eyes and scoff at me
And thank god I'm not there
Out of sight and out of mind
That's what they always say
I hope you will consider
The things I've said today
If one mistake can cut you off
With no room for to grow
Look there in the mirror
And see what it will show
No faults, no errors, no mistakes
You have ever made?
If so, then I applaud you
And you should never trade
Your morals 'way to someone else
For you have seemed to find
The perfect way to live, my friend
With solid peace of mind.

Chapter 188: I Killed a Man

Chapter Text

I killed a man.

That's what I must have done.
I slashed his throat and threw the knife before I thought to run
I must have laughed while doing it
A big smile on my face
I must be a psychopath
That surely is the case

But then it begs the question
Why were you my friend?
How was it you couldn't see
How this had to end?
If you always hated me
If I was always cruel
Why'd you never speak up?
Or were you just a fool?

Don't tell me you love me
Then turn the other way
When I'm hanging for my crimes
Beneath the noose I sway
Looking at you with dead eyes
Begging you to see
Speak, or ever hold your peace!
What was wrong with me?
Was I never kind to you,
Or held you in my heart?
Did I ever speak so highly
I'd be torn apart?

I killed a man, I killed a man,
I mutter with my final breath
That must be what I had done
To earn this horrid death.

Chapter 189: Your Letters

Chapter Text

A bold choice of words for a liar
Who I can very easily prove wrong
You didn't wipe away your fingerprints
With silver cloth until they were gone
I still have the love letters you wrote me
With a little heart next to your name
I kept all your pictures, your secrets, your wants
Your desires, and even your shame
And still with this knife I don't cut you
For what good would it do me anyway?
I keep it in my drawer of cutlery
And yet you beg me stay away
Whenever have I hurt you? Whenever have I lied?
Whenever did I cause you any harm?
Tell me what I did to deserve your scorn and hate
What I did to cause you such alarm
I've read back through your letters and find there only love
I don't know where it all became so wrong
But I still have your letters, your pictures, and your heart
For anyone who'd like to come along
And ask of me, how could I? How could I be so cruel?
And what could cause me act like this?
When, according to you, I was malicious
And stole each and every single kiss
But here I have the proof that you loved me even so
And gladly I will give it all away
Just to prove I loved you and that's all I ever did
And yet you never wanted me to stay?
Well, read your letters back, my love, and point to me just where
I could have misinterpreted your lust
You gave it freely, so just know
I'll spread them all out if I must.

Chapter 190: One Day

Chapter Text

One day I'll be okay, I think.
I hope.
One day I'll stay up late
Because being awake
Will be better
Than having nightmares.
One day I'll be convinced
That people love me
That I'm a good person
That I'm better off alive
And I won't think about the time
Where everybody lied
Spat hate and vile and vitriol
For no reason other than
Because they thought those things were true
And truth may have perspective
Because I know I'm not those things
They say I am
They say I did
They don't want proof
That I'm offering up in my hands
Palms cupped together
Holding it like fragile water
Cold against my skin
Shall I let it slip through my fingers?
To fall upon the floor
How can I find peace
When they look at me no more?
I'm unstable
Unsteady
As wobbly as glass
Through a thunderstorm of hail
That feels like it may never pass
I hope that one day I'll be fine
I hope I'll be okay
It will not be tonight or next
But just maybe, one day.

Chapter 191: I Hope

Chapter Text

I hope that you and he become best friends
I hope you never think of me again
I hope that all I've ever done for you
Brings you happiness, pure and true
I hope you live the very best
Your life is great, put me to rest
I hope my grave is shallow here
So you don't see me when you're near
Forget about this bag of bones
Where lye makes sure that nothing grows
And if you should once think of me
May they be good memories
Don't leave me flowers on my grave
They'll die and wither - best to save
Your thoughts and joy for somebody
Who you'll love much more than me
Go and live your life, my dear
I'll be at rest right over here.

Chapter 192: Cruel

Chapter Text

What they did to you was cruel
No letter and no grace
Left you out to be alone
And didn’t have the decency
To look you in the face
Eyes downcast, heads turned away
As if you always were
Someone that they hated
And ever had been sure
No trial had they offered
No chance for recompense
Banished all your friends along
With you, it makes no sense
Who was hurt here? What harm was done?
For that you have no answer
"I don't know what I did,
I've told you all I can, sir."
To be excluded, to be framed
As a hateful, spiteful person
In the wake of the good you did
The situation worsens
They gave no closure, no remorse
For a made-up rule
No matter what you may have done
What they did to you was cruel.

Chapter 193: Closure

Chapter Text

Today I'm feeling lonely
And honestly quite sad
I'm missing all the best of friends
I have ever had
They shut me out and scorned me
I don't really know why
No one said or told me
No one said goodbye
Something that I did or said
But I still don't know
I've gone through all my messages
Why'd they think I had to go?
Wasn't the mistake I made
At least, I don't surmise
Still, to leave so suddenly
Came as a surprise
Ready for atonement
I did all I could
I'm not asking for forgiveness
But some closure might be good.

Chapter 194: Copper

Chapter Text

What is it I'm supposed to have done
That's uniquely mine in this mansion of mirrors?
Too afraid to look back at yourself
You close the door and close your eyes
Scared of what you'll see reflected in them
I can only guess, as I don't have a key to that door
You stole it while I was saying that I'm sorry
I didn't even notice
Too focused was I on reflecting on what I had done to wrong you
And ensure that you heard me
When I said that I had always loved you
But intentions don't seem to matter in this house

I've been standing outside, trying to look in
But all the windows are frosted glass
I don't even try to knock
Why would I
When I know I wouldn't be welcome?
The door could open and you could invite me in
Wolf's teeth gleaming as you smiled at me
And I would have to turn away
Tears in my eyes
You didn't even say goodbye
And I never got the chance
To
To

The note I had debated slipping under the door
Crumples in my hand
More apologies that would be left unread
Burned in the fireplace before you even opened it
I suppose you've made up your mind about me
And while I can’t fathom why
I guess I'll have to find some way of living with myself
Out here in the darkness
The unknown
With only my memories of our family
Flitting through my head
Anytime I see a familiar branch
Or your favorite colour

I don't know where I am anymore
I don't know whether it's worth trying to continue on
Copper fills my mouth when I turn my head to look back at the house
The house I helped to build
Copper and fear
Copper and death
Copper and dying words
Copper
And useless musings
That you'll never hear.

Chapter 195: Nothing Helps

Chapter Text

Nothing helps with this pain
Sleep a temporary solution
The worms that rot in my brain
Only cause the pollution
Black clouds of smog
Choked with dust
I only do what I must
Eat and sleep and force myself awake
But I don't want to be
Here

Chapter 196: Shoot Me

Chapter Text

Shoot me in the throat so that I can lose my voice
Shoot me in the head to silence all this noise
Shoot me in the brain so I don't have to think
Shoot me so it's quick and so I don't have to think
Shoot me, I am drowning, water fills my lungs
Shoot me so my final breath will go unsung
Shoot me so I don't have to endure this awful pain
Shoot me and the voices that still fill up my brain
Shoot me and be done with me if you won't tell me why
Shoot me and then leave me to rot beneath the sky.

Chapter 197: The World Burned When I Was Asleep

Chapter Text

The world burned when I was asleep
And when I woke up I could smell no smoke
Nor see the smog in the air
It was a beautiful day, as far as I could tell
And then I heard the sirens.

Chapter Text

I love too much
And that's the start
Of all the problems
With my heart
To love, to lose
To sacrifice
And never know
When they play nice
Just for show
Or just for true
To lie or say
The truth to you
I don't know when
Or if they said
They loved me or
They want me dead
I don't know what
I should believe
The voices shout
And will not leave
They're a choir
And then a mob
Who only louden
When I sob
I love too much
For good or worse
I love too much
And that's my curse.

Chapter Text

The cold down here will numb me
For many years to come
I cannot feel my body
To death it will succumb
Don't reach for me beneath the shallow
Waters of the lake
Search for me no more, as well
Please, no chances take
To look upon my visage
Is something I don't wish
For you or for anyone
Except a passing fish
It's dark down here, down where I rest
Dark and cold and wet
Do not come to look for me
You'd like not what you'd get.

Chapter 200: I Love You

Chapter Text

I love you as often as the tide tries to meet the moon
Helpless and sustained
An age old note that no one can hear anymore
So ingrained is it into the fabric of the earth
That we all take it for granted
But every day I am grateful for you
You keep me alive
The sunlight to a dying plant
Shining through the droplets on the spiderwebs in early morning
You are the music in my heart
That keeps the beat going
The lyrics that are only just words
But we both know
The meaning behind them
Is so much more.

Chapter 201: I Dreamed of You

Chapter Text

I dreamed of you again last night
And not once but twice
We cried upon each other's shoulders
We talked and it was nice
I miss you more than I can say
And would you even listen?
I can't help but think of you
When I am reminiscing
It turns out that out of all
The people I had met
Losing you would be the hardest
Loss I have had yet
So tonight I'll dream of you
Wish we were friends once more
I hope you're doing well, my friend
I miss you to my core.

Chapter 202: Guts

Chapter Text

I pulled out my guts this morning
In a string of blood and rot
Knowing what I would know now
But back then I did not
They were black and dripping
With the hate inside
Replaced the blood within them
With something I can’t hide
The smell was strong and awful
Like death and oil and fear
At my touch they squirmed and writhed
And then it became clear
The hate within these guts of mine
Was never mine at all
But filled with months of worry
From when I had my fall
The hate inside was not from me
But rather ‘twas from you
I’d like to give it back now
Before my guts turn blue
And rot before my very eyes
To dissipate away
I do not want this hate inside
It haunts me to this day
My guts are back inside me now
And still I feel them writhing
The only thing that’s left to do
Is just to keep surviving.

Chapter 203: Balloon

Chapter Text

I guess I have to let you go
But now I’m all alone
I look outside my window
By myself at home
Wondering what I should do
And how I’m going to cope
The string slips through my fingers
That fragile thread of hope
I watch it float away from me
Just like a red balloon
My friends, my inspiration
Here and gone so soon
I wish a hurricane would come
And sweep me all away
So I would not need to live
Like this for one more day
The world sees what it wants to
And when you look at me
I don’t know what you find there
Do you like what you see?
I suppose it’s not for me
To tell you what to do
I wish that you could see how much
I had looked up to you
Now you’ve fallen far from grace
And left me out to dry
I just need to live my life
Until the day I die.

Chapter 204: I Died

Chapter Text

I died.
I guess I must have.
Did you mourn for me?
Did you feel the loss in your heart?
Do you miss me?
Does it matter?

Chapter 205: To Be Loved

Chapter Text

To be loved by you
Is a special thing
To know you think of me when I'm asleep
Drowning in my nightmares of the past
And when I wake
It's to your sweet face
Telling me you love me
And that it'll be okay
And I believe you
What a special thing that is
To be loved
By someone so special.

Chapter 206: This Could Be You

Chapter Text

It's a small town here
You know everyone's name
The history is blurry
But that's part of the game
Just go down to the sewers
And have a look around
There's no one there to see you
Or the kids that drowned
Bodies in the water
Blood on the cement
Many years they've stayed here
The corpses the town's rent
It's a lovely town here
So settle in and stay
You won't want to leave
The town of Derry, Maine.

Chapter 207: Painful all my life

Chapter Text

I will hurt myself
Until the pain from you goes
Painful all my life

Chapter 208: Suicide Note

Chapter Text

Your suicide note got lost in the mail
I never received it, but still you would fail
And live to see another day, so you told to me
I smiled and I nodded but I just couldn't see
What the hell you meant when you said you wrote a letter
When things were getting worse with no signs of getting better
I wonder if it was truly lost or if it could be fate
That I will never read the note that you had grown to hate
You sent it off into the blue and now that it is gone
Your suicide is done and you can finally move on.

Chapter 209: Good Weather for Fall

Chapter Text

It was misting today
And I was missing you
The trees are on fire but they’ll burn out soon
For now it’s nice
Quiet, but nice
Sugar scraped along my teeth
Sweet and sparse and cold
I still don’t feel the joy I had
But the numbness won’t last forever
The pain was sharp and stingy
But lasted only a moment
Forgettable
But there will be no more pain for a while
It’ll be okay
I’ll be okay
Probably.

Chapter 210: Blood and Pus

Chapter Text

I am so sorry they treated you this way
You came to us unable to move
Dripping blood and pus
I hope you're in a better place now.

Chapter 211: Shred

Chapter Text

It came in the mail after all, your suicide note
I knew what it was even before I opened the envelope.
I took it out anyway and felt the words under my fingers
Brittle and raised on the paper from the pen that you held in your shaking hand
The shredder was a few feet away
I never read your suicide note
And now it is so many pieces of confetti
Celebrating that you didn’t go through with it after all.

Chapter Text

Two months until I see you
Two months until I'm done
Two months of working everyday
Through work and pain and fun
Two months more and then I'll be
Free to thrive and grow
Then I might be able
To finally let you go.

Chapter 213: Nothing But Love

Chapter Text

I have nothing but love to give you
No food or shelter have I
Some friendly words as we look at the birds
Fluttering across the sky

To you I am only a stranger
To me you are only a friend
So I'll pass you by with a look and a sigh
Wishing my journey could end

One day I'll sit there beside you
In silence and comfort and calm
I'll reach out a hand and together we'll stand
And side by side we will move on.

Series this work belongs to: