Chapter Text
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Jisung's biggest fear is ending up all alone. To be on his deathbed and no one is there to wish him goodbye. To have no one setting fresh flowers on his grave while talking to his tombstone. To go out of this world feeling not love, but loneliness .
Everyday, he thinks he teeters closer to having to face that fear, and not in the way that he'll win, but in the way that he'll lose.
After countless hours at the local library staring at a computer screen, battling writer’s block as he has been for weeks now, Jisung is beyond ready to get to his boyfriend’s place and crash into his arms.
At the moment, nothing sounds better than a nice, warm embrace to wash away all the stress and negative self-talk, because of course Jisung blames himself for his writer’s block.
It's simple; he's just not good enough.
Carefully pressing in the keycode on the lock of Jackson’s door, a click sounds before Jisung turns the handle clockwise and pushes forward. He goes to announce his arrival but is instantly cut off by the loud, exotic sounds traveling from the cracked bedroom door.
Heart sinking in his chest, blood running cold, Jisung’s stomach twists anxiously, and a sudden need to vomit arises. The feeling is all too familiar, especially with Jackson.
Against his better judgment, Jisung’s feet carry him forward, right up to the door of the bedroom, leaning just enough to catch a glimpse between the small opening of the door. On the bed is Jisung’s boyfriend and a small, petite man hovering above him, bouncing with his head thrown back in pleasure.
The stranger cries out Jackson’s name, and like a punch to the gut, it triggers a gag from Jisung despite how hard he tried to hold it back. The door swings open with Jisung’s involuntary movement as he falls forward, landing on his hands and knees, exposing himself to the two.
It hadn’t registered until now how soaked Jisung’s cheeks are with warm tears, flowing like a broken dam.
“The fuck? Jisung?” Jackson says, barely lifting from his position to look at the fallen man. Jisung’s knees burned against the floor from the collision, his palms suffering the same fate.
The blonde headed intruder quickly rises off of Jackson, scrambling to grab his clothes with a look of panic on his face. Jisung catches another glimpse of their bare ass before immediately averting his gaze, fighting off the vomit that threatens to climb up his throat. He feels so sick.
“Wait, where are you going? We weren’t finished,” Jackson says. Jisung can’t prevent the retching this time, the muscles in his stomach contracting unpleasantly. “Don’t you dare vomit on the floor, Jisung.”
His chest aches with the way it seems like Jackson doesn’t even care that he was caught in the act. He was caught cheating and all he can think about is how his fling is leaving and that Jisung might vomit on his floor.
With his heart pounding and his chest tightening, Jisung slowly forces himself to rise to his feet. He stares daggers at Jackson, his cheeks shiny with the overflow of tears, and shocks himself when he manages to raise his voice and say, “You promised !”
Jisung hears the front door close, presumably behind the unwanted stranger, and watches Jackson nonchalantly picking up his clothes to put them back on.
“You promised you wouldn’t do it again,” Jisung seethes, his face and ears flushed an angry shade of red as his blood starts boiling.
Jackson faces him with a shrug. “Yeah. Well… I didn’t get to finish, so, ya happy?”
Jisung’s jaw slackens, his eyes widening in shock. “Ha– Happy?” he gasps. “In what world would I be happy to find my boyfriend in bed with someone else?”
Jackson brushes past Jisung, walking into the kitchen, a sinister chuckle leaving his lips. “Maybe in a world where you’re just glad that your boyfriend is getting his needs met? After all, this is your fault.”
Jisung stumbles in his steps to follow after him, baffled. “How is your cheating my fault ?!”
Anger lights a flame in Jisung’s chest with the way Jackson is performing like this is a casual conversation, all while Jisung feels like his world is falling apart.
Jackson grabs a mug from the cabinet, pressing the start button on the electric kettle. “Like I said, my needs aren’t being met. You rarely want sex and when we do have sex, you’re so… what’s the right word? Boring.”
Like a knife to the heart, Jackson’s words cut through.
Boring?
Jisung has spent years thinking that something is wrong with him. He could never understand why he rarely gets aroused and has little to no desire to have sex at all. But he tried. He always tried to make sure Jackson was getting what he wanted, what he claimed he needed .
All for him to say it wasn’t enough and that he’s boring ?
A hiccup, and Jisung is going into the bedroom, straight to the drawers that they labeled as his. The tears blur his vision, and his chest shakes with every little sob, but determination pushes him to gather everything he has here.
“What are you doing?” Jackson asks when he steps into the threshold of the room.
Jisung sniffs. “Gathering my things. I’m done .”
A tear falls, clearing his vision, just in time for Jisung to catch the taken aback expression on Jackson’s face. “What?”
With his arms full, Jisung pushes past Jackson, heading for the front door. “I said, I’m done. You don’t get to do this to me anymore. I’m through with it.”
Jackson speeds over to him, stepping in front of him, blocking his path, with an attempt to grab Jisung’s shoulder but he flinches away from the unwelcome contact. “What? You never leave. We always get through this. We’ll– We’ll get through it again, please .”
It’s then that it occurs to Jisung just how many times Jackson has done this to him, how many times he’s betrayed him and Jisung had stayed anyway. No more.
“I’m done,” Jisung repeats firmly. “Please get out of my way.”
Jisung wishes he could feel a sense of justice from the state of shock Jackson seems to be in, but he feels nothing now, not even the pain he felt mere minutes ago. Just numb .
“We can talk about this,” Jackson manages, still blocking Jisung from the door. “It– It won’t happen again. Just– please. ”
“You’re trapping me here. Please move!” Jisung shouts, his voice sharp. Jackson flinches from the sudden rise in the tone of his voice and surprisingly moves out of the way.
“Jisung, please,” Jackson pleads in a voice that sounds broken, but Jisung knows better now, so he ignores him, exiting out the front door without looking back.
It’s when he arrives home, crashing into his bed, that his mind allows him to feel again. His shoulders vibrate with sobs and his pillow becomes damp with tears flooding onto it as he buries his face to muffle his cries.
It hurts. His heart hurts, like it's been crushed with a sledgehammer. His head hurts, like it's overdosing on all the negativity – the self-hating thoughts, the memories he’d love to forget, the painful and inconvenient feelings.
His chest hurts, with the lack of oxygen his cries will allow through. His muscles hurt, from tensing and untensing with every sharp inhale and sob. And his eyelids burn, with how quickly tears build and fall at a pace they can't seem to handle.
Jisung doesn't know how he can go on like this. Jackson felt like the only thing holding him here in Australia. His brother, who he moved here for, had left around a year ago to the exact place Jisung had fled from – South Korea.
And Jisung is afraid. He's afraid that after he thinks things over, he’ll go back to him again. He’ll go back to Jackson and he’ll keep living through this endless loop of never being good enough, never being happy, and he’ll die alone.
He doesn't even think Jackson will leave flowers on his grave.
Turning over to face the ceiling, Jisung sniffs albeit with a struggle with how clogged his nose is from all the crying. He does his best to wipe away all the wetness from his face before he grabs his phone from his pocket and goes to his contacts, his thumb only briefly hovering over his brother's name before he clicks it.
It rings only once before Felix’s freckled face fills the screen.
“Jisung, hey!” He greets with a smile that rivals the sun, but it falls almost as quickly as it appeared. “What's wrong?”
Jisung should've known Felix would notice right away; the very first time they met in person, Jisung was in tears. Felix is familiar with the signs.
But Jisung shakes his head, sniffs again, and lies through his teeth. “Nothing, I just miss you guys,” he says, forcing his best attempt at a genuine smile. “I actually wanted to ask… Does that offer still stand?”
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When Jisung was fifteen years old, he learned that he had a step-brother in Australia after his father had remarried. Jisung and his father didn’t have much of a relationship back then, because of the divorce and the fact that his father decided to move countries away while Jisung stayed with his mother in Korea full time.
But it was Felix who reached out to Jisung, wanting to get to know him, fascinated with the fact that he now had a sibling after years of being an only child. Jisung was stubborn at first, not wanting anything to do with his father’s new life, but Felix was more stubborn, calling and texting him as much as he could to get Jisung to talk to him.
Eventually, Jisung gave in and started responding to his step-brother’s texts and calls, and before he knew it, the two had formed an unbreakable bond. Felix was just good like that, being able to coax Jisung out of his shell while bringing such positivity and sunshine into his life.
It was when Jisung was eighteen that he met him in person for the very first time.
He had arrived at the front doorstep of his fathers home with very little warning and when he rang the doorbell, Felix answered with a look of utter shock on his face before he realized Jisung’s cheeks were flushed red with tears and took him into a hug that Jisung desperately needed.
And then the rest was history.
Airports never fail to give Jisung anxiety. He’s only been on a plane two times and twice as many in an airport, but every single time, he feels anxiousness coursing through his veins. With his mind full of static and the commotion around him filling his ears, Jisung tugs his suitcase behind him as he makes his way to the exits, looking out for Chan and Felix, who both said they’d be here.
Chan is Felix’s boyfriend and Jisung’s friend of three years, the entire reason that Felix moved to Korea, not that Jisung is upset about it. Truthfully, he was at first; afterall, Felix is the reason Jisung had moved to Australia, just for the two of them to decide to move to the place Jisung had just come from.
Jisung couldn’t stay mad at them for long; they’re his best friends and they were always there for him. Besides, they did offer for him to come along with them, and he could have, but they didn’t know he was still seeing Jackson.
“Jisungie!” Jisung hears the familiar deep voice of his brother. From a distance, he spots the long blonde hair of Felix, who’s waving with a sign in his hands that Jisung can’t read yet. Chan stands next to him, a smile equally as big on his face, his usual curly hair is straight and lying flat across his forehead.
Jisung’s feet pick up a faster pace, feeling warmth spread in his chest, happy to see the pair again. Felix shoves the sign into Chan’s chest without much of a warning before he bolts to meet Jisung a quarter of the way, swallowing him into one of his warm, comforting hugs. And just like the very first time, Jisung really needed it.
Jisung tries his best not to break down right then with how nice it feels to be in his arms, melting into him and letting go of his suitcase handle in favor of wrapping his arms around the other. His face is buried in Felix’s neck, squeezing him when he feels another person wrap around him from the back, instantly recognizing Chan’s woodsy cologne.
Despite all the negative feelings still brewing inside, he feels so warm and happy to finally be here with his two best friends. He doesn’t think he can ever let them go far again, even if it means he follows them across the world like a little puppy.
“We’ve missed you,” Felix says into his hair. Jisung feels Chan nuzzle his nose in the back of his neck, causing him to jolt with a small laugh because it tickles him. Chan chuckles as the three of them separate themselves.
Jisung catches a glimpse of the sign Felix was previously holding and promptly bursts out laughing.
It reads, ‘Have you seen this man?’ with a photo of a quokka.
They always had a running joke about Jisung being several different animals with puffy cheeks; the same way they joke about Felix actually being a fairy or elf and Chan being a wolf or a kangaroo.
Jisung really missed them; that was never a lie.
He decides to take the sign to keep, likely going to display it somewhere in his new home.
Home.
It’s weird to think about – being back here, being back home. It makes him nervous because there's a reason why he left in the first place, but he knows now he has Felix and Chan by his side. He’s not alone.
When they’re in the car, Jisung in the back while Chan drives with Felix in the passenger seat, Felix asks, “So, what made you change your mind?”
Jisung tenses at the question; he knew it was coming. After declining the offer to move here with them for an entire year and suddenly he wants to? That just screams that something happened and Jisung knows it. But still, he doesn’t want to tell them about Jackson. He doesn’t want to tell them about how they were right all along .
Schooling his facial expression to seem happier than he feels, he just shrugs. “I missed you guys, and there wasn’t much left for me there anyway.” Not a lie, but definitely not the whole truth.
Chan looks back at Jisung through the rearview mirror and grins at him. “Well, we’re glad you’re here now.”
Jisung smiles at that, his cheeks lifting as he averts his gaze to his feet. As long as he has the two of them, he knows he won’t ever be alone.
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“Welcome to your new home,” Felix announces as he opens the door to an apartment. Jisung stares, eyes wide, stepping through the threshold with his suitcase rolling behind him and his sign in his other arm.
When they offered for Jisung to move here with them, all expenses paid, he didn’t expect that to include his own apartment. If anything, he thought he’d get the guest room in their apartment until he was able to afford one of his own.
Jisung struggles to find his voice, but when he does, he says, “You guys got me an apartment?”
Felix radiates with excitement, his smile as blinding as the sun, and nods. “Yep! We furnished it a little bit for you too – just the necessities.”
Taking in his surroundings, Jisung notices that the mostly open apartment seems to have more than what he considers the necessities.
The living room has a couch, a table, an entertainment stand, and even a TV. Exploring the kitchen, Jisung finds that the cabinets have plenty of cooking equipment, dishes, and silverware. He’s afraid to see what they stored in his bedroom and bathroom because he already feels like he owes them so much.
But Felix takes him by his wrist and drags him to the bedroom anyway, showing off the queen bed, covered with a comforter of his favorite color – red – along with a wooden desk where he can work on his writing.
“I– I thought that I’d– I didn’t think–,” Jisung stutters.
Chan must’ve followed them into the room because he suddenly comes into view, placing a hand on Jisung’s shoulder with a warm smile on his face. “It’s okay. We just thought you might want your own space.”
Felix nods. “We actually live right next door. Our apartments are identical, so they’re not very big.”
Guilt surges through Jisung’s body, his mind assuming the worst. He’s a burden; they didn’t want them in their space; they spent so much money to keep him out.
He shakes the thoughts away, well aware that he’s overthinking it. This is Felix and Chan; they’re not like that. They wouldn’t have practically begged Jisung to move here with them if that were the case.
But he still feels guilty because they went above and beyond for him, especially when he feels like he doesn’t deserve it.
“I can see you overthinking,” Felix says, his deep voice cutting through the silence. His smile softens as he looks at Jisung, reading him like a book. “We wanted to do this. To be honest, this was the plan from the start, so the money was actually just sitting in a savings account just waiting for the day you changed your mind like we hoped you would.”
Warmth spreads through Jisung’s chest, throughout his body, tingles shooting along his skin as he feels the tears building behind his eyes. He really didn’t want to cry today, but Felix and Chan just had to be Felix and Chan .
Jisung had already been on the edge all day anyway, so Felix’s words tip him over, the tears escaping despite Jisung desperately willing them away.
Almost in sync, Felix and Chan coo at him, crowding him into another warm group hug and Jisung just lets go. He allows himself to cry, tears flowing aimlessly from his eyes and soaking whoever’s shirt he’s leaning on at the moment, too upset to think about it.
After a few seconds, he’s guided to sit down on the edge of his new bed, being soothed from both sides while they just allow him to let it all out.
He really needed it.
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Jisung doesn’t know when he dozed off, just that he wakes up with only one person lying next to him and a mouth-watering aroma filling his nose. Groggily, he moves to see who’s next to him and learns that it’s Chan, propped up against the headboard while scrolling through whatever is on his phone. Which means Felix is responsible for the smell flowing into the room from the kitchen.
Chan notices Jisung’s movement, turning his attention to him and smiling softly. “Hi. Feeling better?”
Jisung hums, giving a small nod before he sits himself up in the bed, stretching his arms.
Felix peeks into the room then, leaning in the doorway with only his head and shoulders visible. “You’re awake! I made ramyeon – your favorite. You hungry?”
Throwing the blanket off of his legs, Jisung eagerly gets out of bed, causing the other two to chuckle at his enthusiasm.
“Starving,” Jisung murmurs, following Felix back into the kitchen, the savory scent growing stronger and his stomach growling in response. He watches as Felix retrieves three bowls from one of the cabinets before filling them full of the steaming hot ramyeon.
Jisung carefully accepts a bowl into his hands, carrying it over to the living room to the table, sitting on the floor. Seconds after, the other two join him in the same fashion and Felix sets out some bottles of soju and shot glasses.
Jisung can’t help but wonder just how much his two best friends had invested in him coming here and being completely set. He didn’t bring much with him; just clothes and his laptop, leaving behind everything else he owned, never imagining that they’d go so far to make sure he had everything he needed.
Blowing at the noodles trapped between his chopsticks, Jisung brings them to his mouth. His taste buds immediately scream in joy when he tastes the flavor. Felix must’ve put more practice in cooking in the past year because Jisung doesn’t remember his cooking to be this level of good.
“How’s writing been going?” Chan suddenly asks, breaking the silence, using his chopsticks to gather some of the noodles from his bowl.
Chan and Felix are the only two people that know who Jisung is in the writing world since he uses a pseudonym – J.One. A few years ago, Jisung discovered his love for writing when he started using reading as a coping mechanism – an escape – and sometimes when the stories wouldn’t go the way he pictured in his head, he started creating his own stories and fell in love with writing them.
But he wanted to protect himself from being perceived; he wanted a disconnect from who he is and what he writes, so he came up with a pseudonym and published his works with no evidence that it was him.
“Not great these days,” Jisung answers honestly after swallowing down his food. “Writer’s block is hitting me hard.”
Chan frowns but nods knowingly, fully understanding what it’s like. When Jisung first met Chan, it was in one of their shared writing classes in college. Jisung was studying to be an author while Chan was studying to be a music producer. Like Jisung, Chan ran into many writing blocks when it came to writing songs, so they both understood the struggles of it.
Ultimately, Chan stopped pursuing music production and started studying business and that’s how he ended up in South Korea as a music entertainment CEO with dreams of making a difference in the kpop industry.
Felix, on the other hand, has always wanted to be a baker. Jisung recalls many evenings where he had come home and Felix was covered in residue of whatever he was baking at the time. Felix wanted to open his own bakery and before Chan came into the picture, he had planned to do so in Australia, but since location didn’t really matter, he had no problem carrying his dreams over to Korea so that Chan could follow his, too, without separating from each other.
“How are your careers going?” Jisung questions back, genuinely curious. He acknowledges to himself that he hasn’t been the best at keeping in touch with the couple this past year and as much as he would like to blame it all on Jackson, he knows it’s his own fault for letting his ex-boyfriend monopolize his time.
“The bakery is doing really well. I think the customers really enjoy having the options of Korean and Australian pastries,” Felix answers first, “You should come visit tomorrow morning. I’ll make you an iced americano.”
Jisung grins. “You have me at iced americano. I’ll be there.” Then he turns to Chan. “What about you, hyung?”
Chan coughs, startled. “That’s going to take some getting used to – hearing you call me ‘hyung’,” he says, a bashful smile on his lips. Jisung chuckles at him.
“I still have a habit of calling him ‘Chris’,” Felix admits, giggling.
Chan’s ears turn a dark shade of red. “I don’t mind you calling me by my English name – either of you.”
Felix smirks as he says, “I think he also likes it when I call him ‘hyu–”
“Felix!” Chan cuts him off, his eyes wide and his face flushed and he quickly covers it with his hands. It’s then that Jisung catches on to what Felix meant and he feels his own face heating up.
“ Anyway …” Jisung draws out the word. “Back to my question, how’s the business going?”
Chan looks at him gratefully, presumably for the subject change, and reaches out for his phone lying on the table. “Business is doing really well. In fact, I want to show you some of the songs from our most successful group so far.”
He taps a few times on his phone, pressing the volume button, and upbeat music starts playing. As he continues eating, Jisung listens to the songs play out, bopping his head and dancing to the music, taking in the lyrics.
After the third song ends and Jisung pushes his empty bowl away from him, he says, “They’re really good. Like, I want to look them up and add them to my playlist immediately.”
A proud smile spreads across Chan’s face. “They’re named Tomorrow x Together, they’re actually around your age.”
Out of the corner of his eyes, Jisung can see Felix watching Chan talk with a fond look in his eyes and it warms something inside him. Chan plays a few more songs along with songs from some other groups, the three of them just listening and vibing while they take shots of the yogurt flavored soju.
With the alcohol coursing through his system, Jisung feels a bit more relaxed than he has felt in a while. It feels good to be back in the couple’s presence, no longer isolated to the presence of just one person who didn’t seem to ever really care about him.
Jisung finds himself feeling eternally grateful for the both of them.
˖⁺‧₊˚ ☂ ˚₊‧⁺˖
Standing on the cracked concrete sidewalk, Jisung looks down at his phone screen to confirm he’s at the right place. The wind threads through his hair, tossing it out of place as he stares at the building in front of him.
Felix’s bakery held a large sign on the roof that read ‘Bbokari’s Rainbow Roast’. The building, as colorful as can be, appears to be a decent sized shop connected to one other shop. Directly to the left of it, sharing a wall, is a flower shop – named Jinnie’s Garden – equally as colorful, almost as if they were both designed by the same person.
Entering through the glass door, a bell jingles to announce his arrival and the scent of coffee, sugar, and a hint of chocolate and caramel wafts through the air. Taking in the scenery around him, Jisung notes that the shop is completely empty and the only signs of life is the arguing coming from the back, causing him to freeze in his tracks.
“Jeongin-ah, don't you dare put pot in those brownies!” Felix’s voice rings out, deep yet loud. If Jisung didn’t know Felix – if he were any other customer – that probably would’ve sounded terrifying. But Jisung knows Felix. Felix couldn’t hurt a fly, no matter how angry he got.
Jisung briefly wonders if this is the reason why the shop is empty, his eyebrows lifting partially out of surprise and partially out of curiosity.
“But hyung! Hyunjin-hyung says he does his best art when he's high!” Someone — presumably Jeongin – yells back. Jisung’s curiosity grows and he slowly walks over to the seat at the cafe bar furthest from the register.
“ Please tell me you haven't been making pot brownies in my bakery.” Felix’s voice sounds almost whiney, yet authoritative at the same time.
It's quiet for a moment and Jisung can imagine the look on Felix's face as he goes through the stages of realization that this person was indeed making pot brownies right under his nose and he had no clue.
A few slapping sounds are heard followed by a yelp and a cry.
Jisung suddenly retracts his assumption that Felix couldn’t hurt a fly.
“I'm sorry. I'm sorry! It won't happen again!”
“It better not! Make your love-sick pot brownies at home and leave my bakery out of it.”
Eyebrows raised even higher, Jisung blinks, taken aback. He thinks he can only recall one time that he’s ever seen Felix angry, but this seems different. It’s like he’s angry but in the kindest way, something that he can only see Felix managing to do.
Finally the door to the back swings open and someone steps out – someone who must be Jeongin if he and Felix are the only other two here. Fox-like eyes land on Jisung, the stranger’s face flushed red in what Jisung thinks is humiliation and Jisung suddenly wishes he wasn’t there to make it worse. He shrinks under the attention.
The door pushes open again, Felix stepping out and immediately clocking what the stranger was looking at – him.
“Oh, hey, Jisungie! I didn’t hear you come in!” Felix greets him, flashing his signature blinding smile, a complete one-eighty of the attitude Jisung’s ears had just witnessed.
Jisung just blinks at him, surprise still evident on his face.
Felix grimaces, a crinkle forming at the bridge of his freckled nose. “You heard all that, didn’t you?”
Jisung wordlessly nods.
Felix chuckles. “Ah, don't worry about that. Innie is like the troublesome little brother I never had, but I don't know what I'd do without him.”
Behind Felix, Jeongin – who Jisung correctly assumed he was – looks away but Jisung can still see that his ears are an even darker shade of red and he can’t stop himself from relaxing, releasing a quiet laugh.
And then Jeongin is walking over to them with a welcoming smile. “So, you’re Jisung-ssi, the brother I’ve heard so much about.”
Jisung lets out a nervous laugh, rubbing his hands together underneath the bar – a nervous habit he has. “Only good things, I hope?” And then he deflects – another nervous habit. “All I’ve heard about you is that you like making pot brownies on the clock for someone named Hyunjin.”
Jeongin’s laughs, before Jisung can beat himself up for the comment, and looks at Felix as he says, “Yeah, I like him. He’s going to fit in great.”
Felix grins at the both of them.
“I'm assuming you didn't get up to no good with Felix-hyung's baking equipment back home?” Jeongin adds, turning his attention back to Jisung, and Jisung notes that Jeongin referred to Felix as hyung, meaning that he’s younger than both of them.
Jisung sputters a laugh, “Oh, yeah, maybe just a little bit.”
“You have no idea how many new batches of treats I had to make due to Jisungie’s careless antics,” Felix sighs, rolling his eyes, but there's no bite to it. Many memories of Jisung adding too much or too little of certain ingredients or being clumsy and dumping mixes into the floor crosses his mind, causing him to smile fondly.
The bell of the door rings as a few customers enter the shop, chatting with each other as they line up at the register.
“It was nice meeting you,” Jeongin says kindly before he’s off to take orders.
Eyes shifting and falling on Felix, he finds the other watching Jeongin with a fond look in his eyes before he turns to Jisung. “I’ll make your iced americano. Do you want anything to eat with it?”
“I'll take whichever treat you're most proud of, Lixie,” Jisung answers sweetly. Felix nods and disappears into the back again.
While Felix is gone, Jisung uses the time to reach into the bag hanging on his side, taking out his laptop and setting it out in front of him. Even though writer’s block has been kicking his ass lately, he hopes that being in a new environment will help inspire something. Or maybe he can just channel his emotions from recent events into his writing.
J.One has eight novels published so far and each of them more successful than the previous. And even though this is the hardest block he’s ever had to fight, he knows that every time he’s beaten it, he came out even better than before. He hopes that remains the case this time.
After loading up his laptop, a blank document filling his screen, Felix reappears with his iced americano and a plate of hotteok, setting it out on the countertop next to his laptop for him.
˖⁺‧₊˚ ☂ ˚₊‧⁺˖
Hopelessly juggling between staring at a blank document and scrolling through media for inspiration, Jisung sighs heavily in defeat. His cup now only holds melting ice and his plate is empty of hotteok.
He’s about to give up and close his laptop to go home and dramatically throw himself onto his bed in frustration until the bell above the door rings once more and Jisung hears Felix yelling out. “Minho-hyung!”
The familiar name has Jisung’s blood running cold, his eyes snapping to the door and catching sight of the one person he has feared seeing.
Lee Minho.
Jisung’s heart rate picks up, his stomach twisting, and he’s moving before he can even think about it, sliding out of the seat and sinking beneath the countertop of the bar, hiding away from view.
“Hi, Yongbok-ah,” Jisung hears Minho greet his brother. His voice is as silky smooth as he remembers, only rough after sleep or sickness. Hugging his knees to his chest, Jisung tries to swallow the bile trapped in his throat, trying his best not to make any noise or draw any attention.
Chewing his lip raw, his eyes lock onto the mural that he’s had his back to this whole time, willing his heart to stop racing without much avail. His heartbeat is so loud in his ears, drowning out the voices surrounding him, and the outer part of his vision becomes blurry.
He needs to calm down. If this doesn’t stop, he’s definitely going to draw attention, which is the last thing he wants. Just like how it’s probably the last thing Minho wants, too – to see Jisung. Not after what he did all those years ago.
Static fills his ears, but he still manages to hear mentions of Hyunjin and then a mention of his own name, causing his fear to spike, followed by something like ‘must be in the bathroom’.
Jisung tries to calm himself, tries to think of things to ground him, but his eyes are locked onto the colorful mural, unwilling to leave and his chest hurts with the breaths that his lungs refuse to take.
And suddenly, his view changes into Felix’s worried face and Jisung wonders when he got there. Felix’s mouth is moving but no words are coming out. Fingers brush across his cheeks, making him vaguely aware of how wet they are, another hand taking one of his own and putting it against Felix’s chest.
“Breathe with me. In… Out…” Felix’s voice finally bleeds through. Jisung complies, breathing slowly, in sync with the other until he’s blinking and his hearing returns in full. “There you are.” Felix gives him a reassuring smile. “What happened?”
Jisung chokes on his voice, sniffing. “Mi– Minho-hyung?”
Felix’s eyebrows crease together in confusion. “He’s gone. What about him?”
“That– That was Minho,” Jisung croaks, speaking in English, still in a state of shock. He’s vaguely aware of how little he’s helping to clear up the confusion, but Felix seems to understand anyway, the realization dawning on him.
“Wait– like, the Minho? Childhood best friend Minho?” Felix questions, talking in English too.
Jisung nods slowly, taking his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing it – yet another nervous habit he can never seem to break.
“No way,” Felix chuckles, a little forced, “Minho is such a common name, I didn't even consider that they'd be the same person.”
Swallowing harshly around the dryness in his mouth, Jisung’s eyes lock back onto the painting on the wall. He doesn’t know why he didn’t consider this – running into Minho again. Afterall, he did move back to Seoul, the exact place he had fled from.
“I still don’t know what you two had a falling out over,” Felix points out, his tone gentle.
Jisung shakes his head. “I– I still don’t want to talk about it. Just know… I fucked it up.”
Felix frowns and Jisung knows what he’s thinking – that Jisung has been saying this for years and still won’t tell him, but Jisung can’t. He can’t bring himself to talk about it. And now he knows that Minho and Felix are friends .
He’s even more lost on what to do.
“I know this isn’t a good time to say this, but Minho just invited us out this weekend to meet you and I had told him yes before I knew that he’s the same Minho you talked about before,” Felix tells him with a grimace. “And I know what you’re going to say–”
“I can’t–”
Felix holds up his hand to stop him from talking. “ As I predicted you would. But, I really think you should go. I understand that you’re not feeling so great about it, but there’s only one way to fix things – facing them.”
Jisung frowns deeper, his eyes still watery as he looks at Felix. “Can’t you just– like– talk to him first? Like– hey, you know my brother Jisung is actually the Jisung you know from high school. Would you be okay with seeing him? ”
“I could, but I don’t think it would be the right way to handle this. I think it would be best if you showed up and talked to him yourself.” Felix’s face lifts into a smile. “Besides, I doubt he’s holding a grudge, whatever it is.” He reaches out and pinches Jisung’s cheeks. “Who can stay mad at this face?”
Smiling slightly, Jisung ducks away from Felix’s fingers, albeit feeling completely and utterly defeated. He could try to keep fighting it, but if anyone is more stubborn than he is, it’s Felix.
Felix extends a hand out to Jisung, the look of reassurance still on his face. “Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.”
Taking his hand, Jisung carefully steps out from under the counter and stands straight, following the other into the restroom. The restroom is a small, two-stall restroom with only one sink, but the walls are decorated in the same way the rest of the building is, colorful and full of artwork. Jisung wonders who painted it all because it’s beautiful, intriguing, and just draws you in – perfect for drawing in customers.
As Felix starts dabbing Jisung’s face gently with a wet paper towel, Jisung stares at the door of one of the stalls and curiosity fills his mind. “Who’s Bbokari?” He asks.
Felix hums, follows his eyes to the stall door, and his facial expression morphs from confusion to realization because the name had nothing to do with what Jisung was staring at; he just remembered the name of the cafe and didn’t think to ask about it sooner.
“Bbokari is a character I made based on myself,” Felix answers. He tosses out the paper towel before walking over to one of the art pieces on the wall, pointing directly at a character that appeared to be a yellow chick. “This is Bbokari. A chick based off of me.”
Coming closer, Jisung notices that the character shares the same freckles and his eyes shift to look at the other characters surrounding them.
“Who are all the others?” he questions, glancing around to count them all. He only counts six different characters, including Bbokari.
Felix points to the fox character. “This is FoxI.Ny. He’s based on Jeongin.” He shifts to point at a wolf. “This is Wolf Chan, you can guess who that is.” Felix smirks at him.
Jisung’s interest peaks, realizing that the characters are all inspired from people who are close to Felix.
Pointing to the ferret character, Felix continues, “This one is Jiniret, based on Hyunjin, the owner of the flower shop next door, also one of our friends.”
Jisung briefly recalls the name of the flower shop and Hyunjin being mentioned a few times by Felix and Jeongin.
“And this one.” He points to a pink rabbit with a pig’s nose? “This one is Dwaekki. I’m sure you remember us mentioning Changbin-hyung before, right? From one of our calls?”
Swallowing thickly, Jisung nods. During their year apart, he and the couple didn’t talk a lot, but he does recall them mentioning Changbin on occasions because he was someone that Chan got really close to and would often go to the gym with.
And then Felix’s finger lands on the final character – a white bunny with menacing eyes. He hears Felix sigh, like he dreads saying it, and Jisung’s stomach flips. “And this is Leebit, based on Minho-hyung.”
So, Minho is closer to them than he thought. They weren’t just friends; they’re close friends.
It doesn’t look like this is a problem that he can avoid like he has all these years, and he knows he shouldn’t anyway, because Felix is right – he needs to face this. He made a mistake – a big one – and it's on him to fix it.
Felix turns to face him. “You’re supposed to have one, too, you know?”
Jisung’s head lifts at that, eyes locking onto Felix. “Oh?”
Felix chuckles, the smile returning to his lips. “Yeah. We all designed our own and I wanted to have you added as well, but it was hard to find the time to talk to you about it with everything going on with the both of us.”
Jisung frowns at that, guilt rushing through him because he knows it’s mostly his fault that they didn’t talk very much in the past year.
He wonders what character he would have on the walls of the cafe and where they would stand with the others, what role he would be. If Chan is a wolf, just like they always teased him to be, then Jisung guesses he would probably be a quokka.
“We’ll have to get around to that now that you’re here, but…” Felix hesitates and it causes Jisung’s anxiety to spike again. “Minho-hyung is the one who actually designed the characters and painted them based on our descriptions, with the help of Hyunjin. So, I think we will have to wait until the two of you are on speaking terms again.” Felix grimaces at the mention.
If Jisung could frown any deeper, he would. So many thoughts are speeding through his head. Like, how Minho is far more integrated into their lives than he had originally thought and with every new piece of information, it only seems to grow deeper, making it inevitable that he has to face him, which he already decided he would no matter how terrified he is.
But when did Minho become an artist?
Back when he knew him, Minho didn’t display any interest in drawing or painting. How did he not know about this?
Jisung supposes he lost all right to know Minho the day he fucked it all up.
Following Felix back out of the restroom, his eyes find the mural again, and he wonders if Minho painted that too. It has every color he can think of and briefly wonders if there’s a hidden meaning to it.
˖⁺‧₊˚ ☂ ˚₊‧⁺˖
Felix doesn't bother knocking when he arrives at Jisung's apartment with his makeup box in one hand and a new outfit hanging off the other.
Jisung would be lying if he said he hasn’t been dreading this day. He spent the past few days trying his best to prepare for it, talking himself out of many anxiety attacks and negative thoughts, but it didn’t always work.
“I know you didn't bring much from Australia, so I bought you the perfect outfit for tonight,” Felix says as he passes it to him. Jisung stares at the outfit in his hands and he can already tell it's a little more revealing than he's comfortable with.
He takes it to the bathroom to change and looks himself up and down in the mirror. It's a crop-top, revealing his lower abdomen, and skinny jeans with chains dangling from the belt loops on one side.
On anyone else, Jisung thinks the outfit would look incredibly hot – on himself, not so much.
Sighing exaggeratedly, Jisung leaves the bathroom to find Felix setting out a pair of boots for him, his make up kit spread out on the counter with a chair slightly pulled out, ready for him. He takes a seat on the chair, steadying himself for Felix to start applying the make up.
“As I suspected, it looks really good on you!” Felix cheers, proud of the outfit. Jisung flushes under the attention, a little embarrassed.
Felix begins on his make up, applying it gently. He adds dark eyeshadow to his eyes and a bright shine to his cheeks before applying clear lip gloss to his lips.
“Do you have any soju left?” Felix suddenly asks, taking a step back. “You seem really tense and I know you’re nervous – you know, twin senses and all,” he jokes, “But maybe it would be good to loosen up a little. It might help make this a bit easier for you.”
Nodding his head, Jisung chuckles nervously. “Yeah, I think there’s still another bottle in the fridge.”
And maybe Felix is right; he needs to loosen up a little. He has to do this no matter what and he might as well do it feeling a little more relaxed.
The bottle clinks against the shot glass as Felix sets it down on the counter next to his make up kit and then he pours a shot before passing it off to Jisung to drink.
“You’re going to have to reapply my lip gloss,” Jisung jokes, throwing his head back with the shot, the liquid burning on the way down.
“That’s okay,” Felix laughs. He grabs his hair dryer and gets to work on styling Jisung’s freshly dyed radiant blue hair, parting it down the middle, the bangs resting on his eyebrows. “I’m really excited for you to meet the others.”
Jisung downs two more shots back to back as soon as Felix stops touching his hair. He hears the keypad of his door beeping a few times just before opening and revealing Chan, wearing a gray button up shirt with black jeans. His hair is straightened like it always seems to be these days, resting across his forehead. Felix must've done his make up before showing up at Jisung's because Chan also has dark eye shadow, just like Jisung. He looks incredible.
Chan grins at them. “You two look great! Are you ready to go?”
He walks over to Felix, who’s beaming at him, and tucks a piece of his hair behind his ear.
Like Jisung, Felix is also wearing skinny jeans but instead of a crop-top, it's a black button up. He has glittery eye shadow and gems on either side of the bridge of his nose. Stunning, as always.
Jisung finally nods to Chan’s question when he feels both of their eyes on him. He’s as ready as he can be.
The three of them head out to Chan's car – Chan agreeing to be their designated driver for the night. Jisung sinks into the back seat as the dread becomes heavier, only slightly smoothed out by the soju.
The ride to the club is short. Jisung can't decide if that's a blessing or a curse with how nervous he feels.
“Just a heads up, I'm probably going to get wasted tonight,” Jisung half jokes as they step out of the car.
Chan and Felix exchange a look that Jisung doesn’t know how to feel about, and Felix chuckles. “Don't worry, Sungie. We've got your back.”
Felix links arms with Jisung, Chan walking on the other side of Felix with his hand on the small of his back.
The club is loud – just as loud as Jisung remembers them being.
He hadn't been as much since the other two moved to Korea – didn't have as much of a reason to go without them and Jackson always toyed with the boundaries of their relationship when they would go, so he mostly just avoided them.
The music vibrates beneath his feet and people are clinging to each other, laughing or dancing, some getting a little handsy in the back corners.
Jisung feels Felix tighten his arm around his own and he knows it's a form of reassurance. Felix just knows . He knows Jisung better than Jisung knows himself sometimes. And they can blame it on twin tuition all they want, but Jisung doesn't know how he does it.
He's grateful for the little ray of sunshine.
The three of them approach the area of which Hyunjin had told Felix they'd be via text. Jisung immediately spots the vibrant purple hair on Minho’s head and he thinks he might throw up before he even makes it over there.
Surrounding Minho are a couple of faces he doesn't know yet and Jeongin. On one side of Minho sits a man with dark hair across his forehead and thick arms. On the other side is a man with almost shoulder-length, burgundy hair and a slender figure.
Jeongin sits on the opposite side of the burgundy haired man, staring at him with stars in his eyes. Jisung puts it together then, that he must be Hyunjin and that the other must be Changbin.
Jisung’s eyes fixate on Minho, who's as charming as ever, purple hair parted down the middle with bangs resting just above his eyebrows. Jisung didn't know it was possible for Minho's nose and jaw to appear any more perfect than it had years ago, as if they were sculpted by the gods themselves.
Minho has aged so well in the past 6 years.
Ripping the bandaid off, Jisung is forced into the spotlight when Felix says, “Hey guys! I've brought someone for you to meet. My brother – Jisung!”
Jisung knows Felix did it to get it over with – to help get over the anxiety sooner, but it doesn’t stop the way his heart stops in his chest with all the pairs of eyes now on him.
He forces a smile, tucking his lower lip between his teeth as he lifts his hand in a small wave. His eyes instantly connect with Minho's and he has to try even harder to keep himself from vomiting his lunch all over the floor.
Minho looks livid – just as Jisung had expected – glaring daggers into him while everyone else looks so happy to see him. Jisung wants to curl into himself and hide away.
“I've heard so much about you.” Jisung flinches, startled because he didn't realize that one of the men had stood up and approached him. “I'm Hyunjin!”
Hyunjin wears a warm smile, standing a few inches over Jisung, even prettier up close. Jisung feels intimidated by his beauty.
“Me too. It's nice to meet you,” Jisung murmurs shyly.
Changbin approaches him next, greeting him in the same way. “I'm Changbin. I heard you and Felix are twins, but you look nothing alike.”
“That's because we are twins from different mothers! We've been over this, hyung!” Felix reprimands him.
“So you have the same father? Did he get two women pregnant at the same time?” Changbin asks and Felix smacks his own forehead.
“We've been over this too,” Felix whines. Jisung chuckles albeit nervously. He can still feel Minho's eyes digging into him. “Two sets of parents, born not even a day apart. Technically, we're step brothers but I don't believe in all that. Jisung is my brother through and through.”
Jisung blushes under the fond gaze Felix is giving him. And then everyone is turning towards Minho, waiting for his introduction. Jisung tastes copper in his mouth from biting his lip so harshly.
“This is Minho-hyung,” Hyunjin says, gesturing toward him. “Not really sure why he's suddenly shy now.”
“We've already met,” Minho mutters. His glaring isn't as intense now that all eyes are on him.
“Oh? When? I thought only Innie had met him before us,” Hyunjin pouts, returning to his seat between Minho and Jeongin.
Jisung goes mute. He doesn't know how he's still standing with this many eyes bouncing between him and Minho.
“Oh, they're just old friends from high school,” Felix supplies, always coming to his rescue. Jisung can feel Minho's intense stare again causing him to shudder.
Out of the corner of his eyes, Jisung can see Chan putting two and two together – that this is the Minho that he's mentioned here and there in the past. This is the Minho that he refused to talk about.
Hyunjin gives Minho a questioning look to which Minho just shakes his head and looks away.
Moving on, the other’s begin talking about their daily life while Jisung sits in his seat silently, trying his best not to make eye contact with Minho again, but he can’t shake the feeling of Minho’s gaze burning into his head.
Jisung risks a glance and it proves to be a mistake because he was right, Minho is staring at him like he’s trying to strangle him with his eyes. Jisung’s blood runs cold – colder than it was before – and his breath hitches.
A hand on his knee, squeezing slightly has his attention turning to face his brother who’s giving him a knowing smile before he says, “Let’s go dance!”
Most of the group scrambles to their feet to join and when most of them have walked off, Felix turns to the remaining two with Chan standing behind him. “You two should talk.” And then he’s walking away with Chan following behind him, sending back a small smile.
Jisung wants to be angry about Felix putting him on the spot as much as he has, but he knows he means well – that he just wants what’s best for Jisung, even if he’s a little pushy about it.
Deciding to be brave, he looks up, locking eyes with Minho who happens to already be looking at him with a scowl. “Minho–”
“Don’t,” Minho immediately cuts him off, his voice sharp. “Whatever it is you’re about to say– I don’t want to hear it.”
Jisung swallows harshly around the bile trapped in his throat. “But–”
“No,” Minho snaps firmly, throwing his hand up to stop Jisung from talking. “You’ve had years to talk to me. And now you’re suddenly here, ready?” he scoffs, “No. I hate to break it to you, but I’m not. I don’t care what you have to say for yourself. Keep it to yourself.”
Jisung’s frown deepens, his nausea rushing back to him stronger than before. He resists the urge to vomit all over the table between them.
Minho crosses his arms, leans back. “We’ll be civil in the face of our friends. I’ll stay out of your way; you stay out of mine. That’s the only thing I ask from you.”
Eyes cast back to the floor, Jisung shrinks into himself and nods. Then he’s rising from his seat to rush to the restroom, luckily without running into anyone. The stall door slams open as he pushes through, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet.
As he expected, Minho hates him. And he knows deserves it. He deserves every bit of Minho’s burning gazes, harsh words, and cement walls he’s built around himself.
He did this to himself.