Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Alex/Shane, Stardew Valley, M/M, Hurt/Comfort
Content Warning: Alcoholism, Sickness, Vomiting, Self-Harm, Abuse Mention

Dusty was barking at something. This wasn’t unusual in it of itself- their town was small, their house right next to the only bar in town. Alex dropped the dumbells on his bed and pulled his headphones down around his neck, straining to hear into the quiet. Dusty gave a softer “wuff”, and he swore quietly to himself, heading out into the front. He had only had the dog for a few months- he was a shelter rescue that had come up on a podcast he was listening to, and the dog’s story had moved him in a way few things had. He had picked up the dog in Gramp’s old pickup he couldn’t drive anymore, figuring it was no big deal, but Grandma had read him the riot act when he tried to bring the smelly, fearfully whining pup inside. Alex finally convinced her to allow him to keep him in the old garden plot that grew nothing but empty Joja Cola cans and old boots, and there he had stayed, slowly warming up to the idea of being a pet. Every once in a while, someone would get too close to the fence or startle him, and he would go off- Alex was the only one who could calm him down, and Gramps swore a blue streak in the dog’s direction every time it woke him up.

When he got outside, expecting to see that weird raccoon or someone innocently passing by, he didn’t expect to find Dusty licking the face of someone passed out on the fence. Their jacket had caught on one of the posts, and it was the only thing keeping them from going completely ass-over-teakettle. As it was, they were face-down in the dirt, being licked aggressively by Dusty.

“Shit- you okay?” Alex asked, hauling the person up by their belt and sweater. They were heavy, but Alex was strong, and he managed to wrestle them into a place where they were sitting upright, their back against the fence. Alex wiped dirt off their face and pulled their hood back just as the figure gave a familiar grumble.

“Gerroff me…” he slurred, leaning forward, and on Alex leaned back on his heels.

“Shane, right? You all right, bro?” Alex leaned forward to see if he had hit his head when Shane sighed gustily. The smell of alcohol hit Alex like a running tackle, and he physically recoiled, his father’s angry shouts ringing in his ears. The smell, the dark- Alex could feel the night closing in around him, and his heart started to race.

“Sssorry,” Shane slurred, pulling his knees up around his chin, but knocking himself in the process and slumping to one side. The sudden change in position made him groan, and vomit soon followed. The sudden sickness jerked Alex vividly back into the moment as he stood to avoid the puke, fear and anxiety being replaced with concern.

“Shit, bro, you’re really fucked,” he muttered, mostly to himself, as he covered his nose.

“Don’ eat pepper poppers… and drink,” Shane slurred, seeming a little bit more sober for having thrown up. “S’ what I deserve.”

“Fuck, shut up,” Alex replied reflexively. It was as much as he said to himself a thousand times a day, including reminding himself to hush it. “C’mon. Let’s get you home, man.”

Shane was a regular at the bar, and someone Alex passed a couple times a day- a person didn’t live a small town like Pelican Town most of their life without getting to know everyone eventually. Not to mention, Shane was a former Gridball player at the same school Alex had attended- trophies bearing his name had littered the trophy case, eventually covered by ones bearing his own name. He liked to think of it as his own little competition with someone who would never know his name. Then, when he moved to Pelican Town full-time after he graduated High School, he had finally met Shane and put two and two together. Now, the man served as a grim reminder of What Could Be, what could happen if Alex strayed from his current path- Sports Medicine, ZuZu City, Tunnelers.

He repeated that little mantra as he draped the shorter man’s arm over his shoulders and helped him stumble to his feet. “You’re out with Marine, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied, slurring as he stumbled over the cobblestones. The bar was letting out, and Alex deliberately walked slowly along the path, letting Emily walk herself home. He liked Emily- liked Emily a lot- and the last thing he needed was her to see him with a slobbering drunk like Shane. Even though she had never said as much when they hung out, Emily got sad whenever she reminisced about her ‘regulars’- Pam, Shane, even Clint to some degree. When Emily was safely in the house she shared with Hayley- his ex, he thought with a pang, and grimaced- they trudged on, Alex leading Shane’s unsteady footsteps slowly down the path beside the river. “Y-y’ever drink out on the dock?” Shane asked, head lolling in Alex’s direction. “S’real peaceful. Quiet. Jus’ you an’ the fish. And the birds, at night.” As if they heard themselves being mentioned, an owl hooted in the distance, echoing in the night.

“I don’t drink,” Alex replied, his tone flat but not unkind. He had studied alcoholism in one of his online healthcare courses. It wasn’t something that they could help- it was a disease. Shane nodded, chin ducking into his neck.

“Good. Good. Don’ start. It’ll fuck up your life. Rot all your muscles.” As if to demonstrate his point, Shane squeezed Alex’s bicep, then frowned and furrowed his brow, squeezing again. “Shit, you’re built like a brick shithouse. Wait-“ Shane squinted up at him like he was seeing him for the first time, and maybe he was. “Alex?”

“Yeah, man,” he replied, a little amused. Shane grimaced sheepishly.

“Sorry. Usually it’s- Linus. Or Gus. Or that weird fuckin’- raccoon thing? Sometimes I just wake up at home. I’m sorry, man,” his voice got thick, his hand clutching at Alex’s shoulder. They were next to Marine’s farm now, the cows swishing their tails in their stalls, everything else quiet for the night. Shane sniffed. “I’m sorry. M’- really fucked up.”

“S’okay, man,” Alex soothed, too familiar with drunken apologies. “Let’s get you in bed.”
“Yeah,” Shane agreed quietly, fat tears starting to slide off his cheeks.

Alex prayed to Yoba for patience and quietly got them through the door and into a home that smelled like fresh hay. Shane’s room was past the kitchen, a small space with a shuttered window and a videogame left on the old CRTV, left on the loading screen. The room was littered with empty Joja Cola cans and dirty clothes, and Shane collapsed into bed with a grunt. Idly, Alex saw that Shane had his favorite game loaded- Race-Pacer, an old racing game that he had played when he was a kid. It was simple, nostalgic, but had held up. He watched the loading screen for a few minutes before he turned and went back out to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and setting it on Shane’s dusty bedside. Then, almost as an afterthought, he untied Shane’s shoes, putting them next to the bed.

“Get some sleep,” Alex murmured, pulling the door closed behind him. He couldn’t find a key for the front door, but Marnie was up at odd hours, and he didn’t doubt the house would be unlocked for long. He left as quietly as he had come, and walked home, relishing the fresh air and thinking about his goals- finish Sports Medicine. Zuzu City. Tunnelers.

When the alternative was passing out drunk in Dusty’s pen, it didn’t seem so insurmountable.

Chapter Text

The next day, as Alex was finishing his morning run, he spotted Shane on his way to Joja. He was a little pale, a little green and white around the lips, but otherwise was… well, vertical, at least, if a little worse for wear. When they locked eyes, Shane flushed to his hairline, burrowing himself deeper into his hoodie. Despite the obvious vibes of ‘please leave me alone’ Shane was giving off, Alex stopped, dropping his earbuds out of his ears and letting them hang around his neck. It was late spring, and warm enough during the day, but a chill still hung in the air in the early morning. Despite this, Alex wore an old football training shirt with the sleeves cut off. Cardio always made him hot, anyway.

“Feeling okay today?” He asked, panting a little. Fucking cardio. Shane’s eyes traced over his shoulders, then swallowed, and Alex felt somehow self-conscious. Was he sunburnt? Had sand on his chest, again? He fought the urge to look as Shane spoke.

“Yeah,” he replied, roughly, then cleared his throat. “Yeah. Thanks. But. I hardly know you. You don’t need to talk to me or- check in on me.” He avoided Alex’s eyes, still flushed, and Alex’s lips twitched. He recognized embarrassment when he saw it.

“S’okay, man. I’m training to go pro, but, I’m taking uh- Sports Medicine classes so I can get a scholarship. It’s nerd stuff but it helps, y’know? Especially-“ when I find people passed out in my dog’s kennel, he was about to say, then closed his mouth. Shane, as though sensing what he had been about to say, tucked his chin in and stepped around him, carrying on the rest of the way to JojaMart. Before his brain could catch up, he turned to watch the shorter man go, calling after him- “You should get outside more, man! Get a little tan on your skin! Vitamin E is good for you!”

“Don’t talk to me,” Shane snapped back, not turning to look. Then, almost as an afterthought, “And it’s Vitamin D.”

For Alex, the correction hurt worse than the denial. Ice washed down the back of his neck, making goosebumps rise all over his skin. His father’s voice echoed in his ears- stupid, lazy, dumbass- and he felt himself instinctively curling in, heartbeat starting to pound in his ears.

“Same diff,” he muttered aloud, shaking it off and putting his headset back in, tapping the side to turn the volume up. The industrial beats overshadowed the echoes of his father’s voice, and he set out jogging again, nodding at those he passed but not stopping to talk as he usually did.

“Make good time today?” Grandma asked as he walked through the door, pulling off his earset.

“Yeah- I feel like I’m really getting to the point where I’m maximizing my Vo2 to it’s potential,” he told her, to which she nodded along.

“As long as you’re happy, dear,” she smiled at him over the oven. Fried eggs and some kind of simmering vegetable perfumed the kitchen, and he smiled back, bending over and kissing her papery cheek.

“Leeks for Gramps? You should throw some kale in there as well, good vitamins.”

“I don’t want any vitamins,” an old, reedy voice interrupted from the living room. Grandma pursed her lips in the living room’s direction, then gave him a watery smile.

“He had a rough night,” she confided, and he smiled in return, putting his hands on her shoulders and kissing her cheek again.

“I’ll go get his vitals and see if I can get him to take something,” he replied quietly, to which she nodded gratefully. Alex shook himself off and went into the living room, standing in the doorway for a few moments to let himself adjust. Gramps was an elderly, diminished man, hunched with kyphosis and wheelchair-bound, but echoes and ghosts of the man he had been remained in the set of his jaw, his gnarled hands. He had reared Alex’s father, after all- there had to have been some strength in him to turn out a man like that.

Gramps looked up, a flash of his son in his eyes, but it was soon overtaken by softness. When Alex had first come to live with them, he had found it difficult to look the man in the eye, the resemblance was so strong. Whatever hate he had once harbored was gone now, tempered either by time, exposure or growth. Alex squatted down next to his wheelchair, looking over at the TV. “What’re we watching?”

“Queen of Sauce,” Gramps replied, frowning. “Re-run, again.”

“I think new episodes are on Saturdays,” he replied easily, grabbing the pointedly ignored tray of pills from the TV stand. “You gotta take these, Gramps,” Alex said, loudly enough for Grandma to hear, then bent down lower. “Our usual deal. You take your pills and vitamins, I’ll get you one of those candy bars you like from my private stash upstairs, okay?”

“And horseradish,” he grumped. “I want to rub it on my gums.”

“I don’t- sure. Okay. I’ll see if Pierre’s has any.”

“Jus’ grab some from the dirt, it’s spring, there’s plenty around-“

“Gramps,” Alex warned, eyebrows slightly raised. The older man pursed his lips, then sighed.

“Gimme the damn pills.” Alex grinned and shook the day’s pills into the older man’s hand, then passed him the glass of water and the straw. One accomplished, Gramps waved him away flippantly, making a face. “Make with the candy. If you’re gonna bribe me, it better be good.” Alex nodded solemnly, then went upstairs to his “secret stash”. While they were imported from Zuzu City, and they did have chocolate and candy in them, their macros were designed for athletes, to max protein and vitamins. Alex had started slipping them to Gramps, making sure it was ‘their little secret’- but the more calories the old man could get, the better. Grandma hummed to herself in the kitchen as Alex snuck back into the living room, making a show of coughing to hide the sound of the wrapper unwrapping. The old man’s eyes sparkled at the chocolate and candy covered bar, and Alex grinned. If all the nerd shit meant that he could give Gramps and Grandmaa a better life, then it was worth it.

Chapter Text

Alex ran a different route the next morning- not because he was avoiding Shane, but because he wanted the challenge of running up the mountain path, he lied to himself. Regardless, he found himself passing Shane the next morning as he jogged back home, shirt off and thrown around his shoulders, earbuds in. Shane was walking away from Joja Mart, holding his stomach as he crossed the bridge. Alex slowed to a stop and pulled his earbuds out, but as he was about to call a greeting, Shane stopped, swayed, then fed the fish over the side of the bridge. Alex swore and ran over, letting his earbuds bounce on his shoulders. As he reached Shane, he very gently held the man’s shoulders as he retched and threw up again over the side.

“I’ve got you,” he said reassuringly, more out of reflex than anything. The same hands had held Gramps’ hands and elbows when helping him transfer, had changed diapers and wiped butts and cleaned vomit up. It wasn’t anything new. “You’re good, bro.” Shane, his stomach seemingly clear, slumped over the edge, his cheek resting against the cold stone.

“Jus’ leave me here to die,” he moaned, just a tad overdramatic. Alex rolled his eyes, then grabbed a bottle of water out of his fanny pack and gave it to Shane.

“Don’t drink it, just rinse your mouth out,” he advised. Shane did and spit it back into the river, then pushed off the rock wall, struggling to stand. Alex pulled the shorter man against him, and immediately felt his feverish heat, the shakes that racked his arms and legs.

“Joba, bro, you’re burning up,” he said, feeling Shane’s forehead. It was hot and sweaty despite the chill in the air. Shane’s lips were white and he had a pale tint to his skin that Alex didn’t like.

“‘M fine,” Shane replied, still leaning heavily on the stone bridge. Alex chewed on his lip, then sniffed a few times. He wanted to believe the best of the man, but with his history…

“Shane, have you been drinking today?”

“I don’t before work,” he replied honestly, slumping down against the stone bridge again and letting his cheek rest on the stone. ““Think the pizza I ate was old.”

“Pizza? When did you eat it?”

“Like. Half hour ago. Was in the breakroom fridge.”

“How old was it?” Alex asked. As an answer, Shane retched again and threw up over the side of the bridge. “S’alright bro, I got you,” Alex assured, one hand on Shane’s back. “Sounds like food poisoning. We’ll get you home, get you some fluids, okay?”

“Nngh. I can. Make it,” Shane replied, making a halfhearted effort to rise to his feet. Alex caught him under his arms as he stumbled, then adjusted his weight so his arm was around the smaller man’s waist, fingers in his belt loops to keep him upright.

“I’m thinking we get you over to Harvey’s,” Alex replied, putting Shane’s arm over his shoulders. “You’re pry gonna need fluids.”

“Can’t. Too much gold,” Shane replied, painfully going along with Alex. “Jas needs new shoes.”

“I know Maru, we can get you snuck in and get you some fluids off the record. Besides, doesn’t Joja give you insurance?” At this, Shane barked out a laugh.

“It barely covers my yearly checkup,” he replied, stumbling. “And Jas’s- Jas’s inhaler. Hold.” He pushed away from Alex and got a few stumbling steps away before throwing up in the bushes, going down to his knees. Alex was next to him, kneeling in the wet grass, one hand on his back. When he had finished, and sat back, panting, Alex handed him the bottle of water again.

“It’s better to go in now when you can prevent something from happening, than to go in after it gets bad,” Alex chided gently as he rinsed and spit.

“It’s jus’ food poisoning,” Shane spat in reply, face pale and hands shaking as he set the water bottle down. “I’ll be fine.”

“You’re already dehydrated from when you were sick the other day,” Alex replied, using the same tone he used with Gramps. “Now you’re even worse off. And you probably have a vitamin deficiency from eating solely mystery pizza, pepper poppers and beer. So, we’re gonna go to Harvey’s, even if I end up buying Jas a new pair of shoes. Got it?”

“...fine,” Shane muttered, taking the water bottle and rinsing out his mouth again. They managed to stumble their way over to Harvey’s, and Maru met them at the door, having watched them stumble across the plaza. She helped Alex get Shane into a wheelchair, where he slumped gratefully.

“I think it’s food poisoning on top of dehydration,” Alex said, pushing down the foot pedals and helping Shane find them. “He was super sick two days ago too, probably alcohol poisoning.” Maru sucked through her teeth and brought them both back. Maru had helped him when Alex was taking his CNA classes- without her help, he likely couldn’t have gotten his certification.

“And he probably hasn’t drank any water to help that. We’ll get him some fluids and a tonic for the nausea. Alex, put a shirt on if you’re gonna come back here,” she chided, and Alex grinned sheepishly, pulling his shirt from around his neck and pulling it on. It was likely his imagination, but he thought he saw a flicker of disappointment on Shane’s face before the man groaned and buried his head between his knees. Alex grabbed an emesis bag as Maru wheeled Shane back to the exam bays and beds, barely getting it to Shane’s hand in time before he threw up again. Alex knelt beside him as Maru went to grab Harvey, making sure the bag was tight around his mouth. He mumbled something into the bag once he was done, then spit one more time.

“You done?” Alex asked, and Shane nodded. “Cool. D’ya say something? Need water to rinse your mouth?” He turned to toss the bag away and wash his hands. Shane grumbled.

“You can go- I don’t need you to take care of me.”

“Oh no, I’m not taking care of you,” Alex replied cheerily, snapping on some gloves and returning to Shane’s bedside with a tray. “You’re gonna help me practice. Gimme your arm.”

Shane turned into a t-rex, bringing his elbows and arms in.

“Absolutely fucking not,” he spat, then moaned and clenched at the sudden movement. “No way you’re sticking me.”

“C’mon,” Alex said, gently taking Shane’s arm. Shane let him, breath hitching- probably nerves, he figured- and put it on his lap to steady it, readying the touriniquet and pressing gently on the vein. “I’m good at this. I promise.”

“You said you needed practice,” Shane grumbled as Alex tied on the tourniquet. Alex shrugged.

“I do a lot of IV’s on Gramps. He’s a hard stick, so getting one on you, even dehydrated-“ Shane hissed, and Alex cursed. “Fuck, sorry. Have you drank any water the last 24 hours?”

“There’s water in beer,” Shane mumbled weakly, and Alex shot him a look from below his bangs. “I tried. I just threw it up.” Alex nodded at this, focusing on Shane’s arm. The other man’s pulse hammered under his gloved hands- he must hate needles, he figured. It took a few more minutes and winces before Alex finally made a satisfied grunt.

“Got a good one. Let’s get some fluids in you,” he said as Maru returned.

“Good job,” she commented, looking at the IV and flushing it before hooking up the saline. “I grabbed some anti-nausea stuff too. And a health poti-“

“I can’t afford that,” Shane murmured, waving her away. Her lips twisted, but she acclimated, giving the meds and going back up to the front, leaving the two alone. “‘M sorry,” he said again. “This would be easier if I could afford a health potion.” Alex waved away the excuses, stretching up in his chair.

“S’okay. Everyone needs help sometimes.” Alex came out of his stretch, catching Shane looking where the hem of his shirt had ridden up above his belly button, revealing his abs and the trail of hair that led down to his shorts. Shane gulped and closed his eyes, looking down.

“I don’t want anyone to help me. I should be better than this,” he said, still slumped in the wheelchair. “Worthless piece of shit.”

“Worthless piece of shit,” his father’s voice echoed in his ears, and Alex winced.

“You’re not,” he insisted, firmly. Shane jolted back, but didn’t look up. “You’re not. Everyone has worth. You can’t believe that.” Alex sat up, his back straight. “You can’t just sit around saying that kind of shit to yourself. The longer you say it, the more you believe it.” Shane winced again, looking small, and Alex sighed. “Sorry, man. I get kind of intense about… don’t worry about it. Anyway. Just… give yourself some grace, bro,” Alex said cheerily, reaching over to Shane and gently touching his shoulder. The smaller man cringed away, and Alex pulled back his touch. “I’ll give you a few and come back and check on you,” he continued, standing. “I’ll walk you home when the saline bag’s empty.”

“Okay,” Shane replied, voice small and crumpled. Alex gave a small smile, then turned the lights off in the exam room as he went back up front, giving Shane a few minutes to recuperate.

Chapter Text

“I’m worried about him, Maru,” Alex confided in a low voice once he was back out front. She was running labs, the centrifuge whirring, and she nodded without looking at him.

“People like him, it’s just a matter of time before they crash and burn. It’s something I saw a lot out at my internship in Zuzu- they came in to the ER, drunk, nowhere else to go. We’d treat them, give them all the information that they needed to get better, and they just-” She shrugged. “They didn’t. He’s clean, by the way, no alcohol today, from what this is saying.” She tapped the machine, and Alex huffed a breath.

“I didn’t doubt it. He didn’t seem too bad off, just sick.” Alex gathered a few more things, checking the expiration dates and murmuring them to himself as he organized. Maru nodded, then turned back to Alex, watching him with a calculating eye.

“Why Shane?” she asked, crossing her arms.

“What do you mean?” Alex asked, leaning against the counter, checking the expiration date on a health potion he found gathering dust in the back. “Mind if we use this, it’s almost dead.”

“Yeah, I doubt we’ve inventoried it,” Maru replied, waving her hand. “And I mean, why are you taking care of Shane? He’s the town drunk, him and Pam. He’s probably going to work at Joja til the day he dies. He’s not someone who deserves help, he’s not going to learn-”

“Maru,” Alex cut her off sharply, sharper than he’d ever sounded before. The tone hit his ear wrong, and he winced, setting the potion on the table before putting his palms flat, trying to get himself under control. “Maru,” he tried again, his voice pitched a little higher, a little gentler. “He passed out in Dusty’s pen. I just wanted to make sure he was okay, and he’s still not better from that moment. It’s not about deserving. We help people, don’t we?” He breathed, long and slow, and she nodded, pressing her lips together. Alex swiped the potion off the counter and walked back to the back room, trying to keep his microaggressions together.

Don’t slam the door. Don’t walk too hard or too loud. Don’t hold your shoulders like that, keep them relaxed. Breathe. You are not your father.

Shane was still resting in the wheelchair, his head back, his eyes open in the dim light from the fluorescent outside the exam room. He looked up as Alex came around the corner, holding the potion bottle.

“I can’t afford that,” he said flatly, defeat and resignation in his voice.

“It’s not inventoried,” Alex replied, giving the man a shaky smile. He still heard his father’s voice- his voice- echoing from when he snapped at Maru. He can feel his former confidence wavering, and he knows he needs to get out, to run off the excess energy, to work out until his muscles ache, train til failure. He’s already prepping the rest of his day in his head as he kneels next to Shane, wiping the dust off the top of the bottle. “Maru said they won’t even notice it’s gone, they were gonna throw it out.”

“Just throw me out with it, while they’re at it,” Shane managed to chuckle, and Alex half-smiled in spite of himself, uncorking the bottle and handing it to him. If he can laugh, it means he’s feeling better. Shane managed to get the bottle down, and he leaned back, letting the potion work. His color was already returning, and the fluid bag was close to empty, so Alex sat down next to him, pulling at his shirt so it wouldn’t stick to his chest, the sweat cooling in the clinical cold of the triage room. He listened to Shane’s breathing and tried to orient himself with it, shaking his leg restlessly. Slow down. Breathe. Stop moving your leg. Breathe. Stop white-knuckling your own hands. Breathe.
“You good?” Shane’s voice snapped him out of his own reverie, but he focused on moving slowly, not twitching up and flinching back like he wanted to.

“A’course,” he replied, smiling, in that same softer, higher pitch voice. It sounded false even to his ears. Shane cocked an eyebrow, sitting forward in the wheelchair with a grimace.

“You sure? Do I smell that bad?”

“Don’t get me wrong, bro, you smell fucking horrible,” Alex replied with a smile to show he was messing around. A ghost of what could have been a smile hesitantly passed Shane’s lips, and he looked down, letting his shaggy dark hair fall into his face.

“I’m pretty sure I threw up on this shirt.”

“The hoodie, too,” Alex agreed. “And the pants. Pry would advise laundry and a shower after you get home.”

“Well, that’s the rest of the day, then,” Shane grunted, holding out his arm. “Think we’re done with this.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, welcoming the distraction. He sanitized his hands and waved them quickly to dry them off before putting on gloves, snapping the first pair with a wince before he finally got them on. Shane snorted, and Alex pretended not to notice. “Sorry, this part kind of sucks,” he murmured in apology as he pulled off the tegaderm. Shane gritted his teeth.

“No shit,” he breathed, struggling not to pull Alex's hand against his arm. “Fuck, man.”

“S’okay, almost done,” Alex said, pulling out the IV and putting a cotton ball against the site, quickly wrapping it with a bandage. Shane’s arm was warm against his- finally, getting some strength back- and he noted the man’s pulse was hammering again. “You must really hate needles,” he said, smiling to try to put the man at ease. Shane’s eyes were fixed on Alex’s hand, and he blinked, swallowing and looking up as Alex spoke.

“Oh, no. Not usually.” He leaned back, flushing in the dark as Alex wrapped off the end of the bandage.

“Ready to try standing?” He asked, giving the smaller man his arm. Shane nodded, but stood on his own, only taking the proffered arm after he stumbled.

“M’okay-“ he mumbled, flushing again to his hairline as Alex put both his hands on the man’s shoulders to steady him.

“You sure? It’s okay to say no. We can sit for another few minutes.”

“I said I’m fine,” Shane snapped, twitching his shoulder out of Alex’s hands. Unfortunately, this brought on another stumble, which would have landed him tripping over the wheelchair, had Alex not had his arm out to catch him. He gripped the smaller man tightly, one hand under his arm and snaked around his back, the other going down to his pants, holding him by the belt. Alex lowered him back to the wheelchair, and Shane sat hard, his hands shaking.

“Bro, don’t hurt yourself just to spite me,” Alex rebuked, letting go of Shane’s belt but keeping his hand on Shane’s back.

“I don’t need help,” Shane snapped back, but there was no vitriol in it, just wounded pride. “I do fine on my own.”

“Do you?” Shane’s back felt cold to the touch, and Alex rubbed it unconsciously. “So getting walked home by Linus and that racoon thing, that’s you ‘doing fine on your own’, huh?” Alex huffed, his voice deepening with frustration. Shane flinched away under his hand, and Alex pulled it back as though the flinch had burned. He took a deep breath, putting his hand on his knee. Don’t speak too low. Don’t snap. Don’t make your hand into a fist. No sudden movement. Don’t bounce your knee. He took one more deep breath and tried again, softer. “Look. Sometimes everyone needs a little more than they’ve got. I figure you’d-“ he cut himself off before he said “do the same for me”, because if he was honest with himself, Shane probably wouldn’t have. “Needed some help,” he finished instead, lamely.

“Yeah,” Shane agreed, sighing. “Yeah.” He rose on his own, and Alex fought against his own instincts to reach out to him, to steady him- or just to touch him again, he realized. He shook the unprofessional thought away and rose as Shane stood, holding onto the arm of the wheelchair, testing his balance.

“We good?” Alex asked.

“Think so,” Shane agreed, taking a few steps. “The potion finally kicked in.” Alex nodded towards the door, walking ahead of Shane to open it for him. Maru was behind the counter, typing on her computer, and she looked up as they came out to the lobby.

“Shane, I’ve got this for you,” she said, putting an envelope on the desk. He glowered at it and opened his mouth, but she cut him off. “It’s not a bill, just a note for Joja so they’ll let you use your sick pay. I know they’re assholes about it. Everything else, don’t worry about.” Shane swallowed and flushed to his hairline, avoiding Maru’s eyes. Alex smiled and took the envelope.

“Thanks, Maru, I owe you one,” he schmoozed, and she waved him away.

“Don’t give me that, I didn’t even do any work,” she chided. “Now get outta here before Harvey comes downstairs.” Alex smiled again and walked out behind Shane into the blinding spring sunlight.

“I’ve got it from here,” he grumped, holding out his hand for the note. Alex shook his head and went to put it in a pocket, only to realize he had none on his jogging shorts.

“Nope,” he said, popping the ‘p’. “Gotta make sure this letter gets to your place safe, bro.” He looked Shane up and down as though in afterthought. “I guess I’ll walk with you too, since we’re going the same direction.”

Shane snorted and shoved his hands in his pockets, walking resignedly beside Alex, who grinned in victory and strode alongside him.

Chapter Text

“Let me know if you feel sick again, bro. It’s not a big deal, especially after that food poisoning and re-hydration.” Alex said, bouncing on the balls of his feet in the sunshine. While he was still a little worried about Shane, he did have to admit, his color was back. While there was certainly not a “skip in his step”, he was a far cry beyond puking over the bridge this morning, and Alex feels a lot better about his charge. Shane, almost as if he could read his thoughts, chuffed.

“I’ll get right on that.” The sarcasm was thickly laid, but Alex chose to ignore it. They walked through the main town square, passing Hayley out with her camera. Alex gave her a polite wave, but she only wrinkled her nose at Shane as they passed. He shrugged further into his hoodie, and Alex felt a pang of protectiveness over him. Everyone got sick, it wasn’t his- well, this specific time it was his fault. And many others. As he was pondering this, Shane went still beside him. “Crap,” he said, his tone gravelly. “I torgot it was Wednesday.”

As Alex was about to ask the relevance of the day, Penny’s sweet but quiet voice carried over to them from the riverfront, followed by the giggles of the town’s kids, Vincent and Jas. Shane moved quickly to hide behind Emily and Hayley’s house, Alex folllwing suit, keeping his hand out to ensure Shane didn’t fall with the sudden movement. When he caught up, Shane was pale and panting- a little shaky, but otherwise fine.

“We can take the little pathway down the side of Emily’s, she won’t mind,” Alex soothed, putting his hand on Shane’s shoulder unconsciously. “Don’t want her to get freaked out?”

“She’s seen me like this more than she should,” Shane replied, his voice cracking. “I don’t want her thinking I’m fucked up at work.”

“Just-“ Alex stopped himself, remembering back to his own childhood. Smelling the whiskey on his father’s breath, thinking that his old man had drank poison that had made him sick. “Jas wouldn’t-“

“She understands,” Shane gritted out, cutting him off and pulling his shoulder away from Alex’s hand. “She’s seen me drunk enough times. She knows what it means.”

Alex let his hand drop away, looking down at Shane, who refused to meet his eyes. The silence drew out, only broken by the kid’s voices as they got further away, going towards the library. The tension built in Shane’s shoulders, and Alex licked his lips, trying to figure out how to phrase what he wanted to say. As he opened his mouth, Shane pushed off the wall.

“C’mon. If you insist on walking me…” he let his voice trail off as they took the path down the side of Emily’s house, then walked down the path towards Marnie’s. Shane’s eyes were still downcast, focused on absolutely nothing; Alex could feel his mind reeling behind his blank stare. He wanted to say something, anything, but he was drawing a blank. Finally, he blurted out-

“My old man was a drunk, and- I turned out okay.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he winced. “I didn’t mean- that’s not-“

“Well, our old men were drunks too, and look how we turned out,” Shane replied, his tone bitter and acerbic. “I’m a fucking barely-functional alcoholic, and Jenna’s-“ he cut himself off and stopped so suddenly, Alex thought for a moment he bit his tongue. After a moment, he shook his head and kept walking. Alex followed, muscling down his curiosity until they were at Marnie’s door.

“You walked me here. Gimme the note,” Shane spat, holding out his hand. Alex passed it to him wordlessly, then muscled past him into the house, ignoring his sputters of protest

“I’m gonna get your laundry going, bro. We’re full service here.” He passed the kitchen and went into Shane’s room, his nails making half-moon crescents in his hand. Breathe. Don’t pitch your voice too low. Don’t stamp. Don’t shout. He blinked through the edges of rage creeping into his vision and started picking up the dirty clothes on Shane’s floor, throwing them into a mostly-empty hamper he found. “Take off what you’re wearing, I’ll throw that in while you shower.” He put the basket down in front of Shane, who stood grinding his teeth in the doorway, knuckles white.

“Get the fuck out of my room,” he growled. “This is a massive invasion of privacy, you’re fucking trespassing-“

“I respect that this is your space, however, as I got to carry your drunk ass into it, I decline to respect your fuckin’ opinion, bro,” Alex rebutted, stripping the sheets off of Shane’s bed, trying not to make a face at the state of his mattress. “Strip, clothes in the laundry basket, then shower,” he emphasized, turning and putting the sheets on top of the basket, then staring down at Shane with his arms on his hips. The smaller man glared up at him, seething, then all but tore off his hoodie and shirt, throwing them into the basket with violence that would have made Alex startle, had he not been ready for it. When Shane saw he got no reaction from Alex, he went red in the face.

“Why the FUCK won’t you LEAVE ME ALONE?!” He shouted, stepping towards Alex and kicking the laundry basket aside. Alex caught his forearms before he could advance further, catching him in a classic Gridball lockup. Shane seethed, glaring at the taller man, who gritted his teeth in response.

“I don’t want you to keep getting sick,” Alex replied. Keep your tone light. Breathe. Don’t squeeze him too hard, just restrain him so he doesn’t hurt himself. Don’t shout. Don’t speak aggressively. Shane writhed in his hold.

“And what if I want to be sick, hm? What then, ‘great caretaker’?”

“You don’t want that,” Alex grated out, his tone dropping. His mantras fell away, and red started creeping into his vision as Shane continued to rant.

“What if I don’t want to ‘get better’? What if I WANT to drink myself to death?!”

“You don’t mean that, you’d leave Jas-“

“Jas would be better off without me!” He broke free of Alex’s hold and charged into him, trying to push him off balance, but it was like trying to shove a concrete wall. Alex wrapped his arms around him and lifted, stopping his momentum completely. As Shane writhed in his grip, trying to find purchase, Alex snaked a hand around the back of his neck, grabbing his hair and pulling his head back as he slammed his back into the wall

“You don’t say that shit,” he hissed, all his mantras forgotten. Shane went shock-still, panting hard as Alex’s voice deepened. “You don’t ever say that shit. Not to me.”

“It’s true, though,” Shane replied weakly, the fight gone out of him. “Marnie would be better to raise her. Jenna couldn’t do it, I can’t do it-“

“If you go, then Jas spends her whole life wondering why nobody wanted her,” Alex growled, eyes boring directly into Shane’s, not giving him an out. “Be better. If not for yourself, then for her.” With that last, he released Shane, letting him drop the inch to the floor before picking up the laundry basket. “Shower. Now.”

“Yessir,” Shane managed, eliciting an eyeroll from Alex before he stomped down the hall, throwing doors open until he found a laundry room, where he threw down the basket and clutched the edge of a counter, breathing hard, eyes closed.

What. The fuck. Just happened.

Chapter Text

What. The fuck. Just happened.

The water ran over Shane’s head and face, touching the spot where Alex’s fingers had dug into his hair, pulling him back with an aching sting he could still feel in his neck. He palmed the skin, remembering how tightly Alex had held him- then banishing those thoughts and imaging rinsing them down the drain.

He did have to admit. The shower felt good.

His shower habits had been… infrequent, at best, he had to admit, judging by the age and fullness of his 2-in-1. Most days were spent at work, waiting until he could get off, then drinking til he got to that numb plateau, after which he stumbled home, played some videogames or passed out, to wake up and do it again. Sundays, his days off, were spent on that numb plateau, drinking enough to keep him there and playing videogames until he could go to the bar and drink with other people around. Because it wasn’t sad if it was at the Stardrop, right? Because then he was being ‘social’.

Yoba, he was fucking pathetic.

He angrily massaged the lather into his scalp and down his body, choosing not to catalogue the fat that was once muscle, closing his eyes as he scrubbed. His life was bad enough without the body dysphoria added in. He had read somewhere that taking showers with the lights off was an option, but one bad slip and a three-week bruise had ended that, and now he just closed his eyes. It still didn’t help, though. He knew what was underneath his hands.

He was just rinsing the last of the suds from his body when the water sputtered, the pipes in the walls rattling, then came back a shade colder. He knew it would get colder the longer he stayed in, so he finished up and stepped out, avoiding looking at the mirror. He wrapped his towel around his wasit, realizing he had left all his clothes outside the door to appease Alex. Stupid, busybody Alex, who had a savior complex and nothing better to do than to use him as a “fun project”. Just like Emily had. Just like Maru had.

He shook his head. Clothes. He had some clean ones in his room, probably- in the way, way back of his closet. Maybe. Probably.

Figuring Alex was still in the laundry room, he plodded back to his room, wet feet slapping on the hardwood, broken every few steps by bits of straw. He understood the logic behind keeping the hay inside- nice warm air, dehumidifying- but he hated how messy it made everything, how bits of hay crept into all his clothes, his shoes, his hair. He loved his chickens, loved them almost as much as he loved Jas, but he didn’t want to live like one. He got to his room and hit the light, a few times, before he remembered that the bulb had burnt out a few days- weeks? Maybe?- ago, and he hadn’t bothered to replace it. All the light did was hurt his eyes, anyway. He clucked his tongue and decided to dig through the closet, going mostly by feel, grabbing out an old t-shirt and sweatpants.

“How longer does your washer usually take?” Alex’s voice came from the doorway, and Shane muttered a curse. He had been holding out a fool’s hope that the man had left.

“About forty minutes,” he replied, dropping the towel and pulling on the sweatpants mechanically.

“Aright. I can hang to get it moved over.” His voice was closer, in the doorway, and Shane curled his lip in digust.

“I can do my own fuckin’ laundry,” he retorted, pulling on the shirt and turning. Alex was lounging in the doorway, one hand idly leaning on the doorframe to prop himself up. He was built and tan, all muscle lines and clean sweat, the bulge of his pecs pressing against the tight athletic shirt. The running shorts he wore left little to the imagination, stopping just shy of the hem of his shirt, revealing a tight, muscular vee framing his lower abs. Shane gulped and narrowed his eyes, focusing all his hate outward, willing the beautiful boy to leave. Alex quirked an eyebrow in response.

“Can you? I don’t see any evidence of it.” He spread an arm out to indicate Shane’s untidy room, and Shane’s frown deepened.

“I can- I will change it. I promise.” His voice got softer. At that he paused, lapsing into quiet broken by the low of a cow outside. “I’m…sorry. About what I said.”

“Yeah,” Alex chuffed, deflating in the doorway. “I’m sorry too. I got a little… intense. I-“ he cut himself off, rubbing his upper arm self-consciously. Shane wanted him to stop, but he couldn’t help but trace the muscles of Alex’s bicep with his eyes as Alex traced it with his fingers. “My old man had… anger issues. I guess. And I feel like I probably got them too. So. I work pretty hard to try to, y’know, not get mad.”

“Yeah, I- I know you’re just trying to help, I just-“ Shane huffed out a breath, throwing his towel up over the closet door to dry. As he raised his arms, he heard Alex stifle a gasp.

“Bro, what happened…”

A cold feeling swooshed up the back of Shane’s neck and started to prickle in his forehead. He started to feel numb and nauseous. The sick feeling washed down his throat and chest, lighting his skin up with nerves and cold as he realized his mistake. A jacket. He needed a cover. He tried to grab the towel down, but Alex was faster, and backed him up against the wall again. Alex’s eyes bored into his, and Shane fought back the urge to lower his forehead, just a little, to bump against the man’s nose, his cheek. This close, he smelled like sunshine and clean sweat, like laundry detergent and something else, something uniquely Alex. He breathed deep, telling himself that it was to keep from getting nauseous, not to get Alex into his body, to memorize the smell of him.

Gently, Alex reached down and took Shane’s left wrist, raising it up between them. He had done the IV in Shane’s right arm, a purposeful choice on Shane’s part. Because he was right handed.

Because he didn’t want Alex to see his left arm.

The taller man’s gentle gaze focused downward, but Shane didn’t follow his eyes down- he knew what his arm looked like. Instead, he watched as Alex’s eyes widened, tracing the criss-crossed lines of scar tissue that overlapped on the pale flesh of Shane’s inner arm. Most were small, superficial, quick horizontal slashes- underneath were long, angry strikes that ran vertical. Those were older, deeper, and still bore the marks of the clumsy stitches the attending had frantically made in an attempt to staunch the flow after Shane had fought the nurses to take the tourniquet off.

“I don’t want to talk about this,” he murmured, voice a whispering croak. Alex’s thumb traced the long, vertical line, and he shuddered.

“Yoba’s sake, Shane,” Alex replied, hoarsely. Shane wanted to pull his arm away, but the hidden part of himself he didn’t like to admit existed relished in the contact, in being seen. Touch me. Hold me. See me, the hidden part begged. He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and closed his eyes against the contact, against the judgement.

“It was a long time ago,” he said, a little floaty behind the eyes. “I don’t- Alex, I’m so tired. Please don’t make me-“

“I won’t. Fuck, I’m sorry-“ the taller man broke the contact, and Shane was almost sorry to lose his warm grasp on his arm. “I came in to apologize, and I-“ he ran his hand through his hair, then seemingly before he could talk himself out of it, his arms circled Shane and pulled him in, close.

Warmth. Laundry detergent and clean sweat with the tang of deodrant, spiceberry-scented. Shane’s left arm was pinned against Alex’s chest- his other was frozen at his side. His eyes closed. For a moment, for a moment that he hated himself for, he let himself be held.

As soon as the hug had started, it ended.

“Fuck, bro,” Alex said, gravelly, stepping back. “I don’t- you won’t, if I go- I mean, fuck that sounds bad-“

“I won’t,” Shane replied. He knew exactly what Alex was asking. “I’m just staying up long enough to turn my laundry over and then I’m sleeping. Just…” stay. Please stay.

“Do you want me to stay?” Alex asked, mimicking the hopeful flutter in Shane’s belly. He shook his head.

“No. I’m- I’m tired, Alex,” he lied, pulling his arm in and busying himself in looking for a clean sweater to pull on. “You’ve done enough.” He could feel, more than see, the flinch that his bitter tone inspired, and he hated himself for it. But it was better this way. He pulled on an old, old sweater from a Moon Jellies Festival several years ago and turned to look at Alex, schooling his own features into a careful mask of indifference. Fuck, there was so much guilt in the other man’s eyes, guilt and- hope. Ugh. Shane swallowed down his own glimmer of peace and nodded towards his door. “Thank you for walking me home. And the- IV.”

“And the laundry,” Alex sassed, covering up his hurt with a barb.

“And the laundry,” Shane acquiested. “You know where the door is.” He turned away from Alex and busied himself with tossing old cans into a trash bag, definitely because it needed to be done and not because he wanted to watch Alex go.

Because if he turned and watched Alex leave, there was a chance that his mask would slip, and Alex would see the longing on Shane’s face. And if he saw it, he’d know Shane was gay.

And there was no way Shane could let anyone know. Never again. He couldn’t watch Alex start to think about every time he had been kind to Shane, touched him, was close to him, and wonder if Shane had been turned on by the contact. He couldn’t watch Alex’s face turn to disgust. There was no way he’d be able to take it.

As soon as he heard the door slam, he dropped the bag of cans and stumbled to his bed, curling up on the edge, pulling his arm in against his chest, close.

Fuck the laundry. He curled up on his bare bed, cradling his left wrist until he fell asleep.

Chapter Text

Alex was still reeling as he walked the hard-beat path along the river back to town. Usually, he’d go through the empty lot, but he had seen evidence that someone was trying to refurbish it- rocks being broken down, a stranger at Pierre’s. He had enough new strangeness in his life without meeting a new farmer.

Shane’s wrist. The collage of new scars over old, small over the long, vertical slashes. He had had friends in high school that had done the same- when he confronted them about it, they said that it made them “feel better”. He had scoffed and said they should work out instead, train til failure, run until they were throwing up. They had looked at him strangely then, and asked if everything was okay at home, if he wanted to talk to someone about it.

He hadn’t understood it then; hadn’t even pieced together the different methods one could self-harm until he took an abnormal psychology class in college. He had even gone so far as to listen and memorize the recording of different methods folks could self-harm- restricting or binge eating, self-mutilation, drug and alcohol abuse, and over-exertion or excessive exercise. Alex remembered the day well- he had trained arms that day, and he could barely lift his hands, let alone hold the pencil. The proctor reading the questions aloud for him paused to let him circle all the correct answers- in this case, all of them, the ones where it was “circle all correct” were usually all of them- and when he circled “over-exertion or excessive exercise”, he said “oh”, out loud. His shoulders started shaking, his hands following suit, and the page, already nigh illegible thanks to his dyslexia, became even more blurred. Thankfully, it was the last question, and the proctor attributed it to stress more than anything, excusing him even as he grabbed his backpack and fled.

He was pulled from his reverie by Penny’s quiet, yet insistent, tone, begging Vincent to come down out of a tree. Somehow, the young boy had managed to shimmy up the large tree next to Harvey’s in the center of town, and was crowing about how he could see “everything” from how high up he was. As Alex was about to step in and help- he was a fair bit taller than Penny, and could probably reach Vincent- a small voice interrupted him.

“You’re Alex,” Jas said, making it a statement rather than a question.

“You’re Jas,” Alex answered, squatting down. In a place like Pelican town, everybody knew everybody- it was the inevitability of living here. Alex still sometimes felt like an outsider because he refused to go into the Stardrop Saloon- too many smells, too many drinks. Too loud. Jas nodded to Alex’s returned statement like it was a perfectly normal way to begin a conversation.

“You- you walked Shane home today,” she stated again, rocking back on the heels of her shoes. “I saw. He was trying to be sneaky but I saw you.” She nodded, and Alex nodded and smiled back, even as his chest got tight.

“Yeah, your daddy was just feeling sick at work, and I walked him home,” he said cheerily. She stopped rocking and shot him a look.

“Shane’s not my daddy,” she scoffed. “He’s my, uh, my Goddaddy. Because he was friends with my REAL daddy and mommy but they died.” She stated the last with another rock back and forth, all the bluntness driving her words into Alex’s heart like thorns. He shook his head.

“I’m sorry. But yes, your- uh, Shane- was sick and didn’t want you to know.”

“Oh.” She stopped rocking for a second and scrunched her face up. “Was he real-sick or beer-sick?”

“Real-sick,” Alex replied, trying to ignore the ice sliding down his spine. “He ate bad pizza at work and threw up a whole bunch.”

Jas’s face scrunched again in disgust. “That’s gross. But when he, when he gets beer-sick, he throws up a bunch too. And then he cries.” She glanced over at Penny, then back at Alex, her face getting red. “I’m not supposed to talk about that though. Miss Penny says it’s rude to tell on grown-ups about when they get sick. But, but you’re Shane’s friend. So it’s okay.” She clasped her hands in front of her, suddenly distracted with moving a pebble back and forth with her feet. Alex’s chest warmed.

“Yeah, I am his friend. And it’s okay to tell me when he gets sick, because I’m a CNA, do you know what that means?” Jas shook her head, still moving the rock, and Alex continued. “It’s like a nurse’s helper. Well, and I’m licensed on IV therapy because of Gramps, but I’m doing classes to become a nurse- nevermind,” he amended brightly when he saw Jas’s face go blank with confusion. “It means I want to help people when they get sick. Any kind of sick,” he clarified when he saw the question in Jas’s eyes. She nodded thoughtfully at this, then passed the rock with her foot over to Alex. He stood and passed the rock back, adding a little bit of flair, making her giggle.

Penny gave up and turned around, flinging her hands up in exasperation. When she saw Alex, she went red with embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, usually he’s so good, I know it’s up high,” she started, wringing her hands. Alex smiled back, trying to reassure her.

“It’s okay, I’m not gonna tell his mom or nothin’,” he joked. Penny paled a little, and Alex winced internally. “Do you want me to try?” He asked instead, pointing up at the tree, where Vincent was still sequestered. Penny huffed, her hands on her hips.

“You might as well. He’s not budging for me. Being very disobedient,” she said a little louder, to which Vincent’s face disappeared into the early spring leaves. Alex passed the rock back to Jas and nodded at her. She nodded back, as though they were in on some kind of secret together. Then, Alex turned and, with a running start, went straight up the tree.

“Wow! That was fast!” Vincent exclaimed as Alex took hold of one of the upper branches, using it to swing himself around. Now that he was up, he could see why Vincent liked it up there. Once inside the lead cover, the branches and twigs made way to a bell-shaped opening, full of little windows and nooks and crannies to peek out through. For Alex, it was a bit of a tight squeeze, but for a kid like Vincent it was a naturally-ocurring tree fort.

“Y’know,” Alex said with some difficulty, trying to get comfortable among the little sticks and growths accompanying the trunk of the tree. “Miss Penny would really like you to come down.”

“Yeah, but, I can see EVERYTHING from here!” Vincent yelped, as though Alex weren’t right next to him. “I can see the mountains, and the forest, and all the way to the ocean! And I can see the bus stop and the train station-“

“Not really-“

“So anyone that comes to our village will be spotted by me, first!” Vincent finished, bouncing dangerously on a branch. Alex reached out behind him and put his arm on the limb, so if he fell back he’d have a chance to grab him.

“Who would be coming? I know there’s the new farmer, but we won’t get visitors until the Egg hunt.”

“Iunno,” Vincent shrugged, still looking out of the tree. “Whoever. Somebody’s gotta protec’ the village from all the skellytons and stuff.”

“Good point, good point,” Alex agreed, nodding along. He really wasn’t great with kids, he had to admit, but he figured he’d have a better shot getting him down if he was up in the same spot. Alex’s stomach grumbled- he was off his schedule and had missed his post-run breakfast. Vincent giggled.

“Your stomack’s talkin’.”

“Yeah it is. I’m hungry. Are you hungry?”

“No. I’m on guard duty,” Vincent replied stubbornly.

“That’s a shame. I’m sure Miss Penny has a snack ready,” he shouted. Penny was nearby, corraling Jas, and she looked up, catching Alex’s eye.

“Yep, I’ve got some really nice apricots here for a snack,” she called up, playing along. “But you’ll have to come down and get them.”

“Well, Vincent doesn’t want his, so mind if I have it?” Alex called back, moving like he planned on jumping down. Vincent’s face twisted.

“No! Miss Penny said I could have the apricot today, I spelled it and everything!”

“Well, we can’t eat if we’re in the tree,” Alex stated. Vincent looked out to the view again, then sighed with the exasperation of the very young.

“I guess not. Can you help me down?”

“Of course, buddy,” Alex replied. He got them both down easily enough. “Just be careful, okay? Don’t go up by yourself. Always have someone on the ground to go get help, right?”

“Yeah, an’ to tell the grownups the skellytons are comin’,” Vince agreed. Penny sighed heavily and took both of her charge’s hands, mouthing a grateful ‘thank you’ to Alex as she walked them back to the library. Alex smiled and waved in response, heading back to his grandparent’s.

His earlier anger at Shane had abated. It wasn’t even anger, he realized, it was sadness, and pity, and desire to help, all coated with a red tinge of bitterness that Shane could let this happen to himself. He wanted to be angry for Jas’s sake- she was a kid. She shouldn’t know what “beer-sick” is. She was what, 6? 7? But then he remembered the look on Shane’s face as he cradled his wrist away from Alex- the flinch as he reached out. He wanted so badly for things to be black and white, for Shane to be an easy villain, another alcoholic whose life was wasted in favor of the drink.

But he wasn’t. Not anymore. Not now that Alex had caught a glimpse of what was going on inside his head.

For better or for worse, he wanted to help. If for no other reason, just to see if he could.

He walked back into his grandparent’s place with a new fervor, ideas cooking harder than the leeks on the stove.

Chapter Text

Ch 8

The rest of the week passed in a blur. Between running earlier and spending more time studying, Alex didn’t see Shane more than in passing. Two days after he had walked him home, Alex had seen Shane walking to work. When he brightened and slowed, taking off his earbuds to talk to him, Shane shook his head and put up his hood, crossing his arms and walking faster to work.

Alex tried not to take it personally. Shane had been very, very vulnerable and weak, and it was never easy to show that side of oneself to another person. He threw himself instead into studying- it was midterms, and once he got through that he had a whole week off to look forward to, providing he passed the exams. To that end, he had study dates with Maru and Emily. Maru helped him with the medical side of things while they tidied up the clinic together; Emily helped him with his electives.

The two had become friends while Haley and Alex had dated. Haley was the cheer captain- Alex was the Gridball Frontrunner. It was an obvious pairing. Haley had initially moved out to be close to Alex while he was taking care of his grandparents, but the attraction quickly faded once they no longer had the adoration of their classmates. There was no resentment between them, just a faint ghost of what was that floated in the corner of their eyes whenever they looked at each other. Despite their friendliness, Haley found other places to be while Alex was over studying with Emily.

Alex studiously avoided the subject of Shane around Maru, who was more than happy to talk about their work. Around Emily, though, Alex’s guard was down.

“So,” she said, finishing up a line of stitching. “Once you figure out what you want each paragraph to be about, you just take the first lines and make the introductory paragraph.”

“It doesn’t seem cohesive,” Alex replied, looking at the carefully written words on his page. She waved him off.

“That’s a third-draft problem. You can’t edit an empty page.” She pulled the fabric off the machine, clipping the thread ends off with the sharp on the machine. “I saw you walking with Shane the other day.”

“Mhm. He was sick at work,” Alex replied, still going over the paragraphs. “Got him some fluids and walked him home.”

“That’s nice of you,” she said, pulling out her iron to smooth down another seam. “Are you going to be spending more time with him?”

Alex’s eyes narrowed, and he raised his head to look at her. “Why do you ask?”

Emily shrugged, still nonchalantly working on the fabric. “Just making conversation,” she replied, but her voice was obviously high and false.

“Uh huh,” Alex replied, disbelieving. He sighed and looked down at his papers again. “I dunno. He… there was a couple really tense moments and I fucked them up, I think. I want to help him. But I don’t know how.”

She sucked her teeth. “I get that. His aura is muddled and cloudy,” she explained, as though that made any sense to Alex. “He needs to be cleansed from whatever spiritual negativity he’s harboring, but anytime I try to talk to him about it he shuts down.” As she spoke, she pinned a hem in the fabric, fingers flying. “And it’s not like it’s a big deal, he just needs to talk it out, y’know? I sent him home with a quartz as well, to help with the energy cleansing, but he just left it on the counter. Ow-“ her hands stilled as she poked herself with a pin then stuck the digit in her mouth. “Ugh. Anyway. The point is, Alex, you shouldn’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.” The chair spun around, and she looked at him meaningfully, putting pressure on her finger. “It’d be like throwing your energy into a well. He’ll take and take and never give you anything to show for it.”

“Yeah. I know.” Alex tapped his eraser on the desk, looking down at the separated paragraphs, each on their own sheet. “I just. I want to try, y’know?”

“If that’s what you feel called to do, then follow your intuition,” she replied, looking up at the clock on the wall. “I know where he and Marnie will be tonight. It is Friday.”

“Mm,” Alex grunted, putting the papers together. Fridays were historically rough for him, emotionally- Fridays and Saturdays were bar nights for his dad growing up- it was better for young Alex to be scarce those nights. Now, he usually spent them doing PT with Gramps or studying, then took a long run down the beach, around through the mountain path, then again, until he was too tired to over-think when he got home. Maybe tonight, he’d have a different route.

He walked with Emily to the Stardrop, turning down her invitation to come inside for a snack- she knew he didn’t drink, and Alex suspected Hayley had told her about his dad- but it didn’t stop her from inviting him. He appreciated it- it made him feel included, even if he never joined them. Once he got home, however, he regretted not staying for a few moments longer- Gramps was having a bad day, and PT proved to be a bear. Alex gave up early and let him eat dinner and watch his stories in peace, electing to finally take Emily up on her offer. He needed to talk to Shane, anyway, and as long as he could focus on the goal, he could suppress the panic attack that the smell of alcohol brought on.

He was ravenous as he walked over to the Stardrop, following the wafting smell of pizza like a sand serpent to it’s prey. As he approached, another figure emerged from the gathering dusk into the light of the tavern, and she waved brightly.

“Alex! It’s been a while!”

“Hi, Marnie,” he smiled back, giving her a hug. She smelled like hay and animals, so similar to Shane he found himself squeezing her a little tighter than he would have normally. Maybe in hopes that some of the excess would bleed off into him.

“Oof, such big muscles!” She complimented, patting his back. “Next time I need to pull down hay from the loft I might call you up!”

“Always happy to help, you know Gram’s number,” he replied automatically. Somethinng was pulling at him- something not right. It had started as an itch when Emily had said that Marnie and Shane would both be at the bar tonight, and as he held the door open for Marnie, he figured it out.

“Who’s watching Jas?” His voice came out a little deeper than he intended, a little rougher. As he swallowed down the red, Marnie turned and smiled up at him.

“I just put her to bed before I left,” she replied, heading into the warmth of the bar. A wave of sounds and smells washed over the two, and Alex balked. A drunken roar of laughter that sounded like Lewis- the sound of pool balls clashing together. The sour smell of beer filled his nose, and he flinched.

“It’s barely six,” he said, rooted to the spot. Marnie shrugged without turning.

“She does well enough on her own. Heck, my parents left me alone from when I was four onward- if anything happens, she knows she can call the Stardrop.” When Alex didn’t follow her in, she turned, frowning. “What’s up? Going to come in?”

“I-“ red clouded his vision. She was just a kid. She shouldn’t have to call a bar if something was wrong. She should have someone there. How could Marnie be so irresponsible? “D-do you mind if I go check on her? There’s, uh,” he racked his brain for an excuse. “Been some skeletons, coming down from the caves.” Nice one, Alex. Marnie cocked an eyebrow.

“…Sure, buddy. Key’s under the mat, don’t wake her up. First one’s on me when you get back!” Her shouted words followed him as he walked down the cobblestone path over to the forest, then picked up to a light jog.

She was too damn young to be by herself. Alex remembered the nights he was left on his own, the city noise pressing in on the windows, not knowing when or if his dad would be home. Once he got old enough, he stayed over at friend’s, but Jas didn’t have-

Vincent. Marnie should be dropping her off with Vincent’s mom, it was even on the way! It’d be no imposition on her, how could Marnie not even think about that? How could Shane-

His line of thinking was cut off sharply as he saw the lights on in Marnie’s house. He sped up to a run, groping blindly for the key under the rug and shoving it into the lock, fumbling the door open. Panic clawed it’s way up his throat before he heard the sound of a TV and young, high-pitched laughter coming from the kitchen. He entered cautiously and blinked in surprise.

A tall, stocky man in a long black robe and black hat stood in Marnie’s kitchen over a steaming pot. He wore thick, black boots and black pants. As Alex walked into the kitchen, he turned and nodded with a big, bushy purple beard and moustache. Behind him, Jas was sitting at the kitchen table, an empty bowl in front of her. The small kitchen TV, the only one in the house besides the one in Shane’s room, was playing some pirate cartoon. Jas’s usually solemn face was lit with a smile that dropped when she saw Alex.

“Hi,” she said shyly. “Dya want some macaneese?”

“Mac and cheese,” the tall man corrected, turning and spooning some into a bowl for her. Alex belatedly noticed there were two other empty bowls on the table, which the tall man filled wirh pasta before putting the empty pot in the sink.

“You’re the Wizard,” Alex blurted, shock and surprise coloring his tone as he finally placed the tall man. He was a regular fixture during bigger town events, but Alex had never had reason to talk to him. In the core of him, he was intimidated by the taller man who supposedly had control of magic. The Wizard’s face lit with a bemused smile as he sat at the kitchen table, waving his hand to the other chair.

“You’re Alex,” he replied. His voice was deep and rich. “I hadn’t realized that Jas was so current with the new norm of introductions.”

“No, bro, I, sorry- I’m just surprised, is all.”

“Perfectly reasonable. You expected to come here to find young Jas here, alone, and have come upon myself, instead. Come, sit, have some mac and cheese.” Alex followed the other man’s instructions, still a little hesitant. To his credit, the Wizard only smiled and turned his attention to the TV, then dug into his own bowl. Alex took a bite automatically, then faster. He was starving, he realized. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast.

The mac and cheese was plain but good, and especially filling. He suspected that the Wizard had put something extra in it- he had been guilty of blending things into cheese sauces to get Gramps an extra nutrient or four. Jas ate slower, kicking her feet and giggling at the tv show, which was nonsensical, as far as Alex could tell. When they had all finished, Alex took the plates over to the sink and started washing them.

“Jas, why don’t you go play with your dolls in your room?” The Wizard asked. “Find some to show to Alex.” She nodded and hopped down. The Wizard brought over the last few dishes to Alex and wordlessly started drying them.

“So, have… have you been watching her? Whenever Marnie’s not here?” Alex asked, swallowing through his suddenly dry mouth. He still found the Wizard intimidating, but it was easier to talk to him when they both had suds on their hands.

“Just on Fridays,” he rumbled in reply. “Wednesdays she gets walked over to Jodi’s and spends the night. And I try to watch over everyone in Pelican Town,” he said, casting a glance to Alex, who shuddered and looked away.

“That’s how you knew I was coming, then?”

“Yes. I watched you run over,” he chuckled. “I do not have perfect foresight, but I am an excellent estimator when it comes to certain behaviors.”

“Why does-“

“I will not give you answers that are not mine to give,” he cut Alex off, an edge to his voice. “I will not give you insight into Marnie’s behavior. Nor Shane’s. I will say,” he continued, gentler, “Jas is perfectly capable of looking after herself. I rarely find need to come over.” Alex nodded, feeling some of the color come back into his face. He was usually the tallest person in the room, and being smaller than someone while being chastised was making his stomach clench uncomfortably. The Wizard dried his hands on a dish towel, nodding to himself. “With that, I will take my leave.”

“Wha-? Bro, what am I supposed to-“

“Jas will put herself to bed around 7. She enjoys a bit of solitude and will generally fall asleep around 9, if you don’t keep her up too long,” the Wizard continued, plowing right through Alex’s protestations as though he hadn’t spoken. “Don’t expect sctintillating conversation, but she is decent and good, as far as small humans go. Good evening.” With that, he left, closing the door behind him.

As though summoned, Jas emerged as the door shut, holding a doll in front of her. She looked at the door.

“Did Mr. Ratmodis leave?”

“Yeah,” he said, still shaken from the encounter. “I, uh. I came over to make sure you weren’t alone, and the Wizard- er, Mr. Ratmodis? Just surprised me. That’s all. Um. Who’s this?” He asked, squatting down in front of Jas, who showed him the doll.

“This is Miss Agnes. She’s getting married to Mister Ratmodis,” Jas explained. “I was gonna show him.”

“Ah,” Alex said, on more even footing. He could play pretend. “Does Mr. Ratmodis like Miss Agnes?”

“Yes, but he said that he needs to ‘properly court’ her. But, he’s gone now.” Her face scrunched in thought. Slowly, her eyes turned to Alex, then lit up. Alex smiled hesitantly, wondering if he had been afraid of the wrong person all along.

Chapter Text

Ch 9

Shane was trying to take it easy on himself this week.

Usually, he’d slam back the first two or three beers to get himself back to a decent spot, what he thought of as his “normal” after the long dullness of a day at Joja. However, after the week of stomach upset and illness, he was taking it a little easier, nursing three beers instead of getting to six or seven as fast as he possibly could. Emily smiled brightly at him and tried to make conversation, but he ignored her. She had tried to make him a project before, all well-meaning words and empty promises, and he didn’t have the time or patience for it. At the end of the day, all those words that people said were just that- words. And words couldn’t fill the ache in his chest, or buy medicine for Jas or feed for the chickens.

He left earlier than usual, passing Marnie and Lewis as they danced to something slow and soft on the jukebox. He didn’t understand why they didn’t just be together, everyone in town knew, but he had also never bothered asking Marnie. Their relationship was strained at best. Were it not for Jas, Shane knew they likely wouldn’t have any contact.

Then again, were it not for Jas, everything would be different.

Shane performed his nightly routine, quietly entering so as not to wake Jas, but leaving the porch lights on for Marnie (and Lewis). He banked the fire in the hay-drying room, swept the ash to the sides to prevent sparks, then quietly opened Jas’s door. The nightlight was on, and the lump of the girl under her blankets softly rose and fell with sleep. Her dolls were spread all over the room, he noticed, even more than usual, but he shrugged it off. She and Vincent must have been playing before Jodi took him home.

He closed the door to Jas’s room softly and made his way through the clean kitchen- suspiciously clean, Marnie must have had a good day before she went out- and went out to the barn to check on the chickens. They were roosted for the night, and a few soft clucks greeted him. Before checking the others, he went to the first hutch, the one right inside the door and closest to the heat.

“How’s my girl?” He whispered softly, picking up the little blue chicken and holding it gently in his two hands. Baby clucked, just as quiet, and stretched out it’s neck towards him. With an unrestrained smile, he let her crawl up his chest and roost into his neck, using his hood for nesting material. Of all the chickens he had hatched and raised, Baby was his favorite. She had hatched small and gray and was initially rejected by the mother hen- Shane had been around and she had imprinted on him. He had learned everything about chicken husbandry as quickly as he could, and he and Jas had bonded over nightly feedings and ensuring the chicken got enough exercise. Jas’s attention had waned- she was a kid, after all- but Shane’s hadn’t faltered, and she had grown teal and blue feathers, a marvel that even Marnie hadn’t seen before. She was also smarter, more docile, and liked hanging out with Shane, something he encouraged whenever he could, now that she was almost of laying age. Baby tucked herself into the crook of his neck, clucking contentedly as he went about the rest of his duties.

With cautious hands, he reached underneath the hens and drew out their eggs, collecting them in a basket he kept in the coop for that purpose. In the morning, a solar-operated door would slide open, letting them into the yard, and it would close in the evening. He brought the eggs back to the kitchen and put them in the holder on the counter for use, giving Baby a few scritches. It was pretty early yet, barely past 10- he probably had time for a few rounds of Race-Paced before he racked out for the night. Hell, maybe a few more beers, too.

As he walked into his room, his hackles raised. Someone had been in and cleaned. The sheets had been pulled out of the dryer and put back on the bed- the laundry basket was empty, the clothes hanging up in the closet. A snore broke his focus, and he glanced over to see a figure in his chair.

Alex was sprawled ungracefully in the armchair in the corner, limbs akimbo. He had found a spare blanket in a storage closet, covered in snowflakes and trees from the Feast of the Winter Star. There was a black bowtie on his head, Shane noted, and a plastic cord with a rainbow shell looped around his neck that Shane recognized immediately. He snorted quietly, nudging the other man’s foot with his own. Alex woke with a start, blinking up at Shane in the dim room. He stretched, and Shane blushed and looked away, the hem of Alex’s shirt pulling up.

“What time’sit?” Alex grumbled, looking around.

“Dunno, there’s no clock in here,” he replied quietly, sitting on his bed and facing Alex. “Who’s the lucky doll?” He asked, smirking and tapping his chest. Alex’s brows knotted for a moment before looked down, spying the rainbow shell and grinning sheepishly.

“Miss Agnes. Apparently we’re a ‘handsome couple’. We had a tea date and a Fall wedding.” His voice was layered with sarcasm, but warm, and Shane found himself smiling in return. Yoba damn the drink- his guard was down, and here was Alex, all rumpled from sleep and wearing a necklace his god-daughter made him. Alex touched the rainbow shell on the cord, then seemed to remember something and dropped it back against his chest. His eyes shot up to Shane’s, dark and accusatory, and Shane leaned back. “Why would you leave her alone?”

“What do you mean?” Shane asked, confused. “I know Jodi goes home at 10 to get Vincent in bed, but Jas is usually asleep by then-“

“What are you talking about?” Alex grunted, moving around to sit upright in the chair, his voice still furred with sleep. “Marnie said Jas was alone. I went to the bar to try to talk to you, and when I saw Marnie-“

“She said Jodi takes care of her-“

“Oh Wednesdays,” Alex interrupted, voice heated. “Not Fridays. She’s-“

“Fuck,” Shane cursed, burying his head in his hands. He felt dizzy. He had been over this with Marnie a thousand times, it was one of the things they disagreed on- Marnie was of the opinion that Jas was fine on her own, Shane believed strongly that someone should be with her. He groaned quietly, swallowing against the nausea and speaking into his hands. “How long has she been alone on Fridays?”

“I don’t…” Alex’s voice trailed off, and Shane raised his head to see him looking just over his head with a puzzled expression. “Bro, is that a chicken in your hood?”

“Oh,” Shane remembered, cheeks going pink. “This is Baby.” At her name, she clucked and climbed on top of Shane’s shoulder, poofing out her feathers and wiggling in to roost. “Show-off,” he muttered, and she turned fully around on his shoulder before sitting again with her fluffy butt firmly against Shane’s cheek. He sighed, then heared a muffled noise from Alex, whose hand was firmly clasped around his mouth, suppressing a giggle.

“I’m sorry bro,” he choked, “I just- man, I was not, like, expecting-“

“This is a farm,” Shane deadpanned, trying to hide his embarrassment. “We raise chickens here.”

“Sorry, bro, I know, it’s- one sec.” Alex took a moment to himself, shaking out his head. “Fuck. Baby the blue chicken. Okay. Yes. As far as I know, Jas has been alone on Fridays. According to the Wizard-“

“The wizard?” Shane asked, incredulously, and Alex raised his palm.

“Apparently, he likes ‘watching over’ the people in the town,” Alex continued, making quotes with his fingers, “which also freaked me out but, like, he was making her mac and cheese, so, I dunno? Apparently it’s been a thing on Fridays.”

Shane groaned again and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Cool. Yeah. Great. Okay. Jas hasn’t been alone, she’s being babysat by some random old man who’s a wizard. That’s not…” he trailed off, sighing. They passed a few beats in silence, Alex watching him from the armchair.

“You didn’t know she was alone?” Alex asked, almost hopefully.

“No,” Shane replied. “Marnie said she was having Jodi watch her. But, she also thinks Jas can be left alone, so I’m sure that this was her ‘proving her point’.” He growled the last, angry at no one. “I shouldn’t’ve trusted her. I’m so stupid.”

“Marnie also told me that she had been left alone from age five onward,” Alex interjected thoughtfully. “Jas is pretty self-sufficient. Still young, but,” He shrugged, leaning back in the armchair and yawning.

“I should just come home and be with her,” Shane continued, running his hands through his hair. His leg bounced. “I shouldn’t go to the Stardrop, I have-“ beer at home, he wanted to say, but the shame clogged his throat. The TV’s glow flickered over his legs, and he remembered another TV flicker, the sound of a cheap beer can opening, canned laughter roaring on the TV. Tiptoeing around the living room, hoping and praying he was quiet enough. Ducking out of the way of beer cans when he wasn’t. He shuddered, pulling in closer to himself, feeling very, very thirsty-

and Baby pecked his cheek, annoyed at being disturbed from her perch. He gasped. He was still very thirsty, but he knew where he was. Alex had said something. “What?” He asked, trying to stop his hands from shaking.

“After PT- I do physical therapy with Gramps, but after that I could come over and hang out,” Alex repeated. He was standing, folding the blanket over the back of the chair.

“What? You shouldn’t have to-“ Shane’s brain caught up with the conversation. Alex was offering to watch her. The shame dried his mouth, making him stutter. “You don’t need- you were right. I should be better-“

“It’s- stop,” Alex cut him off. “I’m- that’s why I wanted to talk to you tonight. I shouldn’t have…” he raised his arms behind his neck, blowing out a breath. For whatever reason, he couldn’t meet Shane’s eyes. “I lost control. I shouldn’t have put hands on you, either time. Fuck, I even hugged you without your permission, and that was beyond-“

“It’s- it’s okay,” Shane blurted, wanting to stop Alex before he was reminded of the man’s arms around him, his smell enveloping him. “It was- it was okay,” he admitted, his voice small. Alex stopped dead still, looking at him appraisingly. Shane suddenly found himself unable to meet Alex’s eyes.

“But. Regardless. Watching Jas on Fridays is the least I can do to apologize,” he continued, full of nervous, tired energy. “You have to do- what you have to do. I don’t get it, but, I don’t need to, and I don’t do anything on Fridays.”

“I should be home, but…” Shane swallowed. Alex stopped pacing. Baby dug her claws into Shane’s shoulder as he stood, pulling the cuffs of his sweater sleeves down over shaking hands. “I don’t want to drink in front of her,” he admitted, shame coloring his words. “Not like I do at- at the bar. I want to- I want to keep that part of me away from her.” He swallowed again. Godsdammit his mouth was so dry. He had another six-pack next to the TV behind him- if Alex would just go, he could drink it.

Alex nodded. “Yeah. I’ll be here Fridays. After all,” he smiles falsely, his tone changing, “marriage takes work, right? Agnes and I are newlyweds.” He tapped the rainbow shell around his neck, and Shane choked out a laugh despite the thirst strangling him.

“She is a demanding woman,” he replied, playing along. “A real ball-buster. You got your work cut out for you.” He cleared his suddenly tight throat and walked behind him to the front door, trying very hard not to stare at his ass. “Thanks, for tonight,” he murmured, grabbing the door for Alex as he put his shoes on.

“S’fine. Jas is a really cool kid.” Alex grinned up at him, and Shane saw the bow clipped into his hair.

“Oh, you’ve got a-“

“Huh?” Alex reached up to the wrong side, and he and Shane engaged in a useless pantomime until Shane sighed a muttered “here-“ and reached up into Alex’s hair, unclipping the bow. His wrist grazed Alex’s forehead and slipped against his hair- soft, of course it was soft- and he fought to pull it back at a normal speed, trying not to give away how much the accidental touch had affected him. With pressed lips, he showed the clip to Alex, who grinned.

“I completely forgot, thanks man.” He reached an arm out, and Shane fought the urge to wince away- if he touched him now, Shane might never let him go- but Alex reached over his shoulder and gave Baby a scritch. “I won’t touch you without permission again,” he said quietly, looking through lidded eyes at Shane. “I know you don’t like it.”

I do, he wanted to scream. I do like it. I love it. I cannot be trusted with how badly I want it, and if you give anything to me I will never stop wanting.

“Thank you,” he said, voice alien and cracking. “Goodnight Alex.”

“Goodnight, Baby.” Shane’s eyes flew open, a bubble rising in his throat, his lips opening- “and goodnight, Shane,” Alex winked, tired but teasing, and turned down the path and out of the lamplight.

Shane stood, paralyzed in the doorway until he could no longer hear Alex’s footsteps. Then, he closed the door, went to his room, and drank the entire six-pack.

Chapter Text

Despite having a late night, Shane woke promptly at 7am with a pounding headache. It wasn’t a hangover, necessarily- he rarely stopped drinking long enough to get a hangover- but it was proof that he hadn’t drank enough water last night. He stared at the ceiling, listening to Marnie call the cows over for their morning milking, the chickens scratching and clucking at the ground. At this, he heard a soft scratching beside him, which was the only warning he received before a hard peck at his cheek. He shouted and shot up in bed, holding his cheek. Baby hopped into his lap, looking very proud of herself, at which he grimaced.

“Morning, tiny little psycho,” he grumbled, putting a hand over her teal feathers and stroking gently. “I’m guessing you want breakfast.” She jumped off the bed as he pulled back the covers and swung his feet around, putting his head in his palms for a moment. Last night still weighed heavy on his mind- he couldn’t believe Marnie had betrayed his trust like that, and Alex had stepped up so readily. Without even being asked, without asking if it was the right thing he was doing, he had stepped in. Action, not talk, just like he had been thinking last night with Emily.

Baby pecked at his foot, pulling his out of his rumination, and he jumped. “I’m getting up, I’m up,” he protested as he pulled on his hoodie, following her to the door and opening it for her. She led him to the door out to the yard, which he also opened, following her out barefoot. The spring morning was crisp and cold, and he rubbed his arms, watching the puff of air from his breath sail away in the stillness. Baby clucked as she waddled out to her sisters, ‘bawk’-ing in camaraderie as she scritched at the dirt. Marnie clucked back to them as they surrounded her, and she gave Shane a look.

“Late night?”

“Just playing videogames,” he muttered back, taking a bucket from the side of the barn and filling it with feed. He kept his tone carefully neutral, even though he was still livid from the discovery the night before. The chickens clucked and pecked at his jeans as he spread the feed on the other side of the yard, away from the cows. As much as all the animals got along with each other, he liked to imagine that even they needed their space from each other. Charlie, a big white hen, waddled over to Shane and scratched at his jeans, clucking her indignity at him. She was Baby’s mama, and seemed to know to reprimand him when she didn’t know where her chick had gotten up to. Shane gave her an extra handful of feed in apology. Marnie finished up with the cows and goats and walked inside to start coffee- Shane dumped the rest of the bucket and followed her in, wiping his hands on his jeans. Baby stayed out with the flock- even when she spent the night with Shane, she liked being among her feathermates. He waited by the door as Marnie put the kettle on and pulled the french press and coffee grounds down.

“Alex was here when I got home last night,” he said, voice almost a growl of warning. Marnie paused for a moment, then continued measuring out grounds.

“He’s a nice young man,” she commented noncommittally. “I wondered why I didn’t see him back at the bar. Did he just come of age?”

“He doesn’t drink,” Shane continued, undaunted. “He said that Jas was left alone last night, and when he came home, the Wizard was here making her mac and cheese.” He spat the last, hating how ridiculous it made him sound. Marnie, to her credit, stopped altogether, setting down the grounds she was measuring.

“Well. That was nice of him to do,” she said after a moment of seeming to gather her thoughts. “I told Jas not to use the stove when we’re not home.”

“She shouldn’t be home alone at all!” Shane yelled, clenching his hand into a fist and crossing his arms. “You said Jodi was watching her on days we were both at the bar. She’s only 7, she’s too young to be all alone.”

“I was home alone when I was her age,” Marnie chided, taking two cups out of the cupboard. “From five on, it was my job to get the chickens and the horses in at night, then put myself to bed. It taught me responsibility and independence, and I think it’s good for Jas-“

“You’re not her parent,” Shane cut her off, seething. “You don’t get to make those decisions, and you don’t get to lie to me about it.”

She guffawed in response.

“Don’t you try to pull the parent card. Not with me,” she said, low. “You haven’t made a decision in that girl’s life in months. You work and pay her bills, but I take care of her. And the weeks that she’s been home alone-“

“Weeks?!” The teapot started to whistle.

“-she’s more than proved herself capable of taking care of herself. If the Wizard decides to step in and make her some noodles, that’s on him.”

“How long has she been on her own?!” Shane growled, digging his nails into the palm of his hand. The teakettle was at a rolling boil now, sputtering and spitting on the stovetop. Marnie moved slowly, as if she couldn’t hear the teakettle, as though she couldn’t hear the pressure mounting.

“A month and a half now, I think? Jodi said she couldn’t watch Jas on Fridays, and we talked-“

“Why the fuck didn’t you ask me?!” Shane shouted over the teakettle, finally stomping over and moving it off the burner. The water in the teakettle sloshed over onto his sleeve, and he drew it away quickly. The teakettle’s protests whistled away to a quiet that made his ears ring. “I don’t want her to have to be left alone- I don’t want her to have to memorize the Stardrop’s number to call if something goes wrong. She has asthma, what if-“

“I have my inhaler,” a small voice interrupted. They both turned to the door to see Jas, holding one of her dolls- Miss Agnes, maybe. She yawned and walked over to the kitchen table, barefoot and in her nightdress, her feet slapping on the linoleum in the awkward quiet. “I know how to use it- my inhaler. It’s, it’s a puff and then a big breath. I’m not a baby anymore.” She set her doll down beside her place setting carefully, then went over to the fridge and got the milk out.

“Careful, it’s heavy,” Shane murmured as she grabbed the bottle of fresh milk. She nodded and held onto it with both hands, carefully walking it over to the kitchen table. Shane got her favorite cereal down from the upper shelf- why did they keep it up so high, anyway- and walked it to the table, where she met him with her bowl and spoon. She thanked him and carefully poured herself a bowl of cereal, then unscrewed the cap for the milk. Shane fought with his instincts to help, and put his hands under his armpits to keep from reaching out. His right hand stung, but he brushed the pain aside, focusing on Jas, who poured the milk carefully, then set it back down, recapped it, and started eating. She swallowed.

“I kinda- I mean, I kinda like it when I get to be alone,” she said, looking up at Shane. “I like Vincent but he’s a boy. And he doesn’t know how to play dolls right.” She shook her head with a weary gravitas, and Shane fought back a smile. “I liked it- I liked it when Alex was here, last night? He’s a boy too. But he can play dolls right. I can teach him.” She nodded to herself and took another bite. Shane sighed and sat down next to her at the table.

“I just- I don’t want you to be alone at night and not have anyone if something happens. I don’t want you to get scared.”

She shook her head, kicking her feet.

“‘M not scared. If anything happened, Mister Ratmis would be over here anyway. This one time, there was a really loud- uh, really loud sound, and I got scared and I was gonna call and then Mister Ratmis knocked on the door and tol’ me it was an owl. And then I asked him all kinds of questions about the owl and then I wasn’t scared.” She took another bite and chewed.

“And you weren’t scared of Mr. Rasmodius?” Marnie asked, finally pouring the hot water over her coffee cup. Jas shook her head.

“I know I’m not ‘posed to talk to strangers, but Penny introduced us to Mr. Ratmodis and he taught us about magic and nature an’ stuff. So he’s not a stranger.” She took another bite of cereal, and Shane sighed, drumming his fingers on the tabletop.

“Alex offered to hang out with you on Fridays,” he posited gently. “Would that be okay?”

“Yeah?” She said, swallowing. “Then can I stay home on Saturdays? I promise I’ll call if anything happens, an’ I’ll go to bed on time-“

“Don’t you like hanging out with Jodi and Vincent?” Shane asked, suspicious at the sudden volunteerism. The spoon clattered against the bottom of the bowl in exasperation.

“Yeah, I do, but Miss Jodi tells us that we have to compromise on TV time, and Vincent always wants to watch Skeleton Raiders and it’s on at the same time as Rainbow Prism Girl. And if it’s just me, I don’t hafta watch Skeleton Raiders,” she delivered the last night with a drawn-out sigh. Shane fought off a smirk.

“Well,” he said, looking up at Marnie, who was straining her coffee. “Obviously Aunt Marnie’s okay with it. But- you promise you’ll call if anything happens, right?”

“The Stardrop number is star-oh-one-five-five,” she recited, back to kicking her feet. “An’ the Adventurer’s Guild is star-one-nine-nine-nine, if I see a skeleton or a slime. And Mr. Ratmis doesn’t have a phone but if I chant his name three times he can hear it.” She raised the spoon, then set it down. “Oh. And Alex’s number is star-oh-two-five-six. He made me memorize it last night. And I know Miss Jodi’s number and Miss Penny’s number.” She took another bite out of her cereal. Shane sat back, blowing a breath out through his nose.

“You know I love you, right Goose?” He said, using their old nickname. She giggled.

“I love you too Duckduck,” she replied, kicking her feet harder and goobing up at him. He smirked again and ruffled the top of her head as he stood, turning on the little TV on the table. “Melt your brain a little bit, you’re gettin’ too smart for me.”

“Kay,” she said, happily swinging her feet. He put the milk back in the fridge. Marnie stood beside it, barely concealing a smug grin.

“I knew she was old enough. You have to trust me, I know how to raise kids.”

“You know how to raise goats,” he countered, still stung from her betrayal. “And you should have told me. She’s my god-daughter.” He poured the hot water into his mug and stirred in the instant coffee mix, wincing as he moved his wrist.

“I know, I know. She’s growing up, you gotta let her grow.”

“Yeah,” he agreed, sipping the rancid mix. It did absolutely nothing to quench the tickle in the back of his throat, the hollow feeling that threatened to swallow him as he watched Jas’s head bob up and down in time with the commercial jingle. “Every day she looks more and more like Jenna,” he remarked quietly, taking another sip. Marnie clicked her tongue.

“Her eyes and face, absolutely,” she observed quietly. “But her hair, that’s all Andr-“

“I’m gonna go muck out the stables,” he interrupted, setting down his mug hastily. It tipped and spilled over his hand, and he grunted in pain, holding it in towards himself. Marnie said something, but he turned away from her, dumping the coffee in the sink and heading out into the yard. Once in the stables, he donned the heavy coveralls and gloves, immersing himself in the mindless, exhausting work of keeping the farm running.

His hand stung. He ignored it.

Chapter Text

Alex got up when his alarm went off at 6:30. He brushed his teeth, grabbed a pre-workout energy bar from his bedside table, got dressed and went for his morning run.

He was unaware of all of this until he really woke up, right when he crested the hill beside the cavern that the Adventurer’s Guild said hosted a dungeon. The air was getting warmer as Spring pressed forward into Summer, and the sun was already starting to get to him. He panted and pulled the shirt off, looping it around his neck as he caught his breath. He had gone home and immediately fallen back asleep, despite his heart pounding the entire walk back. This mess with Jas and Shane had him all twisted- he thought that Marnie was the reasonable one, but after his talk last night he no longer thought that was the case. Then again, not that he was one to judge.

His mom had been there for him as much as she could have been, before the cancer took her. He knew it wasn’t a fair way to say it- cancer ‘took’ her, like a robber takes hostages. Cancer ate her. It ate her in pieces of herself, of her body and personality, until there was nothing left but a withered husk without the strength to lift her hands. He had been there for her care- he was still a kid, but he rode the bus with her there and back when his dad was working. Come to find out later that his dad hadn’t been ‘working’ at all.
His mom had originally wanted him to go stay with Grandma and Gramps when she died, but his dad had filed for custody- for whatever reason, Alex didn’t know. His therapist had suggested it had something to do with his father controlling what he could after he lost his wife.

Alex sighed and bent down to the small mountain lake, dipping his hands in and bringing the water up to his face to bring himself out of his thought spiral. Cold water stimulated the dive reflex, which slowed the heartbeat- he’d read about that in one of his Neuro classes. Maybe it actually worked, maybe it was a placebo, but when he shook his head, letting the water drip to his chest, his mind was completely cleared. Well, cleared of all thoughts except for ‘fuck that was cold, why did I do that, fuck fuck fuck’. He shook his hair out again and stretched.

He could be there on Fridays. Beyond that, what they did was up to them. It shouldn’t matter so much.

Come summer, the open tryouts for the next training season of Gridball was up, and Alex’s old coach had been in contact with him constantly. Alex had been scouted in High School, but the situation with his dad had deteriorated to the point where he needed to move out, and his grandparents had opened their home to him. He had stayed and helped out, then kept helping out, and a few years had passed, but he was still in the best shape of his life, thanks to the rigorous training schedule he kept.

Speaking of. He picked up to a run again, completing his circuit. He had his certification exam on Monday- after that, he’d be an official Physical Therapy Technician, as well as a CNA. There were some other certifications he had as well that enabled him to do some other things to help out in the clinic when they were short-staffed, meaning he, officially, had a whole alphabet soup after his name- Maru had signed him up for the classes and helped him through the exams, as well as training him up for the in-person tests and certifications. He knew that things were a little different in this area as far as rules and regs, but Maru and Harvey had ensured him that it was all on the up-and-up. Plus, all the certifications looked great on his application.

Gram was in the kitchen when he got home, cooking breakfast. Gramps was sitting in front of the TV, watching a documentary about one of the wars. Which one, he didn’t know- history wasn’t exactly his strong suit- but it didn’t matter, because Gramps was asleep, snoring loudly. He left the old man to it and went to the kitchen to say hi. Gram was humming in front of the stove, a hymn to Yoba he recognized from when he went with them to church on the odd Sunday. She had been a singer at one point- she was still the loudest voice in the choir, though her notes trembled at times. He paused in the doorway for a moment, listening, earbuds around his neck. The air outside was warm, and it blew in around him, carrying the salt smell of the ocean and a subtle undercurrent of cherry blossoms, soft and sweet. Gram stopped mid-verse.

“Alex? Are you home?”

“Yeah,” he answered, closing the door. “Just getting back from my run.”

“Keep it down, I can’t hear my show,” Gramps groused, as if he hadn’t just been asleep moments before. Gram turned to Alex, and they raised their eyebrows at each other in a mutual acknowledgement before suppressing a laugh. He kissed her on the cheek and grabbed a seltzer from the fridge.

“It’s getting warm out- pry almost time to plant the flowers in the town square,” he remarked. It was his fourth year in Pelican Town, and he knew Gran looked forward to tending the flowers in the square every spring. She nodded, smiling.

“Almost,” she agreed. “It’s a nice day for it, too. Maybe today will be the day. Would you help with your Grandfather out to the square?”

“Of course,” he replied easily, taking a sip of the cold seltzer. “I’m gonna hop in a shower quick and then we can make a plan for the day.”

It was good of them to get out, he reflected. The sunlight and fresh air did great things for the immune system and the skin- Vitamin D, he thought, smiling to himself at the memory of Shane’s gruffness. He was so angry, at everyone, at no one- at himself, he realized, rinsing the shampoo out of his hair. Alex could recognize it well- it was the same doubt and hatred that once had shadowed his own heart, before he had worked it out with intense therapy and self-reflection.

Most days, it helped.

The rest of the day was a good one. Gramps begrudgingly agreed to spend time in the spring sunlight; Gran got a start on her spring flowers. Alex even got another weightlifting session in before cramming with Maru, going over his vocab in his head on the way home. It was late enough that the light from the tavern was casting merry yellow squares on the yard outside the house, where he coaxed Rusty out for dinner and a few pets. The dog was getting braver every day, but Alex was in no rush. It would be a while before he built up enough trust with the poor animal, and he had nothing but time- he could be patient.

A laugh came from inside the saloon, and Rusty retreated back into his house with a whine. Alex sighed and rested his elbows on the fence, looking in. Was Shane there tonight? Was Marnie? Before he could talk himself out of it, he walked over to the saloon and opened the door, stepping through into the golden light.

He waited for the panic attack, bracing against the smells, the sounds- but he only heard the laughter of the people from the town, his friends- smelled the frying food behind the counter. Gus’s eyebrows shot towards his hairline.

“Alex! What a rare sight to see!” He put down the glass he was polishing and waved him up. Alex gulped, plastering on a nervous smile. Behind Gus, Emily beamed, and he smiled back, relaxing an inch. The fisherman- Alex forgot his name- was sitting beside the door, drinking a beer, and he nodded and raised the mug at Alex to welcome him. He nodded back, walking to the bar and leaning over it to accept a hug from Emily.

“You finally came! Oh, Alex, this will be so good for you! I’m so proud,” she gushed, her eyes suspiciously bright as she bent his forehead down to hers, giving him a ‘soul kiss’, as she called it.

“I’m just checking up on something,” he replied, bumping her forehead gently. “Don’t get too excited.”

“Let me get you something, okay? First meal’s on me. Heavy on the protein, light on carbs. Trust me,” she said before flitting away to the back, giving him no time to argue. He sighed, making eye contact with Gus, who shrugged, then turned to help Pierre with another glass of wine. Alex looked around, seeing Marnie and Lewis dancing together while some high-tempo song he didn’t recognize played on the jukebox. Scanning around the bar, his eyes met Shane’s, and he fought the urge to lean back in surprise.

The other man’s eyes were dark, focused entirely on him as he nursed his drink. Even when Alex met his, Shane didn’t look away, only blinked. Finally, as though ending a long conversation, the man slightly inclined his chin to an empty stool beside his. Alex took the invitation and sidled up.

“Please tell me Jas is being babysat,” he asked by way of starting the conversation. Shane took one last draft of his beer, emptying it and setting it aside, far from Alex.

“She’s at home. She wanted to try, before you snap and bite my head off,” he said quickly, putting his hands up as though he had sensed the anger in Alex’s throat. “Apparently she and Vincent have to share the TV time, and she wanted to try being alone tonight so she could watch Rainbow Prism Princess or… something.” He waved his hands, flustered, and Alex fought back a smile. “Anyway. We talked to her, all three of us. She’ll get watched on Wednesdays, you can come over on Fridays-if you want, you don’t have to- and we’re trying out alone on Saturdays.” He grimaced, taking a drink of his water. “You don’t have to do Fridays-“

“I want to,” Alex said, cutting him off before he launched into another ramble. Shane closed his mouth and nodded, taking another long gulp. He was slightly red-faced, though that could be from the beer. Alex smiled back, thanking Gus when he put down a large glass of water in front of him. Shane still watched him, a slightly desperate look in his eye as Alex drank.

“You don’t have to,” he murmured again, looking down. The red spread to his ears, Alex noticed- definitely the beer.

“I want to,” he replied, putting his hand on Shane’s arm to make the other man look at him. “I like hanging out with Jas. Besides, I have husband duties to uphold now,” he joked, pulling out the pendant around his neck. Shane blanched, then guffawed in laughter.

“You actually wear it?”

“Of course,” Alex replied, mock aghast. “I would never disrespect Miss Agnes.”

“You’re an idiot,” Shane chuckled, and Alex smiled back. Emily came up then with a salad and steak on a plate, her eyes wide. Alex went to take the plate, then noticed her expression. Looking behind her, he caught Gus staring, then glanced around. The whole bar had seemingly stopped for a moment, but had gone back to their beers and food with suspicious gusto. Emily put the plate down.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you laugh,” she told Shane, breathlessly. “It’s nice.”

Shane, by contrast, seemed to shut down under Emily’s attention, frowning into his water glass.

“Don’t get used to it,” he snapped, retreating into his hoodie. Emily flinched back, hurt, and Alex sighed loudly.

“He’s just mad that he couldn’t attend mine and Miss Agnes’ wedding,” he confided in Emily, taking a bite of lettuce. “Jas says she and I are made for each other.”

“I- oh, I uh, didn’t know you were dating,” Emily replied, wringing her hands on a dish towel.

“It was love at first sight,” Alex continued, cutting his steak with flourish, trying to pull attention away from Shane. “Jas introduced us. She stands about one-foot-nothin’, has beautiful, curly brown hair, wears a long Victorian dress with way too many petticoats-“

“Dead, haunted eyes-“ Shane added, a grin pulling at his lips.

“Oh, absolutely haunted,” Alex agreed, taking a bite of his food. Emily sighed loudly.

“Are you talking about one of Jas’s dolls?”

“She is just an absolute doll, you’re right,” Alex agreed, giggling at his own dumb joke. Shane hid in his arms, tapping the table lightly as he laughed quietly. Emily groaned and rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Here I was thinking that you’ve finally dated someone other than Hayley,” she said, grinning at him. Alex nodded and swallowed.

“I’m a married man now. My dating days are over,” Alex replied wistfully, waving his fork. “Oh, to be young again.”

“Can we get you anything else? A beer?” Gus asked, grabbing a pint and starting to pour. The smell hit Alex’s nose, and he fought back a gag. Emily put her hand on Gus’s arm to stop him, but-

“He doesn’t drink,” Shane interrupted, sipping his water. Gus’s eyebrows raised, but he only shrugged, offering the pitcher to Shane, who shook his head.

“I’m good. I was gonna go home and check on Jas before it got too late, anyway.”

“You can drink, it’s-“ Alex started, but Shane waved his hand, not looking over.

“It’s fine. I’m not doing it for you.” His ears reddened, and Alex nodded, taking him at face value. It was only last night he had found out about Jas- he was likely having a rough time letting her be at home.

“Give me some time to finish this up, I can walk you back,” Alex offered, taking another bite. Shane nodded, taking another drink of his water. Emily looked between them, wringing her dish towel, eyes shining. When Alex cocked an eyebrow, she bit her lip and smiled, then returned to running food. Alex shook his head, laughing. “Weirdo.”

Chapter Text

“You don’t have to call it early on my account,” Alex said as he and Shane walked out of the Stardrop.

“Nah, I want to go check on Jas,” Shane reiterated. The night was relatively warm for spring, but he still curled his sleeves up around his wrists, more out of habit than anything else. He had paid his tab and followed Alex out like a shadow, hopelessly attached to the younger man. Alex looked over to his grandparent’s house. The porch light was still on, but the rest of the house was dim. They were early sleepers, Shane knew- Alex’s Grandfather had yelled at him enough from his bedroom window when Shane had been stumbling through trash cans trying to get home. Shane’s breath caught in his throat as he opened his mouth to wish him goodnight. “Do you want to walk with me?” came out instead. Damn the drink.

“Sure bro,” Alex replied, shrugging. “It’s a nice night for a walk. We’ll see what Jas’s been up to.”

They walked amicably beside the river, listening to the night-birds calling and the sound of the water.

“Was it- okay? Being in the bar?” Shane asked. “I know you don’t drink-“

“Yeah bro, no big- it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be, honestly,” he remarked, looking over the river towards the line of trees that divided the beach from the riverbank. “It’s the smell, mostly. I hate it.”

“Hm,” Shane remarked, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. He subtly took a few steps away as they walked, creating some distance and ensuring Alex was upwind. Alex continued on, not noticing Shane’s adjustment.

“Like. I hate the smell of alcohol because I knew it meant my dad was getting bad again, so I just avoided the saloon, parties, anywhere I knew there’d be alcohol. But.” He scuffed his foot against a rock, kicking it forward along the path. “Now I’m wondering if that made me more sensitive to it, y’know? It’s not like I can avoid it forever, especially if I want to join the Tunnelers.”

“You’re a Tunnelers fan?” Shane asked, unable to keep the grin out of his voice. “I love the Tunnelers! I try to take Jas to at least one game a season, she loves the big stadium hot dogs.”

“No way, bro!” Alex jumped excitedly, a manic smile on his face. “I fuckin’ LOVE the Tunnelers, bro! I’m trying out for the team for the training season, at least to be a backup runner, y’know? Then I’ll get you and Jas tickets to EVERY game. Promise.”

“Hell yeah, man,” Shane enthused, caught up in Alex’s energy. “Man, I wish I would have tried out. I got scouted and offered, but-“ he stopped himself, the memory of that summer throwing a cold bucket of water over the warm and pleasant evening. He swallowed, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie lower over his hands. “Something came up, and I couldn’t try out.”

“Man, that sucks, bro!” Alex exclaimed, kicking a rock into the creek. “I was gonna try out right after high school, but my dad- well. My dad kicked me out when I turned 18, and apparently, mom had always wanted me to live with my Grandparents. So, I’ve been trying to keep myself in shape, y’know?” He shadow-boxed forward and flexed. The moonlight caught the light of his smile, the strain of his muscles against his shirt, and Shane found his mouth suddenly dry. His ears burned. “You should come throw the ball around with me sometime, bro,” he went on. “Could use a partner.”

“I work all the time,” Shane said quickly, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Plus I’m pry way out of practice.” Alex scoffed, taking a step towards him and shoulder-checking him playfully.

“Nah, I see the build of a Gridballer. Toss around the ball with me, it’ll all come right back. Muscle memor-“

“I said no,” Shane barked, flinching away from his own harshness. Alex’s eyebrows raised, but he shrugged.

“Alright, man. Offer’s open if you ever want to. I’m usually down on the beach.” There had to be an end to Alex’s good-naturedness, he just knew it- he had seen Alex at the end of his rope with him before. He knew that patience wasn’t infinite. But for a moment, he was happy that Alex had the capacity for forgiveness.

“I don’t know if I’ll… have the time for it,” he finished lamely, retreating into his hoodie like a turtle into his shell. Alex nodded.

“No problem bro. I’ll be around.” They had finally reached the Cidersap forest. The porch light was still on, as well as the lights in Jas’s bedroom. Shane knew their time was up, but as Alex turned to go, his arm shot out, almost of it’s own accord.

“I- have you ever, uh, been down to the lake dock? At night, I mean,” he stuttered. Alex pursed his lips and shook his head. “Let me go inside, I’ll grab us some sodas or something. We can go hang out there. If you want,” he finished lamely, face and ears heating. Damn the drink, it was making him soft. “I mean. You probably have to go home, it’s late-“

“Nah, I don’t,” Alex said, smiling. “Lake sounds nice. Can’t remember the last time I was out at night.” Shane nodded, swallowing on a dry throat.

“Cool, cool. Um. Be right back out, you can- I mean, you can come in, if you want-“

“It’s a nice night. You go say goodnight to Jas, and Miss Agnes for me,” he grinned wider, and Shane scoffed in spite of his embarrassment.

“Ah, I see now, you’re just avoiding the wife.”

“Bingo,” Alex replied, shooting him a finger gun. Shane chuckled in response, heading into the house. He went through part of his usual nighttime routine- banked the fire, did a quick sweep of the henhouse- before he knocked softly on Jas’s door, opening after her little “mhm!”. Her bedside lamp was on, and she had assembled a quorum of her dolls on her bed, where they were poring over a book of fairy tales.

“How was your night?” Shane asked, leaning against the doorframe. She smiled back.

“It was good. The new episode of Rainbow Prism Girl was all filler though,” she scoffed, wrinkling her nose. “But. Better than stinky dungeon skeletons.” Shane chuckled in response.

“You should get some sleep,” he said, looking at the time. She nodded back, already returning to her book.

“I will. One more chapter. Goodnight Duckduck,” she said, snuggling deeper into her covers.

“Goodnight, Goose,” he replied, closing the door behind him as he left. Then, he grabbed a six-pack of soda from the fridge and headed back out to Alex, whose arms were draped over the fence, looking at the cows. Shane turned off the porch light behind him to preserve their night vision, and Alex dropped his arms off the fence and walked beside him as Shane walked towards the lake.

“Hey, weird question- do cows really have best friends? I read somewhere that they’re intensely social animals,” Alex asked, his hands in his pockets.

“They are,” Shane replied, trying not to ogle the man’s biceps. “They like hanging out with each other. We had to send Jessica out to the ferrier’s once and Lorna refused to leave the barn for the full two days. She’s fine now,” he added, seeing Alex’s forehead wrinkle. “Are you cold? I could grab a coat-“

“Nah, I run hot,” Alex replied, smiling. “Thanks though.”

The lake appeared in front of them, and Shane pointed at the dock. They made their way towards it in companionable quiet, broken up by the calls of an owl gliding overhead. The old wood creaked beneath the weight of their feet as they walked to the end of the dock; Shane sat first, pulling his knee in close and wrapping his other leg around it. Alex sat beside him heavily, pulling off his sneakers and socks and dipping his feet in the cold water with a groan. Shane cracked open two of the sodas, handing one to Alex, who smiled in thanks.

“It is really nice out here at night,” he remarked, taking a sip of the can.

“It is. I come out here sometimes to- uh, get out of the house,” he stuttered, taking a long pull of the soda. Alex snorted.

“You can say drink. I’m not fragile about it. I just don’t do it.”

“Yeah, but, y’know. I don’t want…” you to think less of me, he thought, but shook his head. “To trigger you. That’s all.”

“S’all good,” Alex replied with a stretch, setting his soda down next to him and grinning over at Shane. Shane smiled quickly in response, then looked back out to the water quickly, watching the pond’s mirrored surface ripple as small fish darted to the surface, snatching bugs before darting back down. “Y’ever go swimming out here?” Alex continued. Shane blinked and took another drink.

“Not for a long time,” he replied. “Since I was a kid and would spend summers out here.”

“You wanna swim?” Shane’s head whipped towards Alex’s, who wore a devious grin.

“The water’s cold as hell,” he said with a chuckle of disbelief. “And neither one of us has-“

“Come on,” Alex encouraged, standing up and pulling off his shirt. “It’ll be good for you. We all gotta be a little reckless sometimes.”

“Plus, who knows what kind of fish are in this lake at night,” Shane continued, his mouth going dry as he watched Alex strip down to his boxers. “Could be eels. Bass. Jellyfish. Sharks.”

“Ah yeah, those freshwater sharks,” Alex snorted, stretching out his gloriously tanned arms, exposing his chest to the night air. “C’mon bro, I’m gonna feel all awkward if I’m the only one getting naked.”

“Somehow, I doubt you have the capacity to be awkward,” Shane replied, but set down his soda can and started pulling off his hoodie. He hesitated for a moment at his sleeve. It was fine, Alex had already seen it, he had no more secrets- Well, that wasn’t true. He just didn’t have that particular secret to hide from Alex any longer. Not allowing himself any more hesitation, he pulled off his hoodie, keeping his eyes over at Alex to distract himself. This decision proved a smart one, as it gave him enough time to scramble out of the way of the wave that he caused as he jumped in, then resurfaced, cackling like a madman.

“Hurry up, bro!” he called, flipping his head out of his eyes. “It’s surprisingly nice!” Shane smirked, shedding his shirt and pants before he had time to feel self-conscious, then leapt in.

It was not surprisingly nice. It wasn’t nice at all. The water was freezing, and his teeth chattered as he surfaced.

“Y-you asshole,” he chattered, shoving his hand at Alex and dousing the laughing moron. “It’s f-fucking fre-eezing!”

“It’s good for you, builds the immune system,” Alex replied, floating on his back and baring his chest to the air. “Old guys do Polar Bear Plunges all the time. ‘Sides, it’s not even that cold.”

“S-says you,” Shane chattered in response, shoving at his smug form again. His hands brushed Alex’s bare waist, feeling the heat radiate off of him, and Alex shot up a foot off the water in response, screeching.

“BRO! Your fingers are like ice!” he splashed Shane to get him away rom him, who now laughed in response.

“Oh, n-now it’s too cold?” he asked, pushing off the lake bottom and rocketing towards the bigger man. His icicle-like fingers found purchase on Alex’s back, who grabbed his hands and yelled and giggled in turn.

“Bro! Your blood must be like syrup, what is UP with your circulation-” the two fought playfully in the cold water, Shane poking at the defensive man until they were both laughing and panting, Alex holding Shane’s wrists up and away from himself, chest to chest. Alex’s warmth radiated against Shane, and he found himself smiling up at the taller man’s face. Alex grinned down at him, then stuck out his tongue. “What now, ice-hands?” In response, Shane’s smile became sinister, and he lashed out with his leg, catching Alex’s ankle. Between the mossy rocks at the bottom of the lake and his balance already being split between holding Shane up and holding himself up, his mouth formed an ‘o’ of surprise as he tipped in and became fully submerged under the icy water. He rose, sputtering, scrunching his nose up at Shane’s laughter. Then, with a wordless shout, he tackled the smaller man down, wrapping his arms around his side in a classic Gridball manuever. Shane went underwater, still laughing under the other man’s weight and warmth. He had been cold before, yes, but even in the icy water, something about Alex’s warmth- not even just his physical warmth, but his actions, his emotional warmth, his willingness to continue to take care of him even after Shane had pushed him away- allowed him to be comfortable, to take some of that warmth into himself. They rose together from under the water sputtering and shoving at each other good-naturedly, both with huge, glinting smiles under hair plastered to their heads. Alex’s hands still held Shane’s, enveloping his. “At least you’re warming up now,” he commented, squeezing down his hands and arms to his shoulders and very naturally pulling the smaller man against him into a wet embrace. “Told you the cold was good for you.” His voice rumbled in his chest against Shane’s ear, and he relaxed into him, letting the heat sink into his skin.

“Nah, you’re the one warming me up,” his traitorous heart spoke faster than his brain could stop it, and he mentally cringed, ready to back away- but Alex just laughed and pulled him even tighter against.

“So what you’re saying is, if I dunk you again-” Alex started, and Shane started to fight against him, finally ending up pushing both of them over into the lake. They both rose apart, giggling like children. Alex went to shove him in retribution when he yelped, shooting away towards the dock. “Bro I swear, something just brushed my leg-” It was all he had to say, and within a blink of an eye both of them were on top of the dock, breathing hard, looking down into the water.

An old boot surfaced, kicked up by the roughhousing, and they both giggled awkwardly. With boxers plastered to their thighs, a cold wind blew, and they both shivered.

“My p-place? T-towels?” Shane chattered, and Alex wordlessly nodded before they both gathered their clothes and waddled awkwardly towards the promise of warmth.

Chapter Text

Marnie still hadn’t returned home when they arrived, waddling awkwardly with their boxers plastered to their thighs, holding their clothes in bundles away from their bodies so as not to get them wet. Shane set his on the kitchen counter and grabbed towels from the hall closet, throwing one to Alex after he set down his own clothes. They shivered together in the kitchen, trying to dry off as fast as possible.

“H-hay room,” Shane shivered, his teeth chattering, and waddled off to the room in front of Jas’s bedroom. The fire had been banked, but he bent over and stoked it up, adding another log for good measure. The room was always hot and dry, and the fire crackled merrily as he added wood to it, seeming to penetrate the cold layer on his skin. Alex plopped in beside him, his feet making wet noises on the wood floor, and sighed in relief.

“Good idea bro,” he said, brushing some hay off of a stool and putting it behind Shane, then grabbing one for himself. They knelt close by the warm fireplace, alternating using the towel and holding their hands out to the fire.

“U-unlike jumping in a half-frozen lake at n-night,” Shane chattered, still shivering, but smirking at Alex to show he was joking. Alex responded with his wide smile.

“Hey, I stand by my decision,” he replied, bumping Shane’s knee with his own. Shane felt his face heating, and he leaned away from the fire, letting the blush die down. “‘Sides,” Alex continued, toweling down his hair, “I like spending time with you.”

“You do?” Shane asked, pulling his own towel around himself and hunching in. “Why?”

“Idunno,” Alex replied, and scooted his stool closer to Shane’s until their shoulders touched. Shane fought against his flinch and let their shoulders touch. Alex did run hot, he hadn’t lied, and he fought the urge to press himself further against the other man. “You used to play Gridball, right?” Alex continued, tone cautious. “For Zuzu High?”

“Yeah,” Shane replied, trying to keep himself light. The once-comforting heat of the room felt dry. He was suddenly very thirsty.

“Well, when I had to stop- I mean, after I stopped playing, I really missed the boys, the bros. The team. We were all, like, rough with each other, but we were real close, y’know? Like,” he laughed, running his hand through his hair at the memory, and Shane swallowed at the sight of the firelight on the muscles of his neck. “I remember once at an away game, the second bus broke down and we all double and triple-sat the seats so the band kids could get on. We were all basically on top of each other, but we didn’t mind, and these two guys, they started-“ he was laughing too hard to talk, and he waved his hand away. Shane felt himself smiling. Alex’s enery was infectious. “We were always doing shit like that- sitting on each other’s laps, hugging each other as much as we tackled each other. The ElCrosse team started rumors that we were all gay.” He chuckled at this, and Shane went cold, licking his lips.

“What did, ah. What did you all say?”

“Oh, we didn’t care. Some of us were, I think- Randall might have been, and Conrad had a boyfriend and was fully out. But it wasn’t like it mattered, it wasn’t like it was an insult.” He pursed his lips in thought, and Shane leaned against him, heavy with relief. Even knowing that small part alleviated some of the guilt on his heart. “Y’know it pry didn’t help that we all went to the prom together. We had a contest for who could have the best prom-posal- anyway,” he said, waving his hand, “not the point. I just…” he trailed off, looking into the fire. “I miss the closeness, y’know? The contact. The touch. I thought that, since you were a gridball player, you might miss it too. You’ve always seemed a little lonely, bro.” He bumped Shane with his shoulder, and Shane pressed back, ducking his head to hide his blush.

“So you like hanging out with me because of pity, huh?” Shane remarked, going for a joke but landing a little flat when his voice cracked. Goddamn heat. His throat was dry, maybe if he could just have a drink-

“Nah. Just thought you were like a… iunno, a kindred spirit,” Alex replied, glancing down at him with a small smile. The admission made Shane’s heart skip a beat, and he hid his fluster with a snort.

“Really? A hot, popular, athletic guy like you, lonely? Somehow I doubt it,” he chided, bumping against Alex a little harder than he usually would. Alex laughed in response and gripped Shane’s shoulder, pulling him in.

“You think I’m hot?” He asked, wiggling his eyebrows. Shane groaned and leaned his head back against Alex’s arm. The most selfish part of him reveled in the bigger man’s touch, the feeling of his warmth around him.

“Really, that’s what you focused on?” He replied drily, shoving against his bicep but not pulling away. The other man’s eyebrows waggled again, undeterred, and Shane snorted a laugh. “Narcissist,” he accused, but Alex just laughed and drew him in alongside, pressing their bare torsos together. Shane wanted to recoil, to pull away, but Alex was warm, the room was cozily lit, and there was a warmth in him like something was melting, so he gave in and wrapped his other arm around Alex, holding them together. Alex sucked in air through his teeth.

“Yoba, your hands are still so cold-“ Alex yipped, and Shane went to recoil, but Alex’s hand wrapped around his own and pinned them to his side, rubbing over Shane’s frigid skin with his palm. “Seriously man, you should get your blood checked-“

“You just checked my blood,” Shane reminded him.

“Yeah, but like, your circulation-“

“I run cold,” Shane taunted him, pressing his other fingers into Alex’s other side side, who jumped. The stool slid out from underneath him and he toppled to the ground, his head coming to land on one of the soft bales of drying hay. Shane swore. “I’m so sorry, are you-“ his next words were cut off by a yelp as Alex pulled him down, toppling him off-balance and onto the larger man’s chest, splaying ungracefully. Alex was laughing, and Shane snorted and pushed off of him, laughing as well. His hand stayed on Alex’s broad shoulder, and Alex’s own hands went around Shane’s waist, steadying him. They burned as they clutched his bare skin, and he tensed, feeling the heat from Alex’s hands tracing up his body, through his blood, like a flush or a fire spreading. Alex’s eyes locked with his own, inches apart, and he felt drawn in. The larger man’s hands pressed him down, closer, and his lips parted slightly. Shane closed his eyes-

“Why are you being so loud?” A small voice asked behind him. Shane jumped up, springing guiltily away from Alex, who only sat up straighter, his smile lighting up his face. Jas stood in her doorway, clutching a doll- Miss Agnes, he realized- and rubbing her eye sleepily.

“Sorry Goose,” Shane apologized. “We fell over.”

“Just playing,” Alex explained quickly, a hand out as though to reassure her. Jas scowled.

“Well keep the noise down, you woke up Miss Agnes,” she grumped, holding out the doll. Both of the men sheepishly grinned.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Alex schmoozed, standing up and gathering both the girl and the doll in his arms. “Why don’t we set you back to bed and then Shane and I will be quieter and leave you two to your beauty rest?”
Jas frowned even harder, but allowed Alex to set her back in her bed, tucking both her and the doll in. Shane watched them with an unfamiliar twist in his chest. He was thirsty. And half-naked, he realized. He left them both to it and went back into the kitchen, retrieving his clothes and pulling his shirt on automatically. It had been years since someone besides himself, Jodie or Marnie had put her to bed, maybe since-

“Real spitfire when you wake her up, eh?” Alex said, his voice a little lower.

“Yeah, she takes after her mom that way,” Shane replied, handing him back his shirt from the pile of his clothes on the table. “I could never wake Jenna up without getting cussed out. Even Andrew couldn’t get her up too early in the morning,” he remarked, smiling at the memory. “She never bit me, though.”

“What, she bit Andrew?” Alex asked, pulling on his shirt. Shane laughed.

“So many times,” he chuckled, walking to the fridge. “She got him so badly on the shoulder once, that…” he trailed off, staring into the fridge. Behind him, Alex stood motionless, leaning against the wall, trying to appear casual. Shane’s mouth went dry. The beer in the fridge beckoned him forward as the memories came crashing down, threatening to drown him. “You should go,” he croaked, pulling one of the beers out and setting it on the counter behind the fridge, where Alex couldn’t see. “It’s getting late.”

Chapter Text

Alex desperately tried to remain casual- despite this, he was almost sure Shane could hear the rapid beating of his heart. Shane NEVER talked about Jas’s parents. Ever. It was one of the many mysteries of the town, and one that Alex had been extremely curious about, especially after spending time with Jas. She was a sweet, sensitive girl, with a crazy imagination and a wicked sense of humor buried underneath her shyness- and she got it from her mother? Alex bunched up his athletic pants in his hands awkwardly, swallowing his heartbeat and plastering on a weak smile.

“Yeah, it’s getting late,” he agreed. High. Light. Keep your voice easy, don’t spook him. Shane was hunched over, trying to hide the fact that he had pulled a cheap beer out of the fridge. His shoulders were drawn in, forehead crinkled in a wince, and Alex had the strangest compulsion to draw him in again, to smooth the crease away. Earlier, with Shane’s hand planted on his pec and Alex’s hands on his soft waist, steadying him, he had gotten the same compulsion. He twisted the fabric in his hands, unused to the hum he felt in his gut when he thought of Shane, like a guitar string after it was plucked. “Thanks for hanging out,” he said, more to fill the quiet than anything else. Shane still leaned away from him, but at least turned and gave him a tight smile.

“Yeah. Thank you for…Shoving me into an ice-cold lake at midnight.”

“Shoving,” Alex scoffed, back on more solid footing. Ribbing, he could do. “You jumped in after me,” he argued quietly, picking Shane’s jeans up off the table and tossing them at him. Shane chuckled in response, catching them and setting them to the side- hiding the beer- before turning to him fully. A shadow still eclipsed his expression, though of what Alex couldn’t say, but at least he stood a little easier. Yoba above, he wanted to press, but. He knew that Shane was likely done sharing for the night. He had asked a lot of him, pressed a lot of his boundaries, and that moment earlier- Alex shook his head and pasted a grin on, spreading his arms. “Hug goodnight?”

Shane rolled his eyes, but without vitriol, and took the few steps across the kitchen and towards Alex.

“You and your hugs,” he chided as he wrapped his arms around Alex’s waist, making a little ‘ooph’ sound as Alex pulled him in closer.

“You like it,” Alex teased as he squeezed him once, then released. Shane chuckled.

“Sure. But my Gridball team was never so cuddly. Good to know the culture’s changed, I guess.”

“No?” Alex asked, pulling on his athletic sweats over his boxers. Shane shook his head and crossed his arms, eyes on the ground.

“Nah. Be too touchy and they’d just call you a faggot,” he said, trying for a light tone but voice cracking on the last word. Alex flinched at the slur, but shrugged it off.

“I’m sorry,” he said, meaning it. “Yeah. Culture’s come a long way.” They stood in awkward silence for a few moments, Alex not wanting to leave. There was something very raw about Shane’s admission, that and the story he had told before, the tidbits about Andrew and Jenna- who he had to assume were Jas’s parents. Shane sniffed and stepped back towards the fridge, clearing his throat quietly.

“Get home safe,” Shane mumbled, turning away from him and grabbing the beer from the counter behind the fridge.

“Yeah, I will,” Alex agreed, heading towards the front door. “Pry see you tomorrow?”

“Nah. Chores day,” Shane replied curtly, already halfway inside his room. The door closed, shutting Alex out completely, and silence fell in, broken only by the hum of the fridge. Alex sighed and ran his hands through his hair, frustrated. How could Shane be so open one moment and so closed-off the next? Why did he run so hot and cold? How could he convince that frustrating man to trust him? He worried his lip between his teeth as he slipped his shoes on and quietly left, closing the door behind him.

The night seemed colder than it had been, almost like he had left some of his heat behind. He shivered and hurried down the path back to his grandparent’s house, stepping into the shadows to let a giggling Marnie and Lewis pass him. A little jolt of happiness burned through him as he watched the older couple struggle drunkenly home, clutching each other for balance and tripping the other more than they helped. At least someone’s happy, he thought.

The thought was like a bucket of water poured over him, and he stumbled back onto the path, reeling. Why did he want that kind of happiness? He hadn’t wanted a relationship since his relationship with Hayley fizzled out- he didn’t even want that relationship, if he was being brutally honest with himself. It had made sense at the time- he was the Gridball Keeperback, she was the head cheerleader. Prom King and Queen. It seemed inevitable, like something they were supposed to do, so they had done it. He had posed for every picture she wanted to take, bought a boutonniere and corsage that matched her prom dress. They had planned on going to Zuzu State together, before the custody thing came out and Alex had had to move out here.

Now, looking back on it, it seemed so false, so forced. Hayley hadn’t known anything about what he had been dealing with at home- he had never shared his academic struggles with her, not the way he had shared it with his Gridball team and the guys.

His mind reeled. When he had talked to his therapist about his and Hayley’s relationship failing, he had interpreted his therapist’s reaction as it being a natural part of his upbringing- he didn’t know how functional relationships worked, so there was no way he could have one until he had one modeled for him. That was what part of living with Gram and Gramps was- learning what a healthy relationship looked like.

What if there was more to it? What if there was a simpler, more obvious reason that he had never been interested in any other girls in school, or had been able to make it work with Hayley?

As he walked out of the Cidersap forest, he watched Emily wave good-night to Sam and unlock her door. Sam did the chin-nod of acknowledgement as he passed, and Alex nodded back, distracted, heading for at Emily. She smiled as he approached her and stopped, shock still, standing awkwardly close, his chest heaving. Emily blinked a few times, then smiled warily.

“Alex? You doing okay?”

“Emily, am I gay?”

Chapter Text

“Emily, am I gay?”

Emily stopped in the doorway, her keys hanging from the lock. A crystal keychain dangled, catching the light from the porch and sending shafts of colored light onto her hand and body. She blinked a few times, then grasped Alex’s arm.

“We need tea for this,” she said, pulling Alex inside and closing the door behind him.

“I just, I think-“ he started, but she cut him off.

“Honey, did something happen with Shane?” She asked, her voice gentle yet firm. He shook his head, confused.

“N-no-“Alex protested as she led him by his forearms to sit in one of her large, plush armchairs before disappearing into the kitchen, still talking.

“Because if Shane did something, it’s okay to be confused-“

“No. Emily, we didn’t-“ Alex replied, running his hand through his hair in an effort to calm down. The sound of glasses clinked in the kitchen.

“Okay, and it’s okay if something happened-“ she continued, and Alex looked towards the kitchen, eyebrows furrowed.

“Nothing happened.”

“And it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, I don’t need to know what he did, specifically-“

“Wait, why would Shane do-?”

“This is definitely a tea situation. And citrine. Tea and citrine,” She re-appeared, carrying a tray with a steaming pot of tea, two teacups, and a large bowl of what appeared to be sugar lumps, but on closer inspection, was filled with crystals. “That is a big question, and it’s not one you can ask other people about yourself,” she said, setting the tray down on the coffee table and sitting across from him, clasping her hands. “It’s something that you know, intrinsically, through a long journey of meditation and self-reflection.”

“Then why were you asking about if Shane did anything?”

“Because I was- I’m just making sure, I didn’t want Shane to have done something, and then you-“

“He’s not like that,” Alex snapped, balling his fists. Emily blinked, hands freezing on the teapot. Breathe. Slower. Lighter. Softer. Alex unclenched his fists. “He’s not like that.”

“I didn’t think he was,” Emily agreed, placatingly, swirling the teapot. “But alcohol has a way of making people do things they normally wouldn’t, and I just wanted to make-“

“That’s bullshit, Emily,” Alex snapped again, standing. “If you don’t trust Shane, then say that you don’t trust Shane, but this isn’t about him. This has nothing to do with him.” His chest heaved, and he crossed his arms, flushing with embarrassment. “I just- I want to know. If I’m- you know.”

“Alex, I can’t tell you that,” Emily replied, gently, hands in plain sight. He had caused that, he realized, and flushed deeper, relaxing enough to sit back down. The rush of adrenaline that came with anger left him, and he groaned, burying his head in his hands.

“I’m sorry, Emily, I’m-“

“No, no, you’re right,” she soothed, clinking the teapot against the cups. “I’m biased against Shane. I tried to help him before and couldn’t, and I think I still carry that weight with me. That’s something I have to deal with,” she agreed, shrugging when Alex looked up. “I’m bringing my personal bias in. I was just worried- anyway. It doesn’t matter. Now. We have tea, we have citrine. I want you to drink your tea, and think about what you really wan-“

“Okay, what is happening?” An irritated voice asked, furred with sleep. Hayley appeared in her doorway, hair rumpled, a face mask up on her forehead. ‘Annoyed’ didn’t even begin to cover the look in her eyes. Emily’s smile grew wider, a little more forced.

“Sorry Hales,” she said, wincing. “We’ll keep it down. Alex came to me with a deep-“

“Hayley, am I gay?” Alex asked, cutting her off.

“Yeah,” Hayley answered, grumpily. “So, like actually, keep it down, okay?” She turned and slammed her door shut. Alex sat back, stunned. Emily sighed.

“Dammit, I had a whole th-“

“Actually, now I’m invested,” Hayley said again, coming back out and whipping her sleep mask off her forehead. “Did you seriously not know?” She asked Alex, standing in front of him with her arms crossed over a baggy t-shirt emblazoned with the name of their high school.

“N-no,” Alex responded. He still held the teacup, he realized, and he took a sip, woodenly. On some level, he registered that it was green tea, but it just tasted like leaf juice. Hayley kept talking, coming around to sit next to Emily.

“Because like. In high school, there were all these rumors about everyone on the Gridball team because of that Prom stunt in Sophomore year-“

“It was a joke-“ he mumbled helplessly, but she continued.

“So like, I figured you were just closeted, y’know? And wanted to like, blend in. But then your dad was such a fucking douchebag about everything-“

“Hales-“ Emily said, putting her hand on Hayley’s arm, who picked up Emily’s tea.

“And like, even when we fucked that one time in the back of your friend’s truck you couldn’t- mm, Emily this is yummy, is this the jade tips?”

“It is,” Emily replied, brightening. “I thought it would pair well with the citrine for a journey of SELF discovery, not a journey of ‘your-ex-tells-you-your-sexuality’ discovery-“

“Omg, don’t even start, as if you gave me time before-“

Alex’s mind scrambled as he zoned out of the conversation, the noise in his head becoming louder and harder to ignore. He was gay? What did this mean? Did he have to pursue men now, or could he be bisexual, or did he have to follow any urges at all? Did he have to tell people? Yoba, what would Gramps think? Was he still allowed to be a CNA if he was gay? Did he have to tell Henry? Maru? How long could he keep this a secret? And Shane, what about-

A gentle hand touched his and he flinched away, reverting to an old, old instinct from when he lived with his dad. Emily’s eyes went wide with hurt, and he cringed.

“I’m sorry,” he apologized. Light. Easy. Breathe from your stomach, not your throat. Unclench your hands. He had a death grip on the teacup, he realized, and set it down gently. At some point he had drained the last of the tea, leaving only the dregs and leaves. Emily gingerly lifted the cup away from him, turning it in her hands.

“Are you okay?” She asked, and not from the first time from her tone. Hayley was quiet, perched beside Emily, but assessed him nonetheless with her piercing blue eyes. Alexed gulped and nodded, putting his hands through his hair.

“I think- I think I will be,” he replied. “It’s just a lot.”

“Well, if it’s any comfort, your leaves are looking really positive,” Emily offered, looking at his teacup with a critical eye. “Starfruit means wealth and joy. Wish fulfillment.”

“I don’t even know what I want,” Alex groaned, burying his head in his hands and resting his elbows on his knees. “I had a plan. I have a plan. This-“ he gestured to himself, his heart, “all of this? It wasn’t on the plan. None of it was.”

“It doesn’t have to be,” Hayley remarked, refilling Emily’s- now her- teacup. “I’m a lesbian and still graduated with my associate’s.”

“Exactly, and I’m demisexual,” Emily added. “It doesn’t change who we are day to day. It’s just who we would want to date that changes. And if you don’t want to date anyone, you don’t have to.” She took the full teacup from Hayley and had a sip, then handed it back.

“Hayley…?” Alex asked, his voice soft and high.

“Yep,” Hayley confirmed, drinking her tea. “Remember Tracie Williams? We totally dated. Are you and Shane…?”

“No,” Alex responded, knee-jerkingly. Automatically.

“Do you want to be?” Her tone was teasing, but Alex hesitated. Did he want more than whatever they had? Did he want a relationship? He thought about how he felt when he saw Lewis and Marnie stumbling down the pathway, giggling, their arms wrapped around each other. Emily and Hayley watched him, their silence deafening. At once, they both covered their mouths, eyes going wide. Alex stood up.

“I can’t- this is a lot,” he said, hands going up in front of himself automatically.

“You’re right, I’m sorry-“ Emily started, wringing her hands, and Hayley snorted.

“I’m not, this was a long time coming-“ she said at the same time, setting back into the couch.

“I’m going to sleep on this,” Alex announced with finality, starting towards the door. Emily walked beside him, ignoring Hayley, who was still giggling to herself on the couch.

“Alex, I didn’t mean to ambush you with this-“ she started, and he waved her away. The door was five steps away. Four steps.

“-but maybe it’s a good thing, it’ll be a good start for your next chapter-“

Three steps. Two.

“Just go home and sleep, masturbate on it, it’ll all sink in over the next few days.”

Alex’s face flushed at the word, and he swore the ambient temperature rose. His gait faltered for a moment, and he almost tripped over his own feet, catching himself on the wall next to the door.

“Emily!” He exclaimed, forgetting his mantras. “You don’t just-!”

“What?” She asked, seeming shocked by his reaction. “It can take a while for these things to sink in, don’t be surprised if-“

“No, Emily! You don’t just!” He dropped his voice to a whisper, bending down a little. “You don’t talk about… that! People shouldn’t do that-“

“Alex, I don’t-“

“Mastrubat- you don’t!” He hissed, his voice dropping even quieter. She blinked up at him a few times, fingers going to her lips.

“Alex… do you not-?”

“No, of course not!” He hissed again, eyes shifting furtively to Hayley, who was peering over at them curiously. “Nobody does, it can cause damage-“

“Alex, Alex, okay. Okay, hold on,” Emily said, shaking her head and settling her stance. “Wow. Okay. Alex, it’s-“ she took a deep breath, then shook her head. “Yoba. Okay. We have a lot to unravel, but, it’s late, and- I don’t want to make you feel more uncomfortable. But, can you come over tomorrow?” Alex swallowed, still beet-red, and glanced over to Hayley, who was settled back into the couch, pouring herself another cup of tea. Emily followed his gaze. “It can just be you and me, okay?” Alex swallowed again and ran his fingers through his hair, nodding. His face was hot to the touch; all he could hear was a buzzing and ringing in his ears.

“Yeah, okay,” he mumbled, sweaty hands slipping on the doorknob. “G’night.” He threw the door open and all but ran into the cold night air, breathing it in with undisguised relief. The rapid pace he set soon took him to his door, but he bypassed it, heading towards the bridge to Joja. Once there, he spread his hands on the cold stone, trying to ground himself.

People didn’t- do that, right? He had only tried once, when he had been a teenager and trying-
and his dad had thrown the door open and beat him within an inch of his life. It was the first time he had gone to school with visible bruises- his buddy had asked if he was practicing for the Gridball tryouts, and he had said yes, panicking. Nobody could know- because if someone had looked into his life, they would have taken him away, and his mom still needed him to take care of her. He breathed slow and deep, trying to muscle down the rising panic attack. Focus. Deep breaths. Concentrate on your surroundings.

The night air was cool and calm. A gentle breeze followed the river down from the mountains, bringing with it the smell of melting snow, wet earth and cold water. The stone bridge under his hands was rough and cold, and he pressed his palms into the corner, rolling the callouses on his fingers over the bumps and grooves in the rock. Long breath in. Hold. Long breath out.

He was in Pelican town. He was safe.

He was also gay. And possibly had a crush on Shane.

He groaned.

Chapter Text

Chapter 16

Shane didn’t sleep well that night.

Not that he slept well any night that he thought of Jas’s parents, but laced with the memory of Alex’s hot hands on his body, the brush and feel of his smooth skin in the lake, the smell of him when Alex had pulled him close- he took another draft of beer, grunting when he realized it was empty, then cracked another one. It was well past two in the morning- Marnie and Lewis were in for the night, he had heard their muffled giggles and stifled hushes as they had come in- and they had gone to sleep an hour or two before. It was just him and the staticky tube TV, muted, playing the opening of Race-Paced on a loop. The words “START” and “QUIT” were burned into the cheap glass of the screen, it had been left on so often, and he drained half the beer, looking at it.

It had been secondhand of secondhand when they brought it back to their first shitty apartment in Zuzu city and hooked it up to the Gamestation. Jenna was the one who had found it in a pawn shop and brought it home, giggling like a maniac. Race-Paced was the only game they had for a long, long time, and the two, freshly 18 and on their own for the first time, stayed up too late playing and drinking and being as free as they had promised each other they would be once they moved out. For four years it was just the two of them, their shitty TV in their shitty studio apartment with two twin beds and milk crates with textbooks and beer bottles. Those had been the good years, the summer years, when they were out from under their father’s thumbs and the world was theirs for the taking. They were free, immortal, young and happy. Poor, yes; hungry, most of the time; but they were happy. They had each other and their friends, a non-stop party coming in and out of the tiny apartment, bringing weed, booze, magic vials that changed color based on who was holding them. Jenna was the one who fell in love. Jenna was the one who-

He nudged the tv with his foot, hitting the power button and submerging himself in the quiet dark. Early spring crickets chirped outside his window, and he drained the rest of the can, trying to get to that fuzzy, liminal space between here and there, the spot where he could float, unbothered. It took more and more to get him there every time, and he knew that this was how it started. The road down. Somehow, as he cracked another can, he couldn’t bring himself to care.

The pain in his chest only grew as he drank, and he clutched at the base of his throat, the emptiness threatening to swallow him, threatening to choke. For stolen moments, he thought of the feel of Alex’s chest underneath his hands, the younger man’s touch fire-hot on his sides, his back-

The guilt welled in his chest. He couldn’t let it happen again. But he couldn’t stop thinking of the other man’s touch, so gentle from such a muscular hand, how he had looked when he had said he liked spending time with him, like Shane wasn’t a burden. Like he wasn’t something to be ashamed of.

Shane gritted his teeth and drunkenly fumbled through his bedside drawer for a few moments, fingers numb, blind in the darkness. Finally, he felt the hard plastic sides and found what he had been looking for- a pushpin. He moaned in relief and flopped back on the bed, narrowly avoiding banging his head on the headboard, and jammed the pushpin into the pocket of his sweatpants, point-side down, before pulling his hand out and pressing down on his thigh.

The sting brought with it a sense of relief, a momentary surge of dopamine that brought tears to his eyes. Mercy. He had never been able to find peace in prayer, meditation or any of the other crap that was peddled- but when grief and fury threatened to swallow him whole, when the darkness pressed up against the window and scratched at the windowpane, he had no other avenue. Who would listen to him, if he talked? He couldn’t afford therapy. Nobody in town cared enough about the town drunk to take notice. Except…

He pressed down on his thigh again as Alex’s brown eyes and smile flashed in his mind’s eye. No. Stop it. He had to stop himself before he corrupted Alex, just as he had corrupted Andrew. Anyone he got close to got stained, the light inside them dimming as Shane rubbed off on them- his negativity, the pain and sadness that threatened his sanity every day biting off chunks of their hearts until they were just as angry and bitter as he was. He pressed against his thigh again and laid back, waiting for the dopamine to pick up the drunk and-

There it was. His arms and legs went limp as the last beer finally caught up to him, and his eyes lolled. He could sleep now.

He did. But it was fitful, full of dreams of dark, smiling eyes and warm, gentle hands that left him hollow and guilty when he woke.

Chapter Text

Alex’s finals week was going VERY well. He had his nose to the grindstone and was studying diligently between workout sessions. He had even had a phone call with his former coach in preparation for Tunnelers Tryouts, and had immediately implemented an additional training regimen that required him to run twice as far as he had been in the mornings- and if that meant that he happened to run past Shane twice on his way to work, then that was pure coincidence. They had nodded to each other, Alex leaving his earbuds in and jogging on by, once when Shane left his house and again when he crossed the bridge to Joja.

And if the two of them had a short conversation about nothing, mentioned the weather or asked about Jas, confirmed plans for Friday, then who was he to not talk? It would be rude.

But he was far too busy to meet up with Emily. Far too busy. Which was why when she showed up to his door on Thursday afternoon, he greeted her with a polite smile and a book in his hand.

“Emily, bro, I’m so sorry, I’ve been so busy with finals and-“

“Your last final was this morning, you did great on everything because I helped you prepare, and now you’re going to go with me on a walk!” She sang merrily, shoving past him into the house. “Hi Ethel!”

“Emily, so lovely to see you,” Grandma replied, drying her hands on a towel as she left the kitchen to greet her guest. They exchanged cheek kisses and Emily gave her a gentle hug. “He did so well this week, we can’t thank you enough for all of your help,” Ethel continued, taking Emily’s hands and squeezing them. Emily blushed.

“He’s the one who did all the hard work- I’m just happy to have helped,” she schmoozed, squeezing Ethel’s hands back. “I’m going to whisk him away for the afternoon for a beach picnic, is that okay?”

“Please, go,” Ethel replied, waving her hands and heading back to the kitchen. “He’s been cooped up too long on that computer. Youth is for the young.” Emily smiled at her and then spun to Alex, a triumphant gleam in her eyes.

“No excuses now,” she sang, grabbing Alex by the wrist and dragging him away, much to Ethel’s cackling delight. He managed to wheedle his way into changing quickly into a pair of board shorts and sweater, grabbing his sunscreen and a towel before Emily shooed him along. Before Alex was ready for it, they were on the beach, enjoying a strange spring day.

Pelican Town wasn’t a tropical paradise beach like Ginger Island- rather, it was temperate, lending itself to bright sunshine and blisteringly cold winds. Emily situated them on the end of the dock, shucking her sandals and letting the waves kiss her feet as she dangled them off the edge. Alex had a great view of the pier and the sea- so he could guarantee their privacy, he realized, seeing Emily’s reasoning behind their impromptu picnic. She sighed and smiled into the sunlight.

“I know this won’t be an easy talk, but thank you for meeting with me.”

“You’re acting like you gave me a choice-“ Alex muttered, but cut off when Emily shot him a look.

“I gave you some time. But I know this is… uncomfortable. But it’s important,” she emphasized, pulling a thermos and two camping cups out of her bag. She poured some green tea into a cup and handed it to Alex, then poured one for herself. She raised her cup to his in a small toast, then drank, Alex following suit. He tried to relax.

“I know. And Saturday night was… a lot,” he admitted, ears going pink. To her credit, Emily winced, looking sheepish.

“It was, and- I should have told you, I don’t- I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to romance,” she said, the admission sounding painful. “Hayley called me out on it. I had an experience with… someone… in Zuzu city, and-“ she cut herself off, taking another sip of tea. “I tend to think that people- especially people that drink- are allowed to be pushy. And it’s not their fault if they do something while they’re drinking. But.” She sighed, avoiding Alex’s eyes. “So I’m sorry for assuming things about Shane.”

“Emily, what-“ Alex started, but she clapped her hands, smiling at him. A seagull squawked at the sudden noise and flapped away.

“It doesn’t matter,” she said, brightly. “I’m not here to talk about relationship stuff, I’m here to talk to you about sex!” She said the last cheerily, spreading out her hands and wiggling her fingers to add ‘pizazz’. Alex frowned, but she waved his face away. “We’re focusing on you. You’re almost done with school, tryouts are coming up- you’re at the edge of a lot of things, and I want to make sure that we get some stuff straight- especially since you’re going into the medical field. Rule one,” she held up a finger, silencing him. “No interrupting. I’m gonna be saying some shocking things. You can ask questions. Rule two,” she continued, holding up a second finger. “No judging. This is a safe… dock,” she said, looking around. “Okay. So. The first thing is, Alex, is that masturbation is a normal and healthy thing that everyone does.”

Alex blanched and looked into the ocean, considering jumping. Emily continued.

“It’s not going to hurt you, it’s not going to damage your penis, and the only way that it would cause harm is if you use implements incorrectly or work the foreskin too hard. Are you circumcised?”

“Emily, babe, I will pay you money to stop talking” Alex muttered, face completely flushed. She did not.

“Whatever, the point is, if you’re circumcised you just need to be careful-“

What followed was the most embarrassing 45 minutes of Alex’s life, in which Emily described, in great detail, a variety of sexual facts and misconceptions. Alex slowly and cautiously became less and less embarrassed as the conversation- monologue- went on, even asking a few questions. By the end of the hour, he had mostly gotten over his initial hesitancy and was fully engaged, asking questions about sexual health and STD prevention. He had gotten some information from his classes, but there was a difference between the clinical setting of knowledge for health’s sake and the informal casualness of a conversation oceanside with a friend.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

That night, Alex sat up long after his grandparents went to bed, sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at the wall. It was a perfectly natural thing, she had said. Everyone does it. She did, Hayley did, Shane probably d-

He shook his head. Best not to think about Shane, he didn’t want to embarrass or objectify the man. Never mind that he was alone, in his own room, in his own head- somehow, he felt like he had eyes on him, like someone was watching, waiting for him to fuck up. He stood, stretching, trying to free himself of the feeling as he turned his light off.

He had already showered, brushed his teeth, shaved, done all of the normal nighttime routines that usually resulted in his falling immediately asleep. Not tonight. Tonight, he laid in bed, staring up at the cheap, sideboard ceiling of the attic, half-shaded in the dark.

Should he?

Just to try.

Tentatively, he reached down under the covers.

+=+=+=+=+=+=+

He fell asleep ten minutes later, sweating, a half-smile on his face. He hadn’t been struck down, hadn’t ripped his dick off. His dad hadn’t come charging into the room. Hell, he didn’t even feel guilty- he felt GREAT. He hadn’t thought of anything in particular, just how good it felt, the feeling of a hand over his, maybe an ice-cold one, reaching over and taking over- and that was all it had taken.

And tomorrow was Friday. Shane had no excuse not to see him.

When he woke up, the grin was still on his face.

Chapter Text

The day seemed to drag on endlessly, a slow trod from sunrise to sundown that made Alex itchy. Between tryouts for the Tunnelers tomorrow and the promise of seeing Shane after he was back from the bar, he had a lot he was looking forward to, and the crawl of the hours was nothing less than agonizing. Eventually, finally, he jogged over to Marnie’s, coming in through the door just as she was leaving.

“Evening,” he said, pulling his earbuds out of his ears. He had done a lap of the mountains down to Cidersap to kill time before he came over, and still was almost too early for politeness. Marnie smiled widely.

“Alex! Jas has been looking forward to seeing you all week,” she confided, leaning into him with a wink. “She’s got her dolls set up and ready for ‘Tea Party”.”

“Good, I’m pretty thirsty,” Alex replied, winking back. “Hey Jas!” he called in behind Marnie, who patted him on the shoulder and ducked out past him to the gathering dusk. Jas skidded around the doorway in her socks, stopping when she saw Alex.

“Hi,” she said, itching her leg with her foot. “Do you want to play Tea Party?”

“I would love to play Tea Party,” Alex replied, kneeling down and scooping her in for a hug. “I might need a shower first, though, is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Jas replied, giving him a quick squeeze and then backing up into the doorway. “You’re stinky like the barn. You go and, and shower and I’ll get ready? Okay?”

“Okay,” he replied, pulling his small drawstring bag off his back. He had put a pair of sweatpants and an extra shirt into his pack, fully anticipating needing to change after his run, and he ducked into Shane’s shower, using Shane’s bodywash to give himself a quick rinse. It was mostly gone, he realized, and he made a mental note to grab more. He used a 7-in-1 bodywash- Yoba’s sake, what were the other four uses- and Alex resolved to either get him more, or something better. Shane deserved nice things, too.

As the last touch, he pulled the rainbow-colored seashell out of his pack and strung it around his neck, wiping off the mirror to brush his hair up in it. That gave him an idea, and he made a few squeaking marks on the mirror, then stepped back to admire his handiwork.

“Alex!” Jas’s small voice squeaked from the other room, and he threw the towel over the back of the door to dry.

“Coming!” He called back, grinning. Genuinely, he loved playing with the young girl. It reminded him of simpler times, of playing pretend with his mom before she got sick- if he could give her some of those same good memories, that was all he could ask for.

=-=-=-=-=-=

When Shane got home, he was on the armchair in his room, listening to his MP3 player and dozing. He had grand designs of staying up- he slept better if he slept all at once- but Jas had discovered that he was strong enough to pick her up and let her ride on his shoulders, so his hopes of a quiet, low-key night in were quickly dashed. Nevertheless, he had something important he wanted to ask Shane, so he wanted to stay awake and wait for him to get back. Unfortunately, someone- probably Marnie, he doubted Shane would think to do it- had put a warm, soft blanket over the back of the armchair in Shane’s room. Shane’s sheets had also been cleaned and changed, but he didn’t want to sleep in Shane’s bed- it seemed like an invasion of privacy, unless he had been given express permission. Or he was there, with him. Not that he wanted to sleep with Shane in his bed- not that he didn’t, either. Flustered and embarrassed, he buried himself in the soft blanket over the armchair and put on music to distract himself from thinking of himself and Shane, but before too long, he was nodding off.

He woke to a cold hand over his arm, and he breathed in deeply, stretching and blinking up owlishly at the other man before breaking out into a smile.

“Hey,” Alex said, scruffing his hair. Bedhead. Dammit. “Sorry, I wanted to wait up for you.”

“S’okay, I’m a little later than usual,” Shane rumbled, his voice deep but clear of his usual drinks-deep mumble. Either that, or maybe he was just getting used to how the other man talked. He sat up more in the armchair and stretched as Shane went over to the bed, sitting down and taking off his boots. “You can head home now, it’s just after 11. Sorry to keep you waiting.”

“No worries,” Alex replied, scrubbing his face with his hands to try to wake up. “I actually wanted to ask you something.”

“What’s up?” Shane froze on the bed, boot still in his hand. Alex tried to smile at him without blushing.

“I, uh,” why was he stammering? He had been able to talk to Shane before. The only difference was, now he knew what was at stake. How he actually felt about the other man. “Um. I have my tryouts tomorrow, at like, 1pm in Zuzu City,” he said, clasping his hands in front of him. Did he look weird? Was that weird? What did he usually do with his hands while he talked?

“Congratulations,” Shane replied, giving him a ghost of a smile in the dim room and continuing to pull off his boots.

“I thought that maybe,” Alex continued, taking a shaking breath, “you could come?” He held his breath. A cold prickle wooshed down his neck and brought a flush to his ears. Shane stared at him. “You and Jas,” he added, chickening out at the last moment. “I was telling her about the Gridball tryouts and said I’d ask you.” That part wasn’t a lie, exactly, but omitting Jas’s enthusiasm- or lack thereof- was probably forgivable. Shane cleared his throat.

“I don’t know if that would be a good idea. I don’t- I don’t really drive, and-“

“I asked Pam if she would run the bus tomorrow,” Alex continued, the words tumbling out in a rush. “She said she could, if you needed to. She’s on call as it is, so, if you let her know ahead of time, you and Jas could take it there. If, uh, if you want to, or- I dunno. I’m sorry,” he added at the end, although what he was apologizing for he couldn’t say. Shane blinked at him. Alex swore he could feel the blood rushing to his ears, and he wet his lips, just for something to do. “It’s late, I’ll go home, if I see you tomorrow I’ll see you,” he continued, the words all coming out in a stammered rush as he stood awkwardly, already starting towards the door.

“I’ll- I’ll try,” Shane said behind him. Alex stopped, turning. “I don’t want to promise anything. But,” he said, his shoe still in his hand, “I’ll try.”

Alex’s grin split his face. He didn’t even try to hide it.

“Okay,” he agreed, trying to keep the excitement from his voice. “I’ll see you if I see you.”

He slipped into his shoes and left before Shane could say anything else.

Chapter Text

“I’ll try.”

The words had sounded hollow in his mouth, but Alex’s face lit up and he half-waved, ducked out the front door and disappeared into the night. Whether it was Shane’s guilt at this or his own curiosity, the next morning he finds himself gently waking Jas, a little earlier than she had expected for a Saturday, and then chasing after her as she dressed excitedly, wearing her very best hair ribbons and lamenting over her lack of shoe choices before rushing them both out the door to the bus stop. Shane clenches his hands to stop them from shaking as he waits, watching Jas rock back and forth in young impatience, humming tunelessly in the morning sunshine. It’s been years since he’s been to the city, almost- he glances at Jas- almost five years. Five years since he packed up their meager possessions and waited for Marnie to come and pick them up. Five years since-

Pam walks down the road, looking as surprised to see Shane as he is to see her. “H-hey Pam,” he says finally, watching as she stops by the gate. “You able to run the bus today?”

“Yeah, ‘sgot gas in it,” she replies, warily. At least she doesn’t slur her words or waver as she walks towards the pair of them, Shane notes, feeling somewhat abashed at his own thoughts. They faced each other at the bar most nights, her face growing blurrier and blurrier with every pint he drank, every bottle she threw back. As though her thoughts ran a similar track, she sniffed and looked him up and down, then fumbled with the keys in her pocket. “You got tickets?”

“Yeah.” Jas insisted on buying the tickets- “with her own money”, that she had borrowed from Shane, and she shyly holds out the two pieces of paper to the woman, poking her head out from behind Shane’s knees. Pam’s demeanor immediately changes as she realizes there’s a child present, and she attempts a gentle smile downward.

“Going to the city today, Jasmine?”

“It’s just Jas,” Shane corrects reflexively, wiggling his knee a little bit. “Can you say hi to Pam?”

“Hi,” Jas squeaks softly, still holding out the tickets. “Yeah.”

“Aww, what a cutie. Have you ever been to the city?” Pam asks in her pack-a-day crackling voice. Jas shakes her head no, still hiding behind Shane’s knees, and he jiggles her slightly.

“You used to live in the city, Goose,” he chides, taking back the tickets from Pam after she stamps them. “You were just a baby, but you did.”

“When I was a baby?” She asks, following behind him as they both walk onto the bus. “Did I live there with my mom and dad?”

A sting lances through Shane’s chest. This was a mistake. But Pam’s sitting down and pulling the latch that closes the door, and he guides Jas gently to one of the seats, letting her take the window side. She sits down carefully, smoothing her dress over her lap and swinging her legs over the edge of the seat. Shane’s mouth is dry, and he swallows.

“Yeah. You lived in the city with me, your mom and your dad,” Shane starts, the last part of his sentence cut off by the diesel engine roaring to life.

“Did we live in a house, or an apartment?” Jas follows up, her eyes unblinking. Shane’s nostrils flare. The bus smells musty, unused, and he leans over her to fiddle with the window, managing to open it a crack. The bus groans as it gets into gear and lurches forward, and Jas gasps and holds onto Shane’s arm, little fingers clenching in. He chuckles.

“It’s okay, the bus is just old. And we lived in an apartment.”

“That’s like Peggy, in Rainbow Prism Girl. She lives in an apartment on the fifth floor. Did we live on the fifth floor?”

“Seventh,” he answers, swallowing. The bus pulls forward into the tunnel, and Jas’s eyes go wide as the light goes dark, then back up. The scenery outside is much the same as it is in Pelican Town- they’re just on the outskirts, haven’t even left the Valley yet- but she still pulls herself up on her knees to look out the window, absolutely glued to the scenery.

“Oh. Okay,” Jas answers, chewing on her bottom lip. “What color was the window?”

“The window?” Shane asked, frowning. “Like, the curtains?”

“Mm-hmm,” Jas agreed, not turning from the countryside rumbling past. “Patty’s curtains are white and have stars on them.”

“Oh. I, I don’t remember,” he admits, frowning. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay. I think they were blue, anyway. Blue feels lucky. Is that a farm?”

“What?” Shane still reeled from the casual brush-off on the curtains, and he leaned in to look out the window. “Yeah, that- that looks like a farm.”

“They have more sheep, though,”Jas noted, poking the window with her finger, leaving a grease spot. “We went by too fast to count.”

“Plus, you don’t wanna get sleepy,” Shane joked, sitting back, still tense.

But the rest of the hour-long ride to the city went smoothly, with Jas asking questions about the billboards, the countryside, the various shops and buildings they passed. When they turned the corner of the mountain and saw Zuzu City’s skyline, she sat back in wonder, tracing the buildings with her finger.

“Which one did I live in?” She asked, pressing her forehead against the glass.

“We’re too far away to see it,” Shane replied, pulling her back a little. The road was full of potholes, and the last thing he needed was her hitting her forehead and coming home with a bruise.

“Oh. Can we go and see it when we get- when we get to the city?”

“I don’t know if we’ll have time,” he hedged, giving her a little squeeze before letting her settle back into her seat. “Depends how long Alex’s tryouts go. Want to get a burger, though?”

“Yeah,” she effused, pulling back towards the window. “No pickles.”

“No pickles,” Shane promised, watching the city as it got closer and closer. The roads were all too familiar to him, and the further they traveled, the more he felt his throat grow tight, his eyes itch. Memories passed by like ghosts, blurring his vision- places that once had housed familiar bars and delis now holding different shops, the discordance causing a shift in his vision that he had to shake his head to clear. His mind knew what was supposed to be there- had seen it every day for years and years, until one day, never again. Jenna and Andrew could walk around the corner any moment, Jenna fumbling with her purse, Andrew with his black canvas bag, eyes half-closed against the wind as they walked home from work. With a small grunt of effort, he willed his hands to unclench, loosened his jaw until he could feel it click. He hadn’t been back to Zuzu City since the accident, not even for a ball game, which he loved. This was a mistake.

Then, the stadium reared up in front of them, and Jas gasped.

“Is that where Alex is?” she asked, pointing at the stadium. “The Tunnelers- is that the team? Alex told me that was the team name. Do we get off now?”

“No, we gotta- we gotta wait until Pam stops the bus,” he explained, gently putting his arm out to stop her as she stood. “We gotta be patient.”

“But it’s right there!”

Shane tried to smile at her enthusiasm. It was her first time, he had to remember- she didn’t have memories following her like ghosts, spirits on every street corner- the coffee shop where they had seen Tandry Adams play, the pizza place they were all sure was a front for the mob. All Jas knew was she was in a new place. Pam slowed the bus to a screeching stop in front of the stadium, and Shane took Jas’s small hand.

“Okay. Zuzu City is a big place, right? And there’s going to be a whole lot of people. So I want you to hold my hand anytime we’re on the sidewalk, okay?”

“Okay,” Jas nodded, the picture of childish impatience, fidgeting with her skirt. Shane took a fortifying breath and nodded to Pam as he stepped off the bus.

“I’m going to go park around back- if you leave out of Exit B, that’s where I’ll be. Get it? B and B?” She chuckled wetly to herself and Shane managed a nervous smile as he took Jas’s hand onto the sidewalk.

Immediately, the unique smell and energy of the city engulfed him, as familiar to him as his own heartbeat. Asphalt, exhaust, some kind of cooked meat, all carried with the wail of a distant siren and the constant hum of traffic as it passed. Something unfurled in his chest, some nostalgia that he had kept hidden and buried in his chest behind the wall of grief and guilt, and he breathed deep, deeper than he had in maybe months. Years. His body knew the city, the way it moved and breathed, the way it sang and pulsed. He had forgotten. A part of himself had been left behind- the part of him that loved the city, its night life. He had been a dishwasher at a bar after his dad had kicked him out, then a barback, then a bartender. He had gotten Jenna a job as a server, lived in a shitty apartment in the same building as the bar- they had been happy. He had been happy. How had he forgotten?

There was a tug at his hand and looked down to see Jas blinking up at him.

“Are we gonna go now?”

“Yeah, Goose,” he replied, then, on an impulse, reached down and scooped her up. “Don’t want to get your shoes dirty,” he said, reaching her up and around and putting her on his shoulders. She clung to his head, giggling in delight as she pulled her skirt down around her tights.

“We’re gonna miss it!” she cried, tapping the top of his head as if it would make him go faster. He laughed and swung her back and forth, making her shriek and a few businesswomen smile at him as they passed, before heading down the boulevard towards the stadium.

Chapter Text

Chapter 20

Alex had trained for this day every day for the last three years, and now that it was here, he found himself not on the field, not in the locker room marvelling at the rows and rows of what was sure to be less-than-pristine lockers and cubbies- instead, he was white-knuckling the garbage can in a back hallway, trying to decide whether breathing through his mouth or his nose was worse. He breathed in, and a fresh wave of vomit, stale coffee and rotting food assaulted his face, and he decided that both options were bad and resolved himself to flopping back onto the cold concrete siding of the stadium.

He had made it into the door and had begged off the tour of the stadium- he had visited several times in his youth, and had even played a championship there with his high school team- and instead went to the field, where a few other hopefuls were already lining up, fresh-faced and gritted with determination. One step onto the field and the sky had opened wide, yawning like a great beast that would swallow him whole, and he had scurried back into the safety of the back hallways to puke his guts up.

He hadn’t ever felt like this- then again, he also hadn’t been to tryouts in three years. He had gone once when he was eighteen, but had to drop out of the process because of the legal proceedings with his father- then again when he was twenty, but had to turn around and rush home after Gramps’ stroke. Now, at twenty-three, he felt like it was his last chance. Which was ridiculous, many of the Gridball players were older than him and had started older than him, but the had also been playing longer and training full-time, whereas he had been a ‘full-time student’ and caregiver. The inevitability of time and the wearing down of his body started pressing down on his chest again, and he gagged on an empty stomach. You’re not good enough, a voice whispered. You’ll never be good enough. You had your chance and you wasted it.

“Nope,” he said, crushing the heels of his palms into his eyes. “Nope. Not today, old man.” His father’s voice still echoed in his ears, but he tuned it out, focusing on his breathing. Four beats in. Four beats held. Four beats out. Held. In. Held. Out. Held. “Okay,” he said to no one once his stomach had settled. “Okay. Let’s try this again.”

Hand on his duffel, he stood, rustled around in the side pocket for tictacs, popped a few, and then jogged out into the bright morning sunlight. It’s just another day. It’s just another run. Just a ‘for-fun’ practice with a couple other guys. No big deal.

A few hours later, and Alex’s nerves hadn’t improved. He had managed to get warmed up with the rest of the young man trying out, and had gotten his number- 29, lucky number 29, right? The more he said it, the more he believed it- and was in line for his third run at the charging plates, his mood absolutely black. How could he have thought he could compete with others younger than him? He had speed, sure, and stamina from running the mountain trails, but he could feel the shine on the other candidates the he didn’t have. They were all younger, newer, fresher, accompanied by their coaches, their parents. Their shoes were polished to shine, the cleats a few weeks off of new, just broken in enough- they didn’t have anything wearing on their shoulders like he did. His coach was there, too, but accompanying a junior from his old high school that was green and untried. A prodigy, to be sure, but nervous, and it was throwing the kid off. His coach had apologized, confided in him that it was an unlikely pick, but he wanted the kid to have ‘experience’ so he could make an actual pass the next year.

“You, I’m not worried about,” Coach had told him, clasping him on the shoulder with a wide smile. “This is just a formality. You’ve been through this before, and you want it. You’ve got this.” Alex had managed a weak smile back before Coach was pulled away by the kid’s mom, her tone high and wheedling, hands flapping nervously. What Coach hadn’t said spoke louder in Alex’s mind than his reassurances- it was the last shot he would get. The Tunnelers rarely allowed players as many chances as he had gotten- even though they were a major-league team, their location allowed them to be picky, and even with his ‘extenuating circumstances’ he had been given more chances than many others. He felt as though that mood reflected in the others he competed against- as he lined up with the others, their numbers emblazoned on the papers on their chest, he could feel their stares on him.

“Careful, old man,” one of his competitors chided, swinging him a sidelong glance. Tanner or Taylor or something, one of those 19-year-olds fresh out of high school. “Don’t pull something.”

“Yep, you too,” Alex shot back with a smile, making Tanner/Taylor frown. His old team had been friendly, joking with each other- he wasn’t used to the animosity that seemed to be commonplace at the tryouts. He had found that being nice always put them off- bullies didn’t seem to know what to do with nice. The whistle blew, and their line surged forward, the interaction put out of his mind as he put his power into his thighs. Don’t squeeze the abs yet, wait, wait- now, as the impact put him into the charging plate and he tensed his upper body, putting his arms around the charging plate and continuing his momentum forward. Through the plate. Don’t stop at the plate. The goal is to get to the back of the stadium. The plate happens to be along for the ride.

The further he pushed the plate into the sandtrap, the more sand piled onto the back of the plate, and the heavier it got until he could no longer physically move it back. It was their third run- their third of what would be many, he knew, and he pushed himself back from the plate, shaking out his shoulder and arms and jumping in place a few times to make sure he hadn’t jammed anything. He glanced along the markings along the side of the sand pit, nodding to himself- it wasn’t about how far one could push it, Coach had taught him the first time he had tried out, it was about consistency. Where in school they would run the exercise maybe four, five times, the Tunnelers had them run it ten, fifteen times. Those who could deliver consistent results fared far better than those who rushed hard and burned out early. Tanner/Taylor’s jaunts and teases became less and less frequent, and by the 12th rush he was one of the few who could keep performing. He straightened up and shook himself out, surprised to hear his name being cheered.

“Go Alex!” a small, familiar voice piped up, along with a lower, louder cheer. Alex’s brows furrowed and he looked around for a moment, only smiling when he realized why he hadn’t seen them earlier. Jas was perched high on Shane’s shoulders, her small legs folded under his armpits. One arm was snaked around his forehead, the other raised high, waving. Shane yelled some wordless encouragement again, his hands cupped around his mouth like a megaphone, before clapping. The man was- smiling, he realized. There was a lightness in him he had never seen, like a shadow had been lifted from his shoulders, or he had finally stepped into the sunlight from shade. Alex found himself grinning widely and lifted his hand up to wave as he got back into line, then turned his head towards the sandtrap, still grinning.

Once the drill had finished and they released them to get water, he threw a sweat towel over his shoulders and jogged over to where friends and family had gathered, on the benches along the sidelines where coaches and players usually sat. Jas, having clambered down from Shane’s shoulders, ran up to him, lifting her arms to be scooped up.

“I’m super, super stinky,” he cautioned her, catching her and lifting her high enough to make her squeal before setting her down again.

“You’re always stinky,” she replied, looking around at the others trying out and wrinkling her nose. “But you’re not the stinkiest here.”

Alex snorted as Shane came up, a smile still on his face.

“You’re doing good out there. All that work you’ve been putting in shows- you’re outpacing the teenagers for stamina." Shane winked, and Alex had to fight not to gawk. A joke? From Shane?

“I can’t thank you enough for coming- for, bringing Jas, I mean,” he stuttered, ruffling the girl’s hair as a cover for his own awkwardness. She yelped indignantly and swatted him away, but her smile grew wider.

“They have free- Alex, they have free drinks here, and it tastes like lemonade? But not as sweet?” She told him, grabbing his hand and pulling him over to a folding table set up with paper cups and a few coolers. Alex let her press a cup reverently into his hand and drank it, nodding exaggeratingly.

“Oh, that’s really good, isn’t it?” he asked, and she nodded brightly at him before getting distracted by a few other kids her age that were making a game of going around the tablelegs. She glanced up at Shane for a quick permission, which he nodded back at her, before tearing off after them. The older man watched her fondly for a few moments, and Alex watched him.

“You-” Alex started, and Shane turned that attention back to him, his eyes still soft from watching his youngster. Under that soft, assessing gaze, his words faltered, and he covered it by taking another sip out of the paper cup. “You came out,” he finished lamely, feeling a flush coming to his cheeks. “I wasn’t sure you would.” Any nervousness he had about the tryouts fell away, replaced by a pounding in his throat he was afraid to acknowledge. Shane smiled again, and Alex felt his ears getting hotter. How had he ever doubted his attraction to the man?

“I wasn’t sure I would, either- I haven’t been back to the city since... A while,” he admitted, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. A wrinkle settled on his forehead then smoothed away, like a cloud passing over the sun. “I forgot how much I missed it here. How much I love it here.”

“I hadn’t realized you were from here,” Alex asked, fiddling with the empty cup in his hands. Shane nodded, looking over Alex’s shoulder at Jas.

“Jenna and I moved here together after we graduated, got a shitty apartment downtown. Once she and Andrew passed away- I guess all I could remember was how much it hurt that they were gone, not how much fun I had had living in the city.” A police siren went off in the distance, and he half-grinned. “Pelican Town’s nice, but it’s too quiet. Too much time to get into my head, y’know?”

“Hey, can’t be in your head if you’re too tired to think,” Alex chided sarcastically, tapping the side of his forehead, making Shane chuckle. “S’why I run.”

“That makes sense. I should join you sometime, maybe get back into shape- not quite Gridball shape, but, take what I can get, right?” A whistle blew, and they both turned to where the recruiters were calling over the hopefuls. “You better head. We’ll be rooting for you- not that you need it, just don’t embarrass those youngsters, yeah?” He reached out and squeezed his shoulders in a quick motion, then lightly tapped his chest, motioning him off.

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, a little breathless. “Yeah! Okay! And afterward, um- dinner?” Alex asked, throwing the cup into a garbage nearby. “If you know a place?

“I know a few,” Shane called back easily, making a ‘shoo’-ing motion with his hands. “Go get em, 29!” Alex laughed and nodded, jumping in place before spinning and jogging to join the other hopefuls.

His coach caught up to him after they were broken into groups of 6 for small-group mock scrambles. Jason, the junior that he was accompanying, was in the same small group, and was after getting a few pointers had joined the others. Coach patted Alex’s back.

“You’re doin’ good, knew you would. Didn’t realize you knew Shane- I coached him way back when he went through school.”

“Yeah, we both live in Pelican Town,” Alex replied, wiping the sweat off his face and seeking them out in the crowd. Jas was again on Shane’s shoulders, and she waved, which he returned.

“That’s nice,” Coach replied. “I worried about him. Great player- rough time, with his dad. Not dissimilar to your situation, but, you didn’t get mixed up with a girl.”

“A girl?” Alex’s stomach bottomed out. What if Shane wasn’t gay? He hadn’t considered it, honestly. Coach nodded, oblivious to Alex’s discomfort.

“Yeah, don’t remember her name, but she was trouble. A cheerleader, you know the type, they shacked up and moved out here. Don’t fall in love, Alex, it mixes up your priorities. Gotta stay focused.”

“Jenna,” Alex realized, relief washing over him. “She was his friend. They were like brother-sister- that’s her daughter, on his shoulders there,” he said, nodding. Coach frowned and shaded his eyes, looking over at them.

“Where’s she, then- oh. The accident. That’s right, I thought I had heard that. It was a big anti-drunk driving thing at the school for a while, but- hey. Focused, okay? Get your head back here.”

“Focused,” Alex echoed, even though his mind was ablaze. An accident? Drunk driving? Fuck, the scramble, the whistles were blowing. He shook his head to clear it and darted out onto the field with his group, not looking back towards Shane or Jas. That was a ‘later’ problem to think about. Beside him, Jason ran up close next to him.

“Hey, uh, with the scramble? I’m the left nick, but with this play, do I go forward or to the left?”

“To the left,” Alex answered patiently, smiling. “Don’t worry, this one’s easy. 41’s the leader, he’ll tell us all what to do once we’re out there.”

41, an older teen probably a year out of high school, corralled them and walked them through the play, one Alex had done many times. These scrambles weren’t about how well you played- it was about following direction, adaptability and teamwork. He got himself into position, waited, and then guarded his man he was supposed to guard, another kid. The whistle blew, he guarded like he was supposed to, but on his right he heard an agonizing CRACK and then a wail. He turned, his body acting before his mind could, and ran over to Jason, who was sprawled on the field.

“Fuck! It’s my leg, fuck, I think it’s-”

“Medic!” Alex called, swiftly laying Jason back down onto the ground. “You’re good bro, I got you. Lay your head back, we got you from here, okay?” Quickly, he blocked the kid from looking at his obviously deformed ankle- he didn’t need him going into shock, among everything else. “Everybody else, clear the field,” he yelled, a half-breath before the whistles blew and the recruiters called the same thing. A moment later, one of the field medics was at his elbow.

“You can clear the field as well,” she said, kneeling down beside him as the rest of her team swarmed in.

“I’m an MFR- heard the crack and he went down, obvious deformity on the left ankle,” he replied. “Do you want any help?”

“Thank you, but we’re good,” she replied, pulling one of the expensive cure-all potions out of her response bag. She administered it carefully while Alex stood up and to the side, letting another Medic step in and stop Jason from seeing his ankle- the potions did a lot, but the shock of seeing a broken leg could still knock a kid unconscious. By the time his mom, dad and coach had run over, the Medics had him back on his feet, keeping the weight off his bad leg. He waved broadly to cheers from the crowd, and Alex walked with him to the sidelines, back to his scramble team. One of the recruiters stopped him, a tall, blonde man in sunglasses.

“Son, you good to continue?”

“Yessir,” Alex agreed, nodding. “We just need one more man for the scramble.”

“We’ll figure it out,” he said, and nodded him away. Alex rejoined his scramble group and checked in on them, making sure that his teammates were okay and issuing back-pats and chest bumps as needed to shake them out of their funks. It was easy to get injured, playing a game like this, but easy to heal with quick intervention and potions. When he looked up, he saw Shane craning his neck out towards him, his hand on Jas’s shoulder. Alex threw him a grin and a thumbs-up, and he smiled and nodded back, patting Jas’s shoulder in reassurance.

Before he knew it, the recruiters were dismissing everyone, telling them to pay close attention to their emails and wait for a phone call. As he jogged over to touch base with Shane before hitting the shower, one of the medics that had responded to the broken angle motioned him aside. He frowned, toweling off his forehead.

“Hey, everything all right?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine- sorry, just wanted to introduce myself. Carrie Davis.” She stuck out her hand to shake, and he smiled, returning the handshake. Her grip was firm and had that softened, ‘too-often-washed’ feel familiar to so many healthcare workers.

“Alex Mullner. Saw that Jason made it back on his feet,” he commented, nodding towards the young man standing with his parents, talking to the recruiters. Probably arranging for next year already.

“He did- wanted to commend you on your quick reaction time. Did you say you were an MFR? Where did you work out of?”

“I just got licensed a few weeks ago, but I did all my clinicals in Pelican Town. It’s a small town on the coast, mostly a farming and dungeon-hunting town, but I’ve seen plenty of accidents.”

“I see,” she said, looking him over with a calculating glint in her eye. “What’s your specialty, if you have one?”

“Sports Medicine,” he replied, smiling uneasily. “I thought it’d increase my changed, pad my resume kinda thing.” He scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. She nodded again, thoughtfully, then reached into her pocket and produced a business card.

“I don’t know what the recruiters and coaches look at and say, but, if you end up needing a job, give me a call,” she said, tapping a handwritten number at the bottom of the card. “That’s my extension. Don’t go through the phone tree, type that in and it’ll get you to me. Don’t say anything right now, just tuck that in your duffel bag, yeah?” She smiled at him, patted his arm and walked back into the tangle of hallways underneath the stadium.

He looked down at the card, a grin spreading. No matter what, his life was going to change. Elated at the new prospect, he looked up, searching the crowd for Shane, finding him talking to someone. Talking to Coach.
He could only see Shane’s face, which had hardened, closed off. Alex’s heart leapt into his throat as he ran over.