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All I can do is give him a hug and tell him everything will be alright, that no one will hurt him anymore, that I’m his crying shoulder, that I’m there for him if he needs me and that I won’t let him down, ever.
Everything I do seems useless though, he just keeps crying his eyes out and makes a fool of himself. Says he’s fat, that he’s been selfish, that he is a bad kisser, that he isn’t pretty enough. He is making himself depressed and I can’t look at him and do as if it doesn’t hurt me to see him like that.
“I’m simply not good enough.” He would say. And all I can manage to do is shake my head and argue with him about it. But now, I ran out of words.
Every time he comes home crying and starts putting himself down, I feel helpless.
What can I do? I really don’t know what to do..
Niall has to do this by himself.
I can’t fix a heart..
——
“Goodnight Lou.” Louis and I had been to the cinema cause we had missed our time together and I wanted to talk with him about Niall.
“Good luck Zayn. See you tomorrow.” He gave me a hug and walked inside the apartment he shared with Harry. Before I walked inside Niall’s and mine apartment I took a deep breath and massaged my neck shortly, so I was prepared for what I was about to see this time.
For the last few weeks Niall had totally been destroying himself. He went out every night to come home at the most ridiculous times and totally wasted. I had waited for him to come home so many times. Waiting hours and hours till I finally heard the door shut loudly and a drunk and probably even high Niall to come in. Slowly walking over to him and taking him by his arm towards his room always made him mad. Eventually he would come with me, but when I would take him to his own room he says he wants to sleep in my bed. So after a few times I just took him to my room right away.
Lying next to each other, sometimes spooned, Niall would cry. He cried himself to sleep with his drunken mind, but that mind was still aware of the pain in his heart. His broken heart…
In the morning I tried to talk to him about it, but he was always hangover the next morning and couldn’t even stand the lights in the room, let alone, me trying to talk about his feelings. He ignored me every time.
I felt the worst about Niall when he had taken drugs. I felt like I could’ve done something to prevent him from taking the drug. Louis told me it wasn’t any of my fault and that it was his responsibility to take care of himself, but I knew I had always looked out for Niall, like he was my child (even though that sounds weird).
Neither Louis, Harry, Liam, nor I knew what to do, or how to handle this situation. We didn’t tell management but the secret wasn’t a secret we had to keep for long as the media was all about it.
NIALL HORAN SPOTTED IN A BAR 10 NIGHTS IN A ROW
ONE DIRECTION’S NIALL HORAN USING DRUGS
AGAIN: NIALL HORAN SPOTTED WITH THE DRUG DEALER
These kind of things make it even worse than it is I guess, even for Niall. He looks even worse at himself now.
Niall’s obsession for food hasn’t changed but the way he eats has. Loud chewing, eating everything that’s in his hand reach and never being full. Everything of that is still a part Niall, but he throws up afterwards… We eat dinner together every night and Niall just won’t stop eating till everything we had is gone, he goes to the bathroom, locks himself away from the world and slides his finger down his throat so he begins to gag and eventually throws up his insides.
Bulimia Nervosa, the doctor confirmed. He told us everything about it and said that it isn’t that likely for people with bulimia to lose as much weight as Niall did. And with the drugs and alcohol with it it concerned even the doctor.
He wanted us to take Niall to a specialist or rehab, but we couldn’t do that to him. We must be able to solve this by ourselves, we are strong. Niall is strong.
I stepped inside and to my surprise Niall was just watching TV and looked up when I came in. He smiled at me, though I saw his red eyes and dried streams of tears down his cheeks. He was so thin. He was as thin as a spine and I bet you could feel every single bone he has inside of him. He looked clean and only that gave me hope already.
“Hi.” He whispered, only just audible over the sounds from the television.
“Can we talk?” I took a seat opposite of him.
“I saw him today Zayn. He kissed me and said he still loved me and missed me and I..” He broke out in tears and I placed his hands in mine, and tried to comfort him.
“Do you still love him Niall? What did you say to him?” I needed to know. If Niall still loved him, this may all be useless. Niall would fall back into his arms and a few weeks later the same thing would happen as right now.
“Yeah, but I said I didn’t want him back. He shouldn’t have dumped me if he really loved me that much.” Slightly squeezing my hands he looked me in the eyes, for the first time in so long, I could see that he was genuine. “But that’s not the worst part Zayn.” My heart stopped for a moment but I had to be strong right now.
“What is the worst part?” I let go of his hands without noticing and I immediately saw him crawling back from talking to me in the first place, so I grabbed his hands again.
“Yesterday morning, he came here. He said he wanted to talk, so I went with him. Brian took me to his apartment and we sat down and talked for a bit and got drunk, and then he suddenly kissed me, and because of all the alcohol and dru-..”, he stopped.
“I know you take drugs Niall.”
“Ooh, right.”, he looked at his hand from now. “Because of that I was totally unconscious and stuff, so it took me long to work out what I was doing, and before I could think we had had sex. When I woke up in the morning and saw where I was, I didn’t know how fast I had to get out of there. I feel horrible now and the alcohol can’t even make me feel better.” I got up and sat down next to him.
“It’s okay to not be okay you know? No one is always okay, neither are you. You don’t have to pretend. Just say it. Let us know you’re not okay. We miss you Niall. I miss you.” The arm I threw around his shoulder tightened its grip and Niall buried his head in the crook of my neck while mumbling something like, thanks.
“Don’t throw your life away okay? We need you Niall. Please stop throwing up. You’ll be dead by tomorrow. You know I’m scared every morning that you will not be alive any more? I hardly sleep and just watch you and make sure I feel every heart beat of yours..” I blurted out even though Louis had told me not to talk about me, but about Niall, and Niall only.
“I haven’t thrown up in days.” He said and I heard the hurt in his voice by my accusation. I, once again, didn’t know what to say, so I threw my other arm around him also and hugged him tightly so he knew I loved and cared.
Niall didn’t sleep in my bed that night and I missed his warmth. I had no one to curl up to and fall asleep with, hearts beating as one. I felt lonely without Niall..
Four weeks after Niall and I talked we got better attention and people started liking us again (most of the fans never stopped because they’re so amazing), so we gave it a go and did some interviews. Everything went perfectly well and, as for Niall, he looked like he could take it so far.
Niall had been building himself up after that night we talked. We could all see him fixing himself bit by bit, building up everything that shattered down when Brian broke up with him. He ate normal. That was a big relief for us as we slowly saw him gaining some weight and I almost cried when his ribs were turning invisible again. I was proud of Niall. Plus, he looked like Niall again, which was a relief for everyone on the planet. Despite the dark circles under his eyes he looked way more healthy than some weeks ago.
The drugs wasn’t a big deal any more either. I found a way to help him getting over that addiction. I threw away all the drugs he had in his possession Niall fought and cried when I did so. “You know how much money you’re throwing away?!”
“You’re doing the same.” Was all I had to say to make him even madder and more upset, but I didn’t care. My time to be selfish, I thought.
After I threw everything away I had another plan.
Niall, with his smart arse, would of course go out and buy new drugs. He would find a way to take it, unnoticed by me or any other of the boys. If Niall has a plan, he is determined and nothing can change his mind.
So I took his money away from him. His smart-cards, debit cards and every single coin or billet I could find. He didn’t protest this time, so, when I finished, I sat down with him to discuss the rules.
“1. You don’t take drugs.
2. You are not allowed to buy drugs.
3. Don’t steal anyone’s drugs.
4. Don’t make a compromise, like working for drugs.
5. Talk to me if you feel the need to take a drug.
6. If you want to buy anything, tell me what and I’ll go with you to buy it.”
“Aye Aye sir.” He laughed but was totally not amused.
“ I’m serious. Won’t be hard to do now, would it Ni?”
“Course not, I can do this easily.” Sarcasm was more than obvious but I chose to ignore it.
Easily was clearly overrated by him.
Niall was brave. He handled the situation better than I thought. I saw Niall fixing himself and he told me, “I think I’ve fixed myself.”, though we both knew he wasn’t in that stage just yet.
Niall loved beer. Beer made him forget about everything he thought he was missing, everything he’d want at this moment in his life. Alcohol made his blood stream faster forgetting about his heart. The feelings for Brian were still there of course but they were locked up deeply in his heart. But they were there. Ooh, they were there. And he felt them so he liked to got drunk and forget about it.
Of course he didn’t have money to buy it himself, and in our shared apartment there wasn’t any alcohol either, but he’d go to Harry and Louis’ place, sneak in, steal bottles of beer, and get out of the house. If Harry was home and Louis not, Harry would just be stupid and give him some. No matter how often we told him to not allow him to drink beer, he said he forgot it every single time.
Through my program of supporting Niall I felt like I grew closer to him.
Niall and I had been dating just after the x-factor final. It was secretly but Niall and I enjoyed each other and the boys liked us together. They had reacted so well. After a few weeks into our relationship, Niall told me he didn’t think it worked out the way he thought it would have but hoped nothing had changed in their friendship. I told him no, but my heart didn’t agree with me.
When the band was moving to London there were three apartments available. Niall asked me if I wanted to live with him, so I agreed, but again, my heart didn’t agree. At this very moment, my heart did agree. Help him Zayn! It screamed. And I did, because I loved that precious blonde lad.
The day I saw that Niall had fixed himself, with my own eyes, felt like the best day in years. Though my luck was easily teared apart that same day..
Niall went to do some grocery shopping. Walking down the streets, for the first time alone with money, he felt like a little kid that got money from his mummy to buy some candy’s. After he purchased everything he walked out of the shop and stopped in his tracks to what he saw. Brian and an old friend from school, Adam, were walking hand in hand, down the street.
He ran home, ran into our house and jumped at me.
“HE IS ALREADY DATING ANOTHER GUY.” He sobbed.
Yes, I was out of words again..
It didn’t matter. The most important thing was that Niall was indeed breaking down again. At least, I thought so. The days after his little big breakdown had been surprisingly calm.
His heart is fixed.
It didn’t matter that Brian was with someone else already. Niall had moved on also and knew how to deal with pain from now on.
“Zayn! I’m home!” Niall yelled when he came inside.
“Welcome home, babe. How has it been?” I smiled from the couch. Niall had been to Ireland for a week to take a break from everything, from his life and to think.
“It was great to see my family again. And I hang out with Sean a lot. He told me something,” sitting down next to me, “he told me, that I loved you. And I know this may sound weird and all. But I think he was right. I still love you. You know how much you did for me these past months? It’s ridiculous if you think of it, and Sean saw that too. You were actually the only one that cared about me. Brian didn’t care about me. But you did. And I never saw it until someone told it to me. And, and,” he stuttered from nervousness I guess.
“And I fucked up a little. Well, a lot. I’m sorry Zayn. I’m so sorry I’ve put you through all my shit. That I took you with me. And I’m even more sorry for ever telling you that it wasn’t working out between us.” Watery eyes met mine and he smiled shyly. I ran out of words again. (seriously I have to do something about that)
“Just say something. Something..” Niall placed his hand on mine and rubbed his thumb over my palm.
“I love you.”