Chapter Text
First Grade
The two boys giggled, hand in hand as they sprinted down the hill. Josh was the first to stumble, taking Tyler down with him. Limbs went flying as the two rolled down the hill rapidly. Tyler screeched as they finally came to a stop at the bottom, tangled in each other.
“Let’s go again Ty!” Josh managed to get out between laughs.
Tyler looked horrified “No way Joshie! We coulda got hurt”
“No, I promise I’ll catch you!”
Tyler laughed hysterically at his friend, pushing him away. “You’re crazy!”
Josh pouted, “I am not!” Tyler smiled at his friend. “Just wanna have fun! You’re just a scaredy cat!”
“Nuh-Uh”
“Are to!”
“BOYS! Come get dinner!” Laura called out from the back porch. Laughing at the boys as they scramble to beat each other inside, shaking her head in amusement. Josh and Tyler tumble in at the same time, each of them declaring themselves the winner. Josh has the biggest smile on his face and Tyler just is just happy to be with his friend. He tells Josh he can be the winner this time and he will just be the winner next time.
Fourth Grade
In gym class, the boys managed to always get themselves onto the same team, whether it be by begging the teacher or bribing a friend to switch, the two were inseparable as they ran up and down the gym pushing each other and laughing as they barely paid attention to the actual game going on.
“Can you actually catch the ball for once?” Josh yelled towards Tyler who was doubled over in laughter as the ball went two feet above his head.
“Maybe if you throw it somewhere I could actually reach it! I’m not ten feet tall dude!” Tyler yelled back defensively, feeling a little insecure. Josh runs over and grabs the ball and places it gently in Tyler’s hands.
“Better?” Tyler rolls his eyes at his friend but unable to contain his smile.
Josh tripped as he ran across the gym floor away from Tyler and of course Tyler immediately ran towards his friend but somehow also managed to trip and landed on top of Josh. The two laughed until the teacher sent them to get water to calm down.
Josh tried to giggle quieter as they made their way down the hall towards the water fountain, “I hope you know I am going to make fun of you forever for that.”
Tyler could not believe him, “You fell first!” He yelled a little too loud “If anything I should laugh at you! I can’t even believe I’m friends with you!”
Josh’s grin got bigger, “Not just friends, BEST friends. You should be embarrassed!” Tyler shoves into him lightly. He wouldn’t trade this for anything.
Eighth Grade
The last summer sun was just beginning to set as Tyler and Josh rode their bikes down the neighborhood streets. The wind whipped through their hair, and for a moment, it felt like they were flying. Eighth grade was about to start, the years have started moving by quicker as life gets more complicated. They struggle to hold on to their friendship as Tyler’s parents begin pushing him and preparing him for what they call the “real world”
“You think this year is gonna be hard?” Tyler asked, standing on the pedals to ride faster.
Josh shrugged, his eyes focused ahead. “I don’t know. As long as we stick together, I think we’ll be okay.” Worry is audible in his voice, Tyler had been withdrawing lately and he didn’t know how to stop it. He missed his friend and the ease of childhood.
Tyler let a soft smile make its way across his face, glancing sideways at Josh. “Yeah. We’ve got each other.”
“I’m really glad we’re still friends,” Josh said quietly, barely audible. He wishes he could stay in this moment a little longer, but he knows Tyler has to get home, his dad expected him to practice basketball and do chores before school started tomorrow.
Tyler smiled, nudging him with his elbow. “Of course. No one else gets me like you do.”
Ninth Grade - Present
Josh blinked hard, forcing the happy memories away. That’s all they were, memories. Any trace of that relationship they once shared was gone. It felt like a weight in his chest, making it harder to breathe. He wasn’t that kid anymore, and neither was Tyler.
Tyler, who now had Josh pinned against the locker, his hand gripping the front of Josh’s shirt, eyes filled with something dark and cruel. Unrecognizable.
“Why don’t you just admit it, Josh?” Tyler spat, his voice low and dripping with venom. “You’re such a fucking fag, everyone can knows it.”
Josh’s heart pounded in his chest, the words slicing through him like shards of glass. He wanted to shove Tyler off, wanted to scream at him, but instead, something colder, sharper, rose to the surface.
He smirked, leaning forward just enough to make Tyler’s grip tighten. “Is that what this is about, Tyler?” Josh asked, his voice soft but laced with malice. “Are you just obsessed with me? Come to think of it, you are always following me around like a lost puppy.”
Tyler’s jaw clenched, his face reddening, but he didn’t let go.
“Maybe you’re the one with the problem,” Josh continued, his eyes locking with Tyler’s. “Always staring, always acting like you hate me… Makes me wonder if you’re just a repressed fag trying too hard to hide it.” Venom dripped from his voice.
The words hung in the air like a challenge. Josh could feel Tyler’s anger boiling just beneath the surface, but he refused to back down.
Tyler’s grip tightened for a moment before he abruptly let go, shoving Josh back against the locker with a final push.
“Go to hell,” Tyler muttered before storming off, leaving Josh standing there, chest heaving with a mix of hurt and bitter satisfaction.
Josh ran a hand through his hair, the sting of Tyler’s words still fresh in his mind. But he couldn’t help the hollow laugh that escaped his throat.
“Yeah… I’ll see you there.” After a few moments, Josh dragged himself to the bathroom down the hall.
Josh stared at his reflection in the mirror, playing with a strand of his pink hair. It was still mostly vivid, even after weeks, standing out in sharp contrast to the dull surroundings of the school’s bathroom. His fingers brushed against his lip ring. Remembering when Tyler had dared him to get it pierced without telling his mom. He shook away the memory, the idea of anything positive relating to Tyler causes him to feel like he is choking on air.
He tried taking deep breaths, but it didn’t help the tightness in his chest. It never did. The anxiety controlled every part of his life, even his body, the physical symptoms almost worse than the overwhelming thoughts. Sometimes, it felt like he couldn’t breathe, like his lungs were filled with cement, and no one even noticed.
The world moved on, fast and loud, but Josh was stuck, frozen, watching everyone move on and get by, while he stood on the sidelines waiting for a way out. Or in.
No one really sees me.
He pulled his hoodie over his head, burying his hands in the pockets as he walked down the hallway. He could feel people's eyes on him as they always did, but no one said a word. Not really.
He knew what people thought. Some whispered behind his back, just loud enough for him to hear. Most of the time, it wasn’t even the homophobic shit that got to him, it was the silence. The way people looked past him, like he didn’t exist.
Even his drumming, the one thing that had always felt like home, seemed distant now. Every time he sat down with his sticks, a wave of doubt crashed over him. Was he even good enough? What was the point? He wasn’t in a band, wasn’t making music that mattered. Maybe he was just fooling himself, chasing a dream that didn’t want him.
Maybe I’m not meant for anything at all.
He swallowed hard, trying to shake the thought, but it clung to him like a second skin.
He felt… lost.
Josh’s only real comfort came from Debby. She sat beside him in the cafeteria, talking about something, he wasn’t really listening, her voice a calm presence in the storm that was his mind. They weren’t really a couple, but he knew some people thought they were.
Debby was like him in a lot of ways. She was gay too, though she hadn’t come out to many people either. They had an unspoken understanding, being around her made things easier, like he didn’t have to put up as many walls.
“Are you even listening?” she asked, nudging him with her elbow.
Josh blinked, realizing he had zoned out. Again. “Yeah, sorry.”
Debby sighed but didn’t push. She knew him well enough to let it slide. “You alright?” she asked, her voice softer now, more serious.
Josh wanted to say yes, to give her the easy answer, but the words stuck in his throat. How could he explain what was going on in his head? That every morning, he woke up feeling like the ground was crumbling beneath his feet? That the future looked empty, ready to swallow him in its darkness?
He glanced at her, forcing something that resembled a smile. “Yeah, just… thinking.”
Debby raised an eyebrow but didn’t press further. She knew him too well for that, and maybe that was part of the problem.
Josh leaned back in his seat, staring at the ceiling. His mind was a blur of static, thoughts overlapping and twisting into each other, none of them clear, but all of them filled with a nagging sense of dread.
Am I even good at drumming?
What if I fail?
What if I’m just wasting my time?
He chewed on his lip, feeling the metal of the ring against his teeth. His skin felt too tight, like he didn’t fit inside his own body.
And then there was Tyler. The thought of him sent a fresh wave of anxiety rushing through Josh’s veins. Tyler, who had once been his best friend. Tyler, who now seemed to take pleasure in making him feel miserable. Every glance, every shove, every hateful word felt like another crack in the foundation of whatever Josh had left holding him together.
He used to know me better than anyone. He used to care about me
But now… now Tyler didn’t know him at all. No one did.
That night, Josh sat on the edge of his bed, tapping his fingers nervously on his legs. The drumsticks sat next to him, unused. He stared at them, feeling like they were laughing at him.
Music had always been his escape, his way of expressing everything he couldn’t put into words. But lately, even that felt…distant. Like no matter how hard he tried, it wasn’t enough.
His phone buzzed, pulling him out of his thoughts. It was a text from Debby asking if he was okay.
Josh stared at the screen for a long time before giving her a simple “Yeah, Just tired”
It was a lie, of course. He wasn’t tired. He was terrified.
Terrified of the future. Terrified of failing. Terrified of being alone.
Terrified knowing that no one cared. And nobody ever would.
He threw his phone aside and laid down, staring up at the ceiling. The weight in his chest pressed down harder with every passing second, and all he could do was hope that, eventually, it would stop hurting.
But it didn’t.