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Julian finds them as easily as he does anything else. For as much as Garak likes to think he can hide things from him, lately, he’s been failing to do so. He can’t quite say how much of this carelessness is purposeful.
He doesn’t think about it when Julian asks him to turn around. He should, he knows. No matter how much Garak relaxes around him, there’s always that vigilance he can’t quite shake. And when even that’s not there, the knowledge that he should be vigilant and is failing to do so still is. But he tries to ignore that horrible voice and gets on his hands and knees. He can’t see Julian behind him, but he can still feel the warmth leave the room all at once, can sense the tension in Julian’s thighs that brush against his own.
Julian’s hands then come to rest on his hips. They rub up and down gently, as if he were still the same warm, desirable person from a moment ago. The ache between his legs won’t go away, but it now just disgusts him.
Garak focuses on the strain his arms feel in this position and on his embarrassment when he has to shift and rest his forearms on the sheets instead.
Julian’s hands move up to his back and run up and down over the scales.
“Is this alright, dear?”, he asks, quietly.
“Of course.”
“Are you sure?”
“There’s no need to sound so worried.”
Julian leans down and rests his chest against Garak’s back. His warmth seeps into his skin immediately and he shivers. He’s hyper aware of that heat pressing into the jagged scars, of every burning point of contact. One of Julian’s hands rests on the bed to keep himself upright, while the other reaches up to run his fingers through Garak’s hair.
“Would you like to stop, Garak?” His voice is quiet and relaxed, deliberately so, he knows.
“There’s no need for that.”, he replies.
“Then how can I make sure you’re truly relaxed?” It’s a genuine question. “How can I make sure I’m not scaring you? I wouldn’t bring this up if you weren’t so tense right now.”
Garak knows he’s right. It’s his own fault, as usual.
Julian leans back up and Garak wonders how he thinks these scars came to be. He must have his own theories. They’re no doubt grizzly and if Julian were to bring them up, Garak would laugh and hide any reaction to the kernels of truth each theory would have. They could be as outlandish or as tame as they like. They’d all be true in some way.
“Would you like to try a different position?”, Julian asks.
Garak nods and lets him maneuver him onto his back. Julian straddles him and smiles down at him. The brightness in that smile threatens to overwhelm Garak. Nothing else manages to do that like this. No pain, no fear, no truths, just this. Julian leans down so they’re resting chest to chest and kisses his cheek, right beneath his eye. Then, after a moment, Garak closes them. His eyelids tremble, but he allows Julian to kiss them.