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Your eyes shoot open with a gasp. Heart pounding deep in your chest as your vision focused on the ceiling fan swiveling at a low setting, the blades reflecting the soft moonlight peeking in past the curtains. Disoriented, you wipe a clammy hand on the comforter then raise it to your face, pinching the bridge of your nose. Alarm coursed through your veins, pulsing with every heartbeat. You sat up and slowly shimmied your legs out of the covers, being careful not to wake Leon. You slid off the bed, letting his arm around your waist softly thump onto the mattress as you rose to your feet. Over your shoulder, you glanced down at him. Your gaze traveled up from his slightly parted lips to his fluttering eyelashes, back down to his hand which had held you throughout the night. His fingers twitched, as if he could even unconsciously notice your absence. The alarm clock blinked bright red numbers at you as you turned away to grab a zip up hoodie off the floor, haphazardly wrapping the fabric around you before stepping out onto the small balcony connected to your bedroom. The door slid shut behind you silently, and you perched halfway onto a stool that hadn’t moved since you before moved in.
The harsh wind swept over your skin, you could feel your limbs steady themselves, feel the color return to your face as you inhaled air so cold it was almost painful. Your eyelids shut and opened with great resistance as the adrenaline faded away. The cold from the concrete settled into the skin of your soles, a tingling numbness forming in your toes. You folded over, stretching down to hold your calves with your equally as chilled hands. Letting your eyes flutter shut, the lingering sounds of the city embraced you, pulling you back.
You didn’t remember what the dream was about, or if there had been a dream at all. Your cheek brushed against your knee as you tapped your fingers to nothing in particular, hoping it would somehow trigger a revelation. Hoping it would explain why even when Leon was finally, finally back, you weren’t sleeping through the night. Even with his skin against yours, his arms around you, the hole in your mind filled by his presence. It didn’t. Infuriating as it was, you missed him even when he was right in front of you. You loved him so much it hurt, all the time. Your fingers stilled, all the tapping did was make you melodramatic.
The balcony door slid open, ending with a thud that shocked you back upright. You shivered as the breeze hit your torso again, twisting your head around. Leon stood at the door, sleep lingering in his eyes and brows furrowed, staring at you. He murmured your name and stepped forward, eyes widening slightly as the cold hit his bare skin. You laughed quietly, the sound pushed away with the wind as you shook your head, a shiver racking through your body as you stood. The two steps from the stool to where Leon stood ruined your calibration to the cold, you took another step closer letting his warmth radiate onto your skin. You put your hands on his arms, trying to turn him around, but he wouldn’t budge.
“What are you doing out here?” He asked, arm snaking around your waist, pulling you into his chest. His other hand pulled your head down into his shoulder, his hold tight like sheer pressure could scare the chill off your skin.
“Nothing,” you began, voice muffled, “It was too hot in there.”
He scoffed, keeping his hands on you but giving enough room for your legs to move as he led you back inside, shutting the door behind him. “Then you turn the fan on, come on.” He slid the zip up off you, letting it pool at your feet as he dragged you back towards the bed, gently pushing you down before walking away to turn the fan up.
“I’m okay, seriously,” you lift yourself up, resting your weight on your forearms to get a better look at Leon standing across the room. His expression was hard to make out from that distance, but you could guess what look he had on his face. This wasn’t a new occurrence. Leon had only been back for three days and each of those nights you’d slipped out of bed and found yourself in another room. He didn’t go after you the first night, asking if it had actually happened or if he’d dreamt it the next morning. You could never lie to Leon, so you admitted it. Saying you had just taken a long trip to the bathroom. A half truth, so he half bought it. The next night he caught you before you got out of bed, pulling you into a sleepy embrace and asking what was wrong in a voice so sweet you almost wanted to cry. You didn’t respond, just holding him a little tighter as you willed yourself back to sleep. He was concerned. The next morning you apologized for waking him, and the look he gave you in response made you want to apologize again. He told you he didn’t want you to apologize, that it wasn’t why he brought it up. Eventually you stopped him, you rarely slept through the night anyway. You weren’t sure how he hadn’t noticed it before, given how he was at your apartment more than his own, but you were happy to spare him the worry.
Leon sighed, slowly walking closer then stopping only feet away from the foot of the bed. You tilted your head with his movements, tracking his face until the light hit it enough to see his expression. Your breath hitched. He looked like he could cry. You scrambled up onto your knees, shuffling to the edge of the bed and gesturing for him to come closer. He did, his effort to lessen his frown was made clear (and somewhat heart-wrenching) as he tilted his head downwards to get a better look at you. The moment he was close enough you wrapped your arms around him, patting gently at his back. He held your face in two strong hands, as if you were the one that needed to be comforted.
“I promise, I’m fine.” You let your nails take against his skin, “I’ll wake you up next time, okay?” That was enough to placate him, for a moment at least. Leon was always hypersensitive to your emotions. Once he recognized them he took ownership over them. Your pain was his pain— even though he loathed to share his pain with you. You thought it was because he felt guilty. Guilt for your vaguely defined relationship, for his absence, for every horrible thing in the world he had no control over. You knew he blamed himself for things that weren’t his fault. Leon was just like that, especially with you, he was too good.
He nodded, squeezing your face between his hands, a tired smile grazing his lips. He must’ve wanted to lighten the mood. It worked. You smiled, flopping backwards onto the bed, patting the space next to you. Leon chuckled, laying down next to you. You reached out to him, curling into his side, this time your arm stretches out across his torso. He kisses the top of your skull, moving his hand around to caress the nape of your neck. He whispered something you didn’t hear and you pulled your head back to meet his gaze. He just smiled softly and looked back at you with the most lovesick eyes you’d ever seen on him. You wondered what he was seeing.
Leon didn’t give you a chance to ask. In a swift and gentle movement, and without taking his eyes off you, he pulled you as close as you could’ve been. Laying partially on top of him, your chin rested in the crook of his neck. His slow and steady breath beside your ear, his strong heartbeat beneath your fingertips. He placed a chaste kiss under your ear and you let your eyes flutter shut. After a moment, he whispered something again, quieter this time. You didn’t catch it, but it didn’t matter. You just held onto him a little tighter.