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lorant’s life was over.
sure, sure, he passed his harrowing. but that desire spirit was weak. it didn’t even offer him what he truly wanted. a life of love in the sun on a warm beach and water running through his toes and hands on his back to catch him if he falls. what kind of desire spirit doesn’t offer that?
whatever, at 23 years old, he was finally a mage. older than when most apprentices take their harrowing. but lorant had a very good reason. simply put, once he became a mage, he was to return to the necropolis halls to guard its inhabitants. in perpetuity.
which is why his life was over.
the mourn watch sent him to the circle at cumberland with the deal that he returned to the necropolis and become a full fledged mourn watch once he was finished with his education. it took years of pleading to let them let him apprentice at cumberland in the first place. he didn’t know why they were so resistant at first, but once he was in cumberland, he never wanted to go back.
even from the circle, the ocean’s waves lulled him to sleep every night and the birds sung to him from their perches and pulled him away from his studies and the singing from the taverns and streets tempted him to sneak out at night. not to mention the bright lights and performers on the stage nearly every night. lorant couldn’t make every show, the enchanters wouldn’t allow him, but the ones he could make, he wanted to jump on stage and join them. what it must be like to shine on stage, for all to see his emotions.
but no.
he was doomed to a fate in the necropolis. mediating spirits and keeping peace between the dead, undead, and living.
the only thing worse would be the mourn watch forcing him to study more. which is why he had to go back now. there was no way he was studying magic anymore than necessary. he was done with dusty tomes and classrooms with tall windows that just beckoned for eyes to watch the outside world. both right there and beyond the seas.
maker above, he hadn’t even thought about julian yet.
he was never going to see julian ever again.
julian wasn’t even in port right now. he said there was a trade deal his father had to make in fereldan of all places. and julian didn’t know that lorant was forced to return to the necropolis in two days. and why would a ship captain’s son ever visit him? there’s no water in the necropolis, at least none that would be safe to swim or sail a boat. or salty breeze to fill in his lungs, unless there was a spirit nearby to conjure up the memory, but it wasn’t the same.
maybe lorant could leave a letter with the shipyard captain. to explain that lorant had to leave because of things outside of his control. that if lorant could, he would run away with julian to whatever corner of the world julian’s ship was going.
maybe lorant still could. his escort wasn’t yet in cumberland.
“there you are,” a cool voice came from above his head.
lorant picked up his head from the dining table to view the person that dared to interrupt his meal. a meal that he finished long ago and wine bottles that were once filled to the brim some time ago.
when he faced the voice, he sighed. in her mage robes that only got more decorations day by day, myrna stood in front of him. she could scold him all she wanted. he wasn't moving from the table if it meant leaving the city.
“what are you doing?” myrna asked. she didn’t sit down next to him. just stood there with her hands on her hips looking down on him.
if she was pitying him, he might as well be as pitiful as he could be. maybe then she would understand his plight. so he laid his head back down on the table, this time cushioned by his arms. “watching my hopes and dreams and everything i care about disappear in front of my eyes,” he said.
“and that requires three bottle of wines?”
he didn’t realize it had been that many. he only grabbed one during dinner. he thought some of the other mages were sharing a drink with him. maybe they only shared the bottle before leaving him in his sad little corner.
“myrna, don’t you understand, i’m losing all that i care about,” he said.
“that’s a gross exaggeration of the situation. you are just leaving your current life.”
“that makes it sound like i’m dying.” he closed his eyes and whispered, “which i guess you’re right, i am dying.”
“no you’re not,” myrna said and lorant could hear the eye roll. not that she would ever do that. in front of him.
“myrna,” he pleaded for her to understand, “i’m losing everything.”
she sighed. at him or his words or his behavior, he could only guess, but he was definitely the cause.
when he didn’t say anything else, she asked, “were you possessed during your harrowing?”
“of course not. what do you think am i?” he glared at the her hands, the only thing eye level with him at the moment.
the gall to assume such a thing! she might have as well called him feeble, which was worse than pathetic. he passed his harrowing, thank you very much. the robes underneath the crumbles and a little drool and maybe some wine proved that!
he felt myrna’s eyes scan him from head to toe while she said, “a talented mage wasted by chasing folly.”
“folly!” lorant head shot up to glare at myrna properly. she was just looking at him with that patent look of disappointment.
“i meant what i said. you should be honored to one of the few who walk in the halls of the necropolis as a mourn watcher. so why act like you are discovering this fact now?”
he sat up straight and his arms ready to move with his voice and said, “but there is so much to life outside of death. i don’t want to just live to die in the necropolis. i want see things. do things. there’s so much we don’t know about our current world. why should i pay attention to something we’ll never really know about?”
“i see,” myrna said flatly, “so what do you intent to do?”
lorant deflated. for all his talk, he really didn’t know. he couldn’t run away, not truly, and not after his family was so willing to put a good word for him to cumberland’s circle. all they asked of him was to honor the mourn watch and their work. and he did want that, but not at the expensive of himself.
he quietly spoke, “i don’t know. i could run away. i’m a proper mage now. the mourn watch wouldn’t hunt me down. would they?”
“no. but vorgoth would be eternally disappointed in you.”
for whatever reason, vorgoth, the eternal guardian of the necropolis, always had high hopes for lorant. none of which he asked for or even agreed with!
“vorgoth is one to talk!” lorant shouted and leaned back to look myrna in the eyes. “i’ve seen its stupid art collection! who is it to judge me?”
myrna finally sat down next to him.
she didn’t say anything and lorant settled back down into his seat.
it was the first time in a long time that he’d seen her at the dining hall like this. it felt nice to be here with her. she was always busy studying and working with runes and research. lorant only felt a little neglected the last few months.
“what is this really about?” she softly asked.
he sighed and honestly said, “i just said. i’ve accepted the fact that my spirit will probably remain in the necropolis after i die, but i don’t want to haunt it while i’m still living.”
lorant didn’t mind the dead or death. not really. he didn’t mind the work the watchers did. just, when he looked to his future, that is all he saw. lorant ingellvar of the mourn watch. but he was more than that. more than just the baby born in the necropolis that should’ve died if vorgoth didn’t find him. more than a poor soul that died working in the necropolis.
at least, he hoped he was.
“you can’t haunt it as you are now,” myrna said.
lorant knew she was right, but refused to concede the point, “my point stands!”
myrna didn’t say anything more. lorant settled back in his chair and began to poke at the apple core on his plate. his teeth marks were all over the core. was this the limit of his impact on this world? if it was, lorant was determined to take another bite. another mark.
suddenly, myrna asked, “are you certain this has nothing to do with your sailor?”
lorant felt the chair come out from under him. metaphorically. literally, he dropped the apple core and gaped at mryna.“how do you even know about him?”
“you are not as sly as you seem to imagine yourself.”
“i wasn’t trying to be sly,” he said like a liar.
relationships with non-circle members weren’t forbidden, but they were never easy. and the enchanters never took your petitions seriously for outside trips if you were known to have a lover. so lorant tried to hide his romance. he tricked all the enchanters and good few of the apprentices. the only one who knew for sure was his bunk mate. a bookish man who wanted little to do with people. lorant just had to talk in circle to get the man’s attention anywhere other than whatever activities lorant was up to at the moment.
“i fail to quite see what you see in him. he is just a man,” mryna said.
“just a man? he’s more than that!” lorant nearly screamed.
“then persuade me,” myrna said flatly.
“fine,” lorant said before he thought how exactly he was to persuade myrna of… what exactly? but he would persuade her! “the first time we met, or rather, the first time i saw him, we were at the docks because the senior enchanters had some lesson planned or another.”
“it was a lesson on cumberland’s history,” myrna interjected.
“either way, i saw him. down by the docks. he save a sailor from falling cargo. just swept him off his feet and to safety right as a create of ores crashed next to them,” lorant said lost in the memories.
that moment was seared into his eyes from the moment it happened. if he closed his eyes, he could see julian in blurry motion rushing to save someone. he could feel the dust of the ores breaking out of the cargo box rise up into his nose. he could imagine those strong arms lifting him up and cradling him and that sweet voice asking if he was unharmed.
“and you were in love?” myrna’s voice ended the memory.
right, he was persuading her about his love and how great he truly was. still, he must defend his own honor against such baseless slander as falling in love at first sight. such thing was only in the realms of dreams and stage dramas.
“of course not. i’m not that easy. it was later, when i saw him again, at pattrica thinbrow’s performance of the raven king.”
“that was two years ago.”
lorant felt his face warm up. maybe it was a bit telling that he had only thought about this one man for years, but he knew this man was special. was special for lorant.
“yes, well,” he started, “anyways, he was there. or at least i saw him during intermission escorting his mother gently down the stairs. he could’ve swept her off her feet so she would have no need to take a single step, yet all he did was lend her his arm.”
“right,” myrna said in a dull tone.
“you don’t remember anything that night besides eloise whintle.”
“she was my seat neighbor and had interesting thoughts on the show.”
“if you say so.” myrna might’ve been raised better than to roll her eyes at someone in front of her, but lorant wasn’t. or well, he was, but, rather, that didn’t stop him from doing so. “i didn’t actually met him until the senior enchanters took us to the bazaar to sell our runes. he was there and he offered to help me pack up the stall afterwards.”
actually, lorant had spotted julian long before that. he thought he had seen julian look at him, but always missed his eyes. it wasn’t until the other apprentices left lorant behind to do their own shopping at the end of the day that julian introduced himself. apparently julian had seen lorant earlier that day and wanted to introduce himself.
to this day, lorant had no idea what they actually talked about, he just wanted to watch julian do anything that close to his person, but they still were talking and flirting and kissing with whatever stolen moments they could to this day. so lorant always gave his past self a pat on the back. even if neither versions of himself knew what for exactly.
“and you’ve kept in touch since then?” myrna asked.
“we try to see each other when he is in port, which isn’t often, but we send letters the rest of the time.”
“ah, i had wondered what all you mail in the morning was about since you said the ingellvar family doesn’t really write.”
lorant sighed, “his penmanship and words might be a little coarse around the edges, but he really does write the sweetest things.”
in his last letter, julian had said the seas whispered lorant’s name and it reminded julian just what was waiting for him at the end of a long voyage. lorant barely ate a single thing that day. how could when he was so fulfilled in love? so it was only fair to write back that lorant felt julian’s hands running through his hair every time the sea breeze caught him.
myrna tilted her head at him. “so when you say you want to run away, you want to run away with him.”
lorant seriously considered it.
“yes and no. though the point is moot. right now he is headed to feredlen or on his return trip. either way, i am to be shipped back to the necropolis in two days time,” lorant said when a brilliant idea struck him. “actually, could i leave you a letter for him, in case he asks about me.”
“no,” myrna said without hesitation.
lorant half expected it, but not even a moment of pause? even after hearing of their romance?
“myrna, please,” lorant was not above begging, which was definitely what he was doing.
myrna held firm and looked him in the eyes, more intensely than before, “i will not because you will be able to meet your sailor once more.”
“what?” lorant must’ve misheard her.
“if this sailor was a mere flight of fancy, of course i would hand over your letter, but it is more serious than that.”
maybe his words did touch her after. lorant felt hope flicker into existence after being so thoroughly doused.
he said, “i mean, i hope it is. he hasn’t made any promises or anything like that. i never hoped, but i never ruled it out either.”
“so, you are right,” myrna said.
lorant blinked. he had never been told that by myrna. he noted today’s date. forget passing his harrowing, today was the day myrna said ‘lorant, you’re right’.
she continued on, “it is unfair to ask you to care for the dead without having lived yourself. how else can you learn how precious life is.”
lorant frowned. he had all the same lectures as her when it came to responsibilities of being a mage. life, all life, was precious. death was a natural force of nature and to go against it was to challenge nature.
or so the scholars said. lorant was incline to agree with them, but thought the delivery could use some work. he did leave senior enchanter velnar notes pointing that out.
lorant got a week of cleaning duty as thank you.
“myrna, i know that,” he said to her with a pout, “that’s why i’m mourning.”
“no, you are mourning your fantasy and dreams. i mean real life with people and how they breath and eat and live. that life is the precious thing the mourn watch protects.”
lorant winced at myrna words.
she said, “which is why you will become a mourn watcher in cumberland.”
“what? that’s an option for me?” lorant looked at her face for the punchline.
myrna would never joke about watcher business, but still. he had to ask.
myrna spoke as if he was new apprentice, “there are many deaths and not all can make the journey to the grand necropolis. which is why there are mourn watchers throughout nevarra. why do you think i’m still here?”
“to look out for your foolish best friend?” lorant guessed and even saying it out loud sounded foolish and thoroughly un-myrna.
“no. to earn an invitation to work at the necropolis.”
“oh,” lorant said.
lorant felt foolishly ignorant. myrna was part of the mourn watch but she wasn’t raised in the necropolis. the only reason why he was expected to work there was vorgoth and his family. other people, not orphans of the necropolis, had to be invited to work there. it was a great honor for those with a choice. which lorant was born without.
maybe myrna was just in pointing out his many flaws.
myrna showed him one of her small smiles that meant both good and bad, “besides, i imagine some perspective might save the essences of many spirits and the souls of the living before you move to the necropolis.”
“what? hey!” he protested taking back all his kind thoughts of her words. her words were the worse of anyones actually. far worse than whatever punishment vorgoth could give him.
“worry not. i shall write vorgoth immediately,” myrna said and began pulling out parchment and pencils.
lorant blinked. “does vorgoth write you back?”
“if you stop insulting his art collections, it may write you back too.”
“myrna, you told vorgoth what i said?” he nearly screeched. that was a private conversations that vorgoth of all things should never be privy to.
“save the voice for you sailor,” myrna said and started to focus on her letter.
lorant ignored her last comment and leaned over her shoulders. he couldn’t see it, other than it was indeed addressed to vorgoth. nonetheless, just sitting here with myrna was worth a few more smiles. and also saying, “thank you mryna. i promise you, that i will return to the necropolis, just not yet. i want to spend more time with julian and the city and people. but i do owe you for this.”
“undoubtedly. now start writing to vorgoth.”
“now? me?”
“yes. time of the essence. vorgoth will see the sincerity of your situation if you write in your own words.”"
myrna handed him parchment and a pencil for himself. suddenly the two, no three, bottles of wine felt heavy in his stomach and the taste in his mouth was no longer tannically sweet.
“you promise you won’t let me send a ridiculous letter?” lorant asked.
“of course not,” myrna said with a smile that lorant didn’t see until it was far, far too late.
dearest mother and father,
and vorgoth,
i, lorant ingellvar, your humble son, do willing accept the position within the mourn watch. it was part of our bargain to let me study in cumberland, a fact that i am grateful for. very grateful, like the best non-birthday gift a child of eleven could’ve ever received.
however! i have found a new dream i wish pursue. i have met the most wonderful person in thedas. well, third most wonderful. after you, mother and father. or maybe fourth after myrna who is currently next to me laughing. she is the one who inspired this letter. so isn’t she the third most wonderful person? vorgoth, you are still in the top five! let no one tell you otherwise!
so with your permissions and powers and all that you contain and be, will you allow my first assignment in the mourn watch to be to stay in cumberland? and watch over the dead here? i promise you won’t hear of a single haunting as long as i, lorant ingellvar, am in the city. myrna might help too.
by the way you should absolutely let myrna work at the necropolis. i would miss her dearly of course, but she really would be a great mage to roam the halls of the grand necropolis. she would make it grander! if you need any references for her work, you can ask eloise —
[the rest of the page has been ripped off. the letter continues on the next page.]
as i was saying, writing, saying, writing, please let me stay in the city with my love. it could be your ‘congratulations on not getting possessed and passing your harrowing’ gift to me. and in return i will send you, mother, a box of tevinter chocolates as a ‘your son is wonderful and thoughtful and loves you’ gift and for you, father, a map of the deep roads that someone was selling in the market as a ‘look! i can take care of myself’ present. i only paid 15 golds for it! i talked the merchant down from 5. can you believe he would sell such a thing a such a low price? vorgoth, i’m not sure what to send you that wouldn’t offend my own sensibilities. can i give you an ‘i will owe you a present which could be anything short of my life and my family’s life and myrna’s life’ kind of gift?
whatever you decide, please let me stay, i will be home for satinalia with bigger and better gifts!
love your one and only son,
lorant ingellvar
(and myrna too! she help write this letter too!)