Chapter Text
4 Years Post Rumbling – Marley
He hears the loud bang in his dream, it’s hard to decipher what’s real and what’s fake when he’s in between rest and waking. A flash of white lightning behind his eyelids, the pounding of hooves on wet mud and thundering steps of bumbling, steaming beasts consume his mind. There’s another bang, waking him quickly. His breathing is frantic as he sits up in bed and the sheets pool at his waist. His bare chest, scarred and mangled tingles with goosebumps from the cold air coming in through the cracked bedroom window.
“You idiot! Levi’s prolly still sleeping!” Gabi’s voice travels through the room, distant but always distinct.
Falco groans, likely from a slap to the back of the head. “Sorry, Levi!” The kind boy calls out. Levi doesn’t answer, just tries to right his breathing as his gaze falls to the window where the sun has already risen. He can’t see the kids but they’re obviously working on their house, grabbing wood from the nearby barn.
He takes a deep breath, shutting his eyes and regretting it the moment the images flash behind them again. Brightly colored flares, the whizzing of ODM gear, bloody capes and the calls of his squad mates. His eyes shoot open and he feels the exhaustion seeping back in, nothing he does staves it off for long like it’s been carved deep in his bones. He swings his good leg off of the side of the bed, throwing back the covers, he uses his hand to push his injured left leg over, it still feels too stiff from sleep and underuse.
With another sigh, he reaches for the black and gold cane leaning against his bedside table but his vision deceives him, the distance doesn’t match, his ring and pinky finger push the cane forward instead of grasping it, where it slides onto the wooden floor with a loud thud.
“Shit.” Levi’s voice is heavy with sleep, his throat is dry and he wants nothing more than to brush his teeth and go downstairs to eat breakfast, drink his tea to unwind from fitful sleep but now he has to deal with this. His body betraying him over the simplest task–picking up his fucking cane. He can walk small distances without it, he could probably make it to the bathroom if he really wanted to but it would hurt like a bitch and the last thing he needs is to be in excruciating pain for the rest of the day.
His hands, his eyes, his legs. It’s been four years and they are hurdles he just can’t seem to adjust to, this ‘new normal’ everyone seems so keen on. Anger grips him as he shuffles off the bed and onto the cold, unforgiving floor, kneeling with all of his weight on his right leg. He reaches for the cane, grasping it this time with his left hand, all five fingers and all of his strength as he pushes himself upright with a grunt. He thinks it shouldn’t be this hard to just get out of bed but soon retracts that, after everything they’ve gone through, everything he hasn’t been able to accomplish, the mission he wasn’t able to complete, maybe this is just so.
Levi makes it to the bathroom, running the hot water and washing his face under it as he rests his cane under his armpit to hold him up. The water feels nice, warming his cold fingers and the aching, tight scar that lines his face. He glances in the mirror, his hair isn’t due for a trim for another week or so. Still in the same undercut style as it’s always been, he doesn’t like change, doesn’t think he needs it. Levi runs his hands through it a couple of times, brushing his bangs back from his eyes, one milky one, the other one silver and dull. His dark circles are terrible, his cheeks aren’t as round as they once were–a sign he should probably be eating more but he just can’t bring himself to stand and cook for very long.
Everything is tiring, too tiring. It takes too much energy to do the simplest of things like cooking dinner or taking showers. They’re not things he’ll neglect, he would never do that but he doesn’t find joy in them like he once did. He’s taking them for granted, he knows that. Those little luxuries of home cooked meals and instant hot water. If Isabel and Furlan heard the way he bitched and moaned to Falco about needing a hot water heater, he’d never hear the end of it.
He finishes his morning routine, his life has become a series of routines. He needs them now, if he doesn’t have them–he has nothing. He’s aimless, floating from task to task without purpose and he still doesn’t have purpose but with a set schedule he at least feels like his day is filled with something other than him just moping about. The orphanage also helps with that, though Gabi thought it would be too much for him, he begs to differ.
He makes it down the hall and into the kitchen, setting his tea kettle on the stove to boil. He eyes the stack of growing mail on his table, they’re all from the remaining 104th–the Ambassadors. He just can’t stomach reading them right now, he’d opened one or two when he’d first settled in Marley. The group talked about their travels, their homes, sometimes they talked about their feelings and asked how Levi was doing–he didn’t know how to respond. That’s why he chose to stay here, to move out here to the middle of nowhere. He needed to get away from it all, from everything that reminded him of…it. Does that make him selfish? Maybe. Or maybe he’s deserving of being alone with his guilt, with his failure. They don’t need to see him like this and he doesn’t want them to.
The kettle starts to whistle and he pours himself a cup of tea, opting to take a seat in the living room near the fireplace. The curtains are open, the sun streaming in to heat the room. Gabi helped pick the colors, white and the faintest mint green. She said it ‘suited him’ whatever that means. He’d really like to sit on the porch but he’s not in the mood to interact with the kids just yet, to put on a brave face and make conversation–though they’d understand if he didn’t do either of those things. That’s why he chose to stay with them, to move out to this piece of land.
He wanted to live further out but Gabi insisted they live closer to town ‘in case of emergencies’. So, they made a compromise. They’re about a thirty-minute drive from the market, from the city and everything they need but out here it's quiet and Levi can live in the solitude he asked for. They tended a farm in the middle of their two houses, which Falco and Onyankopon built while Levi and Gabi focused on the farming and gardening. He’s grateful to have his own house, he insisted they didn’t have to do that but they wanted him to have his own space and for the first time he finally does. One he doesn’t share with anyone else–it was hard to get used to at first but now he isn’t sure he could share the space with another.
He’s grateful to have Gabi and Falco to share this land with, to share his spare time with. Gabi reminds him so much of Eren, their mannerisms, her loud voice and uncontainable energy. It’s like Eren once was, when he was young and full of spiteful determination. They both care for Levi, he isn’t blind to that—emotionally and physically. On days he’s too tired, his legs give out from under him and Falco is always right there to catch him, to help him into his wheelchair, to push him when his arms are sore. There are some days where he simply wakes up too tired and he has to call for them from his bedroom window, days where he feels extremely vulnerable, and Falco aids him in his chair around the house, Gabi cooks his meals and lights the fire. They spend their time here, caring for a man too old to be cared for when they should be out, enjoying themselves.
But they never complain, always asking Levi to tell stories about his childhood or his life in the Corps. They have no predisposed thoughts about the Underground, they just want to listen to an old man talk about his life–a life shrouded in mystery and shame. They listen intently, always asking questions and reacting like they’re watching one of those picture shows they started putting on in the city. It makes Levi roll his eyes but if telling them about his life makes them happy then, it’s the least he can do to repay them for everything they do.
The kids are both sixteen now, living in their own two story house across the farm and Levi couldn’t be more proud of them. He just wishes they had more time to be kids, but really none of them had the time. He wouldn’t have wished his or their life on anyone and yet here they are, both suffering from the same fate. Levi wants to change that and that’s what the orphanage is for–for the kids whose families were lost during The Rumbling. He’ll allow them to act like children, to play and explore without the fear of war and death, without the fear of their next meal and if their brother or sister will live to see the next morning.
Gabi thought it would be too taxing on him but he needed something to do, he needed somewhere to put what little energy he had left. He needed somewhere to focus the overwhelming feeling that he’s never doing enough and that nothing he will do will ever be enough to make up for what he hasn’t completed, to make up for what has been done. Something needs to be done for these children or they will be forgotten and left behind–so, he will be the one to do it.
It started out small with the help of Onyankopon. He helps run things when Levi isn’t there, he’s young and capable. Levi finds that he runs a tight ship, he’s efficient and Levi trusts him implicitly, just as Hange had. At the end of the war, the government had paid them all handsomely to settle down somewhere and shut up–keep to themselves and to not stir up any trouble. Levi wanted to refuse but figured the money could go towards something good, so, this is where he invested it. It keeps the children fed, clothed and happy. It keeps Levi fed, clothed and his medical bills paid for.
There’s a soft knock on his door, startling him from his thoughts–a loop he gets stuck in quite frequently these days and despises the fact that people can now sneak up on him. He calls out for them to come in knowing that it can be one of three people. The kids enter the house, minding to wipe their feet on the mat before they walk on the shined floors.
“Afternoon, oldman. We’re headed to the market, you comin’?” Gabi says, swinging her wicker basket on her arm as she takes a seat on the sofa. Afternoon–already?
“You should join us. You haven’t been out of the house properly in days and we’ve been starting to get a little worried about you…” Falco trails off, always starting strong and withering away towards the end, never liking to stir the pot or be the one to put his foot down even if he means well. Levi is trying to get him to stand up for himself, especially to Gabi.
They’re right, he hasn’t been out of the house in days, not even to visit the orphanage, stewing in his own guilt.
“It seems I don’t have a choice.” He says back to them, taking a drink of his now room temperature tea.
“Nope! You don’t!” Gabi hops up, heading towards the door.
Levi rolls his eyes as Falco comes over to hand him his cane, always a gentleman.
“We’ll take it slow and just let us know when you want to head back, okay?” Falco says to him as they walk to the kitchen together. Levi dumps the rest of his tea into the sink, rinsing out his cup and laying it upside down in the rack.
“Alright, Grice.” Levi reaches for his black cardigan hanging over his dining room chair, Falco holds his cane while he slips it over his white button up. It matches with his black cotton slacks, cuffed at the bottom and his black slip on loafers. He doesn’t do laces, not with his missing fingers and the shakes he gets.
Falco passes back his cane and Levi slips his wallet into his back pocket.
“Come on you too! We’re burning daylight, you know!” Gabi is rocking from heel to toe at the door, it’s already open letting in the cool air.
“I have to grab his wheelchair, Gabs.” Falco speaks over his shoulder as he heads to Levi’s bedroom. Levi shoots him a look that the boy doesn’t see but he knows Levi well enough to know his objection to it regardless. “Just in case. We’ll leave it in the car and if you need it, I’ll run to grab it.” He carries it, folded in half, in one arm. Levi had an older one when he first moved to Marley but after several doctors appointments and once the city was rebuilt, he was able to use some of the money from the government, he purchased something a little more sleek–one that fit his needs better.
This one is far more comfortable with cushioned leather instead of wood for a seat, the grips on the wheels stick out a little farther and are covered with leather instead of metal so his fingers don’t hurt as bad when he’s pushing himself. He thought it was a little self indulgent but both the doctor and the kids insisted he did it–did one thing for himself to make things more comfortable, even if he didn’t use it as often as they’d like him to.
They climb into Falco’s car, an enclosed one with a large trunk for Levi’s chair. It’s a nice day out, a little windy but otherwise the sky is clear and the sun is out. Gabi talks Levi’s ear off the entire thirty minutes and he’s not surprised, it’s how things usually go and he just nods, listening to her speak about their house warming party coming up. She’s very excited because she’s excitable, that’s just how she is and Levi wouldn’t change her.
He hates to admit that getting out of the house has been nice. The market is bustling and though, people stare whether it's due to his scaring or because of who he is as a person, he continues on, from stall to stall with the kids by his side. He purchases some more tea, a new book about the constellations–one that reminds him of a book Erwin had hidden away in his office. He also buys himself a pair of new gardening gloves, they’re small and fit his hands quite well–he’ll have to cut and sew the first two fingers off of the right hand but that’s to be expected.
The last stop on his list is a bakery just up the street. He hasn’t been in, in quite a while, so, while the kids pick up a few more items for their house, he heads towards the building, paper bag hanging off of his arm, cane in hand.
He picks out a blueberry muffin and loaf of sourdough bread. The woman behind the counter recognizes him, as most usually do, something he wishes he could avoid but hasn’t figured out how to. She tries to give him the goods for free and Levi refuses, he has the money, he can pay for it. He hasn’t done anything to deserve things to just be handed to him.
He lays the money on the counter, his body leaning on his cane. He huffs with a confused look on his face. The bell chimes behind him signaling someone else has entered and would like to order, he’d like to wrap this up as soon as possible.
“Thank you for everything you’ve done, sir.” She says to him anyway and heads start to turn in his direction, making him uncomfortable under their watchful gazes. He sighs loudly, nodding once and sliding the items into his bag.
He turns around, heading towards the door and that’s when he almost runs right into him.
Zeke stands tall, directly in front of the doorway, Levi’s exit. He doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there but if he came in when the bell had chimed then he’d seen the awkward interaction with the counter woman and that makes Levi’s body hot–that clammy heat radiating to his hands as he tries to maintain the hold of his cane and the full bag of goods.
Levi’s face is contorted in disgust, his lip curled upward, his eyebrows scrunched together as he takes in the disheveled blonde man before him. He’s upset and getting increasingly more-so because the motherfucker won’t move. His heart is starting to pound in his chest, the feeling of being trapped–boxed in is making him start to panic. He shouldn’t have come out today especially after the events of this morning and now he’s stood here staring at the reason he feels so inadequate, at the reason he feels so incomplete–incompetent–the one mission he couldn’t finish and the fucker is standing here like a monolith, mocking him for the whole world to see–just like he did that very day.
It all comes flooding back to him, as they stand there, staring at each other in the middle of this Marleyan bakery. Levi’s mind is racing, every thought from his past with Zeke resurfacing, rearing its ugly head as he tries to suppress his urge to run, the urge to scream out, lash out and attack the man in front of him like he would have all those years ago. He is not a coward, but today he feels like one–these last four years–he has felt like one.
He takes a long and shaky breath as he steps forward, his cane clicking on the tile floor.
“Excuse me.” Levi says, quiet and barely there as he steps around Zeke’s body and out of the door. He frantically limps down the two steps and onto the uneven brick. It’s hard for him to keep his balance, eyes watch him as he speed walks as fast as he can to the town square, his leg is starting to cramp under his weight and the strain from his speed, something it’s not used to. He just wants to get home, and he wants to get home now.
His mind is still in shock, flashing images of his past behind his eyes; Erwin’s bloody stomach, the damn syringe, Zeke’s face in the forest, his comrades turned inhuman. His body starts to give out as he begins to collapse in front of the market-goers but Falco is right there–always there to catch him. He slides his arm under Levi’s, scooping him up and leaning Levi’s weight onto him without hesitation.
“I’ve got you, Levi. Come on.” He speaks soft and kind in Levi’s ear but his mind is trying to pull him in, to separate him from the outside world. Gabi is by his side, grabbing the paper bag and helping them to the car.
Before he knows it, he’s sat inside of it and they’re on the road, his head resting against the cool window as they drive in silence. He feels catatonic as the road noise envelopes him. Levi’s mind wanders then, to the time in the forest, Zeke’s hands searing hot on his cool body, the trees quietly creaking around them. The tension was high, they had to be quiet in fear of getting caught, in fear of Levi’s comrades finding out. His stomach turns in a different way at the thought of it–he’s lonely and he doesn’t want to admit that either–another thing he flaws himself for.
He deserves the loneliness that comes with his ex-title. It’s how he repays his debt–his debt to his fallen friends.
The reminder of his failure sends him spiraling, thinking it's almost a good thing he saw Zeke today, maybe he deserved that too. He was getting too comfortable in his nice house, on his growing farm with his chosen family while his friends and loved ones have suffered and died at his hands.
It was a reminder.
Over the time he’s spent ruminating on his past and lost inside of his mind, they’ve made it home and Falco is holding the car door open for him with his sympathetic face and a helping hand. They settle him safely in his house, he sits on his sofa with the fire going, the only light and source of heat in the room and as the kids stand at the door they ask one last question before they leave.
“Do you need anything else?” Gabi’s voice is low, a quiet tone for her and it’s rare. She doesn’t want to disturb him after the very obviously rough day he’s had and whether they saw Zeke at the market or not, he doesn’t know, but they can usually put two and two together.
“No. Thank you.” He’s quiet to match, the popping of the fire could easily cover his soft words but they hear him, nodding solemnly and heading out the door.
Levi lays down on the couch, curling in on himself until he’s as tight as his weakened muscles will allow him to be and he lays like that until he succumbs to sleep.