Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Everyone who knew of Gregorith described him with one word. Stoic. Scary. Okay, maybe that’s two words. Either way, those two things defined him for the entirety of his adult life, a majority of his adolescence, and even a good chunk of his childhood too.

Most of it was deserved, he’d admit, sure. His proclivity and natural talent for violence did not help, nor his naturally quiet demeanor. And well, his career didn’t exactly endear him to most people. He preferred to observe, rather than be the one being observed. There’s a lot you can learn about people and things from simply watching.

A shift in expression or one far-off glance can tell you almost everything you need to know about a person. Catch when a person becomes uncomfortable around someone or something. Notice when someone either loves or hates what they've just eaten. See clear as day the little touches of a couple in love.

By the Universe, he saw a lot more of those than he’d like. His best friend of several hundred years, Prince Beleth of Hell, General of 85 legions, had a girlfriend, Lily (of the mortals), and Greg often third-wheeled. It was either that or hang out with Angel and do his best to ignore her attempts at setting him up, or watch her flirt with every woman she laid eyes on. Lily was cool, and probably the only one in the Universe who might be able to out bitch him on a good day, but she and Bel just could not keep their hands off each other.

Greg was happy for them, of course, Bel had his own personal problems that typically barred him from romance, and Lily was so good for him. But sometimes, seeing them all lovey-dovey just set him off.

He was not jealous. Nope. He had never been jealous in his entire life, and he refused to start with Tinker-Bel.

Okay, maybe he was a little jealous. Just the tiniest little bit. But no one would ever know that except him and his bathroom mirror.

His own romantic history was nonexistent beyond individual nights of passion, but in his defense, work kept him very busy. Working on and eventually becoming the Master of Level Nine, the most intensive and final punishment level of Hell, took up almost all of his focus. Especially when the souls got rowdy and tried to hit back. Though that usually just made him laugh.

Lily also made his job more interesting. She was the inventor and big boss of the soul-run customer service desk at the Gates of Hell or the “Hellp Desk”.

She had a trapdoor at said desk, that, as long as the soul stood on the smiley face that signified the entrance, when the button was hit, dropped the soul down to a particular level.

Usually his, and they fell through the ceiling right into one of his torture chambers. Unless Sharkie, Lily’s sixteen-ish in human years, adopted child--Bel’s, too, in a slightly less official sense--was coming down just for the slide.

It usually spat her out outside the office building. They were very sweet, and as deadly and terrifying as their mother, with far more biting. And dancing, strangely enough. Greg did not understand her craft but respected it for its efficacy.

Those two were the only mortals working at the desk for the longest time, but now, apparently, a new trainee started up there. He hadn’t met her, and Bel had only once. Lily supposedly wanted to slowly introduce her to the demons and the whole bit of Hell. Or at least that’s what she said.

Greg was curious. He always was when people withheld information from him. He only knew that the woman was deeply traumatized and died young. She’d been working up there for months, and he’d never seen her.

Curiosity had eaten so much away at him that he’d even gone up to the desk once or twice, just to get a glimpse of her. Every time he showed up, though, she wasn’t there, only Sharkie or Lily, the other having whisked her off to introduce her to another part of the Afterlife.

The thought of being left in the dark made him itchy.

He wouldn’t have to be itchy for much longer, though, as Bel was whisking Lily and Sharkie away to a family reunion in celebration of his brother’s newest baby. He asked Greg to swing up every once in a while and check on the mysterious Miss Penny. And Greg liked to think of himself as a man of his word.

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Penny had worked at the Hellp Desk for—well, she had stopped keeping track of time since she died—but it felt like it had been a while. She had already met so many incredible people. She had a self-proclaimed work mom named Lily, a six-foot-tall redhead who exhibited this light that just made Penny relaxed, and another coworker, Lily’s child, Sharkie, a five-two apex predator, who was friends with every single Afterlife resident that came down to Hell.

Both of them had already helped her heal so much from her life, in ways they were trying to convince her she deserved. She still didn’t really think she did; she hadn’t done anything to earn it, but she was accepting it anyway. That counted as progress.

In the time she’d started working at the desk, she had noticeably aged a few years. She had died the week before her eighteenth birthday, so she had no idea what she might have looked like as an adult. Now she could see it. There seemed to be differences in her eyes, her cheekbones, and the curve of her hips. Lily guessed she looked about 22 now, probably older, though this aging thankfully did not come with the freshman fifteen.

Come on, Penny, you really need to start coming to the gym with me. You can’t expect to look your best unless you lose a few pounds.

No, no, she had to stop worrying about her weight. Her mother’s programming still directed most of her thoughts, and when she thought of her mother, that just sank her into a deep, blah. She didn’t understand how her mother’s words could still affect her even in the afterlife. God, she just had to take a nap; this was so frustrating.

Anyway, circling back to the entire point of her internal monologue. Lily had a boyfriend named Bel—Beleth—a demon prince, apparently, and he wanted to sweep Lily and Sharkie away to a family reunion at his cousin’s to celebrate the birth of… some relative’s new baby. She’d met him once or twice, and he was—like almost every demon she’d laid eyes on—devilishly handsome. She hadn’t said that pun out loud yet because she knew Lily would have cracked up, and she didn’t want to encourage her.

Anyway, he was coming by the desk to pick them up in like ten minutes, and because this was Penny’s first time being left alone at the desk during the day, Lily was panicking. She’d gone over the procedure binder with her like six times.

“Lily. Lily!” She set her hands placatingly on her older friend’s shoulders. “I know what to do. And if I don’t, I’ll just trapdoor them or beat the shit out of them and leave them to regenerate.”

Sharkie rolled over in her spinning chair at the mention of violence. “Oh, speaking of which, Penny, I have a gift for you to truly christen your position at the help desk.”

Penny thought her place was truly christened the day a third desk sprouted out of the wall, with a chair set for her height and a name plate with her name on it. But she let Sharkie rummage through their desk until they found it and hid it behind their back when she rolled back over. She drew from behind her back a black baseball bat, bedazzled with red gems all over it and a little “P” in white gems on the base.

Penny’s heart swelled. “Oh, Sharkie, thank you.” She took it and tossed it between her hands, feeling the perfectly balanced weight. She reached down and wrapped her arms around them, pulling them halfway out of her chair.

Sharkie chuckled and returned the embrace. “Well, Lily got me one when I started at the desk, so I thought we should make it a tradition.”

Lily sniffled behind Penny, and Sharkie moved out of the hug to roll her eyes at her. “Mom, you cannot seriously be getting sappy about this.”

The redhead wiped her eyes and smiled at her kid. “That was just a really good idea, Sharkie. And you should have warned me.”

Sharkie puffed but rolled over in her chair and side-hugged Lily from her seat. Penny took a few practice swings with her new bat, and the trio dispersed back to their respective desks and went back to dealing with souls before two of them left for the day.

Penny had only met Bel once before, and he still stunned her when he came around the half-wall that blocked off the elevator to the employee levels. Lily saw him first, sauntered out from behind her desk, and threw her arms around his neck once she reached him.

“Hey princess,” he said as he chuckled and lifted her by her hips onto the nearest desk, Sharkie’s, who subsequently gagged and rolled in her desk chair over to chat with Krun.

Penny just smiled and took a breath to prepare herself for the soul that was already storming up to her. He was tall and already turning bright red, so she just leaned back in her chair, ready to watch the show.

“Oh, thank God! Somebody who might finally listen to me!” he half-shouted.

Penny just smiled to herself, and Lily answered him from behind Bel’s wings. “Uh, I don’t think Sky Daddy is gonna be much help to you here, buddy.”

He paused in his tracks and leaned up to see the redhead over the huge dusty purple wings. He moved slowly forward until he was standing right in front of Penny’s desk and looking at Lily from the side. His eyes widened at the intimate position of Bel’s hands and his jaw clenched.

“Ew! Why would you ever let one of these disgusting creatures touch you—”

Bel just rolled his eyes, and Penny glanced at Lily. “You wanna beat him, or should I berate him?”

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here!” He bellowed, glancing back and forth between the two women.

Penny wanted to save her new bat for a more awful participant and based on the Level Four stamped across the top of his file, he wasn’t worth it.

Lily smirked. “I don’t wanna get blood on me, and you should save your breath.” She chuckled and took Bel’s face in her hands. “Besides, I think he’ll take himself out when he sees this.” She pulled the demon prince in and kissed him hard.

The man did, in fact, break. He clutched his chest in shock, his face went from burning red to almost purple, and he took a stumbling step back. He stepped conveniently onto the trapdoor and Penny set it— “accidentally” misreading ‘Five’ as ‘Four’—and smashed the button as quickly as she could.

She really did think a lever would be more satisfying.

He plummeted with a strangled cry, and Lily cackled when she finally pulled back from Bel.

“Your timing’s getting better, Penny!” said Sharkie excitedly as they rolled back over, put her chair behind their desk again, and stood.

Penny smiled softly and reached for her book at the far edge of her desk. “Thanks. Have a fun day, guys.”

Bel and Lily looked at each other and Bel checked his wrist for a watch that wasn’t there. “We should get going. Mom’s making ziti, and Azzy will eat it all if he beats us there.”

Sharkie’s eyes widened. “Not the ziti!” They bolted for the elevator. Her parents followed more slowly behind her; his arm draped over her shoulders.

“Bye, Penny!” Lily called over Bel’s arm.

“Bye!”

Penny smiled at the adorable domestic scene, then spun back around, kicked her feet up on the desk, and opened the page her bookmark was sticking out of. Maybe it’ll be a quiet day.

A blonde woman with a what she hoped was a faux fur scarf screeched from the other side of the room and made a beeline for Penny’s desk.

Then again, probably not.

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Greg got a text from Bel that they were off, and he waited about two hours before suspending the person he was working on by their toes and leaving the torture chambers.

The screams and general agony of Level Nine had long since blended into white noise, and he barely noticed it as he made his way to the elevator hallway. The ride in the metal box was long and monotonous, as it always was, but the anticipation built with each ding that announced the next floor.

The elevator opened and revealed the cavernous lobby, with far less exposed lava and magma than any of the levels below, and absolutely no bioluminescent wildlife. He didn’t love coming up here, mostly because of how far it was, but also because he hated getting dirty looks from the souls.

He approached the waist-high wall that blocked off the gate and the check-in desk from the employee amenities, like the sexy dungeons and the break room. He heard shouting as he moved closer and he could see a soul turning a really frankly disturbing shade of red as he bellowed at the woman and the desk.

She had wavy dark brown hair that hung down between her shoulder blades, and she was wearing a red sweatshirt that was still somehow lighter than the angry man. He looked back up at the soul and caught the last of what he was saying.

“Why can’t you help me, you stupid bitch! You are a disgusting piggish whorebag!”

Oh. Oh, he would absolutely not let that slide. He could not talk to her like that. He reached down to see if he had any tools on him and found a throwing knife strapped to his thigh. Well, he’d been working on his aim. He unsheathed it and flung it over the wall with as much force as he could muster, aiming for the side of the soul’s head.

He leapt over the half wall as the man wailed, and his perfectly severed ear fell to the floor. “You cannot talk to her like that.” He stormed forward and slammed his knee into the center of his stomach and shoved him to the floor. He stomped on his dick, digging the small heel of his boot in. He barely glanced back at the woman behind the desk. “Miss Penny, if anybody else talks to you like that, send them right down to me. I don’t give a shit what level they’re supposed to go to.”

Penny let out a small shuddering breath as she stood and moved out from behind her desk to stand beside him. “And where would that be?” She looked down at the man groaning on the floor.

Okay, so maybe Bel didn’t tell Penny where he worked or who he was, or from the way he could feel her gaze burning into the side of his head, that he was coming up at all. He glanced over at her and saw her face for the first time. And for a moment, time paused. He expected to find fear, disgust, or some general form of aversion on her face, like he found when he spoke with most mortals, but instead he saw something like intrigue. She raised her eyebrows, and her soulful brown eyes widened slightly. And the longer he stared at her and the more of her he took in, he realized something. Something bad.

She was the most gorgeous being he’d ever seen. Not even Aphrodite could compete with the beauty of this woman. By the Universe, maybe Bel was right about something for once. You could find beauty in the most unlikely places.

Shit. She’d asked him a question, hadn’t she? The answer suddenly jumped to the front of his mind, and the thought of saying it out loud made anxiety churn in his stomach. “Uh… Level Nine,” he said in the quietest, least intimidating voice he could muster.

“Wow. I haven’t been that far down yet. Do you work there?” She replied in a gentle voice.

He nodded as he leaned down to pick up his knife. The soul tried to get up again, and before Greg could react, Penny slammed her foot into his face. He fell back down with a crunch and a trickle of blood dripping down his nose.

“Good kick,” he noted as casually as he could, even though that might have been the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. “And yes, I do. I run… the torture chambers, so it’d be easy for me to sneak in assholes.” Technically not a lie, just an intensely simplified version of what he does.

“Huh. Impressive,” she answered.

His phone buzzed in his pocket before he could say anything more. He had a text from Astaroth, one of his fellow torturers. He sighed and looked back at Penny. “Speaking of that, I should get back. Anyway, Bel asked me to check on you while the others are gone today, so I might swing by later if I can sneak off.”

Penny’s eyes widened, and she looked like she was debating with herself before a smirk rose to her face. “Well, I’ll look forward to it.”

His face turned at least three shades dark than its normal red, and he whipped around and walked as quickly as he could back toward the elevator. As he rounded the wall it occurred to him that that could be seen as rude, so he stepped closer back to the wall. “It was nice to meet you, Miss Penny.”

She looked back at him and a faint blush rose to her cheeks, and it somehow made her prettier. Penny smiled, a real smile with all her teeth, and his brain threatened to short-circuit again. He quickly turned again and practically sprinted back to the elevator.

He was so fucked.

Chapter Text

Greg did not make it back up to the desk that day. Some of the newer Nine souls were getting rowdy, and Astaroth had come down with the dreaded cold. Greg would rather work for 100 straight hours than catch a cold, so he sent the fellow torturer home with orders not to come back until he had been sniffle-free for at least 48 hours.

That meant that he had to deal out every single punishment for the rest of the day. It didn’t annoy him nearly as much as it would have—or should have—he had something much better to take up his mental bandwidth. A brunette whose smile lit up his brain every time he pictured it.

He sent up a trainee in his place to check on her with instructions not to approach unless a soul was disrespectful and bring him back a detailed report. Each one was the same, that she was fine, and spent most of her day reading.

When he finally got back to his apartment on R2, six hours later than intended, but covered in blood as usual, he kicked off his boots and stumbled into the shower. The hot water burned deliciously against his back, and he slowly drew himself from the work sector of his brain. He kept it cordoned off when he left Nine to contain the violence and the rage and the… he hadn’t ever really decided what the third thing was.

It was the thing that gnawed away at him the most whenever he got off work. Something visceral. It had almost consumed him more than once over the course of his life, but he’d always been able to find his way back from the brink. Usually, he called Greg or Angel, or went to visit his mom or his sister, but he didn’t really think he needed that quite yet.

He thought of Penny, and it made him feel a little better.

Following that line of thought, he pulled out his phone and shot off a text to Sharkie. He needed to gather intel, and they’d be the least likely to suspect him of ulterior motives. He knew if he really wanted to talk to her, he could just will her number into his phone, but that felt like crossing a boundary, considering the fact that he had no idea if she ever wanted to see him again at all.

She wasn’t afraid of him, that much he’d deduced, but she may not have exactly wanted to be his… something either. Friend didn’t feel like an apt description, but then again, nothing did. They’d spoken for five minutes, one time, and she didn’t even know his name. It was ridiculous how much she was occupying his thoughts, but he just couldn’t shut it down.

Sharkie texted him back and asked if they could visit—they were a little bored of staring at the newest demon baby—and they appeared at his doorstep fifteen minutes later.

“Hey, Sharkie. How was your day? How were Bel and Lily?” He asked as they walked into his apartment and threw themself onto the couch.

They rolled their eyes and tucked their arms underneath their head. “Fawning over the new child. I don’t get it; it just sat there sleeping the entire time we were there. The entire house shit themselves when he grabbed Lily’s finger but that was all the excitement of the day.”

Greg chuckled and spun in his desk chair away from his desk in the corner of his living room. “Alright, well, the whole reason I texted was I wanted to ask you about the new woman up at the Desk.”

They raised their eyebrows at him. “Penny? Why do you wanna know about Penny?”

Greg expected the question and had spent about ten of the minutes between their text and their arrival drafting an adequate answer. “She dropped a… mangled soul down to me today, and I had to admire her technique. I was just curious who she was.”

The shark accepted happily and delved into everything they knew about Penny. She was new in the Afterlife and had only lived one lifetime. She spent that lifetime in Florida, which Greg had only heard of in reference to the infamous “Florida Man,” a few of whom existed on his level. Penny did not, at least at first glance, appear to be nearly as deranged as the ones he’d encountered. He prayed she wasn’t.

Penny skipped Judgement when she arrived and just walked down to Hell, believing herself underserving of comfort or happiness. Lily set her up on Level One and gave her a job, and she and Sharkie were working on building up her self-esteem and her confidence. Greg knew that misery all too well.

She’d improved a bit, Sharkie thought, but she needed a lot more support. Her favorite color was red, and she was a generally shy and quiet person, but she and Lily enjoyed the same reading material. Sharkie finished this last fact with a disgusted face.

It occurred to Greg exactly what kind of books he’d seen Lily read—many of which included sexed-out monsters on the cover—and an image of Penny slammed into the front of his mind. Her pretty pale skin pink with exertion, her dark hair spread out over the pillow underneath it, her big brown eyes looking up at him. He fought it back and shoved it in his mental filing cabinet to never think about again. Penny was a person he wanted to learn about and get to know not a fucking sex fantasy.

The first person in his adult life who hadn’t tensed up at meeting him. The first to look at him with curiosity instead of hesitation. The first to treat him like he was completely normal. He couldn’t go sullying that with his overactive imagination and his last decade of celibacy. No, he’d only do things like that if she enthusiastically agreed.

He'd have to have Bel punch him in the face.

Greg dithered about reaching out to Penny for probably two months.

He’d gotten busy at work and been mentally free of her for a few days, then an absolutely desecrated soul dropped into his chamber with a dog-shaped sticky note on his forehead that read “For the hot red guy – Penny”.

His stomach flipped, and he’d gone so red his assistant Akuma came over to check on him. After he assured her he was okay, he immediately crafted up a particularly painful punishment for this soul and enacted it. He tucked the sticky note into his pocket and placed it in a small gold box he found at a shop in the Summerlands for safekeeping.

He looked at that sticky note probably once a day, reminding himself that clearly Penny was at least a little bit interested; she’d called him hot.

As weeks passed, he began to discern her work on souls from the others that came from the help desk. Unlike Lily’s, which were usually smashed so badly they tumbled down in pieces, or Sharkie’s, which came down covered in bite marks and chunks of skin missing, hers had a level of precision. The hits were in the places where they’d hurt the most—the kidneys, the groin, the shins, the nose—and only there. She also sent down the fewest number of souls on average. Whether that be because she just happens to get the fewest Level Nines in her line, or if she actively choices to not do demotions the way Sharkie and Lily do when they get particularly pissed off.

That spoke to a certain… gentleness of her soul. A belief in punishment that is earned, not given. A belief in violence as a tool, not a hobby. A clarity, to see through the rage he knew some of these souls could inflict.

All these realizations had him panicking, tossing and turning deep into the night, that he wasn’t what she needed, that he wasn’t what she deserved. He couldn’t infect her light and her gentleness with his darkness and his violence. He’d resolve to leave her alone, to do one good thing in his life and let her be.

Then he’d wake up and see the box with the sticky note in it, and the cycle would start all over again.

He asked Sharkie about her as many times as he could before they started getting suspicious. He kept thinking about going back up to the desk to talk to her. Every time he thought about it, it made him so nervous he almost threw up. So, he decided to just have Sharkie give her his number.

Then the ball would be in her court, if he understood that mortal metaphor correctly. She could text him or not text him. If the former, he would see if she thought of him at all in the last months and if she wanted to see him the way he wanted to see her. If the latter, he would come to terms with that and go back to living life the way he had before she had infected his brain.

He spent an entire week talking himself into it. He wrote and rewrote his number down on a slip of paper about six times just to make sure his handwriting was perfect, and he texted Sharkie to get them to stop by early.

They showed up, irritated to be awake fifteen minutes earlier than normal, a large coffee in hand. “What? What could you possibly need from me this early? I had to drink Paradise coffee ‘cause I didn’t have time for Common Grounds!” They huffed, exasperated.

Greg smiled apologetically and held out the slip of paper for them to take. If he waited any longer, he would lose his nerve. “Give Penny my number.”

Sharkie’s eyebrows shot up to their forehead. “Why?” They took the piece of paper as they asked, holding it between two fingers.

“I want to talk to her,” he replied, clipping his words.

Their eyebrows shifted downward into a furrow. “Why? Have you ever even met her?”

“Yes, I have,” he answered again. He really needed them to leave so he wouldn’t be tempted to snatch the paper back.

“Okay, that didn’t answer my other question. Why do you want to talk to her?” They placed their hands on their hips, clearly intent on holding their ground. Why had he thought he could do this without the third degree?

He huffed and flexed his hands. Well, better to rip the Band-Aid off. “I am interested in her romantically. Is that a good enough answer for you?”

Sharkie gaped at him, their mouth turning into a small ‘o’. Then a smile cracked wide across her cheeks. “I knew it!”

Greg didn’t say anything back. They just stared at each other for a minute, then Sharkie turned and sprinted away from the apartment.

“Don’t tell anybody!” He shouted down the hallway as their dorsal fin disappeared around the corner.

He might have just set himself up for the most humiliating moment of his life. And now there was nothing he could do but wait.

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Penny was having the shittiest day ever.

Her aunt Eleonore had shown up at her desk and treated her just like she did in life, with contempt and disgust. She berated her and almost spat on her and Penny rather than standing up for herself—like she should have, like she could have—just sat there frozen until Lily showed up and beat the hell—hah—out of Eleonore with all the rage of a Momma Bear on the prowl.

It still shocked Penny the way her two new friends stuck up for her without a thought. They just jumped into defending her because they cared about her, not because they had anything to gain from it.

She was eternally grateful, but she was also pissed off.

She knew she shouldn’t be. Lily and Sharkie had shared their stories afterward, and they had so many more struggles than her, real struggles. Her struggles could not come close to theirs, but she was still so angry.

It filled her with a primordial rage that her aunt still had this effect on her. That she could make her feel like a worthless piece of shit right before getting her ass physically thrown down the stairs of Hell.

She’d been making so much progress. She’d come so far forward, and she physically felt her soul backslide after her aunt came down. That made her so frustrated.

She wasn’t ever an angry person when she was alive, but now her hands were practically shaking. She needed a really shitty soul to come up to the desk, just so she had an excuse to beat someone down and get rid of all her anxious and angry energy.

She made a silent vow to herself to keep moving forward. She had to.

Lily had given her the go-ahead of “Fuck ‘em up, babe” and left her to her devices. Sharkie was sitting on the side wall that separated their desk from Penny’s, and though they swore it was just to watch the violence, Penny knew they wanted to stay close by in case she needed comfort. She probably would.

A man with a gross-looking chin beard and no mustache came waltzing up to her desk. Penny could smell the misogyny wafting like a pile of garbage was nearby, and she was proven right the moment he opened his mouth.

“Hey little girl, is there a man I can talk to?”

Lily and Sharkie went quiet, crossing their arms over their chests. Penny scared herself a little with how excited she got.

She took a big breath, schooled herself into seriousness, and answered, “Little girl, really?”

Penny took him in. His beanie looked dirty, and he had black under his nails. The more Penny looked, the less she actually wanted to touch him, as satisfying as the smackdown would be.

The Level Nine hottie jumped to the front of her mind. She only met him once, but she thought of him often, even when she wasn’t dropping souls down to him. He had never actually told her his name, and she never thought of asking someone, even though Lily and Sharkie would definitely know. He would probably know a great way to mangle this guy without ever laying a finger on him.

“Yeah, are you too stupid to understand me?” the man asked.

“Nope.” She glanced back at Sharkie. “Hey, what’s the name of that super hot demon that runs the torture chamber on Level Nine?”

They jumped at the question and reached into their pocket. They pulled out a slip of paper and reached over to hand it to her. “Funny you ask ‘cause he asked me to give you his number this morning.”

Her eyes widened, and her anger slid to the back of her brain and was replaced by sheer excitement. Fuck Yeah. She grabbed her phone from her desk drawer and punched the number in.

Then the soul started yelling, and she looked back up at him. “You know what I have better things to do today than deal with you, so you can walk your grimy ass down to Level Six or I will hand you over to the smoking hot torturer I’m about to start texting. The last time a guy was mean to me, he cut off his ear and his balls; do you wanna suffer that same fate? I don’t think so.”

Yes, she may have exaggerated the violence, but only a little. She’d seen how far he’d dug his bott into the tiny dick of that man. The thought of it made her smile a little wider than she should have. She readied her hand over the trapdoor button, but surprisingly, he walked right over to the stairs with no further complaint.

She happily kicked her feet up onto her desk and opened a message thread with the new number. She figured she should start small. Though Sharkie had been helping her with her confidence, maybe she could try to be straightforward. She typed out:

“hi it’s penny, sharkie said you asked her to give me your number ”

Then she sets her phone to sleep and puts it in her desk drawer, determined not to stare at her phone and wait for a response. She doesn’t even have time to push the drawer back before it’s buzzing, and she’s excitedly grasping for it and opening his reply.

“Hey Penny, yes I did.”

She started writing her reply barely after the words registered in her brain. “I’m glad. I’ve been wanting to swing down and visit Nine, but I wasn’t sure if that would seem creepy .

She hoped he understood the implication that it was him she wanted to visit, but if he did, he didn’t acknowledge it in his response.

“I realized I never actually introduced myself to you. I’d like to fix that.” A pause followed this, as his typing bubble appeared and disappeared eight or nine times.

She expected him to follow this with his name or something like that, but instead he sent:

“Would you like to get coffee with me?”

Chapter Text

Penny almost screamed. She was thankful both Lily and Sharkie had wandered away at this point—Lily to visit Bel, and Sharkie to the other side of the room with Moura —because she might have embarrassed herself beyond the point of no return, with the way her eyes went wide, and her cheeks went red, and her fists clenched at her sides as she held back a squeal.

She hadn’t gotten old enough to truly date in the mortal world. She’d had a kiss and ran three of the bases in one wild Seven Minutes in Heaven game with the cute guy in her math class, but she’d never had a boyfriend or been on a date. Could she even count this as her first date? Did he think it was a date?

It occurred to her that she hadn’t actually responded to the text. She quickly typed out a “yeah can you do sometime this afternoon? i’ve been having the worst day”

“I can meet right now.” “If that would be preferable.”

The formality almost made her laugh.

“that would be perfect” she replied and added a little smiley face emoji.

His response made her want to scream again. “Great. It’s a date”

She sent back a response, and he agreed to pick her up from the desk in ten minutes. She decided she wasn’t letting any souls ruin her good mood, so she put the closed plaque on top of her desk, called for Sharkie to reopen their desk, and picked up to go to the bathroom to fix her hair and steal from Lily’s emergency makeup bag.

She texted Lily to let her know that she wouldn’t be at the desk when she got back.

“y got a hot date?” her friend asked.

Penny smiled to herself as she replied “maybe”

Her ringtone went off and Lily’s name immediately slid across her screen. She took a breath to keep herself calm and accepted. She put the phone on the speaker and rested it on the bathroom counter.

“Girl, oh my god why didn’t you tell me about this? Who is it? What realm are they from?” Lily said, practically breathless.

Penny smiled and pulled her hair out of her ponytail and let it dangle down her shoulders. “He only just asked me a couple minutes ago. I’m trying this new thing called spontaneity.”

Lily’s voice went soft. “That’s great Penny. So… who is he?”

Penny chuckled, she knew not knowing would drive Lily crazy, but she wanted to keep this to herself, just for now, so she wouldn’t jinx it. She decided to give them only the most basic information, which turned out to be the only things she knew anyway. He still hadn’t told her his name.

“He’s a demon… He works on Level Nine. He’s terrifying and really hot. And that’s all I’m gonna say, for now.”

“Noooooo,” a deep male voice answered. “Tell us so I can background check him with Greg.”

She shook her head even though they couldn’t see her. She took two strands and tied them back behind her head to keep them out of her face.

“No, I wanna figure out who he is for myself, thanks,” she said back.

Lily said something off-side to Bel. “Babe, relax, she’ll be fine. You won’t combust from being left out of the loop. Where is he taking you?”

She reaches into the cabinet and pulls out the unopened tube of red tinted lip gloss. She took some Vaseline and pushed it onto her eyelashes to keep them curled and looking natural but also not.

“I don’t know yet. We’re just getting coffee. Don’t get too excited.”

Lily chuckled. “Alright, but I want all the details when you get back, okay? Do you know where my emergency stuff is?”

“I’m in the bathroom right now. Now, he’s gonna be up in like five minutes so I have to go. Bye.” She smirked as she hit the end button, cutting off the overdramatic groans.

She lint-rolled her pants—because somehow fuzzies still existed in the Afterlife—and doubled tied her shoelaces. Her phone buzzed again, and she expected it to be a text from Lily, but it was Hot Guy. He was early, but only by about two minutes. She found herself unsurprised.

He followed his text with “Take as long as you need. I’ll be ready whenever you are.”

She was positively cheesing when she opened the bathroom door and headed back out to the lobby. She found him standing next to her desk, the most perfect person she’d ever seen. He was tall but not so tall that the perspective would be weird. His skin was her favorite shade of red, and he was in a sleek black button up, black pants and a sleek belt. His hair was settled neatly behind his short upward curving horns. He was chatting with Sharkie, and she watched him discreetly slip her a box that looked distinctly like one from the taco truck, and a small sword that curved off in one direction.

She took a couple more steps forward to hear what they were saying to each other.

“Is this enough of a bribe for you to not tell them about this?” he says in a quiet voice.

Sharkie’s eyes sparkled with evil glee, and they clapped their hands together. “I’ve always wanted a chilanum! Yes, yes, go get out of here; here she comes!”

Both of them turned to look at her and she forced herself to move forward before their stares freaked her out. Hot Guy’s entire body stilled and he flexed his hands at his sides. It made her feel a little better to see he was nervous too.

“Hi,” he said, in that same soft voice. Sexy. Penny also thought she heard a little disbelief in his tone, but that might have been her imagination.

She had prepared for this. She would not be nervous. “Hi. Ready to go?”

He nodded and gestured to her to lead the way toward the steps to the Universal Hallway. They started off quiet, then she heard him take a breath like he was about to speak, and she turned to face him.

His breath loudly stumbled when they made eye contact and he breathed out, “You look beautiful.”

She blushed and shrugged her shoulders. “I look the same every day.”

“Then you must look beautiful every day,” he answered back. This response appeared to be a reflex because his eyes widened as he finished. He stopped dead in the middle of the stairs, the entrance to the Universal Hallway only a few paces away.

Penny just laughed and took a step closer to him. “Wow, okay Casanova, that was very smooth.” A thought suddenly occurred to her. “Speaking of Casanova, what is your actual name?”

His eyes went wide again, and his voice was unsteady as he answered. “Oh, it’s um… Greg.”

She squinted at him, a playful smile still on her lips. “You hesitated.”

He frowned. “I did not!”

She shook her head. “You did too. Is Greg like short for something? ‘Cause Greg is a surprisingly human-sounding name for a demon. I mean compared to Beleth or Leviathan.”

He held intense eye contact with her for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, it’s short for Gregorith.”

Oh. She had heard that name before. Bel had mentioned him. They were best friends and had been since childhood. Gregorith not only worked on Level Nine but ran the entire place. He was the Master of the Level. Oh of course he had to be impressive.

“Hey, can I just scoot on by you guys really quick?” A female demon’s voice came from slightly below them.

She had a huge stack of papers in her hands that would have obscured her entire head if not for her tall, twisted horns. It was a miracle that she had even noticed them there let alone not crashed into them.

“Absolutely. Do you need some help with that?” Penny asked even though she was really hoping this other woman would say no.

“Would you mind?”

Penny gritted her teeth, mouthed “sorry” to Greg and shook her head. “Of course not.” She reached out to take a section of the pile, when a red hand caught hers.

Greg had taken a few steps closer to her and leaned down to whisper. “I got it.”

Penny frowned and went to reach past him. “I volunteered for this. You don’t have to do it with me, if you don’t want to. We can meet back up in a bit.”

Greg shook his head and took the top of half of the paper stack into his own arms. “There are no doors for me to hold open for you on this date, so this is the next best thing. Besides it took me months to work up the nerve to ask you out; there’s no way we’re rescheduling,” he whispered again as he turned and started up the last of the steps.

Penny smiled for the fiftieth time that day and walked alongside the blue demon—Sedalia as she introduced herself—into the bright Hallway and down to the Reincarnation office.

The hall was packed, more than usual. They were practically shoulder to shoulder, and they only appeared to be going further into the crowd. Greg was a step or two ahead, parting the way like Moses and standing taller than everyone else. One of his hands came behind his back and reached out in a way that signaled for her hand. She gently placed her palm in his and his fingers closed around her.

He glanced back, nervousness on the edges of his eyes, and she gave him a slight nod and a small smile. He faced forward again and led them the rest of the way, his grip on her never wavering.

The whole errand didn’t take that long; they just had to hand off the files to the soul behind the desk. Sedalia explained this was the paperwork for the newest round of souls who were eligible to apply for reincarnation.

Normally souls would take them up themselves but there had been an increase in applications to Paradise from non-reincarnate Hell residents, so Hell made the executive decision to start transporting them up separately.

Greg only let go of her hand to drop the papers in the box.

She smiled. “Success!” She raised her hand up.

He shook his head and high-fived her. They left the office and waved goodbye to Sedalia. They took a couple of steps to the side to stay out of the way and Greg leaned down to speak to her.

He leaned on his arm on the wall above her head. “Now that that’s out of the way, would you like to go to Common Grounds, or can I take you to one of my favorite spots?”

“Ooh take me to your spot. I don’t get to explore that much.” She tried to ignore his arm muscles flexing underneath his sleeves as he took a step back and turned down the hallway.

Penny raced to keep up with him and they walked beside each other down the hall. She leaned up to make sure he could hear her and asked, “So, why were you bribing Sharkie?”

He looked over at her, clearly surprised. “Oh, I just didn’t want them telling Lily and Bel about this… prematurely.” His answer seemed hesitant and unsure.

She nodded to encourage him, and it was probably a good idea anyway. “Oh okay. That’s probably smart.” She faced forward as she nearly tripped over a green toddler-sized being. “Is that all?”

He frowned and glanced off to the side. “He’s just gonna think I’m such a hypocrite.”

That was not at all the answer she’d expected. “Who? Bel?”

“Yeah.” He nodded curtly. “I gave him kind of a lot of shit when he started going out with Lily and here, I am in the same situation…” He peered over at her shyly. “…I think? Sort of? I’d like to be? Please stop me.”

Penny chuckled, then schooled herself into seriousness. What she was about to say would definitely be considered confident, maybe bold. But she wanted him to know. “Yes, Greg. You called this a date, so this is our first date. The rest of the semantics don’t really matter do they?”

He shook his head; the first smile she’d ever seen from him splitting his face wide. She immediately decided she loved it.

They kept moving and he led her all the way down to the Summerlands. This was Penny’s favorite realm. She loved how it was constantly sunset, and the ocean shimmered brightly. The boardwalk had a bunch of incredible shops she already knew about, but he took her further down than she’d ever been.

The shop was called Starry Sips, and the glass door at the front was closed. She watched Greg physically pique up and rush forward.

“My sacred duty calls,” he said with a smirk as he pulled the door open and gestured for her to go inside.

She laughed and walked into the shop. Her mouth fell open as she looked around at the inside of the shop. The walls and ceiling were painted black and covered in white speckles that shined like actual stars. She couldn’t see how high above them the ceiling was, but within it, she could see the planets of the solar system slowly circling the white sun that lit up the entire room.

The coffee counter was futuristic white and lit up from within. The line wasn’t very long, and it involved many kinds of beings, some with horns, some with wings, some with tails.

“What do you think you want?” Greg asked as they got in line.

She shrugged as she squinted to read the menu. “I don’t know, maybe a latte.” She saw one called “Cinna-Bun Twist Extreme” and that felt fittingly adventurous for the day. She didn’t have to worry about toothaches from the sugar anymore, thank God.

“Hmm.” He crossed his arms over his chest and scrutinized the menu.

The being—a human soul in her mid-forties, probably—at the front of the line turned around with her drink and jumped when her eyes landed on Greg, and Greg’s arms went tighter over his torso. She looked him up and down and their eyes widened. She grabbed her drink from behind them and scurried out of the shop.

Greg said nothing but sighed loudly enough for her to hear. She frowned and reached up to his locked arm. She slipped her hand between it and his body and curled her hand into the crook of his elbow. He took a breath and his muscles slightly relaxed underneath her.

“You don’t have to,” he whispered. “I’d understand if you want to go somewhere with less people.”

She tightened her hold on his arm, raised her eyebrows and frowned more obviously. “What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “I just mean, I know I’m not exactly the most attractive guy for you to be seen with. I scare people off.”

“I don’t care who sees me. Or us. None of these people matter to me. And excuse you, I happen to think you are very handsome. Besides, I grew up in Florida, you’re about as scary as a cupcake.”

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Greg could not get over this woman. Every time she opened her mouth, she amazed him, but this, this might have been enough to send him over the edge. He knew he had to keep it light, casual. This was just coffee. If she agreed to go out with him again, then he could proceed.

He smirked as he replied, “I like to think I inspire a little more fear than that.”

She shook her head and leaned a little more into him. “Nope. In fact, I’d say some cupcakes are even scarier than you. I mean have you ever eaten a rose flavored cupcake? They taste like actual perfume it’s disgusting.”

He laughed, incredulously, and looked down to look at her more fully. “Wow, I didn’t know you were so passionate about cupcakes.”

“Oh yes, they’re very important to me.” She smiled widely.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He tapped his chin with his free hand. He refused to move his left arm, for fear she would let go and stop holding it.

The line moved up and suddenly it was their turn, so she sadly stepped away from him to speak to the female dryad. She ordered a “Cinna-Bun Twist Extreme” and the very name of it made him want to gag. He couldn’t imagine having all that sugar at once.

He ordered a black coffee; she called him a cliché. He laughed and they made their way over to one of the tiny high tops to wait.

“For the record, the way you feel about rose cupcakes is how I feel about lattes,” he said as he leaned on his elbow on the table.

She raised her eyebrows and leaned on her elbow to match him. “Seriously? How can someone hate lattes?”

“They just don’t like feel like coffee and I don’t really love sweet.”

Penny chuckled. “Well I vehemently disagree and, if you couldn’t tell, I love sweet, and I super need it after this morning.”

He wanted to ask more about that, but their number got called. They grabbed their drinks and made their way out to the boardwalk. They found a spot on to throw their legs over the side and let them dangle, and they sipped quietly for a moment.

“So, if you don’t wanna talk about it you don’t have to, but um, what had you feeling so down this morning?” He asked, in as gentle a voice as he could muster to not startle her. She’d been staring down at the ocean picking up spare pebbles,

She took another sip of her latte and kept staring forward. He didn’t expect her to say anything, but he heard her breathing change and saw her mouth open and close, more than once. So, he waited.

“I didn’t have the greatest mortal life,” she starts, “I don’t know exactly what anyone’s told you about me, but I chose to end my life when I was seventeen. I’ll spare you all the dirty details, but I only really started to understand that I wasn’t broken when I got down here. And today, one of my aunts came down to Hell. She was a big part of why I did what I did. And seeing her made me feel like I was alive again, in the worst way, and I’m upset because I feel like I let her take my progress from me, then I’m angry with myself because I was weak and I let her do that and—” She sighed. “I don’t want to ruin the mood with this. Doing this with you has made me feel a lot better. So, tell me about you.”

He reached out and gently set his hand on hers. “Just know, Penny, she can’t take anything from you ever again. And stop me if I’m overstepping, but the fact that you chose to do something that would be good for you, instead of something destructive sounds like the opposite of weak. It sounds like strength no one like your aunt could ever have.”

She whipped around to look at him. Her eyes were teary, and her nose was red. She leaned over and threw her arms around his neck, pulling him tight to her. He returned the embrace instantly and he felt hot wet tears seeping into the shoulder of his shirt.

“God I’m sorry,” she breathed out into his neck. “That was just like the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me and Jesus this is pathetic—”

He pulled back and set his hands on her shoulders to force her to look at him. “This is not pathetic. This is a perfectly normal emotional response to an intensely emotional day. I will sit here and hug you as long as you’d like.”

She smiled and leaned back into his neck. She gripped him a little tighter and he matched it, and they sat like that for a couple of minutes. Eventually she calmed herself down and leaned back, wiping the last of her tears on her hoodie sleeves.

“I was serious,” she said, and her voice shook only a little. “I want to talk about you. Tell me everything.”

“Everything would probably take me a while. I’m the Master of Level Nine, I live on R2, I have an older sister who runs a daycare center for toddlers. And my mom, Morgen makes the best blackberry pie in all the realms. Everybody loves it, but especially Lily and Bel. Seriously if you ever need to bribe either of them or something just bring them one of her pies, they’ll do whatever you want.”

Penny smiled. “I’ll have to try that.”

“I’ll bring some up to the desk to you soon.”

“That sounds great. Keep going.”

“Well Bel and I have been friends since we were tiny and he pretty much made me part of his family. Our other friend Angel, who’s a succubus joined our trio right before high school. It’s just been us three ever since, until Lily obviously and now we’re a pretty great foursome. But don’t tell any of them I said that.”

Penny giggled and the blotchy red finally went away from her cheeks. “I won’t.”

Chapter Text

They spent the rest of the day together, and Penny didn’t think she had done so much talking in his entire life. He always listened raptly, like she was the only thing in the world, and it made her feel so special she wanted to throw up. She did her best to give him the same. It was probably the greatest day of her life thus far.

The day ended far too soon, and he walked her down the steps to Hell, his fingers laced in hers. Penny pulled out her phone and shot off a text to Sharkie to distract Lily so he could sneak back over to the elevator.

They had agreed to part at the mouth of the stairwell, to keep Lily from spotting them. They both wanted to wait a while before they made any of their friends—besides Sharkie—aware, if it even got that far.

“So, does it totally go against my cool guy reputation if I say I’d like to go out again? Like, as soon as possible.” He said softly, as he stayed just before where the ceiling opened up into Hell’s Lobby, so Lily wouldn’t look up and see him.

She shrugged, “Maybe, but I won’t tell if you won’t. I want to go out again, too. I must say this was pretty great, considering it was my first date.”

Greg’s eyes went so wide that Penny got worried his eyes might pop out of his head. His eyebrows shot up to his forehead, and he grasped her bicep to keep her from moving ahead.

“Penny, did you just say this was your first date?”

She nodded, an incredulous look in her eyes. “Yeah, I didn’t exactly get a chance to date in the mortal world.”

He leaned back against the wall and ran his hands through his hair. “I got to be your first date, and all I did was take you for coffee. I wish I’d known I would have taken you to dinner or stargazing in Valhalla or something deserving of your first date—”

She cut him off by taking his face in her hands and pulling him down to her, pressing her lips against his. He stilled and leaned into the touch instantly, as one hand drifted to the back of her neck and the other splayed against the small of her back. It was definitely the best kiss she’d ever had. Every move he made was purposeful, as his lips slid against hers.

She drew back after a moment, and he followed her with his head and kissed the corner of her mouth, using his hand to keep her from taking a full step. She smiled against his mouth before properly kissing him again and pushing him against the wall. His breath hitched, and she pulled away, fully this time, stepping out of his embrace, laughing as he tried to regulate his breathing. He was with it enough to keep a grip on one of her hands, just to keep her from leaving.

“You weren’t my first one of those, but I can say with confidence that that was pretty great anyway. And this was the best first date I could have asked for, so thank you. We can do the dinner and the stargazing for the next one. I’ll see you later.” She finally walked down the last few steps, waiting until the last possible moment to release his hand.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She released his hand and left him standing there, bluescreening, as she walked back over to the desk. He wasn’t quite sure how long he stood there, but when he finally came back to reality, he ducked his head and peered out to see if Lily could see him. Thankfully, she was arguing with a soul, and he took the opportunity to cover his face with his hand and rush over to the employee elevator.

He needed to get back to work, so he could pretend he did something productive. Besides, if he were at work then he could actually be focused, and a functioning member of society, instead of just thinking about Penny and her beautiful eyes and her soft hands and the feeling of her lips on his—fuck.

He had to get back to work. This would kill him otherwise.

His phone went off as the elevator dinged open to let him in, and he glanced down to see a text from Bel.

wyd rn

Ah, Sharkie had taught him more text-speak. Great. He stepped into the elevator and hit the button for Level Nine before replying.

Nothing. Why? Greg assumed Bel knew from Lily about the date that Penny had just been on, and he prayed he wasn’t calling him down to question him about which of his coworkers had taken a half day that day. Penny had told him they knew her mystery date worked on Nine, but had assumed that it wasn’t him.

It wasn’t an unfair assumption, considering the way Greg had acted when Lily and Bel first started dating, and it worked in their favor, but he was a little offended that they didn’t even consider him a possibility for her.

Maybe he shouldn’t be one. Nope, no crisis of worth today. She said she had a great time and that he was a good kisser. She wouldn’t say that if she didn’t mean it.

Bel texted back and pulled him from his thoughts. i have procured girl scout cookies

Oh, Hell yeah. This would be a much better way to spend the rest of his evening.

Thin Mints? He replied—even though he knew the answer—as he pressed the elevator button for Bel’s admin level.

obviously

I’m already in the elevator.

Greg stuck his phone in his pocket and waited.

He arrived at Bel’s office ten minutes later, ready to chow down. He pushed open the door without knocking, confident that there would be nothing waiting to traumatize him with Lily still up at the Hellp desk. Bel was spread out across the better of his two couches—the one by his desk, as he and Lily both agreed—wings stretched out behind him, hand wrapped around a full sleeve of Samoas.

“What took you so long to get down here, dude? Level Nine’s like two elevator levels—Wow, Greg, you’re cheesing. What has you so chipper this evening?” The general reached down next to him and threw a sleeve of Thin Mints at the shorter demon.

He realized then that he was smiling, and he had been since Penny walked away from him on the stairs. The moment he realized it, he tried to stop, but his muscles seemed to lock into place. Fuck. Bel laughed as Greg plopped onto the couch beside him.

“I’m… fine. I just had a good day.”

Bel sat up and looked at him incredulously. He leaned even closer, squinting at Greg’s face.

“What? Do I have something on my face?” He didn’t think he did, and Peny would have told him if he had any coffee on his mouth, or she would have kissed it off.

Fuck he was smiling again.

Bel shook his head. “Are you… wearing lip gloss?”

Greg’s eyes widened for half a millisecond. Shit maybe her kiss had left behind something more than just a sensation that rattled his brain. He couldn’t tell Bel, not yet, he’d jinx it. So, he relaxed, shrugged, and slipped immediately into his annoyed superior persona.

“I’m trying something new.” He raised his eyebrows challengingly at his best friend. “Do you have a problem with that?”

Bel rolled his eyes and slumped back down against the couch. “I have a problem with the fact that it’s totally not your color, and it looks like you applied it with your eyes closed. Half of it’s not even on your mouth, it’s on your cupid’s bow.”

Greg huffed, dragged his thumb across his upper lip to wipe the product away and really leaned into the lie. “Uh, sorry, you’re the makeup expert in this relationship. You know I’m better at hair.”

Bel grasped his chest, dramatically, his mouth open in mock offense. “Have you forgotten everything I’ve taught you?” He threw another Samoa into his mouth.

“Listen you try to teach me a lot of things, man. It’s been in one ear and out the other for a century.” He finally tore open his roll of thin mints and went to eat one, when a throw pillow smacked into his hand and sent the cookie flying.

His head snapped to look at Bel, whose eyes widened with the realization of what he’d just done. “You will pay for that,” he said, eerily calm. “You won’t know when, or how, but you will.” He crunched loudly on a fresh cookie.

Bel’s eyes went even wider somehow, and he scooted further away from Greg. “Damn man, have you been practicing that? That was way more bone-chilling than last time.”

Greg shrugged and had another cookie. “I’ve been a little tired of cleaning blood off my clothes every day. I’ve been trying a more… psychological approach.”

“Well, it’s effective. Shit, don’t do that again.” He stared ahead and fearfully snacked on another cookie.

Greg rolled his eyes and further relaxed into the couch. “You are a decorated general and have been through multiple wars, and you can’t handle a vague threat from me?”

“Well, you are a scary little man,” he replied with a slight smirk, knowing that he’d just set Greg off.

Greg huffed and used a cookie to calm himself down. He replied calmly, “I’m not that much shorter than you.” Now it was his turn to smirk. “Besides, those extra two inches ended up where it really matters. Can you say the same, Beleth?”

“You little bitch.”

And now they were definitely going to fistfight.

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Penny wandered back around the wall and over to her desk and found that there were very few souls at the Hellp Desk. She knew she was in for the most intense interrogation of her life. She was grinning ear to ear, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to suppress it enough to seem nonchalant.

Sharkie saw her first and, in the most indiscreet way ever, punched Lily in the arm before going back to dealing with the crotchety old soul in front of her. Lily’s eyes snapped up, and her gaze lit up at the sight of her. She stared at her for a second before her mouth quirked up in a smirk, and she set a hand on her hip.

“Well, someone had a good time today,” Lily said, as she kicked her feet up on her desk. “You’ve got lip gloss on the side of your mouth.”

Penny hurriedly wiped the side of her mouth on her sleeve, and the tips of her ears went red. She’d let her hair down on the way back from the Summerlands, and she’d unfortunately tucked it behind her ears. Everyone could definitely see it. She just shrugged and sat down behind her desk.

Lily slipped her feet back down, leaned over her desk, and gestured with her hands. “Well? Come on, spill, we want details!”

“If the details are sticky in nature, I don’t wanna hear!” Sharkie called from Lily’s other side.

Penny laughed, and any nerves in her stomach unraveled. “Guys, I promise it’s not that exciting. He took me to this cute little coffee place in the Summerlands, then I had an emotional breakdown on the boardwalk.”

Lily’s eyebrows rose, and she leaned over to hug her. “Oh my God, are you okay?”

Penny returned the hug and nodded into Lily’s shoulder. “Yeah, he was just really sweet and nice to me, and all of…” She gestured with her hands at Sharkie, even though Lily couldn’t see it. “…today, hit me like a truck. He held me, though, and then on the way back, I… kissed him on the stairs.”

Lily’s face broke into a wide smile as she pulled out of the hug and held Penny by her arms. “Okay, Penny! Look at you being bold.”

Penny smiled to herself and looked down, suddenly very interested in the cracks of stone on the side of the desk. “I hope I didn’t freak him out. He was totally zoned out when I walked away.”

Lily smirked and leaned back against the wall. “Uh, I think you left him bluescreening, babe. Who knew you were such a Casanova?”

Penny rolled her eyes. “I am not. If anything, it was him. He was great kisser.” She sighed blissfully and leaned back in her chair with her eyes closed.

Lily chuckled and crossed her arms across her chest as she replied. “Yes, well, demons are known for that. But, since your only experience in the mortal world was high school boys, anything would have been better.”

“You’re probably right about that,” Penny replied as she pulled the “Closed” placard off her desk and waited for a line to form.

A couple of hours and dozens of unsatisfyingly awful souls later, Penny was getting ready to head down to her room on Level One when her phone went off. She opened her messages to see a link to a Google Form from Greg.

She smiled to herself and clicked on it, and a large header appeared on the screen. “Your First Date with Greg” Underneath, in smaller text read, “Please complete the following form to review the first date that you went on with Greg this afternoon.”

Penny giggled and sat back down in her chair, after making sure that the “Closed” plaque was back up. She scrolled through the first couple of questions, and it only made her laugh harder. There were only five, but each one was better than the last.

Lily looked up from her little handbag and smiled at Penny. “What, is your Level Nine Hottie texting you?”

She nodded. “He just sent me a post-date survey.”

Lily laughed and leaned over to see Penny’s phone screen. “Oh my god, please read me some of the questions.”

“Okay, number one, rate from one to ten—” She was about to read Greg’s name out loud, but she stopped herself. “—Level Nine Hottie’s choice of location for this date.”

Lily laughed again and ran one of her hands through her auburn hair. “Okayyy, I think I love him.”

Penny shook her head and hit a ten on the scale. “Oh, it gets better. Number two, if you had full control of this date, is there something you would have done differently? And three is just “If you answered yes above, please elaborate.” She hit the yes choice, then elaborated in the box of the next question. “I would have preferred not to cry, but that’s not really his fault,” She spoke aloud as she typed.

“Well, yeah, but you can appreciate the request for feedback. What’s the next one?”

Penny giggled and scrolled further down again. “Four, please provide the flavor of your lip gloss. Level Nine Hottie thought it was delicious.”

“Did you use one of the ones from the bathroom?” asked Lily as she climbed over her desk instead of just walking around it.

Penny nodded and took the normal way out from behind her desk. “Yeah, the red one, I think. I used my fingers, though; I didn’t put my mouth on the applicator.”

Lily shrugged, “Girl, I don’t care about that, it’s not like we can get sick anymore. The red one is the cranberry, I’m pretty sure. Wow, really works every time.”

Penny typed that answer into the box provided and stuck her phone in her pocket. “Sure did. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She gave Lily a side hug, turned, and walked away, headed for the steps to Hell’s therapy levels.

She had one last question to answer on the survey, and she pulled her phone back out of her pocket as she reached her room. The last one, number five, read “Do you want to go on a second date with Gregorith?”

She smiled to herself, pressed her thumb against the “yes” box, and submitted the survey to Greg.