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This was how Buck was going to die. Not in a blaze of glory or peacefully in his sleep. There. In a parking lot. Surrounded by so many guns and one very specific one rammed into his cheek.
He’d realized what was happening too late.
Buck wanted to blame it on the shift from hell. Non stop calls that could’ve rivaled someone saying the Q word except every call got more laborious and more intense the longer they went on until they were all fried physically and emotionally by the end of their shift. They’d all left with a slump in their shoulders and a half hearted wave with murmured goodbyes that blurred together until Buck realized he’d been sitting in his Jeep with one leg hanging out and the keys in the ignition just full on disassociating. The engine hadn’t even been turned on, Buck had just been bathing in the glorious silence for twenty minutes.
Totally normal. Right?
But as much as his shift had sucked, it wasn’t that. Well, it wasn’t completely that.
Buck hadn’t been sleeping well in weeks. Not since he’d rolled over and caught the faint scent of Tommy lingering in his sheets and Buck had raged washed all his bedding at three in the morning only to instantly regret it the moment they came out of the dryer.
Buck wasn’t too proud to admit that he’d fought back tears the rest of the night and gotten rid of his laundry detergent the next morning.
It was stupid. He was stupid. But he couldn’t seem to get past the way the bed felt too big without Tommy’s warm body pressed against his own until he was almost overheated and sticky with sweat. Again, Buck knew it was stupid. It wasn’t like he hadn’t shared a bed with a partner before. Taylor had been his longest relationship to share a bed with him and he’d gotten used to the emptiness in a week since she didn’t take up much space anyway.
So it was stupid. Buck did sleep! He slept just fine in his too small bunk at the station or on the couch with the sounds of the team around him where he knew he wasn’t alone.
They were worried.
Buck knew that.
But he was fine.
Really, he was fine.
Current predicament aside… He was fine.
He was going to blame it on the exhaustion.
That was the only thing he had going for him.
Sleep deprivation was the only reason anyone would accidentally walk into an armed robbery like he had.
Frankly, Buck didn’t know who was more surprised, him or the guy with the gun staring at him like he’d just walked through another dimension instead of the front door of a 7/11 wanting to get gas station snacks to drown out his sorrows on the couch for the rest of the night. But then everything had happened in a blur. The cold sweat had slicked down his back the instant his hands had gone up and the gun had swung in his direction. The wail of the police siren had shattered the space between one heartbeat and the next. Then Buck was falling to the floor with his cheek radiating so much pain that it stole his vision and left him with nothing but white static that burned across his vision.
Two guys with guns. One that Buck had missed in the shock of seeing the first.
“Fuck!” The voice croaked above him before that sharp, burning pain twisted up into his scalp as his hair was yanked up by the roots. “Screw this man! I’m going!”
“Dude! What are you—”
Buck cried out as he was dragged around by his hair.
“Let’s go!” The man barked in Buck’s ear before an arm wrapped around his throat and pulled him down onto a too short shoulder. Buck’s back twinged at the odd angle but he barely got a chance to get his feet under him before he was being twisted and pulled out the door again. “Which one is yours? You’re driving! Which one is yours!”
“The jeep!” Buck gasped, the arm around his windpipe making air a hard concept with the pulsing in his cheek and the burning of his scalp.
“Unlock it! Let’s go!”
Buck didn’t even get the chance to grab his keys from his pocket.
Police cars slid into the parking lot with a squeal of wheels, their lights a whirling dizzying twist of red and blues that made Buck’s stomach churn until his mouth watered with the urge to be sick.
The shouting started after that and then the gun pressed to his cheek and bruised into his skin until he was sure the barrel would be imprinted onto his face. Buck’s captor fell back with a curse, taking Buck with him until they were using the ice box as a shield to their back.
“Get back!
Everything blurred together, happening too fast for Buck to keep up which way was up or down. The front door of the store slammed open with a shout before someone ran out and police were screaming again and and and…
Tommy didn’t consider himself a violent man. Not by nature at least. Growing up with his old man made nurture into survival and he knew how to throw a punch when he needed to.
He was two seconds away from doing just that. His nails dug into the flesh of his palm as his knuckles popped and he knew with a hundred percent certainty that if he lost control he would be arrested very shortly after but he didn’t give a single flying fu—
“He’s good!” Athena’s voice broke through like a sparrow cutting through a hurricane, screeching for attention in the storm inside his head. “Let him through!”
Tommy barely made it through the flimsy police barricade without yanking it down to get through.
“Sergeant Grant!” Athena made a face at that but didn’t correct him like she usually did. “Where is he?”
“This way,” she said simply and Tommy’s racing heart rate would thank her later for not even stopping to wait for him. She simply swiveled on her heel and expected him to follow.
He did. Somehow. Somehow he followed her through the chaos of bodies moving across the parking lot through the thick syrup of tension. His knees felt weak beneath him as he took in the scene.
“He’s okay,” Athena said over her shoulder. “But he won’t let me call anyone or go to the hospital. I’m hoping you can talk some sense into him.”
“Hospital?” Tommy demanded and Athena held up her hand.
“He’s okay,” she said again before she stopped and pressed her palm to his sternum. It wasn’t hard but it was firm and it was enough to rock Tommy back on his heels. “Tommy, listen to me.”
Tommy couldn’t see him. He was scanning the crowd over Athena’s head but he couldn’t see him. He could see everyone else, tight expressions contrasting the traumatized crying and detectives and crime techs, but not him. Not Evan.
“Tommy!” Tommy’s eyes snapped down to Athena again and her eyebrow cocked into a high arch on her forehead. “He is okay. He’s shaken up but he’s alive.”
Hearing that made the tightness in Tommy’s chest ease just a fraction but it was enough for him to exhale. It was enough to let out that stale, brittle sip of air that had been prickling in his lungs and burning at his throat from between his lips. Ever since he’d gotten the call, a frown marring his face at the unfamiliar number, he’d been holding that breath as he raced to get his keys and drove halfway across town desperately fiddling with the radio for some kind of information that meant he wasn’t walking into the situation totally blind.
“He’s okay?” Tommy asked anyway.
Athena nodded once but her mouth was pinched in a sharp pucker. “He’s okay. But he’s…”
Athena stopped and let her eyes drift to the side.
Tommy followed her gaze and felt his blood turn to ice at the white sheet draped over what his brain was slow to realize was a body. The ground was wet and Tommy chose not to dwell on what was a trick of the light and what was blood.
“It was close.” Athena said. “Too close. I need you to lock in and talk some sense into him.”
Tommy opened his mouth to argue. On the list of people in his life, Tommy should’ve been the last who could talk some sense into Evan. He didn’t even know what they were anymore. They weren’t boyfriends. But to call Evan an ex felt incomplete. It felt wrong. They weren’t friends either even though it had been weeks and Tommy still felt like he was orbiting around Evan night and day. And yet the thought of someone else receiving the call, someone else being there for Evan while Tommy might have never known, was enough to nearly make him rip his hair out.
“He doesn’t want anyone to know. But he needs them, Tommy.” Athena pressed. “And he needs to at least be checked out by a doctor. Just please, talk to him.”
Every one of Tommy’s instincts told him to run. It was too much, too real, too close to the line he’d sworn he would never cross unless he was absolutely sure.
But the tight pull in his chest was begging him to stay. That gravitational pull of Evan Evan Evan had him caught up in his orbit still.
Tommy nodded. “I’ll try.”
“He’s over there,” Athena said, pointing to an ambulance. “I’ll be over when I can.”
Again Tommy nodded and then let himself hurry over to the ambulance. He didn’t quite run but it was a close thing. He rounded the corner where familiar long legs were hanging off the bumper and —
His heart broke a little when he saw Evan.
Athena hadn’t lied to him. Evan was alive and while he was far from fine, he was okay. There was a cut going through his brow held together by a few steri-strips and a bruise across his cheek that ignited that urge to start swinging again but he was alive. He was alive and he was whole and he was shaking.
It was a tremble that he couldn’t hide even beneath the shock blanket draped over his shoulders. A terrible, all consuming thing that Tommy unfortunately knew well. It was a whole different thing to see it holding Evan captive though.
“Evan,” Tommy breathed before he even realized he was speaking.
Shiny blue eyes darted up and Tommy managed to catch a glimpse of the red almost welt strapped across Evan’s throat before he forced himself to move.
“T-Tommy?” Evan said, blinking like he couldn’t quite believe his eyes. A small smile twitched across his lips before Evan blinked again and he was still trembling. “He—hey! Hi! What… what are you doing here?”
He was pale, his skin slick with almost grey sheen that made his eyes nearly sunken in with exhaustion that bruised circles beneath them.
“Sergeant Grant called me,” Tommy said, crossing the distance between them in three easy strides. “Said someone used you as a human shield and you thought you’d get away with not telling anyone.”
He was trying for light. That was familiar territory. Light. Easy. Pretending.
There was blood on his face, flecks of dried blood that Tommy knew somewhere in his gut wasn’t Evan’s.
Evan pouted. “I—I’m okay.”
“Yeah?” Tommy hedged and he wanted to touch him. He wanted to cup his cheek and tell him it was going to be okay. He wanted to touch him so bad it hurt. “Think you could let a doctor confirm that?”
Evan’s lips twitched like he could see right through him. The scary thing was, he usually could. “I just… I’m really tired. Can’t really stop shaking.”
The crash. Every first responder knew it well. Evan’s body was at war with itself, fighting the adrenaline crash by skittering his blood beneath his skin and his nervous system trying to shut down and make him sleep.
“You… you didn’t have to come,” Evan said and the sting nestled under Tommy’s ribs. He pushed it away and focused on Evan. He had to focus on Evan because Evan may not want him but he needed someone.
Tommy was available. He would always be available.
“I can call E—”
“No!” Evan’s eyes went wide as he sat up, the trembling racking up into a high frequency that practically made his teeth chatter. “No please. I just…. I just need…”
A soft sound fell from his lips as he hunched in on himself, making himself small, and Tommy dropped down to his knees in front of him.
“Hey,” he said, searching up to catch Evan’s gaze. “What is it? What do you need?”
Evan’s lip trembled and that sound fell from his lips again, louder and more obviously a sob he couldn’t keep back. The sheen in Evan’s eyes grew wet and he was right there on the edge; right there and desperately trying to hold on.
Tommy smoothed a hand over his thigh. “Talk to me, baby. What do you need?”
“Tommy,” Evan breathed and then Tommy’s arms full of Evan’s trembling form.
Tommy held him tight, folding onto the pavement so he could take more of him into his lap.
He was shaking like he was about to break into a million pieces.
Tommy wouldn’t let him. He’d catch each one and put them back in their rightful place if he had to.
“I’m here,” Tommy said into his hair as the hot brand of tears scalded into his neck. “You’re safe. It’s okay. I’m here.”
“You’re here?” Buck hiccupped and something in Tommy’s chest cracked wide open.
“Yeah Evan,” Tommy said, holding him even tighter. “I’m here.”
They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, Evan’s breath stuttering any time Tommy’s hold loosened just a fraction. The asphalt beneath them had made Tommy’s ass go numb and the people working the scene had started giving them weird looks. Even still, Tommy waited until Evan’s breathing had calmed down and the trembling didn’t feel quite so devastating. One paramedic was starting to circle them like a shark waiting to pounce and Tommy remembered his promise he’d made to Sergeant Grant.
“Hey,” Tommy said into Buck’s hair, smoothing his hand up and down his spine. “Let’s get you checked out, huh?”
The sound Evan let out was nothing short of a groan as he shook his head. With a sigh he pulled himself up and the space between them immediately filled with too cold air that wanted to burrow beneath Tommy’s ribs and poison him. Buck’s hand shot up to cover his face, rubbing hard at the already pink skin.
“No,” he said, his voice a little hoarse still with emotion. “I’m fine. I just want to go home.”
“Evan,” Tommy said, his name a familiar weight on his tongue that he missed saying so much. “No offense babe, but you look terrible.”
He’d been trying for a joke again; anything to dull the edge of the tension that was brewing between them like a thunderstorm he couldn’t hide from. But it fell flat and misshapen.
Evan’s fingers turned white as he pressed them hard into his eyes.
“Yeah,” Buck said and the bitterness that crept into his voice was strange coming from him. “Yeah I know. I… uh… I haven’t been… sleeping much lately.”
Before Tommy could ask him what that meant, Evan pushed himself up and out of his arms. Tommy’s knees cracked as he scrambled to follow and the headrush nearly sent him back down to the ground as he watched it all happen in front of his very eyes.
He used to marvel at how much he could see in Evan. Every tiny emotion, every sudden joy, every ounce of insecurity had been clear as day on his face even when he didn’t want you to see it. But Tommy had been able to see it. He’d been learning how to see it and translate it and understand what it meant when Evan struggled to look him in the eyes or ticked his lips to the side. But that had been before.
Now all he saw were walls. Each one erected brick by brick as Evan tried to protect himself.
Tommy would know. He had his own walls he hid behind every day of his life.
“Evan,” Tommy started and Evan wrapped his arms around his torso and squeezed tight.
“Um,” Buck said, his voice cracking on the first stutter. His eyes were red rimmed and raw and Evan wouldn’t even look at him. Tommy deserved it but it still stung. “Thanks… you know… for coming.”
“It was no trouble.” And Tommy wanted Evan to know he meant that.
But Evan wouldn’t look at him.
“You didn’t have to do that. I know you’ve been wanting space.” What Tommy wanted was to reel Evan back into his arms and hold him so close not an inch of space existed between them. Like they had been moments earlier. But that moment was gone. Buck swung his gaze up and over his shoulder like he was looking for an escape. “I just… Um… I just need to finish up here and then see if I can call an uber to take me home. So I’m just—”
“Evan.” Tommy stopped him. “I can take you home.”
But Buck flinched away and a punch to the gut would’ve been easier to take.
“You don’t have to do that. I’m not your problem anymore.”
Battery acid burned at the back of Tommy’s throat. “You’ve never been my problem! You—”
“I’m fine. I just… wasn’t expecting…that.” Buck waved a hand in the direction of the crime scene. “I just want to go home so I’m going to uh… I’m going to go home.”
And Evan was trying so hard to hold it together that he didn’t hear the cracks in his voice.
Tommy did.
Tommy heard every stuttered inhalation, every choked breath held, and every rattled exhalation like they were his own.
“Let me drive you.” Evan looked at him then, a sharp skeptical thing that only seemed to highlight the dark circles under his eyes. Tommy tipped his head at him. “C’mon. Let me take you home.”
Evan shook his head. “I’m okay.”
“No,” Tommy said and he caught his gaze before he could look away, holding it like it was something fragile and tender. “No, you’re not. No one is expecting you to be fine either.”
Buck sucked in a breath to argue and Tommy pushed just a fraction more. Just a quiet nudge was all Evan ever needed in the right direction.
A chasm had tunneled between them and Tommy crossed it. He stepped forward and tried not to think too hard about the way every ugly, angry voice in his head told him to run, you don’t deserve him, you don’t deserve this, this is your fault, run you coward runrunrun—
Tommy cut off the cycle and settled his hands over the smooth curve just above Evan’s elbows.
Evan let out the breath and Tommy could’ve sworn he felt it ripple all the way through his body.
“You don’t want to tell the others? Fine. But then let me do it.” Tommy kept his voice low so only Buck could hear. The weight in his hands got heavier and heavier until the white knuckle grip Buck had around himself eased up a bit. “Let me take care of you, Evan.”
Evan blinked at him, blue eyes practically piercing right through Tommy like he was transparent and hollow. They skated away, flickering back and forth and taking in the scene around them. The memory from their disastrous first date flashed back into Tommy’s mind in stunning clarity and his chest tightened with the same fluttering anticipation it had then.
But this was different. This was so much more different that it made that fluttering ache in a way it hadn’t the first time.
Evan exhaled and his arms released their tight hold around him, falling down at his side. Tommy’s hands fell with them until his fingers were curving into the still trembling shelter of Buck’s palms.
Evan nodded. “Okay.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Evan nodded again and Tommy almost missed the tremble of his lip before Buck was locking his jaw tight again. “I just… I just really want to go home. Please.”
Buck’s fingers curled tight around Tommy’s as if they were the only thing holding him afloat.
“Okay.”
The pink tinge had long since swirled away through the drain at his feet and the water temperature had long since gone cold but Buck was still burning with deep humiliation coursing through his veins.
Buck didn’t know why Athena called him. She shouldn’t have called him.
But Tommy was still there, lingering on the precipice of Buck’s ability to deal with anything else the universe wanted to throw his way.
It hadn’t been the first time Tommy had seen him cry in their relationship but it’d been the first time he’d seen Buck crash out the way he had.
He’d been fine! He was alive and despite the throbbing in his cheek, he was relatively unscathed. There’d been the ringing in his ear that the paramedic had said would go away with time and that it’d just been from the g—
Buck turned off the water and snatched the towel from the hook before stepping out onto the too cold tile.
Buck was fine.
Embarrassed but fine. Despite everything, Buck knew there wasn’t any way he’d be able to keep the news about his evening a secret from the others. But he’d bought himself some time to get some sleep and put himself together before the ultimate fussing and worry washed over him.
He just wished Tommy didn’t have to see him like that. Not that Tommy had said anything. He’d simply kissed Buck’s hairline and held his hand and made promises on Buck’s behalf that yes, he would go get checked out if anything changed and yes, he would work on the whole being dehydrated thing and no, he didn’t think he needed anything else.
Just sleep. Just sleep and…
Tommy was still waiting for Buck as he stepped out of the bathroom, his long body folded nearly in half at the edge of his bed, his elbows braced on his knees as if in prayer.
“Better?” He asked, standing up and reaching behind him for something.
Sweats. A pair that Buck had stolen one night and never given back. His favorite pair that he’d pushed into exile after their break up because being in Tommy’s clothes reminded him of being with Tommy and Buck didn’t have the nerve to throw them out yet.
Buck took them because as awkward as he felt crying all over Tommy, standing naked in front of him was even worse.
“Thanks,” Buck said, trying not to cry again when Tommy handed him a pair of rolled up socks too. “I’ll… um… make sure to wash these and give them back to you.”
“No need,” Tommy said, shoving his hands in his pockets as Buck got dressed. “I let you keep them for a reason.”
The reason being that Tommy had liked Buck in his clothes. He’d obsessed over it ever since Buck had come back from a shift with a hoodie that said KINARD on the back and tales of how much shit his friends have given him for it.
Buck liked wearing Tommy’s clothes too.
But they weren’t together anymore. And despite whatever he said, Buck knew he was a problem that wouldn’t go away sometimes. Tommy was too nice of a person to say otherwise. Bitchy and snarky with a sense of humor that could cut through ice but gentle all the same.
He’d always been gentle with him.
Buck swallowed past the lump in his throat and looked for a shirt.
“How’s your cheek?” Tommy asked and when Buck turned around he was right there. Right in Buck’s space in a way that felt familiar and forbidden all at the same time.
Buck sucked in a sharp breath but let Tommy tip his chin up before ghosting his thumb over the bruise forming across his skin.
“Sore,” Buck said but only because he’d flinched too soon to hide it. “But it’s fine.”
“No it’s not,” Tommy said and Buck felt something tug in his chest at the thundering murmur of those words ghosting across his cheek. “What else can I do?”
It took everything in Buck not to cave and press his cheek into those fingers. He squeezed his eyes shut and rolled his lip between his teeth as he tried to reel himself back in before he did something else to embarrass himself. “Nothing. You don’t have to stay. I’m okay. I just—”
“Evan,” Tommy said and Buck would blame the exhaustion for the way he melted at the sound of his own name. He waited until Buck opened his eyes and looked at him, really looked at him. “I want to help. Please let me.”
And it wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair!
Buck had been too much for Tommy and Tommy had left. He’d been afraid Buck would break him and he’d left. Buck needed to get on board with that.
He had been!
But Tommy was there and Tommy was gentle and the contrast between the gentle touch and the phantom pains that still skittered down his scalp every time he so much as turned his head were warring inside of him.
“Will you stay? For a little while?” Buck asked and almost immediately wanted to take them back. “I-I know you don’t—”
Tommy smoothed a hand over his scalp and smothered the sting with his touch. “I’ll stay as long as you want me.”
I wanted forever. Buck nearly said. It was right on the tip of his tongue, barbed with enough resentment he could muster to push Tommy away.
But Buck was exhausted. Too exhausted to fight. Too exhausted to pretend like he was fine.
“Will you hold me?” He asked, a broken whisper of a thing kept safe between the shelter of them.
Then Tommy kissed the top of Buck’s head again and pulled Buck into bed. Thick arms curled around him and Buck buried his nose into the column of Tommy’s throat, inhaling the scent he’d washed away so many nights again.
It wasn’t enough. It didn’t fix anything. They both were still a little broken and terrified of breaking some more. But for the first night since Buck didn’t know how long, he slept to the lullaby of Tommy’s breathing and the sweeping motion of fingertips through his hair.