Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“I had a dream about a burning house, you were stuck inside, I couldn’t get you out”

 Burning House, Cam

Shane didn’t dream anymore, not really. Just the flicker of flames behind his eyelids, and Jas calling his name like a heartbeat over the sound of screams that never were.

Shane stared at the ceiling of his room, dull and lifeless. It lacked paint or stars, just the exposed beams of an old farmhouse. It looked the same as it did every morning, and every morning it looked wrong. 

He ignored the gnawing grief like he always did, sitting up with a grunt. His bones creaked and ached, the skin of his back growing uncomfortably taut as his muscles flexed, the feeling hot and uncomfortable. He threw his legs over the side of the bed, shifting his shirt until the fabric didn’t burn where it touched his back. He yawned, jaw popping and lungs screaming as he let out a gasping cough immediately after, thumping his chest with a closed fist.

He changed quickly, skin crawling in the short time his shirt was off, only relaxing once he was covered in both his work shirt and jacket, patting the inhaler in his pocket on habit. He still needed to shower, but he didn’t dare keep his shirt off for long.

Shane glanced at the clock, unsurprised to see he’d woken up an hour before his alarm. He did most mornings these days, waking up already in the hallways with sweat on his skin and smoke on his tongue as he rushed to get to Jas. At least he had woken up in bed this time, not stumbling around trying to ‘rescue’ a kid that was peacefully sleeping.

Still, even on a morning he hadn’t woken up in her doorway, he found himself there. 

He stared at her sleeping form, watching her chest rise and fall. She was sprawled out over the covers, mouth open and drool leaking from her mouth.

She snored like her father.

He stepped into the room quietly, taking care to step around the spots he knew would creak, bare feet sinking into the purple shag rug. He tucked escaped hair back into her silk wrap, watching her nose scrunch in her sleep. God, she looked just like her mom.

His fingers lingered on her brow, soul calming for the barest moment. She was asleep. She was safe. At this moment she wasn’t looking to him for everything, she was just peacefully sleeping. He didn’t have to feel guilty yet for avoiding her affection because it made him sick with grief, he didn’t have to look into her father’s eyes, he could just feel her skin under his fingers and know she was okay.

He watched her a moment longer. Then, afraid to stay and more afraid to wake her, he backed out of the room and let the darkness of the hallway swallow him.

The coffee maker greeted him like an old friend, groaning and rattling its way through brewing a cup of coffee. It smelled bitter and acrid the way Jojomart brand coffee beans always smelled, burning his nose and tasting like shit, but it kept him going and that was enough.

He held the warm mug in his hands, wondering if the porcelain would have burned if he still had feeling in his palms. He took a sip, scorching his tongue. Yep, tasted like shit.

“Uncle Shane?”

Every muscle in his body went stiff, a cold chill washing over him before he forced a handle back on his emotions and turned around.

Little Jas stood in the doorway, the dark entryway behind her as she knuckled at her eyes. She was wearing a nightgown covered in cartoon ice cream and had bunny slippers on, hair free from her wrap and curls frizzing out into a messy afro. Deep blue eyes tinged with a shade of violet blinked up at him, hazy with sleep and achingly familiar. 

“Y-yeah?” He cleared his throat when the word got stuck, forcing it out. 

“‘M hungry. Want eggs.” She stumbled her way to the kitchen table, yawning sleepily as she slid into the wooden chair far too big for her. Her spindly little six-year-old limbs flailed as she clambered onto the seat, knees ending up pulled to her chest as she rested her head on them. 

“Want me to get Marnie? I bet she’s up feeding the cows. She makes them better.” 

Jass shook her head, hair bouncing and falling into her eyes. She pushed it back, sticking out her lip at him.

“No.” She said with the firmness of a child. “I want you to make them.”

Shane sighed, pulling the carton of eggs from the fridge to the background noise of Jas’s cheering. As always they had a ton, the basket of fresh eggs on the counter as well. He knew Marnie wanted to use up the fridge eggs first.

His hand almost touched the stove dial when his brain caught up to him. It was an old thing, a gas stove made of white metal, older than Jas. He’d always hated it, he avoided using the stove top when he could, surviving off of microwaveable meals and frozen pizza. Could he make eggs in the microwave?

He glanced at Jas, watching as she set her dolly on the table and began to quietly talk to it. He looked back at the stove top, at the metal disk inside ready to burst into flame if he twisted the dial. 

He hesitated. She wanted eggs. He should be able to make eggs for her, right? All he had to do was twist the dial. He’d made eggs thousands of times, always a little burnt or soggy. Iris used to complain he sucked at making breakfast, sitting on the counter beside him with her feet swinging and music playing. She’d steal a piece of egg straight from the pan and pop it into her mouth, wrinkling her nose in mock disgust at the taste even as she stole another bite.

“You burn eggs like it’s a superpower!” She’d tease him, her accent lilting her words beautifully as she nudged his side with her bare foot.

He’d roll his eyes, poking her with the spatula just to hear her shriek.

“Have Joel make your eggs then, princess.”

“Nah.” She grinned at him, purple curls falling in her face and the very stars in her eyes. “He somehow makes them worse.”

He swallowed the bile in his throat, fingers touching the dial. He forced himself to twist it, hand shaking.

It clicked. Once. Twice. Too many, too fast. 

He turned it back just as flickers of orange flame started to jump from the pilot, smothering it as he choked on his breath.

Just then, the door opened as Marnie burst in, kicking the mud from her boots. The brisk morning air rushed in, making Jas shiver as she turned around in her seat to great her adoptive aunt. The burly woman pulled off her boots and smiled at them as she shook hay off her flannel.

“Glad I didn’t wake anyone! Why are you two up so early?” She looked delighted at seeing the two of them together, ruffling Jas’s messy hair as she passed.

“I’m needed at work early. Jas wants eggs.” He put distance between him and the stove, crossing around the table until it was a physical barrier.

Jas whined, jaw setting in an angry pout.

“I wan’ you to make em!” She protested.

“My eggs are shi- bad. Marnie makes them better. I have to- I should head to work.” Marnie was here. If Marnie was here Jas was safe, and he could leave. He was horrible for leaving, he knew that, but he was running all the same. Good ol’ Callahan instinct, to run away.

“Shane, it’s still dark outside.” Marnie crossed the kitchen anyway, a disappointed frown on her face. She wore that expression a lot these days when she looked at him. It was a pitying sort of displeasure, the kind of someone who knew too much but not enough.

“Morris wants me to unpack a shipment. Sorry.” He lied through his teeth as he pulled on his shoes, forgoing his shower. He could just get a head start on cleaning, do some of that pink Sam’s job for him.

“Oh.” Jas sounded crushed, making his chest tighten. 

She leaned her head against his side as he passed, resting there for just a second.

“Love you,” she mumbled, eyes still half-closed.

His breath caught. He hesitated before ruffling her hair life Marnie had, movement stiff and awkward as he pulled away.

He paused in the doorway, stopping even as the burner flared to life with a whoosh that made his mouth taste like ash.

“Love you too, Princess.”

He shut the door behind him and walked into the dusk, breathing in the chilly air until his lungs burned. 

Chapter Text

“Like a heartbeat drives you mad… in the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost.”  
Dreams, Fleetwood Mac

Rain had come through Pelican Town in the early hours. The sound of raindrops pitter-pattering on the rooftop was something that might be soothing to the villagers of Pelican Town, but not to Harvey. 

He rolls over with a groan, squinting at his alarm clock. It was only 4:30, yet the second the rain fell, he was wide awake. He reaches out to his bedside table and switches on the lamp. Clumsily, he places his glasses on, and rolls out of bed. Reaching for his cane, he stood, joints stiff. His leg always hurts worse in the rain. He takes a few uneven steps towards his radio and taps the power button. 

Static. He turns up the volume. 

He wants to sleep- he was exhausted after setting up the new clinic and moving in. Of course it rained. With a glance at his bed, and the growing sound of rain overhead, he knew that he wouldn’t be falling asleep anytime soon. The radio wasn’t going to drown out the noise. He’d need to be up for work in a few hours anyway. 

Make yourself busy, Harvey. 

And so he does. He puts on a pot of coffee and takes a shower, focusing on different tasks, refusing to let his mind wander. At first he thinks to himself, Wash your face. Wash your hair. Shave. Until he finally starts to think about the day ahead of him instead. 

With the help of the Mayor, he’d sent out letters to the villagers prior to the opening of the clinic to inform them of the practice opening. He’d invited them to enroll in his practice. He had a lot of takers, as there were no physicians nearby. Almost everyone he wrote to gave him a call saying they wanted to schedule, or promised to stop in to say hello. 

Not what he expected, frankly. In Zuzu, if you reached out to a stranger, you wouldn’t hear a friendly word in return. You might hear a curse, or they might throw something at you and tell you to piss off. 

He expected visitors today, after speaking to some overly friendly folks on the phone. He spoke to one older woman for over an hour despite his efforts to escape the conversation, but she was rather sweet, and invested in her and her husband’s health. He wondered if anyone would ever care for him like that.

He turned off the water. 

He remembered it was raining. 

As he dried off and put on his work clothes, brown slacks and a white dress shirt, he wiped the mirror above his sink to look at his reflection. He picked up a small, well loved brush from the counter and brushed his mustache, oiling it. When he put his things back down, he looked at the only other thing sitting on the counter. His pills. 

Only take them when you need them. You’re doing fine.

He tore his gaze from the unlabeled bottle and stepped out into his loft, cane quietly tapping the floor as he walked with a little more steadiness than when he first woke. His red tie and socks sat on the couch, his green dress jacket hung by the door. As he donned each piece of his uniform, he reached for the TV remote and turned it on. He poured himself a cup of coffee as he listened to the show.

He loved watching reruns of The Queen of Sauce. Of course, he’d seen every episode. He dreamed of having a real kitchen where he could make even one of the meals he’d watched be prepared on the show, but that wouldn’t happen any time soon. Having a kitchen unfortunately wasn’t part of his 5-year plan. 

First, he needed to survive owning a medical clinic in a small town.

. . . 

He switched on the lights of the clinic a few hours early. He wanted to take the time to print out new patient information sheets and print the files he’d been emailed from Zuzu Family Medicine on a few patients that he already had a chance to send for. There was always work to be done, things to distract. He hooked his cane on the back of his chair as he sat at his desk. 

Above him in a display case sat his purple heart medal, and his medal of honor. They were his centerpiece. He’d organized his degrees and other awards and recognition around them. All with his name in Latin script, Dr. Harvey Whitmore, DO. Zuzu University. 

Silly choice, for someone that doesn’t like to think of that part of his past. 

Once he was done gathering his patient files and organizing his new filing cabinet, he unlocked the doors and made his way back to his office. He’d hired a nurse, Maru, who should be here just after opening today to work as a receptionist and assistant as needed. 

He wondered absently if he could really afford that, but Maru had reached out to him personally when she found out about the clinic opening. He felt obligated to help her out, like countless other mentors had helped him out in his own training. 

Eventually hears her step into the clinic, and she calls out to announce herself as she sets her things down on the reception counter. “Dr. Harvey? It’s Maru!” 

Harvey cleared his throat and responded, “Hi! Just a second and I’ll be out.” He grabbed his cane and stepped out of his office, which was also his main exam room. 

Outside of reception, he finds Maru. “It’s great to meet you, I’m Harvey.” He extends a hand and shakes Maru’s as she beams at him. 

“And you as well! I have been so excited for opening day, this is like a dream come true.” She looks around the waiting area, which is pretty bare. “Are you still setting up here?”

Harvey smiles and shrugs, “I figured what more does a waiting room need than chairs, magazines, and toys to keep the kids company?” 

Maru holds up a finger to him and says, “I brought something that I thought might be nice in here! One minute while I grab it from the car?” 

Harvey doesn’t have a chance to respond before she darts out the door. 

And returns with a large potted plant. “My dad said these are great for decor!” As she sets it down beside the door, Harvey begins to mouth a thank you before she steps out again. 

When she comes back with three more smaller plants, Harvey can’t help but laugh. 

He sets her on the task of printing out questionnaires for new patients and calling a few who inquired to set up initial appointments, and heads back into his office. 

. . . 

A couple of hours later, Harvey had just met with his first inquiring patients. The older woman he spoke with on the phone previously, Evelyn, had come in with her husband to complete the intake paperwork and meet him. Evelyn brought cookies, which Harvey had learned to be grateful for. He wasn’t a fan of sweets, but he was a fan of kind gestures. He left the cookies on the reception counter for Maru or the patients to enjoy, and snuck back to his office to sit down for a minute. 

It was still pouring rain today, and he cursed to himself about the ache in his leg as he sat at his desk. 

Just as he reached for his coffee, he heard a sudden crash behind him. 

It didn’t sound like what it was, a plate of cookies being knocked onto the floor by a clumsy nurse. It sounded like metal- and the rain sounded like it was right on top of him. 

He gasped like he’d just come up for air, his coffee cup clattering to the floor with a splash and a shattering of glass. 

Shit. 

In the other room, he can hear her shouting apologies and the sound of glass being swept, but just barely. The sound of his own breathing and his heartbeat blaring over reality. 

Breathe, Whitmore. He grasps his shaking hand with the other, gripping his palm painfully hard and wrenching his eyes shut. You’re not there.

She stumbles into the room, presumably to hear what had fallen in the adjacent room. Whatever she says, it sounds like she’s far away, maybe underwater. 

Harvey takes a steadying breath and forces himself to open his eyes. 

“Dr. Harvey?”

He suddenly jerks back into semi-consciousness and looks over at Maru, who stands on the other side of the puddle of coffee and glass on the floor. 

“What is it, Maru?” He asks, using his good leg to push his office chair away from the puddle.

“I asked if you were alright.” Maru says, glancing down at Harvey’s hands. 

He loosened his grip and straightened his tie. “Everything is fine, Maru. Just knocked the coffee off the desk.” 

Really good look, Harvey. Have one of your episodes in front of your assistant on her first day. You’ll be the talk of the town. 

Maru nods and bends down to start picking up the mug fragments from the floor. 

He says a quiet apology that she waves away before offering her the trash can. He went to find a mop, and wondered if he had even thought of that when purchasing supplies. 

. . .

When Maru leaves for the night, she waves a goodbye to Harvey and thanks him for giving her a chance. 

As she steps out into the gloomy weather outside, Harvey was reminded of the rain, and how little he wanted to be alone for it. He stood at reception for a minute, leaning on the counter to give his aching leg a much needed break. He turned on the waiting room television and swapped it over to the weather channel. 

The rain would only last a few more hours, and the Stardrop Saloon was open well after that. Might as well eat a warm meal while he waited out the weather, and the sound of the Saloon would likely drown out the sound of the rain. He just needed to cross one street to get there. 

And so with a white-knuckle grip on his umbrella, he crossed the street to the Saloon and stepped inside. A man who stood behind the bar waved towards him and introduced himself.

“Welcome to the Stardrop! I'm Gus, chef and owner. I've always got hot coffee and cold beer at the ready. On a day like this though, there's nothing like a glass of dry red wine.”

Harvey can’t help but agree, but he tried not to drink when he wasn’t himself.

He forces a smile and says, “How about dinner?” Gus gives him a smile in response as he sits down at the bar and tucks his umbrella and cane away underneath. “I’m Harvey by the way, it’s nice to meet you.” 

. . .

It's a few hours later when Harvey can tell the rain has stopped. He hopes Gus didn’t think of how long he stayed without ordering a drink. Gus shouts a quick goodnight as he slides a couple of beers down his counter towards his regulars and Harvey waves goodbye without looking back. 

The music and background noise was enough to bring him out of his focus on the rain, but even just walking on the wet, uneven pavement tonight sent him backwards again. 

He should have taken the meds this morning. They just made him feel like there was a filter over the world, everything seemed dull, disconnected. He didn’t appreciate having to choose between a panic attack or having an out of body experience on a bad day. 

When he enters his apartment for the night, the first thing he does is turn on the tv. He collapses on the couch, listening to the sounds of Livin’ Off The Land. 

The show host finishes his spiel, “Refreshing rain is a farmer’s best friend!” 

Harvey chuckles to himself, at least someone appreciates it. And then promptly fell asleep on the couch, cane in hand. 

. . . 

He looks down at his hands, gasping for air as he tries to scrub the mud and blood away. The rain didn’t help the mess he was in, as his knees sunk into the thick mud. He couldn’t feel one of his legs. Was it numb, or gone? He didn’t have time to process it as he shook the thought of the filth from his mind. 

Focus. You’ll have time to break down later when you get out of this. 

He forces his breathing to steady itself as he tears a piece of gauze from his pack, the rain and mud soaking into it before he can pack the wound in front of him. 

A deafening BOOM. An explosion of mud and filth beside them paints Harvey’s face with mud as he shields the man on the ground in front of him. 

He hears a young man’s voice, crying out. Telling Harvey to run. 

He thinks he hears him cry for his mother as Harvey roughly tightens the tourniquet around his forearm. He’d be lucky to keep his arm, the way his hand was mangled. 

Harvey swears and tells the man to keep still and to focus, they’d both be getting out of this. He tries to lift the man, but he shoves Harvey in the chest. Hard. 

“I said get out of here!” 

Harvey looks down at the man through blurred vision. Was he crying? The blood that had started forming at the center of his abdomen when he fell backwards had spread down his torso. The man would need a transfusion if he was going to survive. He couldn’t leave him. 

Even if he brought him back to the med tent, they didn’t have the blood to spare. 

He felt the bile building in the back of his throat as the blood spilled further into the mud and mixed with his own. 

When the man shoves Harvey again, he doesn’t hear what he says, but he feels hands gripping him by the arms and dragging him away. 

And then Harvey screams. 

And he remembered screaming. He had screamed so loudly, so violently, that he had damaged his vocal chords. When they discharged him from the veteran’s hospital two weeks later, his voice still hadn’t returned. 

That was why he knew it was a dream. Because that scream had hurt, and this time he felt nothing. 

He opened his eyes and found himself in a cold sweat, heart beating out of his chest. 

Time to take those meds. 

Chapter Text

“And I remember everything, everything I loved. I gave it away like it wasn’t enough.”
Start Again - Red

Pierre’s store smelled the way it always did, like wilted produce and the sharp lemon scent from the cleaner he used on the floors. Marnie had gotten used to it long ago, it wasn’t like her shop didn’t smell like the farm.

“Got your eggs, as usual!” Marnie placed the case of five dozen eggs on the counter with an effort to be gentle, the cardboard box creaking quietly as she pushed it forward. 

“Right on time, as usual.” Pierre gave her his customer service smile, but it was softer and more familiar that it was when aimed at others. This was an exchange they’d made many times, familiar to a fault. They had a camaraderie as shop owners, a mutual understanding that was only discarded when it came time to compete in the fair, when they became mortal enemies. For now, they were cordial.

“Store credit today, I’m going to get grocery shopping done for the month. Jas has been so picky lately.” The little girl was growing fast, but ate like a bird. She ate best when Shane ate with them, so distracted by prattling on about her day that she shoveled in food between words until her plate was empty. During breakfasts he ducked out on or lunches he was at work, she picked at her food. It was no wonder she was stick thin.

She wandered around the shelves, putting cans and produce in her basket. It wasn’t the freshest variety, what could be after being shipped in from the city, but it would have to do. Not for the first time she missed the farm. Old man Theodore had the freshest produce, and it truly was a shame that he’d passed and the farm had fallen to ruin. Had she not been so busy with her animals she might consider growing a few crops, but she simply didn’t have time.

“I’m butchering one of the bulls soon, he’s become aggressive as an old fart and I can’t let Jas feed the cows alone anymore, so expect some fresh beef soon!” She was eager to have some fresh meat again, especially with the poor quality of meat Shane brought home on his employee discount. She’d keep the best cuts for her household, but she’d definitely sell some to Pierre. He’d surely sell it at a mark up, the way he always did with her produce, but it was easier than selling her own produce and she needed the money.

“That will be wonderful!” Caroline clapped her hands together in delight as she finished arranging a display of oranges, now perfectly arranged in a pyramid. Marnie was happy Jas was with Penny, knowing the structure would likely be far too tempting for her great-niece’s curious little hands. “I’ve been telling Pierre to order some, but he goes on and on about shipping costs.”

“They’re crooks, I tell you!” Pierre yelled from where he was putting away the eggs in the singular cooler.

“Yes, dear.” The green haired woman fondly rolled her eyes, giving Marnie a smile. “Ignoring him, how have you been? What exciting adventures are you having out on the range?” She had the usual eagerness for details about ranch life that Marnie could never quite live up to.

“No shootouts or outlaws today, sorry Carrie.” Just the same old, same old. Too many animals and too little time.

Caroline mimed a snap. 

“Well darn! Anyways, how’s the little one?” She eyed Marnie curiously, a sudden hesitation. “…and the big one?”

Marnie sighed, a heavy sigh that seemed solely reserved for Shane these days.

“Shane is… Shane. He’s trying. He loves that little girl.” Shane loved Jas fiercely, even if he had a hard time showing it. 

Caroline hid her doubt well, but Marnie saw it all the same. She viewed Shane the way most of the town did, as a man failing to raise his daughter. It wasn’t a secret Jas wasn’t his -even if Marnie doubted sometimes that she wasn’t- but he still was her guardian, and he wasn’t doing the best job of it.

She remembered the day they’d first arrived, the way her nephew had stiffly walked off the bus with a little girl hiding behind him. Their hair shone the same hue in the sunlight, and their eyes were both cloudy with pain. 

Jas had been so scared of her at first, tugging on Shane’s shirt until he picked her up with a pained wince and carried her through the town, facing every curious stare with a venomous glare. Not the best first impression.

“Jas is doing better. Still too skinny, the lamb. I swear a cold could send her to the grave, makes me nervous.” Jas was doing better, compared to the beginning. She was still painfully shy and quiet, but Marnie had started to see more of the personality she kept locked away. It was mostly shown around Shane, but Marnie got her own precious smiles and stick figure drawings these days. Having a kid around really did brighten things.

Caroline latched on to the topic change, both as a mother, and as someone not eager to discuss the elephant that was Shane Callahan.

“Has she gotten her flu shot yet? I’ve been hounding Abby to go get hers now that we have that new doctor, she always gets the flu bad.” 

Marnie perked up, setting a jar of jam in her basket.

“New doctor?” She’d heard something about a new doctor taking over the practice that had sat empty for the past four years. It had been exciting, she’d love to stop having to go to the city for sub par medical care after the last town doctor had retired and moved, but she hadn’t put much stock in it. Small town’s like hers latched on to small rumors easily, so she’d learned to wait for solid proof.

“Yeah! He’s a handsome young man, seems nice too. I’ve already moved the family’s care to his practice, he can’t be worse than the city doctors.” Caroline followed her around the store as they chatted, telling her husband over the din of the radio that she’d check Marnie out.

“Amen to that.” They both shared a look and a dramatic shiver that turned into laughter. “I’ll have to get moved over too.”

“We got a letter sent to us, I’m surprised you didn’t.” Caroline chatted as she rang Marnie up, manually typing prices into the aged cash register.

Marnie clicked her tongue. 

“Mail gets lost on its way to us a lot. I’ll bet Jodi has it, or Shane grabbed the mail and tossed it somewhere I didn’t see yet.”

“Shame, it was a nice gesture. I’ll see if I can find ours, we got two since Abigail still lives here.” 

“Thanks Caroline!” Marnie hadn’t been sure about the woman when she’d first moved there with her husband and young daughter, but they’d become friends long ago. It was hard not to be in a town so small.

“Your eggs today cover a fair bit of your groceries today, the rest will be 600g please!” 

Marnie dug in her pocket for her coinpurse, going to hand over the money when her eyes lingered on the glass case of sweets. Pierre always kept them behind glass to keep sticky hands away, especially Jodi’s boys. 

“I think I’ll get a candy bar for Jas.”

“Right away!” Caroline opened the case and grabbed one of the chocolate bars with a cartoonishly spooky design, then glanced behind her and grabbed a second.

“We’re actually running a two-for-one deal on these today!” She said as she tossed them in Marnie’s bags and took the money from the counter.

Marnie raised an eyebrow, a smile growing on her face.

“Does Pierre know that?”

“What Pierre doesn’t know won’t hurt him.” Caroline gave a wink, tucking Marnie’s receipt in her bag.

-

Caroline agreed to let Marnie leave her groceries at the counter for a moment so she could check out the practice next door unburdened. She thanked the woman and left the store, looking at the office next door. 

She hadn’t noticed it on her way in, but the glass was clean and free of newspaper and there was new signage posted.

“Harvey‘s Clinic, open 9am - 3pm” 

She stepped inside, the soft ding of a bell announcing her presence as she walked into the waiting room. It was a little outdated, but clean, with shining floors and bright overhead lights. There were thriving houseplants in the corners, livening the room. It was a nice touch.

“Hi there!” Marnie’s gaze shifted from where it had been roving over the many fliers on hygiene and vaccinations, over to a very familiar young girl, now dressed in a nurse’s uniform. She had healthy brown skin and shoulder length red dreads, complimented by a little nurse’s cap.

“Well, I'll be! Maru, how have you been?” She didn’t see much of Robin’s girl around town these days, she knew the young thing tended to shut herself up in her room or her father’s lab to experiment. She looked good, and she’d grown a good few inches since Marnie had seen her last, or maybe that was just old age talking.

“I’ve been wonderful, Miss Callahan!” Maru gave her a smile, awkward at the edges like her father, but warm and genuine. She’d always liked Maru, even if she hadn’t seen her much. She was a good egg.

“I see that! I can’t believe I didn’t know you got yourself a job! I figured Robin would be crowing all over town by now.” Robin was the proud sort, and while she had mentioned her daughter was looking for a job around town, she hadn’t said anything yet about her landing one.

“It’s a recent development. I’m sure you’ll hear about it at aerobics on Tuesday.” Maru looked a mix of fond and exasperated. She’d likely heard it all from her mother already.

“How’s the job been treating you? Of course you kids manage to find every job in this valley other than my ranch.” She’d had most of the kids help out at the ranch one time or another, but all of them had been miserable, and not even a paycheck had gotten them to come back once they were old enough to not be volunteered by their parents. Maru especially hated the dirty work. For a girl so fond of digging in the dirt and testing soil, she’d waddled around the pig pen practically wearing a hazmat suit, and had cried when one had nibbled on the finger of her rubber glove. Of course, she had been thirteen at the time, so Marnie didn’t hold it against her.

Maru wrinkled her nose at the mention of the ranch, but it quickly shifted into a wince.

“Not the best. Managed to break a plate on my first day, one of Evelyn’s too!”

“Im sure she’ll forgive you.”

“She did, still far from my best moment… Oh!” Maru abruptly straightened up, placing her hands on the counter and giving Marnie a much more awkward smile. “Why are you here?”

“Wait! No- that sounds bad. I mean, uh, how can I help you?” Maru rushed to correct herself, making Marnie stifle a smile. Ah, to be young. She remembered her first job, what a shit show.

“Just checking in. I wanted to talk to the doctor about transferring here.”

“Oh, wonderful! I’ll page him!” She fiddled with the phone on the desk, fretting over the buttons for a moment before pressing one and leaning towards the phone. “Dr. Harvey, someone’s here to see you!” 

She let go of the button and gave Marnie a smile. She didn’t have the pudgy cheeks she’d had as a teenager anymore, and she truly looked like a young woman now.

“Maru!” Marnie gasped in mock offense, because she never could resist teasing. “I watch you grow up and all I’m just someone?”

Maru flushed in embarrassment, mouth opening and closing a few times before she squeaked out an apology.

“I’m just teasing, dear.” Marnie assured her, watching the girl sag in relief. She had always fallen for teasing, whereas Shane had grown smart to it as a preteen. 

Maru likely went to complain about the treatment, but shut her mouth and practically stood to attention as the door in the waiting room opened. There were footsteps, along with a rhythmic tapping. Marnie’s curiosity was answered when a man with a cane walked into the wait room. 

His steps were sure, but he leaned enough on the cane that it didn’t seem decorative. He seemed so young for a cane, probably not much older than her nephew, but she’d learned a long time ago not to assume.

Caroline was right, he was a rather handsome young man. He was clean shaven and well put together, dressed professionally and with a kind smile. She liked him already compared to the old curmudgeon she saw in the city who had misdiagnosed the onset of menopause as anxiety.

He turned his gaze to his nurse, who was standing stiffly.

“At ease?” 

Maru relaxed only the slightest bit, awkwardly shuffling to her computer and beginning to peck the keys as Harvey turned his attention to Marnie.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you! I’m Harvey.” He offered a hand for a handshake, which she took. He had a firm handshake, more rigid than a farmer’s, but not stiff like Pierre’s.

“I’m Marnie Callahan, I own the ranch down in Cindersap Forest! I would’ve brought some eggs as a welcome gift, but I only learned about you a few minutes ago.” She made an effort to be a good neighbor, especially when new neighbors were so few and far inbetween, but she’d already sold her eggs and she wasn’t about to rebuy them from Pierre, knowing he’d likely sell them for double. She’d have to bring some cheese soon.

“Don’t worry about it! It’s nice to meet more of the town. How can I help you today?” He was polite to boot. She really needed Shane to take notes, he was more prickly than a cactus.

“I was wondering if I could transfer myself and my niece Jas as patients.” Shane could handle his own transfer. She would suggest it, and definitely hope he would, but he was an adult and could handle his own medical care. He was always so averse to doctors anyway, even as a kid, so she had her doubts.

“Of course! Maru, could you fetch the paperwork? It’s the same as the patients from earlier filled out.” He turned his attention back to Marnie. “How old is your niece?”

“Six. She’s actually my great-niece, I suppose.” It was easier to call her niece, since Jas called her Aunt Marnie, but since she was Shane’s god daughter, would that change the title? She never had been sure.

“Are you her legal guardian?” 

“Oh, no. Not technically. She’s Shane’s, my nephew.” Not that he himself seemed to think that these days. 

Harvey winced apologetically, taking the paperwork from Maru and instructing her to grab a separate file.

“Unfortunately I’ll need her guardian to sign off before I can transfer her to the practice.” He adjusted his tie with an idle hand, seeming more like a nervous tic than a purposeful motion. “Is it possible for him to come by? If he’s unsure about the practice I’m happy to discuss it with him! I wrote a letter for each residence, perhaps I missed one. I’ll grab you a copy.”

 He let himself behind the counter, flipping through a few piles before finding what he was looking for and adding it to the growing pile of paperwork on the countertop.

He went to continue, the words petering out as he took in the vaguely awkward air that head settled as Maru aimed grimaced pointedly away from Marnie as the women sighed.

“Everything okay?”

“I don’t think Shane would want to stop by, he’s not the social type. Can I have him sign the release forms at home?” She’d get him to sign it whether he liked it or not.

“Oh! Yes, of course. You can take them with you and bring them back at your convenience. If he has any questions, feel free to call the clinic. I added a medical proxy form so he could add you as another authority on medical decisions, should he want that.” He still had a confused but polite smile as he handed her the stack of paperwork.

“Thank you, it was wonderful meeting you. I’ll probably drop off the paperwork after aerobics class tomorrow, if I’m able to wrangle Shane tonight. Take care!” She gathered the forms and left the office, taking in the moment of fresh air before heading back into Pierre’s shop to get her groceries.

-

Marnie managed to corner her nephew once he came home. It was long past the end of his work day, and she could tell from his rumpled appearance and the stale smell of beer that he’d come from the saloon.

“Jas is in bed, she asked about you.” She said with marked coldness.

Shane flinched, hunching in on himself. She almost regretted it.

“She get to sleep alright?” He asked, voice gravely and tired. 

“Yes.” Because Marnie wouldn’t begrudge him that, no matter how fed up with him she was.

He went to shuffle to his room, but she blocked his way.

“Not so fast, kiddo. I’ve got some stuff for you to sign.”

“Sign?” Shane rubbed his bloodshot eyes and squinted at the clock. “What in Yoba’s name could you possibly need me to sign at midnight?”

“Medical forms for Jas, I want to transfer her to the new practice.” Shane looked bewildered as she manhandled him into one of the dining room chairs, her firm hand on his shoulder as she slid paperwork in front of him.

“New- Wait a second. Why does she need a doctor? Is she sick? Did she get hurt today?” He tried to bolt upright, but the hand on his shoulder and his own inebriation turned it into more of a wobble.

Marnie softened a bit at Shane’s worry.

“She’s fine, Shane. She just needs a primary that doesn’t require a two hour bus ride to reach.”

Shane shook his head until the word stopped swaying, blinking a few times. He hadn’t drank that much tonight, probably, but work had been long and there was exhaustion piled on top of his buzz.

“Didn’t even know there was a new doctor.” He muttered as he looked over the paperwork, overwhelmed by all the words. He didn’t like reading sober, this was downright miserable drunk.

“There is, he’s very nice. I think you should become a patient there too.” She sounded like she meant well, but Shane blanched.

“Don’t need a doctor.” He furrowed his brow at the pencil that was in his hand. When had that gotten there? He used it to carefully start writing in what was hopefully legible handwriting.

Marnie just clicked her tongue disapprovingly, but didn’t fight him on it.

‘Jasmine Petrovna’ He wrote on the form, taking care in each character. Iris was so proud of that name, and Joel had loved it so much he’d taken it too. He didn’t dare misspell it.

‘Relation to the patient’ the paper read, his pencil stilling. 

Uncle? He wasn’t actually her uncle by blood or legally, she just called him that. 

God-daughter? That’s what she was, but his hand shook. It felt wrong to write that, like he was stealing from the dead. She was their daughter, he was just their friend.

Legal guardian? That felt impersonal, cold, detached. 

“Whatever you feel is right, Shane.” Marnie said softly, making him jump. Despite her heavy hand on his shoulder, he’d somehow forgotten she was there.

“I’ve got it.” He grumbled, scribbling down god-daughter even if it made his eyes itch. Joel would’ve hated him pussyfooting around the term, he’d been so proud when he’d named Shane her god-father.

He moved on to the next questions. He wrote himself for the emergency contact, then erased it. He wrote Marnie’s name. Erased it.

Frustrated, he scribbled down both, writing a note to try his work number first, and to call Marnie if he couldn’t be reached.

He was forced to leave ‘family medical history’ blank, Iris was a mystery in life and death, and he couldn’t exactly ask Joel’s parents their medical history. If he never saw those two assholes again, it would be too soon.

Marnie chimed in every time he hesitated on a question, weathering his snapping replies calmly. She was actually helpful, but he was tired and grouchy, and her hand was still on his shoulder. The contact had started to tingle a few minutes in, and by now he wanted to crawl out of his skin.

He was finally at the last page. All it needed was a signature on the line.

He hesitated.

A real parent would sign without thinking.

He stared at the line until his brain stopped screaming, then he signed the form.

“Will I- Will you bring her? To her appointments?” He ground out, shuddering with relief when she finally took her hand off his shoulder to read over the paper.

She looked up at him, tired resignation in her eyes.

“Yes, Shane. I can’t promise I will every time, I’m very busy, but I’ll take her to the first appointment.”

He nodded, throat so tight he couldn’t breathe, and shuffled to bed.

(He peeked in on Jas once Marnie went to her room. She was sleeping in her normal chaotic way, and only then could he sleep.)

On his way out the next morning, bleary eyed and his second cup of coffee in, he snagged the paperwork from the table. 

He had to be sure, had to keep Jassy safe. 

He couldn’t do much, couldn’t bring her parents back or fix the past, but he could do this.

Chapter Text

“I don't know what I'm supposed to do, haunted by the ghost of you…Oh, take me back to the night we met.” 

- The Night We Met, Lord Huron

Harvey sat at the reception area of the clinic sipping his coffee and reading the latest issue of the Zuzu Gazette. The war conditions weren’t improving, but he didn’t care to read about it and end up putting himself into a panic. He turned the page and looked for more positive local news. 

He’d just finished reading a piece about a fundraiser being held by an area school to host a field trip to the quaint Pelican Town during one of their yearly Dance of the Moonlight Jellies festival when he hears the door open and close.

He puts the paper down and puts on his best ‘Doctor Harvey’ smile when he sees a man standing on the other side of the counter, and his breath catches. The man was visibly sweating- shaking, gripping a stack of paperwork. 

That’s the first thing Harvey notices, before he notices the holes in his clothes. The smell. He didn’t want to think about the fact that the man would be pretty attractive, if he got around to a shave and a shower. When Maru described Shane as the town drunk, he didn’t picture this. Harvey finds himself shrinking underneath his intense gaze.

Harvey holds onto the desk to steady himself as he stands up, “Hi there, I don’t believe we’ve met… I’m Harvey.” He reaches out his hand to the man, and the man does not reciprocate the gesture. 

“You the Doc?” the man says unceremoniously.

“Harvey is fine,” Harvey says, sitting back down, and feeling a little less uncomfortable in his presence now that he knows he can speak.

“Marnie told me to fill out this paperwork you gave her. To get Jas started here.” He slaps the packet down onto the counter and shuffles his feet. “Marnie will be fine to bring her to her appointments?”

Harvey puts his ‘Doctor Harvey’ smile back on and collects the paperwork, briefly flipping through. He nods as he reads through the emergency contact page. 

“Everything looks in order on that note!” He continues flipping through, and without looking up, “I see that she has asthma marked as a preexisting condition, a mild tree-nut allergy, and a question-mark beside post-traumatic stress. Has she been diagnosed with PTSD?”

Shane visibly stiffens when Harvey asks the question. “Her caseworker mentioned it could be a possibility, I’m not really sure.”

Harvey nods politely, and swivels in his chair to face a filing cabinet. “I just need you to fill out a form that grants us access to any of her previous medical records.” When he hears the man groan in response, he tacks on, “Super quick, I promise!” 

When he turns back and hands Shane the paperwork, he continues to read through the packet. Marnie and Shane didn’t know much about Jas’s family history. He didn’t like to think the worst, but red flags were being raised. People can get away with a lot in small towns where people don’t ask questions. 

The only thing that makes it all seem less suspicious is that Shane brought up the girl having a caseworker assigned to her. 

“Is there anything you can tell me about Jas? Outside of the medical side of things. What is she like?” Harvey retrieves the form from Shane and takes a sip of his coffee.

“Jas doesn’t talk to strangers. Don’t take it personally.” Shane says matter of fact, and then says, “And if she doesn’t like you, she won’t be back.” 

Harvey chokes on the coffee out of surprise- that was not the response he expected.

Does this guy know he’s talking to a mandated reporter?

“Anyways,” Shane grumbled, running his hand through his hair and somehow making himself look even more of a mess, “I guess I just wanted to see you in person… make sure you’re not a freak.”

Harvey finishes coughing up his coffee and gives Shane a thumbs up while coughing into his elbow.

No freaks here. 

“I don’t know when Marnie is bringing her by, but I’m late for work, so… Bye Doc.” 

When the door swings shut, Harvey immediately takes the medical history form and faxes it to Zuzu Family Med. He wanted to read this girl’s history, what little there likely was, before making any assumptions about this Shane guy.

. . . 

Shane walked from the clinic, eyes burning in the sunlight. He was desperately late for work and Morris was going to have his head, but he’d done what he came there to do.

He hadn’t expected the overly clean smell of the clinic to invade his senses, or for the sterile white walls to lurch as he’d frozen in the doorway and tried to breathe through the overwhelming panic trying to claw its way from his scarred lungs. His panic tasted like acid, like smoke, like he was back in that dreaded unit choking on disinfectant and silence.

He fucking hated hospitals. Hated the smell, the sight, the food, the people. He hated the scratchy sheets under his bandages and the way the sun streamed through the window and he was helpless to shut the curtain. 

Hospitals smelled like sanitized death, and for a moment, he was trapped there again, he was alone, he was a living corpse.

And then the world was rushing back. There was a man behind the counter, he had a purpose for being there. 

The doctor, Harvey, was… kind of a weirdo. He looked like a grown up version of some of the nerds his gridball teammates would shove in toilets, not that Shane did that, he just didn’t exactly get involved or try to stop it.

The man was too perfect, in the way his tie was centered and his curls fell across his forehead. For Yoba’s sake, he was pretty sure the man brushed his mustache. He looked sturdy, yet frail, like a strong breeze could knock him over but the fall would be loud as fuck.

He seemed trustworthy enough, for a doctor. Shane wouldn’t leave him alone with Jas until he was truly sure he wasn’t a freak, but Marnie would be with her and Marnie was terrifying. She’d keep Jas safe from anything, and he knew nothing would touch that little girl with her there.

Overall, he thought it went well. 

Hopefully he’d never have to go back.

. . . 

Not two hours after meeting Shane, and after no response yet from Zuzu Family Med, Marnie walks into the lobby with a worried look on her face. 

Before Harvey can even greet her, she asks, “Did my nephew happen to stop by this morning?”

Harvey smiles, “He sure did, and everything seems to be in order for you to schedule Jas’s first well-child check!” 

He doesn’t miss the look of surprise, and maybe a little pride that crosses her face when he tells her this. “Great! How about now?”

Well, that was unusual. 

“Uhh..” Harvey opens up his calendar for the day, and he wonders if he should pretend it isn’t empty. “Sure, if you don’t mind waiting in the lobby for me to prep the room?” He retrieves his cane and stands up, leaning on it for support. 

That’s when he notices her. Jas is standing beside Marnie, if not hiding partially behind one of her legs. 

She was a frail thing, her dark blue eyes wide and unsure. Her hair was wild, tied up in a green bow. She had a doll clutched in her arms, handmade and well loved. But the main thing he noticed was that she looked a lot like Shane. She was a sweet looking kid, but he was right. He’d be lucky if this girl said a word to him today. 

“Oh gosh,” He says, finally getting a chance to speak directly to her. “I didn’t see you there.” He says softly. He didn’t want to spook her. Who knows what she had gone through, especially after his interaction with her father-figure. “It’s nice to meet you, I’m Harvey. I’m a doctor, and I’ve already seen a few of your neighbors! This is a nice town you’ve got here.”

Jas stays tucked away behind Marnie, but her gaze softens a little.

“I’m gonna go get my room ready for you two, and I’ll be right back to show you around!” He’s sure to maintain a positive and calm tone before he makes his way into the exam room. 

He didn’t think that a kid like that was going to be an active participant in a well-child check on the first day of meeting her doctor, so he just pulled out a toy box from the cupboard in the corner and tried to make the room look less hospital-esque. He already prepped a little children’s reading corner in here with some toys and basic board games, but hadn’t fully fleshed it out. He hoped Jas was more forgiving than her god-father seemed. 

He swaps the scratchy white blanket on the table for a slightly-less scratchy children’s sized blanket. Slightly more colorful, with a few pale pink and yellow stripes. He makes a mental note to make the room a little more homey before having more patients in here. A poster or two would make it look less like a prison cell. He curses softly to himself. He draws the curtains open to let in some natural light and turns off the bright overhead lights. 

It wasn’t hard to imagine himself in a possibly traumatized person’s shoes, unfortunately. He opens a window so the sounds of the town can be heard instead of his beeping machines. 

It was always the sounds that reminded him. 

Once he’s sure he can’t do much else to make the exam room cozy for her, he knocks gently on the open door to the waiting area to announce himself. 

He can hear Marnie and Jas exchange a few hushed words before he says, “You guys ready to see the place?” 

Marnie stands up with a bright smile and says, “We sure are! Right, Jas?” 

Jas looked at her, wide eyed. 

At least she didn’t say no?

Harvey walks into the exam room and sits down at his desk, letting Jas enter in her own time. She took baby steps down the hall, and let Marnie walk in a few paces before she followed. 

Harvey made a point to let her enter and choose where she wanted to sit while he made himself busy looking down at his clipboard. 

When she stands next to Marnie, who makes herself at home in a cushioned chair lined up against the wall, and holds onto her sleeve. She held her doll in a death-grip in the other hand. Harvey figures this is as close to settling in as he’s going to get right now. 

“Well it’s really nice to meet you, Jas.” He smiles and crosses one leg over the other. “This is my exam room, where we do check-ups and make sure everyone in Pelican Town is happy and healthy.” He pauses to give her a chance to peer around the room. “Today, I just wanted to chat with your aunt and get to know you. Because of your asthma, I’d also like to check your breathing if that’s okay.” 

He gently takes the stethoscope from around his neck and holds it out to Marnie. “I would just use this to listen to your chest. You’ve had that done before, right?”

Marnie takes the stethoscope and holds it out to Jas. “You remember when we rode the bus to see Dr. Thomas?” Jas nods. 

Harvey smiles and asks, “So how old are you, Jas?”

Jas doesn’t answer, but looks up at Marnie to answer for her. “Little Jas is six years old now!”

“Wow, so you must be learning how to read already! I’ve got a little library of my own in here,” He gestures to the shelf of children's books and magazines. “Do you have a library in Pelican Town? I’m a bookworm, if you could believe it.” 

Jas looks down at her shoes, gently kicking the corner of the chair before looking back at Marnie again. 

“Jas spends a lot of time at the Museum, which has a library. She does a lot of reading these days with her teacher.” Marnie nods proudly. 

“I’ll have to check it out some time! I haven’t seen much of the town yet, but I’m looking forward to walking around and getting to know the place better.” 

That’s when he hears her voice for the first time, but it’s little more than a whisper. 

“That’s a pretty far walk.” She says quietly, looking at her doll, and then glancing at Harvey. 

“Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.” 

“I said that’s a pretty far walk.” She says a little louder, meeting Harvey's gaze. Harvey recognizes that piercing look in her eyes that he saw in Shane’s just a few hours ago. “I mean, aren’t you a cripple?”

And just then, Harvey realizes that this little girl is a carbon copy of Shane. 

Following Marnie’s audible gasp and look of horror, the room is silent.

He breaks the silence with a warm laugh, and Jas cracks a smile. He fucking loves kids. 

“We’ll just have to see how far I can make it before my bum leg gives out I suppose,” He says with another laugh. 

. . . 

For the rest of the visit, Jas didn’t speak another word, but she let him check her breathing. She definitely had asthma, and it wasn’t managed very well. He’d need to get some informational sheets and educate the family on improving her treatment plan. 

He did notice however, when the stethoscope fell onto the floor from Marnie’s lap, the sound alone was enough to make Jas jump out of her shoes. He makes a mental note of that. 

On their way to the waiting room, Harvey points out a box at the end of reception and says, “Jas, feel free to steal a sticker or two from that box over there. You earned it for being such a good sport.” And as he tacks on this last part, “And for calling me a cripple. To my face.” He swears he hears her stifle a giggle. 

As Jas walks over to investigate the sticker box, Marnie lingers nearby with a smile on her face. And at that moment, Harvey realizes that he doesn’t want to wait for the records. 

“How did Shane come to have guardianship over Jas, if you don’t mind me asking?” He asks, searching her face for a response.

Marnie looks at him with a sad smile, “I don’t know everything.” As she glances back at Jas and speaks softly in response. “Shane and her parents were roommates. There was a fire, and her parents didn’t make it out. Shane got Jas out, and then came to live with me. He was her god-father, so he was given guardianship pretty quickly after that.”

Harvey nods in understanding. Shane just started making a whole lot more sense, and so did Jas. “Has she been in therapy at all following the event?”

Marnie shakes her head. “Any decent therapist is hours away, we couldn’t afford to get her out there once a week. The caseworker mentioned that we should keep an eye out for signs of PTSD and consider signing her up for therapy in the case that she struggles.”

“Well,” Harvey shuffles his feet, not wanting to overstep, but needing to advocate. “I think she’s struggling.” 

“I think so, too.” 

“I also have a certification in mental health counseling, if you decide that therapy is something you’re interested in getting started for Jas. I do have to say that I would recommend it at this point.”

Marnie smiles, “That would be lovely. As long as you can get past the fact that my nephew’s words tend to leave her mouth.” 

Harvey waves the thought away with his hand. “It would be my pleasure. I’m available any afternoon and I’d be happy to set time aside for Jas.”

And when Harvey says that, Marnie smiles knowingly. “How’s Wednesdays?” 

“I’ll see you next Wednesday, then!” Harvey smiles. “How is 2:30?”

“Oh, well I’m not exactly free on Wednesdays. Shane will need to bring her, but he'll make it work.” She walks over to Jas and takes her free hand. “Let’s go get something for dinner at Pierre’s, Jas. I need to pick up the ingredients for that cake I promised you as a treat for coming to see Doctor Harvey anyway!” 

Getting to know Jas would be a good experience for him. Rewarding even, to help her through her troubles. But to have to deal with that Shane guy on a weekly basis? He might have taken that into consideration before offering up his Wednesday afternoons. 

If I can just talk to him some more, get through to him… It could help me understand her more. I could help her through whatever it is she’s going through.

Chapter Text

“I’m an object in motion, I have no emotion, my two legs are broken, but look at me dance.” 

Inertia - AJR

Click. Whir. Clunk. Slide. Click. Whir. Clunk. Slide.

Over and over, so practiced his body could do it even when his head was miles away. Pick up a can from the palette, label it, place it on the shelf, push it back. Over and over, to the end of time.

Shane placed another can on the shelf, the metal clack loud in the empty store. Outdated pop music was playing over the store’s speakers, crackling over the intercom and coming out tinny as it bounced off the walls.

The fluorescent bulbs overhead reflected hardly on the white tile floors, making the whole store too bright. For all Sam cleaned the floors, the tiles had a grey sheen that never went away. The mop simply couldn’t get all the dirt from the textured surface, and they didn’t pay Sam enough to scrub them with a brush.

Click. Whir. Clunk. Slide.

The aisles looked the same as they always did. This store never changed with the seasons or holidays. Always the same, never changing. Every day blurring together in a maddening whirl of bright lights, shitty music, and annoying customers.

It was Wednesday. It should have been another shitty day of the week, mindless and repetitive, but Morris had reluctantly ordered he take Wednesday afternoons off so he stopped getting overtime.

Shane should be overjoyed, getting to leave soon, except he wouldn’t be going home.

Marnie had come into his room over the weekend, marching in like she owned the place. She did, so he kept his mouth shut and set his controller down, raising an eyebrow at her.

She leveled a look at the state of his room and the several beer cans around him, but didn’t comment. They’d already had this fight before, many, many times. It just wasn’t worth it anymore.

She’d informed him that Jas’s visit had gone well, she’d even spoken! It was a surprise, but it was a good one. Jas didn’t like new people. She used to be a very friendly kid, but after the accident she had become standoffish around strangers, hiding behind him. She had already come a ways from when they’d first arrived.

Then Marnie had casually dropped that she’d signed Jas up for therapy with Harvey. Shane wasn’t sure how to feel about that. He knew she probably needed it, and while he’d never go himself, he wouldn’t begrudge her something that might help her heal.

“She’ll be going every Wednesday afternoon.” Marnie said calmly.

“I didn’t know you took Wednesdays off?” It wasn’t one of her two days off, so maybe she’d just close early.

“I don’t. You do.”

Shane had frozen, staring at her with wide eyes. She stared right back, expression unmoved.

“Marnie-“

“She needs this, and you’re off work. Bring her, it’ll make her whole week.”

Shane didn’t want to sit in on a child’s therapy appointment, didn’t want to be back in that dreaded doctor’s office, but what could he do? 

He couldn’t avoid her forever, couldn’t hide from her. He’d take her, for today, and hopefully he’d never have to bring her again.

He had the feeling Marnie wouldn’t agree with that.

Click. Whir. Clunk. Slide. Click. Whir.

Beep.

He paused in his mechanical movement, staring at his watch. It beeped insistently at him again, telling him it was time to clock out. 

Joy.

-

Shane opened the door to the library, stepping inside. He’d never been much for libraries, he wasn’t really the book smart type, but he had a purpose today.

He looked over the warmly lit shelves of books, giving Gunther a nod as he peered around the corner.

Sure enough, there they were. Penny sat at the small table in the children’s section, and Jas and the red haired boy sat on opposite sides of the table. Shane remembered that Jas had mentioned Penny had to separate her and, Vincent?, because they kept getting into arguments.

“Jas!” He called out over the quiet library, not too loud, but enough to carry across the room. Gunther gave him a look, but didn’t shush him. It wasn’t like there was anyone else in the library.

The six year old bolted upright from where she’d been slouching, looking around wildly until her eyes rested on her uncle, who stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“Uncle Shane!” She beamed at him, eyes sparkling in a way that made Shane’s chest ache. She pushed herself away from the table, schoolwork abandoned as she ran over to crash into him.

He caught her with a grunt, hand on her back as she buried her face in his side. 

“Mr. Callahan.” Penny greeted him politely, making him wince. That had been his father’s title, and Shane hardly wanted to share it. He wasn’t a Mr.

“Shane.” He said gruffly. “Just Shane. Did Marnie tell you I was getting Jas today?” 

“She did! I didn’t realize it would be from the library, but I suppose I never clarified. Jas, sweetie, come pack up your things and then you can leave.” The young red head smiled kindly at Jas, unbothered by the little girl’s pout. 

The child reluctantly detangled from Shane and made her way over to the table, packing her school supplies in a purple flowery backpack. Shane eyed the backpack silently. It had been a gift from her case worker, a thrifted backpack with a few changes of clothes for a child who lost everything. He hadn’t realized she still had it.

“I work close, seemed best.” Jojomart was only a ten minute walk up the hill from the library. He’d relished the fresh air free from the smell of dirty mop water and air freshener on his walk over.

“Of course. Have a good day, Jas! I’ll pick you up tomorrow at the usual time.” Penny pat Jas on the shoulder, getting a near genuine smile before Jas scurried away to tuck herself back under Shane’s arm.

They left the library, Jas excitedly telling him about her assignments in school as he grunted in response. His hand rested on her head as they walked, frizzy hair peeking through his fingers.

She was taller than she used to be.

Before they’d lost everything, she’d been such a happy little girl. She was crazy and so much like her mother, three and already talking so much. She always had something to say, and she was his shadow. Joel used to tease him that she was his copy, that she somehow took after Shane and Iris more than him. It wasn’t said with suspicion or malice, just fondness.

After the fire she would only talk to him, glaring at anyone else. She’d bitten a nurse for not listening to him, and hadn’t been sorry in the slightest.

She was six now, wasn’t she? He could feel it in the way her head bumped against his ribs instead of his stomach when she hugged him. Time passed while he wasn’t looking, or better said, when he was refusing to look.

“Uncle Shane?” She asked, fingers twisted in one of his belt loops. “Did you hear me?”

He cleared his throat until he could speak, staring resolutely ahead.

“Sorry, got lost in my thoughts. What was that?” 

“I said that I read a whole paragraph out loud today.” Her voice became the slightest bit quieter, more hesitant. “Isn’t that cool?”

“Real cool, Jassy. You have good grades?” He hadn’t inquired at all lately about how she was doing in school. He hadn’t really looked into her life beyond making sure she was safe. 

“Yeah! Miss Penny says I’m real smart, I jus’ don’ apply myself.” Jas kicked a rock from the path as they passed Mayor Lewis’s house. 

“They used to say that about me too, kid.” It wasn’t a good thing, really. It meant you were too smart for your own good but too lazy to try, in his case. Jas was clever, she always had been, but she was the commander of her own destiny. If she didn’t want to do something, it was like pulling teeth to get it done.

“Really!” Jas perked up, excited at the thought of being just like her uncle, as if he was something to look up to.

“Yeah, kid.” Shane tried not to jump as she grabbed his hand, winding her tiny fingers against his damaged ones. “We’re here.”

He watched as Jas tucked in on herself a little more, gripping her backpack strap with one hand and his hand with the other, pressing tighter against him as he took a deep breath and forced himself to open the door.

His chest went tight the second his fingers touched the doorknob, memories pressing at the edges like steam under a lid. He shoved it all down, barely, but the sweat at the back of his neck said he wasn’t winning.

He blinked through them until they faded enough to see, walking inside with Jas shadowing behind them.

“Jas! -and Shane! Wonderful to see you both.” There he was. Harvey. Smiling at them in the santitized way a doctor did, but with eyes far too keen for the softness of his face. He looked at Shane like he knew something about him, and it made Shane’s skin crawl.

Jas wasn’t going in blind. Shane had made her breakfast Monday, microwaveable bacon and toast, and asked her if she knew what therapy was. She wasn’t stupid, and he wasn’t going to treat her like she was just because she was a kid.

“Therapy?” Jas had tilted her head, curls bouncing. “What’s that?”

Shane inwardly groaned. That complicated things. Maybe he should have asked Penny to have this talk with her instead.

“It’s where you talk to someone about your feelings. You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to, but it helps sometimes.”

“Oh. Why can’t I just talk to you?”

“I’m not smart enough to help, but the Doc is. So we’re going to go hang out with him for a bit.” He desperately wanted to flee this conversation as soon as possible, but he forced himself to focus on eating the crunchy bacon. 

“Oh, okay. You’re coming too?”

“Yes, Jas.” He sighed, trying to force some enthusiasm.

“Yay!”

The man had come around the counter, a click accompanying his steps. Shane’s eyes were drawn to the polished wooden cane held in the man’s hand.

Oh yeah, Marnie had mentioned the cripple thing.

While he didn’t particularly care about being polite, he didn’t stare. He brought his gaze back up to the man’s eyes.

“Okay. Go have fun Jas, I’ll be out here if you need me.” He gave her shoulders a tiny push, only for her to throw her weight back against him, feet planting in the ground.

“Actually, usually for the first few sessions we’d prefer the guardian stay. Makes things less scary.” Harvey was still smiling at Jas, but kept glancing at him, his smile wavering. Shane was glaring fiercely, feeling like a trapped animal as Jas began to tug on his arm.

She was shaking her head, pulling him with surprising strength.

“Stay!” She hissed quietly, stamping her tiny foot. “Please?”

Shane sighed, letting the child climb her way up him and settle into his arms like she was little again. She still got, even if her spindly legs hung down and her arms wrapped around his neck. She was much heavier than the last time he’d held her like this, and he wondered just how long ago that had been.

“What if he’s weird?” She whispered. “Like… smiles too much. Or smells like raisins.”

Shane can feel the manipulation, but he gives in anyways.

“Sure. Fine. God forbid an old man smell like raisins.” He tries not to snap, adjusting his grip on the girl and marching towards his doom.

The doctor gives him another nervous smile and holds the door.

“I’m not carrying you the whole way.” He whispers to her as they walk through a white hallway that makes his chest tight with panic, a prickling at the back of his neck telling him to get out and take Jas with him.

Jas pulls back from where her head is tucked into his neck to give him a dramatic pout, puppy dog eyes she got directly from her father on full display. Those hadn’t worked on him when Joel did them either.

They came to a tan door, simply labeled ‘exam room’. Harvey had been leading the way, pace steady and sure despite his cane. He opened the door, stepping inside and gesturing them in.

Shane took a deep breath, only to regret it when the smell and taste of disinfectant invaded his senses. He managed not to cough on it, lungs seizing painfully as his face twitched.

Here went nothing.

He stepped inside.

The room was… different than he had expected.

The window was open, letting in a slight breeze and the scent of daffodils that made the room feel less sterile, the sounds of the sleepy town quietly played over by the radio on the desk.

It was definitely an exam room. There was a hospital bed against the far wall that nearly activated his fight or flight, grip on Jas tightening slightly. Strangely, instead of the paper covering or white sheets, it had a green blanket on it. The splash of color was enough to shush some of the panic in his brain, letting him observe the rest of the room. Next to the bed was a counter and sink, but the rest of the room almost felt like an office.

There was a desk, not overly ornate, but solid wood that he was vaguely sure was oak. It had a triangular brass plaque that read ‘Dr. Harvey Whitmore’ in block script, next to a mug filled with pens and pencils. Paperwork was scattered in a neat chaos, a stack of books on top of a few folders.

Harvey casually picked the books up and placed them back on the bookshelf, but Shane saw enough of the spines to see they were psychology books.

The bookshelf in the corner had mostly adult books with thick spines and wordy titles, but on the bottom shelf were a few kids books and coloring books, along with a bin of toys. On the wall at kids level was a poster of a healthy meal with some fun facts that Shane didn’t bother reading.

“Alright, down you go.” Shane detached the tiny octopus limb by limb, holding her out under the armpits. She glared at him, but she didn’t look scared, just grumpy.

He gave her a cheeky smile, unable to resist when she looked so much like an angry kitten, and the corner of her mouth twitched as she fought a smile.

He set her on the ground, giving her a slight push towards the toys. This time she went, taking slow steps towards it until she was close enough to the toy bin to peek inside.

Shane gave the room a final glance. That’s when his eyes caught the display on the wall behind the desk. There were multiple framed pieces of paper, boasting graduation from programs and degrees, but his eyes were drawn to the centerpiece.

He didn’t know a lot of stuff, but he could recognize military awards, and he definitely knew what a Purple Heart looked like.

For a moment, a jolt of anxiety flashed through him. A veteran, someone who’d fought in the war, someone who might have prejudice against certain people.

A medic’s arm band was displayed as well, soothing some of that anxiety. Medics hopefully wouldn’t be as biased as other vets, and Harvey hadn’t given any inkling so far that he noticed anything different about Jas from any other child.

He glanced back at the doctor and his cane. That made more sense now.

So he’d earned that limp, then. Shane swallowed something bitter. He’d expected soft hands and placid words. Not scars. Not this.

“Well.” Harvey said as he shut the door behind him, shutting Shane off from escape and giving them both a smile. “Let’s get started then, shall we?”

Chapter Text

“But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell… I know right now you can't tell, but stay awhile and maybe then you'll see a different side of me.” 

- Unwell, Matchbox Twenty

“I’ll see you next Wednesday, then!” Harvey smiles. “How is 2:30?”

After Marnie and Jas left the clinic, Harvey sat down at his desk with a thud. He knew he’d have to get to know Shane and his shared history with Jas to really understand and support her, but the man was so damn guarded. 

He wasn’t one to make legitimate friends easily, but people rarely disliked Harvey. That’s why he didn’t understand what was up with Shane. He’d been friendly with him, and got… whatever that whole, ‘Doc’ thing was in response. 

And then Harvey choked on his coffee like a dork and didn’t even get to say anything to the guy. He flushed thinking about it, he hated how awkward he could be sometimes. As he leaned forward and rested his forehead on his desk with a groan, he heard the fax machine start up. 

Jas’s records. 

He sits straight up and scooches his chair closer to the fax machine, grabbing the file a page at a time.

Patient Name: Jasmine Petrovna

DOB: Summer 4, 2019

Patient ID: PT-032400JP

Parent or Guardian: Shane Callahan (God-Father)

Emergency Contact: Marnie Callahan

The next few pages include her medication list, immunization records, allergies, and health issues. It mentions her tree-nut allergy and lists asthma as her only health issue, despite the caseworker sharing her worries about post-trauma symptoms. Her diagnosis stated mild persistent asthma triggered by environmental stressors. Hypoxia-induced respiratory distress. Minor thermal burns, superficial to her left arm and left side of her face. Noted signs of anxiety and night terrors during her short stay in the hospital. 

The asthma was caused by smoke inhalation? How bad was this fire to cause that much damage? How did Shane get them both out?

When Harvey gets to the family history page, he sees their names. 

Iris and Joel Petrovna.

There were no health concerns in their family history, which was a concern Harvey had. He didn’t get the impression that Shane knew the in-depth medical information about Jas’s parents. Still, Harvey had so many questions after looking through Jas’s file. 

Questions that were likely answered in the news, following the fire where two people lost their lives. That had to have been big news. 

He feels guilty typing their names into the search bar. It felt like an invasion of Jas and Shane’s privacy, but he felt that having this information might give him an edge in planning her care plan. That’s what he told himself, when he came across their obituaries. 

Jas’s mother looked exactly like her. She had noticeably tan skin and purple hair that fell in waves down her shoulders. The obituary photo was a photo of her and infant Jas. She wore a smile that seemed more teasing than anything, eyes fixed to a point off camera while Jas, young and pudgy in the way all babies were, was smiling widely at whoever was taking their picture. They looked so happy, like they were ready to take on the world. 

Joel’s obituary photo made him seem like a goofy guy with that huge grin on his face, and a similar jersey to the one that Shane had worn under his jacket. He certainly filled out the jersey better than Shane had, with his broad shoulders. Jas hadn’t inherited any looks from him- the blonde hair and blue eyes was surprising. For a second, it throws him. But when his eyes land back on the man’s smile, he knows this is definitely Jas’s father. 

His smile was wide, toothy, and shameless. The kind that came from someone who laughed loudly and didn’t care who heard. Harvey couldn’t help but smile back. He almost missed it, but the corners of Joel’s smile were exactly the same as Jas’s. Just more worn-in. Bigger, but unmistakable. He wondered if she knew. Jas didn’t grin like that, not yet. But once or twice in the first session with her, she smiled like she’d inherited the memory of it.

The article, titled Tragedy on Briar Lane: Faulty Wiring Blamed in Devastating House Fire , sat in the search results for a moment while Harvey read the title a few times. 

When he clicked it, he saw the aftermath of the fire. Harvey couldn’t even begin to imagine what the house looked like before, the walls had all but crumbled. The blackened skeleton of the house was left behind, just wooden beams half-collapsed. No roof, no windows, just… ruin. He tried to picture those two people he’d just seen pictures of living and laughing in this house, but all he could imagine were the screams. 

He scrolled past to rid the image from his mind, to read what caused it, how they even survived with the severity of Jas’s smoke inhalation. 

Tragedy on Briar Lane: Faulty Wiring Blamed in Devastating House Fire

By Felicia Miller

It happened in the middle of the night on Briar Lane. When first responders arrived, they found 3-year-old Jasmine Petrovna and family friend 25-year-old Shane Callahan unconscious outside of the residence. Efforts were made to rescue 26 year-old Iris and 25-year-old Joel Petrovna, but it quickly became a recovery mission with the extent and severity of the fire. 

The remains of Joel and Iris Petrovna were found in the home, and authorities speculate that they likely died due to smoke inhalation.

Authorities say that the fire that erupted in the rental home originated in the basement due to faulty wiring. The two-story home was over a century old and hadn’t had an electrical inspection in over a decade. 

Shane and Jasmine were transported to the hospital with mild to severe injuries and are expected to recover. 

“This is a tragedy that could have been prevented,” said Fire Chief Jody Day. “We urge homeowners and renters alike to ensure their homes' electrical systems are professionally installed and inspected regularly.”

Joel Petrovna’s (formerly Joseph Whitaker II) family will be holding a memorial service for him later this week at the Willowridge Community Center in Pineford. 

Joel’s mother, Heidi Whitaker of Pineford, reached out to the news center this morning. “He’s back with his family now. We’d like to thank the first responders in their efforts for bringing our baby boy home.” 

A private memorial service for Iris Petrovna will be scheduled at a later date. The family thanks you for providing them with privacy at this time to heal. 

Harvey blinked away tears that he hadn’t realized were gathering as he sat and stared at the article. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he took off his glasses and dropped them unceremoniously on his desk. 

Resting his elbows on the desk with palms pressed into his eyes, he takes a shaky breath. His heart was breaking into pieces for them.

I need to do what I can to help Jas through this. Shane, too. It doesn’t seem like they have anyone but Marnie in their corner.

When he sits up and wipes his eyes a final time, closing out of the article and powering off his computer, he wonders just how he’ll ever get through to Shane. 

. . .

Harvey didn’t sleep well last night, he’d tossed back and forth, flickers of flames behind his eyes. When morning came, he got out of bed with a purpose. He’d be headed to the museum to do some research on pediatric psychology and talk-therapy. Just to refresh and make sure he was on his A-game next week to help Jas. 

Certainly not because he was dealing with a huge case of impostor syndrome. He had the degrees, the certifications… Hell, he had his own trauma as experience, but it didn’t make him feel any more like the right person to do the job. 

Gathering books and finding resources online was how he spent his morning, before begrudgingly heading over to Joja Mart. 

It was the only place you could get anything these days without driving two hours into the city, and he wanted things that Pierre just didn't have. Like coloring books, art supplies, and maybe a few dolls like Jas carried around. 

Harvey didn't want to support Joja, but he also wanted to take the time to make sure that his clinic was right for his patients. He paused in the aisle, staring at a shelf of colorful notebooks. They looked like the kind Jas might like. He carefully placed a few into the cart, then added some crayons and a doll with purple hair from the next shelf over. He’d chosen the purple haired doll without thinking, it had just reminded him of Jas, he supposed. 

It wasn’t just about having the right supplies. It was about creating a space that felt safe, and he felt like he needed a second opinion. 

When he got back to the clinic, he dialed Maru’s number on the landline.

“Good morning, Harvey!” She said as she picked up.

“Hey Maru, want to work some extra hours this weekend? I’m trying to spruce up the place to make it more comfortable for the new patients.” Harvey said into the phone, absently flipping through the coloring books he’d purchased. 

“Yes! I actually had some ideas about that, and more plants, if you think that'll help.” 

“I'm sure the plants would be perfect. And I  would really appreciate the help… I'm not great at interior design. Any and all ideas are welcome!”

“Will do, see ya!”

They spent the afternoon making it that bit more cozier in his half office, half exam room. 

“So what made you want to freshen the place up?” Maru asked, tacking an informational poster she’d brought with her to the wall. 

“Well, I suppose I wanted it to be more welcoming, especially for those that don't particularly enjoy visiting their doctor.” Harvey said, organizing the children's shelf in the corner and adding crayons to a cup above. “I have enough space that feels like a hospital, might as well make my personal office a little more homey, right?”

“Well I think it's sweet.” Maru says, stepping down from the stool she'd used. “To go to all this trouble for Jas.” 

Harvey can't help but blush. “Well, it's for all of my patients of course.” 

Maru eyes the books on his desk, all about child psychology and talk-therapy. “You’re a good guy, Doctor Harvey. That’s all I meant.” 

“Thanks, Maru.” 

. . . 

“Well.” Harvey said as he shut the door behind him. “Let’s get started then, shall we?”

A few quiet taps of his cane followed him as he crossed the room to sit across from Jas and Shane. He can feel their eyes on him, but tries not to think about it.

“So, how are you, Jas?” Harvey smiles, picking up his mug of coffee and taking a sip. 

Jas is silent, turning her face pointedly as Shane and raising an expectant eyebrow.

He stares back, unimpressed. “What are you looking at me for? You know how to talk.”

Harvey blinked, unsure whether to intervene or let it play out.

Jas’s eyes widen briefly, then narrow, nostrils flaring in silent rage. 

Shane just raises an eyebrow right back. “Jassy. Would I actually bring you here if he was weird?”

That caught Harvey off guard. Not weird , huh? That felt like... praise, coming from Shane. Maybe even trust. He didn’t know what he’d expected, but it wasn’t this.

Jas thinks for a moment, glances at Harvey, then shakes her head. Still a no. Not ready. Harvey tries to hide his disappointment.

“Marnie told me you already called him a cripple, jig is up, Princess.” Shane added, more amused than annoyed.

Jas sighs and rolls her eyes. “Whatever. You’re no fun.”

“Excuse you.” Shane deadpans, lowering his face to stare directly into her eyes. “I’m a joy.”

And just like that, Jas cackled. The sound was sharp and sudden and completely unguarded. Shane’s lip twitched like he was holding back a grin.

Harvey sat back, letting the warmth of his coffee mask the warmth rising in his chest. So that’s how it is, he thought. They sniped, they poked, they performed this biting little dance, but there was something solid underneath. Not quite soft, but real. Protective.

Jas gets up from her seat and moves over to the toys Harvey had brought in. A small victory, he thinks, when she picks up the doll he’d purchased.

Harvey can’t help but chuckle before he asks, "What is your favorite thing about your family?"

Jas had pulled her doll from her bag and had it sit next to a doll she’d found in the bin. Without looking up, she responded. “When I wake up, they're home. I got Shane, even though he smells bad.”

Shane sits forward, a look of offense on his face as he struggles not to interrupt, but Jas sends him a toothy grin. She definitely meant it as a cheeky jab.

“Marnie smells like hay, and we have chickens. I like chickens.”

“It sounds like you have a really great family, Jas. It makes me wonder who you turn to for help when you are struggling. Is it one of them?"

“Shane.” She answers easily as she carefully adjusts the dolls positions and turns to look through the shelf. “Well, when he’s busy I go to Aunt Marnie, but I want to go to Shane.”

“Why is that?” Harvey probes gently, not missing Shane’s reaction to her comment. He crossed his arms and looked down, the shame etched on his face. 

Jas met his eyes, looking at him like he was stupid. “Because he’s Shane?”

Harvey smiles, “Fair enough.” 

Jas smiles to herself, like it’s a little victory. 

"What are some of your strengths, Jas?"

“I dance real good. And I’m not afraid of worms.” She responds, a prideful grin on her face. 

Shane nods in agreement, a small ghost of a smile on his lips. 

Harvey puts his coffee mug down on his desk and picks up his clipboard. He ticks a few boxes and says, “I really appreciate you coming to talk with me Jas. I’m sure your Uncle Shane explained why we do this kind of doctor’s appointment?”

Jas nods, and looks back down at the bookshelf. She looked through the coloring books quietly.  

“Do you have any questions for me about therapy?” 

She shook her head, but then stopped leafing through the books and looked back at Harvey. “Have you ever gone to therapy for you?”

Harvey raises his eyebrows at that one. Not the question I would have expected, and he wasn’t sure he wanted Shane knowing all that about him, but he had priorities here. “Well, sure. A lot of people do it.”

She nods with a kind of knowing look and turns back to the shelf, choosing a book and pulling it out. Oh… she’s good.

She takes the cup of crayons from the shelf and begins searching for the page she wants to color. 

"Do you have friends?” Harvey leans back in his chair and watches her leaf through the coloring book. 

“Do you have friends, Mr. Harvey?” She asks with an eyebrow raised. 

He chuckles, and she responds without him having to answer. “Vincent. He’s the only other kid. He’s shorter than me and likes snails.”

“One good friend is all you need. What do you like to do with Vincent?"

“I dunno. We do a lot. We play outside a lot, and we have school with Miss Penny every day.”

Harvey takes a break from the questions, instead chatting more relaxed for a few minutes as he finishes his coffee. The coloring page she chose was the topic of conversation, and Harvey picked out his own book to color while they chatted. She shared about hunting for snails with Vincent, reading at the museum, going on walks with Penny, and taking care of chickens. All the while, the smell and sound of crayons scratching in their books is a comforting background noise. 

"So Jas, you told me about what your family is like. What was your family like when you were younger? What were some of your favorite things about your family?"

Shane inhaled sharply, his shoulders tensing up. Harvey felt a pang of guilt in his chest for mentioning them- it was just as hard for him as it was for Jas. Maybe harder.

“My mom was crazy.” Jas grinned, all teeth and wild eyes. “A firecracker, and I’m just like her.” 

Harvey couldn’t help but shake his head with a smile. What a beautiful thing to say, and spot on, from what I’ve seen of her so far. Though, she’d been so young. Harvey peeks up at Shane, everything she was saying echoed with someone else’s memory, but Jas had proudly claimed it as her own. 

“I’m sure you are! And how about your father?”

Jas’s brow furrowed slightly, and for a moment, she looked distressed. “I don’t… I think he was…” She looked to Shane, trying to remember all the things he’d told her. 

She looked back at Harvey and answered. “He was nice. And big. And he gave good hugs.” 

He can’t help but sneak a glance at Shane. This was tearing him up to hear. His eyes were full of heartbreak looking down at Jas as she described her father. He could see Shane’s jaw tighten as he looked down at his hands, holding them tightly together.

“They sound like they were really great, Jas.” He caught her eye before saying, “They had to be, for them to be parents to someone as wonderful as you.” 

She giggled and kept coloring, the heartache behind Harvey’s words going right over her head. He snuck a glance at Shane and immediately regretted it. He looked down at Jas like she was the most beautiful and tragic thing in his life. Fragile, priceless, terrifying.

"Is there anything else you want me to know about you?"

“Uh…” Jas bit her lip, thinking hard. “I like flowers, especially fairy roses and irises. My favorite color is purple.”

With a nod, Harvey says, “Noted.” 

And then he noted it.

. . . 

Harvey walked down into the clinic a little later the next morning, knowing he had no appointments and that Maru would be there to open. He’d spent the morning reading his flight manuals and listening for anything on his radio- it was a way to relax after yesterday. 

It wasn’t that it was a bad time to be providing therapy for Jas, but he had so much anxiety in general about doing a good enough job, dealing with Shane, and making the progress he wanted to make that after the session, he found himself curled up on the couch with a glass of wine, enjoying his favorite cooking show to unwind.

So after plenty of sleep, a fresh cup of coffee, and a long shower to start the day, he greeted Maru warmly. 

“Good morning Maru,” He said with a smile, peeking his head into the lobby through the reception door.

Maru abruptly spun in her chair to look at Harvey, and put her hands on her lap, looking at him expectantly. “How was it yesterday?”

He raised his eyebrows, “The appointment with Jas?” He opened the door all of the way and leaned against the frame, cane in hand. “It was fine, she seems like a really great kid, just been through a lot. Why?”

Maru sat back in the chair and shrugged, “Just something I heard last night.”

“About Jas’s therapy?” Harvey raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t think that Shane or Marnie had made that public knowledge-” 

Maru waves a hand. “No, no, just about Shane.” She peeked behind her to make sure no one was there, in the generally empty clinic, when she turned back to Harvey. “Sebastian told me that Shane was out late last night… drinking himself silly. I had figured that the therapy session had gone terribly wrong or something!” 

What the hell? He left that session and went to drink at the Stardrop? There had been a few moments where Jas mentioned her past and Shane had certainly reacted, but Harvey hadn’t been concerned that he was going to be reckless following the session.

“That’s surprising,” Harvey said simply, “I didn’t get the impression that it went poorly at all,” He tapped his cane a few times on the floor out of habit, thinking deeply. 

“I’m sure it wasn’t just the therapy session, he does it every so often anyways. Don’t beat yourself up about it, Harvey.”

Harvey looked at Maru, and made a decision. He wanted to have someone to talk to, and Jas and Shane were protected under patient privacy rights. “You’re on Jas’s care team, so I feel like her situation pertains to you.”

Maru kind of shrugs, “As needed, sure.”

Harvey sighs, before taking a deep breath and letting his thoughts roll. “She’s been through a lot, so has Shane. They experienced a life changing tragedy together that I think has created some kind of codependent relationship, but that Shane is pulling away from Jas and causing her distress unintentionally.” He pauses for long enough to take a breath, and then dives back in before Maru can respond. 

“I think it’s because he’s so emotionally distraught from the experience that he isn’t able to be there for her the way that he wants to, and to help her I need to help him. I also think that her trying to talk through her own experiences or talking about her life before the experience is incredibly taxing on Shane.” He runs a hand through his hair and looks at Maru, a look of helplessness on his face.

Maru opens her mouth to say something. And then she closes it. 

They look at each other helplessly for a moment, and then she says it. “What if he doesn’t want your help? After one session of therapy- that wasn’t even his own therapy session, mind you, he drowned his sorrows. Publicly. Sebastian said that Emily had to walk him home, and that it wasn’t the first time.”

And that just pulls at Harvey’s heart strings even more. “I think that Jas needs him, he’s her only constant in life. She won’t feel safe or break that codependent behavior until she’s certain he’s a safe person that won’t go anywhere.”

“You can’t just sign someone up for therapy and make them go, Harvey. How are you going to fix Shane?”

Harvey shrugs, “It’s not about signing him up for therapy, it’s about making sure that him and Jas continue to attend. I’ll hope that what I’m saying to Jas sort of rubs off on him.” A beat. “Like therapy through osmosis.”

Maru laughs at that. “You’re a good guy Harvey. I hope that it works out.” She scoots back to her spot and looks back at him with a smile that doesn’t quite meet her eyes. “But sometimes you just have to save who you can.”

It’s funny how many people keep feeling obligated to say that to me. 

. . .

Jas and Shane came to see Harvey every Wednesday at 2:30 for the next month. 

WEEK ONE.

It started out similarly to how the first session went- awkward questions to get to know Jas and how she views the world. To try and figure out why she created this shell around herself that she kept up unless Shane was around, and what other effects this trauma had on her. 

When Jas asked Harvey to read a book to her, one that focused on astrology, it was the first time she’d initiated anything beyond solitary play.

Harvey used her interest in books to ask, "How are things going with school?"

Jas’s mouth puckered at that, eyes going shifty. “Fine.” She said like it was the truth. “My teacher said I’m real smart.”

Shane snorts at that. That could mean anything from “that’s true” to “she’s totally playing you.” Harvey raised an eyebrow at him, but dismissed it. 

WEEK TWO.

Harvey got her to create a chart with him about her feelings. She made a couple of jokes about it being lame, for babies. But when he started to ask her about her dreams, she used her chart and talked to him about how dreams can be scary, or angry. 

Harvey had gone through all of his introductory questions the first two weeks. He didn’t know how to ask the last couple, he’d actually been dreading it, so he leaned forward, voice calm but serious, "Have you ever had thoughts about hurting yourself or others?"

“I bit someone once! She deserved it.” Jas didn’t seem the slightest bit ashamed. Harvey felt extremely relieved to hear the silly response.

Harvey chuckles at that, but catches himself, “Funny, but not something I’d recommend.”

“She bit a nurse.” Shane says, glancing at Jas. “She did deserve it.”

“Well in the future, I sure hope you at least verbally threaten the nurse before going in for a bite, Maru is very good at listening.” He taps his clipboard with his pen a few times before asking, "Have you ever felt like things were so bad that you wanted to give up?"

Shane’s eyes widened, then his gaze turned into a fiery glare. He sat forward, causing Harvey to almost jump out of his skin. “What are you trying to-”

Jas put a hand on his face. Square in the center of his face.

Shane quieted himself. Maybe it was just the shock, but Harvey felt like Shane understood the gravity of the situation. She was choosing to speak up about something hard, and she wasn’t joking around this time. 

“Don’t interrupt. He asked me.” Jas patted Shane’s cheek before looking back at Harvey. “I don’t give up. Even when…” She looked down for a moment, and held her doll closer to her chest. “I don’t give up. Uncle Shane said giving up is for quitters.”

It was small, maybe, but to Harvey, it felt like a turning point. Jas was starting to trust.

WEEK THREE.

Harvey was finishing up some work when he walked into the lobby and found Shane. Jas was in the restroom, so they were alone. Was that the first time since they had met? 

“Good afternoon, Shane. How’s the nice weather treating you?” Harvey tries.

Shane grunts. Well, it’s a start. 

When Jas wandered back into the lobby, she beamed at him. “Mr. Harvey!” 

“Hey Jas!” Harvey matched her grin and asked, “How’s it going kiddo?”

She ran over to her uncle and tugged on his sweater, “I need my drawing back to show Mr. Harvey!” 

Before Shane could even finish retrieving the drawing from her bag, she tore it from his hands and ran up to Harvey. There’s something fulfilling about a tough kid finally starting to come around. 

“I drew a chicken!” She shows him an adorable drawing of an angry blue chicken. 

“That’s really great, Jas!” He says, and before he can ask any questions about it, she turns it around to show him the other side.

“I drew you as a chicken too, Harvey! It’s a cripple chicken!” 

Sure enough, the other side of her drawing featured a chicken with a cane. And what looked like a broken leg, bent horribly at a right angle. 

“Jas, that’s amazing.” Harvey says, letting out a small laugh, but honestly, it wasn’t all that funny to him. He genuinely loved it. “Could I hang that in the office?”

Her eyes sparkled as she nodded and handed him the drawing. It shouldn’t make him so emotional, but it did.

WEEK FOUR.

Jas had started asking more questions about Harvey. 

“Do you like cake Mr. Harvey?”

“I always preferred a nice meal, rather than dessert.” He laughed, “I like pickles, though!” 

 “Did you ever get sick as a kid?” Her personal interest was blooming.

“Not too bad, I used to get the flu every year when I was little. I never had to stay in the hospital until I was a grown up.”

“Hospitals aren’t fun.” She said, looking up at her uncle. 

“No they are not, Princess.” Shane said, rubbing her back soothingly. 

Further into the session, Jas had asked Harvey to play dolls with her, and so he surprised her by getting down on the floor, bum knee and all, and playing with her. Jas suggested a tea party with her Dolly and Harvey’s toys. Learning through play was a huge thing for kids, but for therapists too. How a child interacts with toys and their imagination can say a lot about their emotional state.

Harvey had been holding a barbie doll, doing his best impression of a woman enjoying tea with her friends. Until Jas held up a little teacup to a brown-haired doll’s mouth. 

When she made the choking sound, Harvey jumped for a moment thinking that Jas was actually choking. 

She then said, in an impression of someone choking, “Is there honey in this tea?” Jas turned Dolly towards the doll and gasped, “Yes! I forgot about your allergy!”

She held the doll with the allergy tight in her hands, shaking her violently and making choking sounds until she went silent.

Did she just give her doll anaphylaxis? 

“Oh no, it’s too late.” She said in her Dolly voice. She then took the brown-haired doll, and placed it face down on the floor beside them. 

Harvey raises an eyebrow, “What happened to her, is she sick now?” 

“No, she drank honey, and she’s allergic to that.” 

Harvey contemplates that idea. A curious way to play, for a little girl who loved dolls. “Can our dolls give her some medicine?” 

“They don’t know how.” Jas just pretends to pour more tea into their cups with a frown on her face.

Harvey nods, “Maybe we can call a doctor, don’t you think that would be a good way to help?”

Jas just shook her head and said, “She’s gone now, up in the stars.” She shrugged and said, “It’s not that bad, she just isn’t here anymore.” 

Shane looked vaguely confused and alarmed when she made that final comment on the matter, and Harvey couldn’t agree more. Watching how children interact with their toys and communicate through play was the surest way to see how they saw the world and what was on the forefront of their minds. 

Jas was focused on death, or maybe more specifically dying.

But she just smiled and packed away the dolls into the toy box and said she had a lot of fun. She held her Dolly close and looked at Harvey expectantly once the toys were away. He pulled out some coloring supplies to occupy her while he wrote down a record of what had occurred. 

. . . 

“So I’ve gotta ask, what is your perfect day like?" Harvey asked towards the end of the session, following the eventful tea party and three chicken drawings later. 

“Shane makes me breakfast. I like eggs.” She finished up the details on her final chicken, and held her crayon to her temple like it might help the thoughts come faster.

The lightbulb appears over her head as she goes back to drawing and finishes her answer. “Then, I play with Vincent and beat him in a race because I’m faster. I get a sandwich from Miss Jodi, I like peanut butter and jelly, and when I get home Shane is there for dinner.” Harvey looked over at Shane, who was holding the girls dolls for her, a chicken drawing balancing on his lap. 

This guy is the center of her world. She was most certainly the center of his, too. He’d need to have a meeting with Shane to discuss her experiences and a treatment plan for getting her through this loss. It was going to be like pulling teeth, but for a kid like Jas, it would be worth every one.

Chapter Text

“Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones, and I will try to fix you”

Fix you, Coldplay

Shane didn’t really know what to think of Dr. Harvey Whitmore. 

His first impression had been pretty cut and dry. The man was nerdy and easy to spook, too perfect and well groomed, but not a bad guy. Shane never would have let him near Jas if he gave any inkling of being weird.

Seeing that the man was a veteran, that his limp (that apparently Jas had been eager to comment on) was one of valor, didn’t fit the picture he’d drawn in his head. A man like that seemed like the type to run away from conflict, but apparently that wasn’t true. He’d done something Shane hadn’t had the courage to do when the call came in for troops. Shane hadn’t wanted to get involved in that conflict anyways, seeing how Iris felt about the war, but it had been a last resort if he ran out of options. Thankfully it had never come to that.

All that aside, seeing Harvey talk to Jas…

She’d tried to pull her mute card, looking up at him with expectant eyes. He remembered how she’d refused to talk after they’d taken her following the fire, to anyone but him. Everyone was so eager to speak for her, to tell him how she was handling things, as if she wasn’t there at all. She had a strong voice, and it ticked him off when she refused to use it out of spite. He knew what it was like to not have a voice as a kid, he didn’t want her to give up her right to hers.

He’d won her over by telling her how Marnie had told him, absolutely horrified, that Jas had called the nice doctor a cripple to his face. He’d burst out laughing, and Marnie had scowled at him fiercely.

He got her to laugh the way he always did, and she laughed like she was supposed to. He hadn’t heard it in a while. Not because she wasn’t laughing, but because he’d been avoiding her when she was awake, and the time they did spend together was brief. She probably laughed more with Marnie anyways.

It was easy to fall in that rhythm, the sniping. It was something he used to do with Iris, fake little arguments that meant nothing except to poke at each other. Ever since Jas learned to talk, she’d decided she wanted in, and only at Shane’s expense. She would always use her limited vocabulary to tell him he smelled like feet, and he’d use his big boy vocabulary to tell her ‘I know what you are, but what am I?’ right back.

She settled in after that, pulling out Dolly from her bag and picking through the selection of kids toys in the room. Shane watched her silently, trying to calm the itching under his skin. The shame. It shouldn’t make him uncomfortable to spend time with her, she’d been his little buddy once, but- He wasn’t good for her. He wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t supposed to be the one who made it out.

And yet-

She wanted him. 

She called him smelly, which he almost snapped back in pure instinct to call her a shortstack, but he bit it back. Therapy and all that. He probably wasn’t supposed to talk at all, especially to insult her in front of the doctor. He didn’t actually care what this guy thought of him, but he could shut up for Jas.

“It sounds like you have a great family, Jas.” Harvey adjusts his glasses, tone kind in that doctor way that made Shane ill. “It makes me wonder who you turn to for help when you’re struggling. Is it one of them?”

Jas doesn’t even seem to think as she plays with Dolly and another doll made of plastic and cloth, she just says his name like it’s the obvious answer.

“Well,” She amends as she steals a glance at him. “When he’s busy I go to Aunt Marnie, but I want to go to Shane.”

Harvey asked why that is right as Shane’s brain asks the same question. Why could she possibly want to go to him for anything? He was a failure, he’d failed everyone in his life, and he was failing her constantly these days. Marnie actually knew what she was doing, at least more than he did.

“Because he’s Shane?” She said like it was obvious, like there was any reason to choose him willingly.

“Fair enough.” Harvey nodded at her, leaving Shane the only one bewildered.

He managed to get enough of a hold over himself to listen to her talk. 

She talked about dancing. 

The sudden memory of Iris swinging her around the nursery by her arms while the radio blasted and Joel fretted about her getting hurt assaulted his senses. He swallowed thickly, a mix of deeply fond and overwhelmed.

Jas loved to dance. He…hadn’t known she started up again. Marnie had mentioned something about it, maybe, but he hadn’t taken note of it. Why hadn’t he? Too drunk probably, too numb to the world to care that she wanted to dance again.

Sweet little Jas interrogated the doctor, a spark in her eyes that was so much like her mother. She asked if he went to therapy, which he apparently did. Shane didn’t see why adults needed therapy, really. Though the guy had been a soldier, so he supposed that was as good of an excuse as any.

She’d also turned his question about friends right back in his face, making a small bit of pride well up. Sadly she didn’t follow through, he’d been curious too. The guy was new in town, so he was probably pretty friendless right now. Join the club, buddy.

Jas started talking about Vincent.

Thank god she wasn’t weird about boys yet. Vincent seemed like a good enough kid. He’d gone out of his way to befriend Jas when they’d first moved there, back when Jas was still quiet and nervous, and he’d managed to adjust pretty well to her true personality shining through. Hopefully Shane would never have to have a talk with him, he really didn’t want to do that. 

(That had been a joke once, teased by Iris as a baby Jas slept in her arms. 

“Joel could never do it.” She’d smiled, looking at her husband. He smiled at her, shrugging a shoulder. For a guy that had been a linebacker and was taller and broader than some men double his age, he’d always been such a soft soul. He wasn’t the type to sit out on the porch with a shotgun and scare dates.

“You though, Moonshine.” Her gaze turned to Shane and smile turned sharp, but so deeply fond as she used the nickname he’d learned to deal with, the companion to Joel’s ‘Sunshine’ and her ‘Starshine’. “You’re going to give all our girl’s boyfriends a run for their money.”)

It was easy to let his mind wander as they chatted, Harvey letting Jas talk about whatever she wanted as she colored. Shane didn’t tune in fully, watching Jas’s body language instead. She was relaxed, but just tense enough to show she hadn’t fully settled in yet. She didn’t really settle anymore, but it’s better than it used to be. 

“What was your family like when you were younger?” Harvey had said more, but it shifted into static as Shane’s mind skidded to a halt. He went tense, sucking in a breath when his body realized he still needed to breathe. He forced himself not to interrupt.

“My mom was crazy. A firecracker, and I’m just like her.” Her voice was thick with pride and admiration, the way her voice always got when she talked about Iris. When she’d sneak into his room and sit next to him when he was just drunk enough not to care, and ask in her tiny voice to tell him a story. 

Then Harvey asked about her dad, and Shane watched distress crowd her features as she struggled for an answer.

“He was nice.” She looked at Shane nervously before looking back at Harvey. “And big. And he gave good hugs.”

Shane stared at her, eyes wide and itchy, chest tight. 

She…couldn’t remember? He’d known she’d been little, and it had been three years since she’d seen her father, but had she really forgotten details about him? 

Had his avoidance on talking about Joel killed his memory?

It was easy to mention Iris in their stories, she was safe, easy. She’d been crazy and beautiful and amazing, and even when he’d known her she was never tethered to the earth like everyone else was. She was stardust and dreams, and him and Joel were the only ones she didn’t pretend to be human for.

But Joel. He was- 

(Sunshine. In fact, the very sun itself)

Shane forced the thoughts back before they could take root. Before he could see that face in his head. The windswept blonde hair always messed up by wandering hands, the kindest, bluest eyes grey with death, face burned into a black and red mess of flesh, a photograph on a hospital table, scorched into his brain.

He managed not to jump as Jas grabbed his hand, meeting her eyes. She smiled at him, but her eyes were a touch concerned.

“Are you ready to go home? Mr. Harvey said we’re done for the day.”

Shane cleared his throat, nodding. To be honest, he wanted to go drink until he managed to clamp the lid back on the box in his head, but he forced himself to stand up.

He avoided Harvey’s eyes as they walked out, giving the doctor a nod as Jas got her sticker. 

Jas hung on his arm as they walked back to the ranch, trying to swing from it. 

Joel used to swing her like that. She’d squeal and kick her legs, and he wouldn’t even sweat. When Iris and Shane had teased him, he’d just thrown them over his shoulders while Jas cheered. Shane still remembered-

“So that was therapy?” Jas pursed her lips in thought as her arms wrapped around his bent elbow, the toes of her shoes dragging on the ground. “It was different than I thought it would be.”

“What did you think?” 

“I dunno.” Jas shrugged, or attempted to as he dragged her across the town square. “Thought it would be weirder.”

Shane snorted at that, dragging his mind back to the moment. He had an objective. He needed to get Jas home. Only after she was safe could quiet his brain.

“So, when we get home can you play dolls with me?”

“Oh.” He rasps, smoke in his chest and ash in his bones. “I think I’ll have to rain check.”

Jas wilts, the grip on his arm tight and suffocating before she lets go and takes a step away, kicking the cobblestone path. 

“Oh.” She parrots, voice hollow. “Okay.”

He wants to apologize, wants to scoop her up and get her to smile again, but instead he says nothing.

He gives her back to Marnie, avoiding her disappointed eyes, and heads to the saloon.

He drinks until the memories are blurry enough not to hurt and the world doesn’t taste like burning flesh.

-

The next seven days were uneventful. He showed up to work hungover on Thursday and survived until Friday, giving Emily a fat tip for walking his drunk ass home the other night. He spent his weekend in his room, avoiding the little girl who kept trying to steal his attention. He felt like shit every time he dodged her, but she didn’t need to see him like this.

Tuesday night, Marnie caught him coming home.

“Get Jas from the library again tomorrow, same time.” Was all she said, eyes daring him to complain.

His fists clenched, the ol’ Callahan temper flaring to life in his chest. He opened his mouth to snap at her, but stopped himself, eyes flicking to the doorway. Jas was sleeping, he shouldn’t wake her.

“I thought it was one time!” He hissed through grit teeth.

“As long as Jas needs this, you’re doing this.” She stared at him, dark brown eyes bearing into his soul. “Are you going to tell me your afternoon off is more important than Jas getting help?”

He was rushed by the sudden memory of a much younger Marnie forcing him into timeout that week he’d visited as a child, her stern voice telling him to ‘cut that shit out and listen, young man’ and he’d been so startled by the fact that her hands were gentle even in her anger, that he’d stopped throwing a fit.

It was one of the reasons he’d brought Jas here, back when they were out of options and her caseworker told him she’d be difficult to manage. He’d thought that, no matter how Jas acted out, no matter how damaged she was, at least Marnie wouldn’t make it worse.

She was trying to fix what he couldn’t. Trying to pick up the pieces he was incapable of putting back together. Trying to bring back the child Jas had been before Shane let her parents die.

He couldn’t get in her way.

“Fine. Fucking- fine. Whatever.” He roughly opened the fridge and grabbed a beer, storming to his room like a petulant teenager.

He picked up Jas from the library on time the next day.

She lit up when she saw him, so bright like the sun that his brain told him her hair should’ve been blonde. 

Somehow she still didn’t hate him, barreling into him with her bag thrown over her shoulder.

“Therapy now?” She asked, waving goodbye to Vincent and Penny.

“Yeah.” He let her wind their fingers together and swing their arms back and forth between them the whole walk, her chatting about her day and all she’d learned since last week.

Harvey greeted them at the front desk like before, smiling widely at Jas. His eyes snagged on Shane for a moment, smile dimming just enough to be noticeable, then the moment was gone and he was moving around the desk. He was used to looks like that, so it shouldn’t bother him. He wasn’t sure why it did.

Jas wasn’t nearly as hesitant this time, dragging Shane down the hall and into the exam room. She wasn’t talking anymore, but once she’d sat down in front of the table, she immediately held out her hand and demanded a sticker.

Harvey put up the slightest fuss about her getting a sticker at the end of the appointment, but gave in anyway. Everyone gave in to Jas, and she knew it. Even Marnie was wrapped around her finger, despite being able to put her foot down on occasion. Jas was just special like that, and way too aware of how cute she was.

With her sticker in hand, a cartoonish caricature of a smiling donut, she allowed him to ask questions again. She gave simple answers as she flipped through a coloring book, purposefully turning to the last page, a blank buffer page without a stenciled drawing, and began to freehand with a look of concentration.

When she got bored of that and his questions, she stood with a flourish and marched over to the bookshelf, looking through it. 

“I don’t need any help picking a book, just so you know.” She stated loudly as she ran her finger down each individual spine. “Cause I can read.”

“That’s very impressive, Jasmine.” Harvey praised, pausing as Jas’s face twisted into a look of vague disgust.

“You can’t call me that, only Shane can call me that.” Shane knew for a fact Marnie and Penny used it on occasion when Jas misbehaved, but it usually made everything worse. 

“My apologies, Jas. I won’t use it again.”

“Good!” She nodded at the doctor, pulling a book off the shelf and flicking through it. “I don’ like people who don’t listen.” 

She’d told Shane once that he was special, because he said it like Mommy used to. He didn’t use it like her caseworker or foster home did.

( “Y’know…” Iris said softly, voice light and airy. “Iris isn’t the name I was born with.” 

The three teens were tangled together on a blanket by the quarry, passing around a blunt and laughing about nothing.

“No way.” Shane rolled over, stomach lurching as the world spun before it settled into a gentle pulsing. He pressed his hands to the grass, trying to feel the earth’s heartbeat.

“Yeah!” She giggled, winding his fingers into Joel’s while her other hand pet Shane’s hair. He hummed, overwhelmed by the sensation.

“I had a name, a long time ago. It was beautiful, but they took it from me when we came here. I’m changing it the second I can, it won’t be the same, but it’s close enough. Iris. I love flowers.” 

“It’s such a pretty name.” Joel murmured, eyes half closed as he stared at the stars through the gaps in the trees. “Forrrr, such a pretty girl.”

Iris just giggled until her chest was heaving with the effort and she was curled into a ball. )

He was glad Jas hadn’t abandoned her name completely. Her mother had loved that name, her little Jasmine flower.

“Just so you know, I can read, but I want you to read it to me.” Jas pushed the book into Harvey’s hands, and Shane could now see the cover. It depicted a galaxy, a book about stars and constellations, and Shane’s chest ached at the sight.

“Of course.” Harvey nodded back at her, seeming to take her decree dead serious as he pulled over the wheeled stool every doctors office had (Jas called them spinny chairs. She got it from her mom, who used to steal them every time the doctor left the room, spinning round and round while Shane cheered and Joel fretted about the baby in her belly) and sat down.

He began to read as Jas hovered over his shoulder, her proudly pointing out all the constellations she knew.

“That’s the booty one!” She yelled into Harvey’s ear, pointing to a constellation in the book.

“Boötes.” Shane corrects her pronunciation from across the room, not even having to look to know which one she meant.

“You always called it Booties too.” Jas accused him, and she wasn’t wrong. It was Iris who used to puff out her cheeks at them calling her precious stars ‘booty stars’ but then it would melt away and she would roll her eyes, calling them childish even as she stuck her tongue out at them. Joel would watch fondly, that damned smile on his face as he effortlessly pronounced every constellation correctly.

“I know kiddo.” 

Harvey got so engrossed in reading he didn’t notice Jas leaning behind him to mess with the cane on the ground. Shane thought about telling her to leave it alone, but then she was standing back up and pointing back in the book like she’d done nothing at all.

Shane, who knew that girl too goddamn well, was immediately suspicious.

He didn’t get his answer until Harvey stood up, and Shane’s eyes immediately focused in on the sparkly cartoon donut stuck on his expensive looking wooden cane.

Shane flicked his eyes right back up, keeping his mouth shut. He wasn’t no snitch.

He asked her as they left where her sticker had gone, and she just smiled her too perfect little smile, chaos in her eyes.

Good girl.

Jas talked the entire walk back. She was clearly stalling for time at some points, but he let her.

-

The sun touched his face, warm fingers carding through his hair as the stars surrounded him. Blue eyes and black eyes, smiles filled with mirth. A palm rested across his cheek, gentle and firm.

The touch started to burn as perfect skin started to char and fester, as the hand pressed closer to his face even as his skin sizzled.

“Shane.” Two voices whispered his name like a prayer, one breathy and one a deep rumble, just far enough away that his ears had to strain.

Two charred corpses smiled at him, just as his skin went alight.

Shane startled weakly as something touched him, fighting through sleep and the hazy lingering panic of his nightmare and trying to claw his way back to consciousness.

He sat up once his body responded, nearly knocking heads with someone.

He squinted through the darkness, brain foggy.

“Iris?” He groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Stay in your own bed for once.” If Iris climbed in, then Joel would sleep there too, and Shane would wake up crushed between a wall of muscle and an octopus. It got even worse when Jas was born, since she always slept on his chest.

“Uncle Shane?” Iris- No. Not Iris. Too young, too small.

When had Jas gotten so big?

His blood ran cold. She was six. Iris was dead. He was in Pelican Town.

He forced himself to swallow the bile that had abruptly risen, letting out a cough that tasted like ash.

“Yeah?” He asked roughly, turning on his bedside lamp.

Jas was standing beside his bed, arms planted from where she’d clearly been trying to climb into bed with him.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

Shane looked at the clock and groaned. He had work in three hours.

“Jasmine, you haven’t slept in my bed since you were five.” Re-sleep training her once they moved to the valley had been hell. Obviously he knew she couldn’t share a bed with him forever after the fire, but being able to immediately find her had been useful in keeping him from blindly tearing apart the apartment while trying to rescue her in his sleep.

Of course Marnie had put her foot down about it when they’d moved in. Jas would have her own room and bed now, unlike at their tiny place in the city that had been meant for him and not for a kid. She needed her own space.

She’d fought Marnie hard. Jasmine had been known for her legendary tantrums as a toddler, but he’d assumed she’d grown out of them. The fire had brought back a lot of things, that had turned out to be one of them.

Unfortunately for her, Marnie was able to scoop her up and hold her under the arms until she stopped flailing, and put her to bed screams and all.

Shane listened to Jas fight her for hours, only sneaking in once an exhausted Marnie took her own leave. He didn’t pick her up, somehow, only smoothed down her hair and watched her sleeping face relax from its pinched expression.

He’d used the excuse given to avoid putting her to bed anymore, another way to pull back. Marnie hadn’t been happy, but Jas also fought much harder when Shane was home, so it had become easier for her to let it lie, especially when Jas grew up a little more.

She was usually asleep by the time he got home these days.

“Yeah.” Jas agreed. “So can I?”

Shane thought about it. He didn’t want to have to fight her to put her back to bed, and waking Marnie made him feel like a snitch.

He took in her frizzy hair, her wrap missing, her wide hopeful eyes rimmed with exhaustion, and nodded.

Jas beamed, limbs scrabbling as she tried to get onto the bed. Shane offered a hand and pulled her up, to her delight.

She snuggled up against him, stealing all the blankets and his pillow, hair tickling his chin as she tucked herself into the hollow that had been empty for a long time.

“I missed this.” She muttered sleepily, eyes already drifting closed. 

Shane didn’t sleep. Too many memories.

-

Jas didn’t stop asking the date every morning for the next week, catching him in the kitchen before work and asking if it was Wednesday yet. He’d point her to the calendar and ask her to read which date hadn’t been crossed out yet, and every time she sagged pitifully and kicked at the ground.

Today she jammed her finger against the shiny paper, turning blazing eyes towards him.

“Wednesday!” She screamed loud enough to wake the dead.

“So it is.” Shane sipped his coffee, grabbing her abandoned bagel and placing it back in her hands.

“That means it’s therapy day!” 

“So it does.”

“So you’ll get me from the library again?” She looked up at him with big eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Yes!” She pumped her fist, running back to the table to finish her breakfast in a hurry as if that would make 2pm come faster.

Damn. Kid must really like therapy.

His shift was as mind numbing as always, Morris telling him to restock and unload pallets until he had to leave. The man was still grumpy about Shane leaving early, even if it was the only way to prevent him from going into overtime, which they’d both get yelled at for.

He worked on autopilot, mind wandering and hands moving on their own as he did his Sisyphean task like he did every day. 

His watch beeped at 1:40, telling him to clock out and start making his way to the library to pick up Jas. He signed out on the sheet, ignored Sam’s snappy salute and loud goodbye, and escaped from that too bright coffin of 50% off stickers and cans of beans.

He gives Gunther his nod and steps into the library a few minutes shy of 2, and Jas is already all packed and standing by the bookshelves.

“Miss Penny said that if I learned to read the library clock, I could get ready before you came!” Jas said proudly as she pointed to a large analog clock on the far wall. “It wasn’t hard, once I figured out that the hour is short and the minute is long, which doesn’t really make sense? But I figured it out.”

“That’s good. Impressive.” Shane grunted, nodding at Penny as Jas took his hand and they walked out, ready to start their long trek to the doctor’s office.

“I know, right? Vincent keeps reading the clock wrong even though it’s so easy.” She bragged as they made their way across the bridge, her breaking away for a moment to peer over the edge and look for fish while his hand automatically grabbed the back of her shirt.

“How lame.” He said, as if he didn’t struggle to read analog until he was a teenager.

“I know, right?” Jas barreled on, only stopped from playing in Mayor Lewis’ garden bed by Shane wrapping an arm around her waist and carrying her past it. Not that he wouldn’t let her, but he didn’t need them both getting scolded again.

Harvey presented Jas with a ‘feelings chart’ this session, making her and Shane snort simultaneously. 

“That’s for babies.” Jas scoffed, even as she pulled a blanket from her bag and folded it on the ground, sitting down on it. “I’m not a baby.”

“Do you feel things?”

Jas tilted her head, thinking for a moment.

“Yeah? Obviously.”

“Everyone has feelings, Jas. You, me,” Harvey glanced up at Shane. “…Shane. It doesn’t make us babies to identify them, it just gives us the tools to know what we’re feeling.”

Jas chewed on that for a moment, then slowly nodded.

She looked a bit overwhelmed as she looked through the cut out cards of more emotions than Shane thought a person was capable of, looking between them and the blank chart she was supposed to stick them to.

“There’s a lot of these…” 

“Let’s start easy. Look at the pictures instead of the words, which one represents you right now?” 

Jas hummed, glancing at Shane, then back at the cards. 

She picked up two cards slowly, turning them over in her hands as she studied them hard.

“I think I’m both, but mashed together.”

Harvey nodded. “People can feel more than one thing at once! That’s why there’s room for more than one in today’s spot.”

Jas glanced at him once again, then slowly put two faces in the ‘Today I Feel…’ section.

One had a big goofy grin, with the label ‘Happy’ while the other was of a kid with a wobbly mouth and nervous eyes, labeled ‘Anxious’.

Jas had been an emotional kid, ever since she was little. She had the most legendary tantrums and the firmest opinions even before she could articulate what she felt. She was a kid, it was normal.

Until after the fire, when every adult involved kept telling him she felt too much, that nobody could handle her, asking Shane how to manage her like he knew. He couldn’t tell them that only Joel could calm her down from a tantrum, with his calm voice and gentle hands, whereas she and Shane worked each other up. He wasn’t the right one.

Now, she’d seemed to grow out of most of her explosiveness, stable in the valley, but apparently it wasn’t all gone. She was anxious. Was it therapy jitters? Was Harvey the problem? …was Shane?

Harvey started to talk to her about her emotions as he spiraled.

“What are you feeling right now?” Jas turned the question back around at him, holding out the basket. 

Harvey took it, picking through it for a moment before he pulled out a drawing of a happy little girl that read ‘Grateful’. 

“I’m this one. I’m grateful to get to know you Jas.”

Jas nodded, like that was what she expected, then her head whipped towards Shane and she was marching over to him with that basket. There was no hope of escape, and she closed the distance easily.

“Your turn.” She shoved the basket into his hands, staring intently into his eyes. “What do you feel?”

Shane stared at her, then at Harvey, who was still sitting on his stool behind her. Harvey raised an eyebrow at him, and got a fierce glare in return before Shane smoothed his expression and started poking at the cards.

The drawings mocked him as his fingers brushed over their expressions. ‘Lonely’ , ‘Annoyed’ , ‘Miserable’ , ‘Hurt’ . How many different ways were there to say you felt like shit? His fingers lingered on ‘Bored’, but one glance as Jas’s intense expression had him passing over it.

He settled on a little boy wearing sunglasses, titled ‘Chill’. That seemed safe.

Jas continued to stare into his eyes for a long few moments after, even as she took the little card from him.

“Okay.” She eventually said, sounding almost disappointed in him. “Thanks.”

She walked back to Harvey, the little drawing still clutched in her hand.

They got on the topic of dreams. Harvey had asked her if her dreams ever made her feel things.

Jas fiddled with one of the emotions, but didn’t pick it up.

“Scared?” Harvey read the card. “Do your dreams ever scare you?”

“Only sometimes.” Jas said softly, picking up a card that said ‘Loved’ and hiding the ‘Scared’ card underneath. “It’s not so bad when Shane’s home.”

Shane’s heart ached sharply at that. Jas was having nightmares again? What could his presence possibly do?  He thought she’d grown out of them. Then again, he had thought he’d grown out of a lot.

There was a small lull in conversation a few minutes later.

"Have you ever had thoughts about hurting yourself or others?" The question is sudden and catches Shane off guard. He turns a glare towards the doctor, what is he trying to do? Jas wouldn’t hurt-

“I bit someone once! She deserved it.” Jas answered, unbothered. Shane’s face twitched, he’d forgotten about that. 

“Funny, but not something I’d recommend.”

“She bit a nurse.” Shane said before he could stop himself. Jas had been visiting him, and she’d gotten very mad when the nurse wasn’t listening to him. She’d decided, in all her three year old glory, to grab the crone’s arm and chomp down. It had been absolutely hilarious, Shane had laughed so hard he’d started bleeding again, but it had cut their visit short. It had been much less funny when Jas’s caseworker tried to drag the kicking and screaming girl from the room while he screamed himself hoarse to leave her alone. They’d eventually let him have her, if only because they had no other choice to calm her down. 

“She did deserve it.” He tacked on, because she had.

“Well in the future, I sure hope you at least verbally threaten the nurse before going in for a bite, Maru is very good at listening.” 

Jas appeared to think over that, but she didn’t say anything to agree or disagree. 

Shane didn’t know much about Maru. They’d interacted very little, and she seemed to make an effort to not walk near him if they passed each other. Apparently she was smart, Marnie had said something about it, not that Shane really cared.

Harvey taps his clipboard with his pen, then asks "Have you ever felt like things were so bad that you wanted to give up?"

Shane’s eyes flew open as his body went tense. An icy chill washed over him, mind roaring in its confines as he struggled to think. What the hell was this guy asking a six year old?! This was the kind of stuff they ask adults, not kids!

He sat forward with force, ready to jump to his feet. He didn’t have much of a plan beyond that, aside from probably not punching a disabled veteran in front of the kid, but he’d figure it out. He took a small amount of delight in watching Harvey jump.

“What are you trying to-“

A tiny hand smacked into the center of his face, mostly covering his nose and mouth. His eyes crossed to look at it, then followed the arm all the way to Jas.

She looked determined, little eyebrows furrowed downwards and blue eyes begging him to let her speak.

“Don’t interrupt. He asked me.” She moved her hand away from his mouth to pat his cheek, giving him a small smile before she turned her attention back to Harvey.

“I don’t give up! Even when…” She trailed off, tucking Dolly tighter against her.

“I don’t give up.” She reiterated instead, glancing at Shane. “Uncle Shane said giving up is for quitters.” 

She sounded so confident, so sure, and completely unaware of her godfather’s eyes widening in shock.

He hadn’t known she remembered that.

He’d said so many things after the accident, trying to pick up the pieces of his life with her in tow. They’d been crammed into a tiny apartment, barely anything to their name. He’d been unable to work and he already knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to school, drinking the hard stuff to cover what the pain meds barely scratched just so he could function enough to get out of bed and keep Jas alive.

“We can’t give up.” He’d told her, leaning against the fridge to keep himself standing. She was sitting on the futon with her knees to her chest and Dolly in her arms, wide eyes watching him.

He was mostly talking to himself, trying to quiet the roaring, screaming, pleading voice in his head that just wanted to curl in a ball and complete the process that fire had started, to give up and die like his body was trying so hard to do. The grief was almost thicker than the pain that was turning the world red and making every movement feel like his barely healed skin was ripping open. He was afraid of what would be left when the pain was gone, and the grief was all that he had.

“Because giving up is for quitters, Jasmine.” He rasped, fighting for the air just to speak as he took a staggering step towards the counter, maybe unsteady from the pain, and maybe from the whiskey. “And are we quitters?”

Jas blinked at him with wet little eyes, taking a shuddering breath.

“N-no.” It was the first time she’d spoken since they gave her back, and it made hope flare under the bandages on his chest. 

They’d survive this. They had no other choice.

And now, three years later, she parroted his drunken ramblings like they were fact, like they made some impact. Maybe they had. Maybe, for once in his life, he’d been useful for something.

The session ended uneventfully with another sticker that she mysteriously didn’t have anymore when they walked out the door.

Jas convinced him to watch her climb a tree in the cindersap forest since Marnie was out of the shop, and he was too exhausted to fight her.

She made it all the way to the top while he stood at the bottom, arms out and ready to catch her if she fell.

Marnie yelled at the both of them when she found them, but Jas just grinned down at her from the highest branch, and Shane didn’t have the heart to make her come down just yet.

-

“Wednesday! Wednesday! Wednesday!” 

Shane grunted, holding his coffee cup out to the side as Jas climbed into his lap, tugging on the sides of his jacket like she was trying to shake him. 

“Jas, it’s 5 in the morning, what are you doing awake?” He groaned, shifting as her bony little knees dug into him.

“My Wednesday senses were tingling! You’re going to get me again, right? Right?” Eager little dark blue eyes met his lighter blue ones as she shoved her forehead against his with a teeth clacking ‘thunk’

“Ow! Yeah- yes! That’s not how you do it!” 

“Daddy and you used to headbutt all the time!” She complained.

He grabbed the sides of her face, tapping the tops of their foreheads together. “You only put force behind it when you’re both wearing helmets!”

“Oh, okay! So can you make me breakfast?”

Shane sighed, standing up and sighing harder when she managed to cling to him like a baby koala.

“You’re getting cereal, but I can’t exactly make it with you wrapped around me, kid.”

“Put your back into it, pretty boy!”

Shane squawked, almost dropping his mug.

“Don’t- Your mother- Don’t say that!” He flushed scarlet at hearing a long dead phrase. How did Jas even remember that?

Iris, fucking Iris, she called him that constantly. That and Moonshine, never his name. She’d said the exact same phrase when he’d been play wrestling Joel on their carpet and losing badly, toddler Jas in her lap screaming in joy. He’d still lost, ended up with his chest pinned to the ground and Joel on his back apologizing in his soft deep voice even as his large hand pressed between Shane’s shoulder blades and kept him pinned.

Grey eyes. Burned skin. Screams.

He forced the memory right back in its box, detaching the child from his middle so he could throw her over his shoulder. He could make breakfast one handed for sure, as long as he used his good arm.

His shift at Joja was almost tolerable, knowing it would be over soon. Sam was still in his own world and Morris was still a dick, but it was survivable. 

Soon enough he was changing out of his uniform and walking out, taking advantage of the walk down the hill to just breathe for a moment without the pervasive smell of Jojacorp.

The kids and Penny were doing class outside today since the weather was nice, the three of them on a blanket with their books spread out around them and a bunch of plants and flowers laid out on the grass.

Jas spotted him coming, screaming his name and waving wildly until he waved back.

“Uncle Shane! We’re learning about forestables today!”

“Forageables, dear.” Penny corrected, meeting Jas’s angry pout with a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah!” Vincent yelled, looking awfully smug. “ Foragables , Jas. Obviously.”

He flinched when twin glares came from Shane and Jas, eyes going wide.

Shane saw the moment her grip tightened on the pinecone she was holding, Penny raising an arm between the children before Jas could pelt the boy with it. Jas’s nostrils flared, but it was far from the meltdown she would’ve had a year ago.

“You’re making me angry.” Jas hissed, eyes narrowed. “Stop doing that! It’s not fair I can’t hurt your body when you hurt my heart!”

“Yes, Vincent you were being rude when you said that and you know it, apologize to Jas. Jas, thank you for keeping your hands to yourself.” Penny de-escalated like she’d done it a million times, and knowing Jas, she probably had.

“Sorry, I guess.” Vincent played with the Velcro of his shoes, not meeting Jas’s eyes.

Jas huffed, dropping her pinecone and visibly shaking her head until she didn’t look so angry.

“I drew something for you and Mr. Harvey today when I finished my work.” Jas said when her voice no longer shook with anger, pulling out a red binder and opening it to pull out a drawing.

“Yes, Jas did all of her work today, she’s been doing very well in class lately.” Penny looked at him from where she sat on the blanket, looking at him like she knew something he didn’t.

“Good.” He grunted. Joel, the giant nerd he was, would have been appalled if Jas hated school.

He leaned down to look at her drawing.

“This is you!” She pointed to a chicken. Interestingly enough, it was blue. Possibly an offset of the Delaware blue hen? That was an interesting concept.

The chicken looked…very angry.

“Why’s he angry?” He poked a finger against the black crayon frowny face in the chicken’s beak, along with its bushy downturned eyebrows.

“He’s not, he just looks like that, even when he’s happy.” 

Ouch.

It had a blue can tucked under one wing, and an artistic depiction of Dolly tucked under the other.

Along the chicken’s back it was purple, like she’d drawn in red and drowned it in blue pressed so hard it was caked on. He didn’t think about that, simply because he didn’t want to.

“And this is Mister Doctor Harvey!” She said as she flipped the drawing. Shane looked at it for a moment, then his eyes went wide.

Penny gasped beside him, likely seeing the drawing the first time as well.

“Jas, honey, maybe we should-“ She started, only stopped by Shane tucking the drawing back in the binder and shutting it. 

“It’s fine. We’re going to be late.”

Jas jumped, snatching back her folder to put it in her bag and grab Dolly from the blanket.

“Bye Penny! Bye Vincent! See you tomorrow!” She yelled as she grabbed Shane’s hand and pulled him towards the bridge.

She told Shane halfway there that she should’ve gone at the library. but she really had to go potty now, so they ran the last sprint.

The lobby was empty as Shane pointed Jas towards the bathroom, once again thankful she didn’t need help anymore. He’d done his duty and changed diapers, but everyone in that house was more than ready to be rid of them. It had helped that Jas had been almost fully potty trained before she turned two, and a pro by three. After the fire she’d regressed, that had been an added stressor, but they’d survived it like they always did. 

He stood with her little purple backpack on his shoulder as he stood outside the bathroom, trying not to feel the buzzing lights in his teeth.

Dr. Harvey walked into the lobby, eyes lighting up in surprise. Shane wasn’t sure why, he was pretty sure they were on time.

“Good afternoon, Shane. How’s the nice weather treating you?” He greets, sounding so much like a doctor doing rounds to make sure Shane hasn’t jumped out the window yet that it sets Shane on edge. Yoba, he hated small talk.

Shane grunts in lieu of an answer, eyes flicking up to assess the doctor. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but Harvey looked like he always did. He was dressed nicely and was leaning on his cane, glasses perched on his nose and a kind smile on his face. He looked the same, and yet Shane was still vaguely irritated by his face.

Before he was forced to actually talk Jas whipped open the bathroom door.

“Hands.” Shane said, making her make an angry little noise and march back inside.

Harvey and Shane both avoided eye contact as the sink turned on and Jas began singing a song about ‘wash wash washing your hands’ loud enough to echo in the waiting room.

She finished and marched back over, scrubbing her clean hands on her dirt smeared overalls to dry them. Well, Shane tried. Good enough.

She was excited to see Harvey, bouncing on the heels of her feet and throwing her arms out, but sticking close enough to Shane’s side to be clear she wasn’t going for a hug.

He greeted her back with his usual mirth, making her smile. A little tendril of jealousy curled around his heart at the sight, but he ignored it. Jas was allowed to smile at people.

She turned around and tugged on his arm.

“I need my drawing back to show Mr. Harvey!” She demanded, tapping her foot impatiently as he got her bag off his shoulder and opened it, immediately snatching the folder and pulling the drawing out.

“I drew a chicken!” She held out the drawing Chicken Shane side first.

Harvey smiled at it, complimenting her, only for her to whip it around.

“I drew you as a chicken too, Harvey!” She pointed to the chicken’s leg, bent outward at a sharp angle. “It’s a cripple chicken!” 

Shane watched intently as surprised colored Harvey’s face, only to give way to the most genuine joy Shane had ever seen on the man to date. It caught him off guard. A small part of him whispered that it suited a man like Harvey, that kind of joy. 

“You can have it for your office, but you have to share it with Shane too.” Jas informed the doctor, handing him the drawing like it was an important document.

Shane only realized he was staring when Harvey’s eyes flicked to him, smile taking on a confused air as he held the drawing delicately.

Shane looked away, putting his focus into zipping Jas’s bag back up.

“Ready kiddo?”

“Hell yeah!”

Shane knew she wasn’t supposed to say that, but he just shrugged, glancing back at Harvey.

“You heard the kid, get a move on, Doc.” He smirked as the doctor’s mustache twitched.

The session went as the rest did, and after Jas made him take her to the river to look for frogs.

-

“This is getting out of hand, Shortstack.”

Shane sat up in bed, heart pounding as the world came back to life around him and the fire faded back into the air. 

“It’s like 5 in the morning!” He complained once he could read the clock in the dark room.

Jas was staring at him, already dressed for the day in purple corduroy overalls and a shirt covered in drawings of kittens. She brought her face closer, surely missing out on a career as a ghost in a horror movie, and whispered in his ear.

“Wednesday.” 

He felt a shiver go down his spine, only abading at the twitching of her mouth as she fought down a smile. Little shit.

“3.”

Jas tilted her head, confused.

“2.” 

Her eyes widened, arms pushing off the bed to give her a boost, but it was too late.

“1!” He rocketed out of bed, old bones protesting as he scooped an arm up around her middle and hoisted the loudly shrieking girl into the air.

She kicked and flailed, but it was easy to hold her. This was nothing like a true Jas fit, there was no biting and clawing, so he just held her upside down and shook her. Joel used fret when Shane did that, and when Jas begged him to, he’d do it so gently she complained.

Shane smack-talked her as he shook her, making her scream apologies in between heaving laughs.

Marnie’s door slammed open, the woman rounding the corner to stare through Shane’s open doorway.

She took in the sight of Jas upside down, a sleep ruffled Shane dressed in a long sleeve top and pajama pants shaking her like he was stealing her lunch money.

They both froze, going silent as they stared back at her. 

Marnie slowly turned and walked back to her room, hiding her smile.

Shane stared down at Jas, then crossed his eyes, making her shriek laugh again.

“Whatchu laughing at, punk?” He tossed her on the bed, a ghost of a smile slipping away when he imagined Joel warning him to be careful so vividly it made his chest tight.

Jas seemed to sense the shift in the air, tilting her head at him as she sat up.

“Go to the kitchen, I’ll be out in a minute. Gotta get ready.”

Jas nodded, slipping off the bed and heading to the kitchen.

He took a few moments to collect his thoughts as he got dressed for the day, glad he didn’t have any mirrors in his room.

He made her breakfast and left her to Marnie to march into the fires of hell, also known as work.

He picked Jas up at the normal time, getting her normal tackle greeting and trying to push him out the door. 

Penny even gave him a smile as they were leaving, weird.

Jas told him what they learned today, that Penny started to assign light work so Jas could finish it all on time on Wednesdays. She boasted that she’d passed the pop quiz yesterday, looking at him with wide expectant eyes until Shane gave her a thumbs up.

Harvey greeted them at the door, smile bright and expectant. Shane raised an eyebrow at him, he supposed Jas was as good of a reason as any to smile on a day in the middle of the week.

Jas had gotten bolder lately.

It started small, like asking Harvey what his first name was, then gasping in shock when his first name was Harvey.

“My last name is Whitmore.” He informed her patiently, chuckling when her nose wrinkled in disgust.

“Harvey is better.”

“Good thing I chose to go by Dr. Harvey then, isn’t it?” 

Jas nodded, launching into her next questions. She asked if he liked cake, if he got sick a lot, leaning against Shane when the topic of hospitals came up.

And then she met his eyes with all the confidence of a kindergartner.

“Why do you walk with a cane?”

Harvey blew out a surprised breath, eyes widening a fraction as he inclined his head.

“Good question Jas.” He said, despite looking ruffled at it.

“I used to work as a doctor in the war, and I got hurt. I was helping people, trying to keep them safe. There was an explosion nearby, and I got caught in it. My leg didn’t heal quite right, so now I walk with a cane to help me keep my balance.” Harvey rubbed his leg absently as he spoke, as if talking about the injury made it hurt. 

Shane understood that better than anyone.

He wasn’t sure how Harvey did it, but by the time they’d gotten through the coloring and the feelings chart (again), Jas had somehow talked him into playing tea party with her.

Shane braced for an awkward refusal. Instead, Harvey got right down on the rug, bum leg and all, and sat cross-legged like it didn’t kill him. He picked up one of the dolls, a blonde in a blue dress, and started speaking in a high pitched, fluttery voice about how wonderful the tea tasted.

Shane hid his snort behind the tea cup that had been shoved into his hands by an insistent Jas. The guy had guts, he’d give him that.

“I’m not doing a voice.” He looked between the brown teddy bear he had been given and a pouting Jas.

“Please?” She pulled out the eyes, all Joel at max sad kicked puppy volume. 

They didn’t work on him, even when Joel did them. They didn’t.

“Mm. Tea. Great.” He rasped in what could be considered a ‘bear voice’ “Love it. Thanks.”

Jas laughed, sitting beside Harvey and beginning to move and talk for her dolls, Dolly planted firmly in her lap.

Jas beamed as she picked up a doll with tangled brown hair and a princess dress, miming her sipping from the tea, only to explode into coughing. It was exaggerated and rough, but Harvey straightened upright just as Shane jumped up with her inhaler already out of his pocket.

“Is there honey in this tea?” She had the brown haired doll gasp, cloth hand clasped over her throat.

Shane blinked.

“Yes! I forgot about your allergy!” She squeaked dramatically in Dolly’s voice. Dolly had a slightly breathless and light voice, one he recognized even drenched with false panic. That was the way Iris talked, rambly and gaspy like she was trying to explain the whole universe before she had to breathe in again, just light enough to be youthful and raspy enough to be grown up. Jas didn’t have it down perfectly, but it was close enough for Shane to know the intent.

“Oh no, it’s too late.” Dolly said in the voice of a ghost as Jas took the brown haired doll and placed her face down on the rug.

Harvey looked startled. “What happened to her, is she sick now?”

Shane eyed the doll, then his god daughter, who looked unbothered even as Dolly’s little cloth hands were covering her button eyes.

Jas didn’t even look up. “She drank honey. She’s allergic to that.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Can our dolls give her some medicine?” Harvey didn’t sound as alarmed as Shane felt, oddly calm. 

“They don’t know how.” Jas just pretends to pour more tea into their cups with a frown on her face. It make Shane’s fingers itch for the epi-pen in Jas’s backpack, if only to remind her how it worked.

Harvey nods, “Maybe we can call a doctor, don’t you think that would be a good way to help?”

Jas just shook her head resolutely. “She’s gone now, up in the stars.”

Shane felt his body grow cold, ice for once replacing the fire that had lived in his soul for years.

That line, like the hazy voice of a doll, was achingly familiar.

 Jas shrugged one shoulder, even as her hand made Dolly’s tiny shoulders hitch in silent sobs. “It’s not that bad, she just isn’t here anymore.” 

Shane wanted to say something, but his mouth was dry and his soul was frozen.

The doll didn’t get brought back to life, it remained ‘dead’ even as Jas packed them away.

Harvey gave her a coloring book as the session wound down, the girl immediately flipping on her stomach on the ground and beginning to kick her feet as she drew, Dolly resting on her head between her two hair puffs. She’d made Shane do them that morning.

Shane remained frozen, even as she started to stack drawings on his knee. This coloring book was farm themed, and she was going out of her way to find and color every chicken drawing.

Shane stared at the ground, mind rushing by like water through his fingers as Harvey and Jas idly chatted, the doctor sending him the occasional concerned glance.

“So I’ve gotta ask… what’s your perfect day like?” Harvey asked her, pulling Shane gently from his spiraling with the warmth of his voice.

Jas didn’t even pause. “Shane makes me breakfast. I like eggs.”

He blinked, startled.

She tapped the crayon to her temple, then beamed and got back to work, adding big puffy clouds over her sketch of a chicken eating a sandwich.

Then I play with Vincent and beat him in a race because I’m faster. I get a sandwich from Miss Jodi—sun butter and jelly—and when I get home, Shane is there for dinner.”

Shane swallowed, hard.

She said it like it was obvious. Like he was always there. Like being with him made the day perfect by default.

He looked down at the bear still in his hands. It still had both its eyes and no stitching, fur stiff and clean and smelling like store instead of basement. It was newer and fresher than any of the toys he’d been able to buy for Jas in her life. It had always been others that filled her room with new things, her father with his fancy computer job and Iris making her own. Shane always had to give her thrift store finds, well loved toys that she pretended to be thrilled about. It was what he’d grown up with, after all. Even now, spending too much of his paycheck on beer, Marnie was the only one to ever buy her something new.

Shane was a failure, he always had been.

In that moment, holding the too new bear and balancing a picture of a chicken with sunglasses on his lap, Shane felt like something inside him cracked open.

She didn’t just want him there.

He was there. In her perfect day. For some god forsaken reason…he mattered.

And somehow, that scared the hell out of him.

-

Jas stretched in the fresh air as they left the clinic, the sun still high in the sky and the air hot and thick. Summer starts to creep up on them while Shane wasn’t paying attention, and it would officially start next week.

“I wanna go swimming in the river.” She announced, parking her hands on her hips.

“Jodi might take you.” Shane didn’t talk to the parents of the valley much, even Jodi. She was the only other parent of a young child, if ‘parent’ could ever be a term ascribed to him. Jodi seemed to like Jas well enough, even if she seemed bothered by some of Jas’s phrases and behaviors.

Jas spun around on the heel of her dirty sneakers, leveling him with a look that was so fiercely Iris his breath caught.

“No.” She said sternly, Dolly held to her chest by one arm as the other hand balled into a tiny fist. “I want you to take me.”

Shane’s breath caught, staring at her. This wasn’t the Jas that would shyly skulk away when he waved her off. This was confidence, determination, this was Iris demanding respect, Joel finally putting his foot down. 

In the face of that, even he couldn’t fight her. 

“Sure, kid.” He muttered, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Just don’t expect me to jump in with you.”

Chapter Text

“I know these scars will bleed

But both of our hearts believe

All of these stars will guide us home.” 

- All of the Stars, Ed Sheeran

It had been easy to fall into this routine. Harvey started waking up on Wednesdays with a smile on his face, and found himself browsing the local stores with Jas in mind. He wanted the office to feel like a safe place, somewhere to look forward to visiting. Jas had truly begun to bloom- opening up more and more every time he saw her. It was probably the most rewarding experience of his career thus far. 

He had no appointments this morning, so he spent it grocery shopping next door at Pierre’s. The fresh fruit and vegetables were pricier than Joja’s, and overripe. Harvey felt a pang of sadness thinking about Joja being able to afford cheaper prices, and to outsource for higher quality produce. He chose a bag of apples that wouldn’t last through the week, but looked considerably better than the others on display. 

As he walked through the shelves, he noticed something that he hadn’t before. There were a couple of old looking dolls- well loved, covered in a layer of dirt. One was green, and had a strange looking build. The other was just as filthy, but it was much older looking than the first. 

Harvey picked the latter up, and peeked around the corner of the shelf, holding it up to Pierre. “Where’d you get these from, Pierre?” 

Pierre shrugged, “Clint dropped them by the other day, he said he found them in the mines, if you could believe it!” He shakes his head before saying, “I swear, those teenagers must’ve grown up in those mines. The hooligans going off and drinking probably brought them in.”

Harvey laughs to himself, certain he heard Maru talking to Abigail about the mines when she came by for her check-up. Pierre probably hadn’t realized his daughter was the more adventurous hooligan compared to the other young folks in town. 

Looking down at the porcelain doll, Harvey could tell she had history to her. Her golden hair was matted, and her face was carefully painted, underneath a layer of grime. The elegant, hand sewn clothing reminded him of the handmade Dolly that Jas carried around each day. The doll had been through a lot, but she was still beautiful. Maybe in need of a bath, though. 

Harvey had spent the last few rainy days at the Saloon. He realized it was much easier to ground himself when he was around other people. Easier to fight off panic attacks with the whole town watching.

He walked to the park on nice days, and chatted with townsfolk as they scheduled appointments. He was starting to feel a sense of belonging, though he hadn’t made many real friends. 

Elliot had made a few comments about “the older bachelors of Pelican Town sticking together,” which caused Harvey to spit out his coffee in the middle of the Saloon one evening- Elliot had patted his back and laughed, and sat with him to chat. He hadn’t thought of himself as an eligible bachelor, and wasn’t sure he appreciated being called an older one. He was 32 for Yoba’s sake. 

The cane aged him. Maybe the war did that, too.

When he got back to his apartment, he put his groceries away. Well, what little he could fit in his miniature fridge and prepare in a microwave. He gently took out the doll and got to work at the sink. He used hand soap. His dish soap felt too harsh for something so delicate.

Even after a thorough wash, he frowned. It didn’t look much better than when he started, but the rich red and purple color in the dress was brighter, and the hair atop the doll’s head was actually blonde, not some weird shade of yellow-brown. She had sparkly makeup and half-lidded eyes with a sleepy glamour under all of the grime. 

She vaguely reminded him of images he’d seen of Marilyn Monroe. Her clothes were elegant, a ballroom dress with hand stitching. Harvey shook his head. Someone left this doll in the caves uptown? How did it even get there? 

Shrugging away the thought, he decided it didn’t really matter. This doll appeared when he needed it, and that’s all he needed to know. Jas was going to lose her mind over this, and he couldn’t help but smile when he sat the doll awkwardly on his dish-rack to dry. 

He got a shower, and changed into his normal work-attire. When he looked in the mirror, he decided he wanted to beat the heat, and maybe the formality, for Jas’s birthday. Maybe he wanted to feel less like a doctor, and more like a friend. Like someone who belongs.

He left his suit jacket on the hook and walked carefully down the steps to the clinic, cane in front of him to keep balance. 

. . . 

This was their sixth therapy session, so Harvey didn’t find it at all strange that Jas sprinted into the clinic before Shane and ran to the bathroom screaming a hello before throwing the door shut. 

Shane enters shortly after, and likely seeing the laugh threatening to break from Harvey, comments, “She really had to pee.”

Harvey nods, laughing. A light, carefree thing, but he truly did feel joy whenever Jas was around. She had been through so much, but she was still the firecracker she referred to herself as. It was refreshing to spend time with her, and to see how fiercely she loved those around her. Shane, in particular. 

He couldn’t help but wonder what Shane was really like, under all of… that. Being so closed off to anyone but Jas, to be completely unwilling to have a conversation with the man that had been meeting with his daughter on a weekly basis to help her through the trauma they both experienced. 

As he pretended to be busy with paperwork, he looked up at the man and wondered what it sounded like when he laughed. A real laugh, not the stifled snort he let out when Jas said something inappropriate. He held such a heavy frown, even just standing here in the waiting room. 

He pushed the thought from his mind when Jas came out of the bathroom and retrieved her Dolly from Shane’s arms. 

“Ready!” She said, in her little sing-song voice, letting herself into Harvey’s office and sitting at the little table expectantly. 

She had taken to opening the coloring books and finding the last page, preferring to draw on the blank canvas. 

Harvey had noticed this, and as he sits down, he reaches over to the side of his desk where his printer sat. Retrieving a small stack of paper, he plops it on the table in front of Jas. “That better?”

Jas grins up at him in thanks as she gets to work, drawing the usual. Chickens. Sometimes it was him as a chicken, or Shane as a chicken, or the three of them as chickens. If it was Harvey as a chicken, the right leg was always broken. Shane’s chicken always frowned. Jas’s chicken was a brilliant purple color, with her Dolly tucked under her wing. 

When she’s finished her first drawing and they’re done catching up, Harvey pulls back out the emotions chart they made in an earlier session. They’d been pulling out the emotions they felt the most each week and discussing. 

When Jas takes out her go-to emotions, Happy, Excited, Mad, Harvey prepares himself for the usual- She usually went on a rant about Vincent taking her toys or not understanding the game they were playing. Today, she also looked through the emotions she hadn’t used before. When she lingers over one titled Tired, with a sleepy looking child on it, Harvey is interested.

“Have you been having trouble sleeping lately, Jas?” He asks, watching her pick up the card.

“I mean, sometimes.” Jas shrugged one shoulder as she fiddled with the corners of the emotion card she was holding. “I sleep better when Shane’s home, but sometimes I wake up and can’t sleep again.”

Harvey nods in understanding. “Sometimes when something is upsetting us, it can bother us even when we’re trying to sleep. Is there something specific that wakes you up?” He picks up the chart and hangs it back over the toy bin so that Jas can keep drawing. She always spoke more when she was busy.

Jas squinted at the paper as she began to sketch in black crayon, pressing hard enough that the lines were thick and dark.

“I don’t usually wake up when the fire starts, only when my breath runs out.” She says quietly, eyes focused on the page in front of her.

Harvey takes that in and nods, thinking carefully about his response here. His heart aches for Jas, as his eyes flick over to Shane for a moment. 

The horror painted across Shane’s face is evident as he looks down at little Jas, drawing her picture. The blood is drained from his face, his mouth slightly open in shock of what was being said. 

Is he going to be sick? Should I let him know he can step out? This wasn’t something they covered in any of my college courses- The guardian reliving the trauma being shared by the child in therapy.

Jas continues as she switches to a blue crayon, filling in the lines she’s roughly sketched.

“When Miss Penny was talking about fire safety, she said the fires too hot to touch. She didn’t talk ‘bout the air. How the air gets real hot and black and it makes your eyes and nose cry, and makes everything hurt.” She switched to an orange crayon. “The fire didn’t hurt me, Shane kept it from getting to me, but it ate up the whole house and burned them right up.”

Harvey looked down at her drawing, which was starting to look alarmingly like a house. As she grabbed the orange crayon, he realized what she was drawing.

The fire.

“What part usually wakes you up, Jas?” Harvey prods, watching the harsh orange lines appear on the paper before him.                                                                               

“Shane puts me down, and then he goes to get mommy and daddy, then —Boom!” Her orange crayon cracked in half between her fingers as she jammed it down. She frowned at it. “The fire goes whoosh and the windows all break, and Shane falls down. Usually I wake up then, but sometimes I watch the house burn up into stardust before I run out of air.”

Harvey can see Shane flinch at her exclamation, and looks over at him. His hands dig into the arms of the chair, and he looks away. The rise and fall of his chest is erratic, and despite turning away, Harvey can see the tears springing into his eyes. 

I don’t want to stop her during this breakthrough, but Shane is going to break. 

“Thank you for sharing that with me, Jas.” He says, giving her a small, gentle smile. “You said the house turned into stardust, can you tell me more about that?”

“Stardust! Did you know my momma was made of stardust?” 

Shane flinches hard at that, eyes going wide with barely concealed panic. Something Harvey recognizes. Like a reflection.

“When I was little she used to tell me we are all made up of stars and space dust, and when we’re all done, we go back to the stars. So when the fire burned up her and daddy, the smoke carried them up up up, all the way into the stars.” She surrounded the harsh orange flames with yellow. “She likes it up there, I think.”

“That is a very beautiful thing to say, Jas.” 

Harvey looks over at Shane and gently says, “Though, I have an idea to help with the bad dreams. Shane?” Despite his attempt at gently getting his attention, Shane practically jumps out of his skin. “I have a green container underneath the reception desk, if you’ll go grab it for us?”

I’m giving you an out here, buddy. He gives him a knowing look, hoping he gets the idea. Take a breather. 

“Oh, uh-“ Shane’s eyes flick back to Jas, nervousness clear before something seems to win out and he shakily stands. “Okay, sure. Jas, I’ll be right back.” 

Shane keeps glancing behind him as Jas continues to draw, but after glancing at the paper he retreats and shuts the door behind him.

Harvey waits a few moments in silence as the sound of the crayon scratching on paper fills the room. 

“You said a very beautiful thing, about your mommy joining the stars.” Harvey says, “But even when we have a great loss like this and see the beautiful parts, it can still make us sad or scared or even mad.” He pauses for a moment before asking, “Talking about those parts can help us to work through them. Can you tell me about the scary part of your mommy joining the stars?”

Jas’s eyebrows drew down in a furrow as she switched to a red crayon, rolling it between her fingers for a moment before pressing the tip to the paper.

“The scary part? When the fire burned up Shane, it hurt him. I think of mommy and daddy burning that way and it makes my heart hurt.” She pressed down hard again, face twisting at the crayon let out a crack, splintering beneath the paper covering. “Does it hurt to become stardust? Is it going to hurt when the fire takes me too?”

“Why do you think the fire is going to take you too, Jas?” He asks, tilting his head. 

Jas presses harder on the broken crayon, eyes focused, yet hazy. “Because in my dreams, I know it was supposed to. Shane said it was supposed to take him, so it was supposed to take me too.”

“When did Shane say that?” He wonders for a moment when Shane was going to return. He gave him the break he definitely needed, but wondered if the man was going to run. 

Harvey would want to run.

“After the fire… when the mean people gave me back and we lived in a small place, Shane was hurt real bad. He talked a lot when he drank- but it was just so he could get better! Because if he didn't, he couldn’t get up, and I was too little to do anything.”

“Jas, sometimes after something really scary happens to us, we say things- Angry things, or scared things. Things that we wouldn’t say or feel when we start to feel better again.” He taps the table to catch her eye, and she looks up at him. 

“We can’t control who lives or who dies when something like this happens, and it’s not about who was supposed to get out. You lived and Shane lived because Shane got you out, and because you’re both meant to be here. Okay?”

Jas nodded, but she still looked confused.

“So the fire won’t burn me up?”

Harvey shakes his head. “No, Jas. It’s not going to burn you up. You’re safe.”

“Does Shane know that?”

“I think he does know that, but it was scary for him too, you know?”

Jas nods at that, switching to a blue crayon to start coloring the sky.

“I know. He thinks I don’t know how scared it made him, but he used to have bad dreams too.”

“We all have bad dreams sometimes.” Harvey says sadly, looking over at the door. The box he asked Shane to grab was sitting right in reception, he couldn’t be looking for it still. 

“I miss it, I think. Is that bad of me? When he had bad dreams he’d hold me all night. Or I’d wake up in his arms again, and he’d tell me the good stories. Marnie doesn’t let me sleep in his bed anymore, so I don’t get to be snuggled at night.”

“Nothing we feel about things like this is wrong or bad, Jas.” He chews on the thought for a moment. “You miss the sweet snuggles and the stories, not that he had bad dreams. It makes sense to miss those things.” 

He stands up then, and says, “I’m going to go help your uncle find that box, it’ll be a good surprise, just what you need!” He smiles and makes his way over to the door, cane holding him steady. 

He sees Jas nod before she goes back to drawing as he opens the door and steps out, closing it behind him. 

The hallway into reception is eerily quiet, and that’s why Harvey notices Shane’s breathing before even laying eyes on him. He quickened his pace, opening the door to reception at the end of the hall. 

Shane was steadying himself on the counter, hands in front of him and face tucked towards his chest. His quick and ragged breaths echoed in the clinic, his face pale and drenched with sweat, eyes wrenched shut. 

“Shane-” Harvey calls, walking towards him. No reaction. 

He shook as if tremors went through his body, fighting whatever was going on inside. 

“Shane,” Harvey said, trying to walk closer, announcing himself. He put his palm on the counter beside Shane’s, trying to get him to see him. His eyes stayed shut, his breathing getting worse. 

That’s when Harvey made the mistake of gently touching his forearm.

Shane lurches backwards, knocking files off of the counter, stumbling backwards into Harvey’s chair, knocking it sideways onto the floor. He recoils so violently, Harvey worries that he touched a fresh injury. 

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He hisses, arm pulled protectively against him. 

Harvey starts to apologize, holding his hand up, clutching his cane with the other. 

When Shane takes a step towards him, Harvey can’t help but shrink under his words. He squared his shoulders like he was preparing for a fight.“Why the hell would you think you could touch me?!”

Harvey quietly says, “I was just checking to see if you were okay-”

Shane cuts him off. “You’re Jas’s doctor, not mine. Focus on her. We aren’t friends and you don’t have the right to be concerned.” His glare is fierce, even as his eyes are glazed with panic.

Harvey says nothing, just lets his hand fall to his side. 

“Like you’d fucking understand anyways. Like you’ve ever experienced what we went through.” He glances down at Harvey’s leg, and something indiscernible flickers across his face. He shakes his head, “Fuck off.”

Harvey feels vulnerable when Shane looks down at his leg- of course he doesn’t know how he got the injury, but one could infer. Unfortunately for Harvey, he didn’t have the luxury to be too concerned about his own injuries in the grand scheme of things. 

Harvey takes a deep breath, and decides not to address what was just said to him. He doesn’t look back at Shane when he tells him, “I’ll wrap things up with Jas and send her out to you.”

. . .

Harvey normally doesn’t drink when he’s having a rough day. It’s not entirely healthy to comfort yourself with a bottle of wine, but he’s found that in some cases, it’s warranted. He left his cane by the door as he slowly walked, a little crooked, over to the radio he normally used to listen to pilots overhead. He could make do without his cane, but he was able to walk with good posture, with more grace with the cane.

The radio was perfect for playing old burnt CDs from college. He threw in one that said, ‘Oldies but Goodies’ and slowly made his way to the kitchen, careful not to put too much weight on his bad leg. 

He can’t help but smile a little when “Road to Nowhere” by Ozzy Osbourne plays softly behind him. Music always made him feel better.

As he pulls a chilled bottle from his fridge, his eye catches on the doll in his dish strainer, now dried off from being washed this morning. He’d forgotten to give it to her. 

Would Shane cancel her appointments after this? Would he get a chance to keep helping Jas if he fucked things up with her guardian? She made so much progress in just a few weeks. He looks at the calendar on the wall near the radio. 6 weeks. 

As he pours the glass of wine, swirling it and looking out his window, he scoffs. It’s not even 4PM yet, and he was drinking alone at his kitchen counter. 

Not something that a perfectly untraumatized person would do. Someone who could never understand what Shane had been through. 

Just as he sits on the couch and finishes the glass of wine, he pours another. 

In the quiet apartment, he focuses on the hum of the radio and closes his eyes. He takes a large sip of wine, not taking the time to savor the flavor like he normally did.

When the phone rings, he practically spits out the mouthful of wine. 

He didn’t get many calls, and none after hours. He reached over to the end table and picked up the phone, Hello?

Dr. Harvey! Marnie’s voice sang from the other end of the line. It’s so lovely to hear your voice. 

Hi Marnie, Harvey says, scratching his head. Was she calling about the incident with Shane? It must’ve only been twenty minutes ago, he certainly hadn’t told her already. What can I do for you?

Well, I just wanted to reach out and thank you for everything you’ve done for Jas. She’s doing so much better lately, she’s much more talkative, and spirited. Not to mention Shane. 

Oh?

I swear I actually saw him smile this morning, if you could believe. I think it’s all because of your great work with Jas, truly.

That’s really kind of you to say, Marnie. 

I also wanted to ask you a question. Marnie said, trailing off a bit. I wanted to invite you over for dinner for Jas’s birthday. She’s really taken a liking to you and I know it would mean the world to her.

Harvey glanced over his shoulder at the doll in his dish strainer. I did have a gift for her that I forgot to give her today. 

Amazing! Marnie says, Stop by the ranch tomorrow at 5, and we’ll have dinner and cake to celebrate. 

Sounds great, Marnie. Harvey says, but what he’s really thinking is somewhere along the lines of: 

Harvey, you’re a moron. This guy just told you to fuck off and looked like he was ready to knock you out, and you’re going to stop by for cake? You hate cake!

Instead he decides to ask, Should I bring anything?

. . . 

Harvey woke up later that night with a start. Echoes of mud and blood flickered behind his eyes as he sat up and squinted at his alarm clock beside the bed. 

03:38

Might as well get up, at that point. Back in Gotoro, he’d wake up even earlier. Think of it like sleeping in. 

Taking a cold shower and popping one of his anxiety meds usually helped take his mind off of things after the past threatened to come back to him in his sleep. He didn’t like how they made him feel, so they were an as-needed and self-prescribed medication he generally avoided using if possible. 

Frankly, the hard start, the way Jas’s appointment went yesterday, and thinking of stopping by Marnie’s for dinner was enough to suffocate under. 

He’d need to be a little numb to start his day. 

Chapter Text

“ After the fire, the fire still burns,

The heart grows older but never ever learns

The memories smolder and the soul always yearns

After the fire, the fire still burns ”

After The Fire, Roger Daltrey

What the fuck was that?

The door to Harvey’s office closed behind him as he stepped into the hallway, the click loud in the silent clinic. His footsteps were unsteady as he made his way through the long, brightly lit hallways.

He remembered screaming. Who had been screaming? It was him. He was screaming for Joel and Iris, for Jas, asking where they were even as his skin sizzled and blood dripped onto the white tile floors.

He staggered into the wall, blunt fingernails clawing at the paint as he tried not to fall.

Bright lights passing overhead. Nurses screaming. People touching him. Asking him questions. Not giving him answers.

He made it to the reception area door, forcing it open and leaving it ajar as he sagged against the counter. He braced himself on his arms, sucking in ragged, burning breaths that still felt like no air was coming in. 

The memories of the fire and the memories of the hospital after were blending together. White fluorescents bleeding into flickering flames. Joel’s steady voice warping into the doctors yelling over him. The doctor’s voice sounded like Harvey’s, Iris’s sounding like Jas. A blur of sound and sensation, of burning flesh and screams. Screams of doctors, screams of friends. The fire. The hospital. 

Stardust? Fucking stardust?

Iris loved to talk about stardust, how all humans were made up of the hearts of dead stars, and how she, most of all, was stardust and dreams. She’d press her face against his, hazy from a high and lips brushing his ear as she told him that she was just pretending to be human, but for them? For Shane and Joel? She didn’t have to.

And Jas- 

He sucked in another burning breath, choking on it as his brain told him the air was scorching hot and burning him up from the inside out. 

His skin felt tight. Burning and tingling, pulling taut with every moment like it would split open at any second and send him back to square one.

The fire hadn’t turned them into fucking stardust! It turned them to ash, to bones, to hazy fucking memories that made him sick no matter how happy they used to be. 

Iris hadn’t been scared to die, but she’d been terrified to die alone. She’d made them promise, all three drunk on shitty spirits and leaning against each other as she held all their hands together in a messy pile, that they’d all die together. All at once, old and wrinkled and still hot as fuck, flipping off the world and going out in style.

Shane had broken his promise. He’d survived when they didn’t, and he was doing a bad job of keeping their daughter alive.

She was still having fucking nightmares?

How the fuck didn’t he put those pieces together? The bags under her eyes some mornings. The crawling into his fucking bed! Of course her trauma wasn’t resolved just because she didn’t scream anytime an adult that wasn’t him tried to talk to her anymore. 

And as always, he’d been too in his head.

Iris’s black eyes, black like the night sky and smoke and death, looked into his as her burning fingers cradled his face. Joel, burned and almost unrecognizable if not for the blue eyes he’d never forget, even as they started to turn grey with death.

He didn’t look like she was supposed to, bright and beautiful with the sun haloing him and a crooked grin. He looked like a photograph on a hospital table, like a corpse. And Iris- oh god, Iris. She wasn’t stardust and dreams, she was ash and viscera. She was gone, she’d burned up.

He’d burned too. He knew they died in agony.

His lungs burned, throat feeling like he’d swallowed glass as he choked on another breath. He could taste the ash in the air, the acrid smell of burning plastic and meat filling his mouth. He’d smelled it no matter how many times they changed his bandages or washed him down despite his threats, no matter how much he’d scrubbed his own skin once he was free. The smell was on him. In him. Scorched into his muscles and bones. He wasn’t made of stardust, he was made of ashes and death.

He wanted to claw the skin off his bones until he couldn’t smell it anymore, to retreat into himself until he couldn’t see the flames around him, closing in and licking at his skin.

Joel was trying to talk to him, smoke coming out of his mouth instead of words. Shane just squeezed his eyes closed tighter, fingers numb from where they gripped the counter. 

His arm flared with pain, like a hot iron had pressed to the tender skin and torn right through it. His whole body lurched as his eyes flared open and he snatched his arm away, screaming before he could even think.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” 

It’s Harvey. 

The doctor has wide, concerned eyes as he steps back and holds a hand up placatingly. 

Shane straightens his shoulders and takes a step forward, fists clenched and shaking. He didn’t know what his plan was. He couldn’t punch Jas’s doctor, but if the man tried to touch him again especially there he wouldn’t be able to stop himself. 

The man shrank back at his approach, somehow making Shane angrier. Of course he’d run from a fight. 

“Why the hell would you think you could touch me?!” He hadn’t let anyone but Jas touch him in a long time. Of course a doctor wouldn’t care what he wanted. They never had before.

“I was just checking to see if you were okay-” The Doctor’s voice is quiet, but he cuts it off.

“You’re Jas’s doctor, not mine. Focus on her. We aren’t friends and you don’t have the right to be concerned.” The words taste like fire. Like ash. Like rage.

“Like you’d fucking understand anyways. Like you’ve ever experienced what we went through.” No one ever understood. None of the doctors had, not the case worker or the fosters. 

His eyes flick down. The doctor’s leg is covered by his pants, but he still sees the way Harvey is leaning heavily on his cane.

War vet. Maybe he had-

That managed to piss Shane off even more .

 “Fuck off.”

The doctor looks away from him, jaw set as he takes a breath. 

 “I’ll wrap things up with Jas and send her out to you.”

He leaves Shane alone in that maddening room of fluorescent lights and sharp smells, and even after chasing him off, even though he’s a doctor, a small voice in Shane’s head begs him not to leave.

He focuses on breathing until Jas’s little puffs come through the door, hair bouncing with each step as she looks curiously up at him.

“Couldn’t find the box. Doesn’t fucking matter. C’mon, let’s go home.” He doesn’t touch her. Maybe because he doesn’t want to burn her with the fire under his skin, maybe because he remembers grabbing her too hard when he was fucked up after being discharged, maybe because the feeling of his skin would be too much. So he avoids the little hand held out to him and grabs the back of her overalls, letting her lead the way home.

He doesn’t even care that she stops to look at every flower blooming or say hi to everyone one they pass. By the time they get him, he can almost breathe again.

“Come help me pick a dress for my birthday tomorrow.” Jas looks up at him with her dark blue eyes, wide and hopeful. He feels like shit turning her down, but he does it anyway.

“I’m not good at that, ask Marnie.”

Her birthday. Fuck, that really was tomorrow wasn’t it?

Damn, he really needed a drink.

Jas looked at him, mouth open like she wanted to snap and demand like she’d taken to doing any time he shut her down, but she stopped as she took the sight of him in.

“…okay. But I’m showing you later, you don’t have a choice.”

“Sure thing.” He could live with that.

Jas hugged her doll tighter and went to hug him, but stopped herself when he flinched. She just gave him a forced smile and went to her room, likely remembering all the times after the fire she hadn’t been allowed to touch him. 

He walks inside the ranch. It still doesn’t feel like home even after three years, and the warm lighting and wooden floors will never feel like painted stars and linoleum. The scent of hay and animals helped ground him a bit, familiar despite not being what he wanted.

Marnie is at the counter when he goes inside, like she always is. The town does get visitors on occasion, but Marnie makes most of her business at livestock auctions the county over and selling animal products to Pierre. She’s usually running around the ranch and taking care of work, but he doesn’t know why she ever mans the counter at all. 

She looked at his face longer than he liked as Jas ran in ahead of him and into her room.

“Not hanging out with her today?” She didn’t sound angry at him, but there was disappointment clear in her voice. Boy did people love being disappointed in him. 

“No.” 

“Her birthday is tomorrow, you know.” She said it like she was testing him, and it instantly put his back up.

“Of course I know!” He snapped at her, voice low and angry as he glanced at Jas’s open door. 

Marnie sighed, wiping her hands on her jeans. 

“I’ve been talking to Gus about maybe making a cake for her. I need you to go and order it, since you’re heading that way anyway. You can pick it up after work tomorrow.”

Way to clock me, Marnie.

“Yeah- fucking, sure.” Shane was apparently her errand boy lately.

(As if Jas wasn’t his responsibility, and she wasn’t just forcing him to care for her)

He told his thoughts to shut up and headed right back out the door.

It was almost six, but the sun was still up and bright. Sundown came late in the summer, but he always headed home in the dark anyway, so what did it matter?

The saloon greeted him like it always did. The building was old, but deeply loved. The wooden floors had been swept and mopped daily, only to be re-scuffed by boots tracking dirt in from the unpaved paths. The place was well lit by wall sconces and a chandelier in the center of the room, a bubble away from the world.

The place wasn’t packed, it never was outside of festivals, but it still felt alive. There was life baked into the bones here, and it almost felt safe sometimes. It was pretty dead on Wednesdays, Fridays were it's big days, but there were a few regulars.

Pam, as always, was at the counter. As long as she was around Shane wouldn’t technically be the town drunk, so he’d take what he could get. 

Clint was also in his usual spot, sipping a drink and glancing nervously at the counter every few minutes. Shane didn’t like the guy, but he didn’t hate him either. Iris would have said he had lonely eyes.

Shane took a breath of the familiar smell of beer and fresh food, and something in his chest eased just a little.

Gus looked up from where he was cleaning a glass as the bell above the door dinged. He took in the sight of Shane, from his haunted eyes to the determined set of his mouth, and gently ran the cloth over the glass once again.

“Hope you’re here to order that cake, son. I’m not serving you tonight, not with your kid’s birthday tomorrow.”

“Gus, it’s been a fucking day-“

“Tell me about it, then.” Gus turned to grab something from the fridge against the back wall, sliding a cold cola across the counter. Not Joja cola thankfully, but a lesser known brand. “Without alcohol.”

Shane glared, but Gus didn’t even blink as the man slumped into a stool and roughly grabbed the red can from him.

“So about the cake.” Shane started, because that was a safe topic. “Jas likes your pink cake. Melon is fine for the top, even though she preferred kajiuro candy when she was little.”

Gus’s eyebrows went up until they were hidden under his hair.

“Fire fruit candy?”

Shane met his eyes, refusing to blink.

“Yeah.” Nobody was brave enough to ask him about it, but it wasn’t a big secret in the town that Jas wasn’t fully Ferngill. 

Gus rubbed his mustache thoughtfully, humming.

“If you would have given me more notice, I might have found a way. As is, melon balls will have to do.”

Shane snorted at that.

“And how would you get around the trade ban?”

Gus grinned at him, sharp and knowing.

“Don’t underestimate a cook’s ability to find ingredients.” He wrote down the information about the cake, letting Shane nurse his cola and glare at the wall.

“Hey Shane! You look like shit.” Emily appeared before him, blue hair meticulously styled to look messy as she wiped down the counter. 

“Thanks Em.” Shane grumbled, glared at his cola. “Help a guy out?”

“No dice. Even if Gus hadn’t ordered me, I wouldn’t serve you tonight. Can’t have you hungover for Jas’s birthday!” Emily smiled at him, soft and a little crazy, and another part of his soul eased a little more despite the flash of anger.

It faded fast into plain old disappointment, leaving him to sigh.

“That’s a heck of a sigh, honey. What’s up?” She knew better than to touch his arm, but she gave the counter in front of him two little taps to draw his attention up to her.

“You supposed to be chatting me up instead of working?” He asked dryly, making her laugh.

She laughed with her whole body, shoulders shaking and hair bouncing. In another life, as another person, he may have been drawn to her.

Emily had been too much like a ghost when they’d first met. She’d told him about his energy, that he seemed like he’d faced great sorrow, but that the stars would shine on him again. He’d snapped at her to never say that shit to him again, and somehow that was where their friendship, or whatever it was, started. 

He’d come in grumpy after work and she’d serve him, and they’d talk. She knew just enough, but not too much, and she felt safe to talk to. 

Sometimes she talked about the universe and energies, or sewing her own clothes, and Shane’s soul ached , but then she’d ramble about crystals and it would almost go away. She was too much like Iris sometimes, with her love of dance and belief in destiny, but she was her own person, and just different enough that he could talk to her without getting sick.

“You’re a customer, Sid.” She winked at him, using her favorite nickname. “I’m just doing my job.”

She looked proud when he cracked a smile, planting her hands on the counter and leaning towards him.

“So, what’s going on?”

Emily knew vaguely about his past, that Jas’s parents had passed away and that’s why they moved. She didn’t know about the fire, but when he was buzzed enough he’d tell her stories. Despite the overwhelming grief, Shane still couldn’t help but talk about how amazing Joel and Iris had been.

He probably could tell her about today, that Jas’s appointment went awry, that she remembered the fire and it was plaguing him, but instead he pivoted.

“It’s Jas’s birthday.” It wasn’t a lie, that was part of it. 

Emily frowned sympathetically at him.

“Because she’s getting older, or because they’re not here to celebrate?”’

Shane flinched, making Emily wince back at him. 

“Both? I just…” He groaned, rubbing a hand down his face.

Gus glanced over at the both of them and sighed. 

“Emily, take your break. Go talk with your boy, it’s dead tonight so I’ve got it handled. Just take back over by 10 so I can get started on Jas’s cake.”

“Thanks Gus!” Emily pulled off her apron and hung it on a hook behind the counter, running around the bar to grab Shane around the wrist. He grunted, but didn’t resist as she dragged him towards the couch in the lounge.

He felt eyes burning into him as he got pushed into the cushions by his shoulders, Emily perching on the opposite armrest.

“Okay, let’s work through this.”

Shane groaned harder.

“You sure I can’t have that drink?”

“It’s not healthy to only talk about your feelings when you’re drinking, Shane.”

Shane rolled his eyes at that. They’d become closer lately, but she’d clearly gotten far too comfortable.

“Doesn’t matter anyways. It’s just a birthday.”

“Shane.” Too serious. Too real.

“No Obsidian?” He joked weakly, avoiding her piercing eyes.

“Not right now. Come on, you can lie to everyone in this town, you don’t have to lie to me.”

But he did . Because talking about it made the memories worse, because if she knew everything she would leave too, because nobody stuck around for Shane Callahan. Even the people that loved him, even the people that wanted to stay.

Emily glanced at the counter before putting her shoes on the couch and sliding one sneaker over to tap against his knee so gently the fabric barely creased.

“Shane.”

God, Iris would have loved her.

“Jas is turning seven.” He says instead, fingers gripping the worn fabric of his pants. “That means it’s been four years.”

“Since the accident?” Shane flinched and Emily noticed. That was all she knew it as, the ‘accident’. 

“She was three when it happened…” A rock sank in his gut as horror washed over him, something clicking into place. “She knew them for less than half her life. They- I’m not-“ He pressed the heels of his palms to his forehead. “I’m not the one who should be here for this.”

“Shane, I’m not a therapist. I’m not trained to help or tell you the right things, but I am your friend, and I do believe in fate-“

“Fate?!” Shane spits, his anger flaring than fizzling just as fast when Emily startles. “How could you call what happened fate, like they were always gonna die!”

“It’s fate that Jas isn’t alone, that you’re there for her.” Emily was still looking at him with soft eyes, unbothered as Clint and Gus glanced over because of the commotion.

Shane scoffed.

“Yeah, lucky her.”

“I’m serious, Sid. You love her so much, I don’t see Jas often but I know she’s doing good in school now, and that she loves chickens, and to dance. She might not have them, but she has you, and she wants you.”

“That’s the problem. She’s not supposed to want me. She’s supposed to want them.” 

Jas’s third birthday was two months before the fire.

Iris had insisted on a theme, and she and Jas had many conversations in Jas’s developing toddler speak about what she wanted for her party. She’d decided on a theme of fairy roses, and Iris had painted dozens on cardboard that he and Joel spent hours carefully cutting out so they could turn the kitchen into a garden.

Kids in Jas’s daycare had been invited, but nobody had come. Parents didn’t want their kid hanging out with a Toro, after all. 

Jas didn’t even notice. She didn’t ask about the other kids at school. She’d woken up and asked for pancakes, excitedly crawled into his arms while Joel made them and rubbed her face against his. She’d screamed when Iris had snatched her from his lap, spinning her around the room by her arms and singing loudly.

She’d worn her favorite dress. It wasn’t a princess dress or a cheap costume, but a hand sewn dress in the style of her mother’s homeland. She’d had so many Iris had put hours upon hours into making, asking other aunties to help with what she’d never been taught by her own mother. Her favorite was her one for the Festival of Falling Stars, a blue ankle length dress covered in stars and bells. 

(She’d be too big for it now, but Shane still wished he had it.)

That day she wore a white silk top and a purple skirt covered in hand sewn flowers. Her mother had made it specifically for her birthday, and it was her first gift of the day. She’d pulled it on immediately and had twirled, making her own dance out of all the different ones she’d been taught, marching to the beat of her own drum.

Shane hadn’t known what to give her. They’d all gotten her little things throughout the month, Iris had made the dress and Joel had gotten her a few toys she’d like, but Shane had been lost. Jas was his best friend, but it wasn’t like he could bottle happiness for her, even though he would in a heartbeat.

Joel and Iris had promised him that him just being there was enough, and somehow, it was.

She’d blown out the candles on a cake with illegal ingredients and had insisted her dad feed her so she didn’t make a mess on her new dress, despite being at the height of the ‘I do it myself!’ stage.

And then…

Her fourth birthday was in Pelican Town. Neither of them would talk to anyone but each other yet, and he hadn’t been able to afford a single thing worthwhile. He got her a toy from a thrift store in the next county, it was worn and well loved, but she’d taken it and held it to her chest anyway.

She cracked the barest smile that day, her hand never leaving where it was clutching his shirt.

There were no pancakes. No music. No dresses or roses or happiness. No Joel. No Iris. 

Just Shane and Jas against the fucking world, trying to be humans again.

Her fifth had been better, Marnie had taken the lead and Jas had Vincent over. Her sixth was even more so, but every time she smiled Shane would just feel sad that they weren’t here to see it. He wasn’t supposed to be the only one witnessing this.

“I just don’t get it. I don’t get why she acts like I’m enough.” He whispered, overrun by memories. Emily heard him all the same, having migrated across the couch. There was still a few inches of space between them, but he could feel her warmth. It almost helped.

“Shane, you are enough.” She said it like it was the truth, but he didn’t dare believe her. “It’s okay if you don’t feel like enough for her yet. But she’s telling you, every day, that you are.”

This was too real, too close. Too much.

“I yelled at that doctor today.”

Emily’s head tilted at the pivot, but she took the bait.

“Harvey? Why?” 

“Touched me, didn’t like it.” He didn’t mention that Jas remembered the fire and talked about it, or that he’d had a panic attack. That Harvey probably wasn’t actually to blame in this situation.

“Need me to kick his ass? I’ll do it!” 

Shane was caught off guard by his own laugh, the sound escaping him before he could stop it. He gave her an incredulous look.

“You’re going to beat up a doctor, a disabled war veteran, because he touched me?”

Emily nodded sagely, face faux stern. 

“With pleasure, nobody touches my Pookie without asking!”

Shane shoved her, hand pressed to the side of her face as he gave her a gentle shove away. She yelped loudly, limbs flailing as she fell back with way more dramatics than were required.

“Pookie, really?” Of all her horrible nicknames, he fucking detested that one.

Emily grinned at him, a familiar kind of crazy.

“Is everything alright over here?”

They both looked up at the person who had approached the couch and was casting a shadow over the couch. 

Clint stood there, looking nervously between Emily and Shane. Emily was still sprawled out on the couch, one leg over Shane’s and the other off the couch while one wrist was pressed dramatically to her forehead.

Shane raised his eyebrows at him, watching his eyes widen for some reason. 

Emily grinned and pushed herself up, standing and offering a hand to Shane.

“We’re okay, Clint! Right Sid?”

Shane nodded, slowly taking her hand and pretending to let her help pull him to a stand. Clint backed up a few steps once Shane was on his feet. The guy was taller and far broader, but he hunched in on himself a lot. Like Joel before he learned what having a backbone was like.

“Anyways, I should get back to work! Sid, hang around until 11:30 and we can walk home together. I need more details.” She gave him a wink and a smile before spinning on her heel and marching away.

Both men watched her go, then stared at each other. Shane waited for Clint to say something, or anything, but the man just stared.

“Oookay… I’m going to get dinner.” He walked past the guy, more focused on if Gus had pizza tonight over whatever that was.

Gus let Emily go home early once the cake was done, saying he’d close up alone so they could both get home before it got too late. She’d thanked him and had dragged Shane out, immediately hounding him for details. 

He didn’t give her much, making her pout the entire walk to her house. She still offered to beat up Harvey if Shane asked, to which he insisted he could beat up his own doctors. 

“I might sew something small for Jas, like a cross stitch. I’ve been working on some in my downtime!” Emily loved to sew, he’d known that for a while.

Iris had too. She had hand stitched Dolly when Jas was a few months old, using old traditional stitching that looked very intricate to Shane. It was meant to be Jas, but somewhere along the way it had become an Iris doll instead. They did look identical, after all. Iris had always planned to make more.

“If I found a book on sewing methods for, like, another region, could you copy that style?” He found himself asking as they lingered outside Emily’s door.

Emily hummed, rubbing her chin.

“Maybe! I’m pretty good at adapting. Why?”

“I just had a thought. Let me see if I can find a book about it first.” He doubted he would be able to find a book about it, especially these days, but he had a year to try. Maybe for once he could get her something she’d like.

Jas was still somewhat awake when he got home, sitting on Marnie’s counter as her head repeatedly bowed and snapped back up. She didn’t even notice the door opening softly, chin pressed to her chest and eyes closed.

Her head snapped up again, and this time when she opened her eyes, Shane was there.

“Shane!” She jumped off the counter to run up and hug him, burying her face in his stomach. She was taller than last year, how did he keep noticing too late how much she grew?

“Hey Jazzy.” He rubbed her head between the puff balls. He wished he remembered the intricate braids Iris used to do, Jas had loved those. Not the sitting still for the hours it took, but for the finished product she could show off and feel pretty. “Marnie didn’t take your hair down?”

“I told her not to! I want you to see the dresses so you can help make sure it looks good with them! You can help me after.” It felt like coercion, but he was tired and it had been a long day, so he just let it happen.

Jas modeled three of her dresses for him. They were all ones Marnie had bought her, and they were nice enough, but they weren’t right . 

He still chose a purple one she smiled the most wearing, and she’d nodded like it was the right choice.

She sat in his lap as he undid her hair. She could sleep with it in, but they didn’t want her scalp to hurt, so it usually got taken down at night before she wore her silk wrap to bed.

He just snapped the tiny elastic instead of fighting with it, watching the puffy hair flare out. Jas had her mother’s hair, tightly coiled and very unique. Iris had loved styling her hair, sometimes in braids and other times in waves, and had loved when Jas inherited it.

“I’m so excited about Mr. Harvey coming over tomorrow!”

Shane froze, the second band snapping under his fingers as he stared down at Jas’s head.

“What.”

“Marnie said she invited Mr. Doctor Harvey over for my birthday! He’s coming over for dinner. I hope we have plum pudding!”

Shane grit his teeth, but his hands were gentle as he smoothed her hair back and wrapped the silk scarf around her head, twisting it the way Iris had taught him hundreds of times until it was snug.

“Great.”

So the guy he’d screamed at earlier, who’d seen him freak out, was going to be in his house for dinner.

Marnie you asshole .

He put Jas to bed, not willing to risk poking the bear that was Marnie to do it. 

He got her settled under the covers and tucked Dolly under her arm, letting her ramble until she trailed off, eyes closed and mouth hanging open as she drifted off to sleep.

That? That was unique to her. Joel slept like a corpse and Iris was a snuggler, but only Jas was that chaotic in her sleep. He had no doubt she’d somehow end up upside down and over the covers by morning.

He didn’t grab himself a beer before bed. Not because of any other reason, simply because he was tired.

-

A song about stars played on the radio, filling the house with life. Shane could smell pancakes cooking from the kitchen. Joel always made three kinds for the different people in his house. Jas liked them with chocolate chips and fruit on top, Iris liked them with banana and chocolate chips, and Shane liked them plain with eggs on the side so he could drown it in hot sauce.

Shane pressed his face into the couch cushions. He must have fallen asleep out here again. Usually when he did Joel moved him to his room or theirs, but last night he must have just let it be. Shane always insisted he was fine on the couch anyways, Joel was just too worried a bad back would make gridball difficult. Joel was also a sneaky fucker, and waited for Shane to fall asleep before moving him to avoid the flailing and complaining.

Iris was singing, beautiful and off key, probably dancing around the kitchen on bare feet. Surely once she realized he was up she’d pounce on him and force him to dance with her, laughing when he stumbled out of her arms and towards the coffee maker like a zombie.

Shane’s nose twitched as the pleasant smell of pancakes turned acrid.

“Sunshine? Forget how to cook a pancake?” He teased as he pushed himself up off the couch. Usually it was him that burned the food, so he could afford to blame Joel for once.

The thrifted rug muffled the creak of the floorboards as he got his feet under him and stretched. He rubbed his eyes and yawned, trying to muster some semblance of humanity before facing the morning people he’d decided to befriend.

The room went silent as he stood and looked into the kitchen, the open floor plan hiding nothing. There was no more movement, no music, no people. The kitchen was empty, and a skillet was smoking on the stove.

“Shit- Joel?” Shane looked around as he ran over to turn the burner off, the smell thick and burning his nose. It didn’t smell like burning food, instead like melting plastic. 

He looked down. The pan on the stove was black, bubbling over with something thick as tar and oozing down the burner, spitting and popping as it hit it. Something was inside the black mixture, peeking out.

He reached blindly towards the utensils, finding a spatula in his hand and going to poke at the frothing mess. The mixture hissed and bubbled ominously, crackling like firewood as he managed to jam the spatula under whatever was in the skillet and wrench it upwards.

Blue buttons and a stitched frown peered out where black tar was smeared over the tan brown fabric, a handsewn little dress soiled beyond repair.

Dolly?

Jas loved this doll, and she knew not to play in the kitchen!

He felt a tug at his sweatpants.

“Jazzy? Honey, you know not to-“ He looked down, pausing.

It was…

Jas?

He tried to focus on her, even as she flickered like a candle. Short and pudgy, tall and lanky, three, six, seven, two, little hand gripping his pants.

“Jazzy, what’s wrong?” He kneeled, taking her tiny face in his hands as if it would make her stop changing. It was like trying to grab steam- or smoke. She flowed through his fingers even as he was sure he could feel her skin beneath his fingers.

Grey eyes looked past him, face slack and unresponsive as he shook her by shoulders gently, then more frantically.

“Joel?! Iris?! Something’s wrong with Jasmine!” He hissed as her skin grew warm under his fingers, then hot. 

He felt a heavy hand fall on his shoulder, melting in relief as he turned.

“Joel, thank-“ He turned, eyes snapping wide and a choked cry escaping as he fell back against the cabinets.

Joel had always been sunshine personified. He was messy blonde hair and blue eyes, a Ferngill poster child with a slightly crooked smile, he was everything.

Now, he was barely recognizable, but Shane knew it was him all the same. Even with cloudy grey eyes that had shriveled in their sockets from the heat, even with skin so charred the bones peeked from underneath the blackened meat, even with his teeth exposed from where his mouth had burned away. It was still Joel, or what was left of him.

“Joel?” His voice was shaky, coming out as a croak as a scratchiness started to build in his throat. 

The walls were warping around them, melting like candle wax and shifting every time he tried to look away so Joel was the focus again. He tried to cover his eyes, but he could see through his hands like they weren’t even there.

“Why won’t you look at me?” Joel sounded hurt, betrayed. Shane forced himself to look, eyes following a trail of blood inching down Joel’s chin as his jaw opened and closed around the formless words.

“S-something’s wrong with Jas.” He managed through the smoke clogging his throat and filling the air. He clawed at his chest, unsure where it was coming from.

“You couldn’t even keep her safe? You couldn’t do one thing right?” Joel’s voice was stretching, warping, but he could still hear the utter disappointment in it. Because out of everyone, out of every person in his life that had decided Shane Callahan was too much fucking trouble, Joel had always believed in him. Always told him he could be better.

“I’m sorry, I tried- I’m trying- I can’t-“ The words were getting stuck, crashing into each other like derailed train cars and choking him where they lodged in his throat. Apologies, apologies, never worth anything real.

“You promised me, Shaney.” Shane flinched hard at Iris’s voice. She didn’t call him Shaney. He was Moonshine, he was something, anything, but not that. She knew how much he hated it. She’d never use it unless she was trying to hurt him.

Her hand, with painted long nails that were usually busy painting or brushing through his and Joel’s hair, came into view. It was burning, flame dancing on the surface of her tan skin. 

He took it, because why wouldn’t he? Even as his skin started to catch fire, he still gripped her hand. 

“You promised me, and then you took my daughter from me?” Her voice was no longer light and airy, full of stardust and dreams, but cold and furious. She sounded like she did that night, when her fingers had ghosted over the bruised and split skin of his face, but this time she wasn’t mad on his behalf. This time her anger was directed at him.

“I couldn’t-“ Couldn’t lose her too, couldn’t let her burn, couldn’t make any other choice when he’d heard her scream. He’d done the thing he’d promised to never do and had left them behind, all to save their daughter, all to rip her away from her parents one last time.

He looked up even as his mind screamed at him not to. 

The walls were on fire around them, crackling and splintering as the building groaned under the stress. 

Iris didn’t look as solid as Joel, her injuries changing and shifting as his brain tried to imagine what she had looked like after. Melting eyes. Burned away hair. Exposed bone. Reset. Again and again, one wound after another.

Joel was holding something, a bundle held against his scorched chest. Shane could see the frizzy purple curls escaping from the blanket, a hand woven one with little flower designs.

“No!” He stumbled to his feet, even as ash flaked off his skin and the world shuddered around him. “You can’t- Don’t take her! Please!” 

Did he even have the right to ask that? To deny a father his child? To make that choice once again?

Still, he tried to step forward to take her back. Shane was a selfish, selfish man at heart.

“You’re only going to break her. You break things, Shane. You burn everything you touch.” 

Shane looked down at his hands, horror sinking in his gut as he realized it was him the fire was coming from. Smoke poured from his lungs and embers sparked off his scorched skin, the fire coming from inside of him. Past his flesh and bones, all the way down to his soul.

“Then- Then take me with you!” He’d burn again if it meant burning with them, if it meant never being alone again.

Joel and Iris looked down at him like a piteous insect.

“No Shane.” They echoed as the ceiling let out a crack, a large chunk falling. 

Shane crashed to his knees as the ceiling beam pinned him, the fire around him becoming thicker and hotter.

“Burn here, like you were supposed to.”

They started to walk away, carrying little Jas wit h them.

He screamed her name, struggling against the fire engulfed wood. 

Jas! Bring her back, bring her back! Bring her-

“Unc’ Shane?” Jas’s sleepy voice startled him awake, eyes trying to focus in the darkness. “What’re’ya doin’?”

Shane struggled to breathe, lungs burning as he muffled a cough and cradled the little girl to his chest for a moment before setting her back in her bed. He had to remind himself she was safe as he pried his hands away, that he didn’t need to save her again.

“Nothing, Princess. Go back to sleep.” He tucked a few wayward curls back in her wrap, rubbing her forehead until her sleepy eyes drifted back closed. 

He glanced down at Dolly, looking her over for blemishes until he was satisfied, tucking her in Jas’s arms.

Once he knew she was asleep he slipped out of her room, heading for the kitchen. 

Maybe one beer wouldn’t hurt. Not like he was going back to sleep, after all.

Chapter Text

“I've got high hopes, it takes me back to when we started… And in my dreams, I meet the ghosts of all the people who have come and gone. Memories, they seem to show up so quick but they leave you far too soon.”

High Hopes, Kodaline

So maybe starting his day at nearly 4AM and popping his anxiety meds wasn’t the best course of action. He hadn’t taken them before work before, but knew he didn’t have any patients today, so it wouldn’t affect too much.

That was, until he realized Maru stood in the doorway, and had been watching him stare down at a blank sheet of paper. His mind shut off sometimes- he forgot where he was or just fell out of consciousness for a few minutes once the meds were fully working. 

“You okay, Harvey?” She asked, leaning against the doorway, clipboard in hand. 

“Sure thing, Maru!” He said, a little more chipper than he felt, putting the paper to the side and swiveling around to look at her. “Just thinking.”

She took another step into the room and sat down in the cushioned chair along the wall. “About what?” 

“You told me to save who I can.” He said softly.

“What?” 

“After Jas’s first appointment- sorry.” Harvey smiles, but it doesn’t meet his eyes. “You said you can’t save everybody.” 

“Right.” She says. She hugs her clipboard to her chest. “I didn’t mean anything by it, you’re great at your job!”

“It’s not that. I think I messed up during Jas’s appointment yesterday.” He pauses and looks down at his hands. “She was finally starting to open up. She was telling me about what happened to them, and Shane started to panic, I think.” 

“Panic?”

“He was coming apart at the seams listening to her tell the story. I thought he was going to cry, or pass out, or maybe vomit- and so I gave him an excuse to leave the room.” 

Maru nods, waiting for Harvey to continue. 

“I stepped out to check on him and he exploded at me- I touched his arm and his reaction was…” He trailed off. “Visceral.” 

“Did he hurt you?” Maru asked, eyebrows raised. 

“No, not at all!” Harvey responded, “I thought for a moment that he might, but he just shouted.” 

Maru sat back in her chair, relaxing a little. “You probably shouldn’t have touched his arm.”

“I know. I know that.” Harvey sat back too, tilting his head back and letting out a huff of air. “I just wanted to comfort him, or let him know I was there.”

“I don’t think he’s a man that likes comforting.”

He sat forward at that, dizzying a bit at the quick movement. “You seem to have something against him, telling me he was the town drunk when clearly we have Pam competing for that trophy.”

Maru shrugged, “A figure of speech, I guess. He gets wasted a few times a week, they cut him off at the Saloon and Emily walks him home.” 

“As someone in healthcare, how do you not see that as a cry for help?”

Maru stiffened at that. She didn’t respond.

“I’m sorry,” Harvey said, “But we both studied how people cope with stress and trauma, and though it’s not the healthiest way, you have to admit that it’s a tell-tale sign that he’s going through something.”

“Right.” Maru said, looking a little ashamed. “I didn’t mean anything by it, and I do feel bad for him. It’s just hard to take pity when he has a kid at home waiting for him.”

“Parents can experience trauma too, Maru.” Harvey said, “And Jas is well taken care of, considering the circumstances. After getting to know the family, I have little worries about neglect. Do you feel differently?”

Maru shook her head, “You’re right.”

Harvey grabbed his cane and stood, gently patting Maru’s shoulder with his free hand. “You’re good at your job Maru, and you’re a good person. Don’t let the small town talk and judgement cloud your own opinions.” He laughed a little as he said, “Hell, don’t let me change your opinion altogether either. I need a fresh set of eyes to help me out here, Kiddo.”

She smiled and patted his hand too. “I think that Shane will come around, he just needs time.” As they walked out to the lobby, Maru added, “And maybe to not be having a panic attack when you try to talk to him?”

“Right.” Harvey says, smiling. He turned towards the doorway to his apartment and let Maru get to work with the paperwork and reception duties.

He’d need to be alone while he waited for his meds to wear off. 

. . . 

The apartment above the clinic was small, but cozy. It was easy for him to sit down and rot while the time passed, feeling a little numb as he listened to his radio, staring through the screen while The Queen of Sauce taught a new recipe. His mind wandered back to his dinner plans now and then. He wasn’t anxious, at least.

After a couple of hours, they start to wear off and have the desired effect.

Marnie had suggested that he bring a side to go with dinner tonight, but failed to mention what dinner would be. He didn’t exactly have a kitchen, so cooking the side was out of the question. He’d have to bring something fresh or order to-go from Gus. 

He checks the time. 

14:45.

He’d have just enough time to say goodbye to Maru for the night, and to hop over to Pierres to pick up some groceries. 

Changing into more relaxed attire for dinner, he adjusts the collar of his shirt in the mirror. A simple green button up, and khaki pants. He rolls his sleeves up a bit, thinking he’d probably be overdressed, he thinks as he puts on his belt. Marnie would probably have hay in her hair from the farm, and Jas would be as wild as ever by this time of day, and Shane… 

Nevermind. 

He combed his hair almost as delicately and deliberately as he did his mustache before leaving the bathroom. 

You clean up nice, old man. He thought to himself. 

He slips into a relaxed pair of brown shoes and leaves his cane by the door. He’d just be shopping next door, he wasn’t going to need it for a short trip where he’d be able to lean on a shopping cart. 

He felt less sure of himself when he got downstairs and had to lean on the door frame for support talking to Maru. 

She looked up at him from her chair and smiled, “Well don’t you look nice!” 

“Off to dinner,” He said with a smile, holding onto the reception desk for support as he walked towards the door. “Jas’s birthday.”

She raised her eyebrows at that.

He stopped walking and put one hand on his hip. “What?” 

“After yesterday with Shane? You’re going to his house?”

“Well, it’s Jas’s house too. And Marnie’s.” 

“Harvey-”

“It’s her birthday!” 

“Does he know you’re stopping by?”

Harvey pauses. He assumed, but it had only been 20 minutes following Shane taking off in a hurry. 

“Harvey!” 

“Maru!” He matched her tone, stepping towards the door. “It’ll be fine, it’s not about us, it’s about Jas.” 

Maru rolled her eyes using her whole body as she went back to work at the computer. “Good luck with that, Soldier.”

“Have a good night, Maru.” Harvey said, stepping out into the warm early summer air. 

. . . 

Pierre’s didn’t have traditional shopping carts, they were a little lighter than the ones that Joja had, and smaller. Harvey cursed himself under his breath for not thinking of that when choosing to leave the cane behind for convenience. 

It was never for convenience, it was to feel normal. Like he wasn’t twice his age.

He made his way over to the produce and carefully picked through what little looked fresh enough to be edible. He’d bring a fresh summer salad to dinner. It was a special occasion, so he decided to sacrifice a little bit of the healthiness and made it a fruit-based salad with berries instead of vegetables. Maybe Jas would like it better. 

Salads were the one thing that Harvey enjoyed that could be prepared in his ‘kitchen.’

When he finished gathering a selection of salad ingredients, he made his way to the front of the store. 

“Afternoon, Harvey!” Pierre said, looking him up and down, and then taking in the contents of his cart. “You look as great as ever! And it looks like you’re having a salad tonight, excellent choice! Summer is a good time to eat a refreshing salad.” 

Harvey smiles, “Couldn’t agree more.” As he sat his items up on the counter to be rung up, he had a thought. “Think you have something to package a gift with? Just a small thing, but if you have some paper to wrap it in, or ribbon…” 

“Absolutely!” Pierre said, stepping around the counter. “What color would you prefer?”

“Purple would be great,” Harvey said, the answer coming as easily as he said it. 

Pierre fetched him a thick purple paper with a light purple vine design along the edges, and a few colors of ribbon to choose from. Harvey chose the green ribbon, thinking he might be able to tie it in a bow reminiscent of Jas’s. 

She deserved to have a good birthday, and if Harvey was invited, he was certain there probably was going to be a short list of attendance. 

Back in his apartment, he carefully prepared the salad in a large glass bowl with a nice silicone cover. He realizes he’s probably never actually used it before. 

He carefully placed the doll into a shoebox on a bed of newspaper, and wrapped the box in the purple paper. Tied together with the ribbon, he took his time carefully writing, Happy Birthday, Jas! -Dr. Harvey just below the bow. 

He carefully placed the bowl and the gift in a canvas bag for safer travels, hooked it over his shoulder, and took his leave from the apartment. 

. . . 

When he stands on Shane’s doorstep- No. Marnie’s doorstep. She was the one that invited him. He takes a deep breath. He could turn around right now and pretend he wasn’t feeling well and couldn’t make it, and promise to drop Jas’s gift off later. 

But he cared about Jas. Even if things were going to be horribly awkward with Shane, Harvey had been through worse for less. He smiled despite himself thinking of how she might react to the doll he’d found, and found himself a little less nervous. Maybe his meds worked for more than killing a few hours of time. He knocked on the door. 

Marnie opens the door a few moments later, a look of fluster on her face as she smiles and welcomes him. “You’re early, Harvey!” 

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure how long the walk would take me.” Harvey adjusts the bag on his shoulder awkwardly. “I haven’t been in the Cindersap Forest before. It’s very beautiful!” 

She smiles warmly and opens the door wider for him to enter. As he steps into the room, he can smell the food cooking. With a peek at the clock, he realized he was actually early. Quite early. An hour early. 

And Marnie had some very homely decor. The bird clock, which had birds in place of each hour, sang a birdsong softly as the hour hit four. 

Marnie rushes back into the kitchen to stir something that smells heavenly, and looks at him standing in the doorway. “Well, if you’re here you better get to work, Pumpkin! I’m making food for six, and I need rolls in the oven.” 

Harvey laughs as he sets his bag down on a counter, leaving his cane leaned against the doorframe. “Anything I can do to help.” He washes his hands and uses the kitchen island to steady himself, “Ready for duty!”

Marnie laughs too, a hearty and warm laugh as he tilts her head towards a bowl on the counter behind her, a towel draped over top. “Grab that bowl there and split the dough into 12 equal pieces for me if you would. I’ve already got the cutting board prepped with flour.” She points to the pantry door, which has assorted aprons hanging. “You’re gonna need one of those, if you want to keep those fancy clothes clean.”

Harvey looks down at his button-up. “I dressed down…” He said softly as he reached for an apron. 

Kiss the Cook… If You Can Catch Her!

Harvey balked at the apron, which featured a cowgirl with a lasso in hand, cast above her head. 

He reached for another instead. 

Udder Perfection

Luckily the udders weren’t too realistic. Leafing through the other aprons proved to be a losing battle. He might have found the tamest of the aprons. 

Marnie snorts as he ties it behind his back, “Sorry about that, Sugar.” 

The risen dough is dense, seedy and darker than the normal Ferngill bread he has grown accustomed to. There was something familiar about it, but nothing he could place.

“It’s supposed to be cooked in a brick oven, I hope that my oven will do the trick.” Marnie says, “It’s special for Jas from where she’s from, I found the recipe in the back of a cookbook at the library. The ingredients are all from the city, nothing I could get here.”

Cutting the dough into even pieces is easy enough, but Harvey quickly finds that it’s a messier job than he thought. The flour finds its way onto the floor, the front of his apron, onto his collar, and somehow into his hair. 

He wasn’t much of a baker. 

When he turns and gives Marnie two thumbs up and lets her know the dough is ready to go into the oven, she smiles. “Thanks for your help sweetie, but you look a mess.” 

Harvey waves a hand, dismissing it. “Anything for the birthday girl. Need help with anything else?”

Marnie nods and hands him a spoon. “Stir this continuously for the next three minutes and I’ll get the next thing started!”

He gets to work, grateful to be busy before having this dinner with Shane. “Who else is coming to dinner?”

Marnie sighs, “Jodi… and Vincent, Jas’s friend.” 

Harvey nods, he hadn’t met Jodi more than a quick greeting at Pierre’s. He knew her husband was currently deployed. 

“It should be a good time, though Jodi can just be a little judgemental of Shane. He’s doing his best with Jas, it’s a hard situation.” She smiles sadly, setting up the next dish. “It’s hard to have a hard time in a small town like this, everyone knows your business.”

“I’m sure Jas will be over the moon having Vincent over, she talks about him all of the time.”

Marnie nods, “And having a get together with all of her favorite people was the best way I could think to celebrate!” She turned on the burner beside the pot Harvey was stirring, and placed a pan beside it. “Shane is picking up a cake on the way home from work, and I’m trying to make it feel extra special any way that I can.”

“You’re doing a great job, Marnie. I’m sure Jas and Shane both appreciate all of the support.” Harvey says, arm starting to ache from the kneading, cutting, mixing. He peeks at his watch. 

16:30.

Another minute of mixing and another half hour of waiting for the dinner to start. He felt the anxiety threatening to grow in his chest and pushed it away. Shane would only be one of six people at dinner, he probably wouldn’t even have to speak to the guy. 

. . . 

Jas and Vincent burst through the front door squealing and laughing, hair wet and wild from the beach. Jodi had taken them down to the shore so that Marnie could get dinner settled, and they clearly had a great time.

“Hi Doctor Harvey!” He heard her scream as she sprinted past the doorway to her bedroom and slammed the door. 

The chaos. 

“Sorry,” Jodi said as she stepped into the doorway. “They had a ton of fun in the water, they’re a little rowdy.”

Marnie laughed, “Kids will be kids, thank you for bringing them!” She patted Harvey on the back and told him to keep an eye on what was cooking so she could help Jas into her dress.

And so Harvey stirred the pot, gave the pan a shake, and checked the rolls. Everything was in good shape. Jodi stood in the doorway watching quietly. Vincent must have run into the other room.

“So, was the weather nice out on the beach? It can be colder out on the water I’ve noticed!” Harvey reaches, hoping to quell some of the silence, wiping his hands on the apron. 

The apron. 

He looked down and made eye contact with his utters. 

He didn’t need an apron that bad. Hanging it back on the door, he decided it was better to stain his shirt than look Jodi in the eyes with it on. He washed the mess from his hands and looked around for a towel.

“It’s always pretty cool with the ocean breeze.” She says, looking down at her hands, and then around at the wall decor. Finally, her eyes fall on the cane resting beside the door. “You served in the army?”

Harvey dried his hands with a towel, and looked over at Jodi, eyes on his cane. He felt a pang of regret, not approaching her sooner. He would’ve wanted someone to check in on how his dad was doing while he was away.

“Yes, I did.” 

“How long ago?” She looked up and met his eyes, pain evident on her face. 

“Two years ago. I served for two until my injury, and they discharged me.” He says, putting the towel down and resting his palms on the counter. 

“My husband has been gone for three years.” She said, “At first he was able to visit every few months, brought back toys for the kids and told us we were doing well against Gotoro.” She broke eye contact and seemed to find the floor much more interesting. “We haven’t seen him in over a year, and the last time we saw him… He was different.”

Harvey nods. “It’s not an easy thing-” He pauses, “Being over there, or being here, not knowing.”

“Was it getting worse? Worse than what we hear on the news?”

“It’s always worse than what you hear on the news.” Harvey said carefully, “But we weren’t taking more than we gave, for the most part. We have some brave men on the front lines. Brave and capable, dedicated.” 

Jodi nods. 

They hear Jas and Vincent shuffling and giggling down the hall and make a silent agreement to end the conversation there. The kids shouldn’t hear about that. 

When Jas comes barreling around the corner and into the kitchen, she grins at Harvey, “I have my birthday dress on!” 

“It’s lovely Jas, it’s very fitting for the birthday girl to look like the princess of the house!” He notices that her hair is droopy from her swim, and it looks like Marnie tried and failed to tie it up into her familiar puffs and bow. 

When Marnie comes back into the kitchen, she thanks Harvey for the help and bends down to Jas. He hears her offer a quiet apology, saying Uncle Shane will fix it when he gets home. 

Jas doesn’t seem bothered as she grabs Vincent by the arm and drags him into the other room, announcing that they’ll play fairy princess. Jodi makes a face, which Harvey might have recognized as distaste.

Harvey retrieved his canvas bag, placing the gift on a table in the entryway, and the salad on the dining table. He started to set places to keep himself busy, folding napkins under plates and setting out silverware the best that he could. 

He went to the kitchen to bring some of the food out when he saw Shane standing at the island talking to Marnie, setting a beautiful pink cake on the counter, along with a small confectionary box. 

Shane looked tired, evident bags under his eyes and his clothes rumpled. He wasn’t wearing anything particularly nice, just a green polo and his threadbare jacket.

“Yeah, Gus threw these in, no charge. Birthday gift. Jas’ll be thrilled, she probably-” Shane motioned at the box on the counter as he talked to Marnie before turning towards Harvey and letting his words trail off. 

He stared for a moment, eyes trailing down before snapping back up. 

For a second, Harvey is afraid that he’s still wearing utters and looks down to be sure. No utters, just bits of flour.

Shane looks away, walls visibly going back up as his shoulders stiffen, but he keeps glancing back at Harvey’s face, to his eyes and then down, before looking back at the floor.

He crossed his arms, gaze still fixed firmly on the floor.

“You, uh, you have- Nevermind.” Shane cuts himself off, turning away and focusing on adjusting a melon ball on the cake.

“Uncle Shane!” Jas runs in, fairy wings bouncing on her back as she attempts to climb him. He grunts, bracing his arms under hers to give her leverage. 

She glances at Harvey and giggles, giving him a wide, and very Shane, grin. “You’ve got flour on your face!”

Harvey blushes, and wipes his face with his hand. “Did I get it?”

He in fact, did not get it. She cackles and reaches her arms out to him from the other side of the kitchen. “I’ll do it!” 

Harvey laughs, wobbling a bit as he walks over. Shane steps forward with Jas in hand, looking away as Jas reaches out her hands and roughly wipes the flour from the side of Harvey’s face. Then, she ruffles his hair, and he sees a flour cloud appear between them. 

They both giggle, and Harvey can almost swear he sees Shane hold back a smile.

Shane takes a step away, leaning back to get a better look at the girl in his arms.

“What happened to your hair?”

“Went swimming.” She said matter of factly.

Shane cocked an eyebrow, unimpressed. “What’s the rule for swimming before events?”

Jas purses her lips, over dramatically thinking for a moment. “No getting my hair wet?”

Shane raised the other eyebrow.

Jas just grinned sharply, eyes bright. “But I knew you could fix it!”

Shane sighed, setting the girl down before glancing at Harvey. He studied intensely for a moment before reaching out and scrubbing his thumb roughly over Harvey’s cheek.

“She missed some.” He muttered, walking over to the fridge and pulling down a basket from the top. It had some small bottles and combs, along with a spray bottle and baggie of hair accessories. “Sit, Jas.”

Jas sat at one of the stools at the kitchen island as Shane stood behind her, pointedly avoiding looking at Jodi and Harvey as Jas began to chat about her day at the beach. He made her bow her head and ruffled her hair, sand falling on the floor. Shane grimaced, glancing at Jodi for a moment before focusing back on his task.

He didn’t speak as he rubbed some type of oil on his hands and began to massage her hair, gently using a metal comb to coax out snarls.

Harvey can’t help but stare in amazement at the fact that Shane knows how to do this- He didn’t seem like the type of guy to go and learn how to care for her tightly coiled hair. 

“One or two?” He asked gruffly, using the metal tail of the comb to part her hair.

“Two!” Jas yelled.

“Wow, shocking.”

Jas tried to lean forward to see into the other room, squeaking when the back of the comb whacked her head with measured carefulness.

“Stop moving.”

Jas pouted as he carefully divided her hair into two portions, taking out two green ponytails with two large round beads and winding them around his fingers. He gathered up all the hair on one side, pulling it taut and securing it with a ponytail before repeating the motion on the other side. Once he’d done both he squinted at them for a moment, reaching out to fluff them until they were perfectly puffy and voluminous. He picked up her discarded bow from the table, securing it in the front of her hair.

“Do you have to do that every day?” Jodi asked, Shane’s eyes flicking up as if he’d forgotten her presence.

“It can stay for a few days, just needs maintained so it doesn’t get snarled.” Shane grunted, starting to put the items back in their basket. He stopped, grabbing the spray bottle and giving each puff a few spritz before putting it away.

“Oh, that sounds like a lot of work.” Jodi frowned slightly.

Shane shrugged. “Not really.”

When Jodi says, “Wouldn’t it be so much easier just to get it straightened?” Harvey raises his eyebrows and looks for Shane’s reaction. Certainly not something he’d say. He hoped Jas hadn’t picked up what she had said, but he knew she was too smart for that.

Shane went stiff, freezing with a comb still in his hand as his eyes snapped to Jodi. Shane’s jaw was set, and Harvey realizes he’s never seen Shane look that upset. Not even when he shouted at him yesterday for touching his arm. He should probably say something so that Shane doesn’t. Frankly, after that comment, Harvey wanted to say something anyway.

“I think it’s important that Jas grows up to appreciate the way she looks, you wouldn’t want to put any incorrect ideas in her head.” Harvey says with a stiff smile, hoping Jodi drops it and catches his hint. Back off.

Jodi looks slightly ruffled, clearly having been caught off guard by Shane’s reaction. “I suppose you’re right. I should go see what Vincent’s getting up to.”

Before she could make her escape her son barreled into the room, skidding to a halt with a brilliantly orange pair of monarch butterfly wings, slightly askew as the strap slipped down one scrawny shoulder. Jodi makes a small noise of discontent, but wisely doesn’t say anything.

“Why’re you taking so long?” Vincent asked in a yell as he looked up at her. His eyes went wide. “Woah! Your hair is pretty again!”

Jas’s face shadowed for a moment before it disappeared and she stuck out her tongue. “Was pretty before, you just can’t appreciate it.”

“Oh, okay. Can we keep playing?” 

Jas looked back at Shane, getting a nod as he walked away with the basket to put it away. She hopped down from the high stool with ease, wings fluttering.

“Hell yeah!”

“Jas!” Marnie snapped from the dining room, poking her head in. The small girl rolled her eyes.

“Heck yeah. C’mon Vince, I need your help with something.” She grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along.

They run off, and the room falls silent. Harvey makes eye contact with Shane, and sees his eyes soften for a moment before looking away.

Was that a thank you?

“Alright, how about the big strong boys bring the food into the dining room for us?” Marnie suggests happily, and with purpose. “Jodi can help me finish up here.” 

Harvey doesn’t say anything to that, but gives a smile and a nod as he picks up a couple of bowls of food and walks into the other room, taking care to keep himself balanced. 

When he sets the bowls down on the table, Shane does the same on the other side of the table. When he looks across and meets his eyes, Shane looks pissed. 

“Thanks for saying something.” He says, looking behind Harvey to check for eavesdropping kids. “She can be a bitch sometimes.”

“I could tell it bothered you, and I didn’t want Jas getting any ideas like that.” Harvey says, waving him away. “Didn’t want you to blow up on her or anything…” He trails off with an awkward laugh, to which Shane looks away. 

He immediately feels awful for mentioning it, and wants to turn and run when he hears little wild footsteps coming his way. He sees Jas and Vincent barreling down the hallway towards them, giggling and laughing. 

First, Jas runs up to Shane and hands him a pair of blue fairy wings with shoulder straps. “It’s a fairy dinner!” 

Shane looks like he almost wants to tell her there was no chance, but sighs. He puts on the fairy wings and sits down at the table. “Happy?” 

“Yes!” She exclaims gleefully, and turns to Harvey. 

She held out a pair of green fairy wings to Harvey, and smiled, “You’re a fairy too Harvey!” 

He’d been called that before… 

“Thanks, Jas.” He says brightly, taking the wings and putting them on. He sat down at a seat across from Shane.

“Almost perfect.” She takes one of Harvey’s wings and bends the metal wire harshly across the center. “Cripple fairy!” 

Shane chokes on the water he was sipping on and coughs wetly as Harvey starts to laugh, and Vincent starts chanting along with Jas. “Cripple fairy, cripple fairy cripple fairy!” 

Shane bursts into laughter, and Harvey realizes he’s not really anxious at all. 

. . . 

The night was going great, despite the moment with Jodi earlier. When Marnie and Jodi joined everyone, Jodi sat quietly and made small talk. 

Marnie had made a fantastic meal, and gave Harvey praise for doing such an excellent job with the rolls. She said she made them special and hoped Jas liked them, and left it at that. 

Jodi failed to grab one of the rolls for Vincent or herself. 

When Shane brought out the confectionary box, Jas lit up. “Gus thought you deserved something familiar, kiddo. He said happy birthday.”

The bean paste buns looked and smelled divine. Gus knew what he was doing, whether it was making drinks, cooking, baking, or being your therapist. 

Jas ate three before offering one to Vincent. He looked nervous, likely never having seen food from other places. “Try one, Vince! My momma used to make them. They are so so good!” 

Jodi exhaled loudly, “He doesn’t like trying new things.”

“Well Marnie always makes me take one bite before I say it’s yucky. It has beans in it, it’s yummy!” Jas shook the bun enticingly, a small bit of bean paste on her cheek.

“Beans?” Vincent said dubiously. “Why are there beans in it?”

“Dunno.” Jas shrugged, unbothered. “My momma said they’re special beans. Try it!”

“It sounds funny, but they taste pretty sweet. You might like it if you try!” Harvey suggests, and then looks over at Jodi.

“Don’t push it. He said he doesn’t want to.” She said with a faux smile plastered on her face. 

“Nuh uh, he didn’t say that! Vincent, do you want to try?” She continued to hold out the bean bun, pointedly avoiding Jodi’s intense gaze.

Vincent glanced at his mother, then at the offered bun.

“Jas, sweetie, it’s okay if he doesn’t want it. Not everyone has to like them.” Marnie said gently, trying to undercut the tension.

Jas glances at Marnie, and just for a moment, her tough exterior cracks, and she looks crestfallen.

“Oh. Sorry Vincent.” She muttered, going to set the bun down on her plate.

Vincent’s eyes widen and he practically lunges forward to snatch the bun from her hands.

“I’ll try it!” He yells, going to take a bite when a hand snatching his wrist stops him.

Jodi had stood from her seat and was leaning over Vincent to grip his wrist.

“Drop it.” Jodi cleared her throat and stood up straighter, looking around the room as if she didn’t just do something that could be seen as wildly offensive. “Vincent, honey, give Jas her present. We’re going home.”

Both children look heartbroken and confused, Vincent letting out a whine as the bean bun fell from his hand and hit the ground.

“Why?” He whines even as Jodi pulls back his chair and gets him out of it. “I’m not done eating yet!”

“We have food at home. Get your gift.” Vincent pouts as Jodi turns him around by his shoulders and points him towards where they’d put their gift. “Now, Vincent.”

“Jodi, if we could just-” Marnie started, but Jodi shot her a look. 

Shane had stood from his chair, hands on the table as he stared down Jodi with an unenviable intensity. He looked even angrier than earlier, and only his occasional glances at Jas seemed to be keeping him from getting in Jodi’s face. He almost wanted to laugh looking at Shane’s blue sparkly wings in contrast to his grave expression, but even with the fairy wings, Shane looked like he could break a man’s nose right now.

Harvey absently wondered if Shane could be tamed once he finally blew up on this woman. He felt a pang of pity looking at Jodi, the quiet rage on her face stemmed from ignorance, he knew this. Though it didn’t piss him off any less either. 

Vincent dragged his feet as he made his way to the table, picking up two wrapped gifts. One with pink paper, and a long one with dinosaurs that was terribly wrapped.

Jas was still sitting in her chair as he walked back, setting the gifts in front of her. Her face was a mask, but her eyes were wide and wet. 

“So this is my gift. I made it myself.” He pointed to the dinosaur one.

Jas slowly picked it up, carefully peeling back the excessively taped paper until she was able to slide the object out. It was some kind of grey stick, the handle wrapped in colorful ribbons.

“It’s a sword! So you have one next time we play pirates and princesses.” 

Jas cracks a smile, taking the sword and tapping either of Vincent’s shoulders as if knighting him. “Thanks Vinny.”

“And that one’s from my mom, she didn’t think you’d like mine.” He pointed to the carefully wrapped pink gift.

Jas’s smile fell, one hand still gripping the sword as she grabbed a corner of the carefully wrapped package and ripped it down the middle. She pulled out a coloring book, sparkly and generic with cats and unicorns on it, and a big orange clearance sticker on the corner. 

“…thanks.” Jas muttered, settling the book down and cradling her sword to her chest. “Do you really have to go?”

Vincent looks at his mother and slowly nods, his face equally sad.

“I’ll pack up some cake for Vincent.” Marnie says with false cheer and a tight expression on her face. 

“Melon and strawberry.” Shane practically spits from where he was still staring Jodi down. “Hope that’s not too exotic for you.”

Marnie returns a moment later with a single slice of cake in a Tupperware, handing it straight to Vincent after he sadly pulls off his butterfly wings.

“Enjoy it, Sugar.” She says softly as he takes the container, the boy sniffling.

Jodi drags him out after that, Shane watching them go with a stormy expression.

Harvey sighs and stands. “I’ve got a gift for you too, Jas.” He tries to smile at her, but she just looks broken. She gave him her best try at a smile, which made her look even more upset.

When he returns with the gift and hands it off, he stands behind the chair he’d been sitting in, holding onto it for support. 

Jas carefully, slowly untied the bow. Her slow, sad hands broke Harvey’s heart. 

She undid the paper with care, pulling out the item. A doll made of porcelain with carefully painted features and blonde hair, something he thought Jas would normally be thrilled about.

“I like it!” She tried to sound happy, brushing a strand of the doll’s hair from her eyes. “I- I really-“ Her nose twitches as she sniffles loudly, eyes wide. “No! I do, I like it!” She tries again, even as her expression starts to crumble and fat tears begin to roll down her cheeks. She sets the doll down and scrubs roughly at her cheeks with her hands, as if to try and stop the tears pouring down.

“Jas, I know, don’t worry about it,” Harvey tries to interject, but the floodgates have opened. 

Jas lets out a soul crushing sob, shoulders beginning to shake as she pulls her knees up and buries her face in them.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She whimpers into her knees, fingers gripping the fabric of her dress tightly. “I didn’t mean to!” The words came out hitched and disjointed between sobs. 

Shane pulled her chair away from the table and sat down in his own, pulling the crying girl into his lap. He rocks her gently, shushing her as he combs his fingers through her hair. He looks up, meeting Harvey’s eyes with a serious expression.

“Harvey, go help Marnie clean up.” 

Harvey nods and grabs some dishes from the table, stepping into the kitchen. 

Marnie drops a pan into the sink with a crash, muttering angry thoughts to herself, and freezes when she sees Harvey. She looks like she wants to apologize, correct her behavior for a moment, when she shakes her head and decides to let it go. 

“What the hell is wrong with people?” She snaps in a voice that Harvey thinks was an attempt at keeping it hushed. 

“She just doesn’t understand.” Harvey said, placing the plates on the counter. “I’ve seen it a lot in Zuzu.”

“And that’s an excuse?” Marnie said incredulously, “She’s just a child.”

“Not an excuse, just an explanation.” Harvey says quietly. 

They could still hear the sobs from the other room. 

Harvey turned on the sink. “I’ll help you clean up.”

Marnie leaned against the counter, rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands. “I appreciate it, Harvey.” She looks out at the doorway. “I feel like I’ve done all I can to protect that girl, to help Shane give her a good life here. And in her own home?”

Harvey nods solemnly. 

Marnie lets out a heavy sigh and begins putting things away. They wipe down counters and put the kitchen back together in silence, until Shane appears in the doorway, holding Jas in his arms, her head slack on his shoulder. 

“I’m going to put her to bed.” He says, the bags under his eyes even more severe than earlier. 

Harvey and Marnie nod, and say quiet goodnights and happy birthdays. 

“Thanks for staying, Harvey.” Jas says sleepily, face puffy and red from tears. “I do like the present.”

Harvey smiles at her, “Thanks for inviting me, Jas. The dinner was lovely, and I was very proud to be the cripple fairy.”

She lets out a small, teary laugh as she rests her head on Shane once more, letting her eyes flutter shut. 

. . . 

A few minutes pass, and they hear the front door open and shut. 

Marnie looks at Harvey and shrugs. “Sometimes he needs some time to himself.”

Harvey nods, taking his leave to begin un-setting the table and doing a last round of dishes. He didn’t want to leave Marnie to clean everything up on her own. The kids had made a mess, with food under the table and handprints on the runner. He felt obligated to help, knowing Shane probably wouldn’t be in the shape to, if he was out taking time for himself tonight. 

By the time everything was cleaned up, and Marnie’s kitchen was cleaner than she started with, she thanked Harvey. She gave him a hug and told him he was welcome anytime, and he could tell she meant it. 

He packed up his large tupperware bowl into his canvas bag, grabbed his cane, and stepped out into the cool summer air. 

That’s when he sees a warm lantern’s light glowing over by the pond. He carefully sets down his canvas bag, and walks towards the light.

One step at a time.

. . .

The night was clear, the pond illuminated by lantern light as lightning bugs flitted about, diving down to kiss the surface of the water before darting back up, leaving ripples in their wake.

Shane stared out over the water, trying to calm the rage under his skin. Once upon a time that rage had made him a good gridball player, but now, as a washed up nobody, all it did was make his skin buzz. 

He forced himself to loosen his grip on the can he was holding, the tin creaking as it warped back to its normal shape. Without gridball or violence, the only other way Shane had found to quiet the ol Callahan temper was beer. Enough of it to quiet the rage, but not so much he would march down to that bitch’s house and give her a piece of his mind.

He heard a sound that was slowly becoming familiar. The clack of a cane, this time impacting the aged wood of the dock.

He didn’t turn to look at the doctor as he came up beside him. He simply pulled a beer from the six pack beside him and wordlessly held it out.

After a few seconds he felt warm fingers pull the can from his hand. There was some shuffling as the doctor sat down beside him, setting his cane behind them and letting his legs hang down. To Shane’s surprise Harvey had taken his loafers off and had rolled his pant legs up, putting his bare feet in the water like Shane had. 

Silence hung between them, both men staring out over the water.

“You know, don’t you? About Jas?”

“That she’s Gotoroan?” Harvey replied carefully.

Shane inhaled sharply, then nodded. He hated having a reaction to that word, as if it was a term of shame.

“Since the day I met her,” Harvey said, looking out at the sky. “I spent a lot of time in Gotoro.” 

“Not that it mattered, but she’s only half Gotoro. Her father was Ferngill, but her mom immigrated young. You wouldn’t know it, she took after her mom.” Shane was exhausted, both from his sleepless night and the shitshow of Jas’s birthday. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. 

“She seems really proud to take after her mother.”

“She should be! Her mother-“ Shane sighed, taking another sip of his beer. “Her mother was amazing. She was so fucking proud of who she was, even when everyone in that goddamn city looked down at her for where she was born. Things got so much worse after the war. She was pregnant when it started, and she was terrified to raise Jas around that hate.”

Harvey simply nods, “I enlisted two years in, served for two, and have been home for two. There’s a lot of hate everywhere you go, whether it’s in the city, at the base, in the hospital…” He trails off. “But there’s also a lot of love and beauty. And Jas is very lucky to have your memories to remind her where she comes from.”

Shane stared hard at the water. “I’m trying, but it doesn’t seem like enough. Iris- She had nothing when she grew up, she made and traded for all her cultural items. She worked so hard to make sure Jas had that, all the festival dresses and cultural food, and then all of it-“ Shane washed the lump in his throat down with another sip of beer. “Burned up with her.”

Harvey took a long drink of his beer and shook his head. “Guess it’s time to make and trade.”

“I never learned that stuff! I tried once, when Jas was little, but I’m not good at it. Iris sewed, Joel learned all the recipes, I… I was just the fun one. I didn’t learn anything, and now I’m all she has. I thought about trading, but the Gotoro in the city don’t like outsiders. They loved Iris, trusted her, but I don’t think I’d be welcome to trade with them as a Ferngill.”

“I’ve met a lot of Gotoroan people.” Harvey says, “And if you walked up to one of their stalls in the city with Jas in tow, all they would want to do is help you. They want to keep their culture strong and create a community where they feel safe and accepted. They’d want to do that for her.”

“Is it safe to bring her? The things people said to her mother in that city were awful, but I suppose I wasn’t able to protect her from that even here.” He let out a heavy sigh, crushing his empty can and setting it to the side. 

“It’s still Zuzu, despite everything. It was my home once.” Harvey took another drink and kicked his feet a bit. “A long time ago.”

Shane perked up at that. He’d pegged Harvey as a city kid, but he’d never considered Zuzu. “Oh? Were you Westside, or Eastside?” He turned to study the man’s profile. “Or were you a middle city kid?”

Harvey smiled, “I grew up on the Westside, but lived in Middle City when I worked for Zuzu Memorial. You’re from Zuzu too?”

“Born and raised, unfortunately. I was a Westie too, not that it’s easy to tell. Iris, Joel, and I moved to upper East as soon as we could, but I lived lower East for a good while.”

Harvey raised his eyebrows. “You were Westside?” He lets out a little laugh. “Really though, it's not that crazy to imagine. It's not as perfect as it seems.” 

Shane chuckled. “No shit. Were you an Academy kid too? That place was a special kind of hell. Only good thing that came out of it was Joel, and that it looked good on a transcript.”

“Oh yeah, the academy…” He grimaced and finished his beer. “It certainly helped with getting into medical school, but not with the self image.” He reached for another beer and cracked it open.

They trailed off for a moment. The silence isn’t heavy or charged, drifting in between them companionably. Shane took a deep breath, telling himself to just be a man.

“I’m sorry. About snapping at you, and saying that shit. It wasn’t right.”

Harvey shakes his head. “Don't worry about it.” He looks down at his hands, holding the cold beer between them. 

“No, man. It was shitty. I don’t usually get like that, especially around Jas… I didn’t expect her to remember anything, and it fucked me up. I still shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”

“Trust me, I get it.” 

Shane had a small flare of anger at that, before he looked over and it settled. Out of everyone in this town, Harvey was probably the only one who could ‘get it’. He glanced down at the doctor’s leg, at the scars peeking out from his cuffed pant leg. Scars that surely got worse the further up they went.

“I, uh, I don’t like being touched.” Shane finally says, shrugging out of his jacket and peeling up the arm of the long sleeve compression shirt on the arm closest to Harvey. He didn’t look down at them, he already knew every single scarred and mottled patch on his arm. Burn scars healed badly. They would never look as horrifying as they did fresh, but the scars were ugly and raised. He kept his gaze straight ahead as he tugged his sleeve back down once he knew Harvey had seen, unable to risk seeing them himself.

Harvey nods, “Noted. It won't happen again, and I'm very sorry that I handled it that way.” When Shane goes to protest, Harvey adds, “I knew better. I just got caught up.” 

Shane didn’t remember anything before getting grabbed, but logically the doctor had tried to talk to him first. Now that he wasn’t in survival mode, he wasn’t as mad about it. He’d be a lot more pissed if it happened a second time.

“I didn't take anything you said to heart, so you know. I knew, generally speaking, where it was coming from. I was more afraid that I messed something up and would lose the chance to help Jas.” 

“Even if I hated your guts, as long as you stayed.. You, I’d let you keep working with Jas.” Shane fiddled with the tab on his beer. “I knew the fire fucked her up bad, but I was so caught up in how bad she used to be. I guess I forgot how fucking bright and happy she was. Maybe I thought she was happy when I wasn’t around, I don’t know.”

“Kids feel the effects of trauma before they're old enough to really form thoughts, and it doesn't just fade away as they grow. It's the same for everyone regardless of age.” 

Shane could have guessed that probably, it was obvious, but maybe for once in his life he’d been optimistic. He curled on himself just a little more, arms resting on his legs as he stared hard into the water.

“After the fire…” He took a long sip of his beer, washing down the ash. “It was bad. I was…unconscious once we were outside, but Jas was awake. And then they took her, and I didn’t get her back for four fucking weeks. They let her visit twice a week, but I was… I don’t know what she went through. They kept rehoming her, saying she was too difficult, too violent, too hard to handle. My sweet Jasmine, shuttled between homes and treated like damaged goods.” 

Shane took another sip, closing his eyes for a second before forcing them open before the images could play behind his eyelids. “She was in rough shape when I got her back. Didn’t talk, horrible nightmares, was terrified of every adult that wasn’t me. She got so much better, I- I hoped she was all better.”

Harvey chuckles bitterly, “Not to clock you or anything, but did you get all better after a few years? I sure didn't.”

Shane let out a harsh laugh that turned into a cough. “I suppose you’ve got me there, Doc.”

Harvey sipped his drink. “What’s with the whole ‘Doc’ thing?”

“Well, you’re a doctor-“ Shane hid a smile against the collar of his jacket. “And I can tell it annoys you.”

Harvey nods, giving a small dry chuckle. “You're funny.” He glances over at Shane for a moment before saying, “I used to know someone like you. He had a big heart, and a smart mouth.” He takes a long drink. “Made everyone laugh even when they weren’t sure they’d make it home. Talked a big game, but he loved people. Deeply.”

After a beat, “That’s why he didn’t make it.” 

The pond was quiet, other than the sound of Harvey tapping the side of his can thoughtfully. It echoed across the water in front of them. “Luckily out here in the Valley, helping people doesn’t usually get you killed.”

Shane blew out a breath, letting that sink in for a moment. It made sense that a soldier had lost people, especially with how bad the war was, but this clearly wasn’t a random soldier the medic had lost, this was someone he cared about.

“It’s hard to be the one that makes it.” Shane says, voice raw with grief. Unlike the grief counselors or doctors, Harvey actually understood what it meant to be the one to survive. “The people I knew- my friends. They were amazing.” He took another sip, trying not to chicken out. He couldn’t bury their memory forever.

“Joel, he was so bright and amazing, we called him Sunshine. Big guy, real tall but so gentle. Biggest guy on the team and played the worst. I don’t know, I think he showed me the world wasn’t all shit.” Shane willed the stinging in his eyes back, he could do this, he could talk about them. “And Iris, wow. She was crazy, but in the best way. She never let her past ruin her life and was so fucking proud of who she was. Stardust and fucking dreams. The three of us against the world, how it was supposed to be.”

Harvey raises an eyebrow at that. “You must’ve been close…” He doesn’t seem to notice the flush appearing on Shane’s face when he holds out his beer to him. 

“To Joel and Iris.”

Shane clears his throat, caught off guard by the gesture. “To Joel and Iris.” The cans clink together, echoing across the water. “And to your friend, too.”

“Tommy.” His voice breaks a little when he says the name, and he rubs at his eyes with his free hand. “His name was Tommy.”

Shane committed that to memory. It didn’t affect him, the name of a dead soldier he’d never met, but Iris was insistent that to be forgotten was to die for a second time. If Harvey had taken the care to remember Iris and Joel’s names, he would remember Tommy.

“That gift, the doll, that was good. Jas did love it, she feels real bad about crying when you gave it to her, but I told her you understood.” Shane sighed, remembering the little girl’s hitching sobs. “Lot better than what I got her. Markers. What kid wants markers?” He planned to give them to her tomorrow, once she wasn’t so sad.

Harvey chuckles, “If any kid wants markers, it’s the one that draws everyone she meets as a chicken.” He adds, “And don’t feel too bad. It was a last minute gift, something Pierre happened to have on a shelf. You should’ve seen the layer of grime on that thing before I gave it to her-” He starts to laugh, and something in Shane’s chest eases. He had a feeling a man like Harvey didn’t laugh nearly as much as he should.

How long had it been since he’d shared a beer and shot the shit with someone that wasn’t the bartender? Before the fire for sure, just another thing it had taken from him.

“I appreciate this, you talking with me. I don’t know why my attitude hasn’t driven you off yet, to be honest, but I know you’re a good guy. You do a lot for Jas, you’re okay in my book.”

“You’re pretty okay too, Shane.” Harvey smiles, “And anytime you want to chat, my door is open. Sometimes talking is the only way you can really heal from something.”

Shane gave the doctor a side eye, bumping the man’s shoulder gently enough to not knock him over. “Alright buddy, you’re Jas’s therapist not mine.” His tone was almost playful.

“I’m not trying to be your therapist, I’m trying to be your friend.” Harvey’s voice was tentative.

Shane drew in a breath, and stared out over the water. Friends. He had only been good at that with two people, and that was a long time ago. 

He exhaled back into the cool night air, lungs free of smoke, and fingers tapping the aged wood of a neglected dock, a warm body next to him.

“…I don’t understand you, Doc, but sure. Knock yourself out.”

He scoffs, returning the shoulder bump. “Keep calling me Doc and I’ll have to come up with a nickname for you too.” 

Shane smirks, giving the man his full attention. “Lay it on me.”

“Hotshot?” Harvey says, unsure.

“Booo!” Shane gave a thumbs down. “Do better!”

“How’s Porcupine?” He says after some thinking.

“Porcupine?? Why Porcupine?”

Harvey shrugs, “You’re prickly.”

Shane barked a laugh at that, giving the doctor a gentle sock to the arm. “You got me there, Doc. Still think you can do better though.”

Harvey grinned. “I’ll workshop it.”

Chapter Text

“Little darlin’, I feel that ice is slowly melting

Little darlin’, it seems like years since it’s been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun, and I say

It’s alright.”

- Here Comes the Sun, The Beatles 

Shane used to enjoy Mondays, back when he was young and unshackled by grief and age, back when he rolled out of a warm tangle of limbs and went to a job he loved.

Now, staring at his alarm clock, the numbers mockingly thirty minutes before the set alarm, he felt nothing but dread. Another miserable and mind numbing work day, two before Jas’s therapy. 

Had he started looking forward to those days? Maybe because of the shorter work day, maybe seeing Jas smile more? As long as the fire didn’t come up again, it was something he could live with. Sure, Jas would have to process the fire eventually, that was what they were there for, but Shane needed to get a better grip on himself before then. He was working on it.

Jas was hunched at the kitchen table, face smooshed against the wood from where she’d fallen back asleep waiting for him to get up.

She was doing better now, or as much as could be expected. Jodi hadn’t apologized, but she didn’t forbid Vincent from seeing Jas. It would have been hard to, with them being the only kids in town. She’d made up with the boy, having never blamed him to begin with, but refused to talk to or look at Jodi. That store bought, sparkly coloring book hadn’t made it past sunrise. Jas had tossed it in the trash herself.

Shane did her hair as she mumbled about her dreams, putting her back to bed when he finished. She curled up around Dolly, drooling with an open mouth and making him smile.

Shane glanced at the clock again. He had time to spare. Normally he’d make coffee, but he had enough time to buy it today. Gus made it better than he did, anyway. He didn’t usually make a habit of it, he was trying not to spend everything he earned, but he’d been drinking a little less and that had to have saved some pocket change. 

The air outside was already starting to grow warm and humid, making his skin feel clammy and tight under his clothes. Even in summer he wore the long sleeve undershirt under his polo, no matter how much the sun baked him for it.

He reached the Stardrop a little before seven, giving the door a gentle rap.

Gus opened the saloon for business officially at noon, but it was a well known secret in town that you could stop by for coffee and breakfast food in the morning. Gus was always up prepping anyway, so the rule was to knock and see, and if he wasn’t busy, he’d serve you. Shane had only just stopped by for coffee on occasion before work, but it was damn good coffee, and he got Shane’s order perfect. Shane didn’t experiment much, he had only tried the triple shot espresso once out of curiosity and it had kept him up for almost two days, so he stuck to just his usual now.

“Shane!” Gus greets him heartily as he opens the door, already wearing an apron with his hair and mustache styled. “Come for a coffee?”

Shane grunted in agreement, following the older man inside the dimly lit building. Gus kept it dark in the mornings aside from the kitchen, both for cost, and because he liked it that way.

Gus talked about a new dish he was making as he went behind the counter to the fancy coffee machine. He knew Shane’s order by now, so he didn’t ask.

A thought occurred to Shane as he leaned against one of the chairs, and he spoke without thinking.

“Make that two.”

Gus glanced up at him, curious even as he obediently grabbed a second to-go cup.

“Why's that, son?” Shane tolerated the nickname, if only barely. It reminded him of his old coach, and it was a hell of a lot better than boy.

Shane crossed his arms. “Why do you need to know?”

Gus hummed as he started one of the coffees. “I suppose I don’t need to know.” He doesn’t sound offended in the slightest as he stirs the coffee with a wooden stir stick, but there’s a twinkle in his eye as he looks up. “But if that second coffee is for Harvey, he prefers it differently than yours.”

Shane felt his ears warm at his intentions getting sniffed out, even though he had no reason to be embarrassed. It wasn’t weird to bring coffee to someone.

“…how does he like it?” 

Gus grinned. “Black, if you’d believe it! I take pride in the fact he prefers my beans over store bought, it’s all in the roast!”

Shane used to drink his coffee black, back when he was a student trying to stay alive and study his ass off to keep his scholarship, but Iris had taken a sip of his coffee by accident instead of her tea one morning and gagged rather dramatically. She’d immediately gone into a rant that life was too short to drink bitter tar water and had made him an ‘improved version’ with three pumps of vanilla, two of raspberry, and cream and sugar. It had been horrid, and yet he drank it every morning still. It had grown on him. He never quite made it right, but Gus’s version was closer to Iris’s than he could get.

So he could hardly judge Harvey for his tastes.

“One black, then.” Shane said simply, daring Gus to say any more. 

The man just smiled and poured the next coffee.

Shane left the Stardrop with a coffee in each hand, making his way to the clinic. It wasn’t until he reached the door that he realized Harvey might not be up yet, and didn’t open for another two hours.

Still, it was too late for doubts, so he tucked one of the coffees in his bent arm and knocked on the door.

Shane heard movement through the door, stepping backwards as it was pulled open with some force.

Harvey met his eyes, his own wide and nervous. He looked like he’d been awake for a while, dressed for the day and looking put together, but there was a noticeable panic to him as he looked at Shane.

“What’s wrong? Is someone hurt?” Harvey’s eyes scanned down Shane’s body looking for injury, then back to his eyes with a spark of fear. “Is it Jas?”

Shane put his free hand up to try and placate the doctor. “No! Doc, relax, it’s just me. No one is hurt.”

Now that he thought about it, showing up to the clinic without warning before hours probably wasn’t the best idea, Harvey must have expected the worst.

Shane watches his words sink in, watches Harvey’s shoulders tick downwards until they’re more relaxed.

“Oh, good.” He peers up at Shane once again, this time with curiosity instead of panic. “Why are you here, then? Not that I mind, but I wasn’t expecting you today.”

Even as he spoke he motioned for Shane to come in, which he did, still juggling the coffees that Harvey apparently hadn’t noticed yet.

Harvey was leaning heavily on the backs of the waiting room chairs as he made his way back towards the reception desk. “I left my cane by accident, I was in a hurry.” He explained simply.

“So you- what? Hobbled? Do you not need it all the time?”

“I do not hobble!” He huffs, shaking his head, “I can walk without it, just not very… gracefully.”  

Shane supposed that made sense. Harvey hadn’t used the cane as much as he was expecting at Jas’s party, he’d clearly overestimated the damage, or underestimated Harvey’s ability.

“I, uh, I brought coffee.” Shane held out the cup that he was pretty sure was Harvey’s. He took a quick sip of the one he thought was his to make sure.

His nose wrinkled at the once familiar bitter taste and he hurriedly swapped the cups, holding the correct one out this time. Maybe Harvey hadn’t seen that.

Harvey had definitely seen that. 

The doctor laughed, took the cup, and sipped. His eyes lit up as he said, “This is my favorite stuff, it’s like you read my mind! How’d you know my order?”

Shane rubbed the back of his neck, trying to chase away the slight flush. It wasn’t like he was embarrassed. “Gus helped. I was close to having him double my order, I have a feeling you wouldn’t have liked it much.”

“It can’t be that bad.” He waves Shane away, holding his hand out to him expectantly. 

Shane raised an eyebrow, but handed over his travel cup. This ought to be interesting.

Harvey took the cup, tilting it briefly towards Shane as if clinking glasses, and took a sip.

Shane took heat satisfaction in watching Harvey’s expression fall the exact moment he tasted it, trying to process the existential betrayal of whatever had entered his mouth. It was sweet and syrupy, and it clearly wasn’t what Harvey had expected. His eyes went wide, face twisting in utter disgust as his eyes darted around. He glanced back as Shane, and they both knew he wanted to spit it out.

Shane smirked, raising an eyebrow, daring him. “That was Iris’s favorite, you know.” He said with purposeful sentiment, laying it on thick. Iris may have created it, but she didn’t even like coffee, she was a tea drinker.

He watched defeat cloud Harvey’s eyes, and barely managed not to laugh as the doctor swallowed with a grimace, taking a hurried sip of his coffee to wash the taste away. 

“Good job, Doc. What did ya think?” He accepted his coffee back with a cocky grin, taking his own sip of his monstrosity. 

“That was… an acquired taste.” Harvey still had a pinched expression as he took another sip of his black coffee.

Shane shrugged. “I’ll take that as a compliment. I should head to work.” While he still wasn’t looking forward to the day, it felt slightly less daunting now.

“Thanks for the coffee, Shane.” Harvey said, stepping back as Shane began to take his leave, but then blurted, “What made you think of me?”

Shane paused. What had made him think of the good doctor? It had been a spur of the moment thing, but there had been a reason. He hadn’t wanted to wait until Wednesday. 

Instead he said, “You seemed like a coffee guy.” and shrugged.

Harvey chuckled. “I came up with another nickname, by the way.” 

Harvey paused for a moment. Shane inclined his head expectantly, not a fan of dramatic pauses.

“Sour Patch. Because you’re sour, and then you’re… mostly still sour. But you brought me this coffee. That was pretty sweet.”

Shane balks at that. It wasn’t the worst thing he’d been called, Iris had gone through a few awful nicknames before Moonshine stuck, but it was hardly a favorite. Still, the eye roll he gives is almost fond, and his groan sounds suspiciously like a chuckle. “Horrifying. Try again.”

“Maybe Captain Crankypants instead?”

Shane groaned again, flipping off the doctor with his free hand as he opened the door to leave. 

Harvey burst out laughing behind him, and Shane hid his smile behind a sip of coffee.

Maybe Mondays weren’t so bad.

. . . 

When Shane had come by with coffee yesterday, Harvey really started to consider the idea that they were becoming friends. 

Do I have any friends?

Sure, he’d gotten to know people around town, and it wasn’t just empty waves and how are yous. He chatted with Pierre and Caroline most days, had gotten to know Gus better than he expected, and Maru had become a sort of confidant.

When he told her that Shane brought him coffee, she gasped. 

“He did what?!” 

“Uhm…” Harvey looked around like he was hoping someone else would back him up. “Is that not a normal thing to do?”

“For me? Sure! I’d bring you coffee. That wouldn’t be weird.”

“You’re going to have to explain this one to me.” Harvey said, sitting on the arm of one of the waiting room chairs. “Sounds like a double standard to me.”

She scoffs, “Shane really brought you coffee?” 

Harvey nods. This must be a foreign concept.

“He doesn’t talk to people, Harvey.” She sat forward, resting her elbows on the reception desk. “He genuinely looked at me once and said, ‘What do you want? Go away.’” Her impression of Shane was rather good, to tell you the truth. She nailed the tone, the facial expression, everything.

“Well we have been getting to know each other, it only makes sense that he’d show a friendly gesture.” Harvey shrugs her away.

“Sitting in on Jas’s therapy sessions and going to a dinner party isn’t much of getting to know one another.”

“Well…” Harvey looked down and blushed. “We also kind of had a talk.”

Maru’s eyebrows snapped to the top of her forehead. “About what?”

“You know, stuff.” He looked at Maru’s expression and said, “Shut up. We just drank and chatted after dinner.”

“You drank? Unbelievable!”

“Maru, it might surprise you, but I am old enough to drink.” 

She bursts out laughing at that one. “Alright old man, so now you and Shane are best friends because you shared a beer?” She sat back and looked back at her computer, muttering. “Not going to say I’m surprised that drinking with him was the way into his heart.”

Harvey blew out a breath of annoyance. 

Is this what having a younger sister is like?

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, it made him feel ill. 

“We’re friends, I think that’s what coffee means.” He says, standing and supporting himself on his cane. He felt extra wobbly. 

“Alright, Harvey.” Maru says, watching him walk to the back room. 

. . .

When Wednesday morning rolled around and Shane dropped off coffee, he said he’d see him later that afternoon. It felt even more like they might be friends. 

It was such a gorgeous day outside that he took his perfectly made coffee and walked to the park behind the clinic. It was up near the old Community Center. Peaceful, the area outside of the town center. 

Harvey liked to spend time in the simple park in front of the clinic, but he had to admit that hearing the villagers shout to each other across the town center was less relaxing at times. They were a tight knit and friendly folk, for the most part. It was a strange feeling, to be an outsider. 

Though he wasn't an outsider, they had welcomed him. He just hadn't grown up in the valley or lived here for ten years, so even when he was welcomed, it always felt like there was a joke he didn't quite understand or a Valley tradition that went over his head.

Harvey breathed in the air of nature, the smell of wildflowers and ripe spice berries present all around him. He was accustomed to the smell of the clinic, but it was still a nice change. It smelled like life, not blood and rot like had once surrounded his every waking moment.

Think happy thoughts, Harvey.

He didn’t spend enough time in nature, despite living around it now. This was the first time he’d actually appreciated the abundance of nature up near the abandoned community center. Plants grew wild, yet not in a way that made it look messy or cluttered. It looked reclaimed, like nature was a part of the puzzle instead of an invader.

Harvey looked over at the abandoned playground. It was well maintained and rather large for a small town like this. It had a swingset, swings swaying in the breeze, devoid of children. He could almost hear the echo of laughter on the breeze looking over the empty climbing wall and slide, as well as the lonely metal bird on a spring confined to the far corner. 

He wondered if Jas liked to ride that one, since it almost looked like a purple chicken.

He’d read a bit about outdoor child therapy, and observing children in their own setting to really get to know their state of mind and help treat them. Seeing her play in the office was certainly eye opening, after the whole… tea party debacle. 

Would Jas find a way to cope with her trauma through play in this setting as well, and what would that look like? Would playing in a more relaxed setting yield more relaxed conversation?

Outdoor Child Therapy had many benefits, but he’d focused more on the tried and true play based method in-house. 

Now that Jas is more comfortable, maybe it’s time to try out some different approaches.

Besides, it really was such a lovely day to be cooped up inside.

He turned on his heel and headed back for the clinic. He still had a few hours and only light paperwork to do, he had time to do some reading.

. . .

Harvey highlighted a section in the text he was reading, switching to a pen to scribble in the margins. He was just about to check the time when he heard the door to the clinic open with a chime. 

Jas’s loud voice filled the space as she darted under Shane’s arm and into the lobby of the clinic. “And that’s when I told him that girl’s brains get smarter quicker, and that’s why I can do math better! Right Mr Harvey?” Jas yelled as her eyes locked on to him.

Harvey let out a laugh, covering it with his hand as he stared fondly at the little girl. “That’s certainly been the truth in my experience. Good to see you Jas.” He greeted the charming girl, and was given a beaming smile in return. 

His eyes flicked to Shane, only to find the man’s eyes already on him. “Shane,” he smiled in greeting. Shane looked the same as this morning, but more tired and shifty. He always appeared that way when he first walked in, and Harvey had figured out long ago it probably had something to do with it being a doctor's office. He’d mentioned before not liking hospitals, and Jas had agreed. He had to admit that the clinic itself was very hospital-like, though he had strived to make the office cozier. 

Shane gave him a nod and looked away, shutting the clinic door behind him. 

“So Jas, I had an idea for something new to try today.” Harvey stood from the front desk, dog earring the page of his book and setting it on the stack he’d amassed in the last few hours. 

“Cool! What is it?” Jas seemed excited, even as Shane tensed. 

“It’s nice out today, so I thought we might enjoy it! Why don’t we head up to the park?” 

“Hell yeah!” Jas jumped, sneakers squeaking loudly as she landed and ran over to Shane to tug on his arm. Harvey laughed again as he shrugged out of his jacket, hanging it on the back of his chair. He rolled up his sleeves and looked up at the two, meeting eyes with Shane. He looked weary, so he gave him a smile. 

Hopefully this helps make him more comfortable, too.

Shane looked back at him, seeming to lose a little bit of the tension in his shoulders. He looked back down at Jas. “You can show him that rock climbing record of yours.” 

Jas’s excitement grew even more. She was practically vibrating as she pulled Shane towards the door. Shane was watching Harvey and waiting for him to join him before letting the girl drag him. 

Harvey snagged the clipboard from his desk with blank paper. “Ready?”

Shane grunted in acknowledgment, letting Jas pull him out the door. He lingered a moment to hold it for Harvey. 

A friendly gesture, one might say. Because he was making friends. 

Harvey passed by him, only to pause as a thought occurred. He turned, shifting into Shane’s space for just a moment as he flipped the ‘Open’ sign to ‘Closed’ with a number for emergencies written below. 

Shane watched him carefully, but didn’t move back or let go of the door. He looked up at Shane for a moment and gave him a sheepish smile as an apology. 

“Got everything you need, Doc?”

Harvey patted his pockets, pulling out his pager with a flourish. “Ready to go!” Harvey brandished the small device and clipped it to the clip board.

“What’s that?” Jas asked eagerly as they started up the path to the park. She was craning her neck to see it, curiosity clear in her tone.

“This is my pager.” He lowered the clipboard so Jas could see it. “When people need me, they call that number on my door, and it beeps to let me know. It can also send short messages.” 

“Woah.” She looked at the small device for a moment before it lost her interest and the playground came into view. She gasped, making both adults jolt. They followed her gaze, seeing the playground wasn’t empty.

“It’s Vincent and Miss Penny! Can I go play with them?” Jas’s voice was full of excitement as she bounced on the balls of her feet, eyes darting between Harvey and the others.

Harvey smiled. “Of course Jas, we can chat when you’re ready.”

Jas cheered, racing off with a loud greeting. Vincent immediately jumped off the swings to run up to her. Penny looked startled until she saw Shane and Harvey following further down the hill. She still had a look of confusion on her face looking between Harvey and Shane, but she hid it well and started to talk to the kids.

Harvey paused out of earshot of the kids, and made a quiet comment to Shane. “Is that alright? Vincent and Jas, I mean.” Harvey didn’t think that anything should keep those two apart, especially Jodi’s ignorance, but the last time he’d seen the two together had been a mess. He wasn’t sure how Jodi had acted since the whole event.

Shane sighed, a heavy, bone weary sigh of an exhausted man, and bumped his shoulder gently against Harvey’s. “Let’s sit and I’ll tell you more about all that.”

Shane offering to open up to me about something? Without any teeth pulling? That’s certainly a sign of friendship. You’re making friends, Harvey.

He led the way to a bench off to the side of the park where they could still see the kids. Harvey took a seat and set his cane beside him, but Shane only leaned against the arm rest of the bench, arms crossed. Harvey got the distinct feeling the suggestion of sitting had been solely for his sake.

“So,” Shane started, glaring off into the distance as he ran a hand through his hair, messing it up. He looked over at Harvey, and he was struck by the thought that it strangely suited him, looking slightly unkempt. 

“So?” Harvey parroted back, motioning for Shane to continue. The man sighed again, like he was in physical pain, and leaned closer. The kids were far off, but he clearly didn’t want to be overheard.

“The Jodi situation has settled, kind of. She’s- God she’s such a bitch! She knows she can’t split them up since they’re the only two kids in the town, and they go to school together, so she said it’s fine if they hang out as long as we don’t push our culture on her son.” He sneered as he said those last words.

“Ah…” Harvey sighs, leaning towards Shane, keeping his voice hushed. Lots of people in the city had been ignorant about Gotoroan culture. Hateful even, after the war had started. As someone who had spent time in Gotoro during the war treating wounded, it was tiring to hear people who had no idea what they were talking about spewing bullshit about people they’d never met or could never understand. “Jodi’s husband is currently serving in Gotoro, isn’t he?”

“Yeah. I heard something about that. It doesn’t excuse it, how she's treating her. How everyone in that fucking city treated her mother, even before the war.” Shane watched the little girl with sadness and anger in his eyes.

“It’s not an excuse, just an explanation.” Harvey shrugged, frowning. “People are ignorant. And angry, and they take things personally during the war. They look for people to blame, and Gotoroan people living in the city are the closest and easiest target. Most people don’t know what’s really going on over there, just that the death count increases by the thousands every week.” He pauses for a moment before saying, “It’s not fair to her to have to grow up around this.”

“It’s not!” Shane glanced at Jas again, leaning closer to Harvey. “I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it! How do I protect her from this? Even if I somehow took her to Gotoro she’d be half Ferngill. I-“ Shane looked away for a second, then his eyes were back on Harvey. “I wasn’t supposed to have to do this alone.”

“You don’t have to.” Harvey says, and then catches himself.

A little forward, don’t you think?

He stammers, “I mean, we could talk about it during her next session. It would make sense to mention the conflict with Jodi and Vincent, and I have a unique perspective on the war and… I’ve been to Gotoro.”

“The war… I think Jas knows about it, she has to, but we never talked about it. I never wanted to be the one to tell her why people treated her differently. Iris wanted to be the one to help her through it.” Shane's eyes fell. “But she’d love to hear about Gotoro. She asks a lot, but I never went and only could repeat Iris’s stories.”

“It’s a beautiful place, despite everything going on there. And racism is something she’d run into and have to experience down the line either way, unfortunately. I can help explain it to her. So she knows that they’re just…” He trails off, looking over at Shane with a smile. “Fucking idiots.” 

Shane blinked at him, caught off guard, before a smile broke through the grief that had settled there. “Language! I didn’t know you knew how to curse like that, Doc.”

Harvey kicked Shane’s shoe playfully. “I was in the military. I used to swear like a sailor.”

Shane laughed. “I suppose that makes sense, still hard to picture.” His messy hair brushing against Harvey’s ear as Shane ducks his head with another laugh. Harvey can’t help but laugh too.

He couldn’t believe that Shane was actually speaking to him. In full sentences, fully sober. He didn’t want it to end. 

Once their laughs faded, he asked, “So Jodi talked with you about the whole situation?”

Shane’s good mood soured a bit.

“She talked to Marnie, didn’t say shit to me. Vincent’s not allowed at our place without Jodi there, and I made the rule Jas can’t be at Vincent’s alone either.”

“Probably a safe bet, with the way she seems to feel.” Harvey looks up at the kids, and realizes they’re having a disagreement over who was on the slide first. Jas has her fists clenched, and is snapping angry words towards Vincent as Penny stands between them.

Before Shane and Harvey can even react, Penny has them apologizing and taking turns again. 

Harvey raises his eyebrows. “Well that was impressive… I thought Jas was going to lose it there, for a second.”

“Penny is really good with her. I don’t know how she does it, but she manages to avoid Jas’s tantrums easily.” Shane winced, as if recalling something painful. “I don’t mind her, she’s good for Jas to be around. I managed to get to her before Jodi did to tell her the whole situation.” 

“What did Penny say about it?” Harvey says, leaning back to look up at Shane’s expression.

“She was mad, she doesn’t hide that well even when she tries to. She thanked me for letting her know, but I saw more of her personality in that moment than I had all the years we were here. She’ll look out for her, and she said she’d keep communication open about not letting Jas lose her culture.”

“Penny seems like a really good resource for Jas, I’m glad that she’s so supportive. And clearly very good at her job.” Harvey sees Vincent pushing Jas on the swing set, like the previous conflict never happened.

“It’s… It’s been good to see Jas build a village. Even in Zuzu, with Joel and Iris and all the people who loved them, we were alone after. Seeing people care about her is- it’s worth coming here.”

Not ‘their’ village, Jas’s village. An interesting distinction. And Iris and Joel were the ones that had people to love them. The thought leaves Harvey at a loss for words. 

“I’m trying to keep this all, I don’t know, together for her.” He let out a bitter, tired laugh. “I have no idea what I’m doing, especially now that Jodi apparently hates Gotoros, but I’m trying.” He smiles a weak, brittle smile down at Harvey. “She’s worth it.”

Harvey nods. “You're doing all that you can, and she's doing well.” He sits back, crossing his legs, hugging his clipboard to his chest. “Obviously she has some things to improve on, the anger, the nightmares-” He trails off and looks over at Shane. “But she has a safe place, a safe person. She laughs! She's doing better than one would expect, in her shoes. You're doing right by her.” 

“It doesn’t feel like enough yet, somehow. But it’s something. And that’s better than nothing.” Shane rubbed a hand over his face, sighing as he looked back up at his little girl.

Harvey looks at Shane, studying his expression as he watches Jas with Vincent and Penny. He looked exhausted. Full of love and adoration, but tired. 

“How are you doing, Shane?”

Shane looked a little taken aback by the question. “That depends Doc, you askin’ as a therapist, or as a friend?”

Harvey rolls his eyes. “As a friend. I don’t need any more paperwork.” 

Shane laughed at that, and Harvey got to watch the wall that had come up at the question lower. “It, uh, depends on the day. Lately I’ve been…okay, I think. Better than before. More memories, sleep is shit, but for some reason it, I don’t know, it’s not so hard.”

“Well, whatever it is, keep it up!” Harvey smiles, and he finds himself thinking about how grateful he is to have met Shane and Jas. He probably wouldn’t have anyone to keep him company other than Maru if it weren’t for them. And surprisingly, Shane wasn’t bad company either.

“Once I figure it out I will.” Shane bumped their shoulders again before his eyes went back to following Jas. She looked happy, and Shane looked relieved. His eyes flicked back to Harvey, and his gaze was searching. “What about you?”

He raised an eyebrow, “What about me?”

Shane didn’t look impressed. “How are you doing? And none of that fine and dandy shit, honestly, how are you doing?”

Harvey can’t help but laugh a little at that, “I don’t know,” He looks out at Jas, horsing around with Vincent. “I haven’t really thought about it, I guess.” When he sees the look on Shane’s face he adds, “Yeah, yeah. The therapist can’t place his emotions. Very pathetic, I know.”

“Not pathetic, I don’t think. Maybe you should work on that though, we can get you your very own shiny feelings chart.” Shane grinned sharply. 

Harvey bumped Shane’s shoulder, causing him to stagger off of the arm of the bench. They both laughed for a moment before Harvey sighed. 

“I guess I’m tired,” Harvey said, looking up at Shane, as he found his seat back on the arm of the bench just beside him. “Haven’t been sleeping well. But the coffee has been a life saver, so I thank you for that.”

Shane winced at the mention of sleep trouble. “Amen to that. Nightmares? -You don’t have to answer, god knows I don’t like talking about mine.”

“Guess it’s not just Jas, huh?” Harvey chuckles bitterly, “Sometimes it’s nightmares, sometimes it’s just this… feeling. Like I wake up, and none of it ever happened. Or it never stopped happening.” He shudders a bit.

And then he realizes he’s never actually spoken about it with anyone. 

When Harvey was discharged from the military, he saw the required medical team and got his required treatment, and he went on his way. He didn’t ever really verbalize what had happened, except once. 

When he got back home, he walked up the front steps of his house. It had been months since he was officially discharged, but the healing had taken longer than expected, Harvey wasn’t exactly a star patient. He remembers the look on his parents’ faces when they opened the door. There was no welcome party for him.

“-arvey? You okay there, Doc?” Hands hovered in Harvey's vision, but Shane didn’t touch him.

Harvey shook his head and hurriedly looked down at his clipboard. “Sorry, I was… miles away.” He smiles, “I’m okay though, thank you.”

“Don’t apologize. I get it. Welcome back to earth, Space Man.” Shane had some concern in his eyes, but there was also understanding there.

Harvey only smiles, letting his head hang a second before laughing and looking at Shane. “You’re much better at nicknames than I am.”

Shane grins, and there’s an echo of sadness. “I had a lot of practice.”

“How about Sourdough?” He raises his eyebrows up and down, holding back another laugh. “Because you’re so sour.”

“Better.” Shane relented. “Still not great, but better.”

“Hold on, I had a few I thought of.” He sits back again, closing his eyes to think. 

“Oh, joy.”

“Frownzilla.” 

Shane snorted loudly, head whipping around to stare at Harvey. “Fucking- Frownzilla?? Are you Jas? That’s horrible!” He started to laugh even as he scolded Harvey.

Harvey threw his head back and laughed. “That’s not a bad idea- I’ll ask Jas to help me come up with some really heinous ones. She knows how to hit you right in the gut. Or in my case, the crippled leg!” He laughs even harder.

“Oh dear, can’t wait.” Shane groaned, voice flat and full of dread. He was smiling despite it.

Jas eventually ran up to them at the bench, “Penny has to bring Vincent home now.” She was panting as she waved them goodbye, and sat down on the bench next to Harvey. She grinned as she said with a short wheeze, “What’re you laughing about?”

“Nothing much, Jazzy. Just your awesome nick naming skills.” Shane was watching her closely, and he was slightly tense.

When she nodded and looked down, focusing on her breathing a moment, Harvey noticed how shallow it was getting. “You feeling okay, Jas?” 

“Mhm, I was getting really tired anyway-” She managed with a cough. 

After she let out the air with the cough, the sound she made was awful. Like a sharp whistling wheeze, and then silence. 

“Jas?” Shane sounded panicked as he rounded the bench to kneel in front of her. “Where’s your bag?” 

“D-dunno. Set it down.” Jas wheezed, craning her neck to look around the playground. Shane’s eyes went wide as he began to pat his pockets.

“I have inhalers at the clinic.” Harvey says, also bending down to Jas’s level. “I’m going to go get one right now-”

“Wait!” Shane pulled something from his shorts pocket. “I have one. Her backup, It’s older but it should still work. Jas- can you-" He was breathing heavily himself as he looked at Jas, holding one hand over his chest. "Fuck-!"

I swear to Yoba, if they both have an asthma attack right now… 

Harvey gently took the inhaler from Shane’s hand and removed the cover. “Two puffs and you’ll be all better,” He held it up to Jas, and administered the first puff. 

He made eye contact with Shane, making sure he wasn’t about to pass out too. He might be able to get an unconscious Jas back to the clinic, but not Shane. He looked like he was going to be sick, not like he'd lose consciousness. “One more, Jas.” 

When she took the second puff, she took a sharp breath in. And then another breath in. Not a full breath, but more than she was getting before. Enough that Harvey knew she was going to be okay. 

Harvey let out a shaky breath and said, “Maybe no more running during therapy?”

Jas gave him a tired smile and a nod before he saw the sparkle return to her eyes, “Just not so much.” The firecracker appeared again before him, “I’m still gonna run!” 

Shane sighed like he expected that, and his breathing had leveled out to where Harvey wasn’t as worried anymore. He looked at Harvey, and there was pure gratitude in his eyes.

“Thanks Doc.”

-

Harvey brought up his plan to have the next therapy session on a trail walk a few days before when Shane was dropping off coffee. It wasn't surprising, but the heads up was nice.

Wednesday morning he made sure Jas was in sensible shoes and overalls, tucking a can of tick spray in her bag along with her sticker covered water bottle. He didn’t change his outfit, it probably wouldn’t be much more than his usual commute.

When they arrived Harvey explained his plan for a walk to Jas.

“Walk.” Harvey stressed with a smile that was a tad tight. “A stroll, even.”

“Okay!” Jas eagerly agreed, and Shane didn’t believe her one bit. He pulled her inhaler from his pocket to show Harvey, giving it a little shake before tucking it away again. She also had her main inhaler in her backpack, he’d double checked immediately after last week’s session, but he liked having one easily within reach. 

Technically the inhaler he carried was prescribed to him, but he only used it as Jas’s backup. His lungs were arguably more fucked up than hers, and he caught bronchitis every time the weather got the slightest bit chilly, but he always worried it would run out of uses at the wrong time.

He reluctantly peeled off his jacket as they stepped back into the beating sun. He was tempted to take his polo off as well, but that would leave him in only his long sleeve shirt. He didn’t like only having one barrier between his skin and the world.

Harvey eyed the long sleeves but didn’t say anything. Shane had shown him why they were necessary back at the dock, even if he clearly was concerned about the layers on such a hot day. 

Shane watched as the doctor grabbed an honest to god fanny pack from behind the counter and checked over the two water bottles and several granola bars that were inside. 

“Is that a fanny pack?” Shane stared as Harvey confidently put it on so it was forward facing.

“It’s practical! Much easier than a backpack.”

“You look fucking stupid.” Shane snorted behind his fist as he looked the doctor up and down. The man was wearing a button up as usual, but the professional image was ruined by his khaki knee length shorts. What made it worse was the knee socks the doctor was wearing so only a tiny bit of his skinny legs could actually be seen. He didn’t seem to care about the visible scars on his right leg, pink and raised against pale skin. Shane wondered what that was like, being so confident in marred skin.

 Anyways, he looked fucking ridiculous.

“I think you look great, Mister Harvey.” Jas said sweetly, giving Shane a smirk.

“Why, thank you Jas! You have excellent manners!” Harvey smiled down at her, missing the mischief in her eyes.

Jas smiled evilly. Normally when she looked like her mom it made Shane grieve, but when she had this look, like the true chaos of Iris, he was only wary. 

“You hear that? I have ‘excellent manners’!” 

“You’re also a kiss-ass.” Shane knew he wasn’t supposed to curse around the kid, especially at her, but she knew exactly what she was doing.

“Nice…manners, Shane.” Harvey said flatly, giving him a look.

“Harvey likes me better because I’m nice and don’t use potty words.” Jas tilted her chin up proudly, smug little shit.

“I do like her better.” Harvey agreed way too easily. Jas giggled, holding her fist out to him. He stared at it for a moment before slowly raising his fist to bump against hers.

“That sucked. We’ll work on that.” Jas told the doctor.

Shane glared at his kid, who smiled widely back. Normally when she pulled this he’d give her a three second head start before chasing her down and flipping her upside down to shake the stuffing out of her. Yet, her asthma attack recently had put him off from letting her exert herself. She’d definitely noticed, she was too smart not to.

“Lead the way, suck up.” He motioned towards the clinic door.

Jas stuck her tongue out at him and turned on her heel. Her mother would have flipped him the double bird along with it, so he was more fond than mad.

“I’ve been meaning to walk the trails, this is a wonderful excuse. I even printed a map!” Harvey lifted the paper on his clipboard to reveal a map printed on copy paper with highlighted routes. It didn’t help Shane’s perception of him as a total nerd.

“Marnie took me down those ones when I was a kid, this one’s too hard for Jas right now, but the path down the river is pretty easy.” Shane ran his finger down a path. As long as those rickety little bridges had been maintained, it wouldn’t be too bad.

Harvey eyed him curiously as they started off, falling into step beside Shane with Jas exploring ahead of them. Occasionally Shane would say a sharp word to adjust her course, but she was having a blast using a stick she’d picked up to wack things. 

They were passing that girl Leah’s cabin when Harvey finally asked, “You lived here as a kid?”

“Visited. Just one summer when I was like ten.” Shane didn’t mind telling Harvey things anymore. There were still many things he would keep to himself, but Harvey was… Shane hated words like ‘safe’, but that was as fitting of a word as any. Harvey wasn’t nosy, didn’t push him to share shit, just listened and shared his own. Well, some of his own.

Maybe, as disgusting as the thought was, Shane had missed talking to people.

“My dad was sick of my ‘attitude’, thought a summer of labor would make me less difficult or something.” Shane didn’t like talking about Sheamus Callahan, didn’t like wasting precious breath on the man, but he’d been the biggest factor in Shane getting shipped off at ten years old. 

“Did it?” Harvey eyed him curiously.

“Honestly, made me worse. I put Marnie through hell the first three weeks, and then she put me in charge of the chicken coop. Never been happier.” Marnie had been so patient through the tantrums, never returning his anger, never showing that she had the Ol’ Callahan spark in her as well. She’d managed to turn him into a hard worker by the time the summer was up.

But after that summer she’d finally started to push back about the state Shane came to her in, about how frail he was, about the marks, about the flinching. 

Then suddenly Shane wasn’t allowed to talk about Aunt Marnie anymore, and he never got to have a summer away from home the rest of his childhood.

“That’s, uh,” Shane watched Jas kneel by a fallen tree and dig a magnifying glass from her bag to watch the ants. He leaned closer to Harvey. “That’s why I chose this place. Didn’t have many options to pick from, but I knew Marnie couldn’t make her worse. If she’d handled me as a kid, she could probably handle Jas.”

“Jas loves her.” Harvey watched Jas with a smile, and Shane wondered if he knew Jas loved him too.

“Yeah, she does. Marnie was a big help when we first got here.” When Shane was still effectively useless and looked like a walking corpse, she’d bonded with Jas and taken over her basic needs. “I should probably thank her for that sometime.”

They watched as Jas’s interest was stolen once again and she was back to walking along the trail, this time using her magnifying glass to examine every tree and leaf. They followed sedately behind her.

“I guess you’ve been a big help too, so, uh, thanks for that. Loser.” 

Harvey’s eyes brows shot up, and a wide smile crossed his face. “Was that a thank you from the Shane? I didn’t know you were capable of those!” 

“Suck a dick, Harvey.”

“Language!” Jas yelled from where she was examining a maple leaf. Huh, she had pretty good hearing.

Shane glanced at Harvey, who had flushed a bit. The doctor looked up at the sky, ignoring Shane waving near his face.

“You that embarrassed about a little dick joke Doc? Or-“ Shane was cut off by the doctor gasping and pointing through a break in the trees.

“Yoba… That’s a biplane!” Harvey ignored him as he put a hand over his mouth, “It’s incredible! They don’t make them like that anymore, they really only fly them these days for air shows and aerobatics.” 

Sure enough there was a plan visible in the sky above them, small against the expanse of blue.

Harvey smiled then, a real, unapologetic thing. It was the kind of smile that made one want to ask more, just to keep it there. “The first airplane was a biplane, did you know that?”

“…I didn’t.” Shane had stopped looking at the plane, studying the joy on Harvey’s face. 

Jas ran up to see, and Harvey crouched down beside her to point out the plane passing overhead. He was quietly telling her facts about it as she asked every passing thought of hers, and Shane just watched.

Even before the fire he’d been overprotective of Jas, but after, he’d had a physical reaction to anyone but him being near her. Even with Marnie at first, when he was pushing all the care on to her, he’d been anxious about her being near Jas.

Maybe that anxiety was fading, or maybe Harvey just was the kind of person that could be trusted with precious things.

Jas frowned as the plane disappeared behind the canopy of leaves above their heads. “Where'd it go?”

Harvey sounded like a dying animal as he used his cane for support to return to a standing position. “There's a small airport just outside of the valley that's privately owned, they probably went back to their hangar!”

“Cool!” Jas waved her hand at the sky before grabbing both of Harvey’s hands and trying to pull him further down the trail, making him nearly fall as he dropped his cane.

“Jasmine!” Shane really didn’t want to carry the guy out of the trails if Jas managed to break his ankle.

Shane grabbed the discarded cane and jogged to keep up as Jas dragged Harvey down the trail. Harvey was keeping up with the child, but his gait was uneven.

“Jas! Let him go!” Shane’s voice was a lot more firm, and Jas stopped. She pouted, dropping the doctor’s hands and crossing her arms.

“I had him, he was walking just fine!” 

“Jas, he isn’t a damn toddler. Let the man use his cane!”

Harvey laughed, accepting his cane back from Shane. “I’m fine! I can walk without it, just not… well.” 

“Well, if you fall, you take Little Miss down with you, and I have to carry both of you back.”

Harvey grinned at him. “I think you’d manage.”

Shane allowed himself to laugh at that, at the smallest hint of belief in that joke. “Back when I played professionally I definitely could have carried you two string beans across the whole valley, but those days are long gone.” He might be able to do it if there was no other choice, but he was hardly in shape these days. 

It was easy to banter as they continued along the trail. Jas had discovered a feather from a blue jay and had tucked it into her hair, and was now on the hunt for more. 

“So…” Shane walked with his hands in his pockets at the doctor’s pace. “Planes, huh?”

Harvey brightened at the topic, eyes gaining a spark and a smile curling at the corners of his mouth. A traitorous part of Shane’s brain wanted to say he shined like Joel had, or smiled like Iris, but Shane had realized a while ago that Harvey just…was. He didn’t echo like Jas had, even when he did familiar things or laughed the same way his long lost friends had. It was a startling revelation, to have a friend that he wasn’t constantly comparing to them.

“I loved airplanes when I was a kid- I used to build model planes with my dad, it was our thing. Going to air shows and listening to the radio, reading about the history of aviation, it was something we just… loved.” Harvey spoke with so much reverence, so much love.

He smiled, but there was a sadness to his eyes as they shined up at the sky. “He used to say, ‘Eyes on the sky, Harv.’ You can do anything you want to do.” He chuckles, “Except fly. He gave me his bad vision, unfortunately.”

“Have you ever flown before?” Shane asked, genuinely curious.

“Not recreationally. I got shipped around a lot when I was in the service, but there wasn’t much time for commercial flights after my discharge. I, uh,” Harvey laughed wryly, rubbing the back of his neck. “I also happen to be terrified of heights.”

“No fucking way! I thought all you tall people liked heights!”

“Shane, I am barely six feet, and that’s not how that works.”

Shane shrugged, everyone over 5’11 was tall to him. “Could have fooled me.”

Jas yelled loudly as she discovered a butterfly, and was trying (and failing) to catch it. 

“Your parents still in Zuzu?” Shane wasn’t sure why he asked, maybe to solve the mystery Harvey was slowly becoming. 

“No, my dad passed recently.” Harvey said, slowing down a little. His voice was solemn, full of pain like it had just happened yesterday. Shit, Shane really hoped it didn't happen yesterday.

“Oh, I’m sorry, man. That’s rough.” What was he supposed to say to that? “How’s your mom?”

“She passed when I was a kid.” Harvey gave him a sad smile. “It's alright, parents aren't supposed to outlive their kids.” 

Shane could tell that there was a lot more to the story than Harvey was letting on, but pushing it here during Jas’s therapy session probably wasn't the best idea. Harvey was good to talk to, and sure, he shared his own experiences now and then, but realistically, Harvey hadn't given any details away about his own shitty experiences. 

It was kind of shocking to Shane that he himself was the more open one for the first time in his life. 

After a beat, he decided to bring it back to Jas. That's what they were here for, after all. “She's been sleeping better lately.”

Harvey looked relieved at that, which Shane could understand. Both of them had probably gotten grey hair by now worrying out this kid.

“That’s wonderful! I’ve noticed she’s looking much healthier.” She didn’t have bags under her eyes or the tired ruffle to her anymore, she looked like any other happy kid.

Of course, he’d been fooled before. He hadn’t even realized she was having nightmares again until recently, but Shane had been checking in on her at night to soothe his worries. She hadn’t climbed into bed with him recently, which was hopefully a sign for the better. 

As for Shane, his nightmares had never stopped. They’d become less intense, and a walk around the ranch at whatever early hour he woke up had helped more than a beer recently. 

He’d been drinking less lately. Not necessarily on purpose, but because he hadn’t felt the need to. He liked getting home before Jas fell asleep those days, so two beers and some conversation had been enough.

It felt… He wasn’t sure how to describe it, but it felt like he was balancing on a tightrope, and the wind was just starting to blow. Like any wrong step would destroy all the progress they’d made.

“I found a snail!” Jas screamed from ahead of them, holding a snail by the shell as she stood up. “I wanna bring it back for Vincent!”

Shane snorted, remembering all the bugs and critters he’d brought back to Marnie that summer. She’d forced him to let them all go, but that hadn’t stopped him from terrorizing the younger kids with them. Maybe that was another reason they all hated him as adults.

Harvey glanced at Shane before leaning on his cane to be closer to Jas’s level.

“You didn’t bring a terrarium with you, Jas, and it’s a long walk back. We wouldn’t want to hurt him, would we?”

Jas looked down at the snail, a frown on her face. “…no. I’d feel bad if I hurt him.”

“Then why don’t we put him back where he belongs and next time we’ll bring a container so you can show Vincent?” 

A smile broke through Jas’s sad expression and she nodded, walking back to the leaf litter she’d found the snail in and kneeled down to let it go. She talked to it as she did, telling it she’d bring it to see Vincent next time.

“You’re good with her.” Shane said before he could think too much about it. It was a little surprising a man like Harvey hadn’t settled down and had kids of his own by now.

“She’s easy to be good with. She’s a good kid.” Harvey smiled fondly at Jas as she covered the snail back up and stood with a jump.

Shane had to agree, she was a damn good kid.

They walked a little further, crossing one of the dangerous plank bridges and reaching a less trafficked area. It hadn’t changed much in 20 years.

“Come get some water, Jas.” Shane pulled the sparkly purple backpack that had found its way on his shoulders, but Harvey had already pulled a water bottle from his fanny pack and was offering it to Jas along with a granola bar. Shane raised an eyebrow, but let it be. 

Jas chatted in between sips of water, pointing out the spring onions growing in the patch and telling them how her and Vincent would pick them to bring home.

“Penny brings you two all the way down here?” Shane asked. It was pretty out of the way for a field trip.

Jas looked away, taking a bite of her granola bar and muttering around it. “Sometimes.”

Shane narrowed his eyes, but before he could press a water bottle appeared in front of his eyes.

“You should drink too, you have to be sweating in that.” Harvey eyed his layered outfit. Shane definitely was sweating, but he wasn’t about to admit that.

“Thanks.” He grabbed the water bottle and took a sip. He probably should have brought his own and not just Jas’s sparkly water bottle, but trust Harvey to have it covered. Maybe it was a doctor thing, or maybe just a Harvey thing.

“Did you bring another water bottle for yourself?” Shane eyed the man’s pack.

“Of course I-“ Harvey reached into the pack, only to come out with a hand of granola bars.

“Wow, so prepared! I’ll share with Jas, it’s fine-“ He looked over at the girl, who was sheepishly holding an empty water bottle. “…or not.” He muttered fondly. “Damn, child.”

“I was thirsty! I can share my other water!” 

Shane pulled the purple metal water bottle covered in glittery stickers and winced.

“I think this one’s all yours, baby girl.” He tossed the bottle at her, proud as she managed to catch it. They hadn’t really played catch since before the fire, but she’d always been amazing at catch. She’d been his little linebacker once, and he’d always tease Joel that his daughter managed to have more skill at Gridballs than he did even at three.

“Here, you can have the rest.” He shook the bottle invitingly. Harvey didn’t move to take it. “What, scared I’ll give you cooties, Doc?”

Harvey scoffed, taking the water bottle. “We’ll share the rest, and I’m sure my immune system is stronger than your ‘cooties’.” 

Shane just laughed and accepted the bottle back after a moment. They passed it between them as they started the walk again, Jas leading them vaguely in the direction out of the woods. Shane occasionally corrected her course, but he’d played enough in these woods to know the basic layout. Then again, it had been almost twenty years since then.

The sky had turned golden as they walked back, filtering down through the leaves. Jas had her water bottle in one hand and her stick in the other, still whacking every tree they passed. She was clearly starting to flag, feet dragging and hitting with far less force.

Harvey noticed, because of course he did. “Do you need a break, Jas?” His voice was gentle.

Jas rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand, dropping her stick and frowning down at it “No! I’m okay, jus’ a little tired!” 

She walked between them for a few moments before she started to lean heavily into Shane’s side. She glanced up at him.

“Shane? Can you…” She started to ask a question, then forced her mouth closed and looked at the ground. “…nevermind.”

Shane knew what she wanted, knew that look.

They used to go on walks a lot as a family. Iris loved nature and on the very outskirts of the city there were a few trails. Iris called it ‘escaping from the craziness’ and insisted they walk a few mornings a week. 

It had started when Jas was a tiny baby strapped to one of their chests, then with her in a stroller, and eventually walking beside them. It always ended the same. She’d tug on Joel or his pant legs and ask for uppies, and she’d get a piggy back ride to the car. Iris loved to demand the same from whoever Jas didn’t pick and make them race. 

He’d picked her up a lot even after the fire, back when she was small and scared. It had been hard on his body, but he’d needed to be that barrier. Even so, he never carried her on his back.

He sighed, closing his eyes and steeling his nerves.

“Do you want a piggy back ride?”

Jas’s head snapped up, eyes wide. “Really? What about your-“

“Do you want it or not?” He tried not to snap, but it came out a little irritated.

She nodded eagerly, and he kneeled down. 

His breath caught as she clambered onto his back, winding her arms around his neck while her legs hung as his sides. He stood up with a grunt. She wasn’t heavy, not compared to her mother who used to climb onto his or Joel’s shoulders to better see the sky, but it had been a while.

He held her legs and focused on feeling her breathe against his back as she rested her head on his shoulder. 

“God, you’re getting heavy!” He lied with a dramatic groan.

“Am not! You’re just getting old!” She yelled in his ear, and he could hear her pout.

“You are getting quite old for piggy back rides, Shane.” Harvey teased, eyes sparkling.

Shane flipped him off low enough that Jas couldn’t see it, sticking out his tongue for good measure.

They walked back, the forest around them bathed in the settling sun. Part of Shane wanted to panic at the way the orange lit the trees, but he just held Jas’s legs and breathed through the little bursts of panic.

“She fell asleep.” Harvey pointed out, and sure enough she had. She was slack against his back, breathing slowly with her little face tucked into his neck.

“Guess the walk tired her out.” Shane leaned forward to keep her from slipping down his back as her grip on his neck loosened.

“She and I both!” Harvey grinned, wiping sweat from his brow. “I haven’t got this much exercise in a while!” 

“I have a two hour walk to work every morning, this is nothing.” Shane didn’t mind walking, he liked it. It reminded him of better times that didn’t ache so much to remember. “Back when I played professionally Joel and I woke up every day at 5 for a two mile run.” Shane shook his head with a fond smile. “Of course Joel was a computer programmer by then, but he still liked a good jog.”

“You mentioned that earlier. What did you play?”

“Oh! Uh, Gridball. I was on a really good varsity team and was drafted into a really good team after college, but I only saw a few major games.” He’d been amazing at Gridball, better than he’d been at anything else in his life. That had burned up in the fire along with everything else.

Harvey seemed to sense why he had given up on the game, so he didn’t ask why he’d stopped. Instead he asked a few questions about what playing a sport professionally was like, and Shane got to answer him. 

“I’ll show you a Tunnelers game sometime. They’re the real deal!” Shane couldn’t help the slight excitement when talking about his favorite team, the team he’d once been a part of in another life.

Harvey smiled at him. “I’d like that.”

Shane felt something in his chest tighten at the sight. It wasn’t a bad feeling, almost familiar. Like when he’d first realized Joel actually wanted to be around him, yet different and uniquely Harvey.

They emerged from the woods just as the orange in the sky had shifted into pinks and reds, the sun low on the trees of the forest.

“Jazzy,” Shane tapped the little girl’s leg, hearing her whine in his ear. “Honey, we’re back home. You need to eat before bed.” 

He kneeled down, helping her get her feet under her before he stood. She sagged against him, face pressed to his pant leg.

“It was nice spending time with you today, Jas!” Harvey waved at her, getting a smile as she shook the sleep off. She still looked tired, but her normal spark of chaos had returned.

“I had fun too, Dr. Harvey! I thought Uncle Shane would have to carry you out, not me!” 

“Because I’m a cripple?” Harvey asked, not an ounce of surprise on his face.

Jas just grinned triumphantly.

Harvey sighed fondly, unzipping his fanny pack and reaching into it. “Since you did such a good job today, I brought a few stickers to pick from.”

He held out three stickers. A unicorn, a superhero, and a kitten. She agonized over the choice, slowly grabbing the unicorn from the pile.

“It’s cool cause it’s a horse with a horn on its head so it can stab things!”

“That’s…great Jas.” Harvey winced slightly before his smile returned and he met Jas’s eyes. “Now where on my cane will this one go?”

Both Shane and Jas’s eyes went wide, flying to the cane the doctor was leaning on. It was still covered in several stickers from past sessions. Shane probably should have realized he noticed by now.

“Uh… here. Next to the Pegasus.” Jas said slowly, peeling the sticker off and sticking it next to the winged horse. She had turned beet red at being caught, it was adorable.

“I’ll see you around, Harvey. I’m in charge of dinner tonight or I’d walk you back.”

“I can manage.” Harvey sent him a confident smile. “I think we’ll all sleep good tonight.”

Harvey looked…ruffled. 

It wasn’t a bad look, not like Shane looked on an average day, but he looked less put together than usual. He looked real, human, imperfect. The time spent in the sun had made his cheeks and the tips of his ears slightly pink, sweat clinging to his temples and a few loose curls falling in his eyes.

His shirt was undone at the collar, a few buttons open and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows to show off deceptively strong forearms. 

He looked-

“Peppers poppers! Peppers poppers!” Jas had started to yell, tugging on Shane’s sleeve and trying to drag him into the house. “You’ll see Mr. Doctor later, stop being boring!”

Shane easily reached down to grab her around her middle and throw her over his shoulder as she shrieked and kicked.

“You heard the lady. See you around, Ace.” He gave a surely slipped two fingered salute and turned on his heel, heading inside the ranch.

Jas didn’t show a single sign of being tired as she followed him around the kitchen the entire time he made dinner, his own personal cheer squad. He wondered if Harvey liked spice, he should ask sometime.

Chapter Text

“Yesterday, and days before
Sun is cold and rain is hard
I know, been that way for all my time
'Til forever, on it goes
Through the circle, fast and slow
I know, it can't stop.”

Have You Ever Seen the Rain, CCR

Harvey usually sat at the bar or an interior table facing away from the windows. The circular table to the left upon entering is near a jukebox- perfect for drowning out that noisy rain outside. 

He brought a flight manual with him today, and looks to his table. Hearing the storm start to pick up behind him gives him a shudder, but soft music piping up from the jukebox eases his nerves. The song that begins to play reminds him of home. 

I can wait out this storm just as well as any- a little rain never hurt anyone. Especially when they couldn’t even hear it. As long as it quits in time for the Saloon to close, and for me to get home, I'll be fine.

He sits down in a stool facing the bar, placing the windows behind him. Out of sight, out of mind. He placed the manual he’d been carrying down on the table, and rested his head in one of his hands, rubbing his eyes for a moment. 

He was exhausted. It was already getting late, he realized as he pulled his face away from his hand, catching his watch for a moment. 

20:08.

At this rate, the rain wouldn’t stop before he had to walk home. He sighed, and went to open his book when a hand placed on the cover stops him. He jumps, looking up to see Shane standing beside the table. 

Shane gives him a smirk and with a raised eyebrow says, “I would have never expected to run into the good doctor at the local bar!” 

Harvey laughed at that and sat back, letting go the idea of reading his book he’d brought with him. “I’m not on call, what’s the harm?” 

You really think you can play this off like you came here to drink? Really?

He sighs, “I don’t drink much, but I do love a good glass of wine.”

Shane laughed, “You drank enough that night on the dock, I knew you could put down a drink or two.” He sat down on the chair across the table from Harvey, facing the windows. “Though, I did figure your bedtime was earlier than this. What gives?”

Before Harvey could come up with a lie to explain why he was here, Gus sat a cup between the two of them. A fresh cup of coffee. 

Then, he sat a pint of beer in front of Shane with a knowing look. “Nice to see ya Shane,” He says with a genuine smile, and then looks to Harvey. “I knew you’d be around tonight, with the rain and all, so I put on a fresh pot for ya!” He gave them a nod and went back towards the bar.

And with that, Harvey was a whole new shade of red. 

Thanks a lot, Gus.

“Coffee at this time of night, Doc?” 

Harvey takes a sip of the smoldering hot coffee and lets the warm cup busy his hands. “Gus calls ‘em like he sees ‘em.”

Shane raised his pint of beer he hadn’t ordered in response. “Sure does.”

That brings a chuckle from Harvey, and he realizes he’s grateful. Grateful for the companionship, and for the fact that Shane wouldn’t likely care that he was hiding from his fears in the bar. That was probably what Shane was doing too, after all. 

“I don’t like the rain. Gus picked up on it the second time I came in to distract myself.” He nods towards the windows. “Is it new for him to draw the blinds? The first two times I came in they were up.”

Shane chuckles too, taking a long drink. “They’re never drawn. Must be a Harvey special.” 

Oh, to be known. How awful. 

“He doesn’t have to do all of that.” Though he can’t help but smile. Gus was a really nice guy. 

“So, even when you’re facing away from the windows with the curtains drawn, you’re still sitting in the loudest place in the house.” He tilts his head towards the jukebox. 

“I don’t usually do much talking, so it hasn’t mattered much.” He shrugged. “Where do you normally sit?”

Shane held up his pint to the bar. “Drinks come quicker that way. Plus, Emily is sort of a friend of mine.”

Harvey raised his eyebrows at that. “You’re friends with crystal girl Emily?”

He laughed. “Well, at least I have friends.” He pauses and then gestures to himself. “You clearly have terrible taste in friends.” 

Nice save, Harvey thinks. Though, he had run into Elliot a few times, and that was enough to call him a friend. He was nice to talk to, he supposed.

. . . 

“What are you writing about?” Elliot asked, sitting on the chair beside Harvey. “I’m something of a writer myself.” He peered down over his wine glass to see that Harvey hadn’t been writing at all.

He was anxious. The rain dredged up the past he’d rather forget. When he wanted to take his mind off of things like that, he’d read his flight manuals. 

Though, he’d decided to come here as a spur of the moment decision. It was starting to rain, and he was dreading the idea of being alone. Again, hiding from the storm. Taking a pill to chill out and risking a noise complaint when he turned up his music loud enough to drown it out, praying that he wouldn’t lose power. He didn’t have his flight manuals with him, in any case.

But that didn’t stop them from being his coping mechanism, or his go-to distraction. So, he was drawing blueprints in his notebook. From memory, because he was a freak. He hastily closed the book.

“I’m not much of a writer, I’m sorry.” He gave him an awkward smile.

Elliot nodded knowingly. “An artist then. Modest, considering the intricacy of your work.”

Harvey’s face burned as he spoke. 

“Much like an artist to be private- I’ll leave you be.” He leaned back in his chair, and Harvey let out a sigh of relief. Elliot twirled his wine glass and took a sip. 

“About the drawings.” he added, his voice poured like honey, low and deliberate. “Tell me your story.”

“W-what story?” Harvey stammered, tucking away his notebook. 

“What brought you to the valley? A well educated and handsome man such as yourself left everything behind.”

Harvey can’t help but wonder if Elliot is coming on to him. Sure he was well educated, but to call him handsome after speaking to him a time or two?

“It’s intriguing, it must be a hell of a story.” He leaned forward, expectantly. 

Harvey found himself again, realizing he’d been balking at the man while he spoke. Clearing his throat, he laughed and looked down at his coffee. “Well, it’s certainly not a story to be shared over coffee.” 

And then Elliot laughed. “We can fix that.” He gestured towards Gus, holding up his glass. “Another glass for my new friend here!” 

When he turned back to Harvey, he smiled. “It’ll be on me.”

. . . 

Of course, the third or fourth time Harvey had run into Elliot, he realized that he just spoke that way. 

“I have other friends, Shane.” Harvey rolled his eyes and drank more of the scalding coffee. 

“Not ones that get it.” Shane said with a shake of his head, “Not here, in perfect Pelican Town.”

Ah, an excuse to change the subject. “Get what, Shane?” he sat back, trying to look doctorly in his sorry state. 

Shane scoffed. “No one in the valley understands what the real world is like anymore. All they care about is Joja and whether there’s a town celebration coming up.”

“You must envy it.” Harvey sums, and then follows up with, “I sure as hell do.”

“Whatever. This must be better than living in fairy land.”

Harvey chewed on the thought. “People don’t have to get it to be worth talking to.” He tilted his head to catch Shane’s eye. “It’s kind of nice living in someone else’s world for a minute, to see their seemingly small scope of problems instead of the wide range of your own.”

Shane shakes his head at that. “I can’t live in someone else’s world.” He takes a long drink. “I mean, I don’t think I’m allowed to. It’s like an insult or something.” 

He looked over, seeing Harvey’s furrowed brow. “Whatever.”

“So, you want to talk about what the world is really like, or distract yourself like I am?” Harvey gave him a tight smile and held his cup up to his mouth.

He just rolled his eyes and took another drink, raising his dwindling glass vaguely in Gus’s direction. He thought he might have heard Gus shout something in his direction, but the music was starting to pick up.

“Distraction it is.” 

. . . 

Harvey burst out laughing, throwing his head back.

“And don’t even get me started on Pam-” Shane added, a wide grin playing on his face, “If you think I’m the town drunk?” He gave an exaggerated shiver. “They found her passed out once in the town square. Naked as the day she was born.”

Harvey bit back more laughter and swatted in Shane’s direction without any intention of actually hitting the man. “You can’t gossip to me about my patients, Shane!”

“They’re your neighbors! And what else is there to talk about around here?” 

Harvey sits back and tries his best to give him a serious look. And then he promptly gives up on it and leans in closer to Shane. 

“Ever notice that Abigail looks nothing like Pierre?”

Shane’s jaw drops. “The scandal, Harvey! Don’t gossip about your patients!” 

Harvey puts his hands up in mock surrender. “They’re my neighbors, too!”

And then Shane laughs too.

The music on the jukebox starts to quiet, and Harvey can hear the light pitter-pattering on the windows. It was still raining. 

The lights began to dim suddenly, and Harvey realized that they had lingered a bit longer than intended. 

Gus waved from the bar, “Take your time, I’ve still got cleanup to do!” He was cleaning glasses and saying a goodbye to Emily as she skipped out with her umbrella in tow.

Shane stands with a sigh, and makes a face at the clock when he sees the time. “Damn, I’ve got work in the morning.”

Harvey sighs as he stands and retrieves his cane from the back of the chair. “Is it wrong to cancel my appointments for the morning and sleep in?” 

“I would fully support that decision.” Shane says as he shrugs into his Joja sweatshirt. 

As Shane took a step towards the door, he looked back at Harvey. “You walking home?”

Harvey nodded, feeling a little sick as he looked at the door. 

“Come on, I’ll walk ya.” He said, taking a few steps to the door and holding it open. He looked over at the bar and nodded to Gus. “Thanks for the drinks, Gus.”

Gus waved them off with a smile, “Anytime. Get home safe, you two!”

Harvey took an uneasy step towards the door, watching the rain softly hit Shane’s arm as he held it open for him. He gave Gus a crooked smile before stepping out into the rain. 

He held his breath for a moment as the rain hit the back of his neck. It was dark, but the street lamps lit the square up well enough even this late at night. When they rounded the corner, the clinic was in sight. 

Was the worst part about the rain the smell or the feeling of it? The sound was pretty terrible too. He was thinking about it to himself when he realized the rain had stopped. 

Well, it hadn’t stopped, but Shane was standing beside him holding his umbrella over the both of them. 

“Thanks,” Harvey mustered. He breathed a little easier. Shane grunted in a way that felt like he was trying to say, No problem. Harvey was learning to understand his different non-verbal modes of communication, which was interesting. 

When they get back to the clinic, Harvey fumbles with his keys trying to rush the door open. Taking his first step inside is like a breath of fresh air, and he can’t help but gasp for air a bit as he sat his book down on the counter and let his cane rest against it. 

He turned back to the door and saw Shane standing in the doorway watching him. “I… really hate the rain.” He ran a hand through his hair to let loose any lingering droplets.

“I can see that.” Shane looked out at the glowing lights of the Saloon as they dimmed further. “Why would you go out there during the rain and sit at a saloon by yourself?”

“Distraction.” Harvey said, clearing his throat awkwardly. “I don’t…” Do well on my own when I start thinking too much? That’s probably too much to share, Harv. “It rained on the worst night of my life.” 

Shane nodded, and then pointed to his injured leg. “The night that happened?”

Harvey looked down at his leg. Funny, he didn’t really concern himself with his injury. “Yeah,” he said, but then furrowed his brow as he imagined the ugly incision scar that tore at the skin on his knee. “That wasn’t really the bad part.” 

“Well,” Shane tapped his foot on the floor a couple of times and looked around the dark clinic. “It’s already letting up, I’m sure it’ll be done by the time you fall asleep.”

Harvey nodded. “I’ll be fine.”

“I know.” Shane says, looking at him. Really looking at him. Harvey wondered what he saw.

Then he turns to go back out the door, and Harvey stops him by saying, “You know, you’re not nearly as much of an ass as you pretend to be.”

Shane scoffs at him. “And you’re not as boring as you pretend to be.”

“Thank you, Shane.” Harvey responded, “For the distraction.”

“Anytime.” Shane said seriously, and then stepped out the door.

Harvey believed him.

. . .

Shane’s weekends used to be the same, just as monotonous as the rest of his life. He’d sleep in as much as his body let him, which was usually till 8, and then stare at his ceiling before facing the day. Marnie would pin a list to the fridge of what needed to be picked up from the store if he headed that way, and he’d usually be so bored he actually did it.

If not he’d play video games until he felt the buzz under his skin to get out of the house, and then he’d end up in the saloon. 

Lately though, things had changed.

Jas had decided that his time off work was better spent with her, and she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Maybe it was because therapy gave her confidence, and maybe it was because she wasn’t tip toeing around him anymore. For so long he’d been healing, and so had she, but somewhere along the way she’d realized they both were- not okay, but better than they used to be. Okay enough for her to push.

So she woke with the sun and launched herself on him while he was sleeping. 

It was a hell of a wake up, but he managed to roll with it and carry her upside down by her waist as he tickled her sides. She screamed, kicking and flailing with no fear of actually being dropped, and Shane almost laughed with her. Instead he just smiled, threatening her with punishments each more outlandish than the last.

“I’ll hang you by your toes and let the chickens roost on you!” He teased with his free hand jabbing her sides as they walked into the kitchen.

“I’ll-“ She tried to speak through her giggles, letting out another valiant flail of limbs. “-I’ll teach the chickens to poop on your bed!”

“My weakness.” He said flatly. “Chicken poop.” 

The chickens were his responsibility, but he’d been thinking more these days about giving Jas more responsibility with the birds she loved so much. It was something he’d have to think about, figure out if she was ready yet.

Marnie had taken to boiling eggs and leaving them in the fridge, so he sliced one up with some toast for Jas, grabbing a granola bar for himself.

“So, what are we going to do today?”

Shane raised an eyebrow. “We?”

“Yeah.” Jas said with pure confidence, meeting his eyes. “We.”

Shane sighed, knowing that he had no other choice. When a Petrovna made up their mind, it didn’t change. 

“What did you have in mind?” 

Jas lit up like the sun, fork clacking loudly against the wooden table as her hands slammed down so she could lean forward.

“Really?! I mean- I want to go to the park and show you how high I can swing! And then we should get ice cream from Mr. Alex! And maybe we can ask Mr. Willy to see the crabs? Or we can play in the tide pools! Or- Or-“

“One thing at a time, princess!” Shane put his hands up in the ‘timeout’ gesture. “Let’s start from the top and see what we have time for.”

Jas deflated slightly before she perked up again. “Okay! Whatever we don’t have time to do we can do next week, right?” She looked at him with wide, hopeful eyes.

Shane glanced at the calendar, something heavy settling in his gut before he forced his eyes away. “We, uh, we’ll see about that, hon.” 

He tossed his half eaten granola bar in the trash as Jas continued to plan their day out loud.

-

Marnie was sure to give him an approving look when she came back from ranch work to find Jas dressed and ready for the day, her backpack on and the stars in her eyes.

Shane had thrown on his usual long sleeve with a Tunnelers jersey over. It had been worn soft from years of being worn as a sort of comfort item on bad days, but today he just felt like it. It was familiar, grounding, yet not the right size in a way he didn’t want to think about right now.

“Where are you two off to?” Marnie let Jas swing from her bicep for a moment, grunting as if it took any effort when Shane had seen her lift pigs larger than the kid. It made Shane keenly aware of his current lack of muscle.

“The park! Shane’s gonna play with me! And push me on the swings! And I’m gonna balance the whole way around the park this time!” Jas’s words crashed together as she yelled each part without taking a breath in between. She gasped when she finished, grinning wide. 

“Sounds like a blast! Make sure to have some extra fun for me!” Marnie heaved Jas up one more time before lowering her back to the ground. “I’d go with ya, but Oscar’s due any moment now. Gotta stick around the ranch until they come.” Marnie always got a little nervous when her animals were due to give birth since the nearest vet was in the next county. She was seasoned enough to have her own supplies on hand and know what she was doing, but she still worried.

“It’s okay! Give Oscar kisses for me!” Jas had named the speckled goat after Oscar the grouch when she’d let it inside the house as a baby and it had spread trash everywhere. She’d had to scoop goat poop for a week after that stunt.

They set off on their way to the park, Jas waving at every townie they passed. Shane gave the occasional nod of acknowledgment, but didn’t offer any greetings. 

Jas immediately ran and jumped on the wooden divider around the playground and threw her arms out for balance, walking along it like a circus performer. 

The playground was empty, which wasn’t unexpected at eight in the morning. Jas didn’t seem to mind. She thought up a new game every few minutes, usually involving Shane’s input in some way. He kept an eye on her breathing, making her take breaks when she got too excited, much to her chagrin. He wasn’t about to risk another attack.

Jas had roped him into a game where he had to steal a cool rock she found while she tried to run away, which had turned to him camping near the slide and trying to grab her every time she ran by. 

Back in the day he could have chased her for hours, but his body wasn’t what it used to be.

“Are you hiding?”

“Mother of fuck!” Shane jumped out of his skin, pulling back his fist reflexively as he turned, and only lowering it when he recognized the invader.

Harvey looked surprised at his reaction, crouched down beside where Shane was huddled next to the rock wall. He was dressed in an honest to Yoba sweater vest with a bow tie, and it weirdly suited him.

“Sorry! I thought you heard me coming.” He smiled sheepishly, clearly apologetic as Shane glared at him.

“Well I fucking didn’t! Anyway, it’s not hiding, it’s spawn camping.” Shane pulled Harvey further into the shadow of the play equipment, watching through the slats as Jas ran by giggling.

“Spawn camping?”

Shane gave Harvey a look. “Like in video games? It’s a cheap tactic, but it works.”

“I, uh, didn’t really play video games.”

Shane probably should have expected that one, honestly.

“Anyway, it’s not actually spawn camping, I just wait for her to run by and snatch her. She knows I’m under here somewhere.” Shane peered out from behind the rock wall, looking for familiar bouncy purple hair. 

“What a great way to spend a Sunday morning! Did you know experts recommend at least 60 minutes of moderate to intense exercise every day for children?” 

“Shhh.” Shane spotted the kid, narrowing his eyes as she lost interest in the bug that had distracted her and began to run around again.

Harvey lasted a few seconds before breaking the silence. “Especially kids with AD-“

Harvey was cut off by Shane’s hand clamping over his mouth as he was bodily pulled behind the rock wall. Jas’s giggles passed by, way too close. 

“Are you trying to give away my position?! Shut it, she’s almost close enough. Be useful and tell me when she gets close to the slide.” Shane craned his neck, having lost sight of her.

Harvey hummed behind his hand, and when Shane looked down the doctor was raising an eyebrow at him. Oh yeah, he should probably remove his hand.

Shane pulled back his hand, not thinking about how weirdly soft the other man’s mustache had been as he shuffled over on his knees towards the gap between the rock wall and the slide.

Seriously though, did he condition it?

Shane bet he did, probably had a fucking mustache comb or some shit.

Shane felt a tap on his thigh, startling him from his thoughts. He met Harvey’s eyes, and the doctor inclined his head towards the stairs on the other side of the rock wall. Now that he was paying attention he could hear the ominous singing of a song about magic friendship.

It was go time!

He waited until pink cowgirl boots stepped on the mulch right in front of his hiding place, and then he pounced.

Jas shrieked as he burst out from behind the wall, helpless against him grabbing her from around the waist and hanging her upside down.

“Give me the rock!” He demanded as he used the hand not clamped around his middle to poke incensantly at her ticklish sides.

“No!” She yelled in between giggles, thankfully still breathing normally.

“Harvey, get the damn rock from her!” He missed again as he tried to grab her closed fist, which she was waving wildly around to evade him.

“Ambush! Use your cane! Help!” Jas kicked and flailed as she demanded Harvey help her, and it quickly devolved into them both yelling at Harvey to pick a side.

Harvey shook his head and laughed, and Shane’s words faltered for a second. Harvey smiled at them, adjusting his glasses and looking at her with fondness.

“I would help you Jas, but if I fight your uncle, I’d win, and that would hurt his feelings. As a doctor I took an oath not to hurt people, that includes beating them with my cane.”

Jas considered that for a moment as Shane leveled Harvey with a look, eyes brow raised. The doctor just grinned. Smart ass.

“Okay, but if there’s ever a bad guy you should beat them up.” 

Harvey nodded. “I’ll take that into consideration.” 

Shane let Jas detangle so she could run up to Harvey and start chatting with him in the breathless, rambling way she did when she had too much to say, little hand gripping his pant leg as she tried to drag him to the brick beside the community center that she’d pulled up to see ants.

Shane watched him and wondered for a moment if Harvey had ever taken down ‘bad guys’ before, if he’d killed people, if it even mattered in the context of war. 

He watched Harvey smile, the corners of his eyes crinkling behind his glasses as he started to explain some fact about ants to her, adjusting her askew bow so casually that Shane was sure he’d done it without thinking.

He shook the thoughts away and went to join them. Harvey had saved lives and was helping take care of Jas, and as baffling as the idea was, Shane trusted him. What Harvey had done while trying to survive didn’t matter, not here, not now.

“Why don’t we cover the ant nest back up so they aren’t so scared anymore?” He heard Harvey gently suggest as he walked up on them, peering over Jas’s shoulders to see hundreds of tiny ants scrambling around the dirt patch where the brick had been. 

“Okay!” Jas grunted as she picked up the brick, smiling at Harvey when he put a hand on it to help her. Shane was thankful, his anxiety spiking seeing Jas’s fragile fingers wrapped around the brick. If Shane had tried to help it probably would have turned into an argument about how she was a big girl and didn’t need his help, but apparently Harvey had better vibes or whatever.

Once the brick was slotted back into the rest, with no pinched fingers, Jas yelled down at it.

“You can bring your babies back up now!” She turned to him, pointing at the brick. “They had a ton of baby eggs but they brought them all into the ground because I was scary.”

“You are quite scary.” 

“Only because I’m big! If I was little like them I wouldn’t be so scary.”

“If you were little they’d-“ Harvey silenced Shane with a look before he could say that ants would try and eat her, which, good call. He tended to talk before thinking. Shane coughed into his fist as Harvey stole Jas’s attention with a fact about ants using their antenna to talk.

Shane squinted up into the sky, shoulders tight and his shirt sticking to him from sweat. It probably wasn’t even noon yet and it would only get hotter. Jas already had a slight flush to her cheeks and ears from running around in the heat, even after being sunscreened very much against her will. He should probably cool her down a bit.

“Who wants ice cream?” 

Jas immediately perked up, head whipping towards him.

“Me! I want ice cream! Can we, really?” 

They didn’t visit the ice cream stand near the library often, but he knew Jas liked going there as a treat. 

Harvey tilted his head, curls falling across his forehead. “Am I included in that?”

Shane shrugged a shoulder. “Why not, sure. Walk with us, my treat.” 

Jas was running ahead of them, hair bouncing with each step as she’d run ahead and double back when she got too far from them. Shane followed at the pace Harvey set, which wasn’t as slow as he’d have thought before their nature walk.

Harvey was telling him something about Pierre’s scam worthy ‘sale’ on canned goods when his brown eyes flicked away from Shane’s and up to the sky. Shane watched as childish glee filled the doctor’s face, following his gaze up to see a plane far above them.

“That’s a Cessna 172! Classic training aircraft. You can tell by the high wings and- sorry, I’m rambling.” The doctor cut himself off, letting out a nervous little laugh and adjusting his glasses. It was so incredibly nerdy, and it shouldn’t have made Shane have to fight down a smile.

He remembered Harvey telling him it had been a special thing with his dad, and that just made the moment so…soft. Somehow Harvey found comfort in a memory after loss, whereas Shane hadn’t been able to listen to soulful music or attend a single gridball game since he lost Iris and Joel. He had chosen to shove them in the little box in his head, to kill them again so that he didn’t have to comfort their memories.

Shane swallowed the ash in his throat and spoke.

“Tell.. Tell me more about the, uh, Chesnut.” 

Harvey looked confused for a second before it clicked, and then he grinned. It was a little crooked, kind of hopeful and kind of amused.

“Cessna?”

“Yeah, that.”

Harvey’s grin righted itself. Sometimes he had this look to him, like the clouds of a sunset, and Shane couldn’t help but stare.

“That plane was a Cessna 172 Skyhawk. It’s actually the most produced aircraft in the world. They’ve been making them since the 1950s and they’re still flying today! They’re a starter plane for many student pilots since they’re very reliable and sturdy.”

Harvey gestured with his hand sometimes when he got excited, adjusting his glasses in between talking about cockpit instruments or wind resistance. Sometimes he tried to gesture with the hand holding the cane, and the way his eyebrows would momentarily scrunch before he got hit with another thought and forgot his confusion. It was strangely captivating to watch, and Shane kept forgetting to listen to the plane facts he’d asked for.

“They’re really forgiving, even if they aren’t very fast. They go about a hundred and twenty knots at cruising speed, but speed isn’t everything, especially for a first time pilot. I sat in one of the cockpits once- on the ground, mind you, and the instruments are gorgeous and easy to understand. I studied those planes for a long time before I failed my vision test. I thought that I could get in on knowledge alone.” Harvey laughed, and it was only a little sad. He genuinely seemed to have gotten over his failure a long time ago. Shane respected that a lot, and envied it a little.

“Hi Mister Alex! Hi Miss Haley!” Jas startled them both as she called out. They’d barely stepped onto the bridge, but Jas was already waving down the two adults at the ice cream stand.

“Hey kiddo!” Alex leaned over the edge of the counter to send Jas a smile, getting one in response. He was practically a kid himself, fresh out of high school and not even able to drink yet. Shane didn’t mind him much, even if he felt upshown sometimes by the fit young gridball player. It wasn’t like he was actually trying to compete with the kid, so it didn’t matter if he lost, right?

“I want the Napoleon on a cone, please!” Jas asked proudly, slapping the crumpled bills on the counter that Shane had given her to hold. 

“One neopolitan coming up!” Alex dutifully opened the chest freezer and began to scoop her ice cream. He crammed three scoops on the kiddie cone and gave her a dish as well before he turned his attention to Shane and Harvey. He was far less animated with them, but still polite. Made sense he was Evelyn’s.

“And for you two?”

“Cookie dough.” Shane said bluntly. He didn’t experiment much with his ice cream flavors.

Alex nodded and grabbed another cone as he addressed Harvey. “And you?”

Harvey hummed, eyeing the hand written flavor list.

“Normally I go for butter pecan or pistachio-“

“Okay grandpa.” Shane snorted.

“-but considering the allergies in our party, how about mint chocolate chip?”

Shane paused. He hadn’t immediately thought of Jas’s allergy, but Harvey had. Of course he was her doctor, but Shane was her godfather. 

“I like your jersey.” Alex commented as he scooped their ice cream. “Go Tunnelers!”

Shane glanced down at himself.

“Oh, yeah. Thanks kid.”

“That looks like one of the original team jerseys before they updated last season. Whose numbers are those though?” 

They were his. Shane Callahan, number 27. They’d definitely reassigned his numbers by now, but he had no idea who. He watched the games at Gus’s, but he didn’t pay as much attention as he used to.

But he just shrugged, taking his ice cream cone and Harvey’s, handing the doctor his bright green cone and turning around to follow Jas towards the library bench.

He heard the kid squawk something behind behind him, but when he glanced back he and the blonde were hunched over the counter and talking, so he figured it didn’t involve him.

Jas sat beside him, the one with the most room as Shane crammed between her and Harvey. Their elbows knocked together gently with each movement, but Shane didn't feel the need to shove away the contact. He only hated touch when he couldn’t control it, but the knowledge that Harvey would immediately give him room if he asked, or offer to sit on the ground despite his leg, kept the contact from feeling violating.

Harvey looked over at him, eyes soft behind his glasses. “Thanks for inviting me to come along. I was just going to catch up on some reading today, but the fresh air is so much nicer.”

“Anytime Doc.” The startling part was that he meant it.

Shane took a bite of his ice cream in unison with Jas. He glanced over to see Harvey frowning so hard his mustache was frowning.

“You’re both heathens.”

Jas and Shane grinned, mirror images of the other. 

“We’ll corrupt you too, Ace. Give it time.”

. . . 

Harvey was sitting in his office finishing up some paperwork when Maru popped her head in with a smirk. “Did you order coffee?” 

He laughed a little and pushed away from his desk. Following her out to the lobby, he found Shane standing there awkwardly. He hadn't come by on a Tuesday before, so walking in to see Maru before opening time might have been a surprise. He started unlocking the door in case Shane dropped by. 

When he pauses to lean on the counter and lets his cane fall against it, Shane crosses the lobby to hand over the coffee. Maru quickly makes herself scarce and pretends to need to go to the office out back for something. Harvey can’t help but roll his eyes as the door shuts behind her. 

“Thanks,” Harvey tips the coffee towards Shane, and Shane lightly taps his cup against it. “A good cup of coffee always makes my day.” 

He takes a sip and smiles at Shane, but the smile he gets in return feels wrong. Not just an awkward Shane smile because Maru is around and he’s got his walls up, like there was something that was eating away at him. 

“Always happy to help.” Shane says quickly, and turns to leave. 

“Wait, Shane.” Harvey says, taking a step in the direction of the door to follow him. “You doing okay?”

“Don’t worry, Doc. Nothing I can’t handle.” Shane says, chewing on his cheek a bit. 

“Anything I can help handle?” Harvey felt the instinct to reach out and touch Shane, to comfort him. He steadies his hand and places it on his coffee with his other instead. “I haven’t got any appointments today and Maru can hold the fort-”

Shane shakes his head and plasters on a smile. “I’m good Doc, just tired of work. You know how it is.”

“Well, why don’t you stop by after?” Harvey says, his pulse starting to quicken a bit. Shane was being strange. He felt desperate, wanting him to stay or check in later. He was worried about… he wasn’t sure exactly. 

Shane waves him away and turns to face the door. When he speaks, his voice is detached. “I’ll probably be tired after work, I’m just gonna head home.” 

“Okay…” Harvey looked down at his coffee and back up at Shane as he sees him push the door open. “I’ll see you tomorrow though?” Harvey asks.

Shane just grunts in response, and the door falls shut behind him. 

Harvey stands there, heart and mind racing as he stares at the door.

What happened between today and yesterday that had shaken Shane so much? The ice cream trip felt so natural and fun. Not to mention that Shane was doing so well these past few weeks, he’d started to open up to Harvey and they’d gone on little outdoor adventures with Jas…

“Well that was quick, I figured he’d at least talk to you for a minute.” Maru said casually as she walked back into the reception area and plopped down in the chair. “I suppose he isn’t much of a talker though.”

Harvey was speechless. Why was he so strange? Why did he even stop and see me if he was in that kind of state?

He peeks out the door, and Shane is already out of sight. 

“Harvey?” Maru stands up to look at him as he spies out the door. 

He jumps a little, looking back at her sheepishly. “Sorry,” He makes his way back over to the counter to lean on it for a second. “He was just, kind of weird.” 

“So… normal Shane?” She crosses her arms, an eyebrow raised in disbelief. 

“Maru.” Harvey said, looking at her seriously. He guesses the worry on his face is pretty evident when she sighs.

“Weird how?” 

“I don’t know. He’s been… it's not like he’s my best friend, but he’s been friendly. And today…” He shook his head and looked down at the coffee Shane had brought him. “I don’t know what is going on in his head, but he seemed off.” 

“Why don’t you go over to the Stardrop tonight and see if he’s there? I mean, he usually is.” 

“He said he was just going home, he’d be tired after work.” Harvey fidgetted with his cup and looked back at the door, like Shane was going to step inside and tell him he was just screwing with him. 

“Maybe he just didn’t want you therapizing him. I bet he’ll be there, if he’s got sorrows to drown.” She put up her hands in surrender when Harvey gave her a look. “I’m not trying to be a jerk, just making an educated guess!” 

Harvey lets out a huff and sits in the chair in the lobby closest to reception. “I just have this aching feeling in my chest about it.” 

“He’ll be okay, Harvey.” Maru says, “From the sounds of it, he’s been through worse than most people. I’m sure he can manage, and you’ll at least see him tomorrow for Jas’s appointment.” 

Harvey nodded and sipped his coffee, still staring at the door. 

People in pain make permanent choices when they don't see another option. I hope Shane knows all of his options. 

Chapter Text

“Well, well, look who’s inside again, 

Went out to look for a reason to hide again.

Well, well, buddy you’ve found it.

Now come out with your hands up, we’ve got you surrounded.”

Looks Who’s Inside Again, Bo Burnham

He wakes in a cold sweat, echoes of people he couldn’t save calling his name. Some are more familiar than others, and the one that calls out the loudest… 

Tommy. 

You left me to die. You left both of us to die. 

You should’ve died too. 

Harvey roughly scrubbed the sleep from his eyes and peered at his alarm clock. 

03:24 

Yoba… he should go back to sleep, but with all of his worries about Shane, and the nightmare- He wasn’t falling back asleep. He finds himself limping towards the bathroom and turning on the scalding water to wake himself up. To try and rid the thoughts from his mind. 

He was a doctor. And a licensed therapist. He knew that trauma presented itself in many ways, and that stress and anxiety can cause… relapses in your healing. Your mind can play horrible tricks, come up with things to scare you. 

He hoped Tommy didn’t see it that way, at the end. No, he knew it. He shoved Harvey away, even as he was bleeding out in the mud. He wanted Harvey to run. He wouldn’t have blamed Harvey for what came next. 

Well, that he wasn’t so sure about. 

He steps into the water and lets it burn the thoughts from his mind. He was only thinking of this because of Shane’s behavior. And everything was probably fine, Shane likely was hungover or just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. 

But Shane hadn’t been drinking like he had when Harvey first met him. 

He was doing better. 

Terminal lucidity was a term thrown around at the hospital. It referred to a patient that was bound to die, but suddenly got a burst of energy or gained mental clarity. It was a sign that the end was near. 

Was Shane’s improvement a similar phenomenon? Did Harvey just placate him, tame whatever was tearing him up inside long enough to get to know him, all for him to die?

Shane isn’t dying, Harvey. He was just a little weird yesterday. Get a grip. 

He scrubbed his face and let the water run over his head to drown out the world. Shane would be around at 2:30 for his appointment with Jas, and she would be the ray of sunshine that she always is, and Shane and Harvey would laugh at the crazy shit she was bound to say. 

When he pulls his face out of the water with a gasp, he knows his time for wallowing in his fears is over. 

When he was at the military hospital, he had a therapist for a time. She was the one that originally prescribed his anxiety meds. 

She had taught him some grounding techniques. At the time, he was still overseas and fighting to keep his men alive, watching them die over and over. All in his head. 

The meds helped. 

That was then, and this is now. It all happened, but it’s not happening anymore. 

He pops two of his anxiety pills and sets the bottle back on the sink. He didn’t like looking in the mirror and seeing the circles under his eyes. He fell asleep late last night after going over to the Saloon just to see if Shane was there. 

He wasn’t, of course. He said he wouldn’t be. 

He tries to shake the thoughts from his mind again, but they stick around for the rest of the morning. 

. . . 

By noon, he’s finished all of his paperwork and all of the work he’d set aside for Maru to do tomorrow. There was nothing else to keep him busy, and he had another couple of hours before Shane and Jas would arrive. 

Tick, tock. 

The clock in the lobby is loud. He hadn’t noticed how loud it was before. 

Tick, tock.

Why is it when you’re anxious that you always find something monotonous to be anxious about? And why the fuck is that clock so loud? 

He stood uneasily on his good leg, leaning heavily on his cane. Sometimes he didn’t think he needed it all that much, but on days like today, his leg hurt worse than ever. He had a harder time keeping his knee straight between steps. It’s like his leg wanted to give up and just fall apart again.

Well, Harvey did too. But he felt obligated to keep afloat. And he knew enough about his brain to know the tricks it was trying to play on him. 

He spent the rest of the day trying to get away from the clocks, reading the flight manual he’d started keeping in his desk, and drawing blueprints from memory. 

It was only when he glanced at his watch and it read 14:35 that he felt his stomach drop. 

Have they ever been late before? 

He stepped out of his office and into the waiting room. 

He was half expecting to see Jas just outside running up from the town center, panting and wild like she always was, but she wasn’t there. Shane wasn’t there. 

It was a coincidence. People were late for appointments all of the time. Pam was two weeks late for her appointment and still showed up. 

He glanced at the clock. Still ticking loud. Shane had a few more minutes before Harvey would call Marnie’s to check on them. 

He didn’t step away from the door for ten minutes. 

Another five minutes passed as he stood in the doorway, his heart beating out of his chest. Shane would have called from work if he was stuck late, right? Marnie would have called if they stayed home sick. 

He picked up the phone and dialed Marnie’s number. 

“You’ve reached Marnie’s Ranch. Leave your name and number, and we’ll get back to you shortly to take your order. We appreciate your patience, have a wonderful day!”

Gently setting the phone back on the hook, he retrieved his car keys from the hook behind the counter. 

. . . 

There wasn’t much point to driving in Pelican Town. Everything was within walking distance. Though, with his leg and mind in the state they were in, it was worth driving instead. 

It was when Marnie roughly opened the door seconds after he knocked and he saw the expression on her face that he realized he was right to have been worried. 

She barely has a chance to tell Harvey that she can’t get Shane to wake up, and he’s already moved past her and begun to make his way to Shane’s room. 

The cane fell to the floor with a clatter, and he pressed a hand to the wall to keep himself steady as he staggered to his room. Seconds mattered more than the pain that was shooting from his knee and down into his shin and ankle. His mind was going a mile a minute. 

Had he overdosed? Tried to commit suicide? Would he have everything he needed to help? Could he even get him back to the clinic in such a state? 

When lays eyes on Shane on the floor, he can taste bile building up in his throat. He’s suddenly on the floor beside him, two fingers below his jaw to feel for a pulse. 

It’s there. He’s alive. 

Heart beating, breathing. 

Harvey sits back on his heels and holds a hand to his own chest. 

Heart beating, breathing. 

It’s then that he takes in the state of the room. The cans strewn on the floor, beer soaked into the rug, a bottle must have shattered against the wall. It was 3PM and he was hammered? He didn’t even have the mind to collapse in the bed that was just behind him. 

He gives Shane a rough shake to try and wake him. No response. 

Harvey lifts his head and sees Marnie in the doorway. “Where’s Jas?” 

“She must be with Penny still, I drop her off in the mornings because Shane is usually already at work. I… I thought he had already left this morning, but he must have never gone.” She holds a hand to her mouth and shakes her head in disbelief, looking down at her nephew on the floor. “He picks her up on Wednesdays. For therapy.”

“It’s probably better she’s not here.” Harvey decides as he stands and moves into the kitchen. 

As he fills the pitcher full of water at her sink, she keeps talking. “I should have checked his room, I didn’t think he would stay home from work and not say anything…” 

“He’s going to be okay, Marnie.” He takes the pitcher of water into the room and stands over Shane. 

He really was better before he got worse. Terminal lucidity was a bitch.

He pours the entire pitcher of water over Shane’s head, ignoring the gasp coming from Marnie beside him. 

Harvey backed away, arm outstretched to keep Marnie back with him. The second the cold water touched the unconscious man he came alive with a strangled yell, stumbling his way to a standing position and nearly falling over as he swung a blind right hook through the air Harvey had previously occupied.

When Shane wobbles on his feet and squints at Harvey with bleary eyes, all Harvey can muster after all the worry and anxiety is anger. 

“What the fuck is this?” he asks, gesturing at the room. At Shane. 

Shane’s face twitches as he looks between Marnie and Harvey, eyes narrowed into slits. “The fuck? What is it to you? Fuck are you in my room for? Marnie, what the hell!”

“Don’t use that tone with me, young man. What is this? I thought we were past all the blackout drinking!”

Shane snarled, fists bawling as he turned his rage towards his aunt. “Young man? I ain’t fucking 10 anymore Marnie! You can’t fix this with chores and tough love like you tried to last time. You don’t understand this shit, Marnie! Neither of you fucking do!”

“What happened to you and I understanding the real world, Shane? You said nobody else in Pelican Town understood it, and now suddenly I don’t?” Harvey tries to cool his own growing anger. The frustration at watching Shane move backwards after he finally felt like he had a friend in this town.

“Are you kidding me?” Shane spat, a laugh bordering on hysterical bubbling up. “You’re comparing your god damned war buddy to everything I lost? To the fucking end of my universe?”

My war buddy. Harvey’s blood ran cold as he looked down at the floor. Just my war buddy.  

“You can never hope to understand what the fuck I’m going through, what I lost! They’re- fuck! They’re everything! I lived for them, I- What the fuck do I have now?” 

“You have Jas-” Harvey started to respond quietly, not willing to look up at Shane as he cut him off. 

“Jas? Jas is my problem. We’re not some project for you to distract yourself with. Maybe worry about your own problems instead of ours. You sit here and expect me to share my worries when you’re a fuckling closed book. You hide in the Saloon so you’re not alone every time it rains, you don’t deal with shit. You’re pathetic.”

Harvey’s body moves of its own will. It doesn’t even register that he’s moved in on Shane until his hands are on his chest, roughly shoving him back to the ground. When Shane fell hard on the ground and looked up at Harvey with a bewildered expression, Harvey let go of the shock that he really just did that. 

He shoves a finger in Shane’s face and spits back at him. “Fuck you, Shane.” 

“Boys!” Marnie took a step forward as if to get in between them, but didn’t make the move when Harvey didn’t show further aggression and Shane stayed stunned. “Both of you stop!”

She looked at Shane, and for a moment she looked like a grieving mother as she stared at her nephew. “What is this, Shane? What’s your plan?”

Shane stared at the ground, refusing to make eye contact as he spoke under his breath.

“Hopefully I won’t be around long enough for a ‘plan’.”

As the words leave Shane’s mouth, a lump forms in Harvey’s throat. He put a hand on the wall behind him for support as he looked at the man on the floor, in a puddle of beer and water from the pitcher. Wet hair clinging to his forehead. Pathetic. Heart-wrenching. 

Not as heart-wrenching as the sob that came from the doorway behind Marnie. 

Three heads whipped in the direction of the door, watching a wide eyed Jas take a step back from the open doorway. Her hands were covering her mouth, but that did nothing to muffle another guttural sob.

“Jas!” Shane tried to stumble to his feet, face pale, but Jas had already turned on her heel and bolted, the front door slamming as another person rushed from the kitchen to follow her. Penny, most likely.

Harvey wanted to go after Jas too, but he knows he’s not the one she’ll need right now. Marnie went after her. That was probably better.

Shane stared at the door, then at his hands, legs giving out and sending him back to the floor as he gripped his hair.

“Jas, I’m sorry! I’m sorry baby, I didn’t mean to! Fuck!” 

Shane had always put effort into seeming tough, into having a barrier around his emotions, but Harvey got to watch as something in Shane broke.

He let out a sob, curling in on himself and muttering apologies, fingers digging into his scalp so hard the knuckles had turned white. He shook with the force of his freed emotions, a strangled scream forced out between gasps of breath. 

Harvey takes a step forward, hearing the wet floor squish under his shoe. He sits down in the puddle next to Shane. As Shane’s crying begins to fizzle out, and the sobs that tear at Harvey’s soul begin to turn into small gasps, Harvey clears his throat.

“How do we fix it?”

“Fix?” Shane took a shuttering gasp, turning wet, bloodshot eyes toward Harvey. “What is there to fix, Harvey? I broke her.” He makes an uncoordinated gesture towards where Jas had been standing. “This is what I do. I break things. People. Kids. I couldn’t even protect her right. Not then. Not now.” 

“She’s not broken, Shane.” He says softly, looking over at the shell of a man beside him. “What brought all of this on?”

“Wednesday.. How the fuck didn’t I see it was on a Wednesday?” Shane didn’t seem to be talking to him, muttering to himself. 

“Shane..” Harvey begins to interject, but Shane only continues like he wasn’t sitting beside him.

“Should’ve known I couldn’t handle it, made an excuse or some shit so Doc doesn’t drag his pasty ass down here, fuckin idiot.”

“Pasty?”

Shane’s eyes flick to him, and there’s a tiny spark of clarity. “You seen yourself in a mirror?”

There he is.

“I’d wager a bet that I look a hell of a lot better than you do right now.”

Shane blinked, visibly buffering before he let out the weakest, most pathetic laugh Harvey had ever heard. “You’ve got me there.”

“You said I’m a closed book.” Harvey mentioned, looking down at his hands. 

Shane sighed, looking at Harvey with rapidly clearing eyes. “You are, man. You realize that, right?”

“Yeah…” Harvey chuckles a little, bitterly, but towards himself. 

You’re comparing your god damned war buddy to everything I lost?

“He wasn’t just a war buddy. I should’ve said more. You said more.” Harvey gestures to Shane, incredulous. “You poured your fucking heart out, told me things you’ve never told anyone else, and I… I just gave you his name.”

“Tommy… Who was Tommy, Harvey?”

“Tommy Whitmore. Medical Officer, 5th Army Division.” Harvey says as steadily as he can.

A drink actually does sound pretty nice right now. Maybe Shane knew what he was doing.

Shane jolted as the name clearly clicked, eyes widening.

“My little brother.”

The silence was deafening, Harvey staring at the wall and Shane staring at him, the two of them alone in a room smelling of beer and misery. 

“Fuck, man. I didn’t- I shouldn’t have said that about your brother. I’m sorry.” Shane sounded genuinely remorseful, guilt clear on his face.

Harvey waves him away with one hand while he wipes away a tear threatening to fall with the other. With a sad laugh, “You didn’t know. I didn’t tell you.” 

Harvey looked at Shane. He told Harvey all about the worst things that had happened to him and Jas, and Harvey didn’t give an inch back. “When you talked about your universe ending when everything happened, I should have said it. All I had, all I cared about… It was him. And he followed me out there because he wanted to be like his big brother. He died in the mud because he wanted to be like me.”

They sit in silence for a moment. The water on the floor seeping into their pants, the echoes from their shouts still hanging in the air above them. Harvey’s ears rang in the absence of noise. His heart was threatening to beat out of his chest. 

“What do you do, on the date he died?” Shane swallowed, fists balling on the hardwood floor. “Maybe you handle it better than I do.”

Handling is one word for it, bottling it up and pretending it doesn’t exist would be another. He had no room to judge Shane if today is his day. 

Harvey took off his glasses and wiped at his eyes, resting his head in his hands for a moment while he gathered his thoughts. 

“I think I just… pretend I’m dead too for a day.” He puts his glasses back on, and with teary eyes he shrugs. “One day a year I get to fall apart. Worst day of my life.” 

Worst day of my life for a lot of reasons.

Harvey felt a pang of grief thinking about all of the things that day really meant for him. And then a pang of guilt. 

“You… You don’t have a kid though. You’re allowed to fall apart. She lost them today too, she doesn’t know the date- god I hope she doesn’t, but I just keep making this day worse for her every year.”

“You’re allowed to fall apart Shane, just maybe a little less… dramatically?” Harvey tries to lighten the mood with a smirk. 

Shane huffed a laugh, looking around at the puddle they were both sitting in. “That’s fair, but at least I didn’t dump water on someone. That would be crazy, right?”

“Free shower. Seemed like you could’ve used it.” 

That got a genuine laugh out of Shane, and a real smile peeked through the misery. “I probably could. Not the first time I’ve gotten a rude awakening after a blackout. Iris had a designated airhorn for Joel and I.”

“I hope I won’t have to invest in one, though it is a much less messy solution.” Harvey smiles back at Shane before taking a more serious tone. “I’m sorry for shoving you. And for shouting- I… I don’t normally do things like that. I don’t know what came over me.”

Shane laughed, it was weak and a bit wrecked of a sound, but he gave Harvey a crooked smile. “Caught me off guard. I know you were a soldier, but I never expected you to, you know, be bothered by shit.” Shane tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling, blowing out a tired breath. “I tend to bring that out in people, sorry bout that, Doc.”

“I'm still a person, Shane. The lab coat might make me seem less human, but I'm bothered by shit. Plenty of shit.” He looked down at his hands, wrists resting on his knees. He fidgeted with his nails. 

Shane grunted. “I knew you were human, just, I don’t know, I didn’t think you reacted to shit. You're so… put together.”

“I sure look that way, huh?” Harvey shakes his head, and they sit in a deafening silence for a moment. When he looks back over at Shane, his eyes catch on the floor behind him. 

“Is that… vomit on your floor?” 

Shane grimaced, looking over.

“Sure is, Doc.”

. . . 

Shane was going to leave. Shane was going to die. 

Shane hoped he'd die.

Her eyes burned as she ran through the door, her chest hurt and her lungs were tight. Penny was calling her name behind her, but she didn’t stop.  She couldn’t stop, couldn’t turn around. She needed to move, she needed to run.

She reached the big oak tree beside the path and dropped down onto her knees, not caring about her pretty dress as she jammed herself into the hollow at the base. She’d discovered the deep hollow with Vincent, they’d talked about making it a secret clubhouse, but right now it was an escape. 

Her backpack snagged on the roots, forcing her to wiggle out of it. She jammed herself as far in the hollow as she could, roots poking her back and dirt in her hair, gasping for breath.

She opened her backpack with shaking hands as she dragged it forward to close off the tunnel, reaching into the inside pocket and pulling out her inhaler. 

The case was purple and covered in stickers, her tiny fingers searching across it in the darkness until she managed to uncap it.

How did it go again? Harvey had shown her how to do it herself. She had to press down and breathe in, then hold. She held it in both hands, lacing her fingers over the top and pressing down as hard as she could as she put the mouthpiece to her lips and took in a ragged breath.

By the second puff she could breathe again without wheezing, so she shoved the inhaler back in her bag and buried her face in her knees. She tried to scrub away the stupid tears from her eyes, fingers digging into her face as she tried to muffle the sounds.

There was a time when the dark had scared her. During the bad time after she lost her mom and dad, when Shane was hurt real bad and they wouldn't let them go home. During that time she had strangers take her away, and she did a lot of bad things because she wanted to go home.

The second family would lock her in the dark when she got too mad. She’d been scared once, had screamed and cried, but one day it stopped being scary. In there nobody wanted her to talk, nobody wanted her to behave, nobody yelled at her. She was safe as long as the walls were close and the room was dark, and the tunnel felt just like that.

She didn’t want to ever leave. She didn’t want to go outside and see Shane ever again! Because Shane wanted to give up, he wanted to be a quitter. He wanted to leave her all alone in the world. 

If she lost Uncle Shane, she lost everything. She lost the stories of her parents, she lost his hugs and his games, she lost her world. She didn’t want Shane to join the stars, she wanted him to herself. Maybe she was being selfish, but Harvey said it was okay to be selfish sometimes.

Harvey. 

He’d been there too. He’d pushed Shane down. He’d lied.

“Jas, dear, please come out.” Penny’s voice echoed through the tunnel as her teacher peeked her head in the entrance. “Let’s just talk.”

Jas tried to talk, but her words got stuck. It was just like before, when all her words dried up and she couldn’t speak, her mind running fast and her mouth not saying what she wanted. 

Jas raised a fist and viciously hit herself in the head, managing to shake the words loose.

“No!” She yelled, bracing both feet against her backpack and blocking the tunnel. “Go away!” 

“Jas-“ Penny cut herself off, and her voice got too quiet to hear. She sounded angry, like that time Vincent and Jas got into a fight and hit each other with sticks. Jas hoped she wasn’t angry at her, even though she wasn’t listening.

“Jasmine.” Shane’s voice replaced Penny’s, and Jas’s face immediately pinched in anger.

“Go away!” She never told Shane to go away since she was a baby. She’d never had to before, since he was never around before a few months ago, before Harvey made him start liking her again.

“Jas- move the backpack.” 

“No!” 

Shane sighed heavily, arguing with someone for a moment before his voice came back.

“Please move the backpack.”

“Fuck off!”

There was deafening silence. Jas knew she wasn’t supposed to use the dirty words Shane used, but she was mad and her words weren't big enough to tell them how angry she was.

She screamed as her backpack was pulled through the tunnel, forcing dim sunlight to stream in. 

“Jasmine Solara Petrovna! You aren’t supposed to talk like that!” Shane sounded grumpy, but not angry. He wasn’t yelling, but it was still making her ears burn and her teeth clench.

“You talk like that!”

“I’m a bad influence! You aren’t supposed to act like me!”

Jas scrubbed at her eyes and kicked dirt at her uncle. She wanted to be like Uncle Shane! She’d always wanted to be strong like him, to play the coolest games and to have her own family like theirs one day. 

Shane had changed after the fire. He’d gotten angry and mean, even if it wasn’t to her. He stopped wanting to be around her, stopped looking at her, stopped loving her. 

But- she’d gotten him back! She’d seen him smile again, gotten swept up in his arms and she was home again, and he was going to leave her alone all over again. She didn’t want to lose him, but she also wanted him to go away at the same time.

There was shuffling and muffled cursing from her uncle, and then another shadow was in the entrance. She peeked over her arms to see Harvey’s concerned face. She didn’t really want to see him either right now.

“I am so sorry, Jas.” He said gently, in his kind doctor voice. It was annoying, and probably fake. 

“Go away!” She snapped at him. She didn’t kick dirt in his face in case it would scratch his glasses, but she did stick up both her middle fingers.

“Do you want some time to be alone?”

“Yes!” Jas folded her arms and glared at Harvey. After a few seconds she added. “But don’t go all the way away. Just don’t get in my tree.”

“Of course we won’t go all the way away.” He pauses. “You really think I could fit in there?” 

“You’ll plug up the hole like Winnie the Pooh, and I’ll be trapped in here until Spring.” Jas didn’t want to be stuck staring at Harvey’s face for months. 

Shane snorted from somewhere outside the hole, making Jas’s temper flare again.

“You said you’d go, so go! Why are you still here? Nobody even likes you!” Even as she said it, guilt washed over her, but she didn’t take back her words.

Harvey gave her a sad little grimace and pulled his head away, standing up. She could only see his and Shane’s feet now. 

They were taking in hushed voices, so she leaned forward to listen, ready to scramble back if they looked in.

“You’re just going to let her stay in there?!” Shane sounded angry, yelling in a whisper.

“She’s not going to stay in there, she just needs a little space, Shane. She needs something she can control.”

“So let her throw a fit in her room, not up a tree’s asshole!” 

“Have you heard of patience? Is that a foreign concept to you?”

“I’ll show you a goddamn foreign concept!” Shane started to say very mean words in Gotoran, words that she definitely wasn’t supposed to know.

“I spent two years in Gotoro, you think I can’t understand the language?” Harvey laughed in disbelief. “Let’s just go sit on the docks so both of you can cool off.”

“If my kid gets bit by a fucking raccoon I swear to god Harvey.” Shane’s voice got a bit quieter as they began to walk away from the tree. 

“You’re more likely to get bit right now than she is if you don’t leave her be-”

That’s fair, she did used to bite Shane a lot before she could talk good. 

Jas buried her face back in her knees and took a shuddering breath that tasted like dirt. 

-

Shane grabbed a stone from the bank as they went to sit on the dock, chucking it at the water with all his strength.

It hit the water and skipped once, sinking unceremoniously and somehow making him even more mad.

“She just needs time to cool off, Shane. Sometimes people need space before talking through things- To avoid explosions.” Harvey said, walking past him and stepping onto the dock. 

Shane knew exactly what he meant. Iris and Shane used to have explosive arguments because emotions were so high. It stressed Joel to no end having to play mediator for them. They’d found their groove eventually, once they were all grown and learned how to solve their own problems, but Iris and him still got into petty arguments up until the day she died. It was a bit of a love language by then.

He sat heavily on the dock with a sigh, craning his neck to look back at the tree. Penny was talking to Marnie over by the fence, both women watching the tree and talking in hushed voices.

Penny sent another scathing look at the two men before turning her attention back to Marnie.

Penny had never liked him that much, but they’d developed some rapport over the past two months. He asked her about Jas’s studies and she helped him get an idea about what she was learning. Overall they were cordial, but she was royally pissed at him. Which was fair, he knew he was the asshole in this situation. He hadn’t meant for Jas to overhear the drunken honesty that had slipped out in his anger, but he had ditched her and forced Penny to bring her home.

Shane stared out over the water. It looked different in the light.

“I didn’t mean it.” He lied, maybe just to Harvey, maybe to himself. 

Shane wasn’t actively trying to kill himself. So what if he was hoping a bus would flatten him so that it didn’t have to be his decision to leave? So what if he didn’t want to wake up anymore? So what if he felt like he’d been a rotting corpse from the day he’d escaped that goddamned fire?

Shane knew that, no matter how hard he fantasized, Jas held him back. Iris and Joel would kill him if he got up there and left her behind, not that he’d end up in the same place as them anyways, but a guy could dream.

Besides, Shane Callahan was far too much of a coward to kill himself.

“Nobody means it until they do.” Harvey said softly, following Shane's eyes to the water. “Would you let me help you if you started to?” 

Harvey sounded far too serious, too grave for Shane's liking. His hands were clasped over his knees, knuckles white from the grip.

“Don't get yourself all worked up there, Doc, I'll be fine. Always am.” Unfortunately Shane kept surviving bad situations, at this point he wasn't convinced he could die.

Harvey nodded, and responded in that same serious tone, “Good. Stay that way.” 

Harvey had lost all his earlier bite. He had gone from being angry enough at Shane to shove him, to looking at the water with a distant expression. His shoulders had sagged, as if a sudden exhaustion had overcome him. Shane could agree to that, though his exhaustion was due to the persistent hangover needling behind his eyes.

Shane didn't say anything more. It felt too much like dishonesty.

“I'm ready for your apology.” 

Both men turned as light footsteps landed on the dock behind them. Jas stood, hands wound tightly in the fabric of her dress, the fabric now streaked with soil and torn in several places. Shane would have to bring it to Emily later to see what she could do to save it. Jas loved that dress, she'd probably worn it to show Harvey. That served to make him feel even more guilty.

“Do you want to come sit with us?” Harvey said softly from beside him, his eyes looking down at the boards beneath her feet. 

Jas hesitated, rocking on the balls of her feet and looking between them like they would start arguing again at any moment. Finally she shook her little head in the way she always did to clear her mind, and she stepped forward. 

She didn’t sit beside them, instead sitting cross legged on the dock behind them.

“I’m not going to do this because you asked.” She said quietly, her anger settled into a tired irritation. “I’m doing it ‘cause I wanted to.”

Shane felt his mouth go dry as blue eyes fixed on him expectantly. Her face was clean, likely wiped down by Penny once she’d crawled out of the tree.

He needed to apologize, but how? It was so easy in his head, but how did he explain all this shit to Jas? How did he admit that he was deeply, irrevocably broken?

He struggled to find the words, mouth opening but nothing coming out. God, he was so pathetic!

He felt a gentle tap to his knee, drawing his attention to Harvey. He searched Shane's face for a moment and gave him a little nod. 

When Harvey turned himself to face Jas, his eyebrows drew together. He frowned, shaking his head. “Jas, I am so sorry. I already apologized to Shane, though you deserve an apology from me too.” He ran a hand through his hair, tousling it and leaving it unkempt. 

Jas crossed her arms and looked at the water. She was upset, but nowhere near where she had been back inside of her tree. 

“I should have never shouted, or pushed him. I don't want to be that kind of person. I was upset, but it's not an excuse. I need to do better. I'm sorry if I scared you.” 

A stormy look crossed Jas’s face. “I wasn’t scared! I just-“ She looked away, and years of reading her mood told Shane she wasn’t fully telling the truth. “You lied to me. You told me doctors don’t hurt people! I thought you weren’t like the bad doctors, that you were nice, but you lied.” 

“I did. I just got so upset that I couldn't control myself, I never thought that I would do that.” He knocked on the wood of the dock, the sound echoing across the silent water. “Have you ever had something like that happen when you were really upset?” 

Jas gave him a look, one that Shane knew well. One that says she's pissed, but she's also pissed that she gets it.

“I thought adults were supposed to grow out of tantrums.” She said snarkily, but she was looking down at her hands.

Shane let out a laugh without thinking, and those fierce eyes snapped up to him. She gave him a downright nasty look, as if he had the right to laugh.

“Harvey said sorry, where’s your sorry? You started it. You said- you said bad things.” She cut herself off like she could even repeat what he’d said, like it physically pained her. 

Shane was bad at words. He was bad at people. He broke everything he loved-

“I’m sorry.” He dragged his eyes to her, panic roiling in his chest. “I got upset, I said something I didn’t mean.”

“You’re always upset.” Jas fired back, quick like her mother. “How come you always get to be upset? I’m the kid and everyone tells me I have to behave and be kind, and you get to be mean and angry all the time! It’s not fair!”

“You get to be angry whenever you want to be angry, Jas.” Harvey said, matter of fact. 

“I am angry!” Jas clenches her little fists. “I’m angry all the time! I’m angry my mom and dad are dead! I’m angry that Vincent gets to go home and have family dinner! I’m angry everyone hates me because I’m a Toro! I’m-“ There were tears in her eyes, but she forced herself to look at her god father. “I’m angry that you don’t love me enough to want to stay with me.”

Shane felt every word like a stab to the heart, the final sentence tearing into his soul. He glanced at Harvey, but the doctor looked shocked. Shane forced himself to look back at Jas, to be brave for once in his life. He wanted to ask questions, wanted to ask where she’d learned that fucking word, but he needed to try and fix what he’d broken first.

“I love you Jas.” He turned his body the full way around, kneeling on the aged dock even as his knees protested. She started to glance away, eyes darting towards the forest to escape the honestly in his eyes. “Look at me. I love you. You were born at 4:17 in the morning. You were six pounds and five ounces. You cried when your father put you in my arms, and that’s the first thing I ever said to you.” He hated talking about feelings, hating being honest and vulnerable, but he’d rather die than have Jas think he didn’t love her. “I love you more than anything else in this fucking world.”

Jas sniffed, playing with the fabric of her dress. Her voice was quiet when she finally spoke, the words shaky. “Why do you want to leave me then?”

How was he supposed to explain this to a kid? Joel would have done this so much better. Iris would have told Jas that people were stars and dreams and hope, and beyond all that, people were love. Shane was just Shane, ash and blood, a sinner to his bones.

“I didn’t mean it. I’m not leaving you.”

“Then why did you say it?” She challenged him.

“I…” Shane took a steadying breath, trying to muster some semblance of confidence. “Sometimes when I get sad, I wish I didn’t exist anymore. I miss your parents so much Jas, but I’m going to take care of you. I’m not leaving.”

Jas looked down at her knees, the wind whistling through the trees and touseling her hair.

“Because I’m your problem?”

Shane’s heart sank. She’d heard that then.

“Jas- no. No I didn’t-“ He hadn’t meant it like that. “You were- are the best thing that’s ever happened to me!” And she was. She was the only gift this universe gave him that it didn’t snatch away. She was all he had left of their life from before. She was everything, and she was the only thing keeping him anchored.

Jas looked almost defeated as she drew a pattern on her knee, shoulders low and spark dimmed.

“Sometimes I don’t want to exist either.” She said softly, stealing the breath from his lungs. “Sometimes I used to wish I burned up too, or that I’d fall asleep and wake up in the stars.” She looked up at him finally, eyes deep pools of grief.

“But I couldn’t. Even when I was with the bad people and you were hurt, even when you got real sick, even when you got mean, I would never leave you behind. Daddy told me to.”

“Joel?” Shane said, as if that was the part he was supposed to latch on to. 

“I don’t remember a lot, but Daddy always said you needed all the love I had, I think it was because you didn’t love yourself enough.”  Jas made a tear in her dress worse as she picked at it, a flare of her temper returning. “Remember when you promised me you wouldn’t give up? Because giving up is for quitters and Petronva’s don’t quit? Where is that now?”

“I’m not quitting!”

“Liar!” She accused, getting to her knees. “You said-” She cut herself off, not wanting to say it. “You want to!” 

“I’m broken, Jas. I’m broken and I’m trying to fix it.” Trying not to let her get cut on the shattered pieces of his soul. To scrape together the shards of the person he used to be and cobble them into something good enough for her.

“We’re broken together. Remember how you and mommy used to say I was your double? If we’re both broken, we fix each other.” She closed her eyes tightly, swallowing before she opened them to stare at him. “Harvey’s helping fix me, maybe he can fix you too.”

Shane’s eyes widened, looking over at Harvey to see the man looking stricken with wet eyes of his own. 

“It's not about being fixed-” Harvey says, quickly wiping his eyes and trying to compose himself. “It's about learning to accept what you've been through and how to cope with it.” 

Harvey looked into Shane's eyes, very seriously. “You're not broken.” 

He looked at Jas and gave her a gentle boop on the nose. “And neither are you.” 

Shane sees the smile threaten to break through her sadness, and he feels grateful. Harvey barely knew them and had already taken so much of his shit, and when Shane finally fucked it up and pushed him over the edge, Jas was there to see it. 

“I forgive you.” Jas grumbled, looking up at Harvey, but still the flicker of spice behind her eyes was there. “No one is allowed to hurt Shane, though.”

Shane almost felt his heart warm at the comment-

“Even when he deserves it.” 

That's more like it, kid. 

“I will use my words next time.” Harvey assured her, looking down in surprise when Jas took his hand and wound their pinkies together.

“Nice words.” She clarified.

Harvey nodded. “Nice words.”

After she freed his pinky she tried to do the traditional Petronva pinky promise, which involved a few steps and tapping each finger against the others’ before a exploding fist bump, but Harvey just confusedly stumbled through it with no idea what he was doing. 

“You're bad at that. Uncle Shane needs to show you the right way to do it.”

Shane spluttered. “Why me?!”

Jas smirked, tilting her jaw up sassily and making a small shower of dirt shake loose from her buns.

“So you and Harvey can make up. Also,  I'm punishing you.”

Shane still had beef with Emily for introducing Jas to Matilda. Ever since she'd read that book she'd had the idea that she could punish Shane when he upset her. Honestly he deserved it most of the time, and he was lucky she'd chosen this over superglue, but still.

Jas was bright and happy after that, bringing Harvey back in the house to show off her room introducing him to each toy and showing off the dollhouse Marnie had built her. 

“-and this is my dress for the Moonlight Jellies! I picked blue this time because of the ocean, and I'm going to wear my pink puffy jacket so I look like a jellyfish! Also because Shane said I had to wear one. What are you going to wear?” Jas rattled on, pulling out the dress Emily had made her for the occasion as she grilled Harvey. Shane leaned against the doorway and watched, head still pounding but mind clear.

Just what had he done to deserve her? 

He had to get his head on straight, had to figure out his shit, because he couldn't lose her. He'd figure this out, if only for her.

Memories of the night before fuzzily flashed through his head as he watched Jas give Harvey advice on fashion.

“Okay monster, hurry up because you're going straight in the bath. I'm going to have to scrub that hair of yours unless you want a tangled mess for the dance on Sunday.”

Jas gave him a look, rolling her eyes and sighing before giving Harvey a tight hug and whispering in his ear. 

She showed the doctor out and only gave Shane a little attitude as he got down the hair bucket, already busy talking about the coming Festival and how excited she was.

It seemed Shane had been mostly forgiven. Whether he deserved that forgiveness, time would tell.

Shane hoped next year would be easier, but after last night, he had his doubts. It only seemed to get harder the more years passed, if last night was any indication.

Chapter Text

“Hold the day, oh we pray, to make it through the night.” 

Drowning, Radio Company

It was Tuesday, the clock read 11:13, and Shane was frozen staring at it.

He’d been there since 10, watching the numbers turn and drinking beer after beer, hoping, praying, he’d pass out before midnight. That he'd somehow wake up on Thursday and skip the day altogether.

A voice in his head reminded him he needed to be up tomorrow for work, for Jas, but the roaring in his ears and ghosts in his head drowned it out. Nothing existed beyond the walls of his room, he was alone with himself. 

He closed his eyes, the brief flash of darkness long enough for memories to assault him. 

Joel leaning down, grabbing the sides of his face and bumping their foreheads with his sunny smile. His laugh, so deep and rumbly, his eyes, blue as the morning sky. 

Him lifting Shane up while they both were drunk, Shane fighting like a wild animal and Joel holding him up like a weightless kitten. Joel playing so bad at Gridball but staying in the team anyway. His arms wrapped across Shane’s waist like a vice grip in his sleep.

His corpse, fallen in the hallway outside his bedroom door. Burned to cinders, his charming crooked jaw exposed and his head bowed. A husk of the man that had once pulled Shane out of the darkness.

Shane opened his eyes.

11:14

He crushed his can and bypassed the beer, grabbing a gin bottle. He wasn’t much for hard liquor, his father had been partial to rum, but there was a time and a place to properly wallow like the garbage he was.

He took a swig straight from the bottle and swallowed with a grimace.

“Big tough rich boy.” A soft, airy voice teased him, lips brushing his ear. “Can’t even drink right.”

He’d shoved her face away, watched her fall back with a giggle as her tight curls bounced and fell across her face, watched brown eyes dance with laughter and red lips curl in a smile. Her sweater, one of Joel’s much too big for her, fell low, exposing one ebony shoulder and both her collarbones.

“At least I’m better than him.” Shane used the bottle to motion at Joel, who was flushed red and clutching his beer. 

Joel smiled sheepishly. “I don’t like how it burns.”

Iris laughed, pushing herself back up and pushing into Shane’s space to snatch the bottle back. She took a long pull from it, lowering the bottle with a grin. 

“What am I going to do with you both?” She asked with exasperation.

Joel lurched forward, somehow managing not to spill his beer as he crowded his huge frame into Iris’s space. He was only seventeen, but he towered over most adults. He looked ridiculous laying his body over Iris’s legs and smiling dumbly up at her like a happy golden retriever.

“Keep us?” He asked with way too much hope.

Iris’s smile widened to an impossible degree, and her eyes softened so much that she almost looked her age.

“Obviously.” She cupped Joel’s face with her hands and leaned over to lay her head on Shane’s shoulder. She smelled like flowers, like alcohol, like dreams. “Nothing in this world would ever make me leave my boys.”

His throat spasmed around another pull from the bottle. He coughed, telling himself that the tears gathering in his eyes were from that.

“They found her in the hallway.” A voice sneered in his ear, a second photograph slammed down as he jerked his head away to stare at the white walls of the hospital. He couldn’t survive seeing her too, not after seeing Joel like that. “She was curled around Joseph-“

“Joel!” Shane snarled, even as his scorched throat turned the words into a rasp. “His name is Joel.”

The man let out a cold little laugh, devoid of any humor or joy.

“That’s not what his parents called him, but then again, you worked real hard to separate him from his family, didn’t you?” 

Shane grit his teeth, soul aching somehow worse than the rest of his body. He wanted to walk away from this interrogation disguised as a conversation, but his body hadn’t been responding to him since he’d first woken up after…

He felt like a corpse most days, rotting in the damn hospital bed while everyone was deaf to his curses and pleads.

“Look at me, Shane.”

“No.” At least his mouth worked, even if the word came out as a croak.

“Look at me and I might put in a good word for you to get that girl back.” 

Shane’s head snapped towards the man so fast his bandages burned from the friction on his neck. He pointedly didn’t look at the photographs on the lap table, staring straight into cold grey eyes.

The officer's mouth twitched up in a smirk, looking pleased with himself for getting what he wanted. His smirk was cruel, and Shane was reminded about how much he hated cops.

“So, are you ready to tell me why you started that fire?”

Shane lurched to the side, throwing the gin bottle to the side and vomiting right on the rug. 

His body slumped, head knocking against the hardwood as he slumped to the floor. He curled in on himself, digging his fingers into his skin and trying to breathe through the mounting panic threatening to consume him.

The clock ticked, another minute towards midnight, towards that day, towards the end of the fucking world.

Shane had thought the world had ended when he was seventeen, with his face busted to hell and nowhere to go, up until he was twenty-five and the world really did end. 

On a Wednesday night near the end of summer, as normal a day as any other, the universe had stopped. The stars had blinked out and the sun stopped shining, and suddenly only the moon was left in the sky.

He forced himself up on shaky arms, unsure of where he was going beyond getting his face off the floorboards. He didn't like passing out on the ground, it reminded him too much of the past, of the shitty apartment that had almost become his tomb after the fire. His body wasn't cooperating with that and he ended up slumping right back down next to his vomit.

He forced his eyes closed, taking a shuddering breath in and hoping he'd manage to sleep through the entity of the next day. He'd been waking up alone for the past four years, but waking up without them tomorrow would be too much.

Shane Callahan really was a useless sack of garbage, wasn't he? 

He was lucky enough to pass out, finding himself in hazy dreams of endless hallways and flickering flames.

Up until icy cold invaded his dreams and sent him rocketed to a painful consciousness.

So, yeah, he'd said some things that he meant a little too much, things Jas was never meant to hear, but he’d earned back her forgiveness.

He'd survived another anniversary, against his will as usual, and now the clock had reset for the next one.

. . .

“Uncle Shane! Uncle Shane! Come on, you're so slow!” Jas stomped her foot in the doorway, an angry puff to her cheeks as her Uncle slowly shrugged on his jacket.

“Did you finish your chores?” He'd given Jas a few extra responsibilities in the last week to burn off some of her energy, and maybe because he liked spending more time with her. It had been good for both of them.

“Yes!”

“Inhaler?” 

Jas rolled her eyes’ patting her purple fanny pack–She'd insisted on getting her own after their hike. “Yes!”

“Jacket?”

“It’s in my arms you blind old fart!” She waved the puffy pink jacket at him like a racing flag,

Shane hid a snort behind his fist, but it was too late.

“You're stalling! You're being a bully, I'm telling Mr. Harvey!” Her face had flushed pink as she stomped one more time for good measure and turned her back to him.

Shane finally let himself laugh, ruffling his goddaughter’s hair. He'd stayed up late braiding her hair after she insisted she needed to look her best for the jellies. It was a good excuse to keep him busy since he'd had insomnia the past week since the anniversary. In turn she'd braided Dolly's hair, so they matched. The doll was tucked under her arm as always, watching the world with her little beaded eyes.

“Alright, sorry princess. We're all good to go.”

“Ugh, finally!” Jas said like the petulant teenager he so wasn't looking forward to her becoming. “Aunt Marnie is probably already there!” 

Jas ran ahead in short bursts before stopping and waiting for him to catch up the whole walk. She was wearing a blue dress over a long sleeve shirt and leggings, her worn sneakers kicking up dust from the dry ground.

She reached the entrance to the beach and snatched his arm to drag him onto the sand, very excited despite the night falling around them.

Shane almost tripped as something small crashed into his side with a rushed apology and grabbed Jas's hands. Vincent.

“Sorry about that! Don't go too far, Vinny!” A blonde young man emerged from the darkness behind him, Jodi's oldest. Sam, or something.

“S'fine.” Shane grunted, eyes on the kids as Sam passed him, running over to another person and practically tackling them. Shane's eyes were drawn to them as Sam secured Robin’s kid in a headlock and began to aggressively ruffle his hair. 

“Seb! Here to remind the town you're not dead yet?” Sam laughed, staggering as he tried to keep Sebastian in the hold. 

“I'm here because you asked me, you dick!” Sebastian managed to get enough leverage to topple them both over, escaping to kneel over Sam to force the blonde’s styled hair into the sand.

Shane hid a smile even as his chest twinged.

That reminded him of Joel and-

“Ah, young love.” 

Shane jumped, head whipping around to see Harvey had snuck up on him.

“What do you mean?” He looked back over to the boys who had detangled, Sebastian helping Sam up as that Abigail girl had joined them. 

“They're adorable is what I mean.” Harvey said with an easy-going smile, standing close to Shane.

Shane looked back at the kids, squinting as they walked off with the boys still shoving each other.

“I mean, I guess?”

. . .

Shane had never been great at socializing, even before the fire. Joel was the sunshine boy and Iris was the community pillar, Shane was just there. He played his Gridball and that was it. Even when the rest of the team had parties he only went begrudgingly, and he was usually miserable the whole time.

After the fire he’d stopped wanting to talk to people completely. He was always angry, always a few words from a fistfight, and scaring people off was best for the both of them. 

Maybe time had changed that, or maybe Harvey had, but it wasn’t as hard to talk to people anymore.

He wasn’t some extrovert now, if anything he was just barely back to pre-fire Shane levels of social. He could tolerate the inane chatter of the locals now without snarling at them, at least.

He gave Caroline a tight smile, nodding as she finished up a story about Abigail’s childhood and how similar she was to Jas.

“Was yours a biter too?” He offered, genuinely a little curious. He didn’t know if that was rude to ask or not, it was Joel who always did ‘mom talk’, Iris and Shane never had the knack for it. 

Caroline’s eyes widened for a moment and Shane felt a flare of irritation, but she continued.

“Oh heavens yes!” They glanced at where her daughter was roughhousing with her two friends, giving as good as she got. Shane wouldn’t be surprised if she could pick either boy up. Her purple hair caught the moonlight, and it was painfully familiar.

He looked away just as fast. Ghosts always came out under the stars, he ought to be used to it by now.

“She chewed on Pierre just about every day! Didn’t bite me as much, mind you, but she was a nightmare when she was teething. Didn’t grow out of it till she was almost three!” 

“Jas never bit her dad, bit her mom a few times, bit me just about every day until she was two.” He didn’t say that she’d started biting again in the foster system, that wasn’t Caroline’s business.

“Her- oh! Yes. Isn’t it strange how kids just choose one parent? I wonder if Doctor Harvey has any insight on that.” Caroline peered at him like he was supposed to say something to that. He just gave her a shrug.

“I haven’t asked him. I’ll bring it up sometime.”

Caroline nodded like that was the answer she was looking for, green hair bobbing from the intricate bun it was tied up in. He wondered how he could convert that hairstyle to Jas’s hair type…

Shane started to tense as he heard someone come up behind him, but his body relaxed when he heard a familiar whistle. There was a certain friend of his that always gave him a warning before touching him.

“Hey Caroline, mind if I steal Shane from ya?” Emily moved his arm and popped up in the gap, tucking herself under it and leaning into his side. 

Caroline beamed, waving her hands. “No, no! Of course not! You two have fun, I’ll keep trying to convince my husband to join the party.” 

Emily gave an answering smile before twisting around and dragging him off with his arm still over her shoulder. 

“Good job socializing, Sid! I would’ve let you keep talking but you started to look a bit green.”

“Thanks.” He grumbled, trying to shake sand out of his sandals as he walked, as if they wouldn’t fill right up again.

“To no one’s surprise Hailey immediately ditched me to go hang out with Alex, so I want someone to talk to! Clint hasn’t come down yet and Elliot is busy studying Leah in the moonlight, so I’m bored.” Emily pulled him on the dock, her beaded flats shuffling against the aged boards. 

“Those shoes.” He said softly, letting himself be pulled. “Did you make them?”

“Yeah! Cool right?” She stopped, kicking out one foot behind her and shaking it at him. The beads were tiny and ceramic, the color of the ocean and sea foam. “I got the beads at an art exchange in the city! Hailey was going to toss these flats so I decided to give them new life!”

The beads were twisted around in a complex design, swirling and coiling around the toes with waves of beads towards the heel. It was familiar, hazy like the memory of a design on Iris’s festival dress, of laughter and running by the sea.

Tsurana.

He spun her around to grip her shoulders, leaning closer and speaking in a low, intense tone.

“That pattern- where’d you learn that pattern?” 

Emily tilted her head, eyes wide. "The beads came with few drawn patterns. I had to use the pictures because I couldn't understand the instructions-”

Shane let out a cheer, picking up his friend and spinning her around. She was lighter than he thought, letting out a startled laugh. She stumbled slightly as she was set back on her feet, hands on his shoulders to steady her.

“Woah Casanova! What was that for?”

“If I can translate it, can you make a pair for Jas?” He was definitely too eager, but he'd instantly recognized the Gotoran beads and similar pattern used in the Moon Sea Festival. 

Iris had them take a trip to the coast every first full moon of summer, with tiny waves painted on Jas’s cheeks and ocean colored beads in their hair and woven onto their skirts and shoes. They’d sent out a hand carved lantern every year to carry their wishes to the gods of the ocean and the sky.

He hadn’t celebrated it since they’d died. The first full moon had already passed.

“Of course I can!” Emily was happy, but confused. “Why would you be able to- Oh! Is it Gotoran? That makes sense! I’d never seen the written language before.”

Shane lost his composure just enough to hug her. The idea of being able to give Jas back a scrap of her culture, to replace at least one thing she’d lost, was overwhelming.

Shane grunted as he was bumped into, arms caging in Emily as he steadied himself and let her go to look behind him. 

“Oh. Sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” Clint stood there awkwardly, hands in his pockets. “I was just trying to get by you to see the water.”

“Oh! Sorry for taking up the whole dock!” Emily scooted out of the way, but Clint didn’t move. “Glad you could make it!”

“Yeah, I had to finish some stuff at the shop before I came down.” 

They slipped into stilted conversation as Shane leaned back against the wall of Willy’s shop. He opened his mouth to answer a question Emily posed, but the words died in his throat.

A scream rang out over the sound of lapping waves and idle chatter. It was furious. It was familiar.

Jas.

Shane pushed off the wall and was running before his brain could catch up, pushing past townsfolk and looking around wildly for his girl.

“Let me go! Give it back! Give it back!” Her screams were reaching a fever pitch, both wet with tears and raw with rage.

He nearly shoved Pam into the water as he pushed through a small gathering, fury settling in his gut as he finally had eyes on Jas.

Jodi had her around the middle as Jas kicked and clawed at the air, thrashing around like a wild animal as Jodi yelled at her to calm down. 

“Put her down.” He snarled, storming up to Jodi. She took a hurried step back, grunting as Jas managed to kick the back of her leg. Jas had spotted him and was pleading with him to help her, making his rage compound.

“I’m not letting her attack my child!” Jodi snapped, readjusting her hold as Jas let out another scream and arched her back.

Shane’s attention shifted to the little boy standing on the other side of the dock.

Vincent was staring wide eyed at his friend, face pale. In his hands, held tightly to his chest, was Dolly.

“Why the fuck does he have that?”

“Don’t swear at my child!” Jodi snapped, looking like she wanted to get in Shane’s face, but was unwilling to let go of the screeching child flailing in her arms. 

 Shane stormed over to the little boy, ignoring Jodi yelling at him. He towered over the child, who looked up at him fearfully.

He held his hand out silently, glaring.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t- it was a joke, I was just teasing! I didn’t mean to make her sad!” Vincent stammered, handing over the doll. 

“I’m not the one you should apologize to.” He said flatly as he walked away, turning his glare onto Jodi.

“Put my kid down.” His voice was ice cold, gaze unwavering.

Jodi set Jas down, the little girl running into Shane’s arms. She didn’t even grab the doll immediately, burying her face in his stomach and taking a shuddering breath.

Jodi was still upset, ignoring Vincent as he tried to pull her away. “Teach your child not go go savage at every-“

“Don’t you dare use that word!” 

“I can use whatever words I—“

Over the sound of the yelling, there was a loud splash, drowning everyone’s attention.

Jodi screamed.

. . . 

“That’s the thing though,” Maru laughed as she sipped at her wine cooler. “They never tell you how shitty some nurses treat the new girls. It’s like a high school!” 

It was true, things could get very catty at the hospital. Doctors or nurses with seniority were sometimes nasty to the new staff. “I once had to write up a charge nurse for making a list of her most to least-favorite nursing assistants and posting it in the locker room.” 

Maru lost it at that, throwing her head back. “Where do people find the time?” She exclaimed. 

“You’ll find workplace drama no matter where you go.” Harvey said with a sigh. It was true. Whether it was when he was working weekends at the antique store in high school, Captain in the military, or running an emergency room, there was always someone stirring up trouble. 

His feet sunk into the sand as he looked out at the docks. A lot of things had happened since he enlisted in the military. 

She elbowed him and gave him a smile. “Except the new place, right?” 

I suppose it’s much easier to avoid drama with only two staff members, one only being around two days a week. 

The sound of hooting and hollering from the dock pricked at his ears. There was a buzz of laughter and conversation all around him. It might have been overstimulating if he wasn’t in such a good mood. 

It was when the positive noise turned quickly into shock, with people gasping and shouting that he started to feel that anxiety crawl back up his spine, swooping up and sinking its claws into his chest. 

When he tugged his shoes out of the sand that threatened to swallow him whole, he took a few tentative steps. One look over his shoulder to see Maru’s face go from lighthearted to stone cold sober reaffirmed the idea that something was up. 

It was when Shane shouted his name from the dock that he felt his blood run cold and the ache in his knee stopped existing. He moved fast, barked an order at Maru, and she was gone. Headed to get his duffle from behind the door at the clinic. 

It’d take her 5 minutes at least to get there and back.

When he pushed his way through the crowd of townsfolk gathered around the docks, he saw Shane and Clint pulling someone out of the water. Abigail was in the water, holding onto the dock and panting, watching them pull her friend from the water. 

Sebastian stood nearby, staring. In shock, most likely. 

When Shane gave one final heave and Sam was laying on the docks, soaked from the ocean and blood oozing from his head, Harvey went to work. 

There’s a laceration that starts at his temple and travels back into his hairline- his blonde hair turning a deep shade of red. 

He quickly checks for a pulse, and can vaguely hear Shane yelling at people to give him space. 

Panic rises in his chest. There's no steady beat under his fingers as he presses them against the young boy's neck. He feels cold from the water.

It’s muscle memory to run a code. He did it 5 or 6 times a day in the city. 

He pressed on Sam’s chest. Hard enough to break his ribs if he was any older, he’d imagine. He could hear Jody crying. 

He blew air into his lungs. 

Watched his chest rise and fall with his own breath.

Shane told Jody to give him room. Held the woman back from running to her boy. Her dead boy. 

30 chest compressions. 2 breaths. 

No change. 

30 chest compressions. 2 breaths.

Nothing.

Is this kid going to die right now? 

30 chest compressions. 

His mom is crying next to me.

2 breaths.

How long has it been? Will Maru make it back with his bag in time for it to matter? He had an AED in it- that would do wonders right now. 

He makes a silent vow to never go without it again. 

30 compressions. 

He makes eye contact with Shane for a moment as he lifts Sam's chin to give him two more rescue breaths. 

Something in him relaxes. He can do this. 

30 compressions. 

“Come on, Sam-” Harvey pants as he lifts his chin again, providing two more breaths. 

The townsfolk had gathered around, now a frozen audience. Harvey thinks for a moment that they've stopped breathing too.

24 compressions-

And a wet cough. 

Harvey, on his knees next to the boy on the dock, sat back on his heels, letting the white-hot pain in his leg seep back into focus. 

It was the the hands wet from sea water and the pain that reminded him of trying to save a boy Sam's age once. The panic of the reaction he'd get telling the boy's mother. Having a real connection to the kid- being his physician, his neighbor. 

He vaguely picked up on the fact that once Sam had finished spitting up the ocean that threatened to drown him, Sebastian had fallen to ground and pulled Sam into his chest, crying apologies and thanking Yoba that he was okay.

You can fall apart when you get home, Soldier. He still has a head wound to treat. 

So he grit his teeth as he sat up, pulling out a handkerchief from his pocket and pressing it hard against the wound on Sam's head while blood oozed out. 

He'd be okay. From the pressure, he could tell there was no fracture. There was a lot of blood, but that was typical of a head wound. 

It's Maru’s hand that gently takes the place of his own. He searches the duffle with bloody hands for what he needs to quickly bandage the wound until they could get to the clinic and stitch him up. 

People along the docks clapped. He'd saved a life.

Clint and Willy helped get him up and into one of the townspeople's cars. Maru offered to stitch up the wound and give him an update when it was done. Harvey nodded. He might have said something in response. 

It was when he got off of the dock and stepped onto the uneven sand that his leg gave way. 

With his hands in the sand, burning from the impact, and sweat beading down his forehead, he let out a shaky breath. 

You hold it together, Whitmore. Don't let them see you like this. 

“Come on, Ace. Let's get you cleaned up.” He heard a comforting voice say, and felt a soft pat on the back. 

Looking up to see Shane, he nodded numbly and rose, with the other man's help. 

. . .

When he stepped into Emily's house and Shane walked him over to the kitchen sink, he felt numb. 

This isn't real.

He felt Shane’s calloused hands scrub at the blood on his own. 

It was when Shane wet a paper towel and wiped at Harvey's forehead, face tender, he recalled the night he'd gone over to have dinner. He wiped flour off of Harvey’s face. He looked at Harvey so differently now. Like a friend.

Something within Harvey decided that now that it was just him and Shane, he was finally allowed to break.

He let out a sob, tearing off his glasses and letting them clatter across the counter. He hunched over and felt his lungs fail- Much like Tommy’s had for a minute or two on the cold dock.

He could feel Shane steadying him, could feel his warm voice trying to get through and say something reassuring, but he was too busy trying to suffocate himself to hear.

Being pulled into Shane's arms and given a bear hug was what brought Harvey back down to Earth. 

“Breathe with me, Harvey. You fucking did it, you just gotta breathe now. That's all.” He said gruffly into his ear. 

Harvey could feel the burning heat in his lungs as he gasped for air, the hot tears falling down his cheeks as he nodded, but didn't have the control to stop the quick breaths. 

Shane took him by the shoulders and pulled away long enough to make him look at his face. “Doc. You're okay. You're in the valley. You saved Sam and everyone is okay.” He looked intensely into Harvey’s eyes, like he was waiting for him to believe it.

Sam. Not Tommy.

Harvey wrenched his eyes shut and gave Shane a quick nod followed by another full body sob, and Shane pulled him back in for another hug. 

. . .

On the walk home, Harvey didn't know if the numb tears that ran down his cheeks were from the pain in his knee or from the fear leaving his body. He'd left his cane somewhere on the beach, so the walk to Emily's had been more like being held up by Shane. The walk back to the clinic was no different. 

Shane was a warm and strong presence. The wet knees of Harvey’s pants brought a cold chill on the summer night. Harvey's arm across his shoulder brought much welcomed warmth and grounded him a little as he absently wiped the tears from his face. 

Maru was sitting at reception and gave a confused look, but promptly looked away. Harvey saw Sam in one of the beds as Shane pushed open the doors that led to the apartment upstairs. Jody and Sebastian were sitting in chairs beside the bed. 

It was when Shane opened the apartment door and helped Harvey inside that Harvey finally felt awake. Shane started to help him take his coat off. 

“I can manage-” Harvey softly said, voice raspy from crying. He shrugged out of the jacket and hung it on the rack with shaky hands. 

“You gonna be okay, Doc?” 

It was a simple question that Harvey knew the answer to. Of course he'd be okay. There was never any danger to him. Though he felt like he might crumple to the floor or vomit once Shane left. 

Probably both. He thought.

“Thinkin’ real hard on that one, Harvey?” Shane gave him a wry smile, tilting his head at him.

He didn't have a response. Shane didn't really need one as he shrugged out of his own coat and made himself at home, crossing the room and sitting on Harvey’s couch. 

“I'm pretty tired and don't want to walk home just yet. Do you mind?” He picked up the TV remote and turned it on. 

Harvey shook his head. 

Shane kicked off his shoes and started flipping through channels. As Harvey listened to the TV swapping from show to show, he leaned heavily against the wall with one hand and guided himself into the bathroom to pull himself together. 

. . . 

When he came out of the bathroom, face fresh cleaned and hair brushed back into place, Shane patted the cushion beside him on the couch. 

“You have to come see this- they're rerunning one of the best Gridball games of the last decade.” He pointed at the TV. “This is the best team we've ever had. Check out the defense on this guy!” 

Harvey had no interest in Gridball, but listening to Shane talk about something he liked was appealing. 

“I don't really understand the game, to be honest.” Harvey said, pulling one of his throw blankets onto his lap and kicking his shoes off onto the floor so he could draw his knees up to his chest under the blanket.

Shane's jaw dropped. “How can you not love Gridball, coming from Zuzu? We had the best team, the Zuzu City Tunnelers!” 

Harvey couldn't help but smile as he shrugged. 

“I'll get you up to speed, Doc.”

Chapter Text

“When the night has come, and the land is dark, 

and the moon is the only light we’ll see. 

No, I won’t be afraid, Oh, I won’t be afraid.

Just as long as you stand, stand by me.” 

Stand By Me, Ben E. King

When his eyes drift open and he’s facing his television instead of his end table, Harvey’s eyebrows draw together. He’d fallen asleep on the couch. Listening to Shane talk about Gridball. 

Upon reflection, Harvey doesn’t remember a thing Shane said to him about Gridball, other than the first ten minutes of shaming he received for not being a fan and growing up so close to the home of the Tunnelers. He doesn’t remember taking off his glasses, but there they are, neatly set on the table in front of him where they’d be easy to find. 

Shane was a good friend. Surprisingly thoughtful.

Harvey couldn’t help but smile to himself as he sat up and retrieved the glasses, ready to start the day. He never set his alarm last night, so he slept in late today. A rare occurrence for the doctor, who normally found himself tossing and turning and waking well before the sun. 

Now that he’d come to think of it, after a night like last night, saving the life of a neighbor with the whole valley watching, he’s surprised he was able to sleep at all, let alone wake softly. 

Harvey couldn't recall the last time that he had a nightmare. That was pretty strange considering how many he really had following his time in the military. 

Maybe making friends was having an even better impact than he had initially hoped for. 

What impact was this friendship having on Shane?

I mean, Shane's demeanor has greatly improved. Just from what Harvey had seen, he used to be a grump and spent every night at the bar trying to drink away his trauma.

When was the last time Shane was drunk?

Harvey feels a sort of warmth thinking about the great strides his friend had made. And then a little bit of guilt for not noticing until now. 

And Jas? Jas is doing incredible. But that was to be expected; she's a strong kid, and she has so much spirit and goodness in her.

Shane has a lot of goodness in him too, if last night and all of the times before when he’d shown me kindness and grace when I’d done nothing to deserve it was enough proof of that. I wonder if that's where Jas gets it.

Just last night, Jas was playing with Vincent. Despite everything that happened with Jody and how she treated Jas-

Jody.

Sam. 

For all the shock of actually surviving the night after having to save Sam's life. How could he forget that the boy was just downstairs… after his heart fully stopped beating beneath his hands. 

Harvey clumsily puts his clothes on and pulls himself together the best he can, but he doesn't take the time that he normally would to present himself as doctorly as possible. With a quick peek in the mirror, he adjusts his collar and tucks a wild curl behind his ear. He wants to get down there before Maru starts her day. 

Of course, if he’d have looked at the clock, he’d have noticed that it was well past time for Maru to arrive. 

When he bursts into the clinic and makes eye contact first with Jody and then with Maru, he gives them a sheepish smile. 

With a quick glance to the left, Harvey can tell that Sam is sleeping, but in good condition. He collects Sam’s chart attached to the end of his cot.

“How's our patient, Maru?” Harvey asks, quickly flipping through the chart that Maru had made entirely herself. 

She was going to be an amazing Doctor someday. She's already learning how to clean up after people of seniority, and that's 90% of the job.

Maru gives him a tight smile and says, “He's been doing great! I've been closely monitoring throughout the night just to be sure. I think we're in the clear, but he may have a minor concussion.” 

Ah, so Maru stayed overnight, too. Harvey notices that Maru is wearing the terrible green scrubs that were standard issue at the hospital back in Zuzu. A few sizes too big, but they have drawstrings for a reason. She deserves a raise. 

“I don't think that he's going to experience any lasting effects… other than maybe a scar from the impact of the dock.”

“Excellent work, Maru.” Harvey notes, signing off on some of the paperwork in the chart and then walking into his office. He sets the paperwork down on his desk to upload to his file online. 

When he steps back out, Jody is standing beside the cot, looking at Sam. Maru quietly heads to reception.

The silence is uncomfortable and Harvey doesn't know what's making it worse- that Sam was gravely injured, or that Jody has it out for Shane and the last time he really spoke to Jody was when she threw a fit at Jas’s birthday party.

Jody had a lot of things going on right now. It doesn't really feel like the time for Harvey to say something to her about the Jas situation, though he feels obligated to address it at some point. 

She almost lost her son last night and she's living in constant fear that someone's gonna knock on her door and thank her for her husband's service. To tell her that he won’t be coming home. 

That she’s a widow. A single mother.

Harvey wonders absently how his parents would have reacted if someone else had come to give them the news about Tommy.

If he died with Tommy, he wouldn't have had to deliver the news himself. Someone else would have. Maybe that would have been better. 

Just as Harvey is picturing the look on his stepmother's face etched onto Jody’s, she says something. 

Very softly, she begins. “Thank you for taking care of him and bringing it back to me. I don't think I could do this without him.” She pauses for a moment and leans down to brush a blond lock of hair off Sam’s forehead, delicately tucking it behind his ear. 

“He was my first. He is so kind and always takes care of Vincent and I. I put so much on his shoulders-” She squeaks, her voice threatening to shatter. As her hand rests on his cheek, she calls to him, “My perfect boy.”

“He's gonna be okay, Jody.” Harvey sighs, sitting in his doctor’s stool with a thud. “Don't be so hard on yourself about the responsibility that Sam has taken on. There's so much worse that a kid can go through.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. “I don't think he would trade his life for the world. Sam loves you, and he certainly doesn't blame you.”

“I just feel like a broken shell of who I once was.” Jody says letting her hand fall from Sam's face and rest at her side. “I used to be kind, open-minded, and welcoming. Now, I just feel guilty. I feel like a bad mother, I feel like a bad person.”

“Jody,” Harvey starts to say, but then she cuts him off.

“All I think about all the time is whether or not my husband is going to die in some country, far away and never see his family again.” She covers her face with her hands and shudders. Quietly, she admits, “Every time I see that little girl, all I can think of is that she’s one of them. That she gets to live here- influencing my son while my husband fights for our right to exist. He wouldn’t want his son trying Toro food or behaving like they do. Even now, he’s over at her house, watching her act like a savage.” 

There it is. 

“I was there, Jody.” Harvey says softly, “You’ve never been.” 

She turns to face him, cheeks flushed and tears forming in her eyes, “Then you should understand better than anyone how I feel-”

“I acknowledge what you feel and why you feel it, Jody. That doesn’t mean I support or understand it.” He crosses his arms and feels his own cheeks feeling a bit flushed. He doesn’t want to confront this woman while her son is unconscious in his clinic, but he can’t sit idly by while this woman spews hate towards the sweetest girl he’s ever known. 

“Your husband is eating Gotoroan food. He’s probably spending time with Gotoroan civilians, getting to know who they are, empathizing with their experiences and learning how to be a better person. He’s over there letting them influence him. He wouldn’t bat an eye at your son eating their food.” Harvey ignores the shocked stare Jody gives him in response. “He’d bat an eye if he heard you calling a little girl such a nasty thing, if he’s half the man your sons are, and as you make him out to be.” 

She sputters for a moment. “Y-you don’t know what you’re talking about.” Hiking her purse up on her shoulder indignantly and looking to the door for escape, “You don’t know Kent.”

“I know soldiers. I know Gotoro. And I know that sweet girl you just spat a slur at.” He huffs out a sigh and lets his hands fall to his lap. “Jody, you can’t project your fears onto this kid. You’re better than that.” 

“Worry about doing your job, Doctor.” Jody says, as she leans down to kiss Sam on the forehead. “And keep your opinions to yourself.”

. . . 

Maru waves goodbye as she heads out for the day. It’s only noon, but she’s leaving early due to her staying all night. 

All of Harvey’s thank yous were waved away. She’d said to him, “You weren’t looking too hot when Shane brought you up to your apartment.” and later, “I knew you’d stick around for me- plus, I didn’t have anything crazy planned last night.” 

She was a good friend, Harvey had meant to say that in the moment, but he just blushed and nodded. 

Once the clinic was quiet, he set his glasses on the table in front of him and pressed his palms into his eyes. What a night- it almost felt like college again, the way he felt so drained from just a small part of the evening before. 

Sam was alright, and Maru pulled all of the paperwork together for him and took care of the kid so that he could rest, so there was nothing to do now except think. 

Harvey never froze up during an emergency. Never. Afterwards, he tended to panic or vomit in the privacy of his own apartment or the barracks at the end of a long day on the field. 

Had another person ever seen that before? Maybe after… after the last day in Gotoro- but before that? He kept a lid on it for the soldiers around him. At the hospital, he never let it show. 

Now Shane had seen how much it took a toll on him. Maru too. 

Embarrassing. 

He didn’t hear Shane come in, but he did hear the coffee cup that was set in front of him on the reception desk. 

Harvey was easily startled in general, but sitting here, wallowing, prepared him poorly for Shane to appear out of nowhere. That’s what causes him to throw out his arms with a yelp, leading his glasses to clatter onto the floor behind him. 

Shane lets out a chuckle, “Nice one, Doc.”

When Harvey sits back up from retrieving his glasses, he smiles wearily. He sips the coffee and tries to adjust his hair so that he doesn’t look as disheveled as he feels. No hope. 

“I went to go check on the kids, you were still asleep when I took off this morning.” Shane said, sipping his coffee. “Vincent is doing okay, just a little spooked by the whole thing.” 

Harvey nods. “Good reason to be spooked. Sam is doing just fine too.” He cradles the warm coffee, letting it soothe his soul. “Thank you for helping me home last night.” 

Shane waves him away with a hand. “Any excuse to fall asleep on the couch talking about Gridball like old times.”

There’s something bittersweet to the tone in which Shane says this, but Harvey doesn’t push. 

“I hope that I wasn’t too difficult a student,” Harvey says, “I don’t think I could tell you a thing I learned about it last night, but it made me feel a hell of a lot better to think about Gridball instead of the chaos from the festival.” 

“We’ll just have to do it again sometime.” Shane says, and then he smiles. 

An actual smile. 

Harvey could get used to that.

. . . 

The morning air bit soft and cold against Shane’s face, chilling the tips of his ears and nose. He stood leaning against the front of the ranch, shoulders hunched against the morning chill and a chipped novelty mug warming his hands. Steam curled lazily from it, twisting up and dissipating in the morning air as the piping hot coffee inside tried to warm the world. The wind stirred, picking up leaves and tossing them around in lazy spirals, never resting for long.

The cows were lowing in the pasture, slow and content, their breath misting in the air. They watched him with glazed eyes, the old girl Bessie resting her head on the top of the wooden fence as she let out a deep bellow. He rolled his eyes fondly at the old girl.

His head was clear, probably clearer than it had been in years. He took a sip from his mug, breathing in the bitter steam and closing his eyes in contentment. 

Shane still wasn’t sure he deserved to feel content, but it was nice nonetheless. His head wasn’t foggy and his hands only shook a little, and his mind wasn’t constantly circling around when his next drink would be. 

He hadn’t stopped drinking completely, but he’d cut back to one or two beers a week and no hard liquor. The memory of waking up to Harvey standing over him, looking terrified and pissed, of Jas running out crying and hiding from him, it was too fresh, too haunting. 

If he couldn’t take a step back and reevaluate his life, what kind of man was he?

He wasn’t perfect. He still lived each day haunted by ghosts of the past and sometimes the only way to soothe his shakes was with a beer, but it was better than before. Baby steps, Joel used to say, don’t rush too fast or you’ll fall.

He walked through the freshly fallen leaves to reach out and give the brown and white cow a scratch under the chin. She was old now, a few months shy of nineteen and long retired. She had gone dry long ago, but Marnie loved her dearly and kept her around as a companion. Shane remembered her from the summer in the valley when he was a shitty little ten year old, always sticking his tongue out at the sassy cow that always knocked him into the mud.

“It’s kind of rude you’re so sweet to Jas.” He grumbled setting his coffee on the fence and placing his hands under her ears, flopping them around. 

Bessie just let out a soft moo, blinking innocently up at him. He huffed a laugh, giving the demon cow another scratch and snatching his coffee up as she moved her head to knock it off.

“Hi Uncle Shane! Hi Bessie!” The storm door rattled as Jas pushed it open, still in her nightgown with her boots thrown hastily on. 

“Jas it’s too-“

“Woah!” She cut him off with a gasp, looking around at the trees and leaves everywhere. “It’s like they changed over night!”

“You say that every year.” Seasons changed fast in the valley for some reason, but it always enamored Jas to no end. 

He’d never seen first hand the way her eyes lit up on the first day of fall though. He’s always been hiding in the kitchen or his room when she’d burst in to tell him that the trees had changed. It was…nice, seeing her light up like that.

She skipped across the path, jumping on patches of leaves and giggling as they crunched under her boots. He shrugged off his jacket to wrap around her when she got close, getting a sunny smile in return. 

“Can we play today?” She turned hopeful eyes upwards, giving her best puppy eyes.

“I’m going to be spending time with Emily today, but after she goes to work I’ll come back home and we can play.”

Jas narrowed her eyes at him before she stuck her pinky out and poked it into his chest.

“Pinky promise?”

“Pinky promise.” He curled his pinky around her tiny one. She beamed, hugging him around the middle.

“I’ll let you go on one condition!” She pulled herself away and squared her shoulders like a little lawyer arguing her case. 

He raised an eyebrow, motioning for her to continue.

“I demand a kiss on the cheek and for you to do my hair.”

“Your hair is still in braids.”

“Uh- then help me put clips in, I want to match the trees.” Her beads were ocean colors still, he’d have to undo the braids later to change out the beads, maybe tomorrow or tonight.

“Yes ma’am!” He scooped her up to carry her inside as she tried to hide a shiver, giving her a kiss on the cheek- and then promptly rubbing his stubble on her face.

She shrieked, laughing and flailing as he brought them inside. 

-

Shane rapped his knuckles against the wooden door, staring up at the faded yellow sun that had been up there as long as he could remember. He shifted the package under his arm, taking care not to drop it.

The door was pulled open roughly, drawing his attention. He opened his mouth to give a greeting, but it wasn’t Emily at the door.

Haley stared at him, looking him up and down before wrinkling her nose.

“What’s that smell?” She greeted him rudely, “Is that you? Gross.”

Shane sniffed his sleeve, not smelling anything different. These were clean clothes and he’d showered this morning.

“Oh yeah.” Haley rolled her eyes. “You live at that cow farm. Do me a favor and don’t stink up my house, Kay?” She gave him the fakest smile he’d ever seen and stepped aside so he could enter the house. He knew he wasn’t welcome, but he stepped inside anyway.

“Where’s Emily?” He shrugged off his jacket to hang it by the door.

“In her room, she’s taking care of that bird you two found last week.” Haley ducked into her room, emerging in a powder pink cardigan. “I’m heading to Alex’s house so you two can be gross all the want.” 

She left before he could ask her what the hell that meant.

“Sid? Is that you?” Emily called out from her room, smiling as he pushed open the door and peeked inside. “I was just feeding our friend, he’s doing really good!”

The parakeet titled its head to the side and chittered at him, doing a little dance on its perch. He gave it a nod.

“I think your sister has some weird ideas about me.” 

“Haley? Don’t mind her, I love her to death but she’s a little bit of a bitch.” Emily chuckled, running her finger over the bird’s beak before turning to him with a flourish and clapping her hands together. 

“So! Everything is laid out on the table, C’mere.” She reached out to grab him by his shirt collar and yank him forward, leading him to her project table like a dog. He let it happen because it was Emily, and only because it was Emily.

She showed him the wooden box the beads had come in, the top carved in a design of a tree he recognized as the Mother Tree, Kaijuro, and little divided compartments on the inside for each color of bead. He picked one up, holding the small bead between his fingers. Most were made from seashells, precious stones, or glass, with a few ceramic beads mixed in. Each had their own meaning, and all were made by hand.

“How much did these cost?”

“I found them secondhand at a thrift store, if you’d believe it. Now that I know they’re Gotoran I could probably get more at the city stands.”

“Bring stuff to barter. They will accept money, but most of the older ladies will give a discount  if you trade. Iris used to collect seashells and pretty stones. She knew them all by name, I never went though. I always felt too out of place.” Iris loved the Gotoro community in Zuzu, as despised as it was by the city itself. She wore her culture so proudly once she was old enough to escape the oppression of the foster system, and she’d had so many precious handmade items that she’d wanted to pass down to Jas.

Emily looked at him, not with pity, but with understanding. She knew he regretted not spending every moment he could with Iris, not investing more in the culture she’s loved. Sure, he’d learned the language and the dances, but it wasn’t enough. It was never enough compared to every moment he wasn’t there for.

She changed the subject swiftly, not letting him dwell on his regret.

“Here’s the papers that came with it.” She handed him several sheets of paper with handwritten notes on them, accompanied by illustrations.

He squinted at the paper, trying to remember how the writing system worked. It was different than how it sounded, using sweeping lines that connected together in designs that translated to words. It had taken him years to learn, and he’d learned alongside Iris and Joel, all of them trying to teach themselves the language through rare books and documents. Iris had the advantage, having grown up in Gotoro, but her village had been small and she’d been very young.

It had given her imposter syndrome, not knowing how to write her own language when she could speak it, so they’d all decided to learn together.

He was rusty, but he knew enough for a rough translation.

“This design you used, it’s for blessing from the sea gods, used for the Tsurana festival.”

“Oh! I picked it just because the colors matched the ocean, that’s lucky.” The documents were handwritten, with drawn directions about which section to pull beads from and how to arrange them. 

He leafed through the papers, setting a few aside and sighing.

“I have a few designs I want done, I’ll pay you whatever you want. This sash is for HoshiKomi, but I won’t need it  yet.” He tapped the papers for the festival of falling stars. “The design I was thinking isn’t in here, damnit.” He tapped his knuckles on his forehead, thinking.

Emily smiled at him, looking exasperated and fond all at once as she wrapped her hands around his and pulled it away from his face.

“Start from the top, Pooks. If it doesn’t exist yet, we make it. How hard can it be?” 

They looked through the designs together, Shane pointing out which elements of each design he wanted, and eventually sketched out a design that was exactly what he had in mind, all using Gotoran techniques.

Emily huffed, looking at the papers covering her table. She turned to him, blue eyes blazing.

“Here’s the plan.” She said firmly, grabbing the side of his face. “I’ll work on it every chance I get, but every weekend until I work you’re helping me. Got it?” 

“Stop squishing my face!” He pulled her hands off his cheeks. “How am I gonna help?”

“Sid I’m not risking doing this design wrong, you’re there for quality control, and also because I’m going to be hunched over tiny slippers for hours, I want company.”

Shane looked at the woman who was undoubtedly his closest friend aside from the doctor, rolling his eyes.

“I’ll bring snacks.” He said in defeat, stifling a smile when Emily twirled away and did her weird little dance.

He reached out to touch one of the beads, rolling a purple bead carved from amethyst between his fingers.

He was trying, and hopefully, somewhere out there, the stars and sun were watching.