Archive of Our Own ^beta

The two hour drive to Buckroe Beach was about as lively as you’d imagine with Penelope, Emily, Tara, a sulking Spencer, and myself packed into a car. Penelope had managed to con Spencer into coming despite his dislike for the entire experience—the sand, the heat coupled with his fair skin, the bacteria, the people—I didn’t really blame him for sulking.

I had a different reason for being excited: It would be my first day at the beach taking my shirt off after top surgery. Before then, any outings with the team where shirts were optional were strictly shirt-on. And a baggy shirt, at that.

I had my surgery the year prior, just near the midpoint of January. I wished I had been able to do it sooner but all of our cases had been too much for me to take time off. I finally bit the bullet after speaking with Emily and took some time off to get the surgery, with some help from Penelope for the first couple weeks, as she so generously offered.

After that, I’d been too anxious to defy my doctor’s orders that Summer and kept myself well covered to avoid any sun exposure on my scars that might cause them to become irritated or worse.

This would be the first time my bare chest would be warmed by the sun in its entirety. I was nervous and excited all at the same time. I couldn’t tell if my hands were sweaty from the nerves or the fact that three of us were stuffed in the back seat.

Penelope over packed sunscreen, which was probably a good idea for the few of us with sensitive skin.

I practically fell out of the car in my haste as we parked. The beach wasn’t too crowded, thankfully. Nothing like it would be just a little more south.

We were the second car to arrive, Luke having arrived with Roxy just a few minutes before us and was already playing fetch with her on the sand. JJ and Will came separately with their kids, as well as Matt and his family. Dave took some convincing, but as soon as Penelope reminded him that he could sneak some wine in a cooler? He was sold.

Mats and blankets were laid out to reserve enough space for everyone. Penelope laid out an umbrella and chair for a highly uncomfortable Spencer, plopping him down with a hat and a book to ease his discomfort while the rest of us continued to set up.

When everything was ready, nearly everyone was present. We helped Dave lug out a massive canopy from his SUV, for the kids, Spencer, and himself to take shelter under. But, mostly himself and his wine.

Eventually, the kids and their parents dispersed to play in the sand and water. Emily and Tara took off toward the water with Luke and Roxy. Spencer stayed sitting with his book, but glanced up at his godsons and their elated expressions and looked conflicted on the matter. Dave…Dave popped open a bottle of wine and pulled out his reading glasses and an e-reader.

I stood there, still under the shelter of the canopy fiddling with the hem of my shirt. The team had known I was transgender for a long time. They were well aware and no one had any issues as far as I knew.

So why was I so hesitant?

“Come on, slow poke!” Penelope waved me over as she followed Emily and Tara to the water.

“Sorry,” I laughed awkwardly.

I closed my eyes, and in one breath took my shirt off. A breeze blew, skimming over my skin almost immediately. The sticky, ocean air was almost pleasant for once.

I couldn’t help but smile as I looked down.

Penelope wolf-whistled my way.

“Looking good, kid,” Dave glanced at me over his glasses.

My face heated up from all the attention, and not from the temperature outside.

“Here,” Penelope ran back, careful not to trip in the sand. She grabbed the sunscreen and helped me cover my back, while I handled the rest.

I tied and re-tied my shorts, before Penelope had enough of my shit and took my hand, dragging me to the water.

I stopped on the way, just short of the water as a wet ball of fur ran up to me with a toy in her mouth and her butt wiggling wildly.

“Hi, sweet girl,” I cooed, petting her soaked fur.

She howled happily behind her toy, front paws bouncing excitedly on the goopy sand. Luke stood calf deep in the water watching the interaction. His eyes were locked on Roxy, a wide smile gracing his features.

I took the toy from her, unable to stop grinning as she spun around and pranced in the salty water, waiting impatiently.

Luke’s eyes drifted to me, his smile disappearing. I didn’t miss a second of it either, the frown mirroring on my face. I lost my concentration, throwing the toy too short but Roxy was happy to chase it nonetheless.

I drew my brows together at Luke.

What the hell was his problem?

A wave kicking up a particularly cool round of sea spray broke me out of my thoughts as I involuntarily squinted. For the first time since I saw a peek of my chest after the surgery, I felt free. A little scared—sure—but proud, or trying to be, I guess.

But, I couldn’t make out Luke’s look and that bothered me. He wasn’t glaring, but even as I made my way into the water toward where Emily, Tara, and Penelope were treading water, his eyes followed me.

“What’s wrong, sunshine?” Tara kicked over, handing me an extra drink she had brought with her. “I don’t like not seeing that smile, hun.”

“Nothing, just saltwater in my eye,” I blinked rapidly. “I’ll be good.”

After some time swimming, a tipsy Penelope announced it was time to play volleyball. Dave politely declined, happy to watch from the safety of his canopy. Spencer looked torn between the insistence of Henry and Michael and the comfort that was a lack of sand on his body. The boys eventually won, and after covering Spencer in a thick layer of sunscreen, we were spread out on the sand with only a line drawn to indicate a net.

Luke and I were on opposite teams, and even now through the chaos that was our BAU family, I continually found his eyes through all the flying sand and giggles.

His expression was the same as before, infuriatingly neutral. I felt anger simmering below my skin.

Why did he have to keep staring?

Was he judging me for not being as built as him? I worked my ass off post-surgery to get back to full strength and fill my chest out.

Sure, my chest was nowhere near the size of his. I wasn’t unrealistic, but why? Why. Was. He. Staring?

Is it the scars? They’re noticable but I was diligent to the point of obsession in putting scar tape and scar cream on them. They’re raised still. The skin still needs time to recover but I use that fucking cream every day.

I tried to focus back on the game, feeling my head overwhelmed with all my negative thoughts. But I was too far gone, spiralling as more and more thoughts flooded my brain.

Am I just imagining it?

Am I an asshole if I ask him to stop looking at me?

Would that make it weird if I did?

Would I make it weird?

A wave of anxiety and nausea passed through my body. I stumbled back from the game. The sun was too hot and overwhelming for my thoughts at the moment. I stumbled over to Rossi’s canopy, his mansion on the sand, ignoring what everyone else said—unsure if they were even talking to me.

I let myself fall into one of the many chairs brought, finding my shirt among the mess and pulling it over my head before laying back into the chair.

“You okay?” Rossi looked over at me with a fancy (but plastic) cup of wine in his hand.

“Yea, just got dizzy,” I closed my eyes.

“Here,” Dave called before tossing a water bottle my way once I opened my eyes.

“Sure, that’s all?”

“Yea,” I gave him a small smile—all I could manage right now.

Dave didn’t push, looking over my face once more with the clear expression of a concerned dad.

I watched the rest of the game through half-lidded eyes. Penelope threw me concerned glances but I gave her a thumbs-up and she stressed a little less. I watched Spencer in all his lanky glory, get his bearings and adopt a competitive streak in no time. I watched Matt lift one of his kids up to hit a particularly high ball—all smiles and laughter.

I refused to look at Luke.

Roxy trotted over after nearly getting trampled one too many times in the game and plopped herself at my feet on a blanket, her fur now dry and crinkled.

I let my eyes close, worn out from the sun, activities, and mental leaps I was making. I didn’t remember falling asleep, but the next thing I remembered was a gentle hand on my arm. I startled, a sharp intake of breath sounding as I blinked rapidly and sat up.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Luke gave me a lazy smile, the only real expression he’d given me all day.

His hand was outstretched, offering me a wrapped sandwich, “Kristy made them for everyone, figured you’d be hungry.”

I silently took it, my eyes leaving his face quickly to look around at everyone else. They filled chairs in a random order, some with kids in their laps, some outstretched on the blankets.

“Thanks,” I said to no one in particular.

Luke stood there a beat longer, before snapping out of his thoughts and looking for a place to sit. He sat next to Roxy, who was still at my feet but now contorted into a C-shape on her back—not looking comfortable whatsoever but somehow sound asleep.

“The sun wear you out?” Luke unwrapped his sandwich, digging in like he was starved.

“Mm, yea,” I nodded, picking at the plastic wrap.

Penelope found my gaze, giving me a concerned frown and looking Tara’s way, who had a matching expression.

I felt Penelope’s presence before I heard her, looking up as she touched my wrist, “Bathroom?”

I looked over to where Tara was already standing and sighed. I knew an intervention when I saw one.

“Sure.”

We trudged along the sand for a few minutes, far enough to get out of sight before the questions started.

“What’s going on?” Tara asked softly. “Really.”

I laughed and shook my head, “It’s so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid if it’s making you feel like this,” Penelope squeezed my hand.

I sighed, “It’s just dysphoria, I guess.”

“Is it something we did?” Tara asked.

“No, well, not really. I don’t—I-I just...spiraled.”

“But is there something we can do to—stop it?”

“No, it’s—it’s really something I have to get through myself. I just…it was Luke.”

“Luke?” Tara raised her voice, sounding like she was ready to go to war.

Penelope frowned, “But Luke adores you.”

I scoffed, “‘Adores’ is a strong word. But, we’re cool enough. And—I don’t know—he was staring at me all day like…with zero expression and I guess—I guess it made me wonder what he was looking at? If he was staring at my scars or the muscle I tried to put back on—or—” I sighed. “I got overwhelmed and angry. If he has a problem, just say it. He’s never had one before and all of a sudden he’s being weird?”

Tara and Penelope shared a look.

“What?” I looked between them. “What?!” I reiterated impatiently.

“You know Luke makes heart eyes at you right?” Penelope giggled. “Like honest to God cartoon heart eyes.”

“Oh, shut up, guys. I’m being serious.”

“So are we,” Tara nodded.

Penelope, God love her, I could see stretching the truth. But for Tara to agree with her considering the sensitive nature of the topic was another story.

“Then why…?”

“That’s going to be a question for him. Not us,” Tara shrugged.

I groaned.

We walked a little bit longer so I could get my frustrations out before going back to the group. We’d been gone so long that everyone had eaten and gone back out to play in the water, Spencer included this time.

Dave, Luke, and Roxy sat quietly under the canopy, all watching the mayhem of their family with joy.

Luke smiled at us as we came back, beer in hand as he leaned back on his free arm. Roxy’s head lifted, her tail wagging as she scrambled up at seeing Penelope. Penelope and Tara took her to play, much to my dismay at being left with Luke and Dave.

The fact that Luke was smiling at me now with my shirt on spoke volumes.

“Do you wann—” Luke was standing now, pointing to where the others frolicked in the water.

“Not really,” I cut him off.

Luke laughed incredulously, “I…didn’t even finish my sentence.”

“Yea,” was all I could reply as I sat in a chair.

“He—D-Did I do something wrong?” Luke looked…hurt.

Good.

“No.”

Dave peered over his sunglasses at us with all the tact of a gossiping teenager.

I sighed, “Sorry, Dave.”

I heaved myself out of the chair and walked onto the sand, my t-shirt fluttering around my stomach with the wind.

“Why are you avoiding me?” Luke stomped through the sand after me.

“Why do you care so much!?” I snapped, stopping so quickly that Luke nearly ran me over. “You didn’t give a shit when you were staring earlier.”

Luke was silent, cogs turning in his head as his mouth formed silent words. His eyes fluttered shut like he was caught, “Shit. I wasn’t—it’s not like that. I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable.”

“Well, you did,” I nearly spat. “So, if you have something to say about my surgery, you can say it to my face.”

Luke looked helpless, looking down at the sand and then out at the beach. He visibly gulped and looked at where my eyes were boring holes in his head, “You look really really good.”

I didn’t say anything, blinking and shaking my head at how he was covering his ass.

“I mean it.”

Luke stepped closer, not too close, but enough to close the huge distance between us. He reached for my forearms, where they were crossed protectively over my chest. Slowly, he untangled my arms, and took my hands in his. I let him, reluctantly, but knew he wasn’t going to try and hurt me physically.

“You looked so happy down there on the water when you first took your shirt off. When you were playing with Roxy—and—well, you should be,” he spoke softly. “You have every right to be.”

I had to shove my hurt out of the way and look at him like a profiler to see that he was being sincere. A steady voice, open posture, and honest eyes. He actually meant it.

“You looked like Summer. Like the epitome of what it means to be carefree and just—happy—happy to be alive, to be here…”

Luke trailed off, licking his bottom lip as I fought the tightness in my throat.

“I didn’t even realize I was staring so hard or that I wasn’t smiling. I was just—you caught me off guard. And then seeing you leave and cover up, I didn’t realize it was my fault and I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

I wanted to scoff but the emotion in my throat wouldn’t let me. My eyes stung and I moved to wipe them but Luke wouldn’t let my hands go. I blinked rapidly instead.

“You’re full of shit,” I laughed.

Luke smiled sheepishly, cheeks darkened and slightly red from the sun, “I usually am. But, not this time.”

“Why—”

“I wanted to say something—earlier—but it felt weird to hit on you while you were clearly enjoying your moment. I should have just told you that you looked amazing and moved on.”

“H-hit on me?” was all I could blurt out.

Luke laughed at my lost expression, “That was your take away?”

He stepped closer, slowly, his face all I could see in my field of view at this distance.

“Yeah, hit on you,” he rolled his eyes at my lack of response. “I’m kinda crazy about you.”

“But—you—and I—?” I started and stopped several times. “I’m sorry I was being such a dick. I—I spiraled because—I don’t know—you staring made me think the scars were the only thing you could focus on or that I didn’t look as good anymore—”

“No, no, no, no, hey,” Luke pulled me closer until his arms were wrapped around me. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It’s my fault for being a weirdo.”

Luke’s arms tightened around me, not uncomfortably, “You look damn good.”

“Thanks,” I mumbled, despite everything, not taking a compliment well. “You, too, I guess.”

“Yea? You think so?” he smirked.

I rolled my eyes and slapped him in the chest.

“What can I do to make it up to you?” he murmured.

“You can kiss him already, Christ, this is painful to watch,” Dave shouted, popping open a second bottle of wine.

I snorted, “Someone is gonna have to drive him home.”

“Yea,” Luke chuckled. “Can I—? Uh, kiss you, that is…not drive Dave home.”

I swallowed my laughter, opening my mouth long enough for a soft, “Yeah,” to leave my lips.

Luke leaned in slowly, giving me every chance to pull away. When our lips met, it was warm but careful, like a question and an answer all at once.

He tasted like the salt in the air and the cheap beer he’d long since finished. His nose brushed mine, and his breath hitched when I kissed him back just a little harder.

It wasn’t perfect. It was too sandy, too public, and too clumsy from nerves—but it was enough.

A squeal erupted from the water as we separated. The squeal led to a bark from Roxy and then more squealing and clapping. But, all I could focus on was the way I could feel his smile against my lips before I saw it.

Luke pulled away with a huge smile, “Gotta keep it PG for the kids. Race you?” He nodded his head toward the water.

I grinned, twisting out of his arms. He took off toward the water, looking back at me as I stripped my shirt off, tossing it into the sand and chasing after him. He slowed as I caught up, cutting me off and lifting me off the sand. My arms instinctively wrapped around his neck as our lips met.

Luke continued walking into the water, separating as Roxy swam over to take my place in Luke’s arms while Penelope tackled me into the water with an excited scream.