Chapter Text
The button was pressed in the midst of their grabbing and punching and kicking and stabbing.
The father of a baby fighting for the opportunity to sacrifice it for his own selfishness. Player 333: risking his own life against Player 456 in order to rid of his own flesh and blood.
For only 45.6 billion Won. Gi-hun would deem her life priceless.
A precious life almost taken just as quickly as it had began.
As if Gi-hun himself wouldn’t kill for just one more look into his own daughter’s eyes.
When he had knelt beside the baby, kissed her forehead and as gently as he could, pressed her onto his clothed chest, the echo of the announcement that the games had ended had gone unnoticed. All Gi-hun could do was hold her, eyes bleary as he waited for anything to happen.
The scratching sound of the cement elevator at the center of the platform had caught his attention. It’s as if everything after that had been a blur.
The Frontman—no—Young-il and Gi-hun exchanged little to no words as it was understood Gi-hun would be taking the baby back with him. Though he didn’t miss the way Young-il’s eyes had lingered on the child.
How much of his story was true?
A hard blink and a curt nod and Young-il was never to be seen again. Gi-hun was issued off to leave the island.
Naturally, he was given access to ₩45.6 billion once more. Both his and the baby’s earnings combined.
Looking at the price on the ATM screen glowing back at him made him nauseous. He couldn’t bring himself to lift a hand to close it. Gi-hun couldn’t bring himself to even lift a hand to touch the same card that carried the billions of Won he felt he never deserved.
What total price did that make now?
How much was Gi-hun worth as he stood there in that very moment?
A small huff from the sleeping baby on his chest snaps him out of his daze.
“Sir, did you need help?” A gentle voice is heard behind him. Gi-hun glances back as shakes his head. Embarrassed from his distraction, he withdrawals enough money to get himself and the baby a ride home and practically yanks the card out of the slot and shoves it deep into his pocket.
It weighs heavy against him.
In an attempt to keep his hand off of his clothed thigh, he keeps his hands on the baby in a gentle grip the entire ride back to the Pink Motel.
—
Gi-hun has raised a baby before.
It’s almost unbelievable how he’s somehow gotten this second chance at fatherhood. Gi-hun’s mind is constantly occupied with Ga-yeong.
She was this small once.
He beats himself up for being so cowardly on the phone call before his admittance back into the games. What if he hadn’t survived this second time? Ga-yeong would have felt as if she was abandoned. But is that far from reality?
Now she’s in a different continent calling another man her father.
Several days old now and Gi-hun can only really be grateful for the distraction that the baby brings. Though every time he sees a commercial advertising a baby product he can’t help but think about how her parent’s are dead and she’ll grow up never to know why.
Her mother’s fate determined by her love and her father’s out of greed.
It sounds all too familiar.
As Gi-hun sits on the edge of the bed in his designated room, he pats the baby’s back as the wailing slowly subdues. The glow of the television burn’s his tired eyes but it’s too early to set her down for some proper rest.
It’s then that a commercial flashes across the screen.
The company that you work for.
A hot flash of something crosses Gi-hun’s chest.
Is it excitement? Is it just plain remembrance?
He watches with intent, as if any moment now you’ll pop up and declare that you’re still here—you’re still alive.
Maybe Gi-hun hasn’t lost everyone.
When the baby is put down for the final time of the night, Gi-hun’s thoughts are filled with you.
—
It’s purely coincidental.
You’re both in the same subway cart.
Gi-hun has the baby with him and you’re sitting a distance away, every so often covered by other’s standing bodies. It’s like he can’t help himself. He stares and stares, and on autopilot, gently patting the baby’s back as it sleeps against his chest. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want her to wake up and disturb the clear view he’s got of you.
It would be a lie to say he hasn’t been trying to keep his tabs on you. But every time he’d walk past your apartment or office building, you were nowhere to be found. Though it gave him some relief seeing those same curtains and potted plants in the balcony. Gi-hun wasn’t careless enough to break in once more, especially when he’d been with the baby.
Seemingly, that was every waking moment at this point. Not only was she too young to be taken care of by a nurse or nanny, but Gi-hun didn’t want her out of his sight. He’d formed too much of an attachment to her. So much so it ached to leave the room she was in.
He’d already lost his daughter to distance—that will never be repeated.
Gi-hun felt he was well equipped to take care of a newborn anyway. It’s just as if Ga-yeong had a sister. The stress was a distraction. A good one, he isn’t sure. But a distraction nonetheless.
He’s not really sure why he doesn’t want to be seen, at least just yet. But there’s a look in your face that concerns him. You’re spaced out, dissociated almost. Your small work bag is being gripped hard in your tight fists. The stopping of the subway is what makes you snap out of the haze.
Even though it’s not Gi-hun’s stop he follows you out. He’d gotten what he needed for the baby anyway. It wasn’t feeding time just yet.
Without thinking he exclaims your name and with a hard turn you look back at him. Your face looks angry for a millisecond before it softens. Just as quickly as your gazes had met, your eyes fall onto the baby in his arms.
“Gi-hun?” He nods in acknowledgment and a small smile finds its way to his lips. It’s more relief than anything else. “How funny—“
“I didn’t think I’d see you again.” And he’s telling the truth. He’d expected to die when the second game was determined to be different from when he’d played the first time.
Has a player won two games in its history of existence?
That’s something Gi-hun would rather not think about now. At least not while you stand before him.
“It’s so great to see you!” You take a step toward him, making a small face as people rush all around the group of you in the middle of the station. Gi-hun tries not to think about how cute it is. But as you approach he sees the drying wetness just barely noticeable under your eyes. As he opens his mouth to ask if you’re okay, you speak. “Is this…what a pretty baby,” A wide grin splits your face. “I didn’t know you—“
“She’s not mine,” Gi-hun quickly clarifies. But he feels guilty admitting it. The baby is technically his now. Just not his own flesh and blood. But he loves her just the same. “Well, at least—“ he clears his throat as it stings. Flashes of screams and gore fill his mind. Jun-hee’s voice begging him not to come back to save her echos somewhere far away. His fingers feel numb. “I’m taking care of her.”
“Oh like your niece?” And it’s not like you could know what Gi-hun has been through. But he wishes you’d stop asking questions.
Gi-hun only shrugs, the smile on his lips returning awkwardly as he shifts his grip around the child. It’s a neutral response. How can he tell you that he’s seen people die and fall into murderous rage more times than you could guess? That’s how he got the baby.
He’s killed once and watched others kill over their own greed. A chill runs down his spine.
And this is his reward—new life.
Almost a new start in more ways than one.
“Where are you off to?” Gi-hun can’t help himself again. It’s like he’s afraid to lose anyone else he’s ever known. He must keep his love close where it can’t be exposed to the threat of being taken away.
“My apartment.” You shrug, dejected.
“You…you just got off work?” It’s a stupid question, but anything to transition into what he really wants. The baby wriggles in his arms and he shifts again.
“Yeah,” You sound unsure almost. “Just gonna…go home.”
“Well, why don’t you join me for some early dinner? The baby is going to get hungry soon anyway.”
“Oh,” A small nervous flutter blooms in his chest. He doesn’t like how apprehensive you sound. Is it so strange? Is Gi-hun strange for inviting you into something so intimate? “Right now?” Gi-hun doesn’t miss the way you wipe at one of your eyes. The skin must be sticky with dried tears. He wants to wash them off for you. He gives you a short nod and you glance around as you think it over. “But I don’t want to—the baby—“
“It won’t be a bother. She’s only about a week old,” The surprised expression on your face makes him speak quickly to avoid inquisition. “She’ll sleep after I feed her. Then we can catch up.”
“A couple weeks of catching up,” You let out a small huff in laughter as you both begin to walk slowly toward the exit. The hesitation is still there. Gi-hun’s eyes never leave you. It’s like he’s afraid if he looks away, you’ll disappear. “I’m afraid I don’t have much to share.”
Something about the comment makes Gi-hun feel embarrassed.
If he doesn’t discuss any of the horrors he’s lived through, he really has nothing to share either.
It hasn’t been long, but it’s affected him severely. How couldn’t it?
There are days where he sulks in bed, awake for almost a full 24 hours, dreaming of a time where he could sleep without the threat of a panic attack or a nightmare to wake him.
Sometimes he’ll turn on the television just to fill the empty noise as he slouches against the backboard of the bed. He’d given himself the luxury of a proper bed since he’s gotten the child. He figured it would help with the rest.
Naturally, it didn’t.
Gi-hun can be so exhausted at times that he has almost no reaction to the crying baby. He will take her, pace around the room to calm her from her own discomfort, and hours after she’s fallen asleep he’s still mindlessly pacing.
It’s like he can’t help himself. He wants to pour out all his grievances onto you, to explain that you could help him through it all.
Not even Gi-hun himself knows how.
—
Your initial reaction to the Pink Motel is nothing special. But it’s when you both are walking down the dim hallways of the building that he can sense your uneasiness.
Is this the first time you’ve been lured into a sketchy place with a man and a baby? Or are you just too trusting for your own good?
How scary can Gi-hun be while he holds a child?
Could you imagine him with a knife in hand, piercing skin as he holds this same baby to his chest? Not that you ever could, but Gi-hun wouldn’t want you to see that side of him.
He was hungry and filled with despair when he squeezed those hands around Dae-ho’s throat. These same hands hold precious life now.
Gi-hun’s hands shake as he rounds the wall into his designated room. It’s cleaner than it had been before, but there’s the musky smell of unwashed blankets and some dirty dishes and clothes scattered about. The only real addition to the room is the baby bassinet next to the bed. It’s the most expensive one he’d found.
Anything for her.
You linger by the doorway as Gi-hun sets her into the bassinet. He clicks his tongue at her as she whimpers from the transition and he makes sure she’s comfortable before he straightens up and turns to you.
The only time he really smiles is when he’s with the baby.
And when he thinks of you.
But Gi-hun has got you now. You’re here, right in front of him. What would happen if he quite literally never let you go?
“Are you sure I should stay—?”
The indecision makes him nervous. You can’t go, not yet at least. Hopefully there will be a time where that means never.
“It’s alright,” Gi-hun waves his hands to gesture for you to come in and you only take a few steps before awkwardly standing in the middle of the entrance. He glances at himself in the mirror above his bed and his face burns with embarrassment. Does he look that sick still? After being starved during the games and only ever eating when the baby does, he looks more sick than he had looked just a couple weeks ago before the games. “I’ll serve you something quick.”
You glance behind you at the washroom area and then over at the sad dining setup. Gi-hun ushers for you to sit and you do so, setting your bag onto the table. You don’t speak. Either because you’re upset or feeling awkward, but Gi-hun’s old self is nowhere to be found. He’s no longer equipped with the skill of casual conversation.
Gi-hun’s mind races as he situates the baby with some food. In his head he’s listing all the things he needs to do for her. Clothes, food, toys—it’s better than occupying his mind with the fact that his brief absence to you meant an entire lifetime to him. He notices the way you perk up when he makes his way over to her, but all you do is watch him from afar.
“How was work?”
Gi-hun is sat at the front end of the bed, a small glance over at you and he takes note of your curious eyes. It’s a generational thing, perhaps. The fact that people your age aren’t having kids as much as they had been back when Gi-hun was in his 20’s.
The question makes this all the more domestic. But instead it should be you holding the baby, feeding her as you look down with love gushing from every part of you. Instead it’s Gi-hun’s responsibility. But what he wouldn’t do to see you in such a maternal state.
“Um—it was fine. Work, you know,” you shrug and Gi-hun nods his head in understanding. “Just getting the hang of it.”
“Not too stressful?”
“Mmm—no.”
It feels so strange to have such an awkward conversation. The once lively girl working at a convenience store now seemingly defeated and unsure of herself. Gi-hun wants to ask about the tears, but it feels a little out of place. He also doesn’t want to embarrass you.
Brief exchanges of conversation between the both of you end when Gi-hun finally puts the baby back to bed. Gratefully, without a fuss.
Gi-hun is only really able to whip up some rice with a small side dish of instant food. The only real food he has is for the baby. It’d be a lie to say he hasn’t been subconsciously neglecting himself as he obsesses over her well-being.
“Are you okay?”
It’s a shocking question coming from you. Your eyes are a little red and in this dim lighting he can still see the dried wetness around them.
“Me?”
“Yeah,” You blink at him. “You look kinda sick.”
“Oh,” Gi-hun clears his throat as he moves the food on his plate around. Suddenly, his appetite is gone. The memories remain. “I’ve—“
“I mean,” You quickly lift a hand and your eyes widen. “You don’t look bad. Like you’re—handsome but I’m—I’m just—“ You press a hand to your face. Gi-hun tries not to linger too much on the compliment. “That was so rude—what I meant was—“
“No! No…I understand,” Gi-hun lets out an awkward huff of a laugh. “It’s just the…” he nods his head over to the bassinet.
“Baby.”
“She’s very little…”
“Whose is it again?”
You squint your eyes at him almost suspiciously so. He doesn’t really owe you much of an explanation, but he feels as though he really needs to prove to you that it isn’t his biological child. Do you think he’s got some young side piece he knocked up? Gi-hun doesn’t think it’s too far fetched for you to think seeing as he’s associated with you.
“A friend of mine,” Gi-hun looks down at his food as nods, like if he agrees with his own lie. “She comes from a friend of mine.” It’s such a strange choice of words and it’s hardly believable. He hopes you just believe it.
“So you’re taking care of her now?”
“Yes.”
“Oh,” You nod in understanding and bring your attention elsewhere. “She’s so young though. How long?”
“She’s—“ Gi-hun’s throat runs dry. “She’s mine now.” He doesn’t mean for it to come off so possessive but it’s a true statement.
“Oh,” You hum. “So adopted.” He nods.
Silence floats between the both of you. Gi-hun discreetly glances up at you as you stare at the bassinet from your seat. You chew slowly as you think, blinking before forcing your gaze away and back down to your plate.
“You look tired yourself.”
Your eyes snap up toward him and you give him an awkward smile.
“Yeah I’ve…” You wave a hand in the air.
“Not been sleeping well?”
“Sometimes.”
“Why’s that?” Something stirs in Gi-hun. What’s making you so stressed? How can he fix it—get rid of it?
“Work.”
He knows it’s irrational, but he’s starting to get a little irritated from your short responses. Don’t you trust him enough to vent about your day? Why can’t you feel leveled enough with him to share your strife? Gi-hun feels maybe he’s been playing pretend too much in his head.
This isn’t a game of family. This is a young girl he’s preying over. Gi-hun is a man who’s been through hell and back. Maybe he’s just selfish in other ways.
“What’s happened?”
“My boss is a—“ You stop yourself with a curl of your lips. Look at you trying not to be disrespectful in front of an elder. “Not nice. He yelled at me today.”
Gi-hun stares at your face, watches as you avoid eye contact from shame. A chill runs through him.
How dare anyone do such a thing to you.
“Over what?”
“I forgot to send a file,” You suck in a breath. “It took two seconds to send it over. But we were in the middle of a presentation so—and he just yelled at me.”
“In front of others?”
“Mm-hmm.” From the sound of your shaky voice Gi-hun can tell you might cry once more.
For a brief moment he feels the warmth of flesh under the palms of his hands.
Squeeze—squeeze—
Gi-hun’s fingertips begin to tingle with anxiety. What had changed in him that he was willing to imagine murderous intent so willingly?
“Doesn’t matter though.” You quickly add to fill the air.
But to Gi-hun it does.
Silence and more casual conversation ensue throughout your stay.
Before you leave, you both linger at the glass doors of the Pink Motel. Gi-hun almost reaches out to gently grip at the fabric of your coat. How can he coax you to stay? To cry into his arms instead of alone. He could kiss it better, he knows he could.
Gi-hun’s stomach hurts from a proper meal and the yearning he feels for you.
A small, gentle press of your warm palm on his shoulder during the goodbye keeps Gi-hun up late into the night. If only he could carry your stress and your worry. Just as he did with Jun-hee and Geum-ja. Maybe you would not suffer the same fate.
Maybe he could get rid of it.
That night he dreams of Dae-ho.
—
This time the run-in is purposeful.
He couldn’t help himself. Now that he’d gotten you he needed to have more. But no contacts were exchanged at the end of the night. How was he to make sure you’d never leave out of sight? Gi-hun was determined to have you under his watch. It was to make sure you were okay. That’s all it was.
Gi-hun is with the baby as usual. She rests against his chest in a sling, bundled to stay warm from the autum weather. She always sleeps so peacefully like this—the sound of his heartbeat lulling her to sleep.
You’re on the phone this time, frantically speed-walking toward the platform you usually catch your train on. Gi-hun tries not to think about how you’re wearing a skirt today. No business casual slacks this time. The skirt itself isn’t even short but he can only imagine the sight of your crossed legs under your desk as you try to maintain your modesty.
Gi-hun makes it a point to walk into the cart after you. Among a midst of people it looks pretty casual. It’s been three days since he’s seen you. For him it’s been too long.
The second he grips the metal of the bar to brace himself, he turns his head and your eyes meet. You’re not on the phone any longer and you look pretty disheveled and worn from the walking. Your hair is sticking out around the framing of your face and your bag is half open on your lap.
But the worn out smile you give him makes Gi-hun’s day all the more great.
To his surprise you lift from your seat and walk over to him, issuing quick apologizes to those you accidentally stumble into. Instead of greeting him, your eyes fall onto the baby against his chest and you reach for the same metal bar to stabilize yourself.
Your eyes and smile never leave her. Gi-hun’s eyes never leave you.
“She’s such a quiet baby.” You whisper, eyes gleaming almost as you glance up at him.
Gi-hun’s mouth runs dry at the sight.
Perhaps it was just the day you were having, but this is such an entirely different reaction to your previous meeting. He wonders how he can make you look at him like this all the time.
It’s the baby. That much is obvious.
Is it so unethical to use an adorable newborn in order to attract a young, beautiful girl like you? Maybe so. But Gi-hun can’t bring himself to care.
Gi-hun blinks and nods, a small smile coming to his face. He doesn’t once look down at her, but your smile falters ever so slightly at the gaze he’s giving you. Unfortunately, he just isn’t as self aware to do anything about it.
Your eyes fall back onto the child and Gi-hun turns his head to look at where your hand is gripping the metal. With careful movements he lowers his hand to yours, pinky and forefinger touching. You don’t notice at all and he’s grateful.
He’s a little embarrassed by the way his stomach flips like a schoolboy with a crush. You’re practically holding hands—except it goes unnoticed by you.
Once again, Gi-hun is playing pretend in his head.
You have no suspicions when Gi-hun walks off the cart with you. In fact, you’re so excited to be staring at the baby that you never notice the way he looks at you.
“I’m seeing my boyfriend,” You shrug, a shy smile on your face. Gi-hun hates that answer to his question. “We’ve gotta be somewhere.”
Where are you headed?
What are you doing later?
Who are you with?
Fuck him.
It was Gi-hun who brought you all those gifts. It was Gi-hun who spent all that time with you in the convenience store when you were bored and lonely.
No—when Gi-hun was bored and lonely.
A hot flash of guilt flows through him suddenly. Myung-gi accusing him of being involved with Jun-hee, the mother of this child before you both, crosses his mind. It makes him feel sick.
Because it’s not too far fetched.
Of course he wasn’t involved with Jun-hee. He never would have imagined it. All he could think about was saving the child. But upon reflection you both were close in age.
What did that make Gi-hun?
“Oh,” he tries to maintain a smile. “Where to?” He doesn’t like the way you excitedly answer.
After a few questions thrown at you, as casually as he can muster, he tries to sneak in a small invitation once more.
“If you’d like to have some dinner again I would love to have you over.” Your face blooms in surprise and you bless him with a smile.
How often did your boyfriend make you smile like that?
“That would be—yeah!” So it is a particularly better day for you then. No upper management reprimanding you today it seems. “I can give you my number?”
Gi-hun didn’t think it’d be this easy. But he’s so glad he wasn’t the one to ask. He’d hate to be the one to cross any boundaries. After all, he’s the sick one here.
That night after putting the baby to bed, Gi-hun stares at the glowing television screen. His eyes burn and his stomach churns with nausea from the lack of food. Too depressed to eat properly, he’s suffered the last few nights with that sick feeling.
It’s something he’d rather not grovel over, but it’s as if he can’t care for himself unless you’re there as some type of motivator. It’s sick, Gi-hun knows, but he bases the way his day will go on the interactions he has with you. Even then it’s like you keep his happiness whenever you’re out of sight.
Despite it all, he forces himself to survive for the child.
He grabs for his phone on the nightstand and scrolls through his contacts to your name. There aren’t very many contacts and he’s completely cut off contact with practically everyone on the list. It makes him feel guilty, but then he finds your name and it washes away.
His thumb hovers over it. It’s not that he’d contact you just yet, but he likes to imagine a world where he’d hear your voice to help him fall asleep. To help him escape the horrifying thoughts that cross his mind every waking moment of the day.
In his daydreams you’re there telling him everything will be just fine. None of it was real—
—except for the baby. That precious soul survived with his own.
The excitement is something he can hardly contain. Every minute interaction is grounds for him to overanalyze every second.
Gi-hun slowly falls asleep with the thought of your hand gracing his on the train.
—
“I promised him I would go—“
Gi-hun’s gut flips with envy.
“—I just don’t want to.”
“It’s important to keep promises,” It feels like vomit coming out of his mouth. As much as he’d like to discourage you from being with your boyfriend, he doesn’t want to appear so predatory. He’s done enough already. “He’ll be upset.”
The look you give him is one of defeat. Like you were expecting some other answer from him. Like you were hoping Gi-hun would convince you to do otherwise. Or he’s just imagining things. The late night fantasies aren’t helping his self control when he’s actually around you.
But he finds some solace in the idea of you wanting to spend time with him instead. You’d expressed how you felt you couldn’t confide in your boyfriend when it came to the challenges you faced at work.
This wasn’t just some retail job with shitty management. This was a career. This was a position you needed in order to network your way out of it.
Gi-hun would be lying if he said he wasn’t satisfied to hear about your irritation.
“I guess,” you mutter, turning to push at the glass doors of the motel. “Nice to see you again, Gi-hun. Goodnight.” It’s half-assed and if he was to really overanalyze it, you seemed angry.
“If you need anything…” Gi-hun follows you quickly after, holding the door open as he watches you take a few steps away. You stop and turn on your heel to face him. His breath catches in his chest for a moment. How beautiful you look in the autumn weather.
“Thank you, Gi-hun,” You give him a curt nod and weak smile. “For listening.”
Gi-hun passes you a gentle smile and with that you finally give him a wave and turn away for the final time.
You don’t notice his lingering presence by the door, watching as you walk down the street and until you’re out of sight. As much as he’d like to follow you to make sure you’re really home safe, he knows he can just send you a message and ask.
Isn’t it incredible? The ability to be able to communicate with you whenever he pleases?
Gi-hun is traditional. You hadn’t received any texts as invitations but you’d gotten calls.
Really, he wasn’t that traditional. He just wanted to hear your voice.
A few invitations given, only one accepted.
But nonetheless there were some brief text message exchanges that had Gi-hun staring at his screen until you’d respond. Thank god for this generation and their inability to walk away from their phones. Your responses had been nothing but instant.
Though at night he’d start to feel pretty pathetic. How much of a loser could he be for getting so excited over exchanged messages with a young girl? Especially one with a significant other.
When Gi-hun wakes up to the sound of wailing that night, he stares into the mirror above the bed. His cheeks look sunken in and his hair is disheveled from sleep. There’s a small burning sensation in his chest where anger and envy lies.
You had expressed disdain for a job you thought would secure you for life. The verbal abuse and constant stress from your upper management had only caused you to fall into what Gi-hun could see was some type of depression.
Why is it you couldn’t tell your boyfriend these things? Because he wasn’t as fit as Gi-hun, obviously. Yes, that’s what he concluded. He was a better partner to lean on than someone you’d known longer. Naturally, this elated him.
He’d tried not to plant it into your mind, but Gi-hun had expressed how maybe it’d be better to talk to him about your feelings rather than your boyfriend. Wouldn’t it case him stress, too? Gi-hun could handle it, but your boyfriend? No. He was too weak. Not a real man. Just a boy in his twenties who wanted to have fun.
You’d taken the bait. So much so you’d let Gi-hun pat at your back, sit beside you and hold your hand. So much so that you’d almost shed some tears before him. He wished you would have. Maybe he could’ve cradled your face to brush them away.
Unfortunately you’d decided to reciprocate.
‘Are you doing okay, Gi-hun? You still look a little sick.’
‘I’ll be alright. It’s just the baby…’
It was ever the excuse. It wasn’t like he was lying. A newborn is a lot to care for. But what really consumed his thoughts in the late hours of the night were death and betrayal.
‘But you need to rest—‘
‘I’ll be just fine.’
—with you here.
You’d carried the baby as carefully as you could for the first time. You were nervous, explaining how it’d been so long since you held such a fragile thing. But just the mere sight was enough to make Gi-hun emotional.
He was able to keep it together. But he could envision it so clearly.
You pacing around the room as you shushed the crying baby to sleep. You leaned up and feeding the baby with the bottle as you sleepily admired the bundle of life. And Gi-hun would watch. He would pretend it belonged to the both of you.
Even in his present thoughts he’d fantasize about you both admiring the baby in the bassinet as if it were your own. Both holding hands and embracing one another for being so united and loving toward this child. Gi-hun would get to hold you close in the dead of night. Instead of cold bodies dripping blood from open wounds, it’d be your warm one he’d feel and visualize.
The harsh reality was that you were involved with another man you’d plan this exact future with. The thought made him grit his teeth, tearing his eyes from the mirror to the baby to calm himself.
This possession had overtaken his emotions a lot more than he had expected. Because why would he allow such a caring girl to leave his sight? How could he do that to the child? Her only other source of motherly love coming and going sporadically.
This is why you needed to stay here and be there with him.
Gi-hun gave himself an agenda. But he wasn’t sure he’d have the self control to execute it properly.
—
The bus stop felt like the least obvious place to observe.
Gi-hun watched him with a scowl. His hands were clammy, warm body filled with rage as it was fighting the colder temperature around him. Every once in a while he’d press his palms deep into his thighs, fingers itching for just a moment of violence.
Was this part of Gi-hun always inside him? Before he’d run—both figuratively and literally he’d run away from his problems. Maybe it was an accumulation of things, but he’d finally dug up the part of him that’d took it upon himself to decide to rid of his own problems by any means necessary.
But did Dae-ho deserve to die?
Gi-hun naturally regretted it after. The remorse washed over him the second he saw the life drain from his eyes. By then it was too late to go back.
Why didn’t they let him pierce the blade into his flesh?
Gi-hun sighs deeply as he lifts a hand to pat at the baby’s back. He shouldn’t be thinking such things with her here.
The baby was keeping him warm for the most part. She was extra bundled up and Gi-hun made sure to warm her bottle before he left for the day.
It was something he felt he should stop doing. But he couldn’t fathom separating himself from her. It also wasn’t ideal considering he was quite literally stalking your boyfriend with an innocent baby pressed against him. Could it even be deemed unethical if the child wasn’t conscious enough to know what was happening?
The guilt wasn’t strong enough for Gi-hun not to go about it.
He’s not really doing anything.
Is there any harm in watching?
He’s no more than your typical retail worker. All he’s doing is conversing with a coworker inside the store he’s working in. But Gi-hun is trying to find every excuse as to why he isn’t a good fit for you.
But is he even any better? All the sulking, the depressive bouts of dissociation, and the stalking. Not that he needed one, but he didn’t even have a job. If only you could know how pathetic Gi-hun was outside of what you already suspected.
Out of all the times you’ve mentioned him, it’s really been nothing less than praise. It’d always made his blood boil. There had to be something wrong—something that would push you into Gi-hun’s arms instead of his.
It all happens in one quick blur. Like he isn’t really thinking about it.
Gi-hun decides to walk into the store, eyeing him over racks of clothing and shelves, head hung in such a way that he’s peering at him through his brows. There’s still a scowl on his face he can feel it.
This is the man that touches you in the darkness. This is the man that watches you cry and kisses it all better. This is the man that gets to do all the things Gi-hun can’t.
Because if it were Gi-hun, it’d be sick, twisted, predatory, perverted—
But there’s no doubt in his mind he could do it all so much better.
Gi-hun swipes a random shirt off a rack and practically strides his way to the front. What is his voice going to sound like? Will he notice that he feels such disdain for him?
As expected he’s nothing but polite. Sure it’s just an obligation as a retail employee, but there’s nothing about him that’s off putting. He laughs at a joke that the other person behind the counter makes.
His eyes never leave your boyfriend as he finishes the transaction. He’s seemingly oblivious to the glowering hatred being forced his way. It isn’t until Gi-hun snaps his eyes to the other person behind the counter for a millisecond that he realizes he’s been caught.
They’re looking at him inquisitively. But very quickly they turn away, wanting nothing to do with whatever energy Gi-hun is throwing at your boyfriend.
There is not so much as an exchange of eye contact when the bag is handed to him. But he doesn’t miss the way that his polite smile falters just enough when Gi-hun practically snatches it from him.
He could give you the whole world. Instead, you only join him briefly every few days for some shitty instant dinner and casual conversation.
When will it be Gi-hun’s turn to caress your skin and kiss the life back into you?
It’ll have to be soon. Otherwise Gi-hun isn’t sure what he’d be capable of.
—
There are some days Gi-hun doesn’t like to leave the Pink Motel.
Actually, there are many days he never even leaves the motel.
Gi-hun sits on the lumpy pink seats of the dingy lobby as he stares out the glass entrance doors. The baby is resting in his arms. His eyes are far away as he stares out into the light of the day.
The sidewalk is empty. There isn’t anything that catches his attention in the present moment.
The excuse he’s given himself is that she can’t be out in the open air so much. She’s too fragile. No, it’s not because Gi-hun can’t find it in himself to even get out of bed some days. On a good day, he leaves the room to observe some of the others he used to occupy from time to time. He’ll even sit by the doors or a window to get some sunlight, even if hidden by the building itself.
She deserves a guardian who isn’t haunted by the death of hundreds. But Gi-hun will try anything for her. Even if he hasn’t eaten properly for days, he’ll make sure no meals are missed for her.
Sometimes he fears the love that he provides may never be enough. Life is too horrific for him to have any more faith in it. Nevertheless he always tries his best.
But that feeling always changes when he sees you holding her.
It’s something about the way you look down at her—you don’t know her but there’s a glimmer of love in your eyes that Gi-hun sometimes wishes was for him. How selfish, he thinks. To be envious of such an innocent being. Though he knows it’s not necessarily jealousy over the child, but over the fact that the reality is this isn’t a shared experience.
You’re not actively raising the child like Gi-hun is. You have a life outside of his. One that he wants to take away and mold into something that involves him.
It’s times like these he reflects on the intimacy of marriage. It’s one thing to have a shared space, another to work out the kinks of emotional distance and resentment.
Gi-hun isn’t the same person he was before the divorce. He’s not even the same person he was a few weeks ago.
The baby wriggles in his arms and he slowly hangs his head to look down at her.
Jun-hee’s swollen and bruised ankle is so vivid in his mind now. Her anguished yell from across the bridge rings in his ears.
There are times where he’s woken up the child with his exclaims and restless moving from a nightmare. There are times where he looks down at her and wonders if maybe he is unfit for this fatherly role no matter how much he’s desired to care for her. He’s already failed once, hasn’t he?
It’s unfortunate how the games linger in his mind every second of the day. Sometimes he’ll hear the sound of a booming noise some ways away and he’ll feel his heart rate pick up, fight or flight kicking in.
It reminds him of the gunshots of the revolt.
Other times he’ll see children playing jump rope and his fingers will go numb. He’ll hold the child just a little closer to his chest as he walks as fast as he can away from the sound of swinging rope and laughter.
What will happen when she’s old enough to play schoolyard games?
Will Gi-hun be able to swing that jump rope for her? Will he be able to play Jegi and kick a leg up without developing a panic attack?
However, when Gi-hun is around you, it all changes.
The mere sight of you holding the baby in your arms during your visits is something he’s addicted to. There are times where he purposefully lets you reach for the crying baby first just so he can stare and fantasize a world where you’re the motherly figure in her life.
You will both share this parental role.
It’s no secret that you’re concerned for him. Maybe that’s why you’ve taken it upon yourself to almost always accept an invitation to the motel. But as selfish as it is, Gi-hun will use anything to get you into the building. This also means the baby gets to be held by another living soul.
He sleeps better and is even more attentive after your visits. The traumatic memories linger in the back of his mind, but you’re the distraction he needs to get through his day. Even when this means that he must see you without you ever being aware of it. It forces him to go outside with the child as well. No depressive indoor sulking as he imagines a better future for not just himself but for her.
This is a second chance and she deserves the whole world.
This is why Gi-hun needs you with him. Whatever it takes.
As he stares down at the child, he sighs in defeat and pushes himself to stand to enter back into his room.
—
“I-I don’t know,” your voice wavers. “It wasn’t just me it was like—almost the entire group. Laid off like—“ Your hands shake as they rub up and down your thighs. Gi-hun feels shame over the desire to do the same.
“What about severance?”
“No fucking severance because it was during the probation period.”
Gi-hun swallows thick as he thinks about the entire stack of money resting on the empty bed some feet away. He could give you everything, he wouldn’t even care. It’s not like he’d go broke anyway.
“Have you got some money saved up?”
“About six months worth,” You press the palms of your hands to your eyes. “I’m so sorry. This is embarrassing. I shouldn’t even be telling you this. I haven’t told my parents or my boyfriend and it’s been a few days and—I just came here. All I do is complain—“
“You don’t. We spend some time together—“
“That’s not the point,” Your practically seethe. “Look, I’m not dumb okay?” Gi-hun’s blood runs cold suddenly. Has he always made it that obvious? “I know you’re going through something too—“ You lay a heavy hand on his arm. “Why can’t you tell me what’s going on with you?”
Relief washes over him. But quickly embarrassment follows. He realizes he doesn’t look as put together as he seems.
“I told you it’s—“
“It’s not the baby. You love that baby.” You’re frustrated now and Gi-hun hates that look you’re giving him.
“Part of it is,” Gi-hun corrects. “I wish I could explain. But it’s beyond me. It’s beyond you as well.”
“That makes no sense,” You narrow your eyes at him. “Look, I-I really don’t want to be much of a distraction because you’re raising a child and—” He tries not to think about how your hand is no longer touching him as you fidget nervously. “—and I don’t want you to feel obligated to have me here as company. I guess it’s just…bad timing. I don’t know how you got this baby but my job is getting pretty stressful, too—“
“The baby came during everything,” Gi-hun shakes his head, now frustrated himself. “Nothing you do will ever bother me,” it’s his turn to lay a hand on your arm. He loves to look into your eyes. “I have you here because—“
—I need you here—
“—I enjoy your company,” You look away, shy almost. He gently squeezes at your arm to catch your attention and you reluctantly lift your eyes. “We find company in each other, do we not?”
“Yes, but—“
“It’s no bother for me to hear your problems,” Gi-hun knows it’s because he’s forming an emotional bond with you. Maybe soon he’ll be all you need. “Nor are you a burden when we enjoy a nice conversation. Even when she’s fussy. Or even when it’s just the both of us.”
In a bout of confidence, he finally reaches down to curl his hand around your clammy one where it rests on your lap. There’s a tinge of awkwardness as he can feel you ever so slightly twitch your hand as if to move it away. But it stays. Your eyes glance down at the embrace.
“Okay,” You murmur. “I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize,” Gi-hun moves his hand to rub it onto your upper back. He tries not to think about how he can feel the straps of your bra underneath your top. “Why don’t you nap, hm?”
It’s then he realizes maybe he’s taken it a step too far—too obvious for his own good. The perplexed expression on your face as you glance back at the bed you’re both sitting on leaves him feeling embarrassed. You shakily wring your hands together and your eyes dart around everywhere but his.
“I-I’m okay,” You nod. “Or, maybe I should—“
As if on cue the baby begins to whine from her bed. Gi-hun stands quickly in attempt to exit the awkwardness but he hates that you do the same.
“Would you like to join me tomorrow…?”
“In a couple days should be okay,” You grab your belongings and continue to avoid any proper eye contact with him. “I just need to…I think I should let my parents and…and my boyfriend know what…”
“Oh—yeah, of course,” Gi-hun nods as he pats the softly crying baby’s back. “You can stop by any time.”
And that he truly means.
Gi-hun hopes you’ll keep your word.
—
It’s a very spontaneous decision but he bundles the baby up in less than five minutes. A couple minutes more and he’s out the Pink Motel and following your trail.
It was a little hard to execute in a way where he wouldn’t be noticed. Some turns here and there call for a wide range of open space. Any closer than he was and you’d probably see him as you mindlessly glanced around.
Everything was going extremely well. There was that rush that Gi-hun hadn’t felt in so long—the kind of rush where getting caught was almost exciting to him.
What then? What would he even say if you found him following you?
How it wasn’t obvious the last time was beyond him. But it had worked.
The baby couldn’t be used as an excuse. Gi-hun wouldn’t allow it. It almost made him want to smile knowing that you didn’t know.
The thought of Dae-ho and the feeling of a blade in his hand scratches at the back of his head. He’s too occupied to let it bother him.
Just as you’re approaching the main door to your building, the baby bundled in the sling begins to whine. Almost immediately after, she begins to wail.
It’s late enough at night that not many people are walking about but it’s early enough for families to be having dinner. It could be just chopped up to an open window, but Gi-hun makes quick work of jumping into an alleyway to avoid your curious glances around the street.
The cries are too open and echo-y for it to be coming from inside a home.
Gi-hun’s heart races with anxiety as he strides down the dingy alley. He’s nervous now and he is extremely self aware.
How dare he bring the child out like this. Not only is the weather not ideal, but she’s a newborn. She deserves to rest in the comfort of her bassinet. He also feels irresponsible for taking her out without a prepared bottle.
Unfortunately, your distraction caused haphazard preparation.
Gi-hun’s throat burns as his eyes well up with guilty tears. It’s not long before he reaches the motel, but tears are already sliding onto his cheeks by the time he reaches the room. The added stress of her crying doesn’t help.
“I’m so sorry—I’m so sorry—“ He chokes out, repeating it constantly as he grabs for her mixed formula.
Gi-hun sways calmly but his hands are shaking and the tears haven’t stopped. He doesn’t feel any better even when she’s calm and sleeping.
The feeling only amplifies when his head is rested on the pillow, wet and puffy eyes wide open. It’s not neglect, no. But it feels so much worse.
If only you were already here. If only you stayed—lived—with Gi-hun. This could have been avoided.
How much longer can he be distracted by your existence?
How much longer can it affect him to the point of dependency?
—
You’re swaying side to side with the baby in your arms as Gi-hun scavenges for the burping cloth all throughout the room. She’s wailing loudly, obviously uncomfortable as you try and pat her back as gently as you can without irritating her further.
The television is on which doesn’t help, but you’re both so distracted that you don’t think to turn it off. When he finally grabs for the cloth he rushes over and you pass her over, both of you hovering over the baby as he places her against his chest and shoulder and begins to pat.
You’re standing abnormally close. Gi-hun can feel the body heat radiating off of you. Your eyes are trained on the baby’s face with a concerned expression. But his eyes are fixed on your own face.
No words are exchanged, the stress of the situation causing you both to wait in silence as the wailing stops. One glance at the mirror over the bed and he can see you look between himself and the baby. It’s inquisitive—suspicious almost. Your brows are slightly furrowed.
Gi-hun wants to ask what you’re thinking, but he can probably guess.
Where did the baby come from?
A soft intake of breath through your nose as you fall heavy on the edge of the foot of the bed doesn’t go unnoticed. Is it frustration you’re feeling?
A lift of your head and your eyes meet. Gi-hun feels ashamed by his love for your peering up at him. Curious as ever, pretty eyes blinking up at him. As the wailing dies down he moves to sit beside you.
Oh how he wishes he could rest his head upon your shoulder, soft kisses being placed onto his head as you assure him he’s doing a good job. Gi-hun wishes he could hear you say that he’s doing his best.
Instead you both watch over the baby, silence heavy between the both of you. Neither of you make an effort to exit or fill the space.
It’s just how Gi-hun has imagined it. The domesticity of it all. It causes his chest to ache from the yearning of a life he isn’t living with you.
Gi-hun now looks forward to the end of his days, right before bed where all is silent. Those are the times he can fool himself into believing his fantasies are a reality.
They used to be spent in anguish as he tried to rid of all the intrusive thoughts of his past. Instead, they’re slowly being consumed with his cravings for you.
Gi-hun isn’t sure which is worse.