Chapter Text
It was like having cold rain suddenly fall over him in the middle of July's warm weather.
“I fucking like you, you shit.”
Or like that time when his mother told him his dog died when Izuku was ten, and before the waterworks began he stood there trying to process, to understand, what the words being told to him meant.
Just like now.
Except.
Nobody's dying right now, at least that's what he thinks once his brain starts working again, or maybe someone is. That someone is that little voice he had in his mind - in his heart - the one that says 'You can do it' whenever someone – Bakugou Katsuki – says that he can't, the one that doesn't let you rest until you reach your goal, whispering endless words of enthusiastic and optimistic feelings.
That little voice seems to be dead because even if Izuku understands what Bakugou Katsuki said, that little voice that has helped him go through everything says nothing in return.
“The fuck are you looking at me like that for, fucking shit, did you even listen dammit?”
“Kacchan,” Izuku says with a trembling voice after he finds air in his lungs when he starts breathing again. Funny how he didn't realize that he wasn't in the last couple of seconds.
“Are you o-okay?” The look Katsuki gives him makes him shudder. “I-I mean–”
Are you under some influence because of a quirk?
Did you hit your head?
Are you drugged?
He doesn't know how to ask, at least not if he wants to stay unscathed from Katsuki's explosions and uncontrolled rage. And frankly, he doesn't know another way to approach this thing, event, whatever the hell it is, because Bakugou Katsuki does not like him in any way or form ever, period. That's a sad, yet realistic concept he had realized when Katsuki manifested his quirk and he didn't. He understood that whatever relationship he had with Katsuki was suddenly tossed under a train with every single piece of it broken and without possibility of being mended into a whole thing again, not without bleeding fingers and crooked edges that wouldn't assure everything would be like it was before.
He's not okay with that, but he has resigned to having loud, angry screams, sudden explosions and heated glares as Katsuki’s default behavior towards him.
“Are you crazy?” Of course Izuku would disregard his well-being in a slip of mind, but as soon as the words fall from his mouth the explosions that he knows he will be a victim of for the nth time don't come, nor the angry shouts, nor even that death glare that has been permanently etched into the very core of Bakugou Katsuki’s personality. None of it comes, and somehow that feels a lot deadlier than coming out from this thing, event, ‘Confession’ – the little voice provides once it revives, because that's what this is – with broken bones and first degree burns.
“Maybe I am, you shit,” Katsuki sneers, anger close enough to call for explosions, but far enough to keep them from coming.
It is the worst.
Because Izuku can manage an angry Katsuki- scratch that, actually he can't, but he had years of experience with Katsuki's anger, so when Katsuki looks more serious than angry, with piercing eyes rather than heavy glare, Midoriya Izuku doesn't know what to do.
“So?” There's more inflection in his voice, meaning he's about to lose any control he had up until now.
‘He wants to date,’ says the voice, and it is then that all the implications of this...thing – ‘Confession!’ Screams the little voice – fall into place.
Bakugou Katsuki wants to date.
Bakugou Katsuki wants to date Midoriya Izuku.
Midoriya Izuku is screwed.
Because he wants Katsuki. Not in the romantic way Katsuki seems so eager, (because there are no explosions yet), to convey to him, but in the way they could go home together after school, ride the train together and talk about their day at UA, laugh and fanboy about All Might and any other heroes they admire, play or train together in order to become better, because even though they would still be rivals, they would also be...
Friends.
He can barely even think about Katsuki as something like that, much less something like a potential romantic partner.
“Are you serious, Kacchan?” Any trace of disbelief is gone from Izuku's voice, there is only apprehension. Katsuki looks at him like he's so small, (he kind of is under that gaze), like he is doing everything in his power to control the anger he most likely feels, restraining from exploding in any way like he always does.
“I wouldn't say this if I fucking wasn't, fuckface!”
Izuku knows Katsuki is not a liar, but...
He also knows that Katsuki is cruel, and for the sake of looking down on him he could do something like this. But even so, if it was just to mess with him, Katsuki of all people should know better than to expect years of punches and cruel taunts will make him say yes.
“Kacchan, even if this is genuine," Katsuki seems to be about to scream that yes, this fucking is but, “I'm sorry, but I can't accept your feelings.” After that he doesn't know what to expect, but it's not...
“Fuck, okay you shit, whatever...fuck.”
It’s not that.
–
Nedzu, with his permanent easygoing smile asks the teachers to communicate to the students that vandalism against school property is not a very heroic thing to do regardless of the stress.
Iida stands after Aizawa finishes the announcement and gives a chastising speech to his classmates that clearly should have been given by Aizawa, but he's dozing off on the floor instead.
Kirishima doesn't ask about it when he looks at Katsuki's tense and hunched shoulders.
–
There is a list in Izuku's mind every day before he goes to sleep, rewinding everything he did and everything that happened during the day. That list is always filled with a large part of danger, pain, and fun; a weird combination, but one that sets the background of what it means to be enrolled in UA, and even if his body is aching, (breaking, breaking, so much breaking ), more often than not, Izuku is still happy to be in UA.
Today, however, there is this thin–confession on the list.
To him.
His first.
Ever.
Coming from an ex-friend, currently rival slash nemesis, (Katsuki's words), and he can't believe it actually happened.
He had known Katsuki long enough to know what he likes, what he feels, what he thinks, and it's weird having this kind of knowledge, because once he realizes he has it, he doesn't know what to do with it outside of the heat of a fight against him. There is no possible use or meaning to knowing that Katsuki likes the color red, but his favorite is dark blue, or how he is secretly so fond of sweets that his mother had to take him to the dentist because he gave himself a cavity when they were six, or how even if he feigns nonchalance after the rejection, he seemed to be in a mood that begins in anger, surfaces on sadness, but falls into indifference. He thought he knew Katsuki well enough, but it seemed he was wrong. If anything his shock at the confession was a reminder that yes, Katsuki is a box full of surprises that goes beyond explosive personality, and bravery shadowed by an ego.
Be that as it may, there is one thing that nestles in his mind – heart – after Katsuki's confession.
Bakugou Katsuki wants him; Midoriya Izuku, Deku, Quirkless, (not anymore but it seems like that concept will be forever imprinted in Katsuki's mind as a synonym of his name), in a way that doesn't involve pain or overuse of their quirks.
Does he really want him? Romantically? Him? He doesn't get it. But what he does get is that no matter how or why, he doesn't like Katsuki's moodiness to be draped around dejection. Because for him, ever since they were toddlers, even before they - he - manifested their - his - quirk, Bakugou Katsuki was a role model, a hero, and more important, a friend he loved and still loves.
Before falling asleep, he wonders why he still has this little bit of hope inside him, that if Katsuki wants him as something more than a friend, maybe he can tone it down to be what they were before quirks ruined their relationship.
He wonders if he's not being cruel by thinking so.
–
Kirishima Eijirou has next to no experience in love. The tiny dashes of knowledge that he’s managed to grasp about the topic revolves around the soap operas his mom likes to watch. That equals nothing because there's too much drama, too many people trying to get in someone's pants and too many tears. It's too unrealistic. What he does know about love is that it’s tender, and soft, and pretty. Sometimes not so much, but the generic opinion of love is his default concept, so when Bakugou Katsuki, the manliest guy in the class mentions - spills - that he's in love out of his filthy, cursing mouth, he believes he's joking. It's damn hilarious, right before it isn't.
Not because of the punch, he hardened his face just a millisecond before it could break his face.
It’s because of the expression Bakugou has on his face.
"I'll fucking kill you, shitstain!"
‘Oh, it's for real.’
"Oh, it's for real," he thinks and says out loud. Bakugou just gives him a look, the look, the one that sends most people cowering in fear and has mothers hiding their children. The look that Kirishima has learned means, under all the pretense, twisted in ego and caged with pride, that Bakugou is actually looking for help. So he straightens his shoulders and coughs, trying to compose himself.
"Sorry," he wheezes, "I didn't mean to laugh." He says while looking at a weirdly quiet but fuming Bakugou. "Who...who is the girl? Is she from our class?" he asks with more excitement than he believed he had regarding that topic.
Surely it had to be one of the girls in their class class. Almost all of them, (all of them, actually), are tough and strong, and being pretty is a plus, but he believes Bakugou is the kind of guy that prefers strong things rather than cute ones, so that should apply to girls too, he thinks.
"...Not..." Quiet Bakugou is weird, and frankly he’d rather have his ears bleed from Bakugou's loudness because this Bakugou, while still angry and seemingly ready to be set off by every little thing as always, is more pensive, more calm than normal on the scale of normal for Bakugou Katsuki.
"Sorry man, didn't catch that."
"I said it's not–!" Kirishima waits, because it seems there's a war going on inside the head of the boy in front of him. It seems painful, with his eyebrows knitted so hard in the middle of his forehead, with the snarl on his face and his canines barely peeking out from under his lips, with his hands making spasmodic movements that Kirishima reads as Bakugou trying not to blow things up. "–Not a gi–A boy, okay, you fucking shit! A boy! It’s not a fucking girl but a motherfucking boy!"
Oh, is he gay?
"Oh, are you gay?" And that is what sets Bakugou off.
There are explosions and screams and curses, and Bakugou returns to his default behavior.
"Because if you are, I don't think any less of you man. I mean, you’re still manly." Kirishima grins, and above all the noise the other is making that seems to be enough to calm Bakugou down a little. "I'm just asking because that's the first thing I thought," he says with conviction, because that’s the truth. He’s not analytical like Midoriya, nor the type to plan like Todoroki, nor calculative like Iida; whatever he thinks just comes out of his mouth, and sometimes that’s more troublesome than refreshing.
"I'm not gay, I'm just...he's the only–fuck!" Bakugou mutters with something Kirishima catches as a tone of frustration.
"So...who's the lucky guy then?"
There is silence and a flow of wind that makes the situation look too serious, because the timing is too dramatic. Kirishima thinks it’s kind of like a manga scene, and he almost misses the groaned answer the sandy haired boy spits at him.
"Stupid, fuckface nerd."
There is surprise, but Kirishima whistles and then smiles, because on the verge of the new discovery that Bakugou is not only in love, but in love with a boy, it's not that surprising that said boy is actually his childhood friend. Even if he doesn't understand how and why it happened, (because how could you fall in love with the guy you bully, is that the same as pulling pigtails?), he is not that surprised because it's Midoriya Izuku, the guy everyone admires and loves, the guy that, despite his crooked smiles and nervous jolts, is so manly. Not just because of his physical strength, but also because he can put to shame a lot of pro heroes with just his courage. So it’s not that surprising, but it’s an enormously conflictive discovery because it's the same boy Bakugou has tormented ever since the beginning of school...Even more, most of their lives, and that alone seems to be a huge wall so tall it reaches the sky without the top in sight.
"So, you wanna confess…?" Not even Kirishima knows if he’s asking or stating that.
"No...Yes, fuck if I know! God dammit!"
"Okay, so...what about this, do you want to date him?" Bakugou is stuck in another inner conflict, so Kirishima tries to help. "Okay, let's start from the simple things." Bakugou looks pensive.
"Do you want to talk and hang out with him?"
Bakugou is frowning, but nods.
"Do you want to hold hands with him?" That's a little under the level of dating, but it's enough to make Bakugou frown even more -- and is that a blush? -- and nod again.
"Do you want to kiss him?" This time, there are a lot of explosions in Bakugou's palms.
"You stupid hair for–assho–fuck. Shut up!"
"I'll take that as a yes." Kirishima smiles and tries to come up with something else that might be wrapped under the notion of dating. He comes up with something, but judging by the other's reaction at just the mere idea of kissing the boy where his affections lie, Kirishima believes that asking Bakugou if he wants to do R rated things with Midoriya is not an option. At least not if he doesn't want Bakugou to blow him into ashes.
So he thinks hard and comes up with the only romantic reference he has.
"Do you want to be by his side?" It's a simple yet deep question when it comes to dating, falling in love, being in love. It’s tender and he couldn’t erase that notion he learned from the mangas or the soap operas, even if he himself doesn't have the interest to pursue something (someone) in the near future.
"I do," says Bakugou in a voice with so much emotion that sounds so different from his usual self, but nonetheless has more presence and steadiness than it would have if he had shouted it all the same.
Wow, you're really in love with Midoriya, eh, Bakugou?
Bakugou is still frowning like always, but it seems like a weight was lifted from his shoulders when he looks at him.
"Oh, I said that out loud," Kirishima says with a smile, and Bakugou answers him with a smirk in return.
-
Three days have passed ever since he spilled his feelings for Izuku to hair for brains.
Two days have passed since he confessed to stupid Izuku.
A day has passed since he became…moody.
Unstable, his mother and Kirishima say.
He doesn’t even know how to feel himself. It’s not that he wasn’t ready for a rejection, he really was. He’s not stupid, he knew the moment he wanted to act based on his feelings that the most likely – the only – option was to be rejected. And that alone is a little bit unsettling as it is understandable. If Izuku hadn’t rejected him he would have blown something up because it would mean stupid Izuku is so forgiving of everyone, even someone as shitty as Katsuki. That alone makes him mad, because if Izuku is capable of forgiving him, him, the one that made his life a living hell all through middle school – even now – the one that threw taunts at him and made his confidence falter over his own value, how much can other people actually do to Izuku for him not to forgive them?
It’s a stupid and contradictory set of mind, but one that grew little by little in his head.
Regardless of that, he’s not okay with the rejection. He braced himself for it, but it was actually hard to listen to the one you want, say he doesn’t want you back. Like, ‘No thanks, I’m better alone rather than with your presence’, and it hurts, it burns his stomach – heart – and makes him want to scream until his vocal cords bleed.
Bakugou Katsuki detests rejection. It is the way the world says to his face, ‘You can’t do this’, ‘You can’t have this’, and that makes his blood boil with anger. He doesn’t want anything less than to be first, number one, the one at the top. But, he knows that these feelings, the ones he had dormant in his heart, the ones that he tried to forget and bury and blow up the same way he can with anything else, are not made for competition. Neither are Izuku’s, and he’d rather think like that because if it were, a competition that is, Uraraka Ochako, Iida Tenya and, (die, die, die you stupid shit), Todoroki Shouto would have the first places in Izuku’s mind and heart.
And it’s really frustrating how he never meant to acknowledge his feelings until he saw that Izuku’s life was changing, not because of Bakugou’s influence, but rather those three. It made him feel alone. It was weird, and it took awhile to understand that the growing, boiling hot fire in the pit of his stomach whenever Izuku smiled, talked, trained and did anything with them but have his attention on Kacchan, was jealousy.
“Kacchan…”
That little voice snaps him out of his reverie, and with a jolt Katsuki stands up from his crouching position. He must look like a creep crouching behind the school building doing nothing but staring into the void.
He looks straight ahead at the very core of the turbulent swirl of his thoughts and stares hard, with a frown marring his face, and a snarl that is more instinctive than drawn upon choice sets itself on his face.
“The fuck you want fuckmunch.”
He can’t help it, the tone, and those words that make that nervous twitch in Izuku’s shoulders take place as he glares at him. This should be the simplest and most normal way they interact, so why does it seem harder than it was before?
“I—I was thinking—”
“Good for you fucker.” It ends with more bite than he wanted, but his mouth has never been clean nor his tongue mild. Deku doesn’t seem that discouraged by his tone, though.
“About the other day...When I told you I can’t return y-your feelings…”
This time Katsuki, involuntary or not, lets an explosion blow up in his hands. Izuku takes a step backwards.
“I’m sorry!” Izuku yelps, entire body tense like a string ready to be broken.
Katsuki dreads that yes, this is their usual interaction with each other, and a pang goes right through him when he realizes that even if he were to be accepted by Deku, would he still be able to hold a normal conversation? Let alone have a normal day together without Izuku cowering from him and every single brusque motion he made?
He clicks his tongue and says in the mildest tone he can manage.
“So what…”
“…I can’t return your feelings but, I want to be your friend.”
Katsuki looks at him like he grew a second head.
“P-please allow me to be your friend again, Kacchan!” he says with starry eyes and blushing cheeks, and Katsuki doesn’t know if this is better or worse than the initial stage of rejection.
I won’t be the number one, but...
He looks straight into those big, round eyes and…
“Okay.”
Falls down.