Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Saki’s nice. I like her.” Shoko hums, looking at Suguru, who gives her a soft smile in return. “You chose a good one.”

Suguru’s eyes glow like a child who’s opening up their Christmas presents, glowing like he just received a gift from her that he cherishes. He admires her words, cradles them into his heart, and stores them for later so he can repeatedly acknowledge them whenever he needs to. “Thanks, Shoko. It means a lot. I really like her, too.”

Shoko giggles. “I’d hope so if you brought her here and let all of us meet her.”

Satoru wants to vomit. He hasn’t said much all evening and has been far too quiet to be considered normal. He can’t pretend to feel something that he doesn’t, he can’t pretend to feel just as excited as everyone else is when that’s not his true feelings. He’s never been good at concealing how he feels, he constantly wears it on his face, wears it on his sleeve, wears it in front of his chest, where it’s loud and everyone can see it, so he chooses silence every time. But this time around, it’s even more difficult to conceal because of how deeply sore he feels about it. It’s like a knife has been stabbed into his heart and forced sharply down, slicing vertically through his abdominal aorta until he’s spilling and pooling blood into the open cavities of his body until they drown him in it.

All of his actions in the last six months of his life, the ones that tried to gently nudge Suguru, have proven to be a fruitless effort, all of the subtle hints and looks, all of the late night, light-hearted conversations and gentle words he fought so hard to bring to the surface, were swept away in one fell swoop the moment Saki walked through the front door. The moment she stepped inside their apartment, everything became real.

He does not want to listen to Suguru talk about how much he likes her, or listen to how much their friends like her, or listen to them talk about how nice she was or how utterly gorgeous she was. It’s not because it isn’t true, I mean, she does seem like she’s a nice person. And she is incredibly beautiful. Satoru just wishes, more than anything, that it could be him—that he could be Suguru’s person instead, that he could be the one to light up Suguru’s eyes in that way, that he could be the one to make Suguru feel warm inside. Satoru used to believe that it could’ve been him, but tonight, that thought feels so far removed that he doesn’t even recognize it.

Suguru’s new girlfriend, Saki, had just come over to their shared apartment for the first time tonight, and naturally, his friends were dying to meet her. Well, everyone except for Satoru. He had dreaded this for the last few days since finding out that Suguru had met someone he was interested in keeping around. So Shoko, Utahime, Nanami, and Haibara came over so they could get to know the woman that Suguru deemed worthy of bringing home. After all, approval was important to Suguru—he wanted his friends to like her so she could slide into his life like it was the last missing jigsaw piece, like she perfectly fit into a spot that was carved out especially for her.

Satoru did not want to participate in this evening’s hangout. He did not want to meet someone whom he’d have to compete with for Suguru’s attention every single day. Rather, he wanted to barricade himself in his room, pen glued to his hand, or eyes glued to a video game, or body glued to his bed as the most efficient way to distract himself. Instead, he forced himself to be present and meet the damn girl. Do it for Suguru. Do it for him because he wants this.

He knew he had to meet her to prevent the awkwardness he felt deep inside him from surfacing. He was going to have to meet her at some point anyway, especially if this was going to become a regular thing. He thought maybe he could act mean to her so she’d never want to come over again, never want to see Suguru again, because he has a hostile roommate who makes her uncomfortable. He pictured what that would look like and almost caught himself smiling at the evil thought of it all. He quickly brought himself back to the present, seated close enough within earshot of her, listening to her drone on and on about herself. He did not want to hear Saki talk about herself, talk about how she and Suguru met, or talk about how awesome of a person she is. Satoru drowns out the irritating sound of her voice and focuses only on the sound of his own heart, focuses on the diabolical thoughts washing in and out like waves inside of his head. He didn’t drown her out enough, though, not nearly enough because he somehow still plucked out bits and pieces of who she is. She’s studying to be a doctor, like Shoko, and her dad is a well-known doctor who appears on talk shows, while her mom is the rich CEO of some healthy lifestyle company. How the hell do I compete with that? A doctor, really? Really, Suguru? She goes on to talk about how becoming a doctor, or doing anything involved in the medical field, really, is practically a requirement in her family—an expectation, an unspoken rule.

Fortunately, she only stayed for a couple of hours because Satoru was beginning to think that the little resolve he had would crack and he’d end up physically shoving her out the door. Time passed by so slowly, and everything still felt agonizingly long in Satoru’s mind. Minutes felt like hours, and hours felt like days. Watching every glance, every small touch, every smile that Suguru gave to Saki was torturous. Satoru had to look away several times to cool down the raging, hot jealousy that boiled inside of his core like a volcano ready to erupt after years of remaining dormant. If it were up to him, he would’ve cussed the bitch out and sent her on her merry way the moment she showed up at their door. He would’ve told her to get the fuck out of his house and stay out. That thought alone is the only one that keeps him grounded, keeps him from actively crashing out in front of his friends. Somehow, imagining that scene felt almost as satisfying as it would have if he’d actually said it out loud.

When it was time for Saki to go, Suguru wrapped his arm around her waist and walked her out. He was gone for a solid 10 minutes, which was already much too long for Satoru’s comfort. He knew he was probably taking his time on purpose, spending it with his arms wrapped around her, giving her a proper goodbye. He could picture their lips crashing into each other, her petite body pushed up against her car by Suguru’s towering body, hands touching and feeling and moving frantically like they’d never feel each other’s touches again. The image that he conjures in his mind makes his stomach do backflips. Satoru might actually be sick.

At this point in the evening, he was tired of pretending. He was so over everything, so angry with Saki, so angry with Suguru, so angry with himself. He could no longer pretend that everything was okay when his friends started talking about how glad they were that Suguru found someone.

“Did you see the way he looks at her? It’s so cute, right?” Shoko begins.

“Yeah, so cute! I hope he keeps her around for a long time.” Utahime chimes in.

“Me too. Maybe she has a friend for me.” Haibara says half jokingly.

Nanami shoots him a look and smacks his shoulder. “I’m only kidding!”

“Don’t leave me by my lonesome, Yu. If she has a friend for you, then she better have one for me, too.”

Everyone seems to be elated talking about her, everyone but Satoru. He has nothing to add, nothing to chime in, nothing kind to say about Saki. So he chooses not to say anything, even if it makes him look like an asshole writhing with envy.

“What do you think about her, Satoru?” Utahime asks, noticing how quiet he has been the entire evening. Satoru shrugs his shoulders. He refuses to open his mouth right away because only ugly words will come out of it. When he feels all of the gazes of his friends piercing him like he’s on trial, he can’t take it anymore. His exhausted body longs for the silence of his room, the warm embrace of his bed sheets as he pulls them over his head, the softness of his pillow that hugs his head like a cloud he sinks deeper into.

He finds some words, words that he clings to like a lifeline, so they can take him far away, down the hall, and into the safety of his room.

“Everything is just— kind of a lot to take in right now. And I’ve been pretty exhausted lately. I think I’m gonna call it an early night, guys.”

“I get it. I know it’s weird having someone who is basically a stranger in your personal space.” Utahime responds, detecting that he is in need of his own personal space.

“Just don’t ever let her see what the inside of your room looks like.” Nanami jokes, referencing his Digimon posters, which he has pasted on the walls of his room.

Satoru feigns a weak smile and adds nothing else to the conversation. He’s completely checked out already. “Good night, guys.”

His long legs carry him away, down to the end of the hall, where his room waits for him like arms wide open. Once inside, he shuts and locks the door, only hearing the faint mumblings of his friends chatting in the other room. He’s sure they’re talking about him, but he can’t really think of that right now. It’s all too much, all too overwhelming. He collapses onto his bed and forces himself underneath the blankets. He lets out a deep sigh as they cradle him, finding comfort in its sweet embrace.

What did I do wrong? Was I not bold enough?

Satoru wonders what he could have done differently, what he could have done to prevent this from happening. Why did this feel like a punishment for something that he did? He reflects back on the last six months of his life to discover at what point everything went to shit.

He was so excited to finally be moving into an apartment with Suguru. It was an idea that they had always talked about, always referenced in one season of their lives or another. It was something that constantly lingered in the air between them ever since they had become the inseparable pair that they were. They went almost nowhere without each other. They talked and texted when they were apart; they practically finished each other's sentences. It was something that was long overdue, and something that was finally becoming real. The day that the two of them signed their apartment lease documents together like it was a marriage certificate was the day that Satoru vowed he would find a way to finally tell him the truth. He would find a way to tell Suguru how he loves him more than the sun loves the sky and has for a very long time now, how he wants to spend every waking second wrapped up in his arms as he presses soft kisses to the same lips he’s committed to memory in his dreams, how he yearns for the warmth of their bodies to produce a heat that only they know as they lay tangled together in a bed they share every single night.

So he pushed himself to litter subtle hints throughout their daily lives now that they were finally living together. He littered them in small, cute sticky notes on the fridge that said “good morning :)” and “have an amazing day <3”. He littered them in the food choices he would make for dinner, just for Suguru, on the nights when he knew that studying consumed him. He littered them in the way he knocked on his bedroom door every single night so he could tell him goodnight because Satoru couldn’t stand going to sleep without telling him. He littered them in the way he would pick up Suguru’s favorite snacks from the convenience store down the street and place them in a basket that rests on the kitchen counter, just so he always had something special available to snack on at all times. He littered them in the way they’d sit close together on the couch, and Satoru would gently let his thigh rest up against his underneath a blanket they shared during a movie. He littered them in every single glance, in every single smile, in every single sweet word that slipped out of his lips.

Satoru always knew the way he felt about Suguru. He knew it all the way down to his core, like it were already there living inside of him from the moment he was born, and was just waiting all this time to be discovered. It was like a magnetic pull that started in Satoru’s heart and ended in Suguru’s arms, a strong attraction that he could not deny nor escape. And that was okay with him because he did not want to escape it ever. Even without all the intimate touches and perks that come with dating, their relationship had been perfect. Satoru wouldn’t have changed a thing about it, even if he knew Suguru didn’t feel the same way. He was never fully convinced that Suguru had feelings for him anyway. Doubt was what prevented him from ever acting on anything, from ever saying anything, from ever pushing forward into the unknown, from ever making a risky move that he knew he couldn’t take back.

Satoru had once thought that maybe Suguru did feel something for him after watching him reject this gorgeous girl who was in their biology class. He had always wondered why in their years of friendship, Suguru had never had a girlfriend. He hardly even talked to girls, let alone talked about girls, and whenever anyone brought it up to him in conversation, it went nowhere. Trying to get information out of Suguru about potential love interests was a lot like talking to a wall. He was difficult to read, difficult to comprehend, difficult to truly understand. But now, Satoru could finally stop wondering. That day is here, and as much as he tries to will it away, tries to wash it out like a stain that has tainted a perfectly clean piece of cloth, it doesn’t go away. Suguru has a girlfriend—an intelligent, gorgeous, honey-coated, beautifully petite girlfriend who comes from a wealthy, successful family of doctors. And it doesn’t look like she’s going away anytime soon.

Satoru tosses and turns in his bed, trying to find the exact position that he feels the most comfortable in, but soon realizes how ridiculous it is. He won’t sleep comfortably tonight, doesn’t get to sleep comfortably, because of how uncomfortable he feels inside. He feels the weight of the opportunities he missed since the first day he moved in, feels the weight of the silence that grows louder as his friends say their goodbyes and leave for the night, feels the weight of a girlfriend that Suguru never asked for. Or maybe he did ask for? Maybe, all this time in Satoru’s selfishness, Suguru had felt alone, like something was missing from his life, an empty space that Satoru had done a poor job of filling, and wanted to fill that empty space with a girlfriend instead. His thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock on his door, almost too soft to be Suguru’s knock, but surely it’s him. He must’ve returned from walking Saki out to her car, from kissing her cherry-glossed lips, from running his fingers through her perfectly raven-colored hair that matched Suguru’s.

Satoru doesn’t know if he should pretend to be asleep, pretend that he doesn’t hear his knuckles gently collide with his door, pretend that death didn’t just show up at his door to strip him away from the confines of the coffin he is lying in. He lets out a soft sigh that only he can hear from underneath the blankets.

“Can I come in?” Suguru asks gently, like he’s an intruder that’s afraid of entering a sacred place.

“Yeah…” Satoru softly grumbles from under the blanket as he slowly takes hold of it in his hands and slides it off his head, exposing his damp hair and face to the calm, cool air of his room.

Even though he locked his door earlier after escaping the clutches of his friends’ piercing eyes, he and Suguru have perfected opening the locked doors in their apartment. It’s something that became automatic, jamming a single finger nail into the vertical slot to turn the center latch of the doorknob so it unlocks. They could have changed out the doorknobs so they were the lock-and-key kind if they wanted to, but that’s not a thought that ever crossed their mind because of the kind of relationship they have. They knew that if something happened to one of them, they would want to be able to get into a locked room with ease, without worry, without utter panic. Satoru hears the center slot of the lock as it turns, and sees Suguru gently push the door open. He doesn’t bother turning on the light, allowing him to rest in his room that is softly being illuminated by the moon glowing outside his window.

“Are you— doing alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Satoru hesitates for a moment. “Why do you ask?” He doesn’t know why he chooses to do it to himself, why he chooses to torture himself over this continuously, but he searches Suguru’s face for signs that Saki left her mark on him. He searches for kiss-bitten lips, for dusty pink cheeks, for stray hairs, for anything out of place in the perfect image that is Suguru standing in his room. But he doesn’t find a single thing out of place. He feels like he can relax a little bit, just the tiniest bit. Maybe this won’t be as bad as I think. Maybe it won’t last as long as I think.

“You didn’t tell me good night.”

Suddenly, Satoru’s heart is in his throat. Fuck. It’s in this moment that Satoru realizes he’s right, that it’s the first night he didn’t tell Suguru goodnight, the first night in years that he didn’t tell him goodnight. Even before they moved in together, he would at least send Suguru a nightly goodnight text or give him a nightly goodnight phone call. It was something special, something intimate that was beautifully made for just the two of them. And tonight was the first night that Satoru forgot. Well, forgot is an understatement. You have to remember something to forget it. And Satoru didn’t remember that he was supposed to, couldn’t remember that he was supposed. Instead, he was busy replaying images in his mind of things he had never seen happen, things that maybe didn’t happen based on his assessment of Suguru’s current appearance. He had been too distracted with images of Suguru’s lips all over Saki’s, hands tangled in her hair, knee pushed in between her thighs as she gently moaned into his mouth, and then, he saw a bright flash of red, like he was a bull running rampant toward a red flag that he was being taunted by. Satoru really doesn’t know what to say. He has no excuse, or maybe he does, but not an excuse that Suguru can know.

“I’m- I’m sorry….I’ve been feeling weird lately.” He lets the words scrape out of his chest, leaving him hollow inside. There’s some truth in it because after all, Satoru had been feeling weird lately, but he won’t admit the real reason behind it.

“It doesn’t have to do with Saki, does it?” Suguru asks him, almost like he can read his mind and watch the images flashing inside of it haunt Satoru to death, like a ghost that follows you even to the deepest darkest depths of the afterlife.

“No.” Satoru’s lies, “No, not at all. I’m just feeling overwhelmed by my family.”

Suguru sits down on the foot of his bed and places a gentle hand on top of his ankle that’s actively hidden beneath his blanket. Satoru almost flinches at his gentle touch, and doesn’t know whether he should move his leg or relax into the feeling.

“I’m sorry, Satoru. I wish things were different.” Suguru turns his head to meet dazzling blue eyes, shimmering like diamonds in the faint glow of his moonlit room.

“Me too,” Satoru says so softly that it almost gets lost in the air between them, except he’s not talking about his family. He had known, since a young age, that his dad was sick. He knew he wasn’t going to live a long life, so he cherished the short time he had with him while he was still living at home. He left home to attend Tokyo Jujutsu High School, and then his father died in the middle of his final year. Satoru regretted not being at home during that time, but was thankful that Suguru was by his side. It’s what drove his decision to stay away from home and pursue university with him instead.

Ultimately, he wanted to be with Suguru because he knew that he could make it through anything in life if he were by his side. Satoru still went back home occasionally to visit with and console his mother, his grandmother, his aunt and uncles, his cousins, but he mostly stayed away because of the looming pressure of filling his father's shoes as head of the Gojo family. As head of the family, his father bore a lot of responsibilities. Ensuring relationships stayed good amongst the three big families, being the voice and leader of the clan, making executive decisions about the future of their family, and keeping everyone safe and in line. Satoru just didn’t see that for himself. He wanted to be free— free to choose a path that he wanted. Not a path that he feels ultimately led his father to his death. He had a heart condition, and Satoru attributed it to extreme stress and pressure from dealing with everything. A sudden heart attack is what ultimately spelled the end for him. And now, even 4 years after his death, even though Satoru is 22 years old, his family wants more than anything for him to come back home and stay home.

“Is there anything I can do that would help you?”

Yes. Break up with Saki, tell her you never want to see her again. Stay here with me all night.

“I can’t really think of anything. Thanks, though.”

Suguru softly pats his ankle, still covered up under the blanket. His hand lingers there a little too long. Suguru clears his throat and then stands up.

“You know where to find me if you need to talk, or anything, okay?”

Or anything. Satoru nods his head and struggles to give him a genuine smile. It comes off as faint and weak, like his heart that currently feels like it’s on its deathbed.

“Goodnight, Satoru,” Suguru says as he’s pulling his door shut again. Satoru watches his image disappear behind the closed door and sighs.

He can feel tears starting to build up in his eyes, but he takes a deep breath and by the time he lets it all out again, his eyes feel drier. If today was a glimpse of what every day will look like around here for the rest of my lease, then I don’t want to be here. He quickly dismisses the idea by reminding himself that everything feels so raw, so open, so freshly wounded like it’s actively bleeding still. He decides to put that thought on hold and just see how the next few weeks, or even a few months—if he can make it that far-- go. Six months in, six months to go. What could happen?

That night, Satoru had a nightmare that he was drowning inside a car that had crashed into a river. He’s trapped in the backseat, can’t undo his seatbelt, and the car is completely submerged in water. The driver and front passenger had already escaped to the shoreline, leaving him behind, and they’re not even trying to help him. He can see their outlines through the glossy back window, enough to know they’re staring at him. He’s trying to scream, but he can’t even breathe, not with all the water that’s already filled his lungs. He’s trying to bust open a window, trying to punch it, but his punches lack strength. It’s like he has no control over his own body movements. He thrashes around, trying to destroy everything in his reach, anything he can, to make a sound indicating that he is trapped inside and needs help, or else he’s going to die. He’s going to die. The full wave of panic sets in and—

Satoru jumps up in his bed in a cold sweat, chest fully heaving like it’s the first breath of air he’s taken in minutes. His eyes dart to the digital clock resting on his nightstand, and it displays 3:33 am. What the hell was that? His thoughts are incoherent as they struggle to grab hold of reality in his half-dazed state. He feels his chest swelling and releasing with each exasperated breath, as he works to slow down his breathing. Should I wake up Suguru?

Satoru doesn’t give it a second thought before he’s up on his feet, opening his bedroom door and stepping out into the hallway. As soon as he’s standing in front of Suguru’s door, he raises his hand to knock on the door, but stops when he hears the low rumble of Suguru’s muffled voice. It’s hard to make out what exactly he’s saying, but he can tell that he’s on the phone with someone. At 3:30 in the morning?

Suguru lets out a laugh that sounds like it had been forced to keep quiet, like it was forbidden in this household, like it was instructed not to hit a decibel that would reach Satoru’s ears and pluck him from the depths of his sleep. Oh. He’s talking to Saki. His heart immediately drops down into his stomach as the realization sets in that he’s having late-night phone calls with his girlfriend. He immediately thinks of the late-night conversations that he used to have with Suguru. He slowly lowers his hand back down so it’s resting at his side, and decides that he should just go back to bed. There’s no point in it anyway. Why should he interrupt, when she’s clearly making him laugh, making him smile, making him happy? Satoru thinks about how selfish that would be to interrupt their special time together, how pathetic and annoying that would look to Suguru, how creepy and odd that would look to Saki.

Yeah, so my roommate, the one who hardly even acknowledged you all night, had a bad dream and wants my attention. Satoru almost disgusts himself picturing how that conversation would go. Fucking pathetic. He mentally beats himself up, and then trudges back to his room. He closes the door, perhaps a little bit too loudly, and climbs back into bed. This time, he buries his head underneath his pillow, trying to suffocate the thoughts that taint his mind with a petite, gorgeous woman making out with the same lips he thought would one day belong to him. Fucking pathetic.

A few minutes later, Satoru hears a soft knock on his door, but he doesn’t move, doesn’t even make a peep.

“Hey, Satoru. Are you awake?” Suguru calls out, half-whispering.

Satoru doesn’t respond, just keeps his head lodged underneath that pillow like it was a shield protecting him from incoming pain. Suguru remains there at his door for a minute or two, but after not hearing anything back, the sound of footsteps quietly recedes and disappears back into his room. He doesn’t hear Suguru on the phone with her anymore, but he also probably couldn’t hear them even if they still were, anyway, being that Suguru’s room was far enough down the hall from his.

Satoru’s heart is pounding inside his chest, and not in the fuzzy-feeling, world-stopping kind of way. It feels like it’s being squeezed, no, crushed underneath the pressure and weight of it all. It does not allow him to breathe, and it does not allow him to sleep. What the hell am I going to do with myself?

He tries to close his eyes, but fails each time a new image of Suguru and Saki appears in front of his eyelids like a jump scare. She fucking haunts him, and he hates it, so his mind begins plotting ways to get rid of her. It makes him feel like a homicidal maniac who is plotting how he wants to kill his next victim. Would that really make him happy, though, if it meant making Suguru sad? Satoru doesn’t know anymore. All he knows is that she’s driving him fucking bonkers, and he barely met her less than 12 hours ago. She needs to go.

------------

When Satoru doesn’t know what to do with his feelings, when they feel too much like they could cause him to burst open and bleed, he picks up a pen and writes. Sometimes they’re letters to himself that he’ll store away in the bin he keeps high up in his closet, only to find them again another day when he feels like reminiscing on past feelings. Other times, they’re fragments of words or phrases sewn together, difficult to decipher, but easy to see the emotion behind them. Writing has always brought him comfort. It’s the one thing that stays on paper once it’s written, almost like a photograph once it’s captured. Though time moves forward and feelings change, his words don’t.

He wakes up that morning having only slept for a few hours total. His head was swimming with thoughts of Suguru and his new girlfriend, thoughts that held him hostage throughout the night. Before doing anything else, he gets out of bed and moves over to his writing desk that is perched in the corner of the room. Only Suguru knows how special that writing desk space is to Satoru, how important it is that once he picks up the pen, he is not to be interrupted unless the sky is falling and the world is ending. Writing is a sacred time to Satoru, a sacred time that only Suguru understands. And he writes so beautifully. His words paint a picture that few eyes ever see, but surely would be a masterpiece if exposed to the world. Suguru has had the honor of reading many letters that Satoru has written, cherishing the ones that are addressed to him the most. Those are his favorites. He keeps them tucked away in his sock drawer, hidden from the world because they’re from Satoru, and that makes them special by default.

Satoru writes differently when a letter is addressed to Suguru versus when he’s writing about Suguru. His letters are always more mild than whatever he intends to say, but when he writes about them, it’s like he sets his pen on fire and blazes a trail that only Satoru himself will return to read again someday. This morning, Satoru writes about Suguru, and not directly to him.

I’ll never understand how you brought this strange woman into your life, into our house, into our lives. It feels like I don’t recognize you, like I don’t recognize the heart that loves me in ways that I cannot learn to love. I know somewhere inside of your heart that you love me the way that I love you. I know you must. Every look we share, every laugh we share, every sweet conversation that remains between us ties our two souls together and intertwines us, tangles us together. I love you. And I hate that I cannot tell you that. I’d give anything to kiss you the way I imagine you will kiss her. I’d give anything to lie with you the way I imagine you will lie with her. I’d give anything to be her for one night, to feel the way you will make love to her and—

There’s a knock on Satoru’s door that makes him jump out of his chair. He quickly rustles some old notes from the semester he recently finished and stuffs his letter about Suguru underneath them. He feels his face burning and hopes the red blush that dusts his cheeks will fade so that he will not notice. 

He clears his throat and turns toward the door. “Come in.”

The door softly pushes open, and it’s Suguru in loose gym shorts that are slouching on his hips and a large, white t-shirt that looks almost too big for him. His long, black hair and bangs are a mess, and Satoru thinks that’s when he looks the most beautiful. It takes everything inside of him not to blush whenever he gets the privilege of seeing him like this. It’s not often that he catches Suguru in this form, or when he is freshly out of the shower without a shirt on, but whenever he does, he burns the image into his memory so he can think about it later in private. It’s been a whole six months of living together, and Satoru is not used to it. He has to clench his toes extra hard until it hurts just to counteract the desire, to make that burning feeling in his core disintegrate. What he would give to lie in bed next to him looking like that.

Suguru stretches his arm upwards, almost reaching the ceiling, and yawns.

“Good morning, Satoru. Are you….writing?” The realization that he’s probably been up since early this morning, deep into his writing, sends a shiver down his spine. He probably shouldn’t have come in, probably should’ve come back at a later time when he was no longer sitting at his writing desk.

“No, uh—it’s fine. I was reading, actually.” Satoru lies. Is this what my life is turning into? Constant lying?

Suguru glances at his desk and can make out some old notes from philosophy class. The look on his face morphs into something even more confused. He can’t understand why Satoru would be up so early and reviewing old philosophy notes.

“Trying to find inspiration in past lectures?” Suguru asks him, still just as confused as before but trying to make sense of what he’s seeing.

“Something like that.” Satoru pretends to be interested in his notes for a minute, just enough to make it convincing. When he looks back at Suguru, he’s yawning again, and it’s in that moment that he realizes how exhausted he looks. He can make out a few extra bags under his eyes.

“I wanted to ask you, did you come to my door in the middle of the night?”

Satoru freezes for two reasons. For one, he’s reminded of the late-night phone call that he had with his girlfriend, and he sounded all giddy while he was talking to her, in an unrecognizable way. I’ve never seen him act like that with anyone else. For the other reason, he’s realized that Suguru must’ve been aware of his presence outside his door, and that’s why he probably came knocking on Satoru’s door last night. So now he is faced with a choice: should he continue to lie and play it off, or should he be honest about what happened?

“Yeah, I did,” Satoru admits. “But you sounded busy, so I didn’t want to bother.”

“Oh. Was I being too loud? I was trying to be quiet.”

“No, it’s fine. I didn’t even know you were awake until I got to your door, if I’m being honest.”

“Okay, well, that’s good, then. What did you need?”

What did I need? What I needed was you. I needed you to open the door and wrap your arms around me as you pulled me into your room. To listen to me while holding me closely in your arms, as I told you about the terrifying dream I had. To press soft kisses to my forehead and temple, and feel the brush of your lips against my neck as you place more kisses on me. To pull me into your bed and let me fall asleep beside you so you could ward off my bad dreams. I needed you, Suguru. I really needed you. But I guess she needed you more, and you’ll continue to choose her over me every single time without fail. I’ll get used to the feeling eventually. I’ll get used to it. I have to get used to it.

He pivots to a lie like it was on instinct, but fails to think it all the way through. “I was going to ask you if I could borrow something.”

“Oh.” Suguru buys his lie temporarily. “What is it?”

“Nah, it was nothing. It’s all good.”

“Hmm, it doesn’t sound like nothing. Why are you being so cryptic this morning?” Suguru steps closer to him and gives him a teasing smile. Even in his most raw form, he’s still so gorgeous.

“Me, cryptic? Never.” Satoru teases him back. He loves moments like these with Suguru. Moments where everything feels so easy and carefree. He’s going to miss them as if his heart already knows it’s time to slowly prepare mourning for the inevitable, pending loss. He knows that he’s often cryptic with his friends, but only with them, and not with Suguru. He is the one person who gets to see the real Satoru, to see what he’s really like underneath all of his sometimes too-much-to-handle personality. If Satoru is being cryptic, it means he’s hiding something, and he’s not one to openly talk about his hidden feelings unless it’s with Suguru.

“So, are you going to actually tell me the real reason?” Suguru smiles as he says it, waiting to see if Satoru caves in.

Satoru looks at him and shakes his head no. Not yet.

“I think I’d rather keep you guessing. It’s more fun that way.” He smirks at Suguru, who is looking at the mess of pens and sheets of paper scattered on his desk.

“Gonna write me something?” Suguru asks, like he already knows what Satoru is going to do next.

He knows that there’s no real reason to push him for answers because Satoru always ends up coming around to him. He knows it’s only a matter of time before he receives a letter or a knock on his door that means he’s ready to talk about it. Sometimes, it takes Satoru a little longer to process his own feelings. He had always been like that, needing to sit with something by himself for a while before handing it over to someone else, like a torch that was filled with the mysteries of his worries and pain being passed on to the next victim.

“I guess we’ll see.” Satoru smiles and turns back toward his desk. Suguru takes it as his sign to leave. He pauses when he grabs the door handle and looks back at Satoru.

“If I’m not home when you finish it, can you just slip it under my door?”

Satoru stops breathing as soon as he’s processed the words. Of course, he’s going to go see her and probably spend the entire day with her. Why would I even think that he’d want to stay home today? To stay home with me all day? Satoru nods as his smile slowly fades. He tries to maintain it, but it comes off as forced, and he’s pretty sure that Suguru can see right through him.

He quietly answers, “Yeah, I can do that.”

Suguru gives him a weak smile in return, almost like there’s something sad underneath his eyes, and he pulls the door shut behind him as he exits Satoru’s sanctuary. With Suguru out of sight, his eyes slowly fill up, the pressure behind them so immense that it forces the water out of them and into his tear ducts. Before a single drop can fall onto the sheets of paper in front of him, he slides them left and right to reveal the one he was working on underneath the stack. The one that he was writing about him. His eyes catch onto the words I love you and stay there for a while. Before he can think about it, his hands are already moving as he grabs the paper with a tight fist and crumples it as hard as he can into a ball. He chucks it into the small waste bin underneath his desk as teardrops escape from his eyes and fall onto his shirt.

He rests his elbows on his desk and buries his head in his hands. He stays there for a long time, not moving, not thinking—just eyes remaining closed and silently shedding tears. He’s well aware of what Suguru having a girlfriend means. He knows it’s only a matter of time before she’ll be at their house almost every day, even spending the night sometimes, and he’ll hear the sound of thumping against the walls that are too thin to hide the sounds of intimacy late at night, thumping in a predictable pattern that haunts Satoru in his sleep. Not that he’d really even be able to sleep, anyway, if he heard them. He wonders how long he can stomach all of this, how long before he finds himself wanting to be away from home constantly, how long before he packs all of his things and moves out of the place he had been so excited to move into. He doesn’t know the answer to any of it, and he doesn’t want to stick around to find out, but he knows it’s all out of his control. He’ll have to find new friends, new ways to occupy himself, and new ways to escape the sight of Suguru and his girlfriend. He hates it all. He hates it so much.

Satoru doesn’t write him a letter. There’s nothing to say to him—nothing that would change anything, anyway. He only has venom that reeks of jealousy to spew from his weeping heart, and it’s his job to conceal it as much as possible to protect Suguru. What he would write, if he could be honest with him, would be about how much he doesn’t want any of this, about how his visions and plans and dreams for his future with him have been soiled, about how he has a heart that only beats for Suguru and he wishes it wouldn’t anymore so he could learn to survive this. He would write how he’s afraid to come home to an empty house, a house where Suguru no longer spends most of his time. He would write how he constantly feels sick thinking about the sight of them holding hands, or cuddling up on the same couch where he and Satoru would sit, or kissing lips that Satoru had memorized the shape of, or God forbid, the gut-wrenching sound of skin rhythmically slapping against skin in the night. But none of that is ever written down, none of that is ever brought to life on the blank paper in front of him, none of it is ready to be made real.

It isn’t long before Satoru hears the shower turn on and off, and the sound of dresser drawers and closet doors opening and closing, and the sound of the front door opening and shutting. Suguru is gone, and probably won’t be home for a long while. Satoru begins to think that in order to get through this, he needs a hobby. He needs to pick up something new, something that he hasn’t touched yet, something that isn’t tainted by the sweet memories he’s made with Suguru that have turned sour. Writing reminds him of Suguru, even playing Digimon reminds him of Suguru; every memory and every single thing that has molded Satoru into the person he is today is ingrained with the essence of Suguru. Sure, he could reach out to Shoko and their mutual friends, but he knew it was only a matter of time before he could no longer conceal how hurt he was and would unravel in front of them like a desperate fool. It’s a no-brainer that he wants to hang out with his new girlfriend, wants to learn her voice, listen to her dreams, absorb her feelings, memorize the shape of her body, wants to drink more of her until he is completely submerged with her very being and drowning in her. Until his body becomes one with hers. If he didn’t want all that, wouldn’t that make him a shitty boyfriend?

It doesn’t make it hurt any less. Satoru’s head is pounding viciously, and he finds himself returning to the same bed that he had barely escaped from less than an hour ago. He feels the warmth of his blanket wrapped around him, like a consolation hug for losing the love of his life to an external force, a force that he would have never seen coming. He closes his eyes in an attempt to sweep out any remaining tears and finds himself slowly drifting off to sleep again. Goodnight, Suguru, he mumbles as he drifts away to somewhere that’s hopefully better than this new reality that he has to face.

------------

Three weeks ago

Suguru had been unbelievably stressed out. If it weren’t for Satoru carefully planning meals and making him dinner every night, he probably wouldn’t have eaten anything at all. He had started noticing more hair falling out in the shower, more bags under his eyes, more worries filling his head, and drowning his brain in them. Finals week was about to begin, and Suguru didn’t feel ready. Despite hours upon hours of studying, staying up extra late with Satoru so he could quiz him, spending extra time on campus for office hours and review sessions, he didn’t feel adequately prepared. Maybe it was something in the air. Maybe it was the uneasiness he felt at home. Maybe it was the constant worry about his future, the constant haunting words of his parents. They’d been expecting Suguru to meet someone while at university, and Suguru had been failing to even do that. He had no time for relationships, no time for meeting potential wives. Not that he even wanted that, anyway.  

He had wondered if Satoru was ever going to admit feelings for him, if he ever felt something more for him than what he led on, if he ever felt the same spark between them that Suguru felt. He waited and waited for that spark to catch on to something and ignite, but it never did. There was no ignition source, only more waiting and more disappointment. Suguru became tired of waiting and realized if it hadn’t already happened by now, it probably was never going to. Sure, Suguru could have made a first move, but the fear of rejection while living under the same roof, especially when he was already uncertain about Satoru’s unspoken feelings, fed his hesitancy and doubt even more. It had become a lost cause, a lost dream, a lost memory of things that never happened. If Satoru remained in his life as his friend for eternity, then Suguru was satisfied. That’s all he really wanted, anyway, to remain by his side for as long as humanly possible.  

It didn’t help that Suguru’s parents always pushed. Constant questions about when he was finally going to bring a girl back home with him, when he was going to think about settling down with someone and getting married, and when he was going to find someone who was like him. Satoru was never an option, and Suguru knew deep down that he never would have been an option. How could Suguru bring him home and admit to his family that he brought a man home, a man who wouldn’t be able to produce grandchildren for them? Part of Suguru wanted to completely ignore their pushing, to allow himself to feel happy and make a choice that would bring fulfillment to his life. But the other part of him that yearned for their approval knew how disappointed they would be with him.  

Suguru wasn’t trying to meet someone. He just wasn’t. It’s something that just happened. The shoe fit, so he wore it. He had reserved a private study room in the library for a 3pm-5pm slot and was shocked to find someone already sitting inside of it when he showed up 5 minutes late. He didn’t want to be rude, but he did reserve the space after all, and so he figured he should say something. 

“Hey, uh, I don’t want to come off as rude. But I had this room reserved.” 

The softest, sweetest eyes glanced up from her heavy textbooks and notebooks strewn across the table to meet his. She looked almost afraid, like she was caught red-handed in the middle of something she wasn’t supposed to be doing. 

“I-I’m sorry. It let me reserve it, so I thought I had it reserved, and I didn’t mean to—“ His face turned softer as she spoke, slowly melting away the serious look he had entered the room with. 

“It’s alright, really. If you say you reserved it, then you reserved it and it’s yours.” He yielded to her, figured it was a losing battle, that she could just have it, and he’d find somewhere else quiet to be. 

He started turning his back to walk away when she interrupted his motion with, “Wait! You can stay. I-I mean, you don’t have to go. I don’t mind if you’re in here, too, really.”  

He faces her again, with a questioning look on his face. “Are you sure? What you’re studying looks more important, and I don’t want to disturb you.” 

“I’m sure! It’s all just medical jargon and anatomy anyway, nothing too crazy.”  

“Wow, that’s impressive. Seems pretty crazy to me.” 

“Apparently, this is the easy stuff. I haven’t even gotten to the meat and bones of my program yet. I really don’t mind if you stay.” 

“So you must be in one of the medical programs, then? My friend Shoko Ieri is studying to be a doctor, too.” 

“I am! Shoko, huh? The name doesn’t ring a bell, so she must be an upperclassman. I’m barely starting out.” 

“Yeah, she’s almost made it to her final year, and I don’t envy all that she’s had to do.” Suguru pulls out one of the chairs and sits down, rests his backpack on the table, and begins pulling out his notebooks and laptop. 

“I figure I’ll be prepared by the time that comes. Practically everyone in my whole family is a doctor, so I’ve lived and breathed this stuff since I was little.” 

“Is that so?” Suguru smiles as he realizes he enjoys hearing her talk. Something about the sound of her cute voice and the way she says things creates a small spark inside his chest.  This is where it all started, their meet-cute. Two unlikely people, who by some glitch of the universe, simultaneously booked the same time slot in the same study room at the same university library. They spent the entire 2-hour study session talking about everything under the sun, from names and introductions to hobbies and interests. Suguru was so lost in conversation that he forgot to mention Satoru, the person he lived with, the person he spent practically every waking second with, the person he had waited for years to give him something tangible for the fire to catch onto. 

For the first time in years, he had forgotten to mention Satoru. He felt something lodged in his throat at the realization, and knew he had to insert his name into the conversation somewhere.

“I bet you’d get along with Satoru.” 

“Who’s that? Should I know who that is?” 

Suguru chuckles. “No, he’s my roommate. My best friend. You two have a similar personality.” 

“I mean, sure, I guess I would meet him. But I’m more interested in your personality than someone else with one like mine.” She smiles and flashes a look at him that melts his heart and freezes over time. “I probably shouldn’t have said that.” She looks down, a red glow suddenly appearing on her cheeks. 

“I’m glad you did.” Suguru smiles at her, and somehow, this feels right. If his parents could see him right now, they’d be so proud of him. Watching him talking to a girl, a successful girl at that, one who surely has a bright future ahead and a strong head on her shoulders. Someone who he would be proud to show off and bring home to them. “Would you want to maybe hang out sometime?” 

She blushes and looks up. “Y-yeah, I’d love that actually.” She tears a little piece of paper off her notebook and scribbles on it. “Here, this is for you.” 

She hands him a small torn paper that contains her phone number and the words Orimoto Saki. He tries to picture her name as Geto Saki, but the thought squeezes the acid churning in his stomach and makes him feel sick. Too much at once, he can’t even handle the thought of actually marrying someone else. Someone who isn’t Satoru. It’s odd how this moment can simultaneously feel right and wrong. It’s like two halves of Suguru are torn down the middle: who his parents long for him to be and who he truly wants to be. He’s at a crossroads, but the second he sends Saki a message asking her out somewhere is the same moment he realizes he already made his choice. He would choose Saki, and effectively, choose his parents’ approval over himself. The rest is history.

------------

He had spent the last three weeks talking to Saki almost daily after taking her out for dinner one night, their first date. He quickly realized he couldn’t hide her away forever, couldn’t hide her from Satoru forever, so he gradually brought her up. Three days after he first told Satoru about her was the night his friends came over to meet her. And they absolutely ate her up, and Suguru knew it. They were all amazed by her, except for Satoru, and Suguru could feel it. He could feel the presence of a rift that had developed between them, at first like a crack, but by this morning, it was already the size of a ravine. He sensed that Satoru was being driven crazy by a woman entering his life for what seemed like the first time, and he was hoping Satoru would talk about his feelings, hoping it would give him a push to admit things that he normally wouldn’t. 

Somehow, Suguru was still waiting even though every ounce in his body had told him to give up already and that it wasn’t going to happen. The fact that he was still waiting is what prevented him from kissing Saki, from moving any further with her besides giving her a small peck against her head of hair when he gave her a brief hug goodbye. He didn’t feel like a proper boyfriend, couldn’t yet allow himself to be a proper boyfriend, not until he was certain about where Satoru stood with him. And Satoru wasn’t making it easy. Suguru knew he always had difficulty communicating, even when feelings came out easier with him than with anyone else. So he waited. He figured if Satoru was really jealous or bothered by it, he’d finally confess his love. But if he never got a letter or a confession, then it wasn’t real and would never be real. If there was ever a push to force Satoru to spill out his feelings, this was the push. It should’ve been the push. But when Suguru came back home to find his house quieter than usual, opened his room, and didn’t have a letter waiting for him, he felt that silence spoke louder than words could have and gave him the answer he had been searching for. It’s not the answer he wanted, but nonetheless, it was an answer. Satoru was not going to fight for him, or plain and simple, didn’t feel for him the way Suguru had always hoped he might. Silence was like a confirmation, and though it broke something inside of him, it also set free something inside of him.  For the first time, Suguru thinks he can learn to kiss Saki, learn to really kiss her, and kiss her without feeling guilt, learn to memorize the feeling of her body, the exact hue of her irises, and the shape of her lips. He thinks he can learn them without the weight of Satoru’s lingering confession that would never rise to the surface. 

For the second time in years, Satoru doesn’t tell Suguru goodnight.

------------

A week has passed, and Satoru has made every effort to avoid talking to Suguru. Everything feels ruined, tainted with Saki in every thought, in every sentence, in every conversation. It nauseates him to no end, so he avoids it like the plague. He knows that Suguru has noticed how he has withdrawn himself. He spends most of his time locked away in his room and doesn’t bother to come out and look for Suguru. He’s in bed a lot more and on his phone a lot more. He’s stopped saying goodnight to Suguru because it feels out of place to say it now, like it no longer belongs to Satoru, like it’s no longer something special that they share. Even in the few conversations they’ve had, Satoru is quieter, more hesitant, more distant. He keeps everything surface level, refusing to dive under water into the dark depths to face the unknown. 

It isn’t until he overhears what Saki said to Suguru during a phone call that he realizes it’s time for him to stop moping around and pull himself out of this slump he’s in. Suguru is making something for dinner, and his phone is resting on the counter, on speaker, so it frees up both of his hands. Saki’s voice seems way too happy, way too cheerful, and she’s in way too good a mood for a phone call that just started. 

What are you doing, handsome? Can I come see you in a bit, please? I want to continue where we left off last night....I miss your lips already. 

Satoru, who is sitting on the couch, currently scrolling past posts on social media, completely freezes and stops breathing. He begins suffocating inside his chest, becoming more and more starved for air. Oh god, no. What the fuck, Suguru? 

Why does Satoru feel like he’s being cheated on? Why does every fiber in his being reject her, reject him, reject this? He wants to rip every hair out of his head, rip every artery out that feeds his heart, rip every single letter he ever wrote that even vaguely mentions Suguru into a million unsalvageable pieces. 

Satoru jumps up to his feet, snatches his keys from the counter, and storms out. He refuses to look back for any evidence of Suguru following after him, for any evidence that he just caused a scene.  Satoru doesn’t really know where he’s going. He just knows that his feet are carrying him away somewhere, to a place that’s surely better than listening to his conversation with her. He doesn’t want to think anymore. He doesn’t want to be sober anymore. This last week was truly the week from hell, and Satoru doesn’t think he can make it through another week like this. He had thought maybe things would get better, that maybe he’d get used to it. I’ll get used to the feeling eventually. How stupid he was to actually believe that for even a second. There’s no getting used to the feeling of your heart taking a beating, of hearing words spoken that you’d hoped to never hear, of watching a knife being stabbed repeatedly into your lungs over and over and over again until you can no longer breathe. He needs his brain to stop thinking for a moment, to stop spinning, to stop replaying the same old tiring images again and again and again. 

Satoru finds himself standing in front of the nearest bar. The open sign is illuminated and looks inviting enough, so he pushes the door open and steps inside. The place is lively, as it should be on a Saturday night. His eyes don’t bother scanning the room to review the various faces that surround him. He walks straight up to the counter and looks right through the bartender. 

“I’ll take a shot of the strongest shit you’ve got.” 

“Rough night?” 

“Rough fucking life.” He sharply corrected.

“You know, Gojo, I didn’t take you for someone who drinks. But if strong is what you want, then who am I to say no?” 

Hearing the bartender say his name pulls him out of his crazed stupor, as he focuses his eyes on the face in front of him, looking at him directly instead of through him. Zenin. Naoya Zenin. Satoru knows him from a previous semester, the one where he and Suguru took an art elective together. But he knew of him even before art class because he’s a descendant of the Zenin clan, which is one of the big three families that the Gojo family is part of. If he remembers correctly, Naoya was an art major, which makes sense for someone like him who is covered in body art. He has sleeves on both arms that are painted with colorful masterpieces that rest on top of beautifully pale arms. It’s easy to see that his biceps are muscular underneath his fitted black t-shirt, and Satoru would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t look good. 

“You’re not wrong. I don’t drink often.” 

Naoya begins pulling out various glass bottles of liquid and pouring concoctions of drinks like he’s a damn alchemist. He looks like a mad scientist, creating the perfect potion that’s strong enough to make Satoru forget everything from the last week, strong enough to make his mind travel back in time to a moment when he still believed he and Suguru would fall in love with each other. 

“So, why are you here then? Not that it’s any of my business, really. A paying customer is still a customer.” Naoya gently places a shot glass in front of him and motions for him to take it. Satoru grips the glass like it was an antidote for the poison that was spreading throughout his body and killing him slowly, and inhales every last drop in one smooth motion. Naoya doesn’t flinch and places the second shot in front of him. 

“Another one, I’m assuming?” 

Satoru doesn’t hesitate. He snatches the new shot glass in front of him and downs it in the same fashion. He finds Naoya’s eyes, which are already staring at him.  

“Got another?” Satoru asks, waiting for the anxious thoughts that cloud his mind to start dwindling away. Naoya hesitantly places a third shot glass in front of him, feeling concerned about his alcohol tolerance. Nonetheless, he complies as long as Satoru pays. 

For the third time tonight, Satoru grabs the shot glass, and it’s instantly gone, like it had never been there before, like it had always been destined to live inside of his belly and fill his body with warmth instead of the freezing cold pit that has since frozen his whole world over. 

“Alright, Gojo, I’ve let you have your fun. Less drinking, more talking.” Naoya firmly says as the look on his face grows more stern.  

“I’ll start talking when it starts hurting less.” He motions to him for another shot, but Naoya shakes his head at him, remaining firm. 

“Hold up, I know I said you’re a paying customer and all, but I’m not going to let you be reckless. Not in my bar. Give it a while, then we’ll see. Alright?” 

Satoru nods, beginning to feel the dazed effects of the liquor take over his body. The noise rattling around inside his brain begins to quiet down, the atmosphere surrounding him begins to blur, and his tense muscles begin to relax. He almost feels a tingling sensation, a buzzing sensation zipping through his body. He wants to stay in this haze forever if it means not ever having to think about Osaka ever again…No, that’s not ittt. Sakuraaa? Sasakkkii? Nooo— what’s herrr fuckinnggn nnamee agaiainn? Satoru doesn’t really know, doesn’t really remember, and really doesn’t care to keep trying to remember.  But that was the point of doing all of this in the first place, right? He quickly stops thinking about whatever her name is, because everything around him melts, every last bit of tension and worry and stress. The world around him finally feels quiet, finally feels so peaceful. So, so peaceful.  

Satoru doesn’t know how much time has passed, if any at all; he really can’t tell, but he savors every second of this feeling. He hardly knows what he’s doing sitting here in this strange, blissful place, but it’s a place that brings him comfort, a place that makes him feel like he belongs, a place unlike his apartment for the last week. Satoru starts opening his mouth to speak, but then stops because he’s interrupted by some more buzzing. Whatt iss thissss— thisss feeeelinnng? Itsss wwwondeddrrfulll. Bzzz….bzzz bzzz… a buzzzzzy beee…. Bzzzz bzzzzz. It takes Satoru a while to figure out that this buzzing sensation on his right thigh is not alcohol related, but instead, his phone vibrating nonstop. Satoru doesn’t have to check it to know who is calling him. He doesn’t answer, but instead, leans into this wonderfully hazy feeling the liquor is giving him and allows himself to continue floating. Taake thattt, Sugruruuu, you basttarrdd. 

“Heyyy, Naoyyaa….ssorryyy, uhhhn Zenin?” 

“Naoya’s fine. Hurting less now, hmm?” 

Satoru lazily nods, his head feels weightless, like a bobble head gently bouncing up and down and up and down, unable to stop itself from bobbling.  

“Y’everrr been innlovve?”  

“Hmm, yeah. Once. I kind of figured it must’ve been about a girl. Did you get dumped? Rejected?” 

A girllll ahaha pshhh, ifff you onlyyy kneeww, Naooyyya. 

“Eveenn worsssee.” Satoru whispers so loudly that it’s not even a whisper. “Thheyy gott a girrllfriieendnd” 

“Oh, damn…wow…did not see that coming. So she doesn’t even like men. I’m sorry, Gojo. No way to fix that, I suppose.” 

What is Satoru even saying at this point? He doesn’t even really know, but he knows enough to realize how wrong it all sounds. Whhattevvverr. His purpose of coming here had been served. He’s officially wasted, and it’s exactly what he wanted to be. He doesn’t even realize how many people had disappeared little by little throughout the night, and now he’s the last person in the bar, other than Naoya, who is actively cleaning so he can go home for the night. Satoru completely lost track of time, doesn’t even know if it’s late or not, only that it’s nighttime and has been nighttime for a long time. He hadn’t even thought about how he was going to make it home. He hadn’t thought that far ahead, but his feet carried him into this bar, and they’ll surely carry him home. 

When Satoru tries to stand on his feet, he stumbles to the side and loses balance completely, tumbling down to the floor like a drunkard wandering the streets. He feels hands grab onto his arms and yank him up to his feet. He looks up, still in a drunken haze, and sees Naoya’s head moving side to side through what looks like double vision goggles.  

“Dammit, I should’ve known how much of a lightweight you were.” Naoya steadies his body, holding him upright, and almost tumbles with him as Satoru starts to fall down again. “Fuck, dude. I’m never letting you drink like this again! I don’t care how much money you throw at me.”  

Satoru can’t make out what Naoya is rambling on about, but knows that he’s irritated. Something about reckless and paying customers and damn it all to hell.  

“Don’t you have someone you can call to come get you? Surely, you have friends.” Naoya tries pulling him up again before realizing he’s going to tip over again the second he’s pulled upright. He lets go of his arms and lets Satoru lie there on the bar floor like it were his bed. Satoru looks like he’s going to black out any second, so Naoya reaches for the outline of a cellphone that he can clearly see in Satoru’s pocket. When he retrieves it, he notices the plethora of notifications staring back at him on his lock screen.  

“Look, see, your friend ‘Suguru’ has called you a bunch of times. Let me call him—“ 

“NO!” Satoru’s yell halts Naoya in his tracks and prevents him from hitting the call button. He fights to sit himself up and stares Naoya dead in the eyes like he’d kill someone if he were sober. That’s the last thing he needs right now: more shame, more embarrassment, more pain. 

Naoya huffs and rolls his eyes. He’s not scared, just extremely annoyed that he allowed this to happen, that he kept giving shots to a lightweight, that he’s now having to clean this mess up. 

“Quit being fucking ridicul—“ 

“NOO! Pllleeasse no, no, no, stttopp! Thh’girrllfriened!! He hass a girrllfriieindd!” Satoru looks like he’s going to burst into tears. He’s a desperate, drunk-looking madman who is fighting for his life not to pass out, and fighting for his life to prevent Naoya from calling him. 

If Naoya had absolutely no context, he would be just as clueless as anyone else. But it’s in that moment that Naoya realizes what all of this has been about. He remembers always seeing them side by side before class, seated next to each other during, and leaving class together. It all clicks simultaneously, like he found the missing piece to solve the mystery when he realizes that this heartbreak isn’t about a girl at all. Gojo isn’t heartbroken over a girl, it’s this Suguru guy. And it sounds like he has a girlfriend now. Ohhhh, I see what’s going on here. 

“Okay, okay, fuck. I won’t call. Is this who you’re so hung up over?” Naoya asks, practically pushing Satoru’s hands off of his legs that he’s latched onto like a koala bear.  “Kinda seems like he’s hung up on you. I mean, there’s 15 missed calls from him.” 

Satoru pathetically nods his head, confirming that it is Suguru, and he’s sobbing now. A drunken, blubbering, incoherent, sobbing mess. Naoya slaps a hand to his own forehead and lets out a big sigh, knowing he can’t just leave him this way. They don’t pay me for this shit. 

“Come on, I’ll get you home.” He aids Satoru to his feet, gripping his hand on his side and wrapping the other arm around his waist to stabilize him upright. Naoya slowly steps forward and practically drags Satoru with him. He has to stop a few times on the way to his car, but eventually makes it there and lowers him into the passenger seat. He helps loop Satoru’s arm through the seatbelt and pushes the buckle into the socket until it latches with a click. He tugs on the seatbelt sharply to ensure it tightens properly in case of an accident. Before Naoya gets into the driver's seat, he searches for an empty bag in the back of his car. He successfully finds one; it’s not much, but it’s better than nothing. He brings it to the front passenger seat and hands it to Satoru, just in case he needs to throw up on the way home. Once Naoya is buckled in his seat, he pulls open his phone and asks for directions. 

“So, where do I go?” 

Satoru lazily shrugs, eyes glazed over, looking like he’s on the verge of passing out. Naoya grabs hold of his leg and jerks him, in an attempt to sober him up just enough to get an address, just enough to get a starting point of some kind. Satoru cocks his head back against the seat as his eyes flutter shut. Naoya sighs and tries jerking him again. 

“Hey!! Where do I go? Your address!? Where do you live!?” 

Naoya wants to scold him, wants to slap him silly, wants to keep jerking his body back and forth until he’s lucid, but when he sees his body gently drifting in and out, he realizes how truly exhausted he looks. He looks like he hasn’t gotten proper sleep in months. He realizes that he must’ve wound himself up over this, agonizing for god knows how long. He realizes he must really be in love if he’s acting like this, and he must really be feeling so hurt inside to want to drown everything inside of him with alcohol. He realizes that he probably doesn’t want to be woken up, probably doesn’t want to sober up, and probably doesn’t even want to go home to a family that will be pissed off at their drunken son getting dropped off by someone who may as well be a stranger.  Naoya stops trying to wake him up, stops trying to get an answer from him that he knows he probably wouldn’t get anyway, and punches in his own address to his place. He lets out a deep sigh and hopes that karma repays him for this kind deed he’s about to perform. 

“Don’t worry…I’ve got you, Gojo.” Naoya says quietly, almost under his breath, knowing full well that Satoru is already passed out and snoring in his passenger seat, hopefully having pleasant dreams. Dreams that are surely more pleasant than his reality.

Chapter Text

Satoru wakes up in a strange bed in a strange room he doesn’t recognize. If it weren’t for the nausea that forced him awake, he would’ve thought he had been drugged and kidnapped. He immediately feels the sour aftertaste of alcohol in his mouth, as his throat struggles to keep it all from rising to the surface and projecting out of his mouth. He quickly gets up from the bed and frantically looks around, has no idea whose room he’s even in, and projectiles all the contents of his stomach onto the floor in front of him. 

Holy shit. That’s disgusting. He doesn’t remember drinking at all, only that he stormed out of his apartment and left to go somewhere. He now knows that the “ somewhere ” he went to must’ve been out drinking at some bar within walking distance of his house. So how did he end up in a stranger’s house, though? I didn’t fuck someone, did I? He hears soft banging and footsteps in the distance that are approaching him. The door opens and it’s—

“ Naoya ?” Satoru looks at him equally shocked as he is confused. 

“Great, you’re awake.” A smile quickly fades from Naoya’s face as he spots the swirl of vomit staining the floor between them like it’s passing judgment on Satoru’s choices last night. “— The fuck is that , Gojo? Geeze, you could’ve at least found the toilet first.” 

“Sorry, dude. I’ll clean it up….How did I—? Why am I—? Uhh, we didn’t…. do anything, right?” Satoru can’t find the right words to say or the right questions to ask. His head is pounding with a horrible ache, and his mouth is dry, but attempting to drink anything right now would be counterintuitive.

“ No, definitely not. No offense, but, uh , I don’t roll that way. So you don’t remember anything ?” Naoya is standing there with his arms crossed, lightly tapping his hand on his elbow as he stares.

“No, I don’t . But I feel like shit, and I want to clean that —” he pauses and points to the mess splattered on the ground before him, “—up before it makes me sick again.”

Naoya raises an eyebrow at him.

“You wanna wait in case you add some more to it?” Satoru can’t help but laugh, and it somehow lessens the queasiness in his stomach.

“Nah, I’m good. I can keep it down. And if not, I’ll find the nearest toilet.” 

“So now you want to search for the toilet? Asshole.” Naoya grins at him and poorly holds back a laugh.

“I mean, better late than never, right?” Satoru laughs too, and it refreshes a staleness inside his soul. “I have a lot of questions, but like— I have a lot of needs, too.”

“Why does that not surprise me? You seem like someone who’s high maintenance.”

“ Dick.” Satoru shoots back at him with a grin. These interactions with Naoya make him feel comfortable, like discovering the first bloom of spring after a long, harsh winter. There’s an essence to these conversations that feels so natural, like they were destined to become friends all this time. 

“What do you need? Was saving your lightweight ass last night and giving you a warm bed to sleep in not enough?”

“Let’s see here….I’m gonna need some water, a new toothbrush, probably a change of clothes, a clean towel so I can take a shower, some medicine for this crazy headache, maybe some breakfast, and—“

“Would you like some extra pillows for your stay? And maybe a heated blanket ?”

“ Shut up.” Satoru snaps back playfully. “I’m obviously kidding, but a way to clean up the mess I made would be nice. And maybe my phone, so I can figure out where the hell I’m at?”

“My house ,” Naoyo remarks like a smart ass. 

“Well, no shit.” Satoru laughs. “I mean, like— what ward are we in?” 

“Shinjuku.”

“Alright, so not too far away, then. Have you seen my phone?”

“I put it to charge when we got in last night. It died shortly after, and um, Suguru kept calling. I didn’t wanna answer. It’s uh— not my mess to clean up.”

“Geeze, Naoya. You could have offered to clean up at least one of these messes…”

“Dude, I should slap you.” Naoya says half-jokingly and leaves the room to retrieve items to clean up the vomit that’s still on the floor.

Satoru figures that he’ll fill him in on the events of the night, surely filled with stories of him getting too drunk and probably passing out at some point. Hopefully, he didn’t do anything that he can’t take back or say anything that he can’t take back. He has bits and pieces of the night before it all faded into complete darkness, and the pieces he does remember make him sick. He remembers why he left his apartment last night in the first place, he remembers Suguru on the phone with Saki as she was talking about wanting to pick up where they left off, he remembers jumping up off of the couch before he could even process what was happening, he remembers storming out of a place he hardly recognized anymore— a place that was supposed to be his home, and he remembers his feet carrying him to places where he forgot how he even ended up in them in the first place. Satoru shudders at the memories, wanting to purge them from his mind like the churning liquid in his stomach wants to purge itself from his body. 

Satoru doesn’t know why, but he really wants to be next to Suguru right now. Or maybe he does know why, but he knows that it wouldn’t feel the way he’s imagining it would. Maybe a month ago, it would have felt like a breath of fresh air, like a moment of instant relief from the chaos of his life. But now, it’s all different, unrecognizable, and seemingly distant. It would never be like the way it was only a month ago. If time machines were real, and he could step into one, he would rewind it to the day that Suguru met Saki and would convince him to study at home with him instead. He would convince him that he wouldn’t be distracted by people he hasn’t met if he was at home, that Satoru wouldn’t yap his ear off instead of studying like he usually does, that they could take turns testing each other on the material and make fun of each other when they were blatantly wrong, and when they grew too hungry or too bored or too tired, they could order in their favorite food and settle for a movie instead—just the two of them. He would convince Suguru that he’s going to pass all of his exams with flying colors despite his doubt, that he doesn’t need to be afraid that he’s not enough for this world because he’s already more than enough for Satoru, that he’s more than capable of succeeding with the knowledge he has, that he doesn’t need to bleed himself dry trying to regurgitate his notes that he’s already feverishly studied, and that he doesn’t need to feel pressured by his parents anymore because he’s doing an amazing job by being himself and that’s more than they could ever ask for. He would tell him that he wouldn’t trade the depth of their companionship for the world. He’d convince him that if everything could stay the way it was, if it could all stay that way forever , that they would always be happy and they would never need anyone or anything else other than each other. And it would always be that way, forever . 

Satoru is convinced that he fucked up beyond repair, that he spoiled his chance by letting Suguru head to the library that day, that he didn’t fight hard enough to keep him by his side, and instead, watched him come home with a new sparkle glistening in his eyes like he found a pile of gold behind some hidden passage that he stumbled upon on his way home. A sparkle that had only appeared in his eyes after spending hours flirting with some girl instead of studying like he was supposed to. Things could have been different; things should have been different. But now Satoru is waking up in someone else’s house, in someone else’s bed, not even knowing how far away he is, after spending a whole night getting trashed in some bar, and it’s all because Suguru has a stupid girlfriend. She was the catalyst that started all of this, the spark that ignited the forest fire, the first bullet shot in a decade-long war that caused all that he and Suguru had built to collapse into a pile of dust, that made Satoru act out so badly that he drove himself to drink so he would forget when he never would have drank in the first place. 

Satoru can’t even believe that he was still telling Suguru goodnight a mere week and a half ago. It doesn’t feel real because of how distant that memory feels. He doesn’t think he can feel any sicker than he does right now, thinking about all that has transpired, but somehow, he manages to feel more sick. Unbeknownst to him, his face looks ghostly white, and his skin is becoming clammy with knees that are buckling like a baby deer learning to walk for the first time. Naoya returns with an entire roll of paper towels, disinfectant cleaning spray, and a steaming mop bucket that he immediately drops on the floor when he notices how faint Satoru appears. His careful feet avoid the throw-up that’s become like a decorative rug on the floor, like it's an Olympic sport, like he’d fall through the ground if so much as a pinky toe stepped in it.

“Hey, you need to sit . You don’t look good.” Naoya says as he helps guide him back onto the bed. 

Satoru’s face is still ghost white, his lips have completely lost their color, too, and Naoya helps place him into a recovery position, which is similar to a fetal position. His eyes slowly roll back in his head as he loses consciousness for a brief moment. Naoya leaves the room momentarily and returns with a damp washcloth. He folds it over twice so it’s a perfect rectangle that will fit on the back of Satoru’s neck, and he presses it against his skin. Satoru’s pulse is bounding, his skin still profusely sweating, and he attempts to sit himself up on week elbows. Naoya gently pushes him back down onto the bed.

“Don’t get up again. Just lie there for a while, okay ? I swear you’re never drinking again after this, Satoru.” 

Naoya lets out a sign and it sounds like disappointment, but it doesn’t stop Satoru from hearing him call him by his first name. Somehow, through his consciousness fading in and out, Satoru manages a small smile. Naoya notices it, but doesn’t say anything at first. It’s only when Satoru continues smiling that his face changes into a puzzled look. “ What ? What’s up with you?”

Satoru smiles a little wider and mumbles. “You called me by my first name….does that mean we’re friends now?”

“Well, I’d fucking hope . You think I’d do all this for you if I hated you? Maybe in an alternate universe, but not this one .”

“That’s good, then.” Satoru mumbles. “ You gonna tell me what happened now ?”

Naoya doesn’t hesitate any longer to fill him in on how he ended up here. Satoru listens as he tells him about how he showed up at the bar he works at, how he walked straight to the counter and asked for the strongest shit , how he kept asking for more shots and didn’t want to talk to him about anything until the pain felt less , how he asked him if he’d ever been in love before and told him that someone had a girlfriend now, and how he didn’t want him to call his friend Suguru so badly that he had a meltdown on the floor over it. Satoru sits up slowly and cautiously in bed, making sure he’s not feeling faint again.

“So basically, you’re telling me that I made a fool of myself ?” Satoru concludes, trying his best to paint a clearer picture of a night he hardly remembers.

“Well, no one else was around to see it, only me . So, there’s that.” Naoya says it so calm, in a manner so nonjudgmental, like there’s nothing in this world that could phase him. 

“Do you think I’m a fool?”

Naoya pauses for a moment like he’s seriously thinking about the question. “No,” he lets out before adding, “I just think you’re really in love. And hurting because of it. ”

Satoru nods his head because he knows there’s no purpose in hiding it. He wanted to get drunk for a reason, to drown out the pain and hurt he felt, especially because he doesn’t typically drink liquor to begin with and especially not by himself. He stays quiet for a moment before deciding to open up a bit.

“You wanna know something fucked ?”

“Hm?”

“I live with them—the person who has a girlfriend now, and well, she’s going to be at my house to torment me a whole lot more.” 

“Is that why you haven’t gone home yet?”

“Are you kicking me out?”

Naoya rolls his eyes and smirks. “If I was gonna kick you out, I would’ve done it already , you know.”

Satoru smiles and then lets out a sigh. “I’m not ready to face him– I mean, them.” He catches himself, but it’s too late because he already said it. Fuck. Naoya noticed the way he reacted to the slip-up, and he quickly addresses it. 

“I already knew it was Suguru before him slipped out, by the way. I didn’t know that you guys live together, though.”

“Wait, how’d you know it was Su–”

“The way you begged me not to call him when I was trying to. Oh , and when you mentioned that he has a girlfriend. You made it easy to put the two together.” 

Naoya turns his head toward the window and looks outside. The morning sun is out already, and its rays are seeping through the blinds in a horizontal pattern that’s displayed on the wooden floor. Satoru suddenly becomes really quiet, like any sound from his mouth would shatter carefully constructed glass around him. He stares blankly at his hands and starts biting his lip.

“Am I that obvious?”

“ Ehh . Only when you’re drunk.” Naoya pauses for a moment, then turns to look at him again. “Best not to get drunk around him. Or drunk ever again , in general.”

He shoots Satoru a look that makes him smile, makes him tuck his head down almost like he’s ashamed, except it’s a look that’s more playful than anything else. Satoru’s smile slowly fades away the longer he remains quiet, unsure of what to say next. Naoya breaks the silence, sensing his agony over the pain inflicted on him by Suguru. 

“So what are you going to do now? You’re going to have to face him, you know . You can’t avoid him forever.”

Naoya was right. He couldn’t avoid Suguru forever. It was bad enough that he had a million missed calls from him, it was bad enough that he was probably up all night long worrying about where the hell Satoru was, it was bad enough that it probably ruined his whole night and his whole morning thus far. Satoru lets out a heavy sigh and looks up at the ceiling. What he should do is call him as soon as humanly possible and explain what’s been happening to him, explain how hurt and sick he’s been feeling over this, explain how he couldn’t stand what he heard when he was talking to her on the phone, and explain how he can’t handle any of this while sober. It’s all becoming too much. Satoru wasn’t lying when he told his friends that everything was a lot to take in. It was a lot to take in and still is a lot. He knows that every time Suguru reaches a new milestone in his relationship, or reaches a new base in his relationship, or reaches a new threshold in his relationship, that it’s going to destroy Satoru over and over again.

“I don’t know. It hurts . It fucking hurts so bad.” Despite every fiber in his being telling him that he can , Satoru can’t cry, not here, not right now . Even though he feels safe in Naoya’s presence, like he’s the only person who knows about his deepest and most cherished secret, he can’t display that kind of vulnerability to him. Not yet. His eyes fight to hold back the floodgates that so desperately want to be released.

“I can tell. I can see it in your eyes.” Naoya lets out a breath. “Look, if Suguru can’t see how great a person he had with him this whole time, then it’s his loss . You’re gonna be okay, Satoru. If he won’t be your friend, well, it’s a good thing you have me now .”

Satoru looks up to meet his eyes and realizes that Naoya’s eyes are already looking into him, like they’re peering into his soul and discovering the secrets that lie within him. It’s like he can read every line of hurt, every sentence that he’s ever written about Suguru, every letter that’s hidden up in his closet begging to be discovered. He never realized how nice it’d feel to have someone look at him and see what he’s spent so long carefully hiding inside of him.

“Thanks, Naoya. Really . It means a lot, especially coming from someone I wasn’t friends with before today.” The thought of it all makes Satoru laugh. What a strange turn of events, what a strange week this has been, what a strange month this has been, what a strange life this has turned into–one that he wouldn’t ever recognize if he were shown a glimpse of it a few months back. “I don’t think the problem is that he doesn’t want to be my friend. I think it’s that he only wants to be my friend.”

“Do you actually know that, though? I mean, I saw how close you guys looked, and I was only in one class with you. And he always seemed very touchy with you.”

“Are you saying that you think he could have feelings for me?”

“I can’t guarantee anything, but considering the number of times he called you last night, I mean, who does that? ”

“Well, uh, Suguru and I do it.”

“Exactly my point. Where was his girlfriend when he was dialing your number nonstop? Surely , it would’ve bothered her, and he would’ve stopped.”  

Satoru thinks about his words, thinks about how maybe he has a point, maybe she never came over last night. But maybe it’s only because Satoru raced out of there. Maybe that’s the only reason. 

“Chin up, Satoru. They won’t last .” Naoya says with certainty. Satoru can see the confidence in his words. He smiles at the thought of them breaking up. He pictures Suguru telling her off, telling her that he never actually liked her, never wanted to kiss her, never even wanted to date her in the first place. That he only felt pressured because his family is always asking him about when he’s going to meet someone nice that he can build a life with. His smile disappears when he’s reminded of his reality.

“What makes you think that?”

“Like I said, I think he does have feelings for you. And I don’t think he will allow himself to get closer to her because of that.”

“So, you don’t think they’ll ever, uh, sleep together?”

“I don’t know him, but if I had to guess based on what I do know, then I don’t think he will.”

The thought of the two of them having sex, especially under the same roof that Satoru sleeps under, makes his stomach churn. It sucks all that is sweet inside of him into it like a black hole until it’s all turned into disgusting, rotten bitterness. Satoru lets out a sigh that relieves only a tiny bit of the pressure he’s feeling in his twisted stomach. 

“Dude . I can’t handle all of this, honestly . She needs to fucking go.” He’s feeling like he wants to vomit again, but can’t decide whether it’s related to the hangover or the pent up anxiety that he’s fighting to keep stuffed down inside of him.

“The way you say it makes it sound like you’re planning her murder.” Naoya says half-seriously.

“ Yeah, totally. Tempting as that sounds, all I need is for him to dump her. Or her to dump him…” He rests his hand on his chin like he’s trying to figure it all out, like he’s trying to connect the dots to make this happen. He sits in silence for a moment, his mind taking him to places where Suguru and Saki are no longer a couple. What would that even look like? He imagines it would look the way it did before she entered his life, but knows it isn’t realistic to erase her from existence like she meant nothing to him. He hopes she doesn’t mean much to him but is doubtful. If that was true, they wouldn’t still be together and Satoru wouldn’t be in the position he’s currently in. His thoughts are interrupted by Naoya’s voice.

“Need an accomplice?” 

Satoru laughs at his words, a laugh that felt so good, so real, so pure. Naoya as his accomplice. His partner in crime. His right hand. He thinks it’s comical. He also thinks it’s unrealistic.

“Hah, you mean you’d be willing to help me break them up?” Satoru replies playfully.

“ Duh , otherwise I wouldn’t offer.” Naoya says in a serious tone, indicating that this is not a joke.

“Wait, you’re being serious about this?”

“Yeah, I mean, I’m pretty popular with women and I’ve been through my fair share of breakups. A lot of shit can go wrong, really fast.”

“Like what? Make her food she doesn’t like or forget to give her a back massage when she asks for one?”

“You’re kidding, right?” Naoya shoots him a look of disbelief. 

“Well, I dunno. The saying goes happy wife, happy life or something, right?” Satoru shrugs his shoulders while he says it and waits to see if he got the answer correct.

“Is that what you think? Have you not had a girlfriend before?” Naoya wants to laugh but he knows it’s the wrong place and the wrong time, so he holds it in as much as he can. It’s an insane thought to picture someone as attractive as Satoru never having a girlfriend before.

“I— I, uh, actually haven’t.” Satoru admits, and it hurts more to admit it out loud. It reminds him of opportunities missed, opportunities he didn’t bother to look for, opportunities he didn’t care to entertain at the time. But now, maybe it would have been different. Maybe he would have been open to the idea of it back then if he only knew what he knows now.

“Saving yourself for Suguru?”

Naoya was half-joking, but Satoru wasn’t. I've always wanted it to be him. Wanted. The realization pains him, knowing that his thoughts and feelings are slowly transforming into past tense. It makes him sick thinking of finding someone else, someone who’s not Suguru, but it’s becoming harder to picture a realistic future with him. With Saki still around, that is.

“ Was. I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore.” Satoru’s face grows more serious, more lost, more empty like he doesn’t know what his next move is going to be.

“Wow, I’m surprised. You’ve got quite the face card on you.”

The corners of Satoru’s lips gently curve upward at the compliment. For Naoya admitting he didn’t “roll that way” earlier, this was a nice compliment to receive, one that filled Satoru’s pride and confidence. His cheeks are glowing a little as the compliment settles into his soul and sense of self. 

“Thanks, I—uh, I never said I didn’t get attention from other people. I’m no stranger to eyes staring at me or admiring me for my looks. I–I couldn’t ever bring myself to act on anything or entertain it, though.”

“I see. Well, I’m talking about serious shit that can go wrong, not minuscule shit like food or a lack of back massages. Like having different values, poor communication, toxic shit. Like cheating.”

It’s in the moment that Naoya says the word cheating aloud that a key deep within Satoru’s brain unlocks and reveals what has been hidden inside this whole time. Like a light bulb that illuminates the darkest recesses of his mind, like a plug fitting perfectly into an outlet, like the seatbelt that clicked into the buckle when Naoya took him home last night, but he was too out of it to remember. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal, the ultimate screw you to a partner you promised to never turn your back on, the ultimate selfish act with complete disregard for a partner's feelings. But they barely started dating, so how would that even work?

“Dude, she’s studying to be a doctor. She’s, uh , composed, modest, put together. And she doesn’t seem like the type who’d cheat. I doubt that would even work.”

“ Never say never, Satoru. Every person has their breaking point.”

Even Suguru? He quickly shakes the thought away and pictures Saki. He can’t imagine her abandoning a seemingly perfect, brand-new relationship with Suguru. The relationship that memorizes the shape and feeling of lips and eyes and faces and bodies and touches. Touches that Satoru will never know. He can’t imagine her wanting to give someone like him up, someone so special and so incredibly handsome, especially this early into it. Satoru knows he has the power of his face card, and knows that he can probably pull any woman he wanted to if he went for it. But Satoru doesn’t want to seduce her. That feels wrong, feels scummy, feels like betrayal to Suguru. She’d have to cheat on him of her own accord, and the odds of that happening were slim to none. Before Satoru can completely dismiss this ridiculous thought, Naoya interrupts him.

“Is she cute, or at least breedable? I bet I could fuck her before he even gets the opportunity to.”

Satoru’s face lights up, and he doesn’t know why he’s doing it, why every thread in his body that holds him together is unraveling and gravitating toward this new idea. It’s fucking brilliant. 

“Are you… being serious right now?” Satoru’s expression does not falter, does not crack, does not show a glimpse of what he’s feeling underneath the mask. 

“Uhh, I mean, I was just throwing it out there.”

“Would you actually do that for me?”

For me. Ugh. I’m a selfish bastard, aren’t I? Satoru kicks himself as he replays what he said aloud. He didn’t mean for it to come out that way. It makes him sound like a damn selfish bastard, like a desperate idiot, like an unwanted piece of trash that was left out all night to rot and waste away and be picked at by scavengers. He shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t even have egged on the idea of entertaining it in any form, but his heart tugged him forward and led him to places where he didn’t want to be. 

“As long as she’s cute, yeah . It’s been a while since I’ve gotten properly laid anyway, and it’d be like a challenge. I bet I could make her crack.” Naoya appears to be lost in thought, like this is an idea he’s actively considering to pursue. Satoru doesn’t hesitate, he doesn’t want to squander the opportunity.

“If you’re being dead serious, I’d love you forever for it.”

“Kinda shitty for me to say this, but I’ve done this before, so uh, it’d be no big deal.”

Satoru’s amused now, part of him in disbelief and the other part of him amazed that Naoya could do such a thing.

“What, purposely sabotaged someone else’s relationship?”

“Not purposely, per say. Let’s just say when girls flirt with me, seeing a ring on their finger doesn’t stop me. If I see a pretty face with pretty lips, I’m not saying no when she asks to suck me off.”

It’s perfect. Satoru can’t help but feel like this will solve his problem permanently. Sure, it’ll break Suguru’s heart, and the fallout from that would be awful, but Satoru can be there to save the day. He can be there to catch him as he falls, to hold him as he cries, to listen to him as he vents. It’s fucking perfect. 

He can’t help but feel guilty because he knows that it’s wrong, it’s dishonest, and it’s a purely shitty thing to do. The part of Satoru that clings to normalcy wants this. He wants it more than anything. He wants a time machine to be a real invention, so he can step into it and turn back time, and Naoya playing the part of stealing his girl away from him will result in the same outcome, right? Things will go back to the way they were between them, when Suguru and Satoru both ate dinner together every night,  when they both stayed up way too late laughing until their ribs were sore, when they both still cared about each other enough not to bring a girlfriend into the picture. Satoru yearns for his relationship with Suguru to return to those days where the sun shined brightly and every day felt possible to make it through sober. And Naoya is the key. Unfortunately, he knows that will pin him as the bad guy, it’ll make a friendship with Suguru impossible, and if he ever finds out Satoru had a part in this or knew about this, then it’s over for everyone . But Satoru doesn’t want to think about that right now. 

“She is really pretty, so if you think you can do it, I’d love to introduce her to you.”

“I’m sure you would. It’ll be like an ego boost for me—to see if I’m still as smooth as I think I am.”

Satoru nods and then lets out a sigh. He sits up in bed now that he’s feeling better.

“Let me clean up my mess, first. It’s been there long enough.”

“ Which mess? Your exploded guts lying on my floor, or your phone that’s probably still blowing up in my living room?”

“My puke, duh .”

Satoru carefully gets up from the bed and starts working on cleaning up the mess. He’ll have to deal with Suguru regardless, and he figures he already waited all night long, so he takes his time cleaning. Suguru will have to learn to wait, learn that he’s no longer Satoru’s number one priority, learn that he has a new friend in his life now, learn how it feels to be replaced by someone else. 

After a while of procrastination, it’s finally time for Satoru to face the swarm of notifications on his phone. He heads into Naoya’s living room, where he’s already seated at the kitchen table with a bowl of cereal. He looks up at Satoru and points to the counter where his phone is resting on a charger. He picks up his phone and sees 25 missed calls and 12 new text messages on his lock screen. Most of them are from Suguru, which is not surprising, but Shoko called twice last night, too. He opens her message first, delaying the inevitable for as long as possible.

[11:55 PM]Shoko: hey, are you alive? call me when you see this, kay? we’re worried about you.

He hovers his thumbs over the thread of messages with Suguru and hesitates. He lets out a deep sigh, knowing it’s going to show a read receipt the second he opens it, which will mean having to finally face this. He taps his thumb onto the thread before the hesitation forces him to change his mind. Satoru lays his eyes on pretty much what he expected to see.

[7:41 PM] Suguru: Satoru, where’d you go?

[8:05 PM] Suguru: what happened?? Is everything ok?

[8:37 PM] Suguru: hey, please answer or call me back when you see this. 

[9:25 PM] Suguru: are you ignoring me on purpose?

[10:58 PM] Suguru: did I do something? 

[11:22 PM] Suguru: please answer, Satoru 

[11:26 PM] Suguru: I’m worried, I haven’t heard from you

[11:53 PM] Suguru: are you coming home tonight?

[12:42 AM] Suguru: Satoru please, I don’t know what happened but can you at least talk to me??

[02:11 AM] Suguru: goodnight Satoru. I hope wherever you are, that you’re ok. If it was something I did, I’m sorry 

[07:05 AM] Suguru: good morning. I’ll leave you alone but I need to know at what point I should report you missing?

Satoru lets out a deep breath. He decides it’s time to break the silence. He figures he put Suguru through enough suffering by ignoring him for so long. He isn’t sure what exactly he’s going to tell him when he gets home, but he’ll at least let him know he’s alive so he doesn’t make a police report. Satoru types out a message and hits ‘send’.

[08:37 AM] me: not missing, i’m alive. i’ll be home to explain in a bit.

He starts kicking himself for that last part of that message. Why did he say he’d explain when he knew he really wouldn’t be able to properly explain? Why would I say that to him? Satoru knows how it looks, knows how shitty of a person he looks, and knows he better have a damn good excuse as to why he went full no-contact for over 12 hours. He should have let Suguru know where he was at some point in the night, but he didn’t want him to come rescue him. That would’ve required Satoru to tell the truth about why he went out drinking in the first place. He knows that he can’t give him the full truth because that would be too raw, too open, too vulnerable . He’s not ready to talk about it yet, and he might not ever be ready, especially if Naoya is going to attempt to sleep with his girlfriend. Attempt to sleep with her. Am I crazy for wanting him to?  

The thought of this morning’s scheme makes Satoru sick if he thinks too hard about it. He knows how messed up and wrong it is to tempt Saki to cheat on him, he knows he really shouldn’t have encouraged Naoya to pursue the idea, and he knows how selfish it is to want their relationship to fail. It’s a sad, desperate attempt, but one that is highly enticing. He knows how desperate he is for her to disappear from Suguru’s life, even if that means breaking his heart, even if that means he’s a horrible person at his core. Satoru tries to justify his feelings and convince himself that it will be okay. It’ll all be okay. I’ll be there for him at the end of it all. He’ll be okay, I know he will be. Satoru’s phone vibrates and interrupts his train of thought. It’s Suguru calling, again . He’s not ready to answer, not ready to hear his voice, not ready to be confronted without a plan in place, so he lets it go to voicemail. 

“Naoya, do you mind giving me a ride home now?”

“Not at all.”

—------------------------

Suguru doesn’t understand why Satoru left last night. Maybe there’s a small part of him that understands, or at least hopes that he understands. Maybe it’s the realization that his girlfriend is going to be present in his life more, present in their lives more, present in their home more. It bothers him that Satoru hasn’t said anything out loud yet and hasn’t even written him a letter. It’s not typical for him since he always writes his feelings out and most of the time shares them with Suguru. He can tell there’s some unseen piece of the puzzle that is eating away at him, and Suguru is almost certain that it’s Saki, or at the very least Saki-related, but Satoru hasn’t said a word about any of it. 

He kissed Saki for the first time yesterday, and the moment he did it, he regretted it. It didn’t taste sweet in the way he pictured it would, like it would have with Satoru. In fact, he had to imagine that it was Satoru to get through the moment. His face haunted him like it was trying to guilt him for being intimate with someone else, because for the longest time, Suguru had thought his next kiss would be with Satoru. To make matters even worse, he couldn’t stop the guilt from eating away at him. It made him feel like he was cheating on him, like he had found another lover, like he was leaving him behind for good. Suguru could feel the shift in the air between them, like the moment you adjust the thermostat and turn the heat on when you realize it’s gotten colder outside. He knew his relationship with him would be different with a girlfriend in his life. He didn’t realize exactly how different, though. He missed Satoru, missed him even more than he thought he would, and spending more time with Saki only amplified that feeling. He didn’t see him in the common areas of their apartment anymore, didn’t see him in the kitchen for dinner time anymore, didn’t hear footsteps outside his door at midnight paired with a soft voice that told him goodnight anymore. In fact, Suguru can’t remember the last time Satoru came to tell him goodnight-–that’s how long it had been. He didn’t realize how much he would miss his presence until it was no longer there. There were no more special mornings together, half-asleep gazes at each other, late-night conversations, and intimate moments on the couch when they watched a movie together. He really missed Satoru.

The last image Suguru has in his head of Satoru is when he stormed out last night. He was too busy cooking and distracted on the phone with Saki that he didn’t remember at what point Satoru’s demeanor changed. If he were paying more attention to him, if he could remember in detail whatever it was he was talking about earlier before his girlfriend called him, maybe he would’ve had clues as to where Satoru went and why. Almost immediately, he tried calling him to find out where he was going. It was unlike him to up and leave without saying a word, especially with such determination and force. Suguru thought about chasing after him, should have chased after him, but Saki kept pushing for more. More information, more attention, more of Suguru’s thoughts and words and essence. 

Are you busy? Did you hear what I said? Suuuguuu– you okay? Can I come see you now?

It was almost too much for him to handle. He ended up cutting their conversation short so he could turn his full attention to finding out what happened with Satoru. After politely turning Saki down and promising he’d see her the next day, his full focus shifted to Satoru. He called him like a madman, each unanswered phone call creating a gnawing feeling inside his stomach that grew stronger and more sickening each time he heard Satoru’s voicemail message. It had tricked him a few times, hearing his voice say “ Hey !” followed by a long pause and again, “ I can’t answer my phone for whatever reason so leave me a message, or not. I don’t care .” Despite the growing pit in his stomach, Suguru held on to hope. Well, it’s ringing all the way through, so he’s not ignoring me. Maybe he doesn’t feel his phone vibrating? Suguru tried to make excuses for every single call that went unanswered. He thought about leaving a voicemail at one point, but figured all of the phone calls and texts were enough. If Satoru wasn’t answering his calls, there was a reason for it, and if he wasn’t replying to his messages, there was a reason for it. He decided that this was definitely on purpose. But part of Suguru was afraid that something bad had happened to him, that maybe he was behaving recklessly, that maybe he hurt himself somehow. That worry he felt didn’t stop, and after hours of not hearing anything from him at all, he decided to call Shoko. The phone only rang a few times before she picked up. 

“Hi Suguru, everything okay?” It was past 11 pm, so she had wondered why he was calling so late. Nonetheless, he was thankful she answered so quickly – unlike Satoru, who was leaving him dangling from a cliff.

“Hey, Shoko.” He started quietly. He had just laid down in bed in an attempt to settle in for the night.

“Everything okay? It’s late.” Shoko yawned on the other end of the line, and he knew she was probably already in bed.

“I’m worried about Satoru. He left a few hours ago without saying anything and I have no idea where he went. I can’t get a hold of him.”

Shoko paused for a moment before responding.

“I’m assuming you’ve already tried his phone a million times?”

“Yeah, I did and haven’t heard back.”

“I’ll try calling him and see what’s up. Is he mad at you?”

Suguru let out a heavy sigh. “I have no idea. I didn’t even say anything to him, so I can’t imagine him being angry with me, unless I said or did something I wasn’t aware of.”

“Hmmm. That’s so strange. Where do you think he could have gone?” Shoko tried to be helpful and think about this, despite being on the verge of falling asleep.

“I don’t know, and that’s what worries me. He hasn’t been talking to me as much lately. I think he might be depressed.” Suguru admitted.

“Do you think he would— hurt himself?” Shoko said the second half of the sentence a little quieter than the first, as if Satoru could hear it from wherever he was.

“It’s a possibility. I’m—I’m sorry, Shoko, that’s hard to think about. I just wish he’d stop being so stubborn if he’s choosing to ignore me. It’s not fair.” Suguru sighed again as he pulled his covers up over his body. His bed felt colder tonight than it usually did.

“I’m sorry, Suguru….Well, maybe he decided to go out on his own? Like clubbing or out with a friend? I’m sure he’s okay and will come back soon.”

“Satoru in a club by himself? Can you picture that?” He felt his body start to shake ever so slightly at the thought, and realized that the cold feeling might not be related to his bed.

“No, I was only throwing it out there. Anything’s possible, right? I’m sure whatever it is, he has an explanation for it. Try not to worry, okay?”

“I suppose. Thanks, I’ll try not to drive myself crazy with worry.”

“That’s the spirit. By the way, how are things with Saki?”

“They’re fine, I guess. It’s a little weird having a girlfriend around. She’s a bit clingier than I expected.”

“Oh? Is that a bad thing? I take it you don’t like clingy, even though Satoru is the clingiest person I’ve ever met.”

Suguru stayed silent for a moment longer than he usually would have. Shoko was right. Satoru is clingy, and it doesn’t ever seem to bother him for some reason. He felt the innate urge to defend him regardless, even if he was angry with him and ignoring him for some unknown reason.

“Satoru is a different kind of clingy. One that I can tolerate. Saki is on a different level, but I’m sure once we pass the honeymoon stage, I’ll miss her clinginess.” He said it like he was convincing himself of it.

“Well, I’m happy for you. As long as you’re happy, then that’s all that matters.”

“Thanks, Shoko. I appreciate that.” 

Suguru doesn’t feel like he means that, though, so it feels bitter coming out of his mouth. He doesn’t truly believe he’s happy. How could he be happy when he pictures Satoru during their first kiss? How can he be happy when, instead of hanging out with his girlfriend right now, he’s worrying himself sick over someone else? It begins to anger him because it took his whole evening away and replaced it with nausea. He could have been with Saki right now, could have been holding her in his arms, could have been learning even more about this new person that he chose to be with. Whatever Satoru is doing must be incredibly selfish or reckless because the lack of response is telling. Suguru can’t help but feel guilty because if something bad happened to him, he’d regret every single bit of anger he feels stuffed down inside him. Instead of sleeping right away, Suguru stays up late in case Satoru calls because what if he needs me and I’m not there for him? He turns the volume on his phone to maximum so he can hear it even in his sleep. He feels bad that he had to make an excuse so Saki wouldn’t come over, but that’s okay because he’ll make up for it in the morning. Maybe Satoru will be home soon, and they can talk all about whatever it is that happened and wherever it was that he went, and in the morning, he can take Saki out  for breakfast somewhere nice. Everything in the world would be balanced again. It sounds perfect, except Satoru doesn’t come home. He doesn’t even call back or send a message back. Suguru checks constantly for any sign of read receipts, but is left feeling empty after every single disappointing check. At some point, Satoru’s phone goes straight to voicemail— his phone must be dead. Great. He sends one final text to him before knocking out, a message that says “goodnight” because even though Satoru was no longer telling him that, Suguru wasn’t ready for that routine to die. Their relationship was already slowly declining, slowly dying, slowly changing, and he could feel it. He knew Satoru could feel it too, and maybe, that’s the reason why he left in the first place. It makes Suguru feel incredibly guilty, even more guilty than he already feels, but he stuffs it back down. He can’t allow himself to continue this cycle when he has already made his decision. He can’t have both. He cannot pursue Saki while also wanting to hold onto the idea that he and Satoru will be together one day. He cannot continue worrying about Satoru before anyone else, while he has a girlfriend whom he wants to build a future with. Suguru lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes, a single tear falling from each of his eyes. Goodnight Satoru. Please be okay, wherever you are.

Suguru does not sleep well. He tosses and turns and checks his phone constantly, even though there’s nothing to see. There are no new notifications, there are no ringtones at night, and there are no indicators that anyone has made attempts to contact him. He doesn’t know why he continues to put himself through this agony. He knows deep down he must love Satoru, but fuck, this hurts like hell. The morning sun shines through his window, illuminating his room slowly with an orange glow. He hears the sound of cars passing by outside and hopes that Satoru is delivered home safely in one of those cars. He waits and waits, as the sun shines brighter into his room, and finally decides to get out of bed. It’s early, but he knows he cannot sleep properly until he has an answer. Where the hell is he? Suguru doesn’t know whether to feel angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed, worried, sad, heartbroken, or annoyed. He has no idea, but accepts that a mixture of all of the above makes sense. He sends Satoru another message, wondering if he should curse him out or report him missing as soon as possible. He looks at his digital clock on his desk and sees 7:07 AM. 

At this point, Suguru knows what he should do. He should really quit worrying because this is a case of blatant and deliberate ignoring at this point. He decides that there’s no way this isn’t intentional, that this isn’t on purpose. Suguru just wants to know why. Why? What did I do to him? Suguru should go back to sleep, even if he can’t, he should try, and he knows that. So why is he opening Satoru’s bedroom door and checking to see if he’s sleeping soundly in his bed? Only the contents of Suguru’s heart know.

Satoru’s bed is empty, sheets rumpled and pillows flipped every which way. He can almost picture the outline of where his body would have been if he were lying in it. He glances over to his desk and sees the scattered philosophy notes on it. They don’t look organized, they look somewhat chaotic, almost like he was using them to cover up the contents hiding underneath instead of using them to study. Classes had been over for weeks now and wouldn’t start up again for another 6 weeks. Suguru assumes he has been using them for inspiration to write, but it doesn’t look like he’s written anything—unless it’s hiding somewhere. He feels like he’s already violating his space more than he should be, so he decides to leave his room. I shouldn’t even be here. He gently closes the door like it’d shatter if it made a sound. 

Suguru heads toward the living room and finds himself sitting at the kitchen table. He props his elbow on the table and lets out a heavy sigh, then rests his face in his hands. He softly closes his eyes and remembers to breathe. Satoru should be home any minute, so he sits here and waits until he hears the door open. He sits for what feels like forever and checks the time again. It’s only 7:47 AM, so maybe Satoru won’t be home this early. He decides to move to the couch, where he’ll be more comfortable. He plops his body down and lies on his side, staring directly at the door. Surely, he’ll hear the door opening if he decides to doze off. He checks his phone one more time before dozing off, and there’s nothing new to see. It’s now 7:49 AM, and his wallpaper that Saki recently set stared back at him. Saki is too pretty, too beautiful for her own good. Suguru knows this and adores her, but still can't truly appreciate her. He doesn’t know why he puts these roadblocks up for himself, but figures he can’t tell his heart not to love Satoru. He can’t tell his heart not to think of Satoru with every kiss. Maybe with time, the feeling will lessen, and he’ll be able to build a lasting relationship with Saki. Maybe, a big maybe.

His phone vibrates a little after 8:30 AM, but Suguru doesn’t stir. He’s fast asleep, completely knocked out on the couch, and it’s for the better. He would only be driving himself crazy if he were awake. The night proved to be exhausting, and he’s paying for it now. Surely, he’ll wake up from the sound of Satoru’s keys rattling once he makes it back home and opens the door.

—--------

Naoya pulls up to Satoru’s building and parks his car right in front. Satoru turns to him and meets his gaze.

“I want to say thank you for dealing with me all night. Seriously. You could’ve left me to my own devices, but you didn’t, so thanks.”

“No problem. Glad I could help out. It wasn’t all mad, and besides, I made a new friend out of it.”

“Yeah, I guess you did, huh?” Satoru smiles.

“And I’m still willing to help with that other thing we talked about.”

Oh yeah, Satoru almost forgot. How could he almost forget? 

“Thanks, man. I’ll let you know how everything goes with, uh, this . I have your number and I know where to find you.”

Naoya smiles at him as he opens the door and steps out of the car. He closes the door and looks at Naoya one more time before he drives away. 

“Hey, Satoru?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t hesitate if you need me for anything. Alright? I mean that.”

“I won’t. Thanks, Naoya!”

What a good guy. Naoya drives off, and Satoru lets out a sigh because it’s back to reality. He walks into the lobby and presses the button for the elevator. It seems like it takes an insanely long time, or maybe Satoru is so hyper-aware of his surroundings right now that it feels like his life is playing in slow motion. The elevator doors open, and he steps inside. He presses the button for the 4th floor, and the machine hums as it moves upward. When the doors open, Satoru knows he’s only steps away from his apartment. His legs move slowly, one by one, in front of him as he makes his way down the hallway and reaches the door. He puts a key into the door and slowly unlocks it. Before he can unlock it completely, the doorknob turns, and the door is pulled open by whoever is inside.

Suguru’s heavy-lidded, swollen eyes meet Satoru’s crystal blue ones. Without a second of hesitation, Suguru throws his arms around Satoru and pulls him against his chest, burying his head into his shoulder. Satoru tilts his head gently to lean against his.

“Satoru…. Please… . Don’t ever leave like that again.”

Satoru was no stranger to hugs from Suguru. They didn’t happen often, not as often as he wanted them to, and especially not anymore since Saki came into the picture. But this hug felt so special, so different, so intimate. It was a warm hug that melted the ice surrounding Satoru’s soul and made his body feel warm and tingly again. Feeling Suguru holding him completely, like he was the most precious human in the world, like finding a long-lost stuffed animal that you used to sleep with every night, was so much better than he could have imagined. The feeling was unreal. Can I let this be real for a moment? Can I imagine that he is mine and I am his, only for a moment? For a moment, the world feels right. It feels the way it’s supposed to, the way it’s destined to be, the way it always would have ended up regardless. He allows himself to soak it in, to feel his warm body pulse against his, to take in the scent of his hair, and almost instinctively wants to kiss his head. Before he becomes completely delusional, he decides it’s time to let go. Satoru pulls away first, afraid of allowing himself to feel any longer. He knows it will only hurt worse if he stays and leans into it because it’s not real. And pretending it is real is only going to make the cut even deeper and more painful than it already is. 

“I’m sorry.” Those are the only words Satoru can think of. He still doesn’t know what excuse he’s going to use.  

“Are you going to tell me what the hell happened to you? You reek like alcohol, too. Did— did someone take advantage of you?”

“No, no… nothing like that . I— uh…” He hesitates, but Suguru continues on.

“Come. We’re gonna talk. Now. ”

“Dude, I just got home. Can you give me a minute? I need to shower and stuff.” Satoru whines like a teenager. He’s not feeling up for maturity right now. 

Suguru grabs his hand and pulls him toward the living room. Satoru’s hand tingles with the sudden contact, like it’s never been touched or held before this moment. He wishes that he’d hold his hand forever and never let it go. He wants to melt into the sensation of his soft fingertips resting wrapped around his hand, but the illusion is quickly shattered when he remembers that those gentle fingertips are the same ones that touch Saki, the same ones that will be all over her body someday, and that day is getting clos—

“No, Satoru. We’re having this conversation now. No more running away from me.”

Satoru sighs, and his heart is pounding so loudly that he can hardly hear anything else. Suguru’s hand still feels so warm against his icy hand, and he follows him to the couch like a puppy dog who’s about to be scolded for biting someone. He wishes Suguru would lead him away, somewhere far away from this reality where it would be just the two of them alone and they’d never have to worry about anyone else ever again.

“Sit.” He commands as he releases Satoru’s hand. Suddenly, everything in his body feels freezing again and he lets out a sigh. He’s not in the mood for this and doesn’t think he’ll ever be in the mood for this. He plops down on the couch, legs spread wide open, and rests a single elbow on his knee. He rests his chin on his hand and gazes up at Suguru, who is now towering over him.

“Do you want me to lay down, or roll over next? Also, where’s my treat?”

“Satoru, I don’t have time for your smartass remarks. I was worried sick about you. I need to know what the hell happened to you?”

“If you want me to talk, you’re gonna have to take it down a notch. I feel like a child right now.”

“Do you know what you put me through? How awful I slept last night? How sick with worry I was? How I thought something awful had happened to you and that you were never coming back home?”

“I—I’m sorry…” He still can’t think of other words, only deflections and attempts to redirect the conversation.

“No, I don’t think you understand the weight of what you did.” Suguru is pacing now, and Satoru’s eyes follow him back and forth, losing all the words he was planning to use next. I still think Suguru’s so cute when he’s flustered. I should really pay attention to him, though.  

“I spent all night imagining you lying in a ditch somewhere. You never pull this kind of shit . Why ? Why now?” Suguru looks like he might pull his hair out to match the shit that Satoru pulled all night.

“Why do you even care ? You devote all your time to Saki now. It’s not like I even exist in your world anymore, anyway.” He says in an annoyed tone.

“How can you say that when I spent all evening and all night trying to call you nonstop? When I told her no and didn’t let her come over because I was too busy dealing with you—dealing with whatever this is?”

“Well, what is this to you?” Satoru waits.

Suguru lets out a heavy sigh and smacks his hand to his forehead, dragging it down his face. “You’re my best friend and my roommate, Satoru. I can’t lose you. I know things look a little different with Saki around mor—“

He doesn’t let him finish. “That’s it?”

“What?” Suguru looks dumbfounded, not understanding what’s happening here.

“That’s all I am? A ‘best friend’? A ‘roommate’?” Satoru waits again. Waits for an answer that might never come.

“You’re obviously more than that.“ Suguru says it so quietly, almost too quietly for Satoru to hear. If he didn’t know him well enough, he would’ve thought he was mumbling under his breath. 

“Okay, then tell me. What am I? What am I to you?” Third times a charm. Let this be Satoru’s lucky moment, the moments where he receives an answer. An answer that will change the trajectory of his life.

This is the part where Suguru should have confessed. The golden moment. The golden opportunity. Nail in the coffin for him and Saki, and a one-way ticket to escape to a brighter future with Satoru. This is the moment when he should have laid everything out in the open, and for some reason, for some damn reason , Satoru had waited for him to do it. He fully expected this to be the moment that Suguru came clean to him about how he feels about him. But that moment never arrived, and Satoru was only left to face what he already knew, to face the reality that is his life now. Reality doesn’t care about your feelings, it’s just there, plainly existing. It’s the truth, even if it’s cold and blunt and harsh. It doesn’t care if it hurts your feelings or makes you want to curl into a ball and die. It’s an entity that’s always present and suspended in air, plainly stated with no regard at all to feelings.

“I mean, y-you’re my best friend.” Suguru almost chokes getting those words out of him. It’s almost like Satoru knew that he wanted to say more, but that was all he could manage to blurt out. Either way, it was the wrong answer. It wasn’t what Satoru wanted to hear. He wanted more, he wanted a full-blown confession, he wanted to hear Suguru say that he would break up with Saki right here, right now if it meant having a chance at dating Satoru instead. But those words quickly died in Satoru’s head, and there was no time left to mourn them. The silence in the air between them is so heavy, so loud that it could shatter glass. Satoru promptly looks away, eyes cast downward, staring at his worn shoes that carried him through the front entrance of the bar last night. 

“Can we please talk about what happened now?”

Satoru doesn’t look up. He doesn’t even acknowledge that he heard Suguru. His thoughts drift somewhere else, somewhere far from here, somewhere where there are shot glasses that say ‘drink me’ like in Alice in Wonderland, and Satoru will fall into a rabbit hole that leads him far away from this pain he feels. If emotions could be killed, stabbed until they were bleeding out, slowly at first but then quickly, gone with a final flash of blood, then at this point, they were already ghosts latched onto Satoru and haunting him eternally. He feels cursed by Suguru, absolutely haunted by the words that he used to kill his ‘best friend’. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Satoru doesn’t move from where he’s sitting. He remains perfectly still, eyes downcast. 

“No, Satoru, you can’t pull that. Talk to me, please, so we can fix this.” Suguru walks up to him and places a careful hand underneath his chin. He gently tries to tilt his face upward so he’ll look at him again. Satoru grabs onto his wrist and pushes it away, the contact with his skin no longer giving him the warmth that it did earlier. Satoru feels freezing and not even Suguru’s touch can make him feel warmth.

“There’s nothing to fix.” Satoru snaps at him, and then snaps again. “And quit touching me.”

Suguru’s eyes are flickering up and down between Satoru’s mouth and his eyes, like he can’t believe the harsh words coming out of his mouth are paired with the same gentle eyes that have always looked at him so softly in the past. He struggles to salvage this, fights to remedy this, and works hard to save whatever remains of this failing conversation.

“There’s always a way it can be fixed.” 

Satoru shakes his head no, still not moving from where he’s seated, eyes still on his shoes. “Suguru, don’t you see? I’m fucking exhausted, okay? I had a long ass night…..I mean, I went out drinking, you smelled it on me the second I walk—“

“ Why ? Why did you drink?” Suguru pleads, desperate for an answer, desperate for anything at this point.

“Um, because I wanted to? Because I’m a grown adult? And you’re not my dad. I can make my own decisions.” Satoru feels a fire start inside of him, and it’s the first bit of warmth he feels. But it’s not the same warmth as Suguru’s hug or hands on his. He feels himself slowly becoming irritated. And Suguru doesn’t quit pushing.

“But tell me why. Why would you go out drinking by yourself? That’s not smart, Satoru. Something could have happened to you. Did you even think about the consequences before you made that decision?”

“I don’t need to be scolded like a child, Suguru. I can handle my own shit. And besides, it’s not like I was completely alone anyway. Naoya was looking out for me.” Before he could think, Satoru let it slip that someone else was there with him, someone in particular that he knew would get under Suguru’s skin. Ahh, well, whatever. This is all fucked anyways.

Suguru freezes, his eyes grow wider like he’d seen a ghost, maybe even the ghost of Satoru’s feelings floating in the air around him. “Naoya? As in, Naoya Zenin?”

“Yeah. He was working at the bar I went to. He’s a nice person, actually.” Suguru doesn’t change his expression. His calm demeanor paired with his wide eyes looks even more terrifying. Satoru knows that there’s deeper meaning brewing underneath them, but he can’t see what.

“Satoru, tell me , is it the same Naoya Zenin that was in our art class? The one we both can’t stand?”

“It is. I guess that’s why they say don’t judge a book by its cov—“ 

Suguru doesn’t let him finish and instead snaps back harshly. “Satoru, do you hear yourself? That guy is a total douchebag. You shouldn’t involve yourself with someone like him.”

Satoru can’t bring himself to say anything. He wants to lash out so badly, the fire inside of him has started to rage, but he knew it would soon be put out by the tears that he’s absorbing back down into his body. He feels overwhelmed, like it’s not fair for Suguru to have found someone else, but Satoru can’t even have so much as another friend. And he wasn’t lying. Satoru did enjoy Naoya’s company and the kindness he showed to him when he was at his lowest. It meant a lot to him, and the fact that Suguru was continuing to hurt him and any attempts he made to quell these awful feelings he’s had for the past month felt like a slap to the face.

“You managed to ignore me all night, get wasted in some random bar, and now you’re telling me you were hanging around Zenin? Satoru, we hate him.”

Suguru covers his face with his hands. A string wound up too tight almost snaps inside of Satoru. How could he hate the person who was there for him when he had no one else in this world that he could talk to about this with? Satoru looks up at him with narrowed eyes, even though he knows he can’t see it.

“Maybe you hate him, ‘cause I don’t. Not anymore, at least. If it weren’t for him, I probably would have been lying in a ditch somewhere.” 

Suguru removes his hands from his face and moves to sit on the same couch as Satoru. He looks right into his shimmering blue eyes, which look like waterfalls waiting to spill over the edge. “If you had picked up your damn phone, I would’ve come to pick you up. You know I would have.” 

“Maybe I didn’t want you to.” Satoru bites back as he jumps up from the couch, like it would burn him alive if Suguru’s thigh so much as brushes against his own. If he wasn’t already in the doghouse, he surely is now. He doesn’t care if he is or isn’t, though. He doesn’t want Suguru to see him cry. 

Suguru shakes his head at him in disbelief and then turns to stare blankly into his own hands, elbows seated perfectly on his knees. He’s giving off perfect body language that reads as disappointment. His voice softens and becomes sadder.

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this to yourself, Satoru.”

Satoru’s back is facing Suguru directly, and he doesn’t even turn to look at him. “You don’t need to understand, so stop trying to. There’s nothing to understand.”

Satoru starts walking away, finally, like he should have five minutes prior. He’s done with this conversation, mentally full, physically exhausted. If he’s being honest, he was done with it before it even started. He has that feeling in his throat that he can’t swallow down. The feeling like he’s going to burst into tears if he doesn’t quickly make his escape. His anger and his sour attitude are only a front he puts up to hide his overwhelming emotions. 

Suguru quickly rises to his feet, as if he’s going to follow him to the ends of the earth. “Wait! I’m not done talking to you yet.” 

“Well, I am. Can I please go take a shower now, since I have to ask for permission to do anything now?” Satoru calls out, already halfway down the hall.

Suguru rolls his eyes and doesn’t go after him, despite how badly he wants to follow him into the restroom and force him to keep having this conversation.

“Whatever, Satoru. You don’t even know how hurt I feel right now.” His voice falters ever so slightly, but Satoru hears it. It causes him to stop in his tracks, only for a moment. He then speaks in a tone that’s the saddest it’s been during this whole altercation.

“You act like you’re the only hurt one around here.” He lets Suguru feel those words for a moment, and then resumes moving toward the bathroom.

“Well, how am I supposed to know that when you won’t even talk to me?” Suguru sounds desperate, like he would give anything to hear more from Satoru.

“If I’m still your best friend like you say I am, you should’ve known that the second I said I went out drinking last night. You should’ve known right then.”

Satoru steps into the bathroom and starts to push the door to close it. Suguru starts taking steps down the hallway, slowly closing the distance between them. 

“ Please , Satoru. Come back here and talk to me. We can’t leave things like this.” Suguru begs a few feet away from the entrance to the bathroom, and for a moment, Satoru thinks about giving in. 

He thinks about it for a moment, long enough that Suguru believes it might’ve worked. The bathroom door is halfway shut, with Satoru’s hand still on the knob. If he were bold and without shame, he could pull him into the bathroom with him, press his body up against the wall, and push his tongue into his mouth, making out with him furiously-–allow all of the fire within him to channel into his mouth and his tongue, to become hot and heavy and desperate. He could trap him there and maybe Suguru wouldn’t resist, maybe he would give in to the tension and allow it to happen. 

Satoru really hates himself right now for even going there in his mind, knowing how distant it is from their current situation. After a long pause, he’s already made up his mind. Satoru sticks his head out of the door and looks right into Suguru’s eyes. His face is emotionless, his blue eyes that are usually sparkling have lost their glow, and he speaks in a tone that will haunt Suguru every day for the rest of his life. 

“There is no we. Just you and Saki. The sooner you figure that out, the better it’ll be for us both.”

Satoru shuts the door without slamming it, yet Suguru feels like the door slammed shut on him. The second he’s inside the bathroom alone, he buries his face in his hands. He feels his hands filling with tears that are spilling from his eyes. He can’t hold back the floodgates anymore. He starts running the water so Suguru can’t hear the sound of his sobs. The worst part is that Suguru can hear it, unbeknownst to Satoru, who believes he has him fooled, of course. He slowly takes off his hoodie and his t-shirt, followed by his pants and boxers, then takes the first step into the water. It’s slowly melting away the ice that surrounds his entire body, his entire being, heart, mind, soul, and all. He cries so softly that the running water from the shower seems to do a good job at hiding it. His tears escape down the drain with the drops from the shower head, and Satoru feels like he’s safe to let it all out, if only for a moment. 

When Satoru exits the bathroom, the first thing he notices is that the apartment is silent. Suguru’s bedroom door is closed, and Satoru figures he is in there, hiding away. He goes to his room to get dressed, and he does so quickly, throwing on a white t-shirt and a pair of black joggers. His damp strands of hair fall into his eyes, and he pushes them out of the way, pulls his chair out from the desk, sits down, and grabs a pen. He pulls a blank sheet of paper from the stack he keeps in the pull-out drawer of his desk and begins writing.

I found a happier place where I’d rather be. A happier place is no longer with you and me. When I was in my other happy place, the world felt right. Every day, every night. It was you and me. Just me and you. Now, when I go to that happy place, it no longer feels right. You tell me you care, but I see through your eyes, I see through your lies. My happy place no longer feels happy, so I found somewhere else to be. Someplace where I can forget and get lost in something other than you and me. So, I’m going to my happier place. And that’s where you’ll find me, in my happier place.

Satoru sets his pen down and lets out a breath. It feels like some weight fell off of him in that instant, like it’s a little easier to breathe now. He looks around his room and takes a mental inventory of his belongings. How hard would it be to pack my things and go? The thought saddens him. He doesn’t want to think about moving out, not when he was so happy to even have the chance to move in with Suguru. But none of this has gone as he had expected it to. He couldn’t have ever predicted that he would find a girlfriend, and she would enter his life like an unwanted animal, like a burden that he had to put up with. The idea of moving out brought him some peace, knowing that it would drive the wedge further between Suguru and him, which is what he needed. He craved space away from him because space was better than these difficult conversations and difficult feelings. Space was weightless, it was free, and it was right there. It would only require a single decision to move out and to let Suguru know. He would continue paying the lease, or at least pay his part off, because he didn’t want Suguru to struggle. It quickly became too much to think about. Maybe he’d revisit this thought another time. Maybe.  

There’s a faint knock on Satoru’s door, and he’s long since moved from his desk to his bed, his letter hidden away at the top of his closet and any evidence that he ever wrote anything erased. He was lazily lying down, mindlessly scrolling on his phone to distract himself when he heard it. Satoru doesn’t say anything.

“Hey, um , I’m heading out now, so I’ll see you later, okay?” Suguru says softly, the sound so quiet that it’s almost lost.

“ Do what you want . It doesn’t concern me.” Satoru says back quietly, almost too quietly, but Suguru hears it because he lets out a sigh. 

“Call me if you need me.” Suguru says as his footsteps fade away from the door. Satoru doesn’t bother responding. He already knows where he’s headed, so there’s no need to ask or to entertain anything else. He hears the front door squeak open and then promptly shut. Almost on queue, Satoru’s phone buzzes. He looks at the little notification bubble that appears at the top of his screen, and it’s a new message from Naoya. His thumb quickly taps it open.

[12:05 PM] Naoya: So how’d it go? Haven’t heard from you.

Satoru doesn’t hesitate to respond.

[12:06 PM] me: fucking horrible, but I also really suck at talking about my feelings

[12:07 PM] Naoya: I don’t think you do :p but maybe that’s only with me.

[12:07 PM] me: it’s 100% only with you

[12:08 PM] Naoya: wanna talk about it? 

[12:08 PM] me: not really

[12:10 PM] Naoya: well, let me know if you change your mind

Satoru reacted to his message with a thumbs up and set his phone down beside his pillow. The day is young, but he’s exhausted in every way. He was hoping that between showering and writing out his feelings that he would feel better. But he doesn’t, not really, anyway. He feels like an empty shell of who he used to be, of who he was when it was just him and Suguru. He imagines how things would look today if Saki had never booked that library study room that same fateful day. He imagines that he and Suguru would be lazy together, lying around on the couch or getting ready to go out and see the world. He imagines that they’d meet up with Shoko and go to a karaoke bar, or to see a movie at the theatre, or wander the streets of Shibuya together, or browse for hours inside the nearest Don Quixote. 

He imagines that he and Suguru’s hand would brush against each other’s like it had a few times in the past, or that Suguru’s arm would linger around his shoulder a little too long like it used to, or that Satoru would lean his head on Suguru’s shoulder and pretend he fell asleep during a movie so he could be closer to him. Suguru would never push him off or wake him up. He even felt his hand brush stray hairs out of his face before, almost like he knew Satoru was awake and he wanted to make sure he could see the movie. All of it makes Satoru’s stomach twist and turn. It’s too painful to think about how close he was to finally being his yet how far away he was. Now, he’s the furthest away he’s ever been, and it stings more than anything he’s ever felt before. Maybe it was always so far out of grasp that he’d never have been able to reach it even if he had tried harder. Maybe they would’ve been doomed from the start, even if it had developed into something more, so things are better this way. Maybe. Maybe, but not likely.

He thinks about what Naoya had said about sleeping with Saki before Suguru has a chance to. Would that really make Suguru fall in love with him, though? He knew it wouldn’t, yet some part of him still wanted it to happen so badly so he could see what would happen. To see if it would fix anything or make anything better. Would Suguru find a new girlfriend, and everything would lead itself back to the way things are now? Would Suguru swear off love forever and never allow himself to be vulnerable with anyone ever again? Would Suguru hate Satoru forever for bringing Naoya around in the first place? That seemed more likely. Suguru hates Naoya with a burning, fiery passion by the sound of it. He knew that Suguru didn’t like him. He always made smartass comments in class, sort of like the smartass comments that Satoru makes when he’s in one of his moods. Satoru used to find it obnoxious and agreed with Suguru, that is, until Suguru found a stupid girlfriend. Now, Naoya was no longer obnoxious but someone who listened. He was no longer an asshole but someone who cared. He was no longer a douchebag, but he was someone who would protect the life of someone else whom they knew nothing about. He would bring a drunken stranger into his home, charge his phone, give him a warm bed to sleep in, a free therapy session, and a ride back home. He wasn’t at all like what Suguru thought about him, and it bothered Satoru knowing that if Naoya did go through with the plan, Suguru would probably never forgive him for it. Sure, Satoru could accept him hating Naoya because why wouldn’t he hate the man who seduced his girlfriend? But he couldn’t accept Suguru hating Satoru and blaming it all on him.

He closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep.

—-----------------------

Satoru is woken up by a knock on his apartment door. Satoru thinks about ignoring it, but realizes he probably should answer in case it’s someone important. As soon as he opens the door, he’s greeted by Shoko. 

“Satoru! You’re home!? Since when!?” She shouts excitedly in a way that sounds more surprised than happy. Satoru gives her a weak smile.

“Did Suguru not tell you?” 

“No, I haven’t heard anything! Is he with his girlfriend again?”

“Mhm.” Satoru barely acknowledges her question, like saying her name or anything Saki-related would taint his tongue. So, he deflects. “So what’s up? I was asleep, sorry.”

“What do you mean what’s up? Where the heck were you last night?” Shoko doesn’t quit, just like Suguru, she continues to push.

“News travels fast around here, doesn’t it?” Satoru starts scratching his head, still not wanting to have this conversation. Shoko looks annoyed now. He knows she’s not amused.

“Didn’t you see my message?” 

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” He grins, trying to lighten up the mood.

“Urggh, I should hit you just for saying that!” She snaps.

“I went out. That’s it. Nothing to it.”

She sighs and he can hear the obvious disappointment within it. “So you went out, didn’t tell anyone, and ignored everyone?”

Satoru has no shame right now and how could he? Saki is probably all over Suguru all of the time now. What’s more humiliating than that? 

“Pretty much.”

She scoffs, seeing right through his nonchalance. “Why do I feel like you’re lying?”

“Shoko, look, I’m exhausted. Let’s not make this about me. Why’re you here?” Satoru sighs, quickly wanting to get to the meat and bones of this conversation so it will be over.

“Is it a crime to come check on my friends? I wanted to make sure Suguru was okay because I hadn’t heard anything…”

Satoru rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. “Well, he’s obviously fine since he’s not here.” Shoko notices, and again—just like Suguru—she pushes.

“Hey, Satoru… can we talk?” Her voice is more kind, more gentle. Softer.

“We’re talking now, aren’t we?”

“No, I mean, like, really talk.” She looks into his eyes, her expression serious.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but sure, I guess. If that makes you feel better.” He doesn’t crack. Not yet.

“Satoru… you haven’t been yourself lately. And I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed.”

“Okay, great. And?”

“Look, I’m trying to talk to you. Like, really talk to you, you know? You can tell me what’s going on.”

“Except I really can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I can’t talk to anyone , Shoko. And you’re no exception.”

Shoko sighs.

“Fiiiine. You don’t have to talk, alright? But will you listen to me, please?”

Satoru shrugs. 

“What I’m about to say stays between me and you. Me and you only.”

Satoru feels his chest tighten, and his breathing slows down. Why am I feeling so nervous all of a sudden?

“I think that…..you don’t like Saki.” She says it like she revealed a secret to the world, but Satoru is unimpressed.

“Are you surprised? That shouldn’t come as a shock. I think I make it pretty obvious.”

“Yeah, but that’s not what I’m getting at.” Shoko glared at him in a certain way, a way that his mom used to glare at him when she knew about what had already happened and was waiting for him to admit it. His breathing slows back down, and his eyes widen ever so slightly.

“I think it's because you’re in love with Suguru. And you always have been. And what you’ve been experiencing is– is jealousy . I’ve been around the two of you enough over the last few years, and I’m observant when it comes to these things.”

Satoru feels backed into a corner, and the only thing he can think to do is to deflect. He feels himself getting worked up over the sudden shift in the air between them. This feels like war, and Satoru has to fight to defend himself.

“No, that’s not tru—“

“Satoru, stop. Calm down. It’s alright, I already know and I’ve always known.” She puts a hand on his arm. It doesn’t melt the ice. He cocks his head and looks at her sideways. 

“Shoko, I don’t know what you’re talki—“

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, okay? Not with me. I can see right through you.”

Satoru could have continued denying and deflecting. Deny, deflect, redirect, repeat. But the moment she said, ‘You don’t have to pretend anymore, ’ he knew that she saw right through him, and it was over. Satoru wants to be angry, but all he feels is sadness. Now another person knows his most well-kept secret, and he doesn’t know how long it will be before Suguru figures it out, too, and he and Saki will laugh at him as they snuggle together on the same couch where he and Satoru have already made so many memories. It makes him so angry, it makes him see red, it makes him want to start flipping furniture over and destroying every piece of furniture he and Suguru built together when they first moved into their apartment. Satoru wants to leave, wants to escape from this difficult conversation that’s turned into more of an intervention, and he wants to see Naoya. More than anything right now, he wants to shoot Naoya a text saying I changed my mind, come pick me up ASAP. But none of that happens. Because Satoru sits there and stares at Shoko until his eyes water so much that they overflow. 

“Oh, Satoru. I am so, so, so sorry.” She moves close enough to him so she can wrap her arms around him and cradle him in her arms. Satoru doesn’t move, tears continue to run down his cheeks, and he can’t say anything. He’s speechless, and more than anything else, he’s hurting. 

“I can’t imagine how much this all must hurt. I’m really sorry. Please don’t do anything stupid, like hurt yourself over this. Please .”

She continues holding him, and he allows her to, because a nice warm hug from a friend feels good and feels like it’s exactly what he needs right now. It makes him feel better, makes him feel different than the numbness and coldness he’s felt for the past month. 

“ I don’t even want to live here anymore. ” Satoru whimpers, and Shoko feels his body shaking against hers. She continues to hold him close and allows him to cry as much as he needs to. Every so often, she helps wipe his falling tears and draws little circles on his back to soothe him. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Satoru. Shhh . It’ll all be okay.” She doesn’t let go of him. She stays right there with him, arms around him, barely tight enough so he feels secure and cared about. Satoru knows he doesn’t deserve this kindness, especially after ignoring her and Suguru last night, but he allows it because he didn’t know how much he needed it until it was already happening. His breathing is shaky, and his eyes are already puffy and red, but he doesn’t care anymore. His will to stay strong is gone, like it left the house when Suguru did earlier. He imagines he’s probably making out with her in his car, or his hand is resting somewhere on her thigh, or they’re making eyes at each other. God forbid, they’re already having sex, and it’s over before Naoya can even begin his grand scheme. His thoughts are interrupted by Shoko’s voice.

“I know you’re hurting. And it’s going to hurt. But you have to lean on your friends during times like these, okay? That’s what we’re here for.”

Except that his friends, other than Naoya, all reminded him of Suguru. Practically every time they hung out together, it was with him and Suguru. The two of them were inseparable and seldom went anywhere without the other. Hanging out with Shoko, or Nanami, or Haibara, or Utahime wouldn’t feel the same. It would be a constant reminder that Suguru isn’t there because he’s too busy seeing Saki, too busy with his stupid girlfriend to keep up with his friends. It’s the whole reason Satoru hardly spoke with any of them since the night that she came over. It’s a constant empty space that’s found in every restaurant chair where Suguru is missing, and an empty space on the couch that’s found during a hangout at Shoko’s place, an empty space in the movie theatres next to Satoru where Suguru should have been. He can’t even stand imagining the constant reminder that he wouldn’t be there anymore, and if he were, there would be a plus one involved. And he wouldn’t be able to function properly if she were there, too. He wouldn’t be able to focus on anything else other than the ways she looks at Suguru, the way she makes heart eyes at him, the way she touches his hands and his face and his hair like they belong to her. Satoru’s head is swirling again, and he’s starting to feel the nauseated feeling that’s become so common inside of him these days.

But now, Satoru has Naoya. Naoya is the breath of fresh air in a room where he feels he’s suffocating. He is the light at the end of a long, dark tunnel. He is the first drop of rain in a decade-long drought. He is a whisper in a world that fell silent. And he is handsome, amazingly so, that if charm were a currency, he would own the world. And Satoru knows it, but with Naoya, it’s different. It’s not romantic between them and could never be. Things feel easy with him, but that’s only because he’s not Suguru. And right now, things with Suguru are not easy. Still, Satoru’s heart is with Suguru and will always be with Suguru. But for now, if being around Naoya more is what makes things feel a little easier, then that’s what he’ll do.

“I have Naoya , too.” Satoru says quietly, still sniffling but slowly calming down his breathing. 

“Hm? Naoya?” Shoko asks, still not letting go of him.

“Mmhm. My new friend.” Satoru murmurs against her. He releases another shaky breath, and this time, things feel a little bit easier. Just a little.

“That’s great, Satoru. I’m glad you made a new friend.”

At least someone’s happy that I made a new friend. The sniffling and breathing slow down a little bit more as he thinks about his new friend. Who would’ve known that he’d have been friends with someone whom Suguru hated so much? It feels ironic, it feels like revenge, yet it feels so nice. Satoru begins to smile, even though it’s weak, it’s still a smile. 

“Me too. Suguru doesn’t seem to be.”

“What do you mean? He’s not happy you made a friend?”

“He hates his guts.”

“Has he met him before?”

“We used to be in the same class together, and he couldn’t stand him. Thinks he’s annoying and a douche.”

“Well, is he? I’m assuming not, if he’s your friend.”

“He’s not. Not at all .”

Shoko stays quiet for a while. She doesn’t let go of Satoru, but instead allows him to have as much time as he needs in her arms. Satoru holds on tight, and even tighter in moments where he feels worked up again. It’s hard for Shoko to see him this way, but she knows he’s in pain and the last thing he needs right now is to be alone. So she sits with him, and holds him, and doesn’t let go for a long while. 

Suguru doesn’t come back home that night, and Satoru feels like this is a punishment. This is revenge. This is what he gets for not talking to Suguru this morning when he was trying so hard to have a productive conversation. This is what he gets for going out the night before and making a complete dipshit of himself. This is what he gets for befriending a person whom Suguru hates. This is what he gets for ignoring Suguru all night long. This must’ve been exactly how he felt, lonely and sad and in agonizing pain. Except Satoru doesn’t pick up his phone and try to call him. He doesn’t even text him, not even a good night text. Satoru doesn’t receive one either, and this is the first night in years that neither of them said good night. He doesn’t call or text Naoya, either. He doesn’t sit at his desk and pick up a pen. Instead, he lies in bed in silence and cries himself to sleep. Surely, tomorrow will be better. 

Chapter Text

Suguru opens his eyes slowly and instantly feels around for his phone. He checks it as soon as its in his hand, as if on instinct, and only sees a single message from Saki. It says “ good morning, babe” , nothing more, nothing less. He sighs and doesn’t know why he feels like he should be more disappointed, unsure why he still instinctively expects Satoru to reach out. He shouldn’t even want that anymore, and maybe he wants it less now than he would have a few days ago, especially after how well things went on his date yesterday. 

He shifts his body position on the couch and looks around, noticing how quiet the place is this morning. The plain white walls of the living room give off a sense of neutrality, like a blank slate, like an empty mind that isn’t swirling with thoughts of his date yesterday, with the background thoughts of Satoru that always seems to exist. Nanami and Haibara must still be asleep. But he can’t fall back asleep. Not anymore. He thought he would move past all of this after yesterday, move past the visual disturbances of Satoru guilting him for things he hadn’t done yet. He can’t stop replaying his words in his head. There is no we. Just you and Saki. He wonders what he’s trying to say, what he truly means by those words. Is he asking me to choose between her or our friendship? He can’t imagine losing him over this. He didn’t realize how big a deal this had become until he left that night without saying anything and didn’t come back home. He noticed the way he withdrew himself, hid away in his room more, and spoke less almost immediately, but he assumed that he would get used to the idea eventually and let it go. Suguru was wrong.

He reflects on his date yesterday when he met Saki for lunch at this little corner cafe that she had been excited to take him to. She said it was her favorite in the area and that he had to try their daifuku. Suguru didn’t ever care for sweets, he had only ever cared for Satoru and that’s really the only time he ever enjoyed something sweet. He went, of course, because she was insistent on going there. They sat there together for a while, talking about upcoming plans for the summer, possible trips to the beach, her desires to go to certain shopping districts she hadn’t yet explored. It wasn’t long before she started ranting and raving about some movie that was playing in theatres—some movie that Suguru couldn’t care less about but nonetheless, he listened to her yap about it to keep her happy. He atleast pretended to listen, even though he was too busy staring at the delicate features of her face. She was truly too gorgeous for her own good. It was hard for people around them not to stare and it was becoming harder for Suguru not to stare. The problem with his relationship is that he always felt like he was outside of his body, much like a bystander, not truly participating despite watching his every move and being hyperaware of his speech. It didn’t feel based in reality, it didn’t feel like she was a real girlfriend, let alone his girlfriend, probably in the same way that she didn’t feel like he was a real boyfriend. It only became real the moment she brought up meeting her family soon.

“So, my parents have been asking about you.” She says as she picks at her food, softly and delicately like she were handling the petals of a flower, and never in a way that was too messy.

“Have they, now?” Suguru’s eyes grow wider, his muscles suddenly turn rigid, and his posture stiffens. The thought of her parents terrified him, knowing what they were like through her stories. It was intimidating.

“Mmhmm, they told me they finally want to meet my wonderful boyfriend. The one who makes their daughter smile all of the time.” Her eyes are glowing, sparkling like Satoru’s always used to, except they are a completely different shade than his. They were a shade of brown that could’ve been called chestnut , with a warm, reddish hue to them.

He hesitates for a moment. “I’m sure they didn’t say it like that .”

“They did, though! My mom wants you to join us for dinner soon. She said she’ll cook your favorite meal. She’s truly an amazing cook.” Her eyes were still glowing like a kid in a candy store. “Would you be willing to do that? For me?”

Suguru couldn’t say no. It’s not a part of his nature, it’s not a part of who he is. And especially to a girl of her caliber, a girl with a gorgeous face and gorgeous smile like that, he couldn’t say no. She’s too perfect. Too perfect for someone like him who would much rather have dated Satoru if he were given the chance. But he never had that chance. A chance that never existed. So he didn’t say no to her when she asked. Even though every piece of him knew how frightening a dinner with her parents would be, and he knew how real it would make everything between them, he couldn’t say no.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.” He gives her a soft smile as he glances up at her. She smiled even wider, knowing that she had won. 

“So you’ll meet them, then?” Her face lights up as she says it, brimming with excitement and Suguru can feel it radiating from her.

“If you want me to, then sure, sweetheart. I will. ”

Sweetheart. The way it rolled off of his tongue didn’t feel natural, it didn’t feel like it belonged. It felt forced, but he figured that it was something he would eventually grow used to, similar to how he thought Satoru would grow used to the idea of her. The sooner you figure that out, the better it’ll be for us both. He heard Satoru’s disapproving voice in his head, a voice that would say “What the hell are you doing, Suguru?” if he were there with him in person. He didn’t know why his image and his voice always haunted him like a ghost that followed him everywhere he went and would be there on every awkward date, at every dinner with her parents, at every single turn of a corner. He figured that it was just the way it would always be. Satoru always lived inside of his head, always as a version that loved him endlessly while simultaneously making judgements on his actions. He was inside of all of Suguru’s thoughts, and he’d follow him to the ends of the earth like a ghost that would never leave him alone. There was no escaping him, no getting rid of him, no avoiding him, even if that’s what Suguru wanted, but a small part of him liked that he was always around, even if not physically. If getting closer to Saki meant getting further from Satoru, then he didn’t want closeness with her. The thought scared him, but regardless, he pushed forward with his relationship. He didn’t want to meet her parents but he agreed that he would. He didn’t want to take their relationship to a deeper level because it frightened him but he knew what his agreement meant. Why am I entertaining this even though it terrifies me? Is there a part of me that truly wants this to work out? 

There’s a part of him that feels like Satoru wants him, too. A part of him knows that he is clearly feeling hurt, jealous, left out, forgotten, and ignored, and it's because of her . What good would knowing do at this point, though? He knows that time has already passed. He knows it when he made the decision to start anything with Saki, yet the more Satoru pulls away, the more he wants to instinctively pull him back in. He’s afraid that he’ll lose him forever, lose him for good if he doesn’t at least try to pull him back in. He thinks about what he’s going to do next. What will he say to Satoru later when he goes back home? Should he say anything to him at all? Would that be pushing it too much? Or would some space do both of them good? He isn’t sure what the correct answer is, and he can’t spend another moment thinking about it because she interrupts his thoughts with the sweet ring of her voice.

“Of course. I’d love for you to meet them. I’ll talk to my mom when I get home later.” She takes a sip of her drink as her bangs, much like Suguru’s, fall into her face. She looks back up and smirks at him. “So, do you wanna catch that movie I was telling you about? I bet there’s a showing soon.” She flutters her eyelashes and shoots a smile at him, like she’s proving to him that she’s admiring every single feature on his face.

“Sure, sweetheart.” He is always so short with her, like he keeps himself at a safe distance away from her at all times. He’s always so cautious and so careful around her, like his every move is being watched by some unknown force — probably the ghost of Satoru’s feelings .

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending if you ask Satoru first, she is a very clingy and touchy person who constantly yearns for some form of physical contact with him. She reaches her hands out and grabs onto his hands from across the table, laces her fingers in his, and smiles at him with her cheeks glowing red. Her appearance is always relaxed like she’s comfortable with him whenever she’s actively touching him. She stays holding them for a while, eyes locked into his like she’s watching her future unfold in front of her, and Suguru knows what she’s doing. She wants me to kiss her again.

“You know,” She starts as the blush appears darker across her cheeks, “You don’t ever kiss me properly.” She says it like she’s waiting for something to happen. He breaks eye contact for a moment and begins biting his bottom lip.

“Hm. Is that so?” Suguru says it as if he wasn’t already aware of the fact that he avoids kissing her like she has the plague. It makes him too nervous, especially with the mental images of Satoru guilting him for it. So he’s learned to avoid it, dodge it, dart away and opt for a hug instead almost every time.

“Is it because you’re shy? You’re hard to read , you know…” She continues staring him down like she’s a predator and he’s her prey. He feels like he’s trapped in the lion's den, and he swallows down the hard lump that built up in his throat. Damn, she makes me so nervous.

“I guess I am, aren’t I?” He gives her a weak smile, unconvincing but passable. He doesn’t want her to take notice of how sweaty his hands have become in a short amount of time. She shoots him a confused look, which slowly morphs into something softer. She isn’t really sure whether he’s admitting that he’s shy or hard to read. Probably both.

“Don’t worry. Once we’re inside the theatre, no one will be able to see us. ” She gently releases one of her hands from his and traces her finger along his forearm, gazing at him with a look that would make other men drop dead and sign away their rights, just not Suguru. Not yet, but maybe soon. “So, what will you do then ? Are you finally going to kiss me like you mean it?” 

The hard lump in his throat is back, and it’s not letting up. He can see Satoru’s ghost floating in the air next to her, shaking his head at him in disapproval. She makes him feel so damn nervous, and he doesn’t know what it is about her that does it to him. Hell, the ghost’s presence makes him even more nervous. He thinks it has to do with the fact that he’s not allowing himself to fully lean into this, to get any closer to her than where he is now, because then, it would become real. He shifts around in his seat, feeling something warm stirring in his core like a flame that has ignited, now starting to spread between his legs.

“You’re so quiet. But I kinda like it. Are you gonna give me an answer, h m ? Or are you gonna leave me guessing?” She says playfully, her hand that was tracing his forearm moves to his thigh, just above his knee, and gives a light yet suggestive squeeze. It sends a small shiver down his spine, and he feels the flames burn even hotter. No, no, no, no. I don’t want this. 

Poor Suguru. It’s sad, really , how much a little physical contact can make his body tighten up, make him feel the tiniest bit flustered. His cheeks are dusted with red and it doesn’t help his case that she is gorgeous with her long, black locks of hair, large doe-like eyes, and smooth, pink lips. Her face is almost perfectly rounded and soft-looking, her fingers delicate and smooth like they spent their whole lives indoors, playing piano and receiving weekly manicures. It doesn’t help that she’s heavy-chested, too, especially for her petite size. Suguru knows he could lift her body up with ease and have his way with her if he wanted to. He admits that it sounded tempting at times, to give in to it, to allow her to eat him up, because he knows she would in a heartbeat if he gave her the chance. If he had told her no to the movie because he wanted to go back to his apartment with her instead, she’d say yes and be in his bed with him faster than he could finish telling her “no” to the movie. Suguru knows deep down that once he gives in to her, it’s over for good for him and Satoru. He’d probably never forgive him for sleeping with someone else. Satoru would never get over it.

“I guess you’ll have to wait and see.” He playfully responds, entertaining the idea of giving in to her obvious desires. 

After finishing up at the cafe, they head in the direction of the near movie theatre to catch the 2 PM showing of whatever movie she had spent most of their time during lunch yapping about. Suguru doesn’t remember the name of it, not even when he buys their tickets, not even when its name is repeated time after time, because he was somewhere lost inside his head—a thing that was becoming too common these days. Is this how my life is supposed to look? Am I doing this the way it was always meant to be? They are holding hands loosely, almost perfectly fitting together but not quite, as they head into the auditorium that’s showing the movie. They arrive just in time for previews to begin playing. Almost as soon as they sit in their seats, she leans against him and gently rests her head on his shoulder. He remembers when he buried his head against Satoru’s shoulder when he came back home this morning. He remembers being held for that brief moment like it had happened years ago. Can I allow myself to feel with someone else? Against every fiber in his body, he relaxes ever so slightly and allows himself to lean into the feeling. He tilts his head so it gently rests on top of hers, similar to how Satoru tilted his head on his own earlier. He lets out a small breath that he didn’t realize he had been holding in. 

“Feeling okay, babe ?” She asks in a whisper so quiet that it’s almost completely lost in the air. He gently shakes his head and whispers back softly.

“ Yeah, I’m fine .” 

I’m fine, everythings fine. Her hand is still laced with his, and she gives it a light squeeze. He gives her hand a gentle squeeze back. Her hand is soft and warm, delicate, like a flower. Very fitting for a girl as beautiful as her. She angles her head so her mouth is right next to his ear. She whispers into it so softly that the shock it sends down his spine could have defribillated his heart in an emergency.

“Can I have a kiss now, babe?” She waits for what feels like an eternity before feeling him shift beside her. He gives her a gentle kiss on the top of her head and then hears her giggle. Poor, innocent Suguru. That’s not the kind of kiss that she meant. Of course it wasn’t, and Suguru knew that, but in his nervousness and in his hesitancy he opted for her head instead of going for her lips. It was the safest option he could take to meet her request. And she doesn’t let it go. “ No , silly. A real one.” 

He whispers back to her, “Was that not a kiss?” 

He hears her giggle softly as she whispers again. “Not a real one . Here, let me show you.”

And before he even has time to respond, she lifts her head and turns toward him, staring intently into his eyes. She rests her free hand on his thigh gently as she bites her bottom lip softly, and then commits. She closes the distance between their faces, their lips touching. The second their lips make contact, she pushes into the kiss more, slowly parting her lips and releasing a gentle, almost silent moan into his mouth. She gently pulls away enough to form the words, “ It’s cute how shy you are .” The tips of his ears, which were already dusted with pink, turn a shade darker. She doesn’t hesitate any longer and moves back in to meet his waiting lips again. His hand, like it was on instinct, gently holds the side of her face as he leans into the kiss with eyes closed. He allows himself to feel it this time, just this one time. Just this once. His body relaxes into it even more, feeling her tongue push into his mouth and it’s not long before both of their tongues are slipping past each other in a careful, uncoordinated motion that grows more desperate, breath hot and heavy. He feels that same warmth from earlier creep up inside his core, slowly at first, and then turn into a fiery, passionate blaze. His hand begins trembling as he’s filled with tingling up and down his body, a dizzying sensation from her lips and tongue moving against his. His pants suddenly feel a bit tighter than they did before, his growing erection not yet showing through his pants, but surely if she had placed her hand any higher up on his thigh, she would have known. He can hardly control himself as his other hand slips around the small of her back, bringing her body even closer to him. Her soft, sweet moans grow a little louder, a little more desperate, delivering them directly into his mouth with every exhale in between kisses. Their breathing grows heavier, almost synchronized, as her impossibly soft lips and tongue against his own consume him in a rare heat he’s never known. 

A male voice a few rows up cuts through the moment, loud and deliberate, interrupting their tender moment—like he wanted to be heard. Like it was full of purpose. “ For fuck’s sake, get a damn room .”

Suguru quickly pulls back, snapped back to reality by a voice that somehow sounds familiar. He’s apprehensive about turning around to look, so he shrugs it off. It was already embarrassing that he was caught in the act and he’s probably shriveling up inside if he recognized the person who said it. Probably nobody. Saki settles in against his shoulder again, lacing her fingers with his again, like they weren’t just passionately kissing mere moments ago. She whispers close to his ear, just so Suguru could hear.

“Don’t worry, it’s probably some lonely asshole.” She gently rubs his thigh with her free hand, lazily drawing circles on it. She whispers again. “We’ll continue this later, when we’re completely alone.”

Suguru feels the corners of his mouth turn upwards, and he realizes he didn’t think of Satoru that time. He allowed himself to partake in a real kiss with his girlfriend, his sweet, beautiful, gentle girlfriend. A kiss so real that it was dizzying, a kiss so real that it took him someplace else for a moment. A kiss so real that he wanted more. Would it be so bad if I allowed myself to feel this all of the time? By the time the movie ended, he had stolen a few more kisses from her. They weren’t quite as intense and passionate as the first one, but they still sent the message “ I want more of you.” He still doesn’t know the name of the movie and he still doesn’t really care. His body is radiating with warmth and happiness, feelings that he didn’t think he’d truly be able to experience with her. They exited the building, fingers laced together, and headed down the street toward the station that led to Saki’s house.

“I don’t wanna go home. Not yet…” Saki whines as she slows down her walking pace, resistant to Suguru’s steps that are pulling them forward. Their fingers, still linked together, act as a leash as he continues on toward the station. She gently yanks back, trying to pull him the opposite direction.

“You want to do something else?” He asks as he stops walking for a moment and turns toward her. She stand on her tip toes and wraps her arms around his neck, leaning into him. She presses a soft kiss to his cheek and places her mouth near his ear. Her next whisper shoots another surge throughout his body.

“Can we please go to your place? Please?” She whimpers into his ear like she’s desperate for more of him, desperate to feel lips pressed against hers again. And probably more.

Before Suguru can give her an answer, he thinks of Satoru. Poor Satoru. He pictures him at home still, probably in bed, not wanting to leave his room. That’s where he’s been spending most of his time these days, anyway. He remembers the last thing Satoru said to him before he left the house earlier. Do what you want . It doesn’t concern me. Suguru takes this as permission rather than a warning, his brain partially fogged over by the smoke from the fire that started in his body earlier during their first real kiss. He knows he can’t bring her to his apartment, not with Satoru the way he is. It wouldn’t be good for him, it wouldn’t be good for them. Satoru’s ghost makes his reappearance and repeats the words that haunt Suguru. There is no we. Just you and Saki. He hates that his ghost might be right this time.

“I’m sorry, not tonight, sweetheart.” He notices her dip her head down, remaining silent and still. “I told Nanami I’d hang out with him later.But I-I’ll make it up to you, okay? I promise.” He holds out his pinky to her, and she locks her pinky with his as she gives him a small smile.

“I’m gonna hold you to it.” She slowly tilts her head to look at him, her lips curved and eyes sparkling. He places a gentle hand below her chin and leans down to meet her lips. Sweet and incredibly soft. They remain pressed against each other for a moment until Suguru slowly pulls away.

“Let’s get you home.” He gives her a weak smile, one that convinces her enough to grab his hand again and continue walking toward the station.

Suguru doesn’t really know why he chose to lie to her. Well, he does, but he doesn’t understand it. Why does Satoru sometimes appear in his mind and other times doesn’t? Suguru still can’t figure it out—whether it’s guilt pulling him back, or if the heat spreading between his legs somehow burns it all away. Either way, he figures it’s for the best if she heads home tonight, and to keep himself from completely lying to her, he tells himself he really should go see Nanami anyway. He hasn’t seen him since the night Saki came over to meet everyone, and he shouldn’t put everyone else on the back burner like he already has with Satoru. Suguru is really good at making excuses for his feelings and, subsequently, his lies . He’ll part ways with her once they approach the walkway to her house, and then, he’ll keep his word and head to Nanami’s apartment.

That night, Suguru stayed at Nanami’s place. He filled him in on how things were going with Saki, how he was trying to take things slow to ease into the idea of having a girlfriend around, how Satoru had been acting out for weeks, and how everything at home had shifted. Nanami listened intently and nodded as he spoke, his expression steady and nonjudgemental. He was always so level-headed which is why Suguru trusted him so much. 

When he finally paused, Nanami leaned back in his chair and said, “You don’t have to have it all figured out right now. But if you’re serious about Saki, eventually Satoru will have to learn how to adjust. It’s time to worry about yourself for once.” He paused a moment before continuing. “And for Satoru… he acts out when he doesn’t know what to do with his feelings. Don’t let his confusion become your responsibility to fix. He’ll either come around and talk to you about it, or he won’t, but you’ll know you did your part.”

Suguru gives him a small smile, a smile that says I understand. He doesn’t need to say anything else, granted, he spent almost the entire previous 30 minutes sharing his life’s story. He’s not ready to go back home and face him. Not yet. And Nanami senses the unspoken tension in the air, like an airborne virus that spread from Suguru to him just by existing in each other’s proximity.

“You’re welcome to sleep here tonight if you feel the space would be best for you both.”

Suguru doesn’t say anything more, only nods his head. It’s a mutual understanding. He knows he’ll take the couch since Nanami lives with Haibara, and even though he’s not home right now, he will be soon. He feels hypocritical, considering that he’s decided to stay here for the night, and tonight, it will be Suguru who is not going back home. Satoru did it first. This will be good for us, and he’ll understand how I felt. Worst-case scenario is that Satoru doesn’t care at all and nothing changes. Best-case scenario is that this pushes Satoru to have a conversation with him, so Suguru sees this as a win-win situation. The tension in their current living environment needs to dissipate, needs to fade away, needs to drastically lessen so Suguru can feel comfortable again. Maybe even comfortable enough to bring Saki over for the night. Before Suguru settles on the couch for bed, his phone buzzes. He looks to see what the notification is anddddddd it’s a message from Saki.

[09:56 PM] Saki: goodnight, baby ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

Seeing the little face she put at the end melts his heart. His chest flutters, that same warmth emanating from the cavity where his heart sits. He knows he has to respond to her. It’s too cute not to, and she is his girlfriend, so it’d be rude and wrong not to.

[09:57 PM] me: goodnight, sweetheart. 

There is no goodnight text from Satoru. Suguru doesn’t bother sending one to him as he locks his phone and closes his eyes for the night, quietly humming as his last thoughts are filled with remembering the sensation of her lips against his.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru opens his eyes slowly and turns on his side, instantly feeling around for his phone. Once he grabs hold of it, he notices there’s not a single notification on it. There’s no goodnight text from Suguru, not that he really expected one anymore anyway, and there’s no other message from him, or anyone else for that matter, either. He wonders if this is how Suguru felt the night that he went out drinking. He sighs as he settles back into the silence of being alone in their apartment. The sound of pots and pans clattering in the kitchen is absent, the blaring sound of their TV in the living room isn’t there, and the smell of breakfast cooking on the stovetop is only a distant memory. Suguru isn’t back home, then.  

He can’t fall back asleep, not with knowing that Suguru was out with her all night long, and is still with her this morning. His stomach is already churning, and he’s already bitten his lip til it’s bloody and raw at the mere thought of it. I should’ve just gone out last night, too. Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve, but he didn’t know. He realizes he hasn’t talked to Naoya much since he dropped him off yesterday morning, and it’s probably time to fill him in on the events that have since happened. He seems like he cares more than anyone else in his life does right now, and it’s likely because he’s the only one who knows the whole truth. He doesn’t hesitate to type out a message to him.

[8:32 AM] me: hey, i need to get out of the house today

Not even a few minutes later and Satoru’s phone buzzes. It’s Naoya’s response, of course.

[8:34 AM] Naoya: miss me already?

Satoru softly laughs as he’s reminded of easy conversations and comfort, two things that he hasn’t had nearly enough of lately. He could use some more of that today. It’s much needed after his grueling night.

[8:35 AM] Me: lol, and you’re sure you don’t roll that way? 

[8:37 AM] Naoya: maybe in your dreams, i do lol :*

[8:37 AM] Me: shut up

[8:39 AM] Naoya: So what’s the plan?

[8:40 AM] Me: idk, i just really dont wanna be alone again today

[8:41 AM] Naoya: did suguru leave the house already?

[8:41 AM] Me: he never came back home last night…….

[8:42 AM] Naoya: oh, fuck. Im sorry, dude

[8:42 AM] Naoya: does that mean i failed the mission??

Satoru doesn’t want to think about it. A plan that was equally as desperate as it was delusional. It was an insane plan, one that would probably never have lived to see daylight anyway. But a plan that, in theory, could have been executed perfectly, could have been what saved their relationship in exchange for sacrificing Saki, could have made everything revert to the way it was before. It was already too late and Satoru is annoyed. Apparently, Suguru couldn’t keep it in his pants long enough . He wonders how they would even have sex, if not at their apartment. He knows that Saki still lives with her parents, and surely, they wouldn’t let him stay the night over there. Maybe in the car? Maybe somewhere secluded? It seems a little too outlandish for someone like Suguru, so he dismissed the thought. He imagines they booked a hotel somewhere, maybe somewhere romantic, maybe somewhere close to the beach. 

Satoru remembers the last time he and Suguru and Shoko went to the beach together. It was about a month out from final exams and they all needed a break before finishing up the semester. He was adamant about going swimming that day. He craved the water like he’d shrivel up and burn if he didn’t submerge himself in it. Shoko didn’t want to go in the water, and neither did Suguru, so they stayed back on the beach, just two bodies spread out on towels to soak up the sun. But Satoru, stubborn as he was, wouldn’t take no for an answer. He pulled on Suguru’s arms and dragged him from the sand to the water. He was so mad at first, especially when they both tripped and fell in, but he quickly gave in to a battle of splashing. Waves were crashing against them as they fought the current, trying their best to stay upright as they waded in deeper water. He remembers how much they laughed and smiled that day, like it was just the two of them, like Shoko wasn’t even there, just a distant person on the beach. He remembers venturing even deeper into the water with Suguru until they were weightless, and allowed the waves to gently lift them up as they jumped with each crash. He was always so touchy with Satoru, grabbing onto his arms to steady himself, or maybe he just wanted to be closer to him. He remembers briefly holding hands with him as a wave was carrying Satoru away and Suguru didn’t want him to be swallowed out to sea. Those memories slowly fade away as his attention focuses back on his phone that he’s holding out infront of him still.

[8:45 AM] Me: idk. no idea and really dont wanna think about that right now

[8:47 AM] Naoya: yeah, its better you dont. Sorry for bring it up.We’ll do something fun and keep ur mind off of it. 

[8:47 AM] Naoya: Why dont u come over here and we can go out later if ur feeling up to it?

He needed to leave his house today. There was no contest, only agreement from an anxious and exhausted Satoru.

[8:47 AM] Me: im down

[8:48 AM] Me: send me ur address, cause i forgot

Satoru sets his phone down and tunes into the sounds taking place outside his window. He can hear cars passing by, the hurried sounds of people on their way to work, the bustling life of a city so vibrant. So alive. He wonders if Suguru will be home soon, or if he’ll stay away all day. Is he avoiding me on purpose? He shouldn’t care about when he decides to come home, and he wants to kick himself for ruminating on it. All it’s doing is taking away from his happiness, happiness that he hardly has left, and taking away from his thoughts of leaving the house to spend the day with Naoya. His phone buzzes again, and it’s a message with Naoya’s address. It’s not too far. Satoru just needs to head to the train station and get off at the second stop. He quickly responds that he’ll be there in a couple hours, that he needs some time to himself this morning, that he needs a shower and to take care of some things around the house before he heads out. His stomach is growling, and he knows he needs to eat, too, but the nausea he feels rejects the thought of food. Still, he forces himself to get out of bed and check the fridge for something to eat. On second thought, maybe he’ll grab some breakfast on the way to Naoya’s house.

He lazily walks over to the couch and flops on it, laying on his side so he can face the tv. He grabs the blanket that rests along the top edge of the couch and pulls it down over himself. He reaches for the remote that’s resting on the side table and clicks the TV on. He has an entire library of anime episodes, Pokémon and Digimon included, and he absentmindedly clicks on one of them so it will play in the background and drown out his thoughts. He blankly stares at the moving, flickering TV screen, sounds emanating from it but he’s not focused on what they’re saying. He’s trying his best to clear his mind, to think of absolutely nothing, to focus on his breathing instead. It’s not long before his eyes feel heavy lidded again, and he finds himself dozing off. His arm hangs over the side of the couch, his mouth falls open with eyes shut. He quietly snores. Finally, some peace.

He’s startled by the sound of the door creaking open. He props himself up and turns his head to look, and of course, it’s Suguru doing the walk of shame. He doesn’t make eye contact with Satoru, but instead, hurriedly walks toward his room like Satoru’s eyes are laser beams that will burn him alive if he doesn’t move quickly. Satoru rolls his eyes, knowing Suguru won’t see it because he’s already halfway down the hall. He feels his entire body grow a few degrees hotter and he clenches his fists tightly. Why is his heart bounding with anger? Just breathe. It’s not worth it, it’s not worth it. But he’s worth it. He works to calm himself down, takes a few deep breaths until he’s able to relax his body into the couch again. He checks the time on his phone and it’s 10:31 am. He should really take a shower and take care of things before he leaves, but his body feels motionless. He feels no energy left, no determination to rise from the spot where he’s lying on the couch, no desire to do anything . If it were up to him, he would become one with the couch and melt into it until the two were fused together. He shuts his eyes and tries to clear his mind again, the sound of a Digimon rerun episode playing in the background. His mind is running a million miles a minute, laced with what ifs and whys. 

He unlocks his phone and opens his message thread with Suguru. He knows he shouldn’t. He knows he really shouldn’t. Why do I have to be the one to say something first? But he does anyways.

[10:40 AM] me: okay cool, so are you gonna pretend im not here??

He lets out a heavy sigh. He doesn’t even know what he wants from Suguru at this point. Nothing, I guess, since he slept with her already anyways. He doesn’t even know why he sent the message in the first place. He’s in the middle of beating himself up when his phone vibrates with a response.

[10:42 AM] Suguru: i’m not pretending, Satoru. I figured you could use some space since you didn’t want to talk yesterday.

His body begins burning, turning into a fireball of rage. Is this payback? He wants to open the sliding glass door that leads to their balcony where two empty chairs are resting, untouched by their bodies for weeks now, and chuck his phone into the street below. He wants to retrieve every letter about Suguru that’s hiding away in his closet and shred them into tiny bits in front of his face. He wants to dig through his drawers and his closet and find every t-shirt that Suguru gave him and toss them into the trash. He’s exhausted from the misunderstanding between them, yet, he can only blame himself for it. 

The rage starts to cool down the moment that fact settles itself into his soul. The problem isn’t Suguru. He’s just existing, just living his life with the information that’s available to him, making active decisions based on what he knows to be true. It is Satoru, after all , who doesn’t want to talk. Suguru had tried, he had begged, he practically followed him into the bathroom yesterday to continue a conversation that Satoru wanted no part in. The only person he can blame is himself. With that, he decides to respond with honey instead of venom.

[10:49 AM] me: i understand… yeah, space is probably good i guess. im sorry im being such a dick. :( a hi from you would have been nice tho.

Suguru wastes no time and sends an immediate response. 

[10:50 AM] Suguru: hi :)

[10:50 AM] Suguru: and don’t apologize, it’s ok. let me know if you want to talk, okay?

There it is again. Suguru’s attempts to have a conversation. Satoru doesn’t even understand himself, doesn’t understand why he won’t just talk to him. It’s too vulnerable, too raw, too terrifying . He’s so afraid of rejection even though he’s clearly been rejected already. Has he been rejected though? He debates whether it’s real rejection or not. Maybe he’s never had the proper chance to experience rejection since he never tried to talk about his feelings for Suguru before. Either way, a sadness washes over him. He knows he needs to get moving and start his day because time will move forward regardless if he’s ready for it to or not.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru made it to Naoya’s apartment with ease. It didn’t take as long as he thought it would to make it there. When he reached his front door, he knocked a few times and it took no longer than a minute for Naoya to open the door and welcome him inside.

“Fair warning, I have stuff all over the place right now. I started a new work in progress so ignore the mess.”

Satoru never really noticed how much art he has displayed in his house. And how much art supplies he had spread across tables and counters. Then again, he was severely hung over last time and not paying attention to his surroundings. He didn’t pay much attention to anything else besides the thoughts of Suguru that invaded his mind like an unwanted guest now that he thinks about it. He takes his time noticing every art piece displayed on his walls, and his eyes capture the canvas resting on a stand that’s off to the side, an assortment of acrylic paints resting on a small table beside it. Clearly, it’s his work in progress.

“You did all of this yourself?”

“Yeah, it’s nothing crazy but it’s my passion for sure. I do commissions sometimes, too.”

“Wow, I think it’s amazing. I always sucked at art. But I’m told I’m good at writing, so I do that instead.”

“Interesting. Didn’t picture you as someone who likes writing. So what do you write?”

“Mostly letters, if I’m being honest. Letters that are rarely read by anyone else. It’s mostly a form of therapy for me. Maybe you’ll get to read one, someday.”

“Hmm, I see. Sounds cool, I’d like to read one sometime. I get what you mean about the therapy part because art is my therapy, too .” Naoya gives him a little smile, his eyes glowing as he mentions that art is his therapy, too.

“What’s this one?” Satoru asks, pointing to the elaborate abstract piece resting on the wall above his couch.

“Hm? Oh yeah. That one. I painted it right after I made the decision to drop out and I’ll admit, I went a little crazy.”

“Wait, you dropped out of university?”

“Yeah, during fall semester last year.”

“But why ? You’re so talented, Naoya! You need to be doing this for a living.” Satoru says candidly, trying to encourage him to do something with this.

“Because an art degree doesn’t automatically make me an artist. I still have to work for it.” Naoya confidently replies, watching as Satoru’s expression changes.

“That’s true, I guess.” He realizes what that means for next semester. “So, that means I won’t see you around campus this coming Fall semester?”

“ Nope . Well, not at school, anyway. I won’t stop you from coming here to see me if you want.”

Satoru frowns slightly, attempting to hide it from him but is not very successful. To think that next semester is going to look different than before. Suguru will probably spend his days with his girlfriend, studying for hours in the library with her and taking all of his classes with her. The thought nauseates him, but it’s a reality he’ll be facing soon. A reality he doesn’t want to be facing soon, but it’s not up to him.

“Here, come with me outside.” Naoya motions as he heads toward his balcony where he, too, has a few chairs resting on it. They step outside together and Naoya slides the balcony door shut. He pulls something small out of his pocket, and then something else. The first object that Satoru makes out is a lighter, and the next, predictably, a pack of cigarettes. He plucks one from the box and puts it into his mouth, blocking the wind as he rolls the lighter to ignite the tip of it. 

“I didn’t know you smoke.” Satoru says with wide eyes, like he just found out something major.

“Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t .” He mutters with a cigarette in his mouth. He takes his first drag, inhaling for a little while before turning his head and releasing it into the air away from Satoru’s direction.

“I guess I just didn’t picture it.” Satoru says, still surprised witnessing the act.

“ Interesting . Well, now you can picture it.” He takes another long drag and exhales a cloud of smoke, once again, away from Satoru. “Most people see my tattoos and automatically assume I do all of the above.” There’s a comfortable silence between them for a moment, until Satoru breaks it with a gentle voice.

“Not me.” Naoya turns his head and looks at him as he says it.

“That’s because you’re different, Satoru .”

There’s another moment of silence. A beat, or two. Maybe even three. The way Naoya says his name reminds his of the way Suguru says it. It’s almost endearing, almost special, but still, it’s different. It’s very……Naoya Zenin.

“Can I try?” Satoru motions to the cigarette he’s inhaling. Naoya gives him a confused look, then realizes what he’s asking. He exhales the smoke away from him still, like it would taint him if it dared to reach his lungs. 

“What, my cigarette?”

“Yeah. I always wondered if it’s as cool as it looks.” Satoru grins.

“Smoking is bad, you know. I’m not gonna introduce you to a bad habit that I picked up long ago.” Naoya brings the cigarette back up to his lips and inhales.

“Why not? My friend Shoko does it all the time.” Satoru whines, desperate to try it just this once.

Naoya sharply exhales, still away from Satoru, and shoots back. “Because smoking kills you. And if it was easy to quit, I would have already.”

“ I’m already dead inside , Naoya. So it really doesn’t matter to me. Gimme.” 

“Mm, no. I don’t believe that.” Naoya squints his eyes at him, reflecting the doubt he has in his words.

“Well, that’s how I feel. And I don't want to feel dead anymore. So gimme.” Satoru tries to reach toward it and Naoya turns his body away from him, effectively removing the cigarette from his reach.

“Smoking won’t accomplish that.”

Satoru groans before giving up and moving on to the next best thing. “Okay fine, then I’ll start drinking every day . It’s like, the only way to get all this noise in my head to quiet down.”

“Drinking won’t accomplish that either. Not permanently, anyway.”

Satoru groans louder this time. “Ugh. Can I please just try it?”

“No, it’s not worth it. Trust me.” Naoya defends, still not allowing Satoru to fall into his bad habit the same way that he did.

“Fiiiiiine.” Satoru crosses his arms, though he knows he’s being dramatic. Naoya is just looking out for his well being, especially when he knows how vulnerable Satoru is already feeling. He inhales another puff and releases it into the air, still turning his head away from Satoru every time. Neither one says anything for a little while, but then Naoya opens his mouth to speak. 

“Can I tell you something? It’s kind of, um, touchy.”

Satoru’s ears perk up and his eyes widen as he looks toward Naoya. “Yeah, of course.”

Naoya’s free hand is fidgeting against the railing, like he’s unsure of how to say whatever it is he’s going to say next. “Have you, uh, heard of that new movie that came out? Human earthworm 5?”

Satoru nods and softly laughs. “Yeah, looks really dumb . I can’t believe they’re on number 5. What the hell is all the hype about? There should’ve never been a sequel if you ask me.”

Naoya glares at him. “ Asshole . I like those movies. And I went to go see it yesterday.”

Satoru laughs, knowing that his comment got under his skin. He feels slightly embarrassed because he didn’t picture that someone like him would like those ridiculous movies. Naoya continues.

“Suguru was there, too.”

Satoru freezes and his eyes grow wide, anticipating what will come out of Naoya’s mouth next. “ What ? Are you sure it was him?”

Naoya nods and tosses his cigarette into the ashtray that’s on the glass table. He takes a seat in one of the chairs. “Yeah, it was him. He was with a short girl with long black hair.”

Satoru starts panicking. “ Did he see you !?” He’s worried that Suguru will think he sent Naoya to spy on him, especially knowing how much he despises him.

“Nah, I doubt it. I couldn’t hold my tongue though, so consider it some justice being served on your behalf.” 

“What do you mean? You said something?” Satoru feels his hands growing clammy and his stomach start to turn. If Suguru didn’t already hate Naoya, he’s definitely going to hate him now.

“Do you trust me, Gojo? He didn’t know it was me. He didn’t even turn around to look at who it was. I just didn’t want them getting all handsy or anything. I gotta look out for you, you know?”

Satoru feels his heart sink to his stomach. He can picture Suguru there with her, kissing her, touching her, holding her. He doesn’t want any of those images in his head. He looks down and shakes his head before letting out a heavy sigh.

“So they kissed, then? Not that you were there to spy on them or anything…”

“Yeah.” Naoya says quietly as he ducks his head, like he’s feeling the shame that Suguru should be feeling. “But don’t worry! I yelled at them to get a room and they stopped.” He smirks like he saved the day with his comment.

Satoru sighs, his fingers trembling, his heart pounding and he’s overstimulated from hearing about Suguru’s movie date. It was too much. He sits in the chair that’s next to Naoya’s. He puts his elbows on his knees and buries his face in his hands. He lets out a long, exhausted sigh and then speaks.

“It’s not like it even matters anyway.”

Naoya looks at him, unconvinced. “It does matter, though. You care about him.”

“I don’t want to anymore, though.” Satoru shoots back, looking up at Naoya now.

“You can’t control your feelings.” Naoya softly comments.

“ I wish I could.” The words quietly escape Satoru’s mouth as his voice slightly breaks, his eyes now starting to feel full. “I’d never choose this. It fucking sucks.”

Naoya remains silent for a moment. The weight in the air between them grows heavier. Satoru doesn’t really have anything else to say about it. He sits with the very feeling of it fucking sucks. Because that’s what it is, isn’t it? A situation he can’t control, a situation not likely to change. He just has to sit with it. And it fucking sucks. Naoya begins again, breaking the silence between them.

“I’m so sorry, dude. I don’t really know what to say. It does suck.” Naoya ducks his head down and thinks for a moment, before looking back up to meet Satoru’s eyes. “Why don’t you just tell him how you really feel?”

Satoru hesitates for a moment. Why haven’t I? It’s much easier said than done, isn’t it? Satoru quickly realizes this and responds. “You make it sound like it’s something that’s easy to do. If it were, I would’ve told him years ago.”

“I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but it’ll give you peace. And you deserve peace. Not this. ” Naoya comments, hating to see Satoru like this.

“Even if I end up disappointed and it breaks my heart? Because that’s exactly what’s going to happen.” Satoru lets out another sigh as he says it like it’s an inevitable truth.

“Your heart is already broken, isn’t it?” Naoya asks gently.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“So what do you really have to lose, then?”

He’s right. Satoru had already thought about moving out, had already entertained the idea. Every day was becoming harder and harder to remain in the apartment. Even though it hadn’t been that long since she entered his life and flipped everything upside down, it felt like months to Satoru.

“Nothing, I guess. It feels like I’ve already lost him.” Satoru sighs and decides to give in to the nagging pull of his emotions. “I’ll talk to him, then. I will. It’s not going to be easy, but I have to do it. So I will do it. Like, today .”

“Satoru, you have to fight for what you want. Nothing good comes easily.”

“But what if he already has plans later?”

“That’s why you send him a message now and tell him, so you can plan accordingly.”

Satoru pulls out his phone and types out a message addressed to Suguru. His thumbs are moving so fast before he can even process what he’s doing.

[3:25 PM] me: hey, i want to talk later, just you and me. Is that ok?

He waits. A minute, two minutes pass, and then, his phone vibrates.

[3:28 PM] Suguru: Yeah, of course. What time do you think?

[3:28 PM] me: why?? do you have plans already??

[3:30 PM] Suguru: I do but I can make time for you.

[3:31 PM] me: forget it, it’s fine.

[3:31 PM] Suguru: Satoru, please. I said I’d make time for you, let me know what time.

Naoya is gazing at him, wondering what is going on behind the phone screen and behind Satoru’s eyes, as it’s been several minutes and he hasn’t said anything yet. “So, what did he say? You’re not talking…but I see lots of typing”

“Ugh. He says it like I’m a damn chore or something. He says he’ll ‘make time for me’, so I told him to forget it.”

“Dude, come on. What the fuck . Why would you say that?” Naoya scolds him, knowing that he didn’t give it a fair shot.

“Because I don’t want to be his backup option!” Satoru shouts, clearly frustrated and pent up with all of the different emotions that this whole situation has made him feel.

As gently as he possibly can, Naoya responds with some more truth. It’s always truth with Naoya. That’s one thing that Satoru has quickly learned to value about his new friend. “Satoru, I’m sorry, but as it stands right now, that’s what you already are. Nothing will change unless you try. Give him a chance to show you, and if he doesn’t, at least you have your answer.”

Naoya’s right. Satoru’s thumbs resume their work.

[3:35 PM] me: Is 8 good?

Satoru fights back the urge to send a second, follow up, smartass-y message. 

[3:36 PM] Suguru: 8 is good. 

[3:37 PM] me: there won’t be surprise visitors at our house tonight, right?

[3:37 PM] Suguru: right. Just us, i promise.

[3:38 PM] me: :)

[3:38 PM] Suguru: :)

“Okay, so we’re gonna talk tonight at 8.” Satoru breathes out a sigh of relief, like there’s an end in sight now.

“Doesn’t that make you feel relieved? There’s an end in sight to this shit. And if it all goes south, you can crash at my place again if you need to.” Naoya literally steals the words right out of Satoru’s head and brings them into the air between them.

“Thanks, I’m just really nervous about the whole thing. I don’t wanna do this…”

“I know you don’t, but it’ll be better for you both if you do. Just be honest with him.”

Satoru spends the remainder of the afternoon with Naoya, trying not to think about the stressful evening that lies ahead, filled with difficult conversations and uncertainty. His stomach is in knots and the knots are pulling tighter as the clock ticks closer to 8 o’clock. And before he knows it, it’s time to head back home to see Suguru.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

He gets to his apartment and it’s quiet. Almost too quiet. Satoru doesn’t even know if Suguru is home at this point because as soon as he enters, the lights are off and he doesn’t hear anyone. Satoru calls out into the darkness.

“Hello?” He hears a muffled voice from a distance but can’t make out what it’s saying. “What? I can’t hear you…”

“Are you ready to talk?” The voice comes through a little clearer. Suguru. And he’s in his room. Satoru walks down the hall and stands infront of his door. He swallows the hard lump he feels in his throat and knocks a few times.

“Come in.” Suguru calls out.

“No one else is in there, right?” He asks quietly and hears Suguru sigh in response.

“Just me.” Suguru says plainly. Satoru slowly opens his door and sees him there sitting up on his bed. He had his headphones on with one earcuff off, listening to their shared playlist that has recently been filled with new music. Music that Satoru knows are recommendations from a person he really doesn’t want to think of right now as he’s about to give a raw confession straight from his own heart to the person he loves the most. Suguru pauses the music from his phone and asks him to close the door. Satoru shuts the door and cautiously approaches his bed. He’s sitting there in a white t-shirt that’s a little too big for him and light grey, loose sweatpants. His hair is completely down, bangs falling in front of his face. He looks up and meets Satoru’s eyes. He looks so damn good. Fuck.

“This is gonna be insanely difficult for me. I just want you to know that.” Satoru admits, knowing that it’s going to be difficult in more ways than one. It’s a special gift, seeing Suguru in this raw form, and he loves it despite how strained things currently feel between them.

“I won’t push. I’m here to listen. That’s why I said let me know when you want to talk. I can tell you’ve been bothered.”

“Yeah… you and everyone else. ” Satoru chokes out, still standing there and staring. He’s starting to slightly rock back, anxiously waiting for Suguru to say something. Instead, he blurts out “I’m sorry I’ve been so upset. I know you noticed…practically everyone’s noticed at this point. And, I mean, let’s be honest. I suck at hiding it.” He doesn’t even understand why he’s apologizing, it just feels like the right thing to do in that moment.

“You don’t need to apologize. Here, sit with me .” Suguru points to a spot on his bed, only a few feet away from where he is currently sitting. Satoru nods his head and takes a seat on the edge of the bed with his back turned to Suguru. “Are you going to look at me, Satoru? Or is it easier if you look away?”

“Easier if I look away...” Satoru barely makes out the words but it’s loud enough for Suguru to hear. “ I need to tell you something. ”

“Okay. What is it?”

“You wanna know the truth?” Satoru feels his tongue burning, his throat closing like he’s having an allergic reaction from the words that are trying to escape from his vocal cords. Suguru nods his head, but Satoru can’t see him do it because his back is still turned to him. So he sits in silence, waiting to hear something from Suguru who then finally opens his mouth to speak. 

“Yes, please. I do.”

“The truth is,” He starts, the lump returning to his throat, not allowing the words to escape. He fights to choke the words out of himself, even if its quiet, he needs to admit it out loud. Just say it, dammit. “I-I’m…I….I’m...”

“You’re what ?” Suguru anxiously shoots out, eyes growing wider in anticipation.

“I’m, uh—f uck, I don’t know. . I don’t really know how to say it.” He mumbles the last half of the sentence, but Suguru deciphers it just barely.

“Go on. You know you can tell me anything, really.”

Satoru sighs. “I know, I know. It’s not that…it’s just…it’s…” He wants to give up so badly. Call this conversation quits. Take some steps forward and exit his room, retreating to his safe place on his own place. The words are there, but aren’t there simultaneously. He didn’t think those two things could exist together. He can’t seem to move his mouth to form the syllables he needs to just get it out already . He begins feeling frustrated with himself, pulling his face down with both of his hands. “ Fuck . I can’t say it.”

“Yes, you can. Please, Satoru. I know you can say it. Tell me, what is it that you need to say?”

Satoru is having an internal battle as he pushes his palms against his eyelids. He lets out another heavy sigh and thinks about what Naoya said earlier about what had happened the day before at the movie theatres. He imagines Suguru sitting there with his girlfriend, just the two of them with their mouths and tongues and hands working against each other in the dark. That thought gives the final push Satoru needs, as the rage shoots up and out of him like a volcano, spewing instant lava from his mouth.

“ I’m fucking jealous , okay?” Once it’s out in the open, the rage is gone, replaced by anxiety once again as he waits for a response. Suguru’s eyes open even wider at that,  now with an even more curious expression on his face.

“ Jealous ?” Suguru inquires but he probably already knows where this conversation is headed to.

“Yeah. Jealous. I’m jealous .” Satoru laughs at himself for saying it out loud, even though it’s not funny. Nothing about this is funny, and both men know this. It sounds even more ridiculous voicing it into the air, voicing it to Suguru himself . I mean, this is all because of his girlfriend, afterall. “I don’t even know why I’m laughing. Honestly. It’s not even funny, it’s fucking pathetic .  I’m just an idiot, I guess.”

Suguru’s face turns more serious, his expression trying to show concern. He completely takes his headphones off, despite not having music playing through them for several minutes now. “Don’t call yourself that. You’re not pathetic, or an idiot for that matter, Satoru. Why are you jealous?”

“Do I really have to say it out loud? Are you going to make me?” Satoru sighs, his stomach still churning violently. He hopes he can excuse himself in time if he needs to throw up so he doesn’t make a mess on Suguru’s floor. Or his bed. 

“Yes, I’m going to need you to elaborate so I can understand.”

“I mean, I can say it a million different ways and it will all lead back to one thing. And it’s all because of one person. So, how do you want me to say it?”

“Just say it.” Suguru pleads softly, like he’s expecting to hear something but isn’t sure what it is he wants to hear.

“You don’t understand. You really don’t. It’s going to kill me to say it. Like I’m literally gonna fucking die after I say this out loud. I just want you to know that.” The way Satoru speaks sounds like he’s serious, his pupils blown out and his speech frantic.

Suguru knows this won’t actually kill him. It might suck really, really bad , but he knows he’ll live to tell the tale. “Just say it.”

“ So you want to be responsible for my death then, huh? Are you really going to let me die here in your room, right here, right now, and be framed for murder ? Because I’m gonna die from this. I’m so serious, Suguru .” His eyes are still wide and his voice is laced with panic as he says it. Suguru holds back a smile, knowing that now is definitely not the time for smiles, thinking about how overly dramatic he’s being right now. He tries his best to understand the seriousness of his words.

“Satoru, please just say–” Satoru doesn’t let him finish. He needs to blurt it out while the impulse to ‘just get it over with and do it already’ builds up inside of him.

“ I-I like you. Like really, really like you. Always have. And I wish it could be me instead of her . ” He quietly admits his biggest secret, no longer a secret, and it floats in the air between them.

No matter how soft he tried to land the blow, no matter how gentle he tried to put it out there, his words cut the tension in the air like a knife. He oddly feels instant relief, his best kept secret had just been revealed and it no longer weighed on him. It was freeing. Peace. Freedom. Even if the outcome doesn’t turn out the way that he had always hoped, it set his heart free for that moment. He falls back onto his mattress, as if saying it out loud stole every last bit of energy that was keeping him upright. He closes his eyes and lays there in the silence, a small smile forming on his lips. Heart beating a steady rhythm in his chest. Rapid, but steady. Suguru’s eyes widen again, his heart beating so loud that he swears Satoru can hear it. Satoru feels like his ears are ringing. They feel fuzzy, like there’s cotton balls wedged inside of them. He can’t hear anything really, just the sound of his own rapid breathing beginning to slow down into something more normal and unlabored. The silence is interrupted by Suguru’s voice.

“Satoru, why didn’t you ever tell me this before?” Suguru says with a look of worry and confusion spreading across his face, a look that Satoru can’t see. He’s still laying down, eyes closed, focusing on slowing his breathing. There’s a long pause.

“Would it even have changed anything?” Satoru mumbles in his half-asleep looking state. He’s not tired, but the immense relief he feels allows his body to fully relax for the first time in a long time.

“ Yes, it would have. It would’ve changed everything. ” Suguru says in an assertive tone, like he just found out an important piece of information too late. Way too late.

Satoru assumes the worst. “Like what? You would’ve never agreed to move in together?”

“No, Satoru, what ?! Do you actually think that?” 

Satoru shrugs as he opens his eyes and angles his head to look up at Suguru while still laying on his back. “Well, I dunno. You’ve never told me anything before so I can only assume you don’t feel the same way.”

Suguru shakes his head. “ You’re wrong.”

A smirk forms on Satoru’s face. “Prove it.”

Suguru lets out a sigh. “Do you want me to say it out loud?”

“Yup. Make you suffer the same way I just did.” Satoru is still grinning, eager to hear his confession, if he’s being serious about it.

“I think you made it way easier for me, though. You already did most of the work.” Suguru admits with a tone of guilt in his voice.

“Okay, fine. I just want to hear you say it.”

Suguru takes a breath. And then, it comes off of his lips like nectar. “ I like you, too.” Satoru’s smile growing larger, his cheeks forming a soft pink color on them. “Probably for a lot longer than you have.”

Satoru’s cheeks are burning red with heat. His closes his eyes again as he rests with those words for a moment, and then the smile quickly fades away as he’s reminded of the more recent events that have happened. “I doubt that.” If it were true, we wouldn’t even be here right now.

“Mm, no. It’s true. It wasn’t long after we first met, and that feeling has only grown stronger the more I’ve gotten to know you.” Suguru’s cheeks are pink too, matching Satoru’s, who is still lying down with eyes closed. He turns his head to look at Suguru again and opens his eyes to meet the other man’s gaze.

“If that’s true, then why aren’t we together?”

Suguru hesitates for a moment. Probably a moment too long. “Because I didn’t know how you felt! I’m barely learning all of this right now.”

“Well, now you know .” Satoru replies quickly, as if he already knows where he wants this conversation to go. He starts up again. “So, where do we go from here?”

“Um, as in…… me and you? ”

“I said we, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you did…but do you mean as in being togeth—“

“I obviously want to be with you . I said that earlier. That I wish it were me instead. So now that we’ve confessed to each other, can we be together? Please?” Satoru asks desperately, starting to feel embarrassed and ridiculous for ever asking in the first place. This is slowly becoming more humiliating and painful the longer their conversation carries on.

“Well, I—uh, I don’t know what to say.” Suguru pauses. Before he can even continue, Satoru already has something prepared.

“Well if you like me, too, like you say you do ….then say yes ? Is that so hard for you to do? I’m not understanding why we can’t be together now . I like you and you like me, so…..”

“I can’t just say yes, Satoru. I have to break up with her first.”

Suguru’s right, but Satoru continues to push. “Okay. Easy. Then break up with her. Done.”

Suguru’s expression changes, shifting to something uncomfortable. Satoru has taken notice at the way he’s started to sweat and fidget with his hands. “Things are more complicated than that, though….”

Satoru snaps because complicated? How? He’s not understanding something still. “ What ? Why ? Don’t tell me you actually fucking like her….”

“I mean, not nearly as much—“

“Is it because you slept with her already? Tell me the truth, too. Don’t try and sugarcoat it.” Satoru sits back up and crosses his arms, his body is halfway facing Suguru’s direction. He’s frowning at him, waiting to hear the truth. 

Suguru waves his hands in front of him, denying his claims instantly. “ No, no, it’s nothing like that. We haven’t yet, I promise.”

The ‘yet’ makes Satoru’s gut twist. “Okay, but you’ve kissed ?”

“Of course, Satoru, she’s my girlfriend- –”

“So you say that you didn’t sleep with her, even though you slept with her last night?” Satoru interrogates him, trying to shine a light on the cracks and find his breaking point.

“ No .”  Suguru hesitates, slightly annoyed at the question, and then defends himself with his excuses. “I wasn't with her last night. I went and saw Nanami after. I ended up staying over at his place to give you some space because you’ve clearly been acting different around me for weeks.” 

Satoru feels relieved to hear that, even the slightest bit of relief despite it all, knowing that he didn’t sleep with her last night. That thought had messed with him all night long as he waited and waited for Suguru to come back home. But he didn’t. Suguru continues talking.

“So this is the reason, then, hm?”

“Yeah, this is why. Since you wanted to know so badly. ” Satoru swallows down that hard lump again, and rotates his body more so he’s directly facing Suguru. His eyes meet Suguru’s gaze, a sorry look reflected from his glowing amber eyes. “So yeah, that’s it, I guess. It kinda explains everything. I’m sorry for my behavior, but also, I’m not sorry…because it fucking sucks feeling like this .” 

Suguru treads carefully, wanting to keep the conversation as gentle as possible. “I-I’m not blaming you. I understand, really….”

Satoru grows annoyed as he hears him say that. What could he possibility understand about this situation? He doesn’t get it. He found someone, someone to spend his time with, someone to hold, and to eventually love, and to laugh with, and hang out with, and spend all of this time with. So how could he possibly understand what it’s like to be in Satoru’s shoes? He doesn’t, so Satoru rolls his eyes instead. “I doubt that.”

“Satoru, I already told you that I like you, too. A lot .” Suguru’s cheeks match the same glowing red shade that dusted Satoru’s cheeks earlier in the conversation, when things were going a little smoother than the way they are now.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t mean anything if nothing's going to happen between us. You’re basically rejecting me without saying it.” Satoru spits back, like it doesn’t even matter what he just said.

Suguru quietly responds. “I never rejected you, Satoru.”

“Feels like it. Your excuses for why you won’t just be with me now tell me everything I need to know. I honestly don’t know why I even bothered telling you in the first place.” Satoru wants to kick himself. How could I be so stupid? This conversation isn’t panning out the way he hoped at all.

“Satoru, I want to be with you, okay? Can you just give me some time…. please?” Suguru begs, extending his hand out toward him. Satoru doesn’t move. His gaze flickers down to his outstretched hand and watches as it falls down onto the mattress and rests between them. He looks back up at Suguru.

“This doesn’t make any sense. There’s something else, isn’t there?” Satoru squints his eyes at him, detecting that there’s something that the other man isn’t telling him.

“Wait, what? What do you mean?” Suguru quickly defends, not wanting to back himself into a corner.

“I mean, there’s some reason you won’t just break up with her right this second, isn’t there? Because if it were me, I know I would. She’d already be on the phone, crying probably. Hopefully looking like an ugly mess. And I’d be hanging up and not wasting any more time on her.”

Suguru sighs and responds as softly as he possibly can without showing his growing irritation. “Okay, but that’s you.”

Satoru rolls his eyes and throws his hands up in the air. “I knew it. I fucking knew it. You don’t feel the same way that I do. Because if you even felt a fraction of the way I feel—a fraction, Suguru, it would have already been over with her. End of story.”

Suguru reaches his hand back up toward him, desperate to feel his hand in return, desperate to see any kind of movement or indication that Satoru is reaching toward him. “Satoru, can you please just listen? You haven’t let me explain myself at all. I know you’re hurt, and upset, and you just want to be with me already. Believe me, I do too.” Satoru freezes as he says it, his jaw is clenched, his gaze is locked onto Suguru’s hand, but he remains quiet, allowing Suguru to finally speak more than a few words. “But it’s not that simple.” Satoru rolls his eyes again.

“ Okay . I heard you the first time you said it. Why? Why isn’t it that simple?” 

Suguru blurts it out before it slips away from him again. “Because I’ve never done this before! I’ve never had to break up with someone! We just started dating not long ago….and I just told her I would meet her parents. I even allowed myself to feel something with her for the first time without constant intrusive thoughts of you. I don’t know what the fuck I’m even doing!” 

Satoru is unimpressed. He’s still annoyed and not going to let Suguru off that easy. His explanation doesn’t really explain things. Not in the way that it should explain them, anyway. There’s lots of holes in his logic. And on top of that, he’s annoyed to hear that Suguru actually felt something for her. What the hell, Suguru. He’s about to open his mouth when Suguru continues.

“But I do know one thing. Now that I know how you feel about me, I want to be with you. I do. It’s always been you, okay? Always. I’ve waited for this for so long…. You have no idea. But give me time to end this, please. Please, Satoru. Will you please wait for me, like how I waited for you all these years?”

Satoru sighs. “I guess it depends. How much time do you need? Because I’m willing to wait, but I’m not going to sit around forever like an idiot while you run around delighting her parents and then go on to fuck her.”

“I don’t need a lot of time. I can end it within a few weeks.” Satoru’s jaw drops, because he did not just really say that did he? 

“A few weeks? You’re joking, right?” Suguru doesn't say anything in response but holds the same serious look on his face. Horror spreads across Satoru’s face at the realization. “Oh my god, Suguru. You’re serious , aren’t you? That’s ridiculous . I thought you meant like tomorrow or the next day.”

Suguru stutters, hesitating as he fights to get the words out. “I-I’ll do it this week, then. I will, if that’s what you want.”

“What do you want, Suguru? Because it clearly isn’t me….”

“Please, Satoru. It is you, okay? I do want you. More than anything. I promise. What do I have to do to show you that?”

Satoru is almost hysterical at this point, putting his thumb and index finger on his chin like he’s seriously contemplating this, like he’s using his remaining two brain cells to come up with an answer. “Uh, hmm, let me see, what can Suguru do? I dunno? Do you know? Oh! I’ve got it. How about you break up with her right now ?”

Suguru sighs and shakes his head. “I can’t… Not right now, not like this. It doesn’t feel right.”

Satoru rolls his eyes and sighs with arms crossed. It’s quickly becoming a combination of annoyance and disappointment that he’s growing tired of. He’s really not having it, and this conversation is only pissing him off more at this point. He stays quiet for a long while and then decides that he’s going to try his best to sympathize. He’s calmed down a little bit, and he thinks he can try. Well, not really , truly sympathize, but he knows it’s going to be hard for Suguru regardless of how annoying the whole situation is. It shouldn’t be that fucking hard. 

“You have until Sunday night before 11:59 PM.” Satoru says it like he’s a professor giving him an assignment that will fail him if he doesn’t complete it in time.

Suguru nods like he understands what he must do. “Okay, consider it done. I promise.”

Satoru stares at him for a moment and shakes his head at him before looking up at the ceiling. He’s feeling so angry still and it comes in waves. Violently crashing waves that flood the shores and pull the anger back with it until the next crash where everything rapidly spills in front of him again. He holds back the hot tears that are building up in his eyes. Why do I feel like he’s not going to go through with it?

“Satoru….” Suguru gently says as he notices the emotional toll this is taking on him. But Satoru doesn’t say anything. He just blinks at the ceiling, with each blink slowly pushing down the tears back into his eyes. 

“Goodnight, Suguru.” Satoru says as he stand up from the bed in one swift motion, lightly wiping away tears in one swipe with his forearm, and heads for the door.

“Wait! Please…” Suguru calls out to him, not wanting him to leave yet. “I want to keep talking. Will you stay here with me tonight?” He tries, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“Yeah, I will.” Satoru pauses. “But only if you break up with her right now. ”

Suguru stares at him, his own eyes quivering and debating in that moment if he should just pick up his phone and rip the damn bandaid off already. He hesitates a little too long.

“That’s what I thought. This is why I called myself an idiot. Night.” Satoru says as he turns his back to him and pulls his door shut behind him. Suguru sits up in his bed alone, his eyes filling with tears that threaten to spill over. But Satoru doesn’t see any of that because he’s already in his own room, flopping onto his bed.

He feels all kinds of mixed emotions. He wishes he could kick himself, knowing that Suguru felt the same way all this time . Hindsight is 20/20 , he tells himself. He always hated that saying, but he understands the truth of it now more than he ever has before. He doesn’t understand why it’s so hard for Suguru to just break up with her. He tries thinking of other reasons, other possibilities, other excuses. But he can only come up with the same one over and over, haunting him like a ghost. He must actually have feelings for her. It’s the only explanation, really. If he didn’t care about her, then he would just break up with her already and not give it much else thought. Satoru could understand wanting some time to process things, but asking for 3 weeks? He’s out of his goddamn mind if he thinks he needs three weeks. Maybe Satoru is out of his mind. He feels like it at this point. He’s tired of crying, tired of feeling hurt about this. He thought it would make everything better if he ever heard Suguru confess feelings for him, but now it feels even worse than before. He knows how he feels about him, yet he still won’t drop everything to be with him instead? Suguru’s choice is made clear to him.

Seeing that today is Monday, and it’s already nighttime, it gives him almost a full week to end his relationship. It’s plenty of time, really. Probably too much time. It shouldn’t even take more than a day, but Satoru at least gives him the chance. He deserves that at the very least, despite the fact that there’s lingering doubt. He can’t seem to believe him. Not this time. Seeing his hesitancy was enough to prove to Satoru that he will always be second to her . Always. Satoru feels his phone buzz, but he doesn’t bother checking it. What’s the point? He lets out a heavy sigh and lets his eyes close. At least I can hangout with Naoya this week to pass some time. 

At some point, Satoru falls asleep and doesn’t realize it. His dream quickly turns into another nightmare, except this time he isn’t drowning inside of a car. It’s another nightmare entirely.

Suguru and him are in their exact positions that they were in earlier, both seated on the bed, facing each other only a few feet away.

“Okay, well, my choice is simple. I want you, Satoru.”

He chose me, he really chose me. He wants me.

“I want you, too. Break up with her, please, for me?”

“Of course I will, baby.” Suguru smiles as he pulls out his phone and calls Saki right in front of him. “Hey babe. Yeah, he’s here with me. Are you ready?”

Satoru’s confused. He quickly realizes Suguru isn’t asking him that and is instead asking her. He watches him put the phone on speaker and set it down. He looks into Satoru’s eyes with an evil looking grin spread across his face. 

“This is over between us, Satoru. I never really liked you anyways. It's always been her that I love, and I’m never gonna leave her. It’s always been her that I want, not you. I just wanted to see how pathetic and desperate you really are for me.”

He hears Saki laughing over the speaker phone, giggling and mocking him. “Oh no!!! What’s he gonna do? Is he gonna cry now!? Poor wittle crybaby!”

Satoru tries to shout, tries to yell “Shut up!” but the words are lost. They never exit his mouth no matter how desperate he tries to scream. He tries to hit him, tries to swing at him, but everything moves in slow motion. He tries to move his body and it’s like he’s completely frozen, trapped in his own body listening to the both of them laugh at him. Laugh in his face. 

Satoru jerks upright in a hot flash, his hair damp and stuck to his forehead, his heart pounding, his neck wet with sweat. He’s breathing heavy and loud, like he’s gasping for the first breaths of air after a long time underwater. Fuck these dreams, dude. He’s getting tired of this. He looks at his phone, and sitting on the Lock Screen is the message from Suguru that he didn’t even bother to look at earlier. 

[9:38 PM] Suguru: Goodnight, Satoru ❤️

He ignores it, despite being insanely hard to ignore because of the little red heart staring back at him. He tries not to feel anything as he watches it glow on his screen, tries not to feel happy. He knows this is all going to fail miserably. He just knows it. Instead, he opens his contacts and calls Naoya. It’s only a little after 1 AM so there’s a good chance he’s awake still. He knows that Naoya tends to be a night owl since he closes the bar down so often. The phone rings a few time before he answers.

“Hey, what’s up?” Naoya answers, not even sounding the least bit tired.

Satoru is trying to catch his breath still. His breathing is heavy and being transmitted directly into the phone’s speaker. “Dude, I had such a fucked dream.”

Naoya pauses, and then sounds relieved. “Alright, I’m actually relieved you said that because I was like— is he seriously jerking it right now?”

Satoru laughs. “Don’t flatter yourself. I still swear you like me or something.”

Naoya laughs in response. “Hah, did you dream about me?”

“You wish.” 

Naoya’s tone shifts. “Okay seriously, what’s going on? You good?”

Satoru sighs loudly as his breathing has returned to normal. Mostly, anyway. “I’m so stressed… I’m just… I don’t even know what to say…”

“First things first, did you talk to Suguru?”

“Yeah…..” Satoru groans.

Naoya’s slightly confused but tries to maintain the positivity. “Okay well, good! And what happened?”

Satoru hesitates, not wanting to say it out loud, knowing what kind of response he’s going to get. “Well, he likes me too.”

Naoya lights up instantly. “Even better! Alright so what’s up with the nightmares?”

“No, dude, our talk didn’t go well.” Satoru blurts out before his excitement becomes even more difficult to put a stop to.

Naoya’s not understanding. That’s okay, though, because Satoru isn’t understanding either. “Wait, but you just said he likes you too? So what’s the issue?”

Satoru lets out a heavy breath. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. He won’t break up with her!!”

“Like he wouldn’t break up with her tonight or like, did he mean ever?”

“I mean tonight was a definite no by default. But he wanted me to give him three weeks to do it. Three fucking weeks, Naoya.”

Naoya takes a moment to respond. “Dude, that’s so fucked. I’m sorry…. Is he trying to score a home run with her first or what?”

“Ugh, not cool. Don’t remind me, please….” Satoru covers his face with his hand, like covering his eyes will somehow block out the memory.

“Sorry, I forgot how touchy that subject is. That’s hella annoying. I’m sorry… do you need anything? Need to crash here?”

“No, no. I’m alright, just worked up. Especially because of that nightmare. It was of him and her, just laughing at me and he wouldn’t break up with her. Not much different from my reality, I suppose….”

Naoya pauses for a moment. “Do you remember what I told you before? About how if he can’t see how great of a person he’s had with him this whole time, then it’s his loss? Well, it’s his fucking loss. You’re HOT , Satoru, and I don’t mean that in any specific way so don’t tease me for saying that…..but anyone with two eyes can see that you’re a catch.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah, dude! You hit all the check boxes for women , at least, I’m sure of it. Maybe Suguru is into ugly dudes or something?”

Satoru laughs. “Considering he’s with Saki and she’s drop dead gorgeous, I highly doubt that.”

“Honestly, I didn’t wanna say anything, but she is pretty hot.” Naoya mutters, trying to keep his voice low.

Satoru rolls his eyes, glad that Naoya can’t see him right now. “Thanks for reminding me. God, I hate her.”

“Ehh, you just hate that she gets to have him and you don’t.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“No, it’s not. You probably don’t actually hate her. You just hate the situation and you hate that he wants her more than he wants to be with you.”

Satoru sighs. “Wow, that makes me sound even more pathetic.”

“What, for having feelings for the guy? Can you really blame yourself? I think you’re looking at this wrong.”

Satoru takes a few seconds longer than usual to respond as he contemplates his words. “What do you mean?”

“You’re beating yourself up over something that you have no control over.”

Satoru exhales, not remembering when he held his breath in the first place. “And I’m tired of it…..”

“I know, I’m really sorry. I wish I could give him a pair of glasses so he can see what he’s losing if he doesn’t break up with her. Or better yet, I wish I could bitch slap him for you.”

Satoru laughs for a moment. Yeah, he kinda deserves a bitch slap. “Naoya, he already can’t stand you…. Let’s not make him hate you anymore than he already does.”

Naoya’s voice lights up again. “Oh, so I get under his skin, do I?” He chuckles with his next set of words. “I think we just found an answer to your problem.”

“What?” Satoru asks like he’s confused, not at all seeing an answer to any of this.

“I’ll probably never steal Saki away from him in time, let’s be honest here. Probably wasn’t gonna work. But I could steal you away from him in time? You catch my drift?”

Satoru freezes, trying to decipher the meaning behind this. “What are you getting at?”

“We can make the guy jealous as fuck , if he doesn’t break up with her, that is.” Naoya responds, and Satoru can tell by the way he says it that he’s grinning. He’s seen his face before when they were scheming during the original plan. A plan that never would’ve worked.

Satoru hesitates before speaking. “You mean. like, you’ll be my fake boyfriend?”

“ Exactly. We obviously just have to make it look that way to him, but you don’t have to actually date me. Or buy me shit, or whatever. It just has to appear that way from an outsider’s perspective.”

Satoru smirks. “Dude, you’re evil. But smart….so, so smart.”

Naoya continues. “I mean, we’ve been hanging out and talking recently more anyways so it wouldn’t be hard to make him believe it.” 

“Alright, fiiiine. I’m sold. I’m not kissing you though, sorry . I know you’ll be so disappointed by that.” Satoru teases him, eagerly waiting to hear his response.

“ Yes, I’m so, so disappointed.”

Satoru grins as he tells him, “Shut up.”

“You first.” Naoya shoots back.

“Are you flirting with me, Naoya Zenin ?”

Naoya laughs. “I think you wish I was.”

Satoru laughs, but it quickly dissipates. “Nah, I wish you were Suguru . I wish he’d just willingly offer to be my boyfriend the way that you are. But no…. He’s occupied with other people that make me wanna gouge my eyeballs out.” He sighs at the end of it.

“Why don’t I just help you gouge her eyeballs out?”

Satoru laughs and teases him again. “Because then I might actually fall in love with you for doing such a thing.”

Naoya’s voice turns serious. “You really don’t like her that much, huh?” 

“I told you I hate her . And I meant it.”

“No kidding. Well, get some sleep. Let me know how things go in the morning. I work Wednesday night and the next several nights after that so—“

“Shit, I forgot you’re only off on Mondays and Tuesdays.”

“Yeah, so if you need me tomorrow, I’m available all day. Alright?”

“Okay, thanks.”

“No problem. G’night, Satoru!”

“Goodnight.” Satoru says quietly, but it’s empty. Nothing special behind it. He nestles himself under the covers again, trying to find a comfortable position. Once he finds it, he lies perfectly still and listens. No mumbling sounds can be heard through the walls in their apartment, only silence. Good, he thinks, he must be asleep. It doesn’t take much time for him to fall asleep again, either. He practically does the moment he closes his eyes.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru opens his eyes and hears his phone buzzing uncontrollably. He checks his phone and sees that the group message with all of their friends has blown up. He doesn’t really have the energy right now so he doesn’t bother to comb through all of the messages. It’s only when he hears a soft knock on his door that he picks his head back up. Suguru.

“Come in.” Satoru calls out. He hears the doorknob turn and creak open. 

“Hi.” Suguru begins quietly.

Satoru is not impressed and not at all excited to see him. “What’s up?”

“Are we just pretending that last night didn’t happen, or….?” Suguru trails off, but Satoru quickly yanks him back onto that trail.

“Did you break up with Saki, yet?”

Silence. That will probably shut him up every single time. Satoru quickly learns this and will forever use it as his weapon of choice.

“Working on it…” He mumbles unconvincingly as he fidgets with his hands. “Um, did you see the group messages at all?”

Satoru shakes his head no, and considering he’s still in bed underneath the blankets, Suguru probably already knew that before asking. “No. Should I have?’

“I’ll fill you in, then. There’s a karaoke night at some restaurant that Shoko likes and she’s dragging us all there. Well, if we’re willing to be dragged there…” There Suguru goes again, fidgeting with his hands like he does when there’s something. Something else stirring inside of him.

Satoru can guess what it’s related to. “Hm. Is Saki going to be there?”

Suguru’s eyes look down to the floor. He hesitates, and then quietly responds. “Uhm, yeah, she’s coming.”

Satoru glares at him and rolls his eyes. “ This is what I’m talking about. Count me out. I have better things to do.”

Suguru looks down at him and then around his room. “Like what? Stay here and mope? I told you I’m working on it, Satoru. Please….”

He rotates in bed so he is looking away from where Suguru is still standing in his doorway. “Doesn’t feel like it. She shouldn’t even be going.”

Suguru lets out a sigh as he tries to defend himself yet again, a repeat offender from last night. “I know, I know. But it wasn’t my idea…Shoko had already invited her before she even told me about it. So I had no idea she was coming.”

“Well, why don’t you just stay home with me?” Satoru says softly as he turns back over to face him, his expression turning more gently, his eyes sparkling as he asks Suguru like he’s putting his heart out on the line.

“I–I wish I could. I really do….” 

Satoru’s gentleness immediately shatters like glass. “Then do it? What is she? Your keeper or something?”

Suguru sighs and puts his hand on his face, slowly dragging it down like he’s trying to rip his expression off of his face and give himself a new one. “She’s my girlfriend , Satoru…I’m expected to be there.”

“If she’s going to be your ex-girlfriend this week, then why does it matter? Just tell her you’re sick or something. Better yet, tell her you’re done with her because you’re in love with your best friend.”

Suguru lets out a heavy breath. “I’m never gonna hear the end of it until I do it, huh?”

“Pretty much.” Satoru frowns as he crosses his arms over his chest. “Is that all you came in here for?”

“So, you’re not going, then?” Suguru asks quietly sounding like he’s bummed out by it.

Satoru shakes his head. “Not this time.”

Suguru looks at him for a long moment, something sad resting behind his eyes, as he softly pulls the door shut behind him. Satoru remains in bed for a while, trying to fall back asleep because surely, it’s better than staying awake with this uncomfortable gnawing he feels in his stomach. He wishes he could just break up with her for him , but obviously, he wants it to come from Suguru. He tosses and turns for a while, trying to find a comfortable position so he can drift off to sleep. Right when he finds it, his phone is buzzing and Shoko is calling. He debates answering for a moment and then decides that he will.

“Gojo residence, Gojo speaking.” He answers playful.

“Wait, are you in Kyoto?” Shoko sounds surprised.

“What? Why?”

“ Gojo residence? So you’re visiting your family?”

Satoru laughs. “Ohhh, Shoko. I was just being funny. I’m in my bed, at the apartment.”

Her tone shifts, sounding slightly irritated. “Oh, okay, so you’re ignoring us on purpose then?”

“No,” he corrects. “I’m mourning.”

“Mourning?” She sounds confused as she asks him.

“Yeah, my own death. I’m tired, Shoko….I told Suguru how I felt last night.”

“ You did!?” She shouts, her tone both surprised and excited. “ And!?! What happened!? Spill!”

This feels like a repeat of his conversation with Naoya earlier. “Well, he says he feels the same….”

Shoko’s voice immediately brightens, carrying massive amounts of positive energy behind it. “Oh my God, Satoru!!! I knew it–”

“Don’t get too happy, because he’s still with Saki. And I highly doubt he’s breaking up with her anytime soon….”

She calms herself as she responds. “You don’t think that he will? Even though he admitted his feelings for you?”

“I’m giving him til Sunday night, but I’m not holding out hope.”

Shoko frowns on the other end of the line. “Satoru, don’t be so pessimistic. You know, I always had a feeling that he likes you. I always felt it, you know what I mean?”

“Shoko, don’t be so overzealous. It doesn’t even matter. You invited Saki to karaoke tonight, and I’m not saying that it’s your fault or anything, but it’s another night that the two of them will be together. And I don’t wanna be there to see them ogling over each other.” He hears silence from the other line for a moment. A moment that’s a little too uncomfortably long. Then, he hears her voice again.

“Um, Satoru…..I have a question. Who exactly told you that I invited her?” Shoko asks cautiously, knowing this is not going to end well.

“Suguru did, why?” As soon as he says it, everything clicks, linking itself together. It’s unseeable. 

He falls silent the exact moment he realizes it. It’s like dropping a glass object in a perfectly still room. The moment the object impacts the floor, a glass that was once beautiful and a solid object, explodes and shatters into a million pieces. Never to be put back together again. It shatters in a way that it is not salvageable. In a way that no matter how many hours you spend putting every single fragment back in its place, it will never look the same ever again. There will always be missing shards, missing pieces. The object will never look the same, never be the same. And there’s absolutely nothing that can be done about it.

“I didn’t invite her, Satoru. He did. And I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear….”

That’s exactly how Satoru feels the moment that he realizes Suguru lied to him. He lied. He holds his breath, not even realizing it at first, and he holds it so long that he starts feeling lightheaded and dizzy before noticing that he’s not breathing. He’s gasping for air, he feels like he’s choking, like he’s dying. He can’t breathe. Surely, this must be how death feels.

“Satoru? Are you there?”

He’s breathing heavily now, falling into full panic. He’s struggling to catch his breath. His vision blurs, he feels like he can’t make it through this. His head is pulsing, temples throbbing. His stomach that had already been twisting in knots all this morning is surely about to explode. He hopes it does. This is not salvageable and he knows it. He can’t think of anything else other than the fact that this is not salvageable. This cannot be saved. Cannot be remedied. He fucking lied, that asshole. 

“Satoru, you’re scaring me. I can hear that you’re there….but are you okay?”

Satoru doesn’t say anything. He lies there, perfectly still, hoping that death takes him before Suguru ever steps another foot into his room again, ever says another word to him every again, ever even tries to knock on his door ever again. He lies there and says nothing. He can’t. Every bit of willpower, every bit of strength inside of him has left him. He’s pale, ghost-white, hands shaking and clammy, chest soaked with sweat and heaving with each breath, pupils blown out. He hopes this panic attack kills him– and kills him quickly .

Shoko has long since hung up. She had stayed on the line with him for several minutes but grew more worried since he hadn’t said anything else. She knew he must’ve been panicking, must’ve been in shock from the realization that Suguru had invited Saki and lied about it to him. She had thought momentarily about asking Suguru to check up on him but quickly decided against it, knowing that it would only make matters worse. She felt absolutely horrible for him, picturing how it must feel to be in his position. Her heart aches for him, and she completely understands why Satoru won’t be showing up at karaoke night. She gives him the space he needs and Satoru takes it. He’s still laying there, motionless, eyes blinking with tears leaking out from both eyes. A steady stream that’s constantly flowing. A heart that doesn’t stop hurting. Pain is all he feels, and as much as he tries to become one with it, it’s all consuming. He can’t even pick his phone back up to call Naoya. So he lays there, alone, in silence, listening to the lively hum of busy life in the city taking place right outside his window as he lies there feeling so dead on the inside. Surely, this must be death.

Chapter Text

Satoru doesn’t want to get up from his bed just yet, so he doesn’t. He stays there, drifting in and out of sleep, watching as the patterns and shapes of the sunlight beaming through his window change as the day moves forward. He had already heard Suguru leave the house, and thankfully, he didn’t say anything else to Satoru, or he might’ve exploded on him for blatantly lying to his face. He lied to me like it was nothing. Satoru is still angry about it, still hurt about it, still feels ridiculous about it. It feels humiliating to him to have put himself out there only to be strung along with ‘ I want to be with you’ and ‘wait for me.’ It infuriates him more the longer he spends thinking about it. He still hasn’t checked his phone yet today, despite feeling it vibrate on and off throughout the first part of the day.

Almost as if on cue, the moment he thinks about calling Naoya, his phone starts buzzing continuously. Someone’s calling him. Please don’t be Suguru. Please don’t be Suguru. He doesn’t want to face him, not now, not ever really. What more does he have to say to him? Exploding on him won’t change anything, even if it were to make Satoru feel better momentarily. He reaches for his phone that had remained untouched for hours as he peeks at the name that appears on the screen. It’s Naoya . Satoru lets out a breath that he forgot he had been holding in.

“Heyyy.” Satoru lazily greets.

“So, Satoru Gojo lives to see another day, huh?”

“Barely.” Satoru mumbles, sounding like he’s groggy from sleep still. The energy is completely drained from him, and he can hardly stand to talk right now. His throat feels dry from a lack of use, and his voice sounds scratchy.

“I’m guessing you slept the whole day?”

“Mhm. Something like that.” Satoru replies, finally sitting up in his bed, feeling the weight of gravity for the first time today.

“You sound like you need an energy boost. So let me give you a proposition.”

“Mmhm. Go on.” Satoru can’t let himself feel happy, not with his head still swirling over Suguru. Not right now. Not with what he knows.

“Come over in a bit, and we can play Smash again, maybe do Smashdown? And then you and I are going out later. No more feeling sad about Suguru. You still gotta live your life, too.”

Satoru thinks about it for a moment. Super Smash Bros is fun, especially playing against Naoya, but maybe he’s not in the mood for fun. Maybe he won’t have a good time if he goes feeling like this. “I don’t really wanna go out tonight. I don’t feel like it.” 

“You’d rather go back home and continue sleeping?”

“Pretty much, yeah.”

Naoya sighs. “It’s not gonna do you any good being at home alone and driving yourself insane over this.”

“I’m already insane over this.”

“Yeah…I know. Which is why I want us to go out and keep your mind off this.” Naoya remains quiet for a minute when Satoru doesn’t respond, but it feels like 5 minutes. There’s just silence between the two phone lines, and it’s never felt louder. He continues. “Can I be honest with you for a minute?”

“Go ahead. I don’t think I can feel any worse than how I currently feel.”

“I know I already told you twice now about how if Suguru can’t see what he has, that it’s his loss… But you ’re gonna have to let go of him, too, if it comes to it.”

Satoru lets out a heavy sigh. “I gave him until Sunday night to break up with her, so if he can’t do it by then, well… then, I don’t know.” He doesn’t say anything else, so Naoya continues.

“Have you ever heard the saying that the tighter you hold sand, the more it slips through your fingers? Well, Suguru is the sand. To me, it kinda sounds like he’s moved on already. He doesn’t have to break up with her. And pushing him to do it is only going to make things worse for you when he doesn’t end up doing it. And if he’s okay with that, you have to learn to be okay with that, too.”

Satoru doesn’t really say anything, but Naoya swears he hears him hum through the line.

“Look, I understand you’re jealous of her. Your situation fucking sucks. Anyone else would feel the same as you. But he’s not really doing anything wrong, my bias aside, because we both know I wanna kick his ass for making you feel like shit.” Naoya lets out a sigh as he pauses for a moment, and then picks right back up. “He made the decision to date someone else…. a shitty decision, if I may say so , but it’s still his decision . Satoru….if he doesn’t choose you, then you can choose to find happiness with someone else if you want to.”

Satoru’s throat feels tight, and he’s holding back tears that are threatening to spill from his eyes. He is so, so exhausted from crying over this. What hurts the most is that everything he said is true. Suguru doesn’t have to break up with her, even if he does reciprocate feelings for him. He doesn’t owe him anything. He didn’t owe it to him to tell Satoru about her in the first place, he didn’t owe him intimate details about whether they’d kissed or had sex yet, he didn’t owe him explanations as to why he didn’t come back home. He didn’t owe him apologies, he didn’t owe him discussions, he didn’t owe him goodnight texts, he didn’t owe him absolutely anything . He was just another human. Just another living, breathing human who exists in this world alongside Satoru. Another human who has spent years next to him, sharing laughs and making memories, moving forward in life alongside him like two parallel lines never meant to cross, and never someone who owed him anything.

Suguru had the ability to choose. He could choose how much information he wanted to disclose to him, he could choose how he wanted to spend his time, he could choose his actions and his decisions, and his conversations. He could choose all of it if he really wanted to. And yes, his choices impact others, but ultimately, those choices and those consequences are his to determine. 

The ability of choice alone was a gift, determining the course of his future, Satoru’s fate resting in his own hands. It didn’t feel like a gift to Satoru at all, but once he truly understood this after listening to Naoya, he wiped away a stray tear that had escaped from each of his eyes and settled on something. I shouldn’t be forcing him to choose me when he already made his choice. 

And Satoru has the ability to choose. He can allow this to ruin his day, ruin his week, or his month, or ruin his life if he allows it to. He can choose to remain caught up in the idea that he and Suguru will become something one day. Or he can choose to let it go, choose to move forward and live his own life, choose someone else. That last part makes Satoru uncomfortable. He can’t even imagine himself falling for someone else, not when it’s been only Suguru for so long. It feels inherently wrong and he doesn’t believe he will ever choose to do that. But he can choose to stop torturing himself over this, can choose to have a better rest of his day and surround himself with the support of his friend. It has the power to make him feel better, even just a tiny bit, and he can choose that if he allows himself to. 

“Are you still there?” Naoya asks carefully like he’s trying not to disrupt him while he’s deep in thought. 

“Mm.. yeah, uh, I’m here. Just in thought. You’re right, though….. about all of it. I should just move on with my life…. call it off. No point in pressuring him to do it if he’s not ready to leave her. So thanks for making me realize that.” Satoru says it calmly, like voicing it out loud will make himself more at peace with it. He doesn’t bother telling Naoya about how he lied this morning about inviting her to karaoke because it didn’t matter anymore whether Suguru was in the wrong or not. Suguru already made his choice. And it would only serve to strengthen the argument that he doesn’t plan on leaving Saki anytime soon, if ever. 

“You’re welcome. I didn’t mean to make you think that you have to call anything off, especially not right now. I just want you to think about everything, okay? I’m sorry if I was too harsh...”

“Nah, you weren’t. It’s alright, you don’t have to apologize for anything. And I’ll take you up on your offer today. It’ll probably make me feel better, so...” Satoru says, trying to sound lighter and more cheerful like he wasn’t just about to cry a few minutes prior. Naoya notices and wants to make sure he’s okay. 

“Hey, um, it’s okay to feel sad about all this…. Don’t feel like you have to hide it, especially from me . Your friendship with him has changed now that he spends his time with someone else, and it’s okay to mourn that loss.”

“Thanks, but I’ll be fine.” Satoru says, still feigning a more cheerful tone. “I have you now.”

Naoya hesitates for a moment. “Just know I’m here for you. And I mean that….”

“I appreciate it.” He lets out a heavy sigh. “Well, I guess I should leave my bed for the first time today and get moving. Got a lot of stuff to take care of, myself included, before I head over.”

“Sounds good. See you later, then?”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know when I’m headed your way.”

They wrap up the phone call and then before he knows it, he’s up on his feet, standing next to his window. He peers through the slits of the blinds, watching all the people outside pass by their busy street on foot. Everyone is so alive, everyone is so busy . I need to stay busy, too. It didn’t help that there were still several weeks left until Fall semester would start. This upcoming one was going to be a busy one. He had been dreading it for a while, but today, right in this moment, he’s never felt happier about having a full schedule of difficult courses. He only has 1 mutual class scheduled with Suguru, some kind of psych course, but he’s sure he can survive a single class with him. Fortunately, he won’t have to worry about that for a while. I’ll figure it out when it comes to that point.

He heads to the bathroom to start the water for his shower. He turns the handle and waits for the water to run hot. As he steps into the warm water, it washes over him and cleans him, like it is rinsing all of the dirt away from his situationship with Suguru. He exhales, and feels like he can breathe again for a minute. He feels clean, he feels like a new person— if only for a few minutes. A shower has never felt so good in weeks, so he takes his time, scrubbing his hands that have held Suguru’s, scrubbing his arms that have wrapped around his body, scrubbing his head that has leaned against his shoulder. He had read somewhere that every 7 years, the body completely regenerates all of its skin cells meaning that one day, he’d have a body that never touched Suguru. It relieves him more than it saddens him— if only for a few minutes. 

He quickly dries himself off and freshens himself up in the bathroom. He begins by applying deodorant, brushing his teeth and using mouthwash, spraying some cologne around his neck and shoulders. He brushes his hair, still wet, lightly styling it until it looks exactly how he wants it. Once he’s satisfied, he heads to his closet with just a towel wrapped around his waist. He carefully selects an outfit for the day, one that is casual but still nice enough for a night out. He quickly slips that on and flashes a smile at himself in the mirror. His eyes still look puffy, lingering from this morning’s tears, but he feels better than he did and that’s all that matters. He lets out a deep breath and pockets his phone, grabbing his keys before heading out of his house.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

The sound of buttons mashing fills the air in Naoya’s living room. Both men are locked in, eyes glued to the screen, sitting on the same couch with laser focus. For this smashdown round, Satoru is playing King K. Rool and Naoya is playing as Donkey Kong.

“Quit cheesing me with that stupid move.” Naoya warns him, his voice brimming with irritation.

“Why? Can’t handle it, Zenin?” Satoru teases, knowing it’ll piss him off even more calling him by his last name.

“Dude, you’re so annoying .” Naoya shoots back immediately.

“Thanks, I try.” Satoru pokes back as he continues pummeling Naoya’s character. The buttons are being mashed even harder, sounding even louder with the desperation of winning the whole match after this round. Satoru continues repeating the same crown tossing move over and over again. Naoya can’t avoid it every time and he’s getting pissed. During the whole match, they’ve been fairly equal, neck to to neck. But this round has been so unfair, well, to Naoya that is.

“Is that the only move you know!?” 

“It’s working, isn’t it?” Satoru grins as he says it, buttons continually being mashed. Naoya loses another stock and lets out a loud sigh.

“So fucking dumb.” He mutters under his breath. “My controller isn’t working right or something.”

“Uh huh, sureee .” Satoru says still grinning, knowing he’s about to win now that he’s up two stocks and Naoya is on his last one.

“If you win, it doesn’t count. Just know it’s not a real win. Learn some actual skills instead of pressing random buttons.”

“Wow, did you just admit that I’m beating you by pressing random buttons!? You must really suck, Zenin!” Satoru laughs as he says it, grabbing Donkey Kong by his furry neck and tossing him over the edge of the stage. Naoya’s face is searing with rage as he lets out a loud and aggravating sigh. He attempts to recover on the ledge, but King K. Rool slams him back down to the depths of hell before he can grapple onto it. “ Oooo , tough luck.” 

“ Shut the hell up .” Naoya snaps as he throws his controller down on the couch and crosses his arms. Satoru has a grin from ear to ear, knowing he redeemed himself in today’s match. He’s entertained by the sight of Naoya becoming so angry. It’s a side of him that he rarely sees, considering he’s always calm and level-headed. Arrogant at times, but calm. He stands up from the couch, releasing another heavy sigh. “I need to smoke.”

Satoru watches as he heads over toward the balcony and slides the glass door open, fumbling in his pocket for his pack and lighter. After a minute, Satoru stands up and heads over to join him. Before stepping out onto the balcony, Satoru pokes his head outside.

“Can I join you, or are you still mad at me?”

“I had the upper hand almost the entire game. You shouldn’t have won. That was cheap as fuck.” Naoya says, his voice still laden with frustration. Satoru fights back a smile, amused that he’s still so pissed off over this. He steps outside and shuts the door behind him, finding his place next to Naoya.

“You sure take this seriously, don’t you?”

“I don’t lose, Satoru… I never lose . I’m used to kicking everyone’s ass in this game all the time. And I was kicking yours, until the last few rounds. And that last round was just—just, so stupid. I can’t believe that’s how I lost…” He lights his cigarette and quickly inhales, making sure to turn his head away from Satoru when he exhales.

“Want me to let you win next time?” Satoru says, still grinning.

“Obviously fucking not.” He snaps back as he takes a long drag of his cigarette.

Satoru looks at him, still feeling amused by how tickled he is over this. “You know, I’m learning new things about you every day, Naoya.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” He says after blowing out a cloud of smoke.

“I dunno.” Satoru smiles at him, noticing the way his cheeks are a little red. “I think you look kinda cute when you’re mad.”

Naoya rolls his eyes at him, the redness on his cheeks turning a shade deeper. “Wrong time to flirt.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll dismiss myself then. Come find me when you’re done smoking, yeah?” Satoru says as he flashes him a smile and turns to head back inside. 

“Wait, you don’t have to go. You can be out here with me if you want….”

Satoru looks back and raises an eyebrow at him. “You actually want the guy who gave you your first loss to stay out here with you?”

“ Yeah, actually, I do . There’s a ledge out here that I can toss you over and you won’t be able to recover.” Naoya says jokingly, but probably closer to half-jokingly.

Satoru laughs and shakes his head. “In that case, I’m safer inside. Enjoy your little smoke break.”

Naoya doesn’t say anything else as he inhales sharply on his cigarette that’s pressed between his lips. Satoru slips back inside and starts putting away the two controllers they had used, assuming that they probably won’t be touched again today, or ever again, maybe. He sits back down on the couch and picks up the remote for the TV, looking through the various apps on the home screen and landing on Prime Video. He takes a peek at the library of movies that Naoya has. He remembers when he and Suguru used to pick random, extremely low-budget films on Prime and rate them on a scale of 1 to 10. They’d make commentary like they were professional movie critics and it was always so much fun, laughing at the terrible acting and corny scenes. It was one of the things he missed doing with Suguru the most. One of the things they would no longer get to do. He starts to feel a wave of sadness crash over him when the balcony door slides open and Naoya is stepping back inside, as if on cue.

“Alright, so we’re going out tonight, right?” He says, looking down at his phone and not up at Satoru.

“Yeah. Um, are we good now?” Satoru asks, making sure the tension between them is gone. Naoya ignores his question and continues looking at his phone instead, standing near the balcony door still while scrolling mindlessly. After a few minutes, he nods his head and speaks. 

“Wanna go to a nightclub? It’s only a few blocks away and it shouldn’t be too crazy on a Tuesday night. There’s supposed to be a great DJ playing tonight, too.”

“I’ve never been but I don’t care, I’ll go wherever. Whatever you wanna do.”

“I say we go. It’ll be fun, and…..doors open at 9 pm.”

“Wow, that’s so late. On a Tuesday?”

“Oh, is that too late?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. But seeing that it’s only 6 pm, we have time to kill.”

“Did you wanna go somewhere else until then? 

Satoru shrugs. “Up to you.”

“We could pre-game, you know? Like go to a bar first and shoot the shit, ‘cause showing up right when the doors open is a cardinal sin anyway.”

“Why don’t we eat something first? Liquor and an empty stomach don’t mix. And you already know how much of a lightweight I am.”

Naoya laughs at that because how could he ever forget? “Alright, I’m down for that. Do you have a spot in mind?”

“Not really, but can we avoid going to the same restaurant that my friends are gonna be at? That’s my only request….”

“Wait, your friends invited you out tonight and you turned them down? Why didn’t you want to go with them?”

“Wanna take a wild guess why? And no , it’s not because it’s karaoke night.”

“I’m guessing it’s not just your friends. Suguru is going too, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, and she is too.” Satoru rolls his eyes as he says it.

“Damn, I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t go…. It’s not fair that you have to miss out on seeing your friends because of them .”

“Something I’ll have to get used to, I guess.”

“You know, if he stays with her, you can’t avoid them forever. She’ll probably be at your house more often in the near future.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. That’s why I’d rather avoid her now while I still can.”

Naoya is resting his chin in his hands like he’s contemplating something. He takes a long pause before speaking again. “You wouldn’t want to join your friends tonight, even if I’m there with you?”

Satoru is silent for a moment as he considers it. Technically, the evening could go smoother with Naoya present and it would allow him to still hang out with his friends, to not miss out on what is surely going to be a fun night, regardless of Suguru and his girlfriend's ever-annoying presence. He’s hardly seen any of his friends, other than Shoko when she came over the last time, and he knows there’s a part of him that will feel upset missing out. But something gnawing at him tells him that it’s not a good idea and the gnawing feeling is so strong that he dismisses the idea altogether. Today was the first day he had ever considered moving on, and seeing the two of them together would probably reset any progress he’s made mentally. It wouldn’t be good for me. Not tonight.

“I appreciate it and all, but I’d rather just hang out with you tonight. I think I’ll have a better time with you anyway, if I’m being honest.” And Satoru is being honest. If his stomach were constantly twisting and turning from having to watch the two of them interact all night long, it would outweigh the excitement and joy of the time spent with his friends anyway. At least with Naoya, he’ll have a predictably fun night without worry.

“Alright, I just thought I’d offer in case you changed your mind about going. It bothers me that he gets to have his cake and eat it too.”

“Yeah, well, that makes two of us.” Satoru sighs and pauses for a moment before speaking again. “Thanks for not letting me be alone in this.”

“No problem. Alright, so where are we going to eat?”

“Hmm, I could go for some sushi right now. Is that fine?”

“Yeah, there’s actually a good place close by that I’ll take you to.”

“Okay cool! This is our first time eating together, huh?”

Naoya smiles and teases him. “Yup. It’s our first date.”

Satoru laughs and pokes his cheek. “I swear you have a crush on me.”

His response makes Naoya roll his eyes and smile. He pushes his hand out of the way. “And what if I did?”

“Well, I wouldn’t blame you because I’d like me too if I were you. I’m a Gojo, so you know, I’m kind of a big deal.”

“You’re so full of yourself, it’s unbelievable.” Naoya says as he shakes his head at him.

“Only sometimes.” There’s a moment of silence between them, and something inside of Satoru clicks. Why is he single? He’s pretty damn cute, and I’m sure he could get any girl he wants with that cheeky personality of his. 

“Hey, um, so why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“I, uh—I don’t really date anymore. Just the occasional hook up.”

“Oh. You don’t want to settle down just yet, or what?”

“No, it’s not that…. I had my heart broken pretty badly several years ago, and I can’t bring myself to date again.”

“You don’t get attached to the girls you hook up with?” 

“No, not really , anyway. I avoid hooking up with the same girl twice so I don’t catch feelings.”

“I see.… were you in love with your ex?” Satoru asks, wondering if he had ever been in love before.

“Maybe, but I don’t like to think about that, though, because that would mean I already lost the love of my life.”

“You don’t think you could find someone new that you’ll grow to love even more?”

He shakes his head and casts his eyes downward. “No, I don’t think so…”

“Wow, I’m sorry…. I don’t know what to say. That must’ve been really hard for you.”

“It’s fine, really. I’ve gotten used to it. Like I said, it’s been several years now.”

Satoru doesn’t push anymore, even though he wants to know what happened. What could’ve happened that was so bad that he never wants to date again? He figured if Naoya had wanted to tell him, he would have. It was the perfect opportunity for him to open up when asked about it, but he didn’t elaborate. It must still hurt him to talk about. He wonders if it will be that way for him and Suguru. He nods his head and decides to change the subject. The air around them feels too heavy, different than how it usually feels between them.

“Ready to head out?”

“Never been more ready. Let’s go.” Naoya grabs his keys off the counter and makes his way to the front door. Satoru trails behind happily, glad that they’re changing to another environment. Even though Naoya’s house is usually comfortable, there have been lots of difficult conversations taking place recently. Eating some dinner and having a nice night out afterwards sounds like it’ll lift both of their spirits.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

By the time Satoru is stumbling through his apartment door, it’s past 2 AM. He paced himself with the drinks this time, more than last time anyway, and he’s lucid enough to know where he is now, despite still being drunk. Plus, Naoya was keeping an eye on his consumption and ensuring he wasn’t getting too carried away. He can’t remember much of their night. It had all started blurring together at a certain point. He remembers how warm it was inside the nightclub, sweaty bodies moving to the beat around him as he downed another cold drink and eventually joined in. He remembers the loud music blaring and bumping through the speakers, and he remembers that Naoya had spent half the night talking to and dancing with a girl he had met. He ended up leaving with her when it was time for them to head out. It made Satoru smile, knowing that his friend made everything look so easy and carefree. Naoya truly is skilled at talking to women, and Satoru doesn’t understand how he pulled off such a thing so quickly. Satoru had several girls ask him if he was with anyone, but he politely declined, not yet ready to dive into uncharted territory. He wonders if he should have taken a chance, if he should have tried dancing with one of them, if he should have allowed it to progress any further than that. Too much to think about right now. I just need to sleep.

His apartment is silent, so silent that he can’t even tell if Suguru is back home or not. He doesn’t really care right now anyway. Home or not, he spent his evening with Saki at that restaurant’s karaoke night, and he was still a liar. Satoru tries not to hold grudges, but sometimes, he can’t help it when he feels so wronged internally. He kicks off his shoes and makes his way to his bedroom, not even trying to keep all of the noise he’s making down. Whatever. He makes it to his bed and practically faints on top of it. His body needs rest right now, especially from the combination of the day’s emotional stress and an exciting night full of liquor and dancing by himself amongst the crowd. The second he shuts his eyes, he’s out like a light, fast asleep and snoring deeply. 

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

When he opens his eyes again, the sun is peeking through the slits in his blinds, scattering rays across the floor of his room. The first thing he notices is the sweet, doughy smell wafting through the air. Pancakes? Someone is cooking. He hopes it’s Suguru who’s cooking and not an unwanted guest. He rubs his eyes gently and turns to his side, reaching for his phone. It’s already almost 11 am, and as much as he wants to stay in bed forever, it’s time to begin his day. He swings his heavy-feeling legs over the side of the bed and carefully stands up, ensuring that he takes his time so he doesn’t stumble. He oddly doesn’t feel hungover this morning, mainly groggy. He stretches his arms high above his head and holds them there, feeling the sensation of each individual muscle fiber being pulled gently. He yawns immediately after and then walks over to his door, heading for the kitchen.

He makes it to the kitchen and sees Suguru standing in front of the stovetop with a spatula in his hand. His long, raven hair still looks damp like he had just showered. His back is turned to Satoru, so he doesn’t notice his presence when he enters the kitchen. So it is pancakes… I knew it. There’s a plate with a small stack of pancakes next to the stove and there are two more pancakes actively cooking on the griddle. Suddenly, Satoru feels like he shouldn’t be here. He doesn’t want to eat his pancakes, because that would mean that Suguru won, wouldn’t it? It would make him think that he’s got a chokehold on Satoru, a leash. And Satoru doesn’t owe him anything, the same way Suguru doesn’t owe him anything. I don’t want his pancakes.

As if on cue, Suguru turns halfway around and notices Satoru is standing there, staring at him while he cooks. He clears his throat and speaks up.

“Good morning, Satoru.”

“Morning.” Satoru says, not trying to engage in conversation.

“I’m not quite done yet, but I wanted to make you something special this morning.” He smiles at him, hoping he’ll take notice that he’s making his favorite breakfast item.

“For…. me ? But why?”

“I missed you last night. But I understand why you didn’t want to go…. so, I figured that I could make it up to you and spend the morning with you, if that’s alright?”

Satoru shakes his head in disbelief. “I don’t understand you. You don’t make any sense…”

Suguru is trying, he’s really trying. “It’s not much, but I know how much you love pancakes and I–”

“Yeah, thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want any .” Satoru looks away, an annoyed expression on his face. He knows Suguru is trying, but it doesn’t matter. He’s still a liar.

“But Satoru, you love pancakes.” He protests as he flips the two pancakes over, cooking the other side until they’re golden brown.

Not when you make them for me. Not right now. “Not really anymore.” He shrugs and scratches his head. 

Suguru shakes his head at him. “I don’t believe you. The Satoru I know would never reject pancakes….”

I’m not rejecting pancakes, dammit. I’m rejecting you. He continues to scratch his head. “I’m, uh, actually gonna get breakfast somewhere in a bit with a friend. So, I’ll see you later.” 

“Oh. It’s not Naoya, is it?”

Satoru pauses for a moment and decides to lie. Now we’re even. A lie for a lie. “Yeah, actually. So I’m gonna go shower now. Thanks anyway.”

“Wait… are you acting like this because I haven’t broken up with her yet?” He says as he puts more batter on the griddle, making two more pancakes despite the fact that Satoru just declined his breakfast.

“I’m fine, never been better, actually. Hope you had a fun night out with her and everyone.” Satoru says it emotionlessly, like he doesn’t really give a shit if he had a good night or not. He’s still a liar. 

“I did,” Suguru admits, and then pauses before speaking. “I, um, heard you come in pretty late.”

“Yeah, it was pretty late…. Did I wake you up or something?’

“No, um, not at all. I was still awake. I’m just glad you made it home safely. I was beginning to worry, that’s all.”

“I’m fine on my own. That’s something you don’t need to worry about anymore.” Satoru rolls his eyes as he says it.

“You know, you’re acting so cold to me this morning. I can’t really help that I worry… You know how I feel about you, Satoru.”

Satoru can’t hold his tongue any longer. “Then why did you lie to my face yesterday morning?”

Suguru freezes. The pancakes need to be flipped, but he can’t seem to move a muscle in his body.

“Yeah, I know you’re the one who invited her last night. Fucking dick. ” Satoru spits out and it feels so good. “I would’ve gone otherwise, and you know it.”

“Satoru, I’m sorry, okay? What was I supposed to do? She’s my girlfriend, and if she had found out that I went without her, it would’ve—“

“You keep saying the same thing over and over.” Satoru rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in front of his chest, shaking his head at him in annoyance.

“I swear! It’s the only reason I invited her. I knew if I didn’t–”

Satoru cuts him off with, “Don’t even bother breaking up with her anymore.”

“You don’t seriously mean that, do you? Please don’t say that. Satoru, you said I have until Sunday night. It’s barely Wednesday. Please just give me the chance to do it. It hasn’t even been two days.”

Satoru rolls his eyes again. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Suguru notices too late that the pancakes are burning. He quickly flips them and sees two black circles staring back at him on the griddle. 

“ Fuck.” He mutters under his breath. Satoru is standing there still, debating whether he should just go and take his shower now. Their conversation about this always seems to go in circles and piss him off even more, so he decides to walk away.

“I’m gonna go take my shower now,” Satoru calls out from over his shoulder as he’s already moving toward the bathroom. Suguru doesn’t respond, likely giving him his space. Or maybe he doesn’t know what to say, so he doesn’t say anything more.

He takes a quick shower and doesn’t waste any time getting ready for his day. Fortunately, he went straight to his room after finishing up in the bathroom, so he didn’t have to see Suguru again. He grabs his keys and his sunglasses, quickly shoving them into his pocket. He hesitates before leaving his room, his eye catching onto his desk that had been collecting dust from a lack of recent activity. Instinctively, he grabs a fresh sheet of paper and picks up his favorite light blue pen, the one that has written miles upon miles of his feelings through the years, and decides to sit down for a few minutes. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? 

He knows what he needs to write. The words have been swirling in his head all morning after they were first brought to light yesterday. I have to tell him. His heart picks up its pace, and he swears he can hear it thumping in his ears. He doesn’t know why he feels so nervous about it. It’s not like he’s breaking up with him, or anything close to it, but choosing to call everything off feels a lot like slamming a door shut and locking it without looking back. So how does he do this? He begins by taking a deep breath, and then his hand starts moving automatically, like the words were being channeled directly through his fingertips and transferred onto the blank sheet in front of him. It isn’t long before he’s written a block of text, and he reads over it to make sure he got his point across. 

Suguru,

I know I said that you have until Sunday night to break up with Saki, but I’m taking back what I said. There’s no more deadline, and there will be no more pressure from me. I’m not interested in being with you anymore, so you don’t have to do that. I wish you the best and hope that it works out between you two. No hard feelings. My mind is already made up, so please let this be the last thing that’s ever said about this. We can still be friends and roommates, but it shouldn’t come as a shock to you if I’m not around as much anymore. I think we could both use more space. 

Satoru

It’s perfect. It’s messy yet clear, painful yet beautiful, loud yet quiet. And it will take the pressure off Suguru. Satoru wishes that things were different because they could have been different. But he continually reminds himself that Suguru made his choice and now Satoru has made his. It makes him feel good knowing he was taking some power back into his hands. He could have allowed Suguru the full week to do it, but he had already made up his mind that he wasn’t going to go through with it. Satoru isn’t even sure if he wanted Suguru to go through with breaking up with her after he lied. It really irritated Satoru that he didn’t just tell him the truth, even if the only reason he invited her was to avoid a fight with her or something along those lines. 

He decides that Suguru likes her too much to leave her, and that’s just something that Satoru has to learn to live with. He doesn’t end the letter with “love, Satoru” like he used to always write at the end of the letters to him. Just “Satoru”. He figures it’s best that his letter be direct to prevent Suguru from begging him to change his mind. It would be too painful for Satoru to witness him beg, and if he’s being honest with himself, he’s scared that he might give in. Maybe he wouldn’t even beg at all. There are no small doodles on the edges, not like the letters that he had always given him before. Nothing. Just a short, simple, to-the-point letter that sets Suguru free. 

When Satoru exits his room, he figures that Suguru must still be eating. He quickly folds up the letter he wrote and slides it underneath Suguru’s door. There. It’s done now. He lets out a heavy sigh and heads toward the front door, trying his best not to acknowledge that he can see Suguru from the corner of his eye. He is sitting at the kitchen table by himself with a plate of untouched pancakes in front of him. Satoru can’t help himself, and he looks over his shoulder at Suguru as he pulls the door open. His gaze is cast downward, like he’s staring at the pancakes waiting for them to make the first move. 

“See you,” Satoru calls out and notices how Suguru doesn’t even flinch. He’s still just staring down at the pancakes, motionless. His expression looks sad, and Satoru knows he probably hurt his feelings by not staying with him this morning. A taste of his own medicine, he thinks as he pulls the door shut behind him. Satoru has been spending much more time by himself lately and figures that if he’s sensible, he’ll realize what it feels like. He didn’t even have a plan for this morning, but he made up a lie to avoid eating the pancakes Suguru made him. It was difficult turning down pancakes, seeing that they are his favorite, but he knows he has to stand up for himself, even in small ways. He’s teaching Suguru that his actions have consequences, and subsequently, his inactions have consequences, too. 

He makes his way down to the lobby and exits his building. Once he’s on the street, he notices how sunny it is today. It’s not typical to see so much sun this time of year, considering this is usually the rainiest season. His feet carry him a few blocks down until he reaches a cafe that serves his favorite chocolate crepes. A little bell rings as he pushes the door open, and he walks up to the counter to place his order. After he pays for his chocolate crepes, he takes a seat in the back corner at a small, inviting table near a window and waits. 

He feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and he hesitates before checking it. It’s Shoko. It’s been a minute since they last spoke, and he figures she wants to talk about last night. He presses the green button to answer and holds the phone up to his ear.

“Hey.” He greets her on the phone.

“Hi. Are you doing okay this morning?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, surprisingly. What’s up?” Satoru says, only half sure of himself.

“I was just calling to check in with you since we missed you last night. I knew you weren’t going to be coming, but I wish you could’ve been there. It was a nice time. And Nanami can really sing, believe it or not!”

“Sounds like you guys had a good time. See? You guys don’t really need me to be there.”

“Not true. It would’ve been way more fun if you joined us, but I get it. So, are you avoiding him now or what?”

“I guess. I, uh, actually wrote a letter to him this morning. I decided to call everything off.”

“Wait, what do you mean by calling everything off?”

“I told him there’s no need to break up with her anymore.”

 “So you’re not going to give him til Sunday to do it? You’re dropping the whole thing instead?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I decided I don’t want to be with him.”

“ Ohh, Satoru …I’m so, so sorry. Is that what you really want, though?”

He feels a thickness building up in his throat. “Yeah, unfortunately.” It’s painful to say out loud, but he continues. “I can tell he doesn’t want to leave her and…..I’m done torturing myself over him.”

“Ugh, I’m really sorry. You must be so hurt…. I really thought he would do it soon after you told him how you feel.”

“Well, I didn’t, unfortunately….” Satoru says quietly as the server approaches him with his plate of crepes, powdered with sugar and topped with whipped cream and chocolate syrup. His eyes light up instantly as he takes the plate and wastes no time devouring the first crepe.

“Do you need anything? Want me to come over?” She asks, noticing the way he suddenly became quiet.

He responds with his mouth full. “I’m okay. I have crepes now.”

“Oh. I didn’t realize you weren’t home. Maybe that’s the cure, then. We’ll all have to take turns buying you sweets every day.” She laughs, hoping her comment will lighten the mood.

Satoru lightly laughs in return and then quickly stuffs his mouth with the remainder of his first crepe. “Yes, please! I’ll never feel sad again, I swear.”

“That’s the Satoru I know. Who knew all it would take to make you feel better was some crepes?” Satoru continues stuffing his mouth as he begins devouring the second one, and hums in response. “Well, I’ll let you enjoy your food so you don’t choke trying to talk to me. But please call me if you need anything, ‘kay?”

“Mhmm.” Satoru hums as he chews his food. Their phone call ends shortly after, and he sits there, staring out the window. The city feels so busy, so alive, so active, and he wants to be part of it. He hasn’t allowed himself to explore much on his own. Suguru had always been there by his side, their shoulders brushing against each other every so often, making memories that he’ll only ever see in his dreams now. 

He remembers the time they lost each other inside a MEGA Don Quijote. Suguru had turned his back for no more than a few seconds while Satoru wandered off to the Sanrio section, and they were separated for over an hour. Satoru didn’t have cell phone service, and when they finally found each other, Suguru’s phone had died from trying to call Satoru so many times. Suguru was so upset, cursing under his breath when he finally found him, muttering something about needing to buy a child harness for Satoru. Satoru realizes he’s smiling as he's reminiscing on the memory, and it quickly fades away as the memory disappears right before his eyes. He contemplates going there for a moment, but realizes that he’d be reminded of his loneliness. He needs to find something new to do, some place new to go. Somewhere that hasn’t been touched by memories of Suguru. So he decides he’s going to take the train and see where it takes him. 

Satoru ends up in the last place he thought he would end up today. He’s on a beach, one of the less popular ones in the region. The clothing he has on is the furthest away from proper beach attire, but it doesn’t stop him from continuing onto the sand. He watches as the waves gently crash along the shore, the sun reflecting off the water so brightly that it’s almost blinding. He takes off his shoes and rolls up his pants just so he can feel the sand between his toes. He casts his gaze down the beach and notices an array of brightly colored umbrellas and a variety of people with chairs and towels parked on the sand. He wishes he had been better prepared, wishes he had known he’d end up on a beach today so he could’ve planned accordingly. Oh well . This is what my life consists of now.  

He wastes no time sitting on the sand, not really caring that he’s going to end up covered in sand and potentially ruin his clothes. There aren’t many people around him because he purposely chose a more isolated spot on the beach so he wouldn’t be bothered. The only thing bothering him at the moment is the sun. It’s too bright, so bright that it’s blinding. He pulls his sunglasses out of his pocket and sticks them on his face. His world instantly becomes a few shades darker. That’s a little better. He sits there with his knees propped up, hands wrapped around them, and just observes his surroundings. The wind has picked up slightly, and he feels strands of hair tickling his forehead. The scent of the ocean breeze opens up his lungs as he takes a deep breath in, inhaling the saltiness drifting through the air. 

He’s trying to clear his mind as best as he can, and this is the perfect place to do it. He wants to expel the hurt, purge it from his system, release it so he can just move on with his life. Move on from Suguru. Regardless of everything that has happened, he can’t help but miss Suguru through it all. He wishes that none of this had ever happened, that he could rewind time and confess sooner, that he wouldn’t have been such a coward all this time. He knows it’s no use beating himself up over it, but he allows himself to feel the hurt again for a moment so it will leave his body. If he doesn’t release the pent-up feelings inside of him, they will only continue to consume him. This will be the last time I cry over him. The very last time. He feels his eyes burning, tears building up and threatening to spill over. He inhales slowly and then exhales, allowing the tears to flood down his cheek. Goodbye Suguru… I’m letting go of you. I’ll always love you and wish it could have been me instead.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

A little more than a week has passed since Satoru slid the letter underneath Suguru’s door. Surely, he’s read it by now, and if there was any proof that he has, it’s in the way he’s avoided eye contact with Satoru ever since. Satoru has made it his goal to stay as busy as possible. He tells himself it’s the only way he can move forward. He needs to occupy his actions and thoughts with other things so he doesn’t get caught up in his feelings for Suguru again. Staying busy tends to make things easier, even with subtle reminders of his loneliness. He catches himself lost in thought at times, wondering if Suguru is feeling his absence as much as he is, but he’s able to dismiss his thoughts rather quickly. The day after he went to the beach, he went to Akihabara to play arcade games and window shop for rare anime collectibles. That kept him pretty busy as he wandered around the streets mindlessly, even picking up a few collectibles along the way. And yesterday, he explored Takeshita Street and tried various cafes that he had never been to before. He may have even found his new favorite spot for chocolate crepes. If it were up to him, he’d eat sweet treats three times a day like they were his meals. 

Naoya was pretty busy on his days off this past week, so they didn’t hang out. Naoya was still willing to make time for him despite needing to take care of his personal business, but Satoru declined, reassuring him that he felt fine and was keeping himself busy enough to avoid thinking about Suguru. Saki had come over once, and Satoru just stayed in his room with headphones on, ignoring the sound of her irritating voice. He was relieved when he discovered that she didn’t stay the night, especially after spending most of her time inside Suguru's room. He doesn’t want to think about that.

It is now Saturday, and it’s the first day that Satoru is having a hard time figuring out what it is he wants to do. He hasn’t put much thought into it and isn’t entirely sure he wants to go somewhere so far away. He could stay local, but then he’d find himself becoming bored a lot quicker and be easily tempted to return home before the day’s end. Maybe he’s just feeling exhausted from spending so much time alone already. Maybe it’s because he would much rather be home today since he’s been out of the house almost every day over the last week. Or maybe it’s because he knows he’s just trying to kill time until Naoya has his two days off again, because then , he’d no longer be alone. Maybe he should just go visit him at work later and wait until he gets off. Yeah, I think I’ll go see him later. 

He really would rather stay home today, but he can’t risk Suguru attempting to bring up the letter. He hopes that if enough time passes, eventually, the awkwardness will start to fade and things will return to a somewhat normal state. He’s survived a little more than a week without bringing it up, but he knows it’s because he’s hardly been around. He knows that things aren’t likely to go back to the way they were before, especially because he now knows about Satoru’s feelings for him. There’s a lot that is left unsaid between them, words that will never be spoken, dust that will never settle, a spark that will never ignite, never have a chance to burn. It’s a damn shame, really , but as the days slowly pass and Satoru slowly becomes more confident in his decision, things might be a little bit easier already. Maybe. He hasn’t cried since that day at the beach, and though it hasn’t been very long, he hasn’t felt the need to cry anymore.

He’s spent the entire morning and first part of the afternoon in his room, lounging on his bed as he usually does more often than not these days, not at all being productive. If progress on Digimon: Worlds counts for something, then maybe he has been productive today. He’s hatched several eggs in the DigiLab, surely, that should count for something. He hears the bathroom door creak open and knows it’s Suguru getting ready to go somewhere. One thing about being roommates with someone is that you begin to identify a pattern of behaviors, and Suguru tends to have a set of easily recognizable patterns. When he’s showering in the evening, it’s in preparation for bed. But when he showers in the morning or afternoon, it’s because he’s meeting up with Saki. He’s going to see her today, and Satoru is trying not to let those lingering feelings of anger creep back inside of him because it only serves to knock him back a few steps. He’s done well at ignoring those feelings, stuffing them deep down where they deserve to be, not at the forefront of his mind. It’s not what he needs, not now. Not ever, really.

The unfortunate thing about living in a small apartment that only has one bathroom is the fact that you have to share it. Both men are organized, so it isn’t unfortunate due to a matter of cleanliness. Waiting for one to finish up using the bathroom, especially when they are taking a long time and you’ve already been holding your bladder for what feels like forever, is the part that’s truly unfortunate. He and Suguru had once talked about getting a larger apartment that has two bathrooms for their next lease, though that sounds like a distant dream with the current state of their relationship. He knows there won’t be a next lease, not likely anyway, especially if he and Saki remain together. He’ll probably ask her to move in with him.

Satoru would much rather wait to use the bathroom once he leaves, but he’s been holding it in so long at this point, he thinks his bladder might burst if he waits even a few minutes longer. It’s been a little while since he heard Suguru exit the bathroom, but he’s not entirely convinced that he’s already left the house. There’s no telling what time Suguru is planning on leaving if he hasn’t already, and Satoru knows he’s not going to ask him about it if he runs into him. He gets up from his bed and exits his room, carefully stepping out into the hallway and heads straight into the bathroom, laser-focused on making it inside and closing the door behind him. The amount of relief he feels as he uses the bathroom is like a breath of fresh air, and he can feel his body finally relax. 

He quickly finishes up, washing his hands and drying them on a hand towel, and then exits the bathroom. He realizes that he doesn’t hear anything and assumes Suguru must’ve made a quick exit earlier, and Satoru just didn’t hear it. He makes his way down the hall and heads to the kitchen to grab a bite to eat when he catches a figure standing near the front door out of the corner of his eye. Suguru is standing there, fixing himself in the mirror, and without even looking in his direction, Satoru can tell that he’s dressed up nicely. He’s adjusting his shirt collar and brushing his bangs to the side with his fingers, and Satoru catches his own head turning toward him. Just a quick look. 

And the moment Satoru catches a glimpse of him, he wishes he hadn’t. He looks so incredibly handsome, and pangs of jealousy hit him right in his heart like an arrow pierced through it. He finds himself thinking about whether Suguru would’ve dressed up that nicely for him if it were Satoru that he were going on a date with, or if he’d skip the formalities entirely since they’d been friends for so long. He feels the urge to slap himself for thinking that way, and before he can pull his eyes away, Suguru’s gaze catches him in the mirror for just a moment. Satoru feels caught and feels the impulse to say something as he notices Suguru promptly looks down.

“You look, um, really nice.” Satoru compliments him quietly.

“Thanks,” Suguru says, his eyes remaining downcast as he turns his back away from the mirror toward Satoru. Now, why the hell did I say that to him? This shouldn’t be bothering me as much as it is. Satoru wants to kick himself, and struggles not to say anything else. He’s about to walk into the kitchen when Suguru blurts out. “I’m finally meeting her parents tonight, so I figured I need to look presentable.”

Satoru stops in his tracks because he doesn’t know how he’s supposed to respond to that. Does he want to wish him good luck? He would probably wish him bad luck if he could, not that he really wants anything bad to happen to him, but there’s still that part deep inside of him that is raw with hurt. It’s an instinctual kind of hurt, one he feels he has no control over, no matter how much he tries to deny it or shove it down deeper. He doesn’t want her to start coming over to their apartment more, reigniting feelings of jealousy and hurt that he’s been ignoring like it’s become a daily routine. He can’t seem to completely bury it, no matter how hard he tries to distract himself and keep his thoughts from lingering around Suguru too long. Satoru doesn’t know if he means it, probably not, but he wishes him good luck.

“Good luck with everything,” Satoru says as he walks into the kitchen, not bothering to make eye contact with him when he says it. Suguru doesn’t say anything, probably because he knows that he shouldn’t have even brought it up in the first place, with it being such a touchy subject. They had been walking on eggshells around each other for days now, and for one of their first interactions since the reading of Satoru’s letter, it panned out exactly how they both figured it might have. Satoru lets out a loud sigh from the kitchen, audibly loud enough for Suguru to hear. 

Suguru can’t take the obvious tension anymore, so he says, “Satoru, I don’t like the way we’re leaving things. It doesn’t feel right.”

He pokes his head out from the kitchen and looks at him with a deadpan expression. “Well, I’m a little heartbroken over all this still, so…you should be able to understand that things might look different til I’m over it.” Satoru can tell that those words pierce right through Suguru’s heart, but internally, he wants to roll his eyes at him because how could it hurt him when he has a girlfriend? A girlfriend that he actually likes?

Suguru wears a face of sorrow, and Satoru can’t tell if it’s because he’s feeling guilt or regret. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do it…. I really am.” Definitely guilt. 

“I shouldn’t have ever told you to break up with her in the first place… so, I’m sorry for that.”

“No, it’s alright. I understand why you did, and you’re not wrong for that.”

“I am wrong for it, though.” Satoru insists as he emerges from the kitchen with a strawberry poptart. Suguru doesn’t say anything, just watches as he removes the poptart carefully from its package. An awkwardness has settled in the air between them, with Suguru frozen in place and Satoru refusing to meet his eyes, hyperfocused on freeing his snack from its shiny, foil prison. “I hope everything goes well for you tonight. Good luck, I’m sure they’ll love you.” He smiles weakly, even though it pains him, and looks at Suguru for just a second. He looks back at him, his eyes clearly displaying pain behind them, and he nods his head. 

“Thank you.” He says quietly and then turns his back to him. “Take care of yourself today, okay?” He adds before slipping out the door without another word. Why is every conversation with him so exhausting? Within mere moments, he’s gone, the lingering scent of his cologne remaining in the space where he was just standing like a ghost left behind to remind Satoru of his presence. I shouldn’t even be on this anymore. Satoru is growing more irritated with himself, feeling like his progress over the last week and a half is getting erased. Before he can continue to ruminate, he finishes eating his poptart, hoping that the sweetness will fill his stomach instead of the bitter acid that Suguru left behind.

When he finishes, he decides that he should eat some real food and heads for the fridge. He pulls both doors open and spots his leftovers from last night. He quickly reheats them in the microwave and sits down at the table with his meal for one, alone. It’s a strange thing to have to get used to. He never imagined that he’d be alone as much as he is these days. It’s wild to think that he and Suguru were once inseparable and spent almost every moment together. Good thing he was going to see Naoya at work in a little while. That’ll kill some more time and get my mind off things. Maybe I’ll have a few drinks, too.

He seriously wonders what things would look like if he’d never run into Naoya that night, if they had never become friends. He thinks about how his life would look. Probably very similar to the past week, filled with attempts to keep himself busy, only to find himself feeling lonely in the end. It was hard to plan anything with Nanami or Haibara because historically, they’ve invited both Suguru and Satoru as a pair. One never went somewhere without the other, like they were attached at the hip, completely and utterly inseparable. To think that their relationship looks the way that it does now. Satoru really can’t focus on that. The sadness that will never fully leave him begins to creep up each time he finds himself in sentimental moments like these. The only difference is that he has no more tears left to shed.

Satoru wants to fill this empty feeling with something . Anything at this point. Suguru surely doesn’t feel as empty as he does, and it won’t be long before he becomes more intimate with Saki. Satoru wonders if it’s time that he finds someone he can be intimate with, too. Maybe he’ll meet a nice girl, or guy, at the bar tonight. Or maybe he’ll start slow and try his hand at flirting, seeing how far he can get without making a total fool of himself. Flirting seems easy and harmless enough. I guess I won’t be saving myself for him anymore. What’s the point in holding my body hostage for him?

Chapter Text

Satoru arrives at the bar which is unsurprisingly busy. Granted, it’s a Saturday night again so it makes sense. As he steps inside, he sees Naoya behind the counter, making drinks for two beautiful girls who are sitting at the opposite side of where he plans to sit. He didn’t tell him that he was coming. He just wanted to show up and see his reaction, figuring it would be a nice surprise considering he hadn’t visited him at work since the night that he took care of him. He pulls out one of the chairs and sits down at the counter, waiting for him to notice that he’s there. It doesn’t take long for Naoya to turn in his direction, his eyes catching onto a snowy white head of hair and set of crystal blue eyes. Naoya’s eyes light up as soon as he sees him, and he approaches Satoru and smiles at him. 

“Hey, Satoru. Didn’t know you were coming.” He says, now standing directly in front of him behind the counter.

Satoru smiles back at him. “Well, I wanted to surprise you.”

Naoya rolls his eyes, still smiling. “Oh yes, because you’re such a great surprise. Unless you brought me something?”

“ Of course I did. I brought you my amazing personality and presence.” Satoru softly laughs after he says it, wanting to continue the sarcasm for a moment before changing his tone to something more serious. “I just… wanted to get out of the house is all.” 

“So are you just here to keep me company, or do you want something to drink?” Naoya asks because he still has a job to do, being on the clock and all, despite wanting to stand around and chat with Satoru for the rest of the night.

“Why not both ?” Satoru flashes a smile at him. “Make me your favorite drink. I’ll rate it, and tell you if you have good taste or not.” He gives him a little wink as he says it, and notices the slightest shift in Naoya’s expression, like the careful front he had been putting up cracked just a tiny bit.

The lightest shade of pink dusts the tip of Naoya’s ears, barely there, but still there, enough for Satoru to take notice. “Alright, um, I got you. I know just what to make.” He quickly turns his back to Satoru and begins making him something special.

Satoru was only teasing him when he winked at him, but noticing the way he reacted to it made him feel just a little bit curious. He wonders if there’s something more underneath the surface, something that he hadn’t noticed before. Something that he’s been hiding, careful to not allow anyone else to see— except Satoru for a brief moment when his expression faltered just a minute ago. Or maybe this was something entirely new. Is it bad if I flirt with him just a little to see if he’s into me? He thinks maybe he can push the boundaries, just a little bit, and see how he responds. Naoya is extremely attractive, after all, and it wouldn’t really hurt anything. He decides to make it his fun little mission objective for the night: get under his skin just enough to make him flustered. It’s not like Suguru wants me anyway.

Naoya hands him the completed drink and it’s a light blue color, almost the same hue as his eyes. He takes it from his hand, their fingers barely brush against each other, and Satoru takes a sip, instantly noticing how sweet it is. He knows me so well.

“Wow, that’s good. It’s actually pretty sweet, too.”

“I thought you might like it because of that.” Naoya says as he looks down at the other customers sitting along the counter, making sure no one else is calling for him. 

“I give it a 9 out of 10.” Satoru says as he brings the drink to his lips. He sips on it gradually, and decides to people-watch for a bit while Naoya takes care of other customers. Saturdays are amongst the busiest days in this bar so he knows he can’t distract him too much. This is his job, after all. He notices the girls down at the opposite end laughing too loudly, but can’t make out what they’re saying. A group of guys at a nearby table is discussing their latest booty calls and then switches to talking shit on one of their buddies who couldn’t show up tonight. His ears perk up to listen to the drama, but he quickly loses interest as his body begins to heat up. Any worries that were on the backburner are now now existent as he settles into the buzz he’s feeling.

After a bit, Naoya returns to check up on him. He stops in front of him and leans down a little bit, meeting Satoru’s eyes. “Hey, you doing alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Can I get another one of these?” Satoru points to his empty glass, wanting to keep this nice buzz going. He thinks one more drink will do it, just one more. Naoya nods his head and takes his empty glass from him, figuring that one more won’t hurt.

“Sure thing. Is it still a 9 out of 10?” He raises an eyebrow at him after he asks.

Satoru thinks hard about it for a second and then comes to a conclusion. “Hmm. Maybe it’s a 9.5 now.”

Naoya smiles at him, amused that he somehow likes it more now that he’s feeling its effects. “I’m glad you like it a half point more. Just don’t get too carried away tonight, alright?”

“You don’t wanna take me home with you tonight, or what?” Satoru says playfully, feeling more bold and flirtatious with the buzz he’s feeling. 

“Oh…. did you wanna stay over tonight? Or, uh… what’s your plan after this, I guess?” Naoya asks nervously, the pink dusting the tips of his ears again. He’s clearly uncomfortable by Satoru’s obvious pushing, either that, or he likes it when I talk to him like this . Satoru isn’t sure, and he’s not the greatest at reading people right now, especially Naoya who carefully keeps pieces of him hidden. He still doesn’t know all that much about him because most of their conversations have revolved around Satoru. So he decides he’s going to find out the root of his uncomfortableness.

“Yeah, as long as you won’t kick me out. I’ll be on my best behavior.” Satoru bats his eyelashes at him on purpose as he says it.

“Nah, you know I won’t. You’re always welcome at my place.” Naoya says as he begins making the second drink. It seems like a full glass returns in front of him even quicker this time around, or Satoru’s perception of time is just different now. He picks up the new drink, bringing it to his lips immediately. 

After a bit, the second drink is gone and the chatter inside the bar has died down. Satoru is feeling drunk, not completely wasted, but most definitely drunk. Other than the few patrons left inside, Satoru is one of the only ones still seated at the counter. For some reason, Naoya looks extra attractive tonight. Hot , even. He doesn’t know if it’s because of the alcohol or because his whole body feels like it’s on fire, but he is noticeably and distractingly hot. Should I even be doing this? He doesn’t know why he’s suddenly so fixated on his friend, fixated on flirting with him, and he stares at him while he works. He imagines what he looks like underneath his shirt, maybe with a set of nice muscular abs or even just a toned core. He wonders if he'll discover the secrets that hide beneath his shirt if he invites him to the beach one of these days. Maybe then, he’ll be able to stare at his body without it being weird.  

Naoya turns his head and catches him in the corner of his eye. He notices that Satoru has been staring in his direction for a little too long, so he walks over to him to make sure he’s still doing okay.

“Are you doing okay?”

“Mhmm. I am.”

“Okay good, I just– I noticed you looking at me and didn’t know if you needed something. It’s almost time–”

“ Did I already tell you that you look really good tonight? ”

Naoya blushes and laughs awkwardly as his comment catches him off guard. “Um, Satoru, you can’t be that drunk. You know I’m not Suguru , right?” He figures he must be too drunk to know what’s going on. 

“ Duhh , I know you’re not Suguru. That compliment was meant for you .” He points at Naoya with his index finger and pokes him in the chest softly a few times. The pink shade covering Naoya’s cheeks darkens this time, so he swiftly turns his face away in an attempt to hide it, pretending like he didn’t just hear Satoru that. 

“Oh, um, wow . Okay.” Naoya says, still trying to hide his blush that’s obviously covering his cheeks. “I think you’ve had enough to drink for tonight. I don’t want to have to drag you out of here again, and I’m gonna start closing down the bar now anyway.”

“Whatever you say, pretty boy. ” Satoru smiles at him, with a drunken glow on his cheeks and a dazed look in his eyes. He’s feeling heat radiate from his body and can’t tell if it’s purely from the alcohol or from the thrill of making Naoya flustered. He’s no longer thinking about whether this is a good decision or not because that part of his judgment has been doused with liquor. All he knows is that he’s feeling wonderful and he’s enjoying this very much, and he’s most definitely not thinking of Suguru.

He watches as Naoya starts wiping the back counters with a rag and notices how his forearms and biceps flex. He can see their muscular outline as they work, imagining how those same arms would look if they were gripping his body instead. Has he always been this attractive? How did I not notice before? He gets lost in drunken daydreams about ways that he can push him a little bit more, things he can bring up to make that pink color spread across his cheeks again and stay there for a while so he can admire the way it makes him look. Something about knowing that Satoru has that effect on Naoya makes him take pride. It makes him feel important. Valued. Special to someone.

Before he knows it, everyone else has gone home and Satoru is the last customer inside. Naoya just finished putting up the last of the chairs. He locks the front entrance and walks over to Satoru, who is now practically asleep on his arms resting on the counter. Naoya nudges him slightly with his hand. “Hey, you ready to go?”

Satoru looks up, eyes meeting his that are only a few feet away, and he smiles up at him. “ Mhmm, ‘m readyy.” He clumsily stands to his feet, and Naoya makes sure he’s stable before grabbing his chair and putting it up for the night. Satoru follows Naoya out the back entrance and makes his way through the back alley toward the parking lot. He stumbles and almost falls to the ground but Naoya catches him before he does. 

“ Careful. I guess you still had too much, huh?” He says, holding onto his arms to keep him steady.

“No, ‘m good, really.” Satoru says with a slur, his legs wobbling ever so slightly. The other man is not convinced, so he slides his arms around his lower back and holds his waist instead. 

“Here, I’ll help you. Lean on me if you need to. Just be careful still so we both don’t fall….” He says as he walks in tandem with him, guiding Satoru’s body to the car. Once they reach it, Naoya unlocks it with his clicker and opens up the passenger side door, ensuring he gets in safely first. “Buckle up, alright? Think you can you do that?”

Satoru nods his head and lazily reaches for the seatbelt. It takes him twice as long as it would have if he were sober, but he figures it out when the two pieces click together loudly. Naoya walks to the other side of the car and slides into the driver’s seat. He turns to look at Satoru who is sitting still, buckled in, and looking at him with half-lidded eyes. “You good?” Naoya asks, trying to decipher the smirk spreading across Satoru’s face.

“Yup, ’m reaaaalllllyyy good. You’re here with me.” Satoru confirms as Naoya shifts the car into drive and begins the route to his house. It’s quiet in the car this time, and Satoru is still awake somehow. Rather than risk awkward conversation, Naoya turns on some background music, hoping it’ll fill the silence and lull him to sleep. It doesn’t take long for Satoru to break the silence with more drunken yapping. “ Seeeee? I handled my alcohol thissss time.”

“ Barely .” Naoya says as the corners of his mouth form into a smile. He briefly glances over at Satoru, then says, “You’d still be in trouble if I weren’t around.”

Satoru lets out a small laugh. “Nahhh, I think I would’ve been fine.”

“Ehh, I don’t think so… you can’t say that when you were practically stumbling on the way out. I had to make sure you didn’t fall.”

“Or maybe I just wanted you to hold me.” As soon as Satoru says it, Naoya grows quiet. There’s no response, not even after a minute. Maybe he was hoping Satoru would forget what he just said, or maybe he was hoping he was too drunk to notice if he didn’t respond. He turns his head towards Naoya who’s eyes are fixed on the road ahead, the faint hint of red across his cheeks. If Satoru wasn’t in the mood to push, he would’ve just left him alone. But he didn’t because he’s a drunken fool, so naturally, he had to open his mouth again to make the moment even more uncomfortable for poor, sober Naoya. “Is that blush on your cheeks?”

“ Stop.” Naoya says, trying not to call attention to it like it’d just disappear if he ignores it. 

“C’monnn… it’s just me . You can tell me if it is.” Satoru says as he pokes his shoulder in a teasing manner, knowing he’s getting under his skin. Naoya grabs his hand and gently pushes it away, the brief contact making his cheeks glow more than they already are.

“That doesn’t make it any better.” He says as he lets out a flustered sigh.

“You’ve been blushing the wholeeee night, you know….I’ve been watching.” Satoru says with a drunken grin on his face.

“Well, you’ve been flirting with me the whole night, like you’re trying to get in my pants or something. I told you I don’t roll that way, Satoru.”

“ Then why are you blushing so much? ” Satoru calls him out despite being drunk. He still has half a mind to catch Naoya off guard.

Naoya hesitates. “I mean… you’re obviously hot . Saying those kinds of things to me is going to make me blush.”

“Hm.” Satoru says in response, not quite deciding if the answer is acceptable or not. He’s probably too drunk to make that kind of judgement call. “Why do you always say you don’t roll that way?”

“I don’t know!” He quickly defends. “I mean, I wouldn’t like, ever date a guy or act on it or something….” Naoya’s cheeks are blazing red at this point. “Wait, why are you even asking me this?”

“Just asking important questions is all.” Satoru says with a sly smile, his drunken stupor showing through it. “Can’t I get to know my friend more? Nothin’ wrong with that….”

“That sounds kinda sus, but alright…” Naoya is so glad that Satoru is drunk and he hopes he doesn’t remember any bit of this conversation in the morning. He thinks he’ll die of embarrassment if this ever gets brought up. He is way too sober for this shit. Just when Naoya feels like he can breathe again, thinking that the uncomfortable sexual questions have come to an end, Satoru keeps going.

“So hypothetically, if I wanted to suck your dick tonight, would you let me?”

“ What!?” Naoya shouts, his eyes wide with shock like he had just seen a ghost right before his eyes, his cheeks still glowing an embarrassing and noticeable shade of red.

“I said, if I wanted to suck—“

“I heard you the first time you said it.” Naoya says, eyes still wide with disbelief. 

“Then why’d you say what if you heard me?” Satoru teases, only half-aware of what’s actually going on.

“I just….I can’t believe you’re even asking me something like that. How drunk are you, Satoru? Fuck.” He lets out a breath, trying to keep his composure, before muttering under his breath, “ You can’t just say things like that…. ”

“ Why not? ”

“ Because.” Naoya grits his teeth like it’ll stop the heat that’s spreading between his legs. “You just can’t….”

“Okay, fine… I’m sorry.”  Satoru pauses for a minute, and then pushes again. “So is that a no, then?”

“ Fuck.” Naoya says under his breath as he adjusts his pants, tugging at them to try to hide his growing erection. “Are you…. for real?”

“I’m for real, real.” Satoru says as he moves to rest his hand on top of Naoya’s thigh.

“ Shit , Satoru. If you’re serious, I-I mean….” Naoya finds himself stumbling over his words, picturing how hot Satoru would look on his knees for him, begging to take his cock into his mouth. “I-I’d let you do it…”

Satoru gives his thigh a light squeeze. “I want to make you feel good tonight.”

“ Fuck.” Naoya mutters, feeling the growing heat in his core as his dick grows more hard, especially with Satoru’s hand resting on his thigh in such close proximity. “ Dammit.”

“ What?” Satoru says, as he begins rubbing lazy circles on his thigh with his hand. Naoya’s leg starts trembling a little bit and he’s clearly growing uncomfortable, shifting in his seat, keeping his focus on the road ahead as much as possible, his dick aching inside of his pants from the thought of Satoru’s pretty lips wrapped around his tip.

“ Nothing… um, it’s just really hot hearing you say that.” He says quietly, still feeling nervous and an impending urge to relieve himself. Satoru shifts his hand and begins palming Naoya’s hard cock. He can feel the outline of it through his pants and he’s gently petting it, listening as Naoya softly whimpers at the feeling of his touch. 

“Is this okay?” Satoru asks, not wanting to overwhelm him more than he already is.

“ Mhmm…” Naoya is breathing heavier, trying to remain focused on the road despite feeling Satoru’s hand on him. Good thing they’ve almost made it to his apartment’s parking structure because he’s giving in to the sensation a little too much. When he pulls into the structure, he swiftly parks in his marked spot and lets out a deep breath. He turns to look at Satoru with half-lidded eyes, still breathing heavily. He unbuckles his seatbelt, not removing his eyes from Satoru. His eyes are heavy with desire, lips slightly parted and he’s suddenly desperate for more of his touch.

Satoru retracts his hand and rests it in his own lap, giving Naoya a little smug smile. “I knew you had a little gay in you.”

“ Shut up.” Naoya says as he adjusts his pants again like it’ll somehow make his dick stop throbbing and yearning for more of Satoru’s touch. “ It’s not gay unless we kiss. ” 

Naoya remains seated, not moving, eyes locked on Satoru again. His eyes flick down to Satoru’s lips for a moment, and then back up to his eyes which are simultaneously gorgeous and heavy with lust. He’s like a deer in headlights, unsure of what his next move is. He could just open the car door and get out. That’s probably what he should do. It’d immediately cut the tension, change the scene. No use in continuing to entertain this with Satoru. He could just go into his apartment, allow him to suck his aching cock to get some relief, and both boys can call it a night. Maybe in the morning, they’ll laugh about it and it’ll be like a weird dream. Or maybe Satoru won’t even remember much of it, anyway. They’ll shake it off and nothing remotely like that will ever happen again. It is Satoru after all, and he’s already such a wildcard that things probably wouldn’t be too awkward. That’s exactly what Naoya should do.

“Then kiss me.”

Next thing he knows, Satoru is grabbing onto the front of his shirt and pulling him into a desperate kiss. His other hand is cupping the side of his face, holding it gently and carefully, and his lips are pressed against his. Satoru lets out a soft moan and Naoya returns it, his lips part slightly as he gently swipes Satoru’s bottom lip with his tongue, tasting the remnants of sweet liquor on his tongue. Naoya returns the kiss with fervor, not daring to pull away yet, as he continues to kiss into his mouth like he’ll never have the opportunity to do this again. Satoru slowly moves away from his mouth, kissing along his jaw line and moving toward his neck, littering soft, wet kisses along it. Naoya lets out a gasp as he feels his lips pressed to his neck, and a breathy “ Fuck, you’re so damn hot, Satoru….” escapes from his mouth.  

Satoru pulls back and just looks at his face, covered in crimson, realizing how fast everything just happened in the span of a few minutes. It’s so shocking that it’s almost sobering, even in his drunken state, but there’s a larger part of Satoru that doesn’t really care that he finally kissed someone – someone other than Suguru. All he knows is that he needs this . He needs to do this for himself. This feels right. This will be the nail in the coffin, the one thing he needs to let go of the dream that he wasted the last 7 years of his life on, to let it finally wither away and die.

Satoru continues to stare at him, his hand still cupping his face as his thumb lightly sweeps Naoya’s bottom lip. “We should probably continue this inside.”

“Yeah… yeah.. that’s a good idea.” Naoya says breathless, his lips pink from being well-kissed, his hair now a little messy with strands stuck to his forehead. He opens the car door like he should’ve done minutes ago and steps out. He goes around to the other side and opens the door for Satoru. He helps him to his feet and almost as soon as Satoru is standing, he wraps his arms around Naoya’s neck and holds onto him. He rests his head on the side of his neck and presses a gentle kiss there. He holds him for a moment, before Naoya asks, “Think you can walk?”

“ Yeah…” Satoru says, not really sure if he can or not, but he’s gonna try like hell anyway. He lifts his head off his shoulder and takes a step back. When he tries to walk, he stumbles forward, almost tripping on the completely flat ground. He’s standing upright again and decides to try again. This time, he’s walking slowly, his legs wobbling as he takes steps. A breathless and sober Naoya grabs Satoru’s hand and laces their fingers together so he can lead him to the safety and privacy of his apartment. He’s blushing as he’s pulling Satoru along, keeping a slow pace so he doesn’t trip him on accident. They carefully walk to his apartment and eventually make it to his front door. Naoya is fumbling with his keys that he pulled from his pocket as he stands at the door and fights to get it open. He’s never been in such a hurry to get into his apartment. 

As soon as the door swings open, shoes are kicked off in the entryway, the door is shut and locked behind them, and Naoya lets out a deep breath. He needs something to drink. He’s way too sober for this and can’t believe that any of this is happening. His cheeks are flushed, his heart is pounding so hard that he thinks it might jump out of his chest, and he feels like he’s in a state of shock. Next thing he knows, he is leading Satoru to his bedroom. He knows that Satoru had never been in his room before, only the guest room that he slept in last time, so he’s now entering a new area of Naoya’s apartment. As they step into Naoya’s room, he flips on a lamp and a large king sized bed sitting in the center is revealed. He guides him to it and motions for him to lay down.

“Here, rest here for a while, okay? Unless you want to sleep in the other–”

“No, this is good.” Satoru says before he can finish, falling onto the bed face first, landing on his stomach, with arms spread wide and face buried into his mattress. He takes in Naoya’s scent, clean and fresh with a faint citrusy scent like the cologne he always wears.

“I’ll be right back, okay? Just gonna get something to drink real quick….”

Satoru murmurs something into the bed and just lays there, not moving a muscle. The alcohol is probably getting the better of him and he might end up knocking out soon. Naoya heads into the kitchen and rummages through his fridge. A bottle of peach soju awaits him, so he drinks it down as fast as he can so he can return to Satoru, the liquor burning as it slides down his throat and lands in his stomach. He doesn’t know why he feels so nervous. Part of him is still in complete shock, the other part of him wants this so badly but is afraid it’ll ruin their blooming friendship. Fuck, what do I do? We’ve already kissed, dammit, so there’s no going back. And he wants to suck my dick, I think. Did he even mean that? 

Naoya is not really sure how aware Satoru is in his drunken state, so he decides that he’ll let him lead and he will follow whatever it is he wants to do. He decides he might as well go big or go home since they passed the point of no return, so he heads back to his room and pushes the door open, surprised to see Satoru now sitting up on his bed in just a t-shirt and his boxers. He smiles at Naoya, clearly drunk, and pats the spot next to him on the bed.

“C’mere….” He says as he continues to pat the bed, Naoya shyly makes his way over to sit down next to him. The second he sits, Satoru gently pushes Naoya down and he falls back onto the bed. 

Satoru climbs on top of him, positioning his thighs on either side of his body to straddle him. He leans down and places gentle, slow kisses along his jaw and neck, making sure to take his time. He’s not planning to hold back tonight, then again, he doesn’t have much of a plan at all. Naoya can’t help but let out a soft gasp as he feels the contact of Satoru’s soft lips against his skin, as he feels a gentle sucking sensation on his neck that is sure to leave small purple marks that will be visible in the morning. It feels like ecstasy and he doesn’t want it to stop.

Satoru makes his way to Naoya’s lips again, pressing deep but gentle kisses on his mouth, his hands carefully holding both sides of his face. His kisses are warm and sweet as he takes each one and returns it, not wanting to forget the sensation of his lips pressed against his. He lets one of his hands slide down Naoya’s body, reaching the bottom of his shirt. He slides his hand up under it, his fingertips feeling the smooth skin of his stomach, as he rubs gentle circles on his skin. It sends shivers down his spine, feeling his warm soft hand move along his stomach, touching him carefully like he could break him with any more pressure. Satoru feels something firm pressing on his thigh, assuming it’s Naoya’s hardened dick that is eager to be stimulated. In the same moment, his own length is attempting to pop out of the slit in his boxers.

He slowly slides his hand down lower, making his way to the front of his pants so he can set him free. He begins unbuttoning them, not daring to stop pressing kisses to his mouth as he does it. Naoya is enjoying this way too much as he softly moans into Satoru’s mouth with each kiss. He feels the satisfying moment of release when Satoru frees his dick from the confines of his pants, but he craves more friction immediately after. Satoru uses one hand to help tug his pants down toward his ankles, breaking from the kiss momentarily to use his other hand to help remove them the rest of the way.

He slides down Naoya’s body toward the floor, pulling his pants off completely and tossing them aside as he gets down onto his knees. He begins gently tugging at the waistband of Naoya’s underwear and starts to remove those, too. He glances up at Naoya with drunken blush across his cheeks, his delicate, white eyelashes fluttering up at him as he waits for approval. Naoya nods his head, encouraging him to continue, as his long, throbbing cock is fully revealed and glistening with precum leaking from the tip. Satoru uses his thumb to spread it over the head, and presses the pad of his thumb to his tongue, tasting his milky fluid with a soft ‘ mmm’ . He hears Naoya let out something between a moan and a sigh. Satoru takes his cock into his hand and gently begins stroking, gazing up to meet Naoya’s eyes again to make sure he’s being pleasured properly.

Naoya mumbles as his lashes flutter and his eyes roll back in his head, “ Fuckkkk, Satoru. You’re so damn hot…..”

Satoru takes that as permission to keep going as he gets into a steady rhythm, pumping his hardened cock up and down, watching his tip slowly leak more fluid the longer he strokes him. Satoru licks his lips and then presses his tongue near the base of his cock, licking a long stripe along the underside and moving up toward his head, wrapping his tongue around the base of his tip, not missing a single spot. He wraps his lips around the tip and sucks off the precum in a single motion. His lips make a popping sound as his mouth comes off of his dick. His eyes are half-lidded and watching Naoya’s reaction, making sure to note every flinch and twitch from a loss of the sensation. He’s clearly trying to chase more of that feeling, instinctively grinding his hips upward like he’s trying to fuck into the air. Satoru begins gently rubbing the skin of his inner thigh with his fingertips. He moves his mouth to the soft, sensitive flesh that he’s rubbing and begins placing slow, gentle kisses along it.

“ Haah— shiiiit… don’t tease me like that, Satoru…” Naoya lets out desperately, moving his hand to rest on top of Satoru’s head. He plays with his hair while Satoru continues kissing his inner thigh, stopping briefly to look up at him, his eyes full of lust behind his sparkling blue eyes.

“ Or what?” Satoru teases, continuing to press kisses to his inner thigh, getting closer to the exact spot where Naoya wants him. He licks a long stripe on his inner thigh, his face stopping dangerously close to his aching dick that’s suffocating with precum. He slowly makes his way back over to his tip which has noticeably leaked more of his milky fluid. 

Satoru wraps his lips around the tip again, but this time, Naoya gently pushes down on Satoru’s head so he’ll take him in deeper. He doesn’t resist, and instead, allows Naoya’s hand to push down on him until he reaches the base of his penis. Naoya lets out a loud groan as Satoru makes a choking noise, taking him deep into his throat. “Hah— that feels, fuck —so fucking good.” Satoru continues working him, mouth sliding up and down along the length of his cock, Naoya gently pressing down on his head each time to make sure he takes his whole length. “ You were made for this shit—oh, fuuckk. ” 

Naoya’s taking in the sight of Satoru going down on him, his lips swollen and glistening with saliva, his mouth stuffed full of his aching cock, bobbing up and down, taking him seemingly deeper each time, as he watches his own toes curl with pleasure while Satoru continues to work. Naoya is struggling to fight the urge to spill his hot cum into his mouth. He feels himself getting dangerously close already, but doesn’t want this to end. Not yet. 

Next thing he knows, it’s already too late. His cock moves on its own, pumping his hot cum into Satoru’s mouth and down his throat, his hips bucking upward on instinct, filling Satoru’s eyes with tears from taking him so deep. Satoru continues to suck him off after swallowing all of his fluid, but Naoya quickly becomes hypersensitive. He’s sweaty and almost completely out of breath from his orgasm, feeling a bit light headed, but he manages to get some words out anyway.

“Now bring your beautiful mouth up here.” He softly pants, wanting more of him so their moment won’t come to an abrupt end.

“But why ?” Satoru whines after his mouth is freed, spit still glistening on his swollen, kissable lips. “I like making you feel good.”

“I know, but I like kissing you more ...”

Satoru slowly stands, trying not to lose balance after being on his knees for a little bit, and climbs back on top of Naoya. He straddles him again with his thighs on either side of his body, leaning down so his face is hovering over the other man’s face. Naoya wraps his arms around his shoulders and gently pulls him down until their lips connect again, soft and wet and everything Naoya wanted to feel again in that moment. This time, he moves a hand behind Satoru’s head and holds him against his lips with something much softer than the desperate kisses they shared earlier. 

It’s true what he said. He likes kissing Satoru. Really likes kissing him. It felt great to have his dick sucked, but with Satoru, it felt much better to kiss him. Maybe Naoya didn’t really care about being on the receiving end. Or maybe Satoru was too important to him to be treated like just another one of his hookups. 

Satoru slowly pulls away from the kiss, his lips still close to Naoya’s. He looks into his eyes,  realizing something the moment he sees the way Naoya is staring back into his, and asks without hesitation. “Y ou like me , don’t you?”

Naoya’s cheeks, which have already been flushed this whole time, appear to turn a shade darker. “Huh? No , I uh—“

Satoru shuts him up by pressing another kiss to his lips. “ Don’t be stubborn. ” He says against his lips as he continues to press soft kisses into them. Naoya returns them, with his arms still wrapped around Satoru’s body, holding him just tight enough against his own body like he’d lose him forever if he were to let go. “ You like me .” Satoru whispers into his mouth as he slightly pulls back for a moment, his breath tickling Naoya’s lips. 

Naoya shakes his head, his face red, his lips raw and plump from being kissed, his neck already a light shade of purple from being gently sucked. His hair is stuck to his forehead and his shirt is halfway lifted up, his lower half still completely naked. Satoru begins gently rocking his hips back and forth, trying to feel some friction to soothe his own aching dick. Naoyo rotates his body, gently tossing Satoru off of him and continues turning his body until he’s pinning Satoru down on the bed.

“I think it’s your turn to be on the bottom…” Naoya says, heat still in his eyes, as he begins pressing kisses to his waiting lips. He pulls back for a moment and just stares at Satoru, his breathing heavy, his cheeks flustered and sweaty from the recent events that have taken place in his room. Satoru lets him continue, pressing soft, wet kisses to his jaw and neck, lightly sucking at the skin as he moves down. 

Satoru lets out a gentle moan at the feeling of his lips on his neck, and under his breath, says, “ Mmm, please keep going.” Naoya continues pressing tender kisses and nipping at his neck, faint purple and pink splotches being left behind. He slides his hand down his body, his hand brushing over Satoru’s neglected erection, and lands on his thigh. He gently strokes his leg with his gentle touch, brushing his fingers tips up and down the sensitive skin, whispering into his ear while he does it.

“Teasing doesn’t feel so good now, does it?”

Satoru shakes his head and reaches for his hand, pulling it until it’s resting over his dick. “Please….” He begs, now desperate for his touch. He’s never craved anything this badly before. Naoya hooks his finger on the waistband of his boxers and starts tugging them down. Satoru lets him, helping out by lifting his hips and using his hands to guide them down until they’re completely off.

“Nah, I’m gonna take my time with you. You look so fucking pretty underneath me, Satoru.” He brings one of his hands up to Satoru’s mouth and gently presses a finger to his lips, sliding it past them and into his wet mouth. He lightly sucks on his finger, lathering it up with his spit. Naoya brings his mouth close to his ear and whispers, “Spread your legs for me.”

Satoru hesitates, and then slowly opens his legs wider. Naoya pulls his wet finger out of his mouth and reaches down between his legs, the tip of his finger reaching his hole. The moment it makes contact, Satoru flinches and tenses up, closing his legs slightly. Naoya quickly pulls his hand away, looking at Satoru’s entire face with a worried look.

“Hey…um, we don’t have to go any further.” Naoya says, feeling guilty like maybe he went too far.

Satoru looks at him dazed, with his cheeks red and warm, lips kiss-bitten. He doesn’t respond immediately. “It’s okay, we can keep going.” He tries to reassure him, but Naoya doesn’t buy it.

“No, seriously… I just… I know you’re drunk and I…I just don’t want you to do something you’ll regret.”

Satoru shakes his head. “But I don’t regret anything we just did.”

“B-but in the morning, you might…. And I don’t want that for you. I like you…really like you. And I actually care about your feelings, unlike Suguru.”

The moment he says Suguru’s name, Satoru is in his head again and he wishes he wasn’t. Should he have experienced all this with Suguru first? It really sucks that he couldn’t enjoy his first times with him like he’s always wanted because now, it was too late. It was already done. Still, Satoru doesn’t regret anything he’s done so far. And Naoya is mostly right. Even though Satoru is still drunk, he has half a mind to know what it is he’s doing. Maybe he will regret it if he goes all the way with him, allowing Naoya to penetrate him for the first time. His erection is dying, the intrusive thoughts of his situationship forever killing his brief moments of happiness, even when he’s drunk and supposed to be feeling better about everything. It haunts him still, even here, even when he’s in bed with another man.

Naoya quickly notices how Satoru’s expression shifts, like he’s thinking about Suguru again, something sad resting behind his eyes. He swears he can see the heat and the passion melt away from his face, like he’s watching a fire be put out. He can’t help but notice the way his dick has now become soft, doing his best to avoid casting his gaze down so as not to shame Satoru for it. He means much more to him than this, much more to him than someone who’s only there to relieve his tension. He gently caresses his face with his hand and presses a soft kiss to his lips. When he breaks away, he rests his forehead against Satoru’s.

“We don’t have to keep going, okay? Let’s just lay down for a bit.” Naoya suggests as he moves off of him and lays next to him. Satoru doesn’t protest. He scoots closer to him, laying in his arms and snuggling up close to him. He rests his head on Naoya’s shoulder, and he feels him press a kiss to his head. The only sound that fills the room is rapid breathing. 

“ I’m sorry. ” Satoru whispers, already half asleep and still drunk.

“ Don’t be . It’s okay…..you’re okay.” He says as he begins running his fingers through Satoru’s white, fluffy strands of hair, gently brushing them away from his face. Naoya wraps his arm around Satoru and pulls his body closer to him. “ Goodnight, beautiful. ” He murmurs quietly into his hair, pressing another kiss to the top of his head. Shortly after, he hears soft snores coming from his mouth.

“Fuck, what have I gotten myself into now?” Naoya whispers quietly into the air.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Naoya wakes up before Satoru does and is blessed with the image of an absolute angel sleeping on his chest. Last night doesn’t feel real. It feels like it was all a dream. A dream come true — for Naoya — granted, who could never quite explain the way that Satoru made him feel. He had sworn to himself that he didn’t like men, couldn’t ever possibly feel anything for another man, until the night Satoru first showed up at his work. 

Something about his spirit, like a ball of light that’s untouchable but shines so brightly, is so incredibly beautiful and deserves to be admired, like a candle that will never burn out, an ember that always remains glowing, a sun that never sets. He’s absolutely beautiful, and his personality is a reflection of that. Naoya has admired him since day one but always had a hard time coping with those feelings. Admitting that he felt that way for another man, was instinctively embarrassing for him. It’s not the way he was raised, not the way he grew up. It didn’t bother him if other people had different preferences, but he could never see himself falling for another man. That is, until Satoru’s more recent and more frequent presence in his life.

To wake up holding Satoru was truly a special gift Naoya didn’t believe he deserved. How could Suguru pass this up? An angel with fluffy white hair and gorgeous, white eyelashes, resting on his chest with his mouth slightly open. It’s all Naoya could ever ask for. His heart feels like it’s pounding out of his chest as he stares, burning this image into his head and not wanting this to end. He knows once Satoru wakes up, he’s probably going to freak out and not remember much of their night. It really, really sucks for Naoya. He gently presses a kiss to his head, and carefully slides out of bed, being extra gentle so as not to disturb Satoru’s body. He doesn’t want to wake him up, doesn’t want him to open his eyes and be greeted with Naoya’s now-flaccid penis. 

He quietly heads to the bathroom to take a quick shower, bringing a fresh change of clothes with him. He takes his time, scrubbing his body, getting dressed, brushing his hair and teeth, putting on deodorant and spraying himself with cologne. He looks at himself in the mirror, noticing the purplish marks that line his neck, a reminder that his wonderful night with his crush was real . By the time he’s finished getting himself ready, he checks to see if Satoru is still fast asleep, and he is. His long body is sprawled out on his bed, a tangled mess within his blankets. It’s such a gorgeous sight, even still, that someone he cares so much about is comfortable in his bed, under his blankets, blessing his sheets with the scent of his body. He tiptoes out of his room and heads to the kitchen, and starts rummaging through the fridge trying to find something to make. Maybe I can make him something to eat, and he’ll be in a good mood this morning.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru groggily wakes up to a familiar scent. It fills his nose and makes his eyes open up, despite how heavy they feel. Surely I didn’t drink that much last night? He checks his surroundings and suddenly panics, not realizing where he is at first. As his eyes adjust, he notices various art pieces hanging on the walls of the room he’s in and suddenly, it comes to him. Oh. This is Naoya’s room. It feels like Satoru is seeing his room for the first time. He’s surprised that he’s waking up in his bed, but also, figures he crashed here last night because he was too drunk to go home. 

The smell of pancakes is wafting through the air, making Satoru’s stomach grumble. He feels slightly hungover, but doesn’t hesitate to get out of bed for his favorite breakfast. He realizes he’s only wearing a t-shirt, quickly looking around the room for his underwear and pants. He finds them tossed aside on the floor and quickly puts them on. Did we have sex!? He walks into the bathroom to use the toilet, and when he’s washing his hands, he notices in the mirror the faint residuals of marks along his neck. He quickly touches them with his fingers, and suddenly, he’s flooded with faint memories of skin on skin and lips all over each other. 

His memory is quickly being restored the longer he’s awake, and he faintly remembers laying on top of him, kissing his lips, kissing into his neck, lots of kissing in general. Satoru’s cheeks are already flushing, mostly filled with humiliation for his absurd behavior. He can’t believe he was all over his friend last night. He starts to remember the flirting and the pushing he was doing beforehand at the bar, but never expected it would escalate like this . Does he like me? I don’t think he does. But surely he does if we spent the whole night kissing. Or was he just drunk, too? I don’t think he was. Did he like it? Is this going to happen again? What does all of this mean? 

He starts panicking, thinking about how awkward this is going to be, not really sure how it’s going to play out, and works to calm himself down so he doesn’t hyperventilate in his bathroom. Naoya has been like a security blanket, and now he’s getting pulled off of him, getting ripped away from him, just like how everything good in his life is crumbling around him. He gets down on his knees and begs the universe for a moment, for there to be a good outcome, for there to be a resolution to all of this. He’ll do anything, really, just to keep his friend in his life. Please don’t take Naoya away from me, too. 

After a few minutes, he’s able to slow his breathing and he tells himself that everything is going to be okay, no matter what. He feels sick to his stomach now, but he won’t reject pancakes. Not from Naoya. He slowly stands up again and takes another deep breath. He can do this. His face feels flushed from thinking about everything, his heart speeding up at the thought that he slept half-naked with him in his bed last night. He splashes water on his face, thinking it’ll help bring him some clarity and make sense of everything. I like him, don’t I? He dries his face with a hand towel, settling on the fact that there’s a part of him that has feelings for Naoya in a way that he doesn’t for Suguru. He takes good care of me.

He’s ready to exit the bathroom and face him this morning. How hard can it be now that everything is out in the open? Well, maybe it’s not exactly out in the open just yet, but it’s about to be. The marks on his neck speak louder than words could ever, so he confidently heads for Naoya's door, exiting to the living room, the scent of pancakes growing stronger as he approaches the kitchen. Naoya is quietly singing as he’s cooking, Satoru can barely hear it, but he seems like he’s in a good mood.

“Good morning, Satoru.” Naoya calls out from the kitchen, spatula in his hand with pancakes on the griddle. Deja fucking vu… What is happening?

“Good morning…. Is this… for me?” Satoru asks, pointing the the plate that’s sitting on the kitchen stable, still steaming.

“Yeah, it is. I, um, hope it’s okay…” Naoya says, avoiding making direct eye contact with him. “I remember you said they were your favorite, so….um…”

“Thanks… that’s really sweet of you. I appreciate it.” Satoru sits down at the table and picks up the bottle of syrup that’s conveniently placed on the table. He douses the pancakes in syrup, flooding the entire plate, and dives right in with his fork. He stays quiet for a while, devouring the pancakes infront of him, humming with delight at the taste as they were cooked to perfection especially for him. “Hey… I think we need to talk about last night.”

Naoya freezes, still not wanting to make eye contact but knows that he must remember enough of the night if he’s bringing it up. He hesitates for a moment, but decides it’s best to ask him anyway. “Exactly how much do you remember?”

“Just that we made out and stuff. Also, judging by how my throat feels…. I figure I probably, um, did a little more than just that.” Satoru says, rubbing the side of his neck that feels bruised with kisses.

“Yeah, um, hopefully you don’t regret anything….” He says uncomfortably, hoping this awkward moment will soon pass.

“I can’t remember all the details, but I don’t. Not one bit. Do you regret anything?” Satoru asks, wondering if maybe he asked because he was feeling some kind of regret.

“ No, no. Not at all .” He shoots out quickly, probably too quickly, before further clarifying. “I was pretty sober so, um, yeah. No regrets.”

There’s a moment of awkward silence between them, Satoru’s pancakes already gone by now, probably already digesting in his stomach that feels a bit queasy from having this conversation. He decides to tease him a little bit to ease the awkwardness.

“So….. I guess you do roll that way, at least little bit?” Satoru grins as he says it.

Naoya softly laughs. “Hah, I guess so. I had a really nice night with you so, um, thanks for that??” He blushes after he says it, hating that it’s daytime and Satoru can see the full shade of pink across his cheeks. 

“Hey, Naoya?”

“ Hm?”

Satoru lets out a breath. He doesn’t like difficult conversations, never has. But it must be done. It’s now or never. Where do we stand now? “Where do we go from here?”

He freezes in place, looking at Satoru from across the kitchen, trying to decipher what he means behind those gorgeous, piercing blue eyes that are staring at him like he’s being meticulously examined. “What do you mean by that?”

“I think you know what I mean by that…” 

Naoya shakes his head. “If you mean what I think you mean, my answer is I don’t want to lose you. I’m just happy to have you in my life….as my friend.”

Satoru stands up and walks over to him, stopping in front of him as he’s plating his own pancakes. “So, that was just a one time thing, then?” He asks, a smile forming on his mouth like he’s got him pinned down.

“Yeah.” He says weakly, his eyes avoiding Satoru’s gaze, the pull of them being too magnetic. Satoru takes a step closer, standing only a mere foot away from him. He shakes his head at Naoya, smiling as he does it.

“I don’t believe you.” He leans forward, placing his mouth right next to his ear and whispers, “If you like me, just say so .”

His words make Naoya shiver, his heart rate picks up, and his breathing becomes faster. He feels cornered, nervous to make any sudden movement. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to because Satoru does it for him. He backs away from his ear and brings a hand up to brush a stray piece of hair out of the way, his forehead feels warm from standing in front of the stovetop for so long. He lets his hand linger on the side of his face, resting just under his cheek. “Can I have a kiss, now that I’m sober?”

Naoya is feeling so nervous, despite having kissed him hundreds of times last night, and he stumbles over his words. “Wait….why now ?”

“I want to remember this one. It’s kinda not fair that you remember more than I do. ” Satoru says, softly rubbing his face with his thumb. “ And you made me my favorite breakfast this morning. That alone deserves a kiss.”

Naoya doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to because he closes his eyes and starts leaning forward. Satoru doesn’t hesitate to bring his other hand to the other side of his face and leans in to meet his lips halfway. He presses a long gentle kiss on his lips, not pulling away just yet, as he feels Naoya place his hands on his hips, holding him like he were holding something fragile, something that could easily shatter into a million pieces.

Satoru pulls away slowly and watches as Naoya’s gorgeous brown eyes flutter open. His cheeks are dusted with red and he looks like he wants more, but Satoru leaves him with just that single kiss. He smiles at him, and heads back to the kitchen table where his empty plate sits. Naoya is stunned for a moment, but quickly snaps out of it and grabs his plate, taking it over to the table so he can sit down with Satoru.  

“You’re really cute when your cheeks get all red like that. I like making you blush.” Satoru says, smiling at him like he’s gushing over him.

Naoya can’t stop blushing. His head is spinning, thinking of last night, thinking of their kiss right now, thinking of his compliments and his teasing and his— oh my god, his teasing. It makes his heart throb uncontrollably, as he fights to find a proper response. 

“I didn’t think I’d have this effect on you. You must really like me, huh?” Satoru teases with a grin on his face. Naoya very subtly nods his head, something that could’ve been easily missed if Satoru wasn’t paying attention to him. “Oh come on, you don’t have to be all shy around me now.”

“It’s kinda hard not to be… now that you know I do.” Naoya says shyly, looking down at his plate and realizing he still hasn’t touched his food.

“And what’s so bad about that?” Satoru asks, watching him poke at his pancakes instead of eating them.

“You’re not just another ‘hook up’ to me, Satoru. You mean much more to me than that.”

“Don’t worry, I like you , too .” Naoya looks up, his eyes growing wider, like he just discovered something the world’s greatest secret. “ I know you don’t do the whole dating thing, but I just wanted you to know so you don’t think you’re alone in feeling this way.” 

“But… what about Suguru?” Naoya asks, not understanding how he could possibly have feelings for him after being so hung up on Suguru for years and agonizing over him for the past month.

“What about him? He moved on, Naoya…. It’s best that I do, too.” He says like he’s never been so sure about something before. “ You take care of me. In a way that no one else has. I’d be an idiot if I didn’t like you at least a little bit. ” 

“I only take care of you… you make me want to take care of you. That’s why I hate seeing you so torn up about Suguru. I wouldn’t want him to get in the way, because I know he would, and I already can’t stand how he’s made you feel.” Naoya admits, his eyebrows furrowed and his smile turning into a frown the more he thinks of the pain that Suguru caused him.

“You don’t need to worry about Suguru. I’ll, uh, be over him completely in no time at all. Especially if I get more kisses from you like that.”

“So, um, are you saying you would want to be together? Is that something you want?”

“Yeah, I mean, why not give it a chance?” Satoru says it like it’s some light-hearted decision, like he has no fear in his heart, like he doesn’t believe it could crash and burn and end badly for them.

“Do you think it’s too soon ? Because of Suguru and everything…?”

Satoru thinks for a moment, and then quickly answers him. He knows Suguru probably charmed her parents all night long, as he usually does with people, and that his relationship is probably going perfect. Not a single crack, not even an opening. And Satoru just needs to move on. Let Suguru be happy. Let himself be happy, even if it’s not with Suguru.

“Nah. To be honest, I couldn’t care less about him. I’m much more interested in you right now.” Satoru smiles at him and extends his arms across the table, reaching for Naoya’s hand. His hands wrap around Naoya’s hand, holding it in between his. 

Naoya blushes and casts his gaze downward, too shy to make eye contact even though it was something he had done hundreds of times before. “I know I said I don’t date anymore, but you’re different, Satoru. I do want to give this a shot. I’m just afraid to end up with my heart broken. ”

Satoru looks at him with eyes glowing and waits for him to meet his gaze. When he doesn’t, Satoru gently says, “Hey… look at me for a second.” Naoya slowly lifts his head and lets his eyes catch onto Satoru’s, the magnetic pull so strong and captivating. He holds eye contact as Satoru speaks. “I can’t promise that I won’t break your heart. But I can promise that I’ll always do my best to communicate with you and give you the love you deserve. I’m not perfect, but I want to give us a fair chance, and I’ll do everything I possibly can to make you happy. You deserve to be happy.” Satoru gently squeezes his hand.

“You deserve to be happy more than anyone I know, Satoru, and I hope I can always make you smile…”

“So you’ll let me win every time in Super Smash Bros?” Satoru grins, knowing that he’s teasing him.

“ Don’t test me, now . That’s non-negotiable.” Naoya says, pulling his hand away from Satoru’s and crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“You’re so cute when you’re mad.” Satoru teases, wiggling his fingers as a way of calling Naoya’s hand back to his. He slowly returns his hand in between his, and Satoru smiles at him. “So, do you need some time to think about everything?”

“No.” Naoya returns his smile, eyes glowing with all the hope in the world that this turns into something truly special, something to always be cherished, and something that lasts forever. “I’ll date you.”

“Are you sure? I’m kind of a walking red flag.” Satoru teases him with a grin on his face.

“Is it too late to change my mind?” Naoya shakes his head and sighs, pretending to be annoyed.

“Yeah, definitely too late. You’re already mine so no take backs!” He pokes his hand and smiles at him, noticing his pancakes are still sitting there with little fork holes poked into them. “Hurry up and eat so we can cuddle….” Satoru nags at him.

“You can wait a little bit longer, can’t you?” Satoru shakes his head no like the clingy person he is. “Are you always going to be this annoying?” Naoya asks, wondering what he just signed himself up for.

“It’s kind of my job, as your boyfriend, to be annoying.”

Naoya laughs knowing it’s true. He likes the fact that Satoru is already wanting to be so clingy. “Why don’t you go take a shower?”

Satoru blushes in response. “I, um, didn’t bring a change of clothes. Remember? This was an impromptu sleepover.”

“I have clothes you can wear…. I bet you’ll look cute in them, too. Let me eat first and I’ll bring them to you, okay? Now, go get in the shower.”

Satoru smiles as he hears Naoya say he’ll look cute wearing his clothes. It fills his tummy with butterflies and makes his heart beat faster. He wants to hear it again and again. “Okay….um, I’ll go shower but I want a kiss first.”

Satoru lets go of his hand and gets up from his chair, walking around the table until he’s standing behind Naoya’s chair. Naoya tilts his head to look up at Satoru, who’s towering over him, and he bends down to plant a kiss on his lips. 

“Okay go.” He says and smiles at Satoru, who leans down to steal another quick kiss.

“Sorry… I couldn’t just stop at one. I’ll go, I’ll go…” Satoru says and he starts heading back into Naoya’s room. Unlike his own apartment, there are two bathrooms at his place. One in the main hall and the other in the master bedroom. He figures now that he’s his boyfriend, he can probably use his master bathroom to shower and it’d be okay. He likes thinking that he has special privileges now.

He turns on the shower and steps into the warm water, letting it soak his hair first and run down his body. It feels weird to think that he has a boyfriend now, and it’s Naoya Zenin, but it also feels oddly right. If someone had told him 6 months ago that Suguru would have a girlfriend and that he would have a boyfriend, he would’ve looked at them like they were crazy. There’d be no universe in which he’d believe them. What a strange reality he lives in. 

He likes Naoya. He’s handsome, he’s sweet underneath his sassy demeanor, he takes excellent care of him and is protective of his feelings, he thinks rationally, he’s always there for him and he hasn’t even known him that long, he’s a phone call away, and he somehow has helped mend Satoru’s broken heart. It’s a crazy thing to think about, that not long ago, all of the pieces of his heart were crushed on the floor and Naoya seemed to have picked all of them up, piecing them back together. He just hopes he can give him what he deserves, to be a good boyfriend, to always be honest with him, to respect him, maybe even grow to love him eventually. He thinks he could probably love him. Maybe.

He quickly takes a shower, making sure to wash his hair and body well, and wraps himself in a towel when he’s done. Naoya knocks on the bathroom door and brings Satoru some clean clothes and a brand new tooth brush, letting his eyes wander a little too long on the top half of his body. His hair is still dripping wet and he’s naked other than the towel wrapped around his waist. Naoya stares at his body for a while and then glances up to meet his eyes. Satoru can swear he sees hearts in them.

“You’re staring…” Satoru teases him.

“Sorry.… I can’t help it. It’s the first time I’m getting to see your beautiful body.” He replies, his cheeks burning and his eyes shifting away from him.

“You mean, I stayed in my clothes the whole time last night!?” Satoru asks, surprised to find out that he didn’t even take his shirt off. 

“Pretty much but that’s okay. Well, I’ll let you get dressed. Come find me when you’re done.” He smiles at Satoru, his eyes landing on his bare body again, lingering for a moment longer, and then he disappears out the door.

Once Satoru is dressed, he brushes his teeth and fixes his hair in the mirror. It’s starting to grow out a little too long and he’ll need a haircut before school starts up again. When he exits the bathroom, Naoya is lying in his bed, snuggled up under the blankets and on his phone scrolling through TikTok. He looks up at Satoru and smiles, putting away his phone and patting the bed next to him. “You said you wanted to cuddle?”

“Mmhmm.” He says as he climbs onto the bed and crawls next to Naoya, sliding himself under the blankets next to him. He rests his head on Naoya’s shoulder, nuzzling his head near his neck. He listens to the soft sounds of his breathing.

Naoya presses a kiss to the top of Satoru’s head. “You know, this is how I woke up this morning…..”

“You did?” Satoru asks as he tilts his head up to look at him. “Why didn’t you wake me up? I would’ve been so happy if I woke up like this.”

“I didn’t want you to be freaked out….. and I didn’t want to disturb your beauty sleep.”

“But…. I wouldn’t have been freaked out.”

“ Really?” Naoya asks, not believing him. 

“Mhm. Really.” He presses a kiss to Naoya’s cheek, and it instantly turns red. “I love how easily I make you blush.”

“I think you missed my lips.” He says as he gently places a hand under Satoru’s chin, carefully holding it while he presses a kiss to his lips. They remain kissing for a moment, breathing into each others mouth and pressing gentle kisses repeatedly.

“I don’t want you to go to work tonight.” Satoru whines.

“I know…. But I have to. Don’t worry, it’s my last shift and then I’m off for two days. We can spend my days off together this time, too. I don’t have anything planned.”

“We can!?” Satoru lights up, excited at the news.

“Yes, we can. You’ll survive till tomorrow, right?”

“Wait….Why don’t you come spend the night at my house tonight? When you get off work?”

“You really want me to?”

“Yes, pleaaaase… tomorrow is too long of a wait.” Satoru begs and whines, wanting to soak up every moment with his new boyfriend.

Naoya laughs at how dramatic he’s acting. “Don’t be ridiculous. You’ve survived way longer without me.”

“Yeah, but you’re mine now… I don’t wanna wait…” He continues to whine, holding onto him tighter like he’ll vanish in thin air if he loosens his hold on him.

“Are you just teasing me or are you serious?” Naoya asks, admiring his clingy behavior but unsure if he’s only doing it to be cute or if he’s actually serious. 

“I’m so serious. Spend the night with me…. please ? You’ve never been to my house before so you can finally see my cool room and all of my posters.” He says excitedly, imagining all the possibilities.

“ What about Suguru? ” Naoya asks, his face filled with concern like he’s about to turn down the idea.

“What about him?”

“Well… like… wouldn’t it be weird if I go over there? Considering everything….”

“No…you’re my boyfriend . It’s not like he can stop me from bringing you over.  It’s my apartment, too. ” Satoru says, the irritation apparent in his voice but not directed at Naoya. He knows Suguru will be bringing Saki over more frequently, so why couldn’t his boyfriend come over? He’d have to be a complete dick to ban Naoya from the house without banning Saki. It shouldn’t be a problem, and if it is, Satoru will handle it.

“I just don’t want to piss him off…”

Satoru shakes his head. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll handle him if he has a problem with it, okay? Just leave it to me.”

“Okay, if you really want me to….then I’ll come over after I'm done with work.”

“ Good . I do want you to. I want to spend more time with you…… A lot more time with you.” Satoru says, squeezing him a little tighter as he says it.

“You’re clingy, you know that?” Naoya asks, smiling down at him. 

Satoru nuzzles his head against him, closing his eyes as he smiles back. “Mhm, but you like it.”

Naoya softly laughs at how adorable he is. “Heh, I do. You’re right about that.” He presses another kiss to his lips, this time, a little deeper than before. Satoru turns onto his side, wrapping one of his legs over Naoya’s body and pulling him closer.

The two of them spend the late morning and afternoon snuggled up in his bed, pressing soft kisses to each other, with occasional conversing and mindless TikTok scrolling sprinkled in there. At one point, they were comparing their For You pages, with Satoru’s consisting primarily of cat videos and memes, while Naoya’s was filled with various kinds of artists painting and drawing. Satoru’s heart feels so full, in fact, every part of him feels full, his belly full of pancakes that were made from love, and his arms full with Naoya’s body that fit perfectly pressed up against his own. He doesn’t want to move from this spot, not now, not ever really. He cherishes the moment while he can, holding on to it for as long as possible, before Naoya has to get up and get ready for work. 

He didn’t know it would feel this good to have a partner, especially a partner who isn’t Suguru. He didn’t think he was capable of feeling something for someone else. Naoya proved him wrong. The way he kissed him, the way he looked at him, the way he took care of him without Satoru having to ask. The way he anticipated his needs, the way he remembered the smallest details of brief conversations they had. Naoya gave and gave and gave to Satoru over the past several weeks, and he wants to give back to him. He wants to give him everything he has, everything he deserves. He just hopes that he’s capable of it.

He never thought his new friendship would turn into this, and now that it has, he’s glad that things ended up this way. He thinks he can learn more patience, and Naoya can teach him that. He thinks he can learn more vulnerability, and Naoya will allow him that. He thinks he can learn to fall in love, and Naoya can show him how to do that. Satoru hopes that he will. 

It isn’t long before their time is up, and Naoya is kissing him goodbye before heading out to work. Satoru is leaving, knowing he’ll see him in a few shower hours, and heads back to his own house, wearing Naoya’s clothes and the purple bruises he left on his neck.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru makes it back home and the first thing he sees when he opens the door is Suguru sitting at the table, eating a meal for one. He glances up at the sight of Satoru in the doorway.

“Hey.” Satoru says as he steps inside and shuts the door behind him.

“Hi. Did you have a nice night? And considering today is almost over, a nice day?”

“Yeah, I did. It was good. You?”

“Um, it went great actually.” Suguru pauses, wanting to add more but isn’t sure what to follow up with. 

“Did her parents love you like I said they would?” Satoru asks, kicking off his shoes in the entryway.

“I wouldn’t say love , but everything went well.”

“I’m not surprised. I figured it would.” Satoru says, making his way over to where Suguru is sitting.

As Satoru walks closer, Suguru’s eyes catch onto his neck and he notices purplish marks lining his neck that can only be from one thing. His eyes grow slightly wider, and if Satoru didn’t know any better, he wouldn’t have noticed the subtle change in his expression. “Did you enjoy yourself?” He asks as his gaze flickers to his neck.

Satoru realizes immediately that Suguru is looking at his neck, witnessing his sins – or blessings, depending who you ask – from last night. He brings his palm to little trail of bruise marks on his neck, covering them though they’ve already been spotted. He can’t help but grin, butterflies filling his stomach as he thinks of his boyfriend, blush lining his cheeks, and says, “Yeah, actually. Very much so.” He doesn’t add anything else, just leaves it at that as he lazily walks over to the kitchen, looking for something to drink in the fridge.

“That’s good. Um, I didn’t know you were coming home so I didn't make extra food for you. But do you want me to make you something?” Suguru asks as he shovels another bite of food into his mouth.

“No thanks. I’m not really hungry. My…. um, boyfriend made me a good breakfast this morning. Pancakes, actually. So I’m good still.” Satoru doesn’t need to turn around and face Suguru to know that his comment must’ve gotten under his skin by the deafening silence that follows.

When Satoru finally turns back around, Suguru is no longer eating his food, just sitting there like he’s in deep thought, a blank stare on his face that could convince you he just murdered someone. Satoru pours himself a glass of apple juice and sips from his cup, and decides he’s going to go sit out on his balcony. He hasn’t been out there in a while now, since before Saki entered their lives and altered the course of Satoru’s future. 

He slides the door open and steps outside, soaking in the last rays of sunshine for the day. He slides the door shut behind him and sits on one of the chairs, letting the sun hit his skin, absorbing much needed warmth and light into his body before the sun goes down for the evening. Though summer was slowly coming to an end, it didn’t feel like it. The humidity was at its peak and Satoru could feel his shirt already sticking to his back, being outside for only a minute.  He sips his apple juice some more and hears the balcony door slide open. He doesn’t need to turn his head to look, knowing that Suguru has decided to join him as he makes his way over to sit in the other chair.

“So, you have a boyfriend now?” Suguru asks, resting his chin in his hand that’s propped up on the armrest.

“Yeah, I do.” Satoru says as he takes another sip of his drink. I don’t owe him anything. 

“Is… that the reason you wrote me the letter?” He asks like he’s in thought, trying to connect the pieces together.

Satoru shakes his head. “No, that’s not why.” He really doesn’t feel like explaining himself. Why should he have to tell Suguru how he feels about his own girlfriend? He obviously likes her too much, and that’s fine, he can like her if he wants to. Just like how Satoru can like his new boyfriend, and that’s fine too.

“Oh.” Suguru responds softly, something sad resting behind his eyes. “Well, I hope he treats you right.”

“Thanks. He does… I’m honestly really lucky.” Satoru smiles as he says it, thinking about how kind Naoya is. He always seems to have his back and have his best intentions in mind. It’s endearing, really. Satoru wishes he remembered more of their night together, wondering how Naoya responded to all of his touches and kisses for the first time. I bet his cheeks were red the whole time. God, he’s so fucking cute when he’s like that. 

Suguru interrupts his thoughts when he notices Satoru’s cheeks turning red. “I think he’s the lucky one. What’s his name?” He asks, twiddling his thumbs, anxiously waiting for a response.

“You’ll get to meet him tonight if you’re home.” A smile tugs at Satoru’s lips as he says it. 

A huge part of him hopes that Suguru isn’t going to be home tonight. As much as he told Naoya not to worry, he knows that shit will inevitably hit the fan once Suguru realizes who his boyfriend is. Naoya doesn’t understand how much he gets under Suguru’s skin, and certainly, Naoya feels the same way about him because of all the emotional stress he put Satoru through. The two of them will probably never get along, probably never even be cordial, and Satoru is okay with that. There’s already a rift between him and Suguru, so it is what it is. He’s already accepted that there won’t be a next lease, there won’t be any good blood left between them. So what use is it in trying to preserve what little remains? The river ran dry, their friendship probably already ran its course. 

“Maybe. I’m not sure yet… Saki is at a friend’s birthday party this evening, and she wants to see me after.”

“You didn’t want to go with her?” He asks, sensing that there’s something wrong with this picture.

“No, um, it’s not that. I would have… but she said it was a girls-only party, which is fine. She has her own life outside of her relationship with me.” Suguru says quietly, like he’s trying to convince himself that this is a good thing. Satoru doesn’t think so, but then again, he’s a clingy person. If Naoya had said he was going to a party, he’d want to go with, too.

“And you’re okay with that?” Satoru questions him, seeing right through his seemingly composed demeanor.

“Yeah, it’s fine.” Satoru knows it’s not fine. He and Suguru may be miles apart right now, but he still knows him well enough to know it’s not fine. You’re lying again. But he doesn’t push anymore, deciding to back off. 

As if on cue, Satoru’s phone vibrates and he promptly pulls it out, assuming it’s his boyfriend. Sure enough, there’s a text message on his screen. He smiles as he reads it.

[6:17 PM] Naoya: do you want to watch a movie when i get there or will you be too tired?

He wastes no time responding, knowing what he’s going to say. He quickly types out a message and hits send, realizing he needs to change his contact name to something else.

[6:17 PM] me: too tired? for you, never!! my vote = movie and cuddles

[6:18 PM] Nya♥: i like your vote :) 

[6:18 PM] Nya♥: do you want me to bring some snacks from the konbini?

[6:18 PM] me: yes plssss. you know what i like?

[6:19 PM] me: also, ur new name in my phone is Nya♥

He hears Suguru clear his throat. Satoru glances up at him, noticing that he’s been watching him type for the last few minutes. “Your boyfriend, I’m assuming?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna watch a movie tonight and he’s bringing me snacks.”

“Good for you, Satoru. If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you.” The way Suguru says it, he’s not convinced that he means it. It doesn’t sounds genuine, even though he’s trying hard to make it seem that way. 

“Thanks.”

He looks down at his phone and reads Naoya’s response that’s been sitting there for longer than a minute now. He can’t stand to keep his new pookie waiting so he doesn’t waste any more time leaving him unanswered. 

[6:20 PM] Nya♥: yes i do baby. Nya?? is it because you like cats so much?

[6:21 PM] me: nooo it’s because i like you so much ♥♥

[6:21 PM] Nya♥: awww

[6:21 PM] Nya♥: how dare you make me blush while i’m at work

[6:22 PM] me: it’s my favorite thing to do :) 

[6:22 PM] me: i miss u already

[6:23 PM] Nya♥: i miss you too baby. i gotta go but i’ll see you tonight, ok?

[6:23 PM] me: bye ♥

“So what time is he coming over?”

“Probably a little after 1am if I had to guess. He has to close at work tonight, so….” Satoru shrugs as he says it, pocketing his phone.

“Wow, that’s late. I’ll probably already be asleep or something, so I’ll catch him next time.”

“Yeah, there will be plenty of other opportunities.” Satoru says it and he means it. He wants to give this relationship his all. He and Naoya have always had such good chemistry and it doesn’t make sense not to give it his all. “He’s a keeper.”

“Hm.” Suguru hums, not even realizing he made an audible noise. He stands up from his chair and decides that he’s going to head back inside. “Do you maybe want to watch a movie with me to kill some time? We could pick a low-budget one from Prime? I added a few that look ridiculous to our list.”

Satoru looks at him, and considers it for a moment. Should I join him? It sounds like fun, considering it’s something that they used to always do together and they hadn’t done it for a long time now. It could be just like old times, lighthearted and fun, before any of this complicated shit took over and destroyed everything they had ever built together. 

As much as he innately wants to give in and tell him yes, he decides against it, knowing he shouldn’t open up that can of worms, especially knowing that Naoya would probably feel jealous if he found out that he and Suguru were on the couch together watching a movie. It just didn’t sound right, didn’t sound like something that friends should be doing, at least not something that Satoru-Suguru type of friends should be doing. It wouldn’t be fair to Naoya.

“No, not right now. I actually have something important to do.”

“Oh. Okay, that’s fine. Maybe later ? I’ll probably watch something by myself anyway so feel free to join in if you change your mind.” Suguru says nonchalantly, but Satoru can tell he’s hiding away again, that there’s more under the surface than he’s letting on. Why do you lie to yourself so much?

“I’m good, thanks though.” He declines, standing up to follow Suguru back inside. He watches as Suguru parks himself on the living room couch, and Satoru continues walking down the hall until he reaches his own room.

He decides he’s going to hide away for the evening and write Naoya his very first letter. He deserves it, after all. In a crazy turn of events, Satoru has a boyfriend and he’s actually feeling happy about it. He’s feeling hopeful, feeling like the world is unstoppable. Nothing can stand in his way, not even Suguru . 

Nya ♥

I love your nickname. It’s very fitting since you’re feisty like a cat. I think your personality is my favorite part of you. Wait no, it’s definitely your face. Wait no, it’s definitely everything about you. You are my favorite part. This is the first of many letters you’ll get from me… so you better get used to it. I’m so glad you took care of me that very first night. I didn’t know that we would meet again under different circumstances and that I would see you in a different light. I should’ve just kissed you then and there. You left your imprint on my heart and I don't think I'll ever forget you because of that. I’m so happy that you want to be with me and give me a chance... I don't know who or what hurt you, but I want to hurt them for hurting you. I understand why you always say you want to hurt my roommate. And don't worry baby, he’s just my roommate. That’s it, no bullshit. I can’t wait to see you tonight and make you blush over and over again. I love the way your cheeks glow when I kiss you or tease you. I hope that you like my room. You’ll get to see a whole different side of me when I let you peek into my life. Just don’t peek too hard, sometimes I can be a little messy. I can’t wait for you to be here with me already…. And my bed is sooooo comfy. I think you’ll love it and always want to sleep over. You will see why I spent so much time in it the last month and a half. You don't know how happy you make me feel already. See you soon.

Love, your extremely good-looking boyfriend, Satoru Gojo

He rereads the letter a few times, his heart fluttering as his eyes catch onto the words, doodling on the edges of the paper. He draws two little stick figures holding hands and some hearts around them. It’s perfect. I know he’s going to love it. He can’t wait to give it to him. He’ll hand it over to him tonight, and maybe he’ll even open it up and read it in front of him so he can watch his eyes and cheeks light up. Satoru just needs to kill some time so he can see him again already. Maybe he’ll nap, or maybe he’ll pick up where he left off on Digimon: Worlds. All he knows is that he doesn’t need to be in the living room, he doesn’t need to be on the couch, he doesn’t need to be watching low-budget movies with Suguru. 

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Suguru had felt nauseated almost every single day for the last few weeks and he knew it was because he hadn't been sleeping well. How could he, after he read the letter Satoru wrote him? What hurt him most was knowing that he hurt Satoru, and likely, any future chance with him if Saki ever left him in the dust. The timing of his confession was awful for Suguru for a variety of reasons, and he had tried his best to make two different people happy, even though he would have eventually had to make a choice. If he didn’t care about Saki, it would’ve been an easy and obvious decision. He could have just ripped off the band-aid and called her to break up with her the very moment Satoru confessed to him. There would be nothing else that needed to be said or done about it. Satoru would be happy being with Suguru, Suguru would be happy being with Satoru, and the rest would be history. 

But when Satoru finally admitted his feelings to him, if he was being honest with himself, it was already a little too late. Suguru had already been longing for more with her, more kisses, more intimacy, more time together. He still had feelings for Satoru, though, and believed that he always will, that it was an inevitable part of him that would never go away, especially not anytime soon.

Was it really Suguru’s fault? Could he really blame himself for wanting to continue his relationship with her and see where things lead? He had an almost perfect relationship, minus all of the recent events with Satoru that had complicated his feelings. He found a beautiful girl who is smart and kind, who will be very successful and hardworking someday, who comes from an upstanding family, and will make a great wife someday. He knew his family would be so proud of him once they finally got the chance to meet her. And he had already told her that he’d meet her family. Naturally, those were the next steps in a relationship. How could he have ended things with her when they were just beginning? 

He told Satoru that he would break up with her, that he would do it for him . And he thought he meant it at the time. But as it started to sink in, and he realized what he’d be losing, what he could possibly be missing out on with her, he started to hesitate. There was also a selfish part of Suguru that knew Satoru would probably wait around for him forever, no matter how long his relationship with her lasted, even if he said otherwise.

But after he read his letter, he had never felt worse. He didn’t expect Satoru to be the one to call it off. He thought he’d wait the full week and end up disappointed when Suguru couldn’t inevitably break up with her. He never expected him to be the one to put his foot down, to put an end to things before they even had the chance to begin. He didn’t know why it bothered him so much, but it did. It hurt something deep inside of him, hurt more than just his heart. It hurt his whole pride and confidence, his whole sense of self. It hurt to read the letter, and to read it again later, just to make sure he understood his message correctly and wasn’t poorly interpreting it. He didn’t know why he decided to keep it. It was a sore reminder of what he lost, what he never had the opportunity to start. And it made him feel worse each time he read it. He didn’t know why he tortured himself with it, but he kept it in his top drawer along with all of the other neatly folded letters he’d received from Satoru—letters that were much sweeter than that one. 

He had read it so many times that he had the muscle memory for the act of retrieving it. Pull open the top drawer, reach his hand inside and move it over to the right corner, grab the first letter on top, and pull it out. It became like a ritual, to read it once in the morning and once at night. It was an obsession, an itch that could never be relieved by scratching it, and smudge on a pair of glasses that could never be cleaned. He would obsess over the words and be reminded. Reminded why his house felt so quiet. Reminded why Satoru wasn’t talking to him much anymore. Reminded why he shouldn’t say anything more about it to him. He said to let it be the last thing that’s ever said about it, but I don’t want it to be. It doesn’t feel resolved. 

Suguru had battled with himself ever since he discovered the letter. He reached a point where he had it memorized, embedded in his mind, so he didn’t need to pull it out of the drawer and read it anymore. Still, it didn’t stop the thousands of questions that revolved in his mind about it. Did I mess up by not breaking up with her immediately? Am I wrong for wanting to continue my relationship? Should I have handled this differently? Did he really want to write this letter, or did he feel forced to? Am I this big asshole who is going to become unlikable to Satoru? Will he move on and find someone else? 

He tried not to think about that last question. He really tried hard not to think about it. He didn’t want to picture Satoru with someone else, even if he was still dating Saki. He didn't think he would be able to handle it because of how real everything would become, how painful it would be to watch him hold someone else. And to watch someone else hold him. It was a little easier for him not having to worry about it. Suguru would laugh to himself, knowing how ridiculous he was for thinking all this. I’m being such a hypocrite, aren’t I? 

But when Satoru came back home this evening, and Suguru discovered the markings on his neck, and discovered that he had a boyfriend, his whole world shattered. The one thing he never thought would happen, happened. And he immediately felt awful, understanding exactly how Satoru must have been feeling for the last month and a half. It was like a rude awakening, like sobering up after a long night and realizing what the hell happened while you were drunk off your ass. It was like seeing the aftermath of a storm passing through at night, not being able to see how horrible it was until the next morning when the sun was shining and everything was already destroyed. It was a punch to his gut, a punch to his throat, a punch to his lungs that suffocated him and choked him and made him want to scream. It was devastating. And it made him feel sick. Especially thinking about the pancakes. He definitely doesn’t want me anymore.

Suguru knew he couldn’t crack, he couldn’t let his facial expression falter. Not in front of him. He couldn’t let Satoru see his weakness, see how badly he fucked up, see how he made the wrong decision and was now stuck with it because Satoru was no longer an option for him. So he stayed quiet. He stopped eating because his stomach turned sour, his face probably turned sour too despite trying his hardest not to let it show. And then, Satoru went outside by himself.

So he scrambled. He went after him, trying not to look too desperate, but to try and find out who. And why? And how? It was the ‘how’ part of him that drove him the most crazy. How did this even happen? How did Satoru manage to find someone else, someone he actually had feelings for, right under his nose? Was Suguru just so wrapped up in his own relationship, and meeting his girlfriend’s parents, and in this ridiculous lustful state of his that he didn’t bother to notice Satoru slipping away from him?

He knew that they were slowly growing apart. He could feel it every time Satoru had avoided eye contact, every time he avoided making conversation with him, every time he left the house and would disappear all day long and sometimes, all night long. And he hated it, but there was nothing he could do about it. Suguru had made his decision, had made his bed, or his grave, and was lying in it. And Satoru had made his decision, had written his letter that Suguru had tragically memorized, had found someone else. Suguru was a little too late. The hypocrisy of it all killed him the most. Or maybe knowing that Satoru spent the night in someone else’s arms, someone who left marks all over his body, someone who kissed him stupid all night long, killed him the most. Or maybe when he told him that he was coming over tonight, and that Suguru would meet him, maybe it was that that killed him the most.

Regardless, he tried a last-ditch effort to rekindle whatever remained of their relationship. Low-budget movies on Prime video. He knew it would work, it had to. It always did in the past and he knew it always would. Until it didn’t. Until Satoru told him he was 'good', good without him. Probably better without me.

Suguru is sitting on the couch by himself, not paying attention to the movie he put on. He already feels upset that he can’t see Saki right now, and he feels even worse about Satoru. He knows he locked himself away in his room, probably hiding away like he always seems to be. He wonders why Satoru doesn’t even want to spend any time with him, not even watching a movie together like old times. Not even as a friend. He wonders if maybe he isn’t trying hard enough, isn’t fighting for their friendship enough, isn’t prioritizing Satoru anymore because of Saki. He doesn’t want to become resentful toward his girlfriend, but if she’s the reason why all of this is happening, then maybe he needs to rethink his relationship. He doesn’t want to lose Satoru forever, not like this, not to another man, and the fact that he has a boyfriend means that Suguru needs to fight for him like he never has before if he wants to keep him. How can I do that when the only thing he does is push me away?

Maybe he should talk to Shoko. Maybe he should just tell her about everything, ask her for some advice, ask her what she would do if she were in his shoes. She’d understand, right? She wouldn’t judge me for it. He thinks about it and considers it as a viable option.

Or maybe he should just focus even more on Saki, more than he ever has before. Maybe paying more attention to her, spending more time with her, being more intimate with her would fix this. Maybe it would make him feel better, make him feel more comfortable with his decision that he started to regret the moment he found out Satoru had a boyfriend. 

Or maybe, just maybe, he needs to release some tension. Maybe it’s time I give her what she’s been wanting. Suguru would be lying if he said he wasn’t avoiding sex with her. They had come close to it the last time she came over. They were laying in Suguru’s bed, cuddling for hours, making out until their lips were pink and raw. She had laid on top of him, his hands were caressing the soft cheeks of her plump, bare ass while she grinded her hips against him, practically begging for him to take his underwear off and let her slide onto his length. And he wouldn’t. He told her he couldn’t, that it wasn’t the right time. It really killed the mood…. but he just wasn’t ready yet. But maybe next time, he will be. Maybe if he sees her tonight, he will be.

He decides to send her a message and see if she still wants to see him tonight. Maybe she can come over, too, and he won’t have to come out of his room and meet Satoru’s boyfriend because he’ll be too busy with his own girlfriend.

[8:07 PM] me: Hi baby, do you want to come over when you’re done?

[8:08 PM] Saki: Not tonight, Sugu.. I’m sorry. It’s going to be a late night.

[8:08 PM] me: I thought you wanted to see me after? I don’t mind if it’s late, I’ll be awake.

[8:09 PM] Saki: I did want to see you after but we’re having so much fun and the girls are talking about spending the night….

[8:10 PM] me: I’m glad you’re having fun, just be safe if you’re drinking, okay?

[8:10 PM] Saki: i will be, which is why i wanna stay the night. she just brought out the alcohol (:

[8:11 PM] me: okay baby, so when will I see you?

[8:12 PM] Saki: maybe tomorrow?

Suguru doesn’t reply. He doesn’t really feel like it, granted he feels even more like shit knowing he won’t see her tonight. And she’s going to be drinking. Hopefully she makes smart choices, then again, at least it’s a girls-only birthday party. Suguru tries not to worry too much about that, knowing that she’ll be safe in someone’s house so she won’t be taken advantage of. 

His head is pounding, his heart is racing as he’s working himself up over Satoru’s boyfriend. He doesn’t want to be home tonight. He knows he will eventually meet him, probably crossing paths at some point sooner or later, but it can’t be tonight. Not tonight, when everything is too fresh and too raw and too real and too painful. It hurts, and he doesn’t want to sucker punch the guy in his stupid face the second he sees him. He wonders how he looks, if he’s taller or shorter than Suguru. If he has similar long, black hair to his or if he looks completely different. If he wears glasses, if he wears nicer clothes than he does, if he has piercings, or tattoos, or rides a motorcycle. If he goes to university with them, or if he’s older. What if he’s much older? Or younger. What if he’s barely out of high school?

Suguru wonders where the hell he managed to meet this guy. Did he go to a club exclusively for gay men and find him there? Did they have a meet-cute in the study room of a library like he and Saki did? Does he work at a cafe that serves Satoru his favorite sweet treats and discover his love for pancakes? He remembers that Satoru said he gets off of work at 1am, so that’s unlikely. Maybe he works at a nightclub, or a restaurant, or a bar. Now that he thinks about it, Satoru has been drinking a lot more since he’s been dating Saki. Maybe he met him at the bar.

It’s driving him crazy, and instinctively, he wants to go knock on Satoru’s door and ask him all these questions, beg him to give him a name so he can look the guy up and make sure he’s not a creep. Make sure he’s a nice looking person. Make sure he’s not some smug asshole who doesn’t deserve to touch Satoru. Make sure he doesn’t take advantage of him. Make sure he isn’t more attractive than Suguru. I hope he’s ugly so I’ll feel a little bit better. 

He decides that he’s not going to stick around to find out who this mystery person is. It’s not a good idea. He doesn’t want to have to kill the guy if he hears Satoru moaning in the night. The thought of it makes him sick. Even picturing him lying awake in bed, listening to muffled sounds of lips smacking against each other and giggling would be torture. He’d rather sleep elsewhere, anywhere else, so he can get a good night’s rest. Well, as good a night's rest as he could possibly get while knowing that Satoru has a boyfriend now. So, he decides that he’s going to see what Nanami is up to. Surely, he’d be okay with Suguru staying the night… especially if he lies and says it's to give Satoru some alone time with his new flame.

He unlocks his phone and calls Nanami, the phone ringing only a few times before he greets him.

“Hey Suguru, what’s up?”

“Hi Nanami… I’m just at home right now, watching a movie. Are you busy?”

“No, well, not right now. Yu and I are supposed to play board games with Shoko and Utahime in a little while. Sorry for not inviting you guys….but you can still come if you want to.” Nanami admits, feeling guilty for not saying anything about their evening plans.

“It’s alright. Maybe I’ll come over, who knows.” Suguru lets out a sigh.

“Is everything alright?” Nanami asks, and before he can answer, he adds, “The game we’re playing is only 4 players otherwise I would’ve asked. I figure you’ve been with Saki so much that maybe you’d have said no anyway.”

“Yeah, I’m fine… it’s just, she’s out with her friends tonight. And I have nothing to do.”

“What about Satoru? Why don’t you guys come over? It’ll still be fun, and we can always trade out so everyone has a chance to play.”

“Actually, I was calling to talk to you about him….”

“Oh, god. Did something happen again?”

“No, um, but he actually started dating someone and they’re spending the night tonight. I wanted, to um, give him privacy… if you know what I mean?” Suguru lies, hoping that Nanami won’t ask too many questions and take the hint that he wants to get out of his apartment for the night.

“Wait, did you just say Satoru is dating someone?” Nanami asks, sounding surprised. He can hear Yu in the background, saying it’s about time! 

“Yeah, he is. I just found out earlier today.”

“Wow, good for him! Now you guys can go on double dates, and maybe things between you guys will go back to normal.” Nanami sounds cheerful as he says it, completely oblivious to the reality of the situation. Then again, he has absolutely no idea about anything that has happened.

“Yeah, maybe.” Suguru says just to agree. “Would I be able to stay the night?”

“You know you don’t even need to ask. Of course, Suguru. I’m guessing I’ll see you here soon?”

“Thanks, I really appreciate it. You will. I’m just going to grab some things and then I’ll head over.”

“Sounds like a plan. You can fill all of us in on how Satoru managed to get a girlfriend. See you soon.” He says, bringing the conversation to a close. Suguru doesn’t even bother correcting him.

“See you.” He replies, ending the conversation with a single push of a red button. He lets out a sigh, knowing he doesn’t have anything to fill them in on. He doesn’t even know anything, let alone how he managed to find someone. And he’s going to have to break the news that he found a boyfriend, and not a girlfriend, though they shouldn’t be too surprised by that. 

Suguru grabs the remote and turns off the TV, not having the faintest clue of what the movie that was just on was about. He didn’t watch it, didn’t pay attention to it. Couldn’t pay attention to it. He heads to his room, seeing Satoru’s closed door on the way to his own, and grabs a few items of clothing from his drawers. He makes sure to grab his phone charger, too, and other toiletries that he’ll need for a night elsewhere. He wonders if he should tell Satoru bye before he leaves, letting him know that he won’t be there to meet his boyfriend tonight. Or maybe he already knows that, since he told him earlier that it was going to be too late and that he’d meet him next time. Either way, he decides not to say anything as he heads for the front door. He hates that this makes him feel weak, hates that he’s regretting his decision to stay with Saki more and more each passing minute. Hates that another man is about to come into his house and devour Satoru’s neck again. He hates it. Hates, hates, hates, hates, hates it. 

He grabs his keys and pulls the door shut behind him, not bothering to turn around and look back. There’s only moving forward now, as much as he hates it, wanting to turn back the dial of time and make a different choice. There’s only Saki now, as much as he regrets it, wanting to rewind to the night that Satoru confessed and break up with her. But he already made his choice, and for the first time in 6 weeks, he’s angry at himself because he chose wrong.

He was wrong to think that Satoru would wait around forever for him. If he had known that he wouldn’t have, he would’ve chosen him that night. That was his first mistake. He was wrong to think that it was too soon to end things with Saki. If he had known that it’d be easier to break up with someone before meeting their family, he wouldn’t have met them. That was his second mistake. And finally, he was wrong to think that Satoru wouldn’t find anyone else. If he had known that he’d get a boyfriend, he would’ve been with him instead. That was his third mistake, the most fatal and costly of them all. He knows this is going to kill him, granting him a slow and painful death. Maybe he thinks he deserves it, or maybe he just thinks he was an idiot for ever thinking he would be right about those three things.

Either way, he hates it all. And he regrets it all. But maybe it’s only because everything is so fresh, so raw, so painful, too real. He hopes that tomorrow, he’ll feel better. It’ll be a new day, and maybe he’ll see Saki and he can finally let himself give in to her desires and they’ll become his desires, too. Maybe, just maybe. Just get through tonight, Suguru. You can figure out the rest tomorrow.

Chapter Text

Satoru hears a soft knock on the front door, almost too soft to be able to hear, but he knows it must be Naoya. He had been waiting for him for hours, trying his hardest to kill time until he would come over. He heard Suguru leave the house earlier in the evening, unsure if he was planning to return or not, but he knew in his heart that it was Naoya who was responsible for those soft knocks. As soon as Satoru opens the door, his boyfriend is standing there with a grocery bag in one hand, presumably full of snacks, and a backpack slung over his shoulder. His eyes light up as he stares back at Satoru, not hesitating for a moment after being apart for several hours.

“Hi baby, I missed you,” Naoya says, leaning in to give him a kiss. Satoru returns it, wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him inside. He closes the door behind him and stands there for a moment, arms still wrapped around him as he takes in his scent. He loves the smell of his shampoo so much, taking in the full scent of it while his head is resting on his shoulder. He hopes he never forgets that scent, not in this lifetime, and not in the next. He’s wearing a large black T-shirt with gray sweatpants, and black socks with black Nike slides. He looks like he’s freshly showered, likely stopping at his house to freshen up before coming over, with his hair still appearing damp against his forehead.

“I missed you, too. You have no idea how bored I was…. I practically died without you.” Satoru says dramatically, still clinging to him with his head resting on his shoulder. He slowly backs away so he can look at him for a moment, his eyes searching his face to see if he looks just as happy and relieved as Satoru is right now.

“You look like you’re fine to me.” Naoya says with a soft laugh, looking around the place and taking everything in. His apartment looks different than he expected. For one, it was much cleaner than he thought it’d be, and it didn’t have many decorations, if any, at all. He thinks maybe he’ll paint something just for Satoru, just for him, to brighten up the space and change it from a blank canvas into a masterpiece. He slips off his shoes and leaves them neatly near the front door, right next to Satoru’s. “Why didn’t you take a nap?”

“I was too excited to see you. I couldn’t sleep….not even if I wanted to. Plus, I wasn’t even tired. I’m still not.” Satoru says while bursting with energy, trying to convince him that he would’ve pulled an all-nighter if that’s what it would’ve taken to see him again.

“Okay, whatever you say, babe.” Naoya says, smiling at him, noticing how his eyes are wide with excitement. Naoya is just happy to be here with him.

“So, this is my place. It’s not much… Suguru and I haven’t really decorated at all. Not like your house, anyway.” He pauses for a moment, thinking about how his room is a stark contrast to the rest of the house. “My room is a different story, though… it’s the opposite of what you see out here.” 

Satoru gives him a brief tour of the entryway that leads into the kitchen and living room so that way he can move on to the grand tour of his bedroom. “We can take your bag and stuff to my room.” He grabs Naoya’s free hand and laces his fingers with his. He gently pulls him along, leading him down the hall toward his room, pointing out the location of the bathroom along the way.

He pushes his door open, and Naoya’s eyes widen as soon as he sees his room, amused at the volume of colorful posters pinned to the wall. He sees Digimon and Sanrio posters above his bed, not to mention a TV stand with a Nintendo Switch and some extra controllers across from it, perfectly set up for gaming in bed. Naoya also notices his writing desk with stacks of paper on it, some blank stationery, and a few pens with Cinnamoroll and other Sanrio characters perched at the top of them. 

“Your room… it’s so… you.” Naoya says, grinning from ear to ear and admiring his collection of items. His eyes catch onto a large Cinnamoroll plushie near the foot of his bed.

“Well, what do you think? Do you like it?” Satoru asks, his eyes lighting up as he turns to Naoya, awaiting his approval.

“I do, baby. It’s really cool.” He says, setting the bag of snacks on his bed and pulling his hand away so he can slide his backpack off, too. “I didn’t realize you like Digimon and um, Cinnamoroll so much. Not that it’s a problem or anything….” He says, hoping he didn’t accidentally offend him somehow. Satoru smiles at him and goes on a tangent. 

“You have no idea. I’m borderline obsessed.” Satoru admits seriously. “I can spend hours browsing in stores for more things and never get bored.”

Naoya laughs, thinking it’s adorable. “I can tell…. I’ll keep that in mind.” 

“Oh, I know! We should go sometime soon! To Sanrio World in Ginza….or any Don Quixote, really. I can get you something for your room, too.” Satoru lights up again as he says it, like he just thought of the greatest idea in the world.

Naoya smirks at his comment and asks him, “Do I look like a Sanrio type of guy?”

“I dunno. But you’re my type of guy. So… I want you to have something that reminds you of me.” He says candidly, hoping to make his boyfriend blush some more. It works, because Naoya is suddenly glowing red again. “Oh, and before I forget….. This is for you.” 

Satoru grabs the small envelope that was resting on his desk, the one that says “Nya❤️” on it, and hands it to him. Naoya takes it, holding the little envelope in his hand and staring at his nickname written on it with a heart next to it. His eyes glance up at Satoru, who’s already staring at him eagerly, waiting for something to happen.

“What’s this?” He asks, his eyes shifting to look down at the little red heart that’s staring back at him. 

“A little something from my heart. I, um, wrote something for you.” Satoru answers shyly, rocking back and forth on his feet, anxiously waiting for him to open it and read it already. His cheeks are red, a shade that’s now matching Naoya’s.

“Aww, baby…. that’s really sweet.” He says, still admiring the envelope is his hands. “Do I open this now or later?”

“ Now !” Satoru shouts, unable to contain his excitement. “I wanna see how cute your reaction is. I love how red your cheeks get when you’re around me.” He says, bringing a hand up to his face and gently rubbing his cheek with his thumb. His thumb grazes over his lips and he’s never wanted a kiss this bad before, but he waits.

Naoya continues to blush, unable to stop smiling, unable to prevent his cheeks from burning from Satoru’s words and touch. It’s hard not to adore him when he’s so dang cute and clingy, always wanting to be touching him now that they’re together, his spirit vibrant and alive and excited and innocent like a little kid on a Christmas morning seeing a tree full of presents. 

“I don't think they can get any more red than they already are.” He says as he places the back of his head to his forehead and then to his other cheek, assessing his own temperature. He then fumbles with the envelope in his hands for a minute, careful not to tear it open carelessly so he can preserve its beauty. Once he pulls the letter out, his eyes are moving back and forth, line by line, a huge smile appearing on his face. It takes him a few minutes to get through it and take all of his words in. He notices the little stick figures that Satoru drew and looks up at him when he’s finished, only to find that he is already staring at him. 

Naoya doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t need to. He wraps his arms around Satoru’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss, the letter and envelope dangling from one of his hands, holding him there for a minute before pulling back and looking into his sparkling, ocean blue eyes. Satoru brings his other hand to his cheek, carefully holding his face with both hands.

“That was the cutest thing I ever read. I’ll cherish it forever, baby.” Naoya says as he tilts his head up toward Satoru and presses another kiss on his lips, unable to stop smiling, his cheeks still dusted with red and pink. He slowly breaks away from the kiss and adds, “No one has ever written me a letter before. Thank you.”

Naoya is a few inches shorter than him, and Satoru loves it. He thinks it’s adorable, the way he’s able to look down and see his expression, see the way his cheeks radiate with pink heat, the way his eyelashes flutter softly when he blinks, the way his little swirl of hair and bangs fall down onto his face. He moves one of his hands to brush some misplaced strands of Naoya’s hair to the side, out of his eyes, so he can look into them better.

“You’re welcome.” He says, holding his face gently for a minute longer. “I wanted to write you something special….. because you’re special to me.” Satoru’s thumb grazes his bottom lip, eyes flickering from his lips back up to his eyes. He slowly leans in and kisses him again, and again, and again. 

Poor Naoya hasn’t stopped blushing since the moment he stepped through his door. Satoru loves it, every moment of it. He loves seeing his boyfriend look so flustered, loves seeing his reaction and the way his eyes glow at his words and gentle touches and soft-pressed kisses. He can’t imagine this any other way, his heart filled with genuine happiness and excitement, his mind no longer swirling with thoughts of Suguru. When their tender moment comes to an end, and Naoya can get some proper air into his lungs, he gently tucks the letter back into the envelope, being extra careful not to tear anything. He unzips his backpack and places it inside, making sure it’s in a safe spot so it doesn’t get bent. 

“Um, are we watching the movie in here?” Naoya asks, unsure if he should get settled on his bed or if he should plan to get comfortable in the living room.

“It’s up to you, Nya. We can watch it here if you want, but my TV isn't very big. Or we can watch it in the living room on the larger screen. Whichever you prefer.” Satoru says, letting him know that he has options to choose from.

“Um, well… is… Suguru here?” Naoya asks cautiously, wondering where he is while simultaneously glad that he hasn’t run into him yet. Satoru shakes his head.

“Mm, no baby. He left a while ago. It’s just you and me here.” Satoru says, smiling at him, knowing that he probably prefers it that way anyway. He’s right because as soon as he says it, Naoya looks relieved.

“Hmm. Are you actually going to watch the movie? Or watch me the whole time instead?” Naoya teases, needing an answer before deciding on which TV they’ll use.

“ Can’t I do both? ” Satoru asks, his eyes flickering around his boyfriend’s face, watching his skin gradually become redder. He’ll never get over how cute he looks when he makes him blush. He hopes he never forgets it, taking extra time to stare at his face and burn the image into his mind forever.

“Yeah… I guess you can.” He looks down, smiling at the floor, heat rising in his body with the sensation of butterflies he feels in his stomach. “Bigger screen, maybe?” 

“That’s good with me,” Satoru says, grabbing the bag of snacks from the bed. Can’t forget those…. I wonder what he brought. “ C’mon, let’s go.” 

He takes his hand into his and leads him out of his room. Naoya follows him like a little puppy dog in love, allowing himself to be led around Satoru’s apartment. They end up seated on the couch, cuddled up next to each other with the bag of snacks still tied shut resting on Naoya’s lap.

“Can I?” Satoru asks, staring at the bag and then looking back up at Naoya. He smiles and hands over the bag, which is quickly opened by Satoru. He wastes no time pulling out a chocolate flavored Pocky pack and tears it open, one of the sticks already halfway in his mouth. “Want one?”

“I’m okay, baby. Those are for you.” He leans in to press a quick kiss to his cheek, watching as he devours the little package of chocolate covered sticks. 

Satoru turns his head and looks at him, realizing he was so excited that he was finally here, that he forgot to ask how work was. “I’m sorry, I didn’t even ask you… did you have a good shift?”

“Yeah, I did. I’m just happy to be off… and to be here with you now. My feet hurt after working 5 days in a row so I’m ready to relax for the next few days.”

Satoru’s expression shifts, frowning at his words like it hurt his own heart just as much as Naoya’s feet were hurting. “I’m sorry, baby… I bet they’re really sore. You don’t ever get to sit, do you?”

“Nope. But that’s what I signed up for.” He lets out a small sigh. “It’s okay, though. Just part of it.”

Satoru suddenly has an idea, a good one , too. “Do you want me to rub them for you?”

Naoya blushes, a look of embarrassment on his face. “ No, no… you don’t have to do that.”

“But what if I want to? You always take care of me so let me take care of you for once. Give me your toesies.”

Naoya giggles when he says toesies and he tries to pull himself together so he can protest the idea. “You already do take care of me by being your sweet self. Seriously, I’m okay, baby.”

Satoru shakes his head and rolls his eyes at him, the corners of his lips curving upward. “I don’t feel like I do enough for you. I mean, you still came over even though you’re obviously exhausted from work, and you even stopped to bring snacks for us tonight. So, let me rub your little feetsies.”

Naoya is having a hard time taking him seriously when he calls them feetsies. He’s equally embarrassed and equally amused. “You don’t need to do anything for me. You already do more than enough for me.” He says, trying his best to reassure him. “I’ll be okay, baby.”

“Alright… what’s your deal? You don’t like it when your feet are touched, or what? Everyone loves foot rubs….” Satoru wonders, not understanding why he’s declining the opportunity for a free foot rub from his handsome boyfriend. If the roles were reversed, Satoru’s feet would’ve already been up on his lap.

“I mean, I don’t know? No one’s ever asked to touch my feet.” Naoya admits, not understanding why this is such a big deal. He appreciates the offer, but can’t seem to figure out why he’s so insistent.

Satoru tries to find the cracks in his statement. “So you’ve never had a massage before?”

“Nope.” He says, probably wondering how different a life Satoru must’ve lived from him if he thinks that’s something he would’ve had. 

“Surely, your family must’ve gone out for massages? Yours is just as rich as mine.”

“No, well, maybe but it’s not like I would’ve gone with them if they did.” 

Satoru’s eyes grow wider, his expression turning more serious. “You’re not close with them?”

Naoya shakes his head. “No, not at all. I really don’t talk to my family much. It’s been a long time since I left, and I haven’t been back since.”

“You don’t miss them?” Satoru wonders, knowing he misses his own mom despite not having called her for a while now.

“If you knew my family… I doubt you’d ask me that.”

Satoru pauses for a moment, wanting to understand why he seems so distant from his family, almost like he doesn’t even care about them at all. “Well, tell me about them so I can know them.”

“Okay. What do you wanna know?” Naoya asks, like he’s an open book ready to display pages upon pages for Satoru to read.

“What are they like?”

“They’re kind of…. fucked up people. Don’t let all that money fool you…Really scummy underneath it all…. Especially my uncle….he cheated on his wife, knocked up some woman, and abandoned his kid. It’s really sad, but he’s a piece of shit.”

Satoru looks at him with wide eyes, unsure of what to say in response. He really has no idea, so he waits for Naoya to continue. Fortunately, he does.

“And then there’s my dad…. He's the current head of the family and thinks he knows everything. He’s easily persuaded by my uncle… kind of just bends to his will. He has no real backbone. Doesn’t even make decisions for himself…”

Satoru finally conjures something to say. “I didn’t realize it was like that… that sounds awful.”

“Yeah…. And my cousins are no better. Most of them are too young to even understand anything going on around them. I was once like that, too… so I remember what that was like.” He swallows and lets out a sigh before continuing. “A part of me used to want to be head of the family to see if I can fix things… make them better and give everyone a real chance in the future. But nothing will change. They’re destined for failure.”

“What’s stopping you from trying? You can always try, Nya…”

He lets out a sigh, his expression looking ashamed and regretful. “I don’t know… I’m kind of… this big disappointment.” 

“What do you mean?” Satoru asks, moving his hand on top of Naoya’s and holding on to it. He sets down the bag of snacks on the floor, wanting to focus on his boyfriend right now.

“My dad always wanted me to fill his shoes… to be just like him, to handle everything the way he does. And I won’t do that… I made it clear to him that I won’t. So I left them when I was barely 18 and moved to Tokyo on my own. It wasn’t easy… but I lived on campus for a while so that helped.”

Satoru lets his words sink in, feeling the weight behind them. He realizes that Naoya has had no support and has had to figure everything out on his own. He can’t imagine being in that position, not having any support at all, especially since his dad died. Satoru should probably really go see his mom soon. He’s thankful that he remains close with her and that they don’t have a strained relationship.

“And what about your mom?”

Naoya shakes his head. “My mom’s dead .”

It pummels Satoru in the chest when he says it. He notices Naoya’s face is soft, almost expressionless, but his eyes are looking glossier than they did even a minute ago. Satoru can’t help but notice it. He pulls him closer, letting the back of Naoya’s head fall onto his chest. 

“I’m so sorry, Nya…. I shouldn’t have asked—“

“No, it’s fine. You would’ve eventually found out. It’s not like I can keep death a secret, anyway.”

“I can’t even imagine how you must feel. I’m so sorry…. Do you want to talk about it?” Satoru holds him a little tighter like doing so would help take away his pain.

“Not really… I’d rather just be here with you.” Naoya says, smiling at him but Satoru feels like there’s something more underneath, something he’s not telling him. So he can keep death a secret, then. 

“Do you think I'll ever get to meet your family?” Satoru asks, treading lightly. He’s trying not to push him but he really wants answers, wants to know more about his family. 

“Are you really asking me that, even after everything I just told you?” Naoya asks, almost in disbelief that he still wants to meet the family he practically disowns.

“Yeah, I mean… I’m just wondering….” Satoru asks, thinking about how Suguru went to meet Saki’s family. Surely, he should eventually meet Naoya’s family, right? Especially if they’re serious about each other and they end up staying together forever. 

“ Probably not . They wouldn’t accept you.”

“Why not ?”

“For one, obvious reasons. They want me with a woman so I can produce an heir within our bloodline.” Satoru tries not to let his face falter when he says it. “Also, they don’t accept me in the first place so I know they wouldn’t accept you. After I left, my dad told me to never come back.”

Satoru feels horrible for his boyfriend. He really is all alone in Tokyo, well, maybe not anymore now that he has Satoru. He can’t help but wonder what his life looked like before he walked into his bar that night. Was he just always alone before me? Did he have other friends who he doesn’t talk to anymore since I’ve taken over his life? 

Satoru considers everything for a moment, and then decides on something. “Well… if you ever do go back, I want to go with you.”

“Do you mean that?”

“Mhmm. I don’t want you to face them alone.” Satoru says as he looks down at him, wanting to take care of him and protect him so nothing could ever hurt him. 

Naoya shifts his head and looks up to meet Satoru’s gaze. His eyes are gently shimmering back at him, Naoya getting lost in oceans so deep that he doesn’t know if he can swim in them. It doesn’t matter though, he would drown in them if it meant having an opportunity to look into them for even a second. Satoru leans in and presses a soft kiss to his lips, saying there for a while. Naoya melts into the feeling, allowing himself to lean into it, to let this man climb deeper into the crevices of his heart where he’ll be so lost inside of it, that he won’t be able to escape from it. Naoya wouldn’t ever want him to, couldn’t ever fathom the idea of losing him now that they’re this close, this intimate, this together.  

Their relationship has barely started but he already wants more, more, more. Naoya’s afraid— afraid he’ll fall in love, afraid he’s already fallen in love, afraid of the landing more than the fall. He hopes to burn this moment into his memory, so even if one day all of this crashes and burns, he can cling onto it forever. 

He pulls away and quietly asks, “Is it movie time now?”

Satoru nods, feeling bad that his boyfriend seems more sad, more quiet than before, with unresolved hurt lying underneath the surface of his calm demeanor. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked about his family yet. Maybe it was too heavy of a topic. He clearly misses his mom, too, the hurt seeming raw as it pierced through his eyes and glazed them over, and Satoru wonders if he’ll ever find out what happened to her. Maybe one day he’ll be ready to share that with me.

“What do you want to watch?” Satoru asks, his voice gentle and quiet.

“Anything is fine.” He says and lets out a soft sigh. Satoru doesn’t take that for an answer and immediately retaliates, tickling his ribs until he starts laughing. Naoya grabs onto his hands, trying to pull them off of him, but Satoru is strong.

“Pick a movie! Or else!! ” Satoru threatens, still with his fingers buried in his side, hearing Naoya’s laughs grow louder and more desperate, trying to squirm away from him and push off of him. Satoru wraps his arms around him tighter and continues tickling, keeping the threat going and refusing to let go until he complies. He’s strong, too strong, for Naoya to escape.

“Stop! STOP !” He cries out, tears in his eyes, laughing so hard and feeling like he’s about to pee himself from all the tickling. He can’t get away from Satoru’s tight grip around him. 

All of a sudden, Satoru stops tickling him and presses a soft kiss to his neck. He doesn’t stop there, as he continues to trail them down his shoulder, slowly and gently. Naoya is out of breath from the struggle, feeling extremely relieved that the sensation stopped. He might’ve actually peed himself if Satoru kept going a few seconds longer.

A breathless Naoya snaps, “Now you wanna be all sweet to me after that? Brat.” 

Satoru is grinning, extremely pleased that he successfully changed his mood. “I thought you needed to laugh a little.”

“You could’ve done that without tickling me.”

“I didn’t know you were so ticklish. Is that why you don’t want me to touch your feet?” Satoru asks, shifting the conversation back to Naoya’s feet.

Naoya glares at him, still recovering from the episode of tickling. “Do you have a foot fetish or something?”

“No… but I think you’d really like it if I rubbed them for you.” Satoru’s eyes are glowing. He genuinely wants to comfort his boyfriend, make him feel good, and take care of him. 

Naoya looks like he’s thinking about it for a minute, contemplating if he should give in or continue to stand his ground. “Hmm.. okay, fine. I’ll let you rub them on one condition…..”

Satoru lights up, excited to have the opportunity to do something nice for him for a change. “Okay, what is it? I’ll do anything…. I just want you to let me take care of you.”

“We have to watch Human Earthworm.”

Satoru rolls his eyes. “Oh my god, seriously ?” Satoru asks, smiling at how ridiculous his suggestion is. “Are you seriously gonna make me suffer?”

“Oh, come on…. there’s a reason these movies are so popular. It’s not that bad, and you already said you’d do anything, so… I expect my foot rub and the movie of my choice.”

“Do you hear yourself? Who’s being the brat now?” Satoru teases him as he says it, wanting to start tickling him again but resists the urge.

“Shut up… you like me when I’m bratty.” Naoya says, grinning at him because he knows he’s right.

“Can I at least finish eating my snacks before I touch your stinky feet?”

“ You’re an asshole . I shouldn’t let you touch my feet just for saying that.” He says as he crosses his arms, pretending to be upset. Or maybe he’s seriously offended by his comment. Satoru can’t tell. 

“Aww, I’m sorry… I was just messing around with you. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry, baby.” 

Naoya shakes his head, refusing to look at him. “I’m still mad at you.”

“I’m sorry, Nya. What do I have to do for you to forgive me? I was being a dick… I didn’t mean it.” Satoru says, trying to find the right words so he’ll uncross his arms and forgive him.

“Hmmph.” He says with arms still crossed, turning his head away from Satoru even more.

“Baby…. don’t be like that.” Satoru says and then starts grinning at him, despite his head still facing in the opposite direction. He’s cute when he’s acting mad like this. My little Nya forever being so fucking cute. He places his hand on the side of his face and gently turns his head toward him. He leans down closer so his mouth is right in front of his lips. “I just like teasing you. I’m sorry if I took it too far. Can I have a kiss?”

Naoya looks irritated but can’t resist, leaning in to close the gap and giving Satoru a quick peck.

“Is that all I get?” Satoru asks, his lips still waiting for more.

“My feet don’t stink.” Naoya snaps, his face still with a scowl.  

“You know… you look so kissable when you’re all mad like that.” Satoru says, not being able to stop smiling at him. 

Naoya rolls his eyes at him and ignores his comment. “I literally just showered before coming here.”

“Damn, babe. I’m sorry…..” Satoru genuinely feels bad for his comment. He didn’t realize it would bother him so much.

Naoya can’t keep this up anymore. His face falters and he smiles ever so slightly. “Hey, you still have a job to do. Rub my feet and put on the movie. Chop, chop. Time is ticking. ” 

“Okay baby, but can I have a longer kiss, first?” Satoru asks, his eyes glowing, hoping he’ll get to redeem himself from the quick peck he received earlier. This doesn’t feel resolved still even though Naoya is smiling and was probably just giving him a hard time. 

“We’ll see if you do a good job or not. And you have to pay attention to the movie, like actually watch it and not just drool over my feet the whole time.” Naoya says, giving him lots of demands.

“You’re bossy .” Satoru teases. “That’s gonna be tough.” He shifts on the couch so Naoya has more space to lay down. He grabs the TV remote and presses the power button, opening up Prime video and searching for Human Earthworm. He finds the first movie of the entire series. “Is it this one?”

“Mmhmm.” Naoya says, his arms still crossed in front of his chest. 

Satoru clicks on it and presses the play button as the movie comes on. “Baby, lay with your head over there and rest your feet on my lap.” He whispers to him, leaving a small kiss on the tip of his ear before pulling back. Naoya sits all the way up and pivots to lay down on the opposite end of the couch. He props his feet up on Satoru’s lap.

“ No more tickling. ” He warns, giving Satoru a death glare as he lays his head back against the couch.

Satoru grins, knowing that he was about to tickle his feet a little bit, but decides he shouldn’t upset him anymore. “Okay, I won’t…” He gently tugs off his socks, one by one, and sees his bare little toes. He instinctively wants to tickle him so badly. His toes are cute, and his nails are trimmed, and his feet don’t even smell like anything. Well, maybe like remnants of soap from his recent shower.

He starts with one foot, rubbing and massaging his fingers into the skin, pressing light pressure along the pads of his heel and the grooves of his arch. Naoya lets out a loud exhale through his nose.

“Is this okay?” Satoru asks, looking at Naoya’s eyes that are blinking slowly, gaze fixed on the movie.

“Yeah…. It feels really nice actually.” Naoya admits, turning his head to look at Satoru before fixing his eyes on the screen again. 

“ Told you. ” Satoru says, continuing to rub his foot. He looks at his cute boyfriend and adores him, his body all snuggled up on the couch with his feet resting in his lap, his eyes studying the events taking place in the movie, his little ears perked up as they listen to the narrator’s words. 

Naoya turns his head to look at him again and says, “Baby…. pay attention to the movie. I don’t want you to miss it.”

“Okay, okay, I will. It’s just…. I, um…. I can’t stop staring at you.” Satoru admits, blushing with his hands working on his foot still. 

“Please?” Naoya begs softly. “Do it for me ?”

How could Satoru say no? He smiles and nods his head. “Yes, baby. I can do it for you.” He looks at the TV screen, the narrator still droning on and on. This has got to be the most boring, sci fi shit I’ve ever listened to. Satoru tries to focus, but he’s still easily distracted by his boyfriend’s presence. He still can’t believe that he has a boyfriend, that they’re officially together, that he’s spending the night with him at his apartment, that he’s not thinking of Suguru. Everything feels so right that it's strange. It makes Satoru feel like he stepped into an alternate reality and is living his best life— a life that had never known Suguru. 

When he refocuses on the TV, he realizes he’s completely lost. He has no idea what’s happening and he hopes they aren’t too far into the movie. Maybe only a few minutes passed, or maybe 30 minutes already did. He has no idea. 

“So who is that guy? He’s supposed to be a doctor?” Satoru asks for clarification.

“Yeah, but he’s a really sick fuck. He’s been doing all kinds of nasty experiments in his basement…..and you’ll see what happens. I don’t want to spoil the movie.”

“Does he kidnap a guy and turn him into an earthworm or something?” Satoru guesses, the plot sounding highly predictable. 

“You have to watch, babe. I’m not gonna spoil it for you!”

Satoru sighs and rolls his eyes, switching over to rub Naoya’s other foot. “I will, I will…. It’s just… so predictable.”

“You think it’s predictable, but just wait, because that’s what I thought, too.” Naoya says, clearly into these movies for some reason that Satoru can’t understand. He likes that Naoya is so into it, though. It’s cute watching him explain things and appear so passionate about it.  

After a while, without even realizing it, Satoru is hooked on the movie and extremely invested. He actually feels horrible for the main character, being tortured and experimented on. Satoru wanted him to escape so badly, to get out of that terrible and disgusting situation and find happiness for himself. Kind of like how Satoru recently escaped Suguru’s captivity. He had been trapped for so long, stuck in this awful cycle of waiting around and being disappointed when nothing was happening between them. Feeling even more trapped when he started dating Saki, realizing that there was no escape from any of it. But he found his own happiness. He found Naoya. And he hopes that the main character will find his own happiness, too. 

He’s still mindlessly rubbing Naoya’s foot even though 30 minutes or so has already passed. He glances over at him and sees his eyes shut, mouth hanging open, fast asleep. My baby is knocked out. Satoru glances at the clock hanging in the wall and it’s a little past 2:30 am. He figures he’ll finish the movie so he can at least tell Naoya he watched it. That would make him happy.

Once the movie ends and returns to the main screen, Satoru is ready to wake up his sleepy boyfriend and take him to his bed. He lightly pats his shin, trying to wake him up, but Naoya doesn’t flinch. He’s out like a light.

“Baby….” Satoru says softly, hoping his voice will gently wake him up. There’s still no response, as Naoya continues breathing steadily, his lips parted with the sound of gentle snores coming from his mouth. “Baby… c’mon. Wake up.” 

He taps his shin a little harder this time, his hand gripping onto his leg and shaking him awake. Naoya’s eyelashes flutter and he groggily says something, but Satoru can’t make out the words. So he shakes his leg again. “Baby… come on…. let’s go to my bed.”

Naoya lifts his arm up and it falls right back onto his face. He starts rubbing his eyes, still closed, and he lets out a yawn. Satoru gently removes his feet from his lap and stands up. He faces Naoya, who is still laying on the couch and falling back asleep almost immediately, and he places one arm under his knees and his other arm under his upper back. He carefully begins lifting his body up, cradling him in his arms so he can carry him to the room.

Naoya’s eyes flutter open as Satoru lifts, and he gives him a small, sleepy smile as he realizes what’s happening. “Thank you baby….” He mumbles softly as Satoru is carrying him in his arms and walking toward his room. Once he makes it there, he gently places him down on his bed and grabs the blanket. He pulls it over him to keep his body nice and warm. He then slides in bed next to him, careful not to disturb his sleep, even though Naoya is blinking very slowly, with heavy lidded eyes that appear half-asleep.

“ Finally . I have you here with me.” Satoru presses a gentle kiss to his mouth and snuggles up close to him. He whispers softly, “Go back to sleep, baby.”

“Did you like the movie?” Naoya asks sleepily, his eyes now closed again. 

“Mmhmm. I did, baby.” Satoru whispers to him and kisses his cheek right beside his mouth.

“Did you really?” Naoya asks again, this time with excitement, his eyes fluttering open. “I’m sorry I fell asleep.”

“I did . And don’t apologize… I know you’re tired. Go to sleep, okay?” Satoru whispers to him, keeping his voice low so he doesn’t keep his boyfriend awake.

“No… I can’t sleep.” Naoya says, the corners of his mouth slowly turning upward, forming a smile, as he closes his eyes again and keeps them shut.

“Why not? You look like you’re about to pass out any moment now.” Satoru asks, staring at him intently, trying to figure out why he’s saying that when he clearly looks like he’s already falling back asleep. 

Naoya’s cheeks are turning red again, his face looking like he’s feeling flustered, giving away his motives. “Umm…. well, it’s kinda hard when I’m laying in bed with my hot boyfriend.”

Oh. It’s like that. “ Should I go sleep on the couch, then?” Satoru teases, knowing full well where this is headed.

“No, of course not, baby.” He buries his face into Satoru’s shoulder, holding onto him like he doesn’t want him to leave. 

“What’s wrong, then?” Satoru asks, playing dumb. “You can tell me…” Naoya shakes his head, still buried in his shoulder, his arms still wrapped around him. Satoru carefully slides his hand down, suspecting that something else is going on. His hand continues searching, feeling lower and lower until he’s at the spot between Naoya’s legs, his palm resting against his sweatpants where his hard cock is already bulging. Naoya lets out a quiet whimper the second he feels him make contact. “ Ohhh, I see what the problem is now.”

Naoya doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move. He just lays there, face pressed into his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“Are you wanting me to take care of that for you, baby?” Satoru asks, lightly caressing the area with his palm. Naoya flinches at the feeling, but shakes his head no, and murmurs something inaudible into his shoulder. “What was that? I couldn’t hear you…”

He turns his head, eyes looking up at Satoru’s. His eyes are full of desire, half-lidded, cheeks burning red with heat. “It’s my turn to make you feel good, baby.” Naoya says, waiting for his response.

Satoru shakes his head. “But making you feel good makes me feel good….”

“That’s not what I mean, though, baby. I want to pleasure you.” He says, pressing a kiss into the crook of his neck. 

“But what about you ?” Satoru asks, not wanting his boyfriend to be neglected and touch-starved. “Kinda seems like you need some relief….”

“Don’t worry about me…. Right now is all about you, baby. I mean, only if you’re okay with that.” Naoya says quietly, hoping he’ll take him up on his offer. He continues kissing softly into his neck, Satoru’s eyes fluttering as he feels each kiss.

“Mm, baby… yes…. yes, please .” He responds, feeling instant heat pooling between his legs, more blood diverting to his already stiff dick. 

“You have to tell me what you want me to do to you. I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do….” Naoya admits, wanting to make sure they’re only engaging in sexual acts that he’s okay with. The last thing he wants is to freak out his boyfriend, especially after what happened last time. He doesn’t want Satoru to feel afraid of being touched especially if he’s not ready, and he doesn’t want to be left with blue balls either. It’s a delicate balance, finding what pleasures both of them without taking anything too far. 

“ I want you to pleasure me .” Satoru whispers to him, like everyone in his apartment building would hear if he said it out loud. Naoya softly laughs and presses a kiss to his cheek.

“I know, baby, and I will. But I need you to be specific about what you want.”

“I—I don’t know what I want… probably everything . Do something to me, and I’ll tell you if it’s too much." Satoru says, a little nervousness apparent in his voice.

“Okay baby, let me know if I need to stop. We can go slow.” Naoya says as he scoots a little closer to Satoru, his body flush against him, and closes the gap between their lips, softly kissing him. He opens his mouth slightly and takes Satoru’s bottom lip into his mouth, lightly tugging on it. When he releases his lip, he pulls away slightly and asks, “Is this okay?”

Satoru laughs a little because of course it is. He nods his head and returns the kisses with fervor, the longer their lips are connected, the more hungry and desperate the kisses become. Naoya’s hands wander down to his boyfriend’s hips, his hand gently resting near the waistband of his pants. He slips a finger underneath the waistband, and lightly tugs. When they pull apart again, Naoya whispers to him and asks, “Can I take off your pants, baby?”

Satoru nods and wastes no time, helping by pulling his pants down until they’re completely off and tosses them aside on the floor. Naoya’s hands continue to wander downward, their lips pressed together once again with Satoru pushing his tongue past his lips. He softly moans into his mouth as Naoya’s hand palms his hard cock over his underwear, a large area already wet with precum. 

Naoya whispers to him again and asks, “Can I take these off, too?” Satoru nods his head again as Naoya hooks his fingers in the band and starts sliding them down until they reach his ankle. Satoru grabs them and tosses them on the floor, landing somewhere near his already discarded pants. Naoya shifts his body so he’s lying on top of Satoru, just enough so he can see his beautiful face beneath him. His hand wanders down his body again until it rests on his bare cock, which is already rock hard and leaking cum. Satoru moans at the sudden contact, feeling his gentle hand wrap around his length for the first time. He feels his thumb graze over the tip of his leaking head, spreading around the viscous fluid like a natural lubricant.

“Is this okay, baby?” Naoya asks as he gently grips around his cock more firmly, waiting for his approval before proceeding. Satoru nods once again and Naoya begins stroking him up and down, slowly at first. “ Fuck, you're huge, baby.” He whispers to him, genuinely reacting to the sheer size of his length, and it makes Satoru smile. “ How will I handle you with just one hand?”

Satoru is letting out whimpers as Naoya rubs his cock up and down, being extra careful to be gentle while also creating lots of friction for him. He’s loving every moment of his boyfriend touching him. The sensation is better than he could have ever imagined. He whispers back to Naoya, “You know… I love when you talk to me like that. ”

Naoya smiles, not even realizing the things he says when he’s in the moment half the time, and asks Satoru if he wants him to continue it. “Like what? You want me to tell you how pretty you look under me right now?” Satoru nods his head, his cheeks flushed. 

“ Please ..” He begs while Naoya is continuing to stroke his cock, each motion of his hand moving up and down sending shivers down his spine. Satoru’s breathing grows a little heavier and his toes are curling as the heat surges through his entire body. He doesn’t want him to stop. As soon as he thinks that, Naoya releases his hold on his dick, Satoru wishing he could grab his hand and force it back onto his now throbbing erection. Naoya brings a finger up to Satoru’s lips.

“Open.” Naoya gently commands, and then hesitates, becoming hyper aware of the way that sounded. He whispers ever so softly, “Is that okay?”

Satoru laughs lightly again and nods. “Baby… I really appreciate you being so gentle with me but I promise I’ll tell you if I’m not ready for something, okay? Keep going… please baby….” He begs, wanting more of Naoya. It was getting harder and harder to be patient with how slow Naoya was moving, Satoru craving more of his touch with each passing second, especially since his hand was no longer stroking his aching, throbbing erection.

“Open up, baby.” Naoya commands again, gently pressing a finger to his lips. “I need you to wet this for me.” Satoru gladly accepts it, sucking his finger gently all the way to the base, his tongue gently gliding along the length of his middle finger. “Yes, baby. Just like that. Get it all nice and wet for me.” 

Satoru does what he’s told and sucks on his finger well, making sure to lather it with spit. Naoya gently pulls his finger out of his mouth and whispers, “Now, will you spread your gorgeous legs for me?” Satoru nods without protest, opening his legs wider and bending his knees to give his boyfriend better access. 

Naoya’s hand trails downward until he reaches Satoru’s hole again. He gently touches the pad of his finger to his hole, and Satoru flinches again, except this time, he doesn’t close his legs. In fact, he slightly opens them even more, signaling that he’s ready for what’s going to come. 

“Good boy.” Naoya whispers into his ear. He slowly pushes the tip of his finger in and watches it sink into his opening, Satoru letting out a strained moan as he feels a slight burning sensation. He stops for a moment and whispers again, “Are you sure this is okay baby?”

“Mmhmm.” Satoru says, his voice strained, his breathing a little heavier now.

“Try to relax baby, it’ll be easier for you.” He says as he presses a wet kiss to his neck. “Let me know when to keep going.”

Satoru catches his breath for a moment and then begs. “Please keep going….”

Naoya obliges and slowly pushes his finger a little deeper, slightly stretching his tight little hole. Satoru lets out a moan, and Naoya can’t tell if he’s in pain or feeling pleasured. “Am I hurting you, baby?”

Satoru shakes his head no. “No… I can take it. Just… please keep going.”

Naoya presses another kiss to his neck and slowly advances his finger, reaching the base of his knuckle. Satoru lets out a gasp, his cheeks flushed and his breathing heavy again as Naoya’s finger remains still, pushed deep inside of his ass. “Let me know when I can move my finger, baby.”

Satoru nods, his breathing shaky, as he clings onto Naoya like a koala bear. He wants this so badly, wants to be pleasured, wants to be filled with his touch. He just needs to handle this…. Because surely, one finger is nothing compared to Naoya’s massive girth. One day, he’ll be ready for it. Probably not tonight, though.

“You can keep going.” Satoru says, giving him permission now that his breathing has returned to normal and he feels well-adjusted to the stretch. Naoya begins working his finger in him, gently pulling out a little and sliding back in, his erection growing harder with each of Satoru’s whiny little moans in his ear. He curls his finger inside of him, pressing against his smooth muscle, hitting a spot that Satoru didn’t even know existed, and he lets out a loud moan.

Naoya continues to finger him, his lips pressed into his neck so he has easy access to whisper into his ear between kisses and soft bites along his neck and jawline. “ You’re so tight, baby. I bet you’d feel so damn good around my cock.”

Satoru whimpers at that, not knowing how badly he needed Naoya whispering filthy shit in his ear. He can’t believe that just a little bit ago, he thought Naoya would be asleep for the night. It seems so ridiculous now, with Naoya breathing down his neck, his finger buried deep inside of him, working little moans out of his mouth.

“I love your tight hole, baby. It’s all mine…. and mine only. ” Naoya whispers, a second finger attempting to slip into his hole beside the first one. “Think you can handle another one?”

Satoru nods, moaning softly and then lets out a gasp the moment his second finger joins the first. He feels the stretch even more this time, a burning sensation as his muscles clench around the second finger. Naoya slows down again, making sure he’s well adjusted before continuing to work his fingers inside of him.

“ Fuck , you know how to take my fingers so damn well, baby.” He whispers as Satoru begins to look like a hot mess. His forehead is sweaty, cheeks flushed, hair all over the place and stuck against his skin. He’s panting, desperate for me, craving more stimulation and more of his touch. “ You were made for this.”

“Mm baby… keep going…. Please….” Satoru begs, the feeling of ecstasy creeping between his legs like he might explode soon if he’s not carefully restraining himself. Between the stimulation from being filled with Naoya and the words that are softly spoken into his ear, he feels an impending sensation, desperate for release. His cock is aching and he wants to be relieved badly, probably more than he’s ever wanted to be relieved in his life, but he also doesn’t want this to end. Naoya starts moving his fingers again, this time spreading them wider, scissoring them apart, stretching his tight, responsive hole. Satoru’s muscles relax and then clench up again, fitting firmly around his fingers.

“ You’re filthy …. squeezing my fingers like that. Who knew you’d be moaning for me, looking so desperate underneath me, begging for me inside of your tight hole?” Naoya whispers, continuing the dirty talk that riles Satoru up like crazy. He doesn’t know if he’s going to last, not like this, especially if he continues speaking like that. “You’re so fucking pretty, baby.”

Satoru’s moans grow a little louder, his body still clinging onto Naoya, his fingers digging into his back like he’s a lifeline that he won’t ever let go of. He doesn’t want this to end, doesn’t want to spill hot cum all over the place. Not yet.

“ Don’t cum …. Not yet, baby. I’m not done with you.” He says, noticing that Satoru is getting extremely close with the way he’s trembling and panting, the way his moans have grown more hungry and whiny and desperate. “Am I pleasuring you well?”

Satoru nods and lets out a weak and breathy, “Mhm” into his ear. Naoya clearly knows what he’s doing. He’s experienced with this…. At least with the dirty talk, that’s for sure. Probably with his fingers, too. It’s making him wild, making it extremely hard to hold back and not give in to the surging volcano that’s desperate to erupt.

Naoya carefully begins trailing kisses down his neck and then pulls back to look at Satoru’s face for a moment. His cheeks are red, he’s still panting, and he looks drenched with sweat. Naoya reaches for the bottom of Satoru’s shirt and begins to pull it up, the other man not protesting and even taking over, removing his own shirt the rest of the way so Naoya can keep his fingers buried inside of him. He tosses the shirt on the floor, joining the other discarded items into the dark abyss of his room. 

Naoya takes a moment to bask in the sight of his bare body, perfectly naked, illuminated just enough to see the curves of his waist and the muscles of his abs. He leans down and resumes kissing along his neck, working his way down to his collarbone and to his chest. He continues kissing down his chest and to his stomach, sliding his body down further as he goes. He reaches Satoru’s groin and presses kisses there, too, positioning his face near Satoru’s leaking dick, his fingers still inside of his perfect, pink little hole. He presses a gentle kiss to the tip of his penis, his lips wet with spillage from Satoru. He looks up at him for confirmation to continue. “Can I?” 

Satoru nods without hesitation, his legs starting to squirm as Naoya continues working his fingers inside of him. He licks a long strip on the underside of his dick all the way until he reaches the tip, swirling his tongue around the head and lapping up his lightly drizzling cum. He slowly wraps his lips around his head and looks up at Satoru, whose eyes are rolling back in his head. He takes his time, making sure to take extra good care of his boyfriend, pushing himself down as far as he can go until his eyes are watering and throat is burning, but he still can’t reach the base of Satoru’s cock. He’s just too long. Or Naoya is way too inexperienced at sucking dick. It is his first time after all. 

After a few minutes of sucking and working hard to pleasure him, he briefly comes back up for air, freeing his cock from his mouth. “Am I doing a good job?” He asks, cheeks flushed and eyes watery from almost choking on his length for the past few minutes. Satoru places his hand on Naoya’s cheek and holds his face for a moment.

“ Baby…. You have no idea how good you’re doing.” He says, out of breath and with lust in his eyes. He’s never been pleasured like this, never been taken care of like this. And he feels like he deserves this. He deserves to feel good after feeling awful for so long. He needs this. He needs a boyfriend, needs Naoya, needs this kind of intimacy. Even if it means forgetting about Suguru completely and allowing himself to be happy with someone else. 

Naoya smiles, his lips already a little swollen and glistening with remnants of spit, as he goes back down and swallows him whole. He tries to go deeper, once again reaching that point in his throat where his eyes are watering and he can’t push past, but he gradually bobs his head up and down, making sure to pleasure his entire length as much as he physically can. His fingers are pushing into him and curling as he works to ensure his boyfriend is completely pleasured at every site. Satoru lets out a groan with each attempt to take him deeper, his hips thrusting into his mouth. Naoya makes a choking noise and quickly pulls off, gasping for some air, a string of spit trailing from the head of his penis to his lips.

“ Shit, I’m sorry babe….” Satoru says, realizing that he probably killed him with that thrust.

Naoya shakes his head and removes his fingers from Satoru’s hole. Satoru lets out a gasp, not well prepared for the sudden removal and immediately feels the lack of stimulation, missing the feeling of Naoya’s perfectly long fingers filling him up. Naoya wipes his mouth with the back of his forearm. “It’s okay, really. I’m just…. not very good at this yet.”

“Baby… you’re fucking perfect. You have no idea….and you look so damn hot down there, choking on my dick like that.” He gently rubs the side of his face, like he’s trying to heal him with the touch of his fingertips grazing his jawline and chin. “You don’t have to keep going. I’m more than satisfied with what you’ve given me, seriously.”

Naoya won’t take that for an answer. Not until Satoru has an orgasm and makes a mess inside of his mouth. “But I want to keep going.” He says, pleading with him. “Can we try something?”

Satoru looks at him and nods in approval, wondering what it is he wants to try. Naoya sits himself up on the bed and then slides down onto the floor, still on his knees. He reaches for Satoru’s hand and gives him a light tug. “Stand up, baby.”

Satoru looks at him confused, not really sure what’s happening, but follows instructions and gets up from the bed, his poor leaking dick hanging there at full erect, begging to be touched.

“I want you to use my mouth….” Naoya says with some nervousness in his voice. “Thrust into me, baby.”

Satoru looks at him like he’s crazy. “What? Nya… I don’t want to hurt you.” He shakes his head.

Naoya wraps his arms around the back of Satoru’s thighs and pulls him closer, working to line up his waiting cock so it’s positioned directly in front of his mouth. Naoya looks up at him, his eyes pleading to take him into his waiting mouth. He looks hungry for more, desperate to taste him again, completely filled with lust and it’s all because of Satoru. God, he looks fucking beautiful on his knees for me. Naoya’s hands are still trying to pull Satoru closer, but he stands firmly in place and resists, not wanting to choke him or gag him again.

“ Please… I want this.” Naoya begs, his lips swollen and ready to take him back into his mouth. The shine of spit on his lips is like an invitation, almost begging for Satoru to insert himself in there guilt-free, but he still hesitates.

“I—I don’t want to… um.. make you gag.” Satoru says, still unsure of himself. Truthfully, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to stop once he starts. He’s never done anything like this before, and he doesn’t know if he can control himself. Not with Naoya looking so pretty on his knees, his hair a mess, his cheeks glowing, his eyes half-lidded like he wants to pleasure his boyfriend more than anything in this world. 

Naoya shakes his head. “ Use my mouth. Please , baby.” He begs again, and Satoru falters. He really can’t resist. Not when he says it like that. Not when he looks like that. Not when he’s on his knees, at his house, in his room alone at 3 am, pleading like he’s never wanted anything else more in his life, like that. Satoru lets his cock enter into his mouth and Naoya gladly accepts it. He pushes in a little deeper, his hips slowly and gently beginning to thrust into his mouth. His hand naturally holds the back of Naoya’s head, lightly pushing him as he bucks his hips forward, pushing deeper into his mouth.

Naoya’s grip on his thighs tightens, pulling Satoru deeper into his mouth with each thrust. Naoya knows he’s holding back, trying to be gentle, trying not to hurt him, but he doesn’t want him to hesitate so much. Satoru is developing a steady rhythm, his thrusts well timed and even, as he continues fucking into his mouth. The noises coming from Naoya’s mouth alone are enough to make him spill into him as he fights the urge that’s building up. He continues thrusting his hips, making a soft grunting noise with each one, feeling overwhelmed with the sensation of how hot this is.

Naoya looks perfectly content with his mouth being used in this way, his eyes looking up at Satoru, his lips swollen and glistening around his hard cock, tears in his eyes from taking him so deep. Naoya is really trying his best to pleasure his boyfriend, and it’s apparent to Satoru. He’s so damn perfect. I really couldn’t ask for anything more than this. I don’t want anyone else to pleasure me like this.

He can’t hold it anymore. He’s about to release a full load into his mouth. He feels a surge of heat course through his body, like an electric shock, and it travels out his tip and shoots straight into his boyfriend’s throat, a direct hit. Naoya makes a moaning sound as he’s filled with his boyfriend’s warm load of cum. He swallows the full load, not bothering to waste a single drop, with Satoru’s cock still buried inside his mouth. He’s quickly becoming too sensitive, but he’s too dazed to care. Satoru is panting, his legs trembling, not wanting to move an inch. Naoya slowly pulls off of him and looks up to meet his eyes. He looks like a gorgeous mess after being face-fucked, and Satoru just wants to kiss him.

“Kiss… me…. Please, kiss me, baby…” He says breathily, arms reaching out to him. He grabs onto his arms and helps pull him to his feet. He immediately kisses his swollen lips, opening his mouth so their tongues will collide, tasting remnants of himself on the other man’s tongue. Satoru moans into his mouth, as he grips onto his waist, pulling him closer to his half-hard dick. Somehow, even after all of that, Satoru is still partially erect. He pulls back slightly, and asks directly into his mouth, “Is it your turn now?” 

Naoya smiles and closes the gap between them completely, kissing him again. When he pulls away, he shakes his head and says, “Tonight was all for you, baby. We can worry about me another time.”

He’s so sweet. It’s not that Satoru doesn’t want to pleasure his boyfriend in return, but he’s feeling completely drained after that. He smiles at him, wanting to confirm that he’s not just leaving him hanging. “Are you sure, baby? I don’t mind—“

Naoya shakes his head and cuts him off before he can finish. Tonight, he’s willing to sacrifice his own pleasure. “I’m positive. Let’s go to sleep.” He gives him another slow kiss, his hand gently holding his chin while he remains pressed against his lips, his eyes fluttering shut. 

When they pull away from each other, Naoya bends down to pick up Satoru’s discarded underwear on the floor. He hands it over to him, and Satoru slides them back on while Naoya climbs back into bed, still fully clothed. He pulls the blanket up over himself while Satoru slides in next to him, Naoya’s arm stretched out so he can snuggle up close to him. Satoru rests his head on shoulder and Naoya curls his arm around him, pulling him closer. He places a soft kiss on his fluffy, white head of hair and feels him shift even closer to him. 

“Are you sore, baby?” Naoya asks, wanting to make sure he’s okay. He feels Satoru shake his head.

“Not really, I’m okay.” Satoru says, his eyes closing as sleep begins to take over his body from the pure exhaustion of the adrenaline rush.

“Okay good. I hope I wasn’t too rough.” Naoya comments, his voice with concern.

“Mm-mm.” He says, shaking his head with eyes still shut. “It felt really good… just need to get used to it.”

Naoya smiles, knowing that by him saying that, it means he wants to do it again. He can’t wait until they reach the point where he can fuck him silly and watch him writhe around helplessly underneath him. But that will have to wait. For now, he wants to be gentle with him. Wants his body to get used to him, used to his touch, used to his fingers. He presses another kiss to his head.

Satoru is falling asleep, the sound of gentle breathing filling the room as Naoya closes his eyes too. When he’s certain Satoru is asleep, he lets out a quiet, “Goodnight, my love. ” It doesn’t take long until he’s fast asleep too, his breathing synced with his boyfriend, his heart beat synced with his boyfriend, his arms wrapped around his boyfriend. Both boys get the best sleep of their lives that night. 

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Suguru is at Nanami’s house, already being pressed with questions since the moment he walked through the door. If he’s honest with himself, he thinks he might regret coming here. Since the discovery of the news of Satoru’s partner, that’s all anyone seems to want to talk about. He’s sitting at the dining room table with Nanami, Haibara, Shoko, and Utahime. 

“So, Satoru has a girlfriend now, huh?” Haibara asks, his face with a huge smile across it.

“Something like that…” Suguru admits, not wanting to correct him. It’s not my place.

“Have you already met her?” Nanami asks, sensing hesitation in his voice. 

“No, I haven’t… and um, I'm not entirely sure it’s a her. ” Suguru says, finally addressing the elephant in the room. Shoko’s eyes grow wider as her brain makes a rare connection, likely remembering her previous conversations with Satoru. Suguru doesn’t pay attention to it. He’s none the wiser.

“ I knew it!! ” Utahime shouts like she just won a bet. “I knew it wasn’t a girl!”

“Wait, hold on, Utahime. Suguru didn’t confirm or deny anything. He just said he wasn’t sure.” Nanami corrects, not convinced that Satoru could have a boyfriend instead. Utahime flashes a look at Suguru, trying to find the cracks behind his perfectly crafted, calm and collected expression. 

“Well?” Utahime says, expecting an answer. 

Suguru shrugs. “I don’t know…”

“What do you mean you don’t know!? You live with him , don’t you?” Utahime snaps, not understanding why he doesn’t have more details to spill. Shoko has a knowing look on her face, but Suguru can’t interpret it.

“We haven’t really talked much… I’ve been busy with Saki.” He admits, trying to come up with a valid excuse, though he knows it’s not the whole truth. He has been busy with her, but he knows that’s not the reason why.

“So you don’t know anything ?” Haibara asks, wishing that Suguru had another answer for them.

Suguru shakes his head. “All I know is he’s dating someone, and it’s their first time over tonight. And he wanted some privacy. That’s it .”

“I told him that he can go on double dates now,” Nanami says, directed to their friends and then looks back at Suguru. 

Utahime looks at Suguru, and then at everyone else. She opens her mouth to suggest something. “Why don’t we plan something with all of us?”

Suguru lets out a sigh, and before he can protest, it seems like everyone else already has something to say about it.

“Yeah, we can do a group hang out!” Haibara cheers, excited to make plans with everyone and meet Satoru’s special person. 

“What about that place we went to last time? The food there is to die for .” Shoko says, her mouth watering as she thinks about how delicious the food is. “And since Satoru missed out, he can redeem himself.” Shoko glares at Suguru after she says it. He notices, and quickly looks away, feeling ashamed that he was the reason why he didn’t go with them.

“Yeah! We can go on their karaoke night again!” Haibara says excitedly, the plans already being solidified in his head.

“Just don’t drink too much again, Shoko.” Utahime warns, a look of concern on her face. “You always get carried away at that place.”

“I’ll be fiiiine.” She says, lightly nudging Utahime and poking her shoulder. “You worry too much about me.”

Utahime’s cheeks are dusted in pink. “I just don’t want to have to deal with your antics.”

“You like my antics.” Shoko says, smiling at her and batting her eyelashes at her.

Nanami and everyone else seems to ignore their banter, leaving the two women to duke out their flirting or whatever it is they’re doing.

“Anyway, we can plan to do that. We should probably go sooner rather than later since university is starting up again soon.”

“What about next Tuesday?” Haibara asks, hoping everyone is free.

“I have no plans, so that works for me.” Utahime chimes back in.

“Tuesday is good.” Shoko says and turns to Suguru and Nanami. “I’ll text Satoru and make sure he’s able to come this time. Oh, and his partner, too.”

“Tuesday works for me, too. Suguru?” Nanami asks, everyone’s eyes fixed on him, waiting for him to give his answer.

“Yeah, that should be fine. I haven’t made plans with Saki yet, so… as long as she’s free, then that’s fine.” Suguru says, not feeling up to a group hangout but what choice does he have when everyone seems so excited to get together and to meet Satoru’s partner? He lets out a sigh, not even realizing it until all of his friends are still looking at him.

“Is everything alright?” Utahime asks. “You seem…. bothered.”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Suguru lies.

“Are you and Saki doing okay?” Nanami asks cautiously, not wanting to open a can of worms if he doesn’t have to.

“Yeah, everything is good. She’s just… busy tonight, that’s all.”

“Do you miss her?” Haibara asks, trying to guess what it is that’s plaguing him. 

Not as much as I should. Right now, he misses Satoru. Badly. He knows he fucked up. Badly. He’s feeling deep regret and it’s making him physically sick. He can’t show it though, not here, not right now. Not in front of his friends. He lets out another sigh and lies again. 

“Yeah… I do. But I’ll probably see her tomorrow.”

“That’s good.” Nanami adds. “I imagine it’s hard when you’re used to being around someone so much.”

Nanami is preaching to the choir. Suguru was so used to having Satoru around all of the time, and now that he’s not available anymore, he worries that he’s lost him forever. He hates it so much, especially because it feels like there’s nothing he can do about it. It’s completely out of his control now. Satoru didn’t want to wait around for him, and Suguru couldn’t blame him for not wanting him to. He just never expected him to find someone else. His heart hurts, thinking about the recent time he tried to make breakfast for him, thinking about earlier when he asked if he wanted to watch a movie with him. He already lost him, and the emptiness he feels around him is so, so loud. It deafens everything else around him. He feels like an empty shell. I must be cursed.

Suguru says nothing and nods his head. The room in the air shifts, and it’s not long before they’re pulling out a board game. They start with Monopoly, Suguru opting to sit out and watch instead. The game goes on for what feels like forever, and Shoko is the first to go bankrupt. Utahime laughs at her as she rants and raves about how stupid the game is and how it’s such bullshit.

“That’s just how monopoly works, Shoko. It’s never fair for the little guy.” Nanami says it like he’s trying to teach her a valuable lesson about life.

“Oh, shut up. You guys stress me out.” She rolls her eyes. “I’m gonna go smoke.” She promptly gets up from the table and looks back at Suguru. “Care to join me?” 

He nods and stands up, following her toward the back patio, pulling out chairs and sitting down next to each other as she lights up a cigarette. She takes a long drag and exhales, turning her head away from Suguru, as they sit in silence for a couple minutes. Shoko is the first to break it.  

“So, are you gonna say what’s really bothering you? Or are you going to keep pretending it’s because you miss Saki?” Suguru’s eyes grow wider, caught off guard that she somehow saw right through him. He should’ve expected her to, should’ve expected that she would. She always seemed to know the truth behind everything, even without anyone telling her anything.

“What are you talking about?” Suguru tries to continue the facade.

She shakes her head at him, clearly unamused, inhaling and exhaling a cloud of smoke, and then continues. “Okay, so you’re gonna keep pretending I guess.” 

Suguru doesn’t say anything, he just sits there with her. He doesn’t know if he should say anything. He doesn’t know what she’s thinking, and he doesn’t know if it’s the right time to bring anything up, so he waits. This is a trap. I shouldn’t have come out here with her.

“I know you’re bothered about Satoru. You didn’t expect him to find someone, did you ?” She asks and it feels like pure judgement. Suguru tries to swallow it down, hoping that she’s not judging him and she’s just reading him like a book, trying to get to the bottom of his behavior.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Suguru says quietly, not saying much else.

“You know…. Satoru and I talk , right? I know about a lot more than you think.” She says, taking another drag of her cigarette. She waits for him to respond as she exhales into the night sky. Suguru doesn’t know if this is a threat or if she’s trying to level with him.

“Tell me, what do you know?” Suguru asks so he can find out how much he should say. He doesn’t know if it’s wise to give her new information right now, so he waits for her to respond.

“Well for one, I know you like each other, or did, at least.” She says, her eyes gazing up at the night sky, not looking in his direction. Suguru swears his heart stops when she says the word ‘ did’. Past tense. He did, not anymore. “And I know that you told him I was the one who invited Saki out with us last time, when it was you who did.” She rolls her eyes at him in annoyance after she says it.

Suguru’s throat feels tight instantly. He feels like he might choke on his own words if he tries to speak. He tries to wait for the feeling to pass, but it never does. She keeps going, and it only makes his throat feel even tighter, as if Satoru’s own hands were wrapped around his neck and choking him out for how awful he’d been to him. 

“ I bet I even know who his boyfriend is. ” Shoko admits, with a soft smile, thinking about the boy who Satoru was seemingly so happy to have in his life. “At least, I’m pretty sure. ”

If Suguru wasn’t already feeling choked for air, that sentence alone would’ve done it. He feels lightheaded, probably from not breathing, or from breathing too shallow, and his head is spinning. Does she seriously know who he is? How does she know all of this? Has she already met him before or heard Satoru talk all about him?

“So, I guess you can say Satoru and I are pretty close. Probably closer than you and him are right now.” Shoko says, her voice defensive like she’s protecting Satoru. 

Suguru says nothing. What could he possibly say?

“Let me make this clear.” She takes another puff from her cigarette, and blows it out after a few seconds. “ I have no sympathy for you . You brought this upon yourself, so stop lying to yourself and everyone around you, and maybe you won’t have to reap the consequences.”

Suguru’s eyes are heavy, glossed over, ready to release tears from the weight of everything pressing down on him. He knows he made a mistake. He might be stupid, but he’s smart enough to know where he went wrong and to realize how dumb he was for expecting that Satoru would always be there. I’m so selfish for ever thinking that. I deserve this. I deserve all of this happening to me. He deserves better than what I could have ever given him, anyway.

He finds the courage to speak, tears still threatening to spill from his eyes. “You think I don’t know how badly I messed up? Because I do. I’m living with it every waking minute now, Shoko.” He almost snaps when he says it, a single hot tear streaming down his cheek from the eye that Shoko can’t see. 

“But what are you going to do about it? There’s no point in being aware of it if you aren’t going to try to change your situation.” She says, slight irritation in her voice. She doesn’t really have patience for him. She can feel Satoru’s frustration surging through her. 

“There’s nothing that I can do… nothing… It’s too late. ” He says quietly, his voice filled with defeat. He’s trying not to make it obvious that he’s started shedding more tears.

“You’re wrong.” She shakes her head. “There’s always something you can do. There’s always a way it can be fixed.”

“ Not this time.” Suguru says, admitting defeat, eating his own words that he’d once told Satoru. ‘ There’s always a way it can be fixed.’ I was such an idiot to tell him that when it was hopeless from the beginning. He had tried to repair the damage, but it was too late. Sometimes, it’s too late. A confession that’s too late, an apology that’s too late, and now they’re knee deep in a new relationship, and it’s all too late. 

“There is. But you’ll probably never do it.” She says, taking one of the last few puffs from her cigarette. “That’s for you to figure out, though.” 

Suguru feels even worse after this conversation. He doesn’t understand what Shoko expects him to do. Breaking up with Saki right now wouldn’t make a difference. Satoru would still be dating his boyfriend and now, Suguru would be alone. It doesn’t make sense. He can’t imagine what else she could be referring to, what else it could possibly be, if not that. He wants to kick himself for agreeing to come sit with her and have this conversation. Why do I do this to myself? He stands up from his chair, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, and starts turning to head back inside. Right before he steps back inside, Shoko leaves him with one last haunting sentence.

“I see why he moved on. When things get hard, you run away . You won’t stay and fight for him.” She presses her cigarette to her lips, taking on final inhale, before snuffing it out against the concrete. 

Suguru ignores her and heads straight for the bathroom, not bothering to make eye contact with his friends who are still sitting at the table, in the thick of their Monopoly game. As soon as the door shuts behind him, he locks it and runs his hands under cold water in the sink. What the hell does she know? She doesn’t know shit. Suguru feels angry, hot tears running down his cheeks now that he’s in the safety of the locked bathroom. He cups his hands and splashes some water on his face, trying to rinse away the remnants of salty tears that stained his face.

He lets the water keep running over his hands, holding them under the faucet, the cold water calming him down. His breathing is heavy and he feels like his heart might burst open with how vigorous its pounding. He practices slowing his breathing and stares at himself in the mirror, his eyes slightly puffy. He doesn’t want to look like he was crying by the time he exits, so he works hard to focus on his breathing. It’s a little hard to do that, though, when his thoughts are swirling and he hates himself for feeling overwhelmed with all of these feelings. Am I really that much of a coward? Am I really that pathetic? All I do is run away. 

Her words are circling in his head, playing on repeat, haunting him. You won’t stay and fight for him. I see why he moved on. I have no sympathy for you. I bet I even know who his boyfriend is. It’s too much for him. He didn’t expect to feel so awful, especially coming to Nanami’s house. This was supposed to be a good night, a better night than staying at home and listening to Satoru kiss someone else. He thinks he feels even worse than he did before, now that he’s been validated that he’s a coward. Thanks for the reminder, Shoko. I can only blame myself for this. I deserve everything that’s coming for me. 

Eventually, he knows he has to go back out there because he’s spent enough time groveling in the bathroom. He pulls out his phone before he exits, wanting to hear Saki’s voice just once. Her voice will ground him, bring him back to reality, remind him that maybe he didn’t make the wrong choice after all. Maybe if he sees her tomorrow, all it will take is a single kiss and he’ll be back to forgetting about Satoru. Maybe if he sees her tomorrow, she’ll reassure him with gentle hugs and touches and glances, and his head won’t be spinning anymore. Maybe if he sees her tomorrow, everything will feel normal and right in the world, and none of this will matter. He presses the green button to call her and waits. The phone rings and rings, but she doesn’t answer. I’m sure she’s busy… probably having a fun time. 

He decides to leave the bathroom and rejoin his friends at the table, their Monopoly game hanging by a thread as Nanami owns every railroad and almost every property. Haibara has been extremely lucky, avoiding Boardwalk and Parkplace which have houses on them. He is fortunate enough to get sent to jail a few times, delaying the inevitable loss from bankruptcy to Nanami’s growing monopoly. Utahime is amused, watching as the game continues on, much longer than anyone would have expected. Nanami is growing increasingly frustrated that Haibara is lucky enough to avoid all of the potential pitfalls, his properties swarming with houses and hotels. And Shoko, well, she wants the little guy to win, to fight back against the monopoly, to fight like hell or die trying.

As Suguru sits back down, Shoko eyes him and looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Maybe she figures she already said enough and tossing more salt into the wound wouldn’t be meaningful enough to do it. He pretends to be invested in the game that’s unfolding in front of him, but he can’t help but let his mind wander back to Satoru. 

He wonders if he still thinks of Suguru, or if he’s already long forgotten by this point. He wonders how Satoru really feels about him now, if the fire is still burning hot inside of his heart or if it’s already been extinguished. He wonders if this is going to last, and if so, for how long it’s going to last. Will they end up staying together for the long haul? Will he ever bring his boyfriend home to meet his family? Will he seriously consider marrying him if they reached that point? Satoru has always been more brave than him, forging his own path and not really caring much about what others think. Suguru envies that trait and wishes he weren’t such a coward himself. Maybe, if he had been brave, he would’ve made his move many months ago, not caring what his family would think and not seeking their approval. Maybe, Satoru would be here right now, holding his hand underneath the table, gently nudging him with his foot, making eyes at him and smiling at him and gushing over him. Maybe, they would both be happy, never needing another thing in their lives ever again, because the two of them together would be more than enough. Maybe.

Suguru is pulled back to reality when his friends' voices suddenly sound louder. They’re clamoring over the game that has just ended, Nanami ultimately taking all of Haibara’s cash and properties, taking over the whole board. There’s some laughter, and some anger, and some annoyance amongst their voices, but Suguru doesn’t really hear what it is they’re saying. His mind had been elsewhere for the last 30 minutes or so, maybe even before then. Maybe it had been elsewhere since this afternoon, when Satoru said the words ‘ my boyfriend’. Probably.

“Another game? Anyone?” Nanami asks, looking around the table at everyone’s faces. 

Haibara is the only one grinning while Shoko appears annoyed, her eyebrows pressed together and her mouth curved downward. Utahime looks indifferent, not really caring if they play again or not. 

“Suguru?” Nanami looks at him, his eyebrow raised like he’s trying to give him a convincing look so he’ll agree to play. 

Suguru, well, he looks like he’s ready for bed. His mind is exhausted from all of the thinking and overthinking, from all of the worrying and agonizing, from all of the unknowns and the what ifs. He wants to retreat, slide underneath the blankets of a comfortable bed, and drift off to sleep where he can dream about a better reality for himself. 

“I’m okay, Nanami. I think I’m going to head to bed.” Suguru admits, slowly adjusting himself in his chair in preparation to stand and head to the couch. 

“Alright then. Just let me know if you need anything. You know where I keep the spare blankets.” He says, his eyes shifting down the hall to where the blankets are stored in a linen closet.

“Hey, you can take my bed, Suguru.” Haibara chimes in, his eyes lit up as he makes his offers. “Really, I don't mind!”

“You sure?” Suguru asks, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Positive! I’m going to be up late, anyway. And I’m sure Nanami won’t mind if I share his bed.” Haibara says, flinching from a kick that he received from Nanami under the table after saying it. 

Suguru presses his lips together, forming a small smile and nods. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime! You look like you need rest.” Haibara says, noticing that he has extra bags under his eyes today. More than usual, anyway.

Suguru gets up on his feet and grabs the overnight bag he brought with him that’s still resting on the floor near the front entrance. He makes his way over to the linen closet, pulling out an extra large, gray fleece blanket. He carries it under his arm, gently pushing the door to Haibara’s room open. He’s met with a familiar sight. A tidy, full-size bed is tucked into the corner of the room, neatly made and ready to accept his body. He sets down his bag and climbs onto the bed, unfolding the fleece blanket and spreading it over his body. He curls up onto his side, trying to find a comfortable position, and closes his eyes.

He tries picturing nothing, absolutely nothing. Just darkness. He sees the color black as he’s staring at the inside of his eyelids that have no source of light reaching them and are staring back at him. He hopes he can keep this up, this thought of nothingness, and hopes that he doesn’t start dreaming. He doesn’t want to see Satoru in his dreams tonight. He hopes that he’ll wake up and not remember a thing. Unfortunately, Suguru is not successful, and the last thing on his mind before losing consciousness is holding someone in his arms, someone with white hair and glowing blue eyes.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

“Good morning, baby.” Satoru says softly, staring up at Naoya’s face that’s turned slightly away from him, breathing softly with eyes shut. He’s still fast asleep. My baby is so beautiful. He presses a gentle kiss to his cheek and keeps his mouth close so he can repeatedly kiss it. 

Naoya flinches slightly at the sensation, his face turns a little bit toward Satoru, like he feels the soft kisses that are being placed on his cheek. Satoru goes for his lips this time, pressing a few gentle kisses and says, “ Good morning, my baby. ”

This time, Naoya’s eyes flutter open and he smiles the moment he’s met with Satoru’s glowing, crystal blue eyes. He swears he can see his whole future in them, his whole life in them. He puckers his lips, wanting more kisses now that he’s awake, and Satoru gladly gives them to him without hesitation.

“Good morning.” He says groggily, his voice still laced with sleep.

“Did you sleep well?” Satoru asks, staring intently at his face like he’s trying to memorize every single detail of how he looks in the morning when he wakes up. He thinks he can stare at him forever. He thinks he can wake up like this every single morning and he would be complete, never needing anything or anyone else.

“I did, baby. Thank you.” He turns his head, staring at the ceiling and yawns, reaching his arms out in front of him and attempting to stretch while still in bed. “Did you?”

“Mmhmm. Really well.” Satoru says, a huge smile on his face.

“Someone’s in a good mood this morning.” Naoya says, still trying to wake up. If it were up to him, he’d probably go right back to sleep. “Are you sore, baby?”

Satoru shakes his head. “No, I’m good... I promise.”  He has a smile on his face still, thinking about their night together. He’d be lying if he said he isn’t feeling a bit turned on this morning. Waking up next to Naoya is special. He feels his heart racing, each beat thumping his chest with love, love, love. Is this what love feels like? Or am I just being a horny bastard?

Satoru isn’t really sure. He doesn’t know if he has ever truly loved before. He thinks he loves Suguru, or maybe loved him, he’s still not sure about that, because how could he love him if he hadn’t even kissed him, hadn’t even been intimate with him? If intimacy and love are the same, then Satoru loves Naoya and doesn’t love Suguru. Does that mean that he loves Naoya? He doesn’t know if this is something he’ll figure out right now, probably not, so he tries to dismiss his thoughts about it. With time, he’s sure he’ll know if he loves him or not. All he knows is that it’s probably too soon to tell him he loves him, and he probably shouldn’t say it just because , especially if he’s not sure if he means it or not.

“Okay good. I didn’t wanna hurt you last night.” 

“Thanks for being so gentle with me, baby. It means a lot.” Satoru says, feeling a bit shy this morning.

“You’re welcome.”

Satoru wonders if he’s doing all this right. They had never discussed details about sexual desires and boundaries before, so he didn’t know what to expect from Naoya. Am I supposed to insert myself into him, too? Or… how does this work? He always pictured himself as the one receiving, the one being penetrated, but didn’t know if that’s something Naoya wants, too. He’s not sure how to bring it up without being awkward, so he figures it’s better to address it now rather than later.

“Hey, baby?” Satoru starts.

“Hm?” Naoya barely lets out, his eyes already fluttering shut again like he’s trying to drift back to sleep.

“Um, this might seem like it’s coming out of nowhere….but… I thought a lot about last night.”

“Hm?” Naoya lets out again, still not opening his eyes just yet.

“Should I be touching you like that, too? Would you want that?” Satoru asks quietly, like he’s embarrassed to specify exactly what he’s talking about. Fortunately, Naoya doesn’t like to play guessing games and wants to hear him say it.

“What do you mean, babe? Use your words…” He says with eyes closed, a smile forming on his mouth as he knows exactly what he’s trying to say.

“Do you, um…” Satoru gulps. He doesn’t know when he’s so nervous, but he presses forward, “...want me to… finger you?” As soon as the words are out, Satoru’s cheeks go red in a way that Naoya had never seen before. He’s fortunate to have opened his eyes in time to catch it.

Naoya laughs a little at his question, trying not to embarrass his boyfriend even more. It’s obviously not his preference by how he’s reacting. “Baby, I’m more than happy with giving… plus, you’re a natural bottom.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you already take me so good, baby. I want to be the one fucking you . You belong underneath me… on the bottom. Is that okay?”

Satoru’s cheeks are completely flushed, imagining himself underneath Naoya while he drives his cock in between his legs. Stop, Satoru. Don’t go there right now. He already feels his growing erection stiffen and he doesn’t want Naoya to notice. He really wants a calm, gentle, fluffy morning…. even though he really wants Naoya to whisper that filthy shit into his ear again. 

“Mhmm.” Satoru nods, affirming that he’s okay with that. He’s more than okay with that, really. The thought of being fucked for the first time, especially by his boyfriend, makes his heart beat out of his chest. The heat between his legs is burning even hotter, and he’s trying not to make it obvious. Satoru doesn’t say anything else, but he doesn’t need to. Naoya already noticed how he’s struggling.

Naoya gives him a knowing look and presses a gentle kiss to his temple. He whispers in his ear, “Don’t be a brat this morning.”

“I’m not being a brat…”

“Mmhmm…. sure.” He whispers, unconvinced, and continues in his ear again, “Why are you already so hard then, baby? Hm?”

“I-I'm not….” Satoru says, moving his hand down to adjust his boxers and cover up his erection. He can’t though, because he’s too massive and his bulge is too large. Dammit.

“Are you thinking about me on top of you? All of this talk about you taking me so damn good?” Naoya continues, pressing soft kisses to the top of his ear as he keeps whispering into it.

Satoru shivers and springs up in bed, sitting up completely, trying to shake off the chills he feels up and down his body. He can’t do this. Not here, not right now. If he allows it, he’ll end up where he belongs, on the bottom, with Naoya burying his cock inside of him. He doesn’t want to rush things with him. Not yet. Slow down, Satoru. It’s going to happen. Just…not right now.

“Are you alright? What’s wrong babe?” Naoya asks, his facial expression shifting, wondering if he did something wrong.

“No, no, nothing’s wrong. I’m okay, I promise.” Satoru says, letting out a deep breath. He scratches his head and continues. “It’s just… I know I’ll have sex with you if we keep this up.”

“Would that be a bad thing?” Naoya asks, trying to find the source of his concern.

“No…no, it wouldn’t be. But you mean more to me than sex. I just want you to know that. And I don’t want to rush things, and for you to get the wrong idea about me….”

Naoya gently places a hand on Satoru’s back and starts lightly rubbing his fingers along it, drawing circles on his smooth skin. “Baby, we don’t have to do anything at all if you don’t want to. I mean that. Everything else is just extra, like an added bonus. I’m more than happy just spending time with you. Maybe I need a few kisses from time to time, but other than that, I just want to be with you.”

Satoru looks back at him and smiles, feeling reassured instantly. He always seems to know the right things to say. “You really mean that?”

“Mhm. I do.” He continues rubbing his back. “You mean the world to me, Satoru. I want to make you happy.”

“I already feel so happy with you.” Satoru admits, his cheeks glowing red again. 

“Good. You deserve it, baby.” Naoya says as his fingers smooth over his spine and rest on his lower back. “I could never get the wrong idea about you. I know you’re genuine, Satoru. I trust that you won’t hurt me.”

“You really… trust me that much?” Satoru asks, feeling a little unsure because he doesn’t even know if he trusts himself. He’s so new to all of this, new to having a boyfriend, new to navigating intimacy for the first time, new to conversations like these. He doesn’t want to make promises that he can’t keep. He will try like hell to always take good care of Naoya, he will fight like hell if that’s what it takes, but he can’t promise that he’ll never break his heart. That’s a difficult promise to make, but an even more difficult one to keep.

“I do, baby. Should I not?” Naoya asks, raising his eyebrow at him.

“No… you should. I’m just… surprised, is all. Especially because I live with Suguru.”

“I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t bother me. You know how I feel about him and I hardly know him. But I trust you, and trust that you’ll make smart decisions. And trust that you’ll tell me if there’s ever anything… anything at all that he says or does.” Naoya gives him a small smile at the end, a smile that says I trust you but please don’t hurt me.

Satoru nods. “Always, baby. I’ll always let you know if there’s anything, but I won’t let that happen.”

Naoya returns the nod and smiles, but there’s some insecurity hiding behind his eyes. Satoru can sense it, and it makes him feel horribly guilty. He knows that Naoya understands realistically that Satoru still has feelings for Suguru. Albeit, the feelings are much less than they were even a few days ago, but still there. He hopes that those feelings will completely dissipate, completely dissolve so Naoya won’t ever have to worry. Satoru trusts himself. He knows that even if Suguru dumped Saki today, he’d still remain loyal to Naoya. He just hopes Naoya will trust him if and when that time comes. Maybe it’s time I seriously consider moving out. There would be no better time to do it.

Satoru briefly turns his body and hovers over Naoya so he can kiss him. He gives him a quick peck and then climbs out of bed, standing on his feet. He pulls on Naoya’s arm, trying to pull him out of bed, and he’s successful. Naoya slowly shifts to the edge of the bed and stands, holding onto Satoru’s shoulders and leaning in to give him another kiss.

“Good morning, baby.” Naoya says again, and Satoru smiles, trying not to laugh.

“You already told me good morning… did you forget?” He asks, grinning at him.

“No I didn’t, but I’m fully awake now so, good morning .”

Satoru smiles and wraps his arms around him, just holding him for a moment. He doesn’t want to let go, but he knows it’s time for them to start their day so they can make the most out of it. Satoru isn’t sure if he wants to take him out somewhere or if he’d rather have a lazy day at home. He forgot all about Suguru up until a few minutes ago, if he’s being honest, and it didn’t occur to him that Suguru would be coming home at some point until then.

“Hey baby, do you want to meet Suguru to get it over with, or would you rather avoid him?” Satoru asks, waiting for an honest answer, arms still wrapped around him.

“If I absolutely have to meet him, then I will….but–”

“You don’t have to, really. It’s okay, I get it.” Satoru presses a gentle kiss to his cheek. “I’m just trying to plan our day. We can go out somewhere, or maybe go over to your house at some point. Just let me know what you want to do.”

“I don’t mind, baby. I’ll do whatever you want to do. Surprise me.” He says, leaving it up to Satoru to decide their day.

He lets go of him and takes a step back so he can look at his face. He smiles at him and thinks about it for a moment. “Hmm, I’m not sure yet but I’ll think of something. I think we should shower first , before anything. And probably eat something, too.”

Naoya nods his head and smiles at him in agreement. “Sounds like a plan. I already showered last night, but if you think I need to shower again….”

“Actually, um, I was thinking…. maybe we could shower… together?” Satoru asks shyly.

“ Oh.” Naoya responds, clearly caught off guard. “ Is that what you want, baby?” He asks suggestively. “Because I don’t know if I can handle being in a hot shower with my hot boyfriend… that might be a little too much for me.” He teases, waiting to see Satoru’s response.

“Please?” Satoru asks, quieter this time. “But if not, it’s okay…”

“I just don’t want to make you uncomfortable, baby. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my hands off of you.”

“That’s fine.” Satoru says quietly. “I don’t mind..”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you begging me to stop when I’m not able to. It’s hard to control myself around you.” Naoya admits, partially teasing him but partially speaking the truth. 

“I’m sure.” Satoru says as Naoya shoots him a look, remaining unconvinced. “Seriously, I mean it.”

“Baby… I can’t promise you I won’t bend you over and spank your cute little ass.” Naoya says, trying to be serious but breaks into a smile as he says the words ‘cute little ass’.

“But Nya…. that’s okay with me! I’d probably like that.” Naoya’s cheeks are burning up as he hears those words leave Satoru’s mouth. He’s immediately feeling flustered, trying not to show it. “I wouldn’t ask you to shower with me if I didn’t want something to happen…”

Naoya really can’t say no to that. It looks like he’s going to take a shower with his boyfriend. He follows Satoru into the only bathroom in his apartment, stopping in the hallway to pull out two towels from the linen closet. Satoru pushes the bathroom door shut, trapping both boys inside, and locks the door. His heart is racing, and he’s so excited that he’ll get to have his first shower with Naoya. None of this has played out the way he ever expected it to, but he’s more than happy with the result. All he knows is that right now, his heart beats for Naoya, his thoughts revolve around Naoya, and all he wants is more and more of Naoya. Sorry, but I’m not sorry, Suguru.

Chapter Text

Both men help undress each other while the water is running, waiting for it to heat up before stepping into it. Satoru takes the first step in and Naoya follows closely behind, letting the water run over their heads and drip down their bodies. The sounds of lips smacking and moaning fill the air, with Satoru pinning his boyfriend against the wall, sliding his hand lower until he makes contact with the other man’s dick. He begins slowly stroking him and Naoya lets out a gentle moan in his ear, proof that Satoru is doing an excellent job. He continues the motion, moving slightly faster and Naoya pants desperately into his ear, practically begging for more. Satoru presses a kiss to his neck, lightly biting along it and he feels his own cock begin to throb.

“So…damn hot, baby.” Naoya says breathlessly, struggling to get the words out as his full length is being manhandled by his boyfriend. 

Satoru keeps going, until Naoya is a desperate mess in his arms, leaning against him, cheeks red, breathy heavy, and eyes rolling back in his head. He knows it’s only a matter of time now, his boyfriend can no longer hold himself upright, meaning he’s getting close. Naoya lets out a low moan from the depths of his core as his cock twitches and spurts onto Satoru’s thigh that is gently in front of him. The water from the shower quickly washes it down the drain along with all of his strength as he clings onto Satoru.

“Fuck… so… so nice… baby…” He pants, trying to catch his breath. “Thank you…”

Satoru kisses him on his cheek and holds him in his arms, warm water running down both of their bodies, and whispers into his ear, “Anytime.”

Naoya regains his strength and slowly pulls away, his cheeks red with embarrassment. He feels like he came too quickly. He probably did. Satoru doesn’t care. He watches as Naoya slowly gets down on his knees, looking up at Satoru while the water runs down his body.

“You don’t have to if you’re too tired. Seriously…” Satoru says, feeling bad as his boyfriend appears completely spent. Naoya shakes his head.

“But I want to.” He says as his hand grips onto Satoru’s aching cock and begins stroking. He brings the head to his lips and gently wraps them around the head, continuing to work his hand up and down his length. Satoru lets out little gasps and moans as Naoya is in complete control of his throbbing dick, working him so well with just his mouth and hand. It’s amazing what he can accomplish with just those two parts of his body, and it doesn’t take Satoru long to feel a pending sensation in his body. He works hard to subdue this urge, closing his eyes so he isn’t tortured with how hot his boyfriend looks stuffed with his cock in his mouth.

After a few minutes of struggling, the warmth begins in his toes and shoots upward toward his core. He really tried his best to resist the urge but he can’t control it any longer. Satoru starts breathing faster, cheeks flushed, body shaking, and the next thing he knows,  he is spilling into his mouth.

Naoya stands up and doesn’t hesitate to press a kiss to Satoru’s mouth. He can still taste the remnants of his fluid but he doesn’t mind because all he wants is his boyfriend’s lips on his. He wraps his arms around him and holds him there, unable to control himself from smiling against his lips, pressing soft kisses with little breaks in between. He’s exhausted now and he figures it’s time to actually accomplish what they set out to do in the shower originally.

“We should probably finish showering now, huh?” Naoya asks softly, his voice low.

Satoru nods his head, and the two boys finish up in the shower. It doesn’t take them more than a few minutes to wash their hair and their bodies before they’re completely clean. Once they finish up and the water is shut off, they are wrapping themselves in towels and standing in front of the mirror. Satoru drapes his arms around him, hugging him from behind, towel wrapped around his waist. Naoya turns his head and presses a quick kiss to Satoru’s wheel. He smiles at him and meets his gaze in the mirror.

“We look really good together.” Satoru says, smiling at their reflection that’s staring back at them.

“Yes we do, baby.” He says, meeting his eyes in the mirror and smiling at him. 

“Mmhmm. Who would’ve thought?” Satoru says, amused at the way his life looks now.

“Not you.” Naoya laughs as he says it. 

“Not me.” Satoru says, softly laughing at how unexpected all of this has been. “And not Suguru.” He adds.

“Definitely not Suguru.” Naoya can’t help but softly laugh at that. 

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t change a thing… Maybe things were meant to happen this way.” Satoru rests his chin on his shoulder and presses a gentle kiss to his neck, his lips lingering in the same spot so he can continue to press more kisses easily.

“I hope so, baby.” Naoya says as he closes his eyes to the sensation of his neck being kissed gently. 

If there’s one thing Satoru knows, it’s how to be gentle. He wants to be soft and sweet on his boyfriend, wants him to feel loved, even if he’s not ready to tell him that just yet. Maybe with some time, it will feel right to say those three words that are stuck in his throat like they don’t belong there. Maybe.

“I mean, I think we were meant to run into each other again. It was only a matter of time… you dropped out of university, and I dropped into a bar. It sounds like something out of a movie.” Satoru says, amused at the way their story unfolded. He never would’ve imagined his life looking the way it does now, but he’s over the moon. His heart feels full. He’s never experienced this honeymoon phase kind of feeling before and now that he has, he never wants it to leave him.

“I think it was pure coincidence, or I just got lucky.” Naoya says as he shrugs.

“No luck involved here.” Satoru replies as he presses another soft kiss on his neck.

“Maybe you were in a vulnerable state… and I just caught you at a good time. I don’t think you’d be with me otherwise.”

“That’s not true. One of the first thoughts I had when I saw you was that you were so damn attractive, if I’m being honest.”

“Really?”

Satoru nods. “Mhm.”

“You’re not just saying that?”

“Nope. I mean it… and for a moment, I could’ve sworn that you looked at me like you saw the real me..”

“You give me too much credit.” Naoya says, the redness slowly creeping back to his cheeks. “My eyes were probably lingering a little too long.”

“So when I came to your work that night… you thought I was hot, didn’t you?” Satoru says, trying to tease him and make him blush even more. It works.

“Well, yeah, duh. That’s obvious, babe. I only called you hot all the time after that.” Naoya blushes a little harder, and Satoru notices. He smiles, feeling happy to hear his boyfriend say that he’s hot. 

There’s a pause for a moment and his face lights up like he just thought of something important. He lifts his head off of his shoulder and looks at him with a wide grin across his face.

“Hey, Nya?”

“Hm?” He barely lets out, wondering what has him grinning so much.

“Aren’t you glad I’m your real boyfriend and not your fake boyfriend?”

Naoya smiles as he remembers what he said he’d do for him, what lengths he’d go to in order to help Satoru out, pretend to be his boyfriend and make Suguru deathly jealous. Oh, silly Naoya probably didn’t ever think he’d actually have the chance to be with me.

“Of course I am. But I would’ve pretended to be… for you…. if it meant making you happy.”

Satoru smiles at his thoughtfulness, but knows he needs to reassure him. He doesn't want to make Suguru jealous. Not anymore. He doesn’t really care about that, nor does he want to hurt his feelings. It’s odd how differently he sees everything now that Naoya is there to fill a hole that was once gaping.

“Well, you don’t have to worry about that now. I’m happy with you, Nya. Seriously.” He presses another kiss to his neck and buries his face on his shoulder.

“You’re happy right now, but I just hope you’ll remember that when Suguru becomes available again….” Naoya lets out a soft sigh. There’s something sad, something quiet hiding behind his eyes. Satoru lifts his head up and tries to see it. Naoya doesn’t let him.

“I could never not remember. I’ve had many firsts with you already… I could never forget.” He says as he places a gentle hand on his cheek. Naoya gives him a small smile. Satoru worries there’s hesitation behind his smile, just like the sadness behind his eyes, so he adds, “I don’t want you to worry about him. I only want you, okay? That’s all I care about, and I’ll still only want you even if that were to happen.”

Naoya looks like he wants to believe it, but Satoru can tell that he doesn’t. It sucks, but he also understands. It hasn't been long since he was crying over Suguru and he knows that. Everything happened so fast, but I’m happy now so that’s okay. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. 

Naoya shakes his head softly, and replies, “I think you’re… just excited about me, but once I’m not so exciting to you anymore—”

Satoru shakes his head and cuts him off before he can finish. “Don’t say that, Nya. I’ll always be excited about you. Always.” He removes his hand from his cheek and reaches for both of his hands, taking them in his, not removing his eyes from the other man’s.

Naoya lightly scoffs, trying not to seem insecure. But he can’t help it. He’s not doing a good job at hiding it.  “Everyone always says that…. And then they leave. Or cheat on me.”

“Not me.” Satoru leans in to kiss him, grabbing his face and pulling him closer, the front of their waists touching. Naoya pulls back slightly but Satoru pulls him back in, not wanting to break the kiss. His lips brush against his softly each time he goes back in for more, not wanting to stop. Satoru really wants to show him how he feels about him, how real this is, how happy he is, how much he wants this to last, how much he wants this to work out. So he doesn’t stop. Naoya returns his kisses, letting himself relax into the feeling as his boyfriend continues placing gentle kisses against his lips.

When Naoya can finally escape for some air, he looks at Satoru and says, “We’ll see if you’re just as excited about me in one year as you are now.”

“Deal.” Satoru says, continuing to kiss into his mouth, tasting his lips against his own. He briefly pauses before kissing him more to add, “and I’ll still be the year after that, too.” 

Satoru believes himself in that moment, believing everything to be true, believing that he’ll always feel this excited about Naoya because how could he ever lose this feeling? Lose this excitement? Lose this sensation of infatuation, of lust, or of love? He can’t picture it. Not now, not in one year, not ever. Not even if Suguru is suddenly single. Not even then, as tempting as that may be in some distant place buried deep inside of his heart.

Everything about Naoya is exciting to him. He loves having deep conversations with him, loves that he’s getting to have many firsts with him, loves being around him, loves annoying him, loves making him angry because he looks so cute when he’s mad, loves touching his body in any way, shape, or form, loves kissing him. Especially kissing him. Fuck, I love kissing him. He doesn’t think his lips could kiss anyone else’s, not even Suguru’s. Maybe Suguru’s, but not now. Not anytime soon. Maybe not even ever. Why am I still thinking about Suguru? Maybe it’s time Suguru and I have a real conversation…

Satoru had thought about it. He thought about it ever since he came back home and first mentioned that he has a boyfriend. There was an unsettling discomfort in the air of their apartment ever since Suguru read the letter, maybe even before then. Probably before then. I haven’t been acting like a friend to him at all because of how hurt I was… it’s really not fair to him. Or to me. I can’t keep living like this. Satoru had forgotten that he was Suguru’s friend first, before anything else, his best friend. No matter how hurt he had felt, no matter how rejected or dejected he felt, he had still failed to be a friend. He failed to be there to support Suguru when it mattered most, when he chose to bring someone home, when he chose to add an extra person into his life.

And now, I have a boyfriend. If I want him to accept Naoya… then I need to accept Saki, first. Or at least try to… I haven’t even tried.

When they break away, Satoru reaches for Naoya’s hand, stringing his fingers with his own. He leads him back to his room so they can both get dressed. Naoya heads straight for his backpack, opening it up and pulling out the fresh clothes he brought for today. Satoru goes into his closet and picks out something he’ll be comfortable in.

After a while, they’re both completely ready for the day. Hair styled, teeth brushed, cologne sprayed, and shoes on. They’re ready to leave the house, but first, they need to decide where they’re going to go and what they’re going to do. They’re sitting at the kitchen table together and the late morning sun is shining directly inside through the sliding glass balcony door, highlighting the living room. Satoru unlocks his phone and sees a message he missed from Shoko last night.  Hopefully it wasn’t anything important. 

He taps on the screen to open it, and his eyes move back and forth as he scans the message. Naoya looks at him, curious as to why he’s making a face like he’s contemplating something. He notices the way he starts biting his lip, not removing his eyes from the screen. 

“Something wrong, baby?” Naoya rests his hand on Satoru’s forearm as he continues to stare at the phone screen. He shakes his head softly and opens his mouth to speak.

“No, it’s nothing…” He says as he looks back up at Naoya and gives him a small, unconvincing smile. “It's just…. Shoko invited us out on Tuesday. Um, next Tuesday, not tomorrow. It sounds like someone must’ve spilled the beans about you.” He lets out a sigh after he says it.

“What do you mean?”

“My friends want to meet you from the sound of it. Suguru must’ve said something…. He’s the only one who knows about you. Well, not you, but that I have a boyfriend now.”

“Oh.” Naoya says, unsure of how to respond to that. He waits for Satoru to continue. 

“I haven’t told anyone else yet. I mean, Shoko knows that I’m friends with you, but that’s about it.”

“So… is this you friendzoning me?” Naoya asks, withdrawing his hand from where it rested on his forearm. Satoru quickly grabs his hand and holds onto it.

“No… never. Of course not.” He squeezes his hand gently and smiles at him. “They want to go to the restaurant they went to last time, the one that does karaoke night. And if you’re okay with that, I’d love for you to meet them.”

“I don’t mind… I’ll meet them, baby.”

“You really will?”

“Yeah, of course I will! It’ll be good for you to finally see them, too, and it could be fun. I know you haven’t seen them as much lately.” Naoya places his hand on Satoru’s cheek and gently holds his chin. He leans forward and plants a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Satoru smiles and looks at him, his eyes a little more serious now to match the tone of his next words.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with that? I don’t want you to feel pressured or anything… especially because I’m pretty sure Suguru is going to be there.”

“Baby, if I’m going to be in your life now, they should get to know me… that way they don’t think I’m some asshole or whatever he ends up saying about me.”

“Hey…” Satoru cups Naoya’s face with both hands, staring into his eyes. “Don’t worry about him, okay? You’re not an asshole. He’ll see that once he gets to know you.”

“But they won’t know that. So let me prove him wrong before he gets the opportunity to say anything to them.”

“I don’t think he’s that kind of pers—“

The sound of keys jingling outside the front door stops Satoru in his tracks. He slowly leans back, away from Naoya, and watches as his hands rest back down on the table. 

Of course, speaking of Suguru…. 

As if on cue, the front door knob slowly turns and both men turn their heads toward the door, anxiously waiting for whoever is going to walk through it. Both of them already know without needing to say it. It’s a mutual understanding at this point. Who else has keys to their apartment, who else could it possibly be? No words are said because nothing needs to be said. Satoru hears his own heartbeat thumping in his chest. Naoya can probably hear it, too. Satoru could probably hear Naoya’s heartbeat thumping if his own wasn’t so loud inside of his head. The door slowly pushes open and in walks Suguru, meeting the eyes of a staring Naoya and a staring Satoru.

“Hey.” Suguru greets with a small wave. He probably didn’t expect to see Naoya over.

“Do you remember Naoya?” Satoru asks, biting his bottom lip, motioning with his hands to his boyfriend.

“Yeah, I do. How’s it going?” He asks as he carefully kicks off his shoes like he’s trying not to disrupt anything.

“Good. Um, Geto, right?” Naoya asks, the confidence in his voice faltering.

“Yes, but Suguru is fine.” He says as he looks back in his direction and then at Satoru. “I almost forgot that you’ve been hanging out with him recently.” 

“Yeah, um, you could say that.” Satoru says almost quietly, and Suguru gives him a look like he can’t figure out what’s going on here. Or maybe he can, but he’s in denial of the truth that’s so blatantly in front of him.

“How’s university going? I haven’t seen you around in a while.” Suguru asks nonchalantly, ignoring the fact that Satoru is not making much eye contact with him at the moment and his face is red like he’s embarrassed.

“Oh… um.. I dropped out of uni, actually. So I’ve just been keeping myself busy. I work a lot now… and I’m really focused on my art. I do painting commissions on the side, too.”

“Is that so? That’s too bad. Your art really was quite remarkable. You were probably one of the better art majors in that class.”

Satoru smiles at the comment he makes, looking over at his boyfriend as he lets out a soft laugh, his cheeks starting to glow. “Now you’re just flattering me. But thank you, I appreciate that. I hope to have my art displayed someplace where many people will see it one day.”

Suguru nods and gives him a weak smile, his eyes closed and crinkled at the corners. “So, have you already met Satoru’s boyfriend?”

Naoya’s face goes completely flush, eyes wide, not knowing what to say next. He clearly doesn’t want to respond and the hesitation is louder than any words he could have said. It stuns him in his tracks. It stuns Suguru in his tracks, too, at the sudden realization.

Suguru’s POV

Suguru immediately realizes by Naoya’s hesitation and reaction that it has to be him, that has to be Satoru’s boyfriend. His eyes grow wide, matching Naoya’s, as he looks over at Satoru who is already staring back at him. He’s not good at pretending, despite trying his hardest not to show how surprised he is at the realization. Oh, fuck. It really is him.

Suguru did not expect to see Naoya sitting at the kitchen table when he first walked through the front door. He honestly did not know what he expected. Maybe he figured Satoru would be home alone, his boyfriend disappearing into the night the same way that he mysteriously arrived, or maybe his house would be quiet and empty. He did not expect to see Naoya, especially since he knew Satoru’s boyfriend had stayed the night, and he didn’t immediately suspect that it could be him, because no, it couldn’t possibly be him. 

They’re just friends, right?

“Suguru.” Satoru says, cutting through his thoughts that he was clearly lost inside of. “Naoya is my boyfriend.”

The moment Satoru says it is the same moment Suguru realizes he was wrong. Most definitely wrong. He feels his airway tighten, his lungs freeze, his heart stop, and his stomach turn. He thinks he’s going to be sick. If Satoru doesn’t meet his eyes and quell the horror that’s reverberating off of them, he’s going to be sick. Tell me I heard wrong, Satoru. Tell me that it isn’t so, that it’s not him. Suguru doesn’t move. He continues to stare at Satoru, stare at his lips like they have the key that unlocks the answer to this madness.

“Oh, is that so?” Suguru asks, trying his best not to give away how he’s currently crumbling on the inside, every last bit of blood in his body shunted to his heart to keep it pumping, to keep it functioning, to keep himself living. “That’s great!”

Satoru nods and turns his head to look at Naoya, the other man smiling back at him. Suguru watches and it’s a haunting scene, the way their eyes sparkle at each other, the smile that Satoru has on his lips, the purple marks that line his neck staring at Suguru like they could speak and tell him that he is Naoya’s property now. And worst of all, he looks like he’s happy. He looks almost like….like he’s in love. Selfishly, Suguru hopes he isn’t.

Satoru returns to Suguru’s gaze and smiles at him, and it is the smile of death, the smile that kills him, the smile that tells a whole story that Suguru didn’t really ask for. Or maybe he did. He doesn’t even need to say anything, doesn’t need to open his mouth, doesn’t need anything else to happen. He knows everything that he possibly needs to know, already having seen the purple marks that line his neck, and he doesn’t want to know anymore about it. Naoya leans his head on Satoru’s shoulder and waits for his boyfriend to speak. Satoru presses a quick kiss to the top of his head, but doesn’t wait much longer before he opens his mouth to say something again.

“Yeah, um..  you’ll be seeing a lot more of him, so I hope you two can become friends.”

Suguru gives him a tight-lipped smile, his face tense after witnessing the kiss, his eyes now closed and crinkled at the corners again, refusing to look at what’s unfolding in front of him any longer. “Ah, yes. I’ll make sure to welcome him the same way you welcomed Saki.” He nods his head and gives a small bow.

And with that, Suguru doesn’t waste any time retreating to his room. He doesn’t need this right now, doesn’t need to entertain Naoya Zenin, doesn’t need to stare at purple marks on Satoru’s neck and imagine the fact that his mouth was latched onto that pale, tender area at some point. None of this is good for him, and it makes him disgustingly sick. 

Of all the people it could have been, Suguru never would have imagined it would be Zenin. He never would have even suspected that Zenin would be attracted to men, let alone date a man. He always seemed to make obnoxious comments during class, making women laugh and gravitate toward him, and he knew exactly what he was doing. There’s no doubt that he had a great sense of humor, and he knew it, too, like a cocky bastard. It got under Suguru’s skin because of how arrogant he seemed, how he knew he could draw in a crowd of people and become the center of attention in an instant. Suguru would always roll his eyes and sigh, and Satoru used to tell him not to let him get under his skin. 

Suguru especially hated it when Naoya would make a comment after Suguru said something. It infuriated him, and he wanted to strangle him at times because of how annoying and irritating he was, always having something to say. Now, many months later, here he is in his house, in his space, with his head resting on Satoru, probably with his lips all over him the second Suguru turned his back and headed toward his room. And he doesn't understand what Satoru could possibly see in him, other than wanting to purposely get under his skin?

When he makes it to the sanctuary of his room, he lies down on his bed and rubs his eyes, letting out a heavy sigh. This can’t be real. There’s no way this is real. How can this be real? He contemplates whether he should send Satoru a message or not. He impulsively decides to. He just needs to know why. Why him?

[11:58 AM] me: I just need to know… why Zenin?

Suguru lays there staring at the ceiling waiting for a response. Maybe he shouldn’t be so harsh. Maybe he shouldn’t be so judgmental. Maybe he shouldn’t question Satoru’s choices because what did it matter? Saki should be his primary focus, his only focus really. His relationship with her spells out his own future, and he shouldn’t be so concerned with what Satoru chooses to do with his life. Then again, Satoru didn’t exactly welcome Saki into his life and he made that blatantly obvious. He thinks about how happy Satoru looked sitting next to him, how happy he seemed talking about him, how his eyes shined and his smile softened like his heart was full. Full of someone else. He looks happy. Maybe it is real.

[12:00 PM] Satoru: I really like him, and he takes good care of me. 

Suguru doesn’t respond. He shouldn’t say anything else. He should just leave it alone because his world might actually be crumbling. He isn’t sure if it is, but he thinks it is. Surely, this must be what the world crumbling feels like. He’s already exhausted, having slept terribly the night before, his friends treating him like dirt. Well, maybe not all of them, but Shoko was exceptionally rude and that hurt. He thought maybe she’d have been more supportive of him. Once again, he’d been wrong. What am I doing wrong?

He often thinks about how his life would look if he had just dumped Saki when Satoru confessed. It’s a thought he constantly comes back to and he really shouldn’t keep coming back to it. But now, he has additional questions and worries because Zenin is a whole new factor he had never even thought to consider. Would he have fallen for Naoya anyway? Would I have been enough for him? Enough to make him stay? And of course, he thinks about the letter that Satoru left him. Is Naoya the real reason why he chose to call everything off, not even allowing Suguru the proper time to break up with Saki despite the fact he probably wouldn’t have been able to go through with it anyway?

He worries about the future of his own relationship, picturing Saki in his mind, her long black hair and the way it shines in the sun, her perfect pink lips that he’s kissed so many times now that he almost has them memorized. Is my relationship going to survive with me feeling this way? He really thinks he may have made the wrong choice and he isn’t sure if he can ever redeem himself on this one. Maybe he doesn’t have to. Or maybe he does. He doesn’t know. All he knows is that Zenin has claimed him and is his now. It hurts. Really, really hurts, but Suguru knows he will have to get used to the idea eventually, especially if he’s going to be seeing him around more. Maybe I won’t push, and I’ll give him the space he needs with his ‘boyfriend.’ The word makes him sick. Boyfriend. That could've been me, should've been me, will never be me because I’m too afraid to disappoint my family. Suguru hates that about himself.

Suguru lays there for a while in deep thought and loses track of time. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but he eventually closes his eyes and falls asleep. Maybe when he wakes up, he’ll be refreshed and he can plan to see Saki later. She was hungover this morning and despite Suguru offering to bring her something, she declined, wanting some additional rest for herself. It bothered him that he wasn’t able to do something nice for her, to take care of her, but he understood. Saki seemed to require more space than he did at times. She wasn’t as clingy as he would’ve liked her to be, maybe because he was so used to Satoru’s clinginess, but he understood. Or at least tried to. He’d be lying if he said it didn’t bother him. Today would’ve been a great day to see her and spend some extra time with her.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru’s POV

Satoru and Naoya headed to an art supply store after going out for lunch together. Naoya was adamant about wanting to buy more acrylic paint for this great idea he had. He was being cryptic, not wanting to share the idea with his boyfriend, but gave him a small hint. The hint was the word cute, and Satoru had no idea what that meant or what it was supposed to mean. He assumed it was probably a surprise for him, or maybe he was finally going to finish one of his works in progress that was sitting abandoned in his living room. Maybe he would add a personalized touch to it, giving it to Satoru if he were lucky enough to be the recipient of one of his works of art. 

He happily followed him inside of the store, getting to choose the shades of specific colors that Naoya said he needed for whatever it was that he was making. Afterward, they wandered the streets of Shibuya side-by-side, fingers laced together, and lazily drifted in and out of various stores. Satoru picked out a little tan kitty charm in one of the shops for his own phone and clipped it on there, telling Naoya that it reminded him of his boyfriend with his golden brown hair. It made him blush, and Satoru didn’t hesitate to pull him in for a kiss, not even worrying about whoever else was in the store around them, whoever else was watching. He always wanted to carry a little piece of him around even when they were apart from each other. 

As the day grew darker and the sun faded below the horizon, Satoru hopped on the train with his boyfriend, thighs pressed against each other, hands still glued together like they couldn't be separated, and Satoru leaning his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder. He lets out a gentle sigh, reflecting on the wonderful day he spent with his love. My love. It sounded so foreign to think about. He started thinking about the word love a lot more lately now that Naoya was around, trying to figure out what it means to love. Is this love? 

“Did you have fun today, baby?” Naoya asks while rubbing his hand with his thumb, unintentionally interrupting Satoru’s swirling thoughts about love.

“I did… I had the best day. I always do when I’m with you.” Satoru says, smiling with his eyes closed like his heart and soul are satisfied. Naoya tilts his head and looks over at him, noticing that his eyes are still shut.

“Are you sleepy? You can stay over with me tonight… I don’t mind, baby.” Naoya suggests, hoping he’ll take him up on his offer. Satoru gently opens his eyes and lifts his head, looking over at him to meet his eyes.

“I would love to… but I didn’t bring anything with me. I’d have to go back home first anyway. Plus, I really haven’t talked to Suguru much lately. I should probably check in with him.” 

Satoru didn’t really mean to bring up Suguru, but he was being honest. He had been thinking about everything a lot more than usual since their momentous meeting this morning. They hadn’t talked all that much lately, and he wanted to try and make amends, to finally be at peace with the way their lives took both of them down completely different paths. I still gotta keep our friendship alive somehow.

Naoya ignores the part about Suguru. “You know that I have spare clothes for you…. You can always stay over anytime you want, even on nights when I work. I promise I don’t mind sharing my bed with you.” 

It’s really endearing how hard he was trying to get Satoru to stay with him, but he knows that he needs to take care of some things, first. Plus, he knew Naoya was off tomorrow anyway so he could just come over in the morning. 

“You’re sweet, baby.” He presses a quick kiss to his lips before any wandering eyes will take notice of their display of affection on public transportation and then leans his head on his shoulder again. “Thanks for offering. I think I’ll go back home tonight, but I’ll take you up on that tomorrow, yeah?” He tilts his head and flashes a smile at him hoping that he’ll accept his answer, but Naoya’s eyes answer back with worry as they quiver.

He swallows, eyes still quivering, and asks in a whisper, “Is everything okay? Did I do something?”

“No, everything is fine. It's just… I want to make sure Suguru is okay.” Satoru breathes out a sigh of relief as he says it, like it was weighing heavily on his chest. He adds, “I’ve been brushing him off a lot and it’s not easy tiptoeing around each other all of the time. Especially because I still live with him, you know.”

Naoya is quiet for a while, probably for a little too long, and then quietly says,” Baby, I know you still care about him and all…. But you told me not to worry about him, and now, I’m worrying about him.”

“I don’t want you to worry…. I’m sorry that I’m making you worry. I just know I haven’t been there for him like I should have been, and I don’t want him to get depressed.” Satoru admits, feeling bad for talking about this with Naoya. It’s clearly a sensitive subject and probably making him uncomfortable, but he’s trying to be as honest as he can and not keep anything from him.

“Isn’t that his girlfriend’s job, though? To be there for him?” Naoya hesitantly asks.

“Well… as his friend, it’s my job, too. I’ve seen how depressed he gets… and it can get pretty scary. And maybe she’s not doing her job.” Satoru continues. “He did say that she was out with her friends all night and I can tell it bothered him. I doubt she’s checked in with him to see how he’s feeling. Plus, I wanted to talk to him about you.” He says as he gently squeezes his hand. Naoya squeezes it back hesitantly. 

“What about me?” Naoya asks, appearing slightly nervous as Satoru looks up into his eyes.

“I want to let him know how important it is to me that he gets along with you….” He leans forward to meet Naoya’s lips, kissing him slowly this time, not worrying about anyone else’s eyes on them. When he pulls away, he adds, “And…. I have to right my wrongs. You heard what he said about Saki. And I hate to admit it, but he’s right. I’m not proud of my behavior….” 

“I can understand that. I kinda cringed inside when he said that... you must’ve made it really obvious how much you didn’t like her. Why the sudden change of heart?” Naoya asks, searching his boyfriend’s eyes like it might hold the reason.

“You know, now that I’m with you baby…. I don’t feel anger, or hatred, or jealousy anymore.” He tightens his hold on his hand and whispers to him, “I think your lips are all that I needed in my life.”

He smiles and whispers back, leaning down so his lips are near Satoru’s again, only centimeters away. “That’s it, baby? Just my lips?”

“No, silly, not just your lips. I just didn’t realize what I was missing out on, but whatever it was, I’ve found it with you.” He smiles, staring at his lips again, wanting to kiss them some more but also wanting to wait until they are in private.

“And you’re sure this isn’t just a phase?” Naoya asks as he looks back and forth between his lips and eyes, smiling at him. He clearly wants to kiss more, too.

“I’m sure.” He leans in and presses the quickest little kiss to his lips before returning back to resting on his shoulder. It makes Naoya blush a deep shade of red, the kiss ending before it could ever really begin, and he leans his head back against Satoru’s.

“I’m gonna hold you to it.” Naoya says softly.

“Hold me to it forever, then, and never let me go.”

“Never…. you’re perfect for me, Satoru.” Naoya closes his eyes and smiles, letting himself rest completely against his boyfriend.

It doesn’t take long before the train reaches Naoya’s stop. Satoru walks with him all the way back home, holding his hand the entire time, as they approach his apartment door. As Satoru tries to say his goodbyes, Naoya is wanting to pull him inside for a few minutes longer so they can make out.

“Please, baby?” Naoya begs, holding both of his hands and trying to pull him into his apartment. “I need you.”

Satoru can’t say no, not to his cute little sad face that looks desperate to have him for even a minute longer. He gives in, stepping inside as Naoya pulls on his hands, guiding him to his room. Naoya is already tackling him with kisses on the bed, climbing on top of him, relieved now that they are completely alone again. Satoru knows he should really get up and prepare to leave, should make his way back home, should really have a discussion with Suguru. But he can’t seem to get up from the bed. Not with Naoya straddled on top of him, not with those damn kisses and not with the way he works his tongue into his mouth, not with the way that he makes the heat creep up Satoru’s core and not with the way he makes his dick push against his pants like it’s going to bust out of them. Satoru lightly moans as Naoya holds his hands down above his head, slowly moving his hips against him, his lips pressed against his. Maybe he should make sure Suguru is still home before he decides to leave, because if he’s not even home, then none of this matters, and he should just stay the night with Naoya for a 3rd night in a row.

Naoya swiftly sits up and climbs off of him, needing to use the bathroom before continuing any further while Satoru pulls out his phone to send a quick message to Suguru. He’s not trying to make Naoya jealous, or to make him worry, but he feels a pending urge to address this already. The sooner he does it, the sooner it will be over with and the less he will worry about all of this. He just needs to make sure he’s okay, that’s it, and then everything will be fine between them. Especially because he knows all of them will be going out with their friends next Tuesday. We need to move on from this together. He sits up on the bed and types out a message, then hits send.

[8:33 PM] me: Are you home tonight, Sugu? I want to talk to you. 

He doesn’t get a response, and Naoya has returned already, immediately wrapping his arms around Satoru again and tackling him back down on the bed with kisses. Satoru returns each and every single one, holding his boyfriend in his arms and kissing him slowly. He feels his phone vibrate a few times, assuming it’s Suguru. He doesn’t really want to check it, doesn’t want to seem too eager or desperate to get back home, but he feels the need to connect with Suguru. I just need to make sure he’s okay…. He doesn’t seem well. I just need him to be okay with all this, and then everything else will be fine.

When Satoru’s lips are finally free again, he decides he needs to use the bathroom, too. He gets up and makes it inside the sanctity of the four walls of the bathroom, locks the door, finishes his business, and pulls out his phone to check if he replied. He reads several messages from Suguru.

[8:38 PM] Suguru: Yes, i’ll be home.

[8:38 PM] Suguru: You should just stay over there.

[8:39 PM] Suguru: You look happy, Satoru. 

He wastes no time sending back a response. His fingers move fast as he works to get the message sent out before leaving the bathroom.

[8:45 PM] me: Yes I am, but I still wanna talk to you.

Satoru exits the bathroom and Naoya is waiting for him on the bed, scrolling on his phone and pausing for a moment to meet his boyfriend’s eyes. Satoru walks over to him, sits on the bed next to him, and leans down to press another kiss to his lips. When he breaks away, Naoya tries to pull him back in. Satoru allows it to happen, kissing him once more, and then says, “I’m gonna get going, okay?”

“You sure you wanna go home, baby?” Naoya asks but it’s more of a beg than a question, his eyes saying something entirely different. He probably wants me to tell him that I’ve decided to stay.

“I’m sure, but I’ll make it up to you, okay?”

Naoya looks upset, his eyebrows slightly furrowed and his face soft. Satoru can tell he’s trying not to show how upset he is and it makes him feel guilty for not staying over. He opens his mouth to speak. Satoru listens.

“Thanks for spending extra time with me tonight. I really enjoy being with you, um… I’ll miss you tonight. A lot. More than I want to admit.”

“I’ll miss you too, but I’ll see you tomorrow, and I promise we can sleep together tomorrow night. You want me to come over?” He asks as he places a gentle hand on the side of Naoya’s cheek.

“Yeah baby, I’d love that.” Naoya responds, placing his hand on top of Satoru’s that’s still on his cheek.

“I’d love that too.” Satoru says, leaning forward to close the gap between their lips and press another slow kiss to them. 

Naoya pulls away and still looks a little sad, looks a little unconvinced. If Satoru would really love to sleep with him, wouldn’t he just stay the night with him tonight? Satoru can tell he really wants him to stay over, but he needs to take care of things at home with Suguru. He reassures him again, just so he knows that he has nothing to worry about. 

“I’m all yours, okay?” Satoru tells him, staring into his eyes. Naoya stares back into his sapphire eyes, his own eyes still begging for him to change his mind and climb into bed with him. 

“Promise?” He asks softly.

“I promise.” He says as he holds out his pinky. Naoya takes it in his, securing the promise. 

“I’m gonna hold you to it, then.” He says as he stands up to hug him, wrapping his arm around his neck and burying his face into his shoulder. “I don’t want you to go, baby…”

“I know… and I'm sorry… I just want to take care of things. I don’t want to worry about him anymore, either… But it’ll all be over after this, and then we won’t ever have to worry about him again.”

He feels Naoya hum and nod his head against him, still not letting go of him. He’s acting extra clingy and Satoru knows he is feeling a little jealous, or worried, or sad, or all of the above.

“You said you trust me, right?” Satoru asks gently, holding his face in between his hands.

“I do. I’m just afraid to lose you.” Naoya admits, his face still looking worried.

Satoru leans in and holds his face as he kisses him slowly. He pulls away carefully and looks into his eyes, and says, “You won’t lose me. I’ll call you tonight once I take care of everything, okay?”

“Okay, baby. Just… please don’t hesitate to come back over here if things don’t go well. Or I can go over there and be with you.”

“Thank you but I think I can handle it, my love. Just leave it to me.” He smiles at him, noticing the way his boyfriend’s cheeks glow and his demeanor changes at hearing those words. It leaves Naoya speechless. He just looks at him and can’t really respond at the moment because his heart is too busy beating wildly inside of his chest. Satoru takes his hand and heads over to the door with him.

“You good, baby?” He asks, smiling at how cute Naoya looks when he’s all flustered. Naoya nods his head and can’t seem to stop smiling.

“I’m your love?” Naoya asks shyly.

“Mmhmm. You are. Don’t forget that tonight, okay?” He says, pressing a kiss to his cheek.

Naoya doesn’t say anything. He throws his arms around his neck again and pulls him in for another kiss, not wanting him to leave, not wanting him to go back home, not ever wanting this feeling or this kiss to end. He whispers, “You’re my love, too.”

Satoru smiles and presses another kiss to his lips before pulling away. It just feels right, it feels so natural, feels so easy to call him his love. So he doesn’t hesitate any longer. Naoya is my love.

“I’ll come see you early tomorrow. Want me to bring you some breakfast?” Satoru asks.

“You don’t have to do that…”

“I want to, though… how about I surprise you?” Satoru suggests, grinning like he’s already thought of something.

Naoya’s eyes light up. “Yeah, surprise me. I’d love that.” He smiles and gives him one final kiss, cherishing it as much as he can before his boyfriend disappears behind the closed door.

˖⁺‧₊˚ ♡ ˚₊‧⁺˖

Satoru wastes no time heading home. He exits Naoya’s building and heads for the train station, boarding and then exiting after a few stops. He’s on autopilot, his feet moving and carrying him back to where Suguru is. He’s almost to his house, almost to his apartment building, and finally, he’s almost in front of his door. He pulls out his keys and unlocks the door, pushing it open like he was running out of time to do this. 

All the lights are off inside, and he doesn’t hear a sound. Satoru isn’t even sure if Suguru is home. It doesn’t seem like he is, but he might be asleep already if he called it an early night. Or maybe he decided to go see Saki. There’s only one way to find out. Satoru gulps as he takes a few steps inside, shutting the door behind him. 

“Suguru?” He calls out into the dark.

There is no response. He walks to the end of the hall and knocks softly on his door, guessing that he might be inside.

“Suguru? Are you in there?” He calls out against the door, listening for any sounds coming from the other side.

He hears silence for a long while, and then hears someone shifting in bed. He must’ve fallen asleep. The faint sound of footsteps approaches from the other side of the door. Suguru opens it and appears worn out. He’s wearing a large black hoodie, the hood over his head, hiding his long black locks of hair inside. His hands are resting inside of the front pocket of the sweatshirt and he just stares at the ground, his eyes having extra bags under them, his face looking weary. He doesn’t look well and Satoru is definitely glad that he came back home. Something was telling him to, almost like a sixth sense, and any guilt that he felt about leaving Naoya’s house quickly fades away.

“Hey… are you…. alright?” Satoru asks gently, as if asking at a normal volume would shatter him like glass.

Suguru refuses to meet his eyes and shakes his head, head tilted down at the ground. He mumbles, and when Satoru can’t understand him, he asks him to repeat himself a little louder.

“Not really.” Suguru answers, barely louder this time, barely more than a mumble.

Satoru stands there in front of him in silence for a moment before asking, “Can I talk to you, please?”

Suguru still doesn’t meet his eyes. He mumbles, “I guess so. I don’t know what you want to talk about.”

Satoru ignores his comment and looks around like he’s debating something. “Um, can we talk out here… maybe?” He says, motioning down the hall toward the living room.

Suguru looks back at his bed and then back in Satoru’s direction, like he’s contemplating if he should climb back in bed to avoid this conversation or just face it head on. 

“Is it important?” Suguru asks, trying to figure out if it’s worth the extra effort to leave the comfort of his room.

“Yes, that’s why I came back home tonight. I haven’t been a good friend to you lately… And I want to apologize.” Satoru admits, letting all of his pride down for a moment and hoping that Suguru will know he’s being genuine.

Except Suguru doesn’t say anything in response. He looks like a shell of a person, hollow on the inside, all light inside of him gone. He shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have come back home tonight. I told you not to.”

“Well, I.. kinda have a bad habit of acting stubborn.” Satoru says, trying to own up to his faults.

Suguru nods subtly like he agrees. There’s another long silence before he speaks again. “I suppose we can talk.”

“Okay.” Satoru says quietly, turning to head toward the living room. Suguru slowly follows, his eyes cast downward, his hands still in the pocket of his hoodie as he makes his way over to the couch and plops down on it. He lets out a sigh before speaking.

“Are you happy, Satoru?”

Satoru joins him on the couch, sitting on the opposite end so there’s some distance between them. Suguru is staring at the wall in front of him, refusing to make eye contact still. Satoru’s body is turned toward him, searching to meet his eyes. 

“Yeah, I am.” He admits softly, almost like he’s ashamed that he’s finally feeling much happier than he has in the last two months. “Are you?” Satoru asks him the same question. It takes Suguru a minute to respond.

“I want to say yes. But right now, I don’t even know anymore.” Suguru finally looks at him after saying that. His eyes look extra heavy, dark circles around them.

“What do you mean by that? You can talk to me…” Satoru says calmly, his sapphire eyes locked into the other man’s honey ones.

“I know that I fucked up… and I’m tired of everyone around me rubbing it in my face.” He looks down again and shakes his head, like he’s disappointed in himself.

“What happened, Sugu?”

Suguru looks to be on the verge of tears, eyes welling up heavily from Satoru’s angle. His strained voice speaks up for himself, “Well, Shoko gave me an earful about how I handled everything and made me feel even worse about myself, like I’m the biggest piece of shit in the world. And now, you’re fucking Zenin!? How much do you hate me, Satoru? Seriously?”

“Okay, calm down.. I’m going to stop you right there. I definitely don’t hate you…. And Naoya and I aren’t ‘fucking’, at least not yet, but–”

“I don’t even want to hear about you fucking another man… Please… Do you know how that feels?” Suguru admits, his breathing heavy, a tear streaming down his face. He is not well.

Satoru gulps, his throat feeling choked up but he manages to fight through it. “Yeah, Suguru… I do. I do know how that feels. You don’t think I heard Saki moaning through the wall last week?”

Suguru lets out a heavy sigh and rolls his eyes that are still filled with water. “We weren’t having sex…”

“And even if you were, it doesn’t matter! Moaning is still moaning.” Satoru shoots back at him, trying to prove a point that they’re both in the same position.

“Are you saying Naoya has never made you moan before?” Suguru looks at him like he’s crazy.

“I never said that. I’m not afraid to admit that he has.” Satoru is starting to feel irritated, but reminds himself that Suguru is just feeling hurt and trying to figure everything out. “I don’t think I’m high and mighty… I know what I’m doing with him.”

“Are you sure? Because you fucking act like it sometimes, Satoru. You act like you don’t do anything wrong. You’re always the victim. It’s always poor Satoru.”

Satoru rolls his eyes at him and shakes his head. “Look.. I’m not going to fight with you over this anymore. You’re clearly hurt. I just don’t understand you…..”

Suguru wipes his eyes, his breathing still heavy, he’s sniffling and trying his best to keep whatever composure is left inside of him. When he doesn’t say anything, Satoru shakes his head at him again and continues.

“You act all jealous like you want to be with me, but you don’t want to be with me. And besides, you’re with Saki…. and I’m with Naoya. We’ve got to figure this out, seriously… because I finally feel happy for once and I’m tired of… whatever this is.”

Suguru doesn’t say anything, he just continues to silently cry, except it’s not all that silent. He’s sniffling softly and still trying to dry his eyes like it will help him speak. Satoru continues when he doesn’t respond.

“I came here to talk to you, not fight with you over who hurt who more. I’m ready to move on from this. Are you?”

Suguru slowly turns to look at him and nods his head. He stares at him for a moment and then speaks. “It’s not you, Satoru… It’s me.”

Satoru lets out a sigh and shakes his head. “It’s both of us.”

Suguru shakes his head back at him. “I know it’s cliche, but it really is me. I’m torn between what I want for my life and what I think would make my life easier. It’s not an easy position to be in…. I don’t think you could understand even if you tried.”

Satoru’s eyes turn much softer, holding that soft place for Suguru inside of them. “What do you mean? Let me try to understand, Sugu. Please…”

He wipes his eyes again and sniffles before elaborating. “I don’t want my parents to disown me. Unlike your mom who would support you no matter what you do or who you become, my parents would never support me. Not even if it was with you.” 

“Is… that the reason why you didn’t want to be with me?” He asks, even though he probably shouldn’t.

“I never said I didn’t want to be with you…. It’s that I can’t be with you, Satoru. I just can’t. I’m cursed.”

“Suguru… don’t say that. You’re not cursed.” Satoru responds softly.

“It feels like I am. I can’t even be myself without worrying about what my family will think. I’m pathetic.” Suguru looks down again, shaking his head like he’s mad at himself for being the way he is.

“No you’re not. You’re just… not ready for that yet. And that’s okay, because maybe one day, you will be.” Satoru tries to reassure him, hoping that it’ll help comfort him.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready.” Suguru admits, looking back up at Satoru.

“I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t be yourself…. I wish things were different. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Suguru shakes his head. “No. I’ve come to accept that I’ll never truly be allowed to be happy. Only happy that the people I love aren’t disappointed in me.”

Satoru doesn’t hesitate to let him know how he feels. “Well, I’ll never be disappointed in you. I’ve never been.”

“I know you won’t be…. it’s never been you that I’m worried about. I just need to live a normal life… And I’ve already grown to like Saki so maybe it’s possible for me to do that.”

“If that’s what you really want, then I support you, Suguru. And if you’re happy with her, then I owe it to you to be supportive… I really do.”

“Thanks.” He gives him a weak smile. “I am happy with her, well, at least most of the time. She’s been acting a little more distant than usual and I’m not sure why.”

Satoru pauses and thinks for a moment, unsure if he should pry. Maybe he shouldn’t get into their business. He can’t seem to help himself though, so he asks anyway. 

“Did something happen between you two?”

“No, nothing really happened. She just… didn’t feel up to seeing me today, I guess. She’s not quite as clingy as you are, so I’m not exactly used to it.”

“I’m sorry…” Satoru says, assuming that he probably would much rather have seen her this evening than to be stuck at home, having this conversation. This is good, though. This talk needed to happen.

Suguru lets out a sigh. “It’s not like you had anything to do with it.”

“I know, but it still sucks.” Theres an awkward silence between them, a mutual understanding of sorts. It doesn’t change Suguru’s situation, but Satoru tries his best to understand how he must be feeling. He decides he should probably bring up the real reason he wanted to have this conversation with him in the first place.

“Umm… so the reason I wanted to talk to you… is to tell you that I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I haven’t been a friend to you… You needed me to support you… to support your relationship… to be happy for you. And I couldn’t even do that because of my own selfish feelings. So, I’m sorry… All I did was try to get you to break up with her… to leave her for me. I didn’t even consider that you might actually like her….”

Suguru’s eyes light up, like the pain behind them is slowly healing and dissolving in the air between them. He doesn’t say anything, he just listens intently, so Satoru continues.

“I also want you to know that I’m not with Naoya to spite you, even if it might feel that way because of how quickly everything happened with me and him. But I genuinely like him, Suguru. I do.”

Suguru just looks at him for a moment before responding. “You do?”

“Mhm. You were right about what you said earlier. I didn’t welcome Saki… so I really don’t deserve for you to welcome Naoya. But I hope eventually, we can all be friends… or at a minimum, be in a room together without killing each other. Next Tuesday might be a good start.”

Suguru looks surprised to hear Satoru mention the upcoming gathering. “Oh, you guys are going next Tuesday? I didn’t think you would agree to it.”

“I figured it’s time. Plus, everyone can meet Naoya and get to know him. He’s really… sweet. He takes great care of me, Sugu.” Satoru admits, his cheek with a faint blush across them as he thinks about his boyfriend. Suguru notices, softly nodding and giving him a weak smile, trying his best to be happy for him. Satoru continues.

“And I will work my hardest to be kind to Saki, I promise. I won’t force you to be kind to Naoya… But please, let me make this up to you. I really miss our friendship.”

“I really miss it, too.” Suguru says. “I just hope that Naoya makes you happy… He’s very lucky, you know.” 

“You think so?” Satoru asks, smiling at him as he says it.

“I know so.” He smiles back. A comfortable silence forms between the two as Suguru exhales a deep breath like he’s settled on something deep inside of him. Satoru is fidgeting with his hands like he has something on his mind.

“You know what we haven’t done in a really long time?” Satoru asks, still messing with his hands in his lap.

“Hm?” Suguru asks, looking at him and waiting for what he’s going to say next.

Satoru points at the TV and motions his head toward it, hinting at something. Suguru takes an educated guess.

“What, you want to watch a movie?”

Satoru nods his head, his eyes lighting up as he meets Suguru’s. “Yeah, it’s been a while. We’re definitely overdue. But only if you want to.”

Suguru gives him a faint smile. “You really want to?”

Satoru nods his head in confirmation. “Mhm, but first, I gotta call Naoya. I’m sure he’s waiting on me.”

“Okay, take care of what you need to. I’ll, um, go use the restroom and meet you back here?”

Satoru smiles at him. “Deal.” 

Suguru heads toward the bathroom while Satoru disappears into his own room. He shuts the door and digs his phone out of his pocket. He unlocks it and lets out a deep sigh, allowing all the tension and stress and emotions to pour out of him in a single breath, providing some relief for a moment. What a heavy conversation. I need to hear Naoya’s voice. Please pick up… 

The phone rings one. Twice. Three times. He’s greeted by the familiar voice that follows him in his dreams.

“Hi baby.” Naoya answers.

“Hi, my love. Crisis averted.”

Naoya softly chuckles. “Awesome. You talked to him, I'm assuming?”

“Yes. Yes, I did.” Satoru responds very matter of factly.

Naoya sounds relieved. “That’s good, baby. It sounds like it went well. Should I be worried?”

Satoru softly laughs as he says, “Nope, not at all. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Gojo.” Naoya scolds half-jokingly.

Satoru grins even though his boyfriend can’t see his face. He teases him with, “Not gonna lie, it’s kinda hot when you call me by my family name.”

“Are you gonna let me take it one day?” Naoya teases back, curious what his answer would hypothetically be.

“What, my last name?” Satoru asks, surprised but also amused by his boyfriend’s question. 

“Yeah, unless you don’t see a future with me.” Naoya says still in a teasing tone. 

“Hmm.. Naoya Gojo? I don’t know about that… maybe I should be a Zenin.” Satoru says playfully, hoping to irk him. It works.

“Brat.”

Satoru grins, and teasingly asks him, “What? You actually think it sounds good?”

Naoya lets out a sigh. Satoru isn’t sure if he’s kidding. “Fine, you’d want to be Satoru Zenin?”

“Hmm.” He responds, contemplating his new hypothetical last name. “Not bad.”

“Ehh… it doesn’t really fit either, does it?”’ Naoya admits, amused at the conversation.

“Asshole. But I say that with love. You’re right, it doesn’t fit.” Satoru grins as he says it, and it’s apparent in his voice.

“Maybe we should just make up a new name entirely.” Naoya suggests, since both of their names don’t really sound too great on the other. Satoru laughs at the idea. It’s so insane that it might actually be what they’ll do someday. 

“That’s probably the only way it’d work.” Satoru softly laughs as he says it. “So, I’ll see you bright and early?”

“Yeah, just don’t forget because I miss you.” Naoya says, while Satoru pictures the way he looked earlier when he was leaving him. He won’t forget the sad look in his eyes as he turned his back to him and walked out his front door.

“I wont, my love. I promise.” 

Naoya smiles. “Good. Well,  I'll see you in the morning?”

“Mhmm. Goodnight, handsome.” Satoru says, smiling against his phone.

“Goodnight, baby.” Naoya responds softly, followed by a click.

When the call ends, Satoru pockets his phone again and steals one of the blankets near the foot of his bed. He bundles it up in his arms and carries it with him out of his room and into the living room. He smells something delicious and buttery as he gets closer to the living room. He sits down on the couch where Suguru is already sitting, waiting for him with a bowl of popcorn on his lap. Satoru notices, staring at the bowl and then looking up at the other man’s face.

“When did you do that?” He asks, amazed at the sudden appearance of popcorn.

“I heard you on the phone still so I figured I had some extra time.”

“Is that for both of us?” Satoru asks hesitantly, waiting for permission before diving in.

“Of course. That’d be too mean if I didn’t let you have any.”

Satoru smiles and reaches his hand into the bowl, grabbing a handful and popping it into his mouth. Suguru grabs the remote resting on the side of the couch and presses the play button. A movie comes on titled “The Dark Ghost” with the font Times New Roman displayed across the screen, like someone made it on Windows Movie Maker. To be fair, they probably did.

“This is going to be so bad.” Suguru says as he reaches his hand into the bowl for more popcorn.

“Nah, it’s going to be even worse than that.” Satoru says as he reaches into the bowl for another handful, too. It makes Suguru laugh.

There’s no doubt that this movie was filmed using someone’s phone, the angles and the cuts not looking quite as smooth as they should. It’s so horrible that it’s embarrassingly bad. Both men can’t help but laugh at one of the poor actors who is not very convincing. During the course of the movie, Satoru notices how every time Suguru laughs, he shifts a little bit closer to him. Maybe it’s not on purpose. 

Eventually, however, their thighs are touching and it’s a little bit more than just a coincedence. It isn’t long before Suguru is fast asleep and snoring, body slumped over so he’s leaning on Satoru with an empty bowl of popcorn on his lap. Satoru carefully sets the bowl of popcorn on the ground and puts his arm up on the back of the couch, trying not to cuddle Suguru but also trying not to wake him. He looks exhausted, like he hasn’t slept in weeks. Is it wrong that I’m not waking him up? I don’t want Naoya to worry… Should I move?

Satoru stares at the way Suguru is fast asleep, mouth slightly open, hair draped infront of his eyes, body like a ragdoll. He lets him sleep for a while as the movie plays in the background, and it isn’t long before Satoru’s eyes grow heavy. He can barely keep them open, hearing the soft sounds of Suguru’s breathing as it lulls him to sleep. He dozes off unintentionally, too.