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Scar enters his luxurious family abode, where his brothers, Chopper and Celtic, were in the middle of mutually masturbating themselves on the living room furs.
He put his hands on his hips, sighing, “Didn’t we agree, brothers, that that would be incest, and that incest is wrong?”
Celtic did not look up from Chopper’s throbbing member, “We found a loophole – Mary Sue is over by the couch, watching us.”
Verily, when Scar turned around, he saw the image of their pet Ooman, Mary Sue, languidly lounging on their furs as she was in the middle of sketching the two brother’s fornication.
“…and how, pray tell, does it not count when Mary Sue is around?” Scar asked, railing a brow.
“Well,” she spoke up, pencil twirling in her hand, “According to a very popular fanfic that some of the most outspoken anti-fictional incest people have in their favorites, it’s NOT incest when there’s a human original character in the room!”
“Explain.”
“Well obviously, Chopper and Celtic are jacking each other off just to entice me with their stupid sexy alien pheromones, so it’s neither incestuous NOR gay (because it’s very important that this isn’t gay, in some circles) for them to touch each other while im in the room!”
Scar frowned, “It doesn’t seem like your even aroused.”
“oh, I am,” Mary said, very gravely, “But for the purposes of this fanfic, it’s VERY important that I’m not fetishizing your brothers – otherwise, the people reading it will call me a disgusting fujoshi, or a fucked up “bad” queer, and resort to slurs and other such serious names in order to defend your siblings, even though none of you are real, and being homophobic is.”
“What?” Scar exclaimed, horrified, over the sounds of his brother moaning and groaning due to the non-incestuous foreplay they were having, “They would harass you and want REAL harm to be done to you even though my brothers are clearly only doing this because they are paper dolls with no feelings and no qualms, and only serve the purposes of what the writer wants, regardless of the level of horny you exhibit?”
“Oh yeah,” Mary nodded, “You see, a lot of people are anti harassment for the stuff they like, but once they decide the stuff you or I like is wrong or gross, they give others free reign to hurl abuse at you. So for instance, two gay yautja can touch each other, and even be brothers about it, but if some reader decides we’re gross incest-loving freaks, suddenly everything and everything we write is seen through that lens”
“I think I’m gonna cum!” Chopper said, interrupting Scar and Mary Sue’s intellectual conversation with his offensive orgasm.
“Can you hurry it up?” Scar tells him, “I invited some guests over – you know the knew family of Yautja on the block? I don’t think they’d be okay with Celtic still fucking you when they arrive.”
“I told you,” Celtic said, angrily, and still very much pumping Choppers cock, “I’m not REALLY fucking Chopper if it’s for Mary Sue’s benefit!”
“And you’re SURE this is in one of the most popular fanfics in the fandom?”
“You oughtta check one of the pearl-clutcher’s bookmarks sometime!” Mary Sue smiled, “You would be AMAZED and what people decide is “okay” and “not gross” so long as it’s in a fic that everyone likes! Or if everyone agrees with it!”
“How so?”
“Well have you ever wondered how a lot of people are okay with the concept of Yautja Clans even though that sort-of implies cousin fucking at the VERY least?” Mary Sue pointed out, “I mean, if a show like Fruits Basket is realistic about what the word clan means, where do my fellow humans get off trying to act like a Yautja Clan would be big enough in any stretch of the concept to skirt around the fact that sometimes, some of yall are fucking your relatives at LEAST twice removed?”
“I supposed your right – hey wait, what’s fruits basket?”
“A human anime, but that doesn’t matter -” Mary got up, setting aside her salacious drawing of two brothers fucking on the mat. She walked up to Chopper and Celtic and squatted down to where the poor Yautja was trying very hard not to cum until she said it was ethical to do so, “It’s okay buddy! I’m totally immersed in the moment, so you can ignore that it’s your brother touching your dick and focus on the fact that an unrelated human is getting off to this.”
“Pauk yea!” Chopper nut, spilling his seed all over Celtic, who rolled his eyes, since his brother’s loads were huge and thick and always a hassle to clean.
He bellowed out, “Ugh – I’m not dealing with this! SLAVES!”
Mary Sue gasped, “Celtic, you can’t bring to attention that Yautja Culture has slaves! Then I have to get weirdly ableist and white-savior-y about them!”
Celtic scoffed, “There’s no way I’m cleaning all this up before Scar’s guests arrive! Chopper never wants to help and Scar is looking up what Fruits Basket is!”
Scar was, indeed, looking up was fruits basket was – and Chopper was dozing off in a post-orgasm nap.
“But look!” Mary Sue pointed at the slaves who were coming in, who the author will NOT describe using weird and fucked up words like “cri**led” and shit, “See! Now they’re in the room and I have to make flawed commentary about how HUMANs used to have slaves and that it was WRONG! WRONG!”
“And now I have to be nonsensical about how Yautja culture is backwards or some c’jit,” Celtic growled, “I have to say that it’s been this way for thousands of years and you have no right to try to change this thing that didn’t even have to be brought up??”
“Yeah! And because you’re so damn hot and I want to fuck you, I have to “agree to disagree” that slavery is something I have to live with now because I have to “respect” your culture, because in fiction, we can say wild shit like that, that we would never say in real life,” Mary Sue shook her head in defeat, “Which is funny, because now it sounds like we can excuse fictional slavery and racism, but not fictional incest and rape!”
“Kind of pauked up.”
From his Yautja Ipad, Scar gasped, “Fruits Basket is really good!”
“I know right,” Mary Sue Smiled.
The slaves, who didn’t even have to be here by the way, and only serve to make certain writers feel good about themselves, shuffled out the door after wiping Choppers jizz from everywhere. Some of them wished they were in better fanfics where the white authors ARENT trying to soapbox about how slavery-conscious they are, and how its super bad, even though if they really felt that way, they simply wouldn't be writing about it in the first place and leave other writers to be flawed about it, so long as its fictional.
Celtic, now feeling bad about being made to say that slavery is good, actually, sighs deeply, “I guess I’ll try to be nice to them from now on, since you being a white human, has made me see the error of my alien ways.”
“Yeah I don’t really care all that much,” Mary Sue shrugged, “If I really cared about “canon” and shit, yall would be dead. The fact of the matter is, I don’t HAVE to include shit like yautja slaves or the idea that you guys are insatiable horn dogs who don’t understand consent –”
“Did somebody say lack of consent?”
The writer has decided that this fanfic was recorded in front of a live studio audience, and that Greyback, who is Scar, Celtic, and Choppers father, enters the room with uproarious applause.
“Hello father!” his sons greeted.
Mary Sue started quaking in her boots.
“Father,” Scar said, “I invited the other Yautja Family to dinner, please get ready!”
Greyback groaned, “I’m all pent up from my long day enacting barbaric and enacting absurd rules in our clan! Did you know we hate Oomans again?”
“I thought you abolished that last week?”
“Yes, but I wanted to be problematic about it this week,” Greyback explained, “The paperwork to undo it was TORTURE! One of you better be prepared to suck my dick and relax me!”
“Well according to fanon, none of US can suck your dick, cuz we're related,” Celtic pointed out, “Because we never decided it father-son incest is okay, just that sibling incest was.”
Greyback looked at Mary Sue, “It’s going to have to be you, Pet.”
Mary Sue began shaking her head, “Um! No way! You literally have infant-sized genitalia compared to your much younger and hotter sons! I DON’T WANT TO FUCK YOU!”
“Ooman, didn’t I explain to you that it’s problematic for you to lust over my minor-coded sons who are hundreds of years older than you? Especially when you can lust over ME instead, since I’m thousands of years older than you!”
“You just want me to write about what you like when you say stuff like that! And that's not how fanfic works! This is a free hobby, no one owes you free fanfic because YOU cant get off your ass and write it yourself,” Mary Sue pointed out, “Also, it just feels like you’re grooming me with extra steps. Since im human, it’s not right for me to fuck anyone with such a large agegap, even though the archive is littered with fanfics about that, only they never feel the need to point it out!”
Impatient, Greyback stomped his feet, “Luckily, it doesn’t matter what you think about this! Since the writer put a rape/noncon warning on this fic, I’m allowed to ignore your lack of consent!”
Gasping, Mary Sue looked towards Scar, “Are you gonna let you’re much older dad rape slash noncon me? Just because your too young for me to fuck?”
Scar shrugged, “Another thing writers do is make it so we Yautja don’t really SEE this kind of stuff as rape? According to some very popular yautja fanfic writers, we don’t UNDERSTAND what rape is, and you Oomans have to explain it to us.”
“Um, rape is when I say no and your dad literally picks me up over his shoulder to fuck me!”
Greyback, who lifted Mary Sue up over his shoulder to fuck her, laughs, “Yes but, according to these writers, we’re so sexed up and crazy, as long as YOU smell good to us, we don’t even know we’re raping you!”
“It’s a very common and normal alien-abduction trope,” Celtic says, looking it up on a peer-reviewed psychology report, “Only – only according to non-accredited Oomans who are NOT therapists and should probably not talk about it, it would be wrong for our father to rape slash non con you if he doesn’t recite a disclaimer about how bad he feels about it.”
Greyback pauses, in the middle of spreading Mary Sue’s legs for the rape and non con, “So I’m allowed to indulge in this common fantasy so long as I go on a performative spiel about how bad this is and that I don’t condone it in real life?”
“Tagging it should be more than enough,” Celtic says, “But we don’t want hate comments from people who ignore the tags, so I think it’s for the best you say how bad this makes you feel and how youre NOT getting off to it at all, actually.”
The writer decides to allow Greyback to rape slash noncon Mary Sue in front of his sons, because it’s GROSS and Wrong and even though the writer goes into great detail about how awful Mary Sue feels and how hot Greyback thinks this is, this fanfic isn’t for YOU THE READER to rub on out on. It’s actually VERY WRONG for you to touch yourself as you imagine Mary Sue screaming in agony, because even though the writer is going out of their way to describe it, they’re doing so with pain in their heart, and the understanding that this stuff should be taken seriously. And not for GOONING.
“Wait,” Greyback is still raping Mary Sue, put looks pensive about it, “Why is it okay for me to rape her if I say all these empty words? The writer has no control over who gets off to their fics?”
“True,” Mary Sue screams in agony yet again, very much not enjoying this, “IN fact, a lot of people get off to this kind of stuff every day, and it’s normal and has been studied over decades! But some very privileged people feel better about themselves when they act like they are writing about rape and noncon “the right way” and claim they only write about this stuff as “coping” or “stress relief” (this is something a pearl-clutcher really said!) and not because they think it’s hot.”
“That’s crazy,” Greyback says, getting turned on by all the raping he’s doing, “Regardless of WHY you write rape fics, as long as it’s fictional, no one should try to say you’re doing it “wrong” so long as it’s tagged! The writer isn’t hurting anybody, and neither you nor I are real, so your pain isn’t real either!”
Mary Sue starts sobbing, because Greyback’s huge cock has split her open, “YEAH! But some people think that people who write rape fics are pretty much rape apologists!”
“No way!”
“It’s true!” Mary Sue feels very violated by now, “That’s why some writers turn their noses up at writers who write about "problematic" stuff for kicks! They think they won’t be lumped with them, but they always are! People who don’t understand kinks don’t care about nuance, they think ALL Taboo writing is bad! Even the ones that “take it seriously”!”
Greyback comes inside Mary Sue without warning, further making her feel like a piece of meat and not someone loved and cherished.
Celtic watches Mary Sue go temporarily comatose, due to the abuse, and shakes his head, “It’s a good thing that rape can NEVER happen to Yautja females!”
Around him, Greyback and Scar look at Celtic like he is out of his goddamn mind, “The pauk did you just say?”
“Yeah,” Celtic shrugs, “You see, some Yautja writers like to rationalize their rape kinks in their stories by saying that rape is a gendered issue! They claim that because Yautja females are bigger and stronger – even though this is purely fanon – that we puny males HAVE to respect them, and that’s why we just don’t “get” rape, yknow?”
“That’s pauked up, brother,” Scar says, “So they are pushing a narrative that rape is the product of the victim’s inadequacy? And dressing it up in such a way that they’re using Yautja Females as some sort of radfem smokescreen?”
Chopper, who had been sleeping, blearily opens his eyes, “It doesn’t even make sense? Are they suggesting male Yautja don’t get raped? Or that a Yautja female, being bigger and strong than us on average, according to their non-canonical beliefs, have NEVER raped a male? It’s just flawed logic if you actually think about it for two seconds!”
Greyback shakes his head, “I really don’t like how that sounds! Like rape kinks are perfectly normal, as Celtic and Mary Sue here just explained, but using real-world pseudo-intellectualism in a fanfic feels dishonest and even kind of dangerous.”
“One could argue that that’s one of the ways fiction DOES affect reality!” Scar points out, “But they might not be ready for that conversation!”
“Lamentably you might be right!” Celtic sighs, “They don’t want to sit with the fact that they don’t actually UNDERSTAND why rape happens or why it’s bad, and fanfiction is by no means the place to be educated on it, so instead of just letting tropes exists in the safe vacuum they have to explore it, several Yautja writers rather use real-world radical rhetoric to make themselves feel better about what they get off to!”
The all shake their heads.
Just then, the doorbell rings!
“Thank goodness!” Scar says, jumping up to get the door, “Hopefully we can talk about less depressing things now that the new family is here for dinner!”
Greyback throws a towel over the very much still raped and comatose Mary Sue.
Scar opens the door to the new Yautja Family in town! They’re names are Dek, Kwei, and Father – daddy, please! The live studio audience that the writer just remembered starts salivating and screaming in uncontrolled lust.
“Welcome to our home!” Greyback greets the other clan leader.
He sniffs around and frowns, “It smells like sex and rape in here, you couldn’t have opened a window?”
“Ah, Father, we were just discussing how rape kinks are treated in the Yautja fandom!” Celtic explains, and then adds, “Do I still have to call you father even though you’re not MY father?”
“That’s what the promos are saying.”
“C’jit.”
“Regardless,” Father waves his very attractive hand in a sexy way, “I need you all to stop talking about sex in front of my impressionable sons! Don’t you know they’re both minor coded?”
Kwei frowns, “Since when am I minor-coded?”
“Look at your head!” Father points at his eldest son’s very normally shaped skull, “According to the phrenology employed by certain Yautja writers – phrenology is an aspect of eugenics and white-supremacy by the way – your skull is underdeveloped because it doesn’t look a THING like Jungle or City predators!”
“That’s absurd,” Kwei says, very angry, “All Yautja look completely different! City and Jungle might share some similarity, but Berserker and his brothers, and Feral, and most of the cast from Killer and Killers look utterly different from one another! A species is always going to have variation!”
“Yes, son, but you fail to consider that those are UGLY yautja,” Father says, “The fandom believes that all Yautja should look alike because studios and creative producers didn’t WANT to spend money on variation – they think Yautja all look the same in the comics not because it was easier on the artist, but because they are all under the strange impression that alien-species are homogenic.”
“That’s racist!”
“No, son!” Father corrects, “That’s xenophobic. And lazy.”
“Why can’t they just accept that our clan looks totally different?” Kwei asks.
“Because studio executives wanted to push a narrative that the “classic” predator design are the “good guys” but in doing so, confused their airheaded audience into thinking that when we DON’T look like that, something is WRONG.”
“So because our heads are shaped much differently than other Yautja,” Kwei ponders, “Me and Dek are now minor-coded? What are they saying about YOUR face reveal?”
“Probably more nonsense about how because I have grey hairs, like Greyback here, that it’s okay to pauk ME, but not either of you!”
Greyback nods, “That’s what I was explaining to Mary Sue, here, before raping her!”
“Hold on a minute,” Scar interjects, “Isn’t Greyback the name of the lost tribe Yautja leader?”
“Yes, but the writer forgot until this very moment and doesn’t want to change things.”
“Okay,” Scar accepts, “But let’s put a stop to this minor-coded nonsense! I happen to have a girlfriend –”
“You don’t have a girlfriend,” Chopper scoffs, “You’re SHIPPED with an ooman woman, that doesn’t mean she’s your girlfriend.”
“Of COURSE it does!”
Greyback shakes his head, “She’s a pedophile. She shouldn’t be having sex with a minor coded alien.”
“Lex is NOT a pedophile!”
“That’s probably why they don’t mention her when certain members of the fandom talk about us, scar,” Celtic muses, “It wouldn’t be cool to call the only black female protagonist of the series a pedophile, so they only focus on the fact that they think WE are minors, and don’t refer to her at all.”
“But we were on out CHIVA, it’s our rite of passage!”
“Yes, but some Yautja writers think chiva doesnt count,” Chopper says, sounding very distressed, “They’re so convinced of this, they ignore when the Italian Ooman explains that it’s an event that marks our adulthood.”
“Wait,” Kwei interrupts, “So if the movie doesn’t imply that I have ALREADY gone on my own chiva, they won’t think I’m your age?”
“None of us HAVE ages,” Celtic explains, “Just arbitrary numbers fandom members give us when they want to win an argument. It’s clear you are older than Dek.”
“but HOW MUCH older?” Kwei argues, “I could only be a year older! Or a few months! Given the LARGE disparity between how we look and how our father looks, it’s hypocritical to suggest either one of us is a literal child when the gap of ages is SO LARGE?!!”
”well, ooman love their hypocrisy! There’s really no telling WHAT excuse they’ll invent in order to harass others,” Celtic ponders, “so long as they feel bigger and better than total strangers, and want to get off on whichever one of us THEY like, their logic can be as weak as straw. A strawman, if you will.”
”So if Dan doesn’t walk into the screen and explain to the audience that im a grown adult, ,they’ll lump me with Dek!”
“It’s kind of hypocritical,” Scar says, “ISn’t this Dek’s coming of age story? That implies that he’s going to prove he’s a capable adult? Doesn’t infantilizing him literally mirror the very narrative he finds himself in?”
“Let’s ask,” Kwei squats down and takes the sucker out of Dek’s mouth. He had a big and baby bonnet on because some writers think he is literally 12 years old, because it made a good headline for some of the pop news websites. Nevermind that at one point, everyone thought Kwei was Dek’s dad, and Dan himself had to be like that’s misinfo, what are yall talking about? On the subject on Dek’s age, apparently these often corrected news articles ought to be trusted, “What do you think, little bro?”
“I think it really doesn’t make sense to view my story by literally expecting me to turn 18 at the climax of the movie,” Dek said, thankful he’s not being babied anymore, “That doesn’t make any sense? According to the 15 minute spoilers, my actual age isn’t even brought up. Just that I can’t do my Chiva? If Scar, Chopper, and Celtic couldn’t have done their Chiva, would THAT mean they’re minors? It just doesn’t make any sense if you think about it.”
“Technically,” Celtic points out, “None of us even PASSED our Chiva. We all died during it, so none of us are adults.”
“No, no,” Chopper argues, “According to the novelization, it’s just that we had to kill the xenomorphs! We’re all adults!”
“Well, no, didn’t you die before you could kill one?” Dek says, “And how is it fair that a novelization gives you a free pass, do I have to wait for a novelization of MY movie to get shipped like you guys do?”
“Since there’s still people who call us minors, I doubt it’ll help,” Scar sighs, “If only you weren’t weird looking and short!”
“That’s LITERALLY the point of my movie though!”
“Are our dad’s pauking?” Kwei said, peering at the two adult male Yautja who were in the middle of fucking each other in the living room, “Guys! Hey – guys I don’t think that’s allowed!”
“No, being gay is allowed,” Greyback said, humping away at Father, “it’s only certain Yautja-writers who think that we as a society are obsessed with breeding! Again – VERY common alien kink, but they make it weird by being evangelical about it – YEP IM NUTTING!”
“Nice,” Father says, taking a huge load in his ass, “Yeah, idk, because Dachande said he would do anything for Yautja pussy, the fandom sort of ran with it for years, and it’s not really a HUGE thing in other novels or comics. It’s especially no excuse to say that Yautja can’t be gay or trans!”
“Seems a bit conservative too,” Chopper mused, “This idea that female and male yautja are solely meant to fuck and procreate with each other, to the point that fandom would create discourse about it.”
Mary Sue wakes up to the sound of two male Yautja fucking, and sleepily adds-on, “Again, it’s perfectly okay to explore these types of things in fiction, but then going on a post after post bender about how YOUR headcanon is based on FACTS and shit is what makes it weird? Going back to the incest thing – it’s really just a kink some people have, but people want to argue that it would be IMPOSSIBLE in yautja culture….because reasons?”
“Something about animals,” Scar shrugs, “Some are averse to breeding with their direct relatives, but some animals are perfectly fine doing it with little genetic mutations – but again, trying to argue Real-Life logic onto fanfiction negates the fact that some people just wanna see Yautja siblings pauk!”
Dek leaned into his brother, “Are we gonna pauk?”
“If you want,” Kwei shrugged, “I feel like we’ll have more on-screen chemistry than Scar and his brothers, so im sure Mary Sue will ship us.”
Mary Sue smiled, “Sure will! In fact, yall should get it on right now, since it’s not gay or incestuous when a human is around, we established that already.”
Kwei immediately starts undressing Dek, who had a raging-hard child boner or something.
“whoa whoa whoa!” Celtic said, stopping the pair, “Isn’t this like CSAM/CSEM? Since we have no evidence of either of you being adults even though that’s purely up to headcanon at this point?”
Every in the room frowned and hissed at him, for being so fucking stupid,
“No, Celtic,” Mary Sue says, “CSEM/CSAM is a very serious term that law enforcement experts have REPEATEDLY told us NOT to use in regards to fiction! ANY fiction! They have continuously explained that comparing the real-life victims they rescue and have to witness every day to FICIONTAL CHARACTERS is not only insulting – it clogs up their help lines every. Single. Day.”
“The lives of actual children cannot possibly be comparable to grown men in rubber predator suits for a movie!” Greyback says, very disappointed that one of his own son’s would make light of real abuse over fictional characters.
“Furthermore,” Father says, “For those keeping up – we’ve already agreed that writing rape fics doesn’t make you a rapist – so why would writing underage sex make you a pedophile? So long as it’s fiction, there are no victims, and thus, there is no crime.”
“You weren’t here for that conversation,” Mary Sue pointed out.
“This is a crackfic, who cares.”
“Well!” Celtic throws up his hands in defeat, “As long as we’re tagging things anyway! I guess you two can get it on and it the readers own fault if they get upset or trigger themselves! After all, that’s what warning are for!”
“right,” Kwei nods, getting on his knees to start stroking Dek’s cock, "furthermore, it becomes a nonsensical game of victimhood - people don't actually care if anyone writes to "cope" because here comes so and so sob story who thinks they're the only one who has ever been bad-touched, and thinks that makes them the authority to police others, even if said others had it just the same or worse - it's really such a pointless argument that hinges on emotional fallacy and not actual therapy. really no point in engaging with disingenuous people who want to be the world's most important victims, while disregarding anyone other victims who happen to disagree with them. it's an endless debate."
Unbeknownst to the rest of the Yautja, he secretly hopes Dek stays a minor forever, cuz he’s sort of into that line of logic, for gooning purposes.
“in any case,” Dek says, thrusting into his brother’s hand, “If I survive my movie, I would be recognized as an adult, wouldn’t i? coming of age means I came of age! So why WOULD I still be considered a minor to a fandom? That makes no sense.”
“No, but it’s still hot,” Kwei says.
“I think your pervy thoughts were supposed to be kept a secret.”
“Nah, I don’t actually care, like you said, it won’t matter when you survive your movie, so why should I hide it now? Seems like there’s a lot of fussy people in this fandom who want to make a mountain out of a molehill.”
“I think we should all have sex!” Mary Sue jumped up, already half naked.
“Weren’t you raped earlier?” Scar questions.
“Yes but it’s fanfiction,” Mary Sue says, “And as long as it’s an orgy, there’s shouldn’t be any problem with everyone getting it on!”
“Well, I want to wait for Lex,” Scar pouts, “I’m very attached to her and the idea of monogamy.”
“Oh, alright,” Mary Sue rolls her eyes, “So long as you’re not obsessed with the idea of pointing out how SPECIAL you are for choosing one mate, in such a way that it almost feels like you think poly people are weird and somehow ALL OF YAUTJA CULTURE are some barbaric backwater tribal group of assholes who just DON’T get it.”
“Do people really right it like that?”
“Tale as old as stories itself, but if you ever point out how the way some writers attribute “tribalism” to anything and everything negative they associate with Yautja is kind of racist, than YOU’RE the problem!”
“Paya above do you Oomen have double-standards!”
Thankfully, Lex knocked on the door, and Scar rushed to greet her. We’re finally going to have some normal hetero sex in this fic, in case all the gay stuff and the rape and the incest has turned anyone off.
“Hey Scar!” Lex says, kind of shocked that everyone inside were already in the middle of fucking and sucking, “What’s going on here?”
“An orgy,” he shrugs, “You don’t have to participate.”
“That’s fine, we can have safe sane and consensual hetero sex here on the side,” Lex laughed, already taking off her clothes.
The writer outright refuses to make a mention of the color of her skin at every other fucking line – such as mentioning her “beautiful black breasts” or shit like “her dark pink cunt” because I am not a white writer looking to prove how non-racist I am by pointing out my characters skin color whenever they’re a lull in the conversation. Most cis-women have cunts and breast, so unless you’re talking in purple prose like how Scar saw the glowing light of the setting twin Yautja suns bounced off Lex’s bronze skin, and was looking forward to licking a trail along the column of her neck, why the fuck are yall so goddamn weird about brown-skinned women?
See how I said column of her neck like a normal fucking person and not the column of her CHOCLATE neck or whatever fucking absurdity yall write the minute you decide a nonwhite character has entered the goddamn room. You’re OCs are not exempt from this, bitch. You know EXACTLY what I mean. Talking about “fetishizing” the gays and the theys, but the minute you try to write like an afterschool special about ethnicities outside your own to show off how much of an ALLY you are, you end up sounding like the craziest fucking tone-deaf writers out there smh.
Anyway, Lex and Scar are getting it on crazy style.
“I hope I get pregnant,” Lex says as she bounces on Scar’s dick.
Scar is just enjoying the view, no thoughts head empty, “Yeah – I’m glad we’re finally over all the bullshit rules the Yautja fandom has for literally EVERYTHING outside of pure and consensual sex between two adults!”
Mary Sue gagged from where she was being spit-roasted between Celtic and Greyback, which doesn’t count as father-son incest, since there’s a human between them, “Hey! I don’t remember deciding whether you were minor-coded or not!”
“Who cares!” Lex moaned on her Yautja boyfriends huge and very alien cock, “It’s fanfic!”
Father and Chopper immediately start getting it on, which in lesser discourse, some people have also decided is problematic. Because Chopper is a Young Blood and Father is a clan leader, and the agegap is abusive and taboo if you use a very special math formula that converts thousands of years into human years. But since they were both having gay sex, and were not related, most people don’t care, except for a very loud and annoying subset of people who go out of their way to read relationship dynamics they don’t even like.
Just then, Assassin and Fugitive look into their open door, as they were in the middle of chasing each other, and not fucking, because enemies-to-lovers where they both want to GENUINELY KILL
EACH OTHER is also frowned upon, in some yautja writer circles.
Assassin shook his head in disapproval, “Hey you [insert slur because im sure as fuck not going to write one even for the purposes of this fanfic]”
Fugitive, being the Good Predator, hits Assassin in the arm, “You can’t INVENT slurs?? That’s really pauked up!”
“But we have words like I’cjit and babymaker [derogatory towards female]!”
“One means criminal and the other was used pretty much once and specifically to be misogynist towards yautja females in one source of media, which is kind of funny when you think about it and go back to the earlier conversation of how the fandom thinks Yautja Females are un-rapable and incapable of being rapists, because they think a Matriarchal society somehow…breeds misogynistic males who would treat Ooman females like c’jit while treating Yautja Females well because…xenophobia?”
“You’re just a filthy Ooman-fucker, Fugitive, I don’t have to listen to you.”
“Can you two quiet down?” Celtic says, kissing his father full on the lips, which still isn’t incest, because Mary Sue is squished between their rippling bodies, “You’re ruining my boner!”
“Assassin tried inventing a slur to use against Yautja!”
“That’s pauked up,” Father says, getting off to the fact that Chopper, who he was fucking, is technically younger than him and so them having sex is taboo, despite them both being consenting queer adults, “How come that’s allowed?”
“I don’t know, Yautja writers like to pretend they can control what other people write, but then they don’t have any problems inventing shit like slurs or homophobia into the works THEY write, it’s very strange to be honest.”
Kwei opened his mandibles wide to swallow up the huge load his little brother was showering all over him, on account of the sex these two were having, “Are they happy with ANYTHING?”
“Not sure,” Assassin shrugged, “They talk more about what they hate than what they like – kind of how I only care about killing Fugitive, and can’t be written about in any other context, because im a bad guy, and it’s wrong to like bad guys.”
“I hear that!” Berserker says, as he and his brothers were also passing by the high-traffic Yautja street, apparently, “You “good” Yautja can be in any situation you want! But us assholes get complaints by the canon police!”
“At least we can still rape others and have incestuous sex,” Falconer points out, “Since we’re bad guys, I mean! Apparently that’s “allowed” – right Tracker?”
Tracker was in the middle of fucking his dogs, which is another thing that is frowned upon in Yautja writing society. One of his dogs were licking at his balls, and the other was fucking open his hole.
“I love being irredeemable!” Tracker said.
“HOLD ON!” Wolf said, and since he was technically a cop, this is something that he should be well versed in, as ACAB means ACAB no matter how small, “WERE is the disclaimer that you “evil” Yautja are sick and twisted, and that the writer is literally SOBBING while writing about all these awful things you’re doing??”
The “evil” Yautja frowned, “Sorry! We don’t condone ANY of this no good nasty behavior IRL and the writer had two panic attacks writing about it, they only wanted to see how far they could take their writing, which makes this okay, because they’re not getting off to any of this, really!”
Wolf nodded, sagely, “Good good, carry on!”
He walks out of the scene with his prepubescent child concubine of unspecified gender, because ACAB, and it’s alright to write about alarming shit like this as long as you point how how awful it is. Or something.
And so everyone did carry on. Lex and Scar continued to have safe sane and consensual sex, both being straight adults, even though some people would argue Scar is a minor, which makes Lex a sexual predator. Kwei and Dek were getting it on also, and that was sibling incest, which was wrong, and was also depending on whether you think Dek is minor-coded, also very problematic. Celtic and Greyback were fucking Mary Sue into a coma again, and even though they were totally into it, it wasn’t dadson incest, because Mary Sue is a buffer. Chopper and Father were touching each other, and since they have a large agegap, it’s kind of abusive, but shhh don’t give the naysayers any more ideas!
Meanwhile, Bezerker and Falconer were raping whoever they liked, since they were bad bloods, and tracker was fucking his dogs, which is allowed, given who they are. Assassin and Fugitive started fighting again, those scamps, and they made sure not to have any sexual inclinations as they did so, lest they fall into fucked up tropes.
And since the writer already has everyone’s attention – somewhere on the other side of town, Big Mama and Ash Parnell were also fucking, problematic lesbian style – they lived in a queer-inclusive condominium with Ahab and Galgo. The writer doesn’t have any real reason to mention them, they just think these ships are neat, but if they wanted to make them problematic idk – Ahab and Galgo could be engaging in forced-feminization since the writer headcanons Galgo as trans-masc and sporting the mother of all cunts, and what the hell, Big Mama’s absurdly large penis is Ash’s favorite thing, just because some Yautja writers act like trans headcanons personally shot your iguanas.