Work Text:
When Minato opened his door to leave the house this morning, he had several expectations and goals.
1. The most emotionally stunted child he knew would have to be distracted from his suicidal thoughts.
2. The most determined medic (also a child, not as emotionally stunted) would need to be distracted from her depression.
3. The most kindhearted shinobi would still be dead.
4. The most incompetent teacher and Hokage would need to be distracted from his self-loathing.
As it has been the last few weeks, Minato made his way towards their designated training field. Kakashi would be up early, already training, while Rin would come punctually from her early morning shift in the hospital. He would like to tell them that they needed proper rest and time to actually sort out their thoughts and deal with their emotions instead of distracting themselves by working, but he felt a little hypocritical since Kushina had dragged him out of his office by his ear late last night.
He was right with his predictions. Kakashi was there, Rin was there, but there was also a box. A gift probably, seeing how it was wrapped. Kakashi and Rin were calmly sitting next to the gift, innocent looks in their eyes. Too innocent.
“Good morning Rin, good morning Kakashi.” He pointed at the gift “What might that be?”
Kakashi shrugged. “No idea, it was here when I arrived and is addressed to you. Felt rude to open it, but I did check it for traps.”
A bit too casual, but Minato was glad Kakashi seemed to be relaxing a little. He nodded and did his own checking for traps. It seemed to be fine.
“Are you gonna open it sensei?” Rin asked.
He sighed. Might as well get this over with.
In hindsight, he should have been more suspicious.
Inside were three Hidden Mist shiobi’s heads.
_
“Don’t you think we’re starting off a little strong? Maybe just start with a finger or something?”
“Eh, go big or go home”
“If it was up to me Danzo’s head would be the first, but this is a good start.”
_
No matter how much his trackers worked, they found nothing. Minato didn’t know why these Hidden Mist ANBU (not even normal shinobi, ANBU even) had been sent gift-wrapped as a present to him.
Unfortunately he still had duties to attend to and a war to lead, so he had to put that problem on the back-burner.
That was, until he found bloody Hidden Stone headbands in his mailbox.
_
“See, no weird body parts and the message is loud and clear.”
“Don’t you think this will confuse him even more?”
“Maybe he’ll even see it as a threat.”
_
More infuriating then the gifts themselves were the fact that despite his speed and his seals and his security measures and his ANBU and everything he didn’t find a single clue towards the person who kept giving him these ‘gifts’.
And they were gifts. The last body part came with a “Happy Birthday” card. Except the Birth had been crossed out and replaced by Death. Someone else (handwriting matched no one they knew) had added ‘not your’s, don’t worry’ underneath.
That didn’t really reassure him.
_
“Maybe we should start giving him something other then body parts?”
“Maybe? What do normal people give as gifts in such a situation?”
“Don’t look at me when talking about normal people.”
_
These weird gifts were driving him to madness. Literally. Maybe it was also the fact that he hadn’t slept last night deciphering why someone would hide actual Hidden Cloud intelligence reports under his pillow.
He must be hallucinating.
Because why else would he see his dead student badly scarred idly chattering with his living students.
Obito looked at him.
“You’re hallucinating” the hallucination said. Then it disappeared.
Minato looked at Rin.
She looked at Kakashi.
He looked at Rin.
Rin turned to Minato.
“Maybe you should go to bed sensei.”
Yeah, maybe he should.
_
“I told you to leave earlier!”
“Hey I was busy delivering important information”
“I wouldn’t say your top 10 tea places are important.”
_
The only good thing about going slowly insane via mystery gifts seemed to be the fact that his students were mentally better. Not healthy. Definitely not. In fact, they were even weirder. At least no longer depressed.
“Rin, I’m sorry you couldn't save that man. He was beyond healing.”
She looked at him, an empty look in her eyes.
“I am familiar with death sensei. I sensed his coming long ago and merely came to ease his passing. I have been dead longer than I have been alive.”
He didn’t know what to say to that.
She grinned.
“Can we have Dango after this?”
…
“Sure.”
_
“Sometimes I forget I have a body”
“Yeah, I know how that feels, to be able to walk through things and forget you can’t always do that”
“That’s an excuse, you just didn’t see that table when you stubbed your toe.”
_
Kakashi...is that one of my sensei’s books you are reading?”
He didn’t even bother looking up from the cover.
“No?”
_
“What do we do next?”
“Can’t we give him something normal for his birthday? Like a cake?”
“Actually, I have a great idea.”
_
No one could fault Minato his suspicions. Especially when a random birthday cake dropped on his desk out of nowhere.
Especially when his ANBU whisked it away after sensing something weird inside.
Especially, when apparently Danzo’s head had been found in the cake.
Kushina didn’t fault him for not eating his own cake that afternoon.
_
“Did we really have to hide the head in the cake?”
“I think it was a great idea!”
“Just because you helped yourself to the entire cake Kushina had to throw away.”
_
One of his secretaries approached him as another bingo book entry was found dead in his office.
“You know, one of my cats keeps leaving me dead things she thinks I might enjoy as well. Maybe it’s that kind of situation?”
“At this point I’m willing to entertain every idea.”
_
“We’re almost done right?”
“We better be. I’ve done more S-ranked missions in the last few months than most genin do D-Ranks.”
“Mah, stop complaining. It’s not like we didn’t help you.”
_
After the war was done and the nations had come to some sort of peace, Minato wondered if this would be the end of the gifts. They had done an enormous part in restoring peace and resolving conflict, even if they had cost him his sanity.
Apparently there was one final gift to give.
Obito dropped onto his desk.
“I’m back sensei! I even brought a welcome home gift!”
His not-hallucination not-dead student handed him the severed head of Madara Uchiha.
Minato wondered if he should break the record of earliest retirement of the Hokage seat.