Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The weather wasn’t good today.

It wasn’t raining, not yet, but he knew it would be soon. The salt was stronger in the air, murkier. The clouds above were storm clouds. The seagulls were circling overhead and not bothering people as much, barely dive-bombing today.

He walked down the boardwalk, going to close up one of his carts and get it tented when he first heard it. “Billy!” A voice, eager and loud. He didn’t turn. It wasn’t his name. But it came again, louder this time. “Billy! Jesus, Billy!” And by the time he heard footsteps pounding on the wooden planks, it was too late. He started to turn but in an instant his arm was grabbed, thrown back by someones hand.

The touch, the grab, it felt…electric. Like a storm. Like lightening.

But instinct took over and he shoved the guy away quickly. “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” He snarled. “Your mother never taught you not to grab people, you son of a-” but the words died on his throat when he looked at the young man standing in front of him. He looked like he’d seen a ghost. He looked ill. “Hey, you alright…?” He asked, anger fading, voice softer.

Whatever was going on, he was worried. Something was off. He could feel it in the air, in the breeze.

At his temperament changing it was like that did it for the guy. He snapped out of his shock, eyes blinking away unshed tears fast. “You’re not him.” He said, and the guy sounded sad. “It’s not you.” Which didn’t make sense. He didn’t know who this guy was, but he quickly got clued in on what was happening here.

“Ah, shit, yeah. I get it. I’ve got a twin.” He says easily, sticking out his hand. “I’m Ben. I’m assuming that’s what this is about?”

The guy just stares at him, and looks down at his hand. Ben’s never seen a guy tremble before, but that’s what’s happening. Even his eyes look like they’re trembling, or maybe it’s just how fast their moving. They’re looking him over, every little part of him, but frantic. His shoes, pants, waist, chest, arms, hair - then their eyes meet and he seems to stop, almost frozen.

“What dumb shit did he do, huh?” Ben asks, assuming his twin brother must have done something to upset this guy, to have him reacting so off. He’d never met someone from his brothers life before, never had a run in like this, but he always kind pictured it. Maybe not as dramatic as this encounter, but no less strange.

The guy still wasn’t moving. He looked like a frightened deer. His skin was so smooth, eyes so brown. Littered with moles, like little pieces of art collecting across broad plains of olive colored skin - kissed by the sun, so either he’s been here a while or he recently got a lot of light lately. Definitely wasn’t a self tan, this was natural.

He was attractive in a teen heartthrob way, Ben thinks. The kind that would be on the cover of TigerBeat or hanging on a poster in some girls wall. His hair alone was cause of envy. He looked so boy next door, so wholesome, it made him wonder if this was the type of guy his brother was friends with. Someone so…nice and cookie cutter clean.

Ben sighed, putting his hand away awkwardly. “Look, whatever he did-”

“He’s dead.”

There’s a long pause. The seagulls squawk overhead.

It happens fast. Ben’s eyes flicker to darkness for a second. black dots just covering his vision. He hears a crack of lightening almost like a whip and suddenly he’s not on the pier anymore - he’s somewhere else. Somewhere dark and cold and otherworldly. Somewhere he’s never been before. It’s like he’s seeing out of his eyes but they aren’t his own…

But in a blink it’s like nothing happened and he’s back standing in front of this guy, his words repeating in his head.

His twin is dead. His twin is dead, and he didn’t even know. He didn’t even feel it or sense it. He had no idea.

He takes a step back but stops. Thunder rolls up above. A storm was coming, he knew it was.

“He died?” Ben manages to ask, voice tense and thick.

Then the guy reaches a hand out again, grabs his arm. “You’re not him?” He asks again, and Ben shakes his head. “You’re…you’re not…”

and then, much to Ben’s dismay, the guy collapses.

___________________

“Did you miss me, Harrington?”

Steve awakes with a jolt, sweat dripping down his forehead, lungs struggling for air.

“Woa, hey, hey you’re okay, man. You’re alright.”

And Steve turns and see’s Billy and his stomach lurches. The guy is Billy but not Billy. His hair, the wild curls he was used to, were cut and shorter. He didn’t look as buff, as impossibly strong - and he wasn’t sporting that ridiculous smirk. The confidence that seemed to surround Billy’s ever move wasn’t present.

It wasn’t Billy.

“You passed out. I brought you up to my place.” The guy says. He’s standing next to the bed that Steve is on. It’s…red checkered flannel comforter and sheets. It didn’t even feel like something Billy would have. “Do you, uh, remember? You thought I was my brother?”

Steve looks at him again. It’s clearer now how much he isn’t Billy. “Right. Which is impossible. Because he’s dead.” Steve says more to himself, sitting back with a thwump against the headboard, face in his hands. “God, I’m an idiot. He’s dead. I know he’s dead. I watched him die. But I saw you and I just…”

“Yeah, uh, it’s alright.” The guy says, and Steve tries to remember his name.

“Benny?” He asks, looking up at the guy, and the guy looks a little uncomfortable.

“Ben. But. Sure, you can call me Benny I guess if you’d rather.” He says with a light humorous smile and, God, it’s so wrong. His smile is soft and genuine. It’s nothing like Billy’s. It’s like it’s him and it isn’t and it’s making Steve’s head throb. “Here, drink that.” He says, pointing to the gatorade next to the bed. Steve does, nearly chugging it.

He came to California kind of on a whim. He’d been working a lot lately and Dustin and Robin both were nagging him about taking a break. He’d never seen the ocean before and, well, Max talked about it so fondly Steve just figured why not?

He never really stopped thinking of Billy. Once everything finished, his death kind of haunted him. It was too much. Losing him like that. The struggle Billy went through. The grotesque way it all ended. It felt wrong. Too much.

So maybe part of the reason he came here was some weird sense of closure. A way to expel the grief he himself didn’t understand. It wasn’t like Billy was his friend. He was the opposite. Yet, he couldn’t get what happened to him off of his mind.

He wanted to try surfing. He’d been renting a board but felt himself too prideful to hire a teacher. He was athletic his whole life, he was pretty sure he could figure out standing on water.

Except he sucked. He sucked so bad. He was never aware of just how bad his balance was.

He had woken up to try again this morning but there was no one on the beach as if they all knew something he didn’t. Yeah it was cloudy but there was nothing in the weather report about rain so he figured he’d still go.

And that was when he saw Billy.

Well, not Billy.

Benny.

Ben. Crap. He was just adding the y because it was closer to Billy’s name, wasn’t he?

“Sorry. I’m sorry.” Steve mumbled, shaking his head. “I didn’t mean to like, stir up drama. I didn’t mean to pass out. I’m not someone who just faints.” He says, annoyed at himself like he’s some damsel in distress.

Ben doesn’t say anything, just kind of observes. He has the quiet watchful thing Billy had down, that’s for sure. Steve wants to stop analyzing and looking for similarities but he can’t help himself. “Can I ask how he died?”

Steve looks up at him. “You didn’t know?”

“No.” Ben says, and Steve remembers how surprised he seemed back on the pier. How he talked about him like he was still alive, asking what he did in the present tense.

He watches as Ben knocks some clothes off a chair and drags it closer to the bed. “Look, we weren’t close. I don’t even know if he knew he had a brother. I don’t even really know what happened, if it was some sort of parent trap shit or what.” Ben huffs. “I was a foster kid for as long as I could remember then one day this woman shows up, claiming to be my mom, telling me she had two sons and just left an abusive husband and, Jesus, yeah. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

“That’s….that’s a lot.” Steve says quietly. “So, your mom came back for you out of the blue…?”

“No. Not really.” He shrugs, hunched over, looking more like Billy now. “She got some test results. Had cancer. Kind of changed her outlook on life.” He explains. “Just like that she left her shitty life and went looking for me to set things right before she, ya know, died.”

“She left Billy alone with him.” Steve says bluntly, not sure why he’s telling him this. “With your dad. He was an asshole. You’re lucky you didn’t have to live with him.” But then he feels like a dick, because this guy apparently grew up in the foster system and maybe he was being out of line, but Ben just laughs.

“Yeah, I’ve heard stories. It was kind of….weirdly nice to have answers. Why she left. Why she didn’t take me with her. Apparently they couldn’t afford two kids and I was soft.” He offers a pained smile. “So. Neil decided on keeping the son that he saw more of himself in.”

“That’s insane.” Steve says. “Seriously. That’s some made for tv movie shit.”

And Ben laughs again, and Steve likes it. It’s so weird. Is this what it would have been like to hear Billy laugh? To see him smile? To see him fucking soft and kind and not raised by a monster?

“How did he die, Steve?” Ben asks again, cutting through the bullshit.

So Steve tells him.

He doesn’t tell the whole story. How can he? He just gives the short of it. The fire. But he edits it. Instead of Billy sacrificing himself and trying to stop a monster, he says a beam was collapsing and he pushed the kids out of the way. Ben’s eyes seem to glisten as he listens, his knuckles to his chin, posed like ‘the thinker’.

“Seems like my dad did make the right choice then. I would’ve never been able to do that, to save people. Billy was stronger.” He says almost wistfully. “Bummed I never got to meet him.”

Steve doesn’t know what to say. He could go into more detail about what Billy really was like, but he realizes he doesn’t actually know. Yeah, when Billy was alive he was a complete psychopath, but was that what he really was? Steve thinks back to what El told him, what Max told him. He thinks back to how Billy tried to warn them before the monster made him drive straight into them.

“There’s different types of strong.” Steve decides on. “Billy was…different. But he wasn’t always easy.” He sighs, leaning back again. “None of this matters now. I’m sorry I freaked you out and acted all weird. I’ll get out of your hair.” Steve stands, legs a little wobbly but not wanting this guy to see him struggle or think he’s weak. Maybe he still subconsciously remembers how Billy made him feel.

“It’s really no trouble. You knew my brother, it was cool hearing about him. And, uh, I guess good to know he…passed.”

Steve nods, looks around awkwardly because Ben is toward the door to leave and he’ll have to squeeze by him in the small room and he was hoping maybe he’d move on his own without Steve having to like, push past. “You didn’t feel anything? I know sometimes they say twins have like, a connection.” Steve says, trying to make a light joke.

“I think that’s if they’re actually close.” Ben laughs. “But, no. I didn’t feel anything.” He moves, letting Steve brush by him. “If you’re from Indiana what are you doing up here anyway?”

“Oh, on a vacation.” Steve shrugs. “Change of scenery. Trying to get down with your cali lifestyle. Got a motel near the beach and I’m trying to surf and whatever.” He says, putting his hand on the back of his neck.

“Hey, I grew up surfing.” Ben grins. “If you need help I could teach you. You renting a board? I’ve got some you can use while you’re here, save you some money.”

“Really?” Steve asks, not sure if it were weird to do that. “You don’t have to. You hardly know me.”

“Yeah, I got a thing about people. Can tell whose a good one and whose not. Like my superpower.” Ben says. “You seem like a good one, Steve. Hell, tell you what. You ever want a hotdog I got you there, too. I own two carts on the pier. Just tell em Ben sent you and they’ll hook you up.”

“You own two hot dog carts?” Steve quirks his head, surprised. “That’s what you do for a living?”

And at this, Ben laughs. Loud and boisterous and for a second, Steve swears he can see Billy there.

“I own two hot dog carts and the arcade on the pier. This world is kind of my playground. Always has been.”

“No shit?”

“No shit.” Ben says. “Look, it’s going to storm real bad soon so maybe skip out on the beach today and the water because everything will be closed and it’s not safe anyway, yeah?” He opens the door for him, and they walk into a living room that’s oddly more spacious than Steve would expect. Colorfully painted surfboards are on the wall along with a lime green bike and some skateboards. He thinks of Max, but is quickly distracted when he sees the ocean from the window and walks over before realizing that they’re quite literally above the pier.

He lives on the pier. This location is amazing.

“Holy shit what a view.”

“Better at night when the ferris wheel is lit up, but yeah, I ain’t complaining.”

Steve turns suddenly. “I mean, hey, if you’re not doing anything would you want to maybe show me the arcade? I don’t have anything to do now anyway. I was going to attempt to surf but that’s out the window.”

And Ben stares at him idly, almost certain that he’s going to blow Steve off, but for a quick second his tongue pokes out the same exact way Billy’s would. “Fuck it. Sure. Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

In the past three days of being in California, Steve hung out with Ben.

His worry of ‘being too much’ faded quickly at the shere amount of fun from being immersed into his lifestyle. The beach, the surf, the boardwalk, all of it. When they walked down together, everyone said hello. It was like something out of a movie - like the old cartoon of beauty and the beast he used to watch as a kid, with the townsfolk.

He’d watch as they would open their booths and stores, how everyone migrated to the one deli shop in the morning, like a community on the water. He listened to them gossip, tell stories about the tourist or locals, laugh and drink coffee together.

In three days he was starting to get used to all of it.

And miraculously, Steve had actually managed to cruise a small wave.

“Plant your feet.” Ben had said, in the exact same tone Steve had once heard before. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up. He felt cold, a sea breeze blowing past at that exact moment. He turned to his new friend slowly.

“W-what?” He asked, so startled he nearly fell off the board there and then.

“You’re moving too much. You don’t shimmy around in surfing you stay planted.” Ben said with a smile, a tilt of the head. “You keep moving your feet like you’re trying to get better balance. That isn’t how it works. Lower body still, upper body moves.”

And with his advice, Steve had done it.

He was getting better by the day.

So, on the fourth day, when Ben told him to ditch his motel and just crash on his couch - Steve almost choked on his coffee.

He had come over early to go surfing with Ben and brought coffee from the shop he now knew Ben always got his morning coffee from. Ben was shirtless, applying sunscreen aggressively to his body like what he just said wasn’t a big deal to him at all.

He wasn’t built like Billy was. He didn’t have abs or muscles but he did seem toned. Tone but soft. His arms were big, and he imagined Ben was the type to give good hugs, to be a good cuddler.

Which, what the hell were those thoughts?

Okay, sure, Steve had thoughts like that before about guys. And maybe a little more grahpic than that. But for some reason most of them had been toward….well…Billy. When he was alive.

He hated Billy. He hated how he talked down to him, how he tried to measure up. Hated how he treated the kids and everyone around him.

Hated the feelings that burned for another man.

Hated how, despite how much he hated him, he still found him so damn attractive.

He kinda thought those feelings died with Billy.

“I couldn’t do that.” Steve says anxiously, offering a weak smile. “You’ve already done enough. Showing me around, giving me something to do, letting me use your board.”

Ben rolls his eyes. “C’mon. You’re not even here much longer, who cares? Why bother wasting your money on that rundown place when you spend half the time here anyway?”

Steve bit his lip. He wanted to stay here. He wanted it…like…a lot. Like a weird amount.

Being around Ben was finally silencing the constant thoughts he normally had when he was alone. He’d been actually sleeping well at night and felt like he had a reason to wake up in the morning. Ben was, stupidly, kind of his saving grace at this point. It felt like his vacation hadn’t actually started until he passed out at his feet.

So after their morning surf Ben went to do some work and Steve brought his stuff back to Bens place and poked around a little.

He was curious by nature, so what?

He studied the pictures on his fridge. Him with an older couple, arms around each other. Likely his foster parents.

A picture of him at graduating giving the middle finger and laughing with some buddies.

A random dog that was likely an old pet.

Then little random things like take out menus, coupons, invitations to stuff.

His fridge alone told the story of a little life. A life Ben had. A life with no trace of this guy even having a brother.

Steve couldn’t help but wonder if this is what Billy would’ve been like, if he stayed in California with his mom. Or maybe if he was the one left behind. If Billy had been given an actual chance.

That was another thing about hanging out with Ben. They talked about Billy frequently. Which, at first kind of made Steve uncomfortable. He’d started to feel like he was lying to the guy about who Billy really was, but he didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. So he stuck to the simpler things. When Ben would ask questions about him, Steve would say how athletic he was. How he was great at basketball, how he drove a cool car, how girls loved him.

After awhile, Steve didn’t mind talking about him.

They didn’t talk about Billy much back home. They all felt weird guilt surrounding his death, like they had failed him by not telling him about the Upside Down. Like they were the reason he was dead.

Or maybe that was just how Steve felt.

He didn’t know, no one talked about it.

One day when they were out on the water joking around the conversation of life guards came up and Steve mentioned how that was Billy’s job before he passed.

And Ben seemed all mystified when he thought about this. “So he was always saving people, then.”

And, damnit, Steve should’ve told him the truth but it was like Ben was looking up to this guy - painting a picture in his head.

He couldn’t just come out and say more people needed to be saved from Billy Hargrove than by him.

Steve slumped on the couch and took a deep breath. He dreaded having to go home and tell Max about this. Hell, he hated having to go home at all.

What would she say? Knowing there’s a guy out there with her brothers face, with his DNA? Would she want to meet him? Would that be weird?

But…maybe he didn’t even have to tell her.

No. He shook his head. No, that wouldn’t be right. This wasn’t something to keep from her. God forbid she ever run into him herself, even if the chances of that were small.

He stared at his hands in his lap. He was tan now, so much tanner than he’d ever been. He was in the sun constantly. Even his hair was getting lighter, highlights sprouting out like honey.

He looked alive.

He felt alive.

And you know what? Right now he wouldn’t think about that. He’d silence the thoughts again. He’d relax. That’s what he was here for. To not worry for once in his life.

______________________

Later, when they walk the boardwalk together, Steve gets the perks of being with a pier worker.

They play almost all the games for free. Steve refuses to stop until he wins something and he does - a stupidly big stuffed Bugs Bunny. He doesn’t give it to Ben because he doesn’t want to make it weird, but he thinks when he leaves, he’ll leave it with him, too. Maybe with a note to take good care of it. Something to remember him by. He smiles a little at the thought.

They share a cotton candy, passing it back and fourth and plucking from it.

Was this what it was like? Being on a date as a girl?

But this wasn’t a date. It just felt like one.

It was the sort of thing Steve would’ve planned for one of his old girlfriends. Games, rides, sharing food. But now he was the one being doted on. If this is what girls felt like, Steve suddenly felt stupid jealous. This was nice. He wanted this all the time. He wanted to be given nice things, taken out and showed off.

That night when they got back to Bens, after they watched a movie, Steve went to the window and his heart was in his chest. The whole boardwalk below was lit up. Lights, sounds, smells. It was like a wonderland seeing it from above. “I can’t believe you live like this.” He said with a laugh as he opened the window - getting a whiff of the air laced with sugar and salty air.

He heard Ben come up behind him, closer than they maybe ever stood before, but Steve didn’t move.

He became overly aware of his breathing, trying to make it lighter, as though he were trying not to scare him away.

He wanted him closer.

“Yeah.” Ben says, and he’s so close Steve swears he might’ve just felt his nose near the back of his neck - he certainly felt his breath there, goosebumps breaking out on his skin. “I…like how you see the world.”

“Huh?” Steve asks dumbly, turning his head a little to look back at Ben, who comes up to stand beside him instead of behind. They gaze out the window together, looking a the activity below them.

“You get a kick out of everything.” He says, and Steve can hear the smile in his words. “I mean, I’ve always loved it here. I’ve got a pretty good life, I’ve always realized that. I built every piece, brick by brick, to get here. But I guess…sometimes you get used to it all.” He looks at Steve, and slowly he brings his hand up to brush his hair back. Steve feels like he might cry. Not because he’s sad, far from it, but he’s just so overwhelmed. He hasn’t been touched in a long time, not like this. “It’s like you’re bringing all this color back that I ignored.”

Steve wants to say something - anything! But his brain is short circuiting.

“Sorry is this…is this too much?” Ben asks, lingering his hand away. “If you’re not - I don’t mean to pry - the way you look at me sometimes, I just thought - “

And oh, no. He’s pulling away a bit now because Steve is just standing shell shocked. Steve’s making him doubt himself. He doesn’t want that. He does want this, wants him, he just doesn’t know what to do. It was never like this with girls. He was always the confident one, the one in charge, and now he felt all confused and out of sorts. But, okay, yeah he could do this! Just do what he did with girls, it’ll be fine!

So, Steve crashes his lips against Ben's without a second thought.

His hands are on his jaw, bringing him close, kissing him so deep Steve can taste the cotton candy from his tongue and he almost forgets to breathe. He feels Ben's hands go to his waist and he does something he never does when kissing- he opens his eyes. He wants to see him. He wants to see everything. But as he does, he’s met with Billy's icy blue eyes, the intense ones that would burn him and the whole world down, and he gasps, pulls away, starts coughing.

“Holy shit.” Ben says quietly as Steve wipes his mouth, coughing too hard, getting his breathing. “That was…hey, you alright? Did you swallow my tongue or something?” He jokes. Fuck his voice even sounds like Billy. He wasn’t Billy, though. Ben was kind. Ben preferred tea to coffee. Ben let kids try again at the arcade when they ran out of coins. Ben liked people, liked life, liked animals. He was sunshine and sea waves.

He wasn’t Billy.

“Sorry. Sorry I just got-” Scared? Startled?

What?

Had a quick flashback to your dead twin, don’t worry about it.

What the hell was he suppose to say?

Luckily, he doesn’t have to say anything because Ben just smiles. “I thought you weren’t interested a minute there. Thought maybe I read the signs all wrong. I do that sometimes? You wouldn’t have been the first straight guy who looks at me and I think maybe they like me. My buddy says he thinks I’m the only one without gaydar.”

Steve just awkwardly laughs because he doesn’t know what to say. Is Steve gay? He did just make out with this guy without a second thought. He also was positive he wanted him. So. Maybe he was? Robin was gay. Maybe Robin would know. Maybe he’d call her tomorrow. He was suppose to be checking in and he kind of forgot. He could make small talk and then just casually drop it in. Hey, Robin, am I gay?

Yeah, yeah she’d know. She knew everything.

“Not to be a total loser but can we do that again?” Ben asks, taking a step forward, and Steve smiles.

“Please.”
______________________

They’d moved to Ben's bedroom in a flash. Steve felt like he was drunk. He wasn’t, of course. He had maybe two beers. But he never felt like this before. Sex was always so routine to him, so standard. It didn’t feel like this. There wasn’t this electricity, this need.

Ben was over him, both their shirts off, and he was placing kisses down Steve’s chest. It was fast. It was a blink and I’m on-top of you situation. And, oh, so does that mean Steve would be the one getting fucked? He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He was always open to trying new things - and then he kind of giggles because, well, in this case he meant literally open.

Ben pulls back, smiling, looking at him adoringly. “Something funny?” He asks.

“Just, I’ve never done this. It’s kind of, uh, it’s not funny. I just. I guess whenever I imagined this sort of thing I was the one doing the um, the giving…not the receiving.” He says as he smiles up at him all dopey, until he watches Ben's face change.

Ben sits back, and it’s like someone sucked the energy out of the room. “Hang on. You’ve never done this?”

And, shit, Steve fucked up. Was that the wrong thing to say? He sits up now quickly too, mouth open and shut as he tries to think of the way to get this going again. “I mean, no, I’ve had sex! I’ve had so much sex. Loads of sex. Like, a lot.”

“With a guy?”

“…..No.”

Ben runs his hands through his hair. “Jesus, okay. Let’s pump the breaks here then.”

“What!? No! It’s fine! Like I said, I’m not a virgin. I can do it. I can take a dick!” Steve says, startling himself, and Ben lets out a loud laugh. He cups Steve’s face and kisses him again.

“Listen. We should talk about this more. I’m not just going to rush into this and fuck you, despite how much I want to, believe me. This is…a whole new world for you and I want to usher you into it right. From the sounds of it, you might not be a bottom, which is fine, but that’s something we need to discuss and talk about.”

Steve pouts dramatically. “Seriously? Just like that? We started off so hot and heavy…I don’t really want to have some type of sex class right now where you make me aware of how utterly out of my depth I am here.” He laughs a little, weakly. “I want you to be my first, alright? It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

Ben pulls Steve forward swiftly, his thighs over his, sitting on his lap. This whole night felt different. Usually Steve would lead or be in charge but Ben was the one holding him, Ben was the one leading and guiding and teaching. It made Steve feel like a puddle. “You aren’t leaving yet. We have plenty of time. If you want to bestow the honor to me of being the one who gets to fuck that tight little ass of yours, who am I to decline such a privilege?” He kisses Steve’s shoulder, and with the dirty talk mixed with the sweetness Steve lets out a low whine. “But we need to work you up to the real thing, baby. I’m going to do this right by you.”

And Steve feels his eyes water again, because without a shadow of a doubt, he knows Ben is nothing like Billy. Not at all. Not any part of him.

______________________

Ben really likes this guy.

And, shit, it’s so fucked because he’s leaving.

It had him wondering if he liked him so much just because he was leaving. Everyone he’d ever been with called him out on some type of issue with commitment so maybe this was his way of subconsciously setting himself up for failure.

But…fuck, look at him.

Steve was laid out amongst his pillows, so damn perfect and looking gift wrapped for him. The doe eyed brunette looked at him like no one else ever had, and, yeah he worried it had something to do with his dead twin but he hoped against all hope that when Steve looked at him he saw him, just him, no one else.

Because Ben only saw Steve.

“So. We stop here? I don’t wanna stop.” Steve admits with a nervous laugh, looking down at the small forest on his chest that sloped down to his belly. He was playing with his hands. He was nervous but sure of himself and it was the cutest goddamn thing. Somehow the guy was hot as sin yet cute as a button and Ben couldn't understand how someone could be both in a single second.

“We don’t have to stop if you don’t want to.” Ben told him as he rubbed his thumb gently against his thigh. “But we aren’t going to break you in one night either. What do you want, huh? Have you ever done anything with a guy?” Steve shakes his head no and Ben doesn’t know if this is a blessing or a curse. He loved that he’d be the one to show Steve what he was missing. Adored that he’d get to open him up, show him how good it can be, how he can make him feel. On the other hand, Steve was leaving. “That’s alright. Again, honored that I was just so hot you had to pick me as your first.”

Steve snorts at that. Ben grins.

“I guess…I don’t know…we keep making out? And, and touching? Is that okay?” Steve asks and Ben wants to fucking devour him whole, his shy little fucktoy.

“Sounds like my kind of night.” He teases, running his hand up and down a little higher. “How about you tell me if you need me to stop, or if you want something else, yeah? Just…you can trust me, Steve. Whatever you want.”

And there was that look again from Steve. It was like no one had ever been nice to him before. Like a shelter dog receiving a pet for the first time.

Ben couldn’t understand it. He looked like a crown prince and yet he gave off ‘unloved’ and ‘mistreated’ and who in the world could ever look at that face and not immediately fall for him?

Steve leans forward and begins kissing him again and Ben feels dizzy in content. Steve sucks his tongue and makes him moan. He wants to push him back and worship him like he deserves. Wants to make him cum as many times as he can. Wants to hear him pant and beg and whine.

He wants to shower him in kisses.

Wrap him up in silk.

Take him to the ocean, show him to the moon, tell the world look what he’s found.

There’s a flicker behind his eyes as he closes them. A flash. It’s been happening more frequently. He’s found himself losing time. He’ll be out on the waves with Steve and then they’re back on the shore, laughing, and Ben doesn’t even remember the chunk of how it all went.

He knows it’s not good.

He’s going to go to the doctor.

Just as soon as Steve leaves. He doesn’t want to waste a moment with this precious seashell that washed up on his beach.

Jesus H. Christ cool it with the metaphors.

Ben shakes his head, not sure where that thought came from. It was like it was in his voice, but it wasn’t his.

Like the dreams he’d started having since Steve came.

He was used to nightmares but these were different. A place inside a dream. Vines, wetness, breathing. Something out of The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

It was like he’d fall asleep and wake up in another world.

And he always saw someone just out of reach. A shadow. A memory? Something.

Steve is laughing under his breath about something again and Ben isn’t sure what he missed. He’d been missing so much lately. Blacked out on half the movie tonight and when he refocused Steve was sitting right beside him, sharing popcorn, talking about Tom Cruise and how cool he was and yeah, Ben was pretty sure this guy was not all the way straight because he’d also brought up Patrick Swayze the other day.

“Can I?” Steve asks, his hand by Ben’s boxers and Ben just smiles.

“So polite. You never have to ask me, baby. You can touch me anywhere you want.” And he thinks he sees Steve shiver.

“Never had a guy call me baby.”

“Gunna call you lots of things, sugar.”

He hears the sound of his laugh again and feels warm all over. “God, you’re a sap.”

Then Steves hand is on him, palming him through the fabric. Ben lets out a deep moan, eyes fluttering softly closed right before he got a good look of Steve biting his lip like he was unsure. “You’re a natural.”

“I’m barely touching you.” Steve says, but Ben can hear he’s pleased. Pleased and happy. That’s all he wants him to be. He can still see his face when he first met him, the shock and sorrow. He looked distraught. Then he fell, had to be carried up the stairs to his home, had to be nursed into his bed.

The bed they were on now.

“Could probably get myself off from just starin’ at you.” Ben mumbles, eyes opening again as he ruts against Steve’s hand.

“As if.”

“Mean it.” His hands go to Steve’s waist now, eyes meeting his. “Can I touch you? Can I taste you?”

Steve has a sharp intake of breath but he’s nodding quickly and Ben wastes no time pulling his underwear down and out of the way as Steve’s cock springs free and slaps against his stomach. Ben knew it was a lot. He could see it in his swim trunks. Hell, he could see it sometimes in his shorts or jeans. Steve was packing. It’d been torture having to constantly look away day after day when the damn thing looked so eager to be seen, to say hello.

He was longer than Ben by a lot but Ben was thick. Girthy. He wasn’t worried if Steve would like it, he’d make sure he did. He’d be gentle. He’d take care of him.

Ben smeared Steve’s precum over his tip and watched as his hips bucked instinctually. Oh he was good. Too good. Too precious.

Ben could thank god for his brother, for delivering this man to his doorstep.

And what a meet cute that would be, huh? If they became a couple and people asked how they met? What a story.

But Steve was leaving.

Fuck.

He was leaving.

Ben took him into his mouth fast, swallowing him down like he tried to swallow down the reminder that this was fleeting. Steve gasped and choked and sputtered as he gripped the bed sheets and Ben looked up to watch. “G-God! God, Ben!” Steve nearly yelled, as if he was mad but he wasn’t. He just didn’t expect it. Didn’t expect to be taken down his throat in near seconds. Probably because he was so big, but big never bothered Ben.

He grinned, looking up as Steve looked down and felt his cock twitch in his mouth. “Holy shit. You look-you-” But Steve couldn’t get it out. Ben kept working him, hand around his base to pump while he loaded him in and out of his mouth, making it extra wet for him - drool dribbling down his chin. He knew he had an impressive mouth, just like he knew this was probably going to be the best blowjob of this guys life.

His own eyelashes fluttered against his cheek as he closed his eyes. His cock was painfully hard at how turned on he was, at the noises Steve was making, at the way his legs were shaking. It was only another moment or so before Steve tried to speak, a weak “I’m-!” and then his release painting Ben’s throat sweetly. Ben felt like he was swallowing more than he ever had and looked up at Steve in wonder and amazement. His poor Indiana recluse. Clearly he needed that.

He popped off of him happily and grabbed at his own cock while Steve laid back, breathless and panting and watching. “God, you’re incredible…” he said weakly, watching as Ben worked at his own dick, tugging and looking over Steve like he was a piece of meat.

“Right back at you, baby.” He said, voice strained, deep and husky. He came looking at the spent man in his bed, his cum dripping down his fist as some hit his own chest.

Then he crumpled down on-top of him, breathing into his chest.

Steve wasted no time in wrapping him up in his arms, petting him, cooing. Oh god he was sweet. Steve was sweet. He wasn’t the type to hit and run or be awkward, no, he did aftercare. Which was funny, because Ben should be the one doing it for him. Not the other way around. “Told you I could get off just from looking at you.”

“Wow yeah you showed me.” Steve said sarcastically. “Can I clean you up?”

Ben shook his head. “No, no you stay here. I’m going to shower. You rest, yeah?”

Steve just smiled fondly as Ben got up, dick still out casually. He could tell Steve liked him, too. The guys pupils practically changed into little hearts whenever their eyes met.

“Can I sleep in here with you?” He asked, and Ben was quickly back at his side, gripping his jaw.

“If you so much as ever sleep on that couch again I’m throwing it out the window.” And Steve laughed again at that. “We share this now, yeah? Our bed while you’re here.” He kissed his lips in a peck, then his nose. “Sleep. I’ll be right back.”

_____________

Ben woke up in that world again. The wrong one.

His heart thumped in his chest as he looked around. Vines were at his feet, wrapping around his ankles already. “Shit.” He hissed, kicking them off and standing quickly.

He fumbled along the path, confused and disoriented as he rubbed his head. He felt a migraine coming on. None of this ever made sense. It didn’t even feel like a dream half the time.

“Hey!” A voice called - his voice.

Ben turned, and the shadow he’d always seen before loomed in the distance.

It was walking quicker. Quicker and quicker. Coming for him.

He knew he should run but he stayed planted where he was. He wanted to know what he would even be running from. He wanted to see it, to finally see it.

When the shadow stopped in front of him, Ben felt sick.

It…was him. It was himself. Hair longer, a mess of unruly curls. Stronger. Meaner. He looked insane. Wild and all wrong. All wrong, wrong, wrong.

“What is this?” He asked, stepping forward and holding out his hand. The shadow man did the same, raising his own.

“What do you think it is?”

“Are you…me?”

He looked annoyed, gave his hand a small slap away and Ben tripped over a vine, nearly falling. “Try again.”

If it wasn’t him or some mirrored version of him, there was only one other person it could be. “Billy?”

The smile on his face was twisted. Wrong. Made Ben's stomach churn. “Not so stupid after all.”

“I’m…I’m confused. I’ve never dreamt of you before.”

In a flash, Billy was on him, hands around his throat. “Not a fucking dream, dipshit. Guess you’re really as dumb as I thought. Almost had me fooled.” He pushes him away again, licking his lips.

Ben gasped for air once released. His neck felt bruised. His touch felt like a burn on his skin.

This wasn't the brother he had been picturing. The heroic, kind person who saved everyone. “What do you want?”

“I want you.”

______________________

Steve woke up with a gasp, sweating, sheets crumpled around him.

He couldn’t remember what he had been dreaming but he knew it wasn’t good. He almost forgot where he was until he saw Ben on his side, turned and looking at him. “Sorry. Did I wake you up? Think I had a nightmare.” He laid back down, running his hands through his damp hair.  He seriously couldn't remember any of it, but damn was he scared. He still felt on edge from it.

The silence that followed had Steve confused. “Ben?”

Ben climbed on-top of him, arms caging him in. Steve was about to smile, to make a joke, but Ben…didn’t look right. He wasn’t warm and smiling. His eyes didn’t have that light they usually did. He looked…he looked like Billy.

“Ben? You okay?”

Ben leaned down, sniffing along Steve’s jaw, giving him goosebumps. “Missed me so much you had to fuck my brother, Harrington?”

Steve froze.

Harrington.

Ben never called him by his last name. Never would. Wasn’t even sure if Ben remembered what it was.

Steve quickly went to move, to get up, but he was pushed back into place. “Did you pretend it was me when you had your cock in his mouth?” He laughed. “Always knew there was something a little off about you. Could smell it.” He leaned down again to get a whiff and Steve turned his head quick, holding his breath.

“This can’t be happening. You’re dead.”

“Whose dead?” He asked, that sick smile on his face, that tongue poking out like a wolf about to consume it’s prey.

“Y-You are.”

“Who is? Hm? Say my name, Harrington. Tell me.”

Steve finally allowed himself to look at his eyes again. There was no denying who was inside Ben’s body right now.

“Billy.”

Chapter Text

Steve remembers what it was like after Billy died.

There was this small lull of victory after the realization that they had made it out, that they defeated all that bullshit.

But Hopper was gone

And Billy was dead.

So many people were dead. So many people, so many families ruined, people left without hope. A mall fire, they said. What utter bullshit. It didn’t even make sense for half the people they claimed perished in this supposed fire.

But still, they made it.

And they were okay, for a while.

Until they weren’t.

Max withdrew first. Steve had seen it coming a mile away. It was the same signs as Nancy. The exact same. Grief was different for everyone but it had to be seen eventually. It was hard to hide. And Max let hers swallow her whole.

It wasn’t just losing her brother, it was the whole aftermath of the event. Neil apparently didn’t handle it well. He was drinking a lot, angry at the world, and Steve’s pretty sure he took it out on them. Probably Susan the most.

And when Neil left, Max had to move in to the trailer park.

You would think losing a brother would stop her from harassment, but it was just fodder for dickwads more. Dustin told him how they would snicker and call her trailer trash. How they joked that her brother wasn’t around to protect her anymore.

Steve heard all about how Max was almost expelled for punching one of them right in the face and breaking his nose.

Because Max maybe learned a thing or two from her brother before he died. The small self defense he had taught her, just in case, with Neil. 

The boys parents were livid, but the school made an exception due to what had been going on with Max. The school counselor stepped in. Cleared the air. Fixed it with just a few days suspension.

Hopper came back.

They closed the gates.

They lost Eddie.

Max got better, but she still visited Billy's grave every now and then. Steve had driven her a couple times.

He was pretty sure she might have been the only one who still visited.

Other than Steve.

Billy left holes all around in the people he left behind.

He just didn’t know he left holes in Steve, too.

Billy’s eyes loomed down at Steve, pressed into the mattress. He was still so ungodly strong, even if he wasn’t in his body. His tongue kept darting out and licking his lip, like he was raring to go, to do something. That familiar adrenaline that seemed to live behind his skin. Steve used to see it during a game, or when he wanted to fight, but right now he didn't know what he wanted.

“Get the fuck off me.” Steve said, thrusting him back and actually making him lose his balance.

Billy just laughed.

“Why? You want to fuck my brother, but not me? That right?”

And god his voice. How was it his voice?

“How is this happening?” Steve asked, ignoring the comments he kept making. It was like Billy posessed this body and the only thing he had in mind was tormenting Steve and making snide comments about his sex life.

“Why are you so pissed?” Billy asked, trying to loom back over but Steve sat up quick, swiveling his legs over the side of the bed. “You like that loser this much? What, do you love him or something? He your knight in shining armor? Huh? And you don’t think it’s weird that he looks just like me? I thought you were settling for that clown because you couldn’t get the real thing but here I fucking am.” He sneers, and Steve halts. That was…a lot of information. A lot. Was he implying...no, no that'd be, no Steve was confused.

He replayed his words. Of course he didn’t love Ben. He barely knew Ben, but he enjoyed his presence. He was warm and kind. His eyes sparkled just so. He was someone Steve wanted to be around, gravitated toward naturally.

The opposite of Billy.

But Billy almost sounded jealous.

“Where is he?” He looks over his shoulder as Billy nears. “If you’re here, where is he?”

“I don’t know.” He responds in almost an aggravated voice of a petulant child. “He’s just gone, okay? Shouldn’t you be asking me how I am? Shouldn’t you be telling me how sorry you are and some bullshit? You don’t even care I’m here.” His teeth were snapping, like he was livid, unhinged. “Do you know how fucking dark and cold and lonely it’s-”

He stopped talking, glaring, sitting back. His jaw was tense, though. Moving like he had more to say but was pushing it down.

Steve and Billy were never close. The exact opposite of close.

But still, he had died. The guy had died. And now he was….here.

“I am sorry, Billy. I’m sorry we couldn’t save you or help you or warn you about any of it. Trust me you have no idea-”

“Bullshit. You wanted me gone from the start.” He laid back in the bed, like he was angry and was also taking this time to enjoy the comfort of a bed, his hands on the sheets. “You got exactly what you wanted, didn’t you, pretty boy? Got to keep your title and your life and your friends.” He sneered.

“I didn’t want you dead.”

“You pretend to be Max’s big brother now, huh? What next, you driving my car around?” He snaps, but then suddenly it’s like a cloud passes over and his features soften. He looks to Steve, worriedly, anxious. “Max.” He says, like he just fully remembered her. “How is she? Is she okay? Is she-” He’s sitting up and Steve cuts him short.

“She’s fine. She’s good. She’s safe. You…you kept her safe, Billy. Saved her, saved all of us, okay?” Steve knows how soft his voice has gotten. He still doesn’t know what’s happening, and as bizarre as this is, he’s still preoccupied with Ben. Where the hell was Ben?

“Good.” Billy says, exhaling. “But…you’re sure? Sure she’s alright? My dad, man. You have to get her away from my dad. It won’t be safe. He’ll snap, take it on her, promise me.”

“Your dads gone, Billy.” Steve says quietly. “It’s…Jesus, it’s been a while. Can you not tell? Don’t I look…different? Older?”

Billy’s face pinches. He looks at Steve, up and down. Steve gets goosebumps, feels his skin prickle. Being seen by Billy was always something that felt sinful. He looked like he wanted to devour. His eyes always felt like they were undressing. “Older.” He comments back like he notices now. “But, the same. You’re the same.” He huffs out and nods to himself.

Steve sits on the edge of the bed, heaving a sigh. “Yeah. It’s…you’ve been dead for a while now, Billy.”

“Dead.”

It was like he retreated back to basic one words or one sentences. He started out so firey and now he was declining.

“This isn’t your body.” Steve says, trying to make him understand. “I think you’re like…maybe a ghost? And this is a possession?”

Billy snorts at that, giving him a look. “Stupid.”

And, wow okay, rude. Steve rolls his eyes. “Yeah? Then why don’t you explain it to me, jackass? Where is Ben, huh? You need to bring him back. This isn’t right. You can’t hold someones body hostage.”

Billy scowls, but it doesn’t scare Steve, not anymore. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s wearing Ben’s face or what, but it just doesn’t have the same hostility it used to. Billy opens his mouth, ready with a comeback most likely, but his eyes seem to roll a little - he looks like he’s going to collapse.

“Oh, shit. Billy? Billy! Hey!” Steve pounces next to him, slapping his face a little, but Billy collapses back against the pillow and the body is…empty. It’s like it’s shut down. “Billy! Shit, fuck. Or, Ben? Ben, hey, come back. Just…someone wake up, please.” He’s waiting, then moves his hand to their neck to try to feel a pulse. There definitely is one. Strong and steady.

Then the eyes open slowly.

“Shit. Sorry.” The voice says, and a sleepy smile plays on their lips.

Steve already knows without needing to ask who it is.

“Ben.” He exhales, relaxes.

“Did I wake you up? Was I talking in my sleep or something?” He asks, as though that’s all that happened. He reaches for Steve like he wants to pull him closer, wants to snuggle, and Steve doesn’t know how to handle this because the absolute last thing he wants to do is be held by…his body.

An ache hits inside him, because earlier tonight he felt so safe and warm. He would’ve loved to fall asleep in Ben’s arms. He would’ve woken up with the sun and the noise from the boardwalk and he would’ve been happy.

But now all he wants to do is run. Wants to be on the first plane back home.

He doesn’t answer Ben because he doesn’t know how. He’s not about to tell him he was just gone, was just left talking to the ghost of his brother. And sure, a lot of fucking weird stuff had happened in Steve’s life, but Ben didn’t know about any of that stuff and he wasn’t about to unload years of trauma onto this guy.

No. He needed to leave. Needed to go home.

He let Ben pull him a little closer, let himself be held as he felt him snuggle into his back like he was something precious.

Tomorrow. He’d go to the airport tomorrow. First plane out. He’d leave.

It was a nice vacation while it lasted.

____

“I don’t understand.” Ben’s frowning. He did something wrong. He must have. Because he woke up to Steve already out of his bed, already showered, already changed and…now he was packing. “Did you get called home or something? Why do you have to leave so soon?”

It had to be because of last night. It was too much, too fast. He probably freaked him out. It was his first time doing things with a guy and Steve was panicking and that was fine, that was okay! They could talk about things, they could go slower. Ben would give him whatever he needed. He could be patient. He could just hold his hand for the rest of his stay if he wanted.

“I just have to go. It’s a thing. A work thing.” Steve fumbles through his words and he won’t so much as look at Ben. Hasn’t looked at him all day.

Ben worries he said something crazy in his sleep. He remembers having a weird dream just not really what it was about. All he knows is he woke up and Steve looked absolutely terrified. When they went back to sleep, he could feel that the guy was stiff and tense. It wasn't like how it was right before they fell asleep. Everything seemed fine but then Ben woke up in the middle of the night and he clearly did something or Steve was freaked about earlier but regardless, this was a Ben thing and he knew it. Knew it was his fault.

“Hey.” He moves forward, which maybe was bold but he felt like he needed to snap him out of this. He touches his arm, stops him from throwing more into his suitcase. “If this is about last night, we can talk about it. You don’t have to run off. Hell, if it’s too much too soon you can stay back at the motel if it makes you happy. Or take the couch again.”

“Thought you said you’d throw the couch out the window if I ever slept anywhere other than your bed.” Steve says, and there’s the smallest tone, the smallest hint of humor and Ben grasps at it, tugs it close.

“Guess you make me kind of desperate.” He chuckles. “Really don’t want you getting away so soon. Thought we had more time.” He looks down, feeling vulnerable. “Wanted more time.”

He can see the moment Steve deflates, see’s the way he’s about to cave and stay. He knows it. Knows so many of his little quirks already.

“How about this? I’ll go grab us some breakfast, yeah? We can talk over coffee and bagels. Maybe go for a walk, get some air. No rash decisions just yet.” He grabs his keys, twirling them around his fingers. “I’ll be right back. You’ll stay? Gimmie ten minutes.”

It’s like a gift from above when Steve finally offers him a small smile. “Yeah, I’ll be here. Go.”

“Yeah, California is bitchin’. Super cool. Really.” Steve says into the phone while Ben popped out. “But, uh, okay, I have to speed things up here because a lot happened and I need to just kind of blurt it out so you’re really listening? You’re focused?”

“Yes, I’m listening.” Robin said, her voice laced with sarcasm. “Been waiting for this call for a while but by all means, rush it, why not?” He hears her chewing and thinks it's probably a twizzler. She always snacked on twizzlers or random candy on her lunch break. She hadn't really changed much. Still just how she was when he first met her. 

“Right. Okay. So I met this guy and I think I’m gay or bi or some secret third thing so if you could confirm that for me it’d be cool thanks but yeah I met this guy and he looks exactly like Hargrove well because okay yeah he’s his twin, Hargrove has a twin, like literally not uh the word for non literally and anyway so I’ve been staying with him but last night he was Billy and I mean that literally too, everything is literally, like last night he was just Billy but now he’s not.”

The line is silent for a long stretch. Steve can hear her breathing on the other end of the phone. Can practically hear her brain buzzing too. “Robs?”

“Did you just come out to me and also at the same time tell me you’re like, hallucinating?”

“Not hallucinating, keep up here. Billy Hargrove, dead guy, has a twin brother. His name is Ben. He works on the pier. He’s nice. Really nice. Buys me cotton candy and teaches me to surf. Like him, like, really like him. Hence the gay question. We made out a lot. We, uh, did other stuff too. Fell asleep. Woke up. He was Billy.”

“I don’t understand. What do you mean he was Billy?” She said, skirting over the him with another guy bit like that was a give in or something. Did she already know? Was this new piece of information only startling and new to Steve? Like, yes, okay Billy having a twin was big news but him making out with a guy also felt pretty big. To him at least.

“He was Billy. I could see it in his damn eyes. He called me Harrington and pretty boy and started, ugh, it was just Billy, okay? He asked about Max. He asked about his dad. Shit Ben wouldn’t know.”

“Then, what? He just said okay bye and was Ben again?”

“He, uh, like passed out and when he came to he was Ben, yeah.”

“Okay, wow, this is a lot. This...is not what I thought you were going to tell me about your vacation. I thought you'd say you got sunburnt and attacked by a seagull. But nope. You are making out with a dead guys twin brother. Oh, and also, I can't tell you if you're gay or not, Steve. C'mon. I don't have the ability to do that because I'm a lesbian. If I had to guess, I'd say bi, but like, that is a you job, okay?" She sighs. "Anyway, how did Ben take all this? The whole becoming Billy thing?”

“…I didn’t tell him.” he can hear her about to protest. “How was I suppose to tell him?! He isn’t like us, Robs. He isn’t used to weird shit and he didn’t even know his brother. Hell, he thinks Billy was this absolute saint. And I was really freaked out and was going to come home because, what the fuck, right?”

“Okay, okay. Take a breath. I’d be freaked too. I mean, I am freaked, and it didn’t even happen to me.” Steve exhales, knowing if anyone would make him feel less alone it would be Robin. “Did it feel…upside downey?”

“We closed all the gates. Vecna is dead. It can’t be anything like that, not again. We…we’re past that.”

“Okay. Okay, so, what then?” Robin says, like she’s trying to brainstorm with him.

“Could it be like, a ghost thing? Possession? I floated it by Billy but he called me stupid which doesn’t really confirm or deny.”

“Sounds like you guys had quite the talk.”

Steve snorts.

“But, uh, I don’t know. Maybe? They say twins have like, abilities. Maybe Ben was some type of conduit….” She trails off. “He really looks like Billy, huh? And you’re like, into him?”

Steve leans against the wall. “Yeah. And yeah, I am. He looks like Billy but he’s like if Billy wasn’t a dick. Like if he lived a different life. If he found peace or something. And, shit, I guess if he was gay.”

“Uh, pretty sure Billy was gay as all hell, Steve.”

“What? No he wasn’t, are you kidding? He laid like, half the female student population of Hawkins.”

“Steve, you were the one who told me about the whole shower thing with him. That literally sounded like a opening scene from a gay porno.”

“He was bullying me, Robs.”

“Yeah, with his dick.”

The door opens and Ben stumbles in, smiling. “I got us hashbrowns too. See? You can’t leave. Hashbrowns, Steve. I can get them every morning.”

“Oh shit he even sounds like Billy.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“But we didn’t discuss what to do!-” and Steve hangs the phone up, smiling at Ben.

“Sorry. Hope you didn’t mind. Called my friend back home.”

“You homesick?” Ben asks as he sits at the small table in the kitchen, putting the coffees and bags down. Steve wishes it were that simple. He knew he acted freaked this morning and Ben was probably confused, so maybe he could chalk it up to homesickness. 

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’m homesick. Never really left the place.”

“Really? There’s so much world to see. You should. See it, I mean.”

“Yeah? You gunna show it to me?” He asks, and he can’t help it. His personality revolved around flirting. He didn’t know how to not flirt.

Ben smiles all stupid and big, like he thinks everything is okay again and sure, for now it is.

But how the hell was Steve suppose to fall asleep tonight laying next to him after what happened?

Maybe it would be a one time thing.

Maybe it was Billy’s unresolved ghost business and now he’d be able to move on.

or maybe he'd have to deal with Billy's afterlife bullshit again tonight.

Chapter Text

“So you really gotta go back, huh?” Ben asks, even though it’s not really so much a question as it is a confirmation He’s cradling Steve’s face in his hands. He had just placed gentle kisses on his cheek, one on each side, and now they were cuddled up together without a care in the world.

Except for Steve’s departure in two days.

“I’m going to come back. I don’t know when but…for sure I’ll be back.” Steve tells him with a small smile. “I’m a surfer now, right? I need to keep at it or I’ll forget all that progress.” He knew he kept kind of deflecting recently with humour, but it was easier than saying he’d miss him. They hadn’t really talked about it, but Steve didn’t think this was ‘offical’ or anything beyond fooling around. He didn’t need to ask ‘what are we’ and ‘can we keep in touch’ because he knew what this was.

A summer fling.

Which he was fine with.

Because, look, it wasn’t like he coud…date Ben Hargrove.

How would that ever work? Tell all his friends he’s dating Billy’s twin? Have him around? In what world would that ever not be weird? He could practically feel the migraine he’d get just from telling Dustin alone. Not to mention how hard that would be on Max.

He’d tell the gang about Ben, he made his mind up about that, but he wasn’t going to tell them more than he needed to. He wasn’t going to tell them how they were intimate. How he slept in his bed. Became basically his boyfriend for the short time he was down here.

Exept for Robin. Robin would know, but she knew everything. They didn’t have secrets. Last month he was starting to think maybe they should keep some things to themselves after Robin complained about how constipated she was - but he just shrugged it off and bought her prune juice which she promptly hated and refused to drink.

She did, however, drink the juice from peach cups he bought her so everything worked out anyway.

Needless to say, Ben would be his best kept secret. The one he’d cherish and hold close.

He had been extremely paitent with Steve, too. He really meant it when he said he wanted his first time to be good, despite Steve begging for it after nights of ‘heavy petting’. Ben would rut their cocks together, his hands wrapped around them both desperately and make them cum in unison, and when it would hit Steve’s stomach, he’d swirl their combined release together and then lap it off him using his tongue. It made Steve see stars and twitch and whine with need.

He was more hardcore than anyone else he’d been with.

He didn’t know how he’d go back to vanilla sex after this.

He worried he wouldn’t be able to get off without Ben’s tongue in his ass and, oh, okay yeah that was another thing they’d done.

They’d done a lot now.

Steve was no longer inexperienced and shy, Ben had made sure of that.

Ben whispering to him if he could take another finger, Ben choking him when he was close, Ben splaying him open on every surface of his apartment.

Steve’s dick was actually starting to feel raw from coming so much and being so played with. He kind of always wanted to be desired this badly. He wanted someone to want him so much it made them a little crazy. He wanted affection and to feel spoiled and that’s everything he was getting now.

But it was about to end.

And he’d go back to being Steve Harrington. Back to his boring life. Back to feeling unfulfilled day in and day out. Back to feeling ignored and unappreciated and like he was just there. Like some backround actor. Not important enough.

Ben never made him feel that way.

He heaved a sigh beside him as he rolled onto his back. He looked gorgeous like this, post orgasm, curls kind of messy and skin shiny with sweat. “Maybe I’ll come visit you, huh? You can show me…whatever it is you guys have down there. Cows or some shit.”

Steve playfully pushed him as he stifled a laugh. Ben had that familiar smirk on, the one Billy also used to have. It was this devil may care attitude that Steve could never get enough of. The one that said he was egging him on, wanting to rile him up.

Billy hadn’t revisted.

Whatever that meant.

Steve was still on guard about it. When they first started getting intimate he kind of had a hard time letting go. It was like he thought a flip would switch and Billy would be there instead of Ben, mocking him or something, making fun of his cock even though Steve’s cock was nothing to laugh about. Ben himself marveld at it every chance he got.

But nothing ever happened again.

Except….

There were little things that Ben just seemed to know but it made no sense for him to know. Like how they would go out and play basketball or go for a run and instead of coming home to shower first, Ben would ask him if he wanted to eat. Which Steve didn’t think into that much. But after gym Steve would always snack on something first in the lockeroom or after a game and then head off to the showers. Billy caught on to it once, made a comment.

But no big deal, right?

Except the one night where Ben made them rice bowls and mixed his entire thing together but gave Steve’s his with the items all seperated, not touching, the way Steve liked.

Which was something Ben wouldn’t know.

Or the way Ben knew the exact stretches Steve would do before hitting the beach.

Or how Steve asked him to grab him something from the corner store and Ben came back with a blue gatorade and a jerky stick.

Which is the exact thing he used to snack on in High School.

“Why these two items?” He had asked Ben, giving him a strange look, but Ben just shrugged.

“Oh, I dunno, something just told me you’d like them?”

So maybe Steve was overthinking it and maybe it was all just coincedences.

Or maybe Billy was still in there somewhere. Waiting to come back out.

But how would Billy even though all those little things? It wasn’t like they were friends. The only way he’d have knonw is if he was like, paying extra attention during lunch or gym or just in general.

Steve tried not to think about that right now.

He couldn’t help it though how sometimes Billy would just worm his way into his thoughts when he was trying to just enjoy Ben. He couldn’t help that sometimes, when Ben was touching him, he’d imagine Billy was there. He’d imagine both of them together, touching him, teasing him. One soft, one cruel. The way Ben’s gentle hands would skirt down Steve’s stomach in stark contrast to the way Billy’s would grab his ass.

He’d cum quicker when he thought like that during sex.

When he wasn’t able to control his perverse thoughts.

When he wanted to be filled up by both brothers.

But after he’d come back down it would hit him with crashing clairty. When he’d remember one of those brothers was dead. Killed before Steve’s own eyes. The sour feeling that would instantly fill his stomach at the realization he’d thought about Billy like that, when he nearly was part of the reason why he died…

“Hey, where are you?” Ben’s sweet voice asked. “Come here.” He tugged on his arms, helping to pull him onto his chest. Steve never laid with a man like this. The sex was one thing but the tenderness wasn’t something he was used to, with anyone. He hadn’t had a serious relationship since Nancy and he hadn’t realized how touch starved he really was.

Sure he’d dated. He dated a lot, actually. Had loads of sex, too. But this whole time spent with Ben had been…everything he ever really wanted.

“I wish I could change my flight.” Steve said, rubbing at his eyes tiredly. “Would rather leave at night, you know? Give us an extra day together.” He felt himself blush and hated how his face betrayed him so frequently. “Sorry. I know that’s probably kind of desperate sounding. I swear, I’m not normally this pathetic.” Yes he was. “But I mean one last night on the boardwalk would be-”

“You’re not pathetic.” Ben said, and he felt a kiss at the top of his head. “You don’t have to beat around the bush. You can just say you wish you had more time with me…I sure as hell know I wish I had more with you.”

Steve softened. Ben had a way with always reasurring him. He never made him feel like too much or too needy or too clingy. When he liked someone, he knew he could come on strong, could be a lot. But Ben’s face just lit up whenever Steve did something like that. If Ben walked out of the room and Steve followed. If Ben sat on the couch and Steve got up from where he was sitting to be next to him. Ben actually laughed when Steve took the blanket he was using and put it around both of them. They’d even taken to sharing drinks and he didn’t mind.

Ben’s hands ran through Steve’s hair idly. “Going to miss you.”

“Going to miss you too, Benny. A lot.”

______

Ben was there. In that place. Again.

He was almost used to it now. The damp earth, the smell of sulfur and moss, the way one second he’d be hot then the next freezing cold.

He wasn’t outside this time, though. He was in a house. A house he didn’t know, but it looked like it’d been through… a lot. Everything seemed to have mildew on it and ash. It was like a place that time forgot. Almost like someone’s gross hazy memory.

And there was the shadowed figure that he came to know as his brother. Always black and fuzzy until he got closer and it made a shape. A duplicate version of him in every way, except the unsettling atmosphere that seemed to hang around him.

Seated on a couch, legs apart, a lump of a person.

“You again.” Ben said as he approached, apprehensive but no longer shy. “You’re him, aren’t you? My brother. William.”

“Billy.” He answered, not looking at him, staring ahead at a television that wasn’t on.

“Yeah, Billy.” He wished it was easier to talk to him, but Billy never seemed interested in him in the dreams. It was like Billy didn’t care if Ben was there or not.

He knew none of this was real, that he was asleep, imaging it - but he still wished they could sit and talk and know each other. He had so many things he wanted to ask him. Questions about their parents, his life, his death. “I’ve heard a lot about you. I think we-”

“I saw he’s leaving.” Billy cuts him off, not caring what Ben was about to say. “Steve.” As if it could be anyone else.

Ben hovers. He wants to sit next to him but the couch is…well, it looks disgusting. Everything here looked disgusting. He didn’t want anything to touch him but it felt like even the air around them was filled with disease or infection.

“Yeah, he’s going home.” Which was such a simple way of putting it. Easier than elaborting.

Ben had let Steve in so easily, which was something he’d never been able to do before. He knew now that there was going to be a before and an after. Before Steve, After Steve. Things would change. Steve was like a magical nanny that blew in on the winds, only to leave like a lesson that had to be learned. Something he could never truly have.

No one deserved someone like Steve.

Himself included.

He was… he was too perfect to be real. To stay. To be held down.

Ben almost had wanted to ask him to stay, though. He knew it was crazy and he knew Steve wouldn’t indulge him but he had still wanted to put it out there. Hell, he’d even do long distance. He didn’t care. He liked him that much. And he only found himself liking him more and more as they grew closer.

He loved peppering his face with kisses, hearing him laugh. He loved showing him things here, like seashells and random fried foods.

He loved how sweetly he could work him, make him undone. How responsive he was. How needy he seemed to be for everything - attention, sex, conversation. It was like he was starved for it all.

Billy finally looked up at him and Ben still wasn’t used to how cold his eyes were. Icy blue like his own, but there was no warmth in them. He wondered if when he was alive if there were. He wonders why he conjured up him to be so cold and cruel in these dreams.

Or maybe they were nightmares.

“You couldn’t make him stay?” He says, and his voice is low and scathing. “You couldn’t be enough for him to make it so he wouldn’t want to leave?” He rose swiftly and Ben took a step back. Something about Billy was always off. He felt threatening. Angry. “You aren’t good enough. You can’t be what he needs.”

“Hey, slow down.” Ben didn’t step back this time. He didn’t want to give his brother the advantage. He wasn’t going to be made to feel small by some phantom subconscious of his that his mind conjured up to spite him. “Steve was more than satisfied with his time here, I made sure of that.”

“Bullshit.” His other half says. “Then why would he leave? Hm? If you’re so wonderful why is he leaving!?” His voice raises now and Ben can’t help but feel lost. What was this? Why was he dreaming up his brother being like this?

“Because he has to go. This isn’t his home. He has to go home.”

“I could’ve been his home!” Billy snaps again, pointing to his chest, a necklace dangling there. “I would have made him so goddamn satisfied he wouldn’t be fucking fleeing!”

“He’s not fleeing, he just has to go.” Ben felt like he was talking to a child having a temper tantrum. He was trying to be reasonable. To be calm.

“Away from you.”

“It was just a vacation. He wasn’t ever going to stay. He has a life to get back to. Family, friends, work.” Even as Ben says it he knows he’s saying it more to himself than to Billy. He was upset Steve was leaving but he understood. He wasn’t irrational.

“If you can’t make him stay…we’ll go to him.” Billy says simply, like it’s just a fact.

“Go to him? He didn’t exactly give me an invite. I brought up visiting him down there and he didn’t even achknowledge it. This was just a summer romance, the guy just needed a break, and I’m happy to have provided that to-”

“He isn’t getting away that easily. Not again. And if I have to use you to get to him?” He grinned, showing all his teeth. “Then so be it, Benny boy.”

Chapter Text

“What do you want me to say, Rob? He looked like Billy. Okay? Like a walking romance novel cover come to life.” Steve is taking all his stuff out of his suitcase, tossing it on the bed, trying to get organized as his best friend sits on the mattress with her long legs criss cross applesauce and her chin in her palms. She’s in jean shorts and a band tee for something he’s too mainstream to know - her words - and as happy as he is to see her, he’s not happy to relive everything that just happened.

He wasn’t really happy to be home, either.

It was all too fresh, still. Going from sharing cotton candy on a boardwalk with a guy as good looking as Ben to suddenly being back in Hawkins in his boring, lifeless bedroom was hitting him hard and fast.

“Okay but like…can we maybe unpack the whole wanting to have sex with Billy thing instead of unpacking your thousands of swim trunks, apparently?” She asks, picking up one of his articles of clothing and eyeing it skeptically. Which was fair. He had bought it while he was down there and it was way shorter than anything he wore around his pool but Ben had talked him into it. Something about showing off his tan and how great his looks and ass would look and

Steve stops his manic organizing and gives her a look, almost an eye roll as he replays what she had just said. “I didn’t want to have sex with Billy Hargrove.” He just about snorts. Because what a insane concept. He, if anything, kind of hated the guy before the whole...dying thing. 

But Robin just stares at him.

And it’s that face she gets.

And they’re both giving each other a look.

Because that’s how they can communicate.

Hers is saying ‘Oh come on, Steve.’

His is saying ‘I definitely did not.’

And after a tense second of neither of them folding, Robin just throws her hands up dramatically. “Okay so you just happen to bang into his twin brother and then your penis just happens-”

“Robs!” He squeaks, throwing a shirt at her. Because, yeah, okay, he was bi, whatever. But he still wasn’t really sure he wanted to flesh out the gory details to her just yet.

Especially when she was making it sound so...lackluster. Boiling it down to 'sex' when it wasn't so cheap and quick and easy as that.

It wasn’t that he was embarrassed or ashamed it was just…like he wanted to keep it for himself, keep it close to his chest, something just for him. A memory he wanted to take out, dust off, admire. The way Ben smiled at him. Laying tangled up with him in the mornings. How he always smelt of sea salt and caramel.

He’d only landed about three hours ago and he was already missing him like crazy. How was that possible? It was so pathetic. And yeah, Steve knew he got like this when he liked someone, but he thought his head and his heart talked it over and agreed this was just for fun.

Now it was like both parts of him were mourning the loss.

“Look, I understand that Ben is not Billy. I do. But if there was an immediate attraction…I mean…” Robin shrugged. “And plus, Billy was gorgeous. Steve. I’m a lesbien. But even I would sometimes catch myself looking at him like trying to figure out his deal and if he was a siren or some shit. He was like, extremely captivating.”

Steve sits on the bed now too with a heavy sigh of defeat. “Yes, okay, Billy was beautiful. Everyone could see that.” He looks to his dresser, the picture of Steve and his buds from graduation. “But this wasn’t about Billy. I swear it wasn’t. Ben was just…there. And he treated me like, I don’t know, like I was something special. Like something worth treating well.” He knows how it sounds but it's Robin. He didn't care. "Like I was...a prize or something. Something someone would want."

Robins hand gently lays on Steve’s arm before he even realizes it. “You are something special, Steve. And you do deserve to be treated well. I’m glad Ben has eyes and could see that. You’re amazing. Seriously. Not just saying that because you’re my friend. You have a heart of gold and this town is just stupid.”

Steve gives her a weak little smile. He's gotten this talk before. From her, too. From Dustin. From Nancy. From everyone. He didn't really need to hear it again. He didn't need a pity party. He just wanted her to understand. “He like, spoiled me?” He says with a quiet laugh. “Usually I’m the one doing everything like the little surprises and treats and flowers but it was like, he beat me to it. And he was so gentle, you know? Like he didn’t want to be too much, which you know I can relate to.”

“So he felt like a counterpart.” Robin says softly, rubbing his arm a little now to comfort.

Steve sniffles, offers a nod. “Yeah.” He says with a small laugh. “Crazy, right? I can’t believe I’m actually tearing up over this. God.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You’ve gone a long time without feeling admired or appreciated and it sounds like this trip was a lot.” She bites her lip as she looks away and Steve can feel the slight tension that’s seeped in. He knows what she wants to talk about.

“It didn’t happen again.” He answers without her even needing to ask the question.

“So…could you have imagined it?”

“Robs-”

“No, seriously. Could you have dreamed it? It had to have been a little weird at times, maybe your brain was just, like, playing tricks on you or stress could sometimes-”

“I wasn’t stressed there. I was the most relaxed I’ve been in years.” He lays back on the bed, amongst the piles of clothes he still needs to put away and sort through. He did laundry there, at Ben's, before he left. Now his clothes would smell like him. Same detergent. 

Maybe he even left some of his stuff on the balcony, so it would smell like the sea air when he brought it home.

And if he left one of his favorite maroon sweaters behind? Just so Ben would have it?

So what?

“I wish he didn’t live so fucking far.” Steve scrubbed his face as Robin laid back with him.

“Yeah, well. Who knows. Maybe you’ll see him again.”

And Steve just let it go, because he didn’t have the heart to say he knew he wouldn’t.

Because good things didn’t stay with Steve.

_______

Two weeks had passed since he’d been home and he fell into regular routine like he never left. The sound of seagulls, the ocean, the pier - all of it faded overnight like it never even happened.

Steve was starting to wonder if it did happen or if he dreamed it all.

Maybe he did hallucinate Billy.

Maybe Ben wasn’t real, either.

He didn’t even get a picture of him.

They passed so many of those little booths that can take your picture and they never stopped.

Why didn't they stop?

He was starting to worry he'd forget Ben entirely.

His twinkling eyes, soft smile. He missed him. He missed him, but he was also trying to just move on, to forget.

There was no use in clinging to memories of how good it had been. He did that with Nance. Hell, he even did it with Robin and convinced himself she liked him when they first started getting close, not even picking up on the fact that he could just be friends with a girl before.

He always clung onto memories. It wasn't good. He knew that. To live so much in the past.

Yet he couldn't stop.

Time passed. He went back to frozen dinners.

Hang out nights with Robin, drinking wine and watching trash reality competitions.

Calling Dustin while he was away at school and hearing about his new little science experiments.

Working.

Working, working, working.

Brain feeling like hot melted cheese after a long day. Eyes blinking, dry and tired.

So when he got home from work one night as he always did and started walking up to his place he didn’t even see him sitting on his front steps.

He almost walked right into him. Almost toppled them both down together.

“Holy shit…Ben?”

__________

Life on the pier had lost it’s shine again when Steve left.

The lights, the sounds, the smells. It was all back to dull. Back to the norm. Back to uninteresting.

The same thing Ben dealt with a thousand times.

The novelty wore off fast.

Without being able to see it through Steve’s eyes, he just saw it through his own, and his own had seen it one too many times.

It didn’t help when he’d see couples holding hands walking past, or couples winning each other stuffed animals. The sounds of laughter pierced through the air and into his apartment nightly and it felt like it was all kind of taunting him. Other peoples happiness.

He knew Steve couldn’t stay. He knew it was all temporary. He accepted that risk when he invited him to crash here while he was in town.

So why the hell did this one hurt so damn much?

He’d had things with tourists before. Hell, he was kind of known for it. His buddies gave him shit for it all the time. An ongoing joke.

But Steve was…different.

The puppy dog eyes, the need to be close. It reminded him of that nursery rhyme, Mary had a little lamb. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

That was how it had been. Steve just devoted and following him around with that cute little smile. Happy to be included. Happy to be with him.

He was pretty sure he could walk into hell itself and Steve would trail behind all sweet and mesmorized if it meant they were going together.

Fuck.

Ben rubbed his brow bone.

It felt like since Steve had left he’d had a headache.

Barely noticeable at first, but it felt like every day when he woke up it was getting a little stronger.

Maybe it was from tension. A tension headache. 

He wasn’t exactly one to frequent the doctors. Hell, he’d sprained his hand once and it healed kind of messed up because he never went to get it checked and now he couldn't crack his knuckles well or it hurt. But something about an ongoing headache gave him pause. Because, well, isn’t that worrisome type shit? Especially if he wasn’t prone to headaches? He never got them.

He figured if it got worse he’d go get it checked. He’d tell the doctor about the nightmares, too. How he never used to have those but now kept having these same, weird repeating ones.

Ones where his brother kind of just...trash talked him. Belittled him. Mocked him.

And he’d tell the doctor how he felt like he was missing time…which, yeah, that kind of scared him.

How he’d suddenly come to and all this time had gone by he couldn’t account for.

So. When he woke up again and the pain was bad, real bad, he figured it was time.

He got into his car and started heading to the emergency clinic, but the closer he got, the more his head started pounding. Sharp, white hot flashes. He felt like he was going to throw up from the pain. He couldn’t keep going, couldn’t be on the road like this, so he pulled over.

He cursed under his breath as his head hit the steering wheel.

He tried to breathe. Tried to tell himself it would pass. But it was like his skull was splitting open.

And he couldn’t get to the doctor. There was no way. He had to go back home. Or just…off the highway. He had to stop somewhere. Maybe call an ambulance.

Once he managed to get up to it, he turned the car around.

And…slowly his head kind of started to ache a little less. Just a little.

“What the fuck.” He groaned, turning around again to go back to the doctor because now he was starting to feel like he could.

But as soon as he got some more miles towards the place, his head started the flashing again.

“Fuck!” He thew the car in reverse. Thank god no one was around.

He thought he was losing it. Thought he was insane. Because once he started going back home, the pain was easing.

What the hell?

He turned into the pier when the ache started to come again.

He didn’t know what made him do it…maybe dumb curiosity, but, he backed up again and kept going in the other direction. Opposite from the doctor. Past the pier.

And…yeah, his head kind of eased.

Okay. Okay, yeah, weird shit but let’s just…keep going and see what happens.

And he did.

And it was like the direction he was going in, his head was getting better. But if he turned around or went a certain way, the pressure came back.

His headache only came on if he went certain ways.

It made no sense.

He knew it made no sense.

But he humored himself anyway. It wasn't like he had much of a choice. It was either keep driving on or try turning and have his brain feel like it was coming out his ears.

And it got to the point that he was going farther and farther, but what was he suppose to do?

So he kept driving.

_____

Time seemed to slow and speed in a blur. He would look at the dashboard and hours would be gone. He was missing time again. He wasn’t sure what states he was even in at some points. Everything just blurred. His stomach growled. But his head didn’t hurt much. The pain stopped.

Night and day.

Sun up and sun down.

He felt like he was on autopilot.

Like he didn’t control himself anymore.

Something else did.

He remembered that one nightmare. The one where Billy said he would make sure Steve wouldn't get away again...but that wasn't real.

When he saw the sign that said Welcome to Indiana he knew he was fucked.

When he kept going, seeing the sign for Hawkins, he knew he was fucked.

When he pulled into a random driveway, a driveway he just...knew was Steve's...he knew he was fucked.

And when he lost more time, but heard his voice "Holy shit...Ben?"

He knew he was fucked.

"Steve."

And then he blacked out.

Chapter Text

Billy hated fucking Indiana.

Before he even entered the place he knew he hated it. He hated the entire idea of it. This move, this stupid State, all of it.

And he hated his new family, too.

Because they were fucking stupid.

Hopeful and happy and delusional.

Like this new move would suddenly change things. Like it would fix things. They hadn’t been around long enough to know there was no ‘fixing’ his father. There was just temporary good days that never lasted. It was a ticking time bomb and now his whole life had been taken from him. His friends, the waves, all of it - gone.

It didn’t help that since they got there it was perpetually gray either.

Gray and stank of horse shit.

And people gawked at him like he was a goddamn unicorn.

Lugging in the moving boxes people would be walking by and actually stopped to look at him, like they had no manners or self-awareness.

And, okay, maybe it did feel the tiniest bit nice to know that even in this pig shit state he was still considered hot.

When he got to school he realized the full extent of how attractive he really was here.

In Cali, there were a ton of guys just like him. Sure he was a god there, too, but here it was like they’d never seen someone like him before. Like he was a rare breed. He kind of gloated in it a little. A small silver lining in the way he suddenly became top dog without even needing to try.

But it was still gray.

And his father was still his father.

And it still looked like it was about to rain any second.

Until he saw him.

‘King’ Steve.

Billy swears to a god that he doesn’t believe in that the sun came out that day.

________

“Holy shit.” Steve mumbles as he looks down at the crumpled body on his front steps. He kept blinking like the image wasn’t real and it would go away but nope, yeah, that was Ben. Here. In Hawkins. Somehow at his place which makes no sense because he’d never once given him the address. Was he in the phonebook? Is this how he finds out he's listed in the phonebook? 

He looked around, panicked, because not only was a guy passed out in front of your place not a great look but the fact that he also looked startlingly like a guy the whole town buried didn’t help either. In fact, he was pretty sure there was still a big photo of Billy Hargrove front and center in an in memoriam case at Hawkins High.

With a grunt he lifted him up under his arms and got him inside. He tried to be gentle with him but honestly he was kind of just lugging him around awkwardly like a corpse until he managed to get him down onto the couch, picking up his feet and everything to let him lay down.

“Fuck. Okay. Okay, um. Smelling salts, right? No, shit, I don’t have that. Unless that’s regular salt??” He ran off into his kitchen, trying to figure out what to do in this situation. He suddenly wishes he would’ve actually joined boy scouts like his father had wanted him to. Salts felt somehow incorrect so he grabbed a cup of water and a rag and rushed back into the living room.

“Ben? Hey, buddy, uh, wake up please.” He dabbed the water on his face but it didn’t seem to do anything.

Worse, his thoughts were starting to run wild. Last time Ben ‘kinda’ passed out, he had been Billy. Would he wake up and be him again? What was he going to be dealing with here?

“Jesus, just wake up, man.” He wanted to call an ambulance but at that point the whole town would know with the way gossip travels, and then everyone would know - Max would know - and Steve hadn’t even told her about her brother having a twin yet.

Okay, shit. Yeah. He needed to wake up now.

Steve threw the cup of water in his face.

Ben's eyes flew open as he jumped up on the couch like a corpse come back to life, choking and sputtering like the water would have somehow gotten into his mouth. He looked angry. And confused. “Billy?” Steve said, taking a step forward and dropping the cup on the nearby coffee table.

“What?” Ben’s voice answered as he wiped at his face, turning to Steve looking more confused now.

Ah, shit.

“Sorry, Jesus, sorry, I thought-”

“You thought I was my dead brother?” He’s sitting up now and he’s so very much not Billy that Steve’s stomach sinks. It's Ben. His Ben. Well, okay, maybe not his but, it was Ben! He kind of wants to rush forward and hug him because what the hell is he even doing here but everything is…kind of weird now.

“Ben, what are you doing here? Are you alright? Can I get you something to eat or drink or-”

“Why did you call me Billy?” He asks, cutting him off and Steve feels like he wishes Ben was unconscious again because he did not want to deal with this at all right now. He stood a little taller, like false confidence would help here.

“I don’t know, man. I’m just tired. It’s been a long day and it slipped. I’m sorry. It was fucked up. Just, seeing you here kind of rewired my brain and I got confused.”

There. He was sure Ben could accept that. Blatant huge lie award goes to Steve Harrington. No harm, no foul.

Ben is silent, just kind of…looking around quietly. Steve feels awkard. He feels like if he knew he was coming he would’ve made his home look more like, well, him. Not just a replica of how his parents left it. Everything is kind of devoid of soul but Steve didn’t really care because he spent most of his time in his room, anyway. “If I knew you were coming I would’ve cleaned up.” He tries to joke, to break this unbearable stiff feeling that’s between them.

It didn’t feel like how it did between them at the beach. The light, happy feeling hadn’t returned. Now they just felt like two strangers in an uncomfortable situation.

Steve kind of hated it.

Kind of just wanted to kiss him and tell him things could be normal here, too.

Even if he knew they couldn’t.

“You look different.” Ben says, his eyes finally finding Steve now. Steve wasn’t as tan. His hair wasn’t as bright. He even seemed to hold himself differently. Less sure, less happy.

Steve just shrugged. “Yeah, well, so do you. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”

“I haven’t.” Ben says, a short laugh coming from his lips. “I think I uh, need a doctor. Or a therapist. Something.” His hands rub on his jeans. “Do you have a ciggarette by any chance?”

Steve gapes at him for a second. “Uh, no? I don’t smoke…neither do you.”

Ben nods, like, yeah he doesn’t. But he has a hankering for one. Another little piece of himself he didn’t recgonize.

“Ben, talk to me. What’s going on? Are you okay, why are you here?” Steve sits next to him on the couch with a slight gap between them because things don’t feel easy anymore. It feels strained and tense and he doesn’t know where they stand anymore. “It’s not that I’m not flattered, I’m just kind of worried?” He says, trying to joke but he’s serious.

“Okay…okay, yeah, uh. This is going to sound crazy. I know that. But. I’ve been having these dreams. About him, about Billy.” He pauses, like he’s trying to recounter it. He quietly tells Steve about them. About the place, about Billy, about all of it. He leaves out the part where Billy seemed to lose his shit at Steve leaving because that was embaressing enough to talk about. “Then I started getting this headache since you left. Like this sharp, blinding pain.”

“Like a migraine?” Steve asks, because he used to get them chronically. Hell, his whole head was probably fucked from the amount of concussions, trauma, stress that seemed to linger over him like a second skin.

“That’s what I thought at first, maybe. I tried going to the doctor but it got worse?” He laughs. “If that makes any sense. And it got worse if I stayed in one spot for too long or tried to go home or went in any damn direction that didn’t lead me…well, straight to you.” He looks at Steve, and Steve melts for a second because he’s looking at him like he used to, when they would be in bed together, tired after a long day of leisure and happiness.

“Oh.” Steve says, trying not to let the slight loopy grin slip out.

Ben’s smile widens, warm and blossoming. “Steve.” He puts a hand on his knee, leans forward a little. “I know it sounds romantic but stay with me here, that shit is kind of really really not good.”

“No, yeah, I know.” Steve says, and he didn’t really take in the seriousness of it for a moment because all he heard was ‘my head hurt so bad and I just had to be reunited with you’.

Steve knew he grew up with too many fairytales and romcoms. He was a hopeless romantic. So even something that should have raised immediate red flags instead just made him feel wanted and starry eyed.

Ben is looking at him like he’s sweet, maybe even adorable, and Steve keeps forgetting to stay focused. Because, honestly he missed him and he’s kind of starting to get past the weird stage and more so giddy at the fact that he’s here, even though he did just literally tell him he’s been having dreams about Billy and Steve is pretty sure those weren’t actually dreams but something else and-

“Uh, listen. I kind of…have to tell you something.”

“Okay…” Ben inches a little closer and Steve relaxes a little because he can sense that Ben is still, well, Ben. He still likes him. Still wants to be near.

“You’re going to maybe think I’m a shit for this but I wasn’t fully, uh, accurate about your brother?”

Ben’s brow furrows. God, he looks so much like Billy but he’s so fucking pure and soft and Billy was aggression and anger. “What do you mean?”

Steve sighs. He hates this. He never thought he’d have to really tell him the whole truth but, well, shit here he was. “Billy wasn’t…he wasn’t exactly what anyone would classify as a ‘good’ guy.” Steve looks to Ben but he still just looks kind of lost. “Like yeah he was a life guard and he sacraficed himself sorta which is a whole other story I have to get into but he wasn’t like…nice, Ben. He wasn’t like you. He had a shitty home life, real shitty, and he was angry like, all the time. I’ve never met a guy so angry.” Steve looks to Ben to see him leaning back, away from him. He was processing this but he wasn’t happy. His lips were downturned. “I know you thought he was this great guy but he was honestly a massive asshole who kind of made everyone’s life miserable. Myself included.” He exhaled, like maybe it was too much but he knew he needed to send the point home.

Ben was...having a hard time taking this in. He had imagined his brother to be this beacon of light. He saved people. Helped people. He was popular, an athlete. It was like an image was being erased and redrawn. Worse, the quiet realization that the man he was seeing in his dreams was maybe not as false as he had thought…...it unsettled him. Deeply.

Because the dreams were right.

It wasn’t his subconscious playing tricks on him, casting his brother in a bad light.

It was how Billy was.

He stands, going for the door, and Steve stands quickly too. “Ben, wait! Hey, we can talk this out. There’s a lot more to explain, and I kind of need to tell you something el-”

“I just need a minute. I need air.” Ben tries to say but he isn’t even sure Steve hears him because it was a quick mumbled sentence. He pushed the door open before he could hear Steve protests, because right now he needed to be away from him. Because he had trusted him. He had no reason not to. He took everything the guy said as truth. Didn’t even question it.

He had pictured his brother as this noble, cool guy that everyone gravitated towards. He thought he was everything Ben wasn’t. Ben had a good life, sure, but he wasn’t a jock. He was more into art and theater growing up. He wasn’t a ladies man, he knew at a young age he didn’t feel the way he was ‘suppose’ to about girls. He was quiet, kept to himself. Always had.

He thought Billy was the opposite. He thought Billy was this big, welcoming presence. He thought he was….

Fuck.

Ben needed a ciggarette.

Ben didn’t smoke.

Billy smoked. He knew it. He just knew.

Because parts of Ben were changing into something he didn’t recgonize. Like right now. Right now he was angry. So much angrier than he ever would nromally be. He wasn’t prone to that emotion. He was rational. He could see all sides of any situation. He was understanding.

Yet right now his anger was like a simmering pot with a lid and he was trying so damn hard to not be.

Steve didn’t owe him anything. He wanted to paint his brother in a positive light. Ben understood that, he did, so why was he so fucking angry?

What was happening to him?

He tried to take deep breaths. Closed his eyes and just felt the air, which was so different without the sand and the salt and the ocean.

When he hears wheels on pavement he opens his eyes.

He sees a redheaded girl standing in front of Steve’s house. On a skateboard. A baggy hoodie.

She looks like she’s seen a ghost.

“Hey, I know you need a minute, but I really need to talk to you because there’s a lot more going on and-” Steve’s voice stops on the front steps as he looks out over at the girl and his face falls.

Her mouth opens and closes. Opens again. She steps off the board but she’s staring like she’s about to cry. “Max.” Steve’s voice says quietly, like he’s distraught.

And the girl just stares.

“Billy?”

Chapter Text

If you asked Max, she dealt with her brothers death just fine.

Totally and completely fine.

Look, Billy was a jerk. A huge jerk that made her life a living hell when he was alive. He tormented her, tormented her friends, just made everything harder.

He wouldn’t somehow become a hero, a martyr, just because he died.

That wasn't how things worked.

And anyway, a lot of people died. Eddie died. Sacrificed himself, too. Tons of people died. She learned about Barb, about Bob. Tons. So much death. 

Billy was just one of many.

He wasn't special.

The only difference was…well, the absence of him. The way the house was quiet. The way Neil left. The way they moved to the trailer park. The way even his name haunted her. Whenever her classmate with his name was called on, she twitched.

El had told them what she’d seen. His past. His life. How he was happy, once.

And it ached inside when Max heard. Because in her mind, he was born a jerk. Born to be an asshole. Just something that was in his DNA.

But hearing that wasn’t the case…that he had a life, had joy once...

She wished she could’ve tried harder with him. Got to know him. Maybe even bond over the shit they went through.

She wished he didn’t die.

But Max handled his death just fine.

Totally and completely fine.

______________

Ben didn’t know who the red head girl standing in front of him was. He never saw her before, he knew that much. He’d remember her face, because she was cute. Like a girl scout or a brownie, minus the toughness there. Freckles and red hair. Hard to forget.

He knew he didn’t know her.

Yet, at her looking at him with that expression on her face, he felt his chest cave in, his stomach sink.

It was like a part of him…recognized something in her.

His eyes started to grow moist but it didn't feel like it was him crying.

Because even though he didn’t know her, something in him felt like he did.

Something in him knew her.

And that part of him was lost at the sight of her.

It’s like a stand off between the three of them. Everyone waiting for whose going to make the next move. But then, the girl comes rushing forward and she has her arms thrown around his waist, hugging him so tightly he almost loses his breath.

Ben doesn’t react. He’s kind of frozen. He’s still trying to figure out why he’s practically crying at the sight of a girl he doesn’t know, or why he suddenly feels like the tempature of his body dropped several degrees in the blink of an eye.

“Max, it’s not him.” He hears Steves pained voice say from the steps.

She hugs a little tighter. “I know.” Her face is pressed into Bens chest, muffled. “I don’t care.”

He lifts his arms a little, hugs her back, but it’s weak. He feels like he shouldn’t be. This whole scene felt awkward and overwhelming but it was hard to not console someone crying on you. “I’m, um, Ben.” He said softly, probably only loud enough for her to hear.

“Ben.” She repeats, and then she breaks away and her face is absolutely drenched in tears. “Nice to meet you.” She says. “I’m Max.” She’s wiping at her eyes frantically like she’s embaressed, then gives Steve a hard glare before turning back to him. “So. You look a lot like my fucking dead brother.”

________

“I don’t care.” Max has her arms crossed after Steve more or less caught her up on Ben, with Ben sitting there kind of nodding along. Steve was currently in the state of apologizing for not telling her about him sooner, but she wasn’t having it. “I was on my way home when he passed me in his car and I nearly ran through a red light. Do you have any idea how that felt? To think I saw a ghost or that some weird shit was going on or-”

“I was going to tell you! I like, just got home recently, it hasn’t even been that long-”

“You should have called me as soon as you ‘bumped’ into him!” She shoots back, and, okay yeah maybe he should have. “I had to skate around looking for him, thinking I was seeing things and going crazy until, oh what’s this? He’s on Steve’s front lawn!”

“It was weird for me too, Max.” Steve says, exasperated at this point. This was not how his day was suppose to go. He was suppose to come home from work, heat up a frozen pizza, and binge watch the new season of his stupid reality T.V show until he fell asleep. It was suppose to be boring and quiet. Not…this complete shit show before him.

He hasn’t even begin to bring up the whole intimate part of him and Ben’s relationship because that would kill him right now. He’d never had so many heavy conversations in a row in his life. And he still hadn’t even finished telling Ben about how his brother may or may not have taken over his body that one night. Also hasn’t told him about the Upside Down or that Billy died at the hands of a giant monster.

Nope. Apparently he’s not great at telling people things.

“I still don’t understand.” She huffs, sitting on the arm rest of the couch. “You just had to come here? Like, what, it was calling to you?” They had gotten up to that last point, explaining what he was doing here now. She looked as worried as Steve felt. Because Max and Steve had been through some shit. And this? This all felt like it was relating back to their past traumas that they tried so hard to keep under wraps.

“I guess?” Ben says, because he doesn’t understand it himself and still wasn’t feeling too great. He was looking worse as the minutes ticked by. Kind of out of it.

She let out a low whistle, looking down at her feet. “Man, I knew Neil was an asshole. Everyone knew Neil was an asshole. But I didn’t know he like…seperated his kids and acted like one was dead.”

“Yeah, well, I hear that may have been for the best.” Ben says awkwardly as he leans back against the cushion and doesn’t look at anyone. He was starting to feel like a zoo animal here, and if this is what he was going to be getting a lot of, he was really thinking he should high tail it out of this town - if he was even capable.

“I don’t think Billy even knew about you.” She says, thinking about it. “I mean, I’m pretty sure he didn’t. But. We didn’t…talk much about…well, anything.”

“You weren’t close?” He had thought with the way she acted maybe they were. He hoped maybe she was the one person that saw Billy as more than he was, like he had hidden depths that he only showed a select view.

But she shakes her head ‘no’.

“It was hard to be close to Billy.” She said quietly. “He didn’t really let anyone in, but…I think he wanted to.” She gives a sheepish look to Steve, like she feels pathetic for saying it but Ben can tell she meant it.

Something about it snaps something inside him.

“He didn’t.” The words leave Ben’s mouth before he even processes them, in a low husk of a voice that doesn’t feel his own.

The energy in the room shifts.

He can feel Steve and Max both looking at him and he clears his throat. “Sorry.” He doesn’t know why the hell he did that. He feels nervous. “I just mean, he didn’t let anyone in, then?” He gives a half hearted attempt at smile, like that was what he meant to say all along.

Steve and Max are sharing a look. It’s tense. It’s quiet. “Um. No. He didn’t.” Steve says, looking at Ben like he’s examining him. “Hey, maybe you should get some rest. You said you drove here without eating or sleeping? I can make you some food. You can sleep.”

“I’m not done talking to him.” Max interjects, standing up now.

“Max-”

“Come on, Steve. Just a little bit longer. This is kind of a big deal to me, okay? You want me to just go home after this and act like Billy 2.0 isn’t sitting in your house?”

“Okay let's maybe not call him that. He isn’t well, he needs to-”

“I want to hear about your brother.” Ben says before they can argue any longer. “Our brother, I guess...I need to know what he was like. Steve’s told me some things but I want to hear it from you, from his family.” He exhales, running his hand through his hair which is greasy and he knows he needs a shower. He needs a lot of things. But right now it feels like something is happening to him and that something might just be Billy Hargrove himself.

He can hear Steve sigh but he ignores him.

He liked Steve but he’s still not happy about finding out he lied to him about shit that really mattered to Ben.

He doesn’t know how he feels right now because of it.

But Max is sweet, if not headstrong. She clearly doesn’t take anyones crap. She isn’t sugar and spice, and he feels like if this girl was living in the same house as his brother at one time, she didn’t just sit back and take his crap.

“It’s been…hard for me to talk about him.” She touches her hair like a show of anxiety. “When he was alive he was…angry. He was so angry. And he was angry back in California but this was something else. It was like he was mad at the world, at everyone who came near him.” She isn’t looking at either of them while she talks, like she’s reliving things. “And at the time I took that for what it was. I hated him. I thought he was a monster.” She squeezes her eyes shut. “But then I learned about real monsters. And I learned about Billy and…and so much time’s past, since he’s died, and I’ve been able to look back and - and he was just a kid, you know?” She says, and her voice is getting strained, choked up. “I learned things I didn’t know. How much he loved his mom, but she left. How Neil abused him his whole life. I’d only seen it happen maybe twice.” She looks up finally, staring at Ben. “I don’t think Billy was who he was suppose to be. I think his life, the situations, all of it changed him and it was like he didn’t have a chance to get past it.”

“Stop.” Ben says. He doesn’t want her to stop but the words are out again before he can stop them. A voice that isn’t his voice again. “Stop, Maxine, I don’t-” and now he’s fighting with himself. He’s trying to keep his mouth shut. It’s like there’s two people inside him fighting for dominance and he can’t take it.

He stands, bumps into the coffee table and Steve is over in an instant, hands on his shoulders, shhing him before he goes into hysterics. Ben grabs onto his arm, anchoring to him for support as his breathing races. He’s just tired. He’s exhausted. He needs to rest, Steve was right. “I think I just need to lay down, I’m sorry.” He says weakly, but at least it’s his own fucking voice.

“Yeah, yeah of course. Come on.”

and Max stands there as Steve leads him away.

She watches, looks him over, eyes narrowed.

Because she knows her brothers voice.

And she knows the way he used to stand and carry himself.

Knows how he used to use her full name to make a point - Maxine.

And for a split second, she swears she just saw a ghost.

__________

“And you can change into these.” Steve says, putting the folded clothes on the bed. “And just, when you wake up come get me. I’ll make you something to eat. We can talk. Because, well, we need to talk. A lot. But right now you need sleep and it’s been a really long couple days for you so just rest.” Steve hits him with a smile, one of the ones that he used to throw the girls he’d charm. He had perfected it, even. But Ben isn’t looking at him. He’s looking at the bed, seems lost in thought. “Uh, Ben? You alright?”

“Something’s….wrong with me.” He says, turning to look at Steve, and Steves breath stops because his eyes - his fucking eyes - they’re different. Two different eyes. One with all the blue intensity of the sun and one soft and scared. One dialted, one not. “I’m losing control of myself.”

“What?” Steve steps forward, hand going to his waist and shoulder. Even though, despite the tense interactions they'd been having, he needed to touch him to console him. “Hey, you need sleep, okay? Your body is weak. That’s all this is.”

“I think he’s….inside me.”

“No.” Steve says quickly, because he doesn’t need to ask who. He doesn’t need to ask what he means. “Maybe it feels like that but you’re just tired. Get some sleep and you’ll be recharged and - and you’ll be more you, okay?” His hands are on his face, cradling it, trying to fucking pry Ben back with all he has if he can.

Because as much as a part of him wants to talk to Billy again, he’s scared.

He’s scared of what version of Billy might come back.

And he’s scared of losing Ben completely.

Ben blinks and his eyes return to normal and Steve practically lets out a breath of relief at the sight. He looks dazed still, though. There’s still so much they need to talk about. So much Ben still needs to know. “Steve…”

“Yeah, baby?”

“I think you’re what he wants.”

Chapter Text

I think you’re what he wants.

The words swam about in Steve’s head, even as he went over everything with Max again and again, answering all her questions despite her asking the same ones over and over.

Ben was asleep, in Steve’s bed, and while he checked in on him a couple times - it was still Ben. Even asleep, he could just tell.

He filled Max in on what had happened, that night he saw Billy. It felt stupid to talk about. He wished he would have handled it better. Max asks him if he did x y and z and Steve has to admit he barely did anything. He was too much in shock. It felt like it all happened so quickly and he had no time to really think. He felt like he let her down by failing to answer simple questions and figure out what the hell was going on.

Max took all the information given at face value. She didn’t even question it. No disbelief. No accusing him of lying. She just held her head high and tried to push down whatever she was feeling. Nodded stoically, like in a weird way she almost expected Steve to tell her this. “Believe me, Max, I knew I should tell you earlier but how the hell does someone break that news? I thought I was losing it.. It’s….it’s insane, right? It makes no sense.”

“News flash, Steve. Nothing in our lives ever made sense. Not for a second. I mean, you were captured by russians, fought monsters, and saw other dimensions slip through and bleed into ours. Nothing has ever made sense so this actually, in a weird way, does make sense. It's our normal.” She was pacing slowly, back and fourth while he sat on the couch, watching her. Part of him wanted to calm her down and get her to sit but he had a feeling she needed to let out some energy after all this. “How exactly did he seem though? Billy, I mean. Was he scared? Sad?”

“I don’t know.” Steve sighs. “It was kind of fast. He just…honestly he seemed normal. As normal as he can be. Like, kind of hostile but defensive?” He wanted to say 'standard Billy' but he didn't want to offend Max if he seemed too rude about it.

“He didn’t say like how he was there or what he was doing or-”

“No. He didn’t say any of that. He was, Jesus, I don’t know. He was talking shit about Ben, about me, then he…” Steve looks to Max and sighs. “He asked about you. Asked me to protect you, basically. From your home life.” He looks down, suddenly feeling bad because it was always a sore subject for Max. She didn’t like talking about that. About Neil, about what happened. “I told him you were safe, that Neil left. He was…relieved, I think, but he kind of left shortly after that.”

Max doesn’t say anything, just kind of takes it in. Her eyes glisten but she’s being stubborn, refusing to let it get to her.

In the short time her brother was recently present, he had asked about her.

Steve knew that had to have an affect on her, but she would never talk about it.

That was Max for you.

“Look, it’s getting late. I know, I know you want to be here. You want to talk to him. But the guy is so exhausted he’s probably going to sleep until sunrise. Plus he’s got to get himself together and figure shit out. He’s here but he has a whole business back in Cali. I’m sure he’s got people to call and…things…to do.” Steve sighs, rubbing his eyes, because what the fuck? The realization that Ben up and left his whole life suddenly is becoming more apparent. He was worried about the pier, his businesses. “I can call you when he can talk.”

“Fine. But I won’t be patient. If it takes too long, I’m coming back.”

“I would not put that past you.” He gives her a warm smile and she begrudgingly returns it. “Say hey to Lucas for me. Remind him that I’m his friend and he should not threaten me for withholding this important information from you guys.” He stands, walking to the door as she follows and gives a mix between a laugh and a scoff.

“He’s going to be pissed. You know how he gets.”

“When it comes to you? Yeah, I know.” Steve smiles again. Because Lucas was her constant. They were good together, always had been. He waited around for her, and she finally came back to him. Steve was pretty sure he would’ve waited forever if he had to. “Goodnight, Max.”

She just holds her hands up in a ‘whatever’ type wave and walks out the door, dismissively. He knows she's pretending to be kind of mad about the whole situation, but he knows Max. He knows she's just...processing. Like they all were.

As he shut the door behind him he slumped against it tiredly. He was hungry himself. His stomach had been quietly growling as if to remind him to take care of himself while trying to take care of everyone around him.

Still, he couldn’t ignore the elephant in the room…or, er, the twin in his bed. He’d check on him again, maybe see if he could stir him enough to eat.

The first thing he noticed was Ben had kicked all the blankets off but it wasn’t that hot in the room. Steve quietly walked to the window, cracking it open for him. When he walked back over to check on him, his face was in a wince. He studied him for a moment to try to see if it was a bad dream but he was barely moving, just breathing softly.

He reached his hand out to his head and touched it but it wasn’t hot - in fact, it felt ice cold.

Shit.

“Ben? Hey, Ben, you okay?” He put a hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently, just trying to wake him up for a second to make sure he was okay.

His eyes opened, peering up, face no longer looking in pain. He looked alert. He looked...ah, shit. “Harrington.”

“Billy.”

They stared at each other. Steve was less thrown off by it this time. It was like his eyes alone were enough for Steve to know who he was talking to, even if he hadn’t been calling him by his last name, which was a tell tale sign in itself. 

Billy smiled lazily, rolling on his back, stretching a little. “I’ve got a feeling we’re not in California anymore.” He looked Steve up and down, putting his hands behind his head. And oh, the motherfucker was joking now? Yeah, they weren’t in California anymore. They were in Hawkins now. Steve’s turf. Home of the weird and unusual. He felt like that might make things even worse.

“You have something to do with that?” Steve asks. He knows he should be freaked, knows there’s so many questions he should ask him, but he had to play this right. He couldn’t jump into attack mode. He couldn’t act scared or suspicious. Just handle it like he always handled Billy. Quiet disinterest.

He’d never give him the attention he seemed so desperate for even when he was alive.

“Maybe.” Billy shrugged, looking at the bed and the rumpled sheets. “You sleep in here with him?”

“No.” Steve took a step closer, as if studying him. “So you can’t see what happens when he’s sleeping, then.” It was more of a quiet observation for himself. From last time, he knew that Billy was able to somehow see what Ben did. Billy knew they’d had sex. Called him out on it immediately. That kind of confirmed for Steve what he already knew, that Ben’s eyes were like a window somehow for Billy’s.

“What’s wrong, Stevie boy? You don’t seem so happy now that we’re back.” He was still grinning, still amused. Now that we’re back…in Hawkins? Or now that we’re back as in now that Billy is back?

“Why are you here?”

“God, you’re so rude." He snaps. "What? You too busy for us? We came all the way here to see you and you’re just going to act like you want us gone. Already??” Now he was getting angry. That familiar temper, always simmering. It was like he wanted to get pissed, wanted a reason to explode. 

“Not what I meant.” Steve says, jaw tense. “And you know it. I mean why are you here, Billy. Why are you in Ben’s body. How are you in Ben’s body?”

The other boy doesn’t say anything at first. “It’s easier when he’s weak.” He moves, shifting his anger away, looking back at the bed. He almost looks…guilty, now. If he even had that emotion. “Easier to slip into the cracks. The empty space. It’s like he’s less connected so I can take over.”

“So you’re just…what? Always inside him?”

“Bet you wish it was you, huh? Or, no, you want him always in you, right?” Crude, quick. Billy’s grinning. Licking his lips. “You should be glad I brought you back your little fuck toy. You should be real-”

“Shut up. Don’t talk about Ben like that. You don’t get to use him and then trash talk him-”

“I can do whatever the fuck I want! If I wanted to I could go out there and walk into traffic and take him away from you!” He laughs and Steve’s heart sinks. “You want that?”

A challenge. A threat.

He knows he’s bluffing. Billy wouldn’t do that. He just wanted to scare him, like he so desperatly always did when alive. How he threatened to hit Max's friends. Scared everyone. Got power from it, control.

“You walk into traffic you’re not only killing Ben but you’re fucking over yourself. No more bodies for you to hijack after that. Unless you have another secret twin hiding around somewhere.”

“Funny.” Billy says as he swings his legs over the bed and leans forward to look at Steve better.

Steve's tired, and he's hungry, and he's had a hell of a day.

He doesn't want to sit here and argue and talk shit with a dead guy.

“Just…talk to me, Billy. Are you trapped? In the Upside Down? Do you need help? We can figure it out.”

“You can’t help me.” He huffs, standing up now and stepping nearer to Steve as he backed up. “You can’t get me out. I don’t have a body to go back to. You get that? I don’t have a body, Harrington.”

“So you’re like…a spirit?”

“How the fuck should I know!? I just know that I’m here. That I’m conscious. I can feel and think and it’s so fucking cold all the time - I’ve been cold for so long I don’t even know how to get warm anymore, it’s like everything is just subzero and I can’t think straight!”

Steve, stupidly, processes this too quickly and feels too bad and all his thoughts are telling him is he’s cold he’s cold he’s cold so he does what he always does when someone has a problem.

He fixes it.

He reaches out, pulling him into a hug.

And he’s….holding Billy Hargrove in his arms. To his chest.

Steve was warm, he was always warm, he ran hot.

Billy was cold. Not like Ben. Ben was warm, too, but Billy was cold to the touch.

And Billy immediately tenses up, his hands go up to shove Steve back but he lets out a pained little noise and Steve can feel him registering the warmth. He succumbs, slowly. His body untenses. He at last melts into him, and Steve just…hunkers down. His hands are rubbing up and down Billy’s back, over his shirt, trying to warm him up more.

He can feel it. The cold slipping out of him. He’s getting more adjusted, like he’s de-thawing.

When Steve thinks it’s enough, he lets him go.

Billy’s eyes are glistening. Dewey. He looks…he looks so different like this. Vulnerable, almost innocent.

“Better?” Steve asks, offering him a smile that seems to kill Billy a little more. He can see Billy struggling, his breathing shaken despite how hard he can see the guy trying to keep his bravado. “Billy? You okay?”

The silence between them thickens as Billy's jaw ticks like he doesn't want to speak. Steve's still smiling. Trying to show him it's okay. Trying to help.

“I need a body to stay, Steve.” Is all he says.

He doesn’t need to say any more.

Steve understands.

Chapter Text

Steve never really hated Billy

He thought he was an obnoxious jerk - sure. That was a given. Anyone with eyes and ears could tell you that about Billy Hargrove.

But at the time, he was mostly…kind of indifferent.

He had more going on in his life when Billy appeared.

Monsters, relationship trouble, friend trouble. There just wasn’t time for Billy. He was just your standard toxic joke with too much time on his hands, and Steve found him to be so very high-school, and he did not have time for high-school bullies.

He wishes, now, that he did maybe give him more time.

He wishes he would’ve said “What’s the matter with you, man? Why are you like this?” Even if it didn’t fully get him anywhere.

He wishes he tried harder when they found out he was under the mind flayers control.

Looking back now, it almost seems like his ‘actual’ problems then are the reason he had one big problem now.

And honestly? Steve was never great with sorting through his problems.

_____

“If you would just give me two seconds I could make you whatever you want.” Steve is huffing, struggling to both walk and get his shoes on at the same time in an attempt to keep up with Billy, who insisted he needed to get something to eat and was apparently just going to up and leave.

Holding him like that had been unexpected for them both but it worked well enough. Billy warmed up. He really was...alive now, for lack of better words. 

If Steve could help him to shake off any trace of the Upside down, he would.

He owed him that much, didn't he?

Billy had promptly pushed away from him after, mumbling that he needed to eat immediately or he'd lose it. Steve was almost certain that it was just a deflection to break up their small embrace, but by the way Billy was rushing, it seemed he actually was probably starving.

God knows when he last actually ate.

“Yeah, well, I want a cheeseburger and I don’t want some lame, limp, sad version of it no doubt you’ll cook up.” He’s patting his pockets down, looking for ciggarettes. So weird to see Ben’s body behaving so…un-Ben like.

“I could make a good cheeseburger.” Steve says almost defensively, though in truth he didn’t just have hamburger meat laying around. Still, he felt he needed to express his cooking skills were not subpar. “It’s late. No where is going to be open except for some crappy diner.”

“Perfect.” Billy cracked the door open and stopped just long enough to shoot Steve a look over his shoulder. A look that simply said, ‘you comin?’

Steve pulled on his other shoe and followed.

______

Billy had really been exploiting the whole ‘dead and now alive’ thing. When Steve tried to drive, Billy pulled the “Come on, I haven’t gotten to drive in forever.”

When he shamelessly flitered with their waitress, it was the same exuse. “What? I haven’t been around living, breathing women in a while. So sue me.”

When he finished his milkshake and swiped across to take Steve’s, he just shrugged. “I haven’t had a milkshake since before that time I graphically died.”

So, here Steve sat, in a diner booth with his hair a mess (because someone sped the entire way here with the windows down) and no milkshake. He ordered it just kind of to humor Billy anyway. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a milkshake either, truth be told. It seemed like something Ben probably had frequently though. Ben kind of still had this childlike sense of wonder about him. He probably liked strawberry, if Steve had to guess, and felt himself smiling a little about it.

Then he looked up and realized Billy was still there. Billy.

Not Ben.

And Steve had a crush on Ben.

He wanted to be at a diner in the middle of the night in Indiana with Ben.

“What?” Billy asked, finally removing the straw from his lips. Steve just gave him a smile, a small wave of the hand as if to say ‘it’s nothing.’ Because apparently they were good with communicating through looks now.

Billy slid the milkshake back over to him without batting an eye.

Steve took it, almost confused at the gesture because…huh? Billy didn’t share, did he?

Whatever. Who cares. He was still confused and sulking a bit because he wanted Ben back here but he knew he had to get on Billy’s good side, had to stay calm and let him get whatever this all was out of his system.

It wasn’t that he didnt’ feel bad for Billy because he did. Yeah the guy was a massive asshole but no one deserved to die the way he had. No one deserved his upbringing, either. And apparently Billy had been dead this whole time yet not really dead just…trapped somewhere.

All of that was more than Steve could even process, but it hurt him to think about. If he let it, it would get to him way too much.

But it didn’t change the fact that Ben was real. Ben was alive. Ben deserved to live his life without being hijacked by a brother he never even got to know.

The waitress comes back over with the greasiest looking burger Steve has possibly ever seen and Billy’s eyes light up. It’s actually kind of cute. He stifles a laugh at Billy immediatly picking it up, grease dripping down his hands. He was two seconds from biting into it when he saw Steve’s amused face. “What’s so funny, Harrington?”

“Nothing, nothing. Just never seen someone so excited over diner food.”

“You keep saying diner food like it’s a bad thing, rich boy.” Billy ignores him, biting in and letting out a loud audible moan while rolling his eyes back commically. God, he could be a goof, huh? Steve didn’t know that. Steve didn’t really know…much at all about Billy. They weren’t ever friends. All he knew was the guy was an angry dickhead so it was kind of a relief to see he wasn’t so one dimensional.

“Good?” Steve asks. He risks leaning forward to swipe a fry from Billy’s plate and Billy goes to slap his hand away but Steve is too fast. He pops it into his mouth and goes to grin triumphantly but then his face reddens and he spits it out into his hand. “Hot! Hot, hot, jeeze.”

And now Billy is laughing.

And they’re….

Holy shit are they getting along?

______

Steve gets to drive on the way home but mainly just because Billy is in a small food coma. He finished the burger, fries, and milkshake in a freakishly short amount of time and was now kind of groaning in the passenger seat. “I told you not to eat so fast.”

“Screw you.” He lights up a ciggarette and Steve wants to protest, but he just sighs. “I haven’t eaten real food in a long ass time….So you actually like my brother, then?”

The change of topic so suddenly had Steve smoking on ciggarette smoke. “Uhhh. Yeah, yeah I guess I do. He’s like, a really good guy, Billy.”

“He seems kind of like a dweeb. Like, gives off pathetic vibes.”

“Have you even talked to him?”

“I’ve talked to him plenty.” He ashes the cigarrette out the window while Steve quietly doubts this.

“I mean, like, really talked to him? Or have you just been haressing him in his dreams? Which, by the way, he considers nightmares. So. I know by that information alone you aren’t being pleasant.”

“Oh I’m sorry. Was I suppose to offer him fucking tea and ask how his childhood was while the wet vines ran casually over our feet? You’re so damn dense, I swear to God, it’s like you-”

“He asked about you nonstop. He wanted to know everything about you. I think he like, looked up to you. And here you are, not giving two shits about him, not even wanting to talk to him. He’s your brother. Your twin brother. Whose body you’re using, by the way, so maybe you should be grateful? Maybe you should be nice to him? Maybe you should talk to him and figure out whatever the hell is going on?”

“No.”

Alrighty. Conversation done, according to Billy. Just ‘no.’

Steve’s hands on the steering wheel tightened a little as he tensed his jaw. He didn’t want to freak out. He didn’t want to fight, or argue, but Ben wasn’t here to advocate for himself and Steve knew he had to stand up for him now. He knows Ben would do the same if the roles were reversed.

“Why won’t you even consider it, huh?” Steve asks, trying to keep any inflection out of his voice. “What could be so bad about just getting to know him more, if you can? If you can connect in dreams or whatever why not just…talk to him? You don’t want to know him?”

“I can’t know him.” Billy throws the whole ciggarette out the window. His voice is a little lower but it’s still pissed.

“Yes you can. You literally can.”

“No, I can’t. Because if I know him, I can’t do this.” He said, gesturing to himself angrily, to his body. “You can’t get to know people if you want to use them!” Steve must be making some type of face because Billy calms down for a second, sighs. “It’s like sex, right? A one night stand? You want to fuck the girl, you don’t want to hear about her daddy issues. Make it meaningless. Don’t get attached… I don’t want to know him, alright?”

Seriously?

He was fucking comparing this to a one night stand?

Steve pulled the car over fast because he couldn’t focus for another second. “So what? That’s it? You’re just Ben now? You’re just going to take his life because you lost yours!?”

“Yeah, I am! It seems pretty damn fair to me!”

“Fair!? To you, yeah! Not to Ben!”

“Oh fuck off, Harrington. You don’t need to be Mr. Goody Two Shoes. Just bury your head in the sand and look the other way like you always fucking do.”

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”

“You! How you ignore shit! How you could have told me about all the weird shit that was going on but you looked the other way! Jesus, that shit with Max!? When I caught you with her and thought something shitty was going on?! You could have just told me-”

“You wouldn’t have listened to shit I’d say. You came looking for a fight that night. You know that, I know that. You were mad as soon as you saw me.”

Billy, for once, doesn’t argue that. He’s still pissed, still radiating bad energy, but Steve doesn’t care. He wasn’t going to let this go.

He watches as Billy leans back in the seat, slumping a little. “The way I see this? Me having some twin brother gives me another chance. You get that? It’s fuckin’ fate, man. It’s destiny. It’s a gift from the universe.”

Steve shakes his head. He can see it, from Billy’s perspective. That’s the problem. He wasn’t thinking rationally at all. “No. You died. You’re dead. You want to take that from Ben, too?”

Billy seemed to be listening but he still had that look in his eyes. Fire, rage. “I don’t think I have a choice. You see other options? You want me to stay stuck in that fucking hell hole forever?”

Steve didn’t know what to say to that. He could understand all of this, that was the problem. He was pro a empathy and sympathizing, but it seemed like no matter what, no one could win in this situation. “You can’t just…do this. You have to talk to Ben. Maybe you can like, figure something out.”

“Oh, what? Like I can get his body on weekends? Fuck you, Harrington. There isn’t a way out of this for me other than taking back my life.”

Chapter Text

Billy wasn’t exactly used to rejection.

Here in Hawkins especially. It felt like people were bending over backwards for him, or just plain bending over for him.

Yet Steve had blown him off for what felt like the second or third time now. Billy stood in the parking lot, watching as Steve walked off and over to his own car after a tepid conversation in the showers.

Billy lit a smoke, glaring at Tommy who was beside him. Tommy was always near him. Since he first got there it was like a dog he couldn't shake. He didn’t even really like Hagan but he seemed dead set on being his lacky, so he figured what the hell. Plus, Tommy dished out compliments like they were nothing. He was such a vapid little kiss ass.

He also had pretty good gossip on this dingy little place.

“I thought you said he was cool.” Billy was aggravated. He kept trying with Steve. Sure, he knew maybe he was being brash and he chalked that up to the Halloween party but he was drunk and not great at making friends in general. Intimidation worked on Tommy and most of the others so why the hell wasn’t it working on Steve?

“I said he was cool. Past tense. Since he started swooning after Wheeler he’s become such a priss.” Tommy said back with a snicker. “He’s like, her bitch boy.”

And Billy snorted at that. Maybe that was the issue. Billy knew he was good looking, maybe Steve was just worried his little girl friend had the hots for him. Hell, didn’t most of the bitches in this school?

Steve shouldn’t be worried though.

Nancy wasn’t his type.

________

The rest of the night after the diner was shit.

Billy literally stormed off to Steve’s room like a petulant teenager, slamming and locking the door behind him. It was actually another thing that Steve had to think about. Was Billy still kind of stilted, trapped in the brain of an angry 17 year old? How did that work? Or did he actually age…mentally matured, like the rest of them? How the hell did time pass for him, was it like normal, or was he literally freshly dethawed at how he was when he died?

Steve didn’t know. He couldn’t even tell, because he didn’t look like Billy, he looked like Ben. Ben was Steve’s age. Ben was an adult. What the hell was Billy?

He sat on the couch, running his hands through his hair. Why was this happening to him? He had just wanted a vacation. He just wanted to let loose like his friends kept telling him to do.

Now he was stuck babysitting a potential ghost or demon or god knows what Billy was.

What the hell was he suppose to do in this situation? His brain was telling him to reach out to maybe Dustin, since the kid was such a genius, but he didn’t want to freak him out…they all thought this Upside Down shit was over. They were living full, happy lives. Dustin was away at school. He didn’t want to ring him up and drop this bomb on him.

Still, who else was there? Robin was good to talk to but she didn’t understand any of this any more than he did. She was smart but not like, science logic smart. He once saw her choke on a lifesaver which seemed impossible,... and yet.

Okay who else? Yeah, he had Max, who he owed a phone call to in the morning but she was also on the same level he was in dealing with this.

No, he needed an expert.

He just…didn’t know who that was.

_______

Steve woke up some hours later on his couch to the sound of the front door opening.

Once he remembered what happened the night before, he jumped up worriedly. Had Billy left? Was he going to take Ben’s body and run?

But no, Billy stood there, looking at Steve like the wolf caught in the hen house. He had a brown paper bag against his chest and was looking down at Steve like he didn’t mean to wake him up. “Just went out for some shit.” He grumbled, moving past him into the hall to the kitchen.

And…okay, this was going to take some getting used to, becaues waking up with Billy in his house was seriously all shades of weird.

He got up and hurried after him, rubbing his head, feeling like he needed more sleep - preferably on a real bed and not his shitty couch.

Billy was at the counter, taking stuff out of his bag.

He bought…food? Huh?

“Hope you don’t mind. Took your wallet.” He tossed it at Steve who almost fumbled it, still tired.

“Great. You robbed me. Real on brand for you.” Steve mutterd as he pulled out a chair. “You, what? Went grocery shopping?”

“Sure.” Billy said back, kind of dismissing him. Steve almost felt kind of bad because yeah, he didn’t have a lot in his fridge. He kept meaning to go shopping but after he came back from California he was kind of in his sulky stage.

Billy was making his way around the kitchen in a way that sent Steve reeling at the fact that he was even here. “How long have you been up?”

There’s a bit of a pause, and all at once Steve realizes Billy never actually went to sleep.

He’s about to open his mouth to say something, to chastise him and tell him he needed to sleep, when it dawned on him the reason why he hadn’t.

If he went to bed, it gave Ben the opterunity to come back.

He himself had said it, that when Ben was weak and tired it was easier for him to crawl through the cracks. Like a battery draining and powering down. When one switched off, the other came on.

Billy was trying to stay awake to keep being here.

Something about that made Steve’s heart drop to his stomach.

The thought of Billy being trapped back in that place, and how much he didn’t want to go back, made Steve uneasy. He didn't want that for Billy either. 

Steve tensed his jaw, letting the silence filter between them softly. “You can’t stay awake forever, Billy.”

“No shit, sherlock. Wow. You really have gotten smarter since you started hanging out with nerds, huh?” He said back, teasing but also sounding kind of exhausted by it all. Steve stood up, walking over to him and picking up a tomato and a knife, dicing alongside him even though he wasn’t sure what they were making.

“I can talk to Ben. I mean, so can you I guess, but I can try to…I don’t know. Help? We can figure something out.” Steve can already feel Billy tense beside him. He knows from last night Billy was deadset on their being no other solution but Steve wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, not when they’d barely even begun to really think about possibilites and ideas. “It doesn’t have to be-”

“I don’t even know how I came back in the first place.” Billy says gruffly, opening the pack of bacon with his teeth like a savage. It was kind of gross. And also, kind of...kind of…

No. No, Steve wasn’t going there.

“Huh?”

“I wasn’t like, around. I wasn’t-” Billy huffs, putting the package down on the counter. “I was like…here but not here. It all was just black space. I couldn’t see anything. There was nothing. Just…black. It was like I was alive but not. Just…floating through space or some vast nothingness. I wasn’t even a being it was more like I was just a spec. I dunno. It’s dumb.”

Steve blinks, doe eyes just gazing at him. He thought Billy was trapped in the Upside Down. That he’d just been there that whole time. He was…just nowhere?

“It wasn’t until I heard you that I like. Came back.”

Steve nearly drops the knife.

“What?”

“Huh. What?” Billy mimicks him, rolling his eyes as he starts to look for a pan and Steve helps, pulling one out for him and handing it over. “You. You called my name. You found my brother but you thought it was me and you said Billy and it was like - shit, I don’t know. Like someone called me and I picked up. I was suddenly…just…there again.”

He knows Billy is talking to try to explain but the fact that he’s opening up and telling him this felt like something else entirely. Between last night and now this it was starting to feel like a bridge was being crossed between them. Instead of the constant fighting and bickering, they were actually starting to get to know each other, and it scared the shit out of Steve.

It was like what Billy said last night about not wanting to know Ben, because it’d make it too real, and he wouldn’t be able to use his body like this.

The more they talked, the more Steve started to feel guilty and wrong for wanting Ben back when it was clear Billy needed this. And, hell, Steve wanted it for him, too. It just seemed impossible for both guys to be present. It seemed like either way someone would be trapped. Ben deserved better. He didn't ask for this. He didn't know how weird life could get. He was an innocent bystander in their shit.

Steve clears his throat, putting a hand on Billy’s arm as he flinches but doesn’t shrug it off. He wants him to keep going. Wants him to know he’s listening.

“After that I could just, see shit. I could see what Ben saw. I could hear you. I was sitting in that weird ass place again with the wet and the vines and the cold but it was at least a place now. Before it was just…black.” He’s cooking the bacon, sizzling it in the pan, like this is just any old domestic conversation in the morning and not absolutely gut wrenching to Steve. Steve drops his hand, goes back to the tomato as he listens, trying to busy himself. “So. Yeah. Maybe I’m worried if I fall asleep and lose this that I’ll end up back there, in some weird fuckin’ limbo where I don’t even have any ideas or thoughts or anything. Where I’m not even me.” Finally, his eyes flick to Steve. “I don’t want to go back there.”

Steve knows this is his turn to talk. He knows Billy just laid a lot on the table and was open with him and vulnerable and he should say something deep and impactful and- “Ow!”

He looked down and saw blood spilling onto the cutting board.

Because Steve cut himself.

Perfect.

He was about to make a smart joke but in a flash, Billy grabbed his thumb and held it up, turning it this way and that. “Jesus, Billy, it’s just a small cut. It’s fine I’ll grab a bandaid.”

“A small cut? You idiot you nearly cut deep enough to need stitches! If I knew you were that easily distracted I wouldn’t have opened my big mouth!”

Anddd there it was. Back to bickering. “Well, I was just trying to-”

“Fucker, come here.” Billy lowered the tempature on the bacon and grabbed Steve’s hand, dragging him over to the sink. Steve watched in a daze as Billy put the water on, grabbed the soap, started cleaning it out gently. He was huffing and hawing like he was annoyed but he was being…really really gentle.

“It doesn’t even hurt.” Steve said, which was a lie, but he always felt this weird need to be macho around Billy. Probably because Billy made everything into a obnoxious pissing contest.

“I don’t care. Just, hell, I don’t know. Go get a bandaid from wherever you keep them and sit your ass down. I don’t need you in here chopping stuff if you suck this much at it.”

Steve rolls his eyes and goes.

It’s when he’s opening the bathroom cabniet when he sees his old little buddies. Sleeping pills. From after all the Upside Down shit. He had trouble sleeping, would get night terrors sometimes. So, he had some left over still.

He couldn’t.

He shouldn’t.

But Billy needed to sleep, and Steve needed to talk to Ben.

He chewed on his lower lip. He didn’t want to send Billy away. He didn’t want to be the one to do that. He could probably just wait, right? Billy had to sleep eventually. But he knew the other boy was impossibly stubborn and would probably take to chugging coffee and some other extreme measure to stay awake. Worse, he could fall asleep behind the wheel or standing and get hurt - which would hurt Ben. It was Ben's body he was using.

Maybe this was the safest option.

After wrapping his finger he grabbed just one pill. He usually took two as needed but Billy was already tired so hopefully this would do the job enough.

When he came back into the kitchen he tried to act normal, mustered a sheepish smile to Billy when he turned to look at him. He clocked how Billy’s eyes went to his hand, making sure it was taken care of.

He went to sit and noticed the plate of food there. Omlette with cheese, tomato, bacon. It smelt amazing. It looked amazing. “Holy shit, man. You made me breakfast?”

“Jesus does everything have to be some big production to you? Just eat it.” Billy snapped, plating his own food now.

As soon as Billy sat, Steve stood. “Let me make us some tea!” He grabbed at some mugs, hoping he could slip it in to his drink and that would be that. No harm, no foul. Maybe Billy wouldn’t ever even need to find out. He could just assume he fell asleep due to, ya know, exhaustion.

“I don’t drink fuckin’ tea. Coffee. I already brewed some. Just top me off.” Billy said, mouth full already as Steve heard the crunch of bacon. He turned around and sure enough, Billy did have a mug there already. He called that. Of course Billy was downing coffee, he probably had been drinking a ton of it arleady.

Steve took the mug and turned, grabbing the pot and pouring some in. He looked over his shoulder making sure Billy wasn’t looking and slipped the pill in easily. It disolved quickly in the hot water. “Cream and sugar?”

“I take it black.”

“Of course you do.” Steve said with an eyeroll. Oh well. Hopefully he wouldn’t taste it. Again, it was a small pill, how strong could it taste?

“Let me guess, your coffee is more milk than actual bean juice, yeah?” Billy teased.

He set the mug back down and walked over to finally eat the food Billy had made for him. His eyes lit up at the taste. “Holy shit, this is good!”

Billy eyed him suspiciously. That’s what he was suspicious of? Steve liking his food? Steve smiled, chewing away happily, unfazed. Billy could be weird and stand-offish all he wanted, this food was amazing. Billy took a drink of the coffee. “It’s just a damn omlette.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t eat them really. I usually skip breakfast.”

“Well you shouldn’t do that.” Billy says back with a glare.

“You’re like, crazy bossy.” Steve says, ignoring him as he continued to eat.

He watched from the corner of his eye as Billy downed the rest of his coffee quickly. If it tasted wrong, Billy didn’t seem to notice.

Steve’s guilt only grew as he looked down at the plate of food.

But he had to have done it, didn’t he?

For Ben.

He had to do it for Ben.

So why did it feel so wrong?

Chapter Text

The unexpected happened a few months after being in Hawkins. “Just…give me a second.” Billy sat up, pushing the girl back and tugging on his dick. C’mon, c’mon…

The girl, Macy, looked down at him, unimpressed. She crossed her arms over her chest, covering her bra, which wasn’t exactly helping here. “Um. What’s going on?” She asked in that annoying nasally voice he couldn’t stand. He didn’t even realize how annoying she was until this second, with this situation.

She was in the back of his car and things were getting hot and heavy but he…wasn’t cooperating. Or his body wasn’t.

He never fucking had this happen before.

He never even thought this could happen to him before.

Billy was horny and ready to go almost constantly.

But after that stupid run in with Harrington where they got into it, plates smashing, punches thrown, it was like a lot of things weren’t working anymore. Could he still have a concussion? Maybe his brain got damaged. Maybe he was damaged.

“Just…shut up for two seconds. Let me concentrate.” He pumped himself in his palm but he still laid limp. He tugged harder, thought of the filthiest things he could think of, but nothing was working.

There was something he didn’t try. Something he could try. Something he sometimes let his mind linger on in the shower…or more like… someone.

“Um…..maybe you should just take me home.”

Billy looked at the girl in almost disbelief. Because, uh, what the fuck? He could not have her going home.

She’d call her friends.

She’d spread this shit everywhere, that Billy Hargrove couldn’t get it up.

“It seems like something is kind of wrong here.” She stated, like no shit sherlock.

So he did what he was best at.

Put the blame somewhere else.

He tucked himself back into his briefs, pulling his jeans back up over his hips with a scoff. “Yeah, something is wrong. Maybe if you were hotter this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“What?” The girl asked, startled, voice small.

“Maybe if you had tits or anything to look at. Jesus, it’s no wonder. I can’t even get hard looking at you nearly naked.”

The girl looked down at herself, swallowing a lump in her throat as she quickly grabbed for her clothes.

There.

Now she wouldn’t be saying Billy had any issues, because she was the issue now.

Problem solved.

____

The ‘little sleeping pill’ didn’t exactly work how Steve intended.

He wanted Billy to nod off peacefully. A natural, easy process that would lull him into a space of security and warmth.

What happened was the opposite.

Billy must have felt the effects kicking in because he got up to make more coffee, then he started rubbing his head and leaning against the counter like he was struggling. Steve watched, kind of dumbly, not sure what to do. “Um. You look tired. You should get some rest. We can go sit down, I can call Max-”

Billy turned, eyes angry and aimed directly at Steve. “What the hell did you do?”

“W-What?”

“You. You did something.” Billy loomed forward, grabbing Steve by his shirt and yanking him to his feet. How the hell was he so strong even when he was exhausted!?

“Billy, calm down!”

“What trick are you playing at? You trying to get rid of me? Fucking pathetic. You hear me? You’re PATHETIC!” He tossed him back, releasing him and heaving for breath, slapping his cheeks like he was trying to wake himself up more.

Steve wanted to grab at his hands, to tell him to stop hurting himself, but he was still shocked and frozen at how Billy just discarded him, nearly hurting him.

“I can’t believe this. Can’t believe this shit. I do all this to get back here to you, and you jump at every chance to get rid of me, to fucking throw me away again.” Billy is shaking his head and his words are starting to slur.

Steve looks up at him fast, because, huh? He must have misheard. Or Billy must be just really messed up from the pills, but then Billy turns to glower at him again. “Not good enough for you, huh, Harrington? Never fucking good enough but my bullshit brother apparently is!” He steps forward again but his leg wobbles a little and he grips the back of the chair for support.

“Billy, stop.” Steve reaches for him but Billy jumps back. “You need to lay down. You’ll fall and bust your head open. Just…let me..” He reached for his arm again and this time Billy didn’t back away, and when Steve moved to help him, Billy nearly collapsed into his chest.

The pills had won.

After getting him back into bed Steve let out a loud exhale. He was going to end up jacked after this from lugging around Billy and Ben’s body so much. He slumped into the bed beside him, a weird combination of mentally tired yet buzzing with adrenaline.

What the hell was Billy going off about?

Billy not being good enough for him? How Billy came back to be here for…for Steve? What?

And look, Steve wasn’t stupid. Despite what people thought.

He also wasn’t blind to people liking him. He was ‘King Steve’ once. He knew the looks, the flirtations, the way people acted around him when they wanted him.

He was never oblivious in that case. He knew when he was liked, and he could also quite clearly hear what Billy had been saying it was just that…it didn’t make sense.

Not from Billy.

There was no way Billy had ever liked him. Billy had hated him. Ever since he got here he had gone out of his way to be a menace to him. It was never ending torment while Steve was dealing with trying to keep his relationship together and also trying to stay alive long enough to graduate. Billy was an unneeded thorn in his side. Always was.

So what the hell was he talking about? Why was he acting so jealous?

Even that first night when he came back and asked if Steve thought about Billy when he was with Ben…

Steve shivered at the thought.

He didn’t even know what to do with this information, or how to feel about it.

Billy?

Billy Hargrove, temporary sociopath?

Not to mention, dead.

I mean, yeah Steve had eyes and knew even back then Billy was a knock out. He remembered seeing him getting out of his car that day in the parking lot and literally swallowing a lump in his throat like a over zealous cartoon character.

Billy was mouthwatering.

Jaw dropping.

Isn’t it partially why he fell for Ben?

No, fuck, no. That wasn’t fair. He liked Ben for Ben.

Even though he did look identical to Billy.

Even though when he first saw him, his heart soared at the hope of seeing Billy again.

He laid down next to his unconscious body and stared up at the ceiling.

What the fuck.

_______

Ben shoved Billy, hard, in the chest. Enough that Billy faltered, not getting his footing in time, surprised by the attack. “What the hell did you do!?” He exclaimed as he glared at him. Same pair of eyes. Same lips. Same nose. Same face. “You stole my life!”

Ah, fuck.

Billy had fallen asleep. Now he was here.

And someone wasn't happy to see him.

“Relax, drama queen. I stole, what, a little more than a day? I’m sure you would’ve done something so amazing with it, really.” Billy rolled his eyes, back in this stupid place. So Ben had to spend some time here by himself. Big whoop. Billy was always here.

“Oh, a queen? That’s rich. You’re so quick to make some gay joke like it scares you because you know you’re-”

“Shut your goddamn mouth.”

“Queer! You’re fucking queer, Billy! Just like me, just like Steve. You got it so fucking bad for him, huh?” And Ben was laughing at him now and it stung. He didn't like being laughed at. Even as a kid. The first time he swung his fists it was out of laughter from someone else, directed at him. Billy went from seeing red to just feeling…called out. Humilated. Because he wasn’t. It was just different with Steve. Everything was different with Steve. It wasn’t like that.

“You don’t know shit.”

“Oh I don’t!? I just saw you! I saw all of it! I could feel it. The way your heart sped up when he’d look at you with a smile. The way your hands got sweaty. The stuff you were saying to him? You came back because you heard his voice? Don’t even get me started on how you hate me because you’re jealous that I-”

Billy lunged but Ben was quick on his feet, pulling back. They both stared at each other and Billy wouldn't ever let him finish that sentence. “Don’t. Fucking. Go there.”

Ben just grinned.

As much softer as he was compared to Billy, he still had that same fire deep down, that same twinge of lunacy. It ran in their blood, after all. “Oh? Why? Does it upset you? You had to see it, right? Had to sit back and watch the way Steve moaned my name? The way he begged me to touch him? The way he leaked over my hand, in my mouth, on my-”

Billy threw the first punch.

Ben wasn’t even mad when it landed, when he stumbled back, when he felt blood.

It felt like he won. Like this proved something.

And based on the look on Billy’s face, it did.

"Tell me, Billy, did you feel it!?" Ben cackled and Billy threw another but missed. Billy was bigger, stronger, but Ben was apparently quicker on his feet.

They were both panting - their breathing racing. Billy with his fist clenched like he was waiting for the other man to attack, to fight back, but that wasn’t in his nature. Ben would fight, sure, if he had to. This? This wasn’t that. This was a scared, desperate man unsure of his own feelings and not knowing where to place them. Ben didn't need to fight him. He was fighting himself.

Ben knew guys like him.

Maybe not as far gone, maybe not as dark.

But he knew all the same. The uncertainty. The denial. The want that pooled in the bottom of your soul until it ate away at you each time you tried to supress it.

He stood taller, dabbing at his nose. “You can’t have him.” He said, voice stern, not sounding weak or shy like he used to - when he first kept seeing Billy, when he wanted to be his friend or brother or whatever the fuck he had hoped. “He doesn’t even want you, Billy. You’re a tyrant. I met your sister. You saw that, too, right? The way she talked about you like you were a rabid dog that got put down?”

“She didn’t.” Billy says, teeth biting down, grinding almost. He had heard Max, the way she talked about him now, like she understood him somehow. “She knew more than she let on. She’s grown up she - she realized some shit. She didn’t talk about me like, like what you’re saying.”

And Ben raised an eyebrow.

Billy was cracking, piece by piece, little by little.

He could see it.

The way he had opened up to Steve, the words he let slip out, nearly telling him how he really felt about him all those years. Now? The vulnerability in his voice while he talked about his half sister? He didn’t sound as angry. No.

Ben wanted to poke the bear.

He wanted Billy to fight, to lose it, to be exactly who everyone said he was.

But he didn’t bother.

Because to Ben, this was going to get sorted out.

And Billy would just be some bad dream to look back on.

He straightened, standing up and taking his hand away from his bleeding nose. “Do that shit to me again and I’ll make sure you never see him another time.” He said instead.

“Oh yeah? How do you propose that? Gonna stay away from him? Did you forget so soon about your little headache that just suddenly came on?”

“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to threaten me, control me, blackmail me. I’m sorry that you’re dead but this is my life and I’m going to live it how I want. You can watch and - and maybe I’ll even let you…sometimes..” Ben rubbed his temples like he didn’t know how the hell that would work. How could he let Billy have free reign sometimes? He needed his days. He needed to work. And he hated this place. He hated this.

“Oh so you’ll let me out on good behavior? What, give me an hour? Two!? How generous!”

“I’m going to go to a doctor. I’m going to get rid of you. You can go back to wherever the hell you belong but it’s not here.”

“A doctor.” Billy laughed. “Yeah, they’ll probably just lock you up and throw away the key, good luck with that!”

“I’ll go to a priest! A church! I’ll get a damn exorcism!” The swell of panic could be heard in Ben's words. He was on edge. He'd try anything.

“Do whatever the hell you want but I don’t think I’m going anywhere.” Billy held his hands up. “You think there’s some light I’m suppose to be walking into!? You think I can just disappear now? Newsflash, we’re a part of each other. I’m not pulling you back here - you’re just coming here! I’m not summoning you!”

Ben seemed to falter, like he didn't even fully realize that or think about that part. He just assumed Billy was pulling all the strings. He was scared now, but he wouldn't admit it. “Good." He said. "That’ll make it easier to undo. So enjoy watching all this while it lasts.”

_____

“Steve?” Ben sat up in bed, panicked. It was him. He was back. He was okay.

And he turned and saw Steve curled up next to him.

He exhaled, heart racing, feeling the sheets sticking to his body. He was dripping with sweat.

He touched his nose and, yep, much like wherever he just was - his nose was still bloodied from a punch.

Great.

He laid back down. He wanted to nudge Steve awake. He wanted to say, hey look, I’m here now but he knew Steve needed rest as much as the next guy.

Then a dark realization set in. Had Steve...fallen asleep next to Billy? Next to his piece of shit brother?

Why the hell would he do that? Why was he so comfortable-

But he pushed the thought away. No. That...that probably wasn't intentional. He probably knew when he'd wake up he'd be Ben again, that's all. He was sleeping next to him, not Billy.

Right...?

God, he needed to apologize to him. Apologize for whatever was going on, whatever he was dragging him into. Steve didn’t deserve any of this. He was being harassed by some jackass from beyond the grave and having to put up with him when Ben was gone. Worse, said jackass was apparently also obsessed with him.

It didn’t feel like a crush, whatever Billy had for Steve, he had it bad.

Maybe that’s why Ben was drawn to him so fast.

Maybe it was something shared between them both.

He tucked a strand of hair behind Steve’s ear, letting his finger slide down his jaw.

Or maybe it was just because Steve was beautiful. Probably the hottest guy he’d ever seen.

He had no idea what time it even was. It wasn’t morning. But Billy had passed out sometime in the afternoon - how long had he been asleep?

Ben needed to get ahold of all this and fast. He couldn’t just let them switch every time one of them got tired.

And goddamnit, he couldn't let Steve be a casuality of whatever this was.

Because Ben liked Steve, too.

And it was starting to feel like much more than a crush from his end of it as well.

Chapter Text

The winter Ben’s mother died was the first time he realized adults lie and keep things from you.

It took him a while to grow up and fully realize the scope of things he went through back then. His foster parents were the ones who actually paid for her burial, seeing as she left this earth without even a penny to her name. The little money she had managed to squirrel away and hide from his apparent father was spent in her attempt to get back to Ben, to see him one last time before she passed.

He was up in his bed, reading a comic book. Something heavy weighed in his chest but he didn’t know what it was, he just knew he had to stay awake because this feeling was too big, too much.

He was under the covers with a flashlight when he heard his foster parents talking.

“-That mess of a woman. Coming all the way back here, stirring up problems. He’s going to grow up with this weight on him now because she couldn’t just stay far enough away. Shoulda just stayed away, that’s what she was good for, leavin’.”

His foster mother sounded mad, which was rare. She was usually even tempered and kind. She made him sandwiches with the crust cut off because he didn't like crust. She bandaged his bruises when he fell off his bike. She read to him when the words were too big or the books too heavy.

“Now, Junie…”

“Don’t ‘Now Junie’ me! She abandoned one child for the other and then changed her mind and did it all over again! To think, that poor boy, left alone with his father who knows where. How can a woman just do that? Keep abandoning her children right and left-”

“I’m sure to her it felt necessary at the time. Both times.” His foster father said, clearing his throat. Both of his parents were good people. Really good people.

He knew they weren't really his parents but to him they were.

He didn’t know how he felt about his 'real' mom.

She came out of nowhere, really. It was all a whirlwind that left him kind of confused. His foster mother introducing this woman he didn’t even remember, saying it was his birth mother, and the way the woman grabbed at his face and wept and started apologizing for leaving - like Ben even knew what the heck she was talking about in the first place.

Then it was words. A lot of words. A lot of explanations. How she was sick, how she needed to see her boy again, how she needed him to forgive her.

Ben had looked at his mom (to him, his real mom, Junie) and she gave a tense nod. So Ben forgave her. Even if he didn’t know what he was forgiving her for.

Then the woman was around a lot.

Then suddenly she wasn’t.

His parents sat him down and explained her sickness got worse and that she had died.

Ben wanted to ask if he could go outside and play but he knew from how weird they were being that this was not that time.

Now it seemed like things were tense and weird all the time.

His mom took him to get a suit which was uncomfortable and stiff.

They had to go to watch her casket be lowered into the ground.

They kept telling him it was alright to cry but he didn’t even know what there was to cry about. Yeah, death was scary and sad but it was a part of life and he didn’t even really know that lady so crying for her felt silly.

Now, his parents were whisper arguing which was something that happened very rarely in his life.

“A mother doesn’t pick between their children. She left Ben, and thank god she did because I love that boy and he was better off away from the both of them.” Her voice trembles for a second. “But to come back after leaving his brother to see him? No. She’s not right. Not right in the head.”

“I don’t like it any more than you do. Look, maybe we can reach out to the agency. Try to get some information. Find the other boy.”

“You can’t foster a kid that isn’t up for fostering, Jim.” His mother says. “There’s nothing we can do. It’s out of our hands. Now we just have to live with this…this guilt that Benny’s got a identical brother out there, potentially in danger, god knows where, and that we can’t even help him.”

He doesn’t hear more talking for a bit. He gets up as quietly as he can and tip toes to his bedroom door, looking through the crack to see his parents in the living room. His mom is crying. His father is holding her, rubbing her back.

And Ben has just found out he has a brother.

______

Steve woke up to an aroma of food.

Which was pleasant; before panic set in.

The bed beside him was empty.

Billy or Ben - who would he get?

It was like some fucked up Jekyll and Hyde.

He lingered in the bed, trying to just…take a second.

Who did he even want it to be?

God, what a stupid thought...

Obviously he wanted it to be Ben. They still had so much to talk about. He had missed him, too.

In a perfect world Ben would’ve just shown up and surprised him and they would’ve been giddy and messing around and everything would’ve been easy.

Steve was never someone who knew what a ‘perfect’ world looked like though.

He got up, stepping to his mirror, trying to fix his hair. He sighed. He looked not his best, but even kind of disheveled he pulled off this sort of sleepy cute look so he figured it wasn’t a big deal.

Why am I even thinking about how I look right now when there’s clearly bigger fish to fry?

Speaking of frying fish, his stomach gave a growl.

Right. Smell of food. One of the two guys was in his kitchen, cooking, apparently.

Which made his heart beat a little faster.

Both from the action itself and from not knowing who it was.

It had to be Ben, right?

It had to be.

He padded down his hallway, feeling the cold of the wood floor until he stepped into the kitchen.

“Hey.” His voice sounded a little groggy and he cleared his throat.

The guy at the kitchen counter turned, smiled big.

Ben.

Steve’s stomach flipped again, the butterflies in there fluttering about.

Ben with his smiles and twinkling eyes, with his gentleness.

“Hey yourself.” He said back, turning the burner down and walking over to him. To Steve’s utter surprise, Ben’s hands wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer while he placed a chaste kiss to his lips.

And oh, Steve melted.

He was always someone who needed physical touch. Even in friendships, he was big on hugs, hand holding, cuddling. Something his parents never gave him. Something it seemed maybe he had in common with Hargrove.

God, focus.

Ben pulled away, moving a strand of hair from Steve’s face and looking at him like he was precious. “Should’ve greeted you like that when I first got here but uh, you know. Guess we were kind of busy.” He turns, dropping his hand lightly from his waist and going back to the stove as he continues to talk. “I know all of this is a total shit show, believe me. But for two seconds I thought maybee we could be normal and sit down, have a romantic dinner? Just, take a breath?” Then he turns his head again. “It’s me, by the way. Ben.”

And Steve snorts, which is so uncool so he clamps his hand over his face quickly and looks away as he turns beat red. “Uh, yeah, you think I couldn’t tell?” Steve timidly walks over, looks at the stove in wonder. “Wait so…you’re just…in my kitchen…making dinner?” He looks at the time and his brow furrows. “Jesus, it’s nine? Crap. My job. Max, fuck, she’s probably been calling-”

“I talked to her a little.” Ben says. “Sorry. If that’s weird. The phone kept ringing and I answered it in case it was something important and, well, she definitely wanted to interrogate me without you around. Real chatty.” He laughs a little and Steves stomach twists, wondering what they talked about, what was said.

“She still pissed at me?” Steve asks. He steps over, looking down at the stove. Pasta boiling in water, sauce on the stove.

“Eh, yeah she’s pretending she is. Seems like she’s got a soft spot for you.”

“Yeah, well, I guess I sort of became her stand in brother after everything went down. I had pasta sauce?”

“Yeah. It’s about the only thing you did have. Pasta, pasta sauce, cheese, cereal, expired yogurt. You forget to mention you’re broke or something?” Ben teases, giving him a look that makes Steve want to pepper kisses across his cheeks.

“I just haven’t gone shopping and cooking for one always seems like a waste.”

“Well. You’re not one anymore. Not right now anyway.” He knocks his hip into his a little and Steve laughs. “You got any candles or something? Want to set the table? We’re going for romantic reunion here, remember? Pretend for two seconds that my dead brother isn’t using me like a marionette.”

Steves smile doesn’t reach his eyes but he nods as he walks off. It feels weird to even joke about but he understood needing humor to deflect from certain situations.

He grabs his candelabras that he’s pretty sure he’s never used except for maybe Halloween as ambiance. They were his parents, or maybe even his grandparents, he isn’t sure. He isn’t one to decorate the way his family members used to.

He puts them at the dining room table which he’s also barely ate at. Sometimes when the crew is over they’ll order pizza or various take out and sit around and play board games on it but he’s never hosted anything formal. He wonders what this all looks like to Ben, if it’s at all what he’d pictured of Steve's life.

Next he grabs napkins. Nothing fancy, nothing cloth, just regular napkins and puts silverware on them. Then he pads back into the kitchen as Ben starts plating. “Was your job pissed?”

“Whose there to be pissed? I’m my own boss. Mostly people were just worried but they’re keeping everything up and running for me. It’s no big deal.”

Steve knows it is, but doesn’t argue.

Ben tells him to go sit so he does. He grabs a bottle of wine on the rack and pours some glasses before taking a seat. Then Ben comes out, puts the food down in front of him. It isn’t much, but it’s still nice to have someone cook for him.

When Ben sits, Steve looks at him, trying to study him. “You’re okay? Like, you feel okay?”

Ben starts swirling the pasta around, blowing on it. “I’ve felt better but I’m okay, Steve. Are you okay?”

Huh. What a loaded question. Was he? Okay? He feels okay, but Steve had a way of not processing things while they were happening. If anything this would all probably implode on him somewhere down the line, months later, and he’d go into another mini episode where he shut down and didn’t talk to anyone. It was like he kept going and going until he suddenly couldn’t.

But he just smiles. “Yeah. I’m okay. It’s…weird but it’s okay. I want you to know that I’m not freaked.”

Ben gives him a look.

“Okay, yeah, I mean I kind of am but I’m not running or anything. You have me. You’re not going through it alone, got it? I’m not freaked to the point of bolting, is what I mean.”

Ben is eating his food, quiet and calm. It’s almost weird to Steve. Ben was kind of a wreck the last time he saw him and he expected him to come back and be equally as distraught - especially after Billy tried to keep him gone for so long.

Finally he goes to take a sip of his wine and smiles at him over the glass. “Is it messed up if I say I’m kind of just happy to be near you again?”

And Steve clatters his fork on accident. Like a klutz.

“Maybe I should be thanking Billy, for making me come here.” Ben says with a shrug. “Part of me was thinking I’d never see you again.”

“Is that what you wanted?” Steve asks, trying to act calm. “To never see me again?”

Ben frowns. “Why would you think that? Is that the impression I gave? If it was, I didn’t mean-”

“No, no, it’s fine!” Steve says quickly. “I guess I just felt like maybe you weren’t really too interested in a long distance type thing because you never really talked about making plans or keeping in touch or anything.”

Ben looks a little puzzled, deep in thought. Steve hated that he was thinking of how to respond. He wanted Ben to just speak freely, to talk from the heart, but he was clearly sitting there as if he had to be careful and he hated that.

Billy was like the total opposite. He never thought before he spoke. His words just flew.

“Just because you were forced to come here doesn’t mean you have to lie. If you kind of wanted it to be a summer fling you can say that. I’m a big boy, you won’t upset me.” Steve said, grasping his wine and taking a quick gulp. Hell, that’s what Steve thought it was from the beginning. He always thought that’s all it was.

It wasn’t until he got home, back to the mundane, that the loss of Ben hit him so damn much.

“It isn’t that I wanted it to be a fling, it’s just I didn’t see how it could be anything more than that.” Ben’s voice is gentle, as is his gaze. “I love Cali. We just met. I wasn’t ready to up and move to Indiana and I’m pretty sure you weren’t about to just move down there after a few weeks, despite how amazing they were.”

Steve looks down at his food, curling it around his fork, taking a bite.

“Steve.” Ben says, trying to coax him out of the wall he has up. “Hey, you said you were going to come back, remember? Said you were a surfer now and couldn’t let all that effort go to waste. I believed you, fully, too. Figured maybe you’d come back every summer or something and we could just see where it went from there.”

“Yeah.” Steve dismisses, shrugging it off. “It’s cool. It just feels like you’re trying to be sweet to me because you feel like you need to be so I don’t bail or something so I just wanted to let you know I wouldn’t do that. You don’t need to show interest in me to make sure I stick around to help out. I’m in this now, too. Always have been.”

Ben put his fork down deliberately loud and Steve looked up at him quickly, his own fork with past halfway to his mouth as he stared.

“Is that what you think I’m doing? That I’m just being ‘sweet to you’ because I want something from you? What the fuck, Steve? What about when you were staying with me? When we were together and I’d do nice things for you? What, exactly, was I wanting from you then?”

Oh. Oops. He angered him. Steve didn’t really mean to do that but he had a bit of a sarcastic bratty attitude that came out when he least expected it and now it was manifesting in a more self deprecating way it seemed.

“Uhhhhh….seeex…?” He replied nervously.

Ben pushed his chair back and stood in such a way that Steve was sure he was about to bolt and tell him to fuck off.

But instead he took long steps over to him, grabbed him by the face, and kissed him so hard Steve thinks he may have felt blood.

Maybe felt blood, but definitely saw stars.

The electricity was still there.

The kiss felt familiar and needed and perfect.

And when Ben broke away, he whispered in his ear.

“Still think I don't actually want to be here?”

Steve just looked at him, food forgotten, as he stood up and took the other mans hand to lead him to his bedroom.

He could reheat the pasta later.

Chapter Text

Max felt like she was going crazy.

She still hadn’t heard from Steve or Ben, so she had taken the opportunity to call them herself.

She was never really known for her patience, and she wasn't going to suddenly decide to have some today.

And when she got Ben on the line she was…well, rethinking the entire anxious phone call.

He told her Steve was exhausted and resting and she said she'd call back, awkwardly, but he insisted it was okay and that she didn't need Steve's supervision to talk to him.

It surprised her. She wasn't sure why, it just felt like he was being...attentive, knowing she was anxious and needed this. Still, she was kind of unsure. It just felt weird. Especially without Steve there to mediate.

But within a few minutes Ben had calmed her down and made her feel at ease.

Hell, she even lowered her walls enough to muffle a laugh here and there. He found a common barrier between them with California and they made small talk, of all things, about it. It was crazy that they both had lived there at the same time and had no idea. Maybe anothe reason why Neil just had to suddenly up and leave so quickly.  

When she finally felt comfortable enough, she fell back into what she wanted to talk about, which was...well, Billy.

She found Ben was easy to talk to.

Really easy to talk to. 

She got why Steve liked the guy and seemed to buddy up with him so quickly. It almost nagged her, wishing Steve had maybe tried to buddy up with Billy back then instead. Maybe if he had someone as good as Steve in his life, everything wouldn't have gone to shit.

But she knew wishful thinking was stupid.

Still, talking to Ben now, regardless of how nice he was felt strange.

Because his voice was Billy’s but not.

It stirred something weird in her heart. She knew this wasn’t her stepbrother but at the same time it felt like a part of her was having an open, honest to god conversation with Billy, which was…something that was few and far between for them when he was alive.

She wishes she could’ve talked to him more.

But she was so young and he was such a huge jerk.

Talking was the last thing on her mind growing up, especially to Billy. She just wanted to always be away from him, as far as possible, away from her entire family and among people who understood her. Even back in California she kept out of his way and would run off as soon as she could to hang out with her friends instead.

She was worried in Hawkins she wouldn’t even have friends, worried she’d have to actually hang out with Billy.

Now she’d give anything to just be able to talk to him again.

And it was like she was now...on this phone call.

“I promise, when things are more settled I’ll have Steve call and we can all sit down and talk.” Ben’s easy voice had assured her. “I want to talk just as much as you do, believe me. I don’t know anything about the guy except for what Steve told me and if anyone knows him, I’m sure it was you.”

Max knows it wasn’t suppose to make her feel bad, but it did.

Because she didn’t know Billy. She's not sure anyone did. Not sure anyone tried hard enough to.

She spent so much time after his death psychoanalyzing his every move, his actions when he was alive, that she was starting to think she knew him better now than she ever had when he was living.

But she kept quiet, agreed they would talk and to have Steve set something up, and disconnected.

She told Lucas all about the phone call later that night and he was understanding as always, despite a bit erratic towards it all, which was his way.

Lucas looked out for her. That was just what he did. Max would be rushing into something and Lucas would be chasing after, not telling her 'no' but just keeping her grounded and protected - not that she needed protecting either..., but still. He was there for her. In any way she needed him to be.

Tried and true.

Still, when he jumped up to grab the phone to call Dustin and tell him all about it, she stopped him immediately. “You are not getting the gang together when I haven’t even gotten a chance to figure it out myself!” She protested, defenses instantly up.

“Awh but come on, Max. We have to tell everyone about this, it’s huge! There's a disturbance in the force!"

“Obviously, dingus, but let me just…deal with it first, okay? Before everyone else rushes in. Let me just…”

“I know.” Lucas says as she struggles to form the words or thoughts. He looks at her and she just knows. He understands. He always does. What they had between them often didn’t need words. “You’re right, we’ll, uh, take it a day at a time.” He sits back down beside her, unpausing their show. “Just know when Dustin gets pissed at me I’m telling him it’s your fault.” And he kisses the side of her head, arm going around her to pull her back in.

Max just needed some time. Some time with Ben, some time to talk, some time to…adjust.

She just didn’t know what was taking them so damn long.

_________________

“Ben, hey, slow down, are you sure-” But Steve is cut off with a finger to his lips. His eyes go a little heavy in response to the action, a little lust-filled as he chooses instead of being silenced to take the finger into his mouth and give it a timid suck. Ben lets out a low groan, hips rucking forward against him. It wasn't that Steve wanted him to stop he just was pretty sure they should talk about all this first. He was, however, not great at restraint. 

“What a good boy you are.” Ben’s voice whispers in the darkness of the bedroom. “You just want to be good for me, hm? Missed me, didn’t you?”

Steve gives a lazy smile. He was worried about this when Ben had rearrived on the scene. Given everything going on, he didn’t know if jumping into hooking up was exactly the best option but he couldn’t pretend he didn’t want to. He was a man. Just a normal man with normal needs and when the most gorgeous person he’s ever seen is so eager to be with him, how was Steve going to turn that down?

“Missed you, yeah.” He manages to reply, voice already getting breathless. He’s underneath Ben, and they’re both just rutting against each other lazily, like they aren’t fully there yet but need something just to distract the ache. “Didn’t expect to miss you as much as I did. But I did. I really, really did.”

Steve leans up, taking a lick at Ben's neck and then turning it to gentle suckling at the skin as Ben cages himself lower to give him better access. “Missed you too. Course. How could I not? Like all the color left as soon as you did.”

“Still such a sap…” Steve says, grinning against his skin.

“You bring it out of me.” Ben mutters huskily as he pulls away and starts undoing Steve’s jeans for him. Steve arches up so he can shimmy his clothes down and Ben tugs but suddenly stops, letting out a hiss as his hand flies to his head.

“Ben?” Steve’s voice is instantly worried and he’s up without a second thought. “Hey, hey you okay?”

“Fucking headache.” Ben rasps out with a weak laugh. He’s looking at Steve but he’s not, like he’s focused on something else. “I’m doing right by him. He wants this. Going to make him happy. Isn't that what you want?”

Steve blinks. His hand comes back. “Uhhhh…” Going to do right by him?  Who him? Steve? Who the hell was Ben talking to?

Okay, yeah, again, Steve wasn’t stupid. He knew who he was talking to...

Ben's words must have worked because his face relaxes and his hand goes away, like the pain is gone. He goes to resume, going to push Steve back down but Steve stops him - putting his hand on his chest. “Uh. We going to talk about that?”

“No.” Ben says, and his smirk is devious like he doesn’t care and to not worry about it. Like he just wants to bed Steve as if he isn’t talking to his own twin brother out loud.

“Ben.” Steve sits up, putting the blanket over his lap, feeling exposed. “Can…can he see us?” He decides to not say his name, feeling like saying it out loud in this moment would somehow ruin something.

Ben gives a half hearted shrug. “He can always see us.”

What?

“Hang on, wait.” Steve is sitting up straighter now and grabbing at the blanket to bring it higher around his body. “He can see? Right now? He’s watching?”

“Stevie, sh, let’s just-”

“Wow, okay please don’t try to shut me up right now. Please don’t try to fuck me when you have a goddamn audience in your head!” He doesn’t mean to get worked up but he hates the way Ben is trying to act like this isn’t a big deal. It is a big deal. It’s a huge deal. It’s a huge, scary, overwhelming deal.

“I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m not being fair, it’s not fair to you, I just…god, I want you.”

Two seconds ago that would've had him swooning but given the circumstances, it's not working. “Do you?? This whole romantic dinner and turning on the charm and getting me into bed - are you just trying to piss him off?”

Ben’s eyes go dark for a second. It’s in a way that’s so similar to Billy’s it gives Steve goosebumps. “Are you seriously suggesting that?” He comes forward, crowding Steve’s space, making him push against the headboard. “You accused me of using you for sex, of not actually wanting you, and now you’re accusing me of using you to try to make him jealous?” His breathing is deep, labored. “It seems to me you keep comparing me to him. Confusing me with him? I’m not that asshole, Steve. I wouldn’t do that. I would never do anything against you. I won’t play games. I won’t do that.”

Steve looks over his face. It’s Ben. He know it’s Ben. It’s just like pieces of Billy are bleeding in, like now that Billy is around, parts of his personality are mixing together with Ben’s. Hadn’t he seen that same softness Ben has in Billy? Now it was like Billy’s quiet rage was breathing life into his brother.

Their bloodline is fucked. He can't help but think quietly. 

Ben’s eyes soften, he dips his head, gathering his breathing. “You’re not just some guy I met and fucked around with. You’re not just a fun distraction for me. Okay? I’m not asking for your hand in marriage but is it so hard to believe that I like you?”

Steve reaches his hand out, cupping his cheek. He doesn’t know if he’s the problem actually. He’s the one bringing up shit that keeps making everything messy. He’s the one who keeps speaking without thinking. “I’m sorry.” Ben looks at him when Steve says it. “I guess I’m just not used to someone sticking around and I’m scared you’re only here because you have to be. I’m insecure as fuck, okay?” He gives a hurt laugh. “I always have been. I just hide it behind all the hair.”

Ben’s lips twitch at the joke and he comes forward, giving him a soft kiss. When he pulls away his blue eyes are sparkly and kind. His thumb smears over Steve’s lip, smiling a little to himself. Steve could tell he still wanted him but was being good, and god, he was thankful for it. “Alright. Let’s talk about it, okay? Yeah, he can somehow…see. It’s like we share eyes. I don’t know how else to explain it. I saw when he was me, too.” Then he shakes his head. “God, what a weird thing to say...”

“And he…gave you head pain? Like when he kind of sent you here?”

“Yeah. I don’t think he appreciates me touching you - ow! Fucker!” He touched his head again. “Clearly he also doesn’t like me spilling his shady little fucking secrets, you bitch!” Then he looked down at Steve again, wide eyed. “Not you, oh god, obviously not you.”

Steve tensed his jaw, looking at Ben. He didn't know if he should do this, but he felt the need to. “Billy, stop.”

...........

It was weird.

He didn’t like it.

He didn’t like talking to Billy through Ben's eyes. He didn’t like that they were both one.

There's a second of hesitance, but then Ben sighs like it worked.

“Thanks.” Ben says, sighing. “He’s such a brat, I swear to god. Like a kid having a tantrum-”

“Maybe don’t piss him off.” Steve said quickly, waiting for another shoot of pain to blind him again. “But, uh, I don’t think I’m exactly…comfortable…doing anything with you when he can see.” His voice lowered and he knew it was stupid. Whispering wouldn’t change anything. Billy was there, in his head or soul or who knows where.

“I get that…yeah…” Ben sat back, touching the back of his neck. “If it’s any consolation he stopped before when I brought up the fact that I was just trying to make you happy. I really think he’s okay with it.”

“I, uh, I don’t know, Ben…”

“Here. Watch. We’ll ask him. We can do that, right?” Ben puts his arms out, talking to the sky like Billy is god. “Hey, Billy, o’brother o’mine. May I so kindly ravage this hot little piece of ass due to him being high strung and anxious and needing someone to take care of him? If not, gimmie one of those obnoxious head pains of yours.”

Steve inhales sharply, looking at Ben like he’s insane, and he watches as Ben almost winces like he’s ready for one but…nothing happens.

Ben smiles down at him deliciously. “See? Approval.”

Steve was almost in disbelief. He was lost for words. Literally. He just gawked, because, what the fuck. Billy was okay with being forced to watch them fool around?

Suddenly, something worse hits him.

The fact that Billy apparently must’ve been witness to it before - before any of this happened, before they knew he was there...

Unless this is a recent discovery? Maybe Billy and Ben just started being able to do this?

God, he’d have to ask Billy. He should make a list. A whole list of questions and things to ask and, ugh, there was so much to go over and figure out and

and Ben was still sitting there.

Looking at him.

Smiling.

Waiting.

“Oh.” Steve says, forgetting he never spoke. “Sorry, Ben, I just…I don’t think I can. I’ve never…” he exhales. “Being with a guy in general is new to me but having someone watch? Can’t say I’ve ever done that before either.”

Ben doesn’t deflate, doesn’t argue. Hell, he’s still smiling soft and kind at him. “Totally get that. You sure, though? Nothing? I could blow you or-”

“Nothing.” Steve says quickly. “I just can’t. It’s too weird.”

Ben plops next to him, head sharing the same pillow. “So…I guess we partake in celibacy while this goes on, then?”

“Oh god.” Steve murmurs, shutting his eyes. The thought of having Ben here, in his bed, in his life, in his world but not being able to be with him felt like cruel and unusual punishment. “No? I don’t know.”

“We could…try some new things?” Ben offers, picking up Steve’s hand and lacing it with his own. He nuzzles into his side, his nose against his neck. “You could blindfold me?” He whispers, and Steve’s eyes shoot back open at that.

“Blindfold you? Seriously?” He says with a small laugh. “I don’t know if that’ll really help. There’s still noises. Sounds.”

“We could make a game out of it. You blindfold me. We have to be quiet…” Ben bites Steve’s neck and he lets out a little gasp, causing Ben to chuckle. “Might be a really hard game for you, though.”

“Shut up.” He says, smiling, liking the teasing. Things with Ben always felt so easy before all this started. He wanted to tell him he was glad he was back, too, but something about being that real when he knew someone else was watching just felt…weird.

“Just think about it.” Ben said, kissing his knuckles as he laid back down against him. “We can take it slow. See how it goes.”

Steve is thinking about it. Because, goddamnit, somehow he still wants him. The ache hasn’t gone away it was just muffled, distilled. “What would I even blindfold you with?” He asked, voice cracking a little.

“Oh sweetheart.” Ben’s lips curled. “Where do I even begin?”