Work Text:
Logic, as a function, was always present.
That was what he had told Virgil so long ago to calm him, explaining that he was never fully out of the conversation, that he was always there to some degree within Thomas, no matter his own physical presence.
Back then, it had meant that Virgil did not need to worry, that he had not actually left him there alone with Thomas and the others, an assurance that he could not leave even if he had wanted to, not in the way that Virgil had once tried to, anyway.
It had not been a significant or important conversation, barely a conversation at all even, and yet lately Logan had been remembering it, thinking his own words over, unable to get them out of his mind.
‘I’m not a feeling, I’m the physical representation of something deeply embedded within you. Even if it seems like I’m gone, I’ll always be there to a degree.’
Those words, once a reassurance towards someone else now seemed like nothing more than a taunt, as if the very subconscious was laughing at him, because he might as well not be.
It didn’t matter if logic was always present within Thomas, clearly not as everyone involved preferred pretending as if he was not there at all, with or without his physical, actual presence. Logan was not sure if he could even properly recall the last time he had genuinely felt that he, that logic–present or not–had gotten the chance to have any real impact.
It had never been easy for them all to work together and solve Thomas’ problems, to guide him correctly and towards the best resolutions when they were so many different facets of his personality and with such differing opinions of what was best for Thomas and what he should aim for.
No, it had never been easy, but it had used to be possible, through arguing and debating and pleading maybe, but still doable, but lately when Logan stood there in his spot next to the stairs he had found himself wondering what the point was.
He was tired of arguing until they could no longer choose to ignore him, he was tired of no one listening, he was tired of no one caring that he was a vital part of their whole.
Because he was a vital part, Thomas would have no way of functioning properly without him, so why did it seem that no one else could see it? Why did he have to work so hard to help Thomas, to be heard at all?
Logan was so tired.
And he was always there, to a degree.
He did not have the same choices as certain other sides, the possibility to disappear, to remove himself from the equation, so there was no use in asking himself if events would unfold the same if he could, if they would come after him, saying that they had realized that he was important, that they needed him.
Logan wished that he thought that they would surprise him.
But either way, it was not a choice that he had to begin with, his only choice was to keep trying. Except… except that Logan was not sure how to anymore.
He was doing most of his usual work on auto-pilot, somehow keeping up with it even if he did not understand where he found the energy for it, constantly with the nagging feeling that he was running on empty. It was manageable, for now, he supposed as he was still doing it, but there was another part to his job as Thomas logic, a more crucial, important one.
Just because he as logic was always somewhat present did unfortunately not mean that the part where he showed up in person was not needed.
Naturally his influence as his function was the strongest the closer he was working with their host, but what with how it usually went nowadays Logan found it harder to bring himself to appear for Thomas each time that he had to. No one listened anyway, so what was the point?
All showing up for Thomas and for his issues did was tire him, further cement the fact of how little he was valued as a side. He had been trying so hard, brainstorming different ways to appear and share his knowledge with the other sides, looking for a way for them to stand him long enough to hear what he was saying, and he could not keep doing it.
But there was nothing else to do, was there?
…Or, there was one other possible option, he supposed, but it was one that Logan had tried hard not to entertain ever since it had been offered to him.
Months ago, during the filming of a video Logan had made his appearance as speech-bubbles in the hopes that the other sides, and especially Thomas, might find him easier to listen to that way, less… whatever it was that made him so unbearable to everyone.
Needless to say his attempt had been futile and ending in nothing short of complete disappointment, Patton ignoring him and Roman slashing his speech-bubble with his sword. And then Janus’ crook had appeared to yank him out of there, giving himself the opportunity to take Logan’s place, disguise himself and appear as him.
Janus had asked before doing so, pulling Logan away from the miserable failure of it all and asked if he would like to stay behind, to let him take his face and take his place in this discussion, and Logan did not doubt for a moment that Janus had done it for his own gain, for his own purposes and reasons that he knew nothing of and had no reason to trust, but he had found himself agreeing anyway.
Naturally they both acted like that was not the case once he did return after Janus had done the impossible and gotten through to Thomas. Otherwise the others might have thought that he and Janus were working together, which was not the case, not really.
And in that instance Janus had done a good job, and he had played the role of logic well, convincingly enough that not even Thomas had realized until Janus revealed himself.
And then afterwards Janus had appeared in Logan’s room to apologize for how he had pulled him out with no warning, while Logan had only shrugged and wondered to himself what it was that Janus really wanted, because he never really understood the other sides and even less the deceitful one, and he did so no more as Janus had offered to step in for Logan again, if he ever wanted him to, and had then left.
Obviously Logan had disregarded it immediately, telling himself rightfully so that he could not let someone else step in for him. Only he could really do the work of logic properly, and he and Janus were not always on the same side when it came to Thomas.
Those were only two of many reasons that Logan had come up with why he could not as much as entertain the thought of the offer, reasons that had meant less and less to him as the months had passed.
And now there he was, the next big issue having loomed over them all for the past week, and Logan knew it was today they were helping Thomas deal with it, he had been the one to put the schedule together after all.
He had no real reason not to feel prepared, and yet Logan was awaiting it with more dread than he would have thought he had the ability to feel, only becoming more and more aware of how little he wanted this, feeling for the first time that he genuinely could not do it.
He could not appear for Thomas and pretend that he thought his presence did any good, that he even had the faintest chance to be heard this time, that he did not notice how little the other sides wanted him there.
But he could not not show up, then all of a sudden they would notice it, ask where he had been and insinuate that he did not care for Thomas or for his job, which of course he did but he simply could not put himself through this again, not today, and he had not been able to stop thinking about Janus’ offer, that he had an option not to do it.
They could simply… swap.
Just this once, at least. He could let Janus step in for him, swap places, let Janus give him just a little longer to gather himself, to maybe feel ready for the next time he was needed.
Logan had been debating it with himself all morning, reminding himself over and over that he did not know what Janus got out of his end of such a deal, of what he would use Logan to say or do, or if it would even convince the other sides. He did not even know if he and Janus were on the same page when it came to the problem at hand.
And yet despite that Logan found himself in the dark sides’ part of the mindscape, standing outside of Janus’ door ready to take his chances if it just meant that he got himself out of it.
It was not an easy thing to bring himself to knock on Janus’ door, but he did, even if he had not yet managed to decide what he would even say to Janus, or quite come to terms with how pathetic he was about to be, but it was no good standing around there until either of the dark sides stumbled upon him anyway.
The door swung open smoothly and silently nearly as soon as he did knock, removing any chance that Logan had had to change his mind, and just that was almost a relief, that there was no turning back, not without Janus knowing that he was lying about why he was there.
Janus appeared in his doorway, not as much as raising his eyebrows or frowning as his eyes fell on Logan, a sight that should have come as more of a surprise as it was the first time that Logan had ever come all this way to see him.
Something about the way Janus was looking at him made Logan feel as if his presence was nothing but predictable, as if Janus saw right through him, saw exactly how desperate he was to show up there.
“You have been expecting me, haven’t you?” Logan said after a beat of silence, and he hoped that the words had not sounded as weary to Janus as they had to him.
“It took you longer than I had anticipated, I will give you that.” Janus said, looking him over still with that same expression, and Logan stepped past him and into his room just to feel less scrutinized, deciding to take Janus’ words as an invitation and not wanting to consider them further.
He could barely believe that he was actually going to have this conversation, and he was definitely not having it where anyone else might hear.
Janus had his door shut with a wave of a gloved hand, then gestured Logan towards his couch. Having nothing else to do and wanting any excuse not to have to speak just yet Logan crossed the room, taking a seat.
Janus remained standing in front of him, no doubt waiting for him to speak despite how Logan was sure that Janus already knew why he was there, and he wished he did not actually have to ask for it. The fact that he was taking him up on a freely given offer did not make him feel any better about accepting it in the first place.
But he felt that he had no choice, and he could not–would not–back out now, needing Janus’ agreement before they would start to wonder what was taking him so long and try to summon him.
“Swap places with me.” He said, urged on by his own dread at the mere thought of having to appear for Thomas just to spend another afternoon arguing and asking himself why he had even gotten out of bed.
“Take my place. Please, I- …I don’t want to deal with this today.” He continued, leaving out the part where he thought it had more to do with that he actually could not rather than that he did not want to, and by some miracle his voice remained steady enough, only wavering slightly right at the end and Logan wondered if it counted as a lie, especially as he could not picture himself dealing with it any other day either.
Just the way he had not been able to get a word in at breakfast today had left him nearly brittle, as if any little thing would incapacitate him completely, make him reach some sort of impending breaking point, if this whole thing was not proof that it had come already.
“Okay.” Janus said, unhesitatingly, and Logan had been entirely unsure what to expect of him, not that he ever did but especially now, especially as he was asking for something like this, but at the very least he had expected more questions, or any questions, or anything but immediate agreement.
“Thank you.” Logan said quietly, looking away because he was feeling so instantly relieved that it was nearly overwhelming, although a relief that came with no small amount of shame, because that was the absolute last way he, logic, should be feeling about this whole thing.
He was not… functioning the way he should lately, Logan knew this, but he did not think he could do anything about it, because what was the point of logic when not heard? It removed the entire purpose of him, and what was he without purpose?
“They won’t know what hit them. Or who, more like.” Janus said with what Logan realized was a smile, one he was distracted from immediately as Janus stepped closer, reaching for a brightly yellow blanket that was draped over the couch and wrapping it around Logan instead.
Then he summoned up a pair of headphones in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, handing them over to Logan, and despite never knowing what to expect of Janus he still found himself almost bewildered by this odd turn.
“How about you catch up on some rest while I’m gone. No one will look for you here.” Janus told him, and there was something very reassuring about that promise and about the warmth from the cup in his hands and the weight of the blanket.
And then with a snap of his fingers Janus had himself change, his clothes swapped for duplicates of Logan’s own, scales disappearing, irises changing, until he stood there as Logan’s exact copy. It was almost eerie to see, and Logan watched Janus as he stepped in front of his mirror to fix his tie and his hair and summoned himself a pair of glasses identical to Logan’s own.
Janus turned back around, showing Logan a small smile that looked unfamiliar to see on his own face before sinking out, leaving Logan to stare at the spot where he had stood for several long seconds.
Then he looked down at the items Janus had handed him, at the soft blanket that he had draped him with, and no matter what Janus might get out of this deal between them it did not explain his unexpected …kindness.
Maybe his own gain was not the reason for his offer, but Logan could not understand what else it was either and he quickly decided that it was not worth trying to figure out now, slowly putting the headphones on instead, blinking in surprise as they automatically started to play his favorite audiobook.
Logan glanced around the room, Janus’ room, as he leaned back into the couch cushions, unsure how Janus even knew such things as his favorite book or–by the smell of it–his favorite tea. He sipped it, feeling how his shoulders untensed, and he sighed in something strangely close to contentment.
It was not easy to let go of everything to do with Thomas and the other sides, even when he was not a part of it and did not want to be, and it was not easy to grapple with the relief of getting to sit this one out, but for the first time in a long while Logan felt as if he had a moment to breathe.