Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

That One’s Just A Weed

-One. Year.

-Every day exactly like the last one. 

-It was honestly inexplicable how Jax hadn’t abstracted yet. With him spending every day just sitting in his room, left with his thoughts, Jax himself wasn’t sure how he was still here. This was the first time he’d stepped outside his room in weeks. Oh sure, his mind played tricks on him, making him think his hand or ear was glitching, or that the yellow in his eyes had multi-colored-rings around it and his never-ending nightmare was finally over.

-But it wasn’t so.

-Never was.

“JAX!!!!! I HAVE A NEW ADVENT-”

“No.”

-Jax didn’t even look up from the ground. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked to anyone, the last time he’d cracked a smile.

-Chances were a year ago.

“But JAX! I planned this adventure JUST FOR YOU!!!”

-Caine sounded indignant. Lucky him.

-He had someone to be upset at.

-Jax had lost that privilege a year ago.

“Yea, well I don’t care.”

-And he didn’t. He couldn’t. He didn’t care about the new adventure, or the ‘fantastical’ AI, or holding a funeral for those he’d cared for. 

-It was just too painful.

-Caine suddenly floated right in-front of Jax, hovering upside down. Jax couldn’t remember the last time anyone had looked him in the eye since he’d ruined everythi—

“You can’t spend all your time doing nothing! Where’s the story? The energy?”

-Bubble’s head floated beside Caine’s.

“NOT TO MENTION THE SE-”

“I don’t care.”

-Jax got to his feet, trying to ignore how distant he felt from his actions. Sidestepping Caine and Bubble, Jax made his way down to the hall. Anything was better than this. His footsteps rang in his ears, reminding him of how hollow they sounded. He knew why.

-There had always been someone else walking around as well. Caine didn’t walk; he just floated in mid-air, as did Bubble. Jax was alone.

-Really alone.

-Jax could feel his digital hands start to shake, causing him to shove them into his overall pockets. One whole year alone, but he still hadn’t broken his habit of being a little {%#*$!} and not showing vulnerability. Old habits die hard, especially in this {@!#*}hole.

Thump.

-Jax’s head flew up at the noise, only to realize it was his foot bonking against Pomni’s door. Wait; Pomni’s?

-Jax lifted his gaze to the icon on the door, feeling his heart clench when he saw Pomni’s face with her big eyes, a final ‘X’ crossing her out.

-Jax still remembered what her icon looked like without it. Still remembered her. Barely. The first month had involved him frequently stopping by her door, committing to memory every detail and then filling in the spots the ‘X’ had crossed out and the pieces her door’s icon didn’t include. After six months, he’d taken his key to Gangle’s room and stolen her sketchpad, determined to prove to himself he remembered the missing details. As it was, art wasn’t his thing. The drawing had been off-proportion, her hands too small and her legs were different sizes. But the worst was her eyes.

-Her eyes had gotten smudged, ink smearing the pinwheels she’d had for eyes. The smudges caused him to only see what her eyes had looked like when she’d abstracted, the multiple colors filling and swallowing her blue-and-red eyes. He’d torn the sketch out, crumpling it and tossing the book back into Gangle’s room, breaking into deranged laughter at how far he’d sunken in his solitude.

-He could still hear himself sobbing, choking it back to turn into a laugh.

-As if faking it would bring her back.

-Bring them all back.

-It didn’t.

-Jax turned away from Pomni’s door, walking back to his own. The icon his door had, the icon of him giving his {@!#*}-eating grin, it just made him want to hit something. Instead, he turned to the knob and entered his room, barely shutting the door before his legs buckled. He surveyed the mess his room was, the mess he hadn’t bothered to organize. The keys stayed hung up on the wall; he had no need for them anymore. Two framed pictures sat on a small table, but only one stood tall; the other had been turned down, the photo hidden. The first was the photo of him with Pomni he’d originally thrown away in the trash; after Pomni’s abstraction, he’d managed to recover it, framing it to help him remember. 

-But it had become too painful to remember, causing him to turn the frame down.

-The second one, the upright one, was a simple picture of him.

-With Ribbit.

“Hey, Hoppy! Get on in here!”

“Only if you stop calling me that!”

“Hmmmm, gee, let me think on that one; NOPE!”

-Jax still remembered their laugh, the way their eyes had lighted up at the way he’d so casually swung his arm around them to get them in the picture. Ribbit had seemed so happy in that moment, so carefree.

-What. A {&^$?}ing. JOKE.

-All of it.

-It had only been six days before Jax had gone to check up on Ribbit, opening their door to find his friend had abstracted, all their multicolored eyes swiveling to face him.

-He’d lost track of how long ago that was.

-The others, however; the others, he remembered.

-Ragatha, surprisingly, had been first. Jax shouldn’t have been surprised; he should’ve said something about how her positive attitude led her to the cellar. But he hadn’t. Couldn’t. The words had been locked in his throat when he remembered Ragatha asking Pomni the question that caused it, a question he’d overheard her ask not too long after the ‘Lightning Round’ adventures.

“Hey, Pomni, just out of curiosity, which person is it that you’re closest to? I want to make sure you’re adjusting okay.”

“I don’t know, you’re all my friends, but if I had to say one…I’d maybe say Jax; he makes me laugh.”

-Jax had peeked from behind the play-block to see Ragatha placing her hand on Pomni’s shoulder.

“Well, this is awkward to break to you, but, you see, Pomni…Jax doesn’t really count.”

“W-what? Why?”

“Well, look at all that he does! Gangle is in constant agony because of him, he consistently causes Kinger, Zooble, and I numerous issues and annoyances, all in the name of ‘ it’s funny’, and I’m worried about what he’ll do next. He denies he feels anything but joy at causing pain and chaos! Are you really sure about him? I mean, he doesn’t act like a person anymore; just a toy.”

-Jax felt his fists clench, and before he knew it, he was marching his way over, smile already in place.

“Heyyy Raggy!” Jax briefly placed a hand on Pomni’s head, only to lift it when he saw her flinch. He opted to limply flip one of the bells on the ends of her hat.

“Glad to see you found ol’ Pomni here; I was looking for her.”

-Ragatha narrowed her eyes.

“Really.”

“Yea. Now, if you don’t mind-or do, I don’t care-, I have business to take care of. C’mon Pomni.” Jax turned on his heel, walking away with confidence in his stride. Pomni’s footsteps told him she was following him. Good.

-There was no need for Ragatha’s nonsense anyway.

(But what if she’s right?)

-Jax felt a broken smile flit across his face at the memory, a time where smiles had come for a reason other than breaking into laughter to chase the tears and screams away. A time where he could’ve wondered anywhere in the circus and heard someone other than a digital denture in a suit. It had been so, so easy to simply ignore and deny any semblance of humanity when there was someone to whom he could deny it.

-But here, alone, Jax had no choice but to confront it; and he’d had plenty of time to do so.

-What he wouldn’t give to see one of them, any of them, to tell them he was sorry.

-But he couldn’t. And there was a good chance that if any of them returned, he would act like normal. 

-And it was so frustrating.

Thump thump thump

-Jax could feel the vibrations of the knocking on his door, but, given he already knew who it was, he remained silent. Caine would speak up anyways; telling him off or making some joke didn’t work anymore; he didn’t have the heart to.

“Heyyy, Jax; You’ve seemed awfully quiet and..well, distant as of late.”

-Jax gave a small huff.

“Coulda fooled me.”

-A small rustling noise sounded from the other side of the door, though Jax couldn’t have been bothered to figure it out; chances were Caine was trying to find something to pull out of his suit and entice Jax to participate in his ‘New personalized adventure’ or something. 

-Hadn’t worked for the past year; what made Caine think it would work this time was beyond him.

“Now Jax, I really do think the adventure could help you take your mind off things; might help you cheer up.”

-Jax felt his digital blood freeze. Was this walking orthodontist model serious? Before Jax could react, he was suddenly on his feet and opening his door.

“Do I look like I’m in the mood to be cheered up?” The venom in his voice was harsher than Jax ever remembered, but it worked to the point that Caine seemed embarrassed. Good. He wanted Caine to be embarrassed so he’d leave him alone. The last thing Jax wanted was to deal with this. Caine glanced to the side for a moment before back to Jax.

“Welll, when you put it like that, it sounds like the answer is no. BUT-”

“Caine stop, okay? Just. stop.” The venom resurfaced in Jax’s tone, but the next words he spoke lacked it completely, lacked anything but longing.

“It’s been a whole year; your adventures didn’t appeal after everyone abstracted and they definitely won’t now. They won’t help, okay?” 

-Caine’s body seemed to limply float in the air as Jax spoke.

“You really want to help?”

-Caine seemed to perk up, nodding.

“Then leave. Me. Alone.”

-Jax watched as the energy in Caine’s body died, leaving the oh-so-exuberant ringleader looking hopeless.

“Everyone is gone. There’s nothing new to do, nothing to actually do. I wouldn’t wish this fate upon anyone, so that just leaves me here, alone. So let me be.”

-With that, Jax slammed his door shut, not bothering to watch Caine react to this. After a moment, he heard Caine hover off, the sound all that filled Jax’s stupid {&^$?}ing rabbit ears as his legs gave out, sending him sliding down to the floor, his back against the door. He shut his eyes, determined not to cry as his reality-check to Caine mostly hurt him, and he was resolute in not crying like an emotional {%#*$!}.

-He failed.

-Miserably.

Chapter Text

-Jax felt his eyes pop open before his brain caught up. He was still leaning against the door. {&^$?}, had he seriously cried himself to sleep? Geez, he was out of wack. His right ear twitched, and it was only then that he realized that Caine was talking; no, pleading with someone. That was strange.

“I DON’T CARE! YOU FIX IT OR I WILL RIP OUT EVERY ONE OF YOUR TEETH AND MAKE YOUR WALKING SOAP DISPENSER EAT THEM!”

-And that was even more strange. 

-Wait.

-A.

-Second.

-He didn’t recognize that voice.

-Not in all his years at the circus. And no NPC had ever yelled at Caine, nor had Caine ever begged.

-That could only mean one thing. 

-No. Not someone else.

-But it was the only explanation.

-He had to be sure.

-Jax got to his feet, trying(and failing) to ignore the way his legs shook. Didn’t matter; he could deal with it later. Caine was still talking, and as Jax got closer, the words came clearer.

“You see, you have arrived in an incredible world of wonders! Why would you want to leave?”

-Jax heard the ringmaster give a small yelp, and Jax turned the corner to see a figure he couldn’t make out gripping the ends of Caine’s suit.

“BECAUSE I HAVE A LIFE, YOU CAVITY-RIDDEN FREAK!”

-Caine’s eyes darted around, and when he spotted Jax, it seemed as if he suddenly remembered he was in power, because he in that instant flew up higher, the stranger left on the ground. Caine floated over to Jax.

“Why hello there, my bleak bunny-rabbit! Why don’t you say hello to our new guest?!” He pointed to the stranger, his gestures too exaggerated to mean anything but help me please. Jax gave a small frown before stealing a glance at the new arrival, a black bear in a white hoodie and black pants; like Jax, no shoes had been added. They didn’t wear any gloves, meaning that their hands were visible and surprisingly human-like. What caught Jax’s attention, however, were the eyes. 

-The eyes were brown with a white pupil, but instead of having purely white sclera, it had a small, barely visible ring of black around the pupils. Their foot was tapping against the floor at a speed Jax couldn’t keep up with, their ears upright against their head and twitching every so often. Jax glanced back to Caine, trying to gauge just how desperate the man was to divert the newcomer’s fury from himself. While Jax could slightly understand, he didn’t find himself in the mood to be suddenly put in the crosshairs. He gave a little smirk at Caine, a familiar feeling stirring in his chest that he wasn’t sure he missed or not.

“Sayyy, Caine, do you happen to know their name?”

-Caine’s left eye gave a slight twitch, his gaze remaining on Jax with an uninterpretable look before the newcomer’s breath hitched. Jax glanced over and noticed their eyes were wide and staring at the ground. Their foot stopped tapping, though their right hand started to shake.

“What.The. {&^$?}?!”

-The newbie whipped towards Caine with a fury Jax hadn’t seen in forever, a growl semi-buried in their tone. Despite that, the anger was temporarily kindled at the all-too-familiar confusion that came with the censor.

-This should be interesting.

-Caine floated closer to the newbie, though Jax noticed that there was still a good amount of distance between them.

“Now, now, now, my wolfish well-wisher, that sort of language is not permitted in the circus! It is a place to be enjoyed by all-”

“Shut. The. {&^$?}. UP!”

-Caien recoiled at the venom in the newbie’s tone, whereas Jax just stared, the words suddenly making this all feel surreal; there was no way this was happening. This was a new NPC, or a trick by Caine, or something.

-Because if this was real, it meant he wasn’t alone.

-But nobody deserved this.

“WHY CAN’T I REMEMBER MY OWN NAME?!”

-Caine looked like he might lose an eardrum from all the screaming(funny, since he didn’t have ears), which caused Jax to feel enough sympathy to step in-figuratively and literally.

“Happens to all of us. Just choose a new one, ‘less you want him to choose it.” Jax jerked his thumb to Caine, who gave an indignant look that didn’t last longer than it took for the newbie to whip another glare at him. After a moment though, they glanced over at Jax.

“Anything I want.”

-Jax gave a shrug, grateful they weren’t screaming at him. 

“Yep.”

-They nodded a couple times, glancing at their bare paws for a moment before glancing back up at him, the anger draining out of their eyes.

“Ace.”

-The newb-Ace glanced over at Caine, as if daring him to argue. Thankfully, the walking denture thought better of it.

“Splendid! Well then, Jax, why don’t you show him around?”

-Ace’s glare returned, shooting like death lasers at the ringmaster.

“I’m a girl, you insensitive jack{%@@}.”

-Caine’s entire body drooped, all tension instantly dead.

“What.”

-Ace’s brow furrowed.

“It’s a gender-neutral name; what are you, stupid?”

-Jax walked over and gave another shrug.

“Best to not get an answer. Don’t worry, he’ll get the hang of it. C’mon; I’ll show you around.” Jax slung his arm around Ace’s shoulder, but felt an immediate punch of regret when Ace flinched, shoving Jax’s hand away. Jax pulled his hand back, shoving it into his overall pocket before using his other hand to gesture to the room hall. He didn’t even bother to smile.

“Right this way.”

- - *-

-Jax wandered down the hall, Ace slightly behind him but somehow almost in step as the two made their way down to the rooms. 

-Jax avoided looking at all the icons on the doors, all the faces of people he’d known, now with a giant red ‘X’ crossing them out, their bodies writhing in an inescapable darkness.

-Ace, on the other hand, seemed intrigued to look at the doors; she never stopped walking, but looking at all the doors seemed to fascinate her. Jax stopped in front of his door, making it a point to not look up at the icon.

“This is my room; you have any questions or anything, just come by and knock.”

-Ace glanced up at his door, nodding. After a moment, she gestured to a door behind her.

“What’s with all the ‘X’’s on the doors here?”

-Jax tensed, biting his lip before he took a deep breath.

“It’s a long story.”

-Ace frowned.

“Make it a quick one then.”

-Jax stared at her for a good second before he inhaled again.

“Essentially, when someone loses their mind here, they abstract; basically turning into a black blockish thing with multicolored eyes. Caine sends them down to the cellar, and an ‘X’ goes over their door to indicate they abstracted.”

-Ace’s eyes widened. She spun to the doors they’d already passed, then to his, and then to all the doors up ahead.

“But…yours is the only door without one.”

-Jax shrugged.

“Yea; so?”

-Ace glanced down at the floor for a moment.

“Were you alone this whole time?”

-Jax felt his body go rigid. He looked away and gave her a stiff nod. He closed his eyes for a brief moment before he turned to face her.

“Yea. But that’s not important.”

-Jax turned, continuing to walk down the hall to find Ace’s door. After a moment, he heard her catch up to him. She had a distant look in her eyes that didn’t take much for Jax to interpret. He felt a rush of relief when he spotted an unfamiliar door. Finally.

“Aaand here’s your room.”

-Ace lifted her gaze, glancing at the icon on her door. The icon had her head cocked ever-so-slightly, her mouth quirked upward in a grin. It reminded Jax of his own, but hers seemed more…genuine, in a way; more real and intentional. Ace grabbed the knob and twisted it to open the door, revealing her room.

-No lights were on, leaving her room cast in darkness. There were five canvases covering the walls, like the ones for painting, only these ones stretched from floor to ceiling. 

-Except the last one, which was on the ceiling right above her bed. 

-There was a small table with containers all over; some held pencils, others held markers, and Jax was certain one of them held clay figurines with nondescript features.

-Ace took a couple steps inside, spinning around as if to take it all in. Jax leaned against the door frame, watching her expression shift from apprehension to curiosity to awe.

-Ace seemed to notice something on the bed and grabbed it. The lack of lighting in the room left Jax unable to see what it was from his position, so he sauntered in, leaning over to see what it was. Ace was holding it in her hands, cocking her head this way and that. It took Jax a moment to adjust to the darkness in the room, but once he did, he recognized what it was.

-A tablet.

-Huh.

-Ace turned the tablet on, sitting at the foot of the bed as she opened it. There seemed to only be one application; an app with a drawing pencil as the icon. When she tapped it, it opened a blank white canvas. To the left side of the screen were a bunch of smaller icons, from a pencil to an eraser to a paint gallon. 

-Ace’s eyes lit up, a smile growing as she swept her fingers over the tablet. Jax noticed her draw a big circle, only for her head to snap up towards the wall directly behind Jax. Her eyes widened. Jax spun around, half-expecting Caine to be there, loitering at the door. Thankfully, he wasn’t there; no, Ace had been looking at the white canvas-sheet behind him.

-Where there was a circle exactly like the one she’d just drawn.

-Jax glanced from the wall to the tablet, Ace seeming to come to the same conclusion at the same time that he did. Jax gave a low whistle.

“Didn’t know Caine could do that.”

-Ace looked up at him, a frown etched on her face.

“Is that what the dentist-nightmare is called?”

-Jax gave a snort, the insult a relief after the year he’d spent being annoyed with Caine alone.

“Yea.”

-Ace gave a nod, looking down at the tablet.

“Soo, what exactly do we do here?”

-Jax shrugged, but, upon seeing Ace was actually curious, gave a small exhale.

“Caine comes up with some adventure for us to go on to keep our minds occupied so that we don’t lose it here.”

-Ace’s frown deepened.

“But if he’s doing that, then why did all those people go insane anyway?”

-Jax looked away.

“Not everyone participates, and they don’t always work. Sometimes it happens anyway. The adventures are meant to keep us busy, but if we let ourselves dwell on it, or something else, then we’ll eventually lose our minds no matter how many adventures Caine comes up with.”

-Ace’s frown faded, her hands tapping against the bed for a moment. She turned the tablet off and set it down behind her before turning to fully face Jax.

“Who were the last ones here?”

-Jax bit his lip, looking towards the open door. 

-Towards the hall, with all the other doors that led to room for people he’d known.

-Before they left.

-He shook his head, angling his head to face her without facing her entirely.

“Why do you ask?”

-Ace gestured towards the hall.

“You mentioned you’d been here alone; I just want to know who was here last.”

-Jax took a deep breath.

“There had only been three people for a while; Me, Pomni, and Zooble.”

-Ace frowned.

“What kind of names are ‘Pomni’ and ‘ Zooble’?”

-Jax gave a slight grin.

“Well, Caine gave Pomni her name. As for Zooble, the choice was beyond me.”

-Ace stuck out her tongue.

“Figures that he would come up with a name like that.” She looked away for a moment.

“What did they look like? How did they abstract?”

-Jax felt his heart ache, a pain he’d failed to control for the past year. He walked over the door, then turned to Ace and gestured to the hallway.

-Where Pomni and Zooble’s doors were. Where all of their doors were.

“Best if I show you.”

Chapter Text

I’d Count Them By Why Should I Bother? In the End They’re All Meant to be Slaughtered

-Ace rushed to keep up with Jax, though whether or not he was aware of her presence was unknown; his mouth was drawn tight, his eyes on the doors up ahead. After a moment, he stopped in-front of one and gestured to the former member’s face.

“This was Pomni. Before you, she had been the newest arrival and was the last to abstract.” He gave a shrug, though the stiffness in his shoulders made the action seem forced.

“She was…interesting.”

-Ace turned her head to face him.

“In a good or bad way?”

-Jax tilted his head to look at her before looking at the door and shaking his head.

“I don’t know.”

-Before Ace could answer, Jax turned and kept walking, no doubt to find a ‘zoobl’ door or whatever. Ace knew she should keep up, but her attention was caught on the jester on the door, a jester girl with pinwheel eyes and an almost depressive expression. There was something in the expression that made Ace think, but she couldn’t pinpoint it.

-No time for that, though. Jax was moving, and fast.

-Ace turned and ran, slowing down when she reached him. After a moment, Jax stopped and gestured to the door, and once Ace saw the icon, she couldn’t help but feel confused.

-Bears and rabbits; cool. Jesters; fine. There was a sock puppet one Ace had noticed, and while she felt bad for whoever had to live like that, okay. But this made no sense.

-Whoever this was looked like some kid had taken apart six different mix-and-match toys and jumbled them together with glue sticks and dreams.

-Jax seemed to notice her dumbfounded expression and gave a small snort.

“Yea, the appearance is a bit…unconventional. No-one gets to choose what they look like.”

-Ace gave a small eye roll.

“You mean except for Mr. Teeth-Whitener?”

-Jax gave another snort.

“I don’t really know. People pop up here looking exactly how they will ‘til they lose their mind.”

-Ace fought to keep her face neutral, but she couldn’t help but notice an underlying pain in Jax’s tone at the last part; chances were he wouldn’t want to talk about it though.

“Sooo…what were they like?”

-Jax’s frown deepened for a split second before disappearing.

“Zoobl was a pain in the {%@@}, constantly grouchy and swearing every two sentences. They didn’t participate in the adventures much, mostly griping about something either Caine did or I did; at some point they got close to another member, Gangle. As for Pomni…” A wave of pain flashed through Jax’s eyes, but then he closed his eyes and shook his head; when he opened his eyes, they were devoid of the pain.

“She was delusional.”

-Ace frowned. Maybe she was just reading too much into things, but she doubted a delusional person would last long if they kept denying their entrapment here.

            “And how did she explain…being here? If she denied it.”

-Jax cocked his head, his expression confused for a moment before being washed with clarity.

             “She wasn’t delusional like that. More in the sense that…well, just basically that everybody was a bleeding soul to be saved or whatever.”
-Ace turned to where the jester’s door was, where the girl Jax spoke of used to reside.

            “She doesn’t sound too bad.”

-Jax gave a small shrug.

           “Guess you’ll never know.”

-The words sounded dismissive, as if he wanted to leave the discussion in the cellar, where everybody had supposedly left. Okay then.

“What about all these other people?” Ace swung her hand towards all the people’s doors.

“Who else did you know?”

-Jax’s pupils swallowed almost the entirety of his eyes as he turned to the doors behind them.

“Kinger, Ragatha, Gangle, Zoobl, Pomni, Kaufmo…”

-His pupils shrank as something seemed to strike him. Ace reached over and grabbed his hand.

“Hey, Jax? What’s wrong?”

-She looked up at him, but he wasn’t looking at her, his eyes glazed as he seemed to be seeing something she couldn’t spot. The silence was broken by a word that bled with regret.

“Ribbit.”

-Ace let go, walking to be where Jax was staring at before grabbing his hand again.

“Jax? Who’s Ribbit?”

-Jax tensed, eyes dropping to finally face her. His expression was unreadable. After a moment, apprehension filled his face.

“How do you know that name?”

-Ace frowned.

“What do you mean, you-you just said it. Who is it?”

-Jax didn’t answer, the apprehension still there. He pulled away.

“You’re not answering.”

-His words were shaky and quiet, but emotion still poured out of them. Ace took a step back.

“You just said it. You just said all these different names; Kinger, Raga-something, Gangle I think, Zoobl, Pomni, Kaufmo, and then you froze up and said ‘Ribbit’.”

-The apprehension faded from his face, understanding taking its place. After a moment, he leaned against Zoobl’s door and slid down, slumping on the floor. After a moment, Ace walked to him and slunk down next to him.

“Was this..Ribbit..someone important to you?”

-Jax tensed again.

“Don’t say that name.”

-Ace lifted her hands in surrender.

“Okay. I won’t. I…I’m sorry.”

-Jax gave a small huff, glaring at the floor.

“I’m sure you are.”

-Ace frowned, opening her mouth when a shiver ran down Jax’s spine, his pupils shrinking. After a moment, he brought his legs to his chest and dropped his head without a word. Ace placed a gentle hand on his back. He briefly tensed, but didn’t pull away. Ace could hear him take a shaky breath. She looked up, at all the doors and all the ‘X’s that marked them. All the people he’d known before they’d left, dissolving into insanity. Leaving Jax alone. 

-She looked at him again, keeping her hand on his back.

-What happened to you?

Chapter Text

Let Me Share In Your Pain

-Jax wasn’t sure how long he sat there, half-aware of Ace’s presence and her hand on his back. He just knew he’d been there for far too long when he shook his head and stretched his arms up over his ears, getting to his feet and turning to her with a smile he didn’t feel.

“Want to keep looking?”

-Ace, to her credit, seemed to pick up on his desire to move forward; however, she didn’t seem to fall for the grin either.

“Are you okay? You were pretty upset.”

-Jax shrugged and shoved his hands in his overall pockets so she wouldn’t notice just how bad they were shaking. Ace cocked an eyebrow.

“I won’t push, but I at least want to make sure you’re okay; did I say something wrong?”

-Jax shook his head. Ace got to her feet, though didn’t gesture to move forward.

“Anything I should know going forward? So I don’t accidentally upset you?”

-Jax frowned, briefly looking away before looking her in the eye. No malice or ill-intent resided in her eyes; just concern.

-It was new and familiar and exciting and terrifying all at the same time.

“Should I just avoid saying Ri…that name?” Ace folded her arms over her chest, but it wasn’t defensive; it was just a gesture that somehow didn’t close her off. Jax looked at the floor and nodded, memories of Ribbit plaguing his mind with every second that this conversation went on for. 

-Thankfully, Ace nodded a few times, then gave a hesitant smile.

“Did you say something about a…Kinger?”

-Jax let his grin grow, grateful to move on, when a loud and obnoxious voice echoed from behind him.

“DiD SOMEONE SAY ‘ADVENTURE’?!”

-Jax turned to face Caine, hoping his disdain was evident, though the fact that Caine tensed and floated a little higher, all while not looking at him, prompted him to look at Ace.

-Girl looked like she was about to commit murder of all three degrees.

-It was kinda funny, honestly.

-However, Caine, being the idiot he was, seemed intent. Jax would feel bad if he actually, ya know, cared.

“Luckily for you, my bingo-banana-breads, I have the perfect adventure for you to embark on!”

-Ace’s murderous glare briefly sputtered out at the odd nickname. She rose her eyebrow to a shocking degree. Jax leaned towards her.

“He calls us weird things all the time; don’t question it.”

-Ace’s eyebrow lowered, though she still seemed unbelievably skeptical. Jax didn’t object; he knew how…odd Caine could be; it would take some getting used to. 

-Caine, oblivious to Ace’s rage and confusion, spun his staff around, waving his arms.

“As my receptive rabbit knows, the candy kingdom is a world full of wonderful people! BUT!!” Caine swarmed towards them, throwing his arms wildly as his eyes took on an insanity that took them both aback.

“The Princess has been…” Caine sat mid-air, wiping an imaginary tear.

“KIDNAPPED!!!!!!”

“Good.”

-Jax and Caine startled at the boredom in Ace’s tone. Upon noticing their shock, she gave a shrug.

“Royalty sucks; the normalcy of monarchies ended like, who knows how long. Last I checked, it’s just England-maybe another but I don’t know-the rest is democracy or dictatorships. Or, ya know, anarchy.”

-Caine limply floated mid-air for a brief moment before jolting a bit.

“Well, that’s not MY problem! The Princess NEEDS you to rescue her!” Caine snapped his fingers, an orange and yellow swirling portal appearing slightly behind him.

“Head on, my brave-baby-bungolows!”

-Jax turned to Ace and shrugged before jabbing a finger towards the portal. After a moment of hesitance, she nodded, gesturing for Jax to head in first. 

-He walked into the portal, his rabbit ears picking up on her footsteps padding softly behind him. The colorful world did little to Jax’s mood, but the shock in Ace’s eyes caused his lips to quirk upward just the slightest bit. She kept spinning around to take in the candied world Caine had invented.

-He was fairly certain telling her it was his creation would dampen her enjoyment though.

-Which was exactly why he didn’t intend on saying {@!#*}.

-As the two approached, Jax realized that, unlike the last time he’d come, the atmosphere was much…moodier. 

-Then again, the Princess had been supposedly captured. Makes sense the ‘citizens’ would be upset.

-Ace’s gaze tore from the landscape and switched to the people. When she saw their lack of enthusiasm, she scowled at them before leaning towards Jax.

“What’s up with them?”

-Jax’s mouth remained tilted ever-so-slightly-upward.

“Caine mentioned the Princess was kidnapped, remember?”

-Ace sighed, not bothering to keep it to herself.

“Figures they’d get all mopey cuz some fancy {&$!@^} goes missing.”

-Jax’s smile grew just a little bit more as he headed toward the candy trucks. His gaze froze on a rope dangling from the driver's window. The rope didn’t have any visible attachments, and it looked frayed around the edges.

-His hand brushed the rope, memories choking the air from his lungs; he could faintly hear Ace calling his name, but his ears felt clogged, voices ringing in his head.

“I feel like that violates some kind of convention.”

“You’re violating my ears with your clapback; get driving, driver!”

“Alright, Pomni; just stay there, and I’ll cross over you.”

“Are you KIDDING ME?!”

“ThAnks Pomni; now I have no bridge.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be submissive and agreeable?! MOVE IT!”

“Pomni! TaKe ThIs!”

“Hey, uh, Kinger; is that rope attached to anything?”

“I don’t know. Let me check.”

“I blame you for this.”

“Poor Pomni? What about poor us?! We’re one bite away from being Agustus Glooped!”

-Jax barely registered the sharp tug on his hand, but felt himself suddenly snap back to the present when he registered a harsh slap against it. He glanced at Ace and saw her eyes fill with relief.

-Her concern, however, was evidently not leaving anytime soon.

-He glanced up at the mannequins and fake townsfolk, and despite knowing not a single one of them was real, he could still feel the weight of their stares; could feel it pressing down on him. He looked back at Ace and shook his head; he wasn’t going to talk about it. Not now.

-Maybe not ever.

-He opened the driver’s door and gestured for her to enter. He felt a weight the size of an anvil settle on his chest as he made his way to the passenger seat.

-He could only hope this adventure didn’t involve any gummy crocodiles.

- -*-

-Ace fought to keep her face neutral as Jax slipped in beside her, face blanker than a plain sheet of paper. She cocked an eyebrow, her mouth tilted downwards. Jax didn’t notice as he glanced out the window. Upon seeing they, evidently, weren’t moving, he turned towards her, gesturing to the wheel. Ace frowned.

“You okay?”

-Jax looked back towards the window.

“Yea.”

-Ace’s frown deepened, but the short answer didn’t indicate a willingness to discuss it. Without any more words, she shifted in the seat, watching the kingdom slowly fade into the distance as she drove them towards where the oh-so-important-princess supposedly was. Where Caine had insisted they go to rescue royalty.

-Stab her with an eggbeater, why don’t ya.

-After a few minutes of driving in very awkward silence, Ace gave a sigh.

“Okay, no; I’m not doing this.”

-Jax turned towards her, mouth turned down.

“Doing what?”

-Ace waved a hand around the truck.

“The silence. The awkward ‘I won’t say anything cuz he’s quiet even though I want to help’; I ain’t doing it.”

-Jax gave a hesitant smile.

“Here I thought it was the whole royalty thing.”

-Ace whipped a glare at him.

“Jax do not test me.”

-The smile faded off of Jax’s face. Ace forced herself to take in a breath.

“Look, I can tell something is bothering you; first it was in the hall, and now because of a rope or something. I’m not going to force you or pretend I know, but…I just want to help.”

-Jax shrugged, returning his gaze to the window.

“I’m fine.”

-Ace gave a snort.

“Sure, and I’m actually the devil himself.”

-Jax gave her a sideways glance.

“Look, I get that you might not want to talk; okay. But you are clearly not fine.”

-Jax frowned.

“And who are you to assume that?”

-Ace lifted her right hand in a placating gesture before regripping the wheel.

“I’m not assuming anything that I haven’t seen. You froze up when I asked you about the people you knew here, didn’t hear yourself say someone’s name, and then just blanked when you found the rope in the truck. I don’t need to be a psychologist or anything to recognize something’s wrong.”

-Jax’s frown deepened. He glared out the window.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

-Ace gave another snort.

“No {@!#*}; that much is obvious. But that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is…” Ace reached over and gently touched his shoulder. Jax spun, anger melting into surprise as he glanced at where her hand was.

“If you ever want to talk, I’m here. That’s what friends are for.”

-Ace started to pull her hand away, but Jax reached and grabbed onto her hand. He was looking out the window, not facing her. He was breathing a lot harder than before, as if her words had stolen the air from his lungs.

-Ace pulled the truck over onto the side. Once they were stationary, Ace turned and gave him her full attention.

“Jax?”

-He didn’t answer for a few moments. Just when Ace was starting to panic, his head turned, tilted backward against the headrest. His grip on her hand went slack, but she didn’t move.

“...Jax?”

-Ace squeezed his shoulder a bit. Jax’s eyes opened as he sat up, glancing at her with his eyes filled with an emotion that only took a second to name.

-Regret.

-Pure, unfiltered, regret.

“What happened?”

-Jax took another breath and clasped his hands together; he glanced towards the window, at his lap, then at her.

“It was just what you said.”

“What? That you’re my friend.”

-Jax nodded.

“What about it?”

-Jax’s foot started to jump a bit, but he seemed unaware of it.

“Just that the last time someone called me that….”

-Ace squeezed his shoulder again.

“What?”

“She abstracted. Because of me.”

Chapter Text

-Ace fought to keep her hand on Jax’s shoulder and not fall slack.

“W…What?”

-Jax turned away, not looking her in the eye. Ace felt a shudder run through his body and pass under her hand. She stole a brief glance around the truck; at how small it might feel. Her right foot twitched at the thought.

“Oh {&^$?} this.”

-Ace pulled her hand away and threw her door open, completely oblivious to the way Jax flinched when she pulled away. She walked over to Jax’s door and flung it open, startling the rabbit to face her. Tapping a quick rhythm with her foot, she gestured to the landscape.

“Out.”

-Jax swung his legs out of the truck and got out, raising an eyebrow at her as he did. Once he got out, he walked a bit before slumping to the floor, leaning against the truck’s side. He looked resigned, like he’d given up on…everything.

-Ace sat down next to him, sitting just like she had in the truck. She pressed her hand against his shoulder.

“Talk to me.”

-Jax took a shaky breath. Lifted his head and looked at her.

“Okay.”

- -*-

-Jax looked out towards the candy-themed world that stretched as far as his eyes could see. He remembered this, remembered the adventure that had sent them all here; 

-He remembered tossing Ragatha into knives, demanding a weak will from Gangle, throwing Pomni into the crossfire.

-The memories were tainted with regret every time he thought of it, but, deep down, he wasn’t sure if it ever happened again that he would do anything different.

-And he hated it.

“Jax?”

-Ace squeezed his shoulder again, prompting him to look at her.

“What did you mean?”

-Jax looked away. Glanced at the truck while stifling the memory of grabbing Pomni by her neck and tossing her out without a moment's hesitation.

“Who are we talking about here, Jax?”

-Jax sighed. He was too deep in now.

“Pomni.”

-He risked a look and saw Ace crinkle her brow.

“The jester?”

-Jax nodded. The jester. The newbie who dared to reach out despite everything and he’d pushed her away, pushed them all away and now they were gone and-

“It was my fault.”

-Ace squeezed his shoulder yet again. 

“I’m sure whatever happened, it wasn’t your fault.”

-Jax gave a bitter laugh, but instantly regretted it at the concern that tripled in Ace’s eyes. She reached with her free hand and took his in hers.

“Just tell me; I’m here.”

-Jax looked at the ground, sighing. Nodded. Deep breath.

...

“Zooble deserves more than one person being there for their funeral! They all deserve something! You can’t just act as if none of it matters!” 

-Pomni glared at him, jabbing a finger at his leg. She wasn’t even tall enough to jab in the chest. It was hilarious. 

-But not nearly as funny as what she was saying. He leaned towards her, smirking

“Zooble was a pain, you clown! All they did was swear and tick everyone off; the circus is better off with them; without any of them! And as a matter of fact, it doesn’t matter, soooo- ” Jax spun on his heel, leaving Pomi with the casket-thing and a picture. It was stupid. The fact she genuinely thought he’d go to a funeral for Zooble of all people-!

“I’m not going to let you just pretend you don’t care!”

-Jax stopped. Turned his head slightly, a smirk on his face.

“Oh yea? What’d you gonna do? Cry and beg until I join you?” He snorted.

“Maybe you’ll perform for me?” He spun to fully face her.

“C’mon! You’re a jester! Entertain me for once, Pom-Pom!”

-Pomni scowled, crossing her arms.

“I’m not going to force you. But I know that you’re not as hard as you act like you do.”

-Jax scoffed.

“Really? You think I’m an anime-soft boy? Me??” Jax threw his head back and burst into laughter. He looked at her with pure amusement; this was hilarious.

“Just how stupid are you?”

-Pomni marched towards him, not stopping until she was as close as she’d been when Jax had grabbed her gun and aimed it at his own head all those months ago.

“Stupid enough to keep trying to tell you that I know you’re not heartless.” She grabbed at his hand, and all traces of his mirth vanished.

 “You’re my friend, regardless of whether or not I’m yours, Jax; you’re human, just like-”

“Let go.”

-Pomni startled at the vitriol in his eyes a second before he pulled his hand away. He ran it over one of his ears, another laugh bubbling out. 

-But this one wasn’t of mirth.

-It was angry.

“What makes you think I actually care?!” He swung his arms out wide.

“News flash; I DON’T!” He laughed again.

“I told you as much! None of this matters!” He leaned down and jabbed a harsh finger at her chest, the force causing Pomni to trip and fall over.

“You. Don’t. Matter. To. Me.” He straightened up.

“You got all that this time around? We were never friends, you clown! You. Mean. NOTHING.” He stepped back, the vitriol fading to angered amusement. He gave an unhinged laugh that brimmed with barely restrained emotion.

“Remeber that? If you abstracted tomorrow, I wouldn’t care! I’d move on! Just like always; you know why?” He leaned towards her, his smaller pupils combining with his deranged smile to give him a look of insanity.

“Because None. Of. You. MATTER.” He straightened and laughed again, but this one bled with the insanity he felt and the despair he hid. 

-Pomni stared up at him, sorrow filling her eyes to the point it felt like a punch to Jax’s chest.

-But he refused to show it.

-He turned on his heel and finally left, cackling like a villain from old-day cartoons as he did.

-Three hours later, Caine came knocking by his door. He looked nervous; hesitant.

-It set Jax on edge.

….

-He barely remembered registering Caine’s words after ‘Pomni abstracted’. Everything else was a muddled noise in his brain as horror and guilt crept into him. The horror, in time would fade.

-The guilt didn’t. It stayed.

-And promised to never, ever leave.

-She was gone. Permanently. And his last words to her had been that she didn’t matter.

-He felt his knees buckle, eyes wide and unfocused. Caine, seeming clueless on how to help, simply left.

-Jax looked up, half hoping Caine would return to tell him it was some cruel prank set up to get him to apologize.

-Then he saw the ‘X’ that marked Pomni’s door.

-Jax’s hands pressed against the floor, his entire body shaking. His breaths came short as he shut his eyes. At some point his arms shook too hard to help support him, and he simply collapsed face-first on the floor. His ears splayed out in-front of him.

-He found out all too soon he should’ve done better; should’ve fixed that one detail.

-With his ears on the ground, he could hear all the abstractions below him, rumbling and glitching below.

-Waiting.

-Promising to always, always wait.

….

-Jax took a shaky breath, turning away from Ace, his mind clinging to her hand still on her shoulder, waiting for the moment she would pull it away, get to her feet, yell at him something.

-But she didn’t.

-He heard her take a breath herself.

“How…” Her voice failed. She cleared her throat. Jax felt her hand shake on his shoulder.

“How..long ago..was that?”

-Jax gave a shrug with the shoulder she wasn’t holding.

“A year or so.”

-Ace took a quick inhale.

“Why…why did you say that to her?”

-Jax tensed, his free shoulder almost reaching his mouth. Ace didn’t move her hand, instead gave a gentle squeeze.

“I mean, you seemed to care when you heard; so why did you tell her otherwise?”

-Jax’s vision blurred. He shut his eyes.

“I didn’t know how much I really cared.” He opened his eyes slightly to look at the ground.

“Until she was gone.”

-Jax risked a look at Ace. Her eyes were brimming with sorrow and another emotion he couldn’t place. She didn’t move for a moment, though all that meant to Jax was that her hand still was on his shoulder. After a moment, Ace sighed.

“I’m going to assume after this whole time you’ve come to regret that.”

-Jax nodded, looking away. She sighed again.

“Okay.”

-The simplicity in her answer was so startling that Jax looked up at her.

“That’s it?”

“Well, what do you want me to say? ‘That wasn’t okay?’, ‘you should’ve known better’, or something like ‘that was stupid’? I’m pretty sure after all this time you’ve come to regret telling her those things, and I’m not so cruel I’m going to rub salt in the wound by telling you things you’ve no doubt told yourself.” She shrugged.

“There’s no going back, and you know that; you can’t take it back, but you wouldn’t have said it if you’d known what it would lead to; welcome to humanity in a nutshell.” 

-The words were a blow to Jax’s to the thin ice that had surrounded him since Pomni’s abstraction, and he dropped his head. Ace squeezed his shoulder.

“I get that this whole thing sucks, and I’m not going to pretend I know everything, or anything about the others, but I’m getting to know you, and from what I'm learning,  if you saw them again, if they came back, you wouldn’t say those things again.”

-The certainty in Ace’s words, the assurance she had, was a comfort he hadn’t felt in years. He leaned slightly towards her, and she quickly adjusted so his head laid against her shoulder.

-Her fur was soft. Comforting. He shut his eyes. He felt her press a hand against his head, and for once, the touch wasn’t one he pulled away from. Jax could feel Ace’s hand slowly moving across his head, and for a few minutes, that was the only noise in Jax’s ears; their soft breathing against her hand against his head.

-After what Jax assumed was ten minutes, he straightened up, a genuine smile on his face as he stared into the candy-themed-sky. He turned to Ace.

“I don’t suppose you still want to bash the Princess now, do you?”

-Ace gave a shrug, a smile on her face as well.

“I guess I could hold off until we get her Imperial Brat-istey back."

-The insult left Jax laughing so long his sides ached.