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The thing is, Nicky knows that he should have said something. He saw Seth and Allison standing in the hallway and he watches as she checks his pockets for his meds because he can’t drink when he’s on his meds and he’s prone to overdosing if no one is there to make sure that he won’t. Nicky knows, because Andrew told him, that no one should be going out tonight and they’re the exception because they’re a large group and they’ll be in Columbia and Andrew won’t let anything happen to them. Andrew tells Nicky this out of some belated feeling of telling a trusted adult, Nicky is sure, because Andrew does that from time to time when he needs to remind himself of who he is. Andrew’s sense of identity and his mind slips from time to time and suddenly he’s sixteen again and Nicky needs to know what’s going on because Nicky is going to protect him.
Maybe Andrew thought he could do it all on his own and maybe he trusted Renee to handle the upperclassmen more than anyone else but Nicky knew that it was his job too. This was his team, even if he contributed to the divide because he had to prioritized, and he wanted to protect it.
So he should have said something and he knew he should have said something but he just doesn’t. He leads the way down to the car and he gets in the drivers seat because this is him prioritizing. He should tell Allison and Seth that they shouldn’t go out. That there’s enough booze in the dorm to get them wasted and that they should stay where Renee can see them, because Renee doesn’t have doubles. She can’t be at the bar and be at the dorms and protect everyone if they split up. Nicky knows he should have demanded that they stay, he should have fought harder to make them follow the plan. But his loyalty has to lie with Andrew because that’s who he’s responsible for. Andrew might be nineteen now and more than capable of handling himself but Nicky still has to watch out for him because no one else is going to, which means he gets in that car without a fuss and he drives them to Eden’s.
He drinks and he hopes that everyone is fine and that Allison and Seth come to their senses. He drinks to forget how guilty he’s going to feel if Andrew is right and Riko comes knocking on someone’s door that night. Nicky knows it’s not his. Riko doesn’t know about this place, he’s not going to come all the way to Columbia, and Andrew’s eyes can find Nicky in a crowd and he knows better than to disappear, especially on this night. Nicky can’t make himself drink until he blacks out, something in him tells him not to. So when he’s just properly drunk, he just throws himself down into the seat that’s for him and he lets his head rest on the table and Andrew takes them home. He disappears into the crowd and he finds Aaron and he pulls Aaron out all the while Aaron complains about how he hasn’t had enough yet. Andrew says he doesn’t care and he gestures for everyone to leave the club, so they do. They pile into the car and Andrew drives them home, parking in the driveway to answer a call.
Nicky doesn’t know why the hair on the back of his neck stands up. Maybe because it’s two in the morning and Andrew doesn’t answer the phone for random numbers that he doesn’t at least recognize so this has to be someone then know. And no one calls at two in the morning with good news, they don’t call Andrew for it especially. So this has to be bad and Nicky’s scared, somewhere deep inside of himself, he feels fear. He doesn’t know who it is, Seth or Allison, and he realizes that he doesn’t want to lose either. Which is a conflicting thought that he doesn’t know what to do with because Allison makes fun of his fashion choices all of the time even though they’re both dressing in season and according to the latest trends. Seth is an asshole who makes sure that Nicky knows how much he despises everything that Nicky is. But they’re his teammates and maybe he still holds a little hope that he can make amends with them at some point when the collar around his neck that ties him to Andrew is loosened so he can go explore somewhere else.
“Seth’s in the hospital,” Andrew announces and Nicky tilts his head back against the seat and blinks a few times. Someone else says something, Nicky doesn’t quite hear it, he tries to collect his thoughts. Nicky is pretty sure that he hears Kevin say something about Seth’s ability to play and Nicky can’t help but to think that’s the least of their worries right now.
“What happened?” Nicky asks, surprised by the steadiness of his own voice.
Andrew gives him an odd look that Nicky would rather not try to analyze right now. “Apparently he took a handful of pills, then proceeded to get into a fight with someone on his way to the bathroom to puke them all up. Someone heard the fighting and went to investigate, found his head in the toilet. Managed to pump his stomach and get him breathing again but he had to be taken to the hospital just in case,”
“Take me to the hospital,” Nicky said. Neil was the one who gave him a look at that, somehow matching Andrew’s in a way.
“Why? He doesn’t even like you,”
“Does that matter? A teammate is in the hospital because someone tried to kill him. Take me to the hospital or I’ll call Wymack or Matt or someone to pick me up and take me,”
Andrew stared at him for a long time. Long enough that Nicky was ready to get out of the car and make the call. He felt oddly sober now. Then Andrew looked ahead of him again. “Everyone else out,” he said and then looked at Neil. “I will be back when I drop Nicky off. Lock the doors and put Kevin in Nicky’s bed. If anything, and I mean anything, happens to them, I will skin you alive,”
“Noted,” Neil said and pushed his way out of the car, walking to the front door and unlocking it before coming back to help Kevin into the house. Aaron was on his own but Aaron was able to somewhat walk. Andrew waited until the door was closed and Neil gave a thumbs up through the window to show that he had locked the doors, then he backed out the driveway and started on the way back to palmetto. They sat in silence, neither one of them had anything else to say. Andrew doesn’t even turn on the radio. This time of night, all the streets are almost empty so Andrew can speed more than he normally would and Nicky doesn’t have the heart to tell him to slow down once he hits a hundred miles an hour. Andrew doesn’t get to actually put pedal to the metal all that often anymore and he bought this car because he wanted to. Because at heart, he was just a teenager who wanted a fast car that looked cool. He wanted a nice thing that was just his.
They got the palmetto quickly and then Andrew slowed down as they got into town limits, navigating his way to the hospital. Once he got there, he parked and unlocked the doors. Nicky scooted to the door closer to the entrance and then opened it, but Andrew turned over his seat and looked at Nicky. “I don’t know what this is,” Andrew started. “Why you suddenly care about Seth or any of this shit. But don’t demand shit like this from me again. The least you could do is ask nicely,”
Nicky let out a soft sigh and leaned closer to Andrew. “Thank you for bringing me. I’ll keep you updated,” Nicky said and then got out the car. He watched Andrew leave before he gathered courage and went inside. The hour long silent drive with Andrew was as sobering as it could get and Nicky walked to the front desk easily, asking about where Seth was. The nurse pointed him in the right direction and Nicky went off to the elevators, up to the third floor, and down the hall to the left to find room 312. Nicky knocked lightly on the door, a bare rasp of knuckles, and looked in to see Seth still sleeping but Allison at his bedside. Allison looked up at him, furrowing her brows in confusion.
“You?”
“Hey,” Nicky said weakly and let himself in, sitting down on another chair a small distance from her. “How is he?” Nicky asked and Allison gave a skeptical look but then she looked back at Seth.
“They say he’s gonna be fine, he just has to sleep it off now,” she said and pursed her lips. “Why did you come here?”
“I can’t be concerned about my teammates?” Nicky asked and leaned back in his seat, staring at Seth as well. “I don’t even know, he’s such a dick. But it felt like the right thing to do. He’s a dick but he’s our dick, he’s my teammate,” Nicky said and Allison paused but then she scooted over on the small couch seat she was on and pat the side of her. Nicky took the hint and stood, sitting down next to her. She tilted her head to lean on Nicky’s shoulder and rubbed a thumb over Seth’s hand.
“Thanks for coming,” she said softly. “I just don’t know how this happened. I checked him,”
Nicky wrapped an arm around her and rubbed her side gently. “I know, I saw you do it. This isn’t your fault and it’s not his either. Andrew…” Nicky bit the inside of his cheek and then he decided that Allison should know anyway. “Andrew wanted everyone to stay in tonight because he thought Riko was going to retaliate for what Neil said on the Kathy show yesterday morning. He’s pretty sure this was the work of Riko and I think so too. Seth wouldn’t try to leave you, everyone knows that,”
Allison laughed dryly, even though tears ebbed in the corners of her eyes. “I know that. He told me tonight that he decided what he wanted to do with the rest of his life, that’s why he wanted to go out and celebrate. I guess he had a good conversation with Neil and he’s spent the week pondering it and he’s decided that he’s found something worth living for,”
“Hey,” Nicky said and squeezed her. “He’s not dead, he’s right there. Look at the monitor, steady heartbeat,”
“He was one drink away from proposing he said,” Allison said softly. “I think I would have told him yes. I’m just afraid this is going to set him back,” Allison pressed her hands to her face, digging palms into her eyes. Her voice filled with emotion but she kept her face as stoic as possible, refusing to cry. “I’m afraid he’s going to wake up in this hospital and they’re going to tell him what happened and he’s going to relapse. He’s going to actually try again,”
“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Nicky said and he didn’t even know why. It’s not like he had a way to make Seth not suicidal, he couldn’t even handle the suicidal people in his own group that somewhat liked him, let alone someone who didn’t. But maybe it was because they didn’t like each other that Nicky would be able to make him realize what he almost lost and what he stands to gain by not reverting back to who he was before.
They fell into a comfortable silence before Allison pat Nicky’s other hand and then stood with a sad smile. “I’m gonna go find something to eat, I haven’t eaten anything since dinner. Do you want something?”
“No thanks,” Nicky smiled back at her and then moved so she could get out. He scooted to the other end of the small couch and then stared at Seth, tapping his fingers to his knee. Who even knows when Seth would wake up and Nicky didn’t even know what he was supposed to say when Seth did. He didn’t know how to explain why he wanted to come because he didn’t even know why he wanted to come. It had just felt like the right thing to do at that moment but now that he was here, he didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing. Seth hated him, that was just a fact, and being here when Seth woke up wasn’t a good idea. Who even knew how he would react to seeing Nicky sitting next to him?
Nicky took a breath and stood. He had come, he had seen Seth, he knew now that he was stable and that he would wake up and everything would be fine. He had done what he had come to do, or what he thought he had come to do, if he even had a purpose in mind. Nicky exited the room, pressing his back to the wall next to it. He told Andrew that he would keep him updated and Nicky thought this was as good a time as ever to do that so he pulled out his phone and started texting. Allison came back as he sent the text and looked at him. “Everything okay?” She asked, carrying a bag in one hand and a drink carrier with two cups of coffee in the other. Nicky reached and grabbed the drink carrier so that she wouldn’t have to balance.
And Nicky wasn’t a good liar. He tried to be sometimes but he was better at being quiet than at lying. Not to mention that lying felt like it took a toll on his soul, it didn’t feel right, he had never been the type of person to lie and not about his feelings, never about his feelings. “When Andrew got the call, I just felt like I needed to be here, I didn’t even think about it,” Nicky said and sighed. “Now I don’t know why I came at all. It’s not like he’s going to be happy to see me and you would have been fine. You’re so strong and he’s gonna be okay, you didn’t need me here,”
“No,” Allison said, her voice tilted into consideration. “I don’t suppose that I did, but I’m glad you came anyway. It’s easier to share your misery with other people. And you’re probably right, he won’t seem happy to see you. But Seth’s just got a lot going on, he’s got a lot to work through, and you help. People don’t get over their bias by ignoring people, they get over their bias by being subjected to them,” Allison said which wasn’t actually all that comforting because Nicky knew that but she said it in a way that made him feel a little bit lighter. “Besides,” she said and then pursed her lips like she didn’t know whether she should say this or not but she started to and now she has to finish. “Seth likes you, he just doesn’t know how to begin navigating that. Bias works like that,”
“Yeah right,” Nicky didn’t believe her even though she had no reason to lie to him about this. He didn't think it was possible for Seth to like him within any capacity.
“I’m being honest,” she defended. “If Seth knew how to talk about his feelings with people, we would have been married already. The fact of the matter is that he’s shit with feelings and he beats himself up about all the worst parts of himself and he does like you. He just doesn’t know how to be around you and then the words leave his mouth before he even has a chance to think about it. And he’s not going to apologize in the moment because he never does and sometimes he doesn’t apologize at all so don’t expect one from him for anything. He is an absolute asshole, through and through, but he’s not the villain he thinks he is,” Allison said and then pushed the bag of food into Nicky’s hands. “Feed him when he wakes up and tell him to call me. All the cafeteria food sucks and I need to change desperately so I’ll be back when he wakes up,”
“Allison,” Nicky said, turning to go after her when she started walking off. “You can’t just leave me here alone with him,”
“Sure I can,”
“Allison, you have to stay,”
“I have to change, I feel dirty in these clothes,”
“You feel dirty? Allison I look like a hooker and I am covered in alcohol still,”
“Okay, I’ll bring you some clothes too when I come back then. Just give me your dorm key and I’ll pick something out for you,” she said and Nicky stopped in his tracks and sighed. He wasn’t going to win this. He could leave but then Seth would wake up to no one and that’s something even Nicky wouldn’t want to go through. So he sighed and then twisted his body so his keychain, hanging from his jeans, was exposed. Allison grabbed them easily and then gave Nicky a smile, though it still wasn’t that bright. “Tell him to call me. Or you call me, I don’t care,” she said and then walked away. This time, Nicky let her go.
He sighed once more and then walked back to the room, pushing the door open with his foot and then situating the food and coffee on the couch next to him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do while waiting for Seth to wake up, he didn’t know how long that was going to take, and Nicky didn’t even think Allison planned to leave because there was no way that she bought warm food that would no doubt be cold by the time that Seth did wake up. He beared how insecure he felt waiting here for Seth to wake up and then she left him to confront it, that was his theory. Nicky rolled his eyes at her evil genius, because he would do the same thing if he could, and then grabbed one of the coffees to sip on. Andrew texted him back a confirmation that he got the message and would tell everyone when then woke up.
Nicky didn’t know when he had fallen asleep, or even that he had fallen asleep, let alone that he had fallen asleep with his head on the bed next to Seth. But then there was an unintelligible sound that woke him up and fingers poking at his face and he blinked a few times before looking at Seth and then at the clock. Nicky pushed himself up, wiping the sleep from his eyes, and focused back on Seth. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Seth asked, still sounding out of it but he was awake now, which was progress.
“You almost died so I came to say my goodbyes, obviously,” Nicky muttered and placed his hands over his face as he yawned. “You need to call Allison… and tell her to bring more food because I think this cafeteria food is too cold,”
“I’ll still eat it, give it to me, I’m fucking starving,” Seth when he was out of it was not only more amenable but he also seemed almost cute. And Nicky wasn’t just saying that because he was currently making grabby hands with his eyes half closed. Nicky stared at the bag of food and then he opened it, sniffing it.
“No way, this doesn’t even smell right anymore. Drink water and call Allison,” Nicky stood, grabbing the bag to throw it away.
“You call Allison,” he muttered and threw the arm without a needle in it over his eyes. “I don’t know if I want to see her right now,”
“You do,” Nicky said and then grabbed his phone out of his pocket to find Allison’s contact.
“No,” Seth sighed. “I fucked up bad, she’s probably so mad at me. That’s why she left,”
“She left because she wanted to take a shower, she’s not mad at you,” Nicky said and then frowned, looking at Seth. “She’s scared, actually, that you’re gonna beat yourself up over this and then relapse and all that growth you made will be for nothing. So you better not let that happen,”
“It is all for nothing, look where I’m at. I told myself that I was going to get better and now I’m back where I always end up,”
“You didn’t have your meds last night,” Nicky said and that got Seth to look at him. “You might not remember it, but I do, she checked you. You didn’t have anything on you, and you didn’t buy anything either. Someone drugged you and you fought back and your fight got peoples attention so they managed to save your life before you could drown in your own vomit. This isn’t a setback, not if you don’t want it to be,”
“You’re probably disgusted with me,” Seth said and Nicky couldn’t even figure out why Seth would think that, let alone voice it. If anything, Seth was the one who was disgusted by Nicky and he made sure Nicky knew at every opportunity. And maybe it was the drugs still in his system lowering his inhibitions, allowing him to be open, or maybe it was just Seth trying to get it all out there. Maybe this was Nicky placing himself somewhere he wasn’t meant to be and now he’s seeing something he was never meant to see. Seth’s vulnerability. “Going out, getting drunk, doing drugs even though I know what’s gonna happen if I do. Maybe I didn’t do that this time but I do it often enough, everyone’s probably disgusted,”
“I’m not sure if you’ve met him but I have this cousin who does the same fucking thing and I’m not disgusted by him,”
“That’s different,”
“How? It’s not like Andrew fully gets off his meds anytime he drinks. Maybe he skipped a dosage but it’s not like the drugs aren’t still in his system. It’s not like it’s suddenly less dangerous for him to drink. Any night of the week he could end up in your position right now, in the hospital on IV fluids. And I’m still not disgusted with him or his behavior. People do different things to try and nurture the pain inside of them,” Nicky said and frowned. “Not to air out anyone’s dirty laundry,”
“It’s fine, I won’t tattle,” Seth said and then looked away again. Nicky took the moment to call Allison and let her know that Seth was awake now and that she could come and see him. And also to bring fresh food for him because the food she got that morning was very cold now. Next, Nicky altered the nurse to the fact that he was awake and then she was in the room, checking him over, calling in the doctor to do the same. The doctor was finishing the examination when Allison got there and she handed Nicky fresh clothes for him to change into as well as a makeup wipe, to somewhat clean his face. Nicky went into the restroom to change quickly and wiped his makeup off before washing his face in the sink. He sighed, drying his face with some paper towels, and then he looked in the mirror. He could leave now, he did what he came to do and then he even stayed until Allison got back. Now that she was back, he had done everything he was supposed to, and he could call a cab back to the dorms.
But as he went into the room to ask for his keys back, Allison presented him with a container of food for him as well and gave him a look that told him to sit down. “Seth has something he what’s to say to you,” Allison said and Nicky looked at Seth, wetting his lips out of nervousness. Seth didn’t look all that comfortable either as he was coming back to himself. But then he said it anyway because he wasn’t going to disobey Allison, that was just a fact of who they were.
“Thank you for staying with me,” Seth said, discomfort in his voice.
“He’s not used to thanking people,” Allison said and Seth glared at her but there was no heat behind his narrowed eyes and she didn’t seem the least bit deterred. “Sit, eat, and then i'll set you free,” she said and Nicky nodded, sitting down next to her and crossing his legs so he had a kind of makeshift table to set his container on. “I told him Andrew’s theory,”
“I’m going to kill Riko,” Seth said and that glare did have heat in it. If looks could kill.
“Take a number in line,” Nicky muttered and then pushed around the food in his container. It was awkward now that all three of them were in the room. Nicky was fine with just Allison and whatever he had with just Seth was good but the both of them at the same time came off the same way as it always did. Unapproachable, a whirlwind that you’ll get caught in if you get too close and Nicky was getting too close, if he wasn’t already in the eye of the storm. Seth was the one to break the silence, which Nicky found very surprising.
“Meant it. Thanks for staying,” Seth said and then stared at Nicky with something intense and conflicted in his eyes. “You didn’t have to, I wouldn’t have guessed you’d even come after all the shit I’ve said to you,”
“I don’t even know why I did,” Nicky pursed his lips. “Just didn’t want you to die, I guess,”
“How sweet,” Allison said but with none of the venom that Nicky commonly heard her use with other people who approached Seth. Allison seemed the most comfortable of the three of them. “I think you two should spend more time together,”
“Excuse me?” Nicky asked and looked at her. “Why?”
“Nicky,” she said and then tapped a nail along her container. “People texted, Dan and Renee were with me when I got the call, but you’re the only one who came. We've never really gotten the chance to know each other, with the divide between our groups, but you still came. I’m very curious to know how Andrew reacted,”
“He’s the one who brought me,” Nicky said and then almost smiled at Allison’s shocked expression. “I think sometimes people forget that I’m his legal guardian,”
“Yeah but he’s not a kid anymore,”
“No, but I’m still his guardian in the eyes of the law due to the terms of his probation. It’s still my job to make sure that he’s not getting into any trouble. That’s an entirely different conversation. The point is that Andrew and I have a bit of a more nuanced relationship, I can still tell him what to do sometimes,”
“Regardless,” Allison continued. “You came when no one else did, the last person that either of us would have thought would come. That means something. So yeah, I think we should all spend more time together,”
“Yeah,” Seth said, agreeing with everything she said without having to add anything of his own. It was almost adorable, almost. Nicky notoriously didn’t think of Seth as adorable so this was becoming something he was seriously going to have to examine.
“Alright,” Nicky nodded his agreement. “I would be alright with spending more time together,” even if it was a bad idea. Even if it was going to get him into so much trouble with Andrew when he had to tell Andrew that he was going to be hanging out with the upperclassmen. Even it was going against everything that he learned and everything he knew because he didn’t get along with either of these people. But he watched them banter as he started to eat his food and he felt like he was seeing something neither of them showed other people. A softer edge to their personalities that slotted together just right and they were showing it to Nicky. They were inviting him into this part of their lives, even if only for a few hours today and maybe a few instances in the future. Nicky finished his food, but he didn’t leave. Not until the nurse came in with the discharge paperwork and they wheeled Seth out together.